The Dr. John Delony Show - I'm Secretly Dating a Married Woman & Feel Guilty

Episode Date: July 12, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   I'm secretly dating a married woman & feel guilty My mom is dangerously paranoid about internet conspiracy theories & refuses to get help My child & neighborhood kids exposed themselves to each other Email: Insane wedding expectations Lyrics of the Day: "Dancing In The Dark" - Bruce Springsteen   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: infidelity, marriage, family, boundaries, sickness/illness, kids, parenting, sexuality/intimacy   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.`

On today's show, we have a heavy one, so watch out for the little ears in the room. We talk about dating somebody who's already married to somebody else. We talk about parents' mental health issues. We talk to a mom about good touch and appropriate touch with her young kids. Stay tuned. Hey, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. If you can tell, you can't tell

my voice has gone down nine octaves because I just got back from a family vacation. I don't know if it was a vacation. It was a celebration. It was a trip. That's right, it was a vacation. It was a celebration. It was a trip. That's right. It was a trip into the woods of Arkansas, Arkansas. They have different trees and leaves and bugs and things there. And my body said, we don't appreciate you taking us there. We thought we were cool. We are not. But so we're going to do the show today, four octaves below. We have some cool friends out in the audience today.

We're millions of people, and by millions we've got four. We've got waving and everything. It's good to see everybody. And most importantly, before we get the show started, James, what happened? Well, it happened a while ago, but you're just now finding out about it. I only ask people how they're doing once per month. That's my caring quota. My beloved 4Runner got totaled, and it is no more. So I'm without a vehicle. How'd it get totaled? A guy rear-ended me, but it really wasn't that bad,

except that he had a wench on the front of his 4Runner. Oh, so like... And mine is so old that it bit the frame just enough to where it was a total loss so it was drivable but the back door wouldn't shut enough to keep exhaust from coming through like through the crack in the back hatch that was one of those guys that has to close all the doors what a snooty doesn't like breathing chemicals yeah oh here we go um so on the insurance company like give you a high five and yeah chick-fil-A gift certificate? It's pretty decent for a 17-year-old car, but I just got to figure out where to go from here. I would just imagine they'd come over to your house.

Why were you still have full coverage on a 17-year-old car? Awesome. I'm proud of you. Yours is only two years older or newer than mine. Hey, when mine gets wrecked, the insurance guy will come to my house and he'll open his arms and just give me a hug. And that'll be that. Give you a lollipop like at the bank he'll high five me and say appreciate you thank your donations to the to the insurance come i'm glad you're okay james

does your neck hurt no phew well we solved that one we've got allergies and car wrecks on today's show and um other than that we're glad you're Hey, if you want to be on the show, we're talking about mental health, we're talking about relationships, we're talking about everything, right? If you want to be on the show, go to johndeloney.com slash ask. It'll take you right to the form, or you can give me a call at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291.

Into my lowest voice. One. Does that sound good? No? James just gave me the sign that said we're going to have to edit back over that. It wasn't very good. I think it sounds cool, but whatever.

All right, let's go to the phones. Let's go to Joshua in Portland, Oregon. What's up, brother Josh? How we doing, man? I'm doing pretty good. How are you, Dr. John? I'm all right. What's going on in Oregon?

So I'm calling you today because i am the other man and i'm struggling on what to do and how to progress forward here um what is the other backstory here but i don't know how much time i have to really tell you everything going on up to this point. So cut right to the cut right to the chase. So you made bad decisions and you're the quote unquote other guy. I'm pretty sure I know what that means. Yeah. She's been married. She was married

for about a year. We, you know, first are all his friends, turned into a relationship. Now it's about, you know, nine months, four months ago, after nine months of being in a relationship, she found out she's pregnant. With your kids? Now she's pregnant. I doubt it's mine.

