The Dr. John Delony Show - I’m Not Sure I Know How To Be a Good Parent

Episode Date: January 6, 2023

In this episode, we hear from: - A dad expecting his second child and still unsure if he’s a good parent - A callback from a mom struggling to parent her teen’s manipulative behavior - A woman raising two kids and repairing a marriage with a man who’s a hypochondriac Lyrics of the Day: "I Remember You" - Skid Row Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. How do I be a better dad? A couple of weeks ago, my wife rolls in and says, hey, who's got two thumbs and is pregnant? That's how she told you? Pretty much, yeah. And then she said, don't freak out. And so I did.

And here I am. I'm calling you. What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So grateful that you are here with me and the gang and the greatest podcast in the history of the world when it comes to mental health and parenting and relationships and marriage. All that stuff.

It's the best ever. Can you already tell? We're so glad that you're here. Hey, if you want to be on the show, give me a buzz. 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. And for those of you who've been ride or die since day one, right? Um, so, so grateful for you, please. If you, if you find some value in the show

and no cost way of helping out, it doesn't cost you anything. If you will leave a five-star review, if you will forward an episode that means something to you to a friend or to a family member or to your mother-in-law if you don't want her to call you anymore um send share these episodes subscribe you all you know all that stuff works but it just helps get the show in front of more people and it's such you guys are such a gift thank you so so much uh let's go out to alex in sellersburg indiana what's up alex hey brother john how are you partying man what are Uh, let's go out to Alex in Sellersburg, Indiana. What's up, Alex? Hey, brother, John, how are you? Partying, man.

What are you up to? Oh, I'm just hanging out, making horse noises, buzzing or, uh, blaring some little drummer boy and having a good time. Well, you obviously have a much better producer running your life than I have running mine because I have running mine. Because I have had all those things taken away from me. So, good for you, Alex. I'll relay that to the wife and let her know.

Kelly likes, my wife took away Drummer Boy, which thank God she did because I hate that song. And Kelly took away my horse noises. So, I'm glad you're in a better position, Alex. Thanks for kicking me while I'm down. So, what's up? Hey, to be honest, I'm not you're in a better position, Alex. Thanks for kicking me while I'm down. So what's up? Hey, to be honest, I, I'm not a giant fan, a little drummer boy. I just shot at you. You know who is nobody and serial killers. That's who. All right. So what's up?

So I guess the short answer or question is, uh, uh, how do I be a better dad? Um, a couple of weeks ago laying in bed, like I said, just hanging out. And wife rolls in and says, hey, who's got two thumbs and is pregnant? And I said, well, not me. And so. That's how she told you? Pretty much, yeah.

Well, good morning. Alex, that's incredible. I'll get some that's That's incredible I'm gonna go get some coffee That is incredible Hey at least you didn't Go get whiskey You went and got coffee You're already off

To a good start man You said don't freak out And so I did And here I am I'm calling you I didn't know where to turn So I called the podcast guy Man so

You haven't had an opportunity To be a bad dad yet. So what are you, what are you stressing about? What are you worried about? Or what about this whole, this whole thing freaks you out? This is actually number two, baby number two. Um, and he's, uh, just a few weeks away from being two. Um, and I guess, uh, every every, so we all, the cried out method. Think about that. I've heard that's bad. Don't do that.

But I've also never been told, okay, well, don't, you know, throw the doors open, guns a-blazing at every time you hear them whimper. So, and things like that, just, you know, spend time with him. Well, how much time? I try to spend as much as I can. And then, you know, and then when in discipline, he's in this,

our baby number one is in this throwing phase. And, you know, he just the other day threw something and broke a glass something or other. I can't remember. I think it was a candle or something. And, you the other day, threw something and broke a glass something or other. I can't remember. I think it was a candle or something.

And, okay, well, don't spank him. Don't tell him no. And so I sit here and wrestle with all these aspects, whether it be the cry it out uh, discipline or spending time. And I feel like it's like, I'm swinging far one way as in, um, you know, every time I hear him cry or, you know, just a little bit in bed, I want to come running in or I swing back for the other way where, okay, well, let's give it, let's say 10 minutes, 15 minutes. Uh, and, and like, I don't, um, I don't have a good, I guess, uh, uh, straight line path to follow as if there is one. Um, so, you know, I guess I'm looking for any advice still, even as a dad of a two-year-old and a soon infant, uh, I just feel like I'm, like I said,

I'm all over the place. Yeah. I don't know if this will mean anything to you, but you're in a very common place for dads of two-year-olds. Like, there just comes this moment when you're like, what am I doing? You know what I mean? Like, like you said, I want I want this, I want there to be a set of Ikea instructions. I don't care how complicated it is. I'll figure it out.

