The Dr. John Delony Show - I’m Not Attracted to My Overweight Husband

Episode Date: April 6, 2026

🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app.   On today’s episode, we hear about:    - A wife wanting to tell her husband that his recent weight gain is a turnoff - A soon-to-be mom who is scared she won’t be a good parent - A woman wondering how to support her husband’s upcoming job change Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch    Connect With Our Sponsors:  ·       Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. ·       Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   ·       Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  ·       Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. ·       Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  ·       Working knives for working people—Go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! ·       Explore Poncho Outdoors! ·       Head to Shady Rays and use code DELONY for 40% off two or more polarized sunglasses.  ·       Get 25% off your order at Thorne.   ·       Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today.   Explore More From Ramsey Network:   🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I've always been a health freak. I've been going to the gym for several years. How do I, goshly, tell my husband that his weight gain is starting to become a turnoff? Ooh. Hey, what's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show. So glad that you're here.

Taking your calls from all over the planet on whatever's going on in your life. For the last two decades, I've sat with people who the wheels have fallen off in their life, trying to figure out what's the next right move. Your mental and emotional health, your kids, your marriage, your dating life, whatever you got going on, my promise is I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move for you. Let's go out to Tulsa, Oklahoma, and talk to Nicole. Hey, Nicole, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. How are you?

I'm doing great. How are you? I'm good. Thanks for taking my call. Of course. What's going on? My question is, how do I go awfully tell my husband that his weight gain is starting to become a turnoff? Ooh. My personality is to be a bull. Ah. Tell me more.

So we had a baby last April. And I've always been a health freak. I've been going to the gym for several years. When we got together, he was heavier, but it wasn't really an issue for me. And then here recently, our daughter actually just turned one on Sunday. I've just been noticing probably about the last six months that I just feel like he's started gaining weight more noticeably. and I feel like the eating habits have increased. And it's just, it bothers me.

When you say the eating habits have increased, what does that mean? I can't keep snacks in the house or we go through them with before the end of the week. Lunch, he likes to make his sandwiches at work. And I'm basically buying a whole tube of miracle whip and a whole box of sliced cheese almost every week to every other week. Okay. So while you may be not attracted to his weight gain, right, purely aesthetically, right? Yes. I hear you say you're becoming not attracted or less attracted to him.

as a person. Or let me see, I don't want to read too much into what you said, but he's beginning to gross you out in who he is. Is that right or is that too much? I'd say maybe a little bit. Maybe the self-control aspect is becoming an ick. Okay. Where else is, are you discovering there's the distance between? you? Our faith. Tell me more about that. We, I am growing, we both grew up in Christian households,

and he went to the same church since the moment he was born. And I kind of followed him into that when we got together and we're dating. But I just felt like I wasn't spiritually growing. It wasn't really my religion. So I spread off and went to the church that I kind of, kind of grew up in and the same religion. And he actually followed me there, which was a huge step. But I'm trying to pour into that community and kind of start becoming more faithful. And I'm doing devotions and worshiping and actively talking about the Lord. And he just doesn't care.

He won't be active in any of that stuff with me. And I've asked him about it. And he just like, no, I'm good. What else? If you had to pinpoint some places where you all have grown apart. He doesn't show any emotion. Can he? I've asked.

I know you've asked in your words. I don't know. But if your actions are a language, is he allowed to show emotion? Is he allowed to show frustration, disappointment, sadness? Is he allowed to just be low? Or is the way you do things, the way things need to be done, whether it's fitness, in which you call yourself a freak, is it fitness, is it sexuality,

is it what we eat and how we eat and where we worship and how much we do it and how much we talk about it? Has he just learned, all right, I'm out? And I'm not making accusations, I'm just asking. Yeah. Because the way you're communicating, the way you're talking about him

is very much the way a mom talks about her son that she's frustrated with. And that may be because he acts like a kid. and it may be that he's trying to find pockets of safety and he's eating his feelings right now because that's the only place for them to go is shove down because I live in her house

and worship at her church and raise our kid the way she wants it to be done and ultimately my home is a failure factory. Is that sound right or am I way off? Yeah, no, very accurate. Okay. So you won't like my answer if that helps. There's not a gentle way to tell somebody you're not attracted to them anymore.

