The Dr. John Delony Show - I’m Miserable in My Marriage

Episode Date: May 30, 2022

In today’s episode, we’re talking with a woman worried about telling her roommate she’s buying a gun, a young woman struggling with her family relationships after her stepdad molested her as a child, and a wife wondering if divorce is the only option for her and her husband. Lyrics of the Day: "HOLIDAY" - Turnstile Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I didn't tell anyone for about a year. And when I did tell my mom, she didn't believe me. You know, she asked me the typical questions like, what were you wearing? So you have the initial trauma and then you turn to the one remaining adult in your life and say, help. And she says, what were you wearing? Whoa! in your life and say, help. And she says, what were you wearing? Woo! What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad that you're with us. I hope you're well. I hope your family's doing good. I hope you're doing well. And in all the madness

and all the chaos and all the inflation and all the frustration and anger and all the stuff. I hope you are finding the light. Little glimpses. And some of you are just like, ah, done with this podcast. Too happy for me. Then it's especially for you. Jeez Louise. Okay, so this is pretty rad.

I'm old. We all know this. Saturday night, my buddy is like, hey, we're going to see Deftones. You want to come? And I thought to myself, I haven't been mosh pitting in years. And so I went. And I stayed up too late. And I ran around with a bunch of Hot Topic kids.

And it was incredible. They threw it down. It was incredible. They put on, they threw it down. It was awesome. And on the way, my friend's 18-year-old son, he's in college, a 19-year-old son, put in a CD or not a CD, that's me because I'm 100, scrolled on his iPhone through one of the newfound, these newfangled apps, they call them,

and went to Spotify and had a, introduced me to a new band. And it is really rare that I get into new bands. And this one, dude. Then turns out, hey, they're playing here on Tuesday. And my friend Pete's like, I got an extra ticket. And it had sold out in like a 30, dude, I had two mosh pit shows in like four days.

And let me tell you this. My wife, I came home, I'm tired. You can hear my voice. I maybe did a little bit of mosh pit yelling and some singing. And by singing, I mean, screaming my love is awesome. And my wife says, you got a glow about you.

And I said, I know I'm 22 again. And she's like, how about we don't do that again? Because that wasn't great for any of us. But go find something that brings you joy. Whether it's running around with a thousand people smashing into them or it's knitting or gardening or picking up trash in your neighborhood, playing your guitar, get that thing out. It's been under your bed forever. And you were going to like play some John Mayer to whatever, get it out, play it. Go make a move. Whatever you need to do. Go find joy.

Go find beauty. It's a messy, messy time. It's up to you to go find it. It's not coming to you. All right, let's go to Elizabeth. Oh, by the way, the band's called Turnstile. I figured,

I was like, it's the best ever. You got to check them out. All right, next caller. That wasn't very nice. Turnstile. Listen, and you internet mean people. I don't know anything about this band. I don't listen to their words. I think

they're lovely. They may be mean. Everybody relax. All right, let's go to Elizabeth in Columbia, South Carolina. What's up, Elizabeth? How we doing? Hi, Dr. John. It's so great to talk to you. It is super great to talk to you. What's up? Alright, so topic of my question is on gun ownership. Oh, cool. We're just going to come out we're going to slow roll this one out of the gate. Way to go. Alright, let's talk guns. Straight to the point. Let's talk guns.

Gun ownership and how to approach the topic of bringing guns into the house with my roommate. Okay. Need some backstory. Back it up. Alright, so context. So I run a house with my roommates. Okay. Need some backstory. Back it up. All right. So context. So I run a house with three other girls.

You know, we're great friends. We've known each other for a while. Part of the same church community. We're great together. And recently I found out that one of them actually has a history of having guns as like a hobby, like her family's really into it. And when I found out that, I was really excited because I've been wanting to learn about how to shoot for a while now. And so when we both found out that we were interested, we got really excited. We talked about potentially, you know, buying our own guns in the future and going and she, her teaching me how to shoot and that's

going to the range and just having a good time like that. The issue that we've come across is we don't know how to approach that topic with our other two roommates, like whether or not we need to even disclose that we're getting guns at all, if we don't even plan on giving them any access to them, or if we need to have a roommate meeting prior, or I just wanted to get your opinion on that and think about if there's any other factors I'm not taking into consideration. So I got so many questions. This is fantastic. Okay. Trying to think of how to start. So let me frame it this way. And this is me talking to you.

This is me also talking to the audience just to give them some context. I'm the son of a homicide detective who was born and raised in Texas. And I had one of my therapy professors, my counseling professors, she, Dr. Marbley says, gave me some wisdom that was so great. She said, she's from Chicago and then she's a professor in Texas. And she said, problem with talking about guns is we talk past each other. Because in Texas, and I'm using Texas in South Carolina and wherever, right? Alabama, whatever you want to say. Regionally, grandmother will have a small gun in her purse.

It's just kind of like, I don't know anybody in my life. I do now, but at the time, I didn't know anybody in my life that didn't have a shotgun in their house. It's just a way of being. And then she said in Chicago, I didn't know anybody that had guns that wasn't involved in some sort of crime, right? And, of course, this is 15 years ago, 10 years ago, so that's changed. But she said, so when somebody in one part of the country hears about guns, they instantly have a picture of a bad person. In the other part of the country, when somebody mentions guns,

they instantly have a picture of their grandma. And so we end up with different pictures. We use the same words. We're talking about guns and gun ownership and what should we do, and we talk past each other. And so I've been around guns my whole life. I have a bunch, right? Not a bunch, like I'm not an arsenal guy,

but that's, and I've cleaned brains off of a bathroom wall before. And I have hugged mothers. And I have been after shootings. And I've helped be a part of SWAT training exercises. So there is a stark reality to the other side of this thing. Okay? And I think both sides of the conversation get lost. I'm so grateful that you're asking this question because I think there's a different way to have this conversation than we've been having. So let me ask you, I got two questions. One's

going to fully answer your question. The other one is kind of a diversion here. First question is, there's something about your other two roommates that you know they won't like this or you wouldn't even be asking me this question. So what's your concern with bringing it up? Okay, so with one of the two, I'm like 99% sure she'll be fine with it because she's just a level-headed person in general. She's even disclosed that she has a stun gun

that she keeps on her in her room just for safety reasons. Okay. The other one, she actually has, I know it used to be called Asperger's. I know they don't really use that term anymore, but basically high-functioning autism. Okay. And we've had some issues in the past with just her getting overly emotionally stimulated about certain things coming on in the house. And we just had some issues with that.

