The Dr. John Delony Show - I’m Jealous of the Life My Daughter Has

Episode Date: June 22, 2022

Today, we’re talking with a mom struggling with jealousy as her daughter achieves the life she always wanted, a man still unable to trust relationships 10 years after he was given an STD, and a mom wondering why she’s having a hard time loving her newly adopted son. Lyrics of the Day: "Hey Jealousy" - Gin Blossoms Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I found out later on that she, in fact, had a sexually transmitted disease. You know, at that point, I had it as well. And so she knew about this, she got the test, and then she went ahead and slept with you anyway? I found out that she was taking medication for it prior to meeting me. So she's known about this for a while. Yo, yo, yo, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

Hope you're doing so well. Hope life's going good. Hope your family is healthy. The summer is upon us, and I hope that y'all's amidst all the chaos and all the madness and all the whatever's going on that you're finding some peace and some steps and direction moving forward. So happy that you're here on the

best mental health podcast of all time in the history of humanity. I don't think podcasts have been around for like 10 years, maybe 12 years. It's kind of a little bit of a... Anyway, so if you want to be on this, the greatest show ever, um,

one, eight, four, four, six, nine, three, 3291.

That's one, eight, four, four, six, nine, three, three,

two, nine, one, or go to John Deloney.com slash ask. And don't forget the new questions for humans. Decks are out and you can go to John Deloney.com and check them out. But for real, they're not they're fun they're super fun lots of laughs lots of like you know they're fun but they're a tool

they're a tool to help you reconnect with your buddies with your girlfriends with someone you're on a date with with your family they're a tool man and it takes the heat for you so you can get into some of these conversations so go to johndelaine.com and check those out. All right, let's go to Becca in Whiteland, Indiana. What's up, Becca? Hey, thank you so much for your time. I truly appreciate it. Thank you so much. I haven't got a good hey in a long time. That made my morning. So what's up? Okay. I am struggling with, I guess, life not turning out as

I hoped it would. And what I mean, what I mean by that is, I don't know if I want to say jealousy, but my daughter, I feel like she basically has the life that I want. And I know that sounds so wrong. I have a very good relationship with my daughter.

Okay. And her, but her boyfriend, fiance, he's, you know, he's very attentive. He just asked if she needed help with me. He wants to do things with her. He wants to be with her. He's financially stable. And, you know, again, I am so happy for her. And, you know, I feel like I do have a blessed life, but it's just kind of like, I feel like, you know, because I recently, I've been reading your book and it's kind of brought a lot of, I guess, bricks out.

Yeah. And I recently, just like about a week ago, I just kind of had a meltdown and my daughter was witness to it. And so it was just, it was hard. I mean, it was like kind of everything just came up and she was there for me and you know it's just it's a lot so how old are you? I am 54 and I've been married for almost 32 years

oh so you're still married yeah so these are hard when you are man there's a lot here. Number one, thank you for being brave. Number two, you're not crazy, okay? You're not nuts, all right?

Number three, when you first start to realize what you're carrying around those bricks, I don't know somebody that has not had a sit down and weep heavily. I don't know that person, myself included. When I realized what I was carrying around, it was a lot. A, I didn't realize I was even carrying it. B, I didn't realize that those things were still fresh, so fresh to the surface of my skin. Three, I didn't realize that I had compromised so many of my other relationships because of what I was carrying, right? So all that stuff comes at once and it's just a lot. Yours is unique in that you're grieving something that you're still living.

Well, and I think a lot of it, I know a lot of it stems from my past because I know I had, my childhood was pretty crappy. I mean, it wasn't horrible, but I mean, it was pretty crappy. So I guess I had hoped for better. And I just had hoped, I guess, that my husband would honor me in the way that her boyfriend seems to honor her. For example, she didn't want to have sex before marriage, and he has honored that, and I've even talked to her about it. And she's like, no, Mom, we haven't. You're peer-pressuring her like, come on. She's like, no, I'm messing with you.

I'm messing with you. I'm messing with you. But he upholds her values, right? Her boundaries and probably vice versa. Yeah. So let me tell you two things. One is he's not perfect. He's an illusion. Okay. Sure. There's no such thing as Mr. Right. That entity doesn't exist outside of a Marvel show, okay? Yeah. And it's really tempting to look at your life as it has been and the compromises you've made, the things that your husband has steamrolled over, whether those are your needs, your desires, your dreams, where you want to live, all those things, right? There's going to be a litany of them.

It's easy to look at what your daughter has and say, if I had had that. What I'll tell you is that's great that he listens to her values. That means he loves her, and that's great. And that's great that she trusts him with her boundaries. That's great. But you're superimposing your regrets on a fantasy. And so I want to caution you about that, okay?

It's not real. He might be great. He may be wonderful to caution you about that, okay? It's not real. He might be great. He may be wonderful. He's not perfect, okay? The second thing is, have you sat down any point over the last 30 years and told your husband,

here's what I need? Actually, I did. Okay, how'd it go? We had actually a long talk over the weekend. And I told him, I said, here's what I want you to do. You did it for the first time in 30 years, right? No, no, we've actually done it before.

