The Dr. John Delony Show - I’m Afraid That My Husband Will Eventually Resent Me

Episode Date: January 12, 2026

On today’s episode, we hear about: A wife worried her husband will resent her because of her health issues A mom wondering how to talk to her daughter about her weight A woman struggling to tell her mom she’s no longer welcome in her house Next Steps: ❤️⁠⁠ Get away with your spouse today!⁠⁠ 🔥⁠⁠ Reconnect every day. Download the Together app.⁠⁠ 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or⁠⁠ send us a message⁠⁠. 📚⁠⁠ Building a Non-Anxious Life⁠⁠ 📝⁠⁠ Anxiety Test⁠⁠ 📚⁠⁠ Own Your Past, Change Your Future⁠⁠ ❓⁠⁠ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards⁠⁠ 💭⁠⁠ John’s Free Guided Meditation⁠⁠ 🤘🏼⁠⁠ The Dr. John Delony Show Merch⁠⁠   Connect With Our Sponsors: Head to⁠⁠ Beam⁠⁠ and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy and focus start tonight. Get 10% off your first month of⁠⁠ BetterHelp⁠⁠. Keep your home safe and under control. Go to⁠⁠ Cove Smart⁠⁠ and use code DELONY for up to 80% off your first order. Get an exclusive offer with code DELONY at⁠⁠ Cozy Earth⁠⁠.  Get 20% off when you join⁠⁠ DeleteMe⁠⁠. Go to⁠⁠ Dutch Pet⁠⁠ and use code DELONY to get $50 off a year of vet care. Go love your pets! Visit⁠⁠ Hallow⁠⁠ for a 90-day free trial. Visit⁠⁠ Helix Sleep⁠⁠ for special offers! Working knives for working people—go to⁠⁠ Montana Knife Company⁠⁠ to see what’s available now! Explore⁠⁠ Poncho Outdoors⁠⁠! Get 25% off your order at⁠⁠ Thorne⁠⁠.     Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️⁠⁠ The Ramsey Show⁠⁠ 💸⁠⁠ The Ramsey Show Highlights⁠⁠ 🍸⁠⁠ Smart Money Happy Hour⁠⁠ 💡⁠⁠ The Rachel Cruze Show⁠⁠ 💰⁠⁠ George Kamel⁠⁠ 🪑⁠⁠ Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman⁠⁠ 📈⁠⁠ EntreLeadership⁠⁠   ⁠⁠Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

With all of my health stuff, I've had to take a more lack approach to kind of just everything in my life, my job, my finances, my marriage. I'm just wondering how do I prevent him from resenting me? There's a lot in that question right there. What's going on? This is John, and I'm so glad that you're with us. Talking about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. your kids, your marriages, all of it. People all over the world show up to the show, pull up a seat, and we're going to figure out

what's the next right move. If you want to be on this show, go to john doloney.com slash ask. And for the jillions of you who DM me, don't answer questions on social media when it comes to individual family life situations. But we'll take your call on the show and walk alongside you as we figure out what we're going to do,

what you're going to do next. Let's go out to Lee Summit, Missouri and talk to Mara, Mary. What's up, Mary? Hi, John. How are you? Beautiful. You're doing good? I'm okay.

It's been a month. I'm struggling a little bit, but I'm fine. No, you're not. And you know what? At least for the 20 minutes we're going to talk, it's okay to not be fine. I'm glad you're here. What's up? So with all of my health stuff that I've been having going on over.

the years, I've had to take a more lack approach to kind of just everything in my life, whether that's my job, my finances, my marriage, my household duties that I took on when we first, me and my husband first got together. And one of the things that kind of just eats away at me is I, like, am trying to balance all of these new changes without my husband resenting me in the future. And I'm just wondering, how do I prevent him from resenting me, you know, like five years down the road. There's a lot in that question right there. Yeah, there is. So tell me about your health.

What's been going on? So about three years ago, I had some major health. Hughes come up where there is no end in sight. It was just doctor appointment after doctor appointment after doctor appointment, and nobody knew what was going on. I guess fast forward about a year and a half. We finally figured out what was going on, but they're like, we don't know why you have this.

Like, it doesn't make sense. What's the diagnosis? There's actually three. So the first diagnosis is Eller Damlo's syndrome. Okay. And then the second one is Potts. And then the third one is endometriosis. You're in a lot of pain pretty regularly, huh?

Yeah. I kind of, over the years, I was a very active person, big into dancing and things like that. I've ended up not being able to do dancing anymore. Me and my husband did ballroom dancing for years. And now I can't do that. I can't really go on hikes. In fact, like my doctor's ordering me a walker. And I've had to use like wheelchairs and stuff.

So I've completely lost a lot of my mobility. What is the prognosis look like? Is this degenerative or is there a treatment plan that you can be a part of? It's genetic, so it's progressive. Okay. So basically my connective tissues in my joints are just super lax. The collagen is not formed correctly in the joints and pretty much anywhere in my body. So it causes a bunch of health problems, but the big issue is my joints are just not stabilized.

so I have a lot of falls. And with each dislocation, it just gets worse. Sure, yeah. I hate this for you. Yeah, it's been hard. Yeah. It's not been hard. It's been like reorienting, right?

It's like control, alt delete on the person that you used to be. Yeah. Sorry. No, you're okay. It's one of those things that I, you know, I listen to your show pretty frequently. And you always talk about, like, how you have to kind of, like, grieve the loss of things. Like, whenever you have a baby, you have to grieve your old marriage. You have to grieve everything.

