The Dr. John Delony Show - I’m a Retired Cop & There Are Some Things I Still Haven’t Dealt With

Episode Date: February 2, 2022

Today, we’re talking with a woman whose stepdaughter’s mom is a deadbeat, a retired cop who needs to heal from trauma, and a parent whose child’s PANDAS diagnosis has changed everything for their family.  How can I help my teenage stepdaughter work through issues with her mom? I’m a retired cop & there are some things I still haven’t dealt with How do I deal with my child's new PANDA diagnosis? https://pandasnetwork.org/ Lyrics of the Day: "Pictures of You" - The Cure Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a woman who is struggling to connect with her stepdaughter. We talk to a retired police officer who's learning to live a new life. We talk to a mom who has a life-altering medical diagnosis with her child, and she wants to know how to rebuild. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. Hope you're doing well. If your family's healthy, hope you're all taking care of each other. And I hope you are laughing more than you are not. This show, we talk about mental health relationships. We talk about everything. I'm so glad that you're with us. And I want to start this show off with a confession. James, I'm going to go ahead and just put it out there to America.

James, over the holidays, got the greatest backpack that exists. Now, listen, I'm a Filson guy. I just believe in Filson bags. But then I've been coveting this bag forever. It's the GORUCK backpack. Those guys are incredible. I have no affiliate with them whatsoever. They have some entree leadership ties. Do they? They create bomb-proof stuff, literally and figuratively. And then James showed up here with a GORUCK backpack,

and I got to see it. And then I hit send on the final, final draft of that book, and I thought I should buy myself a hit send gift. And so I want everyone to know James got the backpack first, and I literally bought the exact one. I was like, hey, which one did you get, man? And I got the same one. There is nothing lamer than that, man. It's like, hey, guys, can I wear your same shirt and shoes?

So, James, I'm sorry. It's already listed on eBay. You're already selling yours? No, I'm kidding. It's awesome. I got the all camo one, though. Just kidding, I'm sorry. It's already listed on eBay. You're already selling yours? No, I'm kidding. It's awesome. I got the all camo one, though. Just kidding. I didn't.

I got the exact... Everything's the same. The chances of us mixing up backpacks? 100% chance. Except I'll have, like, cool patches. I don't know. I'm not going to have cool patches. But, so, anyway, I'm a sheep, and I just follow James everywhere he goes.

He's the good. I'm the not good. Kelly, are you going to get one? No. Let's go to Ann in Cincinnati. What's up, Ann? How are we doing? Hi, Dr. John. It's nice to talk to you today. It is nice to talk to you. How are things going? Going pretty well. Good, good. What's up? How can I help? So I would like to know how to best be there for my teen stepdaughter as she works through

some relationship issues with her mom. Oof. Wow. Okay, so how long have y'all been in each other's life? Or let me say that a little less complicated. How long have you been in her life? About 11 years. Okay, so you've been in it for a while.

Yeah. Tell me about it. So she's 14, and she's just the best kid ever. She really is. And we knew from early on that her mom just wasn't very dependable. And so we just kind of took over everything. We never depended on her for anything um we being you and the 14 year old or you and your husband my husband okay um yeah because i

mean up until a couple years ago you know she thought her mom hung the moon and so we never told her any different but you know you would see her at sporting events or school events and she's watching the door and like just seeing the anxiety on her face because her mom's not there or mom's showing up late. You know, it just, I knew that this day was going to come, but it just, it sucks. So last year, our daughter came to us and said that she was depressed and suicidal. So we got her into a doctor and then within a few days she was admitted into inpatient treatment. And it took about six months of weekly sessions and then bi-weekly sessions for her to really no longer have suicidal thoughts.

But then with all of that came out a lot of the issues that she's had with her mom. And so, you know, we never want to say anything bad about her, but it's hard to be truthful and political. And then, so all of that kind of came to a head over the summer. It was my daughter's birthday. And it was actually like we have 50-50 custody and it was actually her week with her mom. But her mom, my daughter wanted like a special dinner made for that I make. So I asked her mom, can I make dinner for her? And then like your family can come over, have dinner with our family. And she was like, you know, we don't want to come, but you can still do that.

So, like, we get along great, and we all work well together. So then after my daughter got back to her house that night, she found out, like, her mom hadn't done anything for her for her birthday. So no gift, like, nothing. And all she had asked for was like a $30 video game. So then the next day it kind of blew up. My husband kind of blew up on her and, you know, was asking why she didn't get her anything for her birthday at all. And she was like, well, I'm getting married soon. I don't have the money. So like everything just kind of got out in the open then.

And so we have a lot of open conversations with our daughter. And, you know, she's confided in me and a lot of stuff. So, you know, I just, I get to where, like, when she's talking to me about these things, like, you know, again, like, I don't want to say anything bad about her mom. I don't know where the line is. And she does vent to me quite a bit. So I just, I've tried to get better about just listening and not giving her any advice at all. But I feel like I just, I just don't know what to say. Man, I appreciate your heart so much. That's awesome. I really do. Because I can imagine you love this man, you love this little girl, and your instincts are to, like, I'll solve this problem. You know what I mean?

Yeah. And the restraint you're showing is just unbelievable. It's noble, and I'm grateful for you. So your instincts are right. And even when it's hard, I'll always double back on don't ever talk bad about mom. There is a difference between stating facts and talking bad about mom. So there is a, I can imagine a scenario where it would feel really good and you'd be justified to, in a few months, be like, can you believe your mom didn't even get you a present?

