The Dr. John Delony Show - I’m Starved for Connection With My Spouse

Episode Date: October 5, 2022

Today, we talk with: - A man desiring a better sexual relationship with his wife that’s free from shame - A woman wondering why she doesn’t love her stepchild - A new mother who’s suddenly frustrated with her husband all the time Lyrics of the Day: "Best Fake Smile" - James Bay Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. And I feel a Pavlovian response of shame when it does come to sex. But then I feel very lonely and robbed of connection because of that. And so I'm just kind of at a loss of what to do. For sure, man. Dude, have you ever said that out loud before? Yeah, quite a bit. What's up?

This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad that you're with us on the greatest mental health and marriage and parenting podcast of all time, ever, in the history of podcasts, which is about a year and a half, maybe two years. So glad that you're with us. You want to be on the show. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. Kelly, you're looking through here and you're making faces as though something doesn't smell good. Is it my face? No, I figured out I can't do anything about that. Were you in that photo session when they. Um, no, do you, were you in that, in that photo session when they're like, Oh, this picture's perfect. Oh, everything's perfect. The lighting, the clothes, everything except for his face. And I was like, that's all. Oh man. No. So

for those that don't aren't watching John's, um, in ears that he wears his, um, oh, they are different. And so this is, they're broken. So this is a temporary pair, but it makes it look like you have earrings on. Oh no. It looks like you have gauges. Yeah. It's a little distracting.

So I think, yeah, it does look ridiculous. It's cool, man. We'll get them. Look at that. It's so cool.

I kind of, it's like my eighties hair metal band. I get to do it. Yes, that's all right. It's like my 80s hair metal band. I get to do it. Yes. That's all right. I'll be there for you. With my long headphone earrings. They're looking good.

All right. Well, there we go. So at least I thought you were just looking at my face like, what happened to his face? That ship sailed. That ship sailed. This is what I got. That's what I got.

All right. Let's go to Justin in Albuquerque, the 505. What's up, Justin? Hey, John. How you doing? I'm good, my brother. What are you doing? I'm just taking a break from shooing some horses.

That a boy, dude. Shooing some horses, man. Out there in New Mexico. Good for you, brother. Yeah. So, but my question is, I guess I wrote it down. It says, I'm struggling with my sexual relationship with my wife. I obviously want to have a good one, but I have internal struggles and I feel a Pavlovian

response of shame when it does come to sex. Even practicing desire feels a little bit shameful for me. But then I feel very lonely and robbed of connection because of that. And so I'm just kind of at a loss of what to do. For sure, man. Dude, have you ever said that out loud before? Yeah, quite a bit. Well, thanks for making me one of many that you've said that out loud too. So when you say shame, well, let me back up.

You said, obviously I want this. That sounds like something that somebody told you you're supposed to want. So I would take obviously off the table. Is it something that you want? Yeah, I would like that. Okay. I don't know.

I just feel, I just feel very robbed and I was't know. I just feel very robbed of connection. And when I got married, I was 21. And that's just been not what I expected. And I've been trying to make the best of it. I just don't know what else to do. There you go. So tell me what shame means. What does that feel like?

Where does that come from? I think, well, I know for a fact that it comes from, well, my parents got divorced when I was really young and they were both emotionally absent, even though they were kind of there. They were just absent altogether. And so the place that I found connection at a really young age was pornography.

And so I was been struggling, you know, obviously with that for, um, most of my life. And so when I did get married and I expected that, that connection to be filled, um, my, you know, I, I turned into my wife's trash can of all her complaints and struggles and stuff like that. So then I felt, um, I wasn't being heard or, or I was just kind of a trash can of all her complaints and struggles and stuff like that. So then I felt, um, I wasn't being heard or I was just kind of a trash can as well. And so I, I've continued to, um, use that pornography as that, that way of feeling connection so I can get through, uh,

to the next day. Okay. Does your, does your wife know? Um, does my wife know? Yeah, we've, we've been talking and we're trying to work through it since, uh, before we got married. Uh, how long have you been married? Probably four years. Four years. Okay. Does she know you're still, um, using pornography to get through the day? Yeah. Well, not, it's not every day but it's just you know when life gets tough now i just it seems like it's yeah okay um there's several places we can go with it um i i may be way out to lunch here so sometimes somebody experiences sexual abuse um somebody get experiences pornography at a really young age,

and sex gets lumped in with, I'm dirty, right? Or kids who masturbate a lot, or just once, right? I'm dirty, I'm gross, and that gets translated to when I get married or when I get into a sexual relationship with somebody i trust and that i'm with for the long haul that will all go away and it's stuns

people when they roll over and their bodies they go right back into the i'm gross and shameful right or they try to cover themselves up or it becomes a part of them, right? Yeah. That's about sex, but it's also not. Okay? So trying to deal with just the sex part of that is not ever going to get to why doesn't Justin like himself? And also, why can't Justin let his needs be heard by his wife? And why can't she let her needs be heard by her husband? And why can't we stumble and fumble and practice meeting each other's needs

in ways that we've never had to do ever before? Does that make sense? Yeah, I think it does. That's a different conversation than I feel gross after being with my wife or I feel unfulfilled. Yeah. Right. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. Yeah. Okay. So the first thing in becoming a new person, right? Coming up with a new identity. This is who i'm gonna be Is stopping the behaviors? That like do no harm, right? I don't know what to do next but I know to stop doing this Yeah And tell me what you feel like when you are starved for connection. What does that feel like in your body?