It's just kind of like, okay, you know, and he's like, well, am I in trouble? No, no, no, I just want to talk. But I told him, I said, I want you to make a list. And, you know, things that you think that I could do to make our marriage better or whatever. And I'll have a list and we'll sit down and talk. So I gave him a pad of paper and he wrote down three things. And I'm like, that's it? Well, yeah, that's all I can think of.

And I'm like, okay, be brutally honest. He said, no, that's it. And he wrote down communication, intimacy, and he felt like he could help more. I was like, well, that's not really me. He said, but well,. I've had some issues with, I think, things in our past and things early on in our marriage. I've been to the doctor because for whatever reason, this is going to sound truly bizarre, but there's been times when we've been intimate and I will suddenly have a thunderclap headache. There's nothing strange about that. Sex with your husband is not safe for your body.

So, I mean, of course he's just like, wow, I'm just that good, huh? Which is a classic thing for an idiot to say in the middle, right? I mean, he was basically, you know, he was like, how can I help? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm like, of course, of course, of course. And of course I'm like, you know, grabbing my head

and just like bawling my eyes out, you know, and it lasts for a few minutes and doctors, they don't know anything about it. I'm like, well, what'd I do? And it's like, well, here, take this pill. I take a lot of pills. Thanks a lot. So here's the thing. Here's the thing. Just in the very limited things you're telling me, sitting down and saying, what are a couple of things or what are all the things

that can make our marriage better? That is a way to distance yourself from you. And the whole crux of this book is you looking in the mirror and saying, I need this. And you haven't done that probably ever. You may have said, I want this, or it would really be nice if,

but just, I'm reading between the lines here. This guy hurt you before yeah okay and it may have been multiple times and for any number of reasons for the sake of the marriage for the kids for the appearance for whatever the security and the financial safety whatever the reasons yeah and i almost left him a couple times. There you go. So you've put this entity ahead of you for a long time. And that's the way we're taught. That's the way Sunday school taught people. That's the way schools and parents talk.

It's this thing. But if the people in this thing aren't safe and aren't okay, this thing doesn't work, right? It's like focusing on the building, on the building. And we don't need steel. Let's just use styrofoam because we're focusing on the building. And it's like, the building's going to fall down because the pillars aren't strong. And so instead of sitting down and saying, hey, what are the things, write down everything brutally honest that you can make this marriage better. Say, what do you need from me to give you a life that gives you peace

so that you can give me what I need? Because for 35 years, you have not. And that's going to come back to, oh, I do this. And you know what? He's kind of right on one of the issues, on probably all the issues. He's probably right. I think it's fair when he writes communication. It's not what he thinks.

But I don't know how often you've sat down and said, I still can't breathe sometimes when I think about what you did. Yeah. Well, and I told him, I said, you have to understand. I said, there are certain things that maybe you do that maybe are triggers. And he said, well, that's not fair to punish me for things that happen. And I'm trying to make him understand it's not you. It's just something I have to deal with. And I am seeing somebody right now.

Right. So listen, this idea of, well, you can't punish me for, that is, that's, that language pisses me off, man. Because it takes somebody else's hurt. But he is really honestly a good guy. Listen, listen, listen. Hold on. Now you're going to defend him, and that's what you've done for 35 years. Stop.

Okay? I believe he's probably got some great qualities. Awesome. You, your body is not safe with him. Okay? That doesn't mean he's going to hurt you. There's with him. Okay? That doesn't mean he's going to hurt you. No, I don't believe, he won't hurt me. No, exactly, exactly.

But right when it starts to get very, very real, you roll off into trying to defend him and protect him, and it's fine, it's okay, I just need to, I get headaches every once in a while. Here's what I'm trying to tell you. You have to own what happened period and he's right um punishment never solves anything it just doesn't solve it's just not going to help but right your pain and your hurt isn't punishing him

yeah your pain and your hurt is something you got to heal from. It's classic self-centered. The whole world revolves around me when somebody's healing from sexual trauma and their partner's like, oh, are you going to punish me by not having sex with me? It's like me like stepping on a nail and I got to get my foot healed. And my wife goes, oh, you're going to punish me by not going for a run for me just because your foot has a nail in it? Yes. Well, I mean, I know that he,

I'll put it this way. In the past couple of years, I can probably count on one hand the times that we've been intimate. And honestly, he has, he told me at one point, he said, no, if we never have sex again, it's okay. But of course, it's not okay.

And I know he was trying to be kind, and I know he hates the things I have to deal with. He told me yesterday, I've been to another doctor, and he said, I hate this. I can't stand that you have to deal with this. But I'm kind of like, I deal with it. It's just life. So let me ask you this. This is going to sound like a crazy question. Mm-hmm.

Do you want to heal? Absolutely. Hold on, hold on before you answer that. I know the, like, of course I don't want to have headaches anymore. That's not the question. Headaches are the alarm system. They're just letting you know that you're not safe. You're not okay. And again, I'm not a doctor. I'm just

making this up. It could be completely physiological, but I'm just going off based on what you just told me just now, okay? If you want to heal, you're going to have to get with a therapist and deal with the trauma from your past. Because your body is still responding in the present to things that happen to you. Your body has one mechanism and it's to protect you from tigers or bears. And something happened in the past, probably multiple times, as you mentioned, that your brain has GPS pinned him as a bear, as a tiger. He's not safe.

