The Dr. John Delony Show - I’m Desperate To Rebuild My Marriage

Episode Date: October 20, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A woman navigating co-parenting with her ex - A mother realizing the damage she’s done to her son - A husband desperate to rebuild his marriage To order John's new book Building a Non-Anxious Life click here. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. He continues to say he hopes we find our way back to each other sometime down the road after we've both had time to heal. He began dating other women a week after we broke up. And his statements of hope are confusing. And I'm unsure how to grieve, let go of hope and move forward. What up, what up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. Show about your mental health, your emotional health, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. We don't stage any of this. These are real calls from real people and often they don't know where to turn,

or they don't have anybody in their life that they trust, or they've reached out to those folks, and they've just been recited some cute sayings that have been stitched into pillows or hanging in their grandmother's bathrooms, and they want someone to tell them the truth. So that's what this show's about. It's about sitting with hurting people,

and we will figure out what to do next. I've been doing this for about two decades now, sitting with people and the wheels have fallen off. It's a crazy world out there and I'm so grateful that you've joined us. If you want to be a part of this show, I'm going to call in. We can change your name.

We can change your location. We can anonymize it the best we can. I don't even know if anonymize is a real word. Is it? I don't think so, but... Let's rock and roll with it, though. Might be. I'm going with it.

If you want to be anonymized, whatever we got to do to protect the innocent... Yeah, that sounds like something we shouldn't do without some sort of licensure. Anonymize people? Anonymize people. It feels like what those kids in Silicon Valley are doing, trying to anonymize us all.

Anonymity. Call 1-844-693-3291 and leave a message, and we'll holla back girl at you. I ain't no holla back girl. Kelly is. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. What is a holla back girl? What does that even mean?

Honestly, I'm not real sure. Jenna, do you know? My best guess is like if a guy is like cat calling you or something and like you're not going to hollaback at him. Huh. I don't know. That's just what I get from the song, right? If you know what actual, like I ain't no hollaback girl.

If you know what that means, go to Kelly's Instagram account at Kelly Fletcher and tell her what it means. Are you Googling it, Kelly? That's going to look good on the work search engine. Let's see here. Can't wait till HR calls you in today.

Oh, this is from Urban Dictionary, so I got to be real careful with this one. Miss Kelly, did you Google? This says a hollaback girl is a girl who only responds with verbal insults, so I gotta be real careful with this one. Miss Kelly, did you? She, this says, a hollowback girl is a girl who only responds with verbal insults but never, never takes it

to the next level. She's just mouthy with the insults. Oh, so she doesn't like actually get in fights. Yeah. Andrew had a different

explanation of what a hollowback girl was. Figures. I mean, it's what I was told when I was younger. That's what I was told. I had very bad friends. Let's go out to Veronica in Sacramento

before we get canceled. What's up, Veronica? Hi, Dr. John. Thank you for taking my call. Thank you for calling. What's up? So, my partner and I split about six weeks ago. He said he had been unhappy for some time and had some work to do on himself.

He continues to say he hopes we find our way back to each other sometime down the road after we've both had time to heal, work on ourselves and hopefully come back together with a new way of doing things. He began dating other women a week after we broke up. Right. We share a two-year-old and I have committed to remaining, excuse me, I've committed to remaining in his other kid's life. He has a seven and an 11 year old. We still do family activities and seeing him semi,

semi regularly, excuse me, and his statements of hope are confusing, and I'm unsure how to grieve, let go of hope, and move forward. And just for additional context, when we first started dating, he had been married for 14 years, and his wife had had an affair and left. And I had known both him and his wife for quite a while before then. And he had reached out. And at the time I told him, you know, I think you need to spend a year figuring out who you are outside your marriage. Reach out to me if I'm still single in a year. Great. And when he continued to pursue me, I told myself a story that it was meant to be, and he was choosing and picking me. And we got pregnant almost immediately, which was not planned. And that put a lot of pressure on the relationship.

And he has explained in the breakup that he is a police officer. He did two tours in Afghanistan. He came back and got married. And then we immediately got pregnant. And so he does not feel like he has had the last 20 years. He's been in some type of intense situation and he has not had time to figure out who he is or what he wants. And so for me, I can understand on some levels that he needs to figure out who he is, but. He lost that privilege when he had a baby with you. Period.

The figuring out days, the backpacking through Italy days, the going out on a bunch of different dates with a bunch of different people just to get to know folks and figure out what you like and don't like, those days are over. He's created two different family units with two different women and three kids. Those are all choices that he made. The hardest thing for you to hear right now is just the truth. And I'm going to be honest with you. Is that cool?

I absolutely hope you'll be truthful with me. All right. This relationship's over. Period. There might be a time in the future that y'all rebuild something new, but what you had is over Complete stop sign. It's done Over over the land has been sold to somebody else

Here's where that's really hard for you Yes, because you have to You have a child now, right? You also have a child and he, his two kids, I've been in therapy and his two kids are seven and 11 years old. They, in his previous marriage, they couldn't have children. So they adopted them. And I feel like the adoption was one form of abandonment.