So we aren't really sure how she would react to even the thought of there being a gun in the same house where she is. Okay. So I don't think if somebody chooses for them and their household that they don't want to have a gun in there, that doesn't mean they're not level-headed. I think that's fine. Right. I think that's a super personal choice. I think hysteria on either side of the conversation is where you get into the level-headed conversation. But if someone chooses, like, I'm just not for me.

I don't want that in my home. I don't want the risk. The risk statistically is infinitely more likely that you're going to hurt yourself with your own weapon than you're going to actually like pew, pew a bad guy. That's just reality. And there's also some data out there that suggests that when people are armed in a community, the crime goes down because everybody knows like I'm not going to mess around. So it's both and. We need to keep having this conversation. So let me back out one step further. Why do you want one?

Do you want to go – I've got some buddies that they don't play golf. They shoot trap. They go to the range. They shoot skeet. They have these fancy shotguns, and that's just what they do. That's just their thing. Or they are distance shooters. They're scope shooters, and they, like, will sit there all day, and they dial in these things, and they got these cards for elevation and wind, and they do all this stuff.

And they like to shoot. There's something about the power of it all and the concentration and the focus, all the stuff. It just becomes like a thing, right, like a hobby. They like to reload their own bullets. And then there's other friends of mine who are former military or police officers or people that just have guns. They're around guns. They know how to use them. And they are more bent towards

personal defense. And if something goes down, I want to make sure we're good. And then I've got my other friends that watch way, way, way too much John Wick. Way too much. And they watch way too much news. And they're like, if he goes down, I'm going to get on my horse and get a sword

and have my red dot ready to... And they're insane. They're my friends, but they're bonkers, right? So why do you think that you want to have it? Is it something fun? Is it exciting? Or is it a self-defense thing? Or is it a fantasy thing?

What is it? Mainly, I just... I'm interested in like the sport of it. Like the first example you gave, just like going to the range, that thing, you know, you shooting, that focus and concentration. I've always been interested in that. Not so much like self-defense or just like crazy John Wick fantasy. Okay. So what I would recommend here, and this may be a controversial statement, whatever, I don't care. I think every single human being should have some sort

of training on how to handle a weapon. Even if it's to simply unload one really quickly, and it takes one and a half, I mean, it takes less than a half second to unload a gun, to how they work. I think that's important. How to handle one, if you ever had to pull the trigger. It's very, very different if you've never done it than it looks like on TV.

And so I actually think that's wise. I think that's good. I think there's some steps between going to buy a really expensive fancy gun, and all guns are expensive these days, versus, hey, we're going to start going to the range and you can rent a range gun when you're there and they'll teach you how to work it or you can take classes where they'll let you use weapons when you're there. I think there's some steps in between. The bigger question is, let's take guns off. And these are like when I get questions about, you know, transgender issues or abortion issues or gun.

I want to take the issue off the table for a second and just come back to you have a value or a belief or a desire or a need one of those four things and you are feeling uncomfortable living in your own home so the conversation is less about guns right now and it's more about about, as you described it, I've got a roommate who gets overly emotional about certain things, and I'm increasingly uncomfortable because I can't even bring up this. I can't even broach a conversation. And when I find myself in my home and I can't even have a conversation about it, then what do I have? I've got secrets, and secrets turn to resentment, and you hear me say that all the time resentment turns to ash And then the whole thing becomes a mess and then it's not about guns at all gun become the proxy war for I don't like you

I don't want to live with you because I can't quote unquote be myself. I can't tell the truth in my own house Am I onto something there? Yeah, what's there's another there's probably something else besides guns that you don't want to talk to her about what is it? Just pick one. There's probably something else besides guns that you don't want to talk to her about. What is it? Just pick one. There's probably several. I mean, it's living with someone who has

that high-functioning autism. It's taught me a lot about how to put the needs of others above my own. I'm really grateful for that because it's taught me how to be a lot more humble person. Like there are certain arrangements in the house. We've had,

there are certain arrangements in the house that you have to make. Like she, like, can we have to park our cars in a certain place in the drive through because she has a certain preference for where her car gets parked and her, the kitchen has to be arranged a certain way. And I have no problem with that. It's just, it's gotten a bit much at certain times

that I've had to go through that with her. So what I don't want, a couple of things. You can honor her as your friend and as a woman with autism, and you can say, I'm going to choose to not live here all of that can be true at the same time okay and the what I don't want you to do is

I don't want to blow your house up over the gun issue because I don't think guns are the issue if you guys want to go shooting I think that's fantastic I think everybody should go take a class I fully believe that and I'm also a safety zealot when it comes to guns in my own house. I'm a lunatic about the safety of it, right? So I think it's all both hand. I think the real challenge here is you've got a roommate that y'all are starting to get tense with, and I don't want the quote

unquote gun issue to be the thing that breaks you up. I'd rather, here's my needs now. My needs are when I get home from work, the thought of, oh God, I parked the car in the wrong direction, in the wrong space. I want to choose to not live like that. And so guys, in four or five months, I'm going to start slowly looking for, it's a new place for me and for, or for me and roommate X. And that'd be great for us. It's gonna be great for y'all. We're still friends, all that. I'm gonna start, I'm gonna start leaning that way. This is a conversation to have and rents are crazy expensive. So you may have to find other room. That's fine. Or you can sit down and to your, with your autistic roommate and say, Hey, these are really important things to you. These are really important things to me.

