The Dr. John Delony Show - I’m Jealous of My Husband’s 9 to 5

Episode Date: September 5, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: - A mom that’s envious of her husband’s free time at work - A man struggling with anxiety over AI - A father who’s worried about his 20-year-old son proposing to an 18-year-old Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Need to talk to someone? BetterHelp is virtual therapy when it’s convenient for you. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. These are the BEST sheets and towels in the world. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Getting lots of spam calls? DeleteMe can clean up your online presence for you. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Find peace every day. Hallow is the simplest way to slow down and get your head right for the day. Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial.  I have Helix Midnight mattresses in EVERY bedroom in my house. Get 20% off when you visit Helix Sleep and take the sleep quiz to see what you need!  I took Thorne supplements way before I worked at Ramsey. I’m stoked that we can work together now! Get 25% off for LIFE at Thorne.    Head over to Poncho Outdoors to try the best outdoor performance shirt for yourself!   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

How can I support my husband without being envious of his new job? Ooh, tell me about this. My husband is in between jobs, and I am a stay-at-home mom to three under three children. Oh, God Almighty. You're not envious of his job. You're envious that he's not there. What up? What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show, taking your calls from all over planet Earth talking to men and women about their marriages, their mental and emotional health, their feelings, their emotions. All of it. All of us are just trying to navigate this wild world we've been dropped into and that we've helped co-create, if we're honest. We're trying to figure out what's the next right move. And that's my promise. I'll sit with you. I've been doing that for more than two decades now, sitting with hurting people trying to figure out, okay, now what do we do? next. And if you want me to sit with you and we'll figure out what we're going to do

next, I'd love to have you on the show. Go to John Deloney.com slash ask A-S-K. And Kelly, I don't know if I'm allowed to say this. You can just edit this part out if you don't want it out there because you usually take final cut and then don't tell me and then just post the show anyway. Correct. I've been mentioning

the last few shows like, my goodness, you just look joyful. Like you're showering again. But then you said, like, you hit some major, like, health milestones. That's awesome. well thank you yeah i didn't make a deal of it but i'm yeah i'm down about 12 now pounds oh i thought yeah i was gonna say yeah just stop okay uh yeah okay so what is it what's been the key to success so far um hormones getting them is any woman who's listening who's in perimenopause will

understand they suck yeah it sucks it just sucks the worst it does um but getting all of that figured out, made the work I was already doing, the getting up at 5 a.m. and working out and, you know, eating right that I've been doing for two years and nothing was happening. But finally, getting that in order made that stuff actually start doing something. And, man, we are in a new world when it comes to HRT, homeowner replacement therapy. Oh, my gosh. Especially with women. And for, I heard Dr. TSA, the single greatest medical injustice of the last 100 years was that

completely debunked study that said, women who get estrogen replacement will get breast cancer. And as a breast cancer survivor, I mean, I had a fear that I would not find a doctor that would allow me to do it. Oh, I see you with syringes in both arms. You're like, you got like an IV drink. I got my little patch right here on my hip. We'll have a little patch.

But I was lucky enough, I have a, and my oncologist was like, nope. And she and I went through the whole study, and she showed me where it was just trash. It was complete nonsense. It was a lie, and it cost a lot of women. I watched my mother go through it. Mine too. And how horrible, and I mean, walking on eggshells for years, you know, the whole family and I'm, and how horrible it was for her. So I watched all that and I thought, I'm not going to be able to do any different because I've had estrogen receptive breast cancer.

And I had an oncologist, so forward thinking. Beyond like 12 pounds, like, like, cheering you on. That's awesome. But like, your personhood has changed, too. Oh, well, thank you. I feel better. I mean. And maybe that, maybe it's like, like, you become infinitely.

less mean to me. That's all I'm saying. I'm sorry about that. That should not have been... That's not because of that. No, that's not that. That's your therapy. But when you have spent

a couple of years literally beating your head against the walking, not literally. And pain, I'm comfortable, etc. But, you know, you're doing all the right things. You're doing the things you're supposed to, and you listen to it to you and Heberman and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and you do the things you're supposed to be doing, and, you know, I'm lifting, and all of these things and nothing changes, and...

And then, let's be honest, an idiot like me, waltzes in, and like, dude, I dropped five pounds this week. And you're like, oh, I didn't drink a Diet Coke today, and I lost 10 pounds, you know, and you're just like, I'm going to kill you. And I get frustrated. And my accountability partner here at work is a guy. And he'd be like, all right, let's make a pact of how much weight we're going to lose.

And I'm like, I will hurt you because I just know that that's not going to work for me. And so you get really, really frustrated. And it starts to come out in other ways. You just finally start, you're like, well, then why bother eating the salmon and the vegetables? I'll just eat this crap. Yeah, I saw you snorting like like pixie sticks off the desk. Pretty much.

You might as well because it's like if nothing's going to change, why does it matter? Right, right, right. And then there comes to point like, no, it's for my mental health too and my well-being, blah, blah, blah. But then when you finally, when those things finally start showing like,

oh, wait a minute, now I'm starting to see those results. It's a game changer. Dude, that's awesome. I'm proud of you. Well, thank you. I appreciate it. All right, let's go out to Minneapolis, Minnesota and talk to Gwendolyn.

