The Dr. John Delony Show - I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife

Episode Date: May 19, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·       A man trying to get over feelings for his ex-wife ·       A wife struggling to reestablish trust with her husband and rebuild the marriage ·       A woman who still feels guilty about being involved with a married man Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch  Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.  🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi.  💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne.  🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

How do I move past my sexual attraction to my ex-wife? I've had relationships with new women, but it never seems to gratify the same way as it did with my ex-wife. Is this about sex or is this about a 20 year relationship where somebody knows everything about you and there's a deep, safe, intimate connection there. What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Delaney Show, coming to you not live.

That kind of feels like it is, right, Kelly? Kind of feels like it is. Well, I mean, we're live in the fact that we're all in here doing this show right now, but when the people hear us, it will have been... I think one day we're going to do this show and it's going to be like some big wild thing. And we're just going to be like beep, beep, beep, like before COVID when all those people had recorded their shows.

Right. Because yeah, I mean, so from the time we record this until it releases, it's a good five weeks, four weeks. No, more than that. And so yeah, you know, things happen in that amount of time. And we're just like, la la la. We transcend the daily. Yeah.

I'm worried about like baseball season has started and spring is here, you know. I don't really care about baseball because the Astros traded away everybody. That's why I'm a huge believer in the Nashville stars because my Astros gave everybody away. So we just need the White Sox to have one more really obnoxiously bad year. They can just move on down south to the Nashvilles. I don't even know if that's supposed to be how it works out, but that's what I'm hoping for. Hey, glad that you're with us on this show. Kind of distracted today because Kelly got a new tattoo. She got a dragon across her stomach.

And if you're wondering, was it weird when she showed us? Yup, it was. But I'm glad that you're here talking about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your coworkers who just get weird tattoos and just feel the need to show you. Oh, so you're going to talk about weird tattoos. All right, let's go out to Phoenix. TJ, what's up, brother? How much? What are What's up, brother?

How much what are you up to sir dude I am rocking on to the breaking dawn brother just chillin are you yeah What about you? You know just enjoying life excellent in the warm in the great area here. Oh, what's up? well, my question to you is, is how do I move past my sexual attraction to my ex-wife? How do you move on from your sexual attraction to your ex-wife? I need some more context. I would assume you're still sexually attracted to her. That's not a strange assumption, so tell me what you're struggling with. Well, we were married for 23 years and we've now been divorced for three years. And you know, I've had relationships with, with new women and whatever else, but it never

seems to gratify or satiate the same way as I did with my ex-wife. Is this about sex or is this about a 20 year relationship where somebody knows everything about you and there's a deep, safe, intimate connection there? I would say it would be a bit of all of that. Well, because one of the biggest, the funniest misnomers is that the best sex you're ever going to have is when you're 25. And what the data tells me is like married couples who are in their 40s and 50s are having the best sex. And so, but that's not because they look the greatest. I was way more attractive when I was 20, right? Like it's not it's not the things that we think matter when we're younger

It is I know what you're into I know what makes your toenails curl. I know like I know all about you and there's a safety there's a Relational safety that is super deep after two decades with somebody Yeah, I I would agree with all that yes. So I guess it like let's take sex out of the equation. I don't know. No we could leave it in. I guess I guess I to have the same level of trust and sexual compatibility and intimacy, you're going to need more time. Like you're going to have to build that relational stability.

You were married to somebody, now you're just hooking up with people. That's a different anchor point. Yeah, when you say it like that, yes. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, no it like that, yes. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, no, that all makes sense. If you're married 20 years, not everybody, but you get to a point where you're not performing anymore. You're just, you can be with. If you're just hooking up with somebody, that's a show, right? You're doing your greatest hits so that hopefully they can do their greatest hit.

See what I'm saying? Yeah, we're playing nothing but the hits here. That's exhausting. Cause you're not being you. Yeah. Right. What does, what does, I mean, do you still miss your ex?

Well, yeah. I mean, like you said earlier, it was somebody that I was with for 23 years. And why'd y'all get divorced? Well she lost respect for me in the end. I mean, I had some business deals that went bad and, you know, there were money issues that went on. And, you know, I don't want to throw the word narcissist out there, but I mean, she certainly falls into a lot of those personality traits. Gas was her biggest nastiness to her. So it was, you know, and then after we got divorced, I mean, she came out as a lesbian too. So that might have played a factor in it a little bit. You think?

