The Dr. John Delony Show - I’m an Exhausted Police Officer Ready To Quit

Episode Date: June 3, 2022

Today, listen as we hear from an exhausted cop of 17 years who wants to quit, a wife seeking to best support her husband who struggles with bingeing and purging, and a young woman who attempted suicide two years ago but is still plagued by guilt and shame. Lyrics of the Day: Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I was in the hospital due to a attempt to suicide. Then that happened and, you know, my mom, she already struggled with depression and she just, it made it so much worse. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. You didn't make it so much worse. You didn't make it so much worse. You didn't. Woo! What's up?

It's John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad you're with us. It's so good to have you. If you want to be on the show, give me a call. 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Or you can go to the internets and go to johndeloney.com slash askask.

So, man. Some people on the internets have a sense of humor. And they also know about family trauma. Others are really mad that I went after the Robert Munch book where the creepy mom crawls through the window and tries to murder hug her son. She breaks and enters into his house.

And luckily he doesn't have, I don't know, a shovel next to his bed or something. So she can hold her grown man with a mustache and just rock him while he's in his comatose sleep. Sounds good. Beautiful. So a couple of things. Number one, some people asked, how would I feel if someone said that about my book? Number one, I try. This is like a rule of thumb I have. I try not to include clear pictorials of generational trauma in my books. And so if I do, I would suggest game on.

Game on, right? The other thing is people do. People are mean. They say things about my book. It's part of being an author and putting it out there. I will say this though. This is important. Before I say what's important, somebody wrote

I'm from Canada and this is like, he's a Canadian export. It's a huge deal. Don't run him down. And that actually made me smile. I get that. I'm all in on that. When people talk bad about Texans, even when they're idiots. I always like, Hey, come on, man. They're one of my people. Um, so I, I honor that. Um, here's the deal. My wife is a, uh, children's lit, uh, expert. And she was like, listen, you better make sure everybody knows that Robert Munch is like one of the greatest children's authors of all time ever in the world's history.

He just laid one giant rotten egg once. And hey, listen, Poison, look what the cat dragged in. And then what's the next one? It was, it's the one with everyone has a thorn. Why can't I think of the title of it? What kind of fan am I? Anyway, that record, open up and say,

ah, that's what it was. And then Flesh and Blood, dude, you can't just do four masterpieces in a row. And so then they came out with the next record and I still haven't

recovered psychologically. I'm still in therapy. It happens. It happens. So, anyway, everybody, let's just take 30% off.

Smile a little bit more. And let's not read books about generational trauma to our children. And let them know one day when you have your own family, I may just get a ladder and climb up on your roof and break it into your house, take you out of your bed, and rock you. Because I,

because, yeah. Alright, let's go to Greg. Greg in Boise. What's up, Greg? Hey, how's it going? Dr. How are you doing? Good brother. How are you,

man? Oh, better than I deserve. Better than I deserve. Thanks for taking my call for sure, dude. What's up? So,

um, I'll try to be like a succinct and I guess specific as possible. Um, and that way you can kind of get the background. I think, I think my question is kind of two parts. Um, so my wife and I, we've been married for about 14 years.

Got two kiddos. I mean, my wife's the best thing that's happened to me. Kid's the best thing that happened to me. I've been a cop for about 17 years. 15 years down in Southern California, and then I just lateraled up here to this area. Long story short, I can give you the history of everything as far as my history, but every first responder has stories, right? That's right.

But anyways, with that being said, I've recently been given the opportunity to work in a position basically where I'm going to be chasing pedophiles full time and doing internet crimes against children and stuff. And so with that being said, I'm kind of, like, what exactly do I do to prep? I mean, I've seen stuff and everything else, but this is a whole other level. Is there anything mentally that I can do to prep for those things, you know, getting ready for that stuff? And then the caveat to all that is, honestly, Dr. D, is this, that, man, the last probably six, seven years, I'm just done. Like, sometimes I throw my key in the ignition, and I'm going into work, and I see the cases I'm assigned. I'm just like, I don't want to do this anymore. And I'm, I kind of had this crossroads. So that's really where I'm at. And I try to be like, I hope that's a succinct and specific responsibility.

One, thanks for making the call. I know that's a hard call to make. So thank you for your, thank you for your trust. And, um, some of that stuff, even saying it out loud is hard. And so thank you for doing that, brother. I want you to hear one thing before we get going, and I'll start pulling on some of the threads here. Everybody, every first responder has a story. You're right. And your story is your story.

Okay? Yeah. And it doesn't undermine or make it any easier or any less gruesome or any less, just because somebody else had it too. Yours is yours. And your kids wear it and your wife wears it and you especially wear it. And so even though it's all around you, never compare that kind of stuff, brother. It's your story and you've seen the stuff, right? Let's reverse engineer this conversation. I could not.

I can think of two, I think, one or two. I've got some, just from working with college students and having to go through, you know, I'd worked with, I think it was FBI at one point on one particular case. I've got things in my head that will never go away. Okay. I could not work that role. Okay.

