The Dr. John Delony Show - I’m a Millennial and I Resent the Older Generations

Episode Date: September 4, 2024

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·      A millennial who resents the older generations’ opinions ·      A wife who found out her husband is the sole owner of their business ·  ��   A woman deciding if she should go into debt to attend a destination wedding   Connect with our sponsors: ·      10% off your first month of therapy at BetterHelp ·      3 free months of Hallow  ·      25% off Thorne orders  ·      20% off Organifi with code DELONY ·      25% off plus 2 free pillows at Helix Sleep ·      $350 off Pod 4 Ultra at Eight Sleep  ·      40% off Cozy Earth products with code DELONY ·      20% off DeleteMe with code DELONY ·      10% off the CORE Package or the ALL-IN Package with code DELONY at Marek Health ·      Use promo code DELONY for a free hat or tee with your first shirt purchase at Poncho Outdoors   Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼The Dr. John Delony Show T-Shirts   Listen to more from Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I can feel myself getting more and more resentful towards older generations. What happens in conversations is that, oh, the millennials and the Gen Zs are destroying America. They're doing all, you know, it gets political and it just makes me feel resentful. At some level, resentment becomes a choice. What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

Thanks for joining us. Hope you had an amazing weekend. And I actually don't know when you're listening to this. It might be on a Thursday. So maybe you're, whatever. I'm glad that you're with us wherever you're listening to this, however you're listening to this, it might be on a Thursday. So maybe you're, whatever. I'm glad that you're with us. Wherever you're listening to this, however you're listening to this, whenever. This show, we talk about your mental and emotional health and your relationships. We talk about kind of everything.

And I'm grateful. If you want to be on this show, it's real people with real challenges. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. We got people here watching the show live and one of my favorite things in the world, we won't put y'all on camera, but is when families roll in here and there's like three teenagers and their parents are behind them. And I just think of some of the shows that we have and the topics we have and thinking, man, I bet the lunchtime conversations are incredible when there's just family staring at each other over a Chick-fil-A table or

Mexican food restaurant down the road being like, dad, do you and mom? Now, okay, let's go to Omaha. Let's go to Omaha and talk to Luke. What's up, Luke? Hi, Dr. John. Thank you so much for taking my call. For sure, man. What's up, dude? Yeah. So, um, one thing is, um, I'm, you know, kind of a younger generation per the millennials

and I can feel myself. I am 20. No, I'm 33. I always have a hard time remembering my age. You're not that old. I'm old enough to forget my age. Okay. So 33. All right, go for it. Um, yeah, so I can feel myself getting more and more resentful towards older generations. The more that I interact, uh, with my own parents as well as, you know, media can be toxic. I understand that I can avoid that, but, um, but it, it just seems like a lot of what happens in conversations is that, oh, the millennials and the Gen Zs are destroying America. They're doing all, you know, it gets political, which is whatever, but, um, um, but it, it, it feels like the more

that they talk about these things, the more I do research and I find, you know, a lot of projection in what they're saying. And it just makes me feel resentful, which I hate feeling that way. Sure. So since we started this call, all you've talked about is them, them, them. Tell me about you. What do you do for a living? Well, right now I'm a recruiter. I hire people for the company I work for. Okay. What's your annual salary? 73 a year.

Okay. And 73 in Omaha, Nebraska. Um, 73, if I'd made $73,000 when I got out of college, um, that would have been borderline rich in my head, right? I grew up poor. I'm not poor, but we grew up lower middle class. $73,000 would have felt like a million bucks for you with rent. Do you own a home or are you renting? I own a home. you renting i own a home okay so owning a home keeping the thing up keeping groceries like the last few years 73 suddenly becomes pretty tight huh it does yeah okay um tell me about your relationship with your parents just growing up with them um yeah so growing up um when we were younger, all of our summers were pretty much spent with our grandparents just because my parents were younger.

They got married at like 18 or 19. And so they needed a lot of help. And my grandparents lived about an hour away from where my parents lived. And so, you know, we spent three months with my grandparents. And then during the school year, we'd be in town with my parents. And it was great. My grandparents were great. My parents were great. But, um, you know, I just remember a lot of times when, um, you know, my mom struggles a lot with, um, ADHD and she didn't have the grace of upbringing herself. And so being a parent was a very new thing for her

when we were growing up. And so there was a lot of things like dates that were important to me that would get passed by as either, oh, I forgot or things where- Hey, Luke, you're talking in circles, buddy. Get real specific for me. Oh, sorry.

