The Dr. John Delony Show - I'm Having Sexual Dreams About My Mother-in-Law, etc.

Episode Date: April 7, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   How should I mentally & physically prepare myself & kids for my husband’s deployment? I’m having sexual dreams about my mother-in-law. Even when I’m awake the thoughts are in my head. How do I shift that especially when I have to interact with her? I don't have any real friends. How do I make friends, and make friends that will stick around? Is it even possible to make friends at my age? Lyrics of the Day: "Blitzkrieg Bop" - The Ramones   As heard on this episode: BetterHelp   tags: military, marriage, parenting, family, friendship, sexuality/intimacy, counseling/therapy   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk about adult themes, so watch out for the little ears in the room. And for God's sake, do not listen to this with your in-laws, okay? We're going to be talking about preparing for deployment as a family. We're going to be talking about intimate dreams that we don't want to have. And we're going to be talking about friendship and what happens when you're in your 30s and 40s and you realize, I don't have any friends. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Thanks for hanging out. Hope you're doing well. Hope you're staying well. Hope you're being kind. We're so

glad that you're here. You want to talk about your relationships, your friends, your mental health, your work, whatever's going on in your life. Give me a shout. 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Hey, that just reminds me. Do we even say one anymore?

Or do we just say 844? Yeah, I stumped the 01 kid. Because last time I told everybody to do WWW, and y'all looked at me like I got here in a covered wagon. Yeah, the one at the beginning of phone numbers is the equivalent of the WWW. You're right. God, man, I'm getting so old. This is ridiculous.

All right, so hey, this morning I was doing some media hits, and where you get Derek. He is the host of a morning show in Charlotte. And one of the questions came up was about anxiety and kids going back to school. And it got me thinking, I think I've said this on this show and I've said it on other shows, other podcasts. Please put this in your back pocket, in your front pocket, and in the front of your head and in your soul. I hear so many parents talking about, oh my goodness, kids are finally going back to school after spring break, right? Schools are starting to open up across the country. They've been open for a month or two months. They're opening back up.

Workplaces are slowly starting to open back up. And I'm hearing this phrase a lot. I can't wait till things get back to normal. I'm so excited my kid's going to go to school. I can't wait to get back in the office. Things are going to be back to normal. There is no going back. There's no business as usual. Everything moving forward is going to be new. So here's what I want you to do. When your kids go back to school, it's going to be really exciting at first. There's going to be a big drop off and then things are going to get hard.

When you go back to the office, it's going to be weird and there's going to be that guy in the corner. There's going to be the person who just wants to hug everybody and you're like, I'm pretty sure you're super spreader, right? And there's going to be the mask people

and the not mask people and the anger people and the vax police and the non-vax. Give everybody grace. Assume that people are doing the best they can what they have and if you got kids going back to school be hyper hyper intentional about plugging in with them hyper intentional about talking when you on the way to school talk on the way home and i don't care if they're 15 17 or six this is going to be hard this is going to be weird I want you to be connected with boundaries what does that mean it means man if my

my 17 year old got home it's like dad I've been stuck in my house for a year everybody's getting together for a party if I wouldn't have let him go to this thing before COVID. Don't let him go now, right? Don't compound a mistake, man. You get all a year's worth of pent up like, I just remember being stuck in my house for a few weeks. What we ended up doing as kids, I can't imagine, right? What it would be like to be stuck, wrapped up inside a home for a year and then let out in the wild, right? It's going to be release the hound. So make sure your kid's connecting with you. Make sure you're connecting with your partner. Make sure you're talking to your kids.

Make sure they're connecting with their friends and make sure you got boundaries too, right? There is no old life. It's over. You want to come up with a program to torture children, lock them in their house for a year with no friends and make them stare at a screen. I mean, we did what we had to do, and now we're starting to open it back up. Life is going to be new. We've got to do new things.

Just get that out of your head and focus on building something new, right, moving forward. All right, we've got a packed show, and we've got a wild show today. So let's get right to the phones. Let's go to Melinda in San Antonio, Tejas. What's up, Melinda? Hey, Dr. Deloney. How are you? I'm doing good. I'm excited to talk to you. I'm excited to talk to you. And by the way, I just was like, hey, what's up? I don't know why I'm yelling. We're just having a conversation on the phone. I just went and made it all weird. So sorry about that. So what's up? How's it going? It's going really good. I wanted to ask how to mentally prepare our family for my husband's upcoming deployment.

Is this his first one? Second. Second one. Okay, so tell me about the first one. So the first one, it was a nine-day notice, but we kind of ripped the band-aid early on. Woo! Yeah. How long was he gone?