The divorce was another. And I just, I know Veronica, but here's the thing. You can commit all you want. You're not invited into their life. I am, actually. He's happy for me to take them. Yeah, because you're a babysitter while he's out hooking up with other people. You're an amazing free babysitter.

That's not being in their life. That's being taken advantage of. Yeah. And you can't use them to make yourself feel better about this disaster that's upon you. Yeah. He left. He left you with a baby. He left you with a bunch of promises.

So you have these two things you're grieving. One is the actual loss of the relationship. He's probably a pretty fun guy to be around, right? When he's fully plugged in. Right. And you'll have a baby together. Is it a boy or girl? Boy.

So do you see his daddy in him every second of every day? Yes. Yeah, that's both amazing and hell in this situation. The second thing that you have to grieve, it's different than that, is you lost trust in Veronica because you knew. Yeah. And now you don't know which way to, what, like, every step you take is like trying to walk on a lake. Because you don't trust, you don't trust you, right? Yeah.

And how old are you? I'm 40. Have you been married before? When I was 23. Okay. Oh, dude. So you went all back in on this one, huh? I have never been as all the way in with someone as I have with him.

Oh, man. I'm so sorry. I bet you don't feel like you have any guts right now, do you? None. None. And I just, you know, you know, I've listened to your show for a long time and I appreciate when you share that, like, I want to be a mature adult and be able to be around him and co-parent peacefully. And we get along fine. You know, we went, took the whole family to an air show this past weekend. But while I loved us all being together, it was also super painful for me. And I just...

Yeah, it's pretend. It's pretend you're playing family. Yes. He's playing family. And then he got home and he texted the other girl when he got home, right? Right. Right. I hate that for family. And then he got home and he texted the other girl when he got home, right? Right. Right. I hate that for you.

I'm so sorry. I just, I don't know how to let go of hope and just move forward. I know. I know. Does he want to be in this little baby's life or is he just dragging on the whole thing? He's a great dad. Okay. He's a great dad. Okay. He's a great dad.

Okay. And that's part of it. You know, because I love him and I love seeing him with my son. And I always wanted to be a mom. I know. And I didn't get to be until I was 37. I know. You are a mom.

And it feels great. But now half of this life, I don't get to see anymore. You know, and I don't get to see the joy that comes from watching the two of them interact. Yeah. I'm sorry, dude. That picture you had was, you all painted it together and it was going to be forever. Yeah. I'm so sorry. The um I think the important thing moving forward is I think he's told you enough stories and he's going to sound something crazy

I think in his heart and head there's a chance your husband is not all evil I think there's actually a chance that he is trying to unravel this thing on his own At all at the same time He's trying to probably honor his first wife and those two kids, however messy that is. And he's trying to honor you and this new baby, however messy that is. And he still has this other part of him

that feels like it was stolen from him while he was deployed. And he wants that too. It's a hard, I get it. I don't agree with it. And if he was sitting down with me, I would say, bro, but I get it. I don't agree with it. And if he was sitting down with me, I would say, bro, but I get it. I understand it.

What that means is you have to take back agency over Veronica's life. And that starts with you telling him, I refuse to be the other woman. I'm just not, unless you're okay with that. I'm not. I know you're not. I mean, I know you're not. You know,

I'm still close to this whole family. You know, they love me and like, I'm a good mom. I know you are. Hold on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't you dare hang up this phone thinking that he left you because of you. Because you weren't a good mom. It was pretty clear. I left because of me, right?

Because of him. Yeah. Well, yes. And he, I mean, he did say he felt like I had things to work on. I think we all do have things that we're trying to work on. Good grief. Yeah. You find me two people who get married who don't have things to work on.

Good grief. That's not even a real statement. It's to work on. Good grief. Yeah, you find me two people who get married who don't have things to work on. Good grief. That's not even a real statement. It's not even real. Of course. I'd like to be kind and loving and have integrity. That guy must have been an honor student. Well, you've got things to work on too. Well, no kidding, genius.

But here's the deal. From this point forward, you have to draw boundaries around you and your well-being and the well-being of your child. That means, as awful as this sounds, you're going to have to go sit with an attorney and create actual parenting guidelines and boundaries.

And I know that's not fun. I know that sucks. No, and especially because we've tried to write out our own custody agreement. It's not going to work. It's got to own custody agreement. It's not going to work. It's not going to be very flexible. It's not going to work. It's going to work until he starts dating somebody else and gets engaged again, and she wants her life to look a different way.

And then he's going to be obligated to honor his new wife. It's the right thing to do, and it's going to get messy. And so what you're doing is saying, hey, you chose to leave. I love you. I honor your choice. Now I have to protect me and I have to protect this baby. And we're going to put some of these things in writing. I love you. I'm always going to be with you. You're just giving up on us. No, no, no, no, no. You left. You left. Period. You see the difference? I do.