I don't think it, I don't think it. It was only a small factor. I don't think it. I don't think it. Oh, it was it was it was only a small factor I don't I don't think it was a huge factor, but I knew she was I Knew she was gay when I was married to her, but it never seemed to Affect anything otherwise, but I mean she was just a very difficult. It was a very she's a very difficult person. So What are you saying man difficult person. So hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. What are you saying, man? Like you're like, I knew that she wasn't living a life that she felt would make her a whole, but it was all good.

And she was combative and was blaming me for her lack of happiness. I knew she was gay, but it was all good And then I had no it wasn't I had money issues and business issues that did you have integrity issues, too? Did you hide the losses? No, okay. No, I didn't do that. So she just didn't do that. It was hard to do that in 2008 We went down for millions. Oh, there you go. Okay Yeah, well some tried, some went down trying. I'm sure they did. So here you are three years post-divorce. Yes. Do you like the life you're living right now?

No. Do you respect TJ? Do you respect you in this new world? Do I respect myself? Yes, I do. Okay. Yeah. Are you proud of who you've become post divorce? Yes. Excellent.

Yeah. Excellent. Who are you sharing your life with? In what respect? Do you have a group of guys that you hang out with, that you go shooting pool with, that you're shooting with or drinking with? I don't know what you do out there in Phoenix, but just sitting around being hot with, right? Do you have a gang?

Oh yeah. We go out to the lake, go wakeboarding and surfing and all that stuff. Yeah, I know I have a group of guys that I hang out with. So every time you date, what happens? I'm nearly... I'm sorry? Every time you date, what happens? Your ex-wife just pops into your mind? Yeah, sometimes. Part of me is that, well, I'm 52 to put some context to it, is that

like I'm out in the dating market of 50-year-old women and they come with some wild issues too and some of it- So do you! and you know they come with some wild issues too. And some of it- So do you! Well I know, but it's all in how you deal with them too. Right. Or what you wanna get involved with. Right.

A lot of, they're all going, yes, they're going through their divorce at the same time. So let me ask you this, what are you looking for in the last, in the back half of your life? You built a life for somebody and neither of y'all were honest with each other and you tried to make it work and imploded. Now you're, now you're trying to figure out what you can do in the back half of your life.

What do you want that to look like? Uh, serenity. Peace. Awesome. Uh, serenity, um, peace, peace, peace. I love that. Um, my, my ex-wife made it very difficult for me to, uh, be with my own family. So I spent quite a, quite a lot of time, uh, reconnecting with my own family. So I spent quite a lot of time reconnecting with my own parents who are on their last days. Amazing.

Kind of things. So I'm enjoying that and I've opened a new business which is looking very profitable. So I'm happy with that. So can we exhale for a second and grieve? You had a spirited, sexually adventurous, very chaotic two decades with somebody. There was good stuff, there was great stuff, there was really tough stuff and there was painful stuff.

And there was really tough stuff and there was painful stuff. If you keep that door open and you parade every new person you meet in front of that door just to compare it, it will always collapse on you. You have to agree that that part of your life is over. And if you had great sex with your wife, no new person is going to, your ex wife, no new person is going to come in and take that away or minimize that. You only have a few choices in your life to have a 20 year relationship with somebody. Right. So it's not about how do you compare.

It was great. She was my wife. What's gonna matter going forward is can you and I decide you're gonna bring baggage to the table. I'm bringing baggage to the table. We are gonna choose peace in our house and we're gonna choose as much joy and novelty and fun and whatever and whatever and whatever moving forward Is that is that does that make sense

Yeah No that that I mean I've heard I've heard you use the same kind of advice in the past. I guess I just never applied it to myself. Gotcha. Grieve, you know, grieve it and move on. And because it feels like if I, if I, you were just talking to me, I would feel like you just found out six months ago that your wife actually is gay after two decades. She just hit it from you and hit it from you and she moved out.

She's remarried to another woman and your head is still spinning that's how fresh it feels when you're talking about it even those three years ago right that makes that makes sense total sense yes can i just say this i'm sorry because i also get the impression you really loved her yeah I did does your wife do yeah that's the thing you do and with things when you have kids together it sort of puts another layer on there right yeah it's their mom mm-hmm so you're always gonna be connected to her. Right. And trying to have somebody just waltz in and do put like that. Don't let the physical whatever fun times y'all had whatever deep connected sexual contact

you don't let those moments. Let me say this, going to the top of the Empire State Building and looking at that spire that goes really high into the clouds, it's amazing. But you can't forget that that only exists because of the however many 300 or whatever floors that are beneath it holding it up. floors that are beneath it holding it up. The sex was so great and the connection was so great and the depth was so great because y'all were both all in for 20 years. You made humans together.

