The Dr. John Delony Show - I’m a Stay at Home Mom and I Feel So Alone

Episode Date: November 25, 2022

On this episode, we hear from: - A stay-at-home mom struggling with feeling lonely and isolated - Mind Pump’s Sal Di Stefano on how to create consistency in your exercise routine - A father who doesn’t understand why he should pay child support when he and his ex-wife share custody Lyrics of the Day: "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)" - Journey Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Divorce is finalized. I have 50-50. I am owing her still child support. I still have to pay for child care on my side. She could work, but she's not. Because you entered into a legal arrangement, the dissolution of that legal arrangement put the here's what's going to happen in the hands of a government official. Yo, yo, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Maloney Show, and we are partying today. That's not true at all. Actually, we're not partying even a little bit, but we are taking your calls about the things that are going on in your life on the greatest mental health and marriage and parenting, whatever podcast, exercise, nutrition, whatever's going on in your life on the greatest mental health and marriage and parenting,

whatever podcast, exercise, nutrition, whatever's going on in your world, we got you. Right here on the show. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz. 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. And huge, dude, you guys are showing up with the five-star reviews.

The guy here named Eric, he's an incredible guy. He manages all the podcast stuff, whatever that means. And he came down and was like, what have y'all done, man? We just got this influx of reviews. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Keep hitting the subscribe button. It's a huge help to your neighbors because it helps kick this show up so they can get it too. And if there's an episode that you think, you know what? My mother-in-law needs to hear this. Send it. Send it for sure. That will cheer me up and it will destroy your Thanksgiving.

So way to go. All right. Let's go to Caitlin in Pittsburgh. What's up, Caitlin? Hey, John. What's up? Yeah, I just have a question for Caitlin? Hey, John. What's happening? Yeah, I just have a question for you.

Well, cool. Bring it on. I'm just trying to get through the cold right now. It's trying to get through the cold? I'm trying to get through this cold without my body taking off on me. Oh, I got you. I got you. Okay. All right. Hey, do me a favor, okay? Take as deep a breath as you possibly can you. Okay. All right. Hey, do me a favor. Okay. Um, take the deep, as deep a breath as you possibly can and hold it. All right. Okay. Do it real quick. Take it real

deep. Hold it. One, two, three, blow it out as hard as you can. Okay. And then your shoulders are up as tight as they can be around your ears drop them pull your hands down as far as you came to the floor okay okay cool now we're in it so what's up thank you so beginning of this year i started to pursue healing on my own childhood childhood trauma i'm actually reading this because i knew i had to read it. You got it. Hey, read it. Read away. That's cool. With that, I've experienced depression and time where I emotionally, you know, pretty much checked out. The area where I really struggle with is in motherhood. Okay.

And I full-time say, hey, mom, I fear I put trauma on them. I take all their behavioral issues or when I feel they're hurting as my fault, like emotionally hurting or when I see they're emotionally struggling. And I find myself sometimes not intervening their squabbles or fights because I feel like I don't know what to do or I'm just too exhausted to follow through. I just want to find my joy in motherhood again. Okay. When did you feel it leave? Probably after the second to youngest. How many do you have?

Four. How old are you? What's the oldest? Eight. Eight, seven, six, and one. Good. Box of bananas. That was me trying not to swear. I don't know where that...

Caitlin, that's a whole, whole lot. Yeah. Tell me about this latest one. Was the latest one planned or was it a, hey, look what we have here?

Yes. Yes, he was. Yes. Which one? The latest. They were all planned. I mean, they were have here? Yes. Yes, he was. Yes. Which one? The latest. They were all, I mean, they were all planned, yes. Okay. All right.

So when did, what happened that you suddenly felt the joy of motherhood just leaving you? I guess I'm not sure. I know after the second teen youngest, I did suffer some postpartum depression as well as with our youngest. But, um, yeah. Are you married? Yes. Tell me about that. Um, he's a great guy.

I mean, yeah, I love him. He's, he's a very, very awesome dad to the kids. Okay. Tell me about your marriage it's i mean i that's good i mean i we definitely could improve on connection on connecting with each other better or um um what's the word to use like um i can't think of the word right now here's here's what happens often in the situation you're describing is one person is is either struggling or down regulated a little bit or just feeling a little bit heavy and another the other partner steps in and helps and is really wonderful. And it's both life-giving and it's a

teeny tiny bit shameful. Like I, it's like, I should be doing that. Or how can he or she do that? And I just can't do it. And that call causes us to pull back a little bit more. And then that person fills in the gap a little bit more. And suddenly've created a dance that's that's it's hard we end up co-managing our household but we're not we're great business partners but we're not married see what i'm saying and i'm not saying that's happening that's what i'm trying to get at has your body found yourself surrounded by a whole bunch of people and you are completely alone that's what i'm getting at yes Mm-hmm. Yes. Yeah. Is that right?

