The Dr. John Delony Show - I’m Chasing Success To Prove My Self-Worth

Episode Date: August 31, 2022

On today’s show, we hear from a woman who doesn’t understand why she continues to fail her post-college exams, a mom wracked with guilt over telling her ex she lost his baby, and a new husband hoping to communicate with his wife with much less arguing involved. Lyrics of the Day: "Wide Open Space" - The Dixie Chicks  Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. And I started to feel unsafe, so I ended up telling him that I lost the baby. And so now that baby's 10 months old, huh? Yeah. I can't imagine feeling like my child and my safety were so much so that I had to be on the run. What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. We're talking about marriage and parenting and mental health and whatever else is going on in your world and in your life.

We're hoping that you are doing well. If you want to be on this show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Leave a message and let us know what's going on and we'll get back in touch with you. Also, please don't forget to like this show on whatever device that you're consuming it on, or go leave a review. If it's a negative review, please go to ilovekelly at gmail.com. I actually have no idea whose account that is, but that'd be super funny if y'all blew that account up. In fact, don't do that. That'd be rude.

There's some sweet person named Kelly. But yeah, leave some good reviews on there, and I'd be very, very grateful. Also, huge news for the, he can't keep this up forever. You're right. Congratulations, America, you win. Actually, it's not even America.

It's China. I think China. Congratulations, universe. That's the great Jim Halpert said, you win. So it's no secret. My wife tells me I was born in the wrong century regularly. And so I didn't have social media before I took this job. And I was about six months into having a YouTube show before I knew I had a YouTube show. And I still don't fully understand what

a YouTube channel is, but I got one of those too. So I've got somebody who helps me with social media. His name is Zach. And, um, all the things that we post are things that came out of my mouth. Like things I said, um, but he, I don't know how to log into some of these platforms. Um,

I know how to get onto Instagram, but he takes the content and he puts it up in other places. And he's been saying, dude, you need to do Tik TOK. And I was like, well, a,

I'm not 13 and B, I don't dance well. And, um, dude, you need to do TikTok. And I was like, well, A, I'm not 13 and B, I don't dance well. And C, it gives me hemorrhoids. And he was like, I know, but A, it doesn't give you hemorrhoids. That's just you not eating properly or being stressed a lot. And B, it's really good. And there's a lot of good that it does. So I said, all right, man, go to the TikToks. Here we come, TikToks. So he posted a video yesterday. And it's, what is it now? It's like 1.1, 1.2 million people. It went viral. It's so ridiculous. We've gone viral, Kelly. You and me, we're TikTok sensations. I think it's more you since I'm not in it. You're coming with me, sister. We are TikTok sensations together. So you can,

I don't know how to get there I would go to tiktok.net tiktok.org slash is that how you do it? okay so for those because this is making no sense whatsoever

John has a tiktok account at John Deloney at John Deloney follow me at John Deloney and it's it's it's blowing up

we had our first huge video but hey hold on at John Deloney is my phone number for all the other platforms. That's the point. Yeah. You want to be

so they can find you anywhere. That was incredible, Ben. That's the point. Deloney, where'd it go? Hey, follow me on TikTok. At John Deloney. Sarah, you're probably going to edit all that out, aren't you?

She's like absolutely 100% going to edit all that out. Hey, TikTok sensation, America. Hold going to edit all that out, aren't you? She's like absolutely 100% going to edit all that out. Hey, TikTok sensation, America. Hold on to your hats. Hey, let's do this. Let's go to Emmy in Nashville. What's up, Emmy? Hi, Dr. John.

How are you? I was, man, I'm doing fantastic, and I'm not very good at this radio thing. Do you have TikTok? I don't. I don't really good at this radio thing. Do you have TikTok? I don't. I don't really have social media, so. I think I need to call your show because I need help. I need help. Okay, so what's up?

What's going on? So my main question is, how do I get out of my own way so I can achieve my professional and personal goals? So I'll stop there. And then I don't know if you want to stop me or tell me more. Okay. So I have to take certain certifications, um,

for my job. So I'll start with the job and then I'll go to the personal side. So for my job, um, I've had certifications and up until this point, they've gone really, really well, but I've hit a roadblock. And I would say that for the last couple of years, I've been taking these certifications. I have a habit of starting many fires for lack of a better term. So that way I can give myself this like emotional boost. So that way like, oh, well, I fixed my problem. And then like, I move on, I do well on the certification, I move on. But now it's getting to the point where it's my last certification, this is the end, and I just can't seem to pass it. So it's not necessarily that I don't know

the material, it's just these mini fires are no longer helping me. And a lot of the different like anger or fear motivators that I used to have that was really focused in on my work are now just being distractionary. And it's just, it's really messing me up. And I'm starting to have like physical ramifications. And so like now I get like physically sick every time I go to these certifications. And so it's just getting really out of hand and I need to figure out better ways of handling this stress or getting myself over this adventure. Awesome. One, thanks for sharing that. That's a tough sled in there. I'm assuming that you don't want to, do you mind telling me what certification you're looking for? Or give me a general, is it tax?

