The Dr. John Delony Show - I’m in Love With Two Brothers

Episode Date: December 9, 2024

📱Early Access: Watch Episodes of The Dr. John Delony Show #1 Week Early—Download the App Today! On today’s episode, we hear about: •      A woman seeking advice on how to tell her friend that she’s dated her two brothers •      A wife trying to balance being a caregiver to her husband and taking care of herself •      A daughter struggling since finding out her mom watches porn 🇺🇸 Watch United States of Anxiety Exclusively on the Free Ramsey Network App! Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼The Dr. John Delony Show T-Shirts Connect With Our Sponsors:  🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp 🌿 Get up to 40% off at Cozy Earth with code DELONY 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne  🥤 Get 20% off at Organifi with code DELONY   🏔️ Head to Poncho Outdoors to check out all their styles! Listen to More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights  🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy

I am in a love triangle with my best friend's brother and my problem is I'm not really sure how to tell her or if I should tell her. So what are you getting out of this because you're getting something. Spend some time just sitting there because you're about to blow up your friendship and you're about to blow up your friendship and you're about to blow up a family. What up? What's going on? This is Jon with the Dr. Jon Delaney Show. I'm recording this on the morning of Tuesday, the election day.

So I'm assuming that we made it. I'm assuming that we made it. I'm assuming that we made it. What do you think, Kelly? You think the world ever hears this episode? Kelly Soule- Yeah, I think we'll make it. I don't know that we will know who the president is even when this airs in December. I still think it'll be litigious. Jared Soule- Good word. Jared Soule- That's the biggest word you've ever used. Look at you. Kelly Soule- I know. Jared Soule- Hang out with a couple of PhDs and you just, everything gets... litigious Word you've ever used look at you

Hang out with a couple of PhDs and you just your Everything gets no no no no you're not taking any credit for that I think we all know that my vocabulary is really elevated No, so we'll find out and I'm sure you some of you will reach out to me on the Instagrams and say you were wrong or you were right. I think we know by 10 o'clock tonight. I hope so just because I want it to be done. I want it to be over at this point. Okay, let me rephrase. I hope we're done by 10. I think we're done in February. I agree, but I hope we're done. Oh my God. Let's go to Baltimore, Maryland. Save us, Taylor. Save us. What's up, Taylor?

Hi John. What's up? Nothing much how are you? Okay I'm running a n equals 1 experiment. Whenever somebody answers a phone I just like listening to how people answer and when anyone says my name in a long extended way like you just did you're doing something that you know is dumb. Am I right or wrong? Oh gosh. Yeah, pretty much. Oh, sweet. Hey, John. What are you doing? What'd you do? So my problem and question to you is I am currently... I'm not laughing at you. This is so great. You're slow. All right, here we go You've been thinking about this moment. You're gonna say it out loud. Just say it. Yep

I haven't I haven't said it out loud until just now. So okay cool. I am in a love triangle with my best friend's brothers She has two brothers my best friend's brothers. She has two brothers and currently I am in some sort of love triangle with them. And my problem is I'm not really sure how to tell her or if I should tell her or what even to do or how to go about the situation. I've been trying to like build up the courage and like sometimes like whenever we hang out We've been hanging out a lot whenever we hang out I'll be like hey, I finally tell you and she's okay what and then I just Flop and I can't get out of like I just can't say it. I just cannot all right get it out

Help me with some definitions of terms. Are you sleeping with both of them? Okay, no, okay. We have just been, no, no, that was me. Sorry. We've just been like texting a lot and this past weekend was obviously Halloween. So you know, all of us being like in our early twenties, you know, I saw them out at the bars and you know, just like, I don't like, yeah. She have a crush on them.

Yeah, and they have expressed to me that they also have a crush on me, but they don't know, I don't, as far as I know, they do not know that both of them have a crush on me and I have a crush on both of them. So what are you getting out of this? Cause you're getting something. I don't really.

You do. Spend some time just sitting in it because you're about to blow up your friendship and you're about to blow up a family. Yeah, that's what I'm nervous about. So I'm not really sure exactly how she would feel about it. Me and her have been best friends for seven, going on eight years. So like we've been best friends for a really long time. So I'm not exactly sure on if she would be okay with it, even in the

first place. The fact that you have been best friends with her for seven years and you can't tell her tells me. Yeah. My brother-in-law was my friend before I knew his sister and he said, hey, it pains me to say this, but I think you're going to marry my sister and I want you to date her. And I was like, this is the weirdest conversation. And then he went on to say, I can't be your friend right now while you're dating my sister.

And I was like, that's weird. And he was right. But here's the thing. Like we were friends for 18 months or a year, right? And so you being best friends with someone for seven or eight years, you know. You know that it will blow that up. And fine, blow it up for love. Do what you want to do.