I just uh feel very uh lonely and uh Easily irritated and I just feel very lonely and easily irritated. I just feel very, I get super depressed and I start questioning a lot of things. What's that? Like questioning? honestly, I, I question, you know, um, just because it's, it's, it's happened over and over again. I just, uh, uh, question like the purpose of life and stuff. So there's more to that. Keep going. You're being honest with me. Don't, don't, don't, don't fade out on me now. I think that I just have a lot of anxiety in my chest right now. But a lot of times when it does come to this, it goes zero to 100 in feeling suicidal. And not that I'm going to.

I just felt so lonely for so long. I just don't know. I just want that connection. And so, yeah, I just feel very like, why am I here if this is what life is going to be like there you go thank you for saying that out loud yeah you've probably had a lot of conversations

about pornography a lot of conversations about sex a lot of conversations about hey all you do is come home and complain to me about your life when's the last time you sat down and looked another person in the eye and said, I'm super lonely and I don't know what to do?

Me and my wife just had that kind of a conversation on Sunday. And I felt heard, but at the same time, it kind of goes back to just how we've been living. Right. Here's the deal.

Y'all are at a place now where you've exceeded your capacity to do this on your own. Yeah. Okay. And this is about your life. This is about your joy and purpose and role. It's about your marriage. It's about your family tree. It's about all of it. Okay. Yeah.

And this is a backyard project that y'all got to dig in with shovels. And all of a sudden you realized we're sitting on top of a huge sinkhole. We need to call professionals in here. Because y'all can have deep meaning conversations. And I'm proud of you. For Sunday saying. I'm so lonely. I don't think I want to be here anymore. I'm proud.

That's hard to say those words out loud. But you say that out loud. And neither of you have the skills to then go. Okay what do we do next? What does that look like next um you go you just fall back into right what we've been doing because we don't know what to do like you see what i'm saying it's like it's like driving you hit an ice patch and you start spinning if you don't already know how to turn into the spin and how to take your foot off the

gas without hitting the brake and all if you don't know how to do that how to take your foot off the gas without hitting the brake. If you don't know how to do that, you just keep your foot on the gas and that thing spins faster and faster until it flies off the bridge, right? Yeah. So, what you need today is to reach out to a professional

in your community. And if you got to drive, drive. If you need to get connected with, like, my friends at BetterHelp, when you do it online, do it online. But you have reached, you are shooing a horse right now and you just realized there's a massive foot infection, you need to call a veterinarian.

That's what just happened. Okay. I will tell you, shame is universal across all cultures and it helps us stay aligned with our groups. Okay. And if it gets out from underneath us, if you do something that violates your core values, right? And your picture of who you should be, your identity, if you do something, you're going to feel shame. And I'm okay with that. It's when it turns into, it becomes, the shame becomes something that becomes a part of us, right?

Or you've heard me talk about the bricks If you do something that violates your core values, you're going to pick up a brick. You're going to hold it I did this thing. It's when you put that brick in your own backpack and say this isn't something I did. This is who I am Okay, right and you have to get out of the I am language And come up with a new I am. I am a guy who's going to steward his mind and his body. I'm a guy who's going to steward his marriage. Not I'm a guy who's going to quit looking at porn.

Okay. See what I'm saying? Yeah. It's a much different proposition to say I'm a guy who just takes care of his body. And part of that is not just not putting trash in my mind. I'm a guy who stewards relationships so that when I start feeling lonely, I feel it way on the front end.

And I tell my wife, hey, I'm feeling disconnected. And we've already met with a counselor and I know she knows disconnection for me is sexual. It's intimacy, right? I miss being with you. And some people, loneliness means I miss just sitting and talking with you. And sometimes couples have one of them, disconnection is sexual. One of them's disconnection is conversational. One of them's disconnection, I just want you to hold me. Whatever that looks like is fine. It's being able to have

that language in your relationship. And she knows it's not her fault or maybe part of it it doesn't matter cool then tonight we're going to be intimate tomorrow we're going to knock off work a little bit earlier whatever that look you see what i'm saying we're going to create some language in our house because not because we're trying to quit we're trying to quit justin from looking at porn no because we're a couple that stewards our because we're a couple that stewards our marriage. We're a couple that stewards our bodies. I just eat right. Not because I'm trying to cut carbs. I eat right because I'm a guy who takes care of his body. See what I'm saying?