Is it healthcare? Is it something like what's, what's the general field? Uh, data science. So it's a lot of like computer programming and just like finance content. Okay. And so let's say you pass your exam tomorrow. What do you go do next? Uh, for the industry, that's pretty much it. Like I get a fancy letter and that's pretty much it. It's technically just to prove that like I am capable of doing something.

And like I do it every day. So it's obviously not necessary, but it does translate to possible promotions in the future. Okay. Um, tell me about your life. Um, I would say that I'm kind of high strung. You don't stop it, Emmy. You don't say.

Um, and I have to say like in my personal life, um, I'm very oriented when it comes to goals. So I'm very good at getting from point A to point B with the exception of point B, meaning what I I want to start dating and stuff like that, and then I meet someone I like, and then I get self-conscious, I gain 40 pounds, and then I stop talking to them because I feel uncomfortable with myself. Gotcha. And then I lose the weight again, I finally feel good about myself, and then it happens all over again. Tell me about growing up. Tell me about your folks. No, they're great. Yeah?

Really low-key. We're really close and they're great. Really low key. We're really close and stuff like that. Very supportive family. How long have you struggled with this? This is something that's been around for a long time, right? Yeah, I would say that it got worse when I left college. I don't know if like actually having responsibility, like true, real responsibility,

ramification just kind of slapped me in the face. Um, but I would say that probably since I was in like elementary school, middle school, I've always had issues, um, with confidence with, um,

kind of feeling great about myself and not self-sabotaging. When you say great about yourself, not self-sabotaging. When you say great about yourself, are you talking about appearance? Are you talking about people loving you? Are you talking about people, you feeling like they were in your corner? Yeah, I would definitely say outside my family, I've never really felt like I can trust what people think of me. And I kind of, in my year of reflection, I think it's just like I'm putting my own self-feelings onto them.

And so if I'm feeling uncomfortable with myself, I'm interpreting them being uncomfortable with me. And I just, I listen to a lot of distraction and noise. And even though I have my family in my corner, so I'm like, no, no, no. Like you're fine. Like this is not an issue. Like stop listening to other people. I just get distracted and I get self-conscious and I listened to the wrong people. And then it, it really wrecks havoc on my confidence and my self-image. Who told you that you, let me just say this, okay? I'm going to lob a grenade and you can fall on it. You can say that's stupid or you can just throw it back at me. Is that cool? How old are you? I'm 28 okay it's not uncommon

when somebody is walking through what you're struggling with and they tell me that they have a great relationship with their family sometimes, often, that means that they have a very safe, defined role in that family, and or that family has provided them with care and comfort and all of the answers to life's challenges. mom would get upset and I know how to take care of mom or I know how to take care of dad or there was an issue in their marriage a long time ago and I was able to help with the brothers and sisters,

whatever, like I have a very defined purpose there. Or why don't you go ask your father? Your dad will help you with that. You just need to ask your mom, oh, I don't think you should go to that school. And that was a covert way of saying you are absolutely not going to that school. Did any of those ring a bell? Kind of the first.

I would say that I didn't necessarily have a role, but it was definitely the family over an individual. And so we work as a unit for the betterment of the family. And so it was always about the family, not any individual person. Was always about the family, about what mom and dad wanted to do? Or one of them in particular? Here's what I'm getting at. I don't want to pull your family apart here on just a short phone call. Here's what I'm getting at.

Number one, somebody told you a long time ago, and they demonstrated this over and over and over again, that Emmy is to not be trusted. Emmy cannot rely on Emmy. Emmy's got to rely on us. And that's why I point back to, usually that starts with your parents. You, oh, honey, that's just a stupid thing. You need to do it like this. Or you don't look good in that shirt. You need to dress like this. Who would even wear that kind of comments?

The second thing is, is somehow you translated that, okay? And again, this is as a child. So it's not like a blame thing. This is just an either or. Into I know how I can get people to tell me I've got value, to show me I've got value, and that's through achievement and performance. And then you get out on your own and you achieve one thing and you still don't like who you see in the mirror. Or more importantly, you don't trust yourself still. So you try to achieve again and try to achieve again, and you keep pushing that line. And now you're at the end of a track and your body knows you're not safe.

So much so that it doesn't want you to take that exam and it's going to make itself physically sick so you don't. Because not passing an exam means not like it would for me, like, oh man, I screwed up or I didn't study that hard or I'm just dumb, I didn't get it. It means to you, I am nothing. So that's the general usual arc. Tell me if I'm off somewhere. No, the end goal is definitely kind of what happened. And I definitely developed the mindset that like if I don't achieve.