For about seven and a half months nine days and seven and a half months yeah whoa that is slapping up flip it reverse it dude that's quick so that so y'all got through it i guess right we did we did we did get through it we um we came out of our marriage a lot stronger okay our kids at the time um but we're about one and three ish oh my gosh so they i mean they didn't know any better so it was it was kind of like thinking back now it was kind of easy um now fast forward they're five and seven so now it's you know they're more attached so that's why I'm kind of like wanting to seek more advice on how to go around at this go around. Yeah, for sure. Okay, so you got a five and a seven-year-old.

How long have y'all been married? We've been married for going on seven and together for 11. Okay. Dude, islands in the stream. That's what y'all are, dude. That's awesome. Seven and 11. Very cool. And then, hey, what did you learn last time that helped improve your marriage? Communication is really key.

What does that mean? That means if I'm having a hard time, I kind of need him to be my ear. Okay. kind of need him to be my ear okay you know through the good and the bad um and on his side he kind of like puts like i don't know he there's a boundary like he can tell me about all the work stuff but at the same time i can't understand all that he's going through right yeah and that that's one of the most common things i hear from couples and especially from the person who's deployed is how do I stay present in my relationship at home and not let them know what's actually going on here and not let them know, hey, we were, you know, drove over an IUD today and not fill in the

blank, right? And be fully present there there but all yeah it just becomes really tricky and how do you as mom get to have a bad day when you know he's over there doing god knows what right so it's that mess man so what are some tricks you guys learned to communicate better um i guess just uh making time you know when the kids are asleep or, you know, being on opposite schedules, making that time, whether it's super early for him or it's super late for me, like making time that we can actually, you know, just have a conversation, whether it's like just talk like we would regularly, but outside of all the background, like our situation and whatnot. Yeah, I think that would be. So when does he leave? Sometime this summer. Okay, so you've got a few months to plan for this.

Mm-hmm. Are you going to have time to do a vacation together or do something fun together, or is it going to be work, work, work, and then we're out of here? We've been taking vacations. So the fifth deployment, we've known it for about nine months ahead of time. Okay. That's like good and bad. We're able to plan it better.

But it's bad in the sense it's kind of like dragging and getting dreadful. Yeah, and it keeps going and going. So what do your kids think about this? We haven't told them yet. What? Yeah, we don't. Melinda, why? Why?

We will. We just don't want to drag it for them either. Okay. So we were thinking like two, three months before he actually does, you know, deploy to go ahead and let them know that this is what's going to be happening. Okay. Your heart and his heart are in the right place. And it is, but it's out to be happening. Okay. Your heart and his heart are in the right place. And it is, but it's out in the yard. Okay.

So you want to give them time to digest this, internalize this, and norm this. Okay. Okay. And there's several ways you guys can do this as a couple. And there's some really cool ways y'all can do this as a couple. Here's the thing. They're going to miss their dad. You're going to miss your husband. Y'all's family unit is going to have a big gaping hole in it, right? And the Band-Aid thing can kind of work for grownups because you guys have multiple frames of references. This is their world and giving

them some heads up in ways that they can see and feel and understand really makes a difference. It turns it into a hard time. It switches it from it being a hard time to trauma. Okay. Dad disappearing after a nine-day notice or a two-week notice is a, like that's an explosion in a child's mind. Dad going through some things and we know this is going to happen and here's the day and here's when this happens. That is

something they can digest in little pieces. Okay. So here's a couple of things that I would recommend y'all do that can be a lot of fun. It'll be hard, but it'll be a lot of fun. Okay. Okay. First thing is, is I would get on Amazon or I would have your husband check around base. There's going to be some children's literature about mom or dad deploying. And what we want to do is we want to not leave what deployment looks like to your kids' imagination. We want to paint that in as clear a picture as possible. Reading stories to kids where they see themselves, they see daddy, they see mommy, is a beautiful way to let the kids digest it in a way that they can, you know, through a cartoon, right? So I'd get online and see if you can buy some books and then just make reading at night a part of your rhythm moving forward.

Do you all do that anyway? We do. Okay, awesome. So this is just some new literature you can introduce this weekend. You can get on Amazon today and order it and they'll be here by the weekend and you can start that.

The second thing is begin, hopefully this doesn't sound cheesy, but I want this to become part of your rhythm so that when they go, it's a part of their rhythm. Begin a weekly, hey, we're going to make a thing for dad, you and the kids. And have your husband do a weekly, I'm going to make something for the kids. And then you all can exchange them in person.