I honestly can't tell you how I would even prep for that role, working sex crimes against kids. Particularly, I've got a couple of buddies who did that, and I wish I had a better answer for you. It felt dispositional. They just were able to go, yeah, some ugly, gnarly stuff, and somebody's got to go in there and do it. And they seem to, I couldn't do it. And retain humanity, you know what I mean? couldn't do it, um, and remain in retain humanity. You know what I mean?

Cause it's some, yeah, absolutely. I mean that you've been there before and even though you're not working the unit, you've seen stuff, right. And it's, it's, it's, it's, I don't know. It enrages me in a way that I know I couldn't be objective in that job. That does not have anything to do with you. My recommendation for you would be to get with a couple of guys who have done that, some men and women who have done that, and to ask them about it.

Because listen, somebody has to do that work. We need that done. We have – we've got – our technology has outpaced our ability to chase it down, and there's a bunch of people who are in over their heads and some really dark, evil stuff, and we need people like you to chase them down. I don't feel like I'm in a good position to give you wisdom on it because I know I couldn't do it. Anything I'd be telling you would be all theoretical and hypothetical.

Well, I appreciate that too. How'd you end up on that? Is it a promotion for you? Yeah, I mean, it's a good interview. It's just giving some of my history, and it's a task force with the state of Yeah, I mean, somewhat. It's a good interview. It's just just given some of my history. And it's a task force with with the state of Idaho that I got put into. And so at the end of the day, like I told them in the interview when we did it, it's like, you know, 99 percent of people out here. We can we can have religious differences, political differences.

But 99 percent of people mostly agree. Hey, this this guy or gal got to go to jail. You know, a hundred percent of people, even pet, even pedophiles believe that pedophiles should be in jail. So 100%, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, hey, listen, that's what I'm saying. Somebody's got to do this work. And so don't hear me say that people shouldn't do this at all. Let me not be, I'm kind of being a coward.

I'm skirting the issue here. What you would have to do is have a plan in place that is robust, okay? Okay. You would have to say there will be no child – we don't watch shows in the house that have anything to do with – we will never watch Law & Order SVU at home, right? That will never come on here. This will never be entertainment. I will have a counselor that I talked to off book that I will be able to process this with. That sort of evil just makes its way into your life. And so, and for those of you who are listening, I don't realize I'm having an inside baseball conversation here with police officer. When you're are listening, I realize I'm having an inside baseball conversation here with a police officer.

When you're doing investigations, there's all sorts of ways to hide stuff. There's all sorts of ways to put things behind walls. When you find it, part of the job is documenting. Like whenever you see somebody busted for child pornography and they say, hey, there was 750 counts of – somebody had to go through that computer and scroll through every picture and catalog it. And then somebody had to go down this link and chase down that rabbit hole and get into this chat room to try to find that. And so you end up, you cannot be that sort of a plumber and not get cha-cha all over you, right? So it's having a plan that says,

this is how I'm going to stay well in this field. And having some people in your life that you can talk to that's non-therapeutic, but that you're going to go have friends that are not just all police officers. Because that's one of those things, when you do homicide, when you do that, when you do a couple of those fields that is constant carnage, it shifts your bell curve and it makes your world feel like everything is coming down. You know what I mean? Absolutely. And you got two little kids. You'll start eyeballing everybody you see. I do it, man.

And I've not done that level of investigation, man. So, okay. So, let's back out to the other thing. Tell me about your exhaustion. Um, you know, I, I guess my exhaustion just stems from obviously, you know, two kids, your wife, you're taking care of everything. You're trying to, you're trying to be, I guess, be everything to everyone for lack of better terms. I always think of that old Toby Keith song, but anyways. Um, and I think I just, you know, my son,

he had to have heart surgery when he was two years old. So that's what actually shifted us. And I would have never left the agency I was at in Southern California, but that kind of like shifted my perspective. I kept on saying God and my family are the most important, but I was living and breathing the job. And I finally said, you know what? No, I'm done.

We're going to rip the bandaid off. And we moved up here and just wanted to give my kids the best life they could to be, just to be kids, for lack of better terms. And so I think, go ahead. No, you go ahead, man. So, yeah, I think that's just some of the exhaustion stems from all of that. And, but honestly, just, I guess, I talked to a couple of my buddies that I have, you know, that, that we've, we've, you know, we've been through some, some things together. And we always hit the man. I sometimes I just wish I could just go mow lawns, you know,

and go back to just mowing an edge of lawns. And I, and I just get to that point. But then the other side of me kicks in and goes, like, you were just saying somebody who's got to do this, like somebody who's got to protect those kids. Somebody's got to, somebody's got to do the job that we're doing. And I, but I just, I, I, like I said, I just kind of am done. I just get to the point where I'm like, I don't want to do this anymore.

I'd rather run and operate my own business. I have other plans in my head that I think about. And like I said, I just don't know when to say, when do I listen to that versus I just go to work because that's what I was raised to do is you go to work and you work hard. That's right. Well, I think you've boxed yourself into an either or corner that I think's not totally accurate. And so I'm going to walk you through a couple of things.

Number one, if we just, if you and I just are grabbing a drink and eating chips and salsa, I would pull out a piece of paper and I'd just start writing stuff down. And what you've just told me in the last few minutes,

you've been a police officer with the same team for 15 years, and suddenly that's gone. Your son, your two-year-old little boy had heart surgery. So that safety and security and innocence, gone, right? Then you packed up and moved halfway across the country, and moving from Southern California to Idaho, you went from Earth to Mars, right? Absolutely, yeah, absolutely.