And we have to come to some sort of consensus because we're living together. And what I'll tell you is I've worked with innumerable high-functioning autistic folks that hear that and get that. And I've seen some extraordinary steps people have taken to say, okay, I don't understand what you're feeling.

I can't process what you're feeling. I can't process what you're feeling, but I trust that you're telling me the truth. And so I'm going to act differently. I'm going to go see my cars parked in the wrong spot and I'm going to feel it all over my body. And then I'm going to choose to, you see what I'm saying? So it's, it's putting your needs above other people's important and also speaking your needs out and being heard explicitly is important too. See what I'm saying? Yeah. So what are you going to do?

I might talk this over with the other roommate who's interested and we can see about whether or not. I mean, arrange a meeting with the other two and just see what their thoughts are. I have been in some rooms with folks with autism that when they felt ganged up on, the alarms got real, real loud. Is there a way you could go have coffee with your roommate? Yeah. And say, how are you feeling? Just one-on-one. Yeah, that would be better is that similar to your situation that when everybody

kind of starts saying yeah and yeah that all of a sudden man then your autistic roommate gets real defensive oh yeah definitely I think a more humane approach might be just one on one tell me what you're thinking about tell me how you've seen our relationship over the last.

And the beauty of not all, but some highly functioning autistic folks is they're incredibly logical and analytical. It's wonderful. Because we can really, like you have your needs and I have mine, and they are starting to butt up against each other. Are there places where we can compromise together? I think that's a incredible next step. And if you think of it this way, you'll be giving your roommate a gift too. You'll be giving yourself a huge gift, which is finally letting your needs be spoken before there's a fight. Because when you have a fight, they're going to explode. And it's going to be like, you stupid liberal and you dumb conservative. And we're not even fighting about that.

The sadness is I have to hide in my own house. And you don't want to do that anymore. And that's totally respectable. And yes, go to the range. Go take a class. I think that'd be important. I think that'd be a lot of fun. And make sure you get a good coach and make sure y'all are really safe.

And don't watch too much John Wick. It's just, if you have a sword and a horse, for sure, you need to take out some guys on motorcycles. Other than that, let's just back off to John Wick. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change,

and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new homebuyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the homebuying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their home buyer edge program

will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash Diloni and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we are back. Hey, James, hold on. I'm getting my cellular device out here.

So last night, I told you all in the intro, we went to see these new kids that were just incredible. It was a hardcore show. It was fantastic, Turnstile was the name of the band, and the show sold out like in eight seconds, like a year ago, and then there was a couple tickets, as always happens, that floated up, and last night, it was late, it was late, it was like 8 30, or 8, I texted James, I was like, dude, we got one more, come, and James responded with, sounds epic, but I can't, and I said, and this is all I'm reading this. I said, come on. And he says, there's a all caps, really good rerun of Gilmore Girls on tonight.

And that's all he wrote. I was hoping the sarcasm came through. It did not. Here was awesome. I didn't know. And I thought, that's a good friend. Actually, I had it on my calendar for months, that show. And then I like deleted it this week because I knew I wouldn't be able to go. So I was pretty sad. And I was hiding my sadness with sarcasm as you sometimes do. I do that on a

regular basis. And can I also tell you, you made a terrible choice. There's a few moments you're like, all right, I'm going to hop in an Uber And just be across town It was that good It was that good And there were fenders everywhere Not that band, the Openers There were fenders everywhere There's enough for your little fendery heart

So good Alright, let's go to Savannah in Dallas What's up, Savannah? Hi, how are ya? We're rocking and rolling How's it going? Good, good, thank you How's rocking and rolling. How's it going? Good. Good, thank you.

How's Dallas? Is it 1,000 degrees already? Yes, summers are humid and hot, you know. Yes. Well, welcome to it. So how are we doing? How can I help? Good.

I just have a question. I wanted to know how and when do I tell my 14-year-old little sister that about 13 years ago, her dad sexually assaulted me? Oh, geez, man. Do you feel comfortable sharing the story? Yeah, about what happened? Mm-hmm. Yes.

I was about eight years old. We were sitting on the couch, my entire family, my stepdad, me, my little sister. She was a newborn at this time. And my mom. And we were all sleeping except for him. And I woke up to him. That's good. That's good.

That's good. That's good. That's good. Yeah. I woke up. And yeah, that's it. I'm so sorry. Thank you.

Man. Like the, like the, I'm sorry. That makes my, I have to take a breath. I'm taking a breath. You're the strong one here. I'm taking a breath. That it has a, I have a, uh, instant response that I have to exhale through sometimes on those. Um, thank you for sharing that. Um, so where's,

where's that dude now? Um, living his life, not too far away from me. Um, he and my sister, they still have a supervised relationship. He's, from what I can tell, a good dad to her by their knee and everything that she wants, you know? It's not a good dad, but such it is. Did your parents, how did your, how did, when you, did you tell, walk me through post what happens afterwards? I didn't tell anyone for about a year and after it happened. And when I did tell my mom, she didn't believe me. You know, she asked me the typical questions like, what were you wearing?

I was in like night pants. So she told me that he wouldn't have done that if I was wearing pants. And he wouldn't have done that with my mom sitting on the couch, sleeping right next to us. And she asked him and he said he would never do anything. And so it wasn't until many years later, I couldn't stand being in the same house as him anymore. And I kind of forced my mom's hand. And she got us out. Man.