Okay. Tell me about this childhood trauma you experienced. Um, it was sexual abuse. Okay. How old were you? Um, over a period of years. When did it start? Around the age of six or so.

Okay. Um, yeah. around the age of six or so okay um who is who is who is the evil person in your life my dad okay I'm sorry I know you know this but that shouldn't happen

I'm sorry yeah yeah just this morning as I was writing out your question, it came to me about, could it be that I have fear that I'm going to be hurting my kids as well? And I, you know, I don't know, but that's something that came to my mind this morning as I was writing the question out. I think any of those things that pop into your mind are worth asking. Without meeting you, this is total conjecture, okay? My guess is, or if I just met you, we just had the conversation we've had

and I was to place a bet, my bet would be that your body has recognized there's an eight and a seven and a six-year-old in your home. And it recognizes that story. And it'll be damned if it happens again. And it becomes hypervigilant all the time in protection of those three little kids. And you put that level of, I say sympathetic arousal, but you put that level of a brain that is on high alert, high, high, high alert.

And then you dump a one-year-old into that. And then you dump, right? And you see what I'm saying? So all of a sudden your body is vacillating between it's at war and then it's got to shut the system down or it's going to crash. And it's just this constant toggle. And it's hard war and then it's got to shut the system down or it's going to crash. And it's just

this constant toggle. And it's hard to be in relationship with that kind of person struggling that way. And it's hard to be in relationship when you are struggling that way. And then you find yourself more and more isolated, yet more and more busy and more and more lonely, surrounded by more and more people. And you feel like you're going insane. Am I right or wrong? Tell me where I'm right and tell me where I'm wrong. No. Yeah. That's about how it would be. Yeah. Okay. So the magic is not the magic. It's not magic at all. The gnarly, gritty healing work is letting your body feel there's a six-year-old in the house. There's a seven-year-old. There's an eight-year-old in the house.

And they're safe because they have me as their mom. And my dad was the worst of the worst of the worst, but their dad is not. My dad was evil. Their dad is not. My dad was evil. Their dad's safe. And we're going to practice feeling our bodies when it starts to take off on us

and then we're going to practice retaking control of the thoughts that we have. And then we're going to do the really hard work which is write dad a letter that you're never going to send him and let him know how he hurt you and how that's ricocheted through your life.

You'll write another letter to him, let him know what he's missed. Then you're going to write him another letter that says, hey, by the way, this stopped here. Because I've got four beautiful, incredible kids, and I'm a damn good mom. And just to put a cherry on top, I'm a great wife too. I'm a good friend. See what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. And then you've got to do the hard, hard, hard which is you got to take care of yourself You got to be around people and you got to laugh

And you have to exercise and you got to sleep and you got to eat right? And you have to give yourself some grace because you have a freaking one-year-old in your in your house Right, which is like just pulling a grenade every morning just rolling it into the living room and saying yeah Let's see what explodes today How does that all sound sound like bullcrap or does it sound right what tell me what you're telling what you're feeling i don't know i mean yeah it all sounds good i mean i've been you know working through this journey for the past you know beginning of the year when I started and um yeah um I'm gonna give you a really awful analogy but it's the most recent one in my life is that okay yeah okay um I was on a trip um this past

weekend with my son and some men that I trust and love and their boys and we went on this Texas hunting trip and it's every bit. If when you hear the words, Texas hunting trip, it was all of it. Okay. And the very first night, the boy, the old men, we were sitting on the, on a rocking chair out on the front porch of this metal building in the middle of nowhere, no running water or anything. And the boys are running around with flashlights being silly. And one of the boys trips on the fire pit and just blasts his shin on it. It explodes. Okay. Whenever we saw him in the light, we took him inside, looked in the light.

And the moment I saw it, he's like, he's got to go to the hospital right now. And it was a gnarly, gnarly cut. And his dad, I stayed with the boys. His dad took him to the emergency room with another friend of ours. And in the ER, they took that cut and they gave him some medicines that he couldn't feel the pain. But then they had to take out the sandpapery scrub brush and clean the wound. And my buddy said he had to sit down because he started getting woozy because it was an already it up and then do the top layer of stitches and within 24 hours that little boy was running around again when you're healing from trauma the initial part of the journey is very empowering i write these letters i feel good like i feel like i'm taking control. I weep heavily. I call family. I call friends.