It's a little different. You changed. Are you a person of faith? I am. Yes, you changed churches. So I want you to hear me say trauma, trauma, trauma, trauma, all on top of your day job, which is always going into other people's mess.

Are you patrol? Are you at a desk? Are you in patrol? What do you do? Yeah, right now I'm actually a juvenile detective at large. I was on patrol for the last year, and then I just got to that, and then I'll be going to the task force. Okay, cool.

So your exhaustion is well earned. And often what happens is when we get burnt out, burnout is an actual physiological thing. It's your body telling you, I can't go anymore. And we often, when our burnout is an actual physiological thing it's your body telling you i can't go anymore and we often when our body starts doing that we look around at the nearest thing and we start pointing fingers at it often it's a spouse often it's our kids often it's our job and sometimes they're contributors but the main epicenter here is my body and your body has been through the ringer and you're a guy that holds it all together for everybody. At work, in your neighborhood, and in your home.

And I don't know about you, but I'm just trying to picture not only my own heart, but trying to prop my wife up if we were to have that kind of life-threatening surgery with our little boy. You know what I mean? So you've been through a lot. And so I want you to not make decisions based on this current cycle of exhaustion and fatigue, because that stuff's real. And if you can do the healing to heal from some of that, and the healing, that sounds like a cheesy therapy word. That means owning it, processing it, grieving it, understanding that things shouldn't be that way, and then going to make meaning and saying,

hey, here's what comes next. So it's not super complicated. It might take long, but it's not super complicated. It's not like this. You're not going to be sitting in a circle singing kumbaya with people, lighting candles and stuff like that, right? Unless you're into that thing.

Have you gone down the, if you've moved to a new unit and you already getting asked to be on a task force, are you a certificate collector? A certificate as far as like my, the trainings I've been through. Are you an award collector? Yes. I have. Yeah. Yeah. I have, I have a few awards. Are you really good at what you do is what I'm asking Yes, I believe I am I try to be as humble as possible But yeah, I'm good at what I do

Because it's rare that somebody's going to bump Is going to do a lateral And then is instantly going to get moved up like that You know how that goes There's the old boys who have been in line for a long time That tells me you're really good In government work and in education work me you're really good in government work and in education work. If you're really good, usually it's because you just played the path that

was laid before you. And I always thought, why wouldn't you just go do the four things to get this big fancy award? Why wouldn't you just do that? It doesn't make any sense to me. And so then you go get that one and you go get the next one and then you go get the next one. You're like, you mean I just have to do these classes and do this hours of service and this and then I get another award? I'm in for that. And here's what I found. Especially in police work, nursing work, frontline work, education, they just lay the path out to success. And I'm putting success in quotation marks.

What it ends up being is somebody else's path to what success is supposed to look like. All of this is really fancy language to say, you, my brother, have not in a long, long time sat down and asked yourself, what do I need? Because you've just been doing what you're told better than everybody else and getting rewarded for it. And you've been trying to take care of everybody else in your life. And what I need you to hear me say is the best thing for your community,

the best thing for your unit, the best thing for your family is for you to be honest about what you need and go make those things happen and fill the rest in on the backend. That makes a hundred percent sense. And I appreciate that. Is that fair? Yeah, no, it's 100% fair. So I think I've talked about this on the show before. There was one season when my body was done.

I was fried 24-7, 365 for X number of years. My wife and I ended up taking a $70,000 household pay cut and moving to a new city. And I went from a fancy job to a fancy job, but with a much smaller group of people to work with. I had to. I had to throttle it back. And that was a season that, man, I went to more school.

I got more education. I also learned how to write a little bit better, a lot better. I learned how to interact with people. And so I ended up, that was a season of growth for me. It was also a season of healing for me. And so I don't think you guys should take a $70,000 household pay cut or anything like that. I'm just telling you, sometimes there's a season to say, okay, I've been through a lot the last three or four years. Maybe task force isn't the right thing in this moment.

Or maybe getting off for sure off juvie and moving into this so I can settle in and sit at a desk. Yes, it's going to be hard, hard work, but I'm not going to be running the beat for a season and I can heal. Right. And I can go talk to somebody and you have great, I don't mean this in an ugly way. You've got great cover. I, Hey, I'm getting a counselor. I'm going to end up seeing some dark and heavy stuff. And so I'm going to go have some, you've got some cover, right. To go talk to somebody on preemptively. Right. Um, yeah, absolutely. Is there any natural breaks? Are you at 15, 20, or 30? Does your stuff carry over with you?

So I'll actually notice, so the way it works is, I kept my retirement out of Ventura County, and so what I'll do is I'll end up staying out of there, and in 20 years I could pull from it if I want. And then here in Idaho, it's got the rule of 80, so it's a little different.