You were ride or die. And there was some big secrets, some big, big, big things in between you two. But man, y'all went for it. And if she's the one who decided, I'm out. I don't respect you. Then you would be a different man than me if you didn't look in the mirror and ask, Am I worth respecting? And by the way, for whatever it's worth, I think you can be a respectable person whose business goes away. it's worth, I think you can be a respectable person whose business goes away.

I think you're going to be proud of yourself that you went all in and some new technology came and took your company away from you or a new competitor or a financial collapse. Or a financial collapse, right? Yeah. That's not a reason to bail on somebody. That's a reason to double down on somebody. And she left. That's painful, man. That hurts. And so I would say as you're dating and as you decide to marry somebody new, let those opportunities be as fresh and new, because we're starting from day one with those things. And do not compare them to what was.

And by the way, that's going to be a natural thing. When that pops into your head, you have to make a choice. They have to make a choice. I'm stopping for a second. No, I'm not going to go back to that one night or go back to that crazy weekend then wherever I'm not going back there. My wife left me we are divorced. She is gone. I'm here with her. And if you try to heal those wounds of hey, she left with sex with strangers, if you try to heal that, I thought we were ride or die and the economy tanked and then you were gone and you start to feel like

I was just a meal ticket for you and the kid. Like when you have those moments, like the thing about casual sex is for a second, it can make that stuff go away, but it is hollow and hollow and it piles up on you. So pause for a minute, brother. Pause for a minute, grieve that thing fully and I don't know anybody who can grieve by themselves so get your gang and then date somebody new and be open. Everybody's gonna have baggage. 21 year olds who get married

have baggage. They got their family baggage. They're bringing their whole families in the new house with them. And they gotta figure out how to unwind those things. It's just part of moving forward with somebody. Honor what was. You loved her. And if you believe you did right by her for 20 plus years,

then honor that. Exhale, drop your shoulders. And if you believe she just walked out on you, if you believe that she said it was all cool even though she was gay and it hurt like exhale that it hurts. It's painful. And then meet somebody else and say, hi, my name is DJ. I got a lot of baggage too.

I'd love to get to know you. Thanks for the call my brother. I really appreciate you hop on the show. All right, coming up we talked to a woman who is struggling to regain her husband's trust and it wasn't an affair. We'll be right back. Alright just a quick word about the best mattress in the world, Helix. Spring is here and that means the darkness and the cold are finally gone and we can get

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show. Go to helixsleep.com. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. Alright, let's talk about red light therapy. I've been on board with the benefits of red light therapy for a long, long time. And that's why I'm excited to tell you about my friends at Bond Charge. Our lives are lived almost entirely inside under this glow of fluorescent lights

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I got the mask and I'm starting to feel soooo gorgeous. Just wear it 10 minutes a few times a week for fresher skin. And it's easy, there's no creams or appointments, it's lightweight, and it's even cordless. Go to BondCharge.com slash Dolony and use coupon code Dolony to say 15%. Let's go to Nicole in the Ozarks. What's up, Nicole? Hi. What's up? I'm doing great.

Outstanding. Better than I actually have been in a very, very long time. Incredible. Just by calling the show, your life got better. I actually agree. I probably would disagree with you. Okay, so go ahead. What's up?

Well, my original question is, what should I expect with rebuilding my marriage? And if you want me to, I'll jump into some backstory, but yeah. Yeah, let it rip. Okay. Well, me and my husband have been married for 10 years. And in the last five years, I've been struggling with depression unknowingly. I could only focus on keeping me and my three boys alive and none of the house tours were getting done at all.

And my husband loves a clean house. He and I have had several conversations about it and all ending with me saying, I'll do better, I'll do better, I'll do better. And every time better would last for a week at the most and fall off. Um, his trust is very low right now. And I don't blame him for that. Um, and he told me last month that he had actually been considering leaving me several times, but didn't see the logical way of doing it.

I've been in counseling and God has been helping me for the last three months, healing and growing and changing for the better. In listening to your show, I was able to ask him to rebuild a new marriage with me and he was on board. We are a month into rebuilding and I'm three months into counseling and change. I'm wondering what to expect with him needing to rebuild trust with me. And how do I practice slowing my role when I just want to get to the good part. Yeah. There's so much in your question.

You said today, the last few days have been the best in a long time. What's made them the best? Well, just for a really long time, I have been struggling with depression unknowingly. It feels like, um, it feels like I have kind of like the best analogy I can figure out is like a three-part Christmas tree. And when you don't have one plugged in, the rest of the lights don't work. And that's just kind of what it's been feeling like where mind, body and spirit are not plugged in together.

But in the last three months, it's felt like mind, body and spirit finally plugged in and I can actually put mind, body and spirit together. I can get house chores done. Literally, my house is cleaner than it's ever been in 10 years of being married. And it feels so good. It feels like a giant weight off my shoulder.

