The Dr. John Delony Show - If I Really Have Bipolar Disorder, How Can I Love My Family Well?

Episode Date: January 26, 2022

In today’s episode, we talk with a woman who’s worried her bipolar disorder is hurting her family, someone struggling with self-control when it comes to food, and a pastor looking for advice on how to teach about emotions. I have Bipolar episodes and worry that I’m not loving my family well enough I’m overweight and need more self-discipline when it comes to food As a pastor, how can I preach well about emotions? Lyrics of the Day: "Ice Ice Baby" - Vanilla Ice Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a woman who thinks she has bipolar, but maybe not. We also talk to a woman who is struggling with her relationship with food. And this is nuts. We talk to a pastor who asks me for advice on his preaching series. What? Stay tuned. Hey, what's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. Man, look at this out here, man. There's a million people in the lobby. I probably overstated that by 999,000 people or so. Actually, I overstated by more than that too.

Also, in additional to working in people's mental health, I'm also a part-time mathematician. I'm incredible at it. James is proud of me. Dude, it's good to see everybody out there, man. Everybody doing well? I know this sounds really annoying for the podcast listener. They're like, I don't know what you're talking about,

what you're looking at, anything. But anyway, and the cameras are on y'all. So I hope y'all are all not cheating on the person you're with. Hope y'all are all dating each other because otherwise it'd be weird. Yes, good to see everybody. Hey, so this is the last show

before I take a break for a couple of days, man. It won't, the listener won't know, but James, you won't have to see. I'm just saying that for you. That's my Christmas gift to you. It's pretty awesome. Even though this is, what, in February now the show's coming out? Just about. January? And Jenna,

I'm gonna miss you. I appreciate that. That was awesome. That's like the high school kid that tells a girlfriend, I love you, and she says, thank you. That was awesome. Thanks for considering my feelings, Jenna. Appreciate that. Man, she is like Kelly Jr. Kelly equal. There's no even junior there, just equal. All right, let's go to Cece in Saginaw. Where are we here? Cece, what's up, Cece?

Hi, Merry Christmas, John. You know what? Merry Christmas to you, too. Thank you. I cannot believe Kelly deemed me worthy. I am here. Hey, she has not deemed me worthy. So congratulations. This is a big thing. Yeah, for sure. Way to go. All right, so what's up?

Well, two years ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar with mixed episodes. And since then, I'm really trying to find a way to protect my marriage and to protect my daughter from the effects of the illness. Okay. So what's the best way to do that? Got it. Let's fix it. You ready? Yeah.

So let's, I want to take the diagnostic and just put it away for a while. Okay. Okay. Tell me about your marriage and your kids, how long you've been married, all that stuff. Okay. So we got married in 2014. Um, and right away we started trying to have kids, um, and it didn't happen. So for five years we were going through fertility treatment and that was really, really rough. His dad died, his sister died. So like we were dealing with trauma after trauma. And then we were super blessed to have a daughter in 2019. And so

she's two years old right now and she's doing great. How long have you wrestled with some of the symptomologies? Oh, I can remember the depression reaching back into like high school for sure. And my parents were definitely begging me to like get help or like medication. And I was like, no, no, no, it's just a season. I don't need this. Well, one season always ended up going into another season, into another season and just got kind of deeper and deeper. So I didn't really notice manic symptoms until after I had the baby. And I went for help for postpartum, and they recommended me to a psychiatrist and the psychiatrist said, these hallucinations you're having,

these intrusive thoughts you're having, they're really not postpartum. It's bipolar. So that's how I ended up there. So will you do me a favor? Nope. You know what? It's not even doing me a favor You and I are best friends For sure But This favor is for you For your kids And your child

And future kids to come If y'all so choose For your husband I want you to go Talk to some people in your community. Okay. And find a good...

Do you have a good relationship with your OB-GYN now? Yeah, pretty good. Yeah. Is this... He or she? He, yep. Is he the one

who referred you out to a psychiatrist or did you meet with him? I met with his social worker at his office and they referred me out. Okay. I want you to get a second opinion on that, okay? Okay. I'll just leave it at that.

Okay. I'll leave it at that. Talk to me about mixed emotions. That's a very niche bipolar diagnostic. What does that mean to you? So at the time, I'm trying to dig back because it's been two years now. So at the time, it felt like I could crawl out of my skin. Like I was so depressed and at the same time, like I was just shaking inside my body. So like, so for the,

for me, the mixed really, it kind of surprised me cause I don't, I don't quite understand it. You know what I mean? Like I, Here's the way I've heard it described is, um, so for instance, if you meet somebody with bipolar and they're having a manic episode, it's in all honesty, it's one of my favorite people on earth to be around there. It's, it's mayhem and it's chaos and it is laughter and it is a thousand miles an hour. And the folks that I'm in close relationship who have bipolar manic phases, I laugh so hard.