And until that heals, partly from you choosing, I'm going to go deal with this. And that means you're going to have to deal with the consequences of what happened. Because you may have to look at him and said, you did these things and I've got to heal from this. And then you're going to have to say, now I'm going to set these bricks down and relearn what intimacy looks like with my husband. Right. If that's the choice you make. Or the choice might be that I'm out. I'm done with this. Yeah.

Okay. But all I have to say is, when I say, are you ready to heal from this? That's twofold. Are you ready to for real, probably for the first time, actually own this? And two, are you willing to be vulnerable and risk again moving forward? And both of those things have to be true. You cannot white knuckle intimacy for the rest of your marriage Your body's continuing to tell you i'm not safe. I'm not safe. I'm not safe. So are you are you?

It feel here's what it feels like. Okay, and this is me just picture us having nachos. Okay, this isn't like i'm not lecturing you It feels like you know And it feels like he is a good guy and he's provided for us and he's done these things and you want to protect him and you want to protect the image you want to protect the thing y'all have and your body is saying we're not okay we're not okay we're not okay am i right or am i wrong yeah okay and i and i don't i don't understand completely why, because, you know, he, I don't know. I just feel like I'm just so strange. And I have talked to you about it with the person that I'm seeing, but it's almost kind of like I'm being told, well, that's in the past and you just need to, you know, kind of deal with it.

If a therapist tells you that, get up and walk out of their office. Yeah. Because it's not about you just bringing up crap from the past to throw mud in his face. Your body's literally telling you, not safe, not safe, not safe, not safe. And it's all through the book.

You will continue, your body will continue to solve for these things until you deal with them. Right. So you heal from them. I did happen to tell him because one thing is like my daughter's boyfriend, he's financially stable. And I told my husband, we were in debt.

And I told him, I said, that's one thing. I said, I sat down with him. This doesn't make me feel safe. You know, when I'm dealing with all this and looking at what we have, what we don't have, you know, that's one thing I did say. I don't feel safe. There you go. That's the language. Whenever you take your clothes off and you come towards me and I smell your breath, my body, my heart starts beating faster and not in a good way.

I got to heal from that. And I stiffen up and I don't know why. I mean, it's like he will come behind me and hug me and I can feel my body just stiffen up. That's right. And so be curious about that. Don't get mad. Don't get frustrated. Don't get angry. Get curious. Why is my body trying to protect me from my husband? What is it about him? Well, I kind of know. See, there you go. You know, you know. So Becca, if nothing else on this call,

I'm giving you permission to go get well. And make no mistake, this journey will be hell. It'll be hard. Because you know why your body stiffens up. You know why. And youens up. You know why. And you got to go deal with that. And that deal with that may be confrontation. It may be separation.

It may be EMDR and trauma response. And he's a part of it. And it may be you writing him letters. This is what happened. This is what you did to me. And this is why my body continues to respond. And there's going to be healing where your body knows I wasn't safe then because 30 years ago, we were all different people. And 25 years ago, he did some things that hurt me.

That's not him anymore. But I got to let my body know that at one point, this bear was going to eat me, and now this bear sleeps in the house. And that's the healing arc here. And that may mean that this pretty beautiful bone white facade that you've created around your life and your marriage and your kids, it may be that it's going to crumble on you a little bit, or you're going to have to take some pieces down, or you're going to end up having to move to a trailer for a while. All of that is, and I'm being metaphorical, by the way,

all that is about safety, healing your body. Because touch from your husband, touch from your wife, touch from your romantic, should be something that gives your body not the other way around. So be curious about that body response, but you don't have to be. You already know. Let me say this. You're worth the healing healing as hard as it's going to be. And don't romanticize and lionize what your daughter has. Cheer her on, right? Celebrate with her.

Here's the deal. You're 54, so you're a little over halfway done because you're going to live to be 100. Whenever you feel jealous, be curious about it. Like, oh man, why am I getting frustrated when I see him? Oh, I don't have these three things. And then we're going to loop back and have that conversation again. This is ripe for counseling for you and for your marriage.

And at some point, this idea of communication, this idea of intimacy, you need to get there, but it's going to come down to those conversations. Like you've begun and you're brave, brave, brave. I don't feel safe when. I don't feel safe when you touch me. I don't feel safe when we owe people money. I don't feel safe when I think you're going to quit all the time. I don't feel safe when you yell.

That has to end in this home. And I want to learn how you can touch me again. But that means we're going to have to go deal with what you did. And I'm going to have to forgive you for that. I'm going to have to set that down. And then I'm going to have to be vulnerable and risk moving forward. All these things, right? And you've got to get a professional to walk with you because it's been a long, long, long time.

I believe you can do it. I believe you can do it. And I'm proud of you for taking the first step and being brave. Celebrate your daughter. And then you go do it. And I'm proud of you for taking the first step and being brave. Celebrate your daughter. And you go get well. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social

settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties,

not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist

and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Let's go to James in Shreveport, Louisiana, home of Daniel Cormier and Dustin Poirier. What's up, James?

How you doing, Dr. John? Thanks for taking my call. You got it. What's up, dude? All right, so... Can I just stop you? That's literally my favorite, when somebody's like, all right.