And I want you and him to do the best you can to make this really grand gestures. Wow, this is so awesome. Big hugs, big music swells, like the whole thing, right? And it can be funny cards and silly cards and a weird art project with hair and grass, whatever kids are up to. You know, kids are doing stuff. But I want them to get a picture of what it looks like when dad opens this or that. Because then when they do these things and you mail them to them,

or you have a weekly Skype call with the kids and your husband overseas, they're going to be able to remember that and have a touch point to it, right? And so it's going to become part of this rhythm that you can continue when he's overseas. Another thing you may want to do is once a week, have him call them on FaceTime, on Skype. They can get used to that conversation, that way of talking, and it can be silly and fun. They can come up with a game that they're going to do naturally. And then when he goes overseas and you do a weekly call with the kids and you get everybody on, then again, they're able to have some touch point feelings. We remember that when dad was inside and he was in the garage and now he's

overseas and this was pretty cool. And it's not going to be easy. It's not going to be fun. And here's one last thing I would recommend. See if your husband would be willing to do little bits of PT with them, little bits of training, little bits of, hey, we're going to dress up and so that they can have a mental picture of what's dad's day like when he's overseas. Is he jogging and working out? Is he having to do pushups and sit-ups and the kids can climb all over him? Does he have to do jujitsu practice? Does he have to stand at attention really tall? Does he have to do some of those things? And again, all we're trying to do is to connect pictures to their reality, right? And then when he goes overseas, is it going to be hard? Yes. Is it going to be so sad? Yes. Are there going to be

tears and hugs? Yes. But man, they are not going to have to invent what his life looks like because they'll have some pictures of what that's going to look like and give them time to process this. Do you guys do things together? Do you all have meals together regularly? Breakfast and dinner we try to really have together as a family. I love, love that. So one thing that I would introduce, and you may already do this, do you all do some sort of best and worst or the hardest laugh of the day or your favorite thing of the day?

No, we don't. So start that tonight. Hey, new thing, kids. We're doing a new thing in our house. What's your B&Ws? What's the best thing? What's the worst thing that happened? What's the hardest thing?

What's the funniest thing? And begin to introduce some of those things so that when you're having to text to your husband the next morning, if the kids have to go to bed and they don't get to see him or talk to him or text with him, you can say, hey, I got dad's B&Ws from last night. Again, another touch point. So as you hear me saying that, does that sound doable or are you still kind of freaked out that they're going to know so far in advance? That kind of puts it in a different perspective i know i love these ideas especially the little pt training i think the both kids would love love because they always want to go to work with him okay and so i think that one in the bmw you know it would it just

would spark more conversation between us so you are a mom that had to hold it together with a one and a three-year-old. I don't know how you did that. That's pretty impressive. And you said our marriage even, your marriage even got better. Tell me what's going on in your heart and mind during this transition. I'm nervous, super, super nervous. I'm currently, I don't know, I'm getting getting emotional I just may be thinking about it you're getting emotional because your husband's

about to go overseas that's okay I'm currently full time in nursing school as well okay so I'll be in my last year and so just trying to like

balance it all making sure the kids know I'm present yeah even though my schedule's gonna be crazy so Kelly gave me a heads up before this call even though my schedule is going to be crazy. So Kelly gave me a heads up before this call,

and I wanted to make sure I talked to somebody who's got some actual experience with this. So I actually called my good buddy, John, who is an active Navy SEAL, and said, hey, what would you recommend? What would you and your wife recommend? Because they've been through this. They've got kids. And the first thing he said, you know what he said was, make sure she has a gang, a group of people not even in the military.

Sometimes that can be toxic, right? And where everyone just talks and it kind of gets gossipy. You may have a great circle of military wives, but I want you to start cultivating people that will be in your corner on those hard days, on those exhausting days, on final exam and midterm days, on rotation days. That they will be able to show up when you text them and say, hey, can somebody help with dinner? And there will be no questions asked. They're just going to be your ride or die for the next year. And if you take out a group of friends, you got a couple of friends like that

now, like just, yeah, I knew you would. You sound awesome. If you have those folks and you take them out and say, Hey, I'm starting to get a little bit, cause my husband's going to leave again in a few months. I want to be able to count on you and I'll pay for pizza and beer sometimes but there's going to be nights I text you and call you and I want you to have this conversation over a meal I want them to feel special and I want you to let them know how important they are to you and make it a moment

and let them know what they mean to you and then say there's going to be nights I'm going to call you will you just go pick up some kind of garbage food for us to get us through the night and they will be empowered and feel awesome and feel good. And it's going to give them some purpose, somebody to support and love and care on while you're going through what you're going through. And I know you did this last time. Don't forget to stay in connection and communication with your husband.

Always, always I want to take a moment to honor the servicemen and women who go overseas. And I always want to take a moment and honor the servicemen and women, spouses, girlfriends, boyfriends who are staying at home, raising kids, trying to get through school, holding down life. That is a tough, tough gig. Melinda, I'm so grateful for you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your call. Thank you for your service. Let me know how those conversations go with your kids and let us know how that works out.