Okay. There's an honest way and a helpful way and there's hurtful ways to do that. Yeah. But to me, the bigger conversation here is, how long are you all married before you had a kid? Oh, we got pregnant two months after we were married. Okay. So, and your kid's about to turn one. one you said? She just turned one, yes. Okay. So how much of this is you are opening your eyes to

this is your life now and you don't like it? I feel like I love my life. Okay. And I love being a mom. Okay. I'm nervous that it's just settling. And what does that mean? I just, I don't, sorry, I'm trying to gather my thoughts. His family is all very obese. And I just don't want that to be us. Okay. And I'm nervous that he'll be like his dad and check out and not want to play with our kids. Because his dad sits on the couch and drinks a diet Coke for water and eats cheetahs all night. Okay.

And I can tell you, your husband feels every nook and cranny of the laser beam that your judgment on his every move. And if you truly value him and you value y'all's marriage and you value your kid growing up in a stable home, then turning the laser of judgment off and turning on what I would call like the gentle dome light of I see and know that there's a different person in my home that I'm going to co-create a life with. Because right now you're only seeing your world and he is impacting your world negatively. And what you're not recognizing is that it's his world too. Man, there is an important, multiple important conversations to be had around I'm worried about your health. I'm worried about your involvement here at home. And there's also a really important

conversation to be said for, we're a year into this thing. And I've made your home really inhospitable and I'm sorry because it's been about my way my thing i'm right i'm this i'm that and i'm so so sorry or let me give you another example this morning just today this is fresh right i got into a as as as heated of a discussion with my son as i've had in maybe years about him leaving his clothes everywhere He gets home from school, home from track, and he undoes his, he opens up his backpack, and there's just stuff everywhere. Okay. So we got into it this morning. And I don't know what it was about this particular morning.

I'm working on a big project right now, and I have a room above my garage where I go right, and it's got all my hunting gear and all my guitars and all my stuff in there. I walked up the small half staircase into that room, and I just saw it for what it was. it's a crazy, disturbing mess. I have piles of clothes everywhere. I've got guitars laying all over the place. I haven't cleaned up after the last hunting season. I just got, like I'm writing a book. I got books everywhere, papers everywhere.

It's a mess. And I felt so ashamed. So much so that I wrote my son a long note that said, I'm a hypocrite and I'm sorry. I've been challenging you on your cleanliness. and your, you know, your, like, routines, and here I am living like this. I'm sorry.

And my solution with my son this morning was, I have to make some changes around here, and I want to invite you in to be a part of some of those changes. And that's the only path forward right now because I was not being a person of integrity because I was blaming him for stuff that I was participating in. And so you can't blame your heart. husband for not sharing emotions if you're not a person you can share emotions with. You can't

blame your husband for eating his feelings if that's the only place for them to go. And you can't blame him from coming from an obese family, but you can talk to him about, hey, I also have problems with my body. I just go the other way with it. And what does health look like for us? And what does togetherness look like for us? And what does connectivity with our kid look like? Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. And part of that conversation will be, I'm looking at. I'm looking at. And part of that conversation will be, I'm losing attraction to you, and I'm going to own that. But if you, yeah, if you just come and drop that grenade on him, there's nowhere for that blast to go except inside his soul and spirit. If it's a part of a larger context, which says, hey, I've brought some really big challenges to this thing. And I realize

I've been pretty laser focused and what's my life look like and what is this is different. And I didn't expect to get pregnant. And now I've got this and I've got this instead of, hey, we've got this. And we get to decide what this looks like. Yeah. How does that resonate? Does that resonate as BS? Does it resonate as like, no, it makes, I feel it? That, I'm impressed.