It's like very low chance it's mine. Timing doesn't make any sense. But at the same time, there's a possibility. And the guy, the husband, still doesn't know about me still doesn't know about anything that's going on um so why why are you calling me man because i feel like my moral compass is all it has been wrong for so long that i'm trying to debate about how i step out of this and do i tell him? Do I confront him? I just feel like my moral compass, I mean,

in making wrong choice after wrong choice, how do I make it right? I'll ask you, man. How do you make it right? I mean, it's like I have feelings for her. I love her. And I'm struggling on how to progress and either phase out of this because I love her, because I know it'd be best for a family to be together Hey, how does this end, man? How does this end?

Her husband and you and her go to dinner one night and he's like, you know what? We're married but y'all are more perfect than us and so my brother Joshua, I am handing this one off to you I wish y' all the best.

Is that how that ends? That's probably not how it's going to end. Yeah, zero percent chance, dude, that it won't happen that way. It only ends in ashes, in a disaster. And let's say she calls her husband and breaks it off and you all get together. For the rest of your relationship, every time she takes a call, you're going to be wondering if there's another another guy.

Every time she gets an email and closes her laptop as you walk in the room, you're going to wonder, I wonder if there's another another guy. There's no way this ends right. And by the way, you don't love her. She is a safe person to get into a relationship with because she's anchored in and

you can just trapeze off the side of this thing with all all the fun and excitement and joy and you have no responsibility at all none well i mean i'm trying to do the responsible thing which is i mean even if it is my kid, I mean, I want to raise her. I want to be with her. And I mean, it's just hard to make the decision of stepping out. Joshua, the responsible thing is to walk away. If this happens to be your kid, which you told me earlier it wasn't, if this happens to be your kid, yes this whole thing got real real real messy mhm

right and you may have a single woman to start dating because if her husband's a person a character he's probably going to high five her and be gone yeah because she's having a baby by somebody else and god no

don't go are you friends with her husband no not friends I've met him a few times yeah there's no reason to call him I just feel like I've done so much damage walk away

walk away you're like a surgeon who is taking somebody's organ out, and they realize they cut the wrong organ. And they realize, oh gosh, I've caused a lot of damage. I think the best thing to do here is to keep cutting out other organs. And just keep cutting, and keep cutting, and keep cutting. At some point, the smart thing for that doctor to do is to stop.

Put the scalpel down. Yeah. And you know this. You know this. Why did I take a phone call to a stranger? You know this, man. Because it's hard to hear. It's hard to walk.

You know, I've struggled with finding somebody, you know, that matches me. It's just I'm tired of being alone. You're still completely alone, man. That's the farce of this. You're totally and completely alone. You are somebody else's chew toy

on the weekend. You are somebody else's excitement. You're a video game for somebody else. But they have their stable, locked-in excitement. You're a video game for somebody else. But they have their stable, locked in thing. You're completely alone, Joshua. And that's what breaks my heart for her. It breaks my heart for

you. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? You're not on a team right now. No. No, you're right. You're right. And you're worth more than that. She's worth more than that. Her husband's worth more than right. You're right. And you're worth more than that. She's worth more than that. Her husband's worth more than that.

This baby coming into the world is worth more than that. So true. You know what I mean? Am I crazy? No, no, you're not crazy. You're not crazy. I mean...

Bro, you're alone. You're totally alone right now. It's hard to accept. It's hard to accept being alone. Trust me. I know it sucks. It's awful. It's hard. But I'm hard to trust me i know it sucks it's awful it's hard but i'm not gonna lie to you do you have friends that know this is going on do you have like some guy buddies that you sat down and talked to about this

well i have got buddies but the problem is i haven't told them about it because i'm ashamed yeah my shame has kept me you know kept them in the dark and kept me from saying the truth. Will they hold you accountable? They would. Yeah. So, here's the thing, man. You can do what you want. I'm going to tell you right now, I've been around the block long enough to know, this thing ends disaster.