So I've often thought about that, hey, in three more years, maybe I just pulled a plug and collect that retirement down there. That'll cover the mortgage. And in perspective, my wife and I have been following Ramsey was a prerequisite for us to, before we even got married by our pastor. And so we're in baby steps four, five, and six. Uh, we, you know, I, I, I don't want to say like we're doing well and you know, I'm blessed beyond measure with everything. And that's why I was kind of hesitant to even reach out and call. But my wife actually told me last night before I was going to dinner, she's like, you got to talk to somebody.

She's like, you got some demons in your head. She's like, you need to get that out and just figure out what's going on. I'm like, yeah, you're right. And not in a bad way, but just there's stuff in my head. So I would love for you to get radical about your needs. And I'm really proud of you for listening to your wife.

I didn't for a long, long time. It almost cost me everything. And when she looks at you and says, hey, you're not okay, what she's saying is the man that I love, it hurts me to see you not okay. It's not a judgment. It's not a character assassination. It's her saying, I love you, and it hurts me to see you not okay. It's not a judgment. It's not a character assassination.

It's her saying, I love you, and it hurts me to see you hurt. And so if she's there with you, then, man, you won the lottery with her. And hang on to that one. And I would love for you to get radical about your needs and begin to make that a priority and begin to say, okay, here's what well looks like for me. It's an hour before work. I just got to have it by myself.

And if I can have this hour here and I'm going to go see a counselor once a week and we just, I hate to say this, honey, we got to start eating different. And I'm going to cancel Netflix like the rest of the country. And I'm going to, we're going to start just going for walks as a fit. Like whatever those things are,

I need a week every six months just by myself. I'm going to go hunting on a hunting trip by myself. Whatever it is for you, I want you to be really honest about those needs and I want you to make me a promise here, just me and you. Will you go talk to somebody? Yeah, absolutely.

Professional? Yeah, absolutely. Okay. Your community is going to be better for it and your units are going to be better for it. Those little kids that you're going to be protecting are going to be better for it and your unit is going to be better for it those little kids that you're going to be protecting are going to be better for it and your wife and kids are going to be better for it and most importantly you're going to be better for it

it's like a it's a honor of it's a career honor for me to get to talk to you man because you're doing it right and you've seen a lot of hard stuff and you want to say what's next I would suggest you're not you haven't lot of hard stuff and you want to say what's next. I would suggest you're not, you haven't told me anything about how you want to bail. It feels, you're

telling me, I'm hearing that you're exhausted, not that you're done being a policeman. And I think you can heal. And I think you can create some things in your life where your needs are addressed and your wife's needs are addressed and your kids' needs are addressed that will make you a better police officer. It's just going to be reverse engineering that. It's for the first time in your life saying, what do I need? What do I need? You're worth it, my brother. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes

and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks

with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Diloni to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Hey, don't forget, please keep sharing the show with your friends. Please, if you've read the book and it meant something to you, please give that copy to somebody.

Or if you love it and you've marked it all up, encourage people to buy it. Listen, our show has spiked in a way that I could have never imagined. And it's just, it's just, it's incredible. The continued response is incredible. And so I just want to keep encouraging, keep sharing it. The response on the book, you guys, y'all outdid yourselves, man. It's, I just, I'm so humbled by it. It's unbelievable. So thank you so, so, so, so much for telling folks. And one other funny thing. So, hey, it was James and

Kelly's birthday last week. So, James, there you go. Happy birthday. Kelly, we all went out to dinner, or to lunch. A whole gang of us went out to this favorite spot we have. And I ordered sushi.

And did anybody get a picture of that? Oh, you did? You can tell them, Kelly. So it was actually for my 10th anniversary, and we were all sitting down eating Thai food. It was a wonderful surprise. And John, of course, late, blows in about 10 minutes Some of us work all the time

but it's cool. Sure. We all came from the same place. Order sushi. Everybody else is eating their pad thai or fried rice or whatever and out comes

this ginormous boat. They brought it out in a bathtub. Of sushi. It was ridiculous. It is a huge boat full of sushi and I believe my comment was,

I'm sorry, am I getting too much attention? Hey, John. It was a huge boat full of sushi. And I believe my comment was, I'm sorry, am I getting too much attention? Hey, John, can I have one lunch for myself? I looked at the table and I thought, hmm, everybody's all concerned about Kelly and her big accomplishments and whatever. And then James' birthday. I bet I can one-up this table. I had no idea, man. It was so embarrassing. Even the guy started laughing as he brought it out in a wheelbarrow.

I was like, what are you doing, man? Anyway, there you go. Happy anniversary, birthday, all those things. And cool overalls. Those are cool. I like them. I'm a huge fan. I love my overalls.

I'm a huge fan. I was going to make a Boyz II Men joke, but I'm not going to. All right, let's go to Ann in Salt Lake City. What's up, Ann? Hey, living the dream. How are you, Dr. John? Me too. Me too. Are you a YouTuber also? Because man, it is awesome over here. You're like, no, I've got a real job. Hey, so what's up? How can I help? Hey, so my husband has been bitching and purging to lose weight. How do I talk to him about how dangerous this is to his health, even though all he's seeing is the result and losing weight? Yeah, it's hard because it works, right?

