The Dr. John Delony Show - I'm a Burnt Out Teacher

Episode Date: April 8, 2022

Do you ever feel like giving up when things are hard—even if it’s something good? Today, we’re talking to a teacher who’s burned out and wanting to quit, the wife of a blind minister who’s absolutely exhausted, and a young woman at a crossroads with her boyfriend as she takes custody of her three nieces. I feel burnt out from teaching. I’m exhausted by the needs of my family. What do I do? Taking custody of my nieces, my boyfriend doesn’t like it. Lyrics of the day: "Help!" - The Beatles Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Some days, like, I can't even stand to be touched. Like, my husband will come home and give me a hug, and I'm just like, I literally will cringe and pull away, and it's like, just, like, don't touch me. What do I do? Don't touch me. Don't touch me.

Woo-hoo! Remember that song? I love it. Hey, what's up? This is the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm John. So glad you're here. That's Blur, right?

Woo-hoo! I couldn't tell you. Oh, my gosh. You kids born in the 2000s. Hey, we're so glad you're here. We're talking about mental health and relationships and schools and teachers and whatever's going on in your mind, whatever's going on in your hearts and minds.

I'm so glad that you're here. If you want to be on the show, give me a call at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. And I got somebody else that told me, hey, yours is the only podcast I can't listen to at 1.5 speed because I talk too fast. So for you all, thank you for being here. Alright, let's go to Eric

in West Salem. What's up, Eric? Hey, I'm Dr. John. How are you doing today? Dude, we are rocking on to the break of dawn. What's up, man? How are you? I love it. Hey, I can just say that I'm doing a whole lot better than my March Madness brackets that I filled out for this basketball tournament.

Is there anybody whose bracket still exists? Surely not. I don't think so. No. There's some weird kid with a laptop that's probably got one still hanging in there because he AI'd it cheater. But yeah, the rest of it, yeah, there's no more brackets. Yeah.

There's no way. But hey, I appreciate you reaching out and taking my question today. Of course, man. So what's up? How can I help? Just give a little bit of background context before I get to my question. I'm 29 years old and I've been a teacher for seven years at a public school. And the reason why I'm calling today is because ever since the pandemic has hit, I struggle with burnout from work. And it's taken not only a mental toll on me, but a physical toll on me.

So I just wanted to see what you had to say when it comes to being burnout and just kind of trying to balance home and work life. Man, yes, thanks for calling. And yeah, there's a few professions that have shouldered the burden the last few years, and teachers are for sure one of them. What grade do you teach? I teach second grade. Oh, gosh.

I got the young ones. It's so fun teaching literacy and numeracy online, and then a person, and then back online, and then back online, and then a person to seven-year-olds. Golly, and eight-year-olds, I guess. Well, in the year before that, I taught kindergarten. So I taught my first five years were first grade. Thought I was going to be like Superman, go to kindergarten, be like this kindergarten teacher. And it was God's way of telling me,

nah, you need to teach the younger, but older kids. I spent one year as a K-5 PE teacher. And I have a lifetime of stories. So the next time you're in Nashville, we'll hang out and we'll just exchange stories. Some of the most chaotic, hilarious, just wild. They're mayhem. And it's such an incredible age i love it um but it's it's a lot all right so when you say you just can't yeah your mental health is struggling your physical health is struggling uh unwind that for me a little bit so um So, um, there was one morning this school year, about maybe three weeks ago for, or three, three months, I'm sorry, three weeks ago, a month ago where I had an awful anxiety panic attack.

Um, I ended up leaving school for the day, laying in bed for three hours. And that's actually the day that I reached out to you guys. So I kind of wrote down some reasons of why I feel burnt out. And I think that when I get burnt out, it ends up causing me anxiety and stuff like that. So real quick as we go into this, think of it this way, and this is an oversimplification and this is in every case, but often, often, often think of stress as a, as a relatively good thing. Stress helps direct our, our actions. What do we do next? Right? So if I'm stressed about a test, I can quit the class.

I can drop out of class or I can study really hard.? So if I'm stressed about a test, I can quit the class, I can drop out of class, or I can study really hard. If I'm stressed about whether she's going to, that person would ever go out with me, I can hide and run, or I can ask her out and just figure it out, right? So stress helps us direct action. It also, when it accumulates on us, becomes toxic and painful. It can kill us. And when you nailed it, so I want to make sure you hear me say you are right on. It's when that stuff continues to pile up and pile up and pile up, and we don't deal with it, and our bodies are fighting and fleeing and going and going and spinning up and spinning down, spinning up and spinning down, and we don't do it.