And have your daughter say, I know, and you did, and dad did. That would feel good. It would feel like you're winning, right? But it's not a competition. There's a difference between when your daughter says hey i want to i don't want to get my hopes up last year mom didn't get me anything and you going yeah she she didn't last year she was having some financial issues and she didn't get you anything she loves you though that's one way to handle it versus i know can you believe she just forgot you right one of those is a fact and And I'm just stating the fact. And do you and I think that's a character stint? Yeah, absolutely.

But I'm just stating the facts. That's one way to do it, right? And I think that's completely okay. If you don't do that, your kid will feel like she's crazy. Like she's having this experience with a woman who's not saying I love you and not demonstrating it. And nobody in her world will acknowledge that. That makes her feel nuts. But that's different than talking crap about her, right? Is that fair? Yeah. And another thing that, like, so she had actually, after that happened, she had invited her to one of her counseling sessions and said, like, I don't feel seen and I don't

feel heard by you. Um, you know, like we don't do anything together unless I suggest it. My daughter was saying that. So they had this plan in place to do more, you know, things together, things that don't cost any money. And, um, and then her mom just never executed. That's never going to happen. No, absolutely not. Yeah. And I tried to talk to her about like, well, you may just have to grieve, you know, like you suggest grief. Yes. That's not the mom you have. And she's just, she's not ready to give up on it.

And it just, it's like knowing your child's going to break their arm and just watching it happen. Yeah. Except it's their mom. And so they're and just watching it happen. Yeah. Except it's their mom. And so they're, they're, they're breaking their soul. Right. Yeah. And especially you want to just rattle that other adult and say, for God's sake, show up to the park.

What else are you doing? Right. Is it hard? I know that she loves her. Yeah. Well, but there does come a point when I'm going to say that your actions, your behavior is a language and your actions are telling me you do not love this kid. You love to say that you love this kid, but you are not demonstrating that.

And the devastating thing for you, I mean, I love that analogy. I've never heard it before, but I love it. You're watching a car wreck happen. And you know that your daughter is going to continue to try to solve that gap that her mom has placed between them because it's mom's job to make sure that daughter knows that she's loved and is valued even if she doesn't live in that house and mom is choosing not to do a little thing like go to a park with a kid or show up to a game or something like that right they're choosing that and that your daughter's going to continue to try to solve that and solve that and solve that.

So I do think it's fair to have conversations like, that's not your responsibility or that's not your job. She's still gonna do it anyway, because she's 14 and she's trying to figure out what about her is so unlovable that her own mom doesn't love her. But I think it's continuing to lean into that. It's not your job. It's not your job. And I also think it's real important to develop this one

really important sentence. Thank you so much for sharing that with me, followed by a big hug. Okay. That phrase gets you out of having to comment on it. If she asks for your opinion or less than your opinion, if she asks for advice, then she's inviting you into this conversation. And even my wife will sometimes ask me, are you asking for what I think you should do in this moment? And when that happens, I've been invited been invited in i'm gonna give my adult wisdom here Because I think that's an honorable thing to do. So for instance, she says Hey, I I was thinking about inviting mom to this thing, but I don't think she's going to show up What do you think I should do?

And you can then say Are you asking me if you should invite your mom to this thing? Yes, that's what I'm asking you. Tell me about the last three or four times you've invited her to something. She never shows up. She always says she's going to and she never shows up. What about this time is going to be different? Do you still want to give it a shot?

Great. I'll support you if you want to do so. But you're teaching her how to think through these things without you being like, hell no, don't call her. She doesn't get to hang out with you. She always stands. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah, it does.

And that actually happened not too long ago. I know that's so hard. So hard, isn't it? Yeah, it really is. Because I am a fixer. And I've just realized that that's not going to help her as she gets, you know, older and into as being an adult. So it's just, it's just, it's awful to, you know, watch your kids suffer like that. It's hurt. Yeah. It is, there is a place to, and I,

I may get some pushback on that and this and that's okay. I'm not, I'm not tied to this, but I do think there's a different conversation dad can have than you can have. There is some conversation that he can talk about mom a little bit. Like, hey, I know your mom stood you up last night. I'm very sorry. That shouldn't have happened. He can have that conversation because there's not that sense of competition and betrayal

that your daughter feels between you and her mom. And so when there's a sense of deep mourning and someone's got to say something, which I do think that's important. Someone's got to speak up. I know you wanted your mom to come to the game and I'm so sorry she didn't show up. I like that conversation happening from dad. Yeah. Because it doesn't look like he's trying to make a move and be like,

so I'm the good mom. It doesn't feel like that. You can hug deeply and say, I'm so sorry that you're disappointed. And that's when dad comes in and says, yeah, mom should have showed up and I'm sorry that she didn't. Okay. Right? And I know that's fine line,

but he can step up and have some of those conversations but all that to say is i know this is so hard i want you to make sure you're getting your needs met other places because the restraint you're showing is going to be exhausting right yeah and it's frustrating and you want to just go i'm doing all all this work. Why won't she recognize it? Why does she still sat over this other lady? Well, yeah. And I, when she was younger, I did go through that. Um, but really just being completely open and honest with her, like with each other, you know, um, like she has even said, like, I know I have you, but it doesn't change the fact that that's my mom. And so it's like they're not mutually exclusive.

