The Dr. John Delony Show - I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else

Episode Date: December 2, 2024

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Yo, yo, yo, Cyber Monday deals are here and fan favorite questions for humans. Conversation cards are on sale for just 12 bucks. Go to ramsysolutions.com slash store and grab yours right now. I am trying to stay faithful to my husband. Whoa. Okay. It's just, all right, we'll go there. I'm attracted to another man. He is very different from my husband

and my husband is great and this guy seems great. Their jobs are very different. Yeah. Yo, what's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Delaney Show. Why are we yelling? There's no reason to yell. There's no reason to yell.

I am just having a regular old great day and it's not even a yelly kind of day. I hope you are doing well wherever this show finds you. What's the date here? It's early December, so you've survived Thanksgiving. I'm assuming we have a president now. May the force be with us. I'm assuming we have a president right now and we are heading into the Christmas holidays. I wish you all peace and a season of chaos. I wish you all.

I'm glad you're here. We're talking about relationships, talking about emotional and psychological health. We're talking about everything. If you want to be on the show give me a buzz 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask ASK. Let's roll out to the Utes, Salt Lake City and talk to not so plain Jane. What's up Jane? Hi Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call. Of course. How are you love? You doing all right? Hey, doing okay., I need your advice. I got you.

All right, what you got? Okay, I am trying to stay faithful to my husband. Whoa. Okay, it's just all right. And we'll go there. I'm attracted to another man. Okay, tell me about it. Which part?

Um, well, those, those Well, those those are Those are often mutually exclusive and you're you're um, you're combining them. So tell me about this person you're attracted to Okay, um, so he I haven't crossed the line for Like physical contact However, i'm doing everything I can to not make like an excuse to bump into him, you know, have alone time with him. So he is very different from my husband.

And my husband is great. And this guy seems great. So maybe they're not that different. But physically, they're very different. Their jobs're very different their jobs are very different and I am attracted to this guy. What is it about this other guy that makes you feel a little more alive than you do in your own house? I don't feel boring like Plain Jane. It's just almost like a fantasy life in my head of what would it be like to have a life with him versus the life I've created. You just nailed it sister, you nailed it. Yeah, but I still need your advice.

Okay, but you just took full ownership in a way. And usually, I don't know if you've done some work or if you've just been stressing on this. Stressing. The hardest part in this kind of situation when somebody's standing at the precipice of making a life altering decision that's gonna blow their life up.

Yes. Is taking ownership of the life you have co-created with somebody else. Yes. Because that's the thing that you can change. Today, you can walk by this guy's desk or his office and drop a hotel key card. Exactly. You can do that. And if he chooses to, you know, let's go all the way through it. Would he meet you there? Yes. Okay.

You can do that. And I have talked to my husband about this also. Hold on. We're not there yet. You're trying to get out of the situation. Stay in it with me. I am. You can do that.

And every part of your life, work, home, do you have kids? Yes. Kids, every part of your life explodes. Yes. And yet this guy makes your heartbeat a little faster, he laughs at your jokes, you like the way he moves. He's very cute. He's a handsome guy, He's a good looking guy.

He's handsome, yeah. And so here's the thing. We were just all talking about this earlier. There's this idea that if you get married and you love somebody and your marriage is great, you will never find somebody else attractive. That's insane. It's nonsense.

You're always- I think I was hoping for that. No, yeah, there's just this thing. It's a fantasy. There's gonna be beautiful people in the world. There's gonna be beautiful people in the world. There's gonna be handsome people in the world, men and women. That's a part of life. And so if somebody beautiful comes into a room,

the whole room will get lit up and you trying to pretend it's not is dishonest. It's insane. And an incredibly handsome, powerful, strong, or small and shrewd or brilliant or brave, whatever adjective you're going to see in somebody, they're going to come into a room or be a partner of yours on a work project or whatever. And that's going to happen.

And you're going to think to yourself, this person is attractive, either intellectually or physically or both. They're hilarious. All of that is normal. You're going to think to yourself, this person is attractive, either intellectually or physically or both. They're hilarious. All of that is normal. You're not crazy. Thank you for saying that. It's the next moment when you begin to meditate and imagine a different world. And that's flow through you.

It's getting caught. And that usually means like, so one of the things that surprised me years ago when I first read this was that most affairs, not most, but many affairs happen in what would be characterized as good marriages. Right. Exactly. Because it's not about, we're not having our sex life isn't fine. It's not about finances aren't fine It's not about we're good co-parents. It's about somebody else makes me feel alive Yeah

Or more likely I am choosing to feel alive in the fantasy that is this other person Instead of the harder work, which is choosing how I can be alive in my own skin, in my own house with my partner that I said till death do us part with. Yes. And so for me, I think this is a pretty magical opportunity for you. An alarm bell should be ringing at every stage. It is.

That's why I'm calling and being vulnerable. Awesome. And I'm grateful for you an alarm bell should be ringing at every stage. It is, that's why I'm calling and being vulnerable. Awesome, and I'm grateful for you. I'm grateful for it. Cause you are millions and millions of people right this very second listening to this show. So I'm grateful for it. When you told your husband, what did you tell him? I said, hey, there's a guy in town that thinks I'm cute and fun.

And my husband said, yeah, I bet. And I think, hold on, you, you, you phrase that to him very specifically. Yeah, I did. I didn't say there's a guy in town I'm very physically attracted to. I said there's a guy in town that finds me fun and attractive. Were you asking your husband,

do you still find me fun and attractive? No, I think I was asking my husband, like, how do I trust myself not to enter into an affair in a very roundabout way? So I Want to call bullcrap on this? How do I trust myself stuff? I Think that's what I'm worried about the most like honestly dropping a hotel card at this guy and just Having a fling. That's where I'm working. I know, but that's not a matter of,

how do I not trust myself? That's a matter of not doing something stupid. Okay. Right, so it's like, I don't know how I can trust myself. It's as though we, our spirits are to the wind. And how do I know it's not gonna blow east instead of west? Cause I'm just not gonna go get a hotel room, right?

Because this isn't like- It takes a lot of energy to do that. To not do it? Yes. It does, but it takes an insane amount of energy that can be used elsewhere, living in fantasy land. Okay, that's fair. That's fair.

Cause let's say it was the most horrid wild imaginative life-giving sex of your life this night in this hotel room, which a thousand percent it won't be. You know this. I know that. What happens tomorrow? I'm a terrible liar, so it would probably implode. My life would be. Okay.

So that's where I want you to go right now. What about your... Forget this cat for a second. Move him over. Okay. Do you have kids that live at home with you? Yes. Okay.

How long have you been married to your current husband? 14 years. Okay. What about this world right now do you want to blow up to smithereens? Because this other guy is just he's a he's a He's a rent-a-grenade You're right. He's just a rent-a-grenade. He's a grenade that walks through and you grab it and decide to pull that pin But you but the real thing is you want to blow your life up. What is it about your life? You want to blow up?