Let me say it like this. Let me say it like this. That's not about radio performance or anything like that or being a good caller. Right. It's about you've been covering for your mom for a long time.

Fair? Yeah, that's fair. And you've been pissed off that your dad doesn't cover for doesn't cover for you guys dad covers for mom too yeah tell me specifically did your mom forget birthdays did your mom forget school days like what did your mom forget um yeah so days when um yeah birthdays well not, but at school, like the things that all my peers were doing. Sure. Um, it always, it always felt like, you know, their parents would, you know, talking elementary school and, and, you know,

really young as opposed to older. Cause once it got older, it didn't matter, but, um, it did matter. It did matter, but she didn't show up. She didn't show up in the way that other kids' moms showed up. Right. Yeah. Okay. Um, and that's, I I'm being willing to bet that's the, that's the benign version. Yeah. Was home messy too. A little bit chaotic. Yeah. Okay guess the most recent thing is back in 2016, I was baptized, and it was a really big deal for me. And my family's Christian, but I was baptized into a specific denomination. And, um, it was really important. And I remember telling, telling my family, you know, weeks and weeks before and, oh yeah, you know, this is great. This is great. And then the morning of, I was like, okay, so are you coming? I'll make sure

you have seats. How many are coming? Like, oh, um, I forgot, or she didn't say she forgot, but like, oh, I've got this other thing that I forgot about. I won't be able to make it. And so, you know, I was kind of the only one. What happened recently, Luke? Like what precipitated this call? So me, my wife, and my child, you know, we go over there all the time just to hang out with them.

And so when we're hanging out, you know, we're always having conversations. And I think the thing that really precipitated everything was just every time I talk to them, all I hear is about how, you know, younger people are doing this and that. And then, um, when I try to involve in the conversation and be like, Hey, well, well, here's these other things and stuff. I always feel like I'm hurting that I can't have an opinion without hurting their feelings because it's personal to them. Everything is personal. Um, I can't talk about anything that I care about because either they're not interested or it's, it's too personal. I can't talk about anything that I care about because either they're not interested or it's too personal.

Okay. So, other than there's telling somebody that they love, telling somebody that their loved one's passed away, there's telling somebody that I think their marriage is probably over. This is the third hardest conversation to have.

Okay. So I'm just going to shoot you straight. All right. Okay. And it's a both end conversation. Let's just pick the 2016 thing. That was a big deal. And your parents didn't show up.

Right. Yeah. And Luke, that was in 2016. her parents didn't show up. Right? Yeah. And, Luke, that was in 2016. That was eight years ago. So, mom and dad didn't show up. And by the way, that's not a new thing for them.

They've continued to be consistent your entire life since elementary school when they didn't show up for important things. And yet, every day you wake up and you hand a movie, like you turn on the movie cameras and you cast them in a movie that they don't even know that they're in. And then you get mad at them for not knowing their lines. And then you keep going over to their house and you keep showing up and you keep showing up and they keep hurting you and they keep hurting you. Resentment is wanting something to be different, but having no power to

make it so. And so in a strange way, your resentment of them is a choice you continue to make over and over and over again. They're not going to change. Yeah. They do life the way they do life, which is very selfishly, all about them. And if they ever feel uncomfortable, it's somebody else's fault. And it could have been uncomfortable because of finances. It could have been uncomfortable because kids, married kids when they're 18 and 19, and they had to figure it out. And now their life is probably pretty good. And so their discomfort is other people's ideas, right? But you keep waltzing into that saying, and action. And they don't know their lines and then you get hurt by it. And so your choice is to cut them off, which I don't recommend, or to make peace with that.

And here's what making peace is, is not to let people run over you. But making peace is you deciding, I'm going to take ownership of my side of this relationship and put up boundaries. What does that mean? That means in the Deloney house, me and my mom and dad do not discuss politics. Period. End of story. We do not.

We very, very rarely discuss religion. Period. End of story. And that's a boundary I put into place sure because I love them enough and I want to stay in relationship with them and also

if I dread going to their house every time I'm bringing a negative attitude to my mom and dad's house that's not honoring of them yeah but I'm choosing to go so if I'm going to choose to go i want to choose that

i want that interaction to be positive and for that interaction to be positive i don't want to sit there for 45 minutes and debate politics i don't want to debate what's happening in the world stage right yeah and so they've been really honoring of that. And I love talking to my folks. And occasionally, politics stuff comes out. We make fun of each other. Occasionally, religion stuff comes out.

