The Dr. John Delony Show - I’m 18 Years Old and Porn Is Ruining My Life

Episode Date: November 14, 2022

On today’s show, we hear about: - An 18-year-old crippled by his porn addiction - Delony’s thoughts on one therapist’s heartbreaking TikTok - A woman deeply worried about her boyfriend’s compulsive spending Lyrics of the Day: "Forever Young" - Bob Dylan Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Now, I got into the addiction of pornography and masturbation, and I became super heavily addicted, and I still am. I was, like, masturbating, like, 30 times a day, and it's really bad. And I don't laugh when I say it. To me, it's not a laughing matter. No, it's hell, dude. It's hell. It's hell. Yo, yo, yo.

What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad you joined us on the most extraordinary mental health marriage parenting podcast that's ever existed. I'm running in here hot, man, dropping my keys. Let's get this thing going. I'm running in here hot, man, dropping my keys. Let's get this thing going. I'm excited. Glad you're here. If you want to be on the show, we walk alongside real people struggling with real things and we just figure out, hey, what's the next right step? What are we going to do? And I do say we collectively because so many of these challenges that we face that we think it's my mental health issue or it's my diagnosis or it's my addiction.

And neuroscience keeps figuring out what we've known collectively for thousands of years, which is that we're all in this together. And if my neighbor's struggling, then I'm struggling. And if I'm winning and my next door neighbor's not winning, I'm not winning. And if I win a fight with my wife, we both lose. And so we're all in this together. And so it's an honor and a blessing to walk alongside you. Um, and I'm grateful for your trust. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz 1-844-693-3291. Please take 0.2 seconds, hit the subscribe button, just hit it. Um, and you really help spin this sucker up into the algorithms and help other people who've never heard of the show um get a hold of it um and leave your five-star reviews

if you've got two-star reviews um send them to jenna she loves them um she has an oversized self-esteem and this helps just level the world a little bit do not send them to kelly because she'll get in her car and come burn your house down. All right, let's go to Joseph in Las Vegas. What's up, Joseph? Hey, Dr. John. How you doing? Good, my brother. What are you doing, man?

Nothing much, man. Just started college about a month ago. Kind of getting my life together, if that's the best way to describe it. Hey, if you figure out how to get your life together in your first semester of college, you are way ahead of the game, man. I didn't know what day it was until like my junior year. Good for you, dude. That's funny, yeah.

I'm trying to get my life together as of right now. It hasn't really been easy. I'll just say that, you know. Tell me about it. Tell me about it. Yeah, well, I've got some issues going on, and I think that they need to really be addressed because this is really stealing my life and it's really stealing my hopes for the future. And I think if this problem isn't addressed with me, I really think I'm going to have a hard time making it through adult life and trying to become a man because, you know.

How old are you? The way I'm going. Oh, I just turned 18 about a month ago. Okay. I don't know what you're about to tell me. But I don't want you to give up on yourself right now. Okay? I want to start this conversation with a sense of optimism, not a sense of, if I don't, it's all over.

Because you're 18, man. Okay? Yeah. Is that cool? Yeah, I understand what you're saying. I hear you. And I also know that whatever you're working through right now feels like it's weighing you down. So get into it, man. What's going on in your life? Yeah. So ever since elementary school, I've always had this struggle talking to women. And, you know, it and I feel like none of them have ever liked me. It's like if any ever did try to talk to me, I feel like it was just, you know, to to just to I would say not to. I would say brush me on, but like to kind of just play with me, like funny, kind of to make fun of me, if that's a better word to use. And I struggled with this all through elementary school and all through middle school and pretty much all through high

school. I'd see other guys who, you know, who are, you know, who are, I wouldn't say they had girlfriends. I mean, I'd say they were much better than me and they, they were, they had the opportunity to have a better social life, to hang out. And I feel like, you know, and then this is might sound typical to most people, but to me, it's a big struggle. And I'll tell you why, because it led me down a path of addiction that I really, I really wish I wouldn't have never started. I'd say that it's like a cigarette. And then I got into the addiction of pornography and masturbation and became super heavily addicted. And I still am like masturbating like 30 times a day.

And it's really bad. And I don't laugh when I say it. To me, it's not a laughing matter. It's hell, dude. It's hell. It's hell. It's like a cigarette. Hey, it's way worse than a cigarette.

It's way worse than a cigarette, man. Okay. You don't have to justify it to me. It's 30 times a day. Like, yeah, you're a full-blown addict, man. Okay. You don't have to justify it to me. It's 30 times like, yeah, you're a full blown addict, man. And that's hell. Yeah. So I'm not laughing at all with you. Okay.

Yeah. And so, yeah, thank you, John. And so it was, and what's worse about it is that I feel, I feel lost. I feel angry. I feel, I feel lost. I feel angry. I feel lonely. And then my mom didn't allow me to get my driver's license until I was 18, which was this last year. And so when I would see all these people that had a much better, I would say, life, and I had no job, I had no car, I really, really felt miserable. Like I felt really, really miserable and depressed. And what's worse, even worse is that even till now, when I have all the opportunity to pick up more work and to, you know, control my finances and control,