Yeah, that's, I just didn't, um, I'm not trying to say like, oh, this is my fault, which it is probably my fault, but I just didn't see it that way, but it all is very accurate. Let's take fault off, off the table right now, okay? Because if, if we want to go down fault, it's his fault that he puts that food in his mouth, right? It is. That's a choice he makes every bite. And it's a fault that you judge him through a lens of his parents and through your lens of embarrassment. And I want to be seen with a guy that looks like this out and put like, we can go down the fault thing. It's not helpful because fault ends up becoming we're scorekeeping and I'm winning or I'm

losing. Let's take fault off the table for a bit and let's take this is going to sound so cheesy. I'm rolling my eyes at myself as I say this, but let's take co-creation. We've co-created a marriage in our first year where we were just surviving and you survived by barking orders and he survived by eating his feelings, period. What if? And I know I just made that way simple. There's way more complexity to that. I know that. What if we co-created a world where we both feel healthy and happy and at peace? What does that look like? What do we want the house to feel like when we both walk in? What is sharing responsibilities and roles and new identities now? What does that look like? What does that feel like? What is a pattern that when he hears you ordering him around as though he's a seven-year-old kid,

that he has a way to say, can you try that again? Or could you say that in a different way? And you don't go to war with him and you're like, yes. Yes, because I'm going to change this pattern over time. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I do. But this isn't about, I'm just going to take all the fault and woes me. That's not what I'm saying. This is saying, I'm going to go first, and we've both tried to survive this first year. And we did.

We survived. We're still married. Our kid's healthy. I love being a mom. Awesome. I want us to knock down the tower that was our old marriage because it got built kind of wonky just out of the gate because we needed a little. a lean to shelter to live in during this first year.

And let's build the thing we actually want, the one where we both have peace, the one we both have laughter, where we have fitness, we take care of ourselves, we're good stewards of our bodies, where you can put your fears on the table and not say,

you're being like your dad, because it's never a good thing to say. But, hey, I'm worried about, I love you enough to tell you, I'm concerned about your health. I want you to be here for her high school graduation. I want her to have some hilarious

memories of her dad rolling around on the floor with her not sitting on a couch drinking a diet coat and then being able to say okay what what do you see in me where's my blind spots and the only way this works is if one of you goes first and you called so I'm going to challenge you to go first to put on the table and say I'm sorry I messed this up out of the gate I was doing the best I code with what I had and now I'm asking not for a do-over but can we rebuild something new and amazing let's start from there thanks for call sister, your bravery is impressive and your ability to be reflective really quick is impressive as well. Thank you so, so, so much for the call.

We come back. A woman asks how to face her fear of becoming a mom now that she is pregnant. Y'all, my house rules. It's filled with so much cool stuff like my music gear and my hunting stuff and all of my family is into art projects. And there are more band t-shirts in my house than I know what to do with. But my house is also filled with cozy earth gear. Loads of it.

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anxieties about motherhood so that I can be a resilient and peaceful mom? And I'm currently 11 weeks and five days pregnant with our first kid. Oh, so you're right there, huh? Have you all announced to your friends and family yet? Are you holding tight for a few more days? No, I did. I kind of regretted it. I should have probably waited, but I was just too excited.

So, yeah, I told everyone. Hey, can I tell you congratulations? Thank you. Yeah. Is that cool? Tell me your relationship status. Oh, I'm married. Yeah, we've been married for four years.

Okay. You like him? Oh, man. Yeah, he's amazing. Okay. All right. So, whenever somebody tells me they have a fear about something or they have anxiety about something, I always want to know as detailed as you could get, okay?

Because fears and anxieties tend to be really, um, did you see stranger things? I can't. Oh, okay. You don't like scary movies. Okay. So, okay, so it can be really shadow. and kind of like ethereal. It's hard to wrap your head around.

It's hard to point a finger to it. And so one of the ways to disempower fear and anxieties is to be really specific about them. Okay. So what is it about being a mom? And I want to get to the place you want to be. What is it about this side of motherhood that makes you concerned that you're not going to be a peaceful mother? Yeah. I'm really scared that I'm not going to be able to handle the responsibilities,

the emotional, physical, mental taxation that women go through and they have a baby. Where does that fear originate? Have you failed yourself a number of times, or is this part of the American mother guilt complex? Oh, yeah. I think it's probably both, but yeah, I have failed. I haven't failed myself, but there's been moments in my life that I've went through some pretty significant pain because of choices I've made. Tell me about that. Yeah, so I guess when...