I have these moment. And then we recognize how deep that wound is and how much it's affected other things. And then starts the grinding process. The real painful part, the part where we wish it hadn't happened. And I can't believe you did this. And then I've made decisions in my life out of pain, out of hiding, out of fear. And I've hurt people and people have hurt me. And you've got to get through that grinding sandpaper process so that the healing can happen in a clean way on the back

end. And that feels like where you are. And then you threw a one-year-old baby in the middle of it all, right? Which is just hard. And then you've got a six and seven, one-year-old baby in the middle of it all right which is just hard and then you've got a six and seven eight-year-old that's reminding your body what you've been through before and so that means this is front and center here this isn't like you had sexual child childhood sexual abuse and you're single and you're 25 and you're spending time with a therapist and spending time in a group you spend time with your friends you are single, and you're 25, and you're spending time with a therapist, and spending time in a group, and you're spending time with your friends, you are living this out. You are changing the oil on your car while you're driving. It's a very complex task that you've undertaken, and it's right. It's good. It's just going to be hard, and when it's hard, and when it's messy,

and when you don't feel full, like you're at the very tip top, your tank's not full, that's okay. The person who should have taught you that you're okay took everything from you when you were a kid. Right? Yeah. And so now you've got to do the hard work of relearning. Wait a minute, man, I do have value. I am worthy of being loved. I am a good mom. You're not going to re-traumatize your kids, hon. You're just not. Unless you abuse them, which you're not going to do. Letting an eight and a six and a seven-year-old squabble and figure stuff out. That's great. It's great. I over get involved in my kids. And every time I do it, I think, gosh, I just need to let them work this out So you're doing great I'd love to see you and your husband. Um

Take a marriage retreat together just you two get away for a weekend and recalibrate Because now you got four humans that you're responsible for in addition to yourself So your needs have shifted your needs have changed your life has changed your sleep is goofed up your exercise is all good. Everything's goofed up And so it's not about trying to get back to what was is trying to create something new and at the same time you're becoming A different person you're healing you're standing you're going to stand six inches taller when this thing's over Keep working with your counselor Keep hanging in there. I'm going to send you all the questions for humans cards for kids. And I'm going to send you the questions for humans cards for couples. Here's what often

happens when someone's working through a trauma journey and they're in a long-term relationship, they're married with somebody, right? Or they already have kids. The idea of human engagement is what hurt you in the first place. The closest relationship, your dad, that's the violation. And it becomes this awful thing where that's the thing that's going to keep you well is relationships with other people. That's where your body's going to settle in

so you can do these other things like eat right, exercise, sleep, and all that. You got to have that foundation of being connected. And that's what hurt you in the first place. And so it's hard to start practicing being in relationship again. That's what these cards are for. Deck cards and their magic, man. So I'm going to send you everything I got with those. You can do this with your kids. You can do this with your husband. Y'all can get away for a minute. Stay on the journey. Stay on the path. You are doing a great job. Your kids are lucky to have you as their mother.

And all of us are benefiting from your bravery. Thank you for telling your story. We'll be right back. All right, we're back. So a few, I guess it's a month ago now, by the time this episode's out, I launched an episode with my friend Sal DiStefano from San Jose, California. He's part of the Mind Pump group. One of my most important interviews I've ever done because I left that interview and I know you all have benefited from it. I've heard the feedback. It's just been phenomenal. But selfishly, I changed how I do my life on the back end of that interview. I said some things out loud to somebody else that I've never said before. I've never talked about my struggles with disordered eating. I've never talked about... I've worked out for 30 years

and I still have always thought I'm screwing this thing up. It turns out I was. I implemented some things right when I got home that have had drastic changes in my life. And one of the most common questions I get from you all is, cool, Deloney, you have an hour every morning to do this long workout and you get all your stuff in. I don't have that time. I've got three little kids. I'm an over-the-road trucker. I'm a surgeon. I just don't have an hour, whatever it is. And so I reached out to Sal and the gang and said, hey, you guys have something that I can just tell everybody about.

And one of the guys, Adam, one of the Mind Pump guys said, hang on, just hang on. And then all of a sudden, dude, they launched Maps 15, which I'm super jazzed about and I've actually been working on it. And so listen, this is important. This is not a advertisement. They didn't pay me. I called them. Okay. There's no hookup here. This is simply me telling you guys that doing the Mind Pump Maps program helped me. It's helped me become a better dad, helped me become a better husband. It's helped me become

a better employee here, helped me become a better citizen. Helped me become a better husband. It's helped me become a better employee here. Helped me become a better citizen. And I'm an advocate of their work. There is no money being exchanged here. I'm not making a cent off of this conversation. What I do, what I'm committed to is getting you all things that are going to help you have better lives. And so I called Sal and said,

hey, would you be on the show? Talk about this new program. Tell everybody all about it because he's smarter than me, way smarter than me with this stuff. And I wanted to give you guys a ringside seat to this new thing that just hit the marketplace. Sal, you there? I'm here, John. What's up, homie? How we doing?