I feel like that scar of the last eight years of my life sticks with me because it's kind of like I got out of high school and I'm like, I wouldn't say what now, but I'd say more like, you know, like it's just, I feel like that's what made it hard to move out, you know, not move out, but move my mental health and in the way I view things and the way I spend money. And then the way I've, I've so far because of my addiction, I've lost over, I'd say about $3,000 in savings that I was supposed to use for adulthood. I spent it on, uh, spent it on supporting my addiction, supporting my laziness, supporting all of this. And so it, it, it just really has not been good. And I want to be honest with you, John, because you're a doctor and you know, you're, you're, you're a therapist. It led me down, uh, very hard. It led me down a path of a different type of pornography. That is not, that is not who I am. I did that type of pornography that is not who I am. I did that type of pornography because I was so desperate and felt very alone. And I still do feel very alone till this day. It feels like every day

is a good Friday to me. And I tried to go see a therapist. you know usually therapists are supposed to help you but i felt like this guy reasoned more with what i was doing than recognizing that it was a problem and helping me switch so eventually i stopped going i mean he was a nice guy but i really didn't feel like that was like he was helping much and i was okay okay hold on stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop okay I got I got the gist of it um are you involved in child pornography um no um it's a different uh if you want I can tell you which type yeah um well I started with straight pornography but then I would go on this uh video cam website and I would masturbate with other men. Okay. Yeah. And that was the type that I was doing. And it goes completely against my values as a, you know,

as a Catholic, as a Christian, it goes completely against my values as a man, as a, as a Christian, as, as a person who goes and participates in the Eucharist every week, it feels wrong. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay, it feels wrong. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Yeah. All right. Do me a huge favor. Yes. Take a deeper breath as humanly possible.

The biggest breath you can feel in your lungs and hold it for five seconds. A count of five. One, two, three, four. Blow it out as hard as you can. Okay. Now, thank you for being brave and for saying stuff out loud that you've probably never said out loud before. Never. What you've just done is hard. Okay. And you're going to feel particularly vulnerable and particularly exposed as though you were buck naked. You just threw the windows open in front of a group, a huge group of people. Okay. I want you to sit in that discomfort for a second because you're also going to find that's where the healing starts. Okay? Yeah. Right?

Now, your mom ran a pretty tight ship, didn't she? Yeah. And you were a trophy, correct? Correct. And she shined the trophy up to make sure everybody in her world could see how shiny you were, right? Correct. And she protected you from yourself because you see how shiny you were, right? Correct. And she protected you from yourself because you weren't to be trusted, right?

Yeah. I'm sorry that you were set off on that adventure because you were a kid. And you, instead of being taught how to trust yourself and that you were lovely and worth being loved and that what you felt and thought mattered you were told you're gross you have issues that only i can solve for you and suddenly what emerged from that that soil that she created for you is a guy that doesn't like himself and that looks at every other person who interacts with him

as you've created stories and put them in other people's heads and actions that they are acting towards you in a certain way because they're having fun at your expense. That's how little you think of yourself. Fair? Correct. I'd say that's true. Joseph, you don't suck. You're not

a loser. Okay. Cool. Absolutely. And I'm sitting here pretty fired up that your mom never told you that. Where was your old man during all this? Well, my dad, we have kind of a crazy family story. We almost lost our house in 2008, 2009. My mom had over $120,000 in credit card debt that she eventually paid off. This took us about seven years to get done. I know, but where's your dad? My dad was working most of the time, you know, becoming gazelle intense. I didn't really have him that much in my life at a very young age.

He didn't really come in much until I bet I was about 11 or 12. Really, I wouldn't say until I was about 13, 14. Okay. So he was absent for some of the most important moments of your life. Correct. No hugs from dad, no dad doing bedtimes, no dad grabbing you by the face and saying hey, by the way I won the cosmic lottery getting you as my son. None of that None of that. It was it was very tough period

Okay So here's what I want to tell you We'll get to the negativity part Because you are um destroying yourself and you know. So I'm not going to be like your former therapist and try to talk you into making peace with yourself. You have a behavior that you want to change. I'm here for you. Okay. Exactly. But how we ended up here is very common and very normal. That's how I can hear two sentences about what your mom said and peel back the entire story because I've heard it 10,000 times. Okay?

Correct. So let me ask you, what does pornography bring you? Honestly, it brings me temporary pleasure, but it doesn't bring me fulfillment. Hey, don't take the back end of it off. What does pornography get you? It brings me satisfaction. It brings me a sense of love. It kind of fulfills what a girlfriend is supposed to do.

But since I can't get that, I use this. Nope, nope, nope, nope. See, here's where you're wrong. Okay? I want to change all that right now. It isn't substituting for what a girlfriend would bring you. That's a false narrative. What it does is it makes you feel like you think you would feel if you had a girlfriend. This is about you, not some external person. Yeah, I get that. I understand that.

It makes you feel like finally, this is what it would feel like to be loved, to be intimate with somebody. That's exactly what I feel. And then you end up with a bunch of people in a live webcam actually telling you, you're beautiful. Keep doing this. You are bringing me pleasure. And you think that you don't have that ability, and so you like that feeling even though you don't like where you are and what you're doing. Correct.

That's very true. Fair. Oh, it's very true. You hit it spot on. Okay. Here's why that's important because you have to identify what pornography brings you because we're going to meet those needs elsewhere. Okay. Not going out and finding sex because this isn't about sex. This is about a kid who hates

himself. Correct. And hates the world that has been created for him. And I say that intentionally because just until recently you were a child. Okay. And I know you've been 16, 17, having no dad, you've had to grow up quick. Having a mom who went off no dad. You've had to grow up quick having a mom who went off the rails Um, you've had to grow up quick, but you were a child okay Yeah, and so Here's what we're going to do to walk out of this thing. Okay and um

Today's first conversation is a huge start. Okay Absolutely Number one, i'm going to give you uh, one two, three, i'm gonna give you huge start. Okay? Absolutely. Number one, I'm going to give you one, two, three, four. I'm going to give you five things. Okay? And here's what I'm going to do because I know this is torturing you right now. We're going to clip this call and the show won't come out for a month or so. I'm going to clip this call and send it to you today or tomorrow.