So I always know it's going to be good next. So, all right. I won't interrupt you anymore. Bring it on. Okay. A girlfriend in college and which I thought, which was a serious relationship. So we decided to take the relationship to a level of intimacy. And prior to that, we both were aware that we had previous sexual relationships. So she wanted me to get tested

for sexually transmitted diseases. And so I did. Being the young man, I was obviously very excited. However, I shared the results with her and whatnot. And she, she never shared her information with me. Um, but at that point I was, you know, foolish or whatnot. I, I didn't really care. So we moved on, um, two years after that, I found out later on that she in fact, uh, had a sexually transmitted disease. And, you know, at that point, I had it as well. And the relationship ended in a ball of fire, needless to say. So hold on.

HIV or gonorrhea or HIV and syphilis or chlamydia? Like, what are we talking about here? So we're talking about HSV-2, which is one of the non-curable ones. So, yes. So she knew about this? She got the test and then she went ahead and slept with you anyway? Well,

I found out that she was taking medication for it prior to meeting me. So, yeah. She's known about this for a while. What was her reasoning? Why would she have you get tested? It's not strange, actually,

because she got burned at some point in a relationship, and so it makes sense that she would want to. But it doesn't make sense that she would say that in turn, like, what happened to me, I'm going to do to somebody else. What was her reasoning we didn't really discuss it that much um but she wasn't in a disgusting mood so yeah with it she had a lot of um a lot of emotional trauma i think she at one point was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. So our relationship was riddled with, I think she had a few attempted, or she said she had a few attempted suicide attempts and she was also participating in self-harm behaviors. So it was-

How long ago was this, man? This was about seven years ago. Okay. So bring me forward here. What's your question? So fast forward to now. Because of that relationship, I have trouble opening up. One day I'd like to share life with somebody, but I have a hard time even opening up to relationships and just trusting somebody enough to get to know them and to pursue like a future. And then the second part to that is once I do find somebody who I trust and I'm willing to

open up to, how do I even begin to communicate and say, Hey, you know, I've got this, um, this issue that's going to be going forward. And, um, you know, how do I just be open and honest? Because there's a lot of, I think internally, I've thought about this for the last seven years. There's a part of me is upset with myself because I allowed this to happen. Um, and you know, I made the decision to engage and I just, I just don't know what to do. I mean, it's been seven years. I haven't had any relationships since then. Okay, so here's the thing. A couple things here.

Number one, it happened. Okay? Cool? Yeah. There's a period at the end of that sentence. This thing happened. How old are you now? 27.

Okay, so you're 20. This happened. The number of things that 20... There's a reason we don't let 20-year-olds buy beer. They don So you're 20. This happened. The number of things that 20, there's a reason we don't let 20 year olds buy beer. They don't make great choices. Okay. So let's let 20 year old James off the hook, not off the hook.

You did a thing and it's still in, in, in your life. Right. But let's don't beat up 20 year old James. Let's come to 27 year old James and stop trying to edit the sentence that happened. You've been trying to edit that sentence for eight years seven years Why did this happen? What happened? I can't believe she did that. It's almost a decade of your life

Right, is that fair? Yeah, okay number two you got fried Somebody absolutely stone wrecked you. And you got to own that. It happened. Most people will go through their life without that happening to them. Or it will happen to everybody, but not at that scale.

And you had a bad one. Okay. It's similar to somebody who loves, has a loved one dies in a car wreck. Everybody drives all the time every day, right? There's sex going on all over the place. Very few people knowingly give somebody an STI just because they're cruel, right? That happened to you. Fair?

Yep. Okay, so let's own that. Let's put a period at the end of that sentence the only thing on the planet that you can influence is what happens next and so any insight any energy thoughts what ifs all of that is a complete and utter waste of your time because it solves nothing the only thing you can do is say, okay, what comes next? And two important things come next. Number one, you have to choose to be in relationship with people. You don't have to have a romantic

relationship. There's plenty of people that don't want romance. That's fine. You said you do. The second thing is how do you tell somebody you just tell somebody And will it be embarrassing? Yep Are you the only one? God, no, you're not the only one millions, right? Yeah, so the path forward I see is it's like you're You're running the 400 meter dash and suddenly coach puts you in the 300 metermeter hurdles, whatever it is, 300-meter hurdles, and you're like, there's these things in front.

And the two options you have is not run or jump over those things when you're running, right? And so you've got more hurdles in your path than I do. And the choice is, are you going to not run or are you going to run and have to jump over those things when you go? Does that make sense? Yeah, that's a good picture. And listen, I'm intentionally making this more simple than I know it is

in reality because all the STI stuff and how like how awful you would feel if you infected somebody

and how you continually go back and like why did I why did I why did you keep going back to those

I know those are haunting and I know those get looped in your head and it makes you anxious and it makes you fearful and I trust people all that and, you earned not trusting people. You got hosed, man, if that happened. But what I want to draw you out of this is the very simple

what happens next. And let's just say you end up meeting 10 people, 10 incredible women. You are attracted to them. You think they're smart and funny and brilliant, all the things, right? And 10 out of 10 of the next 10 you meet, you sit down and say, hey, before this goes any further, I got to let you know this. All 10 of them walk away and say, thanks, but no thanks. That doesn't mean that you aren't worth being loved. That means they're not in. And I'm going to move on to number 11.