I find that I struggle, I'm struggling, like, with grieving the loss of my old life because I won't be able to get what I had back. I can do physical therapy and try, like, experimental surgeries and stuff, but that's not going to fix the problem. Yeah. Yeah, it's tough when grief is, like, a slow-moving train. right there's not a period at the end of the of the loss it's like a kind like a slow drip loss right and i guess it's it's almost i i don't know because i've never been in your shoes from the outside um if if somebody had done this to you at least you have somewhere external to point at and it's got to be even further disorienting,

dealing with the reality of the loss of the things you used to be able to do, and in many ways the person, quote unquote, that you were, when the enemy is your own body, right? My goodness. It's very disorienting to say the least. It's like you're daily but being betrayed by the one thing you're supposed to count on, which is your body, right? Do you have kids?

We want to have kids, but with everything going on, we've had to put kids on the back burner for the last three or four years. Yeah. Are you even able to have kids at this point with pots and endometriosis? We are actually going to be having some experiment, not experimental, but like exploratory surgeries to see in December. Just how tough stuff is. I'm sorry what?

Just to see what the damage is internally, right? Yeah, pretty much. The endometriosis, we don't really know how bad it is. On base of it. Yeah, they know, like, the MRI is showing that I most likely have endometriosis in quite a bit of different locations. But until they do that exploratory surgery, they don't really know for certain. But it's like, yeah, you have all the symptoms.

you have the whole little criteria list and your MRI showing it. So tell me about this guy you married. He is fantastic. Honestly, I'm so lucky because he always puts me in front of everything that he does. And he's very goal-oriented,

which is nice because during this time, like, it was really hard to kind of see the light at the end of the tunnel. And he's not really, like, I wouldn't say that he's optimistic, but he's, like, very like, okay, well, you know, we don't know yet if this is going to be causing infertility. We don't know yet if you're going to end up having to have this replaced or that replaced or if you're going to have to have this joint surgery.

So he kind of keeps me sane when my head just goes towards, like, catastrophe, which is very lovely. Yeah. Like, it almost sometimes even better than optimal. Mystic is realistic. Yes. Yes, he's very realistic. That's a good word.

Maybe even different than realistic. He's very present. Like, this is what we know today. Mm-hmm. And we might have things to be sad about tomorrow, but let's be here today. Yes. Yes. That's a very good way to describe him.

But he also is, you know, he's kind of like me where sometimes when things get to be too much, he can spiral. And so then we're kind of spiraling together. Yeah. And unfortunately, because of my health, he's had to take over a lot of cleaning the house that used to be something that I did. And then he has to work more hours because, you know, we max out our health insurance. He'd never done that before. So he has to make up, like, the money that, you know, I'm losing by not being at work because I have to take a lot of work off with my health and everything. Like, I think everything just piles up.

and I don't want him to resent marrying me. If that makes sense. Like, I know that's not silly. Not at all. Doesn't sound, doesn't sound silly at all. In honor of your husband, let me ask you this question. Like, what evidence do you have that he's heading towards resentment? I don't have any for him, but I grew up in a very tumultuous household.

And like, if, like, all the, all the men that I had in my life when I was growing up, like, my dad especially if something went wrong, he would just leave. And so, like, it's not that I think that he's going to leave. I feel like the little child brain in Madison from when she was a kid, that's what she's seeing like, oh, all these warning signs are popping up, and I don't know how to handle it. And I feel guilty because I feel like I'm going to be pushing him away from me when I need him with me. So I would even transfer, like, it's not even little girl.

It was a revelation to me that adult romantic relationships simply reuse the, I'm trying to say this in a not dorky way. It uses the same roadmap that was established when you were a kid. And so if you have a, like with your parents, your mom and your dad, however that relationship was formed, the highways that were developed in your head that was that relationship, your brain doesn't make new ones with your husband. It just reuses those roads. And so if you have exits built into that highway system because dad would just bail on you, then it's not just an inner child. It's a grown-up with real fears baked into your nervous system, right?

and I'm telling you that just so you know you're not crazy and that doesn't make him bad and it doesn't make him like your dad but it just I know he's not my dad well I know but but I don't want because here's where it happens you start to feel a certain way in your body

oh this guy's going to do it too and then you feel guilty that you had that thought about this guy and so you pull away a little bit or you overcompensate a little bit, right? And then weirdly, you create an environment that makes it hard for him to get to you. And then it's how patterns recreate themselves. And then he begins to feel not that I don't have the honor of a lifetime

to take care of a hurting wife, but that I can't get to her. She keeps bailing on me. Or when I get close, she's electric. She comes at me. you get what I'm saying? I did. And so some of this is dropping your shoulders and saying,

the way I feel is exactly right, because my body's run this script before, I feel that. And then I'm going to consciously go through on a minute by minute, sometimes hour by hour sometimes, day by day, is this true now?

And for you, it's not. And so I think the scariest part, the scariest thing for me you can do in this relationship at this moment is to have any sort of secrets between the two of you. Is when you're feeling that you don't have an opportunity that the closeness you're going to have is you putting stuff on the table and honoring him enough to let him respond to it. And giving him permission to be super frustrated. That's okay too. That's right also. You get what I'm saying? Yeah, I get what you're saying.

And I know you don't want him to be frustrated and you don't want him to be sad that his crazy, fun, super sexy, dancing, hiking wife is here. He gets to be frustrated there. I would think something's wrong with him if he wasn't like, ugh. And does he get up and feel that

and then go do the next right thing, which is to lean back in towards loving you recklessly? And that in and of itself is a man. It's when either of you get hung up on the, I shouldn't have felt this way. No, you should. And are we going to go do the next right thing? And so the scary thing for you is, and I'll just put this in the ether, and here's my hope for saying this out loud, is it frees you. Okay?