That's when our bodies start sounding alarms, like anxiety, like a panic attack. That's when the systems overflow, right? So you wrote down some things, which is always the great first step. What have you come up with? So I came up with learning the ins and outs of a new grade level, which I would say I did it to myself. A lot of these things are self-inflicted. Well, let's don't start judging them and beating them up yet. Just rattle them off for me. Okay. So learning the ins and outs of a new grade level, trying to stay ahead of the game with lesson prep, struggling with baggage that multiple students bring through my door each and every day, their home lives that they're coming with, and also at the same time trying to balance the state standards, trying to get those met,

and then bringing the energy myself to motivate students to want to learn. Okay. So that's acute. That is show up every day, right? Back out of that one ring, how are you, Eric, taking care of Eric? What's your day look like? 5.30, give or take each day. Spend some time in the Word. And then I jump in the shower, eat breakfast, talk to my wife. And depending on if the kids are up or not, I get to kiss them goodbye. And then head to school. My wife's so awesome. She's so supportive in my work life. I get to school about an hour, hour 15 before the students show up. It gives

me time to kind of prep for my day, get things done. I need to get done. Um, school day goes by. Um, I get home around four and that's something else I kind of wanted to bring up was that when I come home, I am just mentally drained. And so I come home, you know, I have a wife at home that's missed me all day. I have kids that want to climb and play with dad. And there's days where I feel more energetic, like I can do it. And then there's other days where I feel completely guilty and horrible because I just want to sit and scroll. I want to decompress. I want to get away from, you know, the work and just kind of take a break in a sense. So somebody along the way told you that the way you feel about things, the way you think about things doesn't matter.

Who told you that? Who modeled that for you? Can you re-ask the question? Sorry, I didn't understand the first time. Somebody along the way, whether it was your dad or your mom or somebody you cared about or whatever, somebody modeled for you that your thoughts don't matter, that the way you feel doesn't matter, that your responsibility is everybody else.

Hmm. That's a great question. I, I honestly don't know. My mom and dad were very supportive, um, very supportive growing up. Um, you know, they always took the time to praise when I did things well. Okay. Let's, let's jump in on that. okay? Okay. Because often when I say, where'd you model that? People instantly go to, and I do this too, who screwed up. And it's often not that. So let's say that when you helped out around the house or you were part of a service project, your parents stopped what they were doing

and they told you how wonderful you were. And then at school, if you got good grades, they stopped the presses and took you out to dinner. If you did something for the team, whatever the thing was, what can happen over time is you equate, your body equates, and I want to make this a character issue, your body equates, when I do things for other people, I get rewards. And over time, I'm going to keep doing those things even to the detriment of what I need right now, which is a break.

What I want to do, which is go to law school instead of education school. I'm just making stuff up right um even if i need to take two days off of work because i'm on the edge of having a breakdown even i fill in the blank even well-meaning incredible wonderful parents who want to make sure they catch you doing right catch you good, can set you on a path towards the way to be loved is achievement. And a varying form of achievement is service to other people.

You see what I'm saying? Yeah, absolutely. I'm not saying that happened in your case. I always just want to peel the layer back because here's what you're telling me. That you wake up in the day you owe something to god followed by you'll have some breakfast then you owe something to your kids and your wife then for eight hours you owe something to a room of of second graders and somewhat to their families because you're also a social worker when you're a second grade teacher and then you get home and you just need like a few minutes to recalibrate.

And if you are not immediately giving that to becoming a human jungle gym for your family, then boom, we have looped back. And now your body has a shame cycle that it starts. Like, how dare you? What do you mean? You get little kids. Who do you think you are? You see what I'm saying? And so think of burnout this way. And this comes from the great Nagatsuki sisters. All burnout is, is your body saying, I'm out. I'm done. Because I've been put repeatedly in stressful situations and situations that I can't win, situations that I'm disconnected, I'm alone, and there's very few jobs lonelier than an elementary school teacher.

Most people don't know that. You have little grade level teams, which are fine. Those can be somewhat competitive too, if you've ever been with a Pinterest teacher crew. You know what I'm talking about? Oh, yeah. But it's an isolating job. It's an adult with 20 second graders

or 30 second graders or 40 second graders, depending on the funding of your school district. And so it's just – it's a drain. Every ounce of your body leaves you. And then you come home and you have to be present for your wife and kids. So your body is saying, dude, we're out. And most people think we're out means I need to quit my job Or they think I need to stop being a nurse Or a surgeon or an attorney or a pastor

Or a teacher And that's often not the case Sometimes it is Sometimes the systems are so screwed up and so toxic That they do, right? But often it's a sign That we're not taking care of ourselves I can totally agree with that Okay But often, it's a sign that we're not taking care of ourselves.

I can totally agree with that. Okay. For sure. And so I would love to challenge you on a couple of things. You have a morning routine, which is awesome. I would challenge you to tweak that a little bit. Okay. Maybe instead of sitting down in the dark and reading your Bible or reading a book or whatever, switch it to an audio book, switch it to some sort of, um, some sort of audio thing, and then go for a walk or go exercise. It doesn't

have to be CrossFit. Go do something to move your body. Okay. And then in the evenings, you get off at four. I would suggest try this for 30 days. This may be a disaster, okay? I want you to take the hour between four and five for you. That might mean go to a coffee shop. That might mean stop at a gym at the way home. That may mean be joining a jujitsu club. I don't care what it is.