We make fun of each other. We laugh. But it's because that boundary exists. And I refuse to resent my parents. Sure. Does that make sense? And so, here's what I'm trying to give you as a 33 year old with with your own little kid you've had this picture of the way of a world you want to be true

it is not going to look like that period end of story and what millions and millions of people do in your situation is they continue to bang their head against that wall. Then they go to their therapist and they say, my parents don't love me. And they use words like abuse and they use words like trauma. They use all these words and mom and dad have just been consistent. They've just been the way they're going to be.

And so the hard work here is not convincing people who have no interest in being convinced of anything differently, even with facts and data. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Is saying, all right, I have to adjust my picture of what this looks like, or I have to walk away. Yeah. That makes sense. This, this is you reclaiminging ownership and so what should happen is you should feel empowered and you should feel deep grief for a while okay how does that sit with you because here's the deal it's not going to change i have this conversation about inflation about how expensive things are how expensive things are now relative to where they were for our parents okay you're right you're right and then every one of us is faced with that question what are you going to do

now yeah i had this conversation with my son this weekend um he's going into high school and usually i'm not really specific about him just because he's older but um he's got a dad that's the worst man because i don't let him play fortnight i don't let him get into like these i don't let him get into games where people are logging in i don't know they all that stuff and that's frustrating as a high school kid i get that man it's the worst but here's the conversation we had this weekend my My granddad, my granddad got a letter from the federal government saying, you are going to war to fight Nazis. And he got on a bus and went halfway across the United States to fight Nazis. My mom was 21 years old

when the government said you now can go get a checking account without your husband's signature you can put your name on a mortgage without your husband's signature that's my mom that wasn't that long ago and now my son is born into a world

where a 14 year old is handed the internet and makes one wrong sentence and it never, ever, ever will go away. Period. Yeah. Right. So here's what I'm saying. Every single generation is born into something they didn't ask for, something they didn't cause, but something they are forced to reckon with. And the challenge is, are we going to sit there and just complain and piss and moan about the hand we've been dealt?

Are we going to play cards? And I think our media, our government says, don't do anything. You're too stupid. You're too unable. You come to our side of the sideline or the other side of the sideline and we'll pat you on the head and we'll take care of you because you're inept and i just don't buy that yeah i think we have the opportunity to say yeah this

sucks and so here's the next thing i'm going to do here's the next right move for me and my family and sometimes rarely that means i'm going And sometimes, rarely, that means I'm going to end some relationships. Sometimes that means I'm going to put some boundaries up and other people might end the relationships because of my boundaries. That might mean I got to work three jobs, which by the way, I did with two PhDs. I worked three jobs to pay stuff off, to get to where I wanted to be. Like, I didn't like it. It is what it is.

But what I'm not going to do is just stew and resentment, man. It's not. And I've got a sneaking suspicion, and maybe crazy, maybe I'm out to lunch, but there were some things that your mom did pretty rad that other moms didn't do.

Maybe not. That's true. Was she a hilarious, chaotic, fun mom? Yeah. Like if the music comes on, does she just start dancing? Maybe not. Yeah. Does she?

That's her. Okay. So me and my wife joke all the time. My kids have never missed an appointment. Ever. Not one time. My kids have never missed an appointment, ever. Not one time. But when the music comes on, my wife kind of just fades to the shadows. And she's like, that's your job. You're the dancer. Right? And so I'm not trying to absolve her. I'm saying most parents, most of the time,

there's abusive, evil parents, and this show is full of those conversations, but most parents, most of the time are doing the best they can with the tools they got. And they're going to mess up some things and they're going to do some things pretty amazing. And they're going to be pretty boring and just right in the middle most of the time. And sometimes it's like this weekend, I told my son, Hey, you've got six things to think about. I have 6,000 things to think about. And you're right. This thing that was a priority for you was down on the bottom of my list. And I'm sorry.

But not really. But kind of. And that's most of us. And so we got to decide. I think our culture is too disposable with relationships. We throw away dating relationships. We throw away marriages. We throw away our parents.