It could immobilize you. No pun intended. My best, my best oldest friend on the planet is in a wheelchair, so I'm just trying to have some fun here, is this, right? you can do nothing to prevent him from deciding he's going to resent you, which stinks. And so I know, my hope is that frees you. Because if you start right now trying to, quote, unquote, prove that you're still worthy of being his wife and worthy of having his love, then that fundamentally alters your marriage way deeper than I don't dance anymore or I don't hike anymore. You know what I'm saying?

The challenge for you is to show up and say, I'm still got, I still have both feet in this boat. Until you show me behaviors of language until you show me that you're not all into, I'm all in. Okay. And on those days I get scared, like I'm too much. and I'm afraid you're just going to walk out and leave. I'm not going to hold that inside. We're going to have a weekly meeting just to see like, how are we doing? We still love each other, right?

Even deeper than that, we still like each other. And then that becomes you, okay, these things are off the table now. I can't do these things. I physically can't do these things. And you hear me on my show a lot. I'm always telling people like, no, you can. You can go not be angry or not screaming yell. You can do those things.

You can't, right? You can't go hiking. Yeah. And so that's off the table then you look across the table at this guy and say, how can I love you right now? And in this new bounded context we have,

what does love look like? And let him speak to it. And I can tell you as a husband who's had to take care of a wife who's had medical complications over the years, it's my single greatest honor in my life, more so than having kids. Be honest, honest with me.

Do you think he's going to leave? No. Okay. Are you almost more worried that he's... Yeah, do you almost... Are you almost more worried that he's going to stay? No, I want him to stay. I know you want him to stay,

but are you almost more worried that he's going to stay and just resign himself to sadness and resentment? I think he would, if he was sad and resented, he would stay anyway. But that's because I know

that he loves me more than anything. Yeah. But I don't want him to get to that point, either. Okay. The challenge for you is you can't stop him from feeling how he's going to feel. The thing you can do is keep both feet in your boat and set up a daily, if not weekly, especially weekly, especially monthly. Do we have a practice where we put everything on the table? This week was a good week. Let's celebrate that together. This week was a good week for me. Not a good week for me. Let's celebrate that together.

Okay. gonna maybe need to go hiking with his buddies because that's who he is. He's an outdoors goofball, right? Just like me. And that means you're going to have to say, the best way I can love you today is to tell you, go get your friends and you'll go hiking. And when he walks out that door, you get to be sad and weep, not at him, but for you, because that stinks, man. And when he comes back in, you can choose to take that. frustration and angst, I've been stuck inside all day, and dump it on him. Oh, it must be nice. Or you can say, dude, I'm so happy you got to get out of here. That's the part of this you get to

manage. I definitely need to work on that. Right? And I don't want you to ever feel sad. I told a guy recently, we were walking through a parking lot after a show late at night. And I looked at him and I said, hey, he's a friend of mine. I said, hey, there are no bad feelings here. He was going through a tough time with his spouse. I said, there's no bad feelings. You're allowed to have them. You're allowed to feel helpless. You're allowed to feel frustrated. You're allowed to feel angry. You're allowed to be pissed off. All those things are right and good. What matters in those moments is what's your next right move? What's your next right action? Thank you for the call. I'll be here all the way through. If you wants to call me, tell him to call me. I'd love to talk to him.

You both are pretty special. We come back, a woman asks how to talk to her daughter about her weight without hurting their relationship. All right, I've got three dogs, and me and my wife and my kids, we love our dogs. And when they're not okay, nobody in our house is okay. Everything gets thrown off when a pet gets sick and we can't find the help that we need. And this is why I love Dutch. Dutch is the leading pet telehealth service, gives you 24-7 access to licensed veterinarians anytime, anywhere, on the road, at home, wherever you happen to find yourself.

There's no waiting rooms, there's no, oh yeah, we can see you in three weeks, just real help for your pet fast. Dutch can treat over 150 common pet conditions, and with about a 10-minute call from your home, you will be on your way to a treatment plan for your pet. Here's the best part. Dutch is super affordable. A Dutch membership covers up to five pets and includes unlimited visits, unlimited follow-ups and prescriptions are shipped free. You heard that free. With my code, all of this is less than

seven bucks a month. Are you kidding me? You'll spend more than that just walking into a vet's office one time. The average pet owner saves over 800 bucks a year by switching to Dutch. That's good for your animals. That's good for your family. That's good for your wallet. Go to dutch.com slash deloni and use code deloni to get 50 bucks off a year of veterinarian care. That's Dutch, dutcch.com slash deloni, use code Deloni. See the site for more details. I talk a lot about sleep. Why?

Because it matters. I've struggled with sleep for years. And when I don't sleep, I'm impatient, I'm distracted, my head doesn't work well, and I'm not the dad or husband or friend or coworker that I need to be. And that's why I'm excited to tell you about something that has truly helped me get better sleep. Beams nighttime dream powder. it. My friends that are professional athletes use it, and I'm telling everyone that I know about it. Why? For one reason. It works. And there's a second reason. It's delicious. Dream is a blend of

science-backed ingredients, magnesium, thionine, epigenin, Rishi, and melatonin that help you fall asleep faster and stay asleep longer. I love all their flavors, and my go-to is sea salt caramel mixed with almond milk before bed. Mmm, it's delicious. Beam has no weird chemicals, and here's the best part. I wake up sharp and ready to rock and roll, not all groggy and hungover feeling. Right now, Beam is offering up to 50% off their best-selling dream powder with my code Deloney at shopbeam.com slash deloni. That's the lowest price they've ever, ever offered, and it's only for my audience. Go to shop beam, B-E-A-M dot com slash Deloni, and use code Deloney and start sleeping better tonight.