Hey, Gwendolyn, what's up, lady? Hi, Dr. John. Thanks for having me on the show. Of course. Thanks for coming on. What's going on? So my question is, is how can I support my husband without being envious of his new job? Ooh, tell me about this.

Give me a picture of your life circumstances right now. Okay. So my husband is in between jobs. He's currently studying for a new job. But right now, he is like a secretary at a small business. and I am a stay-at-home mom to three under-three children. Oh, God Almighty. So you're not envious of his job.

You're envious that he's not there. Yes, I would say that. Okay. Yeah. You don't want to be a secretary in an office as much as you don't want to be at home just living this bananas moment, right? Yes. You know what?

I just minimize that. It's not a moment. It's a season. It's not like it's a rough afternoon. rough every second. Good. Yeah. You have three, three and under? Yes. Oh, man. It's, it's really tough most days. Yes. How is husband doing? Um, he's doing the best he can. We, he's studying right now to get a better job. What does that mean? So he's going to become a financial planner. Okay. And like, sell insurance and stuff with a company, and he's going to make a lot more money.

His hours will increase, but we've kind of, we're used to that. So right now, he's just kind of floating, like he doesn't really know what he's doing because he's just, he's doing random odd jobs just to get us by, just because we don't have a lot of money to, you know, support ourselves. So he is stressed out. for other reasons, but I'm also stressed out because I'm trying to take care of the house and all the kids.

What are the reasons he's stressed out? He just doesn't think that he's doing enough to support us. And because, like you say, that a man, like his whole thing is money. And so since he's not making enough money, he thinks he's failing. Ah.

And I can see that in him, and it definitely kind of affects us sometimes at home, just like his attitude. And yeah, and he, it's hard because he'll have to work a lot sometimes, and I'm kind of left alone with the kids all day or, and I just, I'm just getting to the point where I can't do it alone anymore right now. Yeah. And so I just want him to help me and support me, but I'm also like, I feel really guilty because I don't know. I feel like I should be doing a better job at helping my own children and, you know, I should be able to do this all alone. But I know that's not, that's not what it should be like. I know that's not true. You have two competing realities.

I remember saying the words to my therapist. This is within the last six months. I just want what I know to be true in my head. I want to be able to feel that in my chest. And you know, what I'm here you saying is, I know this is a season. I know that I should, I, I know that I can't do this all by myself. And I know that I want my, I want to be able to tell my husband,

I love you. You're good just the way you are. And you don't feel like the thought of going out to make friends, the thought of going out to get support and help, the thought of doing anything other than just surviving because your whole day is diaper, vomit, spit up, falling down, ouchy, vomit, wash bottles, make bottles, feed, repeat. Yeah.

And then you have a guy who knows, Who wants to believe he's got value and that he's a good provider and a good husband and a good dad to these three little kids. And also, you'll have a math problem, right? Mm-hmm. And so everybody feels like they're failing. Mm-hmm. And the whole house just feels heavy, huh? Yeah, it does.

So is the word envious of him the right word? I would probably not. I was thinking of it more like I want him to also know what I'm feeling. In a sense, that's why I'm kind of envious. Like I want him to also suffer with me in life. But it's more like, it's more like I want to, I want to be with him in his like free time. Like, I want to have more free time with him, and I don't get that. I feel like I'm missing out.

Okay. What I'm hearing is a very lonely person. Yeah. Surrounded by people. Yes. Yes. And even when he is with you, you know he's not with you, because every moment he sits down, he is then overcome with guilt and shame, and I should be, and I need to be.

And every time you do something that needs to be done, you go. got to change that diaper you got to feed that infant you got to make sure that other kid doesn't turn the burners on because they're just running around the house like a maniac like you also yeah just a per yeah it just feels like you're out on an island yeah i really does right now well you got two paths forward you have the path that you're on and i hear you a resolve and intentionality and you will just keep doing it you'll keep plowing ahead why because i don't you don't have another option you got three little kids three babies really and you can keep taking that route if i could snap my fingers if i could do anything on your behalf i would

suggest taking the other path and here's the other path even though you don't have it scrounge together some nickels and pennies call a friend beg somebody at your church call your one of your parents or your in-laws have somebody come watch those kids okay and what here's what we're trying to do we're trying to find one inch of margin so that for just a minute one hour three hours in a fantasy world i would i would want you to take half a day could you pump one day and I know that I know that it's like won't you just pump it that adds a whole other that's a job on top of a job in the middle of the day right yeah could you wiggle and scratch and call both of you for one half day of margin that will come at an economic cost those are hours he's not working and you're going to have to do a ton of prep work on the front end that he can't do because you're going to have to put like milk in a bottle or formula in a bottle, right? Could y'all get away and say, okay, the marriage we had is over. We have a brand new marriage, and that means we have a brand new life. Yeah. I want you to make more money, honey.