Okay? Unedited. All right? Because I want you to have these five things and I want you to play on loop. You are not a bad kid. Got it? Absolutely. None of this there is no healing here. If you keep telling Joseph that Joseph sucks, that's like looking at a wound that a surgeon's just stitched up and you cut it open again and you cut it open again we have to start from a place of

Joseph's a kid that went through a lot of nonsense and then found himself over his head as a child And now as an adult he's trying to dig himself out. Okay That's a totally different proposition. Then I got about 24 months left and i'm eternally ruined Because that's not true. Okay. It's not true. And this is a, I'm in my forties, dude. I'm double, double your life, right? Yeah. I've had multiple ups and downs over my head. So what do I do now? Right. And there's light at the end of almost every tunnel. All right. So here's what we're going to do first. And this is an exercise between you and probably a counselor or somebody you

trust. Who's an older, probably an older man. But here's the question we're going to ask ourselves. Who are we going to become? Okay. Right now you're trying to quit porn and you can white knuckle it and you can scratch and claw and get 24 hours and get 48 hours and get 72 hours. And then you're right back in it, and you can scratch and claw and get 24 hours and get

48 hours and get 72 hours, and then you're right back in it. Because your energy is focused on not doing a thing. Okay? Instead, I want you to think, who am I going to become? Who do I want to be? What kind of adult do I want to be? I'm not going to be that kind of dad who disappears on his kid for a decade. I'm not going to be that kind of mom who imprisons her children and says it's for their own good.

Right? I'm going to become this. And then we're going to start reverse engineering behaviors that help us become that. I'm a guy that stewards his body. That means I exercise. That means I don't eat the cereal bar in the cafeteria every single morning. And I don't grab ice cream every time I walk out, even though it's unlimited. I love college cafeterias and I'm going to use the gym.

A couple of times a week and I'm not going to masturbate 30 times a day. You see what I'm saying? Like this is all wrapped up in. I'm a guy that takes care of his body. I'm a guy that takes care of his mind. Okay. Second thing is we're going to trigger. We're going to identify triggers, trigger identification.

What sets you off? Looking at hot, attractive girls on Instagram. Okay. Then Instagram is deleted 30 seconds after this phone call is over. Got it? Yeah. Because you are choosing to enter into a fantasy that you can't control. This is you not going to bars anymore because you're an alcoholic, right?

This is you taking all the booze in your house and pouring it down the sink because you're an alcoholic. You're going to delete all of the apps, everything off your phone. And if you got to go to a flip phone for six months go to a flip phone for six months Got it Correct. Okay, that leads me to number three Hurdles and roadblocks you have to intentionally put things in front of you that make access to your addiction hard Make it challenging. And by the way, I also don't believe you fully Yes, seeing hot girls on instagram cool that lights That lights your brain up like a Christmas tree. Awesome. But I'm willing to bet that when you feel rejected or you feel exhausted, but you can't sleep, when you feel wound up on the inside out, when your body feels anxious, masturbation is a release. Fair?

It is. Okay. Whenever you start feeling like, I suck. I don't like my major. I don't know what I'm doing. Mom's calling and dad's texting. You can go to another universe where you are a completely different guy that you can captivate. 15 men are on a webcam. You can captivate three women who are imaginary. You see what I'm saying? Exactly. It's when you feel powerless. So yes, looking at pretty women, you're on a college campus for God's sake, dude. There's going to be beautiful women everywhere. It's more than that. It's when you feel less than. Exactly. Here's the moment though. You're going to put roadblocks in there because the rest of your life, you'll have moments of feeling less than. I wrote two dissertations, one of which is now required reading on the topic

that I wrote on. I've written one bestselling book followed by a number one bestselling book after that. And I sat down to write a new book recently. And the first 30 pages I wrote, I just looked at it and said, I'm a loser and I don't know what I'm doing. What an absolute scam I'm running here. I beat myself up for a long time. Why do I tell you that? You're going to have seasons of less than for the rest of your life. It's just called life. And you're going to have to have some roadblocks until you get control of the addiction. Okay? Correct. Fair? Fair. Here's the last one.

I'll wrap it up with four. This is a huge start because you have admitted this in front of what will be millions of people. Okay? Yes. Shame eats secrets for breakfast. It's one of my favorite Brene Brown quotes. And shame is the thing that keeps you walking around thinking you're less than, that you're broken, deficient, that you suck, that you're a loser, you're gross. Okay?

Correct. The one antidote to shame that I think trumps every other antidote is saying out loud, here's who I am to other people. And so whether you find an essay group, which I know they have in Vegas, Sexaholics Anonymous, which is a group of men and women who get together and speak openly. Here's what I've been struggling with. And when you sit in a circle of 15 or 20 men or women, some are 30 years older than you, some are 10 years younger than you. And you say, I masturbate 30 times a day and I can't stop. You'll see a room full of people all nod and go, yeah, we've been there, man. And suddenly your body completely relaxes because you're not all alone. You're not the psychopath loser that you think you are. Okay. Correct.

You have to, this isn't a, I want to strongly recommend you have to have other people in your life that you are regularly telling the truth to. Exactly. Is that fair? That's very fair. Let me be even clearer. You cannot do this by yourself. This ends in ashes if you don't. Exactly.