All right, let's go out to Tulsa, Oklahoma, and talk to Jill. What's up, Jill? Not much. So I will just get started. So I have a beautiful, amazing 14-year-old daughter who, from the time she was little, has always been average to slim, and then she hit puberty and wasn't anymore. So for the past three years, I've just tried to lovingly support her, but I can just feel it like every time I try it doesn't go very well I don't feel like so I backed off and I just

don't want I feel like in 10 years from now she's either going to say you know how come you didn't help me more or you help me too much and now I have any news disorder and I just don't know how to how to help her so so how old is she she's 14 now so she's gained a lot of weight all of a sudden? Yeah, I would say the last three years, yeah, she hit puberty and just went from being slim, and she just gained weight and quickly, like, stretch marks. And I would, like, ask, like, you know, does it bother you? Do you want help? No, no. And I just can't believe that's true. I feel like she already struggles with, like, self-worth stuff. And, like, on top, like, schools a struggle, making friends is struggling, and then this on top of it.

And I just, I don't want to push too hard. I don't want to not help. I don't, because I know she's beautiful, but I just want her to feel like that. What makes you feel like she doesn't think she is other than you pointing out specific things? She's always down on herself. She's just always kind of had that glass half empty. And I don't feel like she feels confident. And she'll make comments.

I don't like the way I look in this. I don't like. So I know that that, and I always tell her she's beautiful, but I just don't know how to make her feel it. Well, A, you can't make her feel anything. That's fair. You can root yourself so deep into your own self-securedness that she feels loved.

Okay. And seen and known. but if kids grow up real fast sometimes, like they shoot up at different paces and kids get stretch marks and I grew what seven inches in seventh grade I still have that. Like it's a part of my life.

Right. I can tell you if my mom or my dad had been like, whoa, does that bother you? That would have been when it started bothering me. You get what I'm saying? Yes. But she would make comment, and she does make comments.

She's like, hate these stretch marks. And so I try to just like, you know, like, do you want help with your weight? Because like I know like, and it maybe comes from me. I was like, I listen. Like my sisters really struggled with the way my parents helped them. I didn't personally struggle a lot. Like I've always had to watch what I eat and whatever.

But I don't want that because. But let me ask that. I don't want it to ruin my relationship. Do you have a house where everybody's been on a diet for a long time? No. Okay. So I. Right wrong or indifferent when a teenager, especially a young teenager and especially a young girl teenager,

put something on the table like, I don't like X about me. I don't like, I got too big of a forehead, or I don't like my skin, or my hair is too stringy or whatever. Okay. A, if you lie to them, they know it and they lose your trust. And so if you have a kid with a ginormous forehead and you go, no, you don't, no, you don't, they are, the meta there is, I can't trust that person. Okay. And the second thing, piece of this that I always hang on to tightly is, those are questions of, do you still love me? Not, can you fix this?

You get what I'm saying? Okay. So if your daughter comes in and says, I've got these stretched, and I hate them, you can say, yes, yeah. Do you want to help with that? Or get over here. Let me hug you. Okay, yeah.

And if she asks, I wish there was something we could do, maybe the question is as you get older and your body settles into itself, I'm always here for you. Or maybe you say, have you seen my toes? They've driven me crazy since I was a kid, right?

Because my third and fourth tour webbed or, I'm making something up here. Right. But what we're doing here is we are entering into I'm with you, not because you have a thing wrong with you, and I can see that it's wrong. And, man, I've got some money right now. I can fix it for you. And more, the question that's being asked really is, do you still love me? And have you felt this too?

Okay. So like when she does like so she's come to me and you know after a while it's like okay I do want help so I kind of like try like hey let's be more active like what can you do after school or whatever and then she just kind of doesn't do those things anymore and I'm like okay should I make her should I push it or just I would ask the question to my 13 year old or 14 year old tell me what help looks like. Okay. teach me about the help that you would like. And you allow them to begin to unpack. Or actually the help I need is just more hugs. Okay. Yeah.

Or actually the help I need is, will you still tell me I'm beautiful when I don't think I am? And I think for fixers like you, like me, we jump to, all right, here's a nutrition plan and here's a whatever. Right. That's what I want to do. But it doesn't seem like maybe that's what she wants. Well, and let me ask you this.

You've probably heard this saying more is caught than taught. What does healthy living look like with you and your, are you married? Yes. Okay. What does healthy living look like with you and your spouse? So both of us, like my husband's an avid, like he works out every morning. He's very disciplined in that way. Mine looks a little different.

Mine's more physical therapy because I don't walk well. I've got my own. But we do and like we always have healthy options, have good. meals, but we enjoy stuff too. Like, I would say it's pretty average. Okay. Is there any part of your husband's crushing and killing it, discipline that rubs off on her as failure?

Like, he does bring it up a lot, not to her, but like in his own, like, oh, I shouldn't have been madder. Oh, I need to do better. Well, just know that kids metabolize those type of sentiments. And their feelings are bigger roller coasters and their emotions at that age of so amplified. Yeah. That, yeah, it can get internalized in a really profound way.

And I'm not even trying to shame your husband. He's probably trying to help. Yes, and I really think he is. But I will tell you, as somebody who struggled with disorder eating most of my life, I'm super grateful for when I would say things like, I look fat in his shirt, that my wife at an early, if my kid's early age, would say stop. that's not true. And B, if that's how you really feel, keep that to yourself right now.