So yeah, I would say that that's very, very accurate. My concern is, again, I haven't spent a lot of time with you. My concern is that your safety inside of your family has become enmeshment. Their heir is your heir and your heir is their heir. Or if you were just to announce, hey, I'm moving to South Dakota. I got a great opportunity to go be a programmer there. I'm 28. I'm single. I'm unattached. I'm going to go live a crazy life. I've got a job in Los Angeles, California. I'm going to live in a high rise and I'm just going to live it up for two years. That there would be a disruption to their plans. Is that accurate or not accurate? Or would they say-

I think I need to roll it over a little bit. My first reaction is like, oh, no, that's not true. But I think I'm also kind of seeing things through rose-colored glasses because I guess I would consider myself extreme ownership. So if I'm in the room and something happens, it has to be my fault. If I wasn't there, then it wouldn't have happened. Okay, that's not extreme ownership.

Extreme ownership means when you are leading a thing, you take responsibility for the outcome. It doesn't mean if you are abused, you're responsible for other people feeling uncomfortable. Extreme ownership is not, hey, you've been trained over the course of 15, 20, 30 years that your voice doesn't count or it's less than everybody else's. And you need to go do this thing. And then you find yourself responsible for everyone's feelings and thoughts. What you are as a peacekeeper, not an extreme owner. Extreme ownership would say, I have this exam. I love Sunday lunches. I'm not going to a Sunday lunch until I pass this exam because I really want this thing to be done. And I want to do it really well.

And I'm not going to care about my feelings. I'm going to create a very strong schedule. I'm going to stick to it no matter what. Every day, I'm just going to get up and do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. And then if I fail, I'm going to take ownership. I did everything I could and that I knew to do.

And I'm going to go get some coaching and I'm going to go back and do it again. You see the difference there? Yeah. A peacekeeper feels responsible for everybody else's feelings because they were told your feelings come last. Does that make sense?

Yeah. And what I really want Emmy's feelings to come first. Do you even want to be a programmer? Um, I mean. No, no. I mean, it's what I'm good at. It doesn't matter.

I'm good at painting bedrooms. I don't want to do that for a living. I'm really good. Like I'm really talented. I'm good at mowing. Like I'm good at it. I can make a yard look really nice. I do not want to do that for a living. I'm really good. Like I'm really talented. I'm good at mowing. Like I'm good at it. I can make a yard look really nice. I do not want to do that for a living. I can make a lot of money mowing. I've got a buddy that runs a lawn care business. He does well. I don't want to do that for a living. What do you want to do? I have no clue. I'm being honest. I have literally no clue. And unfortunately, I guess I've lost part of like exploration.

Like I kind of. It's not an art. It's a desire. Yeah, the desire. Who told you to quit exploring? Somebody told you this stuff, Emmy. I hear a sense of adventure in you. And I hear a sense of resignation. you and I hear a sense of resignation

that this is just the way this is going to be. Yeah, and that's kind of what I'm trying to get myself out of. I recognize the fact that doing nothing or accepting like this is it, like it's not healthy. And like, there's so much i want to be happy with but it's just like i when i do achieve it like what does that mean like i'm still stuck with myself yes wherever you go there you go you'll go with you right yeah and so it's making peace with who you see in the mirror

and then deciding a is this what I want to do? B, what do I really want to do? Who do I want to be? And by the way, I can keep plugging along because I'm freaking Emmy and I'm awesome. I do good work. I'm a good person of character. And then it's making some really hard but simple, and you know the difference there, right? Like, how do you lose weight? Diet and exercise. Well, that's really simple, but it's super hard

to do. I'm going to make some really hard but simple choices when it comes to, I've got an exam coming up, so this is, I'm going to study like this, even when I don't want to. And I'm going to put the time and the effort in because this is the last time I'm going to take this exam. And I'm going to eat healthy, and I'm not going to self-sabotage. On those moments that I feel like I'm about to, I'm going to have somebody that I reach out to, and then I call. And I'm making it sound really simple, and at the end of the day, we overthink it because it is. I'm just going to not do those things. Or I'm not going to take that last exam. I'm just not going to take it. I don't want to be doing this job. I'm tired of this job. I don't, you know what I mean? It's like getting to the end of a mile 20 in the

marathon and be like, why am I doing? I don't want to do this. Okay. If you picture yourself, I mean, you just quit. You just stop the tests. Like, you're like, dude, I'm not, I'm not doing this for a certificate, for an achievement that I don't care that I even have for a job that I don't even really want. Like if you just stopped, does that give you peace or does that give you anxiety? Um, I don't even know how I feel. A part of me is like, oh man, like you were so close, just finish it just for the fact that you can say to yourself, you're a finisher. You don't quit when things get hard. But I've also, I got into this role because someone told me,

now that I think about it, I got into this role because someone told me, oh, you won't be good at it. And I had to prove to them, no, no, no. I'll be good at it. I'll show you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so now I'm here. So that obviously the only person needs to watch it is me. Well, and it sounds like you've outsourced your feelings and thoughts to a degree where, I mean, you're living like a life of like almost Instagram quotes,

and you're judging yourself against them. Like you're a 3D living and breathing member of my community here in Nashville. Like you're on my team. You're one of us. Like we may have sat by each other in a coffee shop for crying out loud. You know what I mean? Like it's, yes, extreme ownership is good. That's not what's happening here. Ownership first looks in the mirror and says