Like, yes, I do have you, but I also want my mom. Yeah. And it's less about, it is I want my mom, but it's more about I want to know what about me is so unlovable. Yeah. And I guess, is there a way for us to help her? Or about, I want to know what about me is so unlovable. Yeah. And I guess, is there a way for us to help her? Yeah, because I just, I keep trying to tell her, like, this has nothing to do with you because she really is just such an amazing kid. Not a 14-year-old who's just wondering what about me is not lovable. And she's been diagnosed with automatic negative thoughts i don't know that's a i haven't

heard that diagnosis but it wouldn't surprise me the dsm is pretty thick um yeah there's like the body will protect itself and the one person who's supposed to show up in your life regard no matter what is mom and hers isn't and she's got dad she's got an incredible world-class step-mom, but there's that voice inside saying, yeah, but your mom doesn't love you. And so lots and lots and lots of physical touch, holding hands, lots of hugs, daily hugs, possibly having a journal that y'all share together. Like, and you may have heard me talk about this on the show, a journal between, like just between two women and she puts it on your bed

and then you write in it and put it on her bed. And it's something y'all don't talk about unless you have like a once a month, we're gonna go talk about what's in the journal, whatever. But it's a way to keep a dialogue open because she's 14 now. She's about to enter into a season where she's going to stop communicating with you and there may even become a point when

her Hurting her pain has to become somebody's fault not her mom's And it will have to become your you're about to enter into a new season is what i'm saying So starting now with some sort of communication tool I love the idea of a journal that y'all share. I write in it, you write in it. I write in it, you write in it. And she can go back and see

all of the positive reinforcement you've put in this thing. How great she is, how wonderful, how much you love her, what a great young girl she is. What an incredible woman she's growing into. All those things, you can continue to reinforce that. And when you have automatically default to negative thinking, you can spin those things out.

But when it's written down, you go back and see it again, and you see it again, and you see it again. And that's actually how you, over time, begin to shift that default setting. And so I would recommend y'all do something like that together. Lots of physical touch. Dad getting involved with a little bit more conversation. And at some point, at some some point maybe dad or you i don't know y'all's relationship but somebody has

a conversation with mom that says stop saying you're going to show up and then showing up you're breaking this girl's heart it's just too much for her it's stop breaking the girl's heart just have the courage to say i'm not coming i don't want to be a part of your life. Don't continue to dangle your relationship, your love out there like a carrot. And this 14-year-old is going to chase it and chase it. She's going to chase it the rest of her life. Thanks for loving, Ann. You're awesome. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show.

All right, we are back. Let's go to Steve in Grand Junction, Colorado. What's up, Steve? Hey, John. How's it up, Steve? Hey, John. How's it going, man? Good, brother. Hey, y'all do okay with the fires and everything? Well, we're on the other side of the state,

so we avoided it, but that was something else. That was gnarly, man. What a devastating mess that was. Yeah, we had the opposite problem. We had 10 feet of snow that same week in the mountains right here next to us, so it's pretty bizarre

that's so crazy oh my gosh alright so what's up dude how can I help man hey so um I'm a retired cop um

I did it for 7 years I say retired cause it's a lifetime of experiences and sorrow that you yeah

you know experienced in that amount of time. What do you do now? I'm self-employed now. My wife and I own three businesses because we're serial entrepreneurs and sick like that, I guess. Are y'all making any money? What's that? Are y'all making any money? We are.

Yeah. Good. Yeah. So it's, it's a good fit. Um, so we've kind of hit a point here where, um,

things are starting to calm down a little bit and I can think, and I've been able to hire some people, so I'm not having to do it all. And, um, voices are coming, huh? What's that? Are the voices coming? Well,

it's more like, um, I'm a little concerned that there's some things that maybe didn't deal with, um, as a cop. And, uh, we've got four kids together. Uh, the oldest is 13, the youngest is six. And I'm just a little worried that, I don't know, I guess I'm starting to wake up to the fact that there's some things, like I don't know what I don't know. And so that's, I guess, the reason for my call is I was hoping you could maybe give me a few pointers. I know you have a little bit of experience with this. I do, yeah.

And, yeah, so. Well, man, thanks for your bravery, man. Thanks for with this. I do. Yeah. And, um, yeah. So, well, man, thanks for your bravery, man. Thanks for your service.

Thanks for your bravery. And thanks for having the courage just to, to reach out. Yeah. I grew up in the home of a homicide detective and a SWAT guy. I grew up, I was your kid and I've also run the streets with cops for several years. And yes, I caught my, some of that stuff leaking out onto my kids too. And yes, I caught some of that stuff

leaking out onto my kids too. And so, yeah, absolutely. When you say I haven't dealt with some stuff, tell me about what you're thinking about. Well, I mean, you know, there's a lot of just, you just go from call to call and you don't really get to pause and deal with it. And you just wake up and do it again the next day.

Yeah, so I want to stop right there. So people who don't know, most people have no idea as to how many calls a police officer takes in a given night. And you go from noise complaint that maybe someone's going to shoot somebody to dealing with a,

you know, a 10, 16, like there's a domestic, somebody just beat up their girlfriend and you got to get in the middle of that and you may have to arrest somebody. You may not. And you get back in your car and then you go deal with the 10, eight, seven. There's a dead body here. Somebody had a heart attack and they're there,

but you got to make sure there's no foul play. And then you get in the car and you go to like, you just do that for the whole shift. Right foul play. And then you get in the car and you go to, like, you just do that for the whole shift, right? Yeah. And then you go home, yeah, and you get up the next day and you get back in the car and you go straight to a car wreck and then to another domestic and then to another domestic and then to, that just never stops. Never, ever, ever stops. And by the way, you should go lift too. Go work out and make sure you get your dry cleaning done.

