The Dr. John Delony Show - I’m Not Sure I Want To Accept Her Apology

Episode Date: July 19, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A woman unsure if she should respond to her estranged mom’s apology letter - A mother uncomfortable with letting her struggling stepson stay in her home - A woman curious about her boyfriend’s intentions for their relationship Lyrics of the Day: "Boat" - Ed Sheeran Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. There were rules set in place, like if you bring it to my house, if you use, whatever, then you no longer live here. Can I just pause for a second? My question is, absolutely. Good for you! How do I stand in that boundary when I feel like it's being pushed back against me. What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Show about your mental and emotional health, about your family, about your love for yourself,

for other people, your relationships, your marriage, your kids, whatever you got going on. We talk about it live here on the show. If you want to be on this show, we're talking about everything. Whatever you're struggling with will help you figure out the next right decision. 1-844-693-3291. You're going to leave a message and Jenna and Kelly will listen to them and they will put together a great show and give you a call back or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. So 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. And I haven't mentioned this in a few weeks. Please, please take a second to like the show,

subscribe to the show. If you're watching this on the tubes, please just hit the subscribe button. It makes such an enormous difference for your neighbors who have no idea the show exists. Kelly, we were in a meeting the other day, we were talking about the data and the show continues. It's, it's staggering. It's a hundred percent rollover for every month. It's just, I've never seen anything like it. Every time we get like month over month, it's just tremendous growth. It doubles from it. Uh, I was with Blake

yesterday and he's like, we don't know, you know what to do with it. It's just keeps rolling like that. And so our listeners are amazing. They're incredible. And they tell their friends about it or they send it to their mother-in-law because everybody thinks their mother-in-law is a narcissist. I don't, my mother-in-law is incredible. You look like there's a... I'm just playing. My mother-in-law was amazing as well. I hit the jackpot.

She was fantastic. Yeah, mine too. Mine too. All right, let's get to the calls. Let's go out to Austin, Texas, the 512, and talk to Katie. What's up, Katie? Oh, no. Katie, you there?

Here. Okay. Sorry, you cut out for a second. Okay. Hey, what's happening? Yeah, no. Katie, you there? Here. Okay. Sorry. You cut out for a second. Okay. Hey, what's happening? Yeah, I got you. What's up?

So, first of all, thank you so much. This is awesome. I'm super excited. Also very nervous, so sorry in advance. All right. And first of all, thank you. I'm very nervous and excited. So, same boat, same team.

We can do it. Okay. Awesome. Is it still 1,000 degrees in Texas right now? Oh, my gosh. Yeah, and I'm eight months pregnant. No, nope, nope. My wife's in Texas right now with my kids, and she just said it's 1,000 degrees.

Yeah. What are y'all doing? Fix that, guys. Sweatfest. I don't know. Eight months pregnant?,000 degrees. Yeah. What are y'all doing? Fix that, guys. Sweat fest. I don't know. Eight months pregnant. Oh, gosh. Jeez.

I was like, fun fact, guys. Your shins can sweat. Gross. That's what I discovered last week at work. Gross. I don't know that my shins have ever sweat, but well done. Thank you. I'm sure it's possible.

All right. So what's up? What's up, you shin sweater? That sounds like a slur. Anyway, all right, what's up? Okay, so about a year ago, I cut off relationship with my mom. How come? Actually, it's the advice of two therapists at the time.

So growing up is a pretty chaotic existence. My sister has high functioning autism, but they didn't know it at the time. So she was very emotional and needed a lot of attention and just behavior, all that. And then my dad avoided being home by being at work. And so it left me at home pretty much. So I was kind of like the buffer between my mom and my sister. And like anytime my mom was just frustrated about anything, it just always was taken out on me.

