The Dr. John Delony Show - I’m an Overworked, Over-Needed, Exhausted Mom

Episode Date: April 1, 2022

In today’s show, we hear from a woman reeling after her husband of 20 years announced he no longer loves her, a teacher struggling with crippling anxiety at work, and an exhausted mom who needs some space. My husband told me he doesn’t love me anymore I’m a high school teacher dealing with overwhelming anxiety I feel exhausted trying to meet the needs of my husband and kids Lyrics of the Day: "Your Body Is A Wonderland" - John Mayer Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Our commitment of marriage has kept us going until a couple weeks ago. He blindsided me and told me that he doesn't love me, doesn't know if he ever did, and he is tired of being the pillar of my life. You're worth more than all of this. Hey, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad you're with us.

James, I know we're going to talk about this at the end. Ha ha ha! America, how do you like these apples? U.S. recorded music sales, volumes by format. For the first time in almost two decades, in 2021, according to data published by Recording Industry Art Association of America, shipments of CDs rose from 31 million to 47 million. Suckers. CDs are coming back.

And Ben, you don't know what a CD is. It's a small disc that has music contained on it. It's incredible. And earlier, so inside baseball, there was something I needed James to send me right when I started the show. And I said, hey, can you burn this onto a CD for me? And I was in a room full of engineers and young audio folks.

And they looked at me like, hey, James, you take your shirt off and just dance for a minute. That was basically the same question. They had no idea what I was talking about. And even he was like, you want me to what? I have since then bought a CD burner. I know. It's like buying a covered wagon to take your parents to the marketplace with

or something like that. But hey, man, CDs are coming back. Told you. Told y'all, you with your little subscriptions. And by the way, I'm glad you have subscriptions.

That's probably how you're listening to this show. If you want to be on this show, give me a shout at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. We're talking about mental health, relationships, school, anything that's going on in your life. So glad that you're with us. Let's go to Heather in St. Paul. What's up, Heather?

Hi, hello. Hello. Hi. You know, thank you for the lighthearted CD talk. That was, I appreciate it Do you buy CDs? I mean, I haven't in 15 years, but Thanks for kicking me while I'm down, Heather

Apparently a little star, right? Why don't you call one of those newfangled shows That probably have, is it the MP3s? Or no, they stream it now So what's up? Alright, can I give you a little backstory first? Absolutely. All right.

So my husband and I have been together for 20 years. Okay. We have an eight-year-old son. We have walked through infidelity, job losses, addiction, miscarriages, and my mental health issues of anxiety, depression. Okay. And our commitment of marriage has kept us going until a couple weeks ago, he blindsided me and told me that he doesn't love me, doesn't know if he ever did.

Okay. And he is tired of being the pillar of my life. He's refusing any counseling. He's only surrounding himself with people that he's known for less than a year. He says that he's excited to move out and get a motorcycle and have space to spend time with our son, which I'm calling all the BS. Yep. But I can't be the one to call him out on it. Okay.

So how do I help him and how do I minimize the tornado of damage that is coming my way and my son's way? I'm sorry, Heather. Me too.

How long have y'all been together? I'm shattered. How old are you long I'm shattered how old are you I'm 37 37 man I was 17 yeah I was gonna say

y'all been married for a long time why'd you get married to you well we didn't get married we've been together for 20 years okay married for 15 okay alright phew man

so there's a lot, lot here. You and I could probably spend a couple hours together, I'm guessing, right? Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot. Yeah. So can I be super truthful? Absolutely.

Painfully so? Yeah. Okay. I'm going to answer your question and we're going to work backwards together. The reason I don't like to do that is when I answer your question, I'm afraid your body, not you, but your body is going to shut off listening to anything else I say. Well, I'm used to that. So, yeah. I'll try to stay with you.

Stay with me. Okay. And if that means that you just nod and say, cool, great, good, which has probably been part of your survival techniques the last 20, 30 years. You can just go back and listen to the recording of this. Okay. Okay. To answer your question, there is 100% absolutely nothing you can do to convince your husband to do things differently. Yeah. Zero. You don't have that power.

Hopefully, that is both terrifying and an immense relief. Because it's not a mad... Him leaving him, departing him, running away is about him, not you. Okay. He will make you the bad guy. The same way when there's economic crisis in countries, countries rally up and point at somebody or some group or some other country as the reason. He has to have somebody to blame for running.

And you are that person. Yeah. somebody to blame for running and you are that person yeah you were you're a partner with him you're a romantic partner so there's all kinds of variables and this isn't that but when he cheated on you it was about him not you when he had addiction challenges those Those were about him, not things that you weren't doing. You get what I'm saying? 100%. And so the great Esther Perel says most infidelity happens because someone doesn't like who they have become inside of this relationship,

not because my partner's gained weight or isn't pretty or whatever. I don't like who I have become in this. And so I'm going to go find that energy, that electricity somewhere else because I don't like me. And that's what addiction is. That's what infidelity is. And now you're telling me this is this midlife crisis. I'm just going to shake the snow globe up and I got to go. I got to, I don't like who I am. In fact, I hate who I am and I'm blaming you. And that's going to be my ticket out the door because I can't just stand up and say, I need a break.