Let me tell you this. I know this, A, only tell me what you're comfortable telling, okay? Sure. And be as vague as you feel like you need to be, okay? Okay. And be, I'm not just fishing. I'm actually going somewhere with this, okay? Yeah, no, I believe you.

Okay, all right. I just don't want to give you too many details and waste your time, you know. Oh, you're not wasting my time. I'm honored that you're on the phone with me. Thanks. Okay, so when I was really young, I made the choice to run away with a guy I barely knew, and that turned out to be a really horrible decision. Okay.

How old were you? I had just turned 18. Okay. How old was he? He was 40. Okay. And how long until you uncoupled from that? Last year.

Oh, last year. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. What do you mean by that question? How long until you all broke up and you found yourself kind of in the wasteland of being 22 or 23 or 25? Oh. Oh. No. It's actually a really cool story because it was two days later.

I was in a different state than the state I grew up in. And I just had a crazy encounter with God. Okay, so it was two days later and you had a spiritual awakening. Yeah, it was crazy. God just totally saved me from it. And so you went home right after that? No, I stayed with my brother for a couple months, and then I went back to my hometown. Okay.

Yeah. And what was reentry into your home town like? Yeah, it was really hard. And I went back to live with my parents again. And, you know, they did the best that they could, but everything just picked up like normal. And I never really had time to process what had happened. And that eventually, I just, you know, I really just pushed things down and shoved them deep down inside. And then eventually that led me to like my next really big emotional breakdown of

I was in the middle of nursing school a year and a half ago. And I had a bunch of triggers occur to me and had never dealt with panic and anxiety before. And I just totally lost it. And my body just started screaming at me. Yeah. How old are you now? I'm at 29. Yeah. 29, okay. Tell me how your mom loved you, supported you, cared for you, walked alongside you. I wasn't expecting that question. Sorry. Oh, you're okay. She showed me how to work really hard. That's the most compassionate, politically correct answer of all time. That was awesome.

Yeah, I don't. I don't. I'm not asking you to badmouth your mom, but I'm asking you to, if you were to objectively back out, of the situation. And I know that's an almost impossible thing to do, right? Yeah. But if you were to imagine yourself watching your mother walk alongside you, if she did it all, what would that look like? Say it one more time. Oh, I'm sorry.

I just, I'm having a hard time. She didn't. Okay. Okay, just sit on that for a second. She did. Yeah, and I guess I just, I'm looking for a roadmap of how I can see. better for my kid. There you go.

How'd your dad walk alongside you? Yeah, my dad, he had really severe and undiagnosed at the time, PTSD and major depressive disorder. All right, those are clinical terms. Tell me about the lived experience of nine-year-old you, of 14-year-old you, of 17-year-old you, anger, rage, volume?

Yeah, yeah, like the only emotion I've I ever saw was anger. And he wasn't abusive or anything like that, but he just couldn't be there for me in the way that I needed. Okay. So let me say this as clearly as I can, okay? Abuse does not require intent. And by the way, this is not to blow up your parents in any way. This is to give context to your body right now, okay?

Yeah, yeah. Abuse doesn't require intent. I can be abusive without meaning to be. Okay. The second thing is, is trauma can happen as a thing that happens to you or a thing that should have happened to you that didn't. Okay. And we often look back at our past and we're like, well, they didn't do this and they didn't do that. And we're thinking of physical abuse or sexual abuse. They never, like, I never had to go to the hospital because they hit me so hard or whatever. but we failed to look at the other side, which is, at 18, I found a father figure who at least cared enough to look me in the eyes. Yeah.

Somebody finally told me I was beautiful. Right. And so when I said, what are some ways you failed yourself? Can you do me a huge favor? Yeah. Can you let 18-year-old you off the hook finally? How do I do that? I want you to write her a letter tonight.

And I want you to forgive her for being 18. And I want you to forgive her for trying to run away from a household where she felt completely alone and in charge of the adult's emotions in her home. Yeah. Forgive that poor girl. Because she's haunting you right now. And she's just trying to tell you, dude, I just tried to survive. I was trying to survive. I can do that.