You are really, really close. If you haven't already, you are razor thin close to meetups Exactly Correct Fair And you've probably gotten pretty dang close already Absolutely Okay

Take another breath and exhale real quick. Here's my promise to you. I'll walk alongside you the whole way. Okay. Thank you so much, John. Tell me how you feel. What does your body feel right now? After hearing that and taking that all in it i kind of feel like a big uh i would say like a rock was taken off my back that's been

punching me over for a long time you know it feels like you know that you knowing what you said it opens my mind that you know there there is that I'm not alone. There's a big, there's always a brighter future and that there's nothing that's ever impossible, but it takes some effort and it takes some work on, you know, on the victim's part, you know? Well, it's on the victim's part and you played a role in it, right? Exactly. And you were a kid. So now we're doing adult things. I don't hold children responsible almost, almost never because they're kids. So now we're doing adult things. I don't hold children responsible almost never because they're kids. Okay? You're an adult.

Sometimes we have to respond to kids' actions, right? But they're children. You have to make adult decisions now. So here's where you found yourself. Now we got to take a right turn. Maybe Vegas isn't the right community for you. Maybe. I don't know. Maybe your group of friends isn't the right group of friends. But before this day is over,

every app is off your phone. Or you've just gone down to AT&T or T-Mobile or Cricket or whoever you use and you're getting a flip phone that you can't access. Before this day is over, you've looked up and contacted and put on your calendar that you're going to the next SA meeting. There's probably one tonight, this evening, in your local community. I guarantee you there's one tomorrow morning. And we're going to go, and we're going to tell the truth. And your counselor, your previous counselor sucked. Sorry. Find another one. It's not an excuse to not do the

work. And let me be real, real clear. This is going to be hard. And you're going to have days where you fail miserably. Okay, cool. Shake it off. We're on to the next. Because we're going to practice this new identity as we move forward. We're going to practice it. I'm the kind of guy who, I'm the kind of guy who, I'm the kind of guy who. And then one day you're going to meet somebody and you're going to have to sit down to explain to them, dude, I was a full-blown addict. You jerked off 30 times a day. Yep. Yeah. I had a problem. And you're going to feel nervous. They may leave you, but we're going to be honest. We're going to be honest. We're going to be honest because you're worth being honest. Hang on the line, Joseph. I'm going to send you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future. I want you to read it and

cover to cover, and then shoot me a direct message and let me know what you think. And anytime you want to call and be on the show, I'm here for you. Okay. I'm grateful for your, for your bravery and your honesty. There are brighter days ahead, my brother. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety

fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new homebuyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their home buyer edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works.

Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we are back. Hey, John. Yes, ma'am. I am calling a bit of an audible here. I was on time today. I bathed. I did all the things. Yes. Oh, is this his highlighted thing? Yes. So we didn't schedule a call for this segment because I found something. Actually, something was sent to me by one of our other associate producers from TikTok that I wanted to talk about. This is my favorite subject, TikTok. Well, it's not about TikTok.

So there's a woman on TikTok. Good Lord, what are these? Ask Doc Courtney. She is a trauma therapist. Okay. And she had posted recently some little sticky notes that just had quotes that her young clients had said to her over the past couple of weeks. Oh, geez. And I wanted to read these to you,

just so you know, she got permission to post these. There's no names or anything, but I'm going to read you what they said and then how old the person was. And then I want you to respond to them. You up for that? Let's do it. All right. This will be awesome if the trauma therapist says things that I've said exactly opposite of. This is like the world's saddest lightning round, just to let you know. All right. The first one.

This is from a six-year-old. If I ran away, my parents wouldn't know. They don't say goodnight anymore. Oh, my gosh. So children have one love language, and it's presence. Not presence like wrapped up with a bow on top, but presence, P-R-E-S-E-N-C-E. And bedtime, I think is one of the most critical times because the whirling dervish energy stops. If you do one thing, parents, have dinner with your kids. The research

is really clear on that. The second thing is have a bedtime routine where you get to touch your kid on the face, look him in the eye and say, I love you. Hope you've had a great day. What's your best thing to happen? What's the hardest thing to happen? And I'll be here in the morning. Golly. All right. The next one is from a 16 year old. Being alone in my room is okay. It doesn't mean I'm suicidal or sad. Man. Yeah. as kids get older, this is hard, man. So when kids are younger, parents often use their kids and their questions and their ability to give wise answers to these little kids. And they're driving them all over the community as a way to fuel their self-esteem. I am who I am because I do all these things for this kid and this kid relies and needs me. Then when a kid turns 15, 16, or 17, they start developing autonomy.

I just need some space. I need some time to think. I need to wrestle with the world. I got to do homework. I don't have time to talk to you. I don't have time to, I don't want to do gymnastics anymore just so you feel better about yourself. And then parents begin knocking on the door. What about me? What about me? What about me? Come out of your room. What are you doing in there? Why are you checking on your kid is very important. Letting you know your kid know their love is important, but also giving them some time to have their own space. And moms and dads, if you feel, oh man, you're getting me fired up. If you feel like, well, who am I then? That's a you problem, not a problem for your 16-year-old to solve.

Ugh. Okay, go ahead. As a parent of a 16-year-old, I don't like that one. All right, this is from another 16-year-old. My mom says, in a minute, and hours go by. This is why I yell in demand. She forgets me. Dude, guilty as charged on this one

Guilty as charged Parents when you say in a minute That means 60 seconds to your child Unless you lie to them And one minute means 14 minutes Or 30 minutes Or when I get done looking at this website Or I get done scrolling Instagram or Pinterest for a while.