Yeah. So how long has it been going on? He started as kind of a coping mechanism, um, a couple of years ago and we were kind of going through some marriage, um, issues and I didn't realize that he had went back to it once he was getting serious about losing weight. Um, so I would say for the weight, it's been about, I would say four to six months. Is it daily, weekly? How often? Um, I would say bi-weekly. That you know of, right? Yeah, that I know of. When he like feels like he fell off the wagon and you know, he's eating too much that week or whatever, or like I'll bring home pizza cause I want to surprise him. then he'll just go do that and it's yeah

so my oh man I have some questions to ask you but I want to be really careful about how I ask them one is I don't want to set a precedent for for other people listening to the show that these are always appropriate questions in every situation

and I don't want you to hear them ashaming questions. Okay. Is that fair? Yeah. Okay. Absolutely. You brought it up. So if you have a husband who's struggling with disordered eating and he's really working towards a goal, how would a surprise of pizza be helpful or loving for him? It's not. It sounds like a thing that's a surprise for you because I love pizza. I love bringing it home.

It doesn't sound like that is y'all two on the same page for let's do something together for both of us. Is that fair? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Did he wrestle with disordered eating years before? Or body dysmorphia? Is he struggling with his self-image? Or is it just something that he took on when you're...

Did you almost lose your marriage? Yes. Was there infidelity involved? No. No? What happened? We're pretty young and we've only been married five years this year

and so just a lot of growing up to do. Yeah, there you go. We all did it. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, and just some trust issues. Okay. So here's the way forward, I think. I think twofold. Number one, the conversation is not you need to stop doing X, Y, and Z.

All right? When that happens, immediately it's fight or flight. He's under attack. And the ability to hear you is off. The ability to process logically what you're saying is off. The ability to respond you is off. The ability to process logically what you're saying is off. The ability to respond clearly is off, okay? It's all about survival. And sometimes survival is destructive behaviors.

All the time survival is a flow of cortisol and adrenaline that just melts our bodies from the inside out when it's pervasive, okay? My guess is he's been doing that for a long, long time. So the conversation is less about, about hey you got to stop doing this and more here's what i need here's what i and need i need the man that i love to stop killing himself which is what he's doing i need um so so we're not judging his character right he's clearly is what he's doing. I need, so we're not judging his character, right? He's clearly hurting and he's sick

and he's covering up. And I don't think this makes him a bad guy or weak or a coward. I think he's really hurting. Sounds like he's sick. Is that fair? Yep. Have you felt him to be weak

and a coward and just quit doing this? It's disgusting. No. What are you feeling towards him? I'm feeling... I'm feeling scared for him and kind of disappointed in a way.

Because I know some of it is emotional and I don't, a huge, huge, it's emotional. Yeah. Yeah. I, I, I can't like help him or be there for him in the way he needs. I can't lose the weight for him and I can't, you know, like, yeah. That's right. So there's a powerlessness to that, that you have to feel. If you try to avoid that powerlessness, that avoidance comes out in rage and anger and yelling and mean looks. Okay. So own that powerlessness and then divert that energy after you've owned it for a season. And a season is like a day or a couple of days, right? It's not like a year.

And look, unless it may be a year, look at him and know the only thing I can control is Ann. And so what he needs right now is somebody who loves him, probably three or four or five people who love him, who will circle up and say, hey, here's just the data. We love you. And as people who love you, we need you to love yourself as much as we do. We need you to stop killing yourself.

And if you're willing to get well, I'm willing to walk through hell with you, arm in arm, and I'll go with you. I'm prepared to do that because I love you. That's the conversation forward, not, what'd you eat today? Did you have any, did you put sauce on it? That's the, you know what I mean? And especially not bringing pizza home to celebrate. Where does he get, where does he get in mind? And that's not the only thing you bring home, by the way, is it? No. No.

A lot of times when one person in a couple loses weight, the other person resents them because they have to change their life. My wife for a season was really frustrated that she couldn't just keep a bag of cookies in the house. It was annoying for her because she's not the problem. I was. And until she made peace with it, and then she hides stuff from me too, by the way, I find that every once in a while. That's not super healthy, but she ultimately made peace. I love him more than this, than if I need a cookie, I'll go get one. And by the way, I don't need those. You know what I mean?

Yeah. A lot of times when somebody's losing weight, trying to get on this journey, they feel the disdain of their partner and it just spins that shame cycle up more. That not only am I, and I'm saying things, imaginary things, not only am I disgusting, not only am I unhealthy, not only am I not attractive, now I'm also, like, taking away my wife's ability just to enjoy dinner, the dinner that she wants to have. And that cycle of shame sends somebody, you see what I'm saying?

Sends them straight to destructive behaviors. Yep. Would you be willing to go all in with him? Oh, absolutely. Where does he, where does he, did he learn the idea that he needs to lose weight? Just from looking at pictures of himself and he just doesn't feel, he wants to get back to the way he was in high school and yeah. And we have been working out together and trying to eat better together. So what I'll tell you is I've been in this game for 20-something years, and I'm just now signing up for yet another coach.

