The Dr. John Delony Show - I’m Married, but It Doesn’t Feel Like It

Episode Date: April 24, 2026

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We've been together for seven years, married before. She decided that she wanted to be the sole provider of the family and delegate the job of parenting to me. Wait, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you mean about you're the sole parent? What up? What up, what up?

This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show. Coming to you from Nashville, real people with real problems, pulling up a seat and figuring out what's the next right move. in your marriage, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life, your kids, everything. Politics, all of it. Give me a bus. If you want to be on this show, actually, don't give me a buzz,

because this is the 21st century, as some of the guys on the team say, click the link in the show notes, whatever that means. Let's go out to Birmingham, Alabama, and talk to Joshua. Hey, Joshua, what's up? How you doing, man? Doing great, brother. How are you? I'm all right.

I think I'm just going to go right into my question. Let it rip. All right. So me and my wife, we've been together for seven years, married before. And in that, she decided that she wanted to be the sole provider of the family and delegate the job of parenting to me. And our time together. Wait, what? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. The sole breadwinner, the sole earner, I don't have a, that's fine. And couples decide that all the time. Yeah. What do you mean about you're the sole parent? So I may I say that a little wrong. So whenever it comes to our children or our child, I am the one who is a stay-at-home parent,

and I'm the one who does all the things with our child, which means appointments, anything like that, cooking, cleaning, everything like that. She said, hey, you can feel that role. And I said, okay. Okay, hold on. Sounds great. Do you want to be doing this?

Because you've said a couple of times she told you, she decided and did you all agree on this together? Yeah, sorry, sorry. I wasn't clear. So we did agree to this. And I didn't have a really good father in my life. So I wanted to make sure that I was there for my son. And when my wife was like, hey, I'll be the sole breadwinner. I was like, yeah, I'll fall under that role, no problem.

And I love to do it. It's one of the greatest things I've ever done. Okay. But with that being said, since we've had our son, our intimacy has essentially went to nothing. Okay. And in that... When you say intimacy, you aren't having sex anymore? No, no, not at all.

Okay. What about... I mean, I would say probably once every, once every three, four months. Oh, okay. Okay, so also, I like to back out intimacy is bigger than just sex. Yes. Yes. It includes laughing.

it includes eye contact, it includes handholding, it includes having fun together, is all that gone too? Yes, pretty much. Okay. And I've watched the show and I've done a couple different things to, that I've, you know, I've tried to implement.

I've got, come as you are, I purchased two copies, one for me, one for her. I encourage her to read it. She got through maybe a chapter and then completely put it down. I have, to the example of going to therapy. We've done couples therapy.

She quit that. Anytime she's done her own therapy, she's quit that as well. And I'm at a spot where I've done all the things she's asked me to do. For instance, more dates, make sure the house is clean, make sure, you know, taking care of all the domestic things. Even once I've done that, nothing has improved. And then whenever I bring it up, she says, oh, we're on this again. so I'm sort of at a loss of what to do because I feel like I've communicated pretty clearly, but it just doesn't seem like it's very receptive.

Yeah, she doesn't care. Do you disagree with that? Slightly in the sense of... Go for it. I know that she cares overall. I know she cares about me. She wouldn't work as hard as she does. I know she cares about our family.

Disagree. Disagree, disagree, disagree. Go ahead. Go ahead. Okay. Man, I love this call because, it flips the the the gender norms of this question that usually I get called with. So this makes this much more, it makes it much easier to talk about, right?

So, right? You are, you are grasping for scraps of emotional connection and physical connection with a person who, if behavior is a language, is very clear. my job my earning my world is mine here's the role

you can play in my world and any time you poke your head up above the wheat to say can I have a vote in this world you're met with oh that again why don't you just

you never why how come you don't and so she's not working so hard for you and for y'all she's working so hard for her to maintain this world that she has created alone and marriages only work if they're co-created yeah you know what i'm saying and and yeah the hard part for you i think is metabolizing how bad this really is yeah yeah she doesn't she doesn't respect you yeah and that's kind of that's kind of where what what i've been feeling in the in the sense

of she goes above and beyond on her part. I go above and beyond on my part. What is above and beyond on her part? Above and beyond on her part would be that she makes sure everything in the house stays on. She makes sure the car insurance is done. That's not above and beyond. That is the bar. That's the low thing.