Yeah. It's a totally different proposition, right? So I want you to remember this with all of your heart. It's from the great Brene Brown, the shame researcher. Shame eats secrets for breakfast is how she says it. If you have secrets in your marriage

and in your home and in your friend relationships, your body, it has a physiological consequence. It will cost your body. Okay? Okay. It means when you're feeling disconnected

at the very front end and you try to hide it from your wife and you know, once that, that domino gets hit and it starts going and knocking all the other dominoes down, you know where this ends up. It ends up, you wait for your wife to go to the grocery store and then you pull out the laptop and now you're off to the races and you're already feeling bad as it's happening, but also you can't stop it. Right? Yeah. Okay. the moment you start feeling disconnected on a tuesday instead of it waiting till thursday or friday you tell your wife i'm starting to feel disconnected okay that's secrets okay and she is going to learn through professional

counseling that y'all two are going to go to together, y'all are going to learn, you're going to learn how to hear those needs from each other without it setting off your alarms. Now, you mentioned your parents, you come from a house where you're neglected. They had their own lives and you were just a bother. Okay. Recognize in your body that it has identified relationships as something to be avoided because they hurt. You got a little boy inside of you that for his whole life has been asking, what's wrong with me? Why wouldn't they talk to me? There must be something screwed up inside of me. Is that fair?

Is that right? Yeah, you're right. and now you have a need and you're married you've got somebody who's committed in front of her friends and god i'm going to be here to meet your needs and you're going to be there to meet mine and all of a sudden that relationship alarm starts going off and you withdraw and you go to nameless, anonymous, pseudo-intimate sources on the internet because it's safer than entering into a relationship because you did that once when you were a kid and both your parents said, nah, we don't want you. Yeah. Right? So here's the deal. it's like you fell off a cliff into a raging river and you almost drown.

You still got to get out of that river, dry off, but you're gonna have to have water that night to drink because your body has to have it to live, right? You can't just avoid water forever. You got to have relationships to be able to breathe. Okay. So you got to teach your body that relationships used to not be, not be safe, not be okay. Now they are. See what I'm saying? That's the journey you're on. You're going to ret teach your body that relationships used to not be not be safe not be. Okay now they are See what i'm saying? That's the journey you're on you're going to retrain your body same with dealing with your horses That previous owner abused you

I'm going to prove to you over time that i'm not you're teaching that horse that relationships are now safe because they used to not be Get what i'm saying? Yeah, you're that you're that horse. Okay Okay, and so every time you feel your body start to get annoyed at your wife or get feel sharp with her Ask yourself. What is my body trying to protect me from? Not okay. Why won't she you see what i'm saying? There's a total difference there Why oh i'm starting to get close i'm starting to realize I need her right now And my body's like oh, no, no're not gonna do that again and this is when you have to learn the skills to go nope that's exactly what we're doing we're going directly into the into the mouth of this dragon see what i'm saying yeah absolutely it's something you practice um will you commit to 30 days

of staying off the computer? Yeah, I will. Every time you think you want to or you feel like you need to, I'll even go that far and need to, if you've been doing it a long time, it's absolutely as much as any addiction as heroin is. Will you write it down? Go to Walmart or go to get on Amazon

and order a cheap journal, write it down. Here's what time it was during the day Here's what I feel like Here's what's going on in my head as I am feeling this call to do this And then I want you to go for a run go for a walk call a friend go do something go ride a horse Whatever, okay Okay, put on the calendar 30 days Okay mark it off. Cool?

Yep. All right. So after this, I want you to tell your wife, you and I are going to go see somebody and I'm going to make the call for us. Would she be into that for you? Oh, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Good. Hey, you're about to change everything.

Okay. One more thing, Justin. Do you promise that if you think about hurting yourself that you'll call somebody? Yeah, absolutely. You promise, promise? Yeah, yeah. I don't believe you. Yeah, I promise that I'll talk to somebody.

Because it's not that I'll talk to somebody just cause it's not it's not that I want to be gone I just want to feel feel loved yeah absolutely it's not that you want to be dead it's you want the pain to stop yeah

and by the way dude you are loved you're not loved in a way that makes sense And by the way, dude, you are loved. You're not loved in a way that makes sense to that little seven-year-old boy. Because your mom and dad probably told you, we love you. And then they disappeared on you. Yeah. And so your body's trying to figure out what the crap that even means.

And your journey is to figure out this is what feeling loved feels like. Because you don't right now and that's okay it's a skill you're gonna learn it's something you're gonna practice and you're gonna get some dudes in your life that you love and respect and iron sharpens iron you're gonna do life with right okay okay hang on the line i'm gonna send you a copy um in fact i'm gonna send you two copies of Own Your Past, Change Your Future, my book. Okay. And I want you and your wife to read it together and highlight it. This is going to give you all a conversation. I will read a chapter a week, right?

And we're going to read it and we're going to talk about what we read and what we highlighted in it. And we're going to start to look at the little GPS pins of trauma in our life that our body's pegged for us. We're going to start looking at those moments when our bodies start to feel a little bit weird. And we're going to call a counselor. We're playing a long game with this one. And dude, I'm real optimistic. I'm real optimistic. 30 days. I expect you to email me back, Justin, and let me know I made 30 days. And then we'll do 30 days again after that. But we're going to do 30 days to start off with.