We throw away aunts and uncles, whatever. And man, outside of abuse and downright cruelty, I'm going to make my boundaries and I'm going to go along and do the next right thing. I think question, I want you to ask Luke and I want you and your wife to get away for a weekend. Ask yourselves, who do we want to be? And what do we want our house to feel like

when we walk home every day? What conversations do we want to be? And what do we want our house to feel like when we walk home every day? What conversations do we want to have? What conversations do we not want to have? And then you have to do the hard work of letting other people know these are our boundaries. We don't want to talk about these things. I do want to talk about these things.

Right? But that's your boundary to draw. And at some level, resentment becomes a choice. I'm going to choose guilt over resentment every single time. Because most of the people we resent don't deserve our resentment. Because they're just doing what they're doing. And we never bother to tell them. And we don't like that.

We don't love that. We're not going to have this conversation anymore. Or we'll just head out. Hope that helps, my brother. I'm grateful for you. I can feel it on you. Here's my challenge to you. Set it down. Quit carrying it. Quit carrying it. You got a little one now that needs all your attention. You got a wife that needs your attention. You got a young man in the mirror that needs your attention. Let's start there, dude. Let's just shut that stuff down and be free. Let's go on and do the next right thing.

We'll be right back. All right, if you know me, you know that I wear basically the same thing every day. I'm either wearing a black t-shirt or a shirt from Poncho Outdoors, the best performance shirts for men on the planet Ponchos are literally the only button-down shirts. I wear because they're the only button-down shirts I even own and that's because poncho shirts are lightweight breathable Comfortable and incredibly durable you can't destroy them and I know that because i've tried

Their shirts dry quickly and they have slim and regular fits for different body types. Poncho shirts are flexible, so they move with you and not against you. And Poncho has super soft denims and flannels ready for you because fall is coming fast. I love Poncho shirts, and I'm confident you will too. Head over to ponchooutdoors.com and try them out for yourselves. Enter code DELONI at checkout to get a free t-shirt or a hat with any purchase of a button-down shirt. That's ponchooutdoors.com. Use code DELONI. This show is sponsored by Better Help. October is the season for wearing costumes, And if you haven't started planning your costume,

seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks I want you to consider talking with a therapist Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself

Where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash DELONI. All right, let's go out to Detroit, Rock City and talk to Heather. What's up, Heather?

Yes. Hi, Dr. John. Thank you for taking my call. Thank you, beautiful. What's up? Well, I have been married for many, many years. How many is many? You said that perfectly. 50. Woo! Congratulations.

Yeah. Oh, maybe. Maybe not. Sorry. Well, here we go. Oh, okay. I retract my congratulations. Of course.

My husband and I, we started a business about 30 years ago um i left i left the job that i had to help start the business um and as you know over a 30 year time period we had our ups we had our downs we came very close to bankruptcy twice. I took my pension out of my job that I had for the company. I used inheritance that I had for the company. And fast forward to today, the company is doing fabulous. Awesome. Just fabulous. Our daughter came in, and she's been helping us and

we've been doing really great. And in the process of us doing really great, we're kind of thinking about selling the company or giving it to the daughter to carry it on. So we're not sure what direction that's going to go. But the reason I'm calling is my husband gave me a document as to how things were going to go when we sell the business. Whoa, whoa, whoa, what? Yeah, yeah. He had money divided into trust, and he never spoke to me about what was going to happen. In fact, the way he told me was that he was the only one on the corporate papers and I had no say your name's not on the business no Oh sweet Heather

oh man what a mess huh yeah why did he suddenly start flexing on you this long he's he always run run run like this or is this new behavior no on you this long? Has he always run like this? Or is this new behavior? No, this is the way he runs. I'm instantly thinking of a woman I sat with who was married to a man who's a bit older than her. He had vast wealth.

He was very wealthy. A good man. I knew him, he's a friend of mine. He's an older guy. He passed away and he actually left everything to his wife. She couldn't afford to buy groceries because of the process of unwinding everything. Like, it wasn't in her name. And even though she was a beneficiary,

I remember sitting with her saying, she's saying, I don't have any money in the checking account. And so that naming became really important because it allows you to maneuver. It allows you to make decisions. He dropped dead today. And man, you've got a business that's not yours your name's not on it now it technically would be yours and it'd get all probated out and it'd be a big old mess and that's assuming your daughter

didn't suddenly have a flip a switch which i've seen happen a jillion times but why in the world is is your name not on the business? Well, I think when we started, we had really no money. And we just got a boilerplate form. Sure. And he put his name on everything and didn't put mine on it. And I didn't really think about it. I don't blame you. Although I did have a friend who knew my husband 30 years ago and said, you better get your name on that paper. And I, you know, pushed that under the rug.