Above and beyond is I'm so tired, but everything in my life is in service to my. my spouse. And I'm going to hope to God that everything in their life is in service to me. And we're going to constantly be trying to out serve each other only to find out we just got out served. She's not going above and beyond. Never thought of it that way. When you are the sole breadwinner, putting bread on the table is the bottom rung. Yeah. Going above and beyond to saying, I'm exhausted and I'm still going to love you anyway. I have more of the a responsive desire instead of a spontaneous desire, but I know that I like having sex with you. I know when we get done having sex, I'm glad we did that. So even though I'm not feeling it,

I'm going to get that ball rolling because I know I'm going to get there. Right. It is constantly trying to see and know, and this is important, celebrate you, not just with patting you on the head or paying for a nice dinner out, but celebrating you in ways that you feel celebrated. None of that's happening, homie. No. Okay.

And if I'm being honest, this is going to sound pretty bold. No, be honest. It's a, she's not being a partner of fidelity.

Right. And that's something that I've mentioned because I usually mentioned to her, you know, whenever we took our vows, we made, you know,

we made certain promises to one another and I'm like, hey, I don't, I don't feel like, this is being fully fulfilled on one side. On my side, I definitely feel like I am,

but the other side, on her side, I'm like, we're falling short, and her response is typically just, I don't know. I don't know what you want me to tell you. Okay, so here's the deal. This is hard, I'm about to tell you. The only person on planet Earth you can control is you.

Yes. That's it. And so my question for you is, and this is a question I ask all couples in this kind of situation. Yeah. Is there a chance you're going to leave? Personally, no. Probably not. Is there a chance you're going to leave?

No. Or have you made peace that this is going to be your life? Simply because I have a, I want to do, I want to stay here because one, even though we have this problem, I do still love her, but also I have a duty to my son to make sure that he grows up in a stable household. and I know most people's reaction is, well, given the circumstance you're in, that's not a stable household because of the circumstances, but I do feel a little bit different in that.

The greatest gift you can give your child, and this is bared out in the data, the greatest gift you can give your child is a good or great marriage. Not time, not more stuff. Right. That's the greatest gift. Right.

Agreed. Okay. And so the question, and I'm not trying to get you to leave or to not leave. Here's that I want you to land on. Okay. If this arrangement, being with somebody who is having an affair on you with work, with their world, who's not building a secret, intimate world with you, but who has built their own world and you get to be an employee in that world, if that's the world you're okay with or you've made p you don't have to be okay with it that's the world

you are choosing to live in till death do you part then what i want you to do is to grieve like bloody hell what isn't going to happen and make peace because choosing to wake up every day and try again and do new things it's making you miserable it's making her miserable and your kid is growing up in that tension yeah if you believe that you're worth more than this then I want you to begin asking what steps do you need to take so that you begin to respect you because I think underneath all this, you've lost respect and yourself too. So back out of the stay-at-home dad situation. Okay.

Is there a job or a career you'd be interested in pursuing? Well, that's the other part is I also have a career of my own. I just don't work normal hours. I typically work night. What do you do? Security. Okay. Do you want to be a professional?

security guy forever? Yeah, yeah, I actually quite enjoy it. Okay. Do you want to have that as a job? Like, I mean, do you want that to be your career? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Yeah. I want you to explore that more fully than just doing it on the side. Okay. And that might mean childcare. That might mean your kid going to school. That might mean you altering the arrangement, but I want you to begin to do things that make you feel alive in your own skin. Do you all share a single checking account or does she give you an allowance?

No, no, no, we, we, uh, everything's joined. Okay. Do you all have regular meetings about calendar and about budgets and about how we're doing life together? Yes. That we do. Yes. It just comes to emotional and physical intimacy.

She's like, just shut your mouth. I don't want to talk about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That, that really is it. And I got to tell you, brother, that's, it almost never is just that. Right. Well, and, and the thing is, is that when you say that, In my mind, I quite literally cannot think of any other aspect of our relationship that we do have any sort of problem.

Well, it's because you're too busy taking care of everything. Okay. You're too busy burying yourself to try to live up to this arrangement. Okay. Let me put a different way. All of this question, all of your line of questioning has had one central premise. something that you're not doing right. That is the tale of a man who's been beaten down.