And so there's just like a lot of baggage and stuff that went with that. And I was having a really hard time last summer. Um, and I was actually using better help plug for that. Um, and, um, I ended up on better help. I started with a different therapist and then got over there. But they're both like, you know, I really think every time you talk to your mom, it just really, it doesn't help anything. It hurts. You have a lot of damage and baggage there. I don't know how much detail you want to go into in the backstory of it all. I mean, I trust, I mean, the salacious side of me wants to know like, what'd she say? What'd she do? But I don't think that's important here. You've got two professional licensed therapists telling you, hey, you need to draw some pretty hard boundaries, right? And I know in my world, telling somebody to not talk to their mom, you don't just throw that around, right? So if two different therapists have told you that, then I trust you. I trust you.

I trust them. I trust everybody. This is where we are. Okay. Okay. Okay. There's just a lot of gaslighting, and everything was my fault, and everything would be fine. And I've heard you talk to other people about this. You're at home, and you'd be doing something, and all of a sudden, bombs would go off, and you have no idea why.

And then you're just trying to madly fix it. And I'm assuming that has followed you into your adult life. You're pregnant now. You got another, are you married? Yeah, it's married. I have a five year old.

Okay. So now she wants to run that relationship too. Well, yeah. And that's part of why I would cut so frustrated last summer. Like, and that's what kind of broke the straw for me was I was having a conversation with her and she was like,

well, I was really worried about your son. Like I thought he'd have a weight problem. I'm like, well, I was really worried about your son. Like, I thought he was going to have a weight problem. I'm like, he at no point ever had a weight problem. Like, I don't know where you're even getting this. And then she'd always make little comments about my husband and like, just stuff about my life. Like anything I could be like, we're going to the grocery store this weekend. She's like,

are you sure you can handle that? So we're here now. So we're here now. So we're here now. What happened? So I cut off relationship. She had mailed some things throughout the time, but I haven't responded to them because they were very cold and disconnected

and it was not sincere at all. But this last time she sent a letter and it was like, I moved to apologize for my selfishness. Like I didn't recognize your needs, struggles, and difficulties as a child. And then it was like, I love you, which is the first time she said that in any of her communications. She still signed it her first name instead of like mom or anything. But my husband's like, I think that's the best apology you're ever gonna

get out of the situation um which I I agree and it kind of feels like the ball's in my court now like either like I need to respond and I I just don't know if I need to and to me it was a very passive apology like sorry you had a hard time over there versus like sorry i was emotionally abusive well so so here's like as you're talking here's the thoughts running through my mind okay and it's going to sound like i'm coming at you i'm not i'm leaning up against your boundaries too okay okay um if you cut her off to try to get something from her, that's manipulation. That's what it feels like. If you cut her off to protect you and your family, and you really didn't even have a, unless she does A, B, or C, or D, and maybe you explain that to her, that's a totally different story. But if you cut her off and then she's just been like throwing,

um, little notes over your giant brick wall and she's trying to figure out what note is going to open the door. Um, then that's, that's manipulation. That's, that's,

I mean, it's, it's almost like I'm getting you back mom and I'm going to get you back by taking away your grandkids and your daughter. Totally fair. Um, I had no intention of trying, like, I don't, I didn't expect anything out of her. I've actually, honestly, I think you posted this on

social media, like pray for their, that they have deep laughter and a great life and like become whole and heal. And I honestly, like, I want that for her. I just can't keep putting myself out of obligation every week. Cause like, I'll be in trouble, quote unquote, which I know sounds ridiculous. No, it doesn't. I mean, it's, yes, it happens. But so, so what, what is making you feel like you have to respond to this? Um, when I cut her off, like it was honestly one of the scariest things I've ever done. Like, you know, when your heart beats, like, in your jaw and everything hurts. It was, like, one of those moments.

So I sent an email. It wasn't, like, the most tactful, probably. And I didn't list any grievances. So I don't know if it's fair to be like, why aren't you apologizing for the things I expected you to apologize for when you don't know what they are? But I don't know. I want to do the right thing. Every, you know, cutting off your mom is just such a huge thing. And no one understands it.