So you have the initial trauma, which is wrong. It's evil. Scorched earth. And then you turn to the one remaining adult in your life and say, help. And she says, what were you wearing? Mm-hmm. in your life and say, help. And she says, what were you wearing? So that's trauma on top of a trauma. And then you got to go home every day to a tiger that had already damn near killed you once. And you had to go home to that every day.

Yeah, that was the hardest part. Listen, hon, all of this was the hardest part. I don't want to take away your story from you. All of this was the hardest part. Your mama should have believed you. She should have got you out of there. And probably, I mean, this is unfair to say, my dream for you would have been that you would have had a relationship with her

that you would have felt safe coming that next day. That's not the 14-year-old. There's no fault there on the 14-year-old. That's an ecosystem issue. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And that tells me there was already challenges in that home. When you say you forced her hand, what does that look like?

Because she wouldn't have just left. She had to have known there was other issues going on. I called her one day and I just told her I couldn't take it anymore. And if she didn't do something for me I would call the police personally and so she came home from work and that's when we packed our stuff and left and all this stuff. Does that mean she had to have known he's abusive and other stuff was going on?

If she really didn't believe you she wouldn't have left. Yeah I mean I'm not sure if she did or if she didn't want me taking matters into my own hands. She always said that she believes that I believe it happened. Oh, my gosh, dude. That's the most dismissive, re-traumatizing thing.

Wow. Does she still defend that dude, huh? Yes. She talks to him nearly every day I don't say this lightly And if you've listened to this show for a long time You know I don't say this lightly You gotta get away from your mom And I know that feels like the only lifeline you got left

But I need you to hear me say it's killing you Me and my mom, we have a pretty good relationship. I know, but listen, listen. We pretend that it didn't happen. But it did. And as the great Vandercolk says, your body's keeping the score every time you're around her. Every conversation,

every time you pretend something's not happening, every time she like diverts from where, um, where she was or who she's on phone with when you called. I'm so sorry. So when it comes to, I bet you got a, uh, you better not tell anyone. Have you got a You better not tell anyone Have you got that? Yes I was to never tell anybody And especially not my sister

Man So you've heard me Here's what I know Your mother knows something's off something doesn't right here and the you better never tell anybody is almost always

a cornerstone of I know and I can't do life outside of this context and it wouldn't surprise me if your mom's got a story too. I got, I got some challenges too. Wow. Gosh, what a mess. So there, I, here's the deal. I will not hold secrets for people. I won't. If somebody has, if I'm has I'll hold confidentiality if a friend of mine calls and says

hey my marriage is falling apart I need some help I will never tell that stuff I'll go to the grave with those conversations if someone's like hey I got a secret I'm not holding that for you it's not my job or especially if someone says hey this evil was done to you you better not tell anybody

nope it's not how I work it's not how I work. It's not how I work. I'm not going to do that. Because I know the secret kills me. It saves the perpetrator and it kills me. The secrets wreak havoc on you physiologically. Heart attacks, cancer, stroke.

It kills you. Okay? So I'm not into the business of keeping mom's precious little secrets. And we'll get to sister. So why now? What about right now makes you want to go tell her? Well, I just had my first baby. I have a seven-month-old daughter. And now that I have her, things are much more real.

Now that I'm a mom myself, I just couldn't imagine being my own mom. Right. And so this stuff, this stops with you, right? Exactly. You're going to believe your daughter, right? Yes. Good for you. That you staring down a forest fire of trauma. Good for you. Thank you. Man. Okay, so, hey, you said it. This whole thing feels a lot more real. That's your body saying, hey, we remember this story. Little girls get hurt.

And then their worlds explode. And then their mom puts a lid on the explosion and makes them drink that exploded air and blames you for it. Your body remembers this story, and so every time you hold that baby little girl, or especially every time mom holds that little baby girl, or that little baby girl is in the presence of somebody else just sitting on a couch, your body will sound the alarms. Loud, right? And they feel like anxiety, and they feel like your stomach drops out from underneath you, and you want to withdraw, or you want to just go claw somebody's eyes out for seemingly no reason. That's your body saying, hey, we've done this before.

We've done this before. And this time we were bigger and we got muscles this time. Right. Right. Tell me why you want to tell your 14 year old sister. Well, I wasn't sure if i was going to ever tell her um and my partner is the one who has been really pushing me to work through this and um find what's right and how to do the right thing especially for my sister um my only problem is she has very severe anxiety um she's been medicated for it for many years now and she's only 14. So I'm just scared that this will like send her off the deep end. I don't know.

Yeah. So the two things I'm holding in tension right now, and I'm just going to process this out loud. So anybody listening to this, this is how I process this stuff in real time. Um, because I'm getting this story in real time. I knew a little bit about what this call was about. Um, not this level. So if you want to tell her just to tell her don't, or if you think you can tell her to finally get back at, don't. You won't get the cathartic moment that you think you're going to get. Okay? And I know that's hard to hear. The cathartic moment is the police.

And let's only be super honest with you. It's 13 years ago. And that's going to be a hard case unless he's got child pornography on his computer or a line of young girls comes forward and says, yeah, me too, me too, me too. It'd be tough, right? Especially when your own mom didn't jump the gun back in the day. Something tells me that she knows something, but again, that's another conversation.

Here's the other side of that tension. There's a 14 year old girl in the home of a known sexual predator. And that's the part I'm not okay with. Right. Well, I mean, it's always supervised, which leads me to believe that my mom

Does know something Yes Yes So Have you gone to talk to somebody? No Okay You have to

Yeah, I think so I'm telling you, because I love you You have to. Yeah, I think so. I'm telling you because I love you. And I think you're doing heroic things right now. And I need you to hear me that on the other end of this, there is healing that can happen. And your life is going to look different. Okay? But going along as you're going along is a recipe for burning out.