It will be a blessing and a gift to other families in your same situation. So thanks for the call. All right, let's go to Joseph in Cleveland, Ohio. What's up, brother Joseph? How are we doing? Good, how are you doing, Dr. John? You know what? I was going to come up with something clever. I don't have a clever thing,

so I'll just say I'm doing pretty good, man. Sometimes you just jump and then there's no water in the pool. That's just what happened right then. So what's up, man? I feel that. I feel that. Awesome. I can already tell it's going to be a fun call. So what's up? I've been having some really, really reoccurring, annoying dreams regarding myself and my mother-in-law. Okay. More of an intimate, personal relationship kind of dream, you know? Yeah.

Awkward. Makes it awkward, you know? I'm not going to imagine it, but I'll take your word for it. How about that? Yeah, that works. Um, it's gotten so like frequent that the point that like, even when I'm trying to like, you know, not be there mentally in when I'm awake and around my family. And it's just frustrating because it's like, I've talked with my wife about it. She's cool because it's like, it's a dream.

It's not like you're doing anything. So, Hey, hold on. All things just stopped. Every digital, like zero and one just stopped turning. Just now you told your wife about this.

How'd that go? It was awkward, but my wife and I have a relationship that are like, Hey, listen, that may be the understatement of planet Earth. Like, I... I mean, it was awkward. Yeah, I know this is nothing to call it.

It was more awkward for me because, like, her mom is one of those people that, like, her friends in high school would make comments to her about her mom so it's like she's beautiful yes okay and so your wife said to deal with this forever right yes okay and i wasn't weird when i said anything to my wife about it like she completely understood she's like you're not the first guy to have a dream and it just so happens to be like about my mom. Hey, hold on.

Like, you're being for real. That's a real conversation y'all had? Yeah. And she was just like, cool, man. She was like,

hey, it's, it's just a dream. You can't control what you dream about. As frustrating as it is, as real as it is, it's not real.

But like, Listen, I don't know what you, I don't know what you did in another life, but like, listen, I don't know what you, I don't know what you did in another life, but you married so well every day of your life. You should get down on both knees and just be like, thanks man. Yep.

And she like, my wife is an angel on earth and she's 37 weeks pregnant. And she's 37 weeks pregnant. Yes, sir. Wow. Wow. Okay. So, man, we're not even talking about the dream. I just can't even believe. One, you're brave, and you're like one of the core principles of the show, man,

is that secrets destroy relationships. And right when you told me that, I thought, oh, my gosh, man, just the tension that would be in your home. You had enough courage to say that, and you may have had enough courage to say that because it sounds like your wife is a, just a really remarkable human being. So when you say recurring, they're happening, how often are these dreams happening? Probably once every other week. Okay. And how often are you in proximity to your mother-in-law?

Pretty frequent. Like we go to the same church. We have dinner with them at least once a week. Okay. We're very close to my wife's parents. Okay. And so it keeps happening and you're now starting to feel awkward in the real world. Yeah. Because like I'm about to be a dad to a daughter, and I am just like, it's awkward for my own mental space because my brain is just like, oh, hey, remember that dream that happened last night? And I'm like, I would really like to not think about that over Thanksgiving dinner right now. Thank you. Yep.

Everyone in the United States just nodded their head and they were like, yeah, I can pretty much see that. Yeah. We're all with you on this one, Joseph. All right. Perfect. So is this dream a replay? Is it essentially the same narrative every time? Is it different? Don't get gratuitous, man. I don't want that stuff in my head. But walk me through. Different scenario, same end result. Okay. All right. So here's the thing. Good for you and your wife.

Sex dreams are almost never about sex. They are, intimate dreams are almost never about intimacy. They're about, I mean, they can be about a million different things, but they're often about being accepted, being deemed worthy, being deemed up to, you know, that you've got a valued place here. And so what is your relationship like with your mother-in-law? Fantastic. Like she has said, she's made comments to my wife that she thinks of me like her own kid um we're very close and like she talks to me and my wife a lot about stuff going on in her own personal life and not nothing like too in detail just like she talks with us

and we have open conversations and it's, yeah. So there's no hierarchy, there's no rule. You're not walking around feeling like, uh, I'm not, I didn't, I didn't, she's disappointed in who you, her daughter married. Everybody's rocking and rolling and feeling great about life. Yeah. Okay. So here's two things.

One, um, I'm not a psychologist and psychologists spend time interpreting dreams and most people will tell you dream interpretation is voodoo, right? It's got some reality, but usually it's the reality is how it makes you feel. So that's my question to you. Are you carrying shame around about this? Are you annoyed by it? Are you frustrated by it? Do you like it? Like, what's going on in your heart and your head here? The all of the above. Okay. That's the best way that I can answer that. Like, everything that I love about my wife, it's she got from her mom.