I'm doing good, man. Thanks for having me on. I appreciate the kind words. You got it. Do I sound bigger and stronger? You sound great as usual. Yes, yes. I'm hoping you can hear my musculature.

How are things? I heard y'all had an earthquake. Y'all are all good? We did. We had actually in the middle of a podcast, we had a guest come in from out of state. So it was his first time experiencing an earthquake. Scared him a little bit. Did y'all, I can just imagine the mind pump, dude, y'all just all held hands and flexed real hard and the earth just stood still.

Is that how that happened? No. You just shut it down? No, we all freaked out. That's what happened. Awesome. Okay. So since we've last been in touch, since we last were together in California, I have to tell you, man, the MAPS Anabolic has been transformative for me.

It's been nothing short of magic, and I've worked out my whole life. It's very special, and I can tell the thoughtful and scientific way y'all put this thing together. This isn't just a cobbled together email. And then y'all have got a new thing out that's going to help the really busy single moms and the cops who don't have much time. It's going to help what I consider regular human beings. Talk about what you just put out and talk about the benefits and everything about it. Yeah, absolutely. So the biggest challenge by far when it comes to fitness and exercise for most people, okay, so now I'm talking to the average person, is really about consistency consistency and consistency is the biggest challenge. Lots of people get started with workouts,

but it's very hard to do it on a consistent month after month, year after year basis. And one thing that we figured out as trainers, you know, we trained everyday regular people for over two decades was that people were actually more consistent if you gave them short workouts to do every day versus longer workouts to do less frequently. So for example, instead of doing two, let's say one hour workouts a week, um, 15 minutes every single day, people just found it easier to be consistent, easier to find the time. It's, uh, you get the ball rolling. You practice this good relationship with exercise

on a regular basis. You develop this better relationship faster as a result of that. You don't beat yourself up in the workout, um, which that tends to be a more challenging relationship to build is like the pain that you feel from working out. Well, 15 minutes, you tend to feel a little less pain. Um, but it's also just as effective. A lot of people think, well, is this going to be as effective as, you know, going to the gym a few days a week? Yes, it is. It's the same amount of volume, same amount of reps. You're just breaking it up, um, on a, on a daily basis. And when it comes to strength training in particular, all you need to do is send the signal to your body so that it can change. So that the actual progress that your body makes with the workout is not in the workout. It's the signaling process. And then it's afterwards when your body's actually

starting to adapt and changing it stronger. And then of course, from that process, you get a faster metabolism, makes it easier for you to get lean and all that stuff. So what we did is we put together a workout program that's 15 minutes a day. It uses a suspension trainer and a pair of dumbbells. So you can literally hang the suspension trainer in your doorway. Like a TRX kind of thing? Exactly. So TRX would be the brand name of what a suspension trainer is. Okay, okay, okay.

And you just jump on there. You do two or three exercises. And the workouts are all mapped out for you and planned with demos and the whole deal. And you work out. And what we're finding is exactly what we found when we train clients, which is, and this is just people now are messaging us saying, this is the most consistent I've ever been with workouts. My body's changing. I didn't realize that I could get results doing that, you know, something like this.

And it's, um, it's a game changer. And again, if you could solve the consistency issue, you've solved the fitness problem. And that's what we're up to go to school. One day a week, we go to breakfast together, but the other days a week, I could be sitting upstairs having breakfast with my son, listening to him talk about his day, how are things going. And I'm always in the basement in the gym working out because I'm going to get my 45 or 50 minutes in. And so you sent me this right before it launched and I've been utilizing it at home. And it just so happened a month after I got home from California, I signed up and we mapped out and I'm working on another big book. I've hit the road, follows my busy travel schedule for live events. I'm all over the place. And suddenly I don't have the time. And so here's

what this thing has given me. The consistency was less of an issue. And I know that's harder for what I would say average people, but people who aren't psychotic like I am. But this has given me time back with my family, Sal. And it's helping me be a better husband and a better dad because in this wild season I'm in, I don't have an hour that doesn't come at the cost of something that is probably more important existentially. And so I want to say thank you for giving me a program. I'm still sweating and I'm making it as hard as I can in that 15, 20 minutes that I'm using it, but it's given me the most precious resource I have on the planet.

It's not renewable, which is time, especially with my little ones, man. So thank you for putting this out there. What are you hearing from people who use this as they're coming back? What are you hearing? Well, there's two types of people that have been messaging us. The first one is the person that does have the challenges with consistency. And they're sending us emails saying, I've never been this consistent. It feels like I'm developing a behavior. This is definitely something I can continue long term.