Is that fair? Yeah. Yeah, that's fair. And if you've got to, I'll say you got to look at it that way because you don't want to use people as an ROI. Like, I just want to go out with you so you'll be my girlfriend. But there's this sense of, I'm going to continue to put myself out there because I'm worth being loved. And yes, my 20-year-old me did something stupid, and I got burned, and here we are. But I deserve being loved. I deserve being loved. I deserve being loved. And also, let's be honest, you did get an STI from somebody, but you also spent,

how long were y'all together? About two and a half years. You spent a long time with somebody who was struggling with a lot of things. So take the, take the STI off the table. You still have relationship trust issues. Fair. Yeah. And that, I, that's kind of like where I'm at right now I've come to terms with the STI but it's just like I don't even I don't know if it's because I like the idea of having a life partner

and I don't know I view that as having a family why take offense that's success whatever it is I know family is a big part of, of what I see in life is value, but like, I don't even, sometimes I feel like I don't even want to trust people because of, because of the fact that I've been burned. Like it, it's, it's not even just, you know, female relationships, but like just friends in general. Like I just,

so I don't know how to know how to even, you know, I can be friends with somebody on a superficial level, but I don't know if my body just protects itself. Yeah, dude, because you walked into a bear den once and you got your face bitten off. And the crummy part is all the food and nourishment and life is in a bear den. So you got to go back, right? And your body's going to tell you, don't go in there.

We've been there and we got our face eaten off. And that's when you have to, A, learn some, right? Make different choices and you got to risk. You got to risk. Choosing loneliness is choosing to die young choosing loneliness is choosing to live a life of misery and if you reach out and you develop relationships and connections and you get burned again you'll have a season of grieving and you get back on the horse and you go again it's like getting food poisoning. Do you never eat again because you got rocket diarrhea for a couple of days?

No, right? At some point, you got to go back and eat again. Yeah. Is that fair? Yeah, yeah. So at some point, and by the way, don't feel bad. A part of my life is also having a picture of a family and a house and kids running around like you said that in a way that's like you know part of my thing i kind of like want to have a family dude

that's not weird it's fantastic it's awesome it's the greatest thing in the world and you're worth the risk is that fair yeah yeah i just we do it i don't yeah i just don't it? I don't Yeah Okay I just don't know I just don't know like I don't even know Here we go I'm gonna give it to you I'm gonna give it to you

Ready? At what point do I Do I You know it's like Let's say I don't know Go out on a date with somebody And it's like okay

Here's dessert Okay And here's The real Dude you don't have like A scarlet letter on you Or you're like Walking around with a cowbell

Like Uncleaned Uncleaned That's not you man And here's the real. You don't have like a scarlet letter on you or you're like walking around with a cowbell like unclean, unclean. That's not you, man. There's a bunch of conversations that happen. Not always. Not always. There are people that meet somebody and just have sex that day. That happens all the time. Doesn't sound like that's you.

So there is a gap between, hey, let's go out. I'm getting to know you. Tell me about yourself. Between that first time you go out and dessert, and by the way, I have this. You've boxed yourself into a corner of either never going out or on the first date being like, okay, before we get going, I got to let you know that it burns when I pee. There's a whole different gap there, right? Yeah. Is that fair?

Yeah. Yes. So, dude, I can tell right now you'd be fun to hang out with. I can. Because you're kind of chill and you laugh good. You'd be fun to hang out with. And there will come a point when you got to have that conversation. And your heart will be beating fast. And you'll be nervous. And the chances of you getting rejected are high.

They are. That's reality. That's the truth. And you're worth that risk. So real quick, real quick. Go first. Be vulnerable and be hospitable. What do I mean? Invite people to your house. go first, be vulnerable, and be hospitable.

What do I mean? Invite people to your house. Stop overthinking this. Have four or five people over to play some stupid game. You know what? I'm going to send you all the cards for humans. I'm just going to send them to you, okay?

You can invite people over to your house and y'all can just use them to play. Be like, I got these from some idiot on the radio. Let's play. And y'all can use those cards as something to do. You can have people over and say, everybody bring a thing, whatever. That's being hospitable. I'm going to go first. Y'all welcome at my house. And maybe only two show up,

maybe five show up, maybe 12 show up. I don't care. Invite them all over. I'm not cleaning up, by the way. I'm not going to pretend that this isn't how I live. Just come over. And I'm going to be vulnerable. I'm going to risk. I'm going to invite y'all Just come over. And I'm going to be vulnerable. I'm going to risk. I'm going to invite y'all into my place. And I'm going to go first. I'm not just going to sit here for the next seven years later and wait for somebody else to call me, wait for somebody to call me. I'm just going to go. I'm just going to go. I'm just going to go. And you may invite people over and zero show up, none. And you grieve it because it'll hurt, be a bummer. And then you go again

because really what is the other alternative? Netflix? Like another, I don't know fancy diet? Like move? What's the alternative? Other than to that hurts

I'm going to go again and I'm going, that hurts. I'm going to go again and I'm going to go again and I'm going to go again. And it's unpopular. James, thank you so much for that call. And speaking to you, I've seen everybody here. It's unpopular mental health advice. It's unpopular relationship advice. Life really hurts hard. It's hard. It's a mess. When you think you got it, something happens. And when something happens and something hard. It's hard. It's a mess. And when you think you got it, something happens. And when something happens and something else, it's hard. And you ultimately find yourself in these moments where it's like,

what are the other options? Sit or go heal and go again. Sit, go heal and go again. And I'm not saying keep running back into the same bear den. Don't go back into that one go again. Sit, go heal and go again. And I'm not saying keep running back into the same bear den. Don't go back into that one ever again because you got your face

eating off. But you got to go in another one. I'm not saying go eat, you know, seven day old pizza from a nasty place.