Okay But the real thing is you want to blow your life up. What is it about your life you want to blow up? Okay, we have a successful business that we've built from nothing. And it's so much work. And this is a lonelier time of year, sorry I cried. It's okay. Because we don't see each other very much during the winter. My husband works incredibly hard,

but he works very long hours because this is the time of year we make our money. And it's kind of a ride the wave. And then we get to January and February and it slows down and he can come home for dinner and we can talk about anything besides work. So is this your way of blowing the world up and getting your husband home again? Because part of me, the guy inside of me is like thinking, how dare you the moment your husband gets a shield on

and his sword out to go to war for the family. Yeah. It's like, well, that's when I'm gonna go bang the neighbor. Like, yeah, but I also get, this is year 20, this is your 15, this is your 10, and I'm sick to death of this business being more important than how much we love each other. I'm sick of being co-managers of a business

and co-managers of a house and co-parents. I want intimacy and love and connection with a guy more than I want all this other crap. Yeah. And I do love my husband. I know you do, but you're dead in your own skin. Yeah. And I do love my husband. I know you do, but you're dead in your own skin. Yeah. And the thought of your heart rate

getting up to 125 beats a minute again, or 160 beats a minute again, over one hotel tryst is worth setting the whole thing on fire. And I get it, I get it, I promise you I get it. The day after that day is gonna come, the sun's gonna come up. And I'd much rather you sit down with your husband and say, I wanna take this season off.

Or I wanna hire somebody or two people. And it may be too late because the ship has already sailed but maybe you say, I'm going to work with you till midnight every day because I want to be with you and I'm making stuff up right now, right? So it may not be practical. But that's what we're doing. And this time next year, this time next year, we're hiring this out. Or maybe, hey, what is intimacy and feeling wild? What does that look like in this season? I'm gonna send you the most bananas,

dirty texts throughout the day, and I'm gonna show up at random times at your office. Like I'm gonna create life inside my own skin. Right. And you and I are gonna co-create this. Yeah. But listen, it is so easy. It's so easy to look around and blow somebody else's building up.

That's this whole cancellation culture now. It's so much easier to take somebody down than to actually do the work over a long period of time to build something awesome. Yeah, you're right. And dude, don't beat yourself up because you met a guy who was mesmerizing and handsome and cute and made you feel alive again. Let that be a signal to A, don't respond to any more text or sit. Oh yeah, I don't have his number. Good.

Because I've tried to make some boundaries. Good. I'd like to give him my number. I know you would. I would like that. Let me say it this way. I think you like the idea of that. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know that you like the reality of that.

Yeah, I'll have to think about that. That's a good point. Do you like the idea of his hands on your skin or do you want those hands? I think I like the idea and I think he looks like a great kisser. You know what? He probably is. Yeah. He might be a better kisser than your husband.

Is that trade worth your life? No. No. And so, can I tell you something vulnerable and scary and ultimately real fun? Sure. Tell your husband that you wish he was a better kisser and you want to start practicing. And he's had a weird breath thing or done something weird with his tongue or avoided it or not shaved or whatever your thing is for your whole time together.

Tell him. Okay. Right? Yes. And tell him you want to take you on a date, but you actually want to meet there and pretend you just met. You get to insert chaos and fun and novelty inside this thing that you all created together. Okay.

And I think that is infinitely more titillating, infinitely more fun, infinitely more erotic and exciting. Sitting down across the table and saying, okay, what we had is over. I want to build the most erotic, crazy, and he's just going to look at you kind of overweight, tired, with glasses, like what? No, that's me. He's very in shape and very handsome also.

Okay, when you just described. Okay, but listen you want to get sideways here? Yeah, what is it about you inside your own marriage that you don't like anymore? I don't like being tired and all of the daily, you know, the kid is sick and the school is calling and there's work and I don't like the daily. I'm kind of tired of that. Okay. That is the conversation to have.

Yeah. Because this other guy's an escape from reality. He is. And reality will come crashing down upon you. You'll just have to do it with half of your assets and you think picking up every day is hard now when you're splitting time with your kids it will get more complex. But for the temptation just... I just don't buy it. I get the feeling is good temptation is you will set up a series of actions to make this thing inevitable

Yeah, which means you can set up a series of actions that makes it not possible Okay, and I think you like I think you know that that's why you haven't given him your number right And I think it's the next step which is saying I like being in his presence and again I want everyone to hear me say you will be in the presence of attractive fun hilarious, whatever people That's just life. Enjoy being in the presence of beautiful people of silly people of flirtation Like enjoy that until you know, I can't do that. I can't be here Right, because I'll make a thing that's where I've I've hit that spot. Okay

Right. Because I'll make up... And I think that's where I've hit that spot. Okay. So the only person that can change this is you. And you can say, I'm not going to be in business with this person. I'm not going to do work with this person. I'm going to intentionally avoid seeing this person. And I think more courageously, it's letting him know, hey dude, I've been flirty and it's

felt fun. I am a married woman and I love my husband and I'm in the process of creating a wild new world for us. By the way, I don't want to be with a man who would blow up a marriage on the other side either. That's true. And if you want to be honest and lay it all out with your husband, I think that's right to say, Hey, like I, I found myself with feelings for somebody else and this is a me issue and

I want to bring all of me back here. And there's just some conversations I haven't had with myself, with us, with how we do life, with this world we've made. Will you build something amazing and new with me? What would your husband say? Would he be like, oh yeah? Like, is he going to be mad? Will he be relieved?

What would he say? He would be fine. Normal conversation. He would be, well, I know he would be like, okay, well, what's that mean? Like what? You know, and so he would put it on me because I'm the one trying to figure it out. And so if I said, I'd love to have a conversation we'd never have before or haven't had before, he'd be like, okay, like what? Like we go on a walk and talk about, you know, tree leaves or something.

Like I don't know how he would Change You because you have to reach a point in your marriage. Will you stop expecting him to read your mind? Yeah, it's it we do joke about that. I don't have that superpower Nobody does and Hollywood said that's the way it's supposed to be I Had this big marriage retreat this weekend It was packed as people from all over the country and there's a guy stood up and he goes, I just don't buy it.

I think there has to be some sort of, I mean, if you plan romance, it's not romantic. And I was like, dude, Hollywood lied to you, brother. You're wrong. But I think looking your husband in the eye and saying, I'm feeling low in this marriage. Yes, we have sex. Yes, you're're in great shape, yes we make good money, yes we both work really hard.

Yes. I want desire and eroticism. What does that mean? And you need to be prepared to say I want us to start kissing again. Mm-hmm. I used to be into this particular thing in the bedroom. I'm not. I want to try these three things. Okay. I miss you texting. I miss us going out to dinner and forget the whatever and... This is when we get into this language about I need, I need, I need. I want you and your husband to sit down for the first time and say what you want. And give each other a roadmap to each other's hearts and to each other's bodies and to each

other's minds. Yeah. Is that fair? That is. I don't think you're a bad person. I think you're standing on a precipice. I don't think it's about this other guy Okay, I think he just happened to walk in the door at a time when you looked in the mirror and you didn't like the

life you had co-created It's just a busy life Do I love yeah, it's just a busy life. It is a good life. It's just it's just I'm I feel behind every single day. It's like when I wake up, like, oh my gosh, here we go. Okay. I want you to remember this one powerful statement. Okay, I'm ready.