Beating down trying to do the right thing. No. You're conflating what you're told with the right thing. Let me put another way. What do you want, man? I mean, to be completely frank, I just want to be intimate with my wife on a semi-regular basis.

That's it. What's beneath that? Yes, people want sex. I get that. You're not crazy. What's beneath that? Connection. Put it, be more specific.

Like, be more vulnerable. Let me put that way. What does that mean? No, no. What that means is feeling cared for. Feeling care for in a way that's tangible and not just a, hey, all this stuff that's staying care of. I want to feel like, hey, you actually like to be with me.

There we go. There you go. I want my wife to like me. What's so bad about me that you don't like me? That you don't want to be with me. Yeah. That you don't value me beyond what I fold and what I wash and what I mop. Have you asked that question?

What is it about me that you don't like? I don't think I've ever asked that directly. Okay, that's the level of vulnerability I want you to be at. There's a framework. I'll give it to you. Okay. Here's the frame, okay? I need to have a hard conversation. Give her a heads up.

And it sounds like, according to you, she's all in, she's great about that. Sure, let's talk. And I need you to stay present and not dismiss this conversation. Got it. You think she'll do that? I think so. Yeah. Okay.

The story I'm choosing to make up is, you don't like me. There's something unappeal. about me. You don't want me emotionally. You don't want me sexually. You don't like me. And followed by the story you've made up is here's how that makes me feel. It makes me feel less than alone, used, not a part of this marriage. Followed by, here's what I would love to be different. And then you open your hands and she might say, that's never going to change. I think you're attractive, I think you're great. I just don't want to talk about this anymore. Conversations over. And then you have to ask yourself, do I have an or what statement?

I need this to change or I'm going to leave. I need this to change or I'm going to stay and I'm just going to make peace with this with a sexless marriage. And not only sexless marriage, but a marriage devoid of emotional connection, of intimacy. Yeah. Of play, of laughter, of eye contact, of I genuinely just like having fun with you. Right. Right. Well, that would be an interesting conversation. Well, that's the conversation underneath all of the, you need to go to marriage counseling,

or we need to do something different, or let's try this in the bedroom, or want you wear this. Like, all of those are proxy for the real question is, why don't you like me? Yeah. Or what's so bad about me? Am I bad at sex? Do you not like it? Do you have things in the bedroom you want to try, and I'm boneheaded? I don't, like, you get what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah, 100%. Okay. But I want you to be able to look in the mirror, brother, and not be respectful of the things you do, but be respectful of your standing in your marriage. And right now you have none because she won't allow for it. Yeah. She's treating you like a great housekeeper.

Yeah. You're worth more than this. And by the way, she is too, man. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Your kid is. but it starts with you asking in that framework or saying in that framework,

here's what's happening, here's the story as I'm making up, and here's how I feel, and here's what I want to be different. Yeah. And give her a chance to respond to all those things. Yeah. And hopefully she'll treat your vulnerability

with the care and respect and love that it deserves and she won't just rub your nose in it. And if she does, you've got a hard choice to make. I'm going to live with this, or I'm going to decide I'm worth more than this. Both of those paths are really, really hard. I would challenge you to choose the path that's going to get you and your child and your marriage where you want it to be down the road.

This is a hard one. But, man, it takes a lot of courage to make this call, so I'm grateful for you, brother. Thanks for reaching out. I wish you the best. And if she wants to call, if you all both want to call back in, I'd love to have you. Call any time, my man. When we come back, a man asks if it is important to stay connected to current events via all of the news media. It is spring.

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montananinife company.com and see what's available right now. I am telling you, they're worth the money, they're worth the shipping, they're worth it because they're awesome. That's montananinivecompanic.com. Let's go out to Columbia, South Carolina, and talk to James. What's up, James? Hey, John, how's it going? I'm doing great, brother. How are you? I'm living the dream, I think.