And I just need to put this thing together. And then somebody sends you a podcast that says, well, don't do this. And then somebody gives you a book that says, don't do that. And then you just snap in the moment and default to something that your dad did that you had promised you weren't going to do right and it's just it's just a failure factory and by the way two-year-olds are two-year-olds and so they can be the best at snuggling up and they can rip your heart out right oh? Oh, yeah. And it doesn't also help that your wife probably looks like she knows exactly what she's doing.

She works with a lot more kids than I do. And so you just end up... And so I'll walk through it with you and then I'll circle back. Here's where many, many, many men, including myself,

find themselves. Baby number one, about this time, and you just start feeling like I am more in the way than I'm helping anything. And every time I try a thing, my wife's like, gosh, why just do it like this? Because she's been babysitting since she was six and nobody would trust me with their kid

when I was in middle school or high school. And we're filling the blank. There's just every little thing. And so what I started, I'll just speak about me. I started leaning a little bit more towards, you know, the one thing I'm good at is my job. I'm good at that. I can at least go do that.

I'll make money for the family. And so I just kind of turned the wheel two degrees and I ended up way far away from my family. So you're in a moment, kind of like a boxer is when he keeps getting tagged from the outside. The temptation is to back up a little bit further away when the best strategy is to bite down on your mouthpiece and leaning in and get closer. Okay. So let me tell you this, you're not going to quote unquote, figure this out because as soon as you figure it out, your second kid is going to be so radically different than from your first one. You are going to feel, you're going to feel like you got half the Ikea

thing built and then they shipped you another set of instructions that says something totally different. And so the best thing you can quote-unquote figure out is you. Who am I going to be when I get frustrated? Am I going to let a 2-year-old or a 5-year-old or a 16-year-old dictate my emotional regulation? When I find myself getting overwhelmed and frustrated, which happens to all of us, it still happens to me regularly, and I do this for a living, what am I going to do? Am I going to yell? Am I going to throw a temper tantrum? Am I going to tell my wife, hey, I need to take 10 and go outside?

Am I just going to grab a trash sack and start emptying the trash in a huff like some dads do? Who are you going to grab a trash sack and start emptying the trash in a huff like some dads do? Who are you going to be? All right? Right, yeah. And my dad was the yeller and the slamming of the door kind of dad. I'm certainly not that, but I find myself saying, like, go back to the thing he threw and broke the candle or whatever. Like, I was sitting here thinking, what do I do? And I just get so tied up and thinking, what do I, what do I do? And I just get sick.

I get so tied up and thinking about what to do, how to respond to where it's like I did nothing. And the next time he does it, you know, then I start thinking, Oh God, this is just a behavior. And this is how I've screwed him up. He's just going to be this defiant little baby. And, uh, well, I had my chance. I blew it or it or you know i'm laying in bed crying oh that was five minutes too long i've screwed him up and and he's gonna have emotional problems for the rest of his life and you know so like i said it just kind of frees him and what to

do and i i don't know. So I guess think, think this way. What I'm going to say is going to sound so cheesy. Okay. But here's what I want you to lean into. I like cheese. I do too, man.

I love it. I love it. Um, respond in love. Here's what that means. When my baby cries now, when they're older, I've got, you know, my kids are older. I can, and you'll be able to tell in short order, like this is a real cry.

This is not a cry. This is a fussy cry. This is I'm frustrated cry. This is I need somebody or I'm scared cry. There's times when the most loving thing you can do is to hold your two-year-old accountable in an appropriate, an age appropriate two-year-old way, right? He's not going to want to be a kid who's throwing and breaking things. He feels wild and out of control. He doesn't like that. It's discomforting. He needs a parent to set boundaries. He doesn't need a parent to come and swing it at him. He doesn't need a parent coming in to scare him to death by screaming at him. But doesn't need to come in to scare him to death by screaming at him. But he does need to learn, hey, if you choose this,

then you also choose this. Whatever that consequence happens to be. Okay, so, it's, but all of that, you see how calm I am? Because I'm not giving a two-year-old my,

if I leave stuff on the ground that a two-year-old can destroy and it's going to be devastating to me that's my fault because i'm the adult so i've got to change how my house looks and i gotta move stuff so that he can't have things that he can break and two-year-olds will figure it out i saw my daughter climbing up the cabinets the other day like a spider and i was like i don't even know what to say to you right now i don't i don't have any what are you doing literally what are you doing um she's trying to get a knife off i mean it was just like what okay right so the most important thing in that moment is all right was it been four minutes or six minutes no no no no that's not gonna mess your