It's a roller coaster. My understanding of, and this is so rare, that's why I'm asking you, is a mixed emotion would be somebody who is, let me back up. Somebody with bipolar without mixed emotions, they are running high, and it's this sense of optimism, this sense of I can take on the world. It is this sense of I can do everything better than you, and in my case, they're right. Like they can get stuff done in three days that it would take me two weeks to do, right? That mixed emotions is their body is running like that, but their mind is still super sad. Their mind is still super depressed. They still, they have no optimism.

They've got no energy about accomplishment and what we're going to do, and we're going to turn this corner, and then you and I are going to to get married and we're going to go do this and this and this and this. It's not that their bodies running that fast, but their heart and spirit is still under the cover saying, I just want this to stop. Yeah. I don't know if it's ever been like that before. Like it was mostly just like, um, like everything is so, so, so, so bad and I can't stop the world around me to take a breath. So I'm going to give you my opinion, and it's going to be worth what you're paying for it, okay? Okay.

I do not like, at all, I do not like at all. I do not like some, but I don't like postpartum diagnostics. And I don't mean postpartum, not postpartum depression as in another diagnostic, but somebody who is struggled for years with infertility, someone who's gone through lots of trauma, somebody who then has a baby. And how was your, how was your pregnancy? Was it carefree and exciting? Yeah, it was, it was just fine. It was like the depression, like abated for a while. Okay. And then your body goes through the, what just happened after the baby's born and everybody experiences that different, that re-regulation, the hormones, the what's life going to be like your relationship with your husband's different. He's got his trauma he's dealing with, and now he's got a little kid,

and how is this going to look? And any old stuff from your past is now coming up, and then his, and then to tag somebody in the middle of that with a diagnosis of a mental health disorder feels not right to me. Well, and the funny thing is, is that I found it out by accident. The psychiatrist never told me. She just threw some pills at me. And I went online to take care of a bill on my app for the hospital. And I looked at, I just happened to look at my notes and the diagnostic was on there.

And I had to ask her, like, is this really what's going on? And she's like, well, yes, because your dad is bipolar. Oh my gosh, dude, go get another. You're going to get me all fired up and I'm going on vacation tomorrow. So listen, I'm so sorry. Don't be sorry. You don't apologize for me. Nothing, man. I'm on same team. I want you to go get a second opinion and I want you to walk them through what happened. Okay. Okay. So how, how, how far removed are you from your initial diagnosis? Um, two years. Okay. So bring me, throw the diagnosis, put it in a drawer and let's close that drawer. Okay. Right now, something is worrying you about the way you are parenting, the way you are loving your husband, the way you're taking care of your family and friends, the way you're

taking care of yourself. What about your environment now? What about you right now is making you nervous to ask, how do I protect my kid and my marriage from me? Um, so I feel like I'm not as emotionally available as I should be. Who told you you should be what? Well, so like, um, my, my husband was like, I can never make you happy. And then I just kind of translated that into like, I'm, I'm not showing him enough that I'm happy. And if I'm not showing my emotions, am I hurting my family by

like not, not showing them that, that I'm okay with, with our dynamics, if that makes sense. So are you feeling joy at home and it's just not demonstrative or you have, are you running pretty low? Are you remembering back to high school when you just ran low? I feel like I'm fine inside and that the world is like – or like the people around me aren't seeing it. Okay. Because they'll be like, are you having a bad day today? What's wrong today?

And I'm like, I'm fine. I'm just a resting witch face. I don't know. Whatever. No, you're not. I'm afraid that my daughter will not think that I love her because I'm

not showing her that I'm happy. Okay. And I think it's part of like what I experienced, like my dad emotionally withdrew when he had his breakdown. And so I'm afraid that I'm doing that now. So let's not be afraid. Let's speak in data points. Okay.

Are you withdrawing from your daughter? There, yeah, at some level, because there'll be days where I just, I can't, I can't function that well. And I feel guilty about that. Yeah. Are you withdrawn from your husband? No, I'm trying very hard not to. Okay. I'm like, if I realize that I'm doing it, then I go and like give him a hug or touch his face or... There you go, yeah. You know, like scratch his back or something like to physically connect us. So Cece, can I ask you something? Sure.

Children of somebody with true bipolar disorder, they often will spend their life trying to make sure everybody else is okay because they had to, right? And they become the broker of joy in the house. They become the peacemaker in the house. They become the agent of safety in the house. And it's both exhausting and not their job. It is in that time, but then that same over time, it becomes not your job in your workplace or in your marriage or wherever. So let me ask you this. What do you need right now? You're doing a lot of thinking for other people. Yeah, for sure. What do you need?

I need to just like relax, just let it go, you know? Don't hold it back anymore. That was just my frozen reference, sorry. What do you want to let go? I want to let go like the responsibility I feel over other people hmm but you have responsibility over your daughter well yeah

here's alright here's my full recommendation you ready? ready the things you're describing to me on a three minute phone call call, right, or a 10-minute phone call, sound a lot like an exhausted parent of a two-year-old. Sound like somebody who's married to somebody that she loves, and y'all have been through hell and back the last five or six years.