She was absolutely right. So you're here. How can I help you? Well, I am dealing with a sense of betrayal. I am dealing with a sense of betrayal. I am dealing with a sense of dishonor. And I am trying to navigate how I go forward to deal with someone who has totally dishonored me. Yeah. You don't navigate that.

You head directly through the middle of it. And if y'all been together 50 years, you're probably going to have to get an attorney or possibly your daughter walks with you. You have to be prepared for him, for this to go caustic, is basically what I'm saying. And I don't know what kind of guy he is.

Meaning, go ahead, what'd your daughter say? I was going to say, the daughter's going with him because he's leaving a big percentage of the business to her. But it's not his to leave, it's y'all's to leave. But that's not what he's saying. What are you supposed to do in retirement when he drops dead? Which, statistically speaking, he will long before you.

Well, he's going to have a trust. He has a trust set up, and I would. Oh, cute. He's going to continue to pay you an allowance out of your business? Yes. Yes. That's madness. Yes.

I hate that it's taken 50 years. Man, we could sit together for a long time and unpack this one. Is this one of those situations where this is devastating and not surprising? Correct. Yeah. So I think the question you have to ask yourself is, are you going to go to war or not? I'm a little too old for that. I'm worried about you.

I'm worried about you. I'm worried about you. Because this is 50% your business. But that's not what he's saying. I'm telling you what is legally accurate. I don't care what he's saying. He's proven his character. I'm just shocked by it, to be honest with you. It just doesn't make any sense to me how people run like this.

But I guess you could sit across the table from him and say, hey, you gave me this piece of paper. I'm a co-owner of this business. I reject this. And if you want me to get an attorney, I just go to court to figure this thing out, we will. And you're going to burn up a huge chunk of your assets, probably to the point we have to sell this business to cover your legal fees, but I reject

this. Yeah, I think that's what I'm going to have to do. And your daughter's going along with it? Is she cool with cutting you out? Yes. Yes, because the way it's written she's going to benefit from it from the way he's planned it oh man because my hope in this situation is she would call time out and say this isn't right no

man and I have other children what are they saying they are they saying? They are, they're not even talking to them right now. Okay. I'm never a fan of doing things behind another spouse's back.

That goes against 99.9% of, um, just the way I roll. But I think you need to call an attorney and figure out what the next right step for you is. I think you need to set up that consultation and pay that fee and walk through it. And if you have your tax returns from the last few years, I would take them in and just explain your situation. Here's what this business is worth. Because they're going to run a net present value on the business and say, okay, it's worth about this if you were to sell it.

And here's the path. Here's your legal path in this state for sitting down with your husband saying, actually, this is what's going to happen next. And I can't give you legal advice. I don't know enough. I'm not that smart. What I can tell you is your feeling of betrayal

is real and it's right your feeling of dishonoring is right your feeling of that my husband and my daughter hanging me out to dry here is right the idea that you've put your entire life including your your inheritance, your money,

for a thing y'all built to find out you're going to get an allowance from your daughter when it's all said and done? No way, dude. No way. No way. That's how he has it set up. Yeah, no way.

What does he say to you? Why does he think so little of you? Well, because he believes that he's the one in charge and he doesn't think that I would be able to run the business without him there and that the daughter needs to be running the business. And I believe she should run the business because he's been training her for years, and I think that's great.

But to totally take away, you know, any stock or any ownership at all, everything, he's giving everything to her. And she knows how I feel about it. So it's not like she doesn't know. She does know. Yeah, I mean, I just know about homes. I don't know about businesses in Michigan,

but I can see a scenario where it gets down to a forced sale of this business and that might cost you marriage. Mm-hmm. That's the dilemma I have. Yeah. What's the business worth? About 25 million. Yeah. So it might cost you your marriage,

but you might be sitting on the sidelines with $12.5 million. I can't tell you what to do here. I can just sit with you heartbroken. Well, you've confirmed what I thought I'd have to do, and I do appreciate your time. Yeah. I'm heartbroken with you, my friend. I wish 50-year marriages were honored, not worked around.

Mm-hmm. I, you know, I work here at Ramsey Solutions and I listen to Dave Ramsey he's been on the air forever and he's fond of saying Sharon Ramsey hasn't worked a day of her life outside of the home she's worked like a madhouse for 40 years

inside the home I just can't imagine that playing out that way. Mm-hmm. Like there's a lot wrong with this picture, but it starts with dishonoring of you. You're right. I'm sorry. I appreciate your call and your advice. Yeah. I would call somebody today.

