The Dr. John Delony Show - I’m Resentful That Fatherhood Doesn’t Look Like I Planned

Episode Date: February 9, 2022

Your family probably looks different than the perfect picture you’ve always had in mind. Learn how to cope as we talk to a mom who doesn’t know why her child is having fits of rage, the father of a special-needs boy, and a wife struggling to connect with her husband now that they have kids. Our 6-yo son has outbursts of rage & we’re not sure what to do My son has special needs & I resent that life looks different than I planned My husband makes sexual jokes around our young kids & I don’t like it Lyrics of the Day: "When You Were Young" - The Killers Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Greensbury Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a mom whose young son is having outbursts of rage and she doesn't know what to do. We talk to the father of a special needs son who just wants to be a good dad. We talk to a young mom whose husband keeps making sexual jokes around the kids. Whoa! Stay tuned. Hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Man, so good to talk to you and see you. Hope you're doing well.

It is an icy, snowy mess here in Nashville. And it is beautiful, like I've never seen before. And dicey. How was it getting to work this morning, guys? We got there. It was the parking lot that was tricky. Yeah, I went to pull in the parking lot, and I just slid right past the whole entrance and just kept on going.

Man, my neighborhood out in the woods. Man, I need a tractor. I need a tractor I need a tractor we need listen we need to send this podcast to more of your friends and subscribe to it on the tubes so that we get more money

so I can get a tractor that's what we need do you guys want tractors Austin you look great in a tractor so if you had a tractor you may do better in the snow

but that means you get to work like 45 minutes late instead of 5 minutes late instead of 10 minutes yeah well Instead of 10 minutes late. Yeah, well played. I see what you did there.

But you wouldn't slip. I would go 11 miles an hour. All right, this is going to get sideways. Did you notice, James, I'm trying not to say mean things anymore? Yes, I've noticed the past two days. You've done great. It's little wins, James. It's little wins.

Life change, one moment at a time. Let's go to Ellen in Des Moines, yes. Iowa and Des Moines. What's up, Ellen? Hey, Dr. John. How are you? I'm good. Thanks for having me on.

You bet. Sorry for being late, man. It is treacherous getting out of my neighborhood this morning. No problem. We had all the snow this weekend, so I'm used to it. Yeah, y'all are used to it. Yeah, this Texas kid's still figuring it out. So what's up?

How can I help you this morning? So I have a six-year-old son, and he's strong-willed. He's overall well-behaved, but he has these outbursts of rage and anger at home where he'll throw and push things. He'll scream and hit. And I just don't know what to do. Oh, man. What have y'all tried?

Everything. It feels like when it happens, we've tried. I go through like a checklist in my mind. I've tried to give him some space alone, but then I'm like, well, I don't know if that's the right decision. I've tried to sit down just with him away from his siblings and talk to him. We've, we've tried, like, I hate to admit it. We've tried spanking. I feel like we've tried everything to de-escalate the situation. Sure.

And I don't know what to do. How many other kids you got? We have three. We have a three-and-a-half-year-old and an almost eight-month-old. And then how old is this one? He's six. So this one's the oldest. He's the oldest, yes. Oh, okay.

I just said that kind of dismissively. I don't, so, well, I'm writing a note to myself here. All right. So, here's how I kind of work through, not kind of, here's my model for working through these situations. Okay? Okay. It's environment, the model, language, and then medical. Okay. So I always want to keep an antenna up, if you will, for something medical. Is there some sort of

disorder? Is there some sort of, I don't even say disorders, some sort of adaptation? Is there brain issues? Right. Those are rare, but they're there, okay? I put that last because I want to try some other things up here first. The first would be environment. And when you tell me that you have a six-year-old and then you have a three-year-old and an eight-month-old, my first picture without even meeting this, is it a boy or girl? Boy. This beautiful little boy is, he was everything And now he's at the bottom

Yep Is that fair? Yes that's very fair And that's not anybody's fault That's not a fault thing That's just a life thing Is somebody's got diapers And somebody needs to eat

And you can bathe yourself Go bathe yourself And then it comes out as a nuclear reactor, right? Yeah. Is there any place where he's learned this? Yeah. I mean, I would admit that in the past, I haven't always handled situations the best. What does that mean? Are you an exploder? Yes. Okay. Yes. Okay. What about your husband?

Somewhat, not as much. His job is more demanding, so he's not always home when the situations happen. So it's more me that explodes. Okay. Partly because I'm home alone. Right. Right. So what type of pressure, um, or what type of support does he provide when he is at home? He is really great about doing anything I ask him to do. If I tell him like, here's what I think we need to do. And we need to do a, B and C and like lay out an exact plan. He'll do it without support me no matter what. It's just a little bit harder when I'm trying to figure out, okay, what do we need to do that I don't have as much support. So he's less of a supporter in terms of planning, caring, taking initiative.