Here's the thing, you have a crush on two guys. And that's fine. Have as many crushes as you want to. You're in your early 20s. Crush away. It's the person you are revealing yourself to be. Yeah. As someone who keeps secrets from their best friends, someone who keeps secrets between brothers, someone who lies to one brother over another, someone who's becoming somebody

that she didn't know she was capable of becoming in a negative way. No love. No love is worth your integrity. Oh yeah, you really got me there. You really got me there. So if you're not sleeping together and you're not making out with these guys and you're just hanging out, like, hey, it's not, I wouldn't call it a love triangle. I would just stop using that language.

It's kind of just like, that's exasperated TikTok language. But like you have a crush on two guys who happen to be brothers. Do you like the idea of having secret crushes on two brothers, or do you actually think I could have a relationship with either of these guys? I do not like the idea really at all, but I really do think I could be in a pretty good relationship with really either one of them they're both very very good young men in my opinion I think so. Great.

Yeah. So what are you gonna do? That's that's kind of what I'm here to ask you do you think I should just kind of call it all off and like... I think you're over blowing it. What am I getting wrong? I feel like you're way over blowing it. I think it's the fact that she's my best friend and this has been going on since the beginning of August. But you keep saying, what's going on you're texting them

Yeah, are you sending topless pictures to them? No, are you are you secretly making out with them? Um, I I guess I have made out with one of them. Yes, okay, technically. Yes So I and again, I'm trying to just get to the, so he's talking to you specifically and he doesn't know that you're also talking to his brother? Yeah. Does he talk about you to his brother? I mean, I'm assuming not.

I feel like if he was, one of them would have said something by now. Have you heard the old thing about the word assume? Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't assume anything because assume makes an ass out of you and me. Yeah. Right? I wouldn't assume anything.

So yeah, I mean, I don't see a world where you're not lacking integrity. I mean, put it this way. If you had a crush on somebody since mean, put it this way, if you had a crush on somebody since August, you've been talking to them, you made out with them, in any other circumstance, would she know about this person? Yeah.

Yeah. So you're intentionally withholding, it's being dishonest. Yeah. Don't be that person, tell the truth. Okay, then I'll go tell him. I don't know, man. Yeah, it's just like really, it's really like, it's like, really

hard to comprehend like everything like it even for me, like I haven't told anyone about this because like like all obviously if we're best friends all of our friends are also No, that tells me you're it tells me you're ashamed of it. What are you ashamed of? I'm just ashamed of the fact like I've been hiding it. I'm like Not like I'm talking to two guys that you know, not only am I talking to two guys like, they're brothers, like, there's just like a lot like that goes on top of it. Yeah. But you're at the epicenter. I would just, I would look in the mirror and say, I'm going to stop being this person.

And that means I'm going to be a person who doesn't hold secrets from my best, best, best friends, even when I want to go to her and say, hey, I have a crush on your brother. Because I'm like, I'm thinking of my four or five best friends that are guys, that are grownups. I would love it if they had not, I mean, they weren't all in long term marriages. I would love it if they dated my sister. Yeah. It'd be weird and I'd make fun of them all the time. But I would love it if they dated my sister

because I know what kind of caliber person they are. Yeah. Right? And so I don't have a psychology for like, that's my brother, eugh. Like man, if it's your best friend, who else would I want other than somebody that I know and trust and whatever unless you know?

Yeah, i've got a bag of secrets that she knows and she's not gonna want me around her brothers Or I have a history of not telling her the truth. She doesn't want her brothers around a girl like me Yeah, and that's like kind of another thing like since we've been friends for so long. I've been around Them while they've had other girlfriends and like she's come to me talking about things that she just hates about them Like, you know, just digging into them as most siblings would you know, all her brothers are older So, you know, she just talks about you know, everything she hates about, you know Their current girls at the time their current girl. That's her job. She's the youngest sister, right? She's supposed to be judgy of their girlfriends. No one's ever going to be good enough for their big brother.

Except. Yeah. Maybe her best friend. Yeah, maybe. Maybe. But, regardless, I want you at the young age of 20 to begin practicing, I'm not going to keep secrets from my friends. I'm not going to split families up over not even over love over this feeling of I'm getting away with something and this feeling of

somewhat of control you got some little puppet master thing going on here where she doesn't know brother number one doesn't know brother number two doesn't know I'm kind of in control of this thing I hooked up with brother number one a little bit. Brother number two. Let's get out of that business man because here's the thing. It robs you of your dignity and it robs you of your sleep. And sleep and peace are in short supply these days and so I'm optimizing not for the best interest rate. I'm not optimizing for the best. How is this gonna feel Max? I am optimizing for peace. Period. but yeah I'd have that conversation and I do it do it today because it's eating you alive and then I'd have a

conversation with both of the brothers and say yeah I don't know this I've been talking to both of you and I'm sorry I was wrong I really want to date you or I really want to date you but I'm gonna have this conversation but make your call. I almost be willing to bet you're gonna lose all three of them for a time period and probably she'll come back and I think that's probably right. That's probably right. Or maybe one of the brothers says nope I pick I pick Taylor the girl who was also texting my other brother I pick her over my brother. And then if he does pick you over his brother, I would ask more questions because I don't

know if that's a guy you want to hit your wagon to long term either. But that's another phone call. Y'all can call me when y'all make that decision. Have the conversations today sister. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. Okay. Okay.