Say in 10 minutes, say 15 minutes. And when your kid starts yelling and demanding your attention, remember, behavior is a language. Don't ask yourself, why is that kid causing such a ruckus? Ask yourself, what is that my kid trying to tell me oh they don't know how to say hey dad you're a liar hey mom you're a liar they do know how to say

look at me over here you won't look at me i'll smash this vase i'll do something because i just need to know that you love me whoo All right. I'm called out on that one. From a 15-year-old. Lying to me when I ask if you are okay makes me not trust myself. I am connected to you. Yep. That goes back to one of the things I've said over and over on this show. If you're not okay, one of the greatest gifts you can give your kids is to be honest with

them because if you don't, they're going to think they're crazy because they feel you not being okay. And they're going to wonder what is wrong with them that mom lies to me, that dad doesn't tell me the truth. They're going to wonder what is it about mom that I'm doing to make her not feel okay. So if you're not okay, if you have a bad day at work, you got a hard day at work, your boss laid into you, you've got troubles in your marriage, you got financial challenges, obviously don't tell the kid, we're going to lose the house. But do let them know, yeah, mom's under a lot of stress. And sometimes I don't do a good job letting you know that I love you. And this, my stress isn't your fault, but I'm so grateful for you, right? Being honest with your kid. Don't ever say the words, nothing, honey, it's fine, because that's a lie. It's a lie, and it's a lie that's going to make your kids feel

crazy. All right. From a seven-year-old, I feel like a bad kid when I make a mistake, usually because my parents think I did it on purpose. They don't think you did it on purpose. Here's what parents think. They think that kids are their report card, that kids are their scorecard. And when kids mess up, it's a reflection of me. You left the milk out, which somehow ties back to me being a bad parent, not being you, you being 12.

And you don't, you're off in la-la land or you didn't get enough sleep or I let you eat seven hamburgers yesterday. Nothing to do with that. It has to do with you're my scorecard. You're my walking report card. And every mistake you make as a 7, 9, 12, 17-year-old reflects on me. And that's bullcrap, parents.

Stop. Kids make mistakes. Why? Because they're kids. We teach them. We hold them accountable. But they're kids. They're kids, man.

Jeez. Sorry, I can hear you breathing.'re kids. They're kids, man. Jeez. Sorry, I can hear you breathing. These are getting me fired up, man. All right. This is from a nine-year-old. My mom is too busy, she says, but she texts her friends all day. Why not tell the truth? She's just avoiding me.

Nine-year-olds, 10-year-olds, 6-year-olds, 15-year-olds, 15-year-olds do. Little kids don't know how to ask, hey mom, why are you avoiding me? They just internalize it and they wonder, what's so much, why does she love that little shiny box more than me? What is so annoying about me? What does that little shiny box have that I don't have? And those kids will spend the rest of their life making up stories about it or trying to solve it, either through burning your house down or making straight A's and marrying the perfect person because they're trying to win your love. And mom isn't trying to avoid you, but that's a story a nine-year-old makes up so they can sleep at night because Mom's spending more time with a little digital box than she is with her kid

Put your phones down parents and this is me. This is the pot talking the kettle here man. Jeez louise These are convicting kelly. Thanks for ruining my day. I was already having a not great parenting morning So thanks for kicking me while i'm down. Sure All right, uh 10 year old taking away all that I love doesn't motivate me. It makes me feel hopeless. Yes. Okay. Listen, I probably need to do a whole segment on the show on this. Um, when you punish a kid with, I can do what I want. Cause I got bigger muscles than you, or I've got more power than you. You did this. So I'm taking away this. You did this, so I'm not taking you to the zoo anymore.

You did this, so no video games for you. The kid doesn't get the correlation. They then start acting so that they don't lose relational capital with mom and dad. They don't actually learn and adapt to the new behaviors that we want. That's why it's so important to teach kids that they get to choose. So in my house, there's seasons when if my son gets in trouble and he can't, I don't know, let's pretend we had an Xbox. We don't have one of those, but if we had an Xbox and he makes a bad grade I can go in and say you got a bad grade. So i'm taking the xbox Which is me saying i've got bigger muscles and i've got power and you your life will be about what I want. No

I will say hey in this house. We have this standard of academic excellence Nothing is more important than your grades and your character right now and Here's the standard i've set you can choose to meet it or not. That's cool, your choice. And so if you don't meet it, you're just choosing to not play Xbox for the next six weeks.

That's cool. That's your choice. And my son is going to learn that he has responsibilities and choices in his life. And the consequences are things that he chooses. You can choose to not drive the speed limit and you're choosing to get tickets. You're choosing to go to jail. You're choosing to kill somebody crossing a street. That's your choice. And there's consequences and accountability on

the back end of it. Not you kid. You see what I'm saying? Golly, dude, don't flex on your kids. They're kids. Teach them how to make choices. Sorry. All right. I came on Kelly. This is a 13-year-old. Telling me that you're disappointed in me kills me. I didn't do what I did to hurt you. I was just learning. Oh, boy.

You answer this one, Kelly. No, thank you Um parents Your 13 year old should not have the power to Regulate your emotions because you're an adult and they're a child I don't give my kids the power to make me mad I sometimes choose to be angry and I use that kind of language My kids don't have the power to frustrate me.