And he's a doer. He's got strong arms, right? Yes. He'll lift the box that you you point him and tell him to lift i actually think that's less helpful i can hire somebody down the street to do that yeah it's more about investment and we're on the same team not a fourth kid that just will do whatever you say right um so a couple of things here. First is my guess with three little kids,

what you just explained about being at home alone, a lot, him gone a lot, your marriage is, is there's some, there's some stress on it right now. Is that fair? That's fair.

Yeah. Okay. So one of the, this is going to be, I don't, this be controversial. People are going to give, put mean comments about me and that's fine. yes. Okay. So one of the, this is going to be, I don't, this would be controversial. People are going to give, put mean comments about me, and that's fine. I'm right. One of the key anchors for your son is going to be mom and dad like each other. Mom and dad are connected.

I can anchor into that. And if I don't feel safe, then my body reacts to something's not right. And my guess is when you're anchored into him, you are a little bit more. And when he's anchored into you, he may be a little more perceptive or maybe a little more connected. And I know it sounds weird. You call me about rage and I'm talking about your marriage, but that radioactivity spreads throughout your house. And then you feel it. He feels it. He's going to step away. He's going to come home a little bit later. You're going to get a little bit more angry. And then each one of your kids is going to have a different response based on what they learned,

what their genetic wiring is, and all that's going to play into their response. See how it's a system that we're talking about, not just an incident? Yep, yep. So what I would love for you to do is this, and very few couples will do this, and it would save marriages. It not only save marriages, that sounds so dramatic, it just gives people a better life.

I want you and your husband to get a babysitter, even if you can't afford it, get one. And y'all go redesign your life now that you got three kids. You probably did a lot of dreaming and thinking about what life was gonna be before kid one. Was kid one on purpose or an accident? On purpose, yeah, each of them.

So you planned for that one. And then now all of a sudden, it's just add a kid, add a kid. And now every single part of your life is different. And if you don't stop and acknowledge it and say, man, we used to have fun. We used to just make out all the time. And now I'm just got poop on me and you're working. You got to say those things out loud and acknowledge them.

And then say that creates a space where y'all can safely talk to one another. And he can say, I don't know how to say this, but I miss sex. And you're going to be like, your first thought is going to be like, I'm cleaning crap up. And you're going to go, I miss you too. And then you can say, I really need you to be invested. I need your ideas around here. I need your support. I need you to feel like you're not just a fourth kid.

And here's what that could look like. And you're creating a context where y'all can safely talk to one another. Is that fair? Yep. Yep. And then we get to your little one. If you have moments where you burst, and I want you to really be careful about yelling, okay? If you do, I want you to go to your six-year-old and look him in the eye. Get down at his eye level. You go to him and say, mommy should not have yelled and I'm sorry. And I want you to hug him. Because yelling for a little kid is fear. It triggers a fear response. And then they act out of a response. They're not acting out of

their cognitive part of their brain, okay? And I want you to do the last thing in this. After you and your husband have your meeting together, you've probably heard me talk about this on the show. I want you to create a family values chart and bring that six-year-old along. Not the three-year-old and not the eight-month-old, but the six-year-old. And I want him to know he is a cornerstone of this family now. He's six, I know. But he gets to be invested in this thing and he gets to pick some things. Like when your husband says, we are people who laugh.

I want your son to add one. We are people who, whatever your last name is, the Smiths. The Smiths are people who, whatever your last name is, the Smiths, the Smiths are people who don't yell. And then he'll look at you and you can say, I know mommy yells, but mommy's going to stop. It's going to work on not yelling anymore. So when mommy does yell, I want you to, you get to, I don't know, you get to point at me and you get to say no yelling mommy, right? Whatever the thing is. As a part of that, we do not throw fits. We use our words, not our hands.

And when that happens, when he throws a fit, when he goes into one of his rages, then he is opting out of being with you guys. Not you're kicking him away, not that you're hitting him, not that you're sending him. You are out of my presence. You've done a thing that you can't be with me. It is, oh my goodness, you opted out by acting like this.

And what he'll learn in short order that using his words is better than the new, it serves as a release valve, for lack of better terms, for his rage. And really in rage as a kid is I feel trapped. I've got all these emotions. I miss my mom. I don't know why there's so much tension in this house. Why is this eight month old getting more attention than me? I used to be the only one. I don't have any words for that.

And so I just smashed off. And he needs to learn that that behavior is his choice to opt out. And so he's going to learn new behaviors where he will stay plugged in because that's really the root of all of this is he wants to be reconnected to everybody. Is that fair? Yep. Yep. It sounds like a lot and it's not. It's a planning session, a grieving session of what was, planning session of what is to come with you and your husband, getting on the same page about family values. I need you. I need you. And then it's going to be about bringing the six-year-old along and letting him know he's a part of this thing, which means he's got some responsibility.