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Hey Ray, what's up? Hey, how are you? So good, how are you? I'm doing well, thank you. Awesome. I'm calling to ask this question. How do you get to the point where you you? I'm doing well. Thank you. Awesome.

I'm calling to ask this question. How can I be everything that my husband needs me to be right now while also taking care of myself in a very difficult season of life? Normally, I would have a more like response to this, but it sounds like there's something deeper. Yes. So what's going on? So I'm 28.

My husband is 27. We've been married for two and a half years. And so he's a med student last summer. He started to get really sick and was throwing up every day, but that was leading up to the step two test, which is a medical board exam that they had to take in med school. And so we didn't think much of it. It's pretty normal for him to get anxiety, like physical anxiety symptoms. But then after this, he finished this test and he got his grade back and his grades was good. The symptoms didn't stop.

And so we were like, okay, something is going on. And so I'm a teacher and the day before the first day of school, I was like, look, we've got to go to the emergency room because I'm not gonna be able to help you out while I'm teaching. I'm not gonna be able to answer my phone if you're feeling really sick, things like that.

So we went to the emergency room and he was thinking maybe something was wrong with his gallbladder because he's having like right upper quadrant pain, whatever. So they did an ultrasound and they saw some dark spots in his liver. They did a CT scan in the emergency room. They found about 10 lesions in his liver. We got transferred over to the oncology unit. And the next day, this was August 2nd of this year, so just a couple months ago, they found a tumor in his esophagus. So the whole day before they found the tumor, we were praying like lymphoma or maybe it's

just in the liver. But with finding the tumor in the esophagus, we found out it's stage four. That's right. We did the road there, yeahagus, you know, we found out at stage four. That's right. We did the road there, yeah. Yeah. And so we talked to the oncologist. He gave a prognosis of a year and a half to two years, and this is talking to a 27-year-old

man and his 28-year-old wife. And you know, prognosis is just averages. And you know, he said that he's hoping and praying that that's not going to be the case because most people with esophageal cancer are like 60, 70 year old men. So there's hope and things have been getting better. We started treatment. He's done five or six rounds of treatment now. We got a CT scan a couple weeks ago and showing minor, I don't know if you hear my dog, I'm sorry, minor shrinkage, like millimeters. So there's good news. But anyway, I say all that to say,

I have been completely pouring myself out to him. If I feel like I should in this season, I don't think that's a bad thing, but I also am neglecting myself. And I wanna be sure that I'm taking care of myself so that I can be the best I can be to take care of him. And so I just kind of wanted to get your thoughts on what I should be doing. Yeah, good gosh, dude.

Have you just been going and going and going and going? Or have you had your moments? I've had some moments. I'm overall a pretty positive, upbeat person. I think overall, I'm usually like that still. I've definitely had my moments. I'm trying to work. I'm working two to three days a week, which is really hard being a teacher, working two

to three days a week. They put my kids on online classes, so when I go into work, I'm just observing them doing or two to three days a week, which is really hard being a teacher working two to three days a week. They put my kids on online classes. So when I go into work, I'm just like observing them doing online since I can't like be a good teacher right now. I'm getting my masters and I haven't stopped getting my masters. So I'm like, I'm loaded. You need to stop.

You need to stop. Okay. Yeah. Why don't you take a break? Yeah. Take a break from school. And any of your graduate school professors for a season, almost all of my friends were college of education graduate school professors.

Okay. Yeah. And they'll give you a break. They'll let you take incompletes for the semester. Or actually, you know what? You're running up on the semester, so you might as well just finish. Yeah. And then I would take a leave for the spring.

Yeah. And then I would take a leave for the spring. Yeah. Because one of two things is going to happen. The doctor is going to be right and you have a precious 365 days left with your right or die. Yeah. Or he's going to be wrong and part of him being wrong will be that you had the strength and capacity and spirit to be anchored in when your husband was repelling off the edge, peering over to the other side.

Yeah. In all those cases, dude, get a freaking master's degree later. Yeah. Right. And I think your husband won the lottery getting you as his wife. Okay? Thank you. I also think there's this weird balance that happens where it's one of those things that every day is a new is a win.

And every day might be one day closer. Right? So every morning, every sunrise is the greatest gift ever. And oh crap, it'll only be a few of these left. And if he doesn't see you cry with him. and I don't mean just get choked up, I mean actually let this penetrate your, I mean you've created this pretty amazing shell for yourself. My shell is sarcasm and sadness and like my chemical romance. Yours is joy. So I would trade with you in a heartbeat. But what will happen as this thing progresses and makes

its move closer and closer to that magic finish line when this doctor that the doctor put on the table is he'll feel crazier and crazier. Not closer and closer. And so I want you to think in terms of we're going to celebrate together and we're going to weep together and I'm going to hold his arms up when he can't. There's going to be occasions that I'm going to give him the greatest gift a wife can give a husband and that is to curl up in his arms and sob and let him feel that his strength matters. Yeah.