And then we have the skeptical, advanced person who's been working out for a long time who didn't think that their body would respond training in this particular way. And for those people, I'd like to point to the data that we have on Olympic weightlifters and strength athletes. I mean, the Soviets back in the day figured this out that short, frequent workouts were more effective than long, infrequent workouts, infrequent, I should say workouts when it came to getting the body to progress. And again, I want to hammer this home. It's not the, how many calories you burn in the workout. It's not, it's not the workout itself. That's giving you the value. It's what, what it does to your body, how it signals that adaptation process. So, so that's how we program the word. That's how all workouts should be programmed. Really bad workouts are written in ways to make you feel sore.

And like, it's really hard and you might get results initially and then you figure it and then you can't figure out why your body plateaued it's because they don't focus on the adaptation process it's all about just making you feel like you're getting a good workout in the workout itself we don't write programs that way you know we like i said we train people people for a long time and for us it's all about results and then you said one more thing john i'd like to add which is you know, and this is such a key thing. You don't, people, most people don't live to work out. I mean, you could be a fitness fanatic and it could be your job, I guess.

But most people want to work out to live better. That's really what it should be all about. And that's how you develop that long-term forever relationship is do my workouts give me more time? Do they improve the quality of my life? Do I have more energy? So it's really about improving the quality of your life, not living to work out. And so that's what this program is really all about. I love it. And, uh, I'll speak to those folks who are already go to the gym a lot. And they, they kind of like the old way of doing work. Like I'm the first in and the last out.

I was here longer than anybody else. And now we all realize, well, golf clap, dude. Congratulations. Like, did you get the job done and how effective were you? I don't care how long you sat there. So some of us get our self-esteem boosted a little bit by how long we're in the gym or whatever. I will speak to, A, this program's written in a way that I can, I can

modulate up if I need it to be a little more aggressive, or if I just need to get to, to, to blow it out a bit, I can, I can modulate it up. I can not, no one's stopping me from staying an extra five or 10 minutes. And if I do it right and I follow the clock, I leave, I can, I can leave pretty gassed, right? It's, it's, I'm not, I don't feel like I'm skimping on anything. And in fact, um, there's been a couple of times the last few weeks when I would have just skipped, I would have skipped and I would have gone to work and knocked it out. And, uh, I would have gone to work and just skipped for the day and I went ahead downstairs and knocked it out. So, um, man, oh man, oh man. Okay. So where

do people go get this? Um, wait, let's back up. Tell them about real quick. Tell them about your, the maps architecture. Like what is the program? What is it? Which ones exist? And then tell them where they can go get this maps 15, the new program. Yeah. Yeah. So maps is an acronym that stands for muscular adaptation programming system. And all of our programs, we kind of create this avatar, um, and we try to write workout programs that really are the most effective that require the least amount of work to produce the most amount of results. That's really what it's all about. Um, you know, if you need to dig a hole, why use a spoon when you can use a shovel, right? So

trying to make them just as effective as possible with the amount of time that people will spend doing them. So we have a lot of maps programs. We have some that are extremely advanced. Like if you're like a competitive level, level bodybuilder or power lifter, or you do, um, you know, obstacle course racing. And then we have programs for total beginners. We have programs like maps 15, which is really about tackling that consistency issue, which we think maps 15 is going to be the one that, and it's already turning out to be the most popular program that we've ever created. That's right. All of these programs, you can find them at maps, fitness products.com. And then

you can see the name and you could kind of hover over and watch the videos and kind of get the explanation as to what the program's about and kind of figure out which one's for you. And there's a chat function there where you can ask somebody if you really need help on figuring out, because the right workout will do the best for the right person. So you want to find the right one for you always.

That's fantastic. Well, on behalf of just regular moms and dads, I want to thank you. Thank you and your whole team for putting this together, for putting it out there. I want to thank you personally for your time this morning. Thank you for the impact you've had on my family and for putting this stuff in a way that even a guy

who thought he knew everything about it, I've had a lot to learn and a lot to unlearn really. And thank you for the continued message you guys are putting out into the world to reshape the, retake the health and fitness industry, man, and make it digestible and make it actually applicable to people who are hurting out there. I'm really grateful for the work you and your gang are doing. I appreciate that, John. And I do want to add one thing is, um, it's quite humbling to meet somebody like you. I mean, what you said in the beginning is a hundred percent true. This is not paid sponsorship or advertising. You called us and just really liked what we did and wanted us on your show. And I really don't, I've never really met anybody

quite like that. So I appreciate you're very genuine and honest. And that's just for your audience to know, like this guy's, he's the real deal. He really cares about people. And you know, if you find the value, he wants to pay people back. So you've made impacts on us too, John. So I appreciate it. I'm grateful, my brother. Stay in school. Don't do drugs, all that stuff. And give Justin a hug because he needs one for sure, for sure, man.