Go bowling. I don't care. But for 30 days, I want you to practice. And what you're going to find, I'm guessing, is that our investment in Eric allows you enough capital to then run all the way through the finish line of that day.

Okay. See what I'm saying? Yes, sir. And I really... Don't call me sir. Come on, man. Sorry. I don't even have a cane. I don't have a beard or nothing. The... Yes, sir. I shouldn't be here right now. I should be at home. I should. And that's what you got to write down. Which I'm hearing right now. Yeah, I'm hearing it right now. Because could I like say that my wife is like a huge quality time person. So like, it's almost like when I get off from school, it's like she gets that break, which she does deserve because she's with the kids all day.

Let's don't say, let's don't do it in deserve. Okay. Okay. Okay. Once you get into deserve language, like I deserve this and you deserve that. That's a recipe for competition. Right. So let's take that language away. And let's say I want to meet her needs so that she can meet my needs so that I can then show up and meet her needs. I promise you any spouse worth their salt, which is definitely your wife, would rather an hour of full you than two hours of your half in and half out. Or two hours of one and a half of those hours as you complaining about second grade

parents and their dumb thing. I can't believe I got the testing going on. Hey, Timmy, I'm talking to mom right now. Come back in a minute. Oh, and then this happened to it. You see what I'm saying? Yes, sir. She would much rather you go grab a quick drink or chips and queso with a couple of buddies

from four to five once a week and show up at home or go work out or go for a run or a walk or something and then show up at five with sleeves rolled up. What is up? And I'm here. You know what I mean? Yes.

Because I'm fully on. And sit down and talk with her. Maybe it's 45 minutes. Maybe it's till five. Maybe it's 90 minutes. Here's what I'm getting at. You may be like cooked. There's no question.

What you've had to endure as a second grade teacher, as a kindergarten teacher the last few years, I mean, God help you, dude. I mean, it's been bonkers. The state demands, the parental demands, the unfunded mandate demands, it just never ends for teachers. So make no mistake. And you don't make enough money to work 12 hours a day plus worry about it all night. That's where we find ourselves

with education, public education. It is what it is. It sounds like, though, you have made your life a journey about helping other people, and I want you to put your oxygen mask on first for a season and give it a shot. This means you're going to be intentional. And I know, yeah, I know you can.

Does that, does that sound like something you, I know you can, will you for just 30 days? Yes. Yep. I will. I will commit to that for sure. All right. So tell your wife you met with some knucklehead on a pod. No, I'm not doing that anymore. Positive self-talk. You met with a kind guy on a podcast. And I recommend it. I want you all to try it for 30 days. And if you will, loop back and let us know. My guess is you're going to sleep a little bit better. Your sex life is going to get better.

You're going to be more plugged in with your kids. You're going to feel better. And you're going to be able to let stuff roll off a little bit when you get to the office um so the main focus here sleep movement um getting some time to stop at a coffee shop and or grab a drink with some friends some community time that's not your wife and that's not your kids and some journaling time to get some of the stuff out so that you can move on and then get come home just ready to rock and roll. Love it.

Eric, your family's lucky to have you. Those kids are lucky to have you. And to everybody listening, that's a teacher. Got to figure out ways to support and love those teachers. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume,

seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy,

I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash D'Loni. All right. Hey, as we come back in, just a quick note for teachers. Y'all know I work here with Ramsey Solutions. Not all of you know that. Some of you don't. I work here with Ramsey Solutions. And one thing about this company is we really care about people's finances and how people take care of their money and how that stress leads over into their marriages and into their work and into their lives, et cetera, et cetera.

And we also really, really love teachers. And as I just pointed out in that last segment, teachers have been grinding it out for year after year, especially the last two, three years. So it's teachers like Eric who have who I don't know if he's taught it, but it's teachers like you hear that voice. I'm just trying to do the best I can, trying to do lesson plans that teach our foundations and personal finance course for folks that millions and millions of kids have gone through. April is National Financial Literacy Month. And we're celebrating teachers like Eric with our teacher appreciation giveaway sponsored by the Borrowed Future documentary.

Teachers can enter today to win some cash. Cash. This is so good. Cash. It reminds me, Ben, of that, there's a great old movie. I don't remember what it is, but they were like,

you know, money doesn't buy happiness. And they were taking one of those bus tours through Hollywood, looking at all the big houses. And there was just people out mindlessly watering their yards. And they're like, you think those people are happy? And the people on the bus were all like, no. And he goes, what are you talking about?