kid up and i i even hesitate to say this out loud if you're thinking about quote-unquote messing your kid up it's a parent that is immobilized himself with anxiety with tension because they don't know how to respond in love see what I'm saying okay yeah and so I want you to spend the bulk of your time if you feel like you need to get up and go hug your kid and it's been 30 seconds instead of the agreed upon four minutes, get up and go hug your kid. Cause you know,

okay. You're not going to mess your kid up. And if your kid cries it out for a few minutes longer than you, you're not going to mess your kid up. And there will come a moment if you come from a yelling house when you snap, it'll happen.

You're not going to mess your kid up, especially if you take a knee and you look them in the eye and you say, I'm sorry. You get done on their level and say, I absolutely blew that. And as your dad, I'm sorry. See what I mean?

Because you're going to mess up a lot and they're going to go to see a counselor someday and be like, and then my dad did this. because you're going to mess up a lot and they're going to go to see a counselor someday and be like and then my dad did this and you're going to be like yep I did that yeah

right who are two or three men just name them the first names that have a kid who's seven or ten or fourteen

that you can regularly call and or go get coffee with or grab a drink with or whatever? Exactly. That's your mission. Okay. I know one, but I don't want his advice.

I got those friends too, who I love. And if it's wartime, I'm calling them. Dad advice, not so much. I'm good. I'm good. not so much. I'm good. I'm good. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. I want you to, instead of trying to find another blog to read about it, I want you to get two or three men that you absolutely trust and you see the fruit bared out in their kids. Okay. And I've got several people in my life who's raised their kids very, very differently. One's homeschooled. One's public schooled.

One is very, very, very, very wealthy. One is not wealthy at all. One is right in the middle. But their kids are funny. And I like being around their kids. And their kids are super respectful and kind. And their kids work hard. And some of their kids get D's and C's, but they're busting their butt.

And some of their kids get straight A's and they're busting their, you see what I'm saying? Like, I want to ask those men, those women, hey, what's the next right move here? That's where I'm going to garner a lot of my wisdom, okay?

But you see what I'm saying? You are spending the majority of your energy on who am I going to be when my kid fills in the blank, like does whatever. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I think I do a good job of being like firm. Um, as in, uh, like you was actually just yesterday, yesterday evening. Um, he likes suckers. So if we sit down and, you know, watch TV for a second, he can have a sucker, but he got up and kept running. And so no sucker, you know, running with a sucker in your mouth when you're two.

So I lost a sucker, man. I can't hold still. And I felt horrible about it, but also, you know, I had this vision of a two-year-old falling with a sucker. Yeah, that's called keeping your kid from dying. That's dad 101, right? Sure, yeah. And stuff like that. And then I think, well, shoot, was there something, maybe something else I could have done instead?

Nope, nope, nope, nope. That's the kind of stuff I get. I mean, I just go down those rabbit holes and things like that. And like, oh, well, we watched YouTube video of trackers. He loves trackers. And I say, oh, he's seen a phone and a smartphone. And, oh, we know what smartphones do. And, you know, those are the kinds of things that I run down.

I guess I just get caught up in the paralysis of the analysis. Yeah. Sit down. I mean, I've got all kinds of books I've half read. You don't need any more data, brother. You need some relationships. Right. Yeah.

You know how to be a good dad. Don't let your two-year-old run with a sucker in his mouth. Sure. You know what I mean? And I want you to consciously practice now. Practice right now. When you take that sucker away and he gets those big tears in his eyes or he lays on the floor and kicks and screams and you ignore him and you feel awful feel that

fully don't run from that because that is what dad feels like and when your two-year-old wells up and cries because you took away something to keep him safe or you took away something because he made a choice and there was some consequences on the back end of that that turns into when your kid is seven and you say hey you give me a hug before school and he goes no dad i don't like hugging you. And dude, that hurts, right? Or when they're 17 and they sit down and they say, dad, I fill in the blank with whatever life altering decision they made, right? So start right now feeling,

oh, sometimes being a dad feels uncomfortable. I got to do hard stuff. I got to tell my kid no, and I hate telling my kid no. I got to tell my kid, you made a choice and here's the consequence to that choice. Right? And for everybody listening, don't think I'm, like I do have, I very much have a research oriented like response to cried out method. And I've got very much research oriented responses to spanking and all. I've got opinions on all those things. And if we want to go down those rabbit holes, I'm happy to do that.