Hey, I appreciate you all much. And everybody, MAPS15. Go to MAPSfitnessproducts.com. You can go to Mind Pump and scroll down and find it, MAPS15. If you are stressed, if you are busy, if you are trying to figure out, dude, I want to get into this weight workout thing that Deloney's always talking about. I don't know how to do it. I don't even know where to start. I can't think of a better place to send you. Go to Maps 15. Again, no partnership here. No money's exchanging hands. This is me telling you. This has impacted me and my family,

and I know it will positively impact you and yours. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety

fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new home buyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey-trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their Home Buyer Edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill-certified home buyer

and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash Diloni and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we are back. Let's go out to Phoenix, Arizona and talk to John. What's up, John in Phoenix? Hey, how's it going, John? I'm good, my brother. What's up?

So I just went through a really, really nasty divorce. I'm a Christian guy. I'm 34 years old. I had a child with my ex-wife. There's kind of a lot of trauma kind of built in all of this. So forgive me if I get a little emotional. That's all good, man. Our child had major medical issues when they were born.

Okay. We were still married at the time. We got home and she, me and her, long story short, disagreed about COVID, about, you know, I was trying to work and provide for my family and I had to go in and meet my client and she took our child that day and separated, left. We had had problems, you know, in the rest of the year too, but sorry, I'm kind of running around, but just a little backstory. Um, so my question is, I, divorce is finalized. I have 50, 50 and I am owing her still child support and I am having a really hard time.

Um, just not just dealing with everything. It's just like financially, it's also kind of a burden. And I'm just struggling. I've been trying to find like a biblical approach or a way to look at it where it doesn't cause any more anger, hurt and resentment toward her. But I'm just, I'm really frustrated that,

like I did not file, she left, she filed. And I feel like now I'm getting punished forever with this. And I just don't know. I don't know if I'll ever be able to save it for a house. I don't know if I'll ever be able to have like a great, you know, life still while having to be a single dad pay for all the expense. Like I still have to pay for childcare on my side. And I'm just, she has a bunch of family here and I'm paying and she could work, but she's not. And I just don't know what to do.

I can hear it on you, man. And I, I am heartbroken that your marriage didn't make it. I would be willing to bet there was challenges. COVID was not the first thing that happened. 100%. There was probably some really heaviness in the water that made COVID became the lightning rod or became the focal point.

And it's not uncommon, unfortunately, that kids with special needs, that kids with exceptional medical issues split husbands and wives up because the grieving process is so unique to individuals. And someone's like, well, I can't believe you're not concerned about this. I can't believe you're just going to go watch a movie when our kid is, right? And then the other one is like, you expect me to shut down my life, right? And people just go to war. And it really, again, it's kind of like money. The kid who's struggling is really the symptom, not the issue, right? The issue is below that,

but here you are, you found yourself there. I think, I may get my dates off, but I think 75, 76, 77, something like that was when the whole child support came in to be, right? And it was – the idea of it was trying to keep the nuclear family. Generally speaking, mom stayed home, dad worked, and it was a way to keep the family looking like it originally did. 1950, okay, okay. So I was off 25 years. So that's about right on the show. 1950, the idea was we're going to keep the nuclear family looking as close as possible. So mom's still going to stay home with the kids. That check is still going to show up here. And dad was usually the one that chose to leave. Okay. So it still has some shadows to that. Here's the hard reality. I'm going to say y'all, and I know that your response is going to be, that's not true.

I didn't file. Okay. But I'm going to say y'all on purpose and feel free to push back when I get done saying what I'm going to say. Okay. Okay. Y'all entered into a marriage and you entered into a legal marriage and y'all for whatever reason made decisions whether on the front end in the middle on the back end or finally with your with your xy filing y'all made choices to not handle the disagreements or handle the relational matters yourself and

because you entered into a legal arrangement, the dissolution of that legal arrangement put the, here's what's going to happen in the hands of a government official, in the hands of a judge. And the judge made their choice. And what I would tell you is any anger, rage, frustration, any of that, I'm gonna, that's a choice you are making to be miserable in the present. Any time you spent thinking, well, she could be working and she should have been, that's a choice to be miserable in the present.

And it's something you gotta grieve. It's okay to be frustrated about it. It's okay to be frustrated about it. It's okay to be angry about it. All your feelings, everything's okay. The reality is the judge spoke. The judge made a declaration. A divorce decree was signed. And regardless of what you think should have happened,

or I think, it is. It's just an is. You can go hire a lawyer or somebody to tell you that I'll go fight this for you. And you can spend 10,000 or 20,000 bucks trying to get another $200 reduced from your total bill every month. You can do that. Here's where I would focus my energy in your situation. I would focus my energy on making sure that me, because you're going to have a relationship with this woman for the rest of your life, forever. When your kids get married, she's going to be there.