Look how happy, they're delirious. You know why? Because they're rich. And that just made me laugh. It's not really, but it kind of makes me feel good. Hey, teachers, we're not gonna make you rich, but we're gonna give you cash. $5, really, but it kind of makes me feel good. Hey, teachers, we're not going to make you rich, but we're going to give you cash. $5,000 cash to a couple of lucky teachers,

and then other teachers will win up to $1,000 cash and more. So don't miss out, teachers. Go to ramsaysolutions.com slash teacher for a chance to win. All right, let's go to Nicole in Indianapolis. What's up, Nicole? Oh, nothing much. How are you? Dude, we are dancing on the ceiling Lionel Richie style.

What's up? Okay, well, I'm super nervous, so hopefully I don't screw up. Have you ever listened to this show? Frequently. Yeah, I'm not that good either. We're good. Same team. What's up?

What's up? Okay. I'm going to throw a lot at you. So hopefully it all makes sense. Um, I've been married, I've been married for almost 10 years. My husband is a new, uh, pastor. Um, like within the last, sorry, two years. Um, he is visually impaired. I'm like percentage wise, probably about 90%. He's got some light perception. Okay.

But he uses a cane to get around and guides off of me and people in unfamiliar places. Okay, so yeah, he's not getting around restaurants. He's not driving, anything like that. Yeah, correct. Okay, all right, cool. I'm a mom to a one- a half year old and a stay at home mom. I run a women's Bible study. I babysit another toddler two times a week. I actually just started door dashing a couple of times a week to help, uh, make, bring some extra money home.

I cook, I clean, I do laundry. And by the end of the day, I'm just completely exhausted and burnt out and, um, too tired for sex and other intimacy. Um, and some days like I can't even stand to be touched. Like my husband will want to come home and give me a hug. And I'm just like, I literally will cringe and pull away. And it's like, just like, don't touch me. I've been touched all day. What do I do? Don't touch me. I made that mistake before. Yeah, this is hard. Can I ask you hard questions?

Yes. Like, where on the dial? From 10 being kind of brutal, hard questions, and one being like, what's the weather like? Be brutally honest. Okay. Has your husband's eyesight been degenerative, or has it been that way since you all have been together? So we have been together since 2009. And when we met,

it was pretty much right at the height of his vision loss. He's always been visually impaired since he was really little. But that steep, the steepest rate of decline was that junior year of high school through freshman, sophomore year of his college. So when I, I've always known him as a blind person. Okay. Um, and, um, yeah, so he was pretty much where he is now back when we met.

So some of the, some of the, just the innate challenge of having a one and a half year old. Your body's not yours still. Yeah. And you're a human jungle gym and you are a human grocery store and you're a human and somebody has to watch you go. I remember the first time my wife was gone and my son was really young and I had to go to the bathroom and I didn't know what, I was like, oh, I guess you're coming in. Like, I didn't know, you know what I mean? I had never, that thought had never occurred to me. And so somebody stares at you while you go to the bathroom or talks to you worse.

I don't want to talk to anybody in the bathroom. It never stops. And so some of this, a lot of this is you have a one and a half year old. And I would tell you to give yourself a lot of grace. Okay. I would tell you to have conversations about that with your husband. Speak it out loud. Underneath that, this is a harder question, and just be honest with me and yourself.

And I'm not leading you. I'm just asking a question. A lot of folks that I know who have romantic relationships or kids with special needs both love the things that make their partner unique or their kids unique. And it's really frustrating. And it's super annoying. And I just, God, can you just go get your own Diet Coke? But nope, you can't. You know what I mean? How much of that plays into now that you have a one and a half year old, now there's a new job. Now you're trying to pay off debt. It's like, God almighty, I don't know where the toilet

paper is. Can you just, but I got to go get that too. Because in many ways it's like having a second young person in the house, right? Yeah. I think I hadn't put a whole lot of thought into it. But yeah, like before we had, we were together for, I'm not great at math, but like eight plus years before we had a baby. So it's like before the baby, it's like, oh yeah, that's fine. You know, drive you where you need to go, go get that thing, help you read the menu. It's like, it's not a thing, but now it's like when we go places, it's like I've got this little child who can't do anything for himself. And, but I still have to help my husband too. So I hadn't, I hadn't put a whole lot of thought into that.

And you avoided the question like an, like a ninja. You don't even have to answer it, but hang on to it, okay? Okay. I want a free, you're allowed to be frustrated and you're allowed to be really annoyed. And you're allowed to be pissed off that your husband, that he is sight impaired. It's okay. It's when you take it out on him, then that's where I would challenge your actions and stuff like that. But it's okay. And a lot of people beat themselves up for those those lightning bolt

thoughts and like god dude i wish he could just drive himself to the freaking grocery store um and i got to figure out how to do this with my this schedule and that schedule now i got a one and a half year old he's got to eat and if after he eats if i don't get him down then it turns into a whole thing and then husband's used to the old days where he were basically his uber service right so you've heard me talk about this a lot this happens with all people who have their first kid and that they have this first kid and not everybody in the house is on the same page with how much has changed. And so in your home, 100% of everything has changed, all of it. Every second of your life has changed. And so instead of getting frustrated, him getting frustrated because he has lived a certain way for eight years, he's coming to depend on you and you on him and you'll have a great