And I can see it in my husband, I can see it in my kids that we're all feeling better because of it. So it's just kind of like this, ah, moment. But then it's like after he told me last month that he had been considering leaving, I was like, oh, whoa, this is a lot serious. This is a lot more serious than I thought it was. So. Is it that you have a cleaner house? Or is it for the first time in five years,

you feel like you can finally trust you again? It can make me emotional, Jon. Because you're thinking depression, like I talk about anxiety, OCD, all these other things. Depression's a different animal in my book. And I think depression and anxiety are on the same trend line, but it's a body that says it's your body trying to take care of you by turning the lights out and get under the covers.

And it's really powerful. And in any major depressive, and I'm obviously not gonna diagnose you over the phone, but in any major depression, like when you're dealing with somebody who is really struggling with depression, one of the chief goals is tiny wins. Yeah. Just get up today and take a shower,

then get back in bed, that's it. That's how it was a lot. Just get up today, take a shower, put on makeup, go back to bed. Yeah, and I stayed depression That's how it was a lot. Just get up today, take a shower, put on makeup, go back to bed. Yeah. And I stayed depression because I was never really clinically diagnosed, but I could see the patterns and my dad actually struggled with depression, but he didn't ever tell me or my brother that it was depression.

So it was just really angry around the house and you just kind of thought he was just a really mad person. So, you and I only have, we've been talking for three minutes. Can I connect some dots and you just say, no, no, you're wrong? Yeah. Okay. Is there a chance that whenever a parent is really struggling with depression, very challenging for a kid because, I often use the same analogy in talking about parents who are struggling with alcohol, for a kid it's like trying to hug a ghost. They're there, they're right there

physically, but they're not there. And for a child, children do so much to try to connect. Hey, let's go play the ball, kick the ball. Hey, will you do this? Can we watch videos in your lap? Can I do anything with you? Cause a child naturally wired into them evolutionarily, they have to stay connected to a parent. And when a parent is unplugged right next to them,

whether it's because of substance or because of depression or whatever, a kid will kind of start cycling. They'll start spinning, trying to find ways to connect. And you did that your whole childhood, fair? Definitely. Okay. Yeah, 100%. And my mom really wasn't a great person either.

She would rather go to work than be home. Work was her drug, right? Yeah. Work was her drug, right? Yeah. Work was her drug. So is there a possibility, tell me, I'm happy to be wrong here, that you fell in love with somebody and you married them. And then yet again, you found yourself having to perform

up to a certain set of tasks for them to be okay with you? For instance, the house has to look a certain way or I'm out of here? Yeah, kind of. I mean, I definitely believe that my husband was given to me by God because of other circumstances that we don't have time to go into. But- But did you accidentally marry your unfinished business? Yeah, I can see that. And he told me even last night that he thought that marriage was the next thing to check off in his box. So I, so yeah, we kind of both did it. So in a weird way, and this, and hear me say this,

this isn't, it's not a good thing, but it's not a bad thing, okay? Just as an is, okay? Yeah. And this happens all the time. It happened in my marriage, okay? Yeah. Y'all both married each other

in some sort of way using the other person to try to fill something in their life. You were there, you were well enough, and he had a list he needed to check off. You needed safety, you needed somebody to say it's not, that you're not somehow malfunctioning. Yep. And y'all married, y'all connected. And you were each other's oxygen until the tank ran out. Yeah.

And then you want to be more than just a checkbox on a list. Yeah, definitely. And he wanted you to be a maid slash mom. Right? Yeah, I definitely thought that at certain points. And my guess is, again, there's a thousand different things, so I don't want to like minimize it, but I wouldn't be surprised if your body said, I know this story, I'm out. I know how this goes. I quit. And here's why it's important for you to internalize this. You being squished under depression does not mean you are somehow malfunctioning in your

character. You're not a bad person. Yeah, cause it was like I could only, I would do fine at other people's houses and I could like even help my in-laws clean their house, help my sister in law clean her house. Nicole, none of this is about cleaning, none. Okay.