I'm going to own how I think and how I feel and I'm going to own my value and it's high and I'm not going to create an entire trajectory of my life with a middle finger in my rear view mirror because man that's an exhausting way to live here's what I'm going to do I'm going to send you a couple of things

actually can I make a real bold statement sure when you hang up the phone I want you to be like that guy's an idiot if I'm wrong the first thing I'm going to send you is I'm going to send you a copy of my book own your past change your future here's why I don't fully buy your story the first thing I'm going to send you is I'm going to send you a copy of my book. Okay?

Own Your Past, Change Your Future. Here's why. I don't fully buy your story. I can count on maybe one hand and just a few fingers the number of times that someone's told me a similar situation to what you're working through that isn't carrying a lot of garbage from their childhood. Whether it was the best way I can find, get mom and dad to leave me alone or to get their approval or to get their nod of you're okay

today. It was to get straight A's or I need to get your attention by going and do something bananas. Behavior is a language and something about your language, like, do you love me? Do you love me? Do you love me? Is achievement, accomplishment, accomplishment, achievement, achievement. I'll make sure everybody's okay.

I'm just gonna stay here in the nest. I'm never gonna jump out and fly. And so I'm gonna send you that. You can hang up the phone and be like, dude, my family's perfect. Deloney, quit trying to dig into my past. Just everything's fine. I would challenge you on that,

but that's for another phone call so I'm going to send you that the second thing I'm going to send you is my buddy Ken Coleman has a career assessment it's a thing you take online it's a digital thing and it helps point you in the direction of what do you actually want to do

what do you actually care about it's called a get clear assessment I'm going to send you a free one of those too I'm also going to send you my buddy Ken I'm going to say the same guys Ken's book Paycheck to Purpose where you can sit down and go, okay, I'm making a living. I'm doing this coding thing. What do I want to do? I'm officially a quarter of the way through, right? No, probably a third. I'm a third of the way through. And I am, I'm getting out of here.

Like I'm going to go do something that I really want to do. I want to go be a part of, let's figure out what that is. When it comes to the exam, I'm like you, here. Like, I'm going to go do something that I really want to do. I want to go be a part of. Let's figure out what that is. When it comes to the exam, I'm like you. You're this close. I'd finish. But I think I would take the emotion and the stuff and strip it away and say, I am Emmy, and I'm a good person, and I love myself, and I love my life. Whether I fail this test or not, I'm going to go take this test.

I'm going to pass this test. I'm going to move on with my day and really take the drama out of it. And it sounds so simple. It is. It is. I'm going to create a structure and a strategy

and go get it done. Thanks for calling me. I think there's a wide open space for you to go running. Wide open. And this is one of those moments where you can back up and just change everything. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now

and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new home buyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their Home Buyer Edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress.

Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill-certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we're back. Let's go to Elizabeth in Austin. What's up, Elizabeth? Hey, how you doing? I'm good. How are you?

I'm hanging in there. Oh, no. What's going on? And I had dated his father for four months, and he revealed to me after that time that he did two years in prison for physically assaulting his ex-girlfriend. And I was starting to notice he was being verbally abusive and starting to throw things. So I found out I was pregnant unexpectedly, and I started to feel unsafe. So I tried to figure out how to get out of it. So I ended up telling him that I lost the baby. Oh, and so now you got to, now that baby's 10 months old, huh? Yeah.

So how can I help? Um, I mean, I'm basically just like wondering why I keep thinking about it pretty much on a daily basis. And I'm also worried about when my son gets older, you know, what is he going to, I mean, when he asked me, where's my dad at? You know, I don't know what to tell him because I don't want to lie to him. Yeah. So number one, okay, I'm just going to say all the things out at the same time. Is that okay? Sure.

As the father of a child, I can't imagine feeling like my child and my safety were so much so that I had to be on the run. So every moment you open your eyes, because your body's on the run, you're on the run, okay? You're hiding from someone that you're scared of. And you're hiding from someone that you are now linked to forever. And the safety of your kid so that's number one also as the father of two little kids the thought that someone would hide a child from me i can't like that creates a rage it creates such an anger in me that it's almost overwhelming right so my first thought is like what do you mean you didn't tell him like he doesn't know he's got a kid. Right. And I'm balancing that with,

yeah, you weren't in that room, John. And so I want to trust you, Elizabeth, that you're not safe and that you weren't safe. Okay. Um, and it wasn't only that there was other things as well, you know, like what he lived, he lived two and a half hours away from me, and he fell asleep at the wheel at least twice that I know of because we had a major argument the night that I ended up, you know, wanting to break up with him. And he had texted me about an hour and a half later after we had the argument and was like, oh, I fell asleep and went into a ditch.