Don't do that again. But you got to eat. You got to go find a place to eat. People who have relationship trauma, whether it's sexual abuse, whether it's... And by the way, what you experienced is trauma. You experienced abuse. Somebody abused you.

They took advantage of you. And they forever altered your life because of their lack of character and their lack of integrity. And their desire to hurt you, which is what they did. Living in that trauma, understanding that, like, it happens, man. And then we're all faced with this one awful, scary, devastating question. What do we do now? And as for me and my friends and my community and the people that I love, and that includes you, James, I'm going to say let's get up and go again.

We may have to jog or walk first and then jog before we get up to a run, but let's get up and go again. Let's get up and go again. We may have to jog or walk first and then jog before we get up to a run, but let's get up and go again. Let's get up and go again. Let's get up and go again. You're worth it. We'll be right back. All right, let's go to Anne, Anne Peterpan, Anne in Houston, Texas. What's up, Anne? Hey, how are you?, Anne in Houston, Texas. What's up, Anne?

Hey, how are you? Just, I mean, incredible. I'm not, I'm not incredible. Things are fine. I kind of overstated that a bit. I'm trying not to speak in hyperbole too much, but I do. So I'm great. How about you?

You'll live in the dream. Oh, which is Latin for not great at all, at all. Oh, man. So what's up? So I don't know how to even ask this But I think The best way is just No whitewashing it

No trying to power wash it Just ask it As awful and weird as whatever it's going to be You're about to ask Just go for it I think I'm broken I don't really love my newest child okay um hold on hold on exhale have you said that out loud before uh yeah i said that to my husband okay am i the first person not your husband that you said that to uh no i I have friends too. Oh, so.

No, I tell everybody. I have a shirt. No, that's not true. I don't. But I do. I've got a couple of girlfriends and, you know, my husband. But yeah, it's. You're not broken.

I don't even know what you're about to say. You're not. Okay. Okay. Cool. Yeah. You may be really deranged and mean, but I'm just totally kidding. You're not broken.

Okay, so you don't love your newest kid right now. Tell me more about that. So we have three. All have been adopted. Okay. All have been adopted. And our first two, we went domestic. Their birth moms chose us. You know, we had them as infants. And this new little guy, he came to us at almost three years almost three years old. Um, and, uh, his grandparents asked

us to adopt him and, um, we've, yeah, it's, I'm doing all the things that I'm supposed to do, you know, like the, the really long hot skin to skin morning. And as soon as I pick him up from, uh, from childcare and at night and like, I just, you know, I, it's, it's like a chore. I, it's, um, playing with him at the tour and, um, what, why, why is it a chore? What is it? Is it something, is he different? Is he have attitude problems? Is he struggling? Like what have attitude problems? Does he struggle? Or is it just, no, we're not connecting? I think we're just not connecting. He's a pleasant child.

His grandparents were raising him very differently than we do. He was very addicted to screen. He didn't really have much. he struggled with speech, um, I think because he wasn't really spoken to a lot. Um, so, but, but he's a charming child. Like he's, he's a sweet kid. Um, he there's, he's, I know that with, with trauma, like he's experienced just being taken from one child, uh, you know, one parent to another. Um, I know that that's very traumatic and I kind of expected more behaviors,

but we, he, he kind of is doing really well. Sometimes, sometimes kids act really well as a trauma response. Yeah. They know that. Well, he threw a lot of tantrums at the beginning, but he's come out of that. This feeling of dislike, it often comes from something outside of our picture of the way we thought things were going to be.

So what did you think was going to be different than what actually is? Just give me two or three of them. You know, I had very little expectation about this. You know, I think I struggled with that with my first child. Cause I, I mean, I felt like the babysitter for months, you know, and, um, but, um, but I've, I, I didn't have a lot of expectations. We've always wanted to have, um, you know, something of a large family, not, you know, adoption is expensive and we're not, you know, something of a large family, not, you know, adoption is expensive

and we're not, you know, we don't want 10, but it kind of was this ideal situation where our children would be close in age and, you know, my little guy would get a little, you know, actually an older brother. So let me ask you this. I've had several pictures in my life about how I wanted things to work out. Yeah.