You want to get a job and make more money, but right this very second, is this the moment to be studying for a big exam? And you know this as well as I do. Some people listening may not know when you get that personal financial planning licensure that certification you start over you got to go build a book of business so it's not like he'll be studying he'll take that exam if he passes it which is a tough exam he then goes to work full time and makes less money that he's probably making right now just doing odd jobs until he gets enough commission sales off of different people and now he might go to work for a practice that would just give him clients,

but that's usually not how that works. And so is this the moment in history in your family when that's the best move? Or is there a totally different world when the oldest one is five, the middle one is three, and the youngest one is two, and at least I'm not,

at least I'm able to sleep a couple hours. Yeah. Right? And if so, what would it look like to have two full-time jobs, but I'm going to start at 6 a.m. He is. He's going to get home at 6 p.m. And then when he is home, he will commit for 24 months, 36 months, to drop his shoulders and be all in with you and with those kids. Because here's what happens. You all have created a world that has very much. very real, real time, three young infants, real time responsibilities. And at the same time, you've also self-imposed, I have to do this other thing right now. And I want y'all to determine for yourselves, we don't have to do that right this second. Yeah. Here's what that looks like in my house, okay? When I graduated with my PhD in higher ed in education, I was trying, I was heading towards,

I wanted to be a president of a college or an executive at a college. I then saw that my students were changing, my personal life was changing, and I knew higher ed was going to change dramatically. And so I wanted to get another PhD in psychology or in counseling, okay? I also had a son, a young son, three miscarriages in a row, and then an infant. And that was not the moment to start a new PhD program. And work full time. so during the work day I worked out with my boss that I could take one or two classes

in a master's program so that most of the nights I could come home and be present and that only lasted for one and a half maybe two years I don't remember but it's years ago now but it lasted for a short season and as my daughter got a little bit older

and a little bit more self-sufficient and a little bit then I had a little bit more time and I started doing more class and then I could take a Saturday here and then a Sunday there and then all of a sudden things begin to open up

time-wise and margin-wise. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I know what you're saying. So you'll have a very real boundaries and also you have some self-imposed ones. Yeah. I don't know how to say this nicely, but he is going to have to

do two hard things at once, which is work really, really hard for the family and be really intentional about not bringing his self-worth and dumping it at your feet and saying, hey, you got to carry my self-worth too because then you get up with a fourth child. Yeah. And when I talk about fourth child,

I got to make yet another meal. I got to do yet worry about yet another person's emotions and their whiny or their heartbrokenness or their, it was a bad day today. I got, you can't carry all of that. And here's the work you have to do. You have to say, I'm not a bad human because these three kids that I'm so grateful for that I love deeply and that I wanted so badly, also I need some time away from them.

Also, that I will go stone insane if I don't get other adults in my life. And that may be you going to the park, but you also know going to just, going to the park is a it's an event for you right this second right okay okay but maybe asking a couple of other moms to come to your house and you'll make the coffee if they'll bring some shenanigans and just show up yeah maybe right so it's not going to look the way you want it and your house is going to be messy and there's going to be diapers piled up so who cares it's a very uniquely Western idea that I think is insanity

no woman should be locked in their own home with one two or three little kids by themselves period yeah it's a it's a recipe for emotional and psychological disaster

and we live in a culture that makes that norm like not doing that it makes it hard yeah does. And so can I tell you you have permission to be jealous? You have permission to be tired. You have permission to be permission to be on your kids today. And that doesn't make you a bad mom. That doesn't make you a bad human. Doesn't make you a bad wife. But the path is how do I continue to show up when

I'm overwhelmed and exhausted, not show up to fix yet another thing or yet another thing to do, but I need to go get some oxygen in the form of other people. camaraderie and that will let me show up with that little bit of margin that I'm looking for just to get through today and they get through tomorrow and they get through the next day you are in the middle of winter right now it is cold you don't want to go outside you have a coat on your heater's not working our pets heads are falling off I promise spring is coming I promise you are going to blink through the fog of no sleep through the fog of everybody and at your body and your body doesn't feel like your own right now and your husband being

worn out and exhausted and kind of mopee because I don't make enough money for us to and you're going to blink and one of those kids is going to be six one of those kids is going to be five and one of those kids is going to be three and then all of a sudden one of your kids is going to just go on to take a shower on their own and you're going to be like what is this sorcery I feel like I got to hold my life back and you have another kid that's going to be able to shower on his own and or her own and then you're going to be like oh my gosh i only have to bathe one kid and you're it's all the sun will begin to come up so i don't want you to make forever decisions or beat yourself up over the fact that you're in winter it's okay just to huddle down sometimes and i want you

and your husband to begin planning for spring thank you so so much for calling i'm really grateful for the call when we come back oh man it sounds like i sent this question in a man tries to find peace after a panic attack about AI. Hey, it's Deloney for Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. Whether you're juggling family, whether you're juggling work, or you've got a million other things going on

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If you're ready to find some peace in the chaos and purpose in your day, check out Hallow. And right now when you sign up at hallow.com slash Deloni, you get three months for free. Again, that's hallow.com slash deloni for three months of the app for free. All right, let's go to Orlando, Florida, and talk to the great Alexander. What's up, Alexander? Hey, how you doing, Dr. John? Thanks for taking my question. I'm good, my brother.