But Alex is like most of us. We have an analysis of paralysis. I like the way he said that we overanalyze everything and we keep seeking more data, more data, more data, more data, more data, more data, instead of more relationships. And if you just text somebody while you're sitting there, if you've got three or four guys that you trust, three or four women that you trust, and you can just text them and say, hey,

my kid has a rash that looks like this. And they'll all respond, all cool, simple, no problem. Phew, that was gonna have to go to the ER. Hey guys, my two-year-old just ran with a, took off running with a lollipop in his mouth and I took it out and he just started crying really hard. Am I a terrible dad? No, you're a great dad. All right, cool. We're just practicing. We're just learning new stuff. So focus on the relationship parts. You'll get the other things right. You'll get some of them wrong and that's all right. And that's why you want friends that can push back on you. And man, I'm happy to work through individual situations if you call. But the bigger picture is the tension and the anxiety. I'm usually outside of abusive situations. I'm more worried about that with the kids than I

am, whether it was two minutes or seven minutes or five minutes, or I swatted his hand or I'm more worried about that with the kids than I am whether it was two minutes or seven minutes or five minutes or I swatted his hand or I'm way more worried about, does your kid feel electrified in your presence or do you feel warm and safe to your kid? Let's focus on that, which means we're not fixing the kid. We're fixing us. That's a way harder proposition. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. It has a way harder proposition. We'll be right back. if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst.

If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at Better Help. Better Help is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and

you'll be matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. This is pretty rad. I haven't had this happen yet on the show. Julia Guglia returns like one week later so i'm gonna bring her on hey julia what's up hey dr john thank you so much for having me back of course okay so for everybody listening uh it's probably a week or two ago julia called in and so your son, you have a whole history of family stuff, but you were going to see your son's step family for Christmas in South Dakota or something? Yeah.

A little bit northern than that. Okay. North Dakota. Somewhere where it's cold and barren and sad. Yes. Yeah, we're going there, and he didn't want to go because he's 17 and he has a sweet little girlfriend and he has a new job. And so we talked about what do we do? We make him go, not make him go, all that.

Okay. And then Kelly, this just now said, hey, I have a surprise. Julia talked to him, did all the things you said, Deloney. And now she wants to talk to you again. And I can't, I don't even know really what's, this is gonna be awesome. Okay. So what's up? Oh man, okay. So yes, I took your advice.

And honestly, for the first time, or one of the very, I was like, I count on my hand, it's a handful of times I have stuck to my guns with my son. I felt good about what I was asking. I felt solid, like, yes, I am being rational. I told him, you don't get a vote, but you get input, like you said. And, um, I said, you know, we'll go work out and we'll do some things that you enjoy too. And I felt really confident and I didn't even second guess myself.

How'd it go? Really good. You know, it didn't really go that great. He, he definitely pushed back, which I was expecting. Um, he did, it did soften the blow somewhat when I took your advice and gave him some control over how we spend our time there. So that did help, but it did not really go well. He, um, we kind of fought about it, but again, I just said, you know what, you don't get a vote. You don't get a vote. I just kept repeating that. And, um, and a couple, couple of days went by and I've been asking him to take the time off of work for those few days for several weeks before we even spoke, um, hoping that he would. And, um, a couple of days go by after we had the talk and he told me that he was unsuccessful getting the time off work

because he didn't ask early enough. Oh, what a great flex. Hey, you raised a very smart young man. Well played. Like I'm tipping my hat to him. Oh, I definitely did. Well played. Well played. I just, I, yeah, I was, uh, half mortified, half like, wow, that's impressive. So, um. If, honestly, if that had been my kid, I would have high-fived him like well-played.

Uh, you know, and I, I've been really thinking, Oh, I know. And I've been thinking a lot about all of this and, um, you know, I, I don't remember, I know we talked about a lot, but I raised him as a single mom and, um, I really, my entire, or his entire life, I've had a hard time telling him no, because I just thought I brought this child into the world without two parents. And early on, I decided that I was going to try to give him everything he wanted in spite of that. And I think I really messed up. I really do.

I don't. And so I've always given into him. And, um, at this point, I don't really know how to differentiate between normal teenage boy behavior and, and my own expectations. If they're normal, if they're rational. And then we have this other history of me really having a hard time saying no to him because that's just where I'm at. And here we are. Yeah. because that's just where I'm at. And here we are.