Whatever fantasy you've come up with in your head is not real. Okay? So if I'm you, I would probably call my buddies over tonight and say, we've got to have a talk just so I'd have somebody with me when I go ahead and make that other phone call, because you're not going to see her again. You make that phone call, says, I'm out. I'm done. If this baby, when it's born, is mine, then I will step back in.

But until then, I'm going to do the thing of the right thing. I haven't been a virtuous person. I've been a person without character. I've been sleeping with a married woman. I've been violating somebody else's marriage. I'm out. Walk away. That's it, man. Or dude,

rock on. No, no, you're right. You're right. I just need to hear from somebody that I respected of a man of character. So it's just, it's hard for me to confess it to somebody I know. I got that. I got that. Hey, that's the first step here, and that's what I'm going to tell you. You need to do it with your guy buddies

so they'll be there with you. And if your guy buddies are like my guy buddies, it's probably going to get physical. Yeah. They're going to wrangle me. They should. That's what you're, that's what men of character do for one another. That's that's what men of character do for one another. That's what men and women of character do for one another, man. Yes. You called and you asked, um,

the right thing is this is over before the day's over. And you got some guys in your life that are walking alongside you and not the, I get that you're tired of being alone. There's a right way and a wrong way to do that. That's like saying I'm tired of being broke. I can go rob a store or I can start taking community college classes and get three jobs.

One of those are going to result in money at the end of the day. One of those is noble. One of them is not. Right? And Josh, you know this, man. I appreciate you trusting me with that call. Let me know.

Do me a favor, man. I want you to write me back and let me know how the conversation goes or write me back and say, man, forget it, dude. I just decided I'm gonna stick it out and see what happens. Let me know that too. And I'll let the listeners know because they're going to be interested in how this one plays itself out. But thank you so much for that call. All right, let's go to Blake in Amarillo, Tejas. Como estas, Blake? How are we doing? Hey, Dr. John. How's it going? I Amarillo, Texas. Como estas, Blake? How are we doing? Hey, Dr. John.

How's it going? I'm all right, brother. How are you? You know what? You wouldn't be calling me, so what's happening, man? Well, the gist of it is my mom was with me, my fiance and my baby. Um, and she's, she's walked in this fantasy of people are after her, that she has been sex trafficked, that she's actually in the process of being sex trafficked right now.

She's been in this loop for seven years now or so. She says it goes all the way back to 1993. It's like the date keeps changing and going further and further back. Have you ever taken her to the doctor? I've walked her into the pavilion here um, here in town and she walked right out and she's smart. She went to school for psychology. Um, she, her, pretty much her, as far as I can remember, she has read books on mental illnesses. Um, what to tell counselors and psychologists. She'll tell her story and it will sound a little nutty, but she'll keep out a lot of details. She'll keep out details

as far as the way she gets her information is from her facebook feed okay she uh scrolls through it and the random stuff that goes up there are signs to her it's her being uh reading in between the lines okay so um dr phil yeah dr phil will tell you all kind of things right just kidding i like dr well doc i've never really you're uh you're the only only psychologist that I've ever actually truly listened to over podcasts and stuff and I'm not even a psychologist that's even better man

you're making me feel good about myself Blake hey so how long has this gone on with her has this been something you've dealt with since you were a kid or is this relatively new no I don't think so how old is she she's 54 and she's been since you were a kid or is this relatively new? I don't think so. Um, how old is she? I don't, she's 54.

Okay. And she's been doing this. She's lived with me for about two years and it's been pretty much quiet up until a couple of days ago. She left my sister's house, calling it a sex trafficking house, uh, putting notes on people's cars.