And I'm like, I couldn't imagine him driving my baby in the car and then falling asleep because he had at least done it twice as far as I know. So,

100% I understand what you're saying. Okay? Like, I'm not here to, I'm not shaming a mom keeping her baby safe. And, it's his baby too.

Right. I understand that. So it's a mess. It's just a mess is what it is. It's just an absolute mess. And then the third thing here to just lob on top of all this is your instinct is correct. With the internet, there is no such thing as a kid who doesn't find out. Yeah.

That happens sooner or later. And if you're a parent who doesn't tell the truth to him, not only does he find out who his dad is, he also finds out mom tells lies. Right. And then he begins to wonder, does mom love me? Because she said that a lot. And does mom believe this? And does mom do, right? So it undermines the sidewalk with which he will walk on your son. And I don't know, have you checked into the legality of it? I know it's state to state.

States are different. Some states it's illegal to do what you're doing. Other states it's like a gray area. It's only illegal if he wants into the baby's life and you prevent it. But if you told him that the baby's not around, you see what I'm saying? Yeah. Here's what I would do if I were you. I would reach out to an attorney and say, here's what I've done.

Here's why I did it. I need some guidance because right now you are flying blind and that's keeping you up and that's stressing you out. And that stress is being absorbed by that little 10 month old. Is that true? Is that right? I mean, I guess. What's the possibility that you call this guy and say, hey, I lied to you. You've got a 10-month-old son.

I want you to sign full custody over to me. We're not getting back together. I don't want you to be a part of this baby's life. You have no interest in being— Would he say, hey, that sounds great? Or would he start weeping and say, I can't believe I have a son. I'm moving in. I have no idea because I'm moving in. I have no idea because he already moved on.

He's got a girlfriend and she's got two kids. Okay. Well, then it may be she fights for custody, right? So who knows what kind of mess this is going to turn into. What you need is some security. And you don't have that right now because you took off. And I'm not blaming you for taking off, okay? That's a whole other, like we're just dealing with where we are right now.

Your body's in fight or flight because you were literally on the run. And until you get some stability, you know where you sit legally, you know where you sit when it comes to rights and responsibilities, when you know what you have to do versus what you don't have to do, until you do that, your body's gonna be running and just revving and revving and revving and revving. And you know as well as I do, this is a time bomb.

There's a reckoning at some point. Anytime there's a reckoning coming, I like to just go get it done with a team, with a gang. coming, I like to just go get it done. With a team. With a gang. And what I say about reckoning, there will come a time when you have to face this man and tell him

that you hid his child from him. I mean, I didn't want to do that. I had to think about it for at least a week because I knew it was not what I wanted to do. I know that. Don't hear me shaming you, okay? I'm not trying to pile on, okay?

His reaction was, hey, let's either give up the baby for adoption or get an abortion. I didn't want to do that. I wanted to keep my baby. That's right. And I 100% applaud you. So the chances of him giving the baby up, signing it away, maybe like 99, right?

And maybe he gets a letter from an attorney that says you are the parent of such and such and we are requesting full custody, et cetera. Maybe great. Maybe signs that thing and then you exhale. Right. And then you exhale. Right. And then you tell that baby,

when he's older, your daddy wasn't well. And your son will have to live with the fact that his dad didn't want anything to do with his life. Right. So there's going to be, there's going to be hell to pay down the road anyway. What we don't want this baby to know is

dad left me and mom lied pay down the road anyway. What we don't want this baby to know is dad left me and mom lied to me the whole time. Or dad so badly wanted to be in my life and mom hid him from me. And a seven-year-old, a 14-year-old, an 18-year-old isn't going to understand, hey, mom found out dad was a violent criminal and he was starting to show signs of those tendencies around me. And I was pregnant with you. And so I got us out of there to keep us safe. That's something maybe a 21 year old, 25 year old.

See what I'm saying? So the conversation's coming. I'd much rather you have an attorney, have all of the answers that you need, have all the things lined up and all the paths forward. And you not live in fear of this day coming whenever it's going to come. Right.

You will just sleep so much better. Even if you get answers that you don't like, even if the attorney says, I'm so sorry, but you got to call that guy within 24 hours. Yeah. At least you'll have some next steps. Cause right now this,

your whole, I mean, you're not sleeping, are you? I mean, yeah. I'm sleeping because I moved. Yeah, I'm saying it more metaphorical, but yes. I'm sleeping just fine, like a baby. And hey, maybe that's the case. Maybe that's the case.

Maybe you're like, no, dude, I don't know what you're talking about. I did the right thing. I'm never going to feel a second of bad about it. I did what was right. But you wouldn't be calling me. I mean, I feel like I did what I had to do to keep my son safe, but it's not ultimately what I wanted. I would have liked to stay with him if he hadn't been violent, you know?