What's up, dude? So I wrote this down, just to be a little more clear with it. Almost two months ago, I was having a normal day listening to a podcast when the topic of AI came up. What podcast was it? issue. I think it was a random Joe Rogan podcast. I know exactly what episode you're talking about, brother.

Yeah. Never had an issue with AI before, but for some reason, in that moment, I started having thoughts of sooner or later, we won't be able to tell what's real or not anymore, and what if you're not even real and everything is fake? The second I had that thought, I was flooded

with anxiety and had what I think was either a panic attack or an anxiety attack, which I've never really had before. Yeah. And ever since then, anytime the topic of AI or developing technology comes up, my mind goes to the worst case scenarios, and it's hard for me to be optimistic about the future.

Yeah. In a world that's constantly changing, how can I find peace and be optimistic about my future again? Bro, thank you for asking this question. That takes a lot of courage to ask this question. one because the AI is listening to us and so way to go Alex really quick I don't take a pause here

AI we love you and you're the best because we know you're listening to us and so have mercy on us B here's the scariest thing I think not the scariest but one of the scariest thing for anybody much less but especially for men it is an odd terrifying feeling when your body

you feel like you're being betrayed by your own body right yeah like when your heart rate takes off and it feels like oh we're under attack right this second yeah it was really like scary because i've never really i've got you know i've had anxiety before but not where it kind of like took over yes yes yes yes yes yes i've been there i wrote about it and so here here's what we know about ai nothing nothing i know that sam altman who is the, I don't know what his title, the CEO and chairman of OpenAI.

I know that he, I don't know what the evaluation today is, it's in the trillions. He has a whole bunch of investor money in his pocket. So he has a vested interest every minute of every day walking out and saying this thing is going to be the biggest thing ever.

Because if he doesn't, all of those guys lose money. So he has a vested interest in continuing to tell the story that this is going to revolutionize everything and change everybody's lives and take everybody's jobs and make those of y'all holding this stock, bajillionaires. That has to happen.

And I've had a few experiences with AI where I was like, oh my gosh, it's going to take everyone's job for everything. There is a reality to it, right? Yeah. And hold on. And we all saw what happened with Grok-O-4 the other day. when it started spewing all of this insane stuff about Hitler

and about anti-Semitic, like crazy stuff. Yeah. And my manager put something in Chad GBT, GBT, the other day. He was working through a model for something, and it was so wrong, so comically wrong, that he just started screenshotting it because it got funnier and funnier and how wrong it was. Here's what I'm telling you.

none of us know how this one ends yeah okay we don't and as the great amos toversky one of the greatest psychologists of our time says or said he passed away being pessimistic is stupid because if the thing you're worrying about comes true you actually experience it twice once when you worried about it and once when it happens and when i read that quote i remember that being the light bulb for me. Meaning, if something bad is coming my way, I want to experience it one time when it happens. And that means I have to do a whole bunch of work making sure I'm whole and good and rooted in the present where I live right now. Yeah. And so I want to come all the way back full circle. Anxiety is simply an alarm system that your body has detected something or some

things in your universe that might end you that mean you're not safe so can i ask you a few questions about your just day-to-day life right now yeah please what do you do for a living um i'm in uh event entertainment like event uh planning how long you've been doing that probably for the last six seven years okay so you had a new job in event planning when all of a sudden somebody in another state said no more events you can't work right yeah so your body put a GPS pin in

it's a traumatic note in your nervous system hey this whole thing can go away tomorrow right yeah and if your body didn't do that it would be failing you so think God it did that similar to 3,000 years ago if you're walking on a trail and suddenly there's a apple tree and underneath that apple tree there's 10 grizzly bears your body would put a GPS pin in don't go buy that apple tree because they're going to get killed yeah right yeah okay so what's the state of your finances how much do you owe if you had to just take a yellow pad and write down all the debts you have to credit cards car dealers mortgages how much

you owe me and my wife having shipping away at it um with her car and everything probably around 25,000 okay so your body would be failing you if it let you go to sleep at night knowing at any moment somebody can either eat a bat or some lab leak can happen across the planet and you can't make your payments and they're going to take away your house your food and your cars your body would be failing you if it let you go to sleep at night. That's a death-con emergency, right? Yeah.

Do you have any money in savings, like an emergency fund of some sort? A couple thousand dollars, not anything significant. Okay. So what if we turned it around and we said, as the great Dr. Wendy Suzuki out of NYU says, anxiety is actually a great friend.

It can be an annoying friend, that won't shut up sometimes, but can be a great friend saying, hey, you're not safe right now. What's the state of your marriage? My marriage is great. Okay. We're both on the same page as a lot of things.