And you've probably kept running and kept running and kept running. And at some point, that trauma catches up with everybody. So it sounds like a new mom who grew up in a disconnected home. And growing up in the home of somebody with bipolar is chaotic and it's scary. And sometimes it's scary because that person disappears. And sometimes it's scary because that person's sitting right there and they're not even present. And was your mom married to him? Yes.

Yeah, they stayed married through the whole thing, but it was rocky for a time. That's right. So I want you to think in terms of your body. Your body remembers this story and it doesn't end well. And so what your body's trying to do is protect you from a story that it knows. And what you have to do is to teach your body, both through thinking and through how you act, that you're safe now. This is a new story. This is different.

And some of that retraining your body will come through partnership with a psychiatrist if you have bipolar disorder. Some of that will come through marriage counseling because your husband's going to have his own trauma work to do too. He's had a lot of loss and he's been, in his head, he's been propping up a scared wife for five years or six years or a heartbroken wife or an exhausted wife or whatever, right? And now you got a two-year-old and you're looking at your relationship saying, what do we do now? And it's all different. And when things get all different, then we start putting stories in each other's heads. And his story is, she doesn't like me.

Because if she liked me, it would look like this. And your story is, if I wasn't broken, I would be acting like that. And what I want you all to do is to go see a good marriage counselor and say, we have a new baby. We've been through a lot of loss. We've been through 2020, 2021. I've got to deal with my dad's stuff. You've got to deal with all the loss and your dad's stuff. Let's do this together. And then you're going to get some new tools. And probably neither of you have any sort of model for what this will look like.

Fair? Very fair, yeah. So here's what I want, the word I want you to keep in your head as you move forward is curious, not judgmental. Okay? Okay. Listen to me closely. You are not broken. Your body's trying to take care of you.

Okay? Thank you. Do you promise you hear me? Yes. Okay. A psychiatrist or a counselor or a mental health practitioner should never, ever secretly diagnose you with something in order to throw pills at you or to get some sort of insurance reimbursement. If somebody's going to tag you with a label that

will last forever diagnostically, they should sit down and walk you through what this means, how y'all will be in partnership together as you learn new ways to live and to love and to connect and what role pharmaceuticals will play and how short of a time it will, that will play. They should, they have should have a heart of a teacher. They should not be, they should not have secrets. It's unethical. It's nonsense. It's not a partnership. You're worth more than that. That's what I'm telling you. Okay, CC. Thank you.

Now you may go meet with a psychiatrist and they're like, for sure, bipolar, for sure. Okay. Right. And what that will mean is you're going to sit down with a marriage counselor, your husband, and y'all are going to walk through what does making sure I take my medicine look like? What does making sure I move my body and I take a bunch of fish oil every single day, even when I don't want to? What's it look like to make sure I'm having skin-to-skin contact with family members, even on the days I want to crawl under my blankets and not come out? What's it look like the days you leave me alone and let me have my day under the blanket so I can come out strong the next day?

What does exercise look like when I can't move my body? Right? That's when you get in, that's what creating a life worthy of living, worthy of having joy and laughter and fun and dealing with bipolar. That's what that life looks like. It's intentionality. It's about thoughts and behaviors. It's not about the diagnostic. The diagnostic part of life is what it is, what it is. You haven't convinced me you have bipolar is what I'm saying. And we've only talked for 10 minutes. So I don't know you that well. Your husband may be like, for sure bipolar. I don't like this. I don't like the way the whole thing was done. Just feels gross to me that you take somebody in the middle of a mess and tag them forever. I don't like it. And I didn't go to med school, so put your mean notes in the YouTube comments.

Fun ruiners. But I do want you to go get a second opinion. You're worth that. I do want you and your husband to be curious about one another and go to a marriage counselor and say, All right, we got a new baby. We've had a lot of trauma. We're in this together for the long haul. And so we're gonna have to find new ways

to talk to each other, new ways to be sexually intimate together, new ways to parent because we've never seen it done right before or not right. We've never seen it done healthy before. We've got all this new stuff to learn and I'm so glad I get to do it with you.

And we're gonna figure this thing out together. So go see somebody, make both of those calls today. Make them both today. You're going to be on the road to healing. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Delaney Show. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change,

and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new home buyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their home buyer edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days.

Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillmortgage.com slash Diloni and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we are back. Let's go to Liz in Bangor, Maine. What's up, Liz?

Hey there, Dr. John. How are you? So good. What about you? I'm living the dream. Are you really? What's that like? Well, I mean, nightmares can be dreams too, so. I work on a podcast with James. So what's that? I'm just kidding. I love it. I'm living my dream. I'm living my BL, my best life. Hey, so what's up? I'm just kidding. I love it. I'm living my dream. I'm living my BL, my best life. Hey, so what's up?