Okay. But she's not your mom. No, no, no. She's not her mom okay um but she's not your mom no no she's not her mom yeah that's what i meant yeah she's not her mom yeah i i get that and it's like it's just unfortunate that like the person that i am married to has all these great qualities that her mom also has and it just like it's not unfortunate yeah i was like say, it's not unfortunate. Yeah, I was going to say, why is that unfortunate? It sounds awesome. Hold on. It's fantastic because they're great people. It's just I don't want that image of my mother-in-law, you know? Okay.

So do you want to stop that dream? Yes. Okay. So I'm going to – I know of one thing that is from the nightmare research. It's from Dr. Joyner, and he's an extraordinary researcher, a suicide researcher. But he walks through really a clear step-by-step path on how to deal with nightmares. And this isn't a nightmare. This may not work.

This is the best I've got. And what I would tell you is, in short order, if this doesn't work, you need to go see somebody, a psychologist, probably not a therapist, probably a psychologist, who is going to walk you through other things about this dream. Here's the challenge for you.

I think you like having this dream. You don't like what it means for you in the real world. Is that fair? Yeah, that's fair. And as long as you like having the dream, man, it's going to recur and it's going to recur, especially if there's no power dynamic.

You're going to have to make a decision that I don't want this in my head anymore. Okay? I honestly, I don't think you're there yet. I think you're more freaked out by it's kind of weird and it's not super common you're probably gonna call your buddies and be like dudes guess what you're not gonna do that and right so it's more you feel like a freak but you like it and until you decide i don't want this man it's gonna keep looping back on you. But here's the rundown. You have to re-script this, as the way Dr. Joyner calls it. You have to re-script this in writing. So you have to

write out the scenario, and then you have to write out an alternative ending. So let's say you are, I don't know, you come home to your house, and mother-in-law's there and there's nobody else there. And every time you have this dream, it always ends with a certain outcome, right? You're going to re-script this. You're going to see that your mother-in-law's there. You're going to choose to get back in your car and you're going to leave. And then you're going to go somewhere else. And then when you get home, your mother-in-law's not going to be there anymore.

She's going to go somewhere else. And then when you get home, your mother-in-law is not going to be there anymore. She's going to quit showing up. And then throughout the day, after you have written this down, you have to run this narrative through your head multiple times. You have to practice it on a regular basis. He would say you have to retell the new version of the dream throughout the day. And what it does, it resets your mind. It creates a new path for this dream to head down once that ball gets

pushed down the hill. Does that make sense? Yeah. Tell me if I'm crazy. I don't think you're going to do that. Like do the writing things out. It sounds fantastic. And I would love to not have this dream anymore.

I really would. Really? Yeah. Okay. I mean, I, I'm fundamentally a guy and it's like, I know biologically great whoopty do,

but like mentally and where I want to be with my wife, like, cause we want to be pastors and like, I don't want any crap holding me down, you know? Yes, I do. Um, my guess is there's other things here that we can't handle on a show. Have you been to counseling recently? No. Why do been to counseling recently? No. Why do you laugh at that? No,

I, sorry, we're working through, uh, Dave Ramsey's baby steps right now and it's not in the budget for counseling and stuff. So here's what also is not in the budget. Divorce.

Here's what also is not in the budget. An absolute train wreck between your mother-in-law and you and a new baby girl and all of the derivative mess that's going to happen. Okay? You don't have money not to do this. But my guess is you've got stuff in there that you got to talk to talk about is that fair or am

i crazy no that's probably fair okay so here's the thing you have a more connected relationship than probably anyone i've ever heard of you're the first person i i have ever heard that my life they would have told their wife what kind of dreams are happening. Okay. So I want to high five to you and high five to your wife. Awesome. Awesome.

Awesome. That's a great foundation to start from. I also think you've got some demons in there. You've got some conversations you need to have with yourself, with your past, with your legacy, with your heritage there. It's worth going to spend some time with a counselor. Especially if you're going to take on a job where your job is to care for other people. The third thing is, man, I want you to try this. I want you to sit down tonight by yourself. You're

not going to show this to anybody. I don't want you to rewrite this script. Rewrite it. And then for the next week, I want you to fold this piece of paper up, put it in your pocket and go through it a few times a day. I show up at my house. I walk in, my mother-in-law's there. I say, hey, I'll see you later. You turn around, get back in your car and you drive away. And then a couple hours later, pull that piece of paper out. When you think about it, read through this script, make a mental picture of you walk in the house, you turn and walk away.

And do that several times, do that several times, do that several times. And then when you have, if the dream goes away, great. Dr. Joyner is the smartest guy ever and you're healed. And I'm probably going to just start a dream show after that.