When your kids are in the hospital, she's going to be, you're going to have a relationship with her forever. The sooner you can make peace with not her, we're not going to be best friends, we're never going to be lovers again, but we're going to be adults in a relationship for the rest of our lives. We gotta act like adults That means i'm gonna have to put my anger and rage down Because it's what's best for these kids And the sooner she can do that too y'all can begin to co-parent these kids in a way That is going to keep it's going to minimize the divorce trauma It's going to minimize the angst and frustration and yelling they've

absorbed for the last one, two, three, however many years. And so honestly, man, I think your energy is best spent looking forward. If I've got to get another job, I got another job. If I have to get a supplemental job for a season, I got to get a supplemental job for a seat start being about solutions and not sitting in this so i just threw a lot at you and this is just me talking to my buddy over a drink you know at a local joint like tell me what you think what you're feeling when i say that stuff no i i i kind of i'm agreeing and there's some things I'm also not on the same. She has a great career, too, so I'm not trying to circumvent that. There's a lot of backstory, too, on this. There were false allegations made against me that I had to basically go in with my attorney,

and thankfully there were a bunch of cameras, everything. I was innocent, but I was basically blamed falsely. And when I went in there and proved that, the judge made it to me where me and her can never communicate again except by email. They were that bad. So her, her family, her sister testified like, you know, in court, we proved it wrong. Her sister went to jail for a while. Okay. So there's a lot of heavy. Yes.

Really? I'm sorry. Maybe not perjury. Lying under oath. Lying under oath. Yes. What did they accuse you of? They said that I went over there and I was trying to see my son. And they were not letting, I was seeing him and she started basically yelling at me, asking me to leave.

And I tried to leave with my son. There was unfortunately some physical stuff that happened between her father and I, and they called the police and the police came over, um, after the fact. And there, there was a camera right across the street that captured everything outside with me trying to leave with my son and the whole conflict and everything. And, um, her sister and her made all these other claims that were not even remotely true. And so, um, but I was, you fought, you fought your, her, your father-in-law. Yeah. How was that? Yeah. Um, not good, but it was, I'm glad I got, can I just say,

I hope it's okay to say this. You say whatever you want. I got a couple of good licks then cause I got, you know, he was bigger than I was, but I got a I just say I hope it's okay to say this You say whatever you want I'm glad I got a couple Good licks in Cause I got You know It was bigger than I was But I got a couple good ones So it was okay

It was just awful Hey But You know I was looking at that I I I just

It was I shouldn't laugh about it But it was No I'm trying to break the tension here I can hear it on you man So I know there's millions of guys Who are like i bet i could take that old man and

then that old man's like i've got dad strength i i might not be able to wipe properly for the next six months but i will win this fight right now right so anyway you did it you actually fought your father-in-law so there you go man there you go i did i got a couple good licks in and but they yeah so then they wouldn't let me they made know, there's a whole bunch of other stuff that happened after that. So let's, you know, what you're telling me is perfect because here, here's the deal. There is such an emotional charge here. There's literally physical altercations that happened. There was lying. There's somebody in jail now. There was all kinds of allegations that were just completely bogus nonsense. And yet here we are. Here we are. And you're looking at this decree. She might be an attorney that makes $500,000 a year, your ex-wife. And you might be a plumber and you make 52.

None of that matters, man. The paper says you got to help out with child support. I'm just going to help out with child support, man. What I would much rather have is a 20-year record for my son when my son turns 30. And i'm just assuming your kids 10 i don't know how old your kid is but um i want my kid when they turn 25 to have a record of dad never missed because the truth will come out by the way and if your ex-wife is someone who lies someone who weaponizes her child someone who who demonizes, it will resurface. And what you're doing now relationally is you're playing a 15 or 20 or 30 year game with your son. Okay? The truth will be known. And there will be a 20 year or or an 18-year, however long. I guess it's going to be an eight-year. But it will be an eight-year record.

Dad never missed a payment. This wasn't about supporting mom. This wasn't about trying to proper. This is about taking care of my baby. I always showed up. I always showed up. And that's what we're playing a forward looking game. Not a,

can you believe this all happened game? Cause if you go back to court, it's not about your kid. It's about, you think you got beat in court and you don't think you should have lost. And that just really, yeah, I'm sorry.

Just to, I'll say this really quick. I don't feel that way. I feel what just, I got 50, 50. I am what just, I got 50-50. I am so grateful, John, for that. I know there's a lot of good dads that got, you know, traditionally in the past, right, had, did not get that.

And there were these other, these allegations and stuff that were, I mean, I thought I was never going to see him again. You know, sorry for getting a little emotional. I mean, I thought I was done. And thankfully, you know, God, there were things set in place so I can see him and be in his life. And I, you know, I'm not quitting on him. I love him. And I know you're not struggling because, you know, it's just like, I'm just looking at him like, well, we got 50-50.