Yeah. So I, sounds like he's, he's received a vote. He's got to vote his whole life. So this is, this is a, this is something he doesn't have the,

maybe not even have the psychological wiring for. Right. Yeah, I know. That's okay. It's all right. But he's going to face this at some point and it's better that he faced it from you than his first boss or from a college professor that fails him because he you know whatever right um right and so he's gonna he's it's the the day of

reckoning is coming um okay in or actually it's here. Um, and you've got, you've got glimpse number one. So no, and I think, I don't remember if I told you this, there's no chance that talk goes well in terms of, I think it goes well. And you said what you need to say. You said it in a way you need to say it. It doesn't go well where he leans back and he goes, gee, mom, you're right. Your job is to raise it a great man. And that means you have to say no. Sometimes you're right. Your job is to raise a great man. And that means you have to say no sometimes. You're right. It went to, no, man, me and girlfriend have already figured out how she's going to sneak over to the house while you're gone. And I'm going to make all this money. And so it was just a complete, his plans blew up. And they never blow up because he gets to decide everything that happens in his life. So here he is.

And so I'm going to think through this out loud. Is that cool? Absolutely. Yes. Yeah. Here's Avenue number one. Is this the hill you want to die on? Is this and what I mean by that is he's going to have to learn this.

Is this the one? Or is there another one? I don't know what the next step is. Is he a senior in high school or a junior? He's a junior. So I'll still have a year and a half with him at home. Okay. That actually makes a difference.

I'm thinking through this. Is this the hill I want to die on right now right or do you if you back off of this one because you're pretty resolute this time if you back off of this one does he go exactly like always right right so you kind of drew a line in the sand and he just smiled at you and stepped across it. And the second one is, I don't think, where does he work? He works at Chick-fil-A. Yeah. I don't think they'll fire him. I really don't. Especially if he walked in and said, I absolutely blew it.

I was supposed to take time off to go be with a family situation that I didn't want to be a part of. And I messed up, but I have to go on this thing and I really value this job. Right. I agree with you. Yeah. I don't think they will fire him. They might because they have to, but I've just done some work behind closed doors with that company for a couple of years and they are of the highest caliber of integrity especially when a young and when it comes to raising young people um the third option is which this is kind of the nuclear option is you tell him i'll go with you and i will sit with you when you tell your supervisor or your lead manager whatever they call them there that you didn't take the time off.

This is a non-negotiable trip and that you hope they don't fire him, but you understand if they have to let him go. Right. And you will look like the worst. Again, he's going to look at you not out of anger. It will be bewilderment. He doesn't know you.

No, he doesn't. You know what mean i know i know um and so he's a hundred percent age appropriate there's not one thing he's doing that makes me like oh no um he's never had a boundary and you put one up and of course he's gonna to run into it and see if it falls down see if there's a way around it a way over it can't go under it right he's that's his that's his job he's 17 right um what you have to be prepared for as he goes to war right i don't know how to i don't know how to do that i don't. But I definitely feel resolute in this because I feel like if I don't do it now, like you mentioned before, he's going to face it some other time or I'm not going to be there to help him and to counsel him. And it's going to come from left field. And I feel like I've already wasted or spent a lot of his

youth, not helping him with this skill. Have you told him what you just told me? I haven't, no. I think that's a good conversation to have. And he's not, he's not going to understand it, but he'll hear it. Okay. He'll think it's just, I mean, part of him, you'll be a Charlie Brown's teacher. And part of it is, hey, the world's coming for you at a thousand miles an hour and you don't even realize it yet. And because I loved you so much and I didn't want you to hurt so bad, I protected you from a lot more than I probably should have and i'm not gonna apologize for it because a it's over and b i did it out of love even though i did it i would probably do it differently this time and all i can control is what happens next but

when i say go to war it wouldn't surprise me if you came into like my office at the local university and you came in and he starts doing drugs he sneaks out he show he he runs away and goes to his girlfriend's house to try to avoid going on this trip like it none of that would would be shocking behavior to me okay that's good to know okay i mean it you still gotta, you still may have to call police to go find him. You still may have to get a coach or another mentor that, that is in his life that can help out, but not any response he has to these boundaries. Um, isn't going to surprise me. I would default as best I can. And again, I talk too much. You listen to this show, you know that. I err on the side of over-explaining. Okay.

I can do that. And it may be as simple as, man, I will help you. When we get back, I'm going to help you find another job if they fire you. I'll help you. Okay. Right.