How can I help? So I have a question for you. How can I cultivate self-discipline when it comes to eating? Are you setting me up? I'm the worst person to answer this call for. Yeah, I've been listening for a little while. So figuring you might be one of the best people. So I feel like you're making fun of me a little bit, Liz, but it's okay. I'll go with it. I'll go with it. All right. Tell me about your relationship with food. Well, um, I've always,

uh, struggled with my weight. Um, starting from the time I was probably a mid to late teenager. I've kind of just been yo-yoing. Okay, stop right there. What started the relationship with food when you were a teenager? Did something happen? No, I think it's just my metabolism caught up with me, and I just ended up gaining a bunch of weight. And then I think there might have, I don't know, it's just kind of happened. Kind of what?

I've always been a little bit. You're about to say something. I've always been a little bit larger than everyone else, but it just kind of started catching up to me, I guess. Okay. So. And how old are you now? I'm 28. 28 now. Okay. And then so you've been yo-yoing and then what um well i am sick of yo-yoing and i'm trying to figure out ways to like i'll get on like i'll be

really disciplined for a shorter amount of time and then i'll get off the bandwagon and like, um, I'll just gain all the weight that I lost back. And I can't, I've been trying to learn how to make sustainable everyday life changes that I can stick to because, you know, I don't want to, you know, I'm writing out my health in my twenties for sure. Um, and I'm not going to be in my 20s forever, and my health is going to catch up to me. Do you like yourself? Yes. Tell me about that. Why do you like Liz? Because I'm adventurous, and I'm fun, and I work hard.

And I am a great sister and daughter and friend and employee and coworker. So you told me a bunch of external metrics. Those are great performances. Why do you like Liz? You told me a lot of things Liz does, especially for others. What does Liz do for herself that she loves? I work hard and I enjoy hiking and backpacking. I enjoy spending time with my cat.

And, I don't know. I'm a student, and I work hard with that. Do you have good character? I would say so, yeah. Do you tell the truth? Overall. More or less, yeah. Mostly.

I mean, mostly. Here's what I'm getting at. I always want to know when someone's got a challenging relationship with food, is it truly between the food, or is it a defense mechanism for something else going on i started tracking um i've done this several times in my adult life i started tracking my food intake and particularly around food that I know is unhealthy for me. And a hundred percent, a hundred percent of the times I mindlessly reach for something, whether it's chips or ice cream or just thinking Tyler made his grandma's cookies back here, back in the back studio here.

And he was like, I mean, you just got to. And I did. And a hundred percent of the time, it's relational in nature or fatigue in nature. Either I'm frustrated about something, I'm disconnected from somebody. My daughter just said a thing that for some reason I decided to allow to hurt my feelings. My wife and I are off kilter. I'm frustrated with my son's math teacher. Me and my boss are having, we're at odds. Something relational in nature. It's a unthinking, I just go do. My body has learned this makes this better for a minute. Yeah. Either that or the second one is I'm exhausted. I'm so tired. Do either of those ring a bell to you? To an extent, yes. If they don't, it's all good. That's just the way,

that's just me following the data of my N equals one experiment with my body. What about you? Well, I'm definitely, when you've talked in the past about you know if there's a box of cookies open and you just eat the entire thing um yes i have that i have that problem maybe not the gene to go with it who knows but um i have that problem um i know that um sometimes when i'm stressed or when i just haven't eaten in a while, I'll be much more likely to stop by and get some fast food or something, which I've been curbing pretty good lately. So here's what the data tells me.

A couple of different things, and they're across the board. And I want to preface this with saying I'm not a nutrition expert. And so I want to make sure I don't get over my skis here. I was going to talk to you about stuff in my life, okay, and the folks that I've walked alongside. The first thing, this is relatively recent. I've talked about it on the show just a little bit. It made a lot of sense to me. This idea of chronic stress that we are running so hard and so fast,

and it's not even so hard and so fast relationally or at work. We're in bodies that did not evolve to drive 90 miles an hour to work among other 2,000-pound metal missiles that are driving next to us. We're not designed for all of the email clicks and the phone calls and the text message we're not designed for all the assault of um marketing messages and you suck and you should look like this and not that and oh my gosh they're not your friend and they didn't like my video and i don't like them in the real world because they didn't like me in my imaginary world our bodies literally are not designed to live in this world and they've got crude response to stress.

Our body does. Fight, flight. There's the fawning one, which is a different thing. And freezing. What never occurred to me, gosh, James, do you remember who this was? Was it Huberman or Atiyah? One of these smart guys. They're way, way, way, 10x, 100x smarter than I am, is talking about if your body recognizes it's in fight or flight, it is going to reach for the cheapest energy source possible.

Because it's in search of cheap calories that it can burn for energy right now because it thinks it's in a fight or that it is sprinting for its life. And the cheapest calories we got are cookies and chips, right? Sugar-laden carbohydrates that are going to help us get from A to B. What our bodies don't know is that we're just sitting on the couch watching Netflix. We're watching somebody else getting chased and murdered, but our body sets off to try to defend ourselves against somebody else's problems. And if we watch the news and scroll, et cetera. So step number one is, nope, it's not step number one. I'm going to say step number two. Step number two is look at the world you've created, your ecosystem. Are you taking care of you? Are you stressed a lot? Are you flying around a lot?