Why? Because you're a guy that takes care of himself. You're the guy that stewards his body. You're a guy that stewards his marriage. And we're going to start there, creating a new Justin moving forward. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes.

And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to.

We do this at work, we do this in social settings, we do this around our own families, we even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties,

not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes

and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Hey, Kelly, I'm wired out of my mind. This morning, I went to a coffee shop to meet a buddy and I ordered a Red Eye. You know what that is? Yeah, I do.

A coffee with a bunch of espressos in it. Evidently, it's also like a martini. It's like a martini with espresso in it or something and so i ordered it and the waiter came to the table and they never do that it's like a you go to the counter and order and you go sit down and he said uh hey i need to see an id and i looked at him i was like this must be the most like nitro fueled coffee ever. What do you put in this thing? And he's like the Mart for the red eye martini. And it was like seven 15. And then he goes, yeah, I need to see your ID, man.

Like if you're going to get going this early, I need to make sure. And I was like, I just want some coffee, man. That's it. Did you drink the martini? I had six of them. No, I'm kidding. No, no, I had the, I just, lot. No, I had the red eye, man, and then I had a regular coffee, and now I have other coffee here on the table.

I'm ready to go. It's good. And I saw you pretty much mainline some sugar before we left the office yesterday. That was yesterday, yes. Yeah, so. I'm just tired coming back from, we had those two sold-out shows at Phoenix, man. I'm just coming back kind of tired. You need to get some sleep this weekend.

Agree to disagree. All right, let's go to Tamara in H-Town. What's up, Tamara? Go Astros. Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm good. How are you?

I'm good. Awesome. What's up? So I just have a question. So I sort of been struggling with like getting close to my stepson and like feeling that love for him like I should in a way. Tell me more. So we got custody of him, like half custody about a year ago. And before that, you know, we would just have him like every other weekend and stuff. And my husband was obviously fighting really hard to get half custody. How old is this little boy?

He is seven. Seven. How long have you been married? We have been married for two years. Two years. Were you previously married too? Um, never married. I was in a previous relationship for like nine years and I had a daughter in that relationship. Um, and my daughter's eight, so they're kind of close in age. Um, yeah. So whenever, before we got half custody, we had like full custody for a time because there was like the situation that happened. Um, and so we ended up getting full custody for like a whole summer pretty much. Okay. And during that time I wasn't working. So the caretaking pretty much fell on me.

Okay. Um, and I feel like I struggled a lot. My husband and I had a lot of issues during that time. Um, we almost got a divorce. Why? Why? Because as you're saying this, I'm thinking this has nothing to do with that little boy. No, no. During the time when we were going to get a divorce, it was mostly like financial issues. Um, he was like on the Ramsey blank gun hole about Ramsey and I wasn't, and we just had a bunch of issues. We started seeing a financial

counselor and we fixed that. We pretty much got on the same page. And ever since then, my husband and I have been great, but I feel like this thing with my stepson has me feeling like I'm struggling. And what's the, what's the, what's the struggle? Is he is he loud is he annoying is he a brat is he is he not feeling like your daughter feels what is the thing you're struggling with um well yeah pretty much you said it like he's just very loud um kind of body just stuff that i'm not used to like my with my daughter, she's just very chill, very laid back. I had all girls in my family, like nothing but sisters, cousins, pretty much girls. And so I wasn't used to boys.

Welcome to the Terra Dome, Tamara. You're in it now. I know So with him I was like oh my goodness Is this how boys You know he's a lot That's the exact words my wife used To describe me

What's it like living with John She's like it's a lot It's a lot Not every boy Some boys are quiet Some boys do their own thing She's like, it's a lot. It's a lot. Yeah. Yes. Not every boy. Some boys are quiet. Some boys do their own thing. And some boys are maniacs.

Yeah. Yeah. It sounds like you have some expectations about what you're supposed to feel and how kids are supposed to be. And that's the issue here. I don't ever want to punish a seven-year-old boy for being a seven-year-old boy. Let me say punish. I don't want to dislike a seven-year-old boy for being a seven-year-old boy. Or let me say punish. I don't want to dislike a seven-year-old boy for being a seven-year-old boy. Yeah, exactly.

And I don't want to feel that way. I was a child of divorced parents. So I had, you know, step-parents. My stepdad sort of like didn't really care for us. You know, to this day, I've never had a real conversation with my stepdad. Like he just didn't care much for us. So will you change that? I'm sorry? Are you going to change that?

With my stepdad? Nope. Can't. Can't. That one's got a period at the end. But now you're a step parent. Yes. And you get to change what happens moving forward. Are you going to, are you going to do that? Yes, I want to. That's why I'm here. Do you, ah, there we go. Okay. So before I

walk you through it, do you want to, or do you want to want to? Um, because if you want to, it's going to require you to do different things. Yeah. If you want to want to, then you just have to wait until you decide you actually want to make some changes in your life. Yeah. I want to. Okay. So I'm going to tell you something that's hard and is not politically correct. Is that cool? Uh-huh. Okay. I don't care about how you feel. As the adult, I care more about right now what you do. Yeah.