You know what I mean? And that's kind of like a weird what? But I'll help you. And I'm happy to go up there and do it. But I think the right thing for you to do is to go let your supervisor know that you forgot to ask off or you didn't ask off soon enough

and you blew it, but this family trip is mandatory. Right. And it's, again, it's a hard, hard lesson. It's a hard lesson. But if this is one you want to stick to your guns on, man, I mean, you got my support and my vote. Thank you. I just don't want there to be an illusion

that it's going to be like, all right, you got me. I, you know, I don't think, yeah, no, I don't think for a moment that's how it's going to go. I keep wishing for that, but yeah, no, I don't think for a moment that's how it's going to go. I keep wishing for that. But yeah, I've been through enough now. But this time I'm not giving in. I'm not. I can't for his benefit. I have to keep telling myself that. This is for his benefit. And just with your help, and I'm confident in sticking with this and, you know,

I believe it's going to go. Okay. I do. And maybe the way out of the gate is, um, put two or three or four nice restaurants on the table and say, where, which one do you want to,

you get to pick where we go tonight. Okay. Cause, and you can tell them we're going to have mom and we're going to have mom talk number two And he'll roll his eyes and be like rolling big rolling big Or even set it up beforehand. Hey, I want you to go ahead before I even say anything I want you to roll your eyes as much as you can do it do it do it perfect and make him do it and do it

with him and Then say hey you get to pick two or three restaurants because we're going on mom and son talk number two. And I'm already telling you, you're not going to like it. This is part of being my son. And you know what I'm saying? Like, it was just kind of set the stage. But also, we're quietly kind of through the side door.

We're giving him some choice. Right. And he can choose to go talk to his supervisor. He can choose to have you go with him. He can choose to have you go with him. He can choose to quit, but he doesn't get to choose whether he goes on a trip or not. Okay, I like that.

Is that fair? It is fair. And can I say one more thing? You can say anything you want. Well, I just want to let you know that I completely agree with you that I Remember You by Skid Row is the best rock

ballad ever. Yes! Hey, I'm gonna, I don't want you to say your kid's name on here. Listen, young man, your mom's brilliant. She's very smart. Listen to her. You just, Julia, you just made my whole week Isn't that song incredible I get goosebumps I used to push play alone In my room and just stare up at the ceiling And listen to it over and over And it still rocks To this day I mean

And when I heard you say that I literally had to rewind The podcast I was like wait what Listen everybody Skid Row I I remember you. I want you to get in your car, put your headphones on, get in a quiet private place and listen to that song alone. And if you don't start crying, you don't have a soul. Ah, so good, Julia. You are the best of the best of the best. This will be hard. I wish I could tell you it's going to be not hard. It's going to be simple moving

forward. It's going to be really challenging. One last thing I would recommend, Julia, you have one or two women that you trust that you can reach out to when you're about to cave in. You have one or two or three men that you trust, that your son trusts, that you can reach out to, that they can go to coffee, they can talk, they can go to Cracker Barrel, Waffle House, whatever, go for a walk or a hike or a run. He can just complain about you and be like, she's just all of a sudden. And they can say, yeah, you're exactly right. Your mom's overnight delight came on.

She's seeing a fuller picture of your life. And the world's coming at you real, real fast. And mom is no longer going to be able to stand in the way. He is lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky to have you. And you're an inspiration to all of us parents who have realized, we need to make some changes and these changes are going to be real, real hard.

And the adult thing to do is to make the hard changes anyway. We'll be right back. All right, we are back. Let's go to Sarah in the warmest place in the U.S., Fairbanks, Alaska. What's up? I think that's where Oats Military Academy is. What's up, Sarah? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? Good. That was my Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure reference for those of you who weren't paying attention. So what's up? Hey, yeah. So I'm just going to start with my question.

How do I support my husband and focus on repairing our marriage when he is constantly worried about his health? Tell me more. Does he have cancer or does he have hormone disruption? Does he have health issues or what's going on? No, he doesn't have cancer. Oh no. Oh man, I can hear it. Oh honey, you are real, real, real close to resenting him.

Is he like a, is he like a, is he like that guy on sleep is in Seattle? I don't know what that is, but probably just always has like a, an ailment or a thing or his knee hurts or he's going for a walk with the kids and he's got to put like an ankle brace on. And he always has like, I think I've got a thing and he goes to the ER a lot.

Yeah. I can hear've got a thing. And he goes to the ER a lot. Yeah. I can hear that in your exhale. Yeah. I mean, I, I don't, I don't, I wouldn't say, you know, he like goes to extent of putting like ankle braces on and such, but, um, I, I would say that, uh, Is he hypochondriac? I mean, I would think so, yes. Okay. Give me an example.