Okay. Yeah. Because I don't want a 13-year-old, their default setting to, am I fat in this shirt? Right. So we can make those comments, so we just need to keep them with ourselves and not in front of her or her brothers. Well, even deeper than that, if there is a belief that those are true, that air is what your home will breathe. Yeah. if your husband genuinely thinks I should not have eaten that because he got up and works out every day and he mostly eats a healthy food all the time and then he had a piece of cheesecake and his first response is I shouldn't have eaten that, then he's got challenges he needs to deal with. Yeah.

Because that's factually not true. Right. I've had ice cream with some of the fittest people on the planet, right? Yeah. So that in and of itself tells me there's the air that's being breathed in that house. Now, that doesn't change the fact that you're watching a 13-year-old girl whose body is changing so fast, so quick, both internally and externally. And you know this from your childhood, especially girls' bodies change in really remarkable wild ways. She could just as easily grow three more inches and suddenly transform again, right?

Yeah. Maybe not. But all that could happen, I'm way more concerned about A. the actions and behaviors in words of the adults in the house. B, that my kid knows they are anchored in love, period. And I am not going to put my concerns, my personal issues with myself,

with my body, with my mind, with my discipline, my actions, I'm not going to dump it on my child. I'm going to live it out. And you get the difference? Yeah. Yep.

And so if you look and see, my goodness, if I had those stretched marks, I would be super embarrassed about them. A, that doesn't make you crazy or a bad mom. Right. That doesn't make you somehow dysfunctional. And B, that's not something you pass along to a 13-year-old girl. Okay.

Right? And so the question I have for you is, what does repair look like now? If there are things that you go, oh, God, I wish I hadn't said it like that. I didn't mean it that way. I was trying to be helpful and I tried to fix something and really what she was asking is do you still love like right yeah if you could think of a few things I would take your daughter out to breakfast take your daughter out for a walk and say I'm trying I'm trying to love you in real time and I've messed up a few things and so can I have a control

all delete on this what are you talking about mom okay and be like yeah I need you to understand from the depths of my being and by the way if you can put your hands on both side of her face and stare directly into her spirit through her eyes. Okay. And say, you are the beautiful woman. You're turning into a beautiful woman, and I think you're stunning. And when you are uncomfortable,

I love you so much, I get uncomfortable. And I need you to know that I love you to the moon and back. And so does your dad. And we both say dumb things sometimes because we have our own insecurities. And if you ever want to know about them, I'm happy to tell you. Okay.

Okay. Yeah. And then say, I love that. I will help you. I'll walk alongside you. I will love you. Any way you need me to show up for you, I will. But I'm going to default to what I know to be true, which is you are beautiful, and you are 13, and your body's gone haywire.

Right. Has she started her period yet? Oh, yeah, a couple years ago. Okay. How did that conversation go with you, too? Good. We've always been very open. Cool.

And I had it in her backpack. She had like a little zipper thing. I said, when this comes, you know, if it happens at school, call me or you have the stuff to take care of it. Yep. Perfect. And so that's a great, like you can say like, hey, remember we talked about this? And remember we talked about those things?

We talked about this thing. And the first time we had to go bra shopping. Like all those things. Right. Let this be another one of those developmental conversations, which is you need to know, I've got your back. I'm the foundation with my. I am the foundation with which you can anchor into.

And then maybe she's 13, so that she's old enough to say, my parents mess this up with Aunt Judy and Aunt Susan. And they still are complaining about it to this day. I don't want, I don't want, that's not going to come between us. So just talking about, I guess I've just been scared to like,

so I just made like little comments and I've been just scared of it and I just need to just say it. I mean, you just hit it right on the head. because teenagers especially, little kids especially, and teenagers especially, especially, they enter into, am I safe, and am I loved, and am I still okay?

In little, rarely in these big blowups. It's usually little, like the Gottman's in terms of marriage. We'll call them bids. Little tiny bids for, am I still okay here? Am I still okay here? And so I hate these stretch marks, Mom. Ugh. I hate that you are frustrated.

with parts of your body. I've been there too. It's the worst. Come give me a hug. And then the next question, if it is more than likely, she'll just drop her head in the middle of your chest

and you can hold her. But if she says, ugh, I wish there was something we could do, you can say, well, right now I'm going to hug you because I think you're beautiful. And then later on,

when the emotion of that moment has distilled, when you're tucking her in at night, y'all are grabbing coffee together because starting now, you're going to start having coffee once a week, or breakfast once a week.

Yeah. And then you're going to say, hey, you said, is there something you can do? I want you to tell me about that. And then if she says, my goodness, I wish there was a surgery.

I wish there was a thing. And you could tell her, hey, you're going to grow up and you're going to keep growing and these stuff will fade over time. There's parts of my body. I wish I could walk. You know,

you can be really vulnerable with her. Yeah. And then give her a lifeline. When you're 18 and your body's kind of settling into itself, maybe. But right now, you're an amazing 13 year old girl

and it's just stinks that it's awkward for us. Right. All of that is telling her one major thing, which is I'm right here in this mess with you and I love you and there's not a thing you can do to where I won't love you and think you're beautiful. And yes, I have parts of me that I'm not super happy with either. All of us are like that.

All of us are like that. And also, I'm not going to lie. be like, I don't see those stretch marks at all. I don't see them because that's not true. You do. And I'm not going to also make a face and be like, ugh. Right? I'm not going to do that.

So it's anchoring all the way back. And then, yeah, have a hard conversation with your husband. I am grateful eternally that my wife had that conversation with me multiple times because I was taking my challenges with who I saw in the mirror and I was handing them to my kids and say, hey, y'all carry this too. And that, God, help him, that's not their job. It's not their job. And I'll tell you, there's been seasons when my son will look a little pudgier,

and then he grows seven inches the next two weeks, right? And so those concerns I had with kid number one, I'm not going to have those with kid number two because their bodies are just changing so quick. And their emotions, all of it. But I just want to say this. Thank you for loving your daughter. I want to get this one right. It says a lot about you as a parent.