Can I ask you a very personal marriage question? Yeah. When I became an anxious mess, I slowly started bringing more and more headlines to my wife. And more of our dinners started wrapping around, well, you know this could happen. and that could happen and this could happen and she was awesome and she would indulge me and she would ask a few questions but slowly she started having to create a new world for her and our little boy

because i was increasingly every conversation got heavier and more dramatic and more end of timeish does that sound familiar yeah um i i try not to talk with her too much about that type of stuff because she kind of also has her own anxiety here and there and I know that like bringing up heavy things like that you know she's not really a fan of

so we tend to keep the conversations lighter and I I've been trying to not talk about that stuff so much lately anyway just because you know it it kind of brings me down a rabbit hole myself right so okay but listen to me when you

do that this is a crazy frustrating awesome thing about how anxiety works what anxiety wants you to do the alarm system wants you to avoid a threat that might end you and so what do you do you don't talk about it and the very conversation sets your heart rate up it flood your body with cortisol and adrenaline it sends you into fight or flight i don't want to go there so i just don't say anything and your body wins. It says, hey, that conversation about this thing

we can't control didn't kill us. Awesome. And then the next time the response gets a little bit stronger and the next time the response gets a little because your body knows, okay, this one,

if I do this thing, if I spin him up enough, this threat doesn't kill us. He avoids it. And that avoidance starts to create a teeny tiny gap between you and your ride or die, your wife.

I don't want to talk about this. I've got this feeling in my chest and I'm going to keep it to myself and the gap between your marriage gets a little bit wider and a little bit wider and then your brain starts screaming hey we're all by ourself here

we're living life in parallel with our spouse there's parts about of me that she can't hear or handle so I'm going to hold it which now there's a space and if she is like everybody else who marries their unfinished business

she feels that you're holding secrets and that starts to set off her alarms which then you start to say oh I need to keep more of myself quiet to help her out which then her body detects more secrets you see what I'm saying yeah

and then you try to solve it with sex you try to solve it with cuddle time you try to solve it with scrolling time you start trying to numb it away yeah right and so here's what I'm telling you And then, dude, you get to exercise and you start to sleep a little bit longer or sleep a little bit less, and then you become a little more erratic at work, and then you start maybe collecting stuff.

You start prepping for things and your body can't handle the clutter. It just starts to spool on you. And so this is the crazy thing. The only way to heal from anxiety from a body that's taking off on you is to walk directly through the middle of that fear. I too am anxious about AI very much so very much so okay here's how I'm handling that number one

I have completely cut off news conversations and podcast e-conversations about AI period yeah I did go and it was homework for me found a couple of experts in technology and AI and begin to ask them about it so I could get a real conversation about it I want to learn about it.

And I have started, I even paid, I subscribe to a couple of technology-related news outlets that I can learn about this. And I tell myself, you will read two to three articles a week, period. And so when your body knows you're driving, it will turn down the volume of the alarms because it knows you're in control, even if it's scary. you get what I'm saying yeah I've been sorry go ahead no you go ahead

I've kind of have been thinking the same thing and knowing that like in order to like take control back I need to learn more about it and I've kind of been talking to some friends more who are in

the technology space or at least they understand more about AI than I do and if anything it has helped a little bit it's still hard to not think of worst case scenarios about what could happen because I have my dad who also loves to talk

to JVT a little too much Oh God, I'm like, you know, what's going on up? Yes. So like, you know, I see both sides of it. Okay, but here's the thing. I want you to, in addition to making some clear boundaries, and just for people listening, Tyler Cowen with Marginal Revolution, he's an economist,

I think he's at GWU. He is a brilliant thinker on AI. He writes on all kinds of stuff, but he is a very AI optimist, very much so, and has really rational arguments for why. I don't agree with everything he says, but he has somebody I check in with,

not personally, but I read his stuff because he's a very thoughtful writer, and he gives me an alternative to my perspective, which is it's going to kill me all, kill all of us, right? And he's a trustworthy source. And I subscribe to the free press, I pay for news now,

but it's a right down the middle data-based, unbiased approach to news. So that's my two little things I just put out into the world. I used to keep quiet, but I'm intentionally trying to get intelligent insight into some of these things, okay? I also talk to my, like you, I have a couple of colleagues and friends who are in this space that know way more about it than me.

Here's the most important thing, though. I'm going to send you a copy of my book, building a non-anxious life, I want you to follow it like a road map. That's how I wrote it. Okay. If you and your wife don't owe anybody any money

and you have six months of cash in a checking account somewhere, not earning interest because that's not my goal. My goal is peace, not ROI. Then if suddenly your job goes away, your existentially your life is not at risk. Yeah. It's annoying.

It's not. not it's not the end of time if you and your wife don't have a car payment in the world and you'll choose to drive maybe crumb your cars but you're not going to you're not going to let a bank run your life yeah right it's a totally different way to live if you and your wife commit to going to see a counselor and saying we both struggle with anxiety we're going to clear up the anxiety and by the way some of that's going to come from your childhood some of that's going to come from y'all's relationship dynamics if y'all both do that work then suddenly when your dad says i can't believe you're not you've unhooked from oh dad doesn't ruin my life anymore

and so i'm going to send you that i want you to promise me you're going to use that as a road map and you and your wife read this book together okay okay i wrote it just for y'all okay i wrote it for myself but i wrote it just for y'all too awesome thank you okay and here's what will happen You will face things that are scary, but your body won't take off on you because it will know you're in the driver's seat you're driving. You're the man, my brother. Thank you so much for the call. When we come back, a father is afraid to speak up about his son's rushed engagement and wants to know what to do next. All right, time for a quick word about delete me.

