The Dr. John Delony Show - I’m Stressed Out, Scared and Anxious All the Time

Episode Date: September 2, 2022

On this episode, we talk with a wife drowning under the weight of the family’s financial responsibility, as well as a woman coping with how her relationships have changed after her suicide attempt. Then, John talks about how trauma impacts weight loss. Lyrics of the Day: "Sad But True" - Metallica Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I just, I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I work full-time. My husband works full-time. We have two little kids. I think it's definitely becoming obvious. Like my husband, he's not stupid. He knows something's wrong.

He asks. I sugarcoat it and we kind of move on with the week. What you're doing is being dishonest with him. What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. Of all the trillions of podcasts, the architecture podcasts, how to make your grass really green podcast, you chose the greatest marriage and parenting mental health podcast ever in the history of podcasts. And I've been told I can, what's the thing?

I think it's Mel Robin. Like I'm trying to speak it into existence. So I'm just going to say it over and over. What do you call it? Visioneering. What do you call that thing? When you imagine it, it's like an, it's like a, an imaginary board. What's not the imaginary board.

What's the board called? The dream board or whatever. A vision board. Vision board. What's the thing when you imagine it? Like, if I just think about it, it'll come.

Manifesting. That's it. Manifesting. Yes. Hey, if you want to be on the greatest show ever, the one that we are manifesting, right?

Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. By the way, I did get, just before the show, I got the metrics. Have you seen this? Yeah, it's pretty incredible. I don't know. So many people are watching and listening to this show I can't wrap my head around it anymore Yeah, it's amazing

It's officially not my mom anymore She can't even refresh that quickly So I'm glad that you're with us Make sure that you leave reviews And tell your friends And call your parents And all that kind of stuff Alright, let's go to Lauren in Denver, Colorado What's up, Lauren? Hey, John, thank you for taking my call.

Of course. Thanks for getting up super early on the Western side of America. No worries. So I am in a situation where I feel like every day I feel like very stressed and anxious. And I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I work full-time. My husband works full-time. We have two little kids. It just feels like every week some new negative thing pops up into our life that we have to deal with. I think it's definitely becoming obvious.

My husband, he's not stupid. He knows something's wrong. He asks. I sugarcoat it, and we kind of move on with the week. And, uh, we were gifted an opportunity coming up where we get to have dinner and somebody else is watching our kids for us. And he thought this would be a great time for us to have a conversation of like, what do you want? What do I want? What do we want for the future for our family? And I am just like terrified that he's going to bring it up that I seem anxious and stressed and he wants to know what's wrong.

And I don't know how to communicate that to him. So I was hoping to get your advice on that. Yes. You just described millions and millions of people. And so thank you for having the courage to call. This conversation, I think, can help a lot of people. So thank you so much. So let's take the reality of stress.

Okay. How old are your kids? Three and one. Three and one. So the call, you feeling stressed to the three and a one-year-old, a hundred percent, hear me say completely normal. Okay. And like your whole world's exploded. Somebody threw a grenade in the middle of your house and you have a three and a one-year-old and there's insane financial pressures right now right yes and you live in a really expensive part of the country right yes and you and your husband how long have y'all been married uh almost four years okay and how long did y'all date before that? two or three years I think so you got pregnant pretty quick after you got married

is that right? yes so let's go back to the first few months when it was we can just do whatever we want whenever we want or maybe there's this moment where you've never been able to just do whatever you want, whenever you want, because you got married and then you got pregnant and then it's now the

trains left the station, if you will. All I have to say is this, the stresses you are feeling are very, very real. Who are we? Is this what our marriage is going to look like? We have sex annually now instead of daily, right? Like all these things shift and change. And are you going to go to work all the time? Are you going to get frustrated? Are you going to try to fix it? All those things are real. Okay. So I want to say all the stress is real. When it comes to the anxiety, describe that for me. Tell me about it. So we are on a debt-free journey and we will be consumer debt-free December 1st. The reason I think that I have so much anxiety around that is like, we were married, we have joint income, like joint checking all that. But the bulk of that

income comes from my paycheck. And so my husband, like if he lost his job, it would suck, but we, we would survive our bills. We get paid on time. If I lost my job, that would not be the case. So that part stresses me out and then makes me anxious that like something could happen because I have a very flexible job. I have a work from home job, great employer, my husband does not have that. So if something happens with the kids, like with school starting up, we just found out they won't get a bus. They won't get before school care. There's no afterschool care because of low staffing. So I have to rearrange my schedule at work. And then that makes me anxious that like, I'm not a good employee. And like, what if I lost my job, but I have to do all these things for the

kids because all these services that we were planning on relying on just got taken away. So you sound like a single mom with three kids. Sometimes it feels like that. And I think my husband knows that and he doesn't like that. He's just, he's in the trades and in his industry, it's like fathers don't exist. He took time off. He took a day off when my son had surgery, and he caught so much flack from it. I saw the text he was getting from his boss, and it's horrible. He doesn't get treated well in his job.