Um, and, uh, Dr. Phil and his people told her that it's a sex trafficking house. putting notes on people's cars and Dr. Phil and his people told her that it's a sex trafficking house and all these people that are after her and Oprah Winfrey is in it somehow too

even as we sit here and talk she is sitting on my patio talking to herself on Facebook and answering herself on commenting on a post that she made. There's like 50 comments on there of just her talking to herself and talking to these people and asking questions and then giving legitimate answers. Like she would ask a question and then they would come out. They don't say anything and

then she follows up on the answer that i don't know what the answer was but and only me and my brothers and sisters and my fiance and um my aunt shirley now can see it because we're her friends but so here's what i want you to do um one of a couple of things is going on here number one she is um had or is having but it sounds like has had a a psychotic break and she needs to get some help asab okay um if you stay on the line here which is is down the line, and I've got some people in your area that I trust. In fact, I was on the phone with them on another call getting some wisdom and guidance earlier today. And so I'll give you their contact info, and that's who I'm going to recommend you reach out to. And they'll guide you through the resources there in Amarillo.

Okay. You've got two things happening here. Number one, you've got your mom who you love. Do you have custody of her in any way, or is she just crashing with you guys? No, she's just with us. Okay. I don't know what's papers.

How is this impacting your fiancé and your little baby? Well, Megan, my fiancee talked about, she brought it up to me that if she ends up leaving, it's not leaving me. Yeah. It's leaving for her safety. And as soon as the situation's cleared up, she would come back. And I get that. And my son's safety. My mom's not violent.

She never has been. I've never seen her be violent. But I understand where she's coming from on that. And you've also never seen this, right? I not like this. Okay. So I think your fiance's wise, and I applaud her for having the courage to tell you that. And so I would look at that as a signal. And at some point, you're going to have to make a choice between mom and fiance, baby. I know.

And that's exactly what I told her. And I already told my mom because I had a conversation with her because she busted into my bedroom. Well, not busted in. It's a little dramatic. She knocked on the door and I told her to come in kind of thing. And she accused Megan of talking to one of these people that are sex trafficking her. And I had a conversation with her saying, Mom, you can't do that. That cannot happen. This is her home.

And I told her that when it comes to my son, when it comes to Megan, understand that they come first. And kind of telling her without telling her. Okay, now you need to tell her with telling her. This is the time to be very, very clear. My boss Dave says all the time, clear is kind. And so I would write down on a piece of paper, probably type it up. And if your brothers and sisters are there too, that y'all all call a family meeting ASAP and type up the following. You are not being sex trafficked in a sex ring that is coming from my sister's house, period. Okay.

And make sure that all the facts are written there. Say, if you were to continue to stay in this house, you will go get the psychiatric care that you need, period. And if you choose not to go get the psychiatric care that you need, then you are choosing to go live somewhere else. And that's going to be a hard conversation. That's going to be a conversation full of tears, probably yelling and whatever. But you've got to draw a boundary on behalf of your family, of your fiance, and especially your child. In a perfect world, she goes and gets the help she needs.

I'm not going to make diagnosis over the radio, but my hunch, these are very, very difficult situations. I told her situations. Okay. I told her this last Tuesday, I had to call out crisis prevention because she told me that she would have to kill herself for me to understand. And from listening to you on Spotify,

I dropped the conversation and called the people that could handle it. Good for you. Because I can't. But they came in and she willingly went back to the pavilion. And they couldn't hold her because she didn't give a plan or an action statement to it. And listen, as an adult, if she does not make a threat on her life in the state of Texas, they probably won't be able to hold her. Right? Feeling you're trapped in a simulation or in some sort of matrix doesn't make you dangerous, and that doesn't mean they're going to take you.