They're like, but that's your mom. So it just, I guess I want to not be cruel. I don't want to be cruel. I don't want to be trying to inflict pain. I'm not consciously trying to inflict pain. I honestly feel like I've been healthier mentally. I've been a better mom. I've been able to focus on the therapy. I actually finished therapy to the point where my therapist was like, I don't know that I need to see you every week. So that's honestly why I don't have her to talk to you right now. So let me, let me walk through a couple of, of choices. I think we've got number one. You told her I'm, I'm done. I wish you the best. I'm going to pray for you to have joy in your life,

but it won't be include me or your grandkids. That's number one. So think again, think of your boundary. You just, you just put up a wall and think of that wall that someone's just throwing stuff over the wall. They can throw that out. That's fine. You can't come over the wall. They can throw crap over all day.

So that's number one. Number two is you can respond by basically opening the little crack. I'm thinking of like a medieval castle, and there's a big thick wooden door, and they just move that little bitty thing at the beginning, in the door that's like a little bitty box. It's like a little bitty square, and all you can see is just your eyes. And you can lean out and go,

hey, I got your note. Thank you so much for sending that. I wish you the best, and close it back. Okay. You can do that. If you know your mom, I mean, you know your mom better than anybody.

If you do that, that might be a wink to her. Thank you so much that your apology meant the world to me. I'm really grateful. I wish you the best. That is, I'm not, we're not going back to the old days.

What I sent you in that email still stands, but I did want to say thank you. Like you can do that, but you know, your mom, for some people that that would allow their mom some peace to ride off into the sunset. For some, that would be just the crack they needed to, you know, bring a sewage truck and just start pumping crap through that door again. Right. And then the third thing is you go open the door and go running out and hug your mom in the field and like you know the the notebook music starts playing and all that kind of stuff so you know better than anybody what i would challenge you on is um um don't roll this off on your

therapist they made a recommendation but they didn't tell you what to do. You had to make the call. Yeah. Your friends have recommendations. Cool. But at the end of the day, you have to live with this. And so you, and you also know how your mom's going to respond. So I want you to feel empowered to do the right thing for you and your family and move forward from there. Okay. There's not a, there's not a, a one size fits all answer there. Okay. There's not a

one-size-fits-all answer here. Gotcha. That's why I haven't yet, because I actually received this letter on Mother's Day, I think, but with the baby coming, and last time when I had a baby, she was so unhelpful and honestly

very damaging at the time, so it's like that feels like walking back into a house that's still on fire. Why would I do that? Well, if you're going back in there to rescue somebody, maybe, but if you're going back in there to try to make somebody feel better and they won't get out of that burning house too,

then yeah, that's, I mean, yeah. Yep. That's it. Like I just escaped and, and she's one of those people that will fit in misery

to try to bring you back into it i think you've answered your own question then okay yeah well done well done katie um for everybody struggling with this kind of situation like you've put up a boundary whether it's with um an ex whether it's with a parent whether it's with a parent, whether it's with a grandparent, whether it's with whoever. Number one, expect that people are going to try to test that boundary and see if it's going to hold. They're going to run up against it. They're going to throw things over. They're going to send notes. They're going to try to find out, is this boundary going to hold? Number two, expect other people to be upset that that boundary exists because that boundary disrupts not just the the relationship between you and the person you're putting the boundary up But it it affects other people siblings friend groups, uh church groups everybody in between

The third thing is there may come a season when that boundary doesn't serve you anymore And we're ready to move on but for right now it's gonna stay or Whatever or i'm gonna give you a whatever. Or I'm going to give you a number four. I'm going to give you an ultimatum. These things have to happen or this boundary goes up. Great. Kind of like we talked about on a previous show. If you, 80-year-old man, kiss my teenage daughter after she's asked you and I've asked you not to, then we don't come around. If you're there, we leave, we leave. And if you drive down or fly down to my house and you knock on my door and you say, I am so sorry that I violated the dignity of your family,

but way more importantly, I violated the dignity of your bodily autonomy and the autonomy of your daughter. And I'm sorry. It will never happen again. Thank you for calling me out on my abusive behavior. It will never happen again. In fact, I'll be the chief advocate for you and your family. And nobody's going to be putting your hands on you. Then maybe you say, cool, we can open this door and give it a shot.