And then last one, if you feel like you're going to yell, come up with a system that somebody you can call that you can step away, plan. I don't know what your financial situation is, but plan for some time just for you to get out of the house. That's a lot. Three little ones is a lot, a lot,

especially in COVID and all the lockdowns and all the crazy. That's a lot on you. And I want you to take care of yourself. Yep. Are you doing okay? Yeah, I am. I think I need to do better at that though, for sure. Take away the needs and take, and I want you to say like, I need to do this because then it just becomes a chore.

And then you get annoyed at you because you have to take care of you. Right? Instead of saying, I need to do this, I want you to say, I get to. I deserve to. Yeah. Fair? Yes. You, my friend Ellen, you are worth taking care of yourself. And I'll tell you this. Your kids can't be okay unless you're okay.

So I want you to work on you too. And for most of us, I don't know, it starts with our marriage. I wish it wasn't the case. I wish we could buy into the nonsense we've got the last hundred years, which I just need to be me, bro. And then we'll all come together. That's not how that works. We got to come together together.

Come together together. That sounded stupid. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make.

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stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillem are back. I cannot tell you how nervous I am, how excited I am that finally, after, man, it feels like a year and a half of work on this deal, my new book, Own Your Past, Change Your Future, is now on presale. You can get, you can, you can pick up, you can go to johndelaney.com. You can't pick it up yet. You can go to johndelaney.com and pick up. I keep saying pick up, James. You can't pick it up yet. You can order it

presale. And it comes with hundreds of dollars of presale stuff that's going to come with it for free. Guys, I'm real excited about this. In this book, I'm gonna walk through a common sense approach. I think we've over sensationalized and over complicated what being well is, what mental health is. And in the book, I unpack a number of stories, just wildness that we've been told is normal,

that we've been told is the quote unquote way to do stuff. And when we feel that gap between what our life actually is and what we're supposed to be doing, our brain sounds the alarm, our body sounds the alarms. And man, over the next, I don't know, 12 weeks, I'm going to unpack some of these stories and we're gonna take particular calls. Over the last year, I've taken so many of these same calls. We've gotten so many emails that I incorporated them into the book. You are a part of this book, listeners.

Y'all are a part of this thing. And so we're gonna take calls related to different aspects of the book. So I can show you guys how we're all living this mad world and there's a simple, it's ancient path out of this thing. It's really simple and it's really hard, but we can all do it, right? So go to johndeloney.com.

Hey, by the way, you get the free audio book. You get the free ebook. You get a free month of counseling and better help, other stuff. Go to johndeloney.com and pre-order the book, Own Your Past, Change Your Future, right now. All right, let's go to Ryan in Denver. Hey, Ryan, what's up, brother? Dr. D, it's good to talk to you.

How are you, sir? Good. It's good to talk to you, my brother. So what's up, dude? Well, I kind of got a long-term problem that needs some help and needs some work through. Three years ago, I had my second child. He has a disability, which causes him not to be able to walk very well. I would say that he can get around on flat, hard surfaces, but that's the limit of his ability. And as a kid myself, I was super into sports, super into physical activities.

And my dad was right there with me and going into our adult lives, we just kept it going. I mean, we've run marathons together. We hike mountains together. We've remodeled our houses. Like a good Saturday afternoon is ripping out the chainsaws and getting after it. Like that is a good way to spend time with my dad. And looking at my son and looking at our relationship, I have a deep-seated fear. And I would even say that it is into resentment that I will not have that same experience with my son. And I don't know what fatherhood would like a healthy father son relationship looks like if it doesn't include all of these physical things. Um, I like, I'm not afraid to learn that. I'm not afraid to understand what that means and unpackage it, but I'm mad at the universe that we're in this situation.

I'm really sad. I have some resentment. I have some fear, and I don't want that to poison our relationship because he's a good kid. He's an awesome kid. He's an awesome kid. He's an awesome kid. I love the kid to pieces But

But I don't know what the future looks like With a kid like that And a guy like me I can't tell you Where did you learn that language? Yeah, I learned that from my father Okay I'm saying like Your ability to articulate how you feel is reminiscent of someone who's done some extensive counseling or has an extraordinary father.

Well, we've done both. Okay. All right. Okay. Okay, all right, all right, okay. Your ability to parse through, I'm both angry, and here's where my anger is directed, at our future relationship, which is a separate entity. Man, it takes months to get people to realize you're not mad at her, you're mad at what is, right?

At the relationship. That's so hard, and you're already there. That you can articulate anger and resentment and sadness dude you're way down the road i want to tell you you're a brave guy because here's why most guys would not say out loud what you just said and they bottle that stuff up and it poisons everyone including themselves and they die young and they rob everybody of relationship, of safety, of feeling loved. And you're not doing that.

And you're maybe one of the more honest people I've talked to in the last few months and I'm grateful for you. It's awesome. Now, you've said the right words. I don't get a sense that you have felt them yet. No, not really. I feel like if you felt them, it would be overwhelming in a way that you might not,

that you don't feel like you're ready for. Yeah. I would say when I look at the landscape of my life, I can see it over there. It's just over there. Yeah. But it's not right here yet. Why not?