And here's what I want to do. They took a circle back and answer your full question. the first thing I want you to do is to be honest about what consider like you may have heard me say this before but consider you've got a backpack on full of cinder blocks how many of these cinder blocks

I don't have to work through them all but how many of these cinder blocks can I at least acknowledge how much weight am I carrying into this new season of my life you have a lived experience of a mom who was at you not with you Yeah.

Let's just, let's acknowledge that's in our backpack. It's heavy. Yeah, for sure. And let's stop blaming 29-year-old ourselves for being tired, for having panic attacks, for we're in nursing school and we have to do something that's life or death, and we have that voice of our mom saying, you screwed up, you didn't do this. I can't believe you didn't, like, let's give ourselves some grace. I just write myself a letter.

That's so great. We're going to write 18-year-old self that letter. That's a different one. Okay. We're going to write mom and dad a letter saying, here's what I'm grateful for. Here's that I'm real. And this is part of what one therapist told me once. We're going to blame fairly.

Yeah. You know what I got, Mom? I got an incredible work ethic. You know what I got, Dad? I got an insanely compassionate way of helping people. It makes me an amazing nurse. Yeah. Because I've been taking care of people since I was five.

The next section is, I should have never. ever had to take care of you because I was a kid. Yeah. And mom, I know you were trying to survive inside your own marriage with a husband who had a whole bunch of untreated mental health issues, but it wasn't my job to carry that weight for you. And then here's the important part of that last letter, the important part. Here's who I'm going to be now. And when we say things like, I just want to be a peaceful mom, that becomes a finish line of a race that never ends.

because you don't have a lived experience of what peace even feels like. And so here's what we're going to do. We're going to put some really specific things down on paper. And I would advise you, the way you swooned over your husband, gross! But it sounds like he is going to walk alongside you as you transform your family tree.

Is that fair? Oh, yeah, for sure. Okay. So what if we co-create? some things together. I want my daughter to know that no matter what, I'm in charge, and no matter what, I'll sit with her through her big feelings or his big feelings. I want my son to know no matter what.

Mama loves him till the end of time. Yeah. And then as we go along and you find yourself getting impatient, we're going to feel that. And we're going to get the help we need along the way. So let me say this. your fear, your anxiety, it's right. You're not crazy. Yeah.

And the path through it is directly through it. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right. And the path through it is as clear as possible and this is going to sound nutty as short of time horizons as possible. What does that mean?

That means you have a picture of wanting to treat your son or daughter a certain way when they turn 18. Mm-hmm. That's two decades from now. Yeah. Let's do week three, right? Your fear is right and your fear is good. And I'm like overwhelmed with how proud of you I am.

The challenge you have before you is, you're doing a lot of work to get well. You're doing a lot of work to be to build a great marriage. And you're doing it with all these old cinder blocks still in your backpack. Yeah. I have to set them down. Yeah. And writing a letter to start, that's not going to be like some magic cure. Right. But it will slowly begin to distance yourself from that person that was just surviving.

I've had to go back and write myself multiple letters and multiple years. Because once I cleared 18-year-old me, then a sudden 16-year-old me popped up and then 13-year-old me popped. Like, I had to go back and let different versions of childhood me off the hook because they were still fighting my daily battles as an adult. It's not their job. Yeah. Okay, I can do that. Game on. Game on. How do you face a fear of becoming a mom?

Walk straight through it like you've done several other times. I'm so, dude, I'm so freaking proud of you and your husband, both of you. It's awesome. Right track, right track. Hey, it's been a high, high honor that I got to talk to you today. Thank you so, so much for the call. We come back. A woman asks how to support her husband through a big career change.

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It's incredible. It is crushing right now. It's in the Apple app store. Is that what they call it? The kids call it these days. The kids do call it these days. You can also go to the show notes below in the description and click on it. Click on that.

That'd be great. Click on it in the show notes. Did you know, I don't think I've ever looked at a show note in my life. I would not know. That doesn't shock me at all. In any way. You couldn't find a show note with a full. flashlight. And what's funny is I would look for it with a flashlight.