Why am I, she has a great career. Why am I giving her anything? Like, why can we not just split this for him down the middle amicably? Why am I, she has a great career. Why am I giving her anything? Like, why can we not just split this for him down the middle amicably? And I just don't understand why I'm getting the. And what I would say is. That's where I'm just struggling. I totally get the struggle.

And mathematically, that struggle makes sense. Philosophically, that struggle makes sense. But when y'all two chose, her maybe more than you, okay? Maybe way more than you. But when y'all chose to not be able to reconcile your challenges together, you offloaded that responsibility to a third party

and that third party made their choice. And so we're sitting in the middle of that choice. We're sitting in the middle of that choice. We're sitting in the middle of that decision. And if she goes back to work, then you might have a court case. If she's staying at home because of the trauma of her ex-husband was so, dude, I'm going to write my check. I'm going to love the snot out of that kid. And then I'm going to go make my career the best it can be. I'm going to engage in relationships that are good for me, that are healthy for me. And I'm going forward, man. I'm going forward.

Okay. Okay. Any choice to hang around with that past is a choice to be weighed down. And it's going to feel like lightning bolts, the rage. You're going to have something cool come up and you're going to have just written how, how, how much is the check? Um, it is about $400 a month. Okay. Um, it's not, it's, so I'll just say this, it's not even so even so much I make a pretty good living But she does as well And I'm just frustrated because I feel like Not to keep going back But I'm like it should be 50-50

I don't feel like Listen you're going to get stuck on the loop You're going to get stuck on the loop It should be and it's not Kids should not get cancer, and they do. My buddy shouldn't have gotten a car wreck and died. And he did. And he did.

There's so much of our lives that shouldn't, that is. You had somebody try to destroy your life and take your son away from you. And it didn't happen. And, but you do have to pay 400 bucks a month. Probably shouldn't have to, but it is. It is. And so cool. I'm going to write that $400 check.

And I refuse, I refuse to give her another room in my head rent free to take joy from my life. I refuse. I'm not going to give her that. Here's your $400. Love my son the best you can. I'm on to the next with my day. And the loop will start. The lightning bolts will pop in your head when you're writing that check. You'll be so mad. Or when that check gets just taken out of your account, you'll get angry. And that's when you have a choice to make. Am I going to meditate on this?

That's 50 freaking 50 and they shouldn't have.. Am I going to meditate on this? Yes, 50, freaking 50. And they shouldn't have. Or am I going to exhale through and go, I'm so grateful that I don't have to worry at all that my son's got the financial resources he needs. Now I'm going to the gym. Now I'm calling my buddy. Now I'm going to fill in the blank, whatever else comes next. You see what I'm saying? This is a total reorientation of your life yeah yeah okay every time one of those things pop in your head i keep a journal i write it down

i look it's right here dude and i put like cool tough stickers on it and stuff so i look all hard um but it's really just like a diary and And it's, I got it at Walmart. Write them down when you're frustrated, when you're upset. And then be as adult, as an adult, as an adult, as you can be on the other side of it.

And be about, what can I control here? I can't control the 400 bucks. Cool. I'm going to write my $400 check. I'm going to move on. And then I'm going to be about, you can save up for a house.

You can. You can work really hard for the next 18 months on a promotion. You can work really hard to get some new skills. You can work really hard on moving to another career, another job. You can do those things. You'll get a house. You'll absolutely get a house. It's going to be awesome. You're going to pay for half of it in cash, right? You're going to be able to work that stuff out. Right now, you're still in the aftershock of the breakup of your marriage. You never saw yourself as a single dad. You never saw yourself as someone who gets divorced. You never saw yourself as someone who failed.

You never saw it. So you got to reconcile with this whole new you. And you can't. And you will because you're a person of character. Live moving forward. Unchain yourself from the past, my brother. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up?

Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings

and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, hey, we ended up with like a great studio audience out there. Everybody partying here at the Ram Solutions headquarters, man. It's good to see y'all.

Y'all, most of y'all, most of y'all are beautiful and attractive. I'm just kidding. Y'all look great. It's good to see everybody. Even the vests. Look at that. We have a vest crew back there.

It's fantastic. All right, as we wrap up today's show, it's from The Great Journey. The song is called Separate Ways, World Apart, and it goes like this. Here we stand, worlds apart, hearts broken in two, two, two. Sleepless nights, losing ground. I'm reaching for you, you, you.

Man, they over-rhymed that one. Feeling like it's gone, can't change your mind. If we can't go on to survive the tides, love divides. If you must go, I wish you luck. You'll never walk alone. Take care, my love. Miss you. Well, I don't miss you because you're coming back.

We'll see you soon right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.