Are you busy a lot? Because if you are, it might be that your body's trying to take care of you. Does that ring a bell or no? Tell me I'm off. The stress, like the always busy or stressed, yes. Okay. In general. So the next part is something I got from James Clear, and it rang more true to me than anything else I've ever read, I've ever participated in, and I've never, ever internalized.

And that's this. He wrote his book, Atomic Habits. I highly recommend that people read that book. It's a great book. But the biggest takeaway for me from that book was this. Most of us start a weight loss goal, a relationship with food. We start these things with a number, with a destination, with a goal. And I know enough from the psychology research is that these external metrics, these external

things are never sustainable because wherever you end up, there you are, right? So if you lose 20 pounds and you don't like yourself, you're going to be 20 pounds lighter and not like yourself. If you find yourself lonely and disconnected without relationships and you lose 50 pounds, you're going to be lonely and lose 50 pounds. And at some point, your body's going to solve that equilibrium. And it's going to try to, it's going to do what it can to solve for that discomfort. And if you do drugs, you do drugs. If you do food, you do food. If you work 90 hours a week, you work 90 hours, whatever.

Pick your poison, right? So what James Clear says to do is instead of starting with, I want to lose this much weight, or I want to eat, never eat sugar again, or something like that. He said, start with creating a new identity. And I do this every year. Like this is part of my annual routine. I just look at my life. How have I been doing? How's my relationship? What are the identities I want to adopt this year? And so instead of saying,

I want to lose a bunch of weight, or instead of saying, I want to be less heavy or less big, or I want to have a better relationship with food. Instead of starting there, I start with this. I'm a guy who stewards his one precious body. That's who I am. And from there, I'm going to backfill things like people who honor their bodies, who are good stewards of their bodies.

They don't eat that trash. People who are, who are honored and steward their bodies, who are good stewards of their bodies, they don't eat that trash. People who are honored and steward their bodies go to bed. They don't watch Netflix, another show and another show and another show. By the way, I was up to like 1.30 doing edits on my book. And I ended up watching an episode of The Office. By the way, it's the single funniest episode and it's in season eight. I didn't even remember it. And I was laughing so hard by myself at 2 a.m. And I was, the whole time I'm thinking, what kind of, you have a show that you teach people how to take care of themselves. And I'm up at 2 a.m. watching TV. You know what I mean? Like,

so start with an identity. So you like yourself and you should, You're a good human being. You're a great woman. And what do you do for a living? I work in EMS. In EMS? Yeah. On an ambulance. Oh gosh. Why didn't you lead with that? Also deal with,

also deal with secondary traumatic stress. Good God almighty. If you deal in other people's trauma All day every day Your body is in fight or flight Always Always The number of times I left a wreck

And stopped at a gas station For just some nonsense on the way home Was a lot Right? Uh huh Yes, lead with that next time So Here's the thing Right? Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Yes. I'll lead with that next time. So here's the thing.

I want you to spend some time. This could be writing it down. It depends on how far you want to go. I want you to write down, get a small little journal, and write down a couple of identities. I'm somebody who takes care of their body. I'm somebody who will show up to somebody else's worst moment, fully present, ready to rock and roll. And so since I'm that kind of person, this is what I have to do. I have to eat well. I have to not eat nonsense like that. I'm

going to backfill those things. The numbers on the scale will take care of themselves if we live into the identity that we want to have. And here's the other third big one you have to have to have to have people who walk alongside you can't do life by yourself okay do you have a couple of drivers that would join you on some sort of reimagination like dude we are team x and this is just how we roll? This is who we are? I'm not so sure. No, they're all like, screw you. We're going to McDonald's. Forget it. They're not exactly the most supportive when it comes to stuff and people bring in goodies all day, every day, especially around Christmas because I work at a fire department. Exactly. Worst. They're the best and the worst. Ugh. I know.

Let's start with the identity piece. Let's start with getting a small journal. And I want every time you reach for something, I want you to stop and go, what am I feeling right now? Am I disconnected? Am I exhausted? Am I stressed?

Begin to ask yourself that. It may not be at all. And if it's not, then it becomes a much simpler transition Most of us have to find the gap Between impulse and action Because if we can find that gap We can pause in that gap

And then do another action That's how you take control of your actions Okay And will you do me one last favor? Sure Will you be so, so Graceful with liz okay because i know that you say you like her i think there's sometimes you don't like liz or sometimes you get really pissed off or ashamed

of liz is that true um more so recently yes But this is more chronic. Yeah. Here's the thing. I don't fully believe you. I think you're hedging it, but you're in front of a million people, so I get that too. Listen, I want you to be graceful with Liz. Okay. Because Liz is worthy of being healthy. Liz is worthy of laughing a whole, whole lot.