He needs to quit that job. Okay. It won't cost y'all any money. He needs to quit that job. And he needs to go be around a culture of tradesmen that will love and honor him as a dad and as a husband and as an employee. And they do exist because I know them personally. Okay. You want to see a room full of teary, big-bellied, sweaty men? Like get a group of tradesmen in a room when one of their buddies is having a baby.

It's one of the coolest things you'll ever see. Or when somebody, when they all show up to the hospital to be with somebody whose wife just passed away. I've been in there too. It's, it's unbelievable the amount of emotion and love in there. So your husband, it's not the industry.

He's got a crappy situation. His boss sucks. Boss is terrible. Okay. He's not on the phone with me. So I'm just going to talk to you, okay? Mm-hmm. What you're doing is being dishonest with him. You're not telling him the truth.

And what happens is when you don't tell him what you need, what you're scared about, what you're anxious about, and you swallow all that and sit on it. He, like you mentioned, he knows y'all are disconnected. And the problem is he thinks it's him. And a part of it might be him. The fact that he doesn't make enough money and that y'all have a lifestyle that's not sustainable

if one of you lost your job, all that kind of stuff. Or that you are having to do all the work you just mentioned, plus laundry, plus keep the kids bathed and do bedtime and all that. But if you don't sit down and say, here's what I need. I need us to reconnect. I need us to figure out what intimacy looks like with a three and a one-year-old. I need you to help me with bedtime. Here's my list of needs. If you don't do that, I think it's dishonest. It's just not fair. Yeah.

Right? What is it about your needs that you feel like cannot be told, cannot be said? Is he going to get mad? Is he going to hit you? Is he going to scream? Why won't you tell him? So he doesn't really get mad. He feels guilty. He has an immense amount of guilt going into the trades. His family was very anti-trades. They looked down on him for it. And I was like the first person to come in his life that was the opposite. I said, I love that you're in the trades.

Like that's huge for our kids to know that they don't have to go to a four-year traditional college. Like I love that. And I feel like if I try to explain to him the stress that I have, it's going to go back to him feeling guilty that he'd never finished college. I love that. And I feel like if I try to explain to him the stress that I have, it's going to go back to him feeling guilty that he'd never finished college, him feeling guilty that he's not bringing home enough money or that he chose a trade that- Look at the world you just created, okay? I'm the first person to tell him that trades are okay, and they're noble, and they're great. And by the way, they are. And he's not making enough money for me to feel safe at home. And he's so busy that he for me to feel safe at home, and he's so busy that he can't help with anything at home.

So you want your kids to see their dad and be like, you can do anything. You don't even have to go to four-year college. And by the way, this is going to create a life that makes it really hard for parents to be connected and safe. Yes, that makes sense. See what I'm saying? So you're cheering a football play that's not working Now, this isn't me bagging on the trades

This is that your husband has picked a company and a group that aren't paying him what he's worth Because the numbers we're getting here on trades are through the roof What does he do? What kind of trade does he actually do? He was a carpenter. Now he's a site supervisor. Okay. He needs to go get another job. Okay.

Like ASAP. And a job that doubles or triples or quadruples his income. And here's the hard, hard thing for you as a wife to hear. You cannot solve and fix his guilt. You can only tell him the truth with dignity and respect.

Okay. Okay? You trying to protect him makes you his mother, not his wife. Yeah, that makes sense. You trying to, and I say this with all due respect, but who wants to sleep with their son?

Who wants to sleep with their mom, right? So it creates a really weird intimacy dynamic when he's looking for you to feel less guilty. And you have to pat him on the head and say, it'll be okay. And then he goes to bed after three beers on the couch. And I'm just making this up. Who knows? He may be a great guy. But then you have to go figure out how to do laundry.

See what I'm saying? Like, it's just none of this is true. And then you have to go figure out how to do laundry. See what I'm saying? It's just none of this is true. And then let me be real honest with you. This ends badly in one of two ways. One of you is going to, over time, seek connection elsewhere, whether it's from alcohol, whether it's from a second drink, whether it's from somebody at work that's really funny and thinks you're funny too, that or what I'm coming to believe is worse is you'll both find yourselves on opposite recliners staring at a big flat screen TV. And that will be your 40s and 50s and 60s. And then you won't have the energy to roll around with your grandkids. And we'll just call it a life after that. Yeah, that kind of feels it a life after that. Yeah.

That kind of feels like where it's headed. Yeah. Right. Right. So let's stop that train for it leaves the station. You got a three and a one-year-old. This is the, and your husband's actually doing the super right thing, which is, all right, we've got a three-year-old, a one-year-old.