That's totally up to you. I just want people who put up boundaries. Boundaries are hard to put up. If you put up a boundary, you feel at peace. You've done the right thing. You're going to feel guilty. You're going to feel ashamed. You're going to feel those things.

If you feel the need to put up a boundary, put it up. Put it up. Hold to it. Good for you, Katie. I'm proud of you. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you

haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves.

I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our

emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. All right, let's go out.

Oklahoma, great. Let's go to Oklahoma and talk to Stacey. What's up, Stacey? Hi, Dr. John. Let's go to Oklahoma and talk to Stacey. What's up, Stacey? Hi, Dr. John. What's up? Oh, not much. That's the most Oklahoma answer. Not much.

Everyone in my family died. That's right, exactly. I know it. What's up? So speaking of boundaries, if we are. All right, let's do it. So I have been in a relationship with my fiance for about three years. He has a 15-year-old son.

He's had a history of addiction. He has about eight months ago came and lived with us, but there were rules set in place. Like if you bring it to my house, if you use whatever, then you no longer live here. So- Can I just pause for a second? Absolutely. Good for you. Good for you. Do you have your own kids?

Yes. So we also share an hour's child that is 14 months old. Okay. An hour's child that is 14 months old. Okay. An hour's child. Yes, an hour's child, because he has his stepson, or his son, my stepson. 21st century label. We have an hour's son and a their son. We have an hour's child.

So we do have a baby that's 14 months old. Go for it. Which, so about eight months ago, he asked to come to our house and stay there. He wanted to come live with us. So this boundary was set in place. Now that about three weeks ago, he almost died of a fentanyl overdose in my bathtub when nobody was home and the cops had to come kick the door down, I have said, you're not living here anymore. That was my boundary. Good for you. What I need to know

is how do I stand in that boundary when I feel like it's being pushed back against me? Like now that it's actually happened and I've set that ultimatum in place to say, no, this is where my daughter lives. You were told what the consequences would be. Now you have done that. You don't get to just say, she just doesn't want me living there because she's mean and she doesn't like me. The 15-year-old doesn't get a vote. And that's exactly what I think. 15-year-old can say whatever.

He does not get a vote. What about, is it your fiancé? Yeah, that's right. Fiancé is pushing back. Yeah. First of all, he enables him. You know, he purchases his nicotine for him. He lets him use THC-infused CBD because of his, quote, anxiety.

Well, he's had way too much leash to begin with as far as I'm concerned, but this was the boundary set in place when you came to live with us. This has now happened. You're out. Stacey, that's the easy part. That's the easy part. Your problem is not with this 15-year-old boy. Your problem, the 15-year-old boy is the proxy war.

Yeah. Your problem is with this guy you're dating. Yeah. He doesn't, yeah, because the kid, I mean. Here's what I think. I think he told you things are going to be different and you get to have a lot of influence over your little girl. Do you all live together?

We do, yes. Okay, so you get to have a lot of influence over this little girl's life, and your husband goes along with it. Yeah. And he doesn't like to say no to anybody, whether it's you or his 15-year-old. Oh, that's absolutely the truth. And now you are getting to see in real time, holy crap, this is who this guy actually is. Right.

And it's really gross. Oh, it's bad. I mean, it's physically, the physical anxiety that I get when he is around is debilitating. I mean, it's the number one problem in our relationship. I mean, he has stolen- I disagree. I disagree. I mean, he has stolen money or prescriptions. What's that? He's not the biggest problem. The biggest problem in your relationship is you and your fiance.