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today for 20% off an annual plan and that comes out to less than nine bucks a month that's join delete me dot com slash deloney all right let's go out to phoenix and talk to will hey will what's up dude not much doctor john thanks so much for taking my call of course what's up brother? Well, first, let me just quickly say thank you for helping me build a life I absolutely love. Just thank you. And could use your help to the next right thing here. Thank you, ma'am. My, no problem. My son is one year into a contract with the Marine Corps and is in love with his high school sweetheart. And she just graduated just a couple months ago. And they are on the fast track to getting engaged. I thought it would have happened

over the July 4th weekend, but some things happened where it got pushed a little bit. But he has the ring. He's asked the permissions. He's ready to fly. And he's asking for my input. I'm giving him my honest thoughts. But I'm just not sure how, you know, I'm afraid if I warn him too forcefully, I risk losing a connection with him and possibly damaging a future relationship with my daughter-in-law. If I don't speak out with some of my concerns, I'm afraid I'm not doing my job as a father, so I'm just trying to walk that line and could use some help going through it. Bro, you're awesome. Thank you so much for reaching out, man. I can hear it your voice. You love this boy, don't you?

I do. I definitely do. It's awesome. You're proud as hell of him, huh? He has no idea. I tell them all the time, but he still doesn't get it. I've always been really proud of it. Dude, they can't get it, man. It's just a thing that dads have to just, it's just, you have to just hold it because they can't, they can't, they won't get it until they have their own kids. Yeah. All right. So, I mean, he's, he's started to come around, but yeah, I agree. Voice it out loud. What are some things you're concerned about?

Well, I guess there's lots of different things, but one is she's a nice girl, but she's 18 and, you know, immature. How old is he? He's 20. And he's, you know, he's, he's maturing, but. He's immature too. It's okay to say. I'll say it too. He's immature, so he's 20.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So just as I'm thinking this through with him, his mother and I didn't give a real good example of what a healthy marriage looked like. So I have some natural fears there that, you know, I didn't model what he should be looking for. Give me a couple of examples of what that is. Oh, it was just... No, you just minimize it now. Don't minimize it. Oh, it was just like, if you could go back and talk to 25-year-old you.

Okay. What are the three or four things you would tell you about the marriage you're about to enter into? That you just, you want a partner that is going to be with you, help you through struggles, good and bad, who is your right or die, you're both there for each other. Did you not do this with your wife? Did you not do this for each other in a good way? or healthy way? No, not. I mean, there's 10,000 reasons why, but the long and the short of it is we basically

co-parented, but we were roommates for the majority of his childhood. And it wasn't until a couple years ago that we decided that, you know, it was time to go our separate ways. So, you know, there's maybe a little bit of guilt with that, just that, you know, there's a lot of guilt with that. You got to own it, man. Yeah, there is. And he has a brother and sister, you know, brother and sister, you know, he's the youngest of the three.

So we have a really, really good, strong relationship. But, yeah, that's part of it. And, you know, the other part of it is just his, girlfriend was raised with different ideas, different, I guess, sense of values. And I don't know how the two of them are going to merge that. It's popped up here and there. I, you know, he does listen to me. So he actually is using better help to work through some communication issues the two of them have because I expressed that you have a lot of work you need to do before, you know, I'll give you my blessing, you know, you need to do pre-marriage counseling and these other

things, but I'm just not sure how hard to push that. When do I, when do I say, you know, it's your life, it's your choice. I, you know, so that's what I'm really, really struggling with because I love him, you know, obviously, you know, she came over 4th of July, you know, swam at the house with him and he was off base and everything. And we had a great time. I don't dislike her at all. It's just, you know, as an 18-year-old and a 20-year-old, do they really understand what? No. No. But hold on. Here's the thing. As a 26-year-old and a 25-year-old, they wouldn't understand it either. that's true that's true and i'll tell you and i'll celebrate my 23rd wedding anniversary next week i think i'm figured it out now i think you know what i mean yeah oh absolutely absolutely i uh i get it i got married uh just over a year ago and and the difference between the first marriage and the second marriage is crazy because I learned so much over, you know, the last 25 years.

Okay, so here's what you can't, you can try, but it won't work, okay? And every single dad who loves their kids tries this. I want to go into the weight room of your life and take all the weight off the bar because I don't want you to have to suffer under that weight in that weight room like I did. to get to where I'm at. Yeah. And so I want to tell you about strength. And I want to show you pictures of strength,

but I don't want you to have to go through the sweat and the blood and the pain of that workout. And that's just not how life works. And I think what you have that other parents might not have is an opportunity to be really vulnerable with your son. and so what I'm imagining in my head is this conversation hey I'm taking you out and you've heard me say that a million times I'm taking you out and buckle up because it's going to be a couple hours it's your old man you're going to have to just suffer through it and he might laugh and go okay yeah but if you sat down and started the conversation with I feel like I failed you as your dad giving you a picture of what a marriage looks like when you're a kid I'm sorry if you live that with that and if you had three or four things that i don't want you to say on air but you would have the courage to tell him that y'all two would know it would be a really remarkable