Okay. I do. And if 50-50 custody doesn't work out on a regular basis when it comes to travel and picking up from school and work schedules, then it doesn't work. And you can tell them. I think the best schedule is going to be X, Y, and Z. I don't want to go to court. I don't want to fight you. You are a great dad to this little boy,

but you get to create the world and put it in front of him and see if he signs it. Right. But I think you have to bring another person in on this deal. You also have to make sure you're covered financially. I mean, I'm very fortunate that, you know, I've followed Dave Ramsey,

have no debt, have a really good job. Right now. Good career. Right now. I would not have a job if everybody's good job lasted forever.

I would be unemployed if everybody's great, great, awesome moments lasted forever. They don't. Layoffs happen. People get fired

and that kid's still going to need to eat. No. And you've been independent for a long time. You're tough, aren't you? Yeah. And you'll be damned

if you're going to ask a man to put money in your account, right? Yes. You have to. It's for this little boy and you're playing a long-term game to this little boy's 18. If you don't want to take alimony, that's fine.

But there has to be some participation in the day-to-day expenses of raising a kid. Yeah. Right? Yes. Now is not a time for your ego. Now's the time to take care of this little boy in the short term and in the long term

the chances that you still have this great job and this great opportunity in the great state of California when he's 18 is slim to none I mean I'm going to push back on that a little bit just because of my training and my profession

I'm going to push back on that a little bit just because of my training and my profession. I'm a nurse, so I have pretty decent job security. Unless in three years, the diagnostic system with AI begins to let people do it from their house. And you've seen that technology coming out just like I have, right? Right. Yes. Everyone's got a great job until they don't. Those dudes who used to create the pooper scoopers for the horses were sitting pretty until Henry Ford came along.

Right? Right. So, again, I think in 20 years we're still going to have nurses. Don't get me wrong. I hope to God we do. For sure. Well, I mean, what I feel like I hear you saying is that I really need to advocate for myself and make sure that I'm secure and my son is secure. In writing. In an official state document.

Yes. Yeah, I hear you. Because I have sat with too many people five years from now when he's married to somebody else and she's pregnant. And she says, you will not have those kids in this house, period. This is new lifetime. Yeah. And suddenly great dad disappears.

Just like a ghost. And how he pitched in for groceries and you always just had money because he was a cool guy. Now suddenly that's her money too and I ain't sending nothing to X nobody. And that's just, I mean, it's just happened

to my whole career, right? Right. Ugh. Right. Maybe he's not, man. This dude's amazing. He just got in over his head and you all were friends

and then he really liked you and you hooked up and he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, this is happening again too fast and then suddenly you had a baby and you know i said maybe that's what how that happened i don't want to knock the guy but um i do think it's wise for both of you to have this thing secured and you to advocate for yourself both now and 18 years from now i hate it for you.

So a quick thing I think is helpful when you're grieving. It helps clarify things. You've heard me say this a bunch on this show, but I want you to do this. I want you to write him three letters that you will never, never going to send him.

Letter number one is anger, heartbreak, sadness. I can't believe you left us. I'm so heartbroken that you left us. You made promises to me. You swore to me and you're gone. Letter number two is I'm so grateful you came into my life. And this is usually the hard one to write

because because of your time together with him, you got this amazing, amazing little boy. He is a good dad. So here's, you let me believe again, whatever you want to write. But the second letter is how much,

um, that you're glad he came into your life. The third letter is dear, dear X. I want you to know what you're going to miss. The third letter is dearest dear x I want you to know what you're gonna miss I'm gonna be an amazing mother to our kid I'm gonna make sure I want you to go on the list. He's gonna have a healthy breakfast That when he starts dating that i'm not that crazy mom who wants to fight his girlfriends

But i'm gonna be we're gonna talk about sex and we going to talk about sex and we're going to talk about life and we're going to talk about philosophy and politics. I'm going to be there for our son. You're going to miss it all because you left. You'll get the games and you'll get the fun, but you're going to miss watching an amazing mom love her son. And as you write those things, you're going to begin to feel things. Things are going to come up. I want you to write those things that come up. And I want you to take time to weep like you haven't wept yet. You should take time to be heartbroken and be scared and be like, I knew it, Veronica, you shouldn't have done it again. And yes, you should have. This is all part of the healing

journey. The final thing is, is you have to find two or three women that you trust and sit down and tell them everything, all of how much you're hurting. You've heard me say this a million times. I'll say it a million more. As David Kessler says, grief demands a witness. You have to sit in front of somebody and say, this happened to me.

This happened to somebody I love. I was single and strong for so long and nobody messed with me. And then I fell head over heels with a guy I knew I shouldn't have. And he made me a bunch of promises and we have this beautiful baby boy and then he left me. Ugh.