I can't stand up and say, I hate my job. I hate who I've become. I am not exercising. I'm not lifting weights. I'm not taking care of my mental health. I don't have relationships. All my friends have, I've cut off. am not exercising. I'm not lifting weights. I'm not taking care of my mental health. I don't have relationships. All my friends I've caught up. He can't say that stuff out loud.

That takes a level of strength and bravery he doesn't have. Yeah. And so, and hear me say, his feelings, his fear, his terror inside of him, that is 100% real. He feels the existential clock ticking loudly. So loud he can't sleep. My guess is he's got demons that are his entire lifetime old.

Is that fair? Yeah. He's been running from himself for a long time. So, you can't change that. And I hate that for you because your life is his life and his life is your life. And you have a sweet, beautiful eight-year-old. Tell me about this eight-year-old.

He is the most wonderful little guy. He is empathetic and loving and wants everybody in the room to light up. And he dances through life, and I never want him to stop doing that. Yeah. So he will. This is going to be hard. This is going to be very hard for him. Yes.

And you can't absorb this for him. You can hold his hand through it. And do you get the difference there? Yeah. I'll give you a really extreme example. I may have even given this on the show. I was walking somebody through a situation where it was somebody who's close to me. Their girlfriend had a son.

Sorry. So this kind of removed the son did some terrible, terrible things. And the question was, do we get a lawyer and go through all this and try to reduce sentence and get this guy off? And I said, I don't want this human on the street because I have kids.

And my friend said, you're exactly right. I'm a hundred percent with you. What do I tell this grieving mother? And what I ultimately said was, you can't keep him out of court. You can't keep him out of this process, but you can hold his hand during the sessions. That's what a mother can do. And so in a sideways analogy here, circling back to you, your son is going to have a dad who leaves.

And that's going to put you in that category you know what i mean yeah and that like just being in that oh i'm one of those couple families now like that we're that we're dead left and because i was because the wife was too much that story we've heard it's a cliche at this point that's y'all now and he's gonna have to experience what happens when a dad walks out. And dad says, we're going to spend tons of time together, buddy. They're not. I know. Dad's going to get into his motorcycle and his new friends and his new club until he falls off whatever wagon he's climbed up on.

And you know that. And my guess is if he's struggled with infidelity and with dishonesty and he is, I mean, with infidelity and with addiction, he's probably a world-class liar. Is he good at that too? No, he's a terrible liar, but. He gives it a world-class effort maybe? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

So you can't shield your son from the fact that his dad's about to walk out on him and his mother. The hardest part is for 20 years, I have been trying to protect this thing. And it's like it's all imploding right now. And I have no control. Yeah. no anything. That's right. And the quicker you can exhale and say, okay, what about this can I control? And what about this can I not control?

The quicker you move there, the quicker your feet, you know, you've ever been to the beach and you get washed out and you can't touch and you can't touch. And suddenly you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You just have to panic a little bit. And then you find footing, even though the water's up to your neck, you find footing and you just go, okay, that's the moment you say, okay, I'm going to start trying to control what I can control here. I'm going to let the rest of this nonsense go. Cool. So I got this from my friend, Dave Ramsey. He says, the moment somebody says, I'm divorcing you, I'm out. This is no longer a relationship. This is now a business transaction. Yeah. And I will, as a part of a business transaction, protect my interests, which include my child. Yeah. And so this is the moment when that old awful saying,

you may be through the past, but the past isn't through with you. This is when the conversations about your infidelity and your financial infidelity and your abusive behaviors and your addictions, all that, it becomes part of the narrative that I'm going to use to protect my child. Yeah. Right? Nothing personal. You said we're done. Great. Now, I'm moving forward with that new information. And so,

do you weaponize somebody's past? No. But you do use the facts available to you for the safety of your kids. So, where do you find yourself? You can't control him, his decision to leave, his decision to pull the plug on your marriage. And can we be honest for a second? Yeah. Your marriage has been trouble for a long, long time, right? Yeah, just band-aids over band-aids over band-aids. That's right.

So in some regards, he's just throwing the lights on on this thing, right? Yeah. And some of it... I told him he had the courage to do what I couldn't. There you go. There you go. And so in that regard, fair enough. Whether it's your...

There's probably a lot of chicken or egg here. Whether your mental illness led to he thinks to this or the fact that you've been sharing a bed with somebody that you were 10,000 miles away from spiritually and intellectually and psychologically contributes to that mania and that pervasive feeling that you're not enough and that just low level depression that runs through your veins, right? When you're in a relationship with somebody, but you can't figure out how to bridge that gap. Those things feed each other, right? So here you are, the lights are on, great.