You choose what happens next. Yes. And that means you choose to say, honey, every time I open my eyes. I'm already behind I Want to hire somebody that can help clean the house we both work really hard Yeah, I want to hire somebody two days a week They can pick our kids up from school or I know you're working hard and you work out all the time I need you to take two days of your workout off to take the kids to school Yeah, I need some help with this or I want help with this two days of your workout off to take the kids to school. Yeah.

I need some help with this. Or I want help with this. I want to be sexy and I want you to not be able to breathe when I'm not in the room again. And so I want to have some time. I'm gonna go take a dance class. I'm gonna go take, I'm gonna go, whatever you wanna do or need to do.

You get what I'm saying? Yeah, I hear you. You choose what happens next I'm gonna help you out. It's completely sold out like crazy, but they're they're you they're available from order There's not the story in the building anymore. I'm gonna send you a copy of Questions for humans the intimacy deck and I'm gonna send you the couples deck one two and three four of them. I'm gonna send deck. Okay. And I'm going to send you the couples deck, one, two, and three. Four of them I'm going to send you, okay?

Thank you. Thank you. Here's what I want you to do with it though. You and I, husband, are going to go out to breakfast once a week and we're going to use five of these cards. We're going to re-get to know each other. Okay. Cool?

Yeah. I love that. And you're going to be honest about how you felt and how you almost blew everything or not you almost blew everything up because you didn't. No. How you wanted, how the thought was appealing to blow everything up. Yes. Some guy you imagine would be a good kisser and by the way he probably wasn't he's one of those probably eat your face kind of people it's just gross like dumb and dumb he's probably not good at all.

That's amazing. Okay. He probably is. And I bet his farts are bad. I mean, you don't know, right? You don't know. I know. He probably wears whitey tighties. Gross. Oh my gosh. You don't. All that is stories you made up. You don't know. I don't know. What you do know is that you love your husband and you do know that you are exhausted. You're dust inside of your own skin. And so together you all have co-created this world and together you all can co-create something else. And by the way, you are breaking a pattern inside your house.

And so that pattern, that breaking that pattern is gonna cause loss. It's gonna cause distraction. It's gonna cause frustration. It's gonna cause frustration and There's a strong possibility your husband thinks he's been working really hard for 14 years for you Of course for his ego, but for you and so to find out oh my gosh, I miss the line that hurts painful It's weird. It's worth all those conversations It's worth all

All those conversations. It's worth all of it. This is day one for you, Jane. Day one. I can't wait to see what you two build next. Hang on the line. We'll get you hooked up. We'll be right back. Hey, everybody who is struggling to sleep, stop what you're doing.

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What up, Bailey? Hi, Dr. John. What's up? Thank you for taking the time to listen to A Stranger. No, I love it. Thank you for your time for calling a YouTuber. So my question is, am I being unreasonable for asking to spend the holidays with my family this year?

But I think the deeper question I'm wrestling with is how do I know if I'm dealing with the problem or if I am the problem? What would Taylor Swift say, Bailey? Oh no, I'm not a Swifty. Oh no. Hey, hang on the line when this show's over. Whatever you want of the products I have, you can have them for free. I'm just going to mail them to you.

That's the best answer I've ever heard. I myself, I am a Swifty and I am proud of you for taking a stand, cultural. All right, so tell me about going to visit with your family. Who's telling you you can't go? So my guy, I- Oh, gross. Is he your husband or just some dude? My boyfriend.

We lived together, but we're not married or engaged yet. How long? Tomorrow will be a year. Okay. I also mentioned to him that I'd be talking to you today. So he's just asked that I try to give the full context. I bet he did. I bet he did.

All right, cool. And I'll try to be as objective as I can until you ask me about my thoughts about it. So boyfriend and I have been dating for a little about a year now. Like I said before, we're not married or engaged. We want to be, a different conversation. I was going to say, yeah, maybe one of you does, but the other one doesn't. Okay, go ahead. We come from very different backgrounds. And what I mean about that is he comes from a family where marriage is stable. His parents and grandparents have all stayed married for decades till death do they part. On the other hand, I come from a divorced family.

My mom's been married five times and I've been engaged twice. And so I've spent a lot of my twenties traveling and soul searching and nomading around. So before we met, my boyfriend spent over a decade working a job where he traveled about 90% of the time and he worked really hard with the goal for early retirement. And so right before we met, he decided he's done traveling.

He wants to settle down and enjoy the home that he's worked really hard for and be close to his family in Florida where he's from. And after we met, he got the news that he didn't have to travel anymore. So we dated for a few more months and then it was like, do we break up? Do we do long distance or do we just see if it works, do a little trial run. So now we're living together in Florida and it's been about six months since I've been here. So with the holiday issue last Christmas, I visited him in Florida and spent the whole

month of December with him and his family. Uh, we live really close to them and I thought we'd alternate holidays between our families in the future. But now that it's time to make holiday plans, he told me that he doesn't want to travel during the holidays anymore. And he now runs his own business so he could work around it. But it feels like he prioritizes his time and his preferences without much consideration for mine.

And when we went to visit my family earlier this year for the first time, he gave me about four days of his schedule and now he says, we just saw my family. And so it feels like I'm being gaslighted into thinking I'm selfish for one Christmas with my family this year. So I guess I'm really struggling with whether I'm being reasonable for asking to spend this holiday with my family or if I'm being made to feel like my needs don't matter. I don't hear that at all, actually. Like I think your needs are your needs

and I think even deeper than needs, I think your wants are your wants. And his are his. And it sounds like you made some deals with him and the universe without talking about them out loud. And so it sounds like you cast him in a movie he didn't even know he was in

and now you're pissed at him because he doesn't know the lines. Like you spent a month with his family and in your head you were like, all right, cool, we're going to alternate every year. You just forgot to tell him, right? Yeah. Yeah. And so now it's come up and he's like, no, no, no, no, no, I don't travel during

the holidays. I work really hard and I spend time with my family because we're all super close. And my guess is that's probably deep down why you love him. And also And my guess is that's probably deep down why you love him and also you are trying to figure that out for yourself. Is that the world in life that you want? And so statistically speaking, the quote unquote try it out, we're just going to live together for six months a year and see if we're going to work out.

It's not a good predictor. In fact, it's an inverse predictor of marital success. I completely agree with you. Um, and I guess that was one of the wants that I was like, let's not wait to have this conversation on our first date. I told him, I want to get married. I want to have kids. These are my goals.