Oh, for example, I mean, he'll come home and say that he thinks his, his gallbladder, you know, is giving out or, um, you know, he'll Google like the silliest things. Like if there's a red mark on his hand,

he'll Google it. Cause he, he won't be sure if it's something serious or not. Gotcha. Okay. Gotcha. Um, how long have you been his mom?

Probably too long yeah and it's weird trying to sleep with your son huh yeah and i mean that in all of the awkward gross ways it just sounded when i said it the whole thing right as soon as you start getting in a caretaker role and then you become like a you're fine honey and he's like am I fine and there gets this awkward dynamic then the last thing on earth is intimacy and sexual desire and that turns into his anxiety things spinning faster which in his case creates more, well, what about this? And my,

my fingers hurt. And then all of a sudden, I mean, you see, like y'all getting this dance now and it just, it's y'all end up, you're like, all right,

I'm done. So can I ask you a real, real hard question? Yeah. Um, is there somebody else for you um i don't know i mean you do or maybe it's not all the way there yet but almost or man it would be nice if it would be nice if yeah that's all you have to say.

I won't push you on that anymore. Um, I, and again, I'm going back to that single exhale. I could hear it. Like you're, you're at the end or let me say this way. You have put a lot of this on him. You don't like who you have become. Yes and no. You're like, no, this is all him. I mean, no, no.

I definitely like own to my mistakes um 100 but i i just feel like um we've only been married for going on almost four years so i feel like majority of the time we haven't really been in a happy marriage yeah so that's sad to say um yeah i feel like there's been more stressful times than happy times what's what's the's the root of the, of the, the unhappiness? Um, I know you've thought about it cause you've had imaginary conversations with him that you've never said out loud. Like you've, you at least in your guts believe this all starts at a place.

Where is that place? What is it? I don't, I don't know. I feel like there's just too, there's too much. I feel like that's gone wrong. It's like, what's going to go right? right. I, I asked him the other day and he, he told me that he thought that, um, my parents were the reason that our marriage was so bad. Are they? Partially. Why do you allow that? I don't know. That's a good question. I've been bad at setting boundaries.

Okay. Have you wanted to set boundaries between the... Have I wanted to? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Or let me say it this way. do you want to get closer to him yeah do you like the way things are right now no what's stopping you from making them different you're you're an adult in the united states you can kind of do whatever you want except for like shrooms and stuff right what do you want to do and when i say like you don't like who you're becoming here's what i mean not that you've said mean things and haven't done about hey you know you haven't put boundaries out whatever

you had a picture of yourself and you had a picture of your marriage, like a woman that was taken care of or that was super sexy or you were married with a guy and y'all go do crazy fun things and he would punch the guy at the bar who was mouthing off to his wife. I'm just making up crap, right? But you had a picture of what this looked like

and now you got kids? Yeah. How old? Two and one. Oh, good God almighty. So, okay. So you've been married four in an unhappy work and you have your eye. Somebody else makes your heartbeat a little bit faster.

You're an exhausted mother of two. Really, you're an exhausted mother of three. And your husband's way of getting attention from you, his way of finding meaning in your marriage and your partnership is something's wrong with me that I need you to help or I need you to feel sorry for me that's his entry point with you

and that's what I mean you just don't like who this you in this yeah I would agree with that is that fair yeah for sure so what do you do next well

we're in the process of moving for a start and is also working on getting better healthcare for himself. Nope. Um, time out. What are you going to do? Uh, let me put it this way are you done? are you done?

go ahead are you done? not with me with the marriage are you finished? because if we're finished let's just be finished no

do you want to stay married and build a life with this guy? yes do you want him to be your husband to be the father of your kids? he already is the father of your kids but do you want him to be your husband to be the father of your kids he already is the father of your kids but do you want to create a tightly woven together

new picture with this dude yeah absolutely are you just saying that no then we're going to start by we're going to stop judging him okay it's a waste of time it doesn't help when's the last time you sat down and looked at him and said your needs out loud very very clearly i have no idea let's start there Because at the end of the day, that's all you can control.

You can't control whether he feels a lump on the side of his leg or if he's got a weird mold that he feels like he's got to go to the ER about. You can't control any of that. You can control how honest you are with him. Yeah. And you can control your needs. Hey, I need this from you. And I need you to go get some, to go see a counselor

because we've gone to the ER a bunch, we've gone to the doctor a bunch and none of the things that have happened so far have proven to be life-threatening or even medical ailments. And so I'm concerned there's something else going on and I'm happy to go with you. And if you don't want to go, that's fine.