rhythm. And that rhythm is now different forever. It's gone forever. And now you have this new baby. And so it's going to have conversations about, we really want to get out of debt, but this isn't the six months to do this. We need to make some extra income. We're going to have to figure out another way because I can't do dinner and this and this, or we're going to have to get some help around here. I'm going to have to have a college student come over after hours and watch the kid while I do this so that I can, right? So we're going to have to be very intentional about here's my capacity because you can't do what you were and just dump a one and a half year old on top of all of it and deal with a new job that's a ministerial job that takes a whole family to do often anyway. You know what I mean?

Yeah. And then now we're to the sex part, to the intimacy part. What's going on there? Um, oh, that's so awkward. I've never, like compared to my husband, I've never had as high of a sex drive as him. So sometimes it's a little more of a chore for me. It's like, well, you know, got to get him what he needs. I try to be intentional about it, but it's different when you have a baby and it's like I've been on the go all day. So we've had some conversations about it. We've had, you know, like these are, you know, my needs, like I, we, we obviously can't write letters to each other, but we did an email. Um, and I said, these are some of my needs, you know, I, you know, ABC.

And then he actually did the same thing. He sent me an email with some of his needs. It was just A. It was just A. Yeah. No, I think. Not really. I know, I know. I'm just messing with you.

Here's what I want you all to do. I want you all to get the book together and read. It's called Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. And I want you all to read that book together. And there's going to be parts of that book that are like, whoa. And it is not – it's written for women. But one of the things that's – it's been eye-opening for every guy I know that's read it in a positive way. And in particular, she does a great job peeling apart the myth that sex is a drive, that some people just have more than the other.

What she proves physiologically is that sex drive, if you will, is actually a series of gas pedals and brakes. And what every couple's – that women's sex drive is not men's sex drive light. That it's just different entirely. And if you will focus more on the brakes and the gas pedals instead of this myth about, well, I just don't like it as much. Or women just feel this way or guys just, everybody's different. And if you think about the brakes and the gas pedals and she walks it through in a remarkable way. I finished that book and I recommend it to everybody. I mean, all my counselor for everybody I thought needs to read this. It's just a great book on sex and intimacy for women. But as a guy, I read it and I was like, oh my gosh, I didn't know half this.

You know what I mean? So it's a great book to open conversations. There are parts of that book that'll be awkward for you to sit with your husband and read. No question about that. And by the way, you already made a human. We're past awkward at this point, right? We're married. So let's have some grown-up conversations. But I think that would be a great—it's a step beneath the needs conversation.

What do you need and what do I need? This is more, how do I create a world for you where you are free to run wild with desire, with intimacy, with rest, with connection, these really important things that we don't give ourselves permission because we just add another job and another payment to a thing and another car and we just keep going and going and going. And this book is great language. Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. This is probably gonna mean

that you'll have to get some help around your house for a season. And that can make you feel like you're not enough, that can make you both feel like we can't afford this, I'm going to tell you that a little bit of help in your life will pay the investment in a little bit of help, whether that's someone to clean your house once a month or once every two weeks,

and it's just a high school kid. Can you come take out the trash and vacuum? You don't even have to do the baseboards or anything crazy. Can you watch little Timmy while I go and do what, like what, getting some help will be huge. Hey honey, instead of me picking you up, you're going to start getting an Uber ride. And I know that sounds like not sexy and romantic, but this is where we are right now. You got a full-time job and I am working and I'm at home and I got a baby. So let's get creative and let's take off all of the, well, we can't and we shouldn't. And that just doesn't make sense. And that doesn't look right. We're past all that stuff now. Now what we're trying to do is continue to love each other in this brand new season. It's

just going to take us to think differently, not just do the same things we've always done harder and faster. Got what I'm saying? How does that sound? We have a lot of, it sounds like at the surface level, it's like, oh yeah, that's doable. I know this person and this person and this person will all love to watch the baby. And it's like, that's so hard for me personally. That's a whole other call that that's it's like accepting defeat but like i know it's not but that's how it feels like oh i can't

do all these things no answer answer is no you cannot yeah yeah guess what nicole you need help and support and i haven't even yeah it's a whole other call we haven't even gotten into hey you got to make sure you're exercising too. And you got to make sure you have time for you to eat right and to write and to read and to think and to not just try to duct tape each day together so you can get to the next one. And then super glue that one so you can get to the next one. And then wrap an extension cord around that one so you can get to the next one. Your life is worth more than this. So much more. So even before you have the help conversation, let's have a, y'all have had the needs conversation. Let's make that thing

bigger. New season, we're building something totally new, totally different. What do we want this to look like? Well, honey, I really liked it when you picked me up every day. Well, that's not happening because we made a kid. So I like it when you're home at five. So we're going to set this side this much budget money for Uber rides and two hours a day, three days a week.