I can't do it by myself. And he was on the show, my buddy Lane Norton, who's won the—he's set national records for weightlifting, and he's the protein guru. He's entering the nationals again. And by the time this comes out, nationals are probably over. And he got a coach. And so I would tell you, if you're being serious about it, it's time to get some professional help and stop just looking at YouTube clips. And also, your husband's got to go see somebody. And I think that starts with a couple of y'all, people who love him, surrounding him and saying,

hey, we love you enough to tell you that we're watching you kill yourself. And we don't want to watch that anymore. We love you too much. And it's really important for you. I would spend some time writing down, what do you need? How can he help meet your needs and vice versa?

How can you help meet his needs? I think it'd be really important for you to sit down and say, I have not helped and I'm sorry. I'm not going to bring ice cream and cookies and pizza home anymore. Let's get with a coach and get an actual diet plan that's going to work for us. Not a diet plan, but it's just a structured eating, a healthy eating plan moving forward. I think diets are stupid.

Let's get a plan moving forward that we're both going to be on the same page. And there is going to be days we're frustrated. There's going to be days we're annoyed and we're going to keep plugging along, keep plugging along. And he's going to have to deal with the mental health aspect of his disordered eating. Okay. All of that starts with connection. All of that starts with love. All of that starts with a group of people saying, I'm on your team. And that starts with you looking him in the eye and saying, I'm ready to go to hell and back if you are, because I'm in. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel.

Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new home buyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage.

Churchill is a Ramsey-trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their Home Buyer Edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we're back. Let's go to Kay in Tulsa, Oklahoma. What's up, Kay? Not much, how are you? Not much either here. Just bumming around. What's up? How can I help? So, basically, in June 2020, I attempted, you know, I was in the hospital due to an attempt to suicide and it's been two years.

And basically I just, I need some tools kind of to stay motivated and to not hate myself whenever like dark thoughts come back up. Um, and you know, I don't, it's, it's a very, it's just so weird. Like I, you know, I love life and I love my family, but it's so easy for me to get knocked down if there's just any amount of, you know, me feeling anything bad, you know, like anybody hurting my feelings, um, which are super sensitive. It's like, it's like I became a live wire after the incident and the person you know there was a lot of things

that kind of made that happen in June but the main thing was my daughter's dad he moved back into the house because he was working for Halliburton when the oil field kind of laid people off

I told him, you know, you can come back and stay until you get a place. And inside I was, you know, I guess I was hoping for, like, my daughter to have the life that she hadn't had with her parents, really. And it's almost like he moved in to just, like, totally shoot me down. And, yeah. Yeah, there was just a lot of manipulation.

And so whenever I think back on those days leading up to it and being in the hospital for a week and then having to go somewhere else to stay for a week, there's just so much anger that boils up. Like, it was such an injustice because nobody knows, like, you know, what he did or nobody knows, like, the full story. Yeah. And, um... Why does it matter that somebody else knows? Um, I don't know. So, as I'm...

I have, like, I have... Huh? As I'm hearing you talk, the question that keeps coming to my mind is, somebody somewhere, maybe multiple people, who told you that your feelings don't matter? Or who told you that your space is burdensome? That just you being around is annoying? Who told you that? Was is burdensome? That just you being around is annoying?

Who told you that? Was that your parents? Myself. No, but that came from somewhere. Did you get that from your family? Did you get that from cousins or uncles? A little bit. A little bit.

My family, mostly my mom's five and my grandmother, they all really, really struggle with depression. And so I don't know, this kind of sounds weird. I've always tried to be like the strong one, you know, and like keep everything good and happy. And then that happened. And, you know, my mom, she already struggled with depression and she just, it made it so much worse.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. You didn't make it so much worse. You didn't. You don't have that kind of power. You don't have that kind of influence. Your mom's body is your mom's body. And it contains a cocktail of genetics. And depression is genetic.

And it contains a cocktail of whether she's gone to see a professional and she's on medication. She's taking care of herself and in therapy. And she's moving her body and exercising and all the things. Life happens. And we all have a series of genetics we were born with and then we have a series of choices that we make every single day and when someone's struggling with heavy depression and you you okay you deal in the black hole right you know what i'm talking about yeah it's like uh being at the beach and all of a sudden that water, you can't touch all of a sudden, right?

Yeah, yeah. And most people are like, I'm depressed. Okay, you know what that's actually like. And what you can't do when you find yourself at the beach, you can't just suddenly get taller, right? You can't just, your legs can't just shoot up and suddenly you can touch the bottom. And you can't just suddenly be a stronger swimmer, right? That takes years just, your legs can't just shoot up and suddenly you can touch the bottom and you can't just suddenly be a stronger swimmer, right? That takes years of practice on the back end.

And you can't suddenly just have a body like Michael Phelps. That's genetic. He just got that body that he was born a human fish, right? Here's what you can do. You can say help and people will come. And somebody along the way told you,

you're not worthy of saying the words help, please. And listen to me. I'm sorry that nobody told you that because you're worth that. Okay. There's a difference between guilt and shame I don't think you're experiencing guilt guilt is I did something that I regret

or that violates my core value and so let's say you grew up around a lot of people with depression who are always attempting suicide and you said I'll never do that and then one night you found yourself in a dark hole and it happened and you feel quote unquote guilty. Imagine yourself picking up a brick and you're holding that thing.