Okay. You can't compare him to the feelings and connection you have with your daughter okay it's gonna feel different especially right now and especially because they're so different right and so comparing them a total fool's errand man you're gonna you're gonna you'll crash that that into the end of the ditch i called a buddy of mine who's um has somewhat of a similar situation. Just walk through like, hey, what are some things you experienced in the house? What are some things your wife experienced? So comparison is what's going to kill you. The second thing is, is you've got to let completely go your preconceived notions of what full custody was going to mean. I think you're still hanging on. You fought for custody. You were all in until

you're like, oh, this is for custody. You were all in until you like, oh, this is what a seven-year-old boy in the house feels like and looks like. How does pee get everywhere, right? How does it get everywhere? It just does. You're going to have to let those preconceived notions go and let your seven-year-old be who your seven-year-old is. Yeah. My guess is that summer that you spent, you had some preconceived notions about what that summer is going to look like. And all of a sudden, you ended up and it was July.

And you were basically just a caretaker of your new husband's kid. And it was less about, I bet you're fun to hang out with. But it was less about that and more about, I didn't sign up for this or I had different expectations for this. And now my life is different than I thought it was going to be. Is that fair? Yes. Okay.

Um, so I care way more about what you do. Have you had like a weekly date with him? Just us two. Um, I'm going to take him out for breakfast or dinner. Just us two. It's been, it's been a while. But yeah, I, I agree that I feel like I should do more of that with him.

It's not, it's not big, huge grand gestures. It's not like I got to take that with him. It's not big, huge grand gestures. It's not like, I got to take him to Disneyland. It's not that. It's the tiny little things that he hasn't had in a long time. Once a week, you get breakfast with stepmom. And we're going to pick some restaurant. I eat at Waffle House with my kid. And I literally am dying every time I have breakfast.

I know this. But the time with him is worth it, right? I mean, from what I'm eating. But it's a great time with him. But it's always on the calendar. And so letting him know relationally, I'm going to keep showing up. I'm going to invest in you. Little things like, hey, give me a list of books and movies you like.

I'm reading an old Michael Crichton book right now because I'm doing a book exchange with my son. And it wouldn't have been a book that I picked, but I'm trying to get into it so I can get into his world. And I can talk to things he's interested in. See what I'm saying? And ultimately, he's going to remember dad invested in me. Dad came to my world sometimes and didn't always drag me along to his. And so I'd love you to make a list of music, a list of, I, my son the other day got in the truck and you've probably heard me talk about

his love for nineties country. I had like a, I don't know, Garth Brooks or Brooks and Dunn there. I don't know. It's CD in my, in my CD player in the, in the truck. Um, and he's like, dad, what are you listening to? And I said, I'm listening to this cause I love you. And he beamed, right? So you may have to grit your teeth through some new hip hop artist or through some new pop country art. I don't, I don't care. We're going to teach him that I'm investing in you. Okay. And then the little thing, would he give you a hug every day? Uh, yes. And, um, see, that's what gets me sometimes because he's so like cuddly and, you know, just like very, he's, he's a sweet boy. Um, and sometimes I, I struggle with like feeling, you know, that, or like he'll come up and hug me when I get home.

Sometimes he'll come before my daughter does and like give me a big hug. Why does that catch, why don't you like that? Or why don't you see that for what it is, which is a little boy saying, am I safe? Do you love me? I don't, i don't know okay what do you what do you feel when he hugs you annoyed frustrated get away from me what do you feel um gosh like i would say just say it just say it just say say maybe annoyed. Just say it. Say what? Maybe annoyed because I don't feel like that connection.

So, yeah. What is the connection going to feel like? I don't know. Like it does when, you know, my daughter comes up to hug me or something. It will never feel like that. Uh-huh. Would you do that to a seven-year-old like in the mall? Would I?

Yeah. Or would you, if a seven-year-old in the mall or like at a church or something came up to give you a hug, would you be like, ugh? Probably. Probably. I have never been like a really like huggy. Thank you for being honest. Cuddly person. Here's an important

thing number one you can teach him boundaries by saying i'm not a big hugger but i do like this let's come up with a secret handshake together or um you can practice not quote unquote feeling like a hug, but still hugging this little seven-year-old boy anyway. Okay. That's what adults do is they do the right thing, even though they quote unquote don't feel like it. I didn't feel like working out this morning. You do it anyway.

Right. Yeah. Um, now when it comes to your body there's a little bit that's a little bit different so there may come seasons when you say i don't want him burying his head in my chest and i don't want him nuzzling up on me that's fine here's how we're going to do this instead right so but we're not we're not starving him and cutting him off because right now he's wondering what was so bad about him that his mom left what was so bad about me That dad Made mom go away Well

He His mom is in the picture We have half custody I know I know But his whole world Has exploded And he's coming to you

Every time saying Am I safe Yeah Do you love me And your body Is telling him Ew Ew Seventh grade boy Gross gross. Or seven-year-old boy, gross. Second grader, don't do that. Yeah. Okay. Even if you don't feel like it, that connection with that kid doesn't mean you have to nuzzle up to them, doesn't mean you have to, there's a fine line here, but it's right. Let me ask you this hard question.