I'm going to have somebody come over and watch the kid while I'm even there. And by the way, my elementary school son, he goes to, he's gone. He hasn't done it recently, but he goes to people's house while mom is home and there's just a two-year-old and they play together. So it's kind of like in-house babysitting. So she can get stuff done or he can, dad can get stuff done while they're at home, but they don't have to have, they had ears on the kid, but they

don't have eyes on the kid, right? Something small like that, but you need some help. And this isn't about defeat. This is about victory. Okay. It's not about weakness or you didn't make it. This is about, oh, yeah, we're definitely going to make it. And I'm going to start delegating because that's how much of a baller we are. Okay? But let's picture what we want this thing to look like. Grab that book and you all read it together. We'll link to it in the show notes.

It's not a faith book or anything like that. I mean, it's a clinical book and it's a direct book. But let's get into it and let's learn what the gas pedals are and the brakes are in our home. And intimacy level should rise to how you want it to be. And hopefully how he wants it to be. And y'all can meet there in the middle. Awesome. Nicole, you're the best.

We'll be right back. All right, we are back. Let's go to Daisy in the City of Angels. What's up, Daisy? Hi, how are you? I'm so good. How are you? I'm doing well. Thanks for having me. Of course. What's up? Okay, so here we go. About a year ago, my mom passed away. Oh, gosh. What happened? She got sick. It was COVID-related, but then underlying diseases.

And yeah, it just happened really quick in two days. She was gone. Daisy, I'm so sorry. Yeah, and so she was fostering in the process to adopt my three nieces. Okay. Um, they're all under the age of seven. So it's seven, four, and three. And, um, they're my brother's daughters. He, he and their mom are both addicts, so they're not in the picture. Okay. So when that happened, my sister and I, we were living with them at home as my nieces

and my mom, so we took over. But I'm 26 and my sister's 30 and she has her own son. Talk right into the phone, Daisy. Yeah. Yeah, so she has her own son

and I'm 26 without kids. So, you know, we kind of didn't know what to do. We spent four months with them. Then their mom's family from out of state called and they fought for them in court. They took my nieces with them out of state.

And they were out there for about four months. We went out there to visit my nieces. You know, I miss them like crazy. And, you know, I basically grew up with them. And suddenly I get a call. I'm at work and I get a call from social services. And they're like, well, you know, your nieces are back to L.A. And they're in the foster care system with, you know, random families.

What happened? I guess their family in Texas wasn't able to care for them anymore because they had like their own kids and they didn't really prepare. They just kind of suddenly took them. Golly, man. These poor kids. Yeah. And, you know, I love them. So as soon as I heard that, I was like, I need to get, I need to get on it and I need to fight for them.

Like, they mean the world to me um and aside from that I've been with my boyfriend for a long time and you know we're starting our life together we're eventually planning on having our own kids and all that but I've always been hesitant because I kind of never wanted kids I always felt like I, you know, I see so much with my nieces and all of that. And I just didn't want to be, I don't know, it was just a lot. So what's your question? Yeah, how can I help? Oh, it sounds like a mess.

Well, my, now that I'm taking custody of them in two weeks. Oh, wow. So you filed for custody and you got it. Yeah. So you're about to be a mom of a seven and a four and a what? Three-year-old? Three-year-old. Mm-hmm. Dang, wow. So you filed for custody and you got it. Yeah. So you're about to be a mom of a seven and a four and a what? Three-year-old? Three-year-old. Dang, Gina. Wow. Good for you. Okay. So it's happening.

It's happening. And my boyfriend is not on board at all. Oh, Daisy, Daisy, Daisy. Whew. Okay. So how can I help? I feel like, you know, I love him. He means the world to me. I always saw my whole entire life with him. So now that I've made this choice and I've decided to take on my nieces and, you know, like try to, you know, provide

a better life for them, is how do I get over the fact that he may not be in my life anymore just because of his choice that I made? What a heartbreaking and great question. Great question. All right. So I'm just going to tell you the truth all the way through. Is that cool? Yeah. What you've done is one of the most extraordinary, noble, sacrificial things I've ever heard of. And it's going to be very, very, very hard. Yeah. The statistics tell me that you are going to have to be real clear and real precise in your next steps.

Or you'll end up in poverty with three young kids. Yeah. Right. And you know this. Do you have a degree? Do you have a trade? What do you do? Yeah, I'm an accountant. Awesome. Right. And you know this. Do you have a degree? Do you have a trade? What do you do? Yeah, I'm an accountant. Awesome. Okay. So you're ahead of the game. I hope so. No, you are. What's your annual income?

About 65,000. Daisy's getting it. What does Knucklehead make? What's your boyfriend make? And I just call him Knucklehead He's probably an awesome guy Yeah, he makes about $90,000 Dang, Gina Y'all are crushing Okay, getting it Okay So

Dang So here's the He feels like you chose them over him. Yes. Not them with him. Right. And have you all sat down and had that conversation? This isn't about them versus you.