Like, it just never quits. Yeah. Is there anything that's, and excuse this language, is there anything that's leaking out in your behavior or the way you're treating your kids or your wife that you think, man, that doesn't feel right? I think I just noticed things like, you know, I can't like, I'm having a harder time just like sitting and playing with my kids. Okay. My patience is lower. Um, you know, you get pretty used to squash and emotion. Yep.

You go see one thing and then, and for whatever reason, when I was doing it, it wasn't that bad. I, I felt like I dealt with it. I did, went to the gym. I did a lot of mixed martial arts. Um, I felt like I dealt with it. I did went to the gym. I did a lot of mixed martial arts. Um, I didn't drink. I didn't, you know, I knew, I kind of knew what some of the unhealthy behavior was and how to deal with it. But for whatever reason, now it's, it's, um, more difficult, I guess, you know, you don't have the, the support of the guys that you work with.

Yep. And, who is your, who do you go hang out with and just grab a drink with? Or who do you go hang out with? Do you have guy buddies that you go spend time with? Yeah, I've got friends. They're more like in the,

they're outside of that realm. Yep. Don't really understand it. Yep. And those guys are still living it, working the night shift. It's nine o'clock here, and I just watched a friend of mine drive down my road

getting off a night shift. Yeah, yeah. And is there a part of you that misses it? I do. I miss it. And I didn't run the beat like you did. I miss it. Yeah, I miss the adrenaline.

There you go. I love the action. So a traumatized brain. And it's important to note a couple things. Trauma is acute, and you know that, right? You show up, and you're with somebody doing CPR on them as they breathe their last breaths. That's traumatic, right? Your body has a trauma response there.

Or you're in the middle of a fist fight and you draw your weapon. And so like that is, and you're trying to protect somebody, that's trauma. There's also secondary trauma, vicarious trauma, whatever you want to call it. There's just something about rolling up on scene after scene, after scene, after scene,

that we often don't know that trauma is cumulative. It is a weight. So think of it, you may have heard me say it, think of it like you've got a backpack on and you're carrying bricks. And at some point, whether they're little pebbles or they're bricks, that weight's the same. And at some point you got to do the hard work of letting these things go. Here's what I've seen with police officers specifically over time. One is they have an adjusted bell curve, meaning there is a part of them that is always looking for what's about to happen. Because police show up in situations that nobody ever falls off, drives off that road right there, except that's your call.

And it only happens four times a year. You get called all four times. So, and your head has identified that curve as a place to die. And you may not realize it that every time you drive up, your body begins to tense up because it knows people die right there. And the rest of us would just drive right by that thing. We wouldn't know. Same with fist fights.

Same with talking trash. Same with a noise violation. The last five noise violations you showed up to ended up in somebody getting arrested because they were throwing punches or pulled out a gun or whatever. Your body's detection, and I've told this on the show, I think. I remember being a young kid, and I showed up to my house with my dad, and we had gone to baseball practice in our little suburban neighborhood. And I'd left the back door open and I'll never forget he pulled his gun out and cleared the house and I remember being a young child going that's probably a little bit much you know I'm like I remember thinking yes that's a lot that's a lot yeah I've done that before I know you have

and that's what happens yes and I still I I do a lock check two times, sometimes three times at my house. I just make the rounds over and over and over. Because I know people will walk by and they're not going to break into your house. But if the door's open, they may just come in. Right? So I know that. And also my wife's like, go to bed. We live in the woods.

Like if they're out here, they're going to kill us anyway. Haven't you seen any horror movies? It's going to happen. You know what I mean? And so here's another thing I see a lot is what I call overreacting. Is like something small happens and my body has kind of lost the ability to toggle down to an appropriate response. All my responses become big. Is that fair?

Does that happen? Yep. Okay. And then the third one is a loss of patience. I can't be still. And I can't listen for a long period of time. I just want to get on to the next thing. I want to go solve this.

Okay, cool. I can't do Legos one. If I play Baby Dolls one more time, I'm going to set all the dolls on fire. It's that it just feels like something's welling up inside of you, right? Is that fair? Yeah. So that's a, that to me is a, is at least I'm not going to diagnose anything. That to me is a breadcrumb trail towards a brain that is on fire. That's just still running and running and running. And the cool thing is, is what you have to do is, the cool thing is you can learn to A, feel safe in your body. B, live a life where your body is not pumping adrenaline and cortisol through it 24-7, 365.

And you have to understand that's a drug that you're addicted to. I am too. I love it. It feels good. And if I don't have it naturally, if I don't have it in my job, if I'm not running the streets with cops and doing this, I will create it in other places. I will procrastinate up until the last possible minute and then get it all done because then I get that rush or I will kind of respond to it a little bit more and then I get that rush or you know what I mean? I'll create it in stupid places that have no, my wife's like, what are you doing? That's not even a, like, this isn't even a thing, right? So it's understanding, Hey, I'm going to go talk to somebody. Have you ever done that? Uh, I don't,

it's, I don't, you know, I don't talk to a lot of people about it because I don't think most people understand. And if you say something a little off color or are really too honest about something, I've noticed it shocks people. It does. It does. So I really haven't because I guess maybe I've been a little lazy on it.