Ah, geez. All right, let's go out to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and talk to Sarah with an H. What's up, Sarah? Hello. What's going on? Thanks for hopping on here. How are we doing? Pretty good. I'm very awkward, so I apologize in advance. Oh, Sarah, there is no one more awkward on this call than me. I assure you. I assure you. We can be awkward together. It's good. Okay. So what's up? So my husband is fairly certain. He's going, he's about to make a very large career change or job change. I'm hoping to look for ways to best support him in this change.

So tell me about the change? he is looking to begin work with two family members on like a business that they have yeah let me back out of this question are you in support of this career change or you do not like this career change I'm nervous about it

Tell me why you're nervous. It'll be less money. He recently just got an increase in pay where he is right now. And it's kind of like half of that pay. Like I think it'll be doable. Like we can do it. It will be okay. Why is he making this change?

It's nice to actually. He's just doing the job of a lot of people at the moment and it's really stressful. He's about to go to work with two family members. He's going to be doing 50 jobs at once. He doesn't see it that way. It is a tall order for a spouse to be supportive of a husband. Again, this may make me unpopular to say it this bluntly, but, hey, honey, I want to bring home half the income because I'm tired of working so hard.

I feel bad because I also don't want him miserable. Because then when he gets home, he's in a miserable mood. He has gotten better. He's the one that showed me your podcast, and he'll be listening to this and laughing at how awkward I am. You're not awkward at all. I guess I want to call out. I don't see a lot of successful job transitions,

especially huge ones, where someone isn't going towards something, but they're running away from something. Right. And where he's at now is trying to fix, like they're trying to hire someone else to lessen his load at work. But even like thinking about, you know, having to train that person for the next however long is a lot for him to process and, like, think about, kind of. Have you all sat down and made a real honest budget with, hey, we're about to bring home half the income we've had? Well, the income is new, like his increase in income is new.

So it would kind of be where we've been at, but it's nice to like not have to worry so much about money. Like right now we're at a spot where we can, you know, think about putting it toward the mortgage and because we're on baby steps four or five and six. Or, you know, having extra money to put aside and do things. so it's it's kind of nice to have that little cushion, I guess. You keep minimizing what you're saying. Like it's kind of nice. It's about half, like, it's kind of half. I want you to begin to take full ownership of the feelings inside your chest.

Besides just nervous? Yeah, because nervous is amorphous. Right. Like, I can be fully prepared Thursday night. I'm going out of town to do a headlining bit at a comedy club I've never been into, never walked into. I will be nervous. I speak to audiences all over the United States, all over the place. Big audiences, small audiences all over.

I have a full hour and probably 30 minutes of an act I can do. I'm fully prepared. Right. And I'll still be nervous. Nervous is just a physiological. reaction. It's good because that means there's a risk involved, right? That's cool. That's not, I am, I don't think that's what you're feeling. Yeah. Tell me more. You're hesitant. Tell me more of the feelings besides nervous. I've heard you talk a lot about like business with family

members and that was another part that I was hesitant about. Do you trust, would you let your family members, these particular family members, keep your kids? They're not like dangerous. I think. That's not I said. Would you want your kids around them a lot? Yeah. Okay. At least one of them. Okay. So here's the thing. One of them for sure. You all are creating a world. You're tilling the soil for a field of resentment because you'll have a lot of unspoken things going on. And so when I left my 20-year career as a senior leader at universities to become a podcaster and a YouTuber, for God's sakes, my wife was very nervous about that. I'll go further to say she was uncomfortable with it. And so we walked through our finances changed pretty dramatically, especially early on.

Now they've changed completely the other way. But early on, there was a path here of nerve, of, of, I'm uncomfortable with this, I'm uncomfortable with this. And most of her discomfort was, John, you're an introvert. John, I see you when people say, I hate you or you're an idiot and it melts you. And you're walking into an ecosystem where that's where a lot of people are going to throw grenades at you. Right. Right. And she knows I like to take time with people and I'm overly compassionate.