Anytime somebody tells me they're living the dream, that means their life's miserable. I didn't say if it was a dream or a nightmare, you know, nightmare is a dream as well. Oh, there you go, there you go. What's up? Hey, so I've been wondering if it's unwise for me to not consume pretty much any news media at all or do I need to stay better informed I think those are two different things

the news media is not how you stay informed because it's it's I mean I said this on a recent show news media companies particularly the traditional news media companies are all publicly traded

and so what that means is they have one job and that is to maximize shareholder returns to make money their job is not to give you information that helps you in your day. Yeah, that makes sense. It is to get clicks, right?

And so when you understand that, you realize part of their job is to work with neuroscientists and techno wizards and all, like, to come up with the most compelling format to keep your attention and eyeballs glued to them. That's it. and one of the primal ways to keep somebody's attention is letting them know you're about to be killed and I have the answer. All right, that taps into like a very primitive neural circuitry. And so I would suggest that consuming that sort of media is different than being informed. Yes, I think it's important to know what's going on in the world.

and I think it's important to hold that. It takes about three to five minutes to actually get some information about what's happening in the world that can inform you, what you do on a minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day basis. And the rest of it's just talking heads

and noise and opinions and this could happen and this should happen and this might happen and all that kind of stuff. Yeah, that makes sense for sure. And so I've, go ahead. I consume media from two places. One is, and I've talked about them openly,

I check in with the marginal revolution, Alex Tabrock and Tyler Cowan every day. And they have a, their economists who are just brilliant and wise, and I don't agree with them 100% of the time, but their take is almost always accurate. It's staggering how accurate it is at times. how staggeringing how accurate is often. But that's not news media.

That is a big picture and a little picture on how the world is operating in real time. The second I subscribe, I have skin in the game, I pay for news, and I'm going to keep that private because it will just send people into a frenzy. That's fair.

And so, but all to say is the reason I pay for it, and by the way, I'm a cheap skate, dude. I don't like paying for anything is I want to have skin in the game. Okay. I don't want to just be a passive guy sitting at a buffet and it's just a stream of slop food that I'm just eating without thinking about it. I want to say, no, no, I'm paying for this meal. Okay. Yeah, that makes sense. Does that make sense? So tell me what you're struggling with.

You know, I've just, I've gone through different times in my life where I'll, you know, stay, you know, not really, media probably was the wrong word or the wrong term to use. You know, just different podcasts and, you know, different ways of consuming news. And I believe I've heard you say in the past, you know, you can control what happens in your house, but, you know, not what happens in the White House. Something along those, and I've kind of taken that to heart, you know. And so the past, I don't know, year or, or probably longer than that.

You know, around the election cycle, I've, you know, kind of got the bare minimum just to try to make sure I knew who I wanted to vote for. But for a couple years now, I've pretty much paid attention to, like, almost nothing to the point where, you know, on job sites or, you know, my daughter in school will come back and I'll, you know, hey, you hear about this or, you know, what about this going on? And I haven't even heard about it. And some of it, most of it is stuff I'm like, it almost reaffirms my stance. It's like, you know, just the most, you know, dumb stuff to be. lack of a better term, just celebrities this and that and the other. But some of the things do sound pretty important. And so lately it's been on my mind.

Yeah. And so I agree with you. And I've had a new wrinkle for me personally. It was easy for me to just opt out of the whole thing, period. Right? And to just get news either directly from the source. And again, I've said this before, I'm privileged to know some folks who work at media places in high positions who have actual data, actual information,

or people on the ground, like military folks, right? Like, I can call and get the information I need and then be on about my day. But a new wrinkle, I got a 15-year-old. He hears all kinds of wild, mad stuff all day long. And so I have found myself paying more attention to, I'll call them SIP, right

I'm not drinking the full drink down to the ice cubes but I do click through every once in a while now because I want to know what he's getting okay and more importantly

I ask him as part of an ongoing us getting together us just talking us driving together us having breakfast together hey what are some things you've heard

about the Iran war what are some things you're hearing at school about fill in the blank and if I don't have a good answer for him other than an opinion I'll tell him

I'm going to go find out about that, and I'm going to get back to you. And that gives my search a direction, right? I actually go looking for a thing, a topic, an idea, some truth about something, versus me just consuming whatever they're going to just dump in front of me. But that also shows my son, hey, your concerns matter to me. And I'm going to teach you how to be a thoughtful consumer of things, and I'm going to tell him how I got the information, where I got it from. and we're going to talk.