Absolutely. If he hadn't been yelling at me all the time. Yes, and you're going to have to grieve that, right? Because the dream we have is to have to grieve that, right? Because the dream we have is to have kids and have this little home and the picket fence and the dog and the camping trips. Like, that picture's not going to happen here. Right. And so there will come a moment when we have to grieve that. That comes after you're safe, and right now you're still not registering as safe.

Mm-hmm. You're on the run. So will you reach out to an attorney? Yeah, I will. Okay. Let's call a local family attorney and say, I need to set up a consultation and just sit down and do not, please don't go in there and not tell the whole truth. Tell everything that happened, all of the truth. Don't hide anything. Don't put anything in a drawer.

Like, this is everything. Husband's not safe. He was passing out behind the wheel. He was raising his voice. He was throwing us around. He was pushing. Whatever was going on, tell the truth. And then they'll walk you through what comes next.

I'm sorry. I hate this for you. I hate this for that little baby. I even hate it for dad. I hate it for everybody. It's a mess. It's a mess. But the day of that conversation will come. So let's have that conversation on your terms with all the facts and data that you have and somebody like an attorney on your side whenever it all comes down. Thank you so much for the call. We'll be right back. We are back on yet another episode of the TikTok Sensational Kelly Daniels Show. Do you have a TikTok account, Kelly?

No, I'm on it because my son is, but no, I do not have a TikTok channel. I think you should get one. I think you should get a TikTok channel. No, thank you. Although I might dance better than you. There's a 100% chance. I challenge you to a TikTok dance-off.

Oh, I'd kick your butt up and down the block. Consider it happening, America. I mean, I danced for 11 years, so. Consider, I did too. Oh, let's talk about that. Where'd you dance, Kelly? This is gonna be amazing. Let's go to Dalton in Austin.

Hey, Dalton, what's up, dude? Hi, Dr. John, how are you? I'm good, brother, what's up? Not much. So my wife and I are starting to miscommunicate more and I want to know how do I take steps to improve our conversations and end the unnecessary fighting or maybe better yet, why is it happening? Tell me more about it. How long y'all been married? Almost a year. We're coming up on our one year anniversary.

Okay. Um, what are y'all fighting about? Well, I, I would say they're big fights over very little things, like incredibly nuanced, inconsequential, uh, non-important things. Um, I would say this never used to happen in all the two and a half years that we dated. Um, none of that matters anymore. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I know. Yeah. Totally. We argue, yeah, we argue over the little thing itself. And then we argue about how we just argued trying to decide what went wrong and where there was a miscommunication and trying to solve the problem.

And it just leads to a lot of hurt feelings in the end because someone has to be right, someone has to be wrong. And my concern is that these have been increasing in number in the last month. And so when I asked my wife when she thinks they started, she told me I've been doing something maybe wrong or insensitive or situation worthy that could lead to the situation almost every other day for the last seven months. And that she's only just recently started bringing it to light or she ignores it or brushes it off normally. And that scares the heck out of me because I don't want to be consistently putting my wife in a situation where, you know, she feels on edge or where we are about to fight. And I just don't know it. You know, it's, it's like I've created an unsafe environment for her.

Well, maybe, maybe, maybe, um, maybe what's the things, what is she saying that you do to, that creates an unsafe environment? Well, she hasn't said those words exactly. That's me being concerned. I can give an example, a little thing. Give me an example. What's the thing that she said you've been doing for seven months that makes it, um, that drives her crazy? Um, well, the thing itself that I've been doing is I guess just, uh, like potentially or starting small little fights without knowing it. Um,

it's kind of hard to pinpoint. Um, can I just give my example? Yeah, sure. So I wanted to leave for a movie at a certain time. We were hanging out with my family and so everyone was leaving a little bit later than we had planned. Five to ten minutes later, when everyone was getting ready to leave, she wanted to run back in and look for a sweater.

She was going to be cold, which would have made us even later. I was a little annoyed and told her about it, so we discussed. We tried to figure out whether I was wrong for rushing her when we were already late, or whether she was wrong for potentially making us slightly later. While we resolved that part of the argument fairly quickly, we then started talking about why we miscommunicated. She felt I wasn't listening to her. I felt she wasn't listening to me. And so I got frustrated and raised my voice, which I rarely do.

After that discussion ends, we were both left, you know, kind of hurt and feeling like, man, we never used to fight like this. There was no true resolution. She was upset because I didn't handle the situation perfectly. I'm upset because I didn't handle the situation perfectly. And she was hurt by it. And so something incredibly inconsequential about whether we were going to be late for a movie, which, by the way, we had planned to leave so early that we were going to catch the previews before the previews.

We weren't even going to be late to the movie. That didn't matter at all. Then why'd you start a fight? I wasn't trying to. That's not what I asked. That's not what I asked. Why'd you start a fight? I brought it up because there is a pattern of my wife making us slightly late for things.

We're leaving slightly later than I would like to. And so that's the only reason I brought it up. But my intention was never to. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Right. Hold on a second. This has nothing to do with the time.