I would not go up to that by myself either. If you have another child that would go with you, preferably a girlfriend that would go with you, but I would not go to that meeting by yourself because you're going to hear different things and you're going to have a mix of anger and rage and heartbreak and you want somebody else that's going to be able to be present, fully present there with you, taking notes as well.

So don't go to that meeting by yourself, but do make that call. End of yuck. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We'll be right back. It's time to talk about Organifi. All right, here's one of my main life goals. I want to be as healthy as possible for as long as possible.

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All right, let's go to Ontario, Canada and talk to Sarah. What's up, Sarah? Hi, how are you? I'm great. How about you? I'm great. How about you? I'm okay. So my question is, am I right to go into any sort of debt to go to my best friend's wedding?

I mean, you know what I'm going to say to that, but tell me more. Okay. So this is my best friend of about 20 years. And we both got engaged actually last month. Oh, gross. Y'all did it together? No, not together. Actually, just surprisingly within a few days of each other, which is, yeah, it was nice. Did you put that like on a vision board of some sort? Did you manifest that or something?

That feels like what you did. All right. Honestly, we did not. So what's happened is she's decided she wants to get married very, you know, very quickly. It's going to be in two months from now. And it's going to be a destination wedding across the country. And I can't afford it. I just can't. My partner and I, we are actually signing to buy some property so we can build our own home in the next few years. And of course our own wedding. And I just, I can't afford it. And, um, that's the end of the conversation. Yeah, it has been, I haven't heard from her. Um, she did, she did sort of tell me that I have the wrong values and priorities that I should be willing to postpone buying our property. I should think about taking out a credit card or a loan to make it to that. And I'm just, I'm shocked. I'm not really sure what to say or do beyond this, but yeah. How long have y'all been friends? 20 years. 20 years.

Yeah. Yeah. Golly, man. This is the show of like boundaries and sad relationship endings. I know. Can I paint you another picture? Please. This past weekend, I mean, I just flew in from a funeral. And one of my best friends on the planet his name is Todd I talked about on the show his mother passed away after a valiant fight with dementia Alzheimer's and he sent a note two weeks

ago it said I can't call you right this second because I'm a mess, but we did plan the funeral out. And so it's going to be this day. I know you're out on the road. You're all over the place. And if you can't make it, man, I totally get it.

Yeah. It's a 30-year friendship. And that was a woman who was a surrogate mother for me in college i was nine hours away from my own mom and she welcomed me into her home and she fed me and she made me die laughing and then when i got my first job back at the university she fed me she helped me when my marriage was on the rocks and my oldest one of my oldest best friends in the world said I absolutely understand the quick nature of this thing your schedule it cost the expense all of it mm-hmm so that's just me painting you another picture I'm not saying my friend's better than your friend but he kind of is

I'm not going to lie but to me that's what friendship looks like hey I'm getting married I'm doing something crazy destination wedding across the country in two weeks two months

let's do it I can't make that I get it I wish more than anything you were here weeks or two months. Ah, let's do it. I can't make that. Ah, okay. I get it. Totally get it. I wish more than anything you were here, but I totally get it. Cause we're, we're setting the traditional path on fire. Yeah.

Yeah. I wish she did say, you know, it's okay if you can't make it. And so I thought, you know, it would be okay if I can't. And I tried my best to figure it out, but it's not good enough. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so you have two, um, two things to grieve here. One is the shallow one. You'd already always pictured y'all were going to beat each other's weddings. Like without even thinking about it, that picture has always been, been in there definitely yeah y'all gonna be each other's best mates it's gonna be awesome and that's not gonna happen here's the deeper grief no idea she was that kind of friend or maybe you did maybe you did

not at all yeah it's very shocking. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it's hard when life shows up and our friends aren't who we thought they were, even after two decades. I'm sorry. And you know what? It's kind of bananas. She's thinking the same thing about you right now. Mm-hmm. Probably.

Yeah. How old are you? Yeah. We're both 25, so we're pretty young and at the cost of living is crazy. I live on my, on my own with my partner and I have for a long time and don't make a ton of money. And, you know, we've been saving a lot to buy this, this land that we bought and we're so excited about that. And now I I'm told I shouldn't do it and I feel guilty, but I know it's crazy. Yeah.