And I may be out to lunch here, okay? Is there something about seeing him, or let me preface it this way. I had a girlfriend for a long time before I got married. I've been married 20 years. And I'm friends with almost all my old girlfriends. I'm cordial, would say hi to them, all that. So it's not like a weird thing. My wife told me once, I'll always be jealous of so-and-so. And I said, why? We've been married for two decades. And the response was so insightful. And she she said because she'll always have something i don't have and i was like what's that and she said five more years of knowing you she'll always be ahead of me and it never occurred to me um and again that jealousy is not like she's

my wife's waking up in the middle of the night with lipstick on the right drawing on the mirror right nothing like that but it's this idea like there's always a little tiny i didn't know you as a freshman she did in high school i didn't know you as a weird awkward junior in high school she did right so is there something about seeing this little boy that reminds you or acknowledges that your husband had another life before you? Um, yeah. And, um, I think it's also has to do with like, um, he has a lot of his mom's qualities. Like, you know, he's sort of like negative. He can be very negative, negative very um he can be a little manipulative sometimes um okay hold on hold on you are putting adult um adult issues on a child yeah ex-wife may be super manipulative seven-year-old little boy is trying to figure out a way to get an adult to love him because the other adults in his life blew up his life yeah very very different even if both of the actions look the same right a lying seven-year-old is

different than a lying 30-year-old lying isying is not good, but one of them signals something. You see what I'm saying? Yes, yes. So don't put adult characteristics, adult issues into the heart and mind of that little seven-year-old. And you opted into this marriage, into this relationship with a guy who had been on another honeymoon before, who made another human before. You did too, by the way and so don't punish the seven-year-old for your insecurities for your husband's past for his crazy ex is a crazy ex-wife that little seven-year-old doesn't deserve that

you see what i'm saying okay And the path through that is you making peace with the relationship that you chose, which is this new marriage. And it's you making peace with you're enough. Does your husband walk around wishing he had his ex-wife back? No. Okay. Then don't start, don't walk around. You don't walk around that house saying, well, he used to have another woman that he loved. Don't do that. Don't do that. Why? That's just choosing to be miserable, right?

And I want you to practice doing new things with this little boy, even when you quote unquote, don't feel like it. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to send you the questions for humans for kids. Okay? Okay. And I want you to commit to two months. That's eight breakfasts with him in a row so that there's some sort of routine and take these cards. It's all you have to do is take

these cards, just you two together and ask him some of these questions. Okay. Okay. That's it. And he asks you, you got to be honest and answer. And if he actually says something funny, laugh. And if he comes at you to hug you and his hands are covered in frogs and worms or whatever else, you can grab his wrist and say, hold on, go wash your hands. And you're teaching him hygiene and hospitality. And then you're going to give him that hug. Even though he looks like his mom, even though he acts like his mom even though he looks he acts like his your husband's ex because he's just a little seven-year-old boy wondering are you gonna leave me too okay are you gonna leave him no i don't want to no no no i don't want to what's yo to say

there is no try are you gonna leave him? No. Okay. Rest on that. Exhale on that. I'm going to be here. So what does that mean? That means I get to decide what this relationship looks like moving forward. And since I'm the adult, I'm going to do things even when I don't quote unquote feel like them. I'm going to use my energy to connect with this kid. This kid is going gonna graduate high school and he's gonna have some challenges because the divorce was a big deal. The fighting is a big deal.

The back and forth with mom and dad and ex, all that, that's a big deal. This kid will never wonder if I loved him. He's never gonna wonder if I would show up if he needed me. Because I'm gonna have laid a path that he knows exactly who I am and how much he means to me. And you as the adult are going to have to practice that. And don't compare him to your daughter.

They're never going to be the same. Never going to be the same. And that's okay. Thank you so much for the call, Tamara. You're a brave, brave stepmom. Lean into it. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how

powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new home buyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their home buyer edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate

for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillmortgage.com slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we're back. Let's take one more Unamas. Let's go to Claire in Pennsylvania. What's up, Claire? How are we doing? Hi, Dr. John. I'm so excited to talk to you. This is so exciting. I'm excited to talk to you. What's happening? Okay. So I had a baby nine weeks ago. Congratulations. And thank you.

And since then, I have been so annoyed with my husband. Everything, like the first two weeks, I actually think I hated him. Everything he did just, oh, I made my skin crawl. I just had this like visceral reaction. It was terrible. I'm laughing with you, not at you. So what was he doing? What was he doing? Well, so that's what made it worse is he was doing every, like he was being so good. He was like helping with the baby and like, he was keeping the house clean. Like he did nothing wrong. And yet I still was like, I just had this, I was just so annoyed. Um, and so, you know, that was like the first couple of weeks and since then it's gotten a lot

better, but I'm still like, I don't know. I still get very annoyed when just, I guess at him in general. And again, it's like for no reason, like he's still, he's an amazing husband. And I like, logically, I know, like, I'm so grateful, but just, I just can't like shake these feelings of just annoyance. Um, so, and I'm sick of it. Like, I really want to feel loving for my husband again. Um, but, and you know, like we have such good communication, like he knows how I'm feeling and we've talked about it so much and talking about it does help. But like, I still have these like lingering feelings of annoyance and I really want to get rid of them. So one, number one, you're awesome.