Of course. This has to do with the time. Of course. This has to do with power. And the way you use words, I didn't do it perfectly, or she's got to have, it's very much like talking to an annoyed parent. Okay. And there's something about her that you married

i mean let me just ask you is she a capable adult yes she's incredibly does she have a job she does does she do well at the job or is she always getting in trouble about the job you see what i'm saying like she she excels she's. So what is it about her that you feel the need to parent her? Or to make her her 2.0? Or to improve some things? I really don't think I feel that need, Dr. Jones. But that's what you do. Right.

So where's that coming from? It's possibly my desire to, I guess, fix problems as I see them within the relationship. And if I'm the one that sees the problem, I think, oh, I need to take the step to bring it up so we can address it, so we can resolve it, so we can okay so let's let's let's take that exact thing when you want to fix a problem you look externally towards the problem right and the problem is her and her timeliness and by the way this is a super common first year second year year marriage thing. So I don't want you to think y'all are crazy. Your marriage is over. It's none of that.

It is going to take you not being arrogant and you being taking a knee. Okay. Here's what I mean. You want to go to fix a problem. And then she is the problem because she's late. And she repeatedly makes you slightly late. That's not the problem. The problem is either you like being in control.

The problem is like you like the appearance of we have it together. And so we're always on time. Another one is this. I was always late to church. Always. Always. And my wife would say, let's go, let's go. And I was like, and finally one day she said this.

She said, John, I feel completely exposed when I walk into our small little church and everyone turns to see who's walking in late. I feel exposed and embarrassed and I don't like everybody looking at me. And when you're late, you force me into a position of this. So the problem was her. And she was saying, I'm addressing this now.

So I'm gonna start taking my own car without you or you can be a part, you see what I'm saying? And I have not been late since. Cause I'll be damned if I'm gonna embarrass my wife. See what I'm saying? And I have not been late since. Because I'll be damned if I'm going to embarrass my wife. See what I'm saying? And so you ending up late, ending up late, ending up late is not about ending up late. It's about you having the courage to tell your wife, hey, when we're late to things, I feel fill in the blank. That's making the problem about you, not about her. She is not something you can fix like an engine. That's why I'm using language like trying to make her 2.0,

like upgrade version of herself. You can't fix her. You can't communicate and say, hey, this is how this makes me feel. And she can say, hey, this is how this makes me feel. And she can say, hey, when I'm going to be cold, I'd rather be three minutes late than cold for two hours. Right. Right. That is different than, well, you did this, right? So she's got some culpability here too. Also, it probably, well, I just say, when I found out that I've been doing something for a year or two years or 10 years, that's frustrating or annoying. I felt deceived.

I felt like my wife should have told me that. And then I had to ask, have I created an unsafe environment in this home where you can't even tell me that, that you don't like it where I put my shoes? Like, is that where we are? And then my wife had to take ownership and say, no, I needed to tell you that. And so now we right away, You see what I'm getting at? None of these fights have anything to do with fights. It has to do with someone's got to be right and someone's got to be wrong. And what I would tell you is, and you've probably heard this marriage advice before,

you can choose to be right or you can choose to be wrong or you can choose to be married. Right. Anytime, if you're right and she's wrong, you both lose. And vice versa. Right.

And I would tell you that the moment that you're three minutes late is the absolute worst time ever to have that conversation. Because it's instantly emotional. She's already feeling upset, embarrassed, rushed, whatever. You're feeling mad. And so it's never going to be a productive conversation. It's going to be a conversation

about emotions, not about how do we make some changes and grow and heal here. See what I'm saying? I do. I do. I think my question is, moving forward, is there something I should maybe keep in mind when little things like this pop up in order to avoid, I don't know, me creating an issue? I don't like to lose, right? So I know that I don't like to lose arguments, but- Then never, ever, ever have one. Because that attitude will destroy your marriage. It will end it, Dalton. End it. Right?

So don't have them. Right. And my wife and I love to have these types of discussions is part of our problem there. Then it's just about context. So it's like once a week, my wife and I have our calendar budget meeting. And that's when we talk about these things because it's a rather unemotional time. It's like eight o'clock on a Sunday or something like that. It's an unemotional time. And it's a very nuts and bolts. Hey, by the way, last week you said you were going to be here

at Wednesday and you were going to take care of dinner. You didn't. This is going to be every Wednesday for the rest of the semester. Here's what dinner looks like. And I'll be like, yeah, I totally screwed that up.

Or I'll say, oh, why didn't you tell me that? And we have that discussion and we move on. But it's not a who's going to win this and you should have told me. No,

why? Why would I fight? I'm not going to fight. I'm not going to fight. There's no reason to fight. Right. And again, I'm being facetious. Occasionally, there's a reason to, but they're so rare.