What this is, that is a distant, that is a distant by-product. What it has to do with is for whatever reason, and this is all going to tie back to your question, what should you expect rebuilding your marriage? Okay. Yeah. It all all your body identified your world your home your partner Something all of it a piece of it as I can't do this. I'm out Yeah, and it's if you think about yourself underneath a I Don't know if this analogy will hold I'm just making it up off top my head But if you struggle with anxiety and you're doing bench press, imagine the bar is so light

that you can lift it a hundred times like a broom handle, right? You're just lifting it and you're trying to lift it as much as you possibly can so you can get as strong as you can because one day someone's going to try to kill you. With depression, somebody loads it up with five times the weight you can lift And you push and you push against it and you can't budget an inch and you just stop Yeah, and it lays on your chest and you can't move it And the only way to get that bar up is to get some of that weight off the bar Yeah, is that making sense? Yeah, here's what I need you to hear me say before I go any further

There's not something wrong with you your body was simply trying to keep you alive You're not a bad wife Okay, you know how long I've been telling myself that I know You told that self when you were a little girl that dad wouldn't talk to you because something's wrong with you Right Yeah, yeah So you and your husband created a world the one that y'all both knew And you were somebody that was going to accomplish all of his tasks.

And he was somebody that was going to finally heal you. And you'll both were like, oh, this isn't how this works. That's a great place to find yourself. If you can come to the table and say, okay, cool. We created this world. Now we can create any world we want. Yeah. Okay.

And I think we're finally there. It's amazing. But you cannot predicate what comes next with look how clean the house is. Because I'm promising you Nicole, I'm promising you. If that's what it takes to bring you all back together, that finish line will move. Yeah. The house will never be clean. It feels like it already has that's right. It will move to well if you lost 20 pounds And then it will move and then it will move to well if you just did this in the bedroom and then it will move to Well, if you just said another button Right. Well, it will always move because you were never the problem. It was this context y'all created, this environment, this world,

where he's trying to find somebody that will do all of the things that he thinks is what it's going to take to make him feel whole. And you cannot feel that for him. He can only be whole from the inside out. And he can't rescue that nine-year-old girl inside your chest, that's your job. Yeah. Fair? Does it make sense what I'm saying? Yes, definitely 100%. So to re-

And I've kind of told him, we've kind of had those discussions and those realizations. Awesome. So rebuilding a marriage, imagine rebuilding a house. You're going to have disagreements on where to put the new bathroom. One of you all is going to lay a tile floor and it's going to look funny. You have to pull the whole floor out.

One of you is going to roof the house and the roof is going to be crooked. You have to pull all the shingles off, all that expense and redo it or maybe hire somebody to come into it. Rebuilding your marriage, expect it to be uncomfortable. Expect it to be like glimpses like you're experiencing right now of, oh gosh, when this thing is singing, it works. It feels right. Now we're both, both of us are in the boat and both of our feet is in the boat

he's not just watching you row while he sits on the shore in a lawn chair with a beer and You're not him in the boat. You're just trying to paddle as fast as you can to be the wife. He wants you to be Right. It's both of you saying hey both of us have to be in here and both of us are gonna row and both of you Have never done that before. Yeah. So it's awkward. It's weird. It's frustrating. It's annoying.

And here's the important part about the marriage, about building a new marriage. You always have to go back to that blueprint, that picture y'all created together about where this thing is headed. Yeah. Because that's what matters. Yeah. And we did. We even, because I watched your show, I was like, okay, I'm ready to rebuild this thing so we're gonna have a talk and we're gonna have, we're gonna sit down and we're gonna talk about what we want and then we're gonna come back to

it in three months and see you. 30 days. If that's changed or not. 30 days? Right now, do it weekly. Okay. Do it weekly. Talk about your money. Talk about your sex life. And commit to each other to not use the word you.

Commit to use the word I. Okay. He's not allowed to say, you need to do, make sure our bet, he can't do that. Yeah. He needs to have the courage to say, when I walk in the door and this house is all cleaned up and I've been working really hard all day and you are like running the house and I'm running this business, I feel so loved. Yeah.

Or I'm struggling with being attracted to you right now. That's exactly. But that's different than, hey, you need to lose 30 pounds. See the difference? Yeah. And when he says I'm struggling with being attracted to you, exhaling and choosing curiosity over judgment, how dare you, you son of a, that's judgment. Curiosity is, that's hard to hear.

Tell me more. Tell me more, right? Yeah. And you, if you're being honest are tired of him hassling you about sex when you can't even brush your teeth. That was not him hassling me, it's me hassling him. Okay.