Thank you for, you just, you just clarified what millions of new moms feel and experience in a very clear and concise way. So thank you for doing that. Okay. That's comforting that it's not just me. You're not insane. No. Okay. Trying to think where to, where to.

Annoyance doesn't mean you don't love him. Number one, don't equate those two things. Number two, feelings are very, very important and they lie to you. And part of dealing with a new body, a new life, you have a kid now with a new husband because he's a new guy. He's got a child. He's the same dude, looks the same, smells the same, leaves his underwear in the same pile. Totally different guy. Totally different guy now. Right? So it doesn't mean you love him. It means y'all got to build something completely new. Now I want to ask you something. You have to tell me the truth. You promise?

I promise. Okay. I promise. I don't fully believe you. So convince me. There's something he's doing that's driving you crazy. What is it? So we just talked about this like two days ago, um, in the beginning. So like when he, when we just got home from the hospital, go for it. Okay. So when So when we got home from the hospital, he was like, I think he was, and we listened to an app. Anyway, he was like trying to be super dad, I think. And I felt like the only thing I was doing was nursing the baby. And then he would take the baby and change the baby and play with it and put the baby down and everything. And at first, I think I felt like I was being robbed of like being his mom kind of.

Does that make any sense at all? A thousand percent it does. Okay. So like I said, like we had talked about that and like we've sort of just a couple of days ago, we kind of had the conversation about like our new roles, like what his role as dad looks like and like what my role as mom looks like. And it's been much better since then. But I think that was the thing that sort of like set it off is just like, I felt like, like I have been like looking forward to being a mom, like my whole adult life.

So I was so excited to have the baby. And then it felt like all I was doing was feeding the baby, which of course is important, but like, I wanted to do all of the other things too. And so what you ran into is a super common thing. You've heard me talk about this a million times on the show. You had a very distinct picture of what mom was going to be. And you had a picture of what dad was going to be. And he had a very distinct picture of what being a dad was going to be like and what your role as a mom was going to be like. And both of you went into that with the greatest of motives and the highest love for one another and for that little baby.

And you just pass each other in the night because you had different, you used words and the words were mom and dad, but the pictures of what that looked like were very different. Yeah. Right? And so all we have to do is align. Here's what dad's going to mean for us. Here's what dad's going to mean for us. Here's what mom is going to mean for us.

And then we're going to live into that picture. Your husband sounds like an awesome guy who was like, I'm not going to be that dad who just sits there watching football. I'm going to be this. And you sound like an awesome mom who was, I want to experience all of this. I've carried this knucklehead for nine months. I want to experience all of it.

And I don't want to be that mom that's like whining about her husband all the this. I've carried this knucklehead for nine months. I want to experience all of it. And I don't want to be that mom that's whining about her husband all the time. And then in an effort to love each other, great, y'all forgot to ask each other what that meant. Right. Yeah, we did. And now here we are. Now you're frustrated and you're annoyed with them, whatever. Okay. So let your annoyance not be something you're scared of. Let it be a traffic signal. Just giving you a heads up that there's probably something you haven't spoken out loud yet. And you will find if you speak something out loud and your husband does something, you won't be frustrated or annoyed. You'll be pissed, right? Your body will let you know. I specifically said,

I am changing diapers. And he's like, ha ha ha. I changed all the diapers. You'll be angry. You won't be annoyed. Annoyance is usually me not speaking my boundaries and somebody crossing them and not knowing they crossed them. Okay. So I just have to figure out what that is. Exactly. And so ask yourself with joy, with a smile on your face, ask yourself, what's my body trying to tell me right now? What is he doing right now that I would like to be doing? But you see how important it is to be curious and not judgmental? Yes. Just be curious about it.

Like, oh man, I'm starting to be really annoyed at that dude. It's because he's singing and I want I had a picture of quiet all you have to do is say hey, can I have Like i've been listening to this baby cry all day. Can we have some quiet and he'll go? Oh, yeah, sure Right. I know and he will you know, like I know he will if I just asked him he would he would do anything You know, okay. So now you're, how long have y'all been married? Three years. Okay, you're in part two. Congratulations.

You just went to level two in marriage, right? Yeah, it was a big jump. Oh, yeah, and they don't tell you about any of that stuff. No, they don't. Right? But here's what part two means. Part two means before you had baby, No, I don't. your life is different. You can't do that anymore. Or you can once a year, right? And then you just get gassy when you eat ice cream in the middle of the night. It's not even worth it. So nothing

has changed and everything has changed. And so instead of getting home at 5 p.m. and him being able to just nod his head to you across the room and you know, oh gosh, he wants to hook up again and we're just going to do it. Now you got to put on the calendar. Right. Now, instead of just leaving the room because he's singing, now you got a baby and you can't just get up and leave the room. You got to tell him, hey, please stop singing. So now we're going to be more intentional about letting our needs be heard. And it takes a lot more risk because when we let our needs be heard, our partner can say, no, I'm not doing that. And so it's more vulnerable.