And I'd take him back if he said, all that, all of it, all of it, all of it. Gotta say it out loud in front of other real people in real time. And that's the beginning of the grieving process over and over and over again. I'm super grateful for you, Veronica. in real time. And that's the beginning of the grieving process. Over and over and over again. I'm super grateful for you, Veronica.

I'm so sorry this happened. What y'all had is over. Now, he could circle back and be like, I was wrong. I screwed up. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm all in. I'm all in. I'm all in.

Okay, fine. Y'all got to build something completely new. And he's got a lot of trust rebuilding to do. What you had is over. Only place you can go is forward now. In the interim, you got to take care of you, and you got to take care of this little boy. I'm grateful for you. Holler anytime if I can

be of help. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially

if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even

share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it, and even I don't want to. This is discipline

Sometimes you do this by yourself and sometimes you do this with a group and hallow helps you with both Download the number one prayer app on planet earth hallow right now and listen viewers and listeners of this show Get three free months when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, let's go out to Naples and talk to Iris. What's up, Iris? Hello, Dr. John. Thank you for taking my call. Of course. Thanks for calling. What's up? Oh, my God. I'm so excited. Bring it. No, nothing much.

Just trying to figure out how to do this mom life in this crazy world. I'm not a mom, so I'll just be guessing, but go for it. I'm sure you have some good insights. So, sorry for my accent. Hey, hold on. Never, ever apologize for your accent. Ever. It's beautiful.

Oh, no. Anyway. Hold on. No. No. Never apologize for the way you talk. It's beautiful. It adds color to the world.

You promise? Absolutely not, but okay. I've been battling for 15 years and still there, but anyways, thank you for your words. I appreciate that. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. All right, go for it. So how do I help my 12-year-old boy make relationships with others, friends? He's got no friends. But I feel it's kind of my fault because I've been always telling him that

people are evil and don't trust people and stay away from mean kids. Iris, why? I don't know. Why'd you tell him that? Because it's the truth. No! For a 12-year-old? Well, he got bullied a while back,

and I'm trying to help him not to fall for it. I feel like if kids find him friendship or friendly, they're going to just take more advantage of him. I don't know. So here's an example of what you did, okay? And you know, you listened to the show before? Yes. You know I love you, and I'm going to be real honest with you. Both at the same time, cool?

Bring it. Okay. What you did was you went into the gym, and you saw your 12-year-old boys, probably 10 or 11 at the time, lifting weights. And you saw that they were heavy and he was struggling. So instead of getting behind the bar and helping spot him and putting a couple of fingers underneath the bar and helping

him lift, you took all the weight off the bar and then you hung the bar up and you said, never lift again because that's too heavy. And so he got bullied and then mom said hey you can't ever handle this You're always going to be subjected to people taking advantage of you. Your best option for life is to hide You see what i'm saying Spot on exactly how I feel. Okay, you have to throw that Nonsense into reverse on the highway like today Okay, because his body is going to respond to mom throw that nonsense into reverse on the highway, like today.

Okay? Because his body is going to respond to mom. He's going to absorb the tension of the adults in his life. And he's going to learn others aren't safe. And the problem is our bodies use other people like oxygen. You cannot do life without them. I know. And that's where I find myself at the fork of, like, he needs to make friendships and relationships,

and then now he's not. You need friendships and relationships first. Oh, true. You. You, Iris, alright? Here's the path forward. It's a simple path, and it's going to be the worst.

You ready? Mm-hmm. You have to take him out to dinner. Is his dad in the picture? Yes, yes. What does dad think about all this? He thinks I'm crazy. For what?

For even, I don't know, for even, I don't know. We're very different. Tell me how. I mean, he's a man, so he doesn't see the world. I have a 13-year-old little boy. I want him to have a bunch of friends, a whole bunch of wackadoo different friends that tell him all kinds of crazy things, and they get into hijinks together. Yeah, and he does. My husband, he's,

he's got friends. He plays baseball with them. Okay. But I don't see myself doing those kinds of things. Okay. For the sake of your son, you are now. I gotta.

Yeah. So the path forward is you, mom, you take him out to a special meal just the two of you and let him know I've got to talk to you about something serious and special. And he'll go, oh, geez,

here we go again, mom. I don't want you to say magic words. I respect what he says. I know, because you've been doing it his whole life. You've been lecturing him, telling him that things are scary and people are awful and things are terrible and, and, and, and, and don't talk like that and be weary of your accent. People are going to make

fun of you and they're going to look, right? You've been telling that his whole life. 100%. And I feel awful about it. Okay, cool. And now it's time to change. You cannot change one second of what happened from right now into the past. But you can change everything about

what comes next. I want you to take him out. I want you to look him across the table. I want you to hold both of his hands and he's going to be all weird about it. Like mom and say, no, hold my hands. And I want you to say these magic words. I was wrong. I was wrong. I was scared for somebody to hurt my little boy again. And out of my own fear, I cast it on you. And I taught you to be afraid of the world. Are you going to get hurt in the world? Yes. But as the path forward to hide from the world, no, it's to become strong and confident in the face of what's coming. And those are two different things. Okay. That's number one. And he's going to say, okay, thanks mom. Fine, fine, fine. And I want you to make a commitment to yourself for the next, I don't know, 90 days, three months. You want to get weird?