Right. It's just a point of contention, I guess I should say. It's true. But the bigger contention is your husband's choosing his child, which I'm going to go and say until y'all are married, he should be. He should. Oh, absolutely. And I agree with that. And.

But you have another child to protect as well. That's right. And he's not. And that is my child. And I mean, nothing will happen to her. Yes. I mean, literally over my dead body. It's not going to happen.

I mean, he has stolen money, prescription drugs. Of course. My family, my friends. He's a 15 year old who struggles with addiction. Right. And now that it's to the point that it has reached like maximum level, like my, my boundary is she and I will not be around him. But Stacey, you're trying to convince me I'm with you. I know. Why are you trying to convince me I'm with you I know why are you trying to convince me

same team because for three weeks this has been my life day in and day out like just constantly I would quit having the conversation because you're making

yourself insane oh I know I am like the conversation's over yeah if now here's where this gets ugly and messy and messy

and ugly you can look at your fiance and say if you need to be with him I understand, but it won't be in this house. Yes. Then that conversation needs to happen.

I just have not said those words. It needs to happen because you're both dancing around it. Yeah. All of his excuses are, you know, he needs us and it's a better place for him to be here than his mom. And he does, he needs that, but I don't want to drug my infant or my toddler through the trauma that I'm going to have to counsel out of her later

if she finds her brother dead. There you go. Which is exactly where we are. I mean, he almost died in our bathtub. Luckily, his girlfriend was there to call an ambulance, but the alternative would have been my daughter and I find him. I know.

It's just exhausting, Dr. John. It is, but you are exhausting yourself. Oh, I know. I'm going to tell you something crazy, but you got to be my friend after I tell it to you because I'm going to tell you straight. I will. There's a great psychiatrist. He's probably in his nineties now. His name is Irvin Yalom. And he's known for existential psychology. He's known for all these great things, but the thing I think he's most known for in my soul is he is a trainer of counselors.

And he said something that stuck with me when I was first training. I was really young into this mental health practitioner thing. And he said, in a counseling situation, in an interaction with somebody, everything is data. Everything is data. Here's what that means. You and I are not in a counseling relationship, but we're talking about what's the next right step, right? Right. He said, if you're talking to somebody as a therapist or as a coach and you find yourself so unable to continue to pay attention because the other person is so boring, probably their wife experiences that and their coworkers experience that and they start to tune him out and shut him off and that makes him nuts.

And so call that out. Or if somebody smells really, really tough, like it's really rough, and that means everyone else in their life experiences that too. And so the idea was not only the things that somebody's saying is data, but how they feel when you're interacting with them, okay?

So I tell you all that to say, I can feel how bottled up this stuff is and how machine gun fire and exhausting it all is. Oh my gosh, yes. Because I'm going- What I really want to do is just be her mama. I don't want to- There you go.

This is just, it's so much. It really is just so much. But you keep bringing gasoline back to the fire. Stop. Just stop. You have made your decision. You are right. And I'm going to go one step further.

I wouldn't, if this was just about a little boy who's struggling, and I'm going to say a 15-year-old, this little boy here, a child who is struggling with addiction, who is close to overdosing, that wouldn't be the reason. But I know and you know a kid struggling with this type of opioid addiction

who's got a mom whose home is not safe, he's got a dad with no boundaries, who's stolen from family, stolen from friends, stolen from community members, that's the behavior I don't want my daughter around. Correct. I don't mind my children around hurting people if there's adults to regulate that interaction. Y'all don't have that because you have an enabling adult. And it is beyond just a hurting person. It's a person who's now inflicting harm on other people. That's what I'm going to separate my daughter from.

I have no problem doing that. The problem y'all are going to run into is y'all built a life together. You created a kid together. You've been together for three years. And now there's a fracture. And y'all have to address the reality of that fracture and blaming this 15 year old kid, blaming, I got to protect my baby. All that's true, but that's on the outside. What's on the inside is I don't love a man who is so weak. He won't help his 15 year old son.