I can't stop you from leaving. Here's what your life will look like when you leave. And then you get to decide. I'm not gonna put this stuff into your heart and mind. You get to decide what that is. That's what you can control. You can control whether you decide to go see a counselor starting today. You can decide whether you say, I'm going to be about exercising every day, even if it's just strolling for a walk.

I am going to triple down on skin-to-skin contact with my eight-year-old three times a day, four times a day. Not in a, i need him to prop me up but in a this is going to heal him and heal us both right this is just a way i'm going to settle him down you get to decide those things i'm going to get all the little debbie snack cakes out of the house and i'm going to eat well even if i want to throw this salad across the house like i'm going to do the things that i need to do to stay well. Because the next season is going to be a mess. Yeah.

That's what you can control. And those are the basics. I knew you were going to say it was me. I mean, it's it. That's all you can do, right? I know. I know. There's not a song you haven't sung. There's not a bar class that you could have gone to. There's not some song you haven't sung. There's not a bar class that you could have gone to.

There's not some crazy acrobatic thing in bed you didn't try. It's not that. He's choosing to leave. Because he's got demons chasing him. And I'm so... You can love him. But until he decides he's gonna help him um he's gonna just keep running

yeah and running and running and running I'm heartbroken for you and at the same time at the same time there could be a bright light on the other end of this thing. You know why? You're worth more than all of this.

All of it. You're worth more than the infidelity. You're worth more than looking in the mirror and thinking you're not attractive enough. You're worthy of knowing where the money is in your home. You're worthy of not wondering if he's coming home and if he's coming home and who's these new people and a motorcycle. What you're worth more than all of that. Yeah,

I am. You are. Can I tell you one word? I want you to keep in your mind. Yeah. You've heard me say it before. I'll say it a million more times. You got to practice.

You're going to have to practice loving Heather. Cause you haven't, you've been trying to practice loving Heather because you haven't. You've been trying to hang on for so long. Yeah. Will you practice that? Absolutely. Practice the way you think, practice the way you talk, practice all of it. So hang on the line.

I'm going to send you a copy of it. It's just, it'll be out very, very soon of my new book on your past. Change your future. Here's the thing is it's going to walk you through how to deal with the last 20 years, the last 30 years probably, and then it's going to give you us, like here's what we do now. And the book's not preaching at you. It's just me walking alongside you because I've been in a hole too.

Okay? I'm going to send you a free copy of that. You going to make a phone call today to somebody? I will. Okay. I'm going to send you a free copy of that. You're going to make a phone call today to somebody. I will. Okay. You got to have somebody one, two, three, seven. You got to have people who walk with you in the season. I will. The waters will get rough and you'll be able to touch. Yeah. And thank you so much. Hug that little boy a little extra tight just for me. I will, I will. Okay.

Yes. Hey, your bravery and your strength and your willingness just to say, what do I do? There are millions of people in relationships that are on the brink saying, how do I get them to? How do I get him to? how do I get him to, how do I get her to? Your bravery to have this conversation today is going to help a lot of people out there. Thank you so, so, so much.

Check back in with us because I want to hear how this one plays out. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season.

And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're

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Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. Hey, we are back. Let's go to Mary Mary in Scarborough. What's up, Mary? How we doing? I'm good.

How are you, Dr. John? Rocking on to the break of dawn. What's up? Well, thank you so much for taking my call Of course I'm a new teacher at a public high school When did you start that job? About two years now, two and a half

Oh, no Okay, go ahead Just in time for That's like becoming a house framer as the hurricane hits land. Yeah, it's been pretty crazy. Understatement. So I've been struggling with anxiety. During the school day, I'm having, I guess, what you would call a panic attack,

body shaking, having a hard time breathing. And I just want to continue teaching because I do enjoy it, but it's affecting me so much in my personal life and just my physical well-being that my question is, how can I find that healthy balance of, you know, being an engaged teacher focused on kids while also not facing burnout? Oh man, what a great call. And can I just give you a little bit of light in your day? The fact that you were just able to do something that it takes many of us, myself included, years of counseling and work to do. You were able to pull apart what you're passionate about, what you love, what you see yourself doing as a career,

and the fact that your body has taken off on you. And most of us jumble all that together, and then we try to just do life with duct tape and Netflix. And your ability to pull those apart sets you so far down the road. Like, it's exciting for me to talk to you, Mary. It's awesome. So, when your body starts, like, doing what it does, when it starts shaking, your stomach gets that warm feeling, you know? I don't know.

It's like somebody puts a backpack on, like a weighted vest, but it's inside. It's in like you're in your body. You know what I mean? Yeah. It drags. You're dragging your guts down, but they're not going anywhere. What's happening? What's making it set off like that?

Well, there's different levels, I guess. Like, you know, there's the morning where I'm just panicking that the lesson plans go accordingly and that everything goes well. But then there's also more severe things like, you know, aggressive students that made a verbal threat the previous day. And I'm nervous about seeing them in the hallway. Just from everything from the teaching, but also teaching has kind of been secondary lately because it's just more behavior and helping students social emotionally and worrying for them and their safety. There we go.