Let's get weird. You, Iris, have to invite adult friends to your house once a week for the next 90 days. Your son has to see you have friends. Yep. And you can't be all awkward about it. And I know you're going to be because I'm super awkward. I read your book about it and I've been trying to

and it's like, how do I even tell people to be my friend? Let's move him off the side. Why do you think you're not worth having friends? I don't know. No, I don't even think it's that. I find it's a hard time connecting with others.

I maybe have a standard and I need to bring it down a notch. No, that's not it. What do you mean? What's your standard? I don't know. I want to do religion, but I'm Christian and I'd rather just be surrounded by people that think around the same

and kind of like that. But it's not even that. I don't know. I get that. I'm Christian too. And some of my best friends on planet Earth don't believe in anything. And that's okay. Maybe that's what I'm struggling with.

Of course, it's okay. They're still great moms and dads. Okay. They're amazing parents. We just disagree. And I love that. And I especially, here's what I especially love. I love my son and my daughter around people who do church different than us,

who do no church at all, who think differently than us. I love them around those great people while they're in my home. Because while they're in my home, they're going to ask me. When they leave my home, they're going to ask me when they leave my home, they're going to run into these people all over the place. And two things happen. Number one, they go to Google instead of me. And so I'm turning over virtue. I'm turning over development. I'm turning over value creation to the internet. When I had 18 years of my own home. That's number one. Number two, your kids are going to run into people who love differently than they do,

look differently than they do, speak different languages than they do, do religion differently than they do. And they're going to find they're amazing people and they're fun and they have great values and they're great parents. And then they're going to think, my mom was lying to me the whole time. I wonder what else she was lying to me about. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And so I'm trying to create a bubble and that's right. It never works out. Now, when you're a four or five year old, fine. Bubbles are good. But when your kid gets to be 12, he's got to have a bunch of knuckle-headed buddies he's running around doing stuff with.

Right? And how old are you? Where am I right now? 34. You need that too! You need that too! And here's the thing. I do, and I save it. If you think because of your particular

religion that you are above people you need to reimagine your religion no no it's not that I know but you said I need to lower my standard and so you do my own like I don't even know what I meant

yeah but it's true. So here's your homework. You've got to go make friends, and you have to do it where your kid can see it. Or, hey, you're on your own for dinner tonight, honey, because I'm going to hang out with my girlfriends. We're going to have fun. What?

You? Yes. Husband, son, y'all are on your own. And by the way, son, go with dad and watch him play baseball not to watch him play baseball does he do that? yeah, he takes him everywhere that's the beauty of them two

they have a beautiful relationship awesome, well he's getting to watch his dad have friends, which is good yeah that's fantastic, and then here's the other thing you have to start inviting other 12 year olds, 11 year olds Good. Yeah. That's fantastic. And then here's the other thing. You have to start inviting other 12-year-olds, 11-year-olds, 13-year-olds into your house. Okay.

And let it roll. Yeah. Obviously, keep him safe. Obviously, don't have him around violent or evil knuckleheads. It's not like I'm an LGBT kind of freak, clean freak. So, I'll work on it. You're a clean freak or TV kind of freak, clean freak. So I'll, I'll work on it. You're a clean freak or he is? Oh,

I am. So that's probably why we don't do anything in the house and everything. Okay. There was one, uh, there was one group recently that, uh, a couple that similarly, so either a homework assignment,

it's actually a, a show that we filmed. That's going to be coming out in a few weeks. I, one of their homework assignments was they had to have a different couple over every week and they had to mess up one thing in their living room, leave a basket of laundry out, leave plates with food on them in the sink. Because for some reason you've told yourself, you've taught yourself or somebody taught

you and you believe that your only value is being clean. That's right. Yep. And let me tell you something. I can tell you by just this phone call, you're probably pretty hilarious, aren't you? I can be. Yes, I bet you're really funny.

And I bet you're super hilariously opinionated about things, right? Yep. How do you know these things without even meeting me before? Because I can hear how you're communicating with me. I would like to hang out with you. I can hear how you're communicating with me. I would like to hang out with you.

Are you an amazing cook? Yep. Yep. I think so. I would love to sit at your table and eat and just completely get into arguments about politics with you. I would love that because I bet you're hilarious about it. And I bet you get so mad and then 13 seconds later, we're friends again. Yep.

Yes. Why would you rob your neighbors of how awesome you are? I don't know. Can I ask you a hard, hard question that's kind of mean? Go for it. When your husband and son are gone and the dishes are all clean

and everything's spotless, do you have that feeling of loneliness inside? Every time. Every time. You're worth having friends. And for God's sakes, don't give that pit in your stomach to your son too. I know. And that's why I'm calling. That's why I knew you had an answer.