That's awesome. This is a time for connection and vulnerability, not for the right weight loss, weight loss program. And when a kid comes to you, a teenager comes to you and says, can you help me with X? The next question should always be,

talk to me about what help looks like. Like, when you say the word help, what does that mean? And let them answer that. Let them give you some clues as to what they want a workout plan or they want a nutrition plan, or they want mom to sit by him on the couch and remind them, I still love you.

They want dad to come in and just be like, my goodness, 13-year-old daughter, you're so beautiful. I can hardly stand it. I'm so glad I'm not 13 anymore. Thank you for the call, Jill. You're amazing. When we come back, a woman asks how to tell her mother she's no longer comfortable with moving her in. All right, those of you watching or listening to the show right now probably fall into one of two camps. First, you've never used a home security system.

maybe you've thought about it, but it's too expensive, you think you need a degree in IT to work it, or you don't want a stranger drilling holes in your walls. I get it. Or second, you've had a security system, but you're tired of long-term contracts, having to buy a bunch of nonsense that you don't want or need, and you're sick of big monthly bills. Cove is for both of you. Cove is smart, affordable home security that you can trust, whether you're a stay-at-home mom with kids or a business traveler who wants to check in on the house while you're 500 miles away. Set up with Cove is totally DIY, and it's way quicker than you would think.

And listen, Cove is the only system that streams a live video right to the panel in your home, so you can see who's at the door without even looking at your phone. That kind of clarity gives you real peace of mind. If you're a first-time homebuyer, a renter, or a comparison shopper who wants more value and fewer headaches, cove is for you.

Go to covesmart.com and use, code Deloney and save up to 80% off your first order. Protect your home and the people you love with better home security. That's C-O-V-E, covesmart.com, and use code Deloney. All right, let's roll out to Baltimore, Maryland and talk to Elaine. Hey, Elaine, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. How are you?

Hi. I'm doing pretty good. Excellent. What's up? Well, I was hoping you could help me to figure out how. I can tell my mother that I no longer feel comfortable moving her into my home after some recent events revealed a major misalignment of what I consider some pretty core values. Ooh, tell me, why was she going to move in?

Well, my mom is financially unstable. She lived with her mother for a long time up until my grandmother passed away, and my mom has been able to kind of live on her own for a few years through her employment and through other means that she's able, but she has lost her job and has had some physical problems where she's not able to work full time anymore and she just doesn't bring in enough to live on her own. And I have told her for years that, you know, she'll never be without a home. That as long as I have a home, she'll have a home. And now I'm feeling conflicted in that.

And I was hoping you could help me. Yeah. What happened that you just flipped that switch and you were like, no. it's not going to happen. Well, I have a young adult niece, my mother's grandmother, or excuse me, my mother's granddaughter, who she got her, was due to have her second abortion. And this came to light. My mom called me when I was in the road and mentioned that she was going to be taking

my niece that afternoon to have her second abortion. and I was shocked and I mean, I knew that this had happened before. And when it did happen, I prayed on it and I promised myself that I would say something, that I would try to, that I would reach out to my niece and do whatever I could to try to convince her otherwise and to explore support and some other avenues to save her baby. and when my mom failed to reach out to any of the people that love my niece and that who could potentially support or help her, I mean, she just decided to go ahead and take her to do that. Goodness, I mean, I remember my mother holding my babies and I just, I can't, it's like, it just can't be the same person.

And so I'm just feeling so conflicted. And I did speak to my mother since writing you. Tell me how that went. It didn't go great. I feel like my mom is willing to pretty much say anything just to kind of have peace back between us. I know that I'm a lifeline for her. And I love my mom. I love being with her.

I want my children to have. a relationship with her, but this makes it feel almost unsafe. Like if she had taken my daughter without getting, exploring every avenue to help her, to help save her great grandchild. I, and she just, she kind of stands on, she's doubling down, like it's, she says it's not her place. It wasn't her place to, that it's my niece's decision, and I agree, it's her choice. But my mom feels it wasn't her place to reach out beyond, I don't know, to anyone, it seems. And I just feel like, you know, darn it.

Yeah, I mean, this is one of those, I think this is the reason, or one of the reasons why this is such a flashpoint issue, which is you have people on one side of the building saying, hey, I cannot participate in the death of a child. And then you have somebody on the other side saying, in this purse, in this adult, your niece and her moment of need, I'm not going to leave her stranded. I will be here with you. And in your mind, you go to, I have a picture of my mother holding my kid. And your mother may also have pictures

of herself standing so alone in certain scary moments of her life. Yes. And so you end up having a war, but two people are holding different pictures in their mind. That's what makes it so complex. It's so black and white. on either side.

Yeah. Right? And so the question, I think, for you is, you may be having a conversation about this unborn child and your grandmother, I mean, your mom is having a conversation about her own terrified, scared-to-death 22-year-old self. Yeah. Right?