I just, I don't know who that would be. I mean, I've gone to a therapist a couple of different times. Why'd you go? What's times. Why'd you go? What's that? Why'd you go? First couple times were just like marriage maintenance. Good for you.

We got into a shooting, and they made us talk to a dude after that, and that was totally useless. Yeah. The last thing I'm going to do is talk to that guy. Of course. They're like psychologically evaluating you to see if you're going to go off the rails.

Right. This is an honest thing. Not really. Well, and you're not going to say something that's going to get you taken off the beat and so everybody smiles and says, I'm doing great. It's all good.'re not going to say something that's going to get you taken off the beat. And so everybody smiles and says, I'm doing great.

It's all good. I'm sleeping well. My wife's great. Love my kids. Merry Christmas. You can statue of Liberty. And then they send you out. Yeah.

You can tell it's just a checkbox for them. That's right. Um, I have, I do have a guy in my life that was, uh, uh, incredible,

but they had the, the police department had worked out a system to where he was off, out of the system. And so people could be honest with him. And it was, it was, it was pretty remarkable. So here's, here's a couple of things I want you to start doing. I want you to get, just go to the store, dude, buy a cheap old one, or you can buy a nice one. I just finally spent the money, bought a nice one for myself this year. Cause I'm gonna do some hard work this year. I'm doing the same thing you're doing, except your experience is going to be way more challenging because I didn't run the beat for seven straight years. Okay. So I'm not trying to compare my experience

to you. I know that I've got to deal with some stuff that I saw. I got to deal with some stuff that I was a part of. I got to deal with that. And so what I'm going to start doing is writing those stories down. I actually have got a story journal. I put it right by my bed. I know the phrase story journal makes most people roll their eyes, especially cops. Are you freaking kidding me? A story journal?

Are we like in middle school again? Yes, and here's all I'm doing. A couple of nights ago, I wrote in this thing, you are not a bad father, and for some reason, that popped into my head is my brain looking for negative things. You could have responded to that differently. You didn't do it bad. Let's do it better next time. That's me just writing these things down. And what I'm doing is I'm teaching my body that we are not going to carry this stuff. I'm going to set it down. That

when you hear me say, set the bricks down, that's the, that's the beginning stages there. Okay. And then there's going to carry this stuff. I'm going to set it down. When you hear me say set the bricks down, that's the beginning stages there. Okay. And then there's going to be some- And I've heard you say that before, and what do you do with this journal? Like, do you read it again? Do you light it on fire? Well, yeah, occasionally I'll go back through it.

And it's cool to see the journey. And it's cool to see, oh gosh, I'm still hanging on to this story. Still. I gotta go talk to somebody and say, I keep thinking that I'm a terrible dad. Or some of it's, I tell my wife, dude, this has popped up five times in a row.

Like, do you like me? And she'll just say, yes, I do like you, John. And then I could say, okay, I'll write it down. I asked my wife, She said she likes me. There's something kinetic about the writing experience and about getting it outside of your body. So think less about the utility of it. That's a very police officer response.

What are we going to do with it now? Think more about it. I'm just going to do it. I'm just going to get this thing done. And I'm going to be as gentle as I can with the story because I know there's all kinds of listeners here. I had an experience with a police officer. We had to clean up a scene before a mom got home to see something that no mother should ever, ever see. And we were, by the time that situation was over, I was laughing so hard,

I couldn't, I almost threw up. Somebody had turned into one thing to another to another. And I remember thinking, if somebody's videoing this, I'm going to get institutionalized. And I talked to somebody about it and they said, no, that kind of dark humor, like your brain goes to places to protect you. And so there's also a camaraderie you miss. And that's what I don't like about whenever they post some police transcripts. Some police officers are garbage, you know that. And there's some bad dudes out there that are idiots or morons, and there's a number of them. But also you can take things way out of context and not understand what people

were doing at that time, right? And you will have to process that because there was a season when I thought I was a terrible human. And then now I don't at all. I know that's part of it, right? I even talked to my dad about it who did homicide for 20 years. And he's like, no, man, you got to protect yourself.

And laughter is a great way to protect your brain, protect your heart, protect your soul. And if people see you doing that, they're gonna think you're an evil, awful. You're gonna have to process all of those things, right? The jokes, the things you saw,

the scenes you had to clean up, the moms you had to hug, all of those things over time make their way out. And not every single story, but over time those things come and they come and they come. But it's about you remembering them, writing them down. And here's what you're doing with your brain. You are letting your brain know,

at one time we were in a situation, we weren't safe, we're safe now. And your brain will go, huh, okay. And it will slowly start to go, huh, relax, relax. The second thing you have to, have to, have to do is have somebody to talk to. Whether that's a counselor, whether that's a group of guys that you meet with, whether that's a group of people who are still cops and you meet with them and you be the guy that say, all right, how's everybody's marriage doing? How's everybody taking care of themselves? What's the hardest thing y'all saw this week? What's the most annoying? And you be the guy that leads that group of guys into talking because you can, because you're not in the system anymore. That would be a gift to you. That would be a gift to them. And it will be a gift to your entire community to have a group of police officers who are

well, and I know I'm, I'm talking about unicorns and rainbows right now, but dude, if you set that up, it could be powerful. Cause I've seen it. I've been a part of a police department where they had that kind of discussion and it was incredible. It was magic, man. It was really great. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. But you're going to have to get connected and you're going to have to start writing stuff down. And then once you get down that road, once you get connected, then you get into all kind of the body work. And I mean, you can see the Navy SEALs guys who are doing meditation and yoga and the guys who start running. I mean, there's all kinds of ways to process this trauma, cold tubs, all kinds of ways to process the trauma, but it starts with connection and it starts with writing stuff down, seeing where I'm at. It's deciding I'm going to go play for 30 minutes with my kid. I'm going to do 30 minutes. I can do 30 minutes and I'm going to be all in. I'm going