Fair enough, fair enough. Will you do me a favor? Sure. I want you to go get, you've heard me say, if you listen to the show, I want you to go buy yourself a small little journal for nine bucks at Walmart or Walgreens and commit, this is for your soul, for your marriage, for your husband and for your kids. Okay? The stakes are high on this. I want you to write down for a month or two,

every single story that pops into your mind. Write it down. And then ask your husband if he would honor you by sitting down and helping you challenge those together. Okay. If I don't clean the dishwasher, my husband's gonna leave me. Write that down. You suck at's gonna leave me write that down

You suck at being a mom write that down good moms don't need time away from their kids write that down Okay husbands always always always want to have sex with their wives And if they don't that means he's having an affair or that means I'm unattractive write that down having an affair or that means I'm unattractive. Write that down. Okay. We are always, always going to be changing diapers, bathing kids, dealing with spit up, getting food off the floor, dealing with screaming and crying and bedtimes. We're always going to be, it's not true. You're in a phase. It's winter and you're really cold, but I promise spring is coming. And I hate being cold. I know, right? Everybody does.

It's the worst. So here's your expectations. Curiosity over judgment. How can I love you? Not this year for our whole marriage. How can I love you today? We're looking for little wins, tiny wins. I believe I'm worth an hour in the gym,

an hour of walking around the block. How can we make that happen? Enough space where I get that hour. Okay. You want me to show up in the bedroom for you and you want me to show up here as your wife, I need to have adult friends that I can exhale with. So that way we don't use each other as garbage dumps and I tell you all the bad stuff that happened with the kids, you tell me all the bad stuff that happened

at work and then we just go, and we watched an episode of Dexter and we fall asleep. That's typically what we do. I know it is. Because you're, I mean, because it's, that's the American marriage right now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've been wanting something different for a while too. So amazing.

I think it's cool. And I would be lying if I say there's some psychological benefits to getting rid of clutter. My friend Dawn Madsen, the minimal mom, she's amazing. My buddies Josh and TK over the minimal. Like the stuff they teach and preach is right. They're right. Yeah. I've done a lot of that. A non-cluttered house is good for your soul.

And this isn't about you having a clean house. Yeah. This is about you desperately seeking some signal that you're worth being loved and married to. Yeah, 100%. I haven't felt like that in a while. That's right. That's what he needs to hear if you want to rebuild your marriage. Because he has to come to the table with, how can I love you today?

I just need you to hold me. How can I love you today? I need you to to hold me. How can I love you today? I need you to wash all the bottles. I know you're an attorney and you worked 17 hours today. I need you to wash the bottles. Got it. How can I love you today? Can we just have hotel room sex while the kids are asleep,

just in the bathroom or the hotel? Can we just shut the door and just get after it for five minutes please got it expect there to be starts and stops and fits and backwards and forwards and all that kind of stuff one more thing okay this is just nagging me in the back of my mind and the back of my chest and so i just want to put it on the table okay okay? Okay, yeah.

If y'all haven't already, I want y'all to have a, after the kids are in bed, tell them I'm going to talk about something really big this evening. Okay. And I want you to hold both of his hands. And I want you to say, before we go, the last three months have been such a transformation in our lives.

The last month has been amazing. I need to make sure that all of the secrets are on the table. I kind of did that last night because I had always had this nagging thought in the back of my head. And I was like, I just need to put this to bed. So kind of did a little bit, but not all of it. Have you gone through text messages and cell phones and social media accounts? Oh, it's nothing like that.

He's 100% loyal to me. It's more like an old fling that I was like, I don't know if I fully got the true story for that. Okay. Whatever you need, make sure the secrets are all out. Because if you go forward and you still have shadows, it just makes it hard to see, right? It just makes it hard to see.

But amazing, keep going, keep going. You two can call me anytime. I'll have you both on the show if y'all wanna be on. I'll walk with you as far as y'all wanna have me walk next to you. I'm so proud y'all are rebuilding this thing. Keep that picture in mind and keep this phrase going all the time We are on the same team and both of you are gonna have to say I'm sorry

Both of you are gonna have to say I forgive you both of you are gonna have to say well We got to pull out that bathroom because the tiles on sideways We got to rebuild the bath here we go And we're gonna keep going and going and by the way as soon as you get this whole house built, you're going to have three teenagers. You're going to have to build a new house. And that becomes part of the excitement and fun and novelty and playfulness and work of being married for a long, long time. Amazing, Nicole.

I'm proud of you. Keep seeing that counselor. Keep seeing that counselor. Next up, a woman is forced to reckon with her past and the guilt it brings into the future. Stay with us. All right, it's time for a quick word about delete me. Does anyone else feel like our digital footprints are starting to feel like digital trails leading right back to us? Now, scammers are using phishing attacks. That's phishing with a PH where they try to trick

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All right, Omaha, Nebraska. What's up, Heather? Hello. How we doing? I'm doing okay. You don't sound like it. Omaha, Nebraska. What's up, Heather? Hello. How we doing? I'm doing okay. You don't sound like it. Uh, I, I'm not a very big phone talker, so this is hard.