I come from this messy family, but This is still something that is my biggest need and he agreed but I Turns out he feels like the government shouldn't be involved in marriage Okay, it's like he says so but here's what it is. It's not gaslighting. It's not any of these things. It's two people who are dating and they're putting their values and principles on the table to see if A, they align in any way, and B, if they may not be as strongly held

as we once thought and we're willing to compromise because we're together, two individual people are building something new together. And it sounds like what you are finding out in real time that you are ready to exhale, you've been running around for a long time, you're ready to exhale, and it's not going to be with this guy. Because one of your core values is I want to get married. One of his core values is I want the government out of my life.

And one of your core values is, is I want to be around my family during the holidays. One of his core values is I don't travel on the holidays, period. One of his core values sounds like we talk about things as they come up. One of your survival techniques that you've used your entire life is keeping things really close to your chest

and here we are six months a year later and he probably was pretty nervous to go see your family and he did for four days but it was never a hey I want you to come meet my family and then we're gonna go see them again at Christmas. You just didn't say anything." And now he's like, we just went there. And so a friend of mine, she's a writer here where I work at the network and she said, I love this, unspoken expectations are premeditated resentment. You're expecting him to know these things about you or expecting things to quote-unquote be fair and the fair is in your mind and in your heart And it's just running up against some of his non-negotiables

That's what it sounds like right? I don't think that's gaslighting. I think that's dishonesty unless he said dude We are you and me are getting married in a courthouse at a church. We're doing this. And then he, y'all moved in. He's like, yeah, right. I'm not doing that. If he did that, then he's a liar and you need to run.

Or if he said, yeah, you spend the year with, with the, I mean, the holidays with my family next year, we're going to do it with your family. We're going to alternate every year. And then it came up and he's like yeah sucker I'm not doing that it doesn't sound like what happened is that fair I think it's fair I also have a really bad memory so I think the gas fighting thing came from where because we didn't go home for New Year's or Christmas we were planning on doing New Year's, but things were complicated with this work, so we did.

And so he said, we'll go back next year. And so now it's that. And it was him telling me, I'm going to marry you. And now it's like, I want the government out. So, okay. So maybe he, he wants to want some things, but he's not going to budge on them. Yeah. Here's where this is really hard for someone in your position.

We won't go into the details here, but you've seen a lot, haven't you? I think so. I also work with people in addiction, so I feel like my life isn't as bad, but. I don't want to do any comparative trauma right now. I'm gonna just ask you, you've seen a lot, haven't you? Yeah. You experienced a lot, haven't you? I have. You have.

Did mom have a lot of boyfriends in and out of the house growing up? She did. They divorced when I was nine. She was, I was from her first marriage. Okay. But she, you know, like I came from a very faith based family where it was, you know, they, she got married a lot because she didn't live

with her boyfriend before she was with them. She, they, you know, they would date for a few months and then they'd get married. Yeah, but what that tells me is when you were nine and 11 and 12 and 15, you were always on the margins inside your own house. Cause your mom was too busy starting, jumping into or ending a marriage to deal with a young

daughter. Fair? Yeah. Okay, so here's why I'm going through that real quick. The dream, the fantasy of a stable relationship Is is got to be one of the most powerful things you can imagine right now, right? You can probably feel it in your chest how bad you want that fair Yeah Don't be sorry

Here's the two things number one I don't want you to use this relationship as a way to try to heal the way your mom treated you growing up It's not gonna ever work out or to put it more blunt bluntly. Your mom is not gonna call you and say you did a great job That call won't ever come Okay, okay, and I know that you want that call more than anything in the world. It's not going to come. Am I right? Yeah, I'm right.

I mean, you're right. She might show you in other ways that she loves you and she cares about you as best as she can, but your mom has been through hell. You know it, I know it. And that means that those that she loved and those that she was in charge of taking care of have been through hell too. Here's the second thing. In your pursuit of a stable, steady nervous system, that dream of peace, I don't want you to cash in on the things that are really valuable and important to

you. Yeah, my... Sorry. No, I'm not trying to say sorry. So my dad... You don't owe me any sorry, okay? Thank you. My dad and my stepmom came out to Florida to visit a few months back and because they

really wanted, they knew how important this relationship was to me. And so when we can go out to Utah, they came out here. And my dad was just, yes, this is the guy for you. He was so like, I didn't get my mom's approval but my dad who I am so close to and I really value his opinion. He really thought I picked a good person and so whenever I whenever I have different issues like this come up he he he understands where boyfriend is coming from and

He also mentioned to me when we were driving him back to the airport was that he just believes that I'm going to lose myself There you go so can I can I tell you the greatest gift you can give yourself and this boy that you're with and your future self? In fact, both of your future selves. For the first time in your life, I want you to tell him that you want to feel safe saying all the things that you want and that you're willing to risk him looking at you and saying, I'm not gonna give you those things.

But you have been cashing out parts of yourself or squashing parts of yourself your whole life. Cause there's a nine-year-old little girl in there going, mom, what about me? Mom, what about me? And she's like, shut up, I'm trying to get married. Or shut up, I'm going through a divorce. And there's a nine-year-old going, what what about me and so you've learned that when you feel something in

your chest like hey I want to go see my family too you've learned shh they might leave don't say that or hey it might be cheesy and silly but I want to go to a church and get married I want to I want to I want a marriage certificate. By the way, the whole, I don't want the government, that's stupid. It's bad business. It's not good business practice. Okay? But I get like the, like I get the bro, I get it, whatever. But it's just bad business. Having a marriage certificate, having the certificate is a contract. So if this thing goes sideways, you have some coverage here. like and especially in Florida, by the way, but we'll forget that Like being able to say here's what I want. Are you all in and by the way, it's not just these two things

This is coming up in other issues too fair Right, right These two kind of going to see family and something like I don don't want the government in my, there's other issues always. It's never just those two. And so I wanna piggyback on what your dad said. This guy is probably a great guy. That doesn't mean he's great for you. He might be, but those two things can be mutually exclusive.

They don't have to be the same thing. So I have a question for you. When I have that chat with him, what kind of responses are something that I can work with versus something I should run from? You have to decide that. Some flags for me would be if he calls you stupid, if he says, I am never, we're not ever having this conversation again, if he makes you feel small or little. Those are some red flags.

If he doesn't hold your vulnerability gently, even if he disagrees with what you're saying or what you want, it's the care with which he holds your vulnerability. Just because you don't get quote-unquote everything you want out of this conversation, and by the way it's not a little chat, this is one of the big ones. Okay, this is like the my college students used to call it the DTR. This is one of the big ones. This is like the, my college students used to call it the DTR. This is the define the relationship here. Just because 100% of what you put on the table, he's like, I can do this and I can do this,

but I can't ever do this one. Okay, fair. And he might tell you, he might get the courage to tell you, hey, when I'm around your mom, it makes me feel very uncomfortable. Being with husband number five in that chaos makes me uncomfortable. You being in that chaos makes me feel uncomfortable. You still begging for your mom's approval makes me, breaks my heart. I don't want to be around that mess.