She's worthy of having a night where she just eats garbage And gets up the next day and goes again She's also worthy of changing Everything Just because Just because Fair enough Is that fair? I think so

Awesome Remember one last thing Your triggers That's your roadmap. That's the GPS towards getting well. So when you can identify those triggers, then you know to lean. Man, if you're having relationship problems, now you know I got to go work on my relationship problems. If you're doing a job that is high stress, high stress, high stress, high stress, at some point you go, maybe this isn't the job for me,

or I got to do it in a different way or in a different capacity, in a different place because my body's saying that's enough. But whatever it is, you're worth it, Liz. And dude, I'm going to try. I'm going to try to take care of myself. You be into. We'll be right back with Dr. John Deloney's show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and

masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves.

I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself, and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and you can talk with your

therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we got one more call. Let's go to Michael in Bacon, Georgia. What's up, Michael? Dr. John, thank you for taking my call this afternoon.

Listen, here's my question. I'm a pastor. I was about to say, dude, thank you for taking my call this afternoon. Listen, here's my question. I'm a pastor. I was about to say, dude, are you a pastor? You have a pastor voice. How did you get that? I have no idea. So listen, I grew up, my dad was in radio, was in broadcast journalism. So maybe I was supposed to be on the radio and I wound up preaching, but who knows?

Dude, you sound way better at this than I am. That's incredible, man. All right. So sorry, I was about to interrupt you and say, let me know. Are you a pastor, man? For real? That's incredible, your voice. All right. So what's up? So I pastor here in middle Georgia, a little town called Perry. And I'm working on my preaching plan for next year. And I'm working on a series of messages to address problematic emotions from a biblical perspective, like from the gospel. And so my question for you is, what are some, what you would say, best resources for research and for sermon prep might even have some good application to make the scriptural applications

for my people. Not a lot of people ask me for insights to their sermons, Michael. Well, I'm not your average bearer, Dr. John. That's a level of trust people don't usually throw my way. Well, I read your book, Redefining Anxiety. I listen to your show regularly, and I usually listen to you at one and a half speed, so you do sound good at one and a half speed. Yes. But as I read through the book, obviously it starts with the proverb right at the very beginning, and then you define the problem very clearly and then bring the application in really well. And so I thought, you know, that kind of resource is helpful for a lay person such as myself,

who's not necessarily, obviously I'm not a psychologist or psychiatrist or well-dealed in that. So how do I help bring those two worlds together? And that's where that practical application is needed. It's helpful. Yeah, it's so good. What a great question.

So what I've noticed over the last 15 or 20 years, I'll just leave it at 15, 20 years, is a temptation by pastors to, both a temptation and this weird expectation to become experts in everything and to have an opinion or to speak on everything as though they are at ground zero with those particular things. And now we've got pastors who are speaking on all sorts of issues. You know what I'm talking about? This is clearly not you, but it's your colleagues for sure, not you. And so I think a great place to start when it comes to a discussion on emotions,

a discussion on, what did you say? You want to talk about emotions, biblical emotions? Yeah, so I'm really calling them problematic emotions, so things like anxiety, anger, grief, along that line. So the reality of pastoral ministry is that these are the conversations. And so I do pastoral counseling. I have a seminary and a post-seminary degree in training and this kind of thing. And so these are the conversations that I have. So from

a, from like a ministry standpoint, a lot of it is really, we're talking about is biblical discipleship, helping people to understand their situation and see it in the, in the, through the lens of the gospel. Right. And then some of that, then some people need to, they need more help. They need to spend time with a trained counselor in that area and that kind of thing. So I'm not trying to be more than I can be. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. But I know that people are sitting in the seats, and these are the things that are happening behind the closed doors at home.

There you go. That they have yet to be willing to drag out in the light. Ah, okay, okay. Yeah, so it kind of drives a lot from the pastoral side of the ministry. Yes. So pastoring and preaching come together and meet there. So that's where it's really being driven from. Gotcha.

So number one, I want to just applaud you for leading your church through how can I help my people live more peaceful lives? How can I let them, teach them to be better parents and better spouses and better neighbors? And that starts with dealing with, I can't handle these emotions, right? Where are these things coming from? What are they about? What I've found over the last year working here at Ramsey is letting somebody know, hey, the reason you're so raged out is because your brain's trying to take care of you, not because of this thing on

politics you think is happening. It's because this thing over here is poking on you. It's giving people, whew, right? Or one of my favorite theological quotes of all time is from Rich Mullins, which is we often over-spiritualize Jesus. And I think there's an incredible sermon series that can be done on the human, the guy who had his heart broken, the guy who was exhausted, the guy who was laying on his face saying, the guy who had doubt, Dad, can we do it another way? I don't want to do it like this. The guy who then got up and went anyway, right? So when it comes to emotions, the things that I want people to always know is we live in a world, and I'm trying to do a third way here.

You may have heard me say that. We live in a world that's either forget your feelings, forget your emotions, get over it, quit being angry,uck it up. Or the other swath of our culture is all about your feelings are everything. What do you feel? And if you don't feel loved or happy or good, then you do you and YOLO and all that, right? Right. The third way is, and I think it's modeled biblically, is you got to feel that stuff and then go, and then go do. And so what I always want to – I like to start with experts, man, and not always academic experts.