And when you get tired and you get exhausted of, from holding your mom's fake nonsense together and trying to protect yourself from a woman who should have believed you and she didn't. And also knowing that your little sister goes to visit with a sexual predator every couple of days, even though it's supervised and, and, and, and,

and you got this little baby, this little baby girl, the greatest gift you can give this little baby girl is a healed mom. Absolutely. Okay. So you need to tell the story. And if you run and tell it to a 14-year-old now, it's A, it's not going to help you, and B, yes, things can be tough on her. So generally speaking, if I'm going to go have a conversation like that

with a 14-year-old girl, I'm going to bring a professional in. I'm going to call the school counselor, and I'm going to have one or two or three same-gendered people in their life that are adults, not kids, that can be a resource for them same gendered people in their life that are adults, not kids. Okay. That can be a resource for them

when their world falls apart, which it will. And when it does, that is not the person's, that's not your fault. The person's fault it is, is the sexual perpetrator that hurts kids.

It's the mother who didn't believe her daughter. That's the villain in the story. Not you for telling the truth. Not you for saying I'm not keeping these secrets. Okay. Every bit of the story will come back to that. You blew things up. You did this. That's what I'm scared of. Hey, listen, it's a hundred percent common. And that's what I'm telling you. You need to get away from your mom. You think you've made peace. So you hear, here's the deal.

We talk about fight or flight. You've heard that before? Yes. Okay. And there's fight, flight, and freeze. There's one more that we don't talk about very often. You know what it's called? Fawn, F-A-W-N.

It's when you nuzzle up next to the person. And sometimes this is, you can sexually nuzzle up next to the person. And sometimes this is, you can sexually nuzzle up to somebody. I can placate them or, which is a common trauma response. Somebody abuses you. And so what do you do? You get closer because it's safer when I'm in here closer. Or you nuzzle up relationally and you make peace.

You concede your own body, your own safety, so that the illusion of connection can remain. And your body's keeping the score. And what I want for you is, I want you to go home and go to sleep. I want you to hand your daughter off to somebody that you trust and feel full of joy that that person gets to enjoy the beauty of your daughter, not terror. I want you to be able to go on a date with your husband and leave your daughter with somebody and be able to breathe. When you're out, I want you to be able to breathe.

Right? Yeah, I always wonder if one day my daughter sees her as a trusted adult and she tells her something that needs to be reported or needs to be told to me, will she? Has she learned her lesson? Who? My mom. Like, can she be a trusted adult to my daughter? You've got to let that fantasy go, sister.

She showed you what she's made of. Mm-hmm. And I'm sorry for that, because you deserved better than that. Mm-hmm. I can get choked up on your behalf. You deserved better. I got a little girl, too. I got a six-year-old.

Mm-hmm. You deserve better than that. Yeah, I know. And I'm sorry. The great thing you can do now is make sure your daughter doesn't have that. You can make sure your daughter knows she is anchored in. Right? Yeah, absolutely. And that starts with you getting the healing that you need. Mm-hmm. Probably your partner's going to need to join you on some of this too because there's going to be some

relational dynamics that will shift and will be hard. And you got to stop trying to hold this thing together because it's imaginary and it's painful and it's duct taped and the string is really starting to fray around the edges, right? Yes, it is. Yeah. And I'm the only one holding it together. That's right.

And it's not your job. It's your mom's job. It's that piece of crap guy who abused you's job. Not the little girl. And the way this will be told, the story that will be told, will roll all the way back to that six or seven-year-old little girl, that this was your fault. And Savannah, hear me say this, this is not your fault. Thank you. That's very nice to hear. No, no, no, no. It's not very nice. It's true. Okay? Very nice to hear is your lawn looks nice.

I like what you did with the mulch in the garden. That's, that's not, it's, it's, I'm telling you, this one's not on you. The healing is, it's your steps to take. Here's the thing today, today, open up your phone book and call a counselor. Call BetterHelp if you need to, and we've got links there that we can hook you up. Call somebody today, okay? I think this one needs to be in person. If I need to call somebody,

you can go meet with in person. Pay what you gotta pay. Move some budget money around. Make this thing happen because you're worth it. And start to tell this story. Okay? And work with your counselor on telling the 14-year-old. It makes me feel a little bit better that all the visits are supervised.

And if she's got that level of protection right now, that she's not just being fed a predator, to a predator right now, that makes me feel a little bit better. Okay? Right. Not a whole lot, to a predator right now, that makes me feel a little bit better, okay? Right. Not a whole lot, but a little bit. Work through that with your counselor, okay? And you're looking at about a year probably, okay? It's not quick.

Oh, okay. Yes, you're looking at about a year, okay? You're gonna have to learn how to do life differently because you have been ready to fight or run for your whole life. You don't even know what peace feels like, sister. Mm-hmm. It's a common theme

in pretty much every uncomfortable scenario in my life is I revert back to feeling that same feeling of kind of just run and hide. Yes. Because the one person that was supposed to have your back didn't. And then you went to the other, for sure one person that's going to have your back and she didn't. And that little six-year-old girl knew at that moment,

you are on your own. You can't sleep deeply. You can't get super connected relationally. You are on your own. You can't sleep deeply. You can't get super connected relationally. You are on your own. You're tending to the fire and making clothes and making sure that we don't get attacked. And nobody can handle that. No physical body, B-O-D-Y, can handle that. And so when I say, I'm sorry you've been carrying this so much, I'm sorry you've been carrying this so much. I'm sorry you've been carrying this so much. This is professional help level stuff. And it's going to be a process.

You're going to have to relearn how to live. And you're going to have to change the oil while the car's still driving, right? Because you've got a little one, right? And you're worth every single step of the way. Thank you so, so much for being brave. Call us back on the way. I'm walking with you through this whole thing. Call me anytime. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as

Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever look it's costume season and if we're being honest A lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to we do this at work We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself

and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule.