This is about what's right. Yes. And he knows that that's the right choice, but he feels like he can't be a part of it because he's not ready. And he's not ready. And he's used to having a certain lifestyle, and now he knows that's going to change. And so now it flips back on you, which sounds like he's choosing lifestyle over the woman that he's going to spend the rest of his life with. Yes. If that's the case, if that's truly the case, and I'm not certain that it is, then you have like the matrix dodged a bullet, and I'm so glad you dodged it. Because this would have come up in two years, five years, 10 years, 15 years.

If he is interested in in lifestyle over you, that comes up somehow in the wash. It always does. The other side of it is you deserve somebody who is all in on you. And when you're faced with a, hey, my mom's got cancer. She's got to move in with us. Cool, we're going to figure this out. Hey, my brother is an addict, and he's known this all along, your boyfriend,

and that these kids are floating back and forth, and their heart beats with yours is how you feel about them. And there's always this chance lingering. And so here we are. And he's making a choice. There is no easy, simple, heartbreak-free path through this. There's just not. And this happens when, if you had gotten pregnant, this might have happened.

Like, I'm not ready for that. You know what I mean? Yeah, I've thought about exactly that. I was like, well, if he's not with me on this, I mean, what else? What if I would have gotten pregnant and something's wrong with the child and she's not there with me? That's right. That's what I'm saying. You may have dodged a bullet.

And you may have become a single mom with three kids seven and under and his brain exploded, which I want to give him some grace on that too. Yeah. Okay. Here's the path through this. You have set some things into motion. Again, so noble, so brave, so incredible. This is family legacy shifting stuff. At your funeral, there will be hundreds of people talking about the time you stepped up when nobody would and gave these three kids life. Okay. What you're doing is generational, and it's going to come at a cost, okay? So I just want to put that out there.

There's no way to keep what was and to do the right thing in this situation. You hear what I'm saying? Yeah, I understand. So here we are. We've done the right thing, and it might cost us, and it may cost us,

but it's not going to be because we did the right thing. It's going to be because other people don't want to be a part of our new world. And they have that right. And that breaks our heart, and that makes us weep, and that makes us sad, and that doesn't mean that we didn't do the right thing. Okay? That doesn't help in the middle of the night when you're super lonely,

and he's not taking your calls, or you've decided not to call anymore. And that doesn't help when there's a three-year-old that needs a diaper change and a seven-year-old crying and running around because he misses his mom and dad and grandma. It doesn't, and it's the third placement in three years, right? There's going to be challenges on this journey.

So much easier. If that guy would call you today and be like, you know what? I'm crazy about you. We're getting married this weekend at the JP and I'm ride or die. You know what I mean? Because then you double and a half your income. You've got a guy who loves you is going to be there for the kids. And unfortunately he said, I'm not in for this ride. So what has to happen sooner rather than later, and you're not going to want to have this conversation because you're not going to really want to know the answer. You want to know one of the answers, but not the other one.

You're going to have to sit down with them because these kids come in two weeks and you need to have the conversation. Are you in or are you out? Because if you are out, I'm not going to bring another adult in these kids' lives that's going to leave on them. And he might say, I'm not going to bring another adult in these kids' lives that's going to leave on them. And he might say, I'm out. And that will be devastating, right? Yeah, it will.

Have you had that thought run through your head? You've looped through that before, haven't you? Okay, so where do you land on it? I just wouldn't want him to be in and out of my life and then seeing that I'm allowing him in and out of my life because of them and for them to blame themselves. You're so good. You're so good to yourself and to those kids. Do you have one or two girlfriends that can walk through this with you? Yes, I do. Okay. So here's your next steps. Number one, rally your girlfriends. And what I mean by rally them, I mean, get everybody, three, five, seven of them, cousins, I don't care, friends, whatever. And say, kids are coming in two weeks. I need somebody

with kids to help me baby proof my house. Oh, by the way, do you and this guy live together? We have for the past four years, but I just got my own place. Okay. So are y'all already breaking up? Do you feel it happening? Kind of, yes. Is it kind of,

or is it over? Well, it's still the same between us, but then when it's anything we bring up, like my nieces at all, he's kind of like, well, that's kind of, that's your life and I have my life. So when you say it's just the same, that means y'all still sleep together and y'all still go to dinner together. Yeah. But y'all are broken up. I don't know.

It kind of feels like we're in the middle of something or like we're kind of avoiding the topic sometimes. There you go. So you got to have that conversation. Okay. You're going to start drowning soon if you're not already. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

All right. So three girlfriends, four girlfriends, y'all get together. And I want y'all to come up with a strategy for the next two to three months. How are we going to get kids to school? How are we going to get kids home? How are we going to get kids, like, where do they go to school? How do we even have conversations with teachers? All that kind of stuff.