I can choose to be frustrated and I let them know. I'm choosing to be frustrated right now because I've asked you four times to do X, Y, and Z and you've chosen not to. I'm choosing to be frustrated. But I don't tell them, if you do that, I'm going to get mad. Or if you do something, I'm going to be really disappointed in you. You don't have that kind of strength or power because I'm an adult and you're a child. Parents, when kids feel like they're responsible for the emotional regulation of the adults in their life, they crumble under the weight because they can't carry it because they're kids. So if you find yourself angry, you find yourself frustrated,

you find yourself lashing out, you find yourself all raged out and mad at your kids, that's a you problem, not them. You have to ask yourself, what is it about a nine-year-old that is making me lose control? What is it about a 16-year-old that's making me rage out? That's a you question, not a 16-year-old kid question. Because here's my promise. That 16-year-old gets compliant real fast. You're just still going to have that rage. You're just going to direct it at your boss, at your partner. You're going to direct it at the mailman. You're going to direct it at politics because that's a rage problem that you have. Your kid's just an easy target. You solve you. Quit asking your kids to carry you, your emotions. Okay, there we go. Next one.

A 13-year-old. old hey i can just feel people like unsubscribing as we go like i'm out i'm out i'm out no i don't think so because i think that as parents we all see ourselves in some of these uh from a 13 year old when i annoy my mom it's because i want her attention i don't get it any other way yeah um it goes back to the first one up here. The number one way kids absorb love is through presence. Not always attention, but presence. Mom is here with us in the room. She's not sitting there like an organic lump of matter, but she's 2000 miles away on Pinterest or dad is sitting there on the chair with his feet propped up watching TV. He's not with us. Presence is a huge deal, and kids will go to the ends of the

earth. It was when a trauma psychologist, it was a buddy of mine, told me, hey, dude, you know straight A's is a trauma response too sometimes. And I was like, say what? And he's like, yeah, dude, kids who don't get adult attention will set something on fire. They'll hit somebody in the face. They will become emotionally dysregulated. Or they'll be the best player on the baseball team. They'll give up every weekend of their life chasing a silly little ball, traveling all over God knows where,

spending tens and tens of thousands of dollars of their parents' money just so mom and dad will look at them and say, we're proud of you. Kids will give it all up, including their freedom. They will take punishment if you'll just show them that you're present with them. And sometimes it takes a kid hitting somebody or burning something down or dropping something for parents to snap out of their la la land and just be present be present man my parents are better off divorcing i feel like i'm having i'm just tele talking to myself i'm just talking really frustrated to this camera here i'm just talking to myself because good gosh almost all these are just calling me out here all right this is an eight-year-old. My parents are better off just divorcing. They stay together

for my siblings and I. When an eight-year-old says that, here's what an eight-year-old says. My body can't handle the tension in my home anymore. I need it to stop. It's the same as when somebody says they are considering dying by suicide i've never met one that really wants to be dead i've met almost all of them really want to stop hurting and so i can almost guarantee you this eight-year-old doesn't want divorced parents his body is craving peace and there's some real incredible literature that suggests a couple who chooses, and I use that word intentionally, a couple who chooses to have a good marriage. They make that decision every day, every week, every month, every year.

They live longer. Their health is better. Their legacy changes, their kids' lives are better, and adults who choose miserable marriages. I just fell out of love. Shut up. Parents who choose, adults who choose bad marriages, they have shorter lives, their kids are a mess, and on and on and on. And so I think, I really believe this. I think almost every marriage is salvageable. Almost every one, barring a couple of outside of the bell curve issues. If you refuse to be adults and choose to have a joyful marriage, choose to get help for your challenges,

choose to learn some new skills on how to communicate together, choose these things, then yeah, the eight-year-old's probably right. Because then you're choosing to make your kids miserable and you're choosing to die early. And why would you choose that? But the eight-year-old man, I wish my parents would just divorce. No, what he's saying is, I wish the fighting would stop. I wish the tension in that home would stop. I wish I could sleep without having to cover my face up with my pillow and block my ears. That's what that eight-year-old is saying, and that breaks my heart, man. All right. Ten years old.

I love my mom and dad even when they yell at me. I always loved them. I wish I knew that they loved me as much. Don't yell at your kids. Parents, don't yell at your kids. Parents, don't yell at your kids. Yelling at your kids is trauma. It dysregulates them. It overwhelms their response system. Don't yell at your kids because this kid said it perfectly. They still love you and they're tethered to you. They can't move. When you're in a bar

and you're throwing punches at somebody, they can run out the door. When you're a 10-year-old and your dad is yelling at you, they got nowhere to go and their bodies can't absorb it. Parents, don't yell at your kids. Hey, let's do some more, Kelly.

Good gosh. Last one. Hey, we'll do one more, Kelly Gosh Last one Hey, we'll do one more But you gotta promise that next time It's gonna be all just joyful things Yes, it'll be puppy dogs and rainbows, I promise Well, puppies poop everywhere Well, actually, this one's about the dog So we probably shouldn't use puppy dogs

Let's do it This is from a seven-year-old My dog gets more attention Dad says it's because the dog can't talk. So I stopped talking. I don't think I even need to respond to that. His father isn't worthy of that seven-year-old's love. That one's going to make my... Yeah, I'm going to leave it at it at that I'm out we'll be right back

this show is sponsored by better help October is the season for wearing costumes and if you haven't started planning your costume seriously get on it I'm pretty sure I'm gonna go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families.