But I love talking to somebody who might be a marriage counselor. I would love my church to hear those kind of people. I love getting Genesis lessons from a biologist. It's awesome. It's a complete reframe, right? So if I'm you, I would look at a couple of core emotions. Chip Dodd's got some stuff out there.

Henry Cloud in Townsend with Boundaries has some stuff that, there are some problems that we can address. And by addressing those problems, we end up getting into the feelings and the emotions part. Then we end up getting in the, how does that apply to me? Here's what I mean. Sometimes let's talk about being angry. It's easy to go, I'm not angry. I just drive 95 miles an hour and dig my fingernails into my car, right? I'm not angry. Sometimes, especially men, we tend to shy away from our emotions. I love to come at things more problem-based.

That's why we do this call, this show. People might look on there and say, dude, I got nothing to learn from somebody with bipolar disorder. And we get to the end and they're like, oh, gosh, I need to take control of fill in the blank. So similarly, if I'm doing a series on emotions, I might do a series on how to be a better dad. Because a part of being a better dad means pausing before I speak and feeling my body as it gets angry and then asking myself, surely it's not from a four-year-old.

Where's this anger coming from? Oh, it's lack of control. It's fear. It's that I-old. Where is this anger coming from? Oh, it's lack of control. It's fear. It's that I'm terrified. It is whatever, right? Okay. How to be less anxious. What's a biblical discussion of what depression looks like?

And I'm a firm believer with all my heart that the science of mental health and the neurology and all the neuroscience all of that lines up i mean you're talking about ancient wisdom it all lines up it's like the joke with us it's like it's like the new old wisdom it all lays on top of itself right so there's nothing to be afraid of in fact there's it's exciting for me i like watching it when it lines up that way. So I'm going to start with, this is just me. You start however you want. I mean, if you want to talk about, do a whole series on feelings. Chip Dodd's got a book out on feelings that's a good resource just to walk people with the,

I think he's got seven core feelings. Some have 15 core feelings. Some have five, whatever. You can do that. I just know in my life, I tend to go, I'm not emotional. So I don't need this lesson. It's not for me. I'll just play in my life, I tend to go, I'm not emotional. So I don't need this lesson. It's not for me. I'll just play on my phone. But if you say, hey, how to be a better husband, I'll listen to you.

I'll give you 10 minutes on that and see if you can convince me. Or how to get a good night's sleep. You know, you talk about the fruit to the spirit. Is there anything more peaceful than a guy falling asleep on a boat when everybody else is thinking they're going to drown like there's just a level of peace there like what we don't even know what that feels like man so that's where i would look at it and then reverse engineer it does that answer your call i feel like i'm just rambling at you now no it it does it helps it helps very much um so obviously in that opening you you've got to you got a hook you're gonna give them the reason

that they say hey i need to stay dialed in and listen to what he has to say and what he's sharing. So it's extremely helpful the way you backed into that. The other thing is I want – after people feel those feelings, I want them to demand evidence from them. Is this true or is this not true? And if I can get somebody to demand evidence instead of acting on that feeling, the whole world changes. The whole world changes. If somebody cuts me off, and instead of flipping them off, grabbing my gun, tailgating them, somebody cuts me off, and I can pause and say, what am I so mad about? And I go, oh, I lack control here. I fill in the blank,

fill in the blank. Then I can calm down and slow down, man. Because tailgating them is not going to do anything but put me at greater risk than what they just, right? So can I just have a gap there? And then I want to teach people, man, I don't know what's happened to you in the past. Everybody I know has got garbage, some worse than others. But we all have to wake up today and say, what are we going to do today? Right? And that's getting up the next day after the garden and saying, I don't want to do this. And then saying, but I'll go.

You know what I mean? Like, I didn't want to stop. And with the Samaritan, he didn't want to stop wherever he was going and pay for that dude's bills. But here I am, and now I get to choose what I do next. Right. And that, to me, becomes the message. You got to feel your feelings and then demand evidence. And then you got to go do whatever that looks like for you. And if I can help people walk through that,

then the emotion stuff tends to work themselves out, man. Okay. Excellent. That's extremely helpful to think that through, right? So I love how you said that it helped them to feel the feeling and then demand evidence of their feeling. What's true? What's real? What's really true? Our feelings lie to us a lot. Our feelings are just our body's way of trying to communicate with us, right?