Maybe he'll have the courage to tell you. Or maybe it's none of that. Maybe it's just work. And you're married to a guy that's busy during the holidays. But it sounds like there's some unspoken things that need to be had. The biggest thing I'd look at is how he treats you in that conversation and whether he makes you feel small or belittled because you have your own wants and needs.

Yes. You know, I think the thing that prompted me to call you was the way that he did handle it when, um, when I brought up wanting to go back home for the holidays with him, because, because that person was just like, yeah, if you want to go home, go home. But you know, my whole thing was I want to go home with you. Um, and maybe he doesn't mind going home with you, but he can't this year. Yeah, that's, that's one thing.

And he, he brings that up. Um, and shortly after he was just like, let's look at the schedule. Maybe we don't go on the week of Christmas, but we go before or after. That's what I'm doing this year? Yeah. That's exactly what I'm doing this year. And I've been to Texas twice this month and I'm going again next month, but we're going after Christmas.

Yeah, which that's something I don't, I don't mind. Um, I, I just want to be with, I want to be with him. And I think the thing that scares me is that, you know, he does tell me things that he wants and I'm not sure if it's something that he wants me to hear or something that he really means that things just change and circumstances change. Everything is going to be change. Yeah. And what I want doesn't always come true. So when my wife and I, we sit down in every September, October and we plan out what the

holiday travel is going to look like so we can give our families a big heads up. And whenever we sit down, I always say, I want to do two weeks, I want to do some hunting trips, I want to do some hangout trips, I want to eat tons of Mexican food, I want to do all this stuff in Texas. That's where all both of our families are. And my wife always goes, that's cool. And you have a job. And so here's what's practical, right? And so it's all this once get on the table and it's all fun and it's frustrating and it's annoying and it's this. And then we buy plane tickets or we get the car gassed up and I send an email to all my family So here's we're gonna be there

Mm-hmm And some years just know some years you're gonna fly back home because you want to spend a little bit more time and you want To be there and he's not gonna be there and that's okay And if you're gonna stay together long term There's gonna be some seasons when, I mean, there's going to be every year where you say, every Christmas, I want us to go downstairs or I want us to go sit under the Christmas tree for our private Christmas day morning.

Or I don't really care about that at all. In fact, Christmas is the best day to travel. We're just going to do that. Like y'all get to decide what that is. I say this a million times on the show, I want you to be very clear about your pictures, pictures and words, because you say something like, I wanna be with you during Christmas,

and he says, I wanna be with you during Christmas. I want you to be very detailed and specific on what that picture is. Is it Christmas day? Is it a tree? Is it opening presents? Is it going for? Is it a tree? Is it opening presents? Is it going for walks and looking at lights? Is it traveling?

And I want him to be very specific about, I wanna be with you during Christmas, very specific about that picture. Cause then all you have to do is align the pictures. Like, oh, the week after Christmas, yeah, it's awesome. The week before Christmas, yeah, that's fantastic. Christmas day, I'm with my family. That's just like a no,

that's like a, I don't compromise that right now. And you get to decide, all right, then I'm breaking up with you or, okay, that's great. But let's align our pictures and words of what the holiday looks like. And even bigger, I want you to take some steps towards telling him, I'm gonna alter the dynamic in our relationship a bit,

and I'm gonna start being very specific about what I want. And it's never been safe before for me to do that. And I'm going to start being very specific about what I want. And that's never been safe before for me to do that. I'm going to start doing that because you deserve it. More importantly, I deserve that. And then he's going to say, thank you for sharing that with me. Here's my picture of what this looks like. And then y'all can negotiate the pictures.

And it gets pretty easy when y'all start talking that way. But I want you to be specific with me. Sounds like a great guy. Sounds like he just has his own specific things. You sound like a great woman who's ready to change everything and you've got some specific things. It's time for you to put them both on the table,

not in a chat, but in an important conversation about the future of your relationship. And let's hold them loosely and let's put them on there and be totally honest with each other. My guess is you're all going to figure this one out. And then, tell them for Christmas, your picture this year is him taking a knee under a mistletoe and asking you to be his wife.

Let's do that one this year. That would be awesome. Thanks for the call, Bailey. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, it's that time of year when it's getting a little colder, it's getting dark earlier, and sometimes we just want to stay in and get cozy. And for me, my perfect night at home is something my family calls bed pile. The whole family gets under some blankets around the fire and we either read some books

out loud like nerds or we watch a movie together. I love it. Whatever your perfect night looks like, therapy can feel a little bit like that. A time when you can settle in, replenish your energy, and take care of yourself. Therapy is a great way to bring yourself some comfort during the chaos and rush of the holiday season or any other time of year. Taking the time to pause and be mindful is one big reason why I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp is a hundred percent online therapy with licensed therapists. You can talk with your therapist just about anywhere so it's

convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey, you get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Find comfort this December with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Don't forget the 50 days of Christmas deals going on with the Ramsey team. Questions for humans couples are on sale for $12 and building a non-anxious life is 30% off. Go to ramsysolutions.com slash store and get presents this year that matter. All right, let's go to Boise, Idaho

and talk to Anna, Anna. What's up, Anna? Well, the sun is shining and I successfully got my five young kids plus two bonus kids to two different schools on time and I get to talk to you so it's a pretty good morning. Dang Gina, that's a lot of humans in your house. It's a lot of humans. Yep. Did I get a niner in there? You have nine people there? No, seven. We brought two friends to school today. I carpooled.

Yeah, okay, okay. All right so. So five kids, my husband and I. So seven for us. Plus two bonus. Plus two bonus plus two bonus. Why not? Why not, you know, I like adding a little chaos to my life. All right, so what's up? How can I help? Okay, so first I'll ask you my general question then I can give you more specifics. Okay, you want them? Okay, how can my husband and I effectively discipline our 13 year old son without making him feel like his life is over. Okay, I'm gonna answer this with one quick statement and then I wanna hear the whole story, okay? Sounds good.

You cannot control your son's feelings, period. Okay. Full stop. Okay, now tell me the full story. Okay, so primarily it has to do with screen time. So that's the thing that if we're going to give him a discipline or cut something out, that's what really gets to him. Other things, extra chores, whatever else doesn't really affect him at all.

And if we take away screen time or cut it in half or whatever, he's just a beast. He's moody, he's rude, he thinks his life is over. And in this day and age, I feel like with kids, things have changed so much that a minor thing maybe to adults, because we can see the bigger picture, to children, you know, in adolescence he hasn't gone through puberty yet. I don't think, I think to him it's the end of the world. And is it okay for him to feel that way? Should I do something different?

Should we talk through it? Yeah, there's a lot here. Your assessment of what kids can handle and not handle is a little bit off. It's not quote unquote. So I heard somebody is probably six or seven months ago and I track with them 1000%. They said, I'm sick of people saying the quote unquote, these kids these days. Okay. And he went on to say, the kids have not changed.