It's both hand. Okay. Mm hmm. his strength matters. Yeah. It's both and okay. Denying him, denying him your sadness won't be a gift. And I know it feels like it is right. He doesn't like he doesn't need to think about this too. Right? Yeah. Trust me Ray. He's thinking about it. Right. And so I, I, I, I got so many things I would recommend to you. I'd recommend keeping a journal starting today if you haven't. I'd write every day. Every day.

I would make playlists. I would find a couple of like, we're going to plan a thing every day, whether it's five minutes or two minutes or seven minutes. This just like us playing a card game or us doing something silly or us doing something that's not medical bill related and pick line related and measurement related. You get what I'm saying? It's not in the business of not dying, which is that, you know, that's like this weird new job you all have.

Right? Yeah. Yeah. You'll have a, and I'm being real technical here and I'll get to the soft stuff here in a second. Do you have a will and all that stuff lined out? No, but he doesn't have anything because he's a med student. He's never even had a job. So everything we have is mine anyway, you know what I mean? Like legally. Until he has a sister that doesn't want to believe he's gone and sues you for everything.

And I've just done this long enough. I would at least get online and go to Mama Bear Wills. It's an online will. Okay. And just write it out. It's like $30. It's amazing. Okay.

When I moved from Texas to Tennessee, before I had met with like an estate planner and all that kind of stuff, that's what I did, just because they don't they don't go state to state, but it simply puts in writing an illegal document. All my stuff is hers. Okay, and nobody can sue you. I mean, I can sue you for it. Nobody can take it from you. Yeah, and it might be clothes.

It might be his guitar. It might be his pictures. You don't ever know what somebody's going to try to come get some weird cousin somewhere or somebody's mom Just flips a switch and so there's these little things like making sure your name's on all of the accounts Yeah, making sure that you do not consolidate his med school debt if he's got any Yeah, right. Don't do that. Yeah, don't do that I think I haven't seen checked in a few years, but I think medical debt is still dischargeable

If somebody passes away and then we're gonna fight like bloody hell and the only way you can do that is if you're a whole and well Yeah, so what is what does whole and well look like for Ray? I don't know community and and time for myself, I guess. But I mean, it's also him. And like, I think that the idea of writing a will like just makes me, it's like accepting defeat. You know, I had my friend, John King once told me, the only reason you should not have a will is

if you hate your wife and kids. Yeah. So in fact, it's not admitting defeat. It's building a foundation that we're going to build our house upon. Yeah. So it's actually the opposite. I get what you're feeling. I get what you're like, okay, we're going to start making last plans. No, no, no, no. The day everyone gets married, they should have a will. Yeah. Just because you never know. A ring or a brush or I mean you find yourself in the fight for the stupidest thing sometimes. Do you have a group of women that you get together and meet with on a regular basis? Not regularly. I do have my community. I think recently I've definitely put that on the back burner. Okay we're going to bring it back and we we're gonna do two things. We're gonna make it weekly

Mm-hmm, and we're gonna open a text thread. There's gonna be four to five women that you trust Okay, and I want you to tell them personally I'm putting you on my I can't handle this list Okay, and I want you to make two commitments to your friends. I want you to be honest with them and I want them to make a commitment they will always answer the text, okay? Yeah.

And by the way, it will give your friends such a gift because they don't know what to do right now. Yeah, I'm afraid to burden them with this. I try not to break it up too much. It will be such a blessing to them because they're spinning around you wondering how they can love you and they don't know how Because you're positive Ray and Ray's always like we're working on it and things are going good And yeah, and they want to love Ray and they don't know how and this is you saying okay. I Can't carry all this

Yeah, and so I'm gonna text you at 10 a.m. I'm gonna text you at 2 a.m. And here's my commitments. Number one, I'm never gonna lie to you. I'm gonna be honest all the time. And number two, if I need something, I will ask. That way you can lob a grenade the middle of the night. It's 2 a.m. and you wake up and you're looking at your husband sleeping

and he's snoring a little bit and you start crying so hard, wondering where's's God that you can text your friends that at 2 a.m. and they don't try to solve anything they need to solve it. Yeah. But you can say where's God I don't know what to do right now hey can somebody meet me for coffee in the morning and they will say yes. Yeah. Okay.

And will you commit to taking morning walks? Yeah. Yeah, I can do that. Okay. You should get outside and move around. Do you have a dog? Yeah, I've got two. Gosh, you thank God. Okay. You are going to be the dog walkiest person of all time. Okay. I can do that. Okay. We all keep a journal together too, by the way Yeah, what would that look like that's you overpaying for something I want you to get something legacy But you'll hold on to for the rest of your life Yeah, like a fancy leather bound something rather. I don't want you to put it on each other's pillows Yeah, and when it's on his pillow, he knows that you've written in it and when it's on your pillow

You know, he's written in it and the commitment is we won't let 24 hours go before we write in it No, yeah, we can do that and it can be things I'm scared about Things I love about you things I noticed yesterday things I'm terrified about Things I am really excited not the mystic about it'd be all of it Okay, things will get harder and weirder to say I am really excited, not the mystic about, it'll be all of it. Okay. Things will get harder and weirder to say. Yeah. Okay.