it and the ecosystem that I live in rewards really quick, sensational points that lack nuance, right? Like all that stuff, she was like, you're walking into a new room where I'm uncomfortable for you. And we had to sit down and be pragmatic about a budget. And we had to find a place to live because I lived in university house. Like we had all these very practical things to sit down and discuss. And it didn't make the conversations easy, but it did give us a place. a plan. Right. Right. And so what you're doing with a plan, Arthur Brooks talks about this so well, you're taking away the uncertainty. There's still a risk. This whole thing could fall, but I'm going to

take uncertainty off the table. And so as much as I possibly can. Uncertainty will make you crazy. Risk is exciting, but risk shouldn't end you. Right. And so if you're honestly, if you, in your guts, if you think to your husband, I'm afraid you're going to going to take this job and in four months you're going to realize you went with you and you're going to come home grumpy for that job just at half the salary. Yeah. Or you think you're going to go work less. You're not. And if this business works, y'all are going to all be working way more. Right. And is there going to work? And it's kind of not as big at the moment. So I also pose like, what if they go bankrupt. But that's the part that excites my husband.

husband because he is looking to go in and help them make it better, which we were at the marriage retreat. And the career one, the job one, I asked him, like, what are you hoping to do? Who are you hoping to help? And he said, like, that's the part that excites him is having, being able to help people. Okay. Is his family members that he's going to go work for and with? Are they going to allow him to come in and transform their business?

I'm sorry, what was that? His family members that he's coming to join forces with, are they going to allow him to walk in and transform the business? I'm not positive. You said it sounds like one, you know, one definitely is all for, you know, being able to change and stuff. The second one, I'm just not sure, you know. Okay, I want you to be able to, like, let me say it this way,

in a healthy marriage, one where you see and know him and you celebrate him regularly, he knows he's loved. Then I want you to say, I want to put a bunch of challenges on the table, my fears about you making this transition, and I want us to work through them. Are you in?

Okay. And I want you to be able to get all your questions and concerns answered. And some of those are going to be very tactical. Are we willing to postpone paying our house off? Are we willing to postpone funding the kids college fund because you're tired at work? Right. Right? Yeah.

Am I going to struggle with respecting you because you're working, you think you work too much and that makes you in a bad mood? Or are you in an abusive work situation where they're just taking advantage of you and beating you over the head with a stick and I want you to get out. I don't care what it costs us. Right. He does love his boss. I had a situation like that with my wife where she's like, I don't care what it's going to cost us. Get out of that place you're working. I've had that too. She was going to defend me the other way. Right. But I want you, here's the thing. I want you to be clear about what your concerns and fears are. And I want you to set up a conversation with him where y'all can work through those. Okay. Because either y'all will get clarity on what does success look like in this job. How long are we going to tolerate making half the money? is this job going to grow us somewhere? Are we going to aim for someplace? Or are we resettling our entire life,

which by the way, isn't bad either? We are resettling our entire life because we're going to shift our priorities now. We're going to consciously become a Corolla family. And we are consciously going to be renters, are consciously going to live in a very small house and have our mortgage out because we value peace in these other parts of our life. If that is great, that's amazing. But I want everybody on the same page with that. Because if you still want to live a Tahoe life and he is making a shift to a Corolla life, you're all going to go to war together. You're going to resent each other.

And if he comes up, the first day he comes home and complains about something, you're going to, man, you're going to come unglued. Because that's the reason we took half the income because you said, right? It's going to be you said and I told you and we never, it's going to end up in that wild keeping score type language you get what I'm saying right

and so let's put all this stuff on the table because what you've also told me is he loves his boss they're about to hire somebody and it's going to suck for a season while he has to train him but man it could clear up the whole deck

for everybody right versus he's going to come in he's got one person he really trusts one person that's a wild card he's going to make half the money hope it works out right maybe

and so it's just putting all that on the table. It doesn't mean don't do it. I just want both of you all clear as to what we're doing. And the best way you can support him through this is by being honest and open. And then when you agree to something, when you all spit shake and shake hands

and high five and say, okay, till death of his part, we're in on staying and here's what needs to change around our home. Here's what needs to change around our life. Or we're going to make this big shift together. I'm not going to throw this in your face if it doesn't work.

I'm going to say, no, no, nope, I was fully in on this too, and we're going to make a run at it this way. And then we're going to have markers along the way that say, hey, it's time for us to get out of this race and go find something else. Okay. We're just looking for clarity. And clarity requires often radical honesty. Does that make you nervous? A little bit. Okay.