Okay. Well, thanks for, thanks for reaching out. It's awesome. Yeah. Um, so my, uh, worry is when I was back in 2008, 2009, I had an affair with a married man. And then recently, just last month, he randomly sent me a message asking how I was doing. And it really upset me because I had never told my husband about this person. And I hadn't, I hadn't met my husband when I was having this affair so I didn't cheat and I, I told my husband

about it because I've been carrying the guilt for the last 13 years we've been together and I just, I hate myself for it. How old are you now? 37. So how old were you? 21. 20, 21. And dumb.

I was going to say, did you do anything else dumb when you were 20 or 21? Yeah. Like every 21 year old on planet Earth? Yep. I made bad decisions, that's for sure. Well, you're going to have to get in a long line of 20 and 21 year olds who made bad decisions. Why is this still haunting you at 37 years old? I've just always carried around some guilt about it. Like the horrible thing to do.

Um, I was single at the time. Um, but I just, I didn't want to tell my husband every time we watched like your show and somebody talks about cheating. He's just like, people who cheat are just terrible. And I'm just sitting here thinking like, you're going to think I'm a terrible person because it was terrible and I'm just sitting here thinking like you're gonna think I'm a terrible person because it was a terrible thing I did and it's finally you finally came out and but do you see how you're bouncing tenses and trying to compress time? Yeah.

People who are cheaters are terrible people. One time getting up on two decades ago or a decade and a half ago, I cheated. In fact, I didn't cheat, but I participated in somebody cheating. You see how you're toggling time back and forth to bring your stuff that happened a long time ago into the present? I just don't want my husband to think, to hate me, to think I'm a terrible person or that I would do that to him. What did he say when you talked to him? He was kind of stunned.

He, um, cause at first I asked him, what would, why would a man email somebody who he hasn't seen in 17 years? And he's like, probably knows him good. Right. He's exactly right. And I, then that's this one. I was like, okay, I have to tell you something. And, um, and he does, he's kind of a stoic person.

So I really didn't get much emotion out of him, either mad or sad or anything like that. He was just kind of like, surprised I kept something from him that long. That's what I think you're frustrated with. I don't know. I've always been carrying around this guilt for a long time. What is that? Even before I met him.

Okay, let me ask you this. What is it getting you? Nothing. No, it's giving you something. I don't know what it is, but it's giving you something. Is it a way to remember this affair? Was it pretty wonderful? No, it was not.

Okay. Is it a way to protect you from ever, I'm thinking of like a little kid who dresses up in like old armor, right? Like an almost night costumes, thinking that's gonna protect them from something. Is it your body trying to protect you from ever doing this again?

So it just carries it around and dangles it in front of your face like one of those carrots in front of a donkey on the cartoons just to remind you? It's getting you something. I think it's more like, okay, I'm afraid of that happening to me because I know that, that people falter. Are you worried that your husband has cheated on you? No.

Okay. Again, I, I, yes, I think you played a role in participating in something that was very unhealthy and not good. Fair. Mm-hmm. Correct. I'm wondering if the intensity of the guilt you feel is that if you've had this big secret for all these years that you believed in your heart, am I?

I think you're right. My husband doesn't really know what I'm capable of yeah and every year he did something great every time something happened every time he popped off about man if somebody ever cheated on and that weight got heavier and heavier and heavier yeah cuz if I'm if my wife comes up and says, Hey, I did this thing, it was pretty rough before we met. My immediate frustration would be, you've kept this from you've kept secrets like this

from me for this long. That'd be my first thought, not the thing that happened. The disorienting thing, we'd get to that eventually, but the disorienting thing would be, I thought we knew everything about each other. Thank you. And maybe I'm out to lunch here, but I'm wondering if you sat down and said, hey, I told you this thing, I kind of wanted to get it off my chest and I threw it at you, but I realized it's fair for you to be sitting around wondering what else I haven't told

you for the last 15 years. Yeah, like it all happened in the morning and he said, okay, we'll talk about it after work and then got the kids to bed. And I was like, can we talk about it now? And he's like, sure. he didn't really want to. So we did talk about it again, but he said that he doesn't care and it's, he's not going to think about it and let it bother him. Do you believe him?

I don't know. He's kind of hard to read emotionally. Okay. But he's... Here's the exercise I want you to try. Okay? Okay. Two things.