We've been married for like two months without being, without being pregnant or with kids. Let's, let's get ahead of this and let's create the marriage that we want. Let's say all the things, how it's going to look. Let's go make that happen. And I think it's less about, hey, honey, you need to go make more money. This is you saying, I see a, is he a hard worker? Yes. Is he good at what he does? Is he a good carpenter? Yes.

Good supervisor? Takes care of his men? He loves his guys? Yes, definitely. Okay. This conversation looks like this. Honey, I see how good you are with the men and women that report to you. I see how good you are coming in your budget. You're a credible teacher. You're a great whatever, carpenter. And where you work,

I'm sick of watching a group of people not value you. I'm asking you as your wife to go find somebody who will value you, both financially and your expertise and your most important calling, which is being a dad and husband. Is that, you see what I'm saying? That's different than, you got to go make more money. Because one of those is like, there goes the shame conversation. The other is, hey, we pick this, I'm all in. They don't value you. And I'm tired of seeing the man that I love not be valued. I think that would help. The one area I'm a little bit concerned on, very early in our marriage, my daughter was three months old and he had the history of job hopping prior to that. He was not great with jobs. He would get mad at a boss and walk off the job site. And when my daughter

was three months old, he did that and it turned into a huge fight. And I accused him of job hopping and he got a new job and hasn't done that since then. So I think it's gonna be a new perspective, him hearing me tell him to go get a new job, but I think he'll be happy. He might, but also he acted like a child. That was a temper tantrum. Yeah. Right, that was a third grader temper tantrum. Again, going back to you, you're a single mom with three kids. And it may even be that he got into the trades, not because he's got this calling to be a carpenter or a plumber, which is a noble, incredible profession, but ain't going to tell me I'm going to college. I'm going to go do this.

You see what I'm saying? Yeah. And so people in his life might have told him, no, dude, you were put on earth to be a surgeon or you were put on earth to be a computer programmer. And yet you ran into a couple of professors that were mean, or you didn't get straight A's, you had to work really hard or whatever the thing is. And he's like, I'm out of here. You quit that just like you quit the job site number one and job site number two. Yeah. And so there is no shame, none, zero of saying, okay, cool. I didn't go finish college. I went and ran the trades and I'm now at the top of what I can do in my area and I make 33, okay, cool. I didn't go finish college. I went and ran the trades and I'm now at the top of what I can do

in my area and I make $33,000, which I don't buy, by the way, but let's just say that's the truth. There's no shame in going back to school. There's no shame in saying, okay, what do we want to do now? Let's just pivot. Let's do something different, right?

You see what I'm saying? And giving him the freedom to do that, but he has to have a job. Right, that makes sense. okay um you cannot allow his well i just feel guilty and set that's not an excuse you got to tell him hey i can't carry this whole house and i'd rather be your wife than your mom is that cool yeah i think that sounds good. Are you going to actually do this or are you going to chicken out?

I think honestly, I think you're going to say none of this stuff. I think you're going to say, no, it's good. I just, I just, I need to get in the gym more. And he'll be like, okay. And then that'll be it. So normally that probably is how the conversation would go. But because we got this opportunity to go to a restaurant and there's obviously drinks involved, I'm sure I'd be more likely to actually tell them the truth. Oh, nothing sounds like romance.

Like, I'll tell them the truth when I've been drinking. Way to go, Lauren. That's love, love, love. It's super not, but you know what I mean. So do me a favor, write this stuff down before you go, because you're going to get nervous and you're going to forget. And he's going to make faces or you're going to see that grimace of guilt or of, I'm so sorry, I should have been, I know I did.

And you need to tell him, hey, let me finish this. I want you to write it all down, okay? And if he's struggling in that conversation, or he hears some things that are hard for him, hey, let me finish this. I want you to write it all down, okay? And if he's struggling in that conversation or he hears some things that are hard for him to hear and he wants to act like a child about it and throw a temper tantrum about it, then I want you to have him call me, okay? I don't think he's going to.

I'm hoping he hears you. I'm hoping you can sit down at the table and say, dude, I'm super excited to build a life that we want. It's going to be different than any of our parents had. We're going to make this up. And not as we go, but we're going to plan and we're going to go get there. And we're going to go make this thing happen.

And it's going to start with you going back to school or you getting a new job where they honor you. I'm going to stop having to do all this work because you're going to be a co-helper in this home. And we're going to get our sexy back. Yeah. And we're going to do it. We're just going to make it happen. All right. And hey, I'm going to send you a copy. I'm sending you two copies

of redefining anxiety, my book on anxiety, and you and your husband can read through it together. And there's got the three points there about connection, about being scared and about autonomy. Like we're in control of what comes next. And y'all can talk through those things as you build this new life. I'm excited to find out how this conversation goes. Get back in touch with me. Let me know how it goes. I can't wait to hear about it. We'll be right back.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks,

I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at Better Help. Better Help is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's

convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist, And you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go to Danielle. Oh, in my arch nemesis town, College Station.