Man, so rare. You know what I mean, though. Right. I think we both know. I mean, my wife and I both know that the things that we're fighting over don't matter. Then stop. You're overthinking it, man. Stop. When she's three minutes late, why do you have to have that conversation right then? Why? I guess I don't have to.

Yeah. Look at this guy. Dude, you're going to be married a long time. That's the plan. Yes. So don't have a conversation until later, until everybody's chill. Maybe keep a small little thing on your phone

or a little note to yourself. Or if it's still not that big of a deal an hour later, then ta-da, that's wisdom. But don't feel like you got to go to war over everything, man. And especially if you have the thought, I need to fix this. Or anytime you think that, how about this? Anytime you think the thought,

if she would just do not say anything, keep that to yourself. Right. Because that's not a statement. That's not a thought pattern. That's not an emotion that's going towards solving a problem. That's a, that's a trajectory towards victory. And I'll say it again. If y'all get into an argument with the objective that one of us has to be right One of us has to be wrong You will both lose 100% of those arguments Right, that makes sense And

You kind of, this is back from earlier You kind of hinted around it a little bit Never raise your voice Don't yell Don't be that guy. You're right. Okay. That's not typically

what I do. I was just frustrated and that was a moment of weakness. That's fair. I completely agree. But when you get frustrated, yeah, when you get frustrated,

say, hey, I'm gonna take a break for a second. I just need to take a break. And that's wisdom and restraint and adult responsibility, right? It's just being a grown-up. But that's wisdom and restraint and adult responsibility, right? It's just being a grownup. But here's, so if I'm you, here's what I do right now. I would take my wife out to dinner.

Okay. And I would tell her, I'm sorry. I'm trying to find my place here. I want to be a great husband. I want to have this presentation of our family where we're always on time and everything's always neatly pressed and where we look the part and do the part

and I want to do so good. And what I'm ended up doing is starting a lot of fights and a lot of, well, if you woulds and if this woulds and whatever, and I'm sorry, I'm not gonna fight you anymore. I would like to set up like a recurring once a week where we get coffee together My wife and I we used to I said we do a budget meetings now. We started doing two mile. I mean two hour Uh walks in the morning on saturday mornings. We leave the kids. They're old enough now

We just head off into the we head off on these long walks. They're fantastic But we talk about everything man. I get animated and I can be like, ah because i'm a lot right I can do all those ah, because I'm a lot, right? I can do all those things, but they're not threatening. We're on the same side as we're walking. Like we're facing the same direction together. It just changes the whole tenor. So we're still talking with some communications, but I'm just not going to fight. So here's a good example. She goes to bed. She doesn't let the dogs in. And I got to take the dogs and take them down the set of stairs into the basement where they stay. And at 11 o'clock at night, when I'm getting home from something and I'm tired and the dogs are still out, that is not the time to have that conversation. At nine o'clock, when I

look into our bedroom and she's already reading and that's not the time to have that conversation. She's not. When we're going for our walks on Sunday mornings, or I mean on Saturday mornings, or having our budget meetings, I can say, hey, in the evenings, it would be a big deal for me if you would go ahead

and put the dogs away when you go ahead and when you turn the lights off and do X, Y, and Z. See how different of a conversation that is? And she could say, by the way,

you don't do anything. How about you get the dogs? And I'd say, all right, that's well done. And that's my job. I don't have to fight about it anymore. See how much, how simpler that is? Yes, I do. Okay. Um, does she love you? She does. Yes. A lot? Yes. Can you just, can you rest in that? Yes, I think I can. Can I tell you this? It took me like 20 years.

Nah, that's not true. Probably 16, 17 years to figure out how to do that. So this isn't something you can do over time. If she loves you, man, you're anchored in and you're good. Yeah. What we're going for here is peace. Is that fair? That's fair. I appreciate it.

Thank you very much. Dude, I appreciate you calling. Yeah, I've got high hopes for y'all. I would love to see a dinner where you just say sorry. Don't bring up anything she's brought to the table. Make it about you. Say I'm sorry. Take it a knee.

And I'm going to do better. And could we set up some things man that is changing the entire trajectory of your family and I'll say it for a third time

in this one call to all the couples listening if you get in a fight with a purpose to win I'll show him she needs to I'll tell her one of you will win and one of you will lose and you will both lose every single time. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up?

Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you

so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, song of the day. I guess at some point I said the words wide open spaces. Hmm. Well, that's a famous song, everybody. From, they used to be called the Dixie Chicks.

Now they're called just the Chicks. Song's called Wide Open Spaces. It goes like this. Who doesn't know what I'm talking about who's never left home, who's never struck out to find a dream and a life of their own, a place in the clouds, a foundation of stone. Many proceed and many will follow

a young girl's dream no longer hollow. Oh, and the song's about me. It takes the shape of a place out west, but what it holds for her, she hasn't guessed. She needs wide open spaces. Room to make her big mistakes like Kelly's done jumping on this show. She needs new faces. She knows the high stakes.

Way to go, everybody. Go find your wide open spaces.