If not, then you're right back where you started. You don't lose anything, right? And then you can have something else to talk about with your counselor. But man, that's a big deal. It's a big deal. And here's the thing. You said it best at the beginning, and I want to make sure everybody hears this. Number one, when it comes to dreams, don't ever feel embarrassed or secretive or weird. Maybe in this case, right? I was going to say never have secrets.

I mean, if you're dreaming about your mother-in-law or your father-in-law, maybe hang on to that one yourself. Maybe don't bring that home and just be like, hey, everybody. I would probably say in my house, I'm having some really disturbing dreams that I don't want to talk about, but they're really making me uncomfortable and um i may go talk to somebody about it because they keep showing up and they're happening every other week every other week every other week if you're one of the most common things i i hear is hey my wife had a a dream an intimate dream about an old boyfriend or had an intimate dream about somebody at work

or something, man, be as hard as it's going to be, be curious, not judgmental, right? That doesn't mean she wants to cheat on you. That doesn't mean she's dreaming about her ex-boyfriend. I mean, she's literally dreaming about her ex-boyfriend, but that doesn't mean that she's pining away for her ex-boyfriend, right? And vice versa. It's almost never about that person, right? But sitting on them creates secrets, which create division, which creates da-da-da-da-da. And you find out that you are way far apart from one another, way down opposite roads. But man, hey, I want you to, Joseph, I want you to try this and let me know how it goes. Man, we'll be, I'll be thinking about this one for a minute, man. Alright, let's take one more call.

Let's go to Vanessa in Orlando. Vanessa, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. What's up? So, I am going to be 37 this year and I don't really have any friends and I

don't know how to make friends. That sucks, doesn't it? It really does. I hate that for you. Are you new to town? Tell me about not having any friends. Well, I'm just, I don't know, I'm shy and I'm awkward. Hey, me too.

I am too. Hey, listen, I was walking into the building today and there was two people that i work with they're awesome they're awesome and instead of saying hey what's up you know what i did i went oh i made some weird like noise and i just stopped in the parking lot and i was like i i just made that so weird unnecessarily. I should have just said, hey, what's up, guys? Like a normal person. I remember in college, my friend Mitch showed up and I ran over to, I still, anyway, I'm

awkward and shy too. It's good to meet another one of you. You made my heart feel a little bit better today. All right, so you are, I just made this all about me. Sorry, Vanessa. I just had a, almost like had a confession. This is my confession. Okay. So you are awkward and weird in, in how long have you not had friends? The majority of my life. Okay. Tell me, tell me when you remember not having friends. Um, it was in 1991. I was...

You remember the date? I do. It was very traumatic. Yikes. Okay. We moved from my nice, stable environment to a very nice, not nice, unstable environment. We moved to a village. It was literally a village. The population was 100.

How old were you when you moved? I believe I was about six. Oh, man. Yikes. And, you know, my parents had recently got divorced. My mom started dating somebody else and they just kind of uprooted us and shifted us away. So everything in my life, everything in my life changed. I had to start taking a school bus. I had to go to a new school, new teachers, no friends, nothing. And it sounds really silly, but I was the only kid in the school that had red hair. Hey, Vanessa, Vanessa, listen, that's not silly at all. Kids are evil to each other and every little kid is walking around insecure. And so they lean on differences.

They lean on the sore thumb sticking out. They lean on the new kid. They lean on the redhead kid. They lean on the no haired kid. They lean on the new kid they lean on the redhead kid they lean on the the no-haired kid they lean on whatever right there is nothing weird about that and you layer that challenge right being the only redhead kid with being the tall girl or the short girl or the pudgy girl you label that on top of parents divorce on top of hey's good, all of a sudden everything's ripped out. Man, you've got a lifelong seed that was planted at six that is still growing strong at 37, right?

Yes. So listen, do not, please, I'm not telling you what to do. You're a grownup. I'm just asking you as a neighbor. Don't minimize that. That sucks, and I hate that. Okay. That's hard.

So fast forward through middle school and high school, sometimes the awkward kids pair off and make friends with awkward kids. That's what I did. I had awkward friends that played music together and awkward friends that I was a good athlete, so we got to hang out with, you know, the cool kids and, but at awkward kids lived on my street. I mean, I was just felt like I was surrounded by cool, fun, awesome, also awkward kids. I think in retrospect, every kid in high school is awkward, but, um, did you, it sounds like you navigated your way through middle school and high school, just pretty much alone? Um, up until high. Like, I didn't really have any friends until 10th grade.

And then a couple of fellow weirdos kind of took me under their wing. And that was awesome. But after high school, everybody just kind of scattered. And we all lost touch with each other. And I actually grew up in Canada and then I married an American and we moved, you know, down to the States. And so, you know, I kind of started fresh,

started over, didn't know anybody, never really fit in with anybody down here or up there because I'm in Florida now. We were in Indiana. And then when we got divorced, I packed up and I was like, tired of the winter, I'm tired of the cold, I'm going to Florida. Hey, Vanessa, why did your marriage not work out? There was a lot of reasons, but the main reason was that my ex-husband convinced me to have an abortion that I didn't want to do.