And y'all just looking at the exact same issue from different places. The question you have to answer is, there is what I thought you were going to say was you found out your mom has like a major drug addiction or something like there's an ongoing behavior and presence that I cannot have in my house for the safety of me and my kids right this sounds like and I don't want to distill it so much but a punishment you did this thing and that disqualifies you from this thing I was going to give you and here's the deal you can one hundred 100% do it because it's your house. And if there's a secondary issue here, or maybe it's a first-tier issue, which is, I can't put you in proximity to my kid because you have proven to me that if one of my kids comes to you, you will default to them and not to their support network. That's a legitimate concern. It just happened right in front of you. Yeah. But it's getting to the deeper thing, which is, I don't want her here because she did this thing and I can't forgive her for it. Or in your

mind, I can't reward you with the room in my home for it. If that's the case, own that fully. Or if it is, you have set a precedent now, let's take abortion off the table because it's such a third real topic. She bought beer for other teenagers somewhere and she can't figure out that it's wrong. She just wants them to have a good time. And you're like, mom, I can't bring you into this house. I've got teenagers here. Yeah, that was that was her, that was kind of her way of thinking growing up was, you know, you're better off to do it here than somewhere else. There you go. And so you're looking at the same problem from two totally different issues.

And it's why we're having so much division culturally right now. It's because at some point, one person or the other has to go around the issue and sit with the person next to them. And either say, I can't be in your life because you did this. this thing. You crossed a line that you can't uncross. Yeah. Or... I definitely want to be in her life and want us to be part of our lives. I just don't...

I feel hesitation in welcoming that into my home. We... When you say that, what is... When you say that, is it, I can't welcome somebody who is pro-choice into my house? I can't invite somebody who would... when a child, when a young adult, I don't know how this, this, your niece says, but when a young adult is reaching out for help that doesn't bring in everybody and just tries to solve it on her own, like what's the, what's the, I can't bring that into my house? What does the that be specific? That for me is her unwillingness to seek support, to seek the people support. And when I'd mentioned that in our, in our telephone call, she said, well, what were you going to do? You weren't going to help her.

And that, for me, was, like, heartbreaking. That's it. Like, I feel like she doesn't even know me. It's like, of course I would help her. I would reach out. I would do Internet searches and find, you know. And her, and she says that, you know, my niece is in a bad financial way. She does not take good care of herself.

And that she wouldn't be able to support a pregnancy. I challenge that. I think that she would be able to. I know that it would be hard, but I think that, you know, I'm trying to think about her in the future and, like, her child and adoption and an open adoption. But, you know, and it comes down to it, I just feel like it's not my place to say. But at the same time, like, if it were my daughter, like, that's our lineage. That's our family. And, like, it goes against what I feel is inherent in us to protect our family.

Okay, so go one layer deeper. Can we go one layer deeper beneath this? Mm-hmm. How many times over the course of the last 30 years has your mom completely blown you off? What you mean by completely blown me off? Like just disregarded my feelings or? I'm trying to think of a, no, let me say it like this. This woman who is your mom now, you've been struggling with your relationship with her since you were little fair.

Yes. Okay. And you've made a whole bunch of really clear decisions over the years to not be like that. Fair? Yes. And now are you married? Yes. Okay.

You have a good marriage? I do. Okay. You worked your butt off for that good marriage because you didn't have a picture of what one even looked like. Fair? That is true. Okay. You have made choice A, choice B, choice C, all the way to choice Z.

and your life is bearing the fruit of that. You have a good marriage. You got to, y'all aren't worried about where your next meal is going to come from. If one of y'all was to get laid off, y'all would be okay because you got each other. You have a relationship with your daughter that you dreamed of having with your mom.

Fair? I'm trying, yeah. Okay. And so pretend you were a car mechanic for 25 years, and everyone in the community came to you for car care. And then you got your mom over here that's like, I ain't going to you. You're just going to lecture me about the brakes.

That's devastating. Because the fruit of how hard you have worked is right there. And your neighbors eat from that tree and your kids eat from that tree. And your own freaking mom will. And now we have this huge, huge issue that goes against your core, who you are. We take care of the kids in our line. and she's like, nah, I'm going to take my car somewhere else. What's the park in my garage?

That's exactly right. And you've told her for the last 20 years, you always have a garage to park in. Yes. I've had that picture in my mind of my mom. You know, I've made room for that picture in my mind of my mom in my home and, like, us helping each other. I know, but in that picture, that picture was 2D. It wasn't 3D. Yeah, right.

And when you painted the picture, you left out the part. I feel like to make it work, I will have to ignore this part of my part. myself. There you go. And my husband is very supportive. He's, you know, this is what we do for family. You know, we, we promised early on that we would take care of our parents, that we would not put them away, that we would not, you know, that we would do everything we could to make sure our parents are safe and comfortable and well cared for. Point blank. And I feel like I'm going against that. And so I have to compartmentalize this. And so anytime I get stuck in an either or position.

I always force myself to back up. I have to take this job or not take this job. I have to move here or I have to not ever move again, right? Anytime I back myself into a corner like that of an either or, I force myself through an exercise of putting at least three to five other variables on the table. And they might be nuts. but I at least force myself

and what that exercise proves to me is I'm not backed into an either or. And so here's what some of those might be for you. We can get you a one-bedroom apartment and we're going to do that for 24 months, but you can't be here. We are going to cover your health insurance, but you can't come here.