Get a couple of friends who already have kids. They're going to walk you through what happens. I want you to make up a fake morning routine. Everybody gets up at the same time. We do breakfast like this. We go to the park on Saturdays. At least just give these kids some routine and give you some routine, okay? Right.

Otherwise, you're going to be – it's like a fire hose. I got two kids that have been with me for a long time, and I don't even know what day it is some days. Okay? That's what I'm telling you. So the second thing you got to do is have this hard, hard conversation. I think if I look at behavior as a language, you've moved out. He's told you pretty clearly that's your life now, which means that's not my life, which means we're dragging out the physical stuff here. We're dragging out the last like ellipsis of connection, but this thing's run its course.

And you are hoping, praying, fingers crossing, rubbing the genie in a bottle lamps, right? That he's gonna call you And be like dude I'm crazy I'm sorry He might not He probably won't I know I hate that

Can you just say it out loud Does that Wash over your body Yeah I've kind of noticed That it's just It's I don't know. I try to avoid, I guess, thinking about it.

Okay. You're about to have a house full of three little kids. And I want you to be as plugged in as you can. How long have you all been together? Nine years. Oh, gosh. So this is going to be like losing a leg and an arm and part of your lungs, right? Yes, it is.

You're worth somebody that will love you through all of it. Yeah, you're right. Please, please don't bring these three kids into your house and four months later send them back so that you can be with somebody. No, that's not happening. You promise? I promise. Okay. Awesome.

And if you look around and say, Los Angeles is too freaking expensive, move to Tennessee or to Texas. We'd love to have you here. It's much cheaper. We'll pay you good too. And there's no state income tax. You can keep all your own money.

It's awesome. It's like a glitch in the matrix. Cool? Cool. I am so proud of you and at the same time heartbroken for you. Because I think this guy's probably a good guy. I really do. And I think he says, whoa, I'm not ready to be a dad of three little kids. And which makes, here's where the, we take separate roads in the woods.

And that's just hard. I'm so sorry. Have the conversation. This week? Yeah, I will. Promise? Yes. Not by text, Daisy.

No, not by text. no not by text in person no yelling no drama let's just find out where we are because I'm about to bring three kids home and if we're not together then cool we're not going to hook up anymore we're not going to do dinners anymore

we're going to take a break for six nine months and then we can catch up later I'll always love you hope you're doing well and you need to move on with your life if he hasn't already. Yeah. And you too. Oh,

I'm so sorry. But I will say this in a world full of people who think bravery is putting mean posts on the internet or creating cool TikTok videos with rants in them. Bravery looks like a 26-year-old accountant who's highly successful, who says, I'm not letting those three kids who got my blood pulsing through their veins go into the system. I'm going to figure this out. I'm going to bring him home even though I don't know what I'm doing, even though this is not how I drew my life up,

even though I didn't create this mess, but it landed in my lap. Because these kids deserve better. It's bravery. Make sure you get the care you need. Make sure you get the mental health resources that you need. Make sure you got friends in your corner. Make sure you got a group of people at a local church you can lean on. Whoever. You got a gang. Make sure you got friends in your corner. Make sure you got a group of people at a local church. You can lean on you, whoever. You got a gang. Make sure that you're going for walks,

take care of yourself, that you're figuring out ways that you can sleep. Your life's gonna be pretty chaotic for a while. Make sure you're meeting with the teachers of the schools and the counselors of the schools so they can give you the resources. Go all in. And I hope, hope, hope this guy stands up and walks alongside you. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life,

you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, man, the great Sarah brought this album by. Am I allowed to say this? All right, as we wrap up today's show, man. The great Sarah brought this album by.

Am I allowed to say this? Everyone thinks they're the greatest band of all time. I do not. Do you? By the not greatest band of all time that everyone seems to think they are, songs by the Beatles, and it's called Help, and it goes like this. I need somebody help, not just anybody help. You know I need somebody help.

So much younger than today, I never need, I never needed anybody's help in any way. But now these days are gone. I'm not so self-assured. Now I find I've changed my mind and opened all the doors. Help me if you can. I'm feeling down. Find mind and opened all the doors. Help me if you can. I'm feeling down. Find somebody to help today, everybody. We'll see you soon. Coming up on the next episode.

Most people are not narcissists. Most people are jerks. My oldest will be 18 pretty soon. And he has not handled the loss that well. How did dad grieve? How did you grieve? To be honest, I don't think we have had a chance to. Okay. Oppositional defiance disorder. I know it's a clinical diagnosis. It seems like it's more of an excuse over the last number of years for a lack of parenting skills. You're asking an either or question. Is this real or is this if parents would just suck it up and start parenting their kids, right?

This would go away. And the answer is more complex than that. I don't know what to say to my friends because saying sorry sounds stupid. And saying I understand, I don't. I just want, I want to fly there and fight. Your guilt will not help them.