Yeah. All right. So I'm going to free you from something and I'm going to be the bad guy here too, okay? You cannot heal all of these students. You're carrying too much. And I don't even go as far to say as you're not equipped or even trained to take care of all of the mental health challenges and the physical health challenges

and the behavioral health challenges that your kids are bringing to the classroom every day. And I also know there's not always a lot of options for a teacher. But you are carrying stuff because you're an incredible, lovely, caring human being. And I have been there. And it was a revelation to me when I realized, oh, that's not my job. I can't do that. I can be a voice.

I can be an ear. I can be a presence. But I can't be your therapist. I can't be your social worker. I can't be your behavioral interventionist. I can't be your ADA support network. I can't be any of those things. I can point you to the right person, but my job is to teach chemistry. My job is to teach whatever and to show up and look you in the eye and make sure you know I love you. That's what I can bring you. And when you start letting go of some of those other responsibilities, right now your body's rattling on you. So think about like you have like a Toyota Corolla and you're trying to move in the Corolla.

And so you have every, your couch is on top of that thing, and your dog is in there, and all of your clothes. And the car is just rattling down the highway. It can't go anymore because you've got too much weight on it. And so I want you to think about the things you're carrying that isn't within the bounds of what your job is to be carrying. One of those is fearing for your safety. You should not go to work every day scared that someone's going to hurt you. Is that a real fear or is that one that is just a new teacher fear and I'm carrying it a little bit heavier than I probably need to be?

A little bit of both. You know, like there'll be periods of time where, you know, I have a particular student that I'm just having a hard time getting through to, and, you know, they kind of lash out. But then there's also just fears of, you know, school shootings happening and, like, not feeling the school is doing enough for security and to keep us all safe. Yeah. So if you're not safe, don't work there.

If there are violent students, then you're not being backed up. You need to get yourself out of there. Okay. What about the kids? Do what? I just feel like I'd be like the kids are then left behind and I just

feel like I shouldn't abandon the students. Your heart's incredible but you drowning is not going to help students. Or Your heart's incredible, but you drowning is not going to help students. Or you ringing the bell on a school that's not protecting its teachers or its students, maybe you can go that route. But what I'm hearing you say is, I'm not going to stop and put on my oxygen mask first because these kids are going to be missing their air.

And what happens when that goes down is everybody loses. Your kids will not benefit. They won't be more. Your kids can only be as well as you are. You can't give them what you don't have. You can't give them peace in their life if your body is so anxious that you're having to go out in the hallway

to catch your breath. And I know that sounds counterintuitive. I've been there. I got hit in the face at my first year of teaching. The first week of my first year of teaching. And they weren't trying to hit me. They're trying to hit somebody else.

And it winged me right in the head. And so I was like, oh, is this how this roll? Like, is this how this goes? I've been there. Somebody hit me in the face and I had a team

I had a group of professionals that really took care of my classroom took care of me took care of the whole situation and so I never felt that lack of safety I'm also a big guy so I know that's totally different too how are you taking care of you you? I try to go on walks every day and try to do some meditating in the morning before going to work. There's something else here. What is it? What am I missing?

This is deeper than burnout. I guess I kind of... You know, I have my own personal trauma as a kid. And I didn't really acknowledge them until I started teaching where you meet students that have similar trauma and you're just kind of being yourself.

Will you tell me about what you went through? Just emotional and sexual abuse. I'm so sorry. For my dad. Oh, man. And so you're the catcher in the rye now.

You're standing at the edge of the cliff that you got shoved off of and you're making sure that none of these little kids get shoved off too yeah man that's so much to carry to work every day Mary it's so much to carry to work every day Mary it's so much to carry to bed every day

oh man I'm so sorry thank you for being brave and sharing that with me so here's your path forward okay yeah Thank you for being brave and sharing that with me. So here's your path forward, okay? Yeah. Path forward number one is I want you to get the book by the Nagatsuki sisters called Burnout. It's beautiful and it's brilliant and it's written for women, okay? I read it.

I love it. I give it to men all the time, but it's specifically for working women. Okay. One of the cornerstones of the book is once your body kicks off a process, a fight or flight response, there are some things you have to do in order to be okay. Wellness is a verb, not a place. It's not a thing you get to. It's a thing that you do. And I talk to leaders all over the country. I talk to teachers all over the country.

I talk to medical professionals, lawyers, whoever. And I tell them over and over and over again, your clients can't be okay if you're not okay. The people you're operating on can't be okay if you're not okay. The people you're operating on can't be okay if you're not okay. And what I'll tell you is the best gift you could give your students is to get them in touch with professionals and for you to say, I'm worth being well. And it sounds counterintuitive

because it's going to feel like you're letting go of the rope and you've been holding onto that rope for a long, long time, right? Yeah. Real, real tight too. Can you do that? Yeah. Do you need to take a break from teaching for a season and get well and then come back? Probably. I do look for other jobs

on a daily basis. I mean, maybe. I try to quit every day, but maybe. Yeah. So there'll be two things about that if you go get another job. Number one, the smoke will clear a little bit. But you'll go with you. Yeah.