to put my phone away. I'm going to have a watch and I'm going to set it and I'm going to be lasered in on these little dolls that we're playing with. Or I'm going to go kick a soccer ball for 30 minutes with my kid. I'm going to do it no matter what. If I get bored, I'm going to lean into the boredom. If I get frustrated, I'm going to lean into the frustration. When I get frustrated, I'm gonna lean into the frustration. When I get frustrated, I will have a signal that I will predetermine with my wife and we will say, I'm frustrated. I need to take a walk and then I'll be back. And she's gonna know, I'm gonna know

and then I'm gonna come back and I'm not gonna yell. I'm not gonna get angry. I'm going to be calm. I'm gonna be, that's practicing. Leaning into a life that's not full of adrenaline and cortisol all the time. It's practice, it's practice. But I think every police officer

should have a good trauma counselor that they talk to. They just say, hey, I saw some stuff. Some people are affected in different ways and other ways. It's short-term, long-term, all that stuff. Everybody does trauma differently. But I want you to know you're not alone. I'm proud of you. God, I'm proud of you, man. I wish every police officer would take the inventory on their lives that you're

taking on yours. I'm grateful for you, my brother, for your time and your service and for your care about your family. So good. Gentlemen, talk about it to other people. Write it down. Talk about it. Write it down. Be right back with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make

to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Let's take one more. Let's go to Chrissy in Alabama. Oh, it's sad in Alabama today.

How are you, Chrissy? I'm doing well. How are you? Good. Have you'm doing well. How are you? Good. Have you all recovered? Is this a sports reference? Oh, you're the best. You're the best.

It's literally a national day of mourning in Alabama. Last night when we were recording this was the Alabama-Georgia game, which Georgia demolished Alabama. And I love that you don't even know what I'm talking about. Christy. I mean, Christy. You're the best. The best.

So good. Is this a sports reference? Oh, you're awesome. All right. So what's up? All right. Okay. So my son, who's about to be eight, was just diagnosed with a condition called PANDAS,

which stands for pediatric autoimmune neuropsychiatric disorder from stress. Yeah. Tell me about that. Um, it's horrible. Yeah. What's, is he have, is he have OCD or tics or like what's popped up? He's got OCD and tics. Um, it went from, he was sick with strep in November. And it almost felt like overnight after he finished like his, you know, five days of antibiotics, he became my like sweet, gentle, outdoor loving, great imagination little boy turned into this OCD, raging, almost manic, defiant. I mean, it was like looking at a stranger.

What a terrifying thing for your mom, as a mom. Yes, terrifying. thing for your mom as a mom. Yes. Terrifying. And he, I mean, he would go into these fits for hours, like just nonstop rage for hours. And we, my, you know, my husband and I, and we have a four-year-old and we were all just like, what is happening? So what, what, how'd y'all go through the process to get that diagnostic? Cause I know it's a, it's a rare thing, but sometimes people have to go through multiple people to get diagnosed there. Yes. We were actually extremely lucky because the principal from my kid's school, because he was struggling at school and everybody was like, he just seems so different. What's going on? And I said, you know, he hasn't really been himself

since he had stress. And the principal said, have you ever heard of pandas? And I didn't. What a great principal. Wow. Awesome. So amazing. And then she, and so I went into like crazy research mode. And then we ended up finding out that there was a pediatrician in the town just down the way from us whose son had it, and he knows about it. He knows how to treat it. And he's actually opened up his own practice just dealing with more complex cases because the appointments need to be longer than the 10 minute pediatrician

appointment to work through it. And so we were super lucky because we've been able to start treatment where I have now joined some Facebook groups of like, for this. And there are some people who, you know, for years, they didn't have an official diagnosis. And then it's like a low dose steroids and antibiotics, right? Yep. Yes. So we're on the steroids and the antibiotics. We're on our second month of antibiotics

and our first month of steroids. And we're day four into the steroids and we've, it's already, like we're seeing chunks of our child come back to us. So awesome. It's so good, man. That makes my heart feel good. I've heard, and again, I've got no direct experience with this at all.

But I've heard that you can, it's like a light switch on and then, I mean off, and then it comes back on. That with the right load of steroids and antibiotics and whatever. Obviously, you have to be working with a doctor to get into this kind of stuff. But that it can be magic, dark magic into this thing and incredible magic on the way out of this thing. Yeah. And then just doing a lot of lifestyle changes of just continuing to like vitamin D. A lot of these kids are real vitamin D low and just so. I think every kid's vitamin D low these days.

Yeah, unfortunately, yeah. One, high five to you. I'm glad y'all figured this out. Big time shout out to your principal who's just calling it out, having a doctor in your community that's so great, and you acted on it quick. How can I help? Well, I've heard you.

I listen to your show all the time. And I hear you talk about, like, rebuilding. Nobody does. That's so good. Yeah. I know. I'm one of the 17. Yes.