You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Let's go to Shante in Philadelphia. What's up, Shante? How we doing? slash Deloney. All right, we are back.

Let's go to Shante in Philadelphia. What's up, Shante? How we doing? Good. How are you, Dr. Deloney? Good. Were you born and raised in the playgrounds where you spent most of your days? Oh, my gosh.

Such a cliche. Yes, I was. Very cool. All right, so what's up? How can I help? So I feel a little guilty about making this call. Last night, I was going to call you about how horrible my marriage has been, but last night my husband tried to make amends with me.

He hugged me, kissed me, told me a lot of the times he was overreacting, was through the childhood trauma, and that we're going to be all right. We just got to keep working at it. But I'm still going to go ahead with my question. I just feel a little guilty and apprehensive now. So my issue is how do you make a marriage work? Like when it's been in turmoil for months and it's just exhausting and draining and it seems like they're both are like always on different paths, even though like it's to reach the same common goal. It just seems like they're both always on different paths. Even though it's to reach the same common goal,

it just seems like they're always in a different world. Number one, thank you for being brave. And you're welcome to feel guilty. It's your right to feel guilty. I hope you won't. Okay? One night of basic human emotion, one evening of basic fidelity, if you would, like emotional fidelity, being honest with you,

doesn't make up for months, if not years of instability. Okay. And so I don't want you to feel guilty. Can I tell you something honest? Yeah. Last night, based on your question just now, last night feels more like a move than an honest,

reflective, things got to change around here. Am I wrong? I'm happy. I would love to be wrong. That feels like a narcissist. You know, I hate,

if you listen to the show, I hate saying the word narcissist because I have no business diagnosing anybody. So I don't mean the diagnostic terms, but that's a classic narcissist move, which is beat up, beat up, beat up, blame you, gaslight you for like, well, you're just overreacting. Why are you so mad?

You should be lucky to have me. And then there's the, I'm so sorry, baby. I had some stuff happen to me. It's not my fault. It happened to me and I'm going to fix it. And then it goes right back. Tell me I'm wrong. Please.

I'd love to be wrong. I was thinking, did he get a hold of my email? No, I hadn't seen your email. No, it was like my husband. I'm thinking, did he see I was coming on the show phone and just decided to throw in the red flag? But I'm like, no, he didn't see. He has like different passwords. So, yeah, it did seem odd, like the timing.

It was like, I've been waiting for months for this. And it just, right before, like last night, literally before I was supposed to wake up and take this call. So I don't. Okay, I'm going to flip things around on you, okay? Okay. To answer your question, you don't. You cannot make a relationship work when everybody's on the same, on different pages. When you have secrets from each other, you got to hide stuff from one another.

I don't tell him that stuff because that sets him off. I got these passwords because I can't trust him with this. I don't want him seeing that. It doesn't work, period. You have to, to make this thing work, be on the same page. When you said, I've been waiting for this for months, if nothing else on this call, I want you to hear me say, never, ever wait again. You're worth more than that, Shante. And what I mean by that is just waiting for somebody to quote unquote,

figure it out or come around is that's how you end up in all of a sudden a decades gone by and you have two kids and another one on the way and you're like, who am I and what happened? And I wanted to be a doctor and now I'm working part time. You know what I mean?

Your life just slips through your fingers while you're waiting on somebody else to meet your needs that you didn't speak out loud. And so hear me say as firmly as I can, you are worth your needs being spoken out loud. And you may have never even seen that. You don't have a picture of what that even looks like in your mind, so I'll give you one.

That looks like he goes off on you. He's angry. And you say, I'm gonna stop us right now. You or anybody will not talk to me in a disrespectful tone. You will treat me with respect. I'm gonna step out and I'm gonna go for a walk around the block

and I'll be back in a minute. And we're gonna do this again later. Or I'm gonna take a couple of days and I going to go stay with my mom and then I'm going to circle back and we'll have this conversation when the smoke clears here. But this isn't going to how we're going to interact. I'm worth more than this. That's what I'm talking about. Okay. Yeah. And I know that's hard. There's economic concerns. There's all kinds of things that make that really challenging. Tell me what happened last night. So last night

we were just laying there and, well, he cooked dinner first and then he was being playful with me, which I really didn't know how to respond because sometimes like when I'm playful back, it might turn into something. So I was just letting him do his thing. Hold on. It might turn into something like y'all might end up sleeping together or it might turn into something. So I was just letting him do his thing. Hold on. It might turn into something like

y'all might end up sleeping together or it might turn into something like it ends up he gets mad because it's not going like because he's losing control because you're playing along too. Oh, no. A lot of it ended up we slept together. No, it's more like I might say something, but he didn't find what I said to be appropriate or funny

or now I'm not in the mood to play anymore and you play too much. So like that so I just let him do his thing, play just chuckled a little bit, didn't say much and then we went to bed and then he hugged me

kissed me, told me that sometimes his reaction is because he's been through because he's traumatized from his childhood and that we're going to be all right and we're going to be okay. But just last week before then, he walked past me after we had like a disagreement or something. It was small to me, but I guess it was big to him. And he threw his ring at me and said, we're separated. And I'm like, that's not how separation works.

I mean, we're still living in the same house where he said, oh, well, you know, well, you've been married before to know that he was being sarcastic. And this is like our first marriage with each other. Like, you can't tell me how separation works. And, um, so he took his ring off, um, and told me that he's been looking for rooms and whatnot in case if I basically if I do one more thing to upset him before June happens, he's going to go explore an option but then last night it just seemed to be real calm. And him throwing a, like finally throwing like a loop or a ring towards me when it just seemed like we were going on a completely like opposite end. So can I ask you, and I'm not asking this in a disparaging way. Are you hard to live with? Maybe. No, no, Shante, tell me the truth. Are you hard to live with? Um, maybe.