So I'm trying to teach him how to be a good consumer of media as well. Or not media, information, right? Information, yeah, yeah. So I also have a 15-year-old, and I'm sure your son, like my daughter, will sometimes come in and tell us, you know, here's some stuff from school. And it's something that's just off the wall or something that really isn't important at all. Does your son ever do that?

All the time. And so what do you do with, like, you know, do you just tell them to ignore that or do you also look into that kind of stuff as well? Such a good question. So my tendency is my gut reaction, my impulse is to say, that's stupid. If I do that, I'm cutting off a really important teaching opportunity. And so if my son comes home and says, Dad, did you hear fill in the blank?

Trump did this, the Iran did this, or China's doing, like whatever news of the day filtered through whatever nonsense media through to TN, Right? Or actually news media to their parents to teenagers, right? I can cut them off. That's dumb. No way. Which, by the way, none of us can say the words, that's not right. That didn't happen. Not anymore. Because who knows what's happening, right? We're living in a cartoon right now. A scary, scary cartoon. But what I can say is tell me more about that. What parts of that do you think are true? what parts of that doesn't sound right to you? What parts about that scare you? What part about that do you want to know more information about? And so what I want him to do is to hear a big scary thing or a wild thing. And I want to give him some steps.

It's called scaffolding. That's the nerd Vygotsky word. I want to be with him as he processes this information. And it's stunning how often I'm about to say, that's stupid. And then when I ask him deeper questions, he lands on, yeah, that didn't make any sense. but I want him, I want to be with him as he's coming to those conclusions. And I also want to honor the fact he may have a different quote unquote opinion on something than I do. Yeah.

Right? This sounds like a good idea. And I can say, I think it sounds like a terrible idea. But I can honor the fact that I get from your 15 year old seat where you think that's a great idea. And he can say, I get where you, where your old man's seat, you think that's a bad idea. And I wanted to teach him, A, I ain't going to lose me, you're not going to lose our relationship. over a difference of opinion. And opinions are not the final answer.

Truth is. So let's always be about looking for truth. But I never want to, the more I say that's stupid, no way, that's dumb. Only idiots think that. That's a liberal thing. That's a conservative thing. The more I do that, the more I am cutting off the oxygen supply to our relationship together.

And I'm never, ever, ever going to do that. Yeah, that makes sense. 100%. Letting your daughter hear the words, I don't know. I need to go get some more information about that. Or if that's true, that scares me to death and here's why. Man, that is gold for a child because it makes them feel not crazy. Yeah.

Because they're scared too. So you said earlier that you get some of your news from marginal revolutions. And so how do you let that impact, you know, maybe your next steps or, you know, how do you let that impact your decision? that makes sense. Yeah, I mean, I've got some boundaries. I don't do well when I read that stuff within an hour going to bed. And I'll spin up and I'll think about it all night and it will impact my sleep. Like, I just, I know that about myself.

And I always am framing things through this lens. How does it impact? What can I do about it in my home, in my work? And my work is unique, right? Because I got a big platform here. and in relationships with people in my community. And I'm always asking, so what?

Like, so what am I going to do with this? And some things are just good to know. Like, so for instance, Tyler Cowan's been talking about the radical impacts AI is going to make. He's been talking about for years,

way before it hit the headlines. And so I also get overwhelmed and scared to death about it all, mainly because I don't understand it. I don't understand the impact it's going to have. It seems to me moving really fast with people not knowing what it actually all means. And that always, like a mob of people running for a door always makes me nervous, right? And so how does that impact my day?

I read an article or two a week by curated sources about actual things that are happening with AI. things that are not happening with AI and how it might impact me long term and what can I do right now? Right? And so that's just an example of things. Yeah. I don't day trade.

I don't have a bunch of, I don't have any crypto or any that, like I don't buy gold. So those big things when it comes to commodities or big picture markets, I don't have oil futures. And so I just don't live like that. I solve for peace.

I don't solve for all that madness. and nonsense. And so those kind of things don't impact me at all. But there is times when they've called for, hey, this is happening with inflation. It's different than the numbers because they're economists. They're looking actual data. And I might put more money into savings than normal. I might not buy a big fancy thing or something like, right? But again, it comes back to, or I might be extra, extra, extra generous. My wife and I may have a conversation about we're going to be obnoxiously generous this month, right? But that, but again, it comes back to what can I actually do about this? Yeah, that makes sense. I might have a conversation with an actual politician.