But, like, your analogy with, like, the 9-11, like, rebuilding after. Because he's coming back, but like so much of our life is just like everything has changed. Yes. And, you know, we have to be extremely, he's very immune compromised until we can get him really healthy and well and his gut healthy and the inflammation from his brain down. So we've ended up pulling him from school because he just, he can't risk getting COVID or flu or even just strep or cold,

like anything will set him back because his body is so fragile right now. Can I just ask you one quick question? You just mentioned gut health and is that in response to the antibiotics? No. So they're finding the connection between like the gut mind, the gut brain connection. I just need you to know that as, that makes my heart feel so good. You are on the right path. The fact that you know, even know about that

puts you so in rare air and makes my heart feel good. The antibiotics will wreak havoc on the gut biome and having a doctor who's working with you on making sure that that stays healthy. Oh my gosh, your kid's going to be great. Chrissy's going to be golly what a that's a it's such a beautiful story okay I interrupted you but yeah so he's immunocompromised

right he's got a lot going on his brain his yeah for those of you listening we could we could get off into the rails on this thing

but my understanding which is limited is that strep is such an ancient virus it is it's great at mimicking it's great at hiding

in the body and that it mimics other healthy cells. And at some point in rare cases, your body will turn on thinking that, oh, there it is. It's hiding. And then it mows down a whole bunch of good stuff. And then all of a sudden your brain gets super over inflamed and it just changes your personality, your response. It just goes haywire. Is that, is that right? Yeah. Okay. Yes. Yeah, exactly. Okay. Um, and so now, and then, you know, we have the added, uh, I don't know what you would call it, but he's losing teeth now. Um, and every time that he, a tooth starts to wiggle that germs in his body and then his body again, attacks that causing more inflammation. So now every time, so he literally

had strep and then like a week later he lost a tooth and then like a week later he lost a tooth. So he gets these, what they call flares. So all of a sudden we'll be like, like, we think we're doing really well. And then all of a sudden he's like raging again. And we're like, what in the world? And then we like, I'm like, open your mouth. Let me see. And I'm like,

Oh, legally too. It's just going, you know, it's just germs right up into the blood brain barrier. So, um, but yeah,

it's basically, so he, you know, so the, you know, we've had to pull him from school. Um, we actually just pulled his pull him from school. We actually just pulled his little brother from school because if he's at school with Jeremy kids, then we just need to do that.

And we're selling our house and moving. We've got a lot going on. Is the doctor recommending this, that you pull the kids out? Yeah. Well, they were saying that so much of it, some of the symptoms, which is so strange, is like school refusal. Like just the, there's so much going on at school and their brains just are so inflamed that they can't even handle like the stimulation from school.

Yeah. Okay. A lot of, they can develop like sensory issues and stuff and kicks from that. Yep. Yep. Yep. All right. So I'm going to give you good stuff and then the hard stuff.

You ready? Okay. I'm ready. I'm ready. So if this is the first major trauma with your kids, I'm assuming it is, is that fair? Yes. Okay. You're looking to this idea that our family is now different is incredible.

Chrissy, I don't know where you come from there in Alabama, but you are so far ahead of the curve. You're an inspiring woman. It's awesome. Your kids are so lucky to have you. Understanding, okay, we're all different now because we stared over the edge of the cliff, and we realized, oh, gosh, our kid could just get a little bit of sickness and then just be gone. And that most parents don't ever experience that until it happens. It's terrifying.

Everything's different now. And then that turns into, well, what about this? What about this? And that's where you gotta be really careful. And here's where I want to challenge you to not keep picking up the flagpole and moving it inch by inch.

I want you to pick it up and go excavate the whole site, right? Who we were is over. We're new now. We're going to build something new, but we're going to plant the flag way over there and say, this is who we're going to be. Here's what I'm talking about.

It can be your determination to make sure your kid's okay can quickly turn into him being terrified of his own body. Yep. Because mom is always saying, what about this? What about this? And oh my gosh, what about that? We got to pull you out of this.

We got to take care of that. And if that's what the doctor's calling for, great. My one, I love Facebook groups because they allow people who have strange things like that most Most neighbors, nobody in your circle has kids with this, right? So you get instant community and also you get all of the one in a trillion things and it turns you into a paranoid maniac, right? Are you there yet? Um, no, I'm, I am self-aware enough to know, like, uh, so I've started to, like, I've started to eat, like, when it first started happening,

like, in December, we were just kind of, like, what is happening, and I did a lot, you know, I did my research, and now I'm starting to step back more and being like, I have the plan, you know? And so I've started to like, you know, I'm reading books before bed instead of like, I'm implementing good boundaries of things and just being like- Turn it off. Turn it off. And every case is different. So if I'm reading that this one person had a 13 year struggle with this, that's not going

to help me right now. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Chrissy, you continue to amaze me. now. Yeah, yes, yes, Chrissy. You continue to amaze me. Yes, turn it all off. You've got the info you need.

You've got a great doctor. Let's be done with inputting new information. There's not going to be an article on Google you stumble onto and you go, oh, I'll try this. It's just going to be another Facebook person being like, oh yeah, well, I found it in the vacuum. And you're going to be like, oh, okay, let's burn in the vacuum and you're going to be like, oh okay, let's burn the vacuum. It's never going to stop, right?

It's 5G. It's because of the, oh my gosh, whatever it is. Absolutely take it off. So you're there. A key to when you decide we're going to excavate and build something new, the key number one is having

somebody to do it with you. Is your husband in with you? Good guy? Yes. Oh, yeah. Okay. Well, he won the lottery marrying you and hopefully it's reciprocal.