This is going to be something that she's going to have to decide to do on behalf of her family. And that makes these incredibly difficult. So what I want you to know is doing the right thing here is not going to be the easy thing. It's not going to be the gentle thing. It's going to be loud and heartbreaking and all those things. And that doesn't mean it's the wrong thing. I'm also not recommending you throw your mom out on the street. If y'all are all pitching in on this, I think you get your brothers and sisters together. You'll talk about money. You'll talk about finances, all that kind of stuff that y'all are going to need to do here to rally around mom. But your fiance is right. Because this feels like it's escalating. It feels like it's moving

in a direction. And whenever I'm working through these situations, I'm always looking for the directionality. Is this been way mom has been since she was little? This is just who she is. Or is this thing moving at a, at an increasingly faster speed towards a negative outcome? And I don't like the trajectory of what you're, the way you're telling me that this has come on and there's gotten more. And now she's getting a little more bold and that she told sister,

and now she's threatening to hurt herself. I just don't like the trajectory of this thing. You got to get the professionals in and the professionals aren't going to take her if she's not going to make a direct, um, uh, she's not directly a harm to self or others. So get with your brothers and sisters, make a plan, have the hard, hard conversation. Before you do all that, get away with your fiance and your little baby and look your fiance in the eye and say, I'm 100% on your side. And I'm 100% on your team. I'm going to do what's right here in this situation. It's going to be hard and challenging.

And I'm going to need your support because I'm going to have to kick my mom out of my own house. It's going to be really hard for everybody. I may have to, we may have to budget for mom's care because we're going to all pitch in. But it's going to be hard. I'm going to need your help. But I never want you to ever question who comes first in this house. It's the little baby, and it's you. So, I mean, it's hard, hard, hard, Brother Blake.

I'm sorry. Thank you so much for the call. Let me know how that conversation goes. Let me know how it ends up and we will circle back. And I want to let everybody know we can get an update on your mom. All right. Thank you so much. Everybody hang tight. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Delaney show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right. October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet,

get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to.

We do this at work. We do this in social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist.

Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy and you can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient

for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Diloni to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Diloni. All right, let's take one more call. Let's go out to Brooke in Salt Lake City, Utah. What's up, Brooke?

Hi, doing good. How are you? I'm doing good. Doing all right? Yeah, a little nervous. I was going to say, are you nervous? Listen, I'm not that good at this. There's nothing to be nervous about.

I promise you're a better human than I am at radio. So, hey, what's up? How can I help? So we have a five-year-old daughter and a three-year-old son and some neighbors, two boys that are seven and four. And they were all over at the neighbor's house playing in the backyard. Um, when, uh, they wasn't, they weren't being supervised, I guess, and they exposed themselves to each other. Ah, okay. Was it just like, I'll show you if you show me yours? Um, yeah, so I think, I think that's kind of how it started. Um, I think the seven year old, I guess, cause I wasn't there. I was home with our baby. We have a one year old too.

Okay. Wow. You've got a, hold on. You've got a lot going on. It's Utah here. I love a good Utah joke. Way to go, Brooke. That's the first Utah joke on the show, so well played. So you got three, five and under? Yeah. Wow. Okay.

So your five-year-old is just playing with some neighborhood kids, and they end up in somebody's backyard, and there's a seven-year-old, a four-year-old, a five-year-old back there, two boys. And my three-year-old, a four-year-old, a five-year-old back there, two boys. And my three-year-old. Okay. And so to the best you understand, how did that play out? So, yes.

So what we gathered was like the seven-year-old wanted everyone to just pull their pants down. And according to him, because we talked to our kids afterwards separately and his dad said that, uh, according to him, they all just pulled their pants down. Um, and then, but according to my daughter, my five-year-old, she said that the boys did it, you know, my three-year-old and the two other boys. Um, but she said no. And, uh, then when she was climbing up the slide ladder, uh, the seven-year-old and the two other boys. Um, but she said no. And, uh, then when she was climbing up the slide ladder, uh, the seven-year-old pulled her pants down and, um, but then I'm not sure

how, like the timeline really works. But then when I got there, cause I was just taking care of the baby for a little bit and I was walking down there to just kind of join them. And when I got there, the four-year-old neighbor boy and my daughter were hiding in their blanket. And I thought that they were just kind of teasing me. So I went over there and moved the blanket. And they were both there with their pants down, just sitting by each other. Okay. Were they by each other. Okay. Were they touching each other?