As you move up levels, it becomes more vulnerable. See what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. And I feel like I'm not great at speaking my needs anyway. No, none of us are. None of us are, right? And so you're going to practice it. But it's letting him know, hey, I am going to start speaking my needs and I want you to start speaking your needs.

And this is going to be awkward and weird for both of us. Yeah. Because he's going to speak a need to you and you are going to instantly be filled up with shame about it. I can't believe he had to ask me for this or you're going to be filled up with anger. Does he know what I'm doing every day? And you have to commit to not letting those feelings,

you can feel them, it's fine, but they're not telling you the truth. And you're going to have to say, okay, he, husband did what he said he was going to do. He's expressed his needs. Now I get to decide whether I'm going to meet those needs and how, and then you got to do the same thing for him. Yeah. Right. Yeah. No, it makes sense. And annoyance is just a signal. That's just a signal. Okay, good. I was getting scared by my annoyance, so I'm glad that you said that. No, no, no, no, no. You're not broken. You're not broken at all.

Right? Usually, I thought you were going to say this. Usually when I talk to you, nine weeks or nine months? Nine weeks. Okay, nine weeks. As to, it's used about month three or four that husbands are like, well, when are we going to start hooking up again? You know what I mean? And so that's usually when people are like, I'm super annoyed with him.

Like, I just, I am, I want my body back. I'm feeding a kid. My body's still trying to get back into its original shape. Now this guy's pawing at me. I just want, like, you're not there yet, possibly, but you'll be there soon. Let that. He's given me some looks and I've kind of shut him down. That's right. That's right. Yeah. So it will morph from look to, so, uh, right. And so here's the deal. Let's commit now to speaking our needs out loud and really his need like his like dude when are we gonna that's really often code for i miss my wife right um and that's different than i just want to get

all like right see what i'm saying so we're just going to be curious we're going to be not judgmental with each other and we're going to practice speaking our needs out loud. And then by the way, you're going to have all kinds of banana feelings. It's all good. You know what else you're going to feel? Really annoyed at that kid. And then you know what you're going to feel?

Really guilty that you felt annoyed. Yeah. And then you're going to feel really shameful that you felt guilty. It's just, it's all, it's all, it's all lies. It never ends.

No. And that's part of the fun, right? It's part of the fun. And it's all It's all lies It never ends No And that's part of the fun Right It's part of the fun And it's super annoying To bring us full circle So Claire

You're a great mom Thank you You're a great wife And You're just in level two And you just gotta do You're gonna have to learn New skills in this one

And by the way You're gonna have another kid And he's gonna get a new job And then you're gonna think About going back to work Or not going back to work And then you're gonna to have to learn new skills in this one. And by the way, you're going to have another kid and he's going to get a new job. And then you're going to think about going back to work or not going back to work. And then you're going to go to level three. And this whole thing keeps moving, right? Yeah. Yeah. So I'll leave you with this. The great Esther Perel says, the average adult has four or five great loves in their lifetime, in their adult lifetime. And if they work really hard, it's with the same person. But I am not the guy my wife married. Not even close. That guy was an idiot. And I'm not who I was 15 years ago. Thank goodness. I'm not who I was 10 years ago. I'm

especially not who I was five years ago, four years ago, especially not. So all that to say is my wife has had to keep, okay, I'm now married to this guy. I'm now married to this guy. I am now married to this guy. And I've had to do the same thing with her. She's a radically different woman than the person I married. And so the adventure and excitement and joy of marriage is, what do you need? How can I help meet your needs? And here's what I need. That's not what you needed last season. You're right. It's a new season now. Just like in the summer, I need shorts and a t-shirt. In the winter,

I need a coat and jacket. I'm still the same guy. My needs just change. And that happens all the time. And if you can unhook from, this is the way, quote unquote, it's supposed to be, this is how I'm supposed to feel. And this is what is. Oh man. Now you're in for an incredible adventure with a partner on to wherever y'all end up. And that, my friend Claire, that's the magic. That's the magic. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings

and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, this is not James Blunt. You're beautiful. Not that song. This is James Bay.

Best fake smile. And it goes like this. No, you don't have to wear your best fake smile. Don't have to stand there and burn inside. And if you don't like it, she's working late and making eyes at the door. She's sick of everybody up on her floor. She wants the sun in her eyes, but all she gets is ignored. She used to put it out and get it all back,

and now she's slipping, trying to carry the act. She's sweating under the lights. Now she's beginning to crack. Whoa. You don't have to care, so don't pretend. Nobody needs a best fake friend. Don't hide it. And that's what we're here for.

We're not hiding nothing. We'll see you soon.