They're exactly the same. It's the adults in their lives that have changed. Okay. So you and me as parents of young youngsters, young teenagers and young kids, it's us that have to do the management, not these kids. They're just kids. You and me as parents of youngsters, young teenagers and young kids, it's us that have to do the management, not these kids. They're just kids. So a couple of guiding principles I always go with when I'm talking to parents about

kids. Number one, kids do what works. And some kids are super ultra compliant and go get straight A's because it works. And in the same house, another kid may fight and scream and yell depending on any number of temperament when they were born, brothers and sisters, time with mom and dad, intentional stress, epigenetics, all this stuff. Doesn't matter to me. It just matters the kid in front of me.

They may try to burn the house down because it works Right and eventually you go fine. I don't care. Here's your stupid screen and they win And I don't even like you know what I use the wrong word. It's not a competition What a screen time give a kid it gives them distraction it gives them an exhale it's a drug And kid, it gives them distraction, it gives them an exhale. It's a drug. And the folks who built the screens, the apps, the shows, if you got behind closed doors and learned how intentional they are with colors, with fonts, with change rates, with the flicker rates, it is precision science as though they are crafting pure heroin. Yeah.

And so you've got a kid, how old's your child? He just turned 13. Okay, so when he's screened, is it phone, is it texting, is it social media, what is it? We're pretty strict. He likes to play Fortnite and he thinks the time allowed is for babies and it should be more. But what is Fortnite for him? Is that a way he interacts with his friends?

Yeah, he talks to his friends, but he's also pretty outdoorsy with his friends too. So he's getting a lot of outside time too with his friends. Okay. Right? Right? He's just, he's just, he gets really, um, just in a bad mood and mean lately because he doesn't get enough screens. And if we take it away and it's just all, everything in his world is based around that. Okay.

He doesn't have a smartphone. So he says we should have like a baby because he has a tru mi phone, which is a kid version phone and sure. And I think the response to that is no, we, we treat you like someone that we love and want to keep safe. And that's good. And so your kid is allowed to be frustrated and allowed to be annoyed.

I mean, he's 13. That's his job, right? What he can't do is have control over your feelings or your, he can't have access to your emotions or he will use them to his gain. Right. As Dr. Becky Kennedy calls it, you've got to be sturdy in the face of a 13 year old. Now here's where I've taken all of the me versus you out of it. And I place it wholly on my kids and

Here's what I do number one there are some non-negotiables I have a 14 year old he'll probably he's figured out how to listen to these episodes now He'll probably listen to this he will never get a camera on a phone in my house Okay, period ever last night. You guys are the worst now. He's dying laughing when he's doing get a camera on a phone in my house. Okay. Period, ever. Last night, you guys are the worst. Now he's dying laughing when he's doing this. But he's like, y'all are the worst, you don't care about me.

You know, and he's being funny, but it's like, and I started laughing and I was like, one of my favorite things is to make you miserable. But he knows, I'm not giving you a camera because you got the unfortunate Lot in life that your dad did a whole bunch of sexual assault investigations at the college level Not gonna give a phone to you with a camera on it period. You're not gonna get social media Mm-hmm. I know how devastating it is to me and I don't care

I'm not gonna give that to a 40 right and so all I have to say is there are some non-negotiables. Okay. The next round of negotiations is my son, my daughter, versus my son, my daughter. What do I mean by that? Last night, my daughter said something that was really unacceptable and rude. And I said, if you choose to not respond X, Y, and Z, and you choose to do that again, you are choosing X, Y, and Z consequence, and that doesn't make sense to me. But I want her to feel the weight of, if I choose to be sassy, if I choose to hit somebody, if I choose to steal, if I choose, she doesn't do that stuff, but like, if I choose behavior

X, I am choosing consequence okay so if she chooses I'm making something up silly if she chooses not to get a room cleaned up on Saturday mornings she's choose chosen to not watch TV I've got nothing to do with it because in my house you only watch TV on Saturday mornings and you only watch TV when all your chores are done So you get to choose how you roll there Right now is she still eight? Yes. Does she still kick and scream if I hold myself to my own standards? Yes She'll have permission to make me mad so I'm not going with my life Right, right. That's something I need to you me mad, so I'm not going with my life. Right, right.

That's something I need to, you know, his emotions, they're not, it's not me. He doesn't have control over my emotions, that's on me. And I need to be better about that. But he does need to choose to be respectful, or he's going to choose to lose a lot. So that's kind of, you know, so he's been very disrespectful. I just kind of, he's always been my sweet, you know, so he's been very disrespectful. I just kind of he's always been my sweet You know, he's the oldest of five we have twin girls that just turned seven though the youngest And he's always been my sweet responsible, you know when and in school he's in seventh grade. He's in all

Advanced honors classes. He does a great job. He's like mom. I'm doing I'm doing my stuff stuff. I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. It's not fair that you are controlling my screen timers. Your safety is, there's not an ROI on your safety. Yeah. There's just not. Yeah. So when he acts in a way and he thinks his life is over and he goes in his room and he doesn't want to come out, he doesn't want to do normal life because he thinks his life is over and he's like, you know goes in his room and he doesn't want to come out he doesn't want to do normal life because he thinks his life is over. Do I go engage with him? Do I give him space? Do I

talk through it? I would give him a little bit of time because he's learning to regulate his emotions. Okay. And then he gets to choose to take a walk with you around the block because here's what he's asking for. Can I have some private time with my mom or my dad? Mm- for. Can I have some private time with my mom or my dad? Mm hmm. Can I have some full attention connected time because I used to be the only one here now my life's exploded. There's 14 people running around here and there's two twins.

Yeah. And that plays on your mom guilt because you never have enough singular time with any of your kids. Right. And so you get frustrated and y'all both have this emotional back and forth game and then he says things like I make I'm doing Perfectly why do you hate me and you're like fine play your stupid game and then his body goes ah Now I know the boundary in this house

Yeah, do you I'm saying yeah, I know that makes sense so you first mom and dad y'all have five kids Yeah, I know that makes sense. So you first mom and dad, you all have five kids. I want y'all to double down and triple down on rebuilding your marriage. Because that tension ripples through the house. Yeah. How old's your youngest? So there are twins and they just turned seven. So we have five in five years.

The twins were a big surprise. The fourth film was a surprise, then there were two. Hey-o. Okay. It was just nuts. What y'all haven't done is re-imagine your marriage with five people. Yeah. Under your care.