We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties,

not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes

and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. We are back and um man i'd like to thank kelly for that little bit of that ray of sunshine she just put into all of our lives here no actually i'm glad you did that um i i think i think i've mentioned this on the show i remember um when my kid was he was in sixth grade my son was his last year when the, um, Russian invasion kicked off. And I took him up to our room, um, to the guest room and said, uh, just sat him down and said, Hey, this is a, this is a grownup conversation we're going to have. This is a, um, two guys having a grownup conversation.

He said, yes, sir. I hear you. I said, tell me what you know about, um, the Russian invasion. And whoa, him and his buddies were already talking about what they'll do if they get drafted, about how long this is gonna take, how close we are to World War III. They knew a lot.

And we often forget just how incredibly articulate and absorbent our children are. Five, six, seven, five and six and seven. The younger ones feel it. They feel the energy. Five and six and seven. The younger ones feel it. They feel the energy. Five and six and seven is when they start telling stories. And so don't ever think that your kids don't know what's going on.

They may not know the details of the particulars, but they absorb every second of it. And so much of their behavior is trying to discharge their responsibility to keep the house together. And it's just, it's a mess, man. Be honest with your kids. Because they know. They know.

All right, let's go out to Bridget in Lancaster. What's up, Bridget? Hey, how you doing, Dr. John? Partying. What about you? Oh, working. Awesome. You should get a job where you can party at it.

I would love a job where I could party at work. You have podcaster dude. I'm running a scam here. It's so good. So good. All right. So what's up? All right. So, um, my boyfriend and I, we live together and, um, he's wonderful to me. Never treats me badly. Um, but there's. Hold on, hold on, hold on. You're going to watch this on YouTube, and you're going to see me just start laughing then. Anytime somebody calls and says, I'm in love, and they're so great, then there's a but, and then they end up not being so great. Is that where we're headed? Well, kind of.

And then when they answer, well, then the answer is for sure, for sure. All right. Tell me about him. So it's more of a situation where we're kind of, we're not on the same page about certain things that to me are important. So basically he has this obsession with buying clothes and shoes and all of these things, but he has no intentions of like saving money for the future. He's thinking about the now and it drives me crazy, um, to kind of speak on that. So he is ADHD and he's very impulsive. Me too. I don't care. Okay. Go ahead. Not an excuse. Go ahead. No. So he's very impulsive. And, um, I, I think I think I need help for me to kind of understand how I can work with him a little bit more on these things. And it's his money. So obviously, I'm not going to get involved in like, why are you spending money, so on and so forth. But it's something that's frustrating for me because we have rings for ready to get married.

Ew. that's frustrating for me because, you know, we have rings for, you know, ready to get married. But I don't want to do that. If I have to constantly be concerned that he's not planning for the future. Um, so, so I need to be a better girlfriend, but he needs to be a better boyfriend in the sense of listening to me and understanding where I'm coming from, just as I try to do for him. Okay. Um, I'm going to disagree with you on a couple of things. Is that cool? Okay. Yeah, absolutely. I'll just say it this way.

You can't fix him. You can't change him. There's not a thing that you haven't done that makes him go, oh, you're right. I spend money like an idiot or I'm trying to present myself to the world as a bro, dude, because I got dope shoes and shirts and jackets.

Like, that's not your responsibility, one. And two, you can't do anything about it. And you're entering into a marriage here, right? Y'all are really close. You got rings. You got all this stuff. It's so good you're figuring this out now. Okay? There is one person on planet earth you can control. That's you. Yeah, absolutely. And you can control your thoughts and your actions.

My guess is you spent a ton of energy wondering what you can say, what you can do, how you can present all those things to him. And what you haven't done is spent a lot of energy on saying, do I want to be married to this for the rest of my life? Right. You haven't spent a lot of energy setting up boundaries, or you may have never had the conversation that said, your spending scares me to death. And I am not interested in connecting myself to a hot air balloon that hasn't checked the gas tanks.

Just want to keep seeing how high we can go. And here's, Bridget, you know this. So let me ask you a hard question. Why do you think so little of yourself? Like who told you that? Nobody, probably me. No, no, no, no. Like who told you that? Nobody Probably me No no no no I mean you said

You just need to be a better girlfriend No He needs to be a grown man You know what I mean? Yeah that's true I feel like you know Anytime I try to have the money talk With him it kind of goes south I'm working on the baby stuff This i try to have the money talk uh with him it kind of goes south

because i'm working on the baby stuff this has nothing to do with money has nothing to do with money this has to do with a guy that is still a child he thinks of himself like a child he acts like a child and yeah he in his defense he thinks so little of himself that he is continually searching for the right pair of shoes and the right jacket that's going to finally make him feel whole, and he will never find it. Ever. He'll even lie to himself and say these shoes are an investment. He'll lie to himself and say, I'll be able to resale this jacket. Yeah, he does. You know what I mean? And that's him trying to, that's a prop up of a prop up of a prop up. Now I've got too many shoes. I've got way too many t-shirts so much so that my wife has

implemented some closet rules. She didn't tell me you need to stop buying t-shirts. She said in the closet that we share, it will have this many clothing items in it on this side. And I'm just going to randomly take the other ones off. That's her boundary, right? And so she's not owning the fact that like, I can't, John, you buy too many t-shirts. She's not going to, that's, that's my problem to bear. I like buying band t-shirts she's not gonna that's that's my problem to bear i like buying band t-shirts i buy them obsessively right too many um but she says this is how many is gonna be in the closet because i can't live like this and here was the conversation that convicted me i feel overwhelmed when i walk into our closet and i can't breathe. It's too crammed full. It's hard for me to do your laundry

when I can't fit the shirts up there. And by the way, they all look the same. They're all just dumb black t-shirts with some stupid band on, right? Here's what she did though. She didn't come in after me about my behavior. She came and said, she owned it. She used the word I.