I don't think so. I mean, it kind of just all happened really fast. I think they were, like, I think they were touching themselves. Okay. Was the seven-year-old around? The seven-year-old, he was in the sandbox with my three-year-old. Okay. And he told his dad he was trying to tell them to stop.

Okay. But I think he knew he was going to get in trouble for it, and he knew what was happening. Gotcha. I don't know if he was involved in that part at all. Okay. And, yeah, and as soon as my daughter saw me, she just, I mean, she's normally pretty reserved. She doesn't really like, like it wouldn't, like in a, when like she gets hurt or something, she, her reaction is to be on her own.

So we kind of just give her her space, you know, like, you know, in like an emotional situation. But like, she just, the second she saw me, she just came into my arms and was crying, you know, holding me and wanted to go home. So what was, you obviously talked to these kids' dad, right? Yeah. How did that conversation go? I mean, we talked a little bit. I think we could have talked more.

Yeah. Because I just got my kids home, and my husband and I were talking to my daughter. She wanted to be with Dad, so he kind of talked to her and got her to kind of open up. She was really worried about telling talking to us and so he you know kind of gave her the confidence to tell us you know whatever that she was okay good for him and yeah he's a pretty good dad yeah um but and then yeah and then i you know conversed with the neighbor um over the phone just kind of figuring out what his kids were telling him um but there really hasn't been like too much involvement from their side how long ago did that happen this happened

um it's it's been a little while it's sorry i guess i feel a little bit guilty about it's been about a month okay i mean it don't go to straight to guilt. Okay. You've got a lot going on. Um, so here's the, the big picture thing is this four year olds and five year olds are curious. Right. So I'm not going to lose my mind. I'm not going to get angry.

I'm not going to blow a gasket or anything like that. Right. Um, it sounds like y'all did a really great job of talking to her and when both your kids when you got them home your son and your daughter and talked to talking to them just to kind of get cut to the chase here i there's a great book called some parts are not for sharing and there's important conversations to have with four, five, six, seven-year-olds about really four, five, and six, three, four, and five about,

you know, who's allowed to see you, which is mom and dad and the doctor, and that's it, always and forever, end of sentence, right? Unless, you know, there's a grandparent that's doing some caretaking, and then there's a conversation that happens. And then once a kid gets to be four or five, we're asking, can I come, do you need help with, you know, wiping? Do you need help in the shower? Not just bursting in and saying, hey, I get to, right, I want to begin to teach my kid that they have autonomy over their bodies at a really, really young age. But stepping back, the fact that this happened, I don't like that seven-year-old kid there. There's something about that whole thing.

If you were to call me and say, hey, my neighborhood boy is a four-year-old and my daughter's four or five, and they were just standing there showing each other. That wouldn't that would make me raise my eyebrows they're just kids having a seven-year-old there potentially egging it on and knowing a little bit more and um getting people to do things they didn't want to do that's the part that i got a real problem with um so here's what i would do if I'm you. Number one, I would ask these kids' parents to come over to your house so it's in your kingdom, for lack of better terms, right? It's on your turf. And let them know, hey, I don't feel comfortable with our kids playing with your kids. And I'm going to ask that you guys respect that boundary. Okay. Regardless

of how it happened, I'm not comfortable with it. And this is going to be a hard conversation and make your street weird, but your allegiance isn't not to the neighbors down the street. Your allegiance is to your two little kids. Okay. The balance here is that your daughter's going to feel like she lost some friends and she did something bad. Does that make sense? And so it's a real careful. And that's why I love this book. You read it with them and you're able to look, somebody else wrote this.

And I think it's with, um, I think Dr. Jennings told me it has turtles and fish or something. I mean, it's a very, it steps away from, from this situation.