You know, I would say like. What are you scared about? Honestly, so the reason why it's not here is because he's three and he's surrounded by three-year-olds. And his disability is hidden by the fact that none of the kids are super, super physical either. Like nobody is running and jumping, and nobody, like, they run and they jump, but it's close enough that it doesn't look that different. So it's not here yet.

And he's got a younger sister, and he's still way more mobile than she is. But the day when she surpasses him, I think is when it's going to really hit. And that's going to be the big day day So here's what you're doing right now You love that little boy And you Can I be real hard?

Is that cool? You remember The way you used to look at boys Like that when you were a kid Yeah And you remember the way you and your buddies made jokes about people. I was there too. Until my very best friend on planet earth was in a life altering car wreck and

he's unable to move most of his body now. And that was 25 years ago. And then I spent the last 20 years working with people with all different kinds of special needs, whether they're mobility challenges or able body challenges or, or cognitive challenges. And it rechanged my life, but I had to go through a series, a season of grieving who I used to be because I used to suck. Cause like you, I thought every kid should run fast, and I was a high school hero athlete, and me and my dad played, you know what I mean?

I was too. And I know exactly what you mean. And so, you're going to have to go through a period of forgiving yourself. And say, I'm sorry. And then, the other thing you're doing is you love this little boy so much, you are casting into the future how bad his life might be,

and you're trying to protect him from those things. And you're going to rob yourself of your current relationship, always anticipating future hurts. Let's be honest. Kids are going to make fun of them because kids, always anticipating future hurts. Let's be honest. Kids are going to make fun of him because kids suck. They just do. And he's going to have periods of grief where he wishes he could run and kick a wall too. And that's going to suck.

And y'all are going to find some things that y'all do together that no other dad and son do. And you grew up with a dad who was hyper-intentional about loving you. Demonstrable. He showed you love. He didn't just talk about it. And I have every belief in my, every bone I have in my body that you're going to figure that out. Whether that you're going to be the greatest Call of Duty dad of all time. That game sucks.

Don't play that. But you're going to be the greatest call of duty dad of all time that game sucks don't play that but whatever you're going to be the greatest whatever guy of all time or you're going to figure out how to take him hunting with it some cool there's some great opportunities to there's all kinds of stuff y'all you're going to figure it out but you got to get past your self-forgiveness you got to get past catastrophizing his future for him and there's even probably a part of you that's looked at one day you're going to die. And then who's going to be there to protect him. Yeah. And have you already been there?

Been there, done that. Okay. Yep. The trust fund is being funded as we speak. There you go. Here's, here's more important than your money.

Here's more important than your money. Yeah. More important than your money is you create a young man who freaking loves himself. Who is scared of nothing. Who is able to go, that sucks and that really hurts and I'm moving on. Who learns the same words that you've learned. I'm angry. I'm resentful. I've learned. I'm angry. I'm resentful.

I am sad. I'm heartbroken. And then you make him bulletproof. You make him anti-fragile, to quote Taleb. You make him into somebody that when people are on top of, like, yeah, just keep doubting me, dude. Keep doubting me and watch what happens. I will write a program on this computer code that will

that my futuristic house will eat your future. I don't know what that's going to look like in a hundred years, but you know what I mean? You create a young man who is able to face all challenges. Not who has every challenge cleared ahead of him. And

you're just on a different path, brother. And it's going to be magical, but it starts with you looking in the mirror and saying, I'm sorry, and I'm going to be the greatest dad that has ever existed. And I also want to back up for 30 seconds. Dude, we've been cast into this story that family is supposed to look a certain way. And some of that picture comes from what we were born into, right?

Two and a half kids and half of a dog and two cars, two SUVs and a house, right? Like if we don't have that, and it could be that our parents got divorced or we have three sisters and one brother, whatever it looks like. There's a part of our brain that tries to solve for that picture. And then the second complicating layer is a story you were told. You were told a really beautiful story about what father and son relationship looks like. It's ball games, chainsaws, fixing crap, talking crap. You know what I mean?

That's what father-son is. So you've got these two pictures in your head, and then you've got this beautiful little boy with some different kind of challenges. He's going to have some different kind of awesomeness too, but he's got some challenges. And your brain is trying to solve for those two pictures. And I want you to own those two pictures.

I don't want you to grieve the fact that they're not yours. And then, dude, your brain will go, oh, cool. It's like Ryan's back in control. I'm going to stop reacting. And then you get to solve for, you get to create what the future looks like. Is that ringing a bell with you? Does that feel right? No, that is perfect.