Here's the thing. I'm saying this because I love you. He is very, very vulnerable right now. Here's why. He's going to crave desperately, like a drug, friendships and other people. And because he thinks there's something wrong with him, so much so that he was so weak that he had to be withdrawn from human contact, because his mom didn't come in and say, oh, you can't lift this. We're putting more weight on the bar, and we're going to do this every day until you get strong.

He's going to gravitate towards kids that will prey on him even more. And that's my fear. Right. So it created the thing, the very thing you were the most scared of. Yeah. Right.

And so he might need to go to counseling for a bit and learn some skills on how to deal with bullies. Okay. He might need a mom that's like, you can do anything. And who lets him try so that he's got able to stand up and when that bully says that's a stupid shirt you he can go man you got the best shirt on in school and the boy doesn't know what he's uh what what what right you can teach him some of those skills or better yet his

friends can he can continue to go play with his dad but at the end of the day he's gonna look with a side eye at his mom and he's gonna see her having friends and he's gonna see her not caring if there's an extra dish in the sink because she's got a group of women over and they're being loud and silly and arguing and he's gonna have a couple of knuckleheaded 12 year olds run around in the backyard and, and, and. Why? Because y'all are worth relationships. You're worth friendships. You're worth all of it. And we're not going to hang our head in shame.

Could we have done this differently? Yes. And are you a pretty amazing mom because you caught yourself and you want to do something different? Abso-freaking-lutely. I love you, Ford Iris. I'm so proud of you. Let's have that lunch, that breakfast,

that dinner today, tomorrow. I'm sorry. I cast my loneliness onto you, and I was wrong. Those kids that were ugly to you when you were six and seven and eight and nine,

we're done running because you're my son, and you should throw your head back, shoulders back, head held high because you're my son and you should throw your head back, shoulders back, head held high because you're my son. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you all the questions for humans, for kids, parents, friends, teens.

I'm going to send them all of them. And that would be a good gateway for you and him to start talking. And I'm going to send you the grownup ones too. I'm going to send you all the decks, all of them. I think we got like 20 of them, man. I'm going to send the whole truckload and you can use them with your friends. When you're sitting there feeling your heart starts to beat fast, like, oh, is my house clean enough? I don't know. You're going to have some

conversation starters. And by the way, I used them this morning with my 13 year old at our breakfast this morning. And he was kind of annoyed by him. He's like, dad, I just want to sit here. Nope. We're doing it. We're talking. And we got into some good conversations. I'm going to send them all to you to take away that, like, I don't know what to do next. I got you. I got you. Questions for humans.

I'm proud of you for making a change. But you got to go make the change. You're worth it. So is he. You're awesome. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves

behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself,

where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy.

You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp.

Visit betterhelp.com slash Diloni to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Diloni.

All right, let's go out to Tampa, Florida and talk to the great Steve. What's up, Steve? Hey, Dr. John. How are you? We're good, man. What's happening in your world? Oh, not much. Just trying to keep it together. Aren't we up, Steve? Hey, Dr. John, how are you? We're good, man. What's happening in your world?

Oh, not much. Just trying to keep it together. Aren't we all, man? Aren't we all? What's up, brother? How can I help? So I've been listening to your show for a long time. And one of the things you always tell people to do when they're struggling in their relationships and their marriages, turn all the lights on, have a conversation about what's going on and try to find a way moving forward.

And for me and my wife, she's been struggling with depression and anxiety for most of our marriage. And I've had those conversations multiple times. I've tried to go to counseling with her. I've gone to counseling myself and she just keeps getting darker and it just keeps getting worse. And I don't know how to love and support her when things just aren't getting better. What does she say?

Thank you for your heart, by the way, man. Um, it's a pretty amazing heart you have, dude. Thank you. What does she say when you turn the lights on and you say,

Hey, what, how can I love you? What does she say? Sometimes she'll say, yeah, we're, we, we need to move forward. We need to look at counseling. We need to look at changing some things and then it doesn't happen. Other times she says, I'm just not good enough. You'd be better off without me. That was the language I was wondering about. It sounds like she's done.

And you said something important. I tell people to turn the lights on and stop the music, not so we can all move forward together. That comes next. That's step two. Step one is look at the mess we've created. Look at the dance we're doing together. Do we want to keep doing this?

And if you both agree, oh my gosh, we did not mean for the party to get this out of control. Yes, we've got to make some changes. Then we start talking about how do we move forward together. Okay. So when I say it sounds like she's done Does that ring true to you Or do I sound crazy I don't have a vested interest in being right

I'm really asking you Yes and no There are times When she's in the dark places It seems like She's just done She wants to walk away And she doesn't want to be

involved with us or the kids, me and the kids anymore. And then after a period of her just kind of being by herself for a while, then she turns around and everything's fine. And when I try to have conversations in those times, it's like that past conversation never happened. She doesn't even recognize that it happened. So in those good days, it's fine. Is she bipolar? Has she been diagnosed with bipolar disorder? She has not.