Right. And so it lets a kid see it happening. Um, and because a seven-year-old was involved, because your daughter says, I think that boy pulled my pants down, I want them to understand at the age of five that if somebody puts their hands on me, if I'm assaulted, which is what that is, that mommy and daddy are going to stand up tall on my behalf. Yeah. And so what I would do is probably at least do one session with a play therapist in your local area, if not two, and just say, hey, this happened. Can you help all of us with the touch conversation? Potentially get to the bottom of, is there anything super nefarious here? And then help give us some guidance as a third party with the whole family on how we can not let our kid know how serious this is, but not shame them in the process.

And this is going to be a delicate conversation. It sounds like, and again, you and I have known each other for like three and a half minutes, right? Yeah. The fact that when she got home, she said, I want to talk to daddy. And that tells me you guys are great parents and that you guys have set up an environment where it's not a scary thing to talk to mom or dad. Is that fair? Yeah, I think one thing that was kind of a little soul crushing, I guess, was as, you know, as dad was trying to kind of just ease into the conversation, she told him, which I don't know why, but she told him that we're not going to love her. And so that's, I think, yeah, that is, I think that the advice you've given is really helpful. But I think that's like the biggest fear is I don't, I don't want to create some sort of, I feel like it can go bad two ways. Either, you know, yeah, I go play with the kids and now it's mom and dad saying, hey, doesn't matter what people do to you. Mom and dad give permission for anything to happen.

Sure. Or like, yeah, I guess, you know, like I don't want her to think that like, yeah, if we see anything bad you do, then we don't love you. Yeah. So I don't ever want to equate accountability and safety with I don't love you. In fact, I want you to teach your daughter the opposite of that. So I've said it on the show before, and my kids now, they're old enough, they roll their eyes. My kids are 11 and 5.

And I've got a 5-year-old daughter, so I'm trying to think through this in real time with you, okay? Yeah. If I ask my parents, I mean, I'm sorry, if I ask my kids, what's dad's one job? They roll their eyes and they're like, to keep us safe. And I've been telling them that since they were zero, okay? Precisely for these moments, because something's going to come up multiple times over. And I'm going to tell my daughter, hey, a boy put his hands on you and only

mom and only dad and only the doctor are allowed to touch your bathing suit parts. And he did that and that is not okay. What's my one job? And she'll go, keep me safe. And you'll say exactly. And mom and dad will not let you be around people that are going to hurt you or take advantage of you. And I want you to know that mom and dad wouldn't talk to their daddy because they should not be doing that either. And that's as complex as the conversation needs to be. But I want her to know that yes, if somebody does something, mom and dad are there when she's a child, especially. And she may interpret it like, oh man, I told mom this happened and now I can't have any fun. That's going to fall on you guys, right? So that there's not a gap that now she's not just sitting

in the backyard, you know, drawing a circle with a stick. Maybe that's cool. My kids like to do that. So I don't know. That she doesn't feel punished, that she doesn't feel that she's in trouble as much as she now knows that she is safe because mom and dad are on her side. Does that make sense? Yeah. And that's a thin, careful line to walk. And when you go to play therapy, if it's a great play therapist, it's a blast. They have a blast. It's just a room full of all

this chaos and fun. If you get a dud, it's not that great. The ones I've seen are really incredible. And kids speak in play. And so they talk that way. And so they'll, a good play therapist after a session or two will be able to tell you exactly what happened or very close to what happened and be able to walk alongside you guys um when she told you this is my last question for you when she told you i was i'm afraid y'all aren't gonna love me what was the response um that she said it to to my husband um but we did talk about it together because he came with her to me as we all talked as a little family. And he told me that, you know,

Reagan was concerned that, that she's concerned that we wouldn't love her. And he said that, you know, that's never the case. And, and so we just kind of had a little hug puddle and told her that we love her so much. And she's, you know, our, our very first baby. And we're always going to love her. And she's always our kid. And just kind of milked just how much we love her.

And so you've, you've created a platform for her. And she knows this, by the way. Tell her that every single day. Make sure your husband tells her that every single day. Make sure that's a language you'll speak. But more importantly, make sure that you show her that every single day. Right? Especially with a five-year-old, if she's into it, that's a lot of hugs.