That's guilt. When you unzip your backpack and put that brick back there and carry it, that's shame. It's the difference between I did something and I am something. And you have given yourself a label of somebody who does these kinds of things. I don't buy it for a second. I think you're about strength and I think you're about bravery and I think you were hurting so bad and you had a gift because you got to step back from the brink. That's what I think. And then whenever I woke up,

it was such like a feeling of wow, you know. I tried to explain it to like, you know, my boyfriend and it just doesn't come out well. No, it's an out-of-body experience, right? Yeah, I just, you know. It's like not real. Does it feel like, yeah, it's like looking, it's like watching a movie with like a blanket in front of it. It's like you can kind of see it, but it just feels weird, right?

Yeah, so there was such, there was a feeling whenever I woke up that was just like so beautiful. Like nobody can touch me like I have me and I will always have me. Yes. And that, you know, money. I was so worried about money. Like things don't, those things just don't matter. And it's been two years, and I try to, like, find that feeling again. Yes.

And it's getting more distant. Yeah, yeah, you're chasing ghosts there. That feeling isn't external. That feeling comes from inside you. Mm-hmm. Okay? If you go chasing a feeling, that's heroin, right? That's chasing, that's just chasing the ghost, man.

That's not where you're going to find that. You're going to find it from the inside out. So listen to me. One of the cornerstones of depression is I hurt, and my hurt is my fault, and it will always be this way. Yeah. And I'm telling you, if you'll put the work. And it will always be this way. Yeah. And I'm telling you, if you'll put the work in, it will not be. Yeah. And nobody's told you this.

You're worth the work, Kay. Okay? Thank you. Do you believe that? Yeah. Yeah. I mean. So listen, who you are is beautiful.

Who you are is strong. And who you are is brave. And here's how I can say that. Because 99% of the people have no idea the octopus tentacles that have you around the ankles sometimes wanting to pull you underwater, right? And you just look like a sweet old mama going to the grocery store to get some milk and bread. And God, these prices are so expensive and nobody knows how hard that next step after the next step after the next step is, right? Yeah. So here's what bravery looks like. Are you seeing somebody?

Yeah. Yeah. I think it's been like a year and a half now. Are you on medication? We'll be cheering you. Okay. It may be time to go get those checked out. Yeah. I need to find an actual counselor.

That's one thing that he pushes me towards. I had one for two years during the accident. And she didn't ask anything like, you know, that she should have like about my childhood, like where things kind of started. And she basically anytime I brought up that things were still sticking to me and I couldn't deal with it properly, she would just tell me, get over it. It's a day-to-day.

Thanks, man. Like, no way. I hadn't thought of that. Okay, just get over it. So listen, if you took your car to get an oil change and they didn't put the plug back in, all the oil drained all over the ground. And they went to squeegee your window and the pad was off and it just raked like across your windows and cut into your window. And then the guy just spit on the windshield. Okay. Right. And then the guy just spit on the windshield. Okay.

Right. And then you drove off. Would you, would you, listen, listen, would you never get your oil changed again? No,

of course you wouldn't. You'd have to, you just wouldn't get it done there. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So you have to go talk to a counselor. You need to go back to your psychiatrist or your PCP and get your meds adjusted.

And you've got to go talk to a counselor. Please. Do you promise me? I will. I promise. I will. That was my plan still. One thing I do want to ask you.

Yep. I had serotonin syndrome and it took like, apparently it took the doctors a while to figure out that I had that because it's so rare. Serotonin syndrome? Yeah, serotonin syndrome.

I've never even heard of that. Is that a serotonin deficiency? I know, right? No, it's where you have too much serotonin in your body. Yeah. They had to induce me into a coma because my i could my whole body was jerking like it you know serotonin has a lot to do with your nerves so

if it's overloaded like okay yeah so um anyway um my doctor he at first took me on SSRIs. That just floods the thing even more. Yeah, I know. And I waited because I was on one thing, and I was having seizures afterwards for like six months until I guess my system leveled out. Okay. Because they weren't able to pump my stomach or anything. It had already been too long. But so the SSRIs, whenever I take them now, that's why I'm on Lebutrin. It's like I feel it too much, you know?

Like I'm too sensitive to anything serotonin. Okay. So there's some incredible therapeutic techniques for handling feelings. There's some incredible therapeutic techniques for handling feelings. There's REBT. There is, I think it's CEBT. There's several different things that usually they use with folks who are struggling with borderline personality disorder. Where the feelings, and I'm not saying that's what you have.

It was designed for that. But that may be a place to start. And what it does is it teaches you, here's what my feelings are doing to my body. And let me weave through that jungle and find reality. Or even though my reality feels this strong, here's how the rest of the world is feeling that same thing. Yeah. And you learn to, it's almost like running on prosthetics, right?

You're taking a step and your body feels that you weren't all the way on the ground, but your body's still held up right. Okay? You learn to adapt with to your feelings to a less, a non-feeling world basically but listen all of that is um you getting with somebody that you trust

and the next time you were the counselor i want you to take the lead when you get there okay here's what that's like stop carrying shame around. I will join your other therapist in that. Okay? Yeah. You are not a failure. You're not a lunatic. You're not a loser. Do you believe me?