You know, solve for future. Yeah, dude, solve for freedom, solve for future. Yeah, dude. Solve for freedom. Solve for future. Dude, solve for more laughter than you think your body can handle. Yeah, I like that plan. Solve for a future where your son, dude, is able to make jokes faster than anybody else at the table. He's also able to say, hey, that parking spot is for me. And just so you know, my buddy's a paraplegic. And we hassle him, dude, to the point it is brutal. And he hassles us back, and it is gnarly, right?

And I'll never forget the meeting. And I don't know if I've talked about this show. I never forget when he was in the hospital and we thought he was going to die. And then they said, well, he might make it, but if he makes it, he's going to have some massive cognitive and mobility challenges. And me and his little brother and one of our other close friends, Chris, we sat in a, in like a Denny's or something in the middle of the night while he, we've been sleeping on the floor in the ICU for several nights. And we said, Hey, how are we going to treat him?

Like, are we going to change everything up? And all of us are like, no. If he makes it out of this thing, we're going to make fun of him like we always did. And he's going to make fun of us. And I want you to know, I'm telling you that because of this. He's going to have friends in his life that will love him and razz him and protect him because that's what friends do.

And it's just going to look different, right? And different isn't broken. Different isn't wrong. Different's just different. Alright, so I threw a lot at you. Come back to me. Yeah. No, that's a whole bunch. I'm going to have to listen to this

on the podcast a couple times. I'm going to be unpackaging that for a while. But no, I got a little bit of soul forgiveness to do Yes Was I right there? Yeah and I wouldn't say never I was never mean and I was never cruel

But I was I was a little you know I was a bit of a turd I wasn't mean or cruel either Maybe once or twice I was just an idiot But I didn't mean or cruel either. Maybe once or twice. I was just an idiot. But I didn't know. That doesn't make it.

That's exactly it. I got a blind spot. That's it. After you said that, I was like, you know what? We're going to have to spend some time working through that because I'm going to have to grieve that part of me. And then I'm going to have to forgive that part of me. So that I can be a better future for this little munchkin. I believe that many of us, and then I'm going to have to forgive that part of me so that I can be a better future for this little munchkin.

I believe that many of us, millions and millions of us know the world's screwed up. And we also know I could fill in the blank with any group you want to. People with special needs, people, fill in the blank. We know that we could treat different groups of people better or more right, or we could say, I'm sorry. But when we do that, we have to look in our rear view mirror at the wake of people we've either hurt intentionally or unknowing. I didn't know that joke hurt like that. I was trying to be funny. You know what I mean? I was a 14 year old kid. I didn't know. I was 25. I didn't know. We have 25. I didn't know.

We have to look in our rearview mirror at the wake of people we've run over and say, I'm so sorry. I'll start doing better today. And I'm like you. I wasn't like just finding students with special needs and being ugly. I just didn't notice. Yeah. And I just went through my life as though everyone should be 6'2", 195 and be able to run this fat. I just, that's called privilege, right? It's called, I didn't know. And now I do. And now I make sure nobody in my presence doesn't know that I love them. And that I think they're doing a great job or I like Zach back there.

I make fun of Zach a lot, but Zach's incredible. But here I'm saying, yeah, now I'm not ever going to, but now I learned and I'm going to do better and I'm going to forgive myself for what was, and I'm going to go be about what is. And your son, hear me say, won the lottery with you as his dad. He won't. We're not sure about that yet. No, no, no, no, no, no.

We got to land that. Listen, the fact that you're even engaging in this conversation puts you in the rare, rare air. Top 1% of 1%. And then it's going to be about action after this. Yeah, the action is the... We're going to be about action after this. Yeah, the action is the, we're going to be unpackaging that for about a lifetime. That's kind of, I think, the plan there.

You're going to recognize, whoa, this is, I'm projecting fear into the future here, and we're here right now. Yep. Yep, I might have a heart attack, and he might have to figure out how to get an electronic wheelchair, and that's a problem for future us.

What I can do right now is put money into that trust. I can teach him how to speak for himself, and I can whip his butt at Minecraft. I don't even know if you whip somebody's butt at Minecraft. I don't know how to play that. I know Mike Tyson's punch out in Super Mario Brothers. But you hear what I'm saying? I do.

Acknowledge it, call it out. The stories you were born into, the stories you were told, they're good stories and they're fine, but they're not reality. And now it's about living into that reality. God, Ryan, I can't tell you. I'm not just saying bull and smoke at you.

The fact that you're asking these questions and articulating it in this way, last little tip, stay out of resentment. When you feel yourself entering into resentment, write a journal. In fact, you want to be a super dad? Start a journal and give it to him someday. That's the goal.

He's three right now. Start a journal with, here's how much I love you. Here's how much I'm scared about your future. I'm going to miss playing ball with you but I'm gonna learn how to play the cello or I'm gonna learn how to play video games or I'm gonna learn how to do whatever you think is awesome I'm gonna figure out a way for us to play catch the football even though you're not right I want you to keep a journal that stuff one day you're gonna give it to him and And he's going to have a 10-year, 20-year, 30-year, 40-year arc of just how much his dad loved him. I can think of literally no better gift.