This is how I feel. This is what your actions are doing to me. And I can't control your actions, but I can control my behavior and my thoughts. And so my actions are going to be, I'm going to take the things out that make me feel not well. Right? And that means I'll give you one thing. You can be a better girlfriend. You can be more honest and you haven't been honest with them. You can be way more clear and you can be much more firm in your boundaries. Is that fair? Oh, definitely. That's, that's totally fair. That's something that I struggle with because I think my reactions to the actions that he takes, it's more of like I get irritated and respond to him in a negative way instead of just being assertive and saying, hey, this is what the plan is here. This is what we need to start. And that's how I know somebody told you that because somewhere along the way, you picked up the narrative that your feelings don't matter or your feelings are stupid or you need to put them in a drawer and your life was about peacekeeping, making sure everybody else is okay. And what's happening as you're entering into a

marriage is you realize I'm trying to make him feel okay and your body is screaming at you, we're not safe because this guy won't think past next Tuesday when the shoes are released. Yeah, exactly right. And you're at a crossroads here. You can do what millions and millions and millions of men and women have done, which is take their body's alarms and shut them off. You can have another drink and another drink and another, woo, let's go out, woo, and I'm going to shut them off. You can watch another Netflix series and another series and buy another bedspread and another runner for the living room because that's going to be the one that solves it. Or you can start for the first time looking in the mirror and saying, dude, I'm freaking Bridget. My feelings matter. When I'm not

safe, I'm not going to enter into relationships or spaces where I'm not safe. And I'm going to, for the people I love, I'm going to be honest with them about my feelings of being not safe. Yeah, I do need to start doing that. That's absolutely correct. I've never really been good at communicating. That's something all my life. I've just been really bad. So here's what we're going to do. We're going to start practicing. We're going to start practicing. It's not a character flaw. Okay. You haven't had avenues to practice. If you just walked into a basketball gym and you'd never picked up a ball and you started shooting it and you look like a weirdo, it wouldn't be fair to criticize you. You've never

done it before. Like we're going to get you some coaching and then we're going to teach you how to shoot. And then you got to practice shooting free throws a lot. And then in short order, you're going to catch on. Okay. And your shot may always not be pretty, but you'll be able to get the ball through the net. And that's what we're going for here. You're going to start practicing communication. And that's how I would start the conversation with him. Hey, I've not told you the truth. Like we're thinking about getting married and I haven't been fully honest with you. So I'm gonna start saying my needs out loud. I'm gonna practice doing it

and I'm gonna make a bunch of apologies. I'm gonna be nervous. So don't freak out, but I'm gonna start speaking up part of my mind because I'm equal part in this relationship too. And I haven't been honest with you. The way you spend money scares me to death. I'm not going to enter into a marriage that is financially irresponsible from day one

because money is one of the top things that breaks marriages up. But I'm not going to enter into the marriage already knowing that we're driving, heading straight into the ditch. So here's what I'm going to do for you, Bridget. I'm gonna send you, I work here at Ramsey Solutions. I'm gonna send you FPU for free for a year. That's all the lessons, all the stuff. And I want you all to watch them together. I'm also gonna send you the EveryDollar app, which is a budgeting tool.

I'm gonna send it to you for free for a year. Okay. The premium one that hooks up with your bank. It's the one we all use. Okay. And here's what that is. It's a finance tool. It is. It's a budgeting tool. It is. But it's a marriage saver. It's a relationship saver because it forces people to sit down or it can be a relationship ender too. Let's be honest. It forces you to sit down across the table and say, do our actions line up with our values? Am I safe in this relationship? Are we being who we say we're being? And if you want to find out who somebody is,

look at their calendar and look at their budget. Look at their bank statement. So this is going to bring everybody to the table. We're going to watch these videos together as a couple. So we're going to, this is going to bring everybody to the table. We're going to watch these videos together as a couple. And you're going to say, this is important to me and this matters. And if my feeling safe isn't more important than the latest Air Jordan release,

that's cool. You're a grownup. You get to do that. I'm out. I'm out. We're going to sell the house and I'm going to go. And I love you. I'll probably always love you. But just because I love you doesn't the house and I'm going to go. And I love you. I'll probably always love you.

But just because I love you doesn't mean I got to be married to you. Just because I've liked being in a relationship and we've had some good times doesn't mean I'm going to hitch my wagon to a wagon that there's no bolts on the wheels. Things are going to fall off at some point. Hey, you caught this thing early, Bridget, and I'm proud of you. You got a hard road ahead of you some hard practicing some hard conversations and some new skills to learn I think you can do it and I think you can come around He just has to think you're more valuable than a new shirt some new shoes. We'll be right back Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious

or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, man, what a bundle of joy this episode's been. Next episode, we're just going to walk through the various new doodles that people have created

in their doodle laboratories. Actually, we're not. I think those are sad too. We're just going to show pictures of Basset Hounds because I think they're the best. But today's song of the day is from the great Bob Dylan, and the song is Forever Young. And it goes like this. May God bless and keep you always, and may your wishes all come true, and may you always do for others and let others do for you, and may you build a ladder to the stars and climb on every rung and may you stay forever young may you grow up to be righteous may you grow up to be true may you always know the truth and see the light surrounding you this is a song to

those little kids may you always be courageous stand up right and be strong may you stay forever young Yum. Go get them. I love you guys. We'll see you soon.