No, no, Shante, tell me the truth. Are you hard to live with? I don't think so, but being with him, I started to question,

am I? And, um, I don't think it's that. I think he, because here's why I say that. We both work, like I work the nine and five.

He does as well. And it's sometimes like, um. We both work. Like, I work the 9 to 5. He does as well. And then sometimes, like, he might not say it, but he'll expect me to do the traditional full-on, like, house duties while I'm still working. So sometimes I'll say, hey, well, can you help out? Or if I clean up, can you just be, like, more aware not to just leave your stuff around because when i'm coming when i leave out for work and the house is clean i would like to come into a clean house first every single day having to like keep cleaning the house because he's kind of like messy yeah so to speak he's not nasty he's kind of messy and his thing is be like you're the one when you pick it up like basically i'm nagging him he doesn't want me to control him so man okay i think maybe in that case i am but it's not like you can go like you can he could be on his phone for hours i won't bother him because i have my own stuff going on so i didn't think i was hard to live with and i'm not like a smothering type

i don't smother it's like you can do your own thing it's fine like not like your own thing like that but like i'm not constantly on you like y'all are newlyweds in your first year of marriage. Yeah. This weekend is our one-year anniversary. Oh, man. This should be... I know. Oh, my gosh.

You're hiding in your own home, and so is he. And I can't say anything negative about him because he's not on the phone with me okay and so i'm gonna assume that after a year the whole house is just hard right yeah and i'm gonna i'm gonna choose to say you know what that guy had a moment of clarity and he realizes he loves you, you're special and he wants to do what he has to do to make this thing work. And he may have never told anybody about childhood stuff that happened

and that was the first time he spoke it out. So I'm gonna go down that road, okay? So here's the next steps. And I don't know another option around these next steps. You have two paths, actually you have two paths forward. Path number one is this. And this ends at some point. Okay?

Yeah. Path number two is this. You tell him our one-year anniversary is coming up. And before we go do something romantic for our anniversary, I want to have a follow-up conversation on what we talked about last night. And this isn't a spring it on him. This isn't a, he's watching TV and you go turn the TV off.

This is on Friday, I wanna go out and I want us to have a grownup conversation we need to have. And here's what that, all that conversation is, is this. You said we're gonna be okay. You said you've got, all that conversation is, is this. You said we're going to be okay. You said you've got some childhood struggles that you're working through. You said you're sorry that, and if you have things to apologize for, Shante, which you probably do, say them, say them out loud. Okay. And say, being okay moving forward looks like this for me. What does it look like for you? And you're going to have to, I would have, if I'm you, I'm like this for me. What does it look like for you? And you're gonna have to,

if I'm you, I'm writing this stuff down. It looks like I need help around the house. We're both working. I know there's some traditional gender roles. I need some help here. I can't work a full-time job and then come home and work a full-time job. I need some help.

Number two, don't ever throw your ring at me again. I need us to always know that no matter how sideways things get, our marriage is okay, that we're committed together. And if you tell me you're going to look for rooms before you start looking for rooms, at least honor me enough to say,

hey, here's what I'm struggling with in the house and not wait till it's the door shut. You know what I mean? And so whatever those needs are for you, hey, here's what I'm struggling with in the house. And not wait till it's the door shut. You know what I mean? And so whatever those needs are for you, I need you to be more playful and sexual with me. I miss you. I want you to be really explicit about your needs.

And this is a low reactivity, not gonna fight, not gonna argue. I need you to listen to all the things I'm gonna say and then I'll listen to all the things you're gonna say we're not gonna lob grenades at each other but we've gotta make a plan for moving forward and then here's the hard thing us being okay means you're gonna have to go talk to a counselor

about your childhood trauma that's what you gotta do and I know that's not cool that's what you're gonna have to go do if you're serious about healing from that stuff and We'll all even go with you if you would like but we're gonna do this together. You see what i'm saying? Here's what i'm trying to give you back shantae

I'm trying to give you your power back and I want your husband to have his power back And I want you all to have power together and I want you to look at your relationship apart from each other and say let's Make this thing really good. How can I help meet your needs? And here's my needs. How can you help? How can I help you meet my needs? See what I'm saying? Yeah, but that's the thing.

I suggested counseling, like together and individually. One, like a few weeks ago, and then he said that he'll get there to the counselor and say all the right things. So when he leaves, that he's not changing. He's going to do his own thing because he's stubborn and no one's telling him how to live his life but I also forgot to mention in the email because I was just so overwhelmed with my own emotions

that he was being a therapist before we got married but because he was diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety and he was taking medicine for it, but then he stopped. He says off

and on that he's going to go back, but there's never no follow-through. Then when I finally mentioned counseling again, he was like, I'm not. Those people, they're just working a job. When they leave, they do what they want. When I leave, I'm going to do what I want, but you can waste your money if you want to.

Okay. So here's the thing. You can't control him. He's a grown man. The only person you can control, and this is hard, is you. And right now, you need somebody in your corner on a regular basis. I don't think good therapy is a waste of money. In fact, I think it is a lifeline for many, many of us.

Millions and millions of us. And I do hear that a lot. And I get that, that someone's just doing a job, they're just pushing paper and pushing a broom. I don't know therapists like that. The therapists I know deeply care about people and they want them to have peace in their life and laughter and joy in their life and good sex lives with their spouse. They want these things for them. And so this idea that they're just like getting a job and clocking out, it's not true. I'm sure there are therapists out there. I just don't know them. Most therapists, even the ones I disagree with how they're doing it, they really want what's best for their clients. So it's not about, I'm going to tell you what to do. It's, hey, if you're coming to me and say, it's like going to the gym, right? The trainer's like, what are

your goals? Well, I want to get huge. All right, well, here's the workout plan for getting huge. I ain't doing that. Okay. Like it doesn't affect my workout. If that's your choice, you make cool. You know what I mean? So it's less about I'm telling you what to do as a counselor. And it's more, hey, you just explained this out. Here's the path towards changing your family tree. Here's the path towards sleep. And my heart breaks for him because it sounds like he had a rough go of it as a kid. Is that true? Yeah, he did.