Have you ever seen a trauma counselor? Have you ever addressed what happened to you as a kid? I tried to go to counseling twice, and I didn't further pursue it. Okay. Because it was hard and you didn't want to go down the rabbit hole or because it was just you didn't get a good therapist? Not a great

therapist. Okay. Do me a favor and go back and find somebody new. You're so worth that. Oh my gosh, you're so worth that. And there will be a classroom full of young people that your kids benefit from you being there every day don't get me wrong like they are they won the lottery with you as a teacher um but there's going to be a group of students you

stand in front of in a year or two and you're going to be completely well are you going to be on the road to well you're going to be living a well life let me put it that way that doesn. Let me put it that way. That doesn't mean you don't have flashbacks. It doesn't mean you don't have hard, hard days. That doesn't mean you have days you can't get out of bed. It doesn't mean any of that, but it means on most days you do. And their entire family tree is going to be different because they got to interact with Miss Mary. They got to go to class with Miss Mary and they may not remember. I don't even, what do you teach? What's your subject?

Math and science. Okay. Yeah, I just picked chemistry out of the air. Way to go, Delaney. Like they may not remember chlorophyll and they may not remember, you know, the Pythagorean theorem, but they're going to remember

that teacher cared about me. That they are worth being loved. And their parents didn't show them that. In fact, they had some dad that really hurt them bad. But Miss Mary cared about me. And what's a mole? 10 times X to the

62 or something like that? I don't remember. Is that it? You're almost there, yeah. Told you guys I'm a genius. James and Kelly think I'm dumb. Way to go. You made me feel good, Mary. You hear what I'm saying?

So here's the path forward. If you screw up a lesson plan, what happens? Are you asking me? Yes. I'll answer for you. Nothing. Nothing. If you blow a lesson plan in 2022, your students go, and then you pivot and you do something else. So every day you come to school as though this lesson plan is for the Super Bowl. It's not. So plan, set it up, and if it goes sideways, cool.

We're on to the next. Teachers have been forced to live and die by this lesson plan for the last 25 years, 30 years, when it became the Bible. We're done with that now. Breathe. If a kid mouths off to you, and especially kids mouth off, and they're scared and terrified too. If a kid mouths off to you now and says something like, I'm going to hurt you, then you go to the administration first via email and then in person. So it's in writing. And you say, this student has threatened me. They are not welcome back in my class. Until there's some sort of remedy there. And then it's their job to make sure that kid is safe and

that you are safe and the rest of your class is safe. The data on school shootings is virtually never. Yeah. Virtually never. It's possible, of course. Virtually never. Way more likely to get in a car wreck on the way to school than that. Way, way, way, way.

A thousand times more. Did I just give you something else to worry about? Way to go, Deloney. Idiot. I want you to take care of your mental health. I want you to take care of your physical health. I want you to have friends. I want you to laugh.

I want you to go to happy hour with a group of complaining teachers again. I want you to, I don't know, go to the teacher lounge and just roll your eye. I want you to get your life back Is that cool Yeah You're worth getting your life back and you don't have to quit by the way. I threw that out there Usually as a test question when I say, maybe you need to leave. And people are like, no. Then I know where their heart is. Yours was, yeah, I may be. So go with what's right for you right now. And it might be, I need to take a season off. I've been there.

It's all right. It's cool. Or maybe you need a summer because this has been two years of holy smokes. And this isn't the whole teaching field. I promise, promise, promise, Mary. You just started in the middle of, but you can't give your kids what you don't have. And so I'm giving you full 1000% permission as a former high school teacher and as a guy who pretends to be a mental health guy on the radio, on a podcast.

You've got permission to take care of you for a season. Okay? Okay. You believe me? Yes. You're so great. All right. Hang on the line.

I'm going to do a couple of things for you. I'm going to get you hooked up with... I'm going to give you one too. I'm going to send you a copy of the new book also. It sounds like this is like a book promotional show. It's just not. We just had two calls right in a row. It's going to give you a roadmap out of this thing, okay?

It's also going to walk alongside you as you deal with the front end of this deal. What happened and then what comes next, okay? But it will give you some language to take to a counselor. It's going to give you a roadmap out and you can hold on to it. You're not going to be anchorless. Is that cool?

Yep. Thank you so much. Do you have a friend in your life you trust? I have a sister. Nope. She doesn't count. So do you have a friend? No.

No? Does your sister know about your abuse? We related to a little bit of some stuff, yeah. Grief demands a witness. So here's your homework assignment. Not to go through the rigmaroles of the trauma, not to go down rabbit hole, because you need to be with a professional to do that.