And then as I've gotten really close to that picture, it's changed. And that change, I don't want that anymore. Or I get it and I wish I didn't have it, whatever it happens to be. Oh, yeah. whatever it happens to be. And it's incredibly disorienting because I've spent however many years working towards, saving towards, trying to achieve towards, and suddenly I get it

and it's not what I thought. But here I am. And you can, you will. Let me just say this this way. You will. Because I can tell by the things you're trying, right? You are leaning into this discomfort. I have no question in my mind that you'll develop an extraordinary relationship with this kid. The bigger concern I have is you're going to begin to regret your life. And I want you to make peace with that.

Is it that we should have stopped at two? I've heard that from people with three and four kids. Our life, like if we had to do it over, I love little Timmy and little Susie, but we would have stopped at two. Financially, right? Or fill in the blank any number of things, right? You can go back and play that what if game

and the variable game all day long. But what I want you to do is to land in the middle of your life that you're living right now. Has this young man, this little boy, has he altered your marriage? Has he altered your free time, your financial life? Tell me where there's been a disruption in things. Well, I mean... And if there's not, that's not, that's great.

It's more with my other, my other son, you know, like I've always been super termed by my children and I, I'm just playing like referee all the time with, and it's just, it's not fun to be around my kids. There you go. There you go. You see what I'm saying? The actual problem is with the life, not with the kids. Yeah. Um, often in my marriage, when I've gotten really frustrated, I don't think I like my wife anymore. What I really don't like is I still love her, but I don't like her. And she'll tell you, there's seasons when she just doesn't like me. She still loves me.

But it's almost always the life we've created for ourselves that we're living in is leading to me to, does that make sense? Hear what I'm saying? So. Yeah. Some of the hard realities that happen. My friend says there's a huge shift. I only have two kids, so I'm speaking over my skis here, but there's a shift that happens that nobody tells you about when you go from man to man to zone. There's a difference when you have two kids and suddenly

you go to three. And I've also heard that once you get four, five and six and 11, nobody cares, right? Everything's fine. Once you make that other shift into that new gear, but there's something disorienting and transformational about going from two to three. It's hard. Everything just gets harder. The getting kids in and out of car seats just to go to the freaking store, right? Or just need to go to the bathroom without another human staring at me. All these things. Nate, you've got four. Am I right? Is it? Yes. Okay. So Nate is in there running the YouTube cameras. He's just, I see him nodding in there over and over that there's a shift. James has 117 kids out on the Prairie. And was it similar? Like going from two to three and

two to four? Yeah, it was a huge change going from two to three. That was a big leap between the two. So here's what I want you to look at, Ann. And this could be a really fun thing. How's your husband, by the way? He is... He feels a lot of anger towards the grandparents. So...

Are they his grandparents? No. Are they your grandparents? No, we're not related. Okay, okay. Yeah. Why does he have anger towards his grandparents? No. Are they your grandparents? No, we're not related. Okay, okay. Yeah. Why does he have anger towards the grandparents? Just, they keep telling us things like a little at a time, like his mother is bipolar and, oh, she was also taking this drug when she was pregnant and like, they wanted us to take him because they, they couldn't anymore. Um, I think, like I said, he, I think they did the best they could.

I, but they were very lazy and, um, he just had a screen in front of him all the time. And we kind of see the behavior that came from that, especially at the beginning. So let me tell you this. Yeah. And I'd love to talk to him someday, your husband. This new baby, this new little boy you brought home is not broken. Yeah, I know.

Okay. He's not like you bought a used car and suddenly the dealer calls you once a week. It's like, oh, by the way, the fan belt doesn't work. Right? So listen, any, any one ounce of energy spent hating grandparents, being pissed off at grandparents is a total utter waste of your time and life. Yeah. They're done. I would remove them from our life. Oh, we can't do that though. We're open adoption. Okay. I would marginalize as much as humanly possible. Yeah. We started doing that. We first invited them to our house and we saw how he reacted and it just, so he's been meeting. That's right.

So, no. But you know that adoption professionals tell you, like, the more that they have contact with biological family, the better. I know, I know. But hold on, not in abusive situations. Yeah, but he wasn't abused. He was just like not, they were just lazy, you know? That's abuse. Yeah. Okay you know? That's abuse. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. That's abuse. And I'll go to the mat with anybody who wants to tell me otherwise. If you take a child and you take human contact away from them and you hand them a screen, that's abuse. Yeah. Full stop. If mother's an addict and he doesn't get the prenatal care that he needs and he doesn't especially get the post, like post birth, hey, we're dealing with this. He's going to need some very direct care because he was born an addict.

It's abuse. You got it, right? So all that to say is this, they don't have just a willy-nilly right. Because you know what? He's three, his body knows that with Ann and his new dad, he's able to drop his shoulders

for the first time ever. He's able to engage and look at somebody. And what you're going to have to do, and this is a common thing, and I'm not putting you in this bucket. This is for everybody. There's this idea that I'm doing a good thing when I adopt or when I foster. I'm doing something good for humanity. And because I'm doing that, the cosmos is going to make this okay. It's going to make this easier.

You know what I mean? And so I want to give you like the reality check that y'all already live, which is y'all chose to adopt a three-year-old little boy who's had lived in hell. And so it's going to be a chore. It's going to be tough walking alongside this little boy and teaching his brain what safety looks like

and teaching him what connection looks like and teaching him his life outside of a screen. All of those things are going to be a chore. It sounds like your husband is similar to you that now his life is super different and it's easy to just find somebody to point rage at. And I just want to tell you, don't do that.