I don't love a man who is so incapable of helping his son. They're just going to watch him die in our bathtub for God's sake. I don't love a man who's so weak. He's just going to put our four-year-old daughter in harm's way like this. And like you mentioned, even if the boy is okay, he's got girlfriends showing up. He's got a dealer showing up. Who knows coming to your house? All I can say is you are right. But they aren't the problem. The problem is you have now had a new pair of glasses

with which to view the man you're engaged to and you don't like what you see. I know. That's what you got to deal with. Fair? Yeah, totally see. I know. That's what you got to deal with. Fair? Yeah. Totally fair. I'm sorry. That's okay. I mean, I wouldn't have called if I didn't think you were going to just tell

me straight. I hate that. I don't want to pretend that this doesn't change everything. Oh, yeah. It does. The whole thing's a mess. I get that. I'm so sorry. I mean, I just hate that for everybody. It is a mess for everybody. I will say this. I don't think that, that your marriage is, is irredeemable. I don't think this 15 year old little boy is irredeemable.

I don't think any healing happens until somebody, you've heard me say this, but somebody turns the lights on, stops the music and says, this dance is over. Here's reality from this point forward. And then people get to make adult decisions and opt in or out. And that 15 year old may get the boundaries that he needs desperately to survive. Or he's going to die under somebody else's roof because you are not going to sit down and watch this happen. No. Absolutely right. Fair?

Absolutely fair. I hate this for you. I'm sorry. I know. That's okay. I'd give you some conversation cards, but that just feels like I'm kicking you while you're down. Right?

Yeah. I'm not ready yet. No, I was playing. Oh, geez. All right. Well, let me know how I can help anyway as you move forward through this. And we'll be thinking about you, man. This is one of those calls that you can't button up with happily ever after. This is just a lot of really hard boundaries and a lot of hard conversations. And there's probably gonna be a lot of hurt and a lot of tears, especially initially. As you say, as for me and my house, me and my baby girl, we're gonna be safe. And it doesn't include this. Thank you for the call, Stacey. Call anytime, anytime, anytime. We'll have you back. We'll be right back.

Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though, is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even

share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music, you can create your own personal prayer plan, and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice, and here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it

and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself and sometimes you do this with a group and Hallow helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Hallow, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show, get three free months

when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, we are back. Let's go out to Hampton, Virginia and talk to the great DJ. What's up, DJ? Hey, how are you? Good. Oh, good. I thought it was DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince. It is not. Thank goodness. No, it is DJ Laryngitis

going on right now. Excellent. I sound like I'm the one that's been partying, but I have not been. You have, DJ, and it's okay. It's a safe space on the show. I don't even think the show is probably a safe space, but I have not been. You have, DJ, and it's okay. It's a safe space on the show. I don't even think the show is probably a safe space, but hey, you're good. You're good.

We will pull up a seat for somebody with laryngitis, no problem. What's up? Thank you. Okay, so my question is, what do I do now? But obviously, you're going to have a little bit of background. So long short of it, I met a great man, um, through a mutual friend. He was in the middle of a messy divorce, so I did not pursue anything. Um, and we, uh, I was there more of a supportive role.

We kind of realized we liked each other and we saw each other about every, um, every two weeks given my custody arrangement and, um, in, given my custody arrangement during his separation. So we are three months after his divorce is final. And this has been almost a year now that we've been talking and been there for each other. And I'm just wondering, I brought up intentions and that I wanted to build something significant with someone and was wondering if he saw that potential for us. And along with that would be, you know, introducing our children eventually, not for a while still. And, um, just kind of wondering, uh, you know, what do I do now? Just step back and keep the ball in his court and let him figure out what he wants and, uh, go from there. How long have you been divorced? Um, let's see my son's four and a half. So we've been divorced. Um, it's been over two years, but we've been separated since my son was almost a month

old. Okay. Is this your first time you've been dating or is this just the first time you've dated somebody and you're like, I don't like this guy. Um, first time I tried online dating went on a few days. It was awful. And, um, yeah, I, I highly don't recommend it. But yeah, this is the first guy that, you know, is really just a wonderful man. And, you know, when I say these things, it's, we have the same morals. We grew up the same way with, you know, in a Christian home. And we have similar values with how we want to raise our children. And he's kind and, you know, chemistry is there too. So it's all the good things. Um, but I know he's going through a lot.