I'm not going to post about something on social media because that's just about, that's, that's a whole, it's, it's a different thing. But if I, if I have concerns over a particular policy, I'm going to call somebody. Yeah. I'm going to go meet with folks, right? My wife may go March, right? Like, what can we actually do. We can go do these things. Yeah, awesome. Does that make sense? 100%. I appreciate the question, man. It's a great question. No, I appreciate your time. I should have led the call. I consider myself one of the OG-17.

You do. Yeah, and I've put a lot of the things you've taught into my marriage, and I know that it's made my marriage better, and so I really appreciate that. Well, I'm grateful for you, brother. I appreciate you being with us for so long, and hopefully I've gotten better over the last four or five years. I've got some, I actually had the woman who does most of my tattoos. She's designed an amazing rad OG17 shirt. And so I'm going to get them printed up here in the next month or two. It's pretty amazing what she came up with. But I appreciate you being with us.

And if you don't know what OG17 is, I'm sure AI will tell you. When we come back, a woman wonders, should she tell her ex-husband, she's found out he's taking pills again. Some of my favorite days in the world are getting out on the water with my son, my daughter, my wife, all of us. We all love fishing. Just casting our lines and spending time together, laughing, splashing, and usually not catching anything. And if you fish, you know this. Glare on the water can be brutal for your eyes.

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That's shadyrays.com. use code Deloney. All right, let's go out to Tampa, Florida and talk to Lindsay. Hey, Lindsay, what's up? Hi, who are you? I'm doing it all right. How about you? I'm doing good.

Excellent. What's going on? It's kind of a long, I'm going to try to make this as short as I can. My husband, he's my ex-husband now. We got divorced about two years ago because he had a problem with prescription pills. And he was abusing those. And I myself am 10 years sober. So I can't really, thank you. I really don't want that in my life and I don't want that kind of a lifestyle. And so I basically told him that he had to either leave or go to rehab. He went to rehab for three days. Then he got out. And then he

started using them again. And we ended up getting a divorce. and now we just got back together and I just found out that he's abusing him again. So I don't know if he ever really stopped. No. No. Why did you get back together? We have a seven-year-old son

and the way that, I mean, it seemed like he was clean and my son loves that we're back together. Your son loves the idea. idea of y'all being back together. Yeah, yeah. But his nervous system is trying to attach to a father who's struggling with addiction. Did you grow up in a home like that?

I did, yeah. Yeah. Let's don't recreate that. Yeah. That's one of the reasons why I got sober. I have a 22-year-old daughter and she was the reason that I got sober. So I just hope that there is a reason for him to want to get clean, but I can't make him. Right.

Yeah, you've got to have the conversation that you found out he's using, you're using again, and the same boundaries still apply. He's unsafe to be around your son. Yeah. He's unsafe to be around you. You're worth more than this. Your son's worth more than this. And your ex is worth more than this. And I hate this for all of you.

I know. I hate it too. I thought this was over. I thought that we were getting a fresh start and I rebuilt my life. Can we call out what I think is a big pain here, like a deep hurt? That, and I don't want you to beat yourself up for this, okay? Because you're going to and I don't want you to. I'm trying to call it before it happens, but a priority is happening.

Yes, you're going to be disappointed. you're going to be heartbroken that he's using again. You're going to be heartbroken that your son is going to have to not be around his father. You're heartbroken that you're going to have to go through all of this breakup and pain, separation, all that again. But underneath all of that, is that nagging question,

can I trust me? Because I did it again. And I want you to give yourself some grace and compassion for trying to seek reconciliation, trying to seek wholeness, trying to keep your family together. You wanting this to be true doesn't make you a bad person, okay? Right. It doesn't make you an untrustworthy person.

If you know this to be true and if you know that we're right back in the same cycle again, if you know that it's unsafe and unwise for your son and for you to be around this guy who's struggling with addiction so badly, and you do nothing about it, then you are a person you can't count on. you can't trust because you don't keep your promises to yourself. Mm-hmm. But I think you're a trustworthy person. I think you're going to keep your promises to yourself. Yeah.