It's a waste of your life. Just don't. Okay. Here's the thing that I think, going all the way back to And I just want to tell you, don't do that. It's a waste of your life. Just don't. Okay? Here's the thing that I think, going all the way back to what I was about to say. A beautiful moment would be you and your husband get a babysitter and y'all go spend a half day together. You don't talk about the kids as much as you talk about, okay, we got three now. What do we want our life to look like? What do we want this thing to look like?

What do you need? What do I need? What do we need to be okay so that we can go back in and do this hard thing that we're doing? And this should be a moment of dreaming, not a moment of ranting and raving. There may be some seasons of grief, like I wish we hadn't have. That's okay to think that. You're not broken. It's okay to be really frustrated at your stage of life right now. It's okay to really miss your husband before he got angry and to really miss, man, with just two little, two newborns, y'all could just have sex whenever. You could go on

dates. Y'all could do whatever. And now you got a three-year-old on top of everything. And I just need to go to the bat, right? All that. It's okay to grieve that. We had this and now we've got this. What you can't do is let all of that external stuff roll off on this little boy that now calls you a mom. Yeah. And he's not broken. He's got some challenges. No question about it. It'll be hard.

And y'all have an open adoption, which I think is great in almost every situation when there's not abuse. And maybe grandma and granddad can come around at some point. but y'all get to set the boundaries with mom and dad. The same way I set boundaries with my parents and my in-laws, you get to set those with grandparents and other parents. This is how we do this. Our kid doesn't ever look at screens ever, period, full stop. He's not allowed to look at them. So if you're going to be around our child, that's just the way that's going to work. Our child doesn't eat these foods. our child goes to bed at 7 30 and not midnight or whatever you know what i mean whatever the thing is um and i am going to marginalize those grandparents as much as is is ethically okay right as much as it's okay not to punish them but to help heal this little boy

yeah does that make sense them, but to help heal this little boy. Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah. That's what feels right on one hand, but also, you know. You're a mother, you know. Yeah. You know. Yeah.

You're not a babysitter. You're a mom. Yeah. Yeah. And they do love him. I know. They. You know. Yeah. You're not a babysitter. You're a mom. Yeah. Yeah. And they do love him. You know. I know. They did love him.

Hey, hey, hey, Ann. Yeah. You don't have to protect them. They did the best they could. I'm glad they did. I'm glad somebody in that little boy's life stepped in and kept him fed and sheltered. I'm so grateful for that. And they kept him safe.

Good for them. I'm glad they did. I wish they had different tools and they didn't have them. So great. Yeah. Okay. Now you guys got next level. You got 2.0 little boy.

Now we're going to teach him how to live a whole and healthy and well life. But a whole and healthy well life for your kids starts with you being whole and healthy and well and your husband being whole and healthy and well and your marriage being whole and healthy and well and that all starts with us going out and getting away from the madness getting to a different location and looking at each other and going so we did a thing now there's three and everything leveled up as nate was saying earlier like anyone I know who goes from two to three, like everything just changed. It's not we added 33% more busy.

We added 100% more busy. And so now we've got to adjust. We might need to get a babysitter that comes and stays with us during the day. We might need to get grandma and grandpa, I mean parents to come, whatever the thing is, what do we need? And then how are we going to reverse it? Should I make that happen? Keep doing the things, the one-on-one time, the face, the touching on the face, touching on the feet, the hugs, the handholds, the going for walks, keep doing those things, playing in water, playing in sand, tactile things. Keep doing those

things with this little boy. It's going to be a tough road to hoe, no question about it. Keep going. So, so grateful people like you are in our communities. You are what make things better. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com.

All right, as we wrap up today's show, man, one, oh, I just knocked my notes off. One of my favorite shows, songs from my childhood fits one or two of the calls today from the great, the great Jen Blossoms. And the song is Hey Jealousy. And it goes like this. Well, tell me do you think it'd be all right if I could just crash here tonight? You can see I'm in no shape for driving anyway. I've got no place to go. And you know, it might not be that bad. You are the best I've ever had. And if I hadn't blown the

whole thing years ago, I might not be alone bad. You are the best I've ever had. And if I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago, I might not be alone. Tomorrow, we could drive around this town and let the cops chase us around and the past is gone, but something might be found to take its place. Hey, jealousy. And you can trust me not to think

and not to sleep around. And if you don't expect too much from me, you might not be let down. Oh, this is a guy I want around my daughter. Because all I really want is to be with you, feeling like I matter too. If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago, I might be here with you. Something to take its place. Hey, jealousy.

We'll see you soon. Coming up on the next episode. My husband and I have identical twin girls. We decided to split them up into separate classrooms in kindergarten. My one daughter has taken off and is thriving. My other has said zero words. And not the teachers or other students. We've read all the books.

We've tried all the things that we can think of. And we're out of tools. And I thought I would bring this to you. We've talked to the professionals. We're going to the podcast. How do you have difficult conversations With someone you don't necessarily have a lot of buy-in with And they don't see a problem

Talking about one of my co-workers Myself, my boss, and another co-worker We suspect that they're a hoarder This is a great question For millions of people My answer to you is Don't