What did dates look like? What does sex look like? What does laughter look like? What does us going outside and we're having mom and dad grown up time and all the kids need to go away. What does that look like? What does laughter look like? What does us going outside and we're having mom and dad grown-up time? And all the kids need to go away. What does that look like? See, I I feel like that's actually one area where we have made a priority obviously when I looked at it, but like we do a date every single week sometimes it's

Biking to Starbucks and bringing cards. Sometimes it's more elaborate But we do I mean we just went out of the country together for a 15 year anniversary and left all the kids. Oh, okay. I'm way off on that. I'm wrong. That's perfect. Yeah, we, we do. We take, we spend a lot of time together one night a week when the kids are out of bed, we try to not watch a show and we try to like, we like saying board games or cards, but we're not perfect by any means, but we definitely want to show our kids. I've heard from you, from others that our marriage show our kids. I've heard from you from others that our marriage is more important. Yes. Perfect. Perfect. He's going to come to me and he gets home

before the kids. And my kids see that. We kiss in the kitchen. Eww. Eww. Yeah. All the things. And they say you, and I think that's still healthy. It's exactly what it is. Yeah. When our twins cry, when we go on dates, because they still do. And then the kids see all by themselves now, which is amazing. But when they don't want us to go, we tell them, if you, us having a good marriage is the biggest gift we can give you guys. Well, dude, so I'm wrong on that one. Y'all are nailing it.

Next step is- We're not perfect, but we were trying. Well, of course, y'all are more perfect than most. The next step here then is let's look for not breadth of time, but intensity of time. Is there once a week your husband can take your 13 year old out for breakfast? Can we just make that a commitment? It's unbudgable. I mean, and that's not even a word, but no one's going to budge on this.

Your son's going to kick and scream. We will do this once a week. Kid gets to pick the restaurant. Can you or him do that? Probably more likely dad, because you've got other chaos going on. Yeah, and I think it's good. Good for them.

But can we do that? And then in those conversations and to a 13 year old, love equals depth of time, intensity of time. Is there no screen? Is there just my father or my mother looking across the table and saying, how's your day? Fine, they're not gonna answer you

and they're not gonna answer you. The next time it's gonna be boring, the next time it's gonna be boring. And then one morning after you and your son have gotten into it, your husband's gonna look across the table and say, hey, you will not disrespect my wife and my house. Yeah, yep.

And then your son might say, dad, I'm missing out on things at the lunch table. I don't even know what's going on in my friend's lives. Right. And as my son told me once, at least you had a phone on the wall that you could talk to your friends, I got nothing. And so I actually called an expert,

like one of the best first person shooter game players I know, They're amazing. And they also happen to be a SWAT hostage negotiator. And I said, do you let your kids play Fortnite? And he said, absolutely not. Because of the controls of other people joining games. I said, what about Minecraft? And he said, it would depend on the kid kid but that has a better closed loop of games

Okay, so this year at 14, I made that adjustment for my kid Okay, okay and yeah, I want to I want to preface this by saying My husband is so we have we've been married 15 years He's one of the ones that it just just incredible incredible incredible guy. I mean, just I don't know what I did. He's an amazing dad, amazing husband, amazing friend, just amazing employee. He's just a wonderful person. So I want to caveat that first, but I do want to say he's an engineer. So he designs a lot of electrical, electronic stuff, memory, lots of things like that. And so in his nature, he's on his phone a lot

and he likes to be on his phone. That's kind of, that's what he does. That's what he likes to do. And I'm noticing that, our oldest is noticing that. And he's like, well, you say it's not great, but dad's always on his phone. And that's something that I don't know how. He has one.

You sit down with your husband and tell him exactly what you just told me. Okay. Because what you just said is a context, not an excuse. I'm an introvert and that surprises people because I'm so loud and blah, blah on the show. But when I get home, the only thing I want to do is go up to my little reading part in my house where I have all my reading and my notes and I just want to sit there and stare off into space and read a book.

And I have an eight year old little girl saying, dad, do you see me? Do you love me? And I have a 14 year old boy saying, dad, do you see me? Do you love me? And because I chose to bring them into the world, I am choosing, I have thereby chosen to skip the thing that is my Xanax. In your husband's case, it's a screen or it's a thing he likes or in my case, it's my, oh, I just want to be self-indulgent for the, I don't get to do that.

I got to roll out the wrestling mat and me and my daughter going WWE style or me and my son are talking about girls and doing homework together, like whatever the thing is, right? Yeah. They're here because of me. Right. Right? And so it is in that friendship that y'all have, there is a vulnerable truth-telling conversation. Here's how me and my wife do it.

You and your husband can do it however y'all want. You guys sound like y'all are crushing it. My wife will say, John, I have a vulnerable conversation I need to have. When she says that, that is a key. And I say it back to her, like I'll approach her with that, hey, I need to have a vulnerable conversation. When we say that, that is a key. All screens go down, all phones go over, and we look at each other in the eye. And the only answer the other person can give is thank you for sharing that. That's it. And then occasionally I will say, can I have a rebuttal?

And she will sometimes say, not yet, or absolutely, I'd love to hear what you have to say. But what that allows her to do is so that I don't start barking at her I get real defensive or You know hard I've been working that kind of nonsense however spouses do it She can say hey, I got a vulnerable conversation go for it go The last like three weeks you have lived on your phone and the kids notice it. I'm noticing it You are not present in the house. I miss you, they miss you. Is everything okay? And I exhale real big and I go, thank you for sharing. Yeah.

And then I can say, can I rebut that? And she'll go, sure. And I'll say, hey, I've got this huge deadline thing going, but I will bring my kids in and I'll say, hey guys, you've seen me on my phone and it's wrong and I'm sorry. Right. But she has permission to call me out on that stuff and I think you calling him out doesn't negate all the amazing things you said about him it deepens your friendship and your love for each other mm-hmm fair yeah that's really fair he might say hey

I've got a vulnerable thing you're going toe-to-toe the 13 year old boy, you need to stop doing that. And you can go, ugh, okay. Is it, I don't want to say normal, but is it typical at this age for our son to be moody as heck? If he wants something, mean, he can change it if he wants something. And him, so we're- Go watch the movie Inside Out one and two. So good, I've seen it. They're right, they're right. Just exchange that girl with your boy.

Yeah. Yes. Everything in his body's on fire. And that's why- And it all revolves around anything. What we don't let him do. Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

And here, just imagine, he's a 13 year old boy that knows he's loved, whose parents have an amazing marriage. And he is by nature becoming a bull. And I hate to use cow analogies because he's not a cow, he's a young man, but he's becoming a man. And he is crashing into boundaries and see if they hold.

And if he can't get through them by force and he can't get through them by straight A's, he's gonna get through them by whining. And if he can't get through them by force and he can't get through them by straight A's, he's going to get through them by whining. And if he can't get through them by whining, he'll begin to exhale and say, okay, this is how the world works. Yeah. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you. In fact, he is screaming, I love you so much. Do you still see me?

Yeah. And we try as well. And again, we have- I know, I know. I'm not blaming. I'm not blaming. This is not- We have no family here.

Yes, this is not about guilt. This is not about any of that. Anna, don't do that. Don't go to the guilt. You're going to the guilt now. Don't do that. Okay. You're doing a really fine job.

But isn't it hard to not be like, what could I? Yes. Yes. Like once a week, we try when the younger three are in bed, our 11 year old daughter, she's 11 and a half, and then our 13 year old son, we let him stay up and me, my husband and them two, we play cards or we do something, we try.