Hopefully you won the lottery marrying him. Y'all decide we're going to take care of our marriage and our bodies. You have to do that. When a kid gets sick, the first thing that goes out the window is intimacy. The second thing that goes out the window is treating each other with kindness.

The third thing that goes out is our budget. The fourth thing, just these stable, intentional ways of doing life go out the door because everything's on fire. Yep. And now you said it, and so I'm going to use your own words. It's not on fire anymore.

Now you can just read books before bed. Mm-hmm. You know, here I'm going. Now you can start redoing life again. And you're going to feel guilty for doing life. That's going to be the key here. And then deciding what do we want this thing to look like? So we got a kid who's got a rare thing.

We're going to keep trusting the doctors on this and we're going to keep doing the right things there. And we're going to watch a movie because movies are fun. And we are going to, Oh, we can't play basketball anymore. Cool. We're going to get a foosball table.

We're going to have it delivered to the house. We're gonna play foosball. Cause that's going to be fun. We're going to, we're going to find joy in whatever context, whatever ecosystem makes sense for joy for us, but we're not going to live a joy-free life. Yeah. And we're going to grieve the absolute hell out of this thing because it sucks. Yeah. Right. Have you done that yet? Have you had a moment where you're just by yourself and you, or with a girlfriend and you just broke the crap down?

Yeah. Good. I was super lucky that my mom was able to fly. We're military, so we're down here without family and stuff. And my mom, when it was first happening, I was like, something is happening, mom. I'm like, you need to come down here. Um, and we, her and I were able to kind of get away and just, um, I don't know. I just cried. She's just, I was able to just vent and cry and be mad and just like scream. My husband and I even thought maybe we could

invest in a, um, like a punching bag we can maybe have in the garage? So I would invest, that's fine. I have one in my garage. I would invest in a journal and I know that's so lame. I would write this stuff down so that you have the story to tell your son in five years and 10 years and 20 years. And that you're going to tell his future spouse someday, you're going to write this down and you're going to tell the story. And make sure that going to write this down, and you're going to tell the story. And make sure that all the feelings, all of the ups and the downs, today was a great day, today was an awful day, I cried all day, I'm so sorry that you're going through this, I hate you're not in school.

I want him to see that stuff, and I want that crap out of your body, onto the paper. Yeah. You know what I mean? And we've been talking, I mean, he can tell when he, like he has said, like, something is wrong with me. There's something in my brain. Like, he's aware that these changes are happening. When he goes into the rages, he doesn't remember them, which I guess is a blessing because of some of the horrific things he has said.

Yeah, yeah. When it first happened. I mean, we remember. Well, and again, you're going to have to work really hard. And when I say work really hard, you're going to have to be honest with your husband. He's going to be honest with you. You're going to have to write stuff down and get a counselor if you need one. But you're going to have to

know he was eight and he's having a brain disorder right now. And so when he says, I hate you or you fill in the blank, that's not personal, even though, God, it feels personal. It's like it's like poltergeist right yeah and my uh father uh was bipolar and admitted well he died from suicide yep um when i was 18 and we are i'm seeing that a lot of this is triggering yes um yes i will have

to go back to EMDR therapy eventually. Well, so your body's got a trauma response, but here's the thing. Yeah. That even makes more sense. But I know it's different. But I know it's different. It's different, but our bodies, they'll say, oh, we remember when we were out of control. We remember the terror.

We remember the fear. We've got a system for us to run the program. And you've also done a lot of work to heal from your dad's passing. And those same skills will come into play here as you practice a new life. But yeah, if you've been down that road before and you know yourself, think, yeah, go call a trauma counselor. Do it today. Call somebody and just say, I need to just go vomit up here. I've been through trauma before. I've been through it hard. I thought I was going to, I lost my dad. I thought I was about to lose my son. Or I thought he's going to be with us and be gone. And I would have lost him in spirit, but not in body. All that is so terrifying. So terrifying. Yes. Go talk to somebody. And if you need to get a punching bag, get a punching

bag, but also get a journal and write these things down. Keep these things as a story. Be super honest and open. Get a group, get people too that you can have in your life just to go and get off the internets. I'm so proud of you. God, I'm so proud of you. You're amazing, Chrissy. You're amazing. Man. In fact, you're a gutome missing. You decided to self get off of the internet. So great. Find ways to go on a date with your husband. Go on a date. Get a babysitter and go on a date. Figure out how to do that.

Or it may be that put a video on for the kids in one room and y'all go close the door and y'all have a date. Like make sure y'all are staying plugged in with each other. That calms your brain down. Let your brain know. I wasn't safe, but now I am. Now I'm okay. So proud of you. Give me a call. Let me know how he's doing. I really want to know because I'm going to guess he's going to be up and running around in the next month or two. And I want to hear that story and we'll tell everybody who's listening. Thank you so, so much for your call, Chrissy. As we wrap up today's show, Robert Smith and the Boys.

This one's picked by James. Great song. It's one of the greatest songs of all time. It's by The Cure. The song's called Pictures of You and it goes like this. I've been looking so, I love this song, man.

I've been looking so long at these pictures of you that I almost believe they're real. I've been living so long with my pictures of you that I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel Remembering you standing quiet in the rain as I ran to your heart to be near and we kissed as the sky fell In holding you close how I always held you close in your fear remembering you running soft through the night You were bigger and brighter and whiter than snow

And screamed at the make-believe Screamed at the sky and you finally found all your courage to let it all go. God, I love talking to courageous people like Chrissy right here on the Dr. John Delaney Show.