And our body, if it can communicate that we're going to die, it will get us out of a situation. It will help us fight a situation or help us free. It will help us hide in a situation, but it keeps us alive. And that's our body's job. Our body's job is not to help us have great marriages or to have good jobs long-term or to make good investment decisions. Body's job is to keep you alive. And man, sometimes those feelings, they lie to us. They over-sensationalize, they over-dramatize, they whatever, because the body's trying to get a reaction out of you. Can I just feel that feeling

and go this is crappy i mean i'm in a season of mourning that hurts and still i gotta go eat right man she really hurt me just now i'm still gonna empty the dishwasher because that's what i said i would do if i if we can get people to do that in our churches, in our schools, in our communities, we're talking about a different planet, right? Yeah, I think over the years, the church has not intentionally meant to be this way, but I think we've probably simplified or not really answered the questions that people are asking. And so because we don't know what to say, we just say simple platitudes like, well, you know, you just need to pray about it. Not that prayer, not the discipline of prayer is not integral in the spiritual growth and the victory that people have in this. Um, but they're, they're, they're dealing with real feelings and really trying to live, you know, Monday through Friday and, and do it well. Like ultimately, you know, life is complicated and they're just trying to get it right. And so I feel like they

have, they have questions and I'm just not certain that we've really taken the time as the church to answer them in a healthy way that roots them back into the scriptures. I think we've just been afraid. I think the church is afraid to address things that might get a little messy, to be honest with you. I think the church as a whole has absolutely embarrassingly dismally met the needs of their, of the questions people in their churches are asking. I think you're exactly right.

And it takes a group of brave pastors like yourself to lean in and say, what are y'all hurting with? We'll, we'll start there. Yeah. And man, I'm telling you, you get a group of people.

I think the same thing with our school system, man people I think the same thing with our school system man I think the same thing with politics people are talking about what are you talking about I don't even know what that means you know what I mean I can't tell you the number of times I've heard a sermon and I just looked at my wife like what are you talking about I don't know

what you're even saying or I'm sitting in a, in a, like a continuing ed program. Like, do you hear the words coming out of your mouth? It doesn't even make sense. It's just a platitude on top.

Yeah. On top of a platitude. It's time that all of us get very intentional about the real questions people are asking. And. Well, because those are real people in the scriptures. I mean, Jesus is real.

And, uh, the, you know, the garrison demoniac was a real person and nicodemus was a real person and zacchaeus was a real person and david and goliath and you know peter and paul all these they're they're they're real people this is not like aesop's fables or whatever and so there are human emotions that are played out as you've pointed out already that are played out on the pages of the scriptures in front of us. And so, I mean, even Jesus described as he went from town to town, he described the people as harassed and helpless like sheep without a shepherd.

I mean, that was how he first observed people when he walked into town. And then he went to the business of teaching, ministering, and bringing healing. So he was not just dropping, making mic drop moments with his theology. He was applying that in real life and helping people right where they were at. And that's what we're trying to do. And create some conversation with people. Also, he got people watered. Right.

You know what I mean? Or he talked to women when women weren't supposed to be talked to. He went into situations that people said, you shouldn't be there. And he's like, no, this is where I'm at. Right. And so there's an action to it. There's a disruptive, there's a disruptive spirit. I'm going to be about loving people. And that means I'm going to get in the mess. And I'm going to get between somebody trying to hurt you. I'm going to sit down on the ground and draw on the dirt. That's how close to this thing I'm going to get.

Right. Yeah, man. If we get – But, you know, we're – Go ahead. I was going to say, you know, we're to minister that grace and love of Jesus, and it just can't be slung at from a distance. You have to step into those lanes, you know, not take it on. I can't take on everybody's problems.

I did that as a young pastor thinking I was supposed to fix everything. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, you get fried and cooked and burned out. That's exactly right. Right, and I took it all home. But you still got to be able to step into those lanes and meet people where they're at. That's exactly right. And I think a humility of a pastor to say, tonight or this morning I brought in for 20 minutes of the 40 minutes a first responder who's running the street right now.

Here's what our neighborhoods look like. Here's the fear this person feels. And then tying that back, we learn through story. Jesus taught through parables. We learn through narrative. I won't get down that road. That's more of a controversial road, but we learn through story. We learn through experience. Here is a teacher. Here's what her world has been the last 24 months. So when you talk about anxiety, this is what this feels like.

When it talks about carrying burdens, here's what this actually feels like. And the more we can make this stuff real, the more we can make these lessons not not just so these things that you sew on a pillow, but a way we treat each other, a way we lean into discomfort, a way that we sit with people on the margins of our society. Dude, you're talking everything. Everything changes. Everything changes. And people just start talking way, way, way, way less and loving and doing way, way, way more. So thank you so much for calling. All that helps, man. There's a reason nobody asked me to preach. Speaking of preaching, today's song of the day. I knew we were going to go with this artist. I just couldn't figure

out which hit we were going to use until I realized, oh, he only had one. One. This one's for those my age and listening. I'm not even going to tell you the name of the song. It just goes like this. Yo. VIP, let's kick it. All right, stop.

Collaborate and listen. Ice is back with a brand new invention. Something grabs a hold of me tightly and I flow like a harpoon. Daily and nightly. Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know. Turn off the lights and I'll glow. To the extreme, I

rock the mic like a vandal. I light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle. Dance. Go rush the speaker that booms. I'm killing your brain like a poisonous mushroom. Deadly? When I play a dope melody because anything less than the best is

a felony? Love it or leave it, you better gang way. You better hit bullseye.ames don't play if you got a problem yo all salt just check out the hook while james child revolves it see you soon