Someone who's given you some tips on some new tools on how to be safe and to feel your body as you're going through this stuff. But you need to get somebody you can trust and be honest with. And that might be a counselor in this season or it might be that your body is really rattling because it's not safe.

It's in an environment where things you can't control and it is completely alone. It's in an environment where things you can't control and it is completely alone. It's lonely. And I want you to be intentional about making some relationships in this new season so that you've got some people to hold your arms up when you go through the hard stuff, okay? You are worth friendships.

You're worth relationships. You're worth telling a student, I need to stop you right there. I'm so heartbroken for you. Do I have your permission to give you a hug? And they give him a hug and say, I'll walk you down to the counselor's office. You promised you wouldn't tell Miss Mary.

I know, but I'm taking that back. And that was my fault. What you're experiencing right now is really serious. And I'm going to take you down to the counseling office because you need to have somebody who's trained in this that's going to walk alongside you. And you can pray for them on the way back and you can breathe it out. And then you are not carrying their bricks anymore. Too heavy. You're carrying your own right now. You are worth being well, Ms. Mary. We'll be right back.

It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea.

So if you're a new homebu buyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their home buyer edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today.

All right, we are back. Una Mas, let's go to Lauren in Springfield, Illinois. Lauren, what are you doing? Yo, I am cleaning someone else's house. Ha ha. Hey, do you have the permission to be in there? Yes, actually, this time. This call would have been such a better call if you're like, no, I broke in.

Man, I thought we were on to something. Okay, I never have done this. I don't think, I don't remember on the show. Kelly gave me the, Kelly Kelly Jenna gave me your email. Can I read it? Yeah, go for it. Here's what, here's what you wrote. I always get like a sentence or two. That's like, like, Hey, this call may be about this, especially if it's like, I've got some diagnosis. I got OCD, I've got

narcissism disorder, whatever, so that I can make sure I've called the right experts to make sure I know what I'm talking about. This one, she just gave me the email. Here, it reads. I feel, by the way, this call should be, we should be sponsored today by everyone's favorite drink in a bag, Capri Sun. There's only one Capri Sun. I feel like I'm a Capri Sun, and my husband, daughter, and even my dog

all have straws. Yes. I'm feeling overworked, out-touched, and exhausted. I want to meet the needs of my family without feeling drained in the process. Can you help me work through this? Dude, email of the day. Really?

Well, I mean, it's not like a contest with points, but you did good. Oh, no. You did good. I'll take it. Tell me what's going on. That's an incredible picture you painted for me. I'm very descriptive. I think I try to be very descriptive with everything. That was sent at like two 30 in the morning. I was laying in bed. I was like, I feel like I'm at my wit's end. So that's when it happened. And several things have happened since then and things have gotten a little better. No, no, no, no. I know people like you

and you're walking it back because that's who you are. Yes, that's true. Don't walk it back. Tell me what's going on. Okay. Well, I quit my job after working for almost seven years as a dental hygienist. I quit. And I have decided to start my own business and cleaning and getting permission in people's houses and- So you stopped cleaning people's mouths and you started cleaning their toilets. What more do you want? It's a meticulous cleaner. I bet you're amazing at this. Okay. So you quit your business. You started your own job. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And so I have an incredible husband. I have such a sweet two and a half year old daughter and I have a six year old Boston Terrier and I am everyone's favorite

in this house. I am the glue. My husband calls me the glue that holds everybody together. Everybody loves to be touched and loved on and loves it when the house is clean. And then at the end of the day, I just feel so exhausted. I feel very drained. And I feel bad that I feel that way because I love them all very much. But there are times where I'm like laying in bed at 2.30 AM feeling like a Capri Sun. Yeah. Your body isn't a wonderland. Your body's a jungle gym. It might be a wonderland. That's not for me to say, but it's a jungle gym. So listen, who told you that your job was to take care of everybody else? That's a, that's an old story you've been playing for a long time. Yeah, yeah. And you know what?

I'm the oldest of four. I'm a product of divorce. I have ADD and I'm a peacekeeper. There you go. So ADD is a response to chaos. It's our body's way of dealing with chaotic. It can be maternal environments. I mean, prenatal environments. It can be childhood adventures, probably both and in your case. And God almighty. And you also got to play mom number two, right? Yeah. Yeah, I did. And so my mom, she has high expectations of herself all the time. And I think I translate that into high expectations of me. And if I don't keep things a certain way, then I feel like I'm letting her down too, I think, is what I internalize it as. Gotcha.

So it's just, and then I end up shutting down and just trying to keep everybody happy is my default. And then I don't realize it until I'm totally frazzled. And then my husband's probably kind of shocked too. So yeah, that's kind of where I'm at. How long have y'all been married? We have been married going on three years. We've been together for about six. And it's been a whirlwind.

I'll tell you what, we got together and about a year and a half later, we were engaged, also renovating a house, also living in it, and then planning a wedding. And then we're like, hey, let's have a kid. And so we did that. So I feel like there are days I feel like I really didn't take the time to get to know him as well as he got to know me. He doesn't know you. Maybe not. He doesn't.