Yeah, I do. I want you to clip that and make it your ringtone. Don't make it your ringtone. That'd be super weird. Okay? But listen, you're not. Did you try to take your life? Yes, you did. That happened. I'm going to own that. It happened. Yeah. Okay. But listen, you're not. Did you try to take your life? Yes, you did. That happened. I'm going to own that. It happened. Yeah. There was a cocktail of things that

happened. By the way, I don't think it was just that one event. I think there was an entire season, right? And you get an entire picture that it wasn't going to come true. So I'm going to create a new identity. That is is I'm somebody who's going to live and not just have breath I'm going to be somebody who has joy and laughter and rambunctious intimacy with my spouse and I'm going to be the

I'm going to live and so then I'm going to have to go do the things that help me to live and if you have a generational generational depression then I'm going to have to go do the things that help me to live. And if you have a generational, um, uh, generational depression that goes,

that you can look back lineage, then you're probably going to need medication. And that's fantastic. What an age that we live in when somebody in your situation can get help. Okay. You're going to have to take it. You're gonna have to go. You're going to have to go sit down with a counselor and look at the counselor and say,

Hey, I'm going to start the meeting off. I've got this much abuse and trauma in my childhood. I've been impatient because I try to take my life. How many kids do you have? Just one. I've got one beautiful little kid. I've got a knuckleheaded boyfriend I'm trying to figure out.

And I need help with all of it. But I especially need help with the depression and the suicidal ideation. I need you to be that clear. You hedge your bets. If you go back and listen to this, when you told me about what happened, you told me from a position of shame. And I want you to begin to tell the story

from a position of ownership. This happened. And look at me now. Yeah. Okay. That feeling you said that you felt when you opened your eyes, it's pretty common. There's some really remarkable research

that people who try to take their life off the Golden Gate Bridge, I think it is, people who lived, 90-something percent of them went on to live their life. What that tells me is they didn't really want to go down that hole when they jumped. No, no.

Same with you? Yeah, I put it in that email. That's the one thing I really struggle with is whenever I woke up, I couldn't believe I had done that. Then I kind of remembered what had happened. I remember that night when it was happening, it was like I was in the back of my head yelling at myself, don't do that.

That's right. I was in so much pain. I really just wanted to wait. Wanted to stop. That's right. Most of the people I've met with over the years in a similar situation have said those exact words i didn't want to die i just wanted this hurt to stop and you've heard the colloquial it's like a pinterest quote but it's like a permanent solution to a temporary pain right literally and so here listen somebody told you that that voice didn't count and i'm telling you it does that voice in the back saying don't do it don't let this guy move in here

don't take one more pill don't pull that trigger that voice matters because that's your voice. Fair? So, I'll say it one more time. Who you are is beautiful and who you are is strong and who you are is brave even when you don't feel like it. And the next bravest thing you can do is make that phone call to a counselor and say, today's the day. Let them know what happened with your last counselor. Right? If I wouldn't have got my oil changed, I would tell them, hey, last time I got

my oil changed, dude spit at me and scratched my car up. Please don't do that. I would do that same thing, right? Yo, yo. Okay.

Hey. I love you. My life is better because you're still here. My kid's life is better because you're still here. Your kid's life is better because you're still here. My kid's life is better because you're still here. Your kid's life is better because you're still here. Your community's life is better because you're still here. And I want you to never, ever forget,

you are not a burden. The people in your life, their life is better because you're in it. And you're worth being well. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You're a brave, brave young woman. I can't wait to see those pictures of that wedding. We'll see you soon. Be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you.

So you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, hey, we just got an email during the show. Jenna got an email from Elizabeth, who if you remember from a few episodes back was struggling with using marijuana all the time, right? It started out as coping strategies

and a way to get off alcohol. And now she is fullown, can't stop. But she wrote us to let us know she is nine days clean. Nine days sober, dude, so we are celebrating you. That is incredible, Elizabeth. We're super proud of you, man. It's awesome. Awesome.

Nine days. Nine days becomes 10 days, becomes two months, becomes 10 years. I'm so proud of you. Good for you. As we wrap up today's show, in honor of Kelly's overalls, not her dance moves, her overalls, and probably her senior prom, songs by Boyz II Men.

It's called, It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday. How do I say goodbye to what we had? The good times that made us laugh, outweigh the bad? I thought we'd get to see forever, but forever's gone away. You have to be a pretty poor high school student to see forever. So hard to say goodbye to yesterday. And I don't know where this road is going to lead. All I know is where we've been, what we've been through. If we get to see tomorrow, I hope it's worth all the wait.

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. It's also hard to say goodbye to you. We'll see you soon. Coming up on the next episode. My last clinical, which is like an internship, was with this really great psychiatrist. Finished clinical. A couple days later, he sends me this long-winded message

about how he has feelings for me, which I do not have for him. Can I go ahead and still take a job? I have an interview at the end of the month at the same clinic. It's not his clinic, but he works there. I'm so sorry that you got put in this position. I'm kind of angry about it. Hey, listen, be super angry about it. Be furious about it because I'm pissed. I just found out that my daughter is stripping and I don't know what to do.

This is going to sound different than the answer I would normally give, but I'd go get my kid. I want her to come home. I don't think she'll want to come home. I want her to know mom fought for her. Right.