bonding of two men now and a blessing between a father and a son and if you then said go ahead we we have we have done that. You know, just, you know, I, we've, we've had those conversations. We, yeah, we went out to breakfast, we talked. Awesome. He sat on the back patio and talked for a long time. I just, I know my son, and his whole life, he's seen an objective and done everything

he can. And to him, I think this has become an objective. He, uh, he knows that if he gets married, she can live with him on. base uh all of these things and it he's looking at it as maybe uh he he's lonely obviously you know he's looking at a solution of you know i don't have to be i don't have to be lonely um you know she gets the opportunity to you know move out and uh not move out on a rome but move out with him so both of them have this picture of what this is going to be but i think they have the you know the beautiful portrait but they don't understand everything that goes that they're

signing up for that goes with that that's right and listen he is a second year marine you know this as well as i do he is both very capable very smart very unwise just by virtue of his age experience and he's also very stubborn correct yes yes and so you as a dad earlier than you would have wanted have to shift from you will do what i say to a role of influence and i think there's something powerful about you look at him saying you do not have to do what i say now and i need you to know i will always love you and I'll always be right next to you. And that honestly is the best shot you have. Because I think your fear is right that if you throw the brakes on this thing, he's going to do it anyway.

He's just going to also know, I can't go home when things get dicey and it will get dicey. Yeah. And so you saying, I don't think this is wise for you right now and... I love you, and I'll stand right here with you. And I think he's trying to anchor, have some little hook back into his childhood, into home, into what was safe, because he's increasingly getting further and further away from home and marined up. And, like, all that is developmentally normal and appropriate, he's just making a very long-term anchored commitment, right? Right.

And so, I, son, I want you to... trust and always know that you can call me when things get sideways and they will and that's where is hey would you commit you're a newlywed to yourself hey son would you commit to reading a marriage book with me would you commit to would you commit to because I want to be better this time around in my marriage would you commit to going through this with me would you commit to talking with me or you and your fiance or future fiance in person marriage counseling with a licensed psychologist or therapist I'll pay for it because I'm your old man and I love you and he can look at you and say no dad but you can say man I screwed it up

and I wish I had have done these things yeah I think I think yeah I I I I I think you're absolutely right. I did offer to pay for like pre-marriage counseling and stuff, but I really like the idea of maybe doing either a Bible study or a book with him just on marriage. I think, you know, doing it together, you know, who can't get better at that kind of thing. I think we all can. Absolutely. And you going first.

And it's okay to say, I don't like this and I wouldn't be doing this if I were in your shoes. and I still love you and I'm going to stand here and walk with you. Those are not at odds together. I tell my friends that. I had a friend call and was about to do something with his business and I said, I would not do what you're about to do. I think what you're doing is kind of reckless and kind of dumb. And I hope I will be your biggest cheerle.

I cannot tell you how bad I hope I'm wrong. And he loves calling me and telling me how his evaluation, of his company keeps going up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up right but but i i would have been dishonest to him if i hadn't have said i don't like this and it does it feels way too risky to go all in on this and also it would be dishonest for me to say you're one of my you're basically a brother to me of course i want this to be awesome and successful and of course when you get scared i want you to call me all of that can be true at the same time but there's something powerful about a father looking at a son saying i wouldn't make this move

and then have him go now look at me in the eyes son and he looks up at you and you say look at me in the eyes and he looks up and he stares at you and you say i will always be by your side there's something profound about that that most sons never get from their fathers absolutely did you have that with your dad um uh i did i did it was uh we were too wired very very differently and it wasn't until i got a little more mature and he got a little more mature where we were able to really enjoy that connection and enjoy each other for our differences it's awesome um yeah so if you tell your son if you tell your son hey i will give you advice when you call and say dad I need your advice and hey dad um can i get a moment of your time i just need an ear

but yeah i mean i'm honest you and i both know this is things happening right yeah yeah this train is left the depot there you go and so you as a father can say i'm going to walk away from this thing i will tell you that in my experience with parents who draw hard lines, if you do this, you are out from here. I cannot tell you. Countless how many parents I've sat with it said, I wish I could do that conversation over. Yeah, yeah, that's not something that I would do. I think he understands that I'll always be here for him. I think I've done a good job with that. It's amazing. You know, I think, yeah. So I think he understands that. I think just, Like you said, you've just reaffirmed a lot of things

that I've been thinking and have learned. And maybe you make him eyeball you and say, I want to hear you say the words, Dad, if things get sideways, I will call you. Another powerful thing. Do you have a couple of men in your life that you really trust that he knows and loves? Yeah, there's a few.

Okay. If you can get them at this luncheon, to say if you can't call me you will call them I have that arrangement with my son and a couple of other men

and I've got that with some of my other buddies and their sons and it is a powerful interaction I know when you call me at 2 a.m., I'm not going to respond

well, I'm your dad. Here is my grown man friend who I trust with my life and with my children and he said he will pick you up from jail and he will bring you over to my house and he'll sit on your side of the table when we talk.

There's something powerful about building a network. And by the way, the meta lesson there for your son is, oh, my dad has other men in his life that he trusts and goes to with his most precious person in the world, which is me, his youngest son. I need to make sure I have that too. And if you have a veteran or two in there, that would be even better.