Yeah. What's, what's the, do you feel this, um, and again, I'm not saying this, like talking down, I'm saying it's like, just imagine you and I are sitting at a table and we're both cracking up. Okay. All right. Do you feel like, okay, I've been on, on gosh, the words I'm using here are really obnoxious. And so just for the casual listener, I'm being obnoxious on purpose. Do you, you've been on the market for two years and you see this guy and you're like, these guys don't come around. And so I want to lock it down. Or do you feel like a soul connection with somebody after a year? Like what's the rush to not just have a great time for the next year?

Laughing and carrying on and going on dates and being goofy and playing pickleball and going to concerts and whatever. Yeah. I, you know, there is no rush because I've checked the boxes in my life. I've gotten married. I've had a child. I've been with him. You know, we don't want more children. We've talked about these things. Yet, yet, yet.

You know, there is no rush. Well, I'm 39. I'm done. Oh, sister. When you sit in this seat. I always top the dog. It's a good. You know, and he does feel like somewhat of a unicorn just because of, you know, meeting all the marks.

I mean, goodness, being able to agree with someone on the way you raise children. That's hard enough as it is. So I get, I 100% get that. My concern for you is, in your words, messy divorce. It was ugly for him? His wife started seeing a neighbor and had their children around this person before he ever knew it was even going on. And then there was a custody fight and a whole mess separating this thing? Yes, sir.

Yeah. So I think there's going to have to be some trauma processing on his side. For sure. The person he went all in on took his chips that he cashed in on the table and handed them to the neighbor. And then fought him over it and bargained with the kids. Yeah, it was terrible. Right.

So he's been through it and he's going to have a physiological reaction to it. What I don't want for you is you to be a safe, like warm place to land for a minute. Right. Until he can catch his breath and then be like, all right now, because you're going to get really hurt in that process. Oh yeah. So I think you are super, super wise to say, Hey, I'm, I am, I'm being honest. I'm going all in. I'm taking a risk.

I've got long-term intentions here, but also he needs to have the space to say, yeah, I want to love somebody again, but right now my face is still burned from what just happened. Right, right. And I don't think either one of those two things means anything other than, cool, we're just going to be able to hang out and have fun. Yeah, I mean, at the end of the day,

I still want to be his friend because he's a good person. Yeah, and he's awesome. And you think he's a smoke show. That's all good. I'm worried about him. If he called my show and said, I just went through a really messy divorce. In the process, I met someone who was awesome. My first words to him would be slow down. Yeah. That'd be my first words to him. Right. him would be slow down yeah that'd be my first words to him right and at the same time i also know you're like oh dude the unicorn i love how you said that because that's you being honest

i've got a couple of folks of people's people who i love who are divorced and recently divorced are going through the process and their experience is very much like your experience. Oh, awful. I did not know humanity was like this. Yeah, it's really disappointing. But, you know, I just don't have any rush into wanting to, like, I need to be in a relationship or I need someone in my life. And I've told him that. I was like, look, I don't need you, but I want you in my life. That's a perfect thing to say. I love that.

I love that. And I don't want you to get devastated if he says, I want you in my life, but we're going to do it real, real slow. Or I just want to hold hands with somebody that's not going to stab me in the back. Or I just want to smooch somebody that's not, you know what I mean? Like, I just, I want to go to movies and do whatever. Like, just the slow play in, I just, I don't know, I think

that just feels right right now. Yeah, I gotcha. And I know that's disappointing because it'd be awesome if he was like, I'm free from an evil person and you, DJ, you, laryngitis and all, will you marry me? And that'd be cool, But that'd be insane.