Man. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there

multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself, and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and you can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your

schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Before we take the last call, man, I'm still buzzing from that last call. I love the call of Ryan and his heart. One thing that we talk about in this book, in my new book, Own Your Past, Change Your Future, is this changing picture of family. Our obsession with what families are, quote unquote, supposed to look like, the quote unquote, right way to do it. And so much of that is 40 years old, 50 years old, 100 years old.

And this idea that we have to have a white picket fence and a house that looks like this and two and a half kids and a dog and what somehow that just became part of our cultural mythology. And if you have a family that looks different than that, and by the way, almost all of us do, almost all of us do. Our brains solve for that former picture because it's trying to get back to equilibrium. It's trying to get back to what's quote unquote normal, what's right. And so we have to look at that, our changing picture of family and say, this is what I've got. I've got three grandparents living with me. My dad passed away young. Mom's on her third husband. Whatever it happens to be, this is the cards I was dealt. This is my world. How can I be well,

find joy, find peace? How can I learn patience and kindness and strength and resilience and discipline in this context? The stories of our families have changed so fast and we're all living in an old picture. And even further, as Ryan described, the stories were told about our families.

This is all we are. The Delonys are people who fill in the blank. We're just yellers. We're just angry. We just don't handle money well. We just eat too much. Bull crap to all that.

The story you were told about family, the story you were told about family, story you were told about your family can change. You can write something new. You can paint a different picture. Remember that, the stories you were born into and the stories you were told in this changing picture of family.

So thank you. So that's some stuff we talk about in the book, man. And Ryan did a great job of just articulate. Gosh, man, what a gift. Awesome. All right, let's take one more call. Let's go to Emily in Atlanta, Georgia. Hey, Emily, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm well, thank you. Excellent. What's up? How can I help? Okay. So my question, how do I keep my marriage, like, fun and silly, spontaneous and whatnot when my husband— Hold on. Those are a bunch of words for sexy. Am I right? Yeah.

Okay, all right. How do you keep your marriage sexy when— When my husband is constantly making jokes or innuendos that make me feel uncomfortable because my kids are around. Gross. Why does he do that? Our kids are really young. We have three kids, two and under. Okay. And so I think it stems from because, well, before we had kids, I mean, we just lived on our own. And it was, you know, two years ago, we could say whatever we wanted whenever we wanted.

Yeah. But now I think my husband still lives in that, that our kids don't understand. Um, but I guess I have a, a fear that because we have all boys that they're going to pick up on this and think it's okay to treat women in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable. Um, or, you know, make comments about what they're wearing and not understand that that's just not what I'm allowed to do because I'm a man or something like that. Gotcha. And so I've explained this to my husband. And so it seems like it's a roller coaster. Like he'll do better for a little while.

And then he'll kind of revisit this behavior, so to speak, where I'm like, dude, I want to be comfortable in my house. And I'm not comfortable making these jokes around my kids. Even though they're not receptive to it now, I just think that one day they will be. And I'm afraid that this problem, so to speak, won't be handled by then. And then it feels like it will be too late that this will be ingrained in them. Okay. So let me ask you a few clarifying questions. Number one, thanks for articulating that. There's a lot there. Before you had kids, if he told you something that he thought you were sexy or you wore something and he's like, man, I got five minutes if you got five. He was in it. Did you like that? I mean, was that something that was attractive to you? You liked being your husband thinking you were sexy and wanting to be with you? Or did that make you uncomfortable then?

At that point in me, I was fine with that. I was okay with it because it was rare. Not fine and okay? Like, did that? Yeah, I was comfortable with it. Like, I accepted it. I liked it. Yeah, it was well-received.

Okay, so well-received. Okay, so well-received—and what I'm getting at is, was it something that you just tolerated? That's his weird thing that he likes to—was that a weird—yeah, you tolerated a strange sexual perversion he has. And it's not, but I'm just—just go with my language there. Right. Or did you, like, no, it was awesome. I like being recognized by that. No, yeah no it was awesome i like being recognized no yeah it was awesome it was rare then because before we had kids my husband he's a reserved person as it is so

it's it was rare then it seems like it's amped up since we've had kids and maybe it's because um like we're not able to have sex there you days. There you go. That's exactly where I was headed. So he had a thing that worked when he used it. And the work in his head, and again, he's not here to defend himself, so I'm just getting inside of his head, which is the thing I tell people never to do. But this is a radio show, so here we go. is he knows he had one thing or maybe two things or whatever, who knows, that would make your eyes squint a little bit. Mm-hmm. Right? And now you have two little ones, right?

How old? No, we have three little ones. Three little ones. We have one that's almost a year, and then we have two twin boys that are almost three years. Oh, my gosh. Y'all are probably getting close to the biannual sex plan right now with three little kids, right? Oh, yes. So you've got three tiny ones, and you've got a husband who misses you.