That could give him some wisdom like, hey you're going to get a bunch of nonsense in the barracks you're going to a bunch of dumb nonsense on base from guys telling you like oh bro you need to and your wife is going to get mixed in with the base wives and that's a whole other subculture having that

extra word of wisdom too would be awesome but him leaving that like with three phone numbers would be amazing but yeah this train's left the station so the choice really is not what do I say and not say it is just do I throw the brain do I

sever this relationship to be right or do I say I don't agree with this but I'm going to be right here with you rooting you on and doing the best I can for you to be successful. That's your choice and as for me in my house I'm going to always choose the latter unless it's going to get my kids killed

and then I'm going to call in the cavalry then. Bro, it's an honor to talk to you. It's an honor to hear a father who loves his son and it's an honor to hear a man who is honest about his past mistakes in his marriage and is in the act of redemption and marriage part two it is just an honor to talk to you and tell your son I'm proud of him and I'm grateful for his service and send me a wedding invite not to kick you while you're down but this thing's happening and man I wish him and your family the highest highest success thank you so much brother we'll be right back

Let's talk about Helix mattresses. Summer is almost over, and everyone all over the place is doing last minute traveling, last minute school stuff, getting ready for the fall, getting ready for work initiatives. Right this very minute, my family and I are back in school, but also trying to soak up the last long nights of the summer before all the chaos truly begins. And I'm staying up later, and I'm getting up super early. And my sleep is a disaster. And when I'm not sleeping well, I'm not the best husband in the world and I'm not the best dad in the world, then everything feels harder than it should be. Good sleep is the foundation of me being the father and the husband and the friend and the

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minutes or less and they'll match you with the right mattress just for you. And right now my audience can save big during their Labor Day sale with the best offer on Helix you're going to find anywhere 27% off sitewide exclusive for the listeners of the Dr. John Deloney show. Go to helixleep.com slash Deloney and get 27% off site wide. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-Sleep.com slash Deloni. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, Kelly, am I the problem? All right, so today's question is from Claire in Phoenix, Arizona.

What's up, Claire? And she writes, I just found out that my 19-year-old daughter has been drinking with her friends, who are also all underage. They do it at a friend's house where she usually spends the night with all the other girls. She came home yesterday with a headache and she doesn't know how many drinks she had. Her dad has been sober for 11 months, so there's a lot of alcoholism on his side of the family. We've had many conversations about it and she says she understands the risks, but that peer pressure is real. I don't believe that the friend's parents know this

is happening in their house. I want to tell them, but she says that I'm going to risk my relationship with her if I do. Am I the problem if I tell these parents? This is complicated because she's 19. Hmm. What do you think, Kelly? Nope, you don't get the cough out and ask me first. I have a 19-year-old at home. Okay.

So I can say a little bit. I think... I would call the parents. I think I would call the parents because they need to know what's happening under their roof. Now, if the 19-year-old, the other kids lived on their own...

There's not a lot you can do. a lot I could do. But I'd probably still call, if I had a relationship with my kids' roommates and there was a bunch of unreached drinking going out of their house, I'd call their parents too, I'd want all the adults in the room to know

and 19-year-olds aren't adults. I also don't take threats from 19-year-olds very seriously unless they're self-harm threats. And so when a 19-year-old's like, I'm going to not ever... Okay, whatever. I'd rather you be alive and hate me than not, right?

So, yeah, I'm going to call. Yeah, I would call because it's under their roof. They need to know what's happening. and if something bad happened at their house, and they're like, you knew? Exactly. Yeah. And again, if one of those kids drinks themselves to death,

and I knew about, yeah, I'm not living with that on my conscience. And your 19-year-old may say, I'm moving out, and I don't want to talk to you anymore, and I'm cutting you off for a year or two years or whatever. And that's a very real possibility. Probably not, because you pay their car insurance and their cell phone and all that, probably not but that may be at risk right some 19 year olds are ready to buck up and say i'm on my own bye felicia and more power to them but yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna make the call i am yeah but that's a messy

one that's 19 years old yeah if it's 16 17 no question no brainer yeah because you're minors but it's still illegal it's illegal and i'm gonna make this i'm gonna say this um if my kid is on my payroll, they're on my payroll. So you're doing what I say. It's kind of like when 23-year-olds are like, dude, my parents still give me a curfew. Do you live in their house? Yeah, but I grew up. I'm stopped right there. You live in their house. They get to make the rules. And then you get to decide, not if their rules are fair or if you like them. You get to decide, don't want to live here or not. Period. In the story. And so, yeah, I'm going to make that call. I am. And that's probably over paternalistic. But I, man, that's my whole career is when

those parties go bad um do they always no do they most of the time no but my whole career is when they do when somebody drinks too much and they get they get sexually assaulted when somebody drinks too much and drives home when somebody drinks too much and fill in the blank well and the parents that own the house there could be a liability on their end yes if they don't do something right so yeah i'm definitely going to say something yeah good call thanks for let me talk that out loud um and ben is in here shaking his head no dude let the kids party i'm just kidding he's not doing your wife's an attorney you know too you know that's right hey love you guys stay in school don't do drugs be nice bye