And your son. Yeah, that was one of my things if he would have just been honest and told me, hey, I'm struggling. Yeah, but you've been around people struggling with addiction your whole life. I mean, that's, they don't tell the truth. They can't. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Right? It's like telling somebody with the stomach virus. Like if they would just stop throwing up, like, it's part of it. It's part of it, right? Yeah. Lying is like part of it. Yeah. It's part of it.

Yeah. And so many things you wanted to be true, I get it. And they're not. Mm-hmm. So we have to deal with that reality. We have to choose reality and then do the next right hard, hard, hard things. And we're going to resist the urge to tell our son, dad's screwed up again. And we're going to say dad's still sick.

Right. They're not going to talk bad about our ex as much. as we want to, especially not to our son. Right. And by the way, you can be your husband, your ex's number one cheerleader, which is the way to love your son, by the way, is to see him rooting for your dad. And that doesn't mean you'll have to get back together. Okay. And can I tell you through all this help? Just so proud of you I am for staying sober and clean through all this mess. Thank you. Yeah. How often are those old demons come hollering? Once in a while, but mine was alcohol and he does prescription pills.

So, I mean, that was never my cup of tea. But watching somebody else destroy their life is very upsetting. Yeah. And watching it is, I mean, it's going to sound horrible, but it's disgusting. Yeah. It's not horrible at all. Watching somebody else be like that. And watching a young child trying to hug a ghost.

Mm-hmm. And somebody can't pick their eyelids up? Yeah. Yeah, nodding out all the time. Ah, dude. Yeah. Get your son away from that stuff. Yeah, dad's sleeping again.

Yeah. Get your son away from that. Because he's going to try to backfill that and solve that problem, and that's not his to solve. He's going to be mad at you. He's going to be upset with you. I don't know. Who knows what your ex is going to say about you?

Right. All of that is part of the hard, hard, gritty. You know, stub your toe on the con. concrete kind of pain and grit that it takes to be a parent. Mm-hmm. I hate this for you. Yeah, me too. But thanks for calling.

Thanks for doing the next right, hard thing. I'm proud of you. I'm really, really proud of you. And I'll walk with you anytime you want. Call me back anytime, okay? I'm really grateful for you. We need more parents to go all in on reconciliation and also be willing to wade through the grief and the heartache

and still do the next right, hard, hard thing. This show is sponsored by Better Help. Financial stress does not just damage your bank account. It can also take a toll on your mental health, your emotional health, and your relationships. Money worries cause anxiety, and they're one of the leading sources of conflict for couples. I know this personally.

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and schedule sessions right in the platform. And if the first therapist isn't a good fit, can switch at any time for no additional cost. When life feels super overwhelming, therapy can help. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, help.com slash deloni. All right, Kelly, am I the problem? All right, this is from Candace in Edmond, Oklahoma, and she writes. I'm a married mom of three, 14, 12, and 9,

and I have planned every single family vacation we've ever taken. I've returned to school and asked my husband in January to plan something for spring break. Well, spring break starts tomorrow and we have no plans. I know I could plan something, but I am drained and feel like he should take the reins on, in capital letters, at least one trip. The childish side of me wants to dig in my heels and not plan anything until he does it. But at this point, who knows how long it will take before that happens. Quality time is my love language, so I have clearly expressed to him my expectations and desires.

I have a very hard time accepting his, I am not a planner, or I am not as good as this as you are, stances. Should I give in and accept the family vacations or my burden alone, or should I hold out until he plans something? Oh, read it that last sentence again, that last question? Should I give in and accept that family vacations are my burden alone, or, should I hold out until he plans something? I think neither of those are a good option. Both of those are like, I'm going to take my ball and go home, or I'm going to stand in the middle of the street and just with my arms crossed.

Neither of those are helpful. So in these kind of moments, I always want to start with the mirror, be reflective. Okay, so here's what I mean by that. In the past, if he has planned something and think back to the earliest stages of your relationship, was his plans met with, I didn't like this, why did you pick this rest of I didn't like it here. This wasn't fun or I wish we should have gone. Like so has he learned implicitly or explicitly that you don't like his plans?