I'm debating on whether to tell you this now. I'm going to use your example, if that's okay, to talk to everybody. Is that fair? Yeah. Okay. I'm going to lead with number one. I'm going to be the most optimistic guy in your corner that this thing gets itself worked out. Yeah. That your husband's young and healthy and the doctors are doing some wild things with cancer these days and that

they are able to turn a pretty amazing corner. Okay? Now I want to say here's the other side of this thing. Okay? Often when you're sitting in a doctor's office and they say you have, I'm making up a thing, but you have one year, you have 18 months. You look at the person next to you and you think you have 18 more months of that person. And what people don't often calculate or take into consideration because it's their first time is they begin to lose parts of the person that they love. Yeah. Okay. And so if there was a heartbreaking 18 months left, the last two

months are really tough. And the last six months are scary. Okay. Here's why I'm telling you that. Don't waste any moments now. Yeah. Cool. Cool. I try not to think about that, but I know it needs to be thought about. I know. I know. And that's the... If your finish line with him is sooner than anyone would ever wish on anybody, I want

you to cross that finish line with your head up knowing there was not a single thing unsaid, there was not a single action untaken. There was not a single ounce of love not spoken into the universe. And those things unsaid, we're just going to say them and maybe that's what that journal is. It's the unsaid journal. Do you have any life insurance? I mean, the scary stuff, right? Yeah, no. Listen, not planning on a worst case scenario is not going to help avoid the worst case scenario and it's not admitting defeat.

It's just being smart. Yeah. And what you're having to face is what every single person who says, I do will ultimately face one day. And I've had this same conversation with 75 year olds. Do you have a will? No. Good God. Make a will. Right? So you're not crazy. Yeah. Okay. I know that we often change names and locations on this If if people are the praying type do you mind saying his name this is first name Yeah, yeah his name's hunter hunter. Okay. Yeah people are the praying type and listening to the show I hope you'll pray for hunter and if you're not the praying type

I hope you will put out good vibes for hunter or whatever it is you do dance in the woods I don't know what you'll do but put out something good and Will you keep us Ray we keep us? Let us know how things are going. I would love to yes. Thank you so much tell Hunter. He can call anytime, too Okay Absolutely, I would love to that cool. Yeah Blessing sister man. We are absolutely rooting for you and we are rooting for Hunter.

Yeah, I believe it. We wish you guys the absolute best. We'll be right back. Christmas time is here. There's parties, buying things, being sad that no one bought you anything, travel, all of it, all of it, all of it. There's so much going on that we can forget to set aside time for what's truly important. And the good news is that Hallow is here to help you keep your spiritual priorities, the

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and a Bible study on the book of Ephesians, Christmas music, kids' Advent programming. And if that's not enough, you can now join Hallow's 12 days of Christmas music right now. Listen, this season can be an amazing time to encounter God's love and find the true joy of Christmas. And Hallow wants to help you experience that.

So they're offering three months free right now when you sign up at Hallow.com slash Deloney. You can enjoy this fantastic prayer challenge completely free right now at Hallow.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Des Moines and talk to Hannah. What's up Hannah from Des Moines? How are we doing? Hey John, I'm doing really good. I'm super excited to talk to you this morning.

What's going on? Yeah, so I just have a question. My question is, how do I move past the distress of knowing that my mom watches pornography? What? What? Yeah. What? How old are you?

Yeah. I'm 21. How old's your mom? She is 47, 48. Yeah. Okay, so she's young. Yeah. All right.

No, I'm so sorry. She's like, I'm thinking of someone else. Sorry. She is in her 50s. She is in her like mid 50s. Sorry about that. Okay. Yeah.

So I can't believe like- How did you, yeah, how did you find out? She just like chilling at the dinner table being like, yo, you got to check out Pornhub. It's so great. How'd you find out? She just chilling at the dinner table being like, yo, you got to check out Pornhub. It's so great. How did you find out? So a few years ago when I was in high school, my brother was being curious and was on her phone and kids are snoopy. So he was on her phone looking at her tabs and he saw Pornhub on there.

Oh, no kidding. Yeah, yeah. And he was like, oh my gosh. And he looked at me and he goes, Mom is watching pornography. And I was like, oh my gosh, okay. And so my sister... Hey, by the way, hold on. If you watch this, I'm laughing right now. I'm not laughing that adult women watch pornography. I'm just laughing at two kids sitting around

finding mom's phone and just being like dude mom watches porn. Like that just seems like out of a, you know what I mean? That's like, I don't hear that very often. Even like fighting dad, it's like, dad looks at porn like, ooh. Most people don't have a psychology for it. Oh dude, mom. Oh, mom doesn't even clear her history on her own phone. Like, oh no, right? Right, yeah, it was pretty weird.