He gave me an ultimatum. Either I choose the baby and the streets, or I choose him and our home. And you chose the baby and still ended up out of that home. No, I didn't. I had the abortion and it was incredibly traumatizing. It was the worst experience in my life I've ever been through. And I just really disconnected after that because I got no support from him whatsoever. And things just deteriorated after that.

So what do you do for a living now? I am a pet stylist. Sweet. Okay. So you're in a job where people are eccentric and they bring you their eccentric pets and tastes and loves and all that. So you just meet people on a regular basis and you interact with their pets on a regular basis, right? I do. I actually just quit my job about two weeks ago to start my own business. Okay. So I have a lot of people that I know,

just nobody that I'm really close to. Gotcha. So just in your retelling of this to me, do you hear just the rollercoaster of trauma that's woven its way through your life? Oh, absolutely. And what the gasoline, the coal

that keeps that roller coaster riding strong is shame and unworthiness. Yes. I'm a failure. I screwed up. And I'll always screw up. Yes. And I fail myself.

I fail people around me. I'm awkward. And you come up with these narratives like I'm awkward. I'm a little bit weird. But reality is you don't like you. Is that fair? That's 100% accurate. Okay. And so the longer you live in worlds of secrecy, the longer you live in worlds of I suck, I am not worth liking, then people aren't going to race to be in community with you, right? Okay. And I don't think you don't have friends because you're awkward. Because I'm real awkward and I have some really great friends. I'm really awkward.

And here's the thing. You are going to have to believe in yourself that you're worth having friends. And then you're going to have to do the hardest thing you're ever going to have to do in your life at this stage in your life moving forward. And that is to once again risk. And all friendships, all relationships are a risk. I'm going to put it out there, and will they show up? And if they do show up, am I going to screw it up? And you have a twofold risk.

Are they going to show up, and are you going to screw it up, right? Right. Most people have a hard enough time with the first part of that risk equation. Are they going to even come, right? And I want you to know you're not the dumbest thing you've ever done. You're not your parents' divorce. You're not your parents uprooting you.

You're not your red hair as a child. You're not the deepest shame you carry around. You're not. And you've got to believe I'm worth being friends with. I'm worth, I'm going to bring things of value to other people. And the things I'm going to bring are not utilitarian.

They're not my cooking or my laughter. They're you. You are the benefit to other people. Right? Okay. Yeah. And just, it's, it's hard. It's super hard. Have you dealt with these traumas? Um, no. Um, actually, um, from listening to, to your podcast, um, I've actually, cause I, I was in, um, after I moved down to Florida, I was in an abusive relationship with a narcissist and I started going to talk therapy and, you know, I got my life a little bit back on track and then got out of that relationship. And then my life totally

exploded and I ended up homeless. And the past four years, I've just kind of been trying to get back up on my feet. And now that I'm back up on my feet, I am back in counseling. Awesome. So when you project to the world, I have no value. I'm a loser. I'm the worst thing I ever did. I'm not accountable even to myself. There is a kind of person who's attracted to that, and that is somebody who will use you, abuse you. You will become an end to their means, right? I'm sorry. You'll become a means to their end.

And that's how those cycles continue. And then you find yourself in an abusive relationship and somebody hurts you. And instead of them owning the weight of their evil, the shame cycle continues, right? Because that's what shame does. It beats up its owner, right? Absolutely. So you're doing the right thing. Going to counseling tells you that you're worth spending the money, that you're worth the time. Getting a job that you feel good about, where you have good talents, where you show up every day,

where you do good work, where you help people with their pets or their lives or their friends or whatever, that's going to help you be a person of value. And then this is going to sound weird. And we have completely abandoned this in our culture. And so we is going to sound weird. And we have completely abandoned this in our culture. And so we literally have to learn it. You're going to have to learn some skills on friendship. You're going to have to practice being a friend. And that sounds ridiculous because that seems like the easiest thing in the world to know how to do, right? Yeah, it's not. Because when you're kids, you just all get together. We had some people over the other night, and I don't even know what they were doing. I just know my daughter comes running out of the house in a frozen dress with a bow and arrow,

and my son, I don't know what was happening. But they just created a game out of nothing, and there was all different age ranges. They were just in it, right? Right. When you're 37, you can't do that, right? If you show up to a local pub wearing a frozen dress and a bow and arrow, they're probably going to call somebody, right? And so you have to practice skills. What does that mean? Here's a good example.