Yeah. And we can say it's about sex. He misses you, right? Mm-hmm. And, of course, there's sexuality and all that, but he misses intimacy with his wife. And so, yeah, now he's doubling down on the only thing he knows. Here's the conversation that has to happen. And you did, man.

I'm proud of you. First question I always ask in these situations is, have you actually told him? And you have, which is great. I think what the conversation you'll have to have is a deeper one. Because it's not just about the comments because the comments are, he's only got

one path to connection with you, to to connection with you, to intimate connection with you, right? To sex. The path below that is, oh my gosh, we have three little kids. What's happening, A, to our marriage? B, like, how do we re-engage intimacy into this?

And it's not through you telling me, making sexualized jokes about my body in front of my three little kids. That's the least sexy. The last way to get me in bed is this. Yes. What you are going to have to think through is what does, what is an environment that he can help create that would allow you to feel sexy again? Okay. So you tell me, what are a couple of things? Let me back up. Emily Nagoski says the off's off and the on's on. And I love that. What are the

things that turn this environment into a hotter environment for lack of better terms? And what are the things that make it cold? And I, and I've talked about on the show, having dishes in the sink for some reason makes my wife, I'm out. I've got to get that done before. And you know what I mean? And then there's other things that I'm like, I'm out and vice versa.

Right. So I know now I just, I'm going to make sure the dishes are out of the sink. Just, I'm just going to make sure that's a part of my life, right? What are some things that would be ons for you? Environmentally speaking. Kids asleep. Yeah. Yeah. Cleaned up after dinner, after the day, have all the toys away, and probably a clean bedroom so that there's nothing to think about other than what's going on. Not like the laundry sitting in the corner or something, you know, like that.

Those are probably the top three. Just clean house all together, clean space for sexual activity, and then the kids asleep. What does he do for a living? My husband's in the Air Force. Air Force, okay. Is he a pilot. What does he do for a living? My husband's in the Air Force. Air Force, okay. Is he a pilot? What does he do? No, he's security forces.

Okay, so let's pretend he's a pilot. This may be a good analogy. You have to make sure that plane has been checked over, is all the electronics are working, all the systems are working, all the radars and all the stuff's working. And the cockpit has to be clean because those things are,

there's a tight space there, right? They have to be clean, they have to be spotless. And then somebody is going to get in that thing and fly that plane. Right. And so he's got to know that there's an environment here. And if you sit down and say, hey, I need you to know,

like nothing makes me more out of the mood than looking over and seeing my three little boys watch you talk to me about my body. Okay. But here's what super would get me in the mood. if you would take bedtimes three nights a week, if when you walk in the door, I know you're tired, but if you just did a scan of this living room and made sure the toys were up, if I'm taking a shower after the kids are in bed, if you would just run through this bedroom

and make sure it's picked up, I'm going to rock your ever-loving world. Right? And here's the thing for you is when we get out of step with intimacy, I wish there was another way to say this because it sounds so perfunctory, but we have to practice our way back into intimacy and practice our way back into desire. And that means you have to know, I may not be interested right now, but if we get going, I'm going to love this, right? Okay. And so it's you practicing, it's him practicing, it's you being very clear. Here's the offs for me

and here are the ons and the ons are simple. You don't even have to say anything about my body anymore. I know I'm smoking hot. You married me. Let's move past that. simple you don't even have to say anything about my body anymore I know I'm smoking hot you married me let's move past that the kids don't need to know that and here's what would really help out it would free my soul to be all about you and not all about this and this and this

and this and this and this and dude you'll be giving him the greatest gift any spouse can give their other partner. And that's clarity and a path to me. Okay. I do have one question with that. My husband is really great about helping out, taking, I'm definitely in this season of life,

I'm definitely like an acts of service, love language receiver. Awesome. And so he's really awesome about doing that already. And I know you had mentioned that I'm going to have to practice getting back into intimacy and whatnot, but what about the times that he does all those things and that it's still just a no for me because I feel like all those things can be done, but it still could have been a really tough day with the kids because I'm at home with them all day long.

And I'm just like, no. And that's like five days in a row because they are long, tough days. Yeah. Is there a, so one, totally honor that, totally get that. Is there a way that you find rest and release through that with him or no? Not really. And it's important for you to be honest about that. Right.

Because some of that may be hormonal. Not really, and I've told him. Yeah, and some of that may be hormonal. Some of that may be just season right now. Some of that may be, there's a hundred different reasons why that might be, right? Yeah, and some of that may be hormonal, some of that may be just season right now. Some of that may be... There's a hundred different reasons why that might be. Right? Yeah. When you get going,

are you glad that you got going or no? Is it still a chore all the way through? Depends on the... Depends on the time. I would say like 50-50. Like, half the time I'm like, let's get this over with, and another half of the time I'm like let's get this over with and another half the time I'm like alright I'm here

this is great what are the differences in those two um the differences is I would say I and not to slight my husband he's a wonderful guy but sometimes I just feel like he comes to me like a teenage boy and whatnot.