And so like, I would ask my sister over the course of a few months, cause it, it bothered me so bad. I could not stop thinking about it. I, whenever I was around her, that's all I could think about. And I would ask over the course of a couple of years, I told nobody because it just felt really taboo and very, um, embarrassing on her part too, and on my family's side.

So like I would ask her sister, I'd be like, Hey, like, does this like. Bother you in any way? And she was like, I try not to think about it. And I'm like, it bothers me really bad. And, um, so my June, no, going into my summer of my junior year of college, I told my dad, I was like, I have to tell my dad. I can't like, are they still married? Yeah. Yep. They're still married. Okay. Um, so I had to tell my dad and I was like, dad, I, I just, I sat down with him. It was just me and him in the living room. I said, mom is watching pornography and we found it like

a year or two ago on her phone. And he was like, Oh, and he got very defensive and he said, Oh, well, um, you know, you have your own problems. Have you ever watched it? And in high school, I struggled with it, like pretty bad. I don't anymore. It's been years. So I was like, well, yeah, in high school I did. And he goes, well, you have nothing, like, don't worry about it. Like you have your own problems too.

And it was weird because that was from my past. And it... Yeah, that was a lame move. That was a lame move. So by the way, so I'm laughing here. I'm not anymore, but I was laughing earlier. There's another layer to this, which is this is something you personally struggled with also as a kid.

And when you're a kid struggling pornography, you had that extra layer of feeling dirty and shameful, right? Right. Like, can you just bathe in secrets, and especially if you're a young woman, I hear this a lot, like if you're a young woman, it's supposed to be something that boys wrestle with. Oh yeah. And then there's an extra layer of, oh, something's wrong with me, right? And so you've wrestled with this and then to find on your mom's phone as a trip and then have your dad throw your childhood back in your face is gross dude, I'm sorry.

Yeah, yeah. Um, that's my dad is a whole nother. I imagine so. I imagine so. So, so bring me to right now. So you went to a safe person, the safe person blew it back at you. Yeah. Um, well, can I talk about one more thing before we go under that? Cause it's actually

really important. So I did actually talk to my mom about it. Um, we did have a conversation. I told her, I said, mom, I know that you were watching pornography. Um, and at the time I had done research on pornography and the effects of it and how bad it is. And she was like, oh, I'm very sorry. There's always that one thing that you go back to. And then after that we just hadn't really talked about it. And like right now, I feel like I just. How long ago is that? Um, that was probably maybe a little over a year almost two years now. Do you still live at home? No, I am married. I I live with my husband. So

Let's move mom to the side for a second. Why is this still like, why is this rooted itself in your soul so bad? Um, I think it's because sometimes when me and my husband are intimate, like my body is reacting to him. And then I'll get this intrusive thought of my mom and like disturbing images. And at the same time, my body is reacting to my husband. I'm also, it's just, I hate it. And I, sometimes when I'm like just in my daily life, that's all I think about sometimes. And it can go on for hours and it makes me feel very disturbed.

Yeah. Do you ruminate over other things too? I actually do have OCD. I was going to say, yeah. So here's what that tells me. So you've painted a pretty good picture of the house you grew up in. The fact that a dad would ever, know what I'm having to talk about him Your body's been on alert since you were a little girl

There fair. Oh my gosh. Yeah, okay. That is very fair. So Especially when OCD manifests itself outside of physical behaviors and it's into looping thoughts It manifests itself outside of physical behaviors and it's into looping thoughts. You can, you feel like you're losing control of your mind. Like it makes you feel insane, right? Oh yeah. Like I'm having great sex with my new husband and I just pictured my mother, right? You feel nuts, right? Yeah, definitely.

Okay, listen to me. You're not crazy. Yeah. Okay. I want you to let that like, I'll say it even more direct. There is nothing wrong with you. Okay? Okay.

You're not somehow like some sort of twisted, there's nothing. Your body's trying to keep you safe. Do you have any sort of abuse? Did you experience abuse growing up at all? So the funny thing about this is I didn't know that I was abused until I started talking to my husband about it because he grew up in a very healthy household. I mean every household has their issues. We've talked about stuff in his family that we don't agree with. But yeah, there was my dad, everyone everyone throws around the term narcissist like it's candy nowadays. But

my dad is actually the textbook definition of a narcissist. It's like... Tell me about your... Tell me about what happened. Yeah. So growing up, he would... He was very short tempered. He has his own...

The reason why he's like this is because... Hey, Hannah. Tell me what happened. Yeah. Hold on. Take a deep breath. Deep, deep a deep breath. Deep, deep, deep breath.

Okay. Your chest is tightening up. I can feel it through the phone. Yeah, you're right. Exhale. Okay. If you don't want to talk about it, that's okay. You don't have to.

Yeah, I think I'm okay to talk about it. Okay. Let me say this. If you tell me something that I have to report, I'm going to report it. Okay. Okay. Okay. And my team here will call the police if it needs to be called on your dad.