I think I'd say yes. That's too quick. Yeah. Good for you. It took me, it took me a while to process. Cause I went through a nasty, um, divorce myself from an alcoholic and I'm still dealing with, you know, him and his issues. But, um, you know, the limited amount of time we have to see each other. I have my son have primary custody, and he spends one overnight with his dad every other week. So it's made me take things slow, which is great. That's really great. That's awesome, awesome, awesome.

Good for you. Do I step back, or is it okay to still initiate? I think the best thing... So do I step back or is it okay to still initiate? Oh, I mean, I think the best thing to do is to be authentic and upfront and honest and really press him to be upfront and honest too. Right. Okay. And I think it's important to call out both of y'all are burn victims at this point. Yeah, similar hurts. Yeah, you got similar hurts.

And so give each other permission to say, wow, my body is going full trauma mode right now. My body is going full run for the hills right now. And that doesn't mean anything about DJ or about him. That means you got a body that's just saying, hey, we've been down this road before, remember? And it almost got us killed. How about we don't do that? Yeah.

And the only way towards laughter and peace and fun is to go right through it again and you if this thing works you're gonna have to open your heart and be vulnerable to another guy and he could yeah scorch you and vice versa and so you're to have to practice and slow play that. It's going to be scary. And it could be awesome. I think almost everything that's worth it is scary, right? Always. Always.

Always. And that sounds good on Instagram and scary things kill you too. They destroy everything. So I think that's, that's the great, the great of life is all the good stuff's man on the other side of the storm, all the good stuff's on the other side of, ah, and there's bears and tigers on the other side of the storm too, right? It's both It's both and. So I'm going to get a group of people to go with me through this thing.

You know what? If I had one piece of wisdom for you and him, it would be to make sure y'all have a couple of people in your life that's not each other that will just hang out, go get nachos and a beer, go hang out, just do whatever. That there's not going to be all of this pressure to make this thing your only friendship um that would be really helpful and you'll have somebody to talk to i like him i like

him he can be like i think i like her and their but your buddies can be like you're crazy or or not whatever but i think having some people in your life just to walk with you just to be your friends just to be your friends hang out have be your friends. Hang out. Have fun. But I'll tell you this. I've talked to a lot of people in this situation, and you're about as wise as they come, DJ. Good for you. Thank you for being honest and up front.

And best of luck to you guys. Holler at me anytime if I can help. We'll be right back. Alright, as we wrap up today's show, I want to thank you guys for being with us. Don't forget to send this episode out to people that you think will benefit from it or will enjoy it.

Don't forget to like and subscribe and all those ways that you tell the internets that you are down with this show. Thanks for riding with us. I'm super, super grateful for y'all. Song of the Day is from Jenna's second favorite band. Her first favorite band.

Actually, it's her ninth favorite band, because her first eight favorite bands are all Taylor Swift. Her ninth favorite band. And her first tattoo on the back of her neck. Kind of a weird place to go. She went all in on the first one. From the great Ed Sheeran. It just says Ed in big red block letters.

Not weird at all. And there's a barcode right underneath it. She did that too. Song's called Boat off his new record and it goes like this. Came in for the embers. Stayed out for the breeze. I need to feel elements to remind me. There's beauty

when it's bleak. Stuck out long before lights I need to feel elements to remind me. There's beauty when it's bleak. Stuck out long before lights down. Why do I breathe? Oh, I know. The more that I love, the less that I feel. The times that I jumped never were real. They say that all scars will heal, but I know.

Maybe I won't, but the waves won't break my boat. The waves won't break my boat. I love that. See you guys soon. Take care. Stay in school. Don't do drugs or smoke cigarettes.