And I'm like, okay, yeah, let's just get this over with so that you can leave me alone for three nights. And then we can revisit this when things start peaking again for you. And I'll just deal with it then. And part of that is like, I'm the emotional regulator for three little ones and myself all day long. And so I'm like, you come to me like this. And even though you've done all the things, like cleaning of the house or just whatever, all those things are done, or we've taken care of them together and whatnot. It's like, I feel like I'm back to emotionally regulating for somebody else. And I don't want to do that. At the end of my day, I want to like sit down and just

do or take care of the things that need to be taken care of and whatnot. Um, there's a lot of me that's like, you deal with you and I'll deal with me and then we can just come together. And I know that's awful, but it just feels like some nights that's what it is. And I can't, so I'm just like, Emily, I want to give you a brief pass for a second. You have two three-year-olds and a one-year-old. Yeah. This isn't forever. Yeah.

This is a season. Okay. And there is this level. I know you've talked to him. Have you ever said that, what you just said? him have you ever said that what you just said yeah I've said that before have you given him another way another path to you

that's not a middle school boy or a high school boy like have you articulated what that means I've articulated that I feel like well I've said it in different ways but it all kind of leads back to that I want you to think about it and think about the clarity there because when you say hey I feel like you're just coming at me like a middle school boy

my guess is again he's not here to defend himself my guess is he's thinking this is how we've always interacted I've always told you that I think of nothing but you and I want you and you are all into that. And now it's shifted.

And suddenly he's feeling chastised for the way y'all used to communicate. And so it's not that the way you feel is wrong. The way you feel is right. It's the way you feel. And I'll say the way that he used to come at you was what you loved. It's about developing a new way. And so by just by saying, hey, this is no good anymore, which is not only fine, it's beautiful. All of us shift and change throughout our marriage.

It's great. But it's what's the next path. And I love to hear you say, no, sometimes it's all in. Sometimes there's things about the way he comes at me or the way we end up together that are incredible. And other times they're not. Other times I feel like he's just being a middle school boy and I'm just some girl on the playground. And it's being able to say, this is what made this completely on. And this is what made this completely on and this is what made this off. Okay. And he's going to have to practice new ways of coming at his wife. Yeah.

And you are going to have to give yourself some grace, sister, because you got two three-year-olds and a one-year-old. Yeah. Everything is bananas. Right. two, three-year-olds and a one-year-old. Yeah. Everything is bananas. And expect your desire to be low because your body is taking care of three other humans. And in some ways, it sounds like a fourth human too. Yeah. Emotionally.

Give yourself some space and some peace there. And remember, he's practicing in a new way of coming at his wife and he needs your help for clarification. What are ways that best bring him to you? And you're going to get back into practicing desire, and desire is going to look different now. Like you say, when we were young and married and he would come home, smoking hot Air Force guy, it was on like D-Kong, and now it's different because we've got three little ones. Right. Okay.

Is that fair? Yeah, and that all sounds exactly right that he is just doing what he's always practiced and i've not given him a clear another clear path so and he might come and say occasionally i want to pretend like we're in college again yeah and that will be his weird little college fantasy and then you can decide whether you're in on that one or not, right? Everyone in the world's got like, what if we, you know, whatever. And so every couple's got those kind of things to navigate and work through.

But this is the moment when couples go, oh, this is going to be the rest of our lives. We're falling apart. Things are broken. This is going to be it forever. And it's not. It's just a small season. Just a small season. I love that you have these conversations. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. The future for your marriage is bright. Just be honest with them and always look to create new paths towards each other because the old paths don't always work anymore.

Hey, we'll be right back with Dr. John Deloney's show. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life.

Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, don't forget, go to johndeloney.com, pick up my new book. And dude, I know I sound all like salesman-y. One of the things about this show is like I never went to one of those salesman-y shows. I can't stand like Slickster, like, I can't stand that. But I really in my bones believe this book is going to help people live better lives. I really do. Go to johndeloney.com, own your past, change your future.

You've got to deal with what happened to you and you got to be about what's next. Go to johndeloney.com and check it out. All right, as we wrap up today's show, song of the day, one of my favorite bands of all time. And I know I shared this with my main man, Zach, the killers, dude.

These guys are smoking. The song's called When We Were Young and it goes like this. You sit there in your heartache, I love this song, waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways to play forgiveness. Watch it now. Here he comes.

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus, but he talks like a gentleman, like you imagined when you were young. Can we climb this mountain? I don't know. Higher now than ever before. I know we can make it if we take it slow. Let's take it easy. Easy now. Watch it go. We're burning down the highway skyline on the back of a

hurricane that started turning when you were young. I love those guys, man. When you were young. Right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.