So it's just hard to not to think that it's enough. Yes, but listen, your 13 year old pretty soon, your husband's gonna say, hey, just go on a trip, me and 13 year old pretty soon your debt. Your husband's gonna say hey School on a trip me and you where do you want to go? And she's gonna say I don't want to and hang out my friends Yeah, and that's not a statement. It's not an indictment of y'all Okay, he's slowly developing a tribe. It's just it's just how it goes, right? And y'all get to say sorry you're coming on the trip with me and he'll go okay and

If it's a connected trip, then it will be a mesmerizing magical experience for him in his nervous system And he might still say I just want to be my friends. I just want He's 13 man, he's 13 It's not an indictment of what kind of parents you guys are, but he is gonna try to find where the boundaries, how firm are these boundaries? How safe am I in my own skin? Because everything in his life is coming unwound. His understanding of how his friends work,

his understanding of other friends' parents, his understanding of his relationship to who he's romantically interested in, his relationship to who he's romantically interested in, his relationship to he's in eighth grade or now he's a freshman in high school and grades actually matter now and coaches are expecting more. Everything is raising up and so he's going to smash against the boundaries in his home to make sure they hold. And you have to be risk being willing to not be liked by a 13 year old because you're so mean.

Okay, my job is to keep you safe, dude. And I get a 13 year old wanting to play video game and me saying no to him being upset. Of course he is. He's 13. Of course he is. Of course he is. I get upset when my boss says you got to do this. I'm like, I don't want to do this. I get upset about that. I'm an old, old man. That stuff's normal. It's normal. But let's circle back with your husband

and see if you can find time that one or both of you can have depth of time. And in my house, it has been transformed by that weekly breakfast. In my house, it's been transformed by, here's who the Delonis are, and here's the choices you kids get to make about the life y'all have. Y'all get to make about the life you all have.

You all get to choose these things. And if you choose disrespect, then you're choosing no X, Y or Z. Hope you don't make that choice. If you choose disrespect, you're choosing to not be in this room. And I hate that choice because this house doesn't work without you. But I want to teach you choice and consequence. I don't want to teach you there comes a line when you cross it and dad or mom will kick you out because that line doesn't exist.

I will never kick you out. You can always choose to walk away from me, but I will always be here with a door wide open for you. Always. And at 13, they're trying to figure that out. So part of me wants to tell you buckle up Anna. It's just getting going. And the other part of me wants to tell you buckle up Anna. It's just getting going And the other part of me wants to tell you it's completely normal. You're doing a good good job

Maybe one last thing try and i've heard parents reach back out to me and say this has been magic in their home Try a journal with mom where you write a journal or a spiral and put it on his bed And you write a couple of things that you see in him That's amazing that you see in him you catch him doing something good. I saw you today help out your two sisters with their lunch. I really love seeing the man that you're becoming. That was really amazing how you were worked hard on that one project. Great job.

I really see how you honored your sisters this morning. I saw it was It was good. And the rule is when you write on his, he has to write something back to you. A B&W, best and worst of the day. And for the next two years, his worst might be you won't let him play video games. So what? Who cares? But you find ways you can go to depth of connection, which is hard because you got a thousand kids

and your husband needs to start saying, okay, I'm going to skip a workout once a week and I'm going to take him to breakfast. And then you and your husband have the conversations saying, okay, I'm going to skip a workout once a week and I'm going to take him to breakfast. And then you and your husband have the conversations about phone usage, about getting to screaming matches or whatever else is going on. Give each other permission to love each other, iron sharpens iron, to call each other out and to be truthful. Thank you so much for the call, Anna. You're on the right track, my friend.

We'll be right back. Christmastime is here. There's parties, buying things, being sad that We'll be right back. Christmas time is here. There's parties, buying things, being sad that no one bought you anything. There's travel, all of it. There's so much going on that we can forget to set aside time for what's truly important. The good news is that Hallow is here

to help you keep your spiritual priorities in order during a season of madness. Hallow is the world's number one prayer and meditation app. I use it every day and I love it. And right now their Advent Pray 25 challenge called For God So Loved the World is live and in action. Plus, Hallow has book studies led by Bear Grylls and Jonathan Rumi, prayer guides,

a Bible study on the book of Ephesians, kids' Advent programming, and more. Good folks, this season can be an amazing time to encounter God's love and find the true joy of Christmas. And Hallow wants to help you experience this, so they're offering three free months right now when you sign up at Hallow.com slash Deloney. Start the new year right so you can enjoy

this fantastic prayer challenge completely free. That's hallo.com slash deloney for three months of hallo free. All right, we're back. Please, please, please, please hit the subscribe button on YouTube. We're so close to the million mark and I want to get there before the year is over. So please tell all your friends, get everybody in the club to get A, tipsy and B, subscribe on the YouTubes. And Kelly, you got the YouTubes. And Kelly, you got something cool that happened. What is it?

Kelly Suellentrop Yes. First of all, I need more cool crap that happened and Am I the Problem starting to run out. Please, please, please send those in to AskJohn at Ramsey Solutions and make sure you put in the subject line, cool crap that happened or Am I the Problem so we can read them. All right. This is from Austin and he says, after hearing on your show about the magical question, what does your picture look like? I knew it was something my husband and I needed to implement.

We aren't the type that has huge arguments often, but when we find ourselves sad and even resentful at times when our picture for a day event, etc. doesn't come out like we thought. Really, it isn't that... Excuse me. Really, that it isn't a fair frustration because we haven't even communicated those hopes out loud. Sure enough, when we have started asking each other almost daily, what does your picture look like? It has resolved so many of our smaller disagreements and disappointments. We both know what the other has in mind and our hopes for and with that information, we can do everything in our power to make that possible. Thank you for sharing this tip and so many other things that we have learned from your show.

P.S. I was out the other day and saw Kelly getting her latest Delphi's tattoo. I was fairly surprised that she chose to have it cover her entire back, but it looked pretty good. It does. Hey, way to go. Is Austin awesome with a why so it's a she. Austin. Amazing. I'm proud of you for those. It's like we need to change everything. They don't seem to ask that one question and it tends to transform your whole household. That's amazing. Good for you. And I like you. I've been both stunned and impressed. Kelly is starting to slowly get rid of all the old English tattoos

back from her biker days, which are cool. And she's replacing them with celebrities, kind of weird. She got a dope, dope, she wears like super, super, super short jean shorts. And she's got her Taylor Swift like full body thing down her quad, kind of weird, but she shows it off a lot. But the Elvis tattoo, I didn't see that one coming. I thought you were more of like a John Rich guy.

And so having the Elvis tattoo on your back, like I didn't see it coming, but go get them, dude. Ain't nothing but a hound, oh. Crying all the time. Good job, Kelly. Hey everybody, thank you all so, so, so much for being with us. I'm grateful for you. Merry Christmas, Kelly. Hey everybody, thank you all so, so, so much for being with us. I'm grateful for you.

Merry Christmas. Bye.