He opened up to some things prior to us being married and during marriage. Yeah, it's a lot. Yeah. And so here's the deal. I'm going to send you a copy. He may not read it. You can read it and you can leave it laying around. I'm going to send you a copy. He may not read it. You can read it. You can leave it laying around. I'm going to send you a copy of my new book, Own Your Past, Change Your Future. Okay. The whole premise of that book is we have to look in the mirror and

say this stuff happened to us. It happened. Okay. Full stop. I got abused. Someone treated me wrong because of the color of my skin. Somebody hurt me. Somebody beat me up. These things happen to me. And there's a period at the end of those sentences. Some of them, I'm still in an abusive relationship. I'm still being treated differently because I'm a woman in a workplace, right? Whatever the thing is. I have to look in the mirror and own those stories.

And then I have to ask myself that one terrifying, scary, brave question. What am I gonna to do now? Am I going to continue this cycle? Or am I going to take one or two years of my life and it's going to be hard and brutal and challenging? And I'm going to change everything. Right? Yeah.

And he has to do that work. You can't do it for him. I'll tell you this. He's lucky to have you. Okay? Why'd you marry him? Why'd you marry him? I always tell him that he's brilliant.

Like, he's caring. He's, like, his heart, like, once he gets an idea and you just see him go, like, he gives it his all. He's protective and he's caring, like, over, like, who he loves. Overall, he does have a good heart. It's just I just haven't been saying it lately, but and he's funny. He's nice. He's kind. He has goals and dreams for himself and not selfishly like, oh, I just want this.

Like he cares about the children. He wants more and he's ambitious. And just him, like you'll never meet him wherever you are. You'll never meet him. And him, he's one of a kind. Sounds like you love that guy. Yeah. And it sounds like you're also exhausted.

Yeah. Do you hate the you're also exhausted. Yeah. Do you hate the fact that the guy you love is hurting so bad? Yes, of course. Okay. Have you told him that? It's kind of hard. I know. I know.

I don't know how to gauge him sometimes. Okay. Where I've seen effective in the past is people sometimes write letters. When somebody sits down and says, hey, what you told me last night, boom. If you're a trauma survivor, your walls go up immediately right then. I'm not hearing a word you're saying. I'm just trying to survive this conversation. And if it means at the end,

I have to just brush you off. If I have to pull out my phone and act like I'm ignoring you, if I have to be overly emotional and yell something, I will survive this conversation. What a letter does sometimes is it allows that wall to come up and then it goes back down

because there's not the person in that room and I can read it again and then I can read it again and then I can read it again. And the second time I read that letter, the second and a half time, the third time, now I'm starting to hear it. Not always. Sometimes people read it once, they throw it away in the trash and they say, don't ever write that. That's fine. That happens. But sometimes they read it again and again and they start to go, oh my gosh, that woman loves me.

So here's my rule of thumb. If you are not safe, if you're worried about your psychological or physical safety, you got to get out. You promise me? Of course. Okay. Deeper than that, you are worthy of your needs. And the greatest gift you can give him is telling him, here's what my needs are. And it's going to come with a risk because he might look at you and say, I'm not meeting those needs, I'm out. And if he does, that will be because he chose to go,

not because your needs were wrong. Okay? That's the only path forward for both of you. And the second thing you got to ask him is, and what are your needs? How can I help meet your needs? And how do we do these things together? Okay. And that's not me. That means like, okay, then I got another eight hour shift after I get home where I got to re-roof the house and mow the yard. Like, that's not what that means, but that means we're going

to have this conversation together. I need you to pick up your clothes. That's not too much of an ask. I need you to help with the dishes. That's not too much of an ask. I need you to help with the dishes. That's not too much of an ask. I need you to give me an hour and a half at night just to let me have some breathing room. Cool. I'm in for that. I need to just be able to go to the gym. Cool. I need to be able to, cool. Well, we can make those things happen. I'd love to meet this guy. Sounds like he's great. Sounds like he's hurting a lot and he's trying to figure things out. I don't know if he's great. I like he's hurting a lot and he's trying to figure things out. I don't know if he's great. I don't, I don't, I haven't met him,

but it sounds like he's hurting. He sounds like he loves you. He's trying to figure it out. Clarity, clarity, clarity. And you need to make the call and go see a counselor. Okay. It's the only person you can put into counseling is yourself.

Please make that call because you're worth it. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up deloney here? Listen you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out Or chronically stressed at some point in my new book building a non-anxious life You'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back as we wrap up today's show in honor of the concert

last night. It's from the band Turnstile, the song is Holiday. Man, those boys from Jersey put it down. Song goes like this. Now it's a holiday. Make a little room I want to free up from the vine. I want to celebrate close enough to feel. And now it's time to disappear. I want to celebrate so I can never feel the cold.

I can never feel the cold. Now it's a holiday. Too bright to live, too bright to die. I want to celebrate. Beauty is built not from the outside and I imagine it so I can never feel the cold. I can sail with no direction. I can sail with no direction like it's a holiday. We'll see you soon. Coming up on the next episode. I'm just trying to figure out what is fears versus what are the red flags when it comes to our relationships. A red flag for me is something that violates one of my core values. Why did y'all get separated? Mainly because of his drinking.

And I know that you know what I'm about to say. Okay? You're trying to keep a fantasy alive. And you have to let it go and you left but only partway and if you're going to be gone after three years you got to go your kids are bearing the brunt of this