She has not. She's not been diagnosed with anything. But it seems like depression and anxiety, maybe even bipolar. I think it would be important for her to go get a true psychological evaluation. And I know I'm frustrated by the diagnostic system, but sometimes it's very, very important. Yeah. Because my initial question is, what is her body trying to tell her by being anxious and depressed all the time?

And what I'm hearing is you've got two healthy kids. Is that right? Three healthy kids? Yeah. You're probably not a perfect husband, but be honest with me. Are you a pretty good husband? Do you try pretty hard? I try.

Okay. Sometimes I succeed. Are you? I was going to say, sounds like a soul. Do you scream and yell in the house? Do you punch holes in the sheetrock? I haven't punched a hole in the sheetrock for about 10 years, but I do scream on occasion. Okay.

We're done with that today, right? Mm-hmm. Do I have your word you're done with that? Yes. Screaming in a house is what children do. We're done with that. Okay, do you cheat on her? Absolutely not.

Do you go to work? No, I work from home. Do you have a job? That's what I'm getting at. Yes, yes. Okay, so you provide. Mm-hmm. Okay.

I wonder if something bigger is at play. It seems like it. Okay. It seems like it's just something she's struggling with, and I can't, I don't know how to help. Okay. Here's the thing. You can't unless she invites you in.

Mm-hmm. And if it becomes sinister or dark or she's hurting herself or she's hurting you or she's hurting the children, you have to take action to keep people safe, which is different than trying to quote unquote fix your marriage. Has she ever been suicidal? She has mentioned it on occasion. Okay. What does that mean? Mentioned it like I wish I just wasn't here

or last night I almost took my life? More like mentioned if I just wasn't here. Okay. Would she be open to going to meet with a psychologist and get an evaluation? I've talked about it a time

or two and when we have the conversations, she says she will, but then she doesn't want to follow through on it. Okay. It might be important for you to make an appointment. Okay.

And she's going to have to fill out paperwork for that appointment, but I think it's important for you to sit down and say, I'm now scared. I'm scared I'm going

to lose you. I'm going to lose I'm scared I'm going to lose you. I'm going to lose this home. I'm going to lose my family. And I'm not going down without a fight. And even if you have to offer as well, I'm going to go get a psychological evaluation for me. I want to be better at this. I want you to come and get one too.

You've said you would in the past. I've made us an appointment and I've taken off of work. I will drive. Okay? Yeah. If you have somebody that you love and they are in a very dark place,

depression is so, so real. I don't talk about depression a lot because it manifests differently than anxiety does, even though they're on the same trend line. When people talk about depression, they often use words like pain because the parts in the brain that process emotional pain also process physical pain.

It is a disaster. True depressive disorders, okay? And so it's easy if you don't have depression to look and say, just make the call. Yeah. And they look at you with that look in their eye and they say, my body won't make the call. Right. Yeah. I know that look. And yeah, you know, so similar, if you saw her drowning, you would jump in and pull her out of the water. Then sometimes I'm going to make the phone call. Okay? Yeah.

So I think, and often people don't want to go alone. They don't want to be the weird isolated one. Cool. I'll get a workup too. That's fine. And it's going to be very expensive and it's going to be worth every penny of it for our family. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That's, that's something I can do. Okay. But, yeah. When you sit down with her, the conversation has to be about Steve

and Steve's fear and worry and concern for the family. And her, your concern over her health and her peace. Okay. Okay. That might be where I've struggled in the past.

It's been more about what I've seen in her, not necessarily how I am. My guess is people have been telling her her whole life what she should be doing differently or better. Mm-hmm. And when she gets it from the guy that she loves, her defense mechanisms just take over. That makes sense.

And some people's defense mechanisms send them to war and they scream and fight and punch and kick back. And some people's defense mechanisms just shut the whole thing down.

Yeah. She come from a pretty tough upbringing? Yes. Yeah. Yeah, her parents were difficult. Yeah. Her body may have put a GPS pin in mom and dad, and that GPS pin is sounding every alarm

every time you enter into that space. Yeah, that makes sense. Maybe you start the conversation a little bit differently. Say, I've been trying to fix you for a long time and I don't think you're broken. I think you're my lovely, beautiful wife. And I'm sorry for not trusting you and your body. She might look at you like, what did you do with my husband? Where is he? Where's Steve? But I think if you make it about you, I'm scared.

Because I love you so much, I can't even breathe. And I'm scared for how you feel. I'm scared for our kids. I'm scared for me. I'm scared for my marriage. Yeah. And I'll go to hell and back to come get you. Will you go to the doctor with me?

Okay. Yes. You think she would, would she respond to that? That feels safer. It feels safer. She, she might respond to that.