Yeah. Okay. You hear what I'm saying? Yes, I do. Okay. Yeah. I think, um, there was a lot of it was just verbal, you know, like, Oh, you're, you're terrible, awful children. And then when you hear that, you know, it kind of,

I've done a lot of healing through it. I guess I don't necessarily feel comfortable going into like a lot of detail, but I didn't recognize. Here's what I want you to, I want you to, I want you to put your hand, I want you to take an open hand. I want you to put it right on the top of your chest, right below your neck, okay? And press there pretty hard.

And then I want you to relax your arm. reason, vulnerability, being naked, being seen, your body has put a GPS pin in that that that is not safe. That letting you, your husband, and you like letting you be fully seen and experienced is not safe. Yeah. And it will try to shut your body down It will try to shut everything down and if it can't shut your body down, it will shut your mind down It will spin it up like a like a like a Like a fishing reel that someone takes their thumb off of and just turns into a big bird's nest, right?

Yeah It's just your body trying to keep you safe because it's been to hell it lived there for a long time Right? Yeah. It's just your body trying to keep you safe because it's been to hell. It lived there for a long time. Yeah. And the guardian of your hellscape was named Dad. Yeah. And by the way, damn it, mom was supposed to protect you and she did. Right. OK. Right.

Exhale in that. OK, so intrusive thoughts like lightning bolts. My goodness, they're the worst. Yeah. Yeah, it is. Um, with OCD, I actually, in that area of my life. I didn't know what OCD was. YouTube helped me figure it out because I had, they call it Pure O and it's terrible. It's all in your head. It's all obsessive. It's more... Have you been to see a doctor? Um, I was visiting with a therapist during my college years, but she wasn't really qualified to talk about OCD. That makes sense. She didn't really help me much.

Okay. So I want you to listen to me super careful. Here's why I know so much about it. It's exactly what I have. Diagnostically and everything. Okay. I have little ticks like counting locks and checking my doors at night a bunch of times and stuff like that that are just whatever. But the main thing that haunted me for years was the looping

thoughts that I couldn't get to stop. And they would show up at insane times Right. Okay. You aren't crazy, but You got to go sit with a medical professional And here's what they will probably do for you If you've listened to this show for any time, you know, I want to solve these problems Initially, I want to solve them With exercise and with diet and with relationships. That's my bent on everything. And for me, I let them run for so long that my alarm systems were just bonkers. And I got a low-level SSRI that turned the alarms way down.

The looping thoughts still happened, but they were way, way quieter. And what they allowed me to do was to sit with a counselor, sit with a couple of close mentors that I trusted and begin to challenge the thoughts. And I got stronger and stronger and stronger. And right now, for years Hannah, I can tell you, I'm good. I cannot describe to you the peace on the other side of what you experience. Right. Yeah. Do you believe me? Oh yeah definitely and the

reason for that is because I still go through bouts of OCD year and there. It doesn't always go away, but in high school actually my senior year was the worst. It was, I went completely numb. My body just shut down because of how distressing the thoughts were. Yes, but listen to me. And I didn't know what it was. Listen, they'll circle back. Yeah. The thoughts were yes, but listen to me know what it was listen. They'll circle back Yeah, okay. I Want you to consider for the first time?

Choosing healing and over choosing survival because it sounds like you're married to a safe guy good guy. Oh, yeah He's very very safe. Okay So you're you've unanchored from the nonsense at home Mm-hmm. Let your mom watch what your mom's gonna watch. She's 55 years old So you've unanchored from the nonsense at home. Let your mom watch what your mom's going to watch. She's 55 years old. She can make whatever choices she wants to, however destructive they are. You don't have to participate in that.

Or let me say it in other words, you can't impact her behavior one iota. Every second you spend thinking about it, ruminating on it, challenging it, wondering what you can do is a choice to be miserable in the present. And people who have OCD, who have anxiety disorders get mad at me when I say that because it makes it sound like they're making a choice and in a weird way, we all are. And the choice I want to present to you is choose about a year and a half of hard work. Yeah. Yeah, I think-

You have to teach your body that you weren't okay and now you are safe. Right. And I think too, I guess, because I have been thinking about therapy for a long time. Um, I would really want to dive in with a therapist too about my family life. I have never talked to a therapist really in depth about how I grew up and stuff like that.

Will you make the call today? Yeah, I, I think I will. I'm not going to force you, but listen, I hear it on you and I hear myself in your voice. And I cannot tell you how light and free it is on the other side. Right. And it sounds insane to you because all your body can think is, how do I stay safe? Right. And I want to tell you, man, going from playing defense your whole life to suddenly playing offense is such a major gift.

It's amazing. And you'll find it financially, you'll find it relationally, you'll find it in your marriage, you'll find it when you start having kids, you'll find it financially you'll find it relationally you'll find it in your marriage You'll find it when you start having kids you'll find it everywhere Mm-hmm, and by the way when you have your first kid, you're gonna have different alarms ringing Yeah, I can imagine the first time you find something weird on your husband's phone Your alarms are gonna take off on you. You know I'm saying It's so what a therapist is gonna give you what? What a physician is gonna give you by the way the way, I was medicated for a season so that I could go to the work.