That's a lot of eye contact. That's a lot of hugs. That's a lot of eye contact. That's a lot of touching her on the face, letting her know that she's safe, that she's of value and that you love her. And more importantly, that you will intervene. You will get involved. Okay. So grateful that you called.

This is a super common thing. And so it's this fine line between, and there's so many variables too. It's a fine line between, oh no, and I don't ever want to steal curiosity. I want my kids to be curious about everything forever. I want to teach them that. And I don't want them to find themselves in a backyard with two or three boys being coerced and doing something she doesn't want to do. I definitely don't want her climbing up on something and having some boy who's bigger and older than her take advantage of her. I don't want her in an unsafe situation where she's under a blanket with some other kid. And so it's that fine balance between I love you, that's not safe.

Here is what safe is. We're going to read this book together. We're going to go play with this cool doctor down the street. We're going to do these things and I will go to the ends of the earth because I love you so much. And you can't go play with those boys anymore, period. And you and your husband are going to demonstrate that by having a hard conversation with them too. All of this stuff adds an ethos and that home to my mom and dad got my back. Even when it's hard and messy and ugly and screwy and scary, they got my back. And I got a five-year-old too. Having kids, man.

Thank you so much for that call, Brooke. Hey, real quick. I know we're up against the end of the show. I want to, this is an awesome email. I just want to get to it real quick. It says this. My college-age daughter is a bridesmaid in her cousin's wedding, and the expenses are outrageous. The bachelorette party is out of town, so she must pay for flights, hotel, food, and pre-selected gifts for the bride. She was also given a color palette for her wardrobe selections for the weekend, meaning she has to buy some new clothes. Now she is told that if there are any overages incurred by the party, the bridesmaids must be prepared to cover them, even if they are not their charges. How can she talk to her cousin and tell her she can't afford this without causing problems? You can't. A problem has been dropped in your lap,

and what you have to do is stand up and drop it on the floor. Like who? Like it's HOT. Correct? Right? So you call your cousin and say, I've done the math. Being a part of your wedding is going to cost me $5,000 or $7,000 and I can't do it. I'm so grateful for the invite. I really appreciate it, but I'm sitting this one out. I look forward to watching the stream online or whatever, but I'm out. I'm out. If you want to do this, if you want to have some kind of fancy wedding, I'm all for it. Knock your lights out. But man, you got to help out your bridesmaids.

Asking people to spend $5,000, $7, seven, $10,000 to travel across the country to make your vision of your fantasy day come true. Just not cool, man. Not cool. So is there a way to do this without causing problems? Nope. The problem's already been caused. All you can do is take care of you and set your own boundaries. Thank you for that email. I didn't have a name on this one. We're just going to call this pretty much everyone on earth. Ta-da. We're going to call her Susan. We're going to call her Susan. No, let's call her James.

We won't call her James. You're not a bridesmaid, are you? I don't know why I went there. That wasn't cool. All right. As we wrap up today's show, this is actually from Kelly. Kelly, is this from you? Is this your email?

You were? No, I was not that way I could see that denim all denim I wore camo hey she didn't wear camo there's gonna be a few of you like I like Kelly she wore a camo at her wedding it's awesome alright as we wrap up today's show

oh man off the Born in the USA album, an incredible song by the master poet himself, Bruce Springsteen, Dancing in the Dark, and it goes like this. I get up in the evening and I got nothing to say. I come home in the morning, I go to bed feeling the same way.

I ain't nothing but tired. Man, I'm just tired and bored with myself. Hey there, baby, I can just use a little help. You can't start a fire. You can't start a fire without a spark. This gun's for hire, even if we're just dancing in the dark. What a tune, man. Everybody go listen to Dancing in the Dark and tell me if you're not dancing in the dark. This has been the Dr. John Deloney Show. Thank you.