Because he can't hear it or because he's going to throw it in your face or why does that make you nervous? I'm just not very good with confrontational talks or like any kind of talks like that. My brain kind of just shuts down. Okay. My challenge to you is to write it down. Okay. I do the same. I get all jumbled up and I get emotional about something.

So I've learned over the years. I write it all down. Okay. And can I challenge you with one more thing? Mm-hmm. You started this call by saying how awkward you are. You're not awkward at all. Zero.

Wow. You've talked about, you've mentioned several ways in which you're quote unquote deficient. I haven't experienced that one little bit. Well, that's good. And so I want you to change some of your internal language towards, I'm a ride or die spouse. I'm a supportive wife. And I'm also, I love my husband enough to challenge him before he makes a mistake or so that I can be fully both feet in the boat. And we're both going to row like crazy.

towards this new direction. Okay. Okay. But that is not you walking around with your head down. Like, I'm awkward. I'm weird. I get jumbled up. It is, yeah, I say the wrong thing sometimes.

Big deal. I get overwhelmed. Cool. I wrote it down. We're heading in. I'm right here. I'm right next to you. You and me versus the world,

homie. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Is this helpful at all? I don't feel like I was helpful one bit. Yeah, that was helpful. Are you going to do any of what I said? Probably not.

Yes. I would just make just to write things down. All right, good. How about this? Let me know how this conversation goes. And if your husband wants to be on the show, I'd love to talk to him about it. I always want somebody on a big career change

to go towards something, not away from something, unless they just have to. Because it's super abusive, because it is unmanageable, because it is taking advantage of you, taking your soul from you. But sometimes working a lot is the season we're in. Sometimes working two or three people's jobs is the season we're in because we have a family to support and it is what it is.

And we have to be honest with our spouse about, okay, this is something we can't change right this season. Or we're not willing to change this season or we're not going to change the season. So what can we create here at home so that I walk in and we both smile because I'm home? Thanks for call, sister. We'll be right back. Finally, winter is over and spring is here. And that means it's time to rotate the old closet. The poncho flannels and denims are going to the back of the closet.

And the poncho originals in ultra lights are moving forward. That's right. No matter what time of year it is, I'm still wearing my poncho shirts. I've been wearing them for years. Why? Because they rule. They're the best. The original is that Go Anywhere Performance shirt.

It's lightweight. It's breathable. It's quick drying, and it's built for every part of your life. And the ultralight has that same great fit with an even lighter feel. That's why they call it the ultra light. And when it's hot like it gets here in Tennessee, how light a shirt is matters. Poncho shirts also have great stretch. They move with you, not against you. They're light, they're soft, and somehow, I don't know how they pulled this off,

they're super, super durable and tough. And they look sharp enough to even wear to dinner, and they're comfortable. enough to wear all day. If warmer weather has you ready to reshuffle your closet, I want you to go to Poncho Outdoors.com slash Deloni and check out all of their styles. Get $10 off your first purchase. Just sign up with your email. That's poncho outdoors.com slash deloni.

Kelly, rocking the super, super, super deep V again. What's up? All right, something cool happened. What is it? Yes. So this is from Levi. I like how you don't even respond anymore. I'm not going to.

You know contempt is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. And eye rolling is a key feature of contempt. Well, I'll let you read into that what you wish. Behavior is a language, Kelly. All right, go ahead. Yes, it is. All right. Levi and Lynchburg writes,

I was at the Valentine's Weekend Money and Marriage Getaway in 2025. I told everyone about how I betrayed my wife my family, but specifically my wife by having an affair. I was struggling with trying to figure out how to be a good man again for her and for our son. You and the other personalities and everyone else at the getaway was very supportive and encouraged me to just keep doing the next right thing. As of today, my 30th birthday, I am 607 days sober and want to thank you and Rachel and everyone else for their continued part in my healing and in my family. From the deepest, deepest part of my heart on behalf of my family, Thank you.

Dude. That's awesome. Shout out to a brother here for staying sober and for rebuilding his marriage one brick at a time. That's awesome. Well played, my man. Love you guys. Hey, thank you for listening.

See you next time on the Dr. John Deloney Show.