It's at least something different, you know? Okay. And maybe you want to do something gangster, write her a letter and read it to her. Yeah. And then let her, let her have it. Cause sometimes a brain that's struggling with depression, it,

it has to go through a warbly processing center that can take even the most lovely sentiments, the most lovely kind things and twist them around like, Oh, you said that because you hate me. Right. Yeah. And so when you write a letter to somebody who's struggling with depression and you read it to them, their body feels that safety even when their mind is telling them it's not safe. And then you leave that letter and it gives them a chance to go back and go back and go back. Something tangible.

Yeah. And over time, that's actually not what he said. He said he'll be here forever because he loves me so much. He didn't say I was crazy. He didn't say he was going to leave me. He said he was scared because he loves me so much. That's a good idea.

And also, if you're like me, I get these big grandiose moments. I'm going to have this big conversation and then I get all nervous and I screw it up, right? So writing it down sometimes gives me some clarity, a path forward. But my friend, Steve, I'm so proud of you, dude, for loving your wife.

And I'm proud of you for looking in the toolkit you got and say, okay, I've been trying to hang drywall with this hammer and a ruler. I need different tools because this isn't cutting it. And I appreciate that. Give this a shot and don't hesitate to call me back, man. And by the way, you might make this big presentation, read this thing to her, tell her you love her, tell her you're scared for you and that you're scared for her health and you want to know how you can love her better. You've made the appointments with a psychologist

to get a workup. If you can't afford both of them, that's fine. You can call and get her set up and she might say, I'm not ready to go. I love you. I want to get together once a week, just a quiet private date with us. And I'm going to send you the both questions

for humans decks cards as well. I'm going to send you both questions for humans set decks cards as well. I'm going to send them to you, the couples cards, and I want you all just to use them. You don't have to talk about anything that's going wrong in the house.

All you're doing is slowly connecting. You're building a bridge underneath a car hanging over an overpass. You're building a second bridge so that when the big one falls, you've got something to catch.

You're just building connection. And then you can say, hey, have you thought about going to that appointment? Still on the books. Yeah, I'll go. I'll drive. Yeah, I'll go. And now we're in business.

Just lucky to have you, brother. Call me anytime. Anytime. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out

or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we're back.

And it's time for another end of show installment of I'm the Problem, It's Me. All right. Today's is from Caitlin. Hold on. I'm the Problem, Is It Me? Right? I've just been calling it I'm the Problem. You call it what you want. I'm the problem. Is it me? Right? Whatever. I've just been calling it I'm the problem.

You call it what you want. I'm the problem. I just love Taylor Swift. Okay. This is from Caitlin in North Carolina. My husband works out of town three to four days at a time. We have a two-and-a-half-year-old and a three-month-old. My two-and-a-half-year-old has a fever for the fourth night in a row and wants me to rock him,

and my three-month needs to go down to sleep. Thankfully, my husband is home, so I asked him to lay the baby down. He was trying to get insurance for a vehicle we have and had to stop so he could help me. He gets annoyed and says, there's not enough time in the day. This is your job. Am I crazy for asking him to help with the kids when he's home? I'm a stay-at-home mom, and I feel like I'm drowning sometimes in situations, albeit rare, like this one. But at the same time, we agreed when I quit my job to be a stay-at-home mom that this would be my job.

I hate feeling like this. Am I the problem? Ooh. No, you're not the problem. Good God. Ah! Wow. Ah, wow. Okay, imagine this. Guys who are at work,

imagine you are a vice president and you're in a suit and you're walking down the hallway and there is somebody who's a part of the custodial team and they're cleaning up and they're emptying one trash can into a bigger trash sack, and they drop a plastic cup on the ground.

Would you look at them and say, you pick that up, that's your job. No, you wouldn't do that. You would go, oh gosh, I got it, I got it, I got it. And you'd reach down and you put that plastic cup and you pick it up and you drop it in there. Yet to our wives who leave their professional jobs to stay at home, we have in our mind, that's her job and this is my job.

That's not how home life works. You can set up job descriptions. Hey, you're going to manage the house while I go make money. And you make sure this, and I'll make sure this, that sounds all good. And then life happens. And then you're emptying the trash and some of it falls And human beings stop and help each other pick up trash. I don't care what your job title is I don't care how much money you make similarly Man, I really want to get this thing done That could by the way have been done in hotel rooms and in airports across the country But you waited till you got home. That's fine. And your wife says hey hey, I need some help. This could be your moment, man, where you're like, yes, finally, I can help.

Right? Here's the deal. Most dads, most of the time, feel like they don't have any value with their presence. I'm just going to go drop a three-month-old into a bassinet. That's my job today. I need a bigger job than that. One that I do well. Like shopping insurance. Go be awkward and go be weird and go pick up the baby. No, the problem is not you. Moms, ask for help. Ask for help. Husbands, step up. New dads, step up new dads, step up everybody has the same job description when it comes to raising kids it's all in, all the time love you guys, bye