I haven't taken anxiety meds in years and years and years and years and years. And even if I had to, that's not a bad thing. But they did turn the alarms down so that I could go do the necessary work. And Hannah, it sucked. Yeah. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm, yeah. Yeah, I've never been on medication before.

When I was young, I went to the hospital for having an anxiety attack and then they just gave me like these pills and then I never, my mom wouldn't let me take them. So, Good. So listen, I want you to look in the mirror and say to yourself out loud, Hannah's worth being well. Yeah. Okay.

And well for you is going to feel like you're free, finally. And you're going to have to find some distance between your mom and your dad. And that sounds scary right now, even though your body knows they're not safe. It's just going to take a process. I just want you to trust, trust, trust the process. So make a call today. You're worth that. Your husband's worth that, quite frankly. Your future kids are worth that.

You're just overall joy and peace. You haven't had peace in your whole life. So you don't even know what it feels like. There's just something magic about drinking coffee because you want to not because you have to. There's something magic about just falling asleep in your own bed just because you're tired. There's something amazing about just falling asleep in your own bed just because you're tired

There's something amazing about checking the locks the third and fourth time and just being like I'm going to bed I Just it's hard to even wrap your head around They're not having an intrusive thought for years and years and years and years and years and years Healing is possible hang on the line I'm gonna send you a copy of building a non-anxious life. For you, I'm gonna send you two of them, one for you and one for your husband. I want you all to read them together, okay? I want you to both read them,

and I want you to use it as a roadmap for your family, this new family you're building. Because you don't have a map right now. All you have is what you've experienced growing up. You're still really young. I want you all to use this as a map. The choices that you can make to begin to build a non-anxious

and non-spun up a peaceful life. Okay? Hang on the line, sister, we got you. Call anytime. But here's my call to you and everyone else struggling right now. Make the call. Make the call. Call a professional.

Thank you, Hannah. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Alright, it's that time of year when it's getting colder, it's getting dark earlier, and sometimes we just want to stay inside and get cozy. For me, my perfect night at home when it's when it's cold outside is something my family calls the bed pile. My whole family gets under some blankets, we get around a fire, and we either read some books out loud or we just watch a movie together.

I love it. Whatever your perfect night looks like, therapy can feel a little bit like that. The time when you can settle in, replenish your energy and take care of yourself. Therapy is a great way to bring yourself some comfort during the chaos and rush of the holiday season or any other time of year. Taking the time to pause and be mindful is one big reason why I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy with licensed therapists. You can talk with your therapist just about anywhere

so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Find comfort this December with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp.com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. So for people who like so many people consume this show like in clips, right? They watch just a clip of a call and it gets spun up in the algorithms. But for people who were this the whole show, a couple of things I want to clear it for

today's show. One, Kelly, you're super sleuthing. Like rarely do I leave here being like, well, Kelly pulled her way today. But you found that you found a connection with Mama Bear Wills and you hooked up that collar, the second collar, with a free will. Yes, we are giving Ray a free will. Amazing.

Yes. Such a huge thing that she needs to do, because it'll still, even if he doesn't have anything, it'll still go through probate, it'll still be, there's a lot of things. So yeah, we're gonna hook her up there. And often, again, I want to remind people when it comes to making a will, number

one, everyone should have them, even if you think you have nothing, have one. The second thing is it's often not the spouse. It's often not the kids. It's somebody else's cousin. It's somebody's mom's brother's sister that somebody passes away and it triggers something and it just becomes a nightmare and if you have a will you're not having to go to court to keep your husband's painting of you right or to keep your wife's ukulele that you bought her like it's just a strange thing that people will fight

over when people have passed away they just it changes people so just have a will and here's the second thing I think it's important to call out like that last call like my mom's looking at pornography I was a funny like good gosh, dude. You imagine looking at your phone and be like, oh my gosh and I fell into it. So I just want to call this out. I fell right into it, which is I start laughing making jokes well turns out I'm struggling mom's pornography because of my own abuse and My own challenges and so that's just a reminder to myself to always be gracious and humble people Especially when you like see them on the show or you see them out in public You're doing what like man? There's also often a story underneath the story underneath the story. So man

That last caller she was very, very, very brave. And I'm proud of her and hope she gets the help and care that she needs. And good reminder to me, don't make my default setting laughing. I don't know. Sometimes it's good. I'm going to remember that.

That doesn't count with you. Dang it. Ben, yes. Taylor, yes. Nate Dogg, eh, maybe. Kelly, no chance. And it. Ben, yes. Taylor, yes. Nate Dogg, eh, maybe. Kelly, no chance. And by the way, somebody reached out on Instagram and was like, oh my gosh, I heard Kelly's

leaving. If I find out via Instagram that you quit the show. We wish. Where would I go? I know. Where'd you go? You're at the helm of a C-level podcaster. I know.

Well, how, I mean, there is no up from here. This is it. There's a lot of up, America. Love you guys. Bye.