I just made a weird howling wolfy noise in a parking lot and I had to stop and say Hey, I just made that super awkward. I'm i'm sorry and one of the guys knows me. Well, his name's brad He's awesome. He's like so lovely and he said hey man, just keep being you And that was them saying we know you're weird and we love you anyway, right? There are those people And you are going to make awkward jokes. You're going to be talking to someone and someone's going to say something that's going to

remind you of your childhood. It's going to remind you of the pregnancy that you lost. It's going to remind you of an abusive ex and your heart's going to take over. It's going to start racing. You're going to have, you're going to be anxious, anxious, anxious, and you're going to get up and walk out. And that's when you text them and you say, hey, I'm sorry I walked out on you. I totally had some bad memories. My bad. I will never do that again. Let's circle back up next week.

And that's what I mean by practicing. How do you sit in there? And with your counselor, I want you to tell your counselor, hey, counselor, I want to practice relationship skills. I want to practice being a good friend. And your counselor, if they're worth one quarter of what you're paying them, will be able to teach you some of those things. And then you're going to be able to project value to the world because you're going to have a skill set to be a good friend. And again, this is not utilitarian. This is not, oh, she's the one we call when we need it. Nope. This is just,

I'm Vanessa. I'm worth being friends with. And by the way, Vanessa, you've had a traumatic history. Let's make no doubt about it, right? You know that. I know that. All of our listeners know that. But I don't want you to feel like you're by yourself because I know people who are deathly lonely in a crowded space with a family and a couple of kids. I know people who are lonely who just lost a loved one and don't even know, they don't even know what day it is, right? Because they're grieving so hard. There are millions and millions of people who are lonely, lonely, lonely. And I want everyone to start risking friendship. Start going out there and saying, hey, I'm lonely.

I know you're lonely. Let's go get a drink. Let's go get some pizza that's going to give us gas and make us not sleep well. Let's go kick a soccer ball. Let's do a thing. Let's go for a walk, whatever. I have a good friend named Cassie. I learned so much about hospitality from her.

You know why? She just kept having potlucks at her house. Her and her husband, Gordon, they're incredible. Just kept inviting people over. And there were awkward conversations. There were people that were like, didn't get along at work, but suddenly showed up at her house. And you know what?

She just kept doing it. And she was so lovely. And we were always greeted with a hug. And we always had good conversations and played games and talked about literature and law and weird stuff. And I thought, oh my gosh, this is what friendship looks like. This is what showing up and showing up and showing up and showing up. She just kept going first. She just kept going first. She just kept going first. And my wife and I learned what hospitality, learned what friendship looked like from her. And be curious, not judgmental right say yes be safe right you got a trauma history be

safe but say yes be open for adventures but vanessa at the at the at the very bottom here you've got to know you're not the worst things that have happened to you you're worth being loved you're worth being well and you're worth being in a relationship with other people i'm proud of you because i know going to counseling is hard. I'm proud of you for wanting to strike out on your own, but I want you to get a job where you're making some real money, right? And you got to go to work every day. You need some structure right now. And I want you to be bold and direct with that counselor and say, I want to learn some skills on how to connect with people because what you need is relationships and what's hurt you has been relationships. So you've got some healing and some learning to do in there.

I'm so, so grateful that you called, Vanessa. I need you to know that you just helped a lot of people. You helped a lot of people who have been vulnerable and telling about your story. All right. So as we wrap up today's show, let's see here. You know what? We're going to go old school. I was going to go 1995.

Nope. We're going to go old school. I was going to go 1995. Nope. We're going to go to 1976. And there's some debate here. I know there's some debate. I'm just going to say, man, these are the pinnacle. Johnny, Joey, the Ramones in 1976 dropped their self-titled album. Hey, James, I was about to start reading this, but it sounds different when I'm reading it.

If I just read, hey-ho, let's go, I know it sounds bad, but that's not what I mean. So you've got to listen to the song. Context is everything. Context is everything. My dad used to tell me that as a kid. So I know it sounds bad if you've never heard this song, but that's not what it means.

It's just H O. It's just H O. Hey, let's go like that. And then it continues. They're forming in a straight line. They're going through a tight wind. The kids are losing their minds.

Blitzkrieg bop. They're piling in the backseat. They're generation steam heat. I don't even know what that means. Steam heat. That sounds gross. Pulsating to the backseat. Blitzkrieg bop. They're piling in the backseat. They're generation steam heat. I don't even know what that means, steam heat. That sounds gross. Pulsating to the backseat. Blitzkrieg bop. Oh, let's go.

What they want, I don't know. They're all revved up and ready to go. They're forming in a straight line. They're going through a tight win. The kids are losing their mind. Blitzkrieg bop. I don't even know what this song is about. I hope it's good.

But they're all revved up and ready to go. Thank you for joining us right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.