I'm going to go for me because I want to learn how to love you better. And right now I'm not doing a great job. See what I'm saying? And those are hard conversations. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Okay, what are you thinking? You're shutting down on me. Don't shut down. Uh, I don't know. It's just, it's a lot.

Although, I mean, he hasn't been diagnosed with anxiety, but I do feel like he does have really bad anxiety and I don't. As you've just described him, that's what it sounds like. What do you mean? He sounds like a guy with a ton of anxiety and having been one of those myself and having had some really really uncomfortable conversations with my wife over the years being married to somebody who has deep and profound anxiety is madness it's exhausting and you ultimately have to create a world that only you and your kids inhabit because your partner's electrified it's like being married to a taser

it's not safe and you didn't get married to have to build a life on your own inside of a cocoon you also didn't get married to have a third kid who's in an adult body so i'm i'm i'm i'm understanding having done what he has done done to you i've done that to my wife so i get it it's awful and the only way he heals is through connection that's not to put the burden on you. He's going to have to reach out and decide he wants to go get well.

But you can't make him do that. You can only say this is what you need. Because he knows you don't like him. Yeah, yeah. He knows that and his body's way of dealing with the fact that his wife doesn't like him is to create pains here or phantom things here or whatever you see what I'm saying

yeah yeah I feel like we have had a lot of hard conversations okay Yeah. I feel like we have had a lot of hard conversations. Okay. Typically they don't. Sometimes I go somewhere, sometimes I don't, but. I think you need some action steps at the end.

Because he's probably talked about your parents a bunch and you haven't done anything about it. Yeah, that's fair to say. I think, well, one, I think moving will help. Don't forget though. That doesn't. Well, no, it's just the moment y'all move into that new house and you get all the furniture down and the kids go to bed. You're going to look over on the couch and he's going to have two Kleenexes shoved up each, each nostril and have a heating pad on his neck.

And you're going to realize he went with you and you went with you. Right. Yeah. So moving might help proximity wise, but it's not going to solve your marriage issues because those are going to go with you. Yeah, I agree with that.

And if you've had a bunch of hard conversations, most of the time I talk to folks, they've not had these conversations. If you've had them, what y'all are in desperate need is action. You'll have to start acting differently. Yeah, I mean, that's the hardest part. It is.

And the only person's actions on the planet you can control are yours so you have to start acting different Call a counselor go to the gym Get a couple of women in your life that you're friends with call your parents and say we are not coming to the holiday Whatever or y'all are not welcome at fill in the blank. I don't know what the boundaries that's a probably a whole other phone call um are not welcome at fill in the blank. I don't know what the boundary is. That's probably a whole other phone call. If he asks you to come look at some weird mole or you can respond, I don't have the medical expertise to do that. But we do have a mobile physician and you should call them.

I'm asking you, I need you to not go to Google anymore because Google is like pouring gasoline on this fire in our home and you just find a thousand different. So I'd rather you talk to a medical professional. And since we have telehealth, you can do that. Right. So I need you to put all the screens down and just sit with me and hold my hand and watch a show in the evening. I need you to put all the screens down and just rub a show in the evening. I need you to put all the screens down

and just rub my shoulders in the evening. And I'll say this, don't cheat. Don't cheat on him. I'll leave it at that. Just don't. Just don't. You're worth more than that. Don't do that. Make sure to call and I know it's your stock. You feel like you're frozen in ice and somebody's got to take the first step. Even if you sit down and write yourself a letter and say, here's what I'm going to be moving forward. But I want to be somebody that I respect and that I treat with dignity.

And that means I got to act differently. And that starts today. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid

of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show in honor of the great Julia Guglia. I know we did this recently, but it's the song that makes my heart be a little bit faster. And it makes me love a little bit more. Songs called

I Remember You by the great Skid Row. Dave the Snake Sabo and Rachel Bolin. So great. Woke up to the sound of pouring rain. The wind would whisper and I'd think of you. I think of you.

And all the tears you cried, they called my name. And when you needed me, I came through. Paint a picture of the days gone by when love went blind and you would make me see. I'd stare a lifetime into your eyes. So that I knew that you were there for me. Time after time, you were there for me. Time after time, you were there for me. Remember yesterday, walking hand in hand, love letters in the sand.

I remember you. And through the sleepless nights, through every endless day, I want to hear you say, I remember you. Oh my gosh. Listen to that song right now. And be prepared for...

Hey, we'll see you soon. Party on.