Choose guilt over resentment because you're going to resent your friend. You're going to go to this party, this wedding. You're going to be a nothing burger. The party's about her. She's going to go have her dance. Her picture is going to be fulfilled. You're going to come home. You're going to be fulfilled. You're going to come home. You're going to exhale.

And then you're going to have put your entire plan, your ability to have a home, some sort of stability is going to be punted out one year, two years, and you're going to blame your friend for it. And that's not fair because you'll have made that choice. Yeah. You got to do the right thing in front of you. And that's the boundary you're drawing. And if your friend chooses to not be your friend because she doesn't like your boundary it's a choice she's making yeah and I hate this you're 25

this is just growing up yeah that's the great Blink-182 says I guess this is growing up this is it man yeah

apparently I hate it for you but hey be sad for a bit yeah be sad that's right. And for whatever it's worth, I would recommend not falling into anger.

Wish her well. Wish her well. Get on the registry and send her a gift. Or if she's got a funny thing, send it to her hotel. Okay. She's made a choice. And have to but i'm not going to give away my character my dignity no is that fair no yeah and i gotta choose my partner too and our life and yeah she can't understand that what would be a kind of a baller move is if y'all

flew up there and got married the day before in the same place. That's petty. Oh, dude. If we're going to be petty, let's go all in. Like Canadian petty. Let's go across, get the cast a letter,

Kenny, to show up with you, which would be so great. And then you just get married the day before, post it on every platform known to man. And then in the hotel when she's walking in, be like, oh, hey, oh, that's right. Yours is this weekend. Just do that. That's my actual recommendation. Right. Okay.

And that would be worth putting off buying a stable place for you to live for a year. Okay, noted. Just so, I mean, I went to a lot of grad school to come up with that answer, by the way. No, that's when, I call him recess John. That's when a nine-year-old John comes out and like, oh yeah, I'll just set my bike on fire just so you can't ride yours. Like, yeah, don't do that. But if you do do that, if you do do that, send pictures because that'd be incredible.

But don't do that. Hey, I'm sad. I'm sorry. I hate that for you. I wish that... This is the second call on this show today. Third call on this show today that just ends with...

Man, hate it for you, Sarah. But don't lose who you are in this process. Don't lose who you are. And who knows, maybe in six months, in a year, y'all can meet for coffee or whatever you drink up North. And,

uh, so y'all can meet for a bubbling hot cup of maple syrup. And, uh, maybe y'all can say, I'm sorry. And I'm sorry. And y'all can get back to the way things were.

Probably not, but maybe. We'll be right back. All right, have you ever had seasons of chaos and busyness and madness? And then one of the most stressful things in those days is the fear of going to bed because you know you're just gonna lay there and be uncomfortable and have racing thoughts

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say that you heard about Cozy Earth on this podcast. All right, we're back, Kelly. Man, bail us out. That show just sounded like it was just like me sitting with people being sad. All right, so this was a short social post, but I liked it, so I marked it this weekend that you hit up. You're not bailing us out? Don't you have a funny thing that happened or something?

No. No. It's a good one, though. It's not good. You just made your pretty face. It's good. That's not your pretty face. It's your I have to go to the bathroom so bad face.

That's the one you just made. I'm just saying it is. That's the one you just made I'm just saying it is That's the face you made We've been speaking mostly through facial communication This is the face I make when I question my life choices That is very true Don't give advice Live your advice

People get your message by watching you Ta-da That's kind of self-explanatory right I think so But it's sadly to a lot of people, probably pretty profound also. Yeah. Just keep in mind the thing that Dr. Michael Gomez told me one time, nobody's listening to you. They're just watching you. They're just watching you. And so if you want your kids to learn about how to treat other people, just treat people right. If you want your kids to grow up and honor their spouse that they have someday, then honor yours. And if you want your kids to honor and understand about money and how the economics work, then bring them in and show them how budgets work and hold them to budgets.

And don't just write them free checks. Let them be a part of a household and on and on. I could just keep going and going. But I just think as a culture, we should talk a lot less. Just shut up. Just shut up and start acting differently. Ta-da. Pretty profound social post there, huh?

Yeah, but sometimes the simplest ones are the most meaningful. Was that you saying I have meaning sometimes? Sometimes. Maybe you should live that out instead of just saying it. Let's end the show now. I love you guys. Bye.