Yeah. That's fair to say. I'm going to rattle off a series of questions that I don't want you to answer. Okay. Okay. When's the last time you said you've got dinner this week and here's what I want to eat. When's the last time you said, this is the kind of sex we are having and I'm taking the lead? When's the last time you said, I'm off bedtime duty for five days in a row because I'm exhausted? Or I need you to be at home because I'm going to the gym and I know it's 6 o'clock, but this is going to be best for me. Those questions sound nuts to you. Yeah. Okay. And so your husband has an incredible picture of a hilarious, super fun, up for anything wife. He's got a great picture of a rock star human being,

someone who will work themselves until their body's like, and we're out, we're done. But it will wake up at 2 a.m. to remind you of the guilt, which is the gasoline that keeps the engine running. That engine ultimately melts together and never runs again. Yeah, and that's what I'm afraid of, that ultimately we're going to raise our daughter

and then look at each other and say, who is this person in my house? Get out. Or you're going to inadvertently present a picture to your daughter of this is what getting through life looks like. And if she happens to have your bubbly, joyful personality, she'll be able to fake it too. But she might not. She might just be more of a quiet introvert. She might be someone who likes to get her head screwed on straight and then go out into the world,

and the world's going to destroy her for it. Yeah. And so the greatest gift, and this is going to sound counterintuitive, the greatest gift you could give your family is to start answering these questions. What do you want? Mm-hmm.

And what do you need so that you can show up and help other people with what they need? Mm-hmm. The greatest gift a husband and wife can give each other is to be really articulate and clear. Here's what I need right now. And then the other partner clear. Here's what I need right now. And then the other partner says, here's what I need right now. And we work together to help as best we can meet each other's needs so that they can then help meet our needs. And then we

end up in this beautiful circle, like a wedding band, and it never stops. And the needs change over time and the beliefs change over time. And the things that I think are fun or not fun change over time. Things I think are sexy and not sexy change over time, but we keep showing up and saying, all right, what do you need in this season? What do you need in this season? And here's what I need in this season. And you leave out the other part of that equation. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. And I don't want to, it's not to blame your,

you can never blame a two and a half year old. They're just two and a half. They don't know. And I'm not going to blame your husband. He just sounds like he's a great human being. This is just the deal he signed up for. This will be weird. It will be different. And the men I've talked to, and this is me included, think the end of the world has come when their wife starts speaking up

and it's much better to speak up because you desire it not because i have to or i'm going to end up in ashes you're what i'm saying you can own this or it just happens all right usually after kid number two or three and somebody's on the brink of an affair or whatever, like we are, somebody loses a job and then it all comes out. It sounds like you're not quite there yet. You're on the front end of this deal

that you can say, hey, I've kept what I need quiet for a long time and you're such an amazing partner here. Here's what I'm going to start practicing speaking up for needs. These are called boundaries, by the way. I'm going to start speaking up for these things along the way. And will you work with me on this? Invite him into this.

My guess is he's going to be all about it. Yeah. Yeah. He's really good about, you know, he's like, just say what you need. That's what I struggle with. That's right. Okay. So give me a couple of hints. Nope. Not a couple of hints. Give me a couple of things. Hold on. You were not allowed to tell your mom what you needed because what you needed didn't matter. Nobody cared. And you're three knuckleheaded brothers. Do you have all brothers? I have a brother and a sister and another brother, a younger brother that was

in the next marriage. Yeah. Okay. Oh, that's even more fun, right? That's a whole other call. Exactly. So they could give the five box of farts what your needs were. They don't care, right? And so saying your needs out loud got you in trouble. It hurt you. Your body learned over time, do not say these things out loud because we're not allowed to. And so you're going to have to fight your own body for a season and don't, not physically, but you're going to have to walk alongside yourself as you learn how to say things out loud because your body's going to say, if you're going to have to walk alongside yourself as you learn how to say things out loud because your body's going to say, if you say that out loud, he might leave.

If you say a need out loud, he might say, I'm not doing that. Probably he won't, but that's going to, that weight is going to be so a lot. You get what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so-

I already feel it. I know you do. So practice with me. Give me a couple of needs. I need to go to bed and the dishes are done. Okay. And the living room looks like nobody lives there. So every morning I wake up, it's like a fresh start. Okay. So let's drill into that one need.'s one step below that so what does that mean

so that means you know he works a later shift than i do no no no no any and i are in our bed and he comes home and he does have time to be able to do that and so when i wake up um and it's things aren't done i'm'm like, oh, well, you had a golden opportunity, brother. Does he know that? I've said it in the past that I don't think it got through or it wasn't said the way it was most meaningful, probably. So clear as kind. Here's the best way to have this conversation. I'm practicing saying my needs out loud. And this is hard for me because

I've never done it. And mom used to get really, I wouldn't hear it. So I love you. And we're going to practice this together. Is that cool? And he'll say, that's cool, of course. And say, from the hours of six to nine o'clock, I have to feed a kid, feed an adult, feed two adults. We've got dishes. We've got house. Got to get this kid bathed, which is at two and a half.