You can come here and if this particular X, Y, R Z, happens in my house, then you are choosing as an adult to leave my home. So I'm going to bring you here, but I have to fully be myself in this house. But forget the abortion issue. I don't think, like talking to you now, I think her moving in brings you all the way back to 12-year-old you. I've always been the peacekeeper in the house. That's right. I've witnessed a lot with my siblings and that more so their struggles with my mom. I've always just kind of like gone along to get along and nothing ever seemed like important enough to really rail against her. This, however, just feels so much

heavier than anything else and I can't, I promise myself I wouldn't be silent. Okay. And you have to ask yourself, what does what is being silent here mean? Does it, because you're at a crossroads with core values. I have a core value that is I will always take care of my mom no matter what. Yeah. And I have another core value which is if a child is in distress, we bring in everybody to help. I have another core value which is I am adamantly pro-life, especially when it comes to my family. And so these are all crashing together. Yes. And so I guess I want you to hear me say that for a peacekeeper, you're not going to have quote unquote peace, especially initially

in any decision you make moving forward. Right. So make peace with the fact that there's not going to be peace moving forward here. Right. Right. And so you have to choose your heart here. I think if I was in your same situation, I would be honest about,

and I intentionally, nobody knows where I stand on a lot of these quote unquote issues because I care a lot about the hurting person in front of me. so I'm not making an issue statement. I'm saying if there was some things in my life that violated core, core values, I'm going to be honest, what I hear, the deepest fear is this big flashpoint thing

with taking care of your niece, reignited in you, I'm about to bring this woman into my home and she's going to have direct access to her granddaughter, my daughter, and I can't give her access to another child again

because I've worked too hard. I've seen too much of the, of the damage this woman leaves in young people with my sister who refuses to talk to her my other sibling who is in and out of jail and so this is a moment where the fantasy that 2D picture you had you had created you'd painted for yourself which is one big happy family it proved yet again this isn't one big happy family and then we got to grieve like a bloody hell that picture that we painted because it's not true it's not real and now we've got to paint another one

and that's where dumping these things out on the table and somebody who's awesome, whether it's a couple of good girlfriends or your husband, can hold it with you while you just kind of, it's like I'm dumping out of puzzle pieces and you're kind of separating them into the ends and to the middles and the picture of the giraffe and the picture of the lion. You're separating these pieces out and that's you just kind of sifting through your values. Who are we as a house going to be? And we are somebody who, fill in the blank.

and that sounds to me like y'all might be somebody who's going to spring for half of a one-bedroom apartment or someone who's going to spring for a one-bedroom apartment for this many months. I can't have you around my daughter.

I'm not going to put her through what I've spent 25 or 30 years healing from and it's still right in front of me. I just saw it happen with something else. Or you say one of my values is I can be deeply disgusted by somebody and they can still pull up to a seat at my table. That's when your value's cool.

Knock your lights out. But I want you to own the depth of it and understand there's not going to be just a lot of when you come up with this quote unquote next right move. The next right move is often very painful. The next right move is often uncomfortable. That's what I see in your future here.

Values are tough, especially when those we love and have promised ourselves we take care of, crash up against them. It's the messiness. But congratulations on changing your family tree. It's pretty impressive what you've pulled off and what you continue to do. Seek to be whole, moving forward for you,

for your husband, for your daughter, and for your mom. We'll be right back. This time of year, everybody's talking about getting more organized with less clutter, less stress, and why are we doing this? because we want more peace. And here's one area I want you to focus on this year, your digital footprint.

And that's why I recommend delete me. Every time you fill out a quick form, grab a discount, or sign up for something quote unquote free online, your personal information, things like your name, your email, your phone number, and your address, all that gets collected, sold,

and shared behind your back by data brokers. Over time, this turns on the fire hose of spam calls, weird text, and scam emails. Delete me's team of privacy experts finds your personal information and it gets it taken down and they keep it gone. It's like setting healthy boundaries for your digital life because protecting your privacy is part of protecting your peace. This year start fresh, get organized with fewer distractions and find peace. Go to join deleteme.com slash deloni for 20% off an annual plan. That's join J-O-I-N. Join deleteme.com slash Deloney and start protecting your peace this year.

All right, Kelly, am I the problem? Go for it. Again, yes. Disagree. Answer this question a lot. Go ahead. All right, so this is from Roseanne in Somerset, Pennsylvania, and she writes, I've been married 37 years. Recently, my husband's brother has been dating a woman that my husband had a one-night hookup with before we were married. So we're talking, like almost 40 years ago, they had a hookup. Yes. It's still awkward, her showing up after all these years, and now my family events are not comfortable.

We have not attended any of them since they started dating. Everyone says it's in the past, but it's not quite in the past when it's back in your face. I feel this is disrespectful as his spouse for me to have to be in the same room. My husband feels the same as well, same way as well, but he's still not sure that I'm being reasonable. Everyone else sees this as no problem. So am I the problem?

Oh, man. I have a knee jerk with reaction, but you go first. What do you think? It's been 40. That's what I'm saying. Yes, you're the problem. Let it go.

Yeah. I mean, at this point, we just laugh about it and move on. Don't hold it back anymore. Yeah. Let it go. We're done. I mean, it was a one-night stand.

She says, one-night hook up. 40 years ago. let it move on. He's been with you for 40 years. You won. You got him. Now, to me, this is different if he had an affair with her 10 years ago while they were married. That's a different discussion, but it's not. They had a one-night hookup 40 years ago. 40. I mean, do we all want to be, you know, I mean, I don't want to be held accountable for what I did 20 years ago, you know, or 30 years ago or whatever, because we were different people and we make mistakes or even if it wasn't a mistake. It was 40 years ago before they were married. Yeah. Yeah.

You gotta. Just exhale on this one. Just exhale on this one. Let it ride. Roll your eyes. You won. You got him. Forty years.

You got him. And maybe they need to just get it out in the open. Let's all make the joke. Say the funny thing. Move long. You know? Let's call it out. Dude, I tried to...

40 years. It's time. You were 50. at that age and... I hate you. Yeah, 40 years like, yeah, let it ride. Let it ride.

If you... If you... There's not even any ifs. Let it ride. Go on about your life. You're hanging on to stuff. You're picking up 40-year-old bricks and choosing to carry them in your present day. You won. You got

the guy. Just roll your eyes. And when you make eye contact with your brother-in-law's new girlfriend, you can just wink at her and be like, I got him. Ha.