Number one, I want you to give it a day or two. And then I want you to, when the kids go to bed, say, hey, let's go out to the kitchen table. Not in our bedroom, let's go out to the kitchen table. What? I want to go... Just please do this for me. Okay. And I want you to say, I kept something big from you that I was ashamed of for all of our marriage. And it breaks my heart that I didn't tell you the truth about who I was or not even who I was, but a thing I did that

I'm really ashamed of for all these years. And I also understand that you're going to have questions about what else does she not tell me? So I would like to offer you the opportunity to let it rip. Ask me any question you want to ask, I'm going to answer it right here. Because I want to build trust with you that you know I'm not walking around with these, like you're going to be waiting for another shoe to drop. And if he says I don't have any other questions I'll believe you. Okay. If I was a husband I

wouldn't do that I would have a whole bunch of questions right? But maybe he is. Maybe he's just a stoic guy that trusts you and realizes that was probably hard and maybe moved on. He's probably a more chilled dude than me. The second thing is this is old- school Deloni advice. I want you to go to Lowe's or Home Depot and buy a cinder block. And it's important that you buy it. Don't just get one from the yard, go buy one.

And I want you to duct tape on it. When I was 21, I got with a married man. And I want you just to carry it around. You can carry it around in your hands, you can put it in a backpack and carry it around your house for a while. But I want you just to hold it until it gets so heavy, you just can't carry it anymore.

And then I want you to go out in the backyard and throw it on the ground, tear off the tape, wad that tape up and put it in the trash and tell yourself, I'm not carrying this anymore. I forgive 21 year old me. Period. I forgive you. And when that guilt comes up, I want you to exhale, go, Nope, I forgave her.

Because Heather now in the present would never cheat. I forgive her. She did something dumb. Forget about the work dynamics and the age difference and the hierarchies or whatever happened. I forgive that 20 year old, 21 year old knucklehead. I forgive her. And I'm not giving that guilt a vote at my kitchen table anymore. I've got kids, I got a husband that I love, I'm moving on with my life. But I want you to have some moment that you can you can exhale and say, I set that down. And then what you're going to practice over the next few months, maybe a couple years is when that

thought pops in your head, you remember with one of the nights together you spent with that dude, he pops up on your LinkedIn, you hit delete and block don't reply I forgive her Then go on about your day and that sounds a clip but this is just you practicing living in the present and stop letting the thing that happened 15 years ago haunt every minute of your life and again, my gut tells me that the the the Intensity of the guilt is more around I'm keeping this big

secret from my husband more so than I did something really stupid when I was 20 or 21. Thanks for the call sister. Hey, we'll be right back. All right so we are long past Easter now and just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional well- just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional well-being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, for growing in your faith, and for building a relationship with God. And this is good news. Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice, and any time can be a new starting point. So if you committed to consistent practice of prayer

and gratitude or reflection during Lent, I want to encourage you to keep going. The small daily habits add up to a transformed life. For my daily practice, I personally use Halo, the number one prayer app in the world. It's a great tool to help me stay connected, to help me slow down and to help me be grateful. Whether it's guided meditation, music, or scripture readings, Hallow helps me stay mindful

even when life is gone berserker. So set reminders, carve out time, and keep leaving space for intentional spirituality with Hallow. Plus, when you sign up at Hallow.com slash Doloney, you'll get three months for free. So even if you missed out on Lent, it's still a great time to start. Again, go to hallow h-a-l-l-o-w hallow.com slash deloni for three months for free. All right, Kelly, something cool happened. What's up? All right. This is from John in Thunder Bay. I know that sounds amazing.

That sounds like one of your high school boyfriend's name. Like pulls up in a Camaro, I'm Thunder Bay. And you're like, Oh, no, I'm just going to go ahead and read this now. Your eagle tattoo on your arm goes, Bon Jovi just start spontaneously starts playing. Yeah. Yep. All right. Hey John, I started listening to your show before the holidays. I decided it would be fun to buy questions for humans, Christmas couples and parents and kids. Our two kids, ages nine and five often groan when we do a few questions over dinner.

Today my daughter was at a party and my wife is out of town. So my little guy and I ordered pizza. And when we sat down to eat, he held up the deck and said, Dad, can we do this? I'd like to say thanks to you and to your show for helping me become a little bit more intentional about my interactions with my wife and kids and making me a more open and better communicator. Keep up the good work. Dude, good job Thunder Bay. Thank you so much for reaching out, man. Even though now I've got to have to deal with like a month's worth of Kelly's high school boyfriend stories. Dude, that's awesome I'm proud of you for

stepping up and being that kind of dad that just wants to be a little bit more intentional and man anytime your kids your little kids lean up and say hey dad mom do you want to try this that's amazing that's just amazing watching little kids connect with their parents I love it I love it love it congratulations man everybody else listening be a little. I love it, love it, love it. Congratulations, man. Everybody else listening, be a little bit more intentional. That's all it takes. Love you guys.

Bye.