By the way, that changes in a few years. It's so great when they just start bathing themselves. It's like you get your whole life back. It's coming. Okay, hang in there. But I got to bathe a kid.

I also need, whether you think so or not, I need the house, like for me to sleep, I need the house to be clean. And that's also the time we do it. So there's only so many minutes. I can spend time here. I can spend time here. Or I can spend time here, I can spend time here, or I can spend time here. And if he's like most men I know, he'll be like, sweet, consider the dishes done. I'll even back you, right?

We can figure some of that out. And by the way, some days my body has been in service to this two and a half year old. And so it is not going to be up for in service to a 29 year old too. I need my body back. Okay. Yeah. I feel that. I breastfed for way too long, man. No longer anymore, obviously, but I feel like I just got out of that. All kinds of people call this show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. True. You're just getting it back. Right. You're just getting it back, right?

Yeah. You're just getting it back. And that's a whole other phone call too. But all I have to say is this. Practice speaking your needs out and practice being very, very clear. This is also a great time for him to have permission to say his needs out loud too. And so this is when you can say, okay, cool. We're going to start putting cleaning on the calendar.

Or our nighttime routine, you're going to take a lap around the house, make sure the dishes are up, make sure the counters are wiped off, and make sure the living room is cleaned up. It's going to take literally seven minutes to do those three things. Seven minutes. And your wife gets to have a full night of sleep. Right. Right. And he's going to say, I need, it's been two and a half years. I need more intimate time with you. Great. We're going to put that on the calendar. Monday, Wednesday, Friday. You can think about it all day. I'll even send you weird texts if you're like whatever We're going to think about it Like But we're going to put on a calendar That way we're both on the same page here

Right Then your needs are going to Allow me to meet your needs And then my needs are going to allow You to meet And now we're working together You hear what I'm saying? Yeah

And then If we both give a little Then one of us won't be Trying to give everything You know Well if you both give a lot In service to each other, then you're, you see what I'm saying? Yeah.

Right now you're having to survive because everyone's draining you. Let's flip that thing around. And while you're filling other people up, he has now plugged his straw back. Well, that's, uh, that, this is going to get awful. So I'm just going to leave it there. He is helping you and you're helping him. How about that? Is that cool?

Yeah. All right. Yeah. So here's the step forward. You initiate it because it's going to be hard for you. This is the homework assignment. You initiate the call. There's a conversation.

You say, Saturday morning, I'm getting a babysitter. You and me are going to breakfast. And we're going to talk about needs. So his homework assignment over the next 48 hours is to write down like some needs that he has, some things that bring him life, that bring him joy, that bring him connection, that bring him peace.

And you will bring yours. And yours are not less than because he's going to say things like, I need to hold the baby. And you're going to say like, I need the dishes done. All of the needs count, all of them. And then we're going to sit down and say, okay, let's get an actual calendar and see how we can make this work. Let's see how we can make this work. Let's do this together. And then we're going to practice it because there's going to be a night he forgets to do the dishes. And you're going to wake up and think, oh, my

husband hates me. He does. And he forgot. You're going to remind him and he's going to go, ah, I know, I know, I know. And he's going to get it done. And then there's going to be a night that's a Wednesday night and he's got a star by it. And you're gonna be like, dude, I'm so tired. And he's gonna be like, but we had it on the calendar and you'd be like, I can't, I know. Okay. We're, we're going to practice meeting each other's needs so that each other can meet each other's needs so that each other can meet each other's needs and off into the future together. You, my sister Lauren, are amazing. And I don't say that lightly.

He is lucky to have you. Your baby girl's lucky to have you. Your community's lucky to have you. And now I want you to be lucky you have you. You're worth saying here's what I need. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here.

Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make

to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. We are back. And Jenna brings me the lyrics of the day. A little bit on the nose here as we wrap up today's show. This is a heavier show. Thank y'all for being with us. It's the John Mayer classic.

The award-winning, Grammy-winning classic, Three Chords. Not your body is a jungle gym, but your body is a wonderland. And it goes like this. We got the afternoon. You got this room for two. One thing I've left to do discovering me discovering you your body is a wonderland

we'll see you soon take care coming up on the next episode it's only when she's at her mom's honestly all these pictures all these videos all this stuff any other screen that she has access to at all period is a choice for an adult to ruin her life how do i navigate interacting with my manipulative and unfaithful ex-girlfriend who just told me she's pregnant with my child. Didn't see that one coming. So give me a second here. I'm going to speak super directly,

probably in a way that nobody's spoken to you. Is that okay? Yeah. Because I'm your friend and I love you and we're neighbors now. Cool? Mm-hmm. Yep, cool. He might die.