That's number one. Number two, has it ever occurred to you that his love language may be just being at home and chilling with the family? Or number three, has he heard you say over the last few months over and over and over again? I'm so tired. I just want to sleep. I just want to rest. I just want to chill.

I just want to sleep. I just want to rest. I just want to chill. And he thinks, I'm stretching here, guys, I know. He thinks, ah, the greatest spring break ever for her is we're just going to chill as a family. I'll take care of meals this week. Maybe.

So we're going to go to the mirror first and ask if any of those things might be true. Because if they are, they're going to frame the way we have this conversation. Next, we're going to have a conversation, which is, hey, at spring break, I asked you to plan this and a and you hear me talk about this framework all the time now i don't see that we have any plans that we're traveling into we're not going anywhere the story i'm choosing to make up is you just don't care enough about us going on vacation together you don't care about how much this means to me this makes me feel less than it makes me feel like all of this falls on me like everything else around here and so here's what i want to be different and give him a chance to respond to those

stories, give him a chance to respond to your feelings. And he might then say, man, I'm sorry, I blew it. I forgot. He might say, I want to be able to do this, but every time I've planned something in the past, five years ago, 10 years ago, 15 years ago, all you did was complain about it. You don't like the things I like to do. And you like to have everything just the right way. And I don't know how to do that. Or, or, or, or. Let's have that real conversation and get to the bottom of, I gave you this, I asked you to do this thing for us and you just didn't. Also, when we ask our spouse, hey, I want you to plan the vacation. Man, that's a, you have a picture of what vacation is.

They have a picture of what vacation is. You're both using the word vacation and you all have very different pictures. A much more helpful approach is I usually plan all of our trips. I'm overwhelmed and busy and exhausted. I want you to take the lead in planning vacation. Here's the picture I have in my head. I want to hear the picture you have in your head. Let's align pictures.

And then people can go plan those things together. Does that take a little bit extra work? Yes, but it takes away all of the mental drain of all the feelings you're having on top of all the work you have to do, on top of your school schedule, on top of being a mom and a wife, is also this feeling of, he doesn't care about me, he doesn't love me. this all falls on me. That's exhausting.

Let's have the upfront conversation aligning pictures, and then we can have a roadmap for where we're going to go. Is that less Hollywood? Yep. Is it more practical? Yep. Does it get you what you want, which is a plugged-in husband and engaged husband in a vacation?

Yep, yep, and yep. So that's my thoughts. What do you think, Kelly? I think that's right. I don't think she's the problem or not the problem here. They're just not communicating well. He may suck. He may be the worst.

Like, they may have this conversation, and he's like, nope, just didn't do it. I didn't do it, sorry. And then she has to decide, is she going to just be like, you know what, this is just something I take on or to deal with it? She has a choice to make at that point. My husband's not the planner. I know that.

That's my forte. I love doing it. But I also know that if I asked him to, he would step up and help. Of course. Yeah. And, like, my wife and I were talking recently, the heart of the heart. part I think about being a parent and a spouse is that you feel both things at the same time. She was talking about how I was writing the chapter on being married with children.

And we're talking about the early days when she was, when Hank had just been born, my son, and she was feeding Hank in the middle of the night. And she said, I remember feeling so overwhelmed, so tired, I couldn't breathe. And also, if you had come in and said, I'm taking this feeding, I would have stabbed you because that was my special only us two time. And so she's like the hard part was I was both of those, I was feeling them both at the same time. And so the hard part is I really like planning.

I like being in control of these vacations. I like everything a certain way, like staying in a certain place, eating certain meals. And also I'm so exhausted right now. Sometimes it's just feeling both of them and not trying to outsource both feelings onto somebody, but just taking ownership of them.

It's sometimes, in this case, husband's just a lazy bum and he's to get off his butt and plan something awesome. You know what your wife likes. You know what you can make phone calls and arrangements. Stop being a whiny brat and just get it done. So sometimes it's all of it. But anyway, yeah, don't just fold your arms up and be like, huh, and don't say, I'm taking my ball and going home. Don't be like that. Put it on the table.

Let this conflict be a point of connection for both of you. Let it finally get to the thing beneath the thing, beneath the thing, which is where you say, here's the story as I'm making up, and here's how I feel, and here's what I really want to be different next time. Love you guys, bye.