What's up, Danielle? Hey, how's it going? Good. Are you an Aggie? I am not. Danielle. Actually, I love Aggies. They're great too.

I just went to, I was in Lubbock and so, you know how that goes. Yes. How are we doing? I'm doing okay. I'm doing okay. How are you?

I'm fantastic. Rocking on to the break of dawn. What's up, Danielle? How can I help? All right. So in April of last year, I attempted suicide, and I was put in a mental facility for a couple of weeks or so. So the main thing I'm struggling with is I feel like I'm stuck in between two different people, like who I was and who I'm trying to become.

I've got two best friends, one particular that I've had for over 25 years. And ever since this happened, I just feel like no connection. You know, it's like the friendship and everything is stuck in the past. And there's no way to move forward. We barely text, you know, a couple of sentences here and there. One of them is actually the one that found me that day. So I just, I don't know what to do to move forward. And I also feel like I'm pushing them away as well.

I just feel really, really stuck and I don't feel any connection whatsoever. Yeah. Well, I'm glad that you're, let me say this. I'm glad that you're with us. Thank this. I'm glad that you're with us. Thank you. Are you glad that you're with us? Yeah, I am. Most days. Okay, good.

I'll take most days today. But I'm glad that you're with us on all days. College Station needs you. That's what I'm saying. So, as you were describing this just at the very beginning, like I feel like I'm stuck between who I was and who I want to become. The first, like that's so, it's poetically stated.

Like that's such a beautiful way to state that. And right when you said that, the first thing I thought was, this is going to be about the friends of the past and loneliness in the future. Because often who we are is our culture. It's the people we spend time with. It's the things we do, the things we think are funny. And now we're transitioning to here's who I want to become. And then our friends don't always go with us.

And that's hard. So I want to give you some peace and let you know that you're in an exercise program and you are right in the middle of it where you feel good about going to the gym. And these pictures that you put on your fridge, on your manifest board or whatever, you don't quite have giant muscles like that, but you're on the way. And right now you're just tired and it doesn't feel good anymore. It's just boring to get up at 5am and go to the gym every day. That's where you are in terms of this new life, right? And right now you're just tired and it doesn't feel good anymore. It's just boring to get up at 5 a.m. and go to the gym every day.

That's where you are in terms of this new life, right? So where you are is absolutely normal. I know that's both like, oh, good. And that's not good. I don't want it to be normal. Very, very common with friends who are walking alongside somebody who tries to die by suicide. There's trauma involved there, especially like you said, your friend found you. What did she find? How'd you try to take your life? Alcohol and drugs. Okay. So did she find you passed out somewhere? Yeah, basically. Okay. I can tell you,

I've been in that situation where I walk in a place where someone has taken a whole lot of pills and drank a lot to where they're unresponsive. And I did it for a living, right? Go in people's houses and it's scary. A couple of those are lodged into my head forever. And I wasn't best friends with them. Okay. So I tell you that to tell you this, there's just an awkward, like I, she saw some stuff that scared her. And a lot of us don't have tools on how to enter back into relationships there. Yeah. She, she definitely, she's, she's the type that doesn't deal well with this kind of thing at all to begin with. Sure.

Yeah. So here's the question you have to ask yourself. You've got 25 years with this friend. Is this a friend that you value that relationship? Like you would love to see it not come back to the way it was because it will never be the way it was, but it could be so much better, right? So is this a relationship that you have interest in growing into the future? Or are you just coming to terms with it's kind of played itself out?

No, I mean, she's like a sister. My eight-year-old daughter, you know, considers them family. We've always been. She watched my daughter while I was in the hospital. Oh, wow. Because my husband was, you know, just so taken back and could barely keep himself together. She helped out with that. Okay. You may have already done this, but here's what I would do if I was you. This is the best advice I can give you, just what I would do. And go get coffee or go get breakfast or I might save my money and go get a nice meal. And at the meal say, hey, I was ready to not be here anymore.

I was ready for the pain to stop. And you saved my life. And I also, because of me, you saw some really hard things and I'm sorry. I'm so glad you were there to help me and um i love you and i value our friendship um and i've noticed that we're just disconnected i want to invite you back in to my heart and into my life i will never do that again but i also know there's going to be some friendship healing there and um i'd love i'd love to do that with you. Here's what this does. Number one, it lets her know that you know that she saw some hard things.

You scared her, right? Yeah. And she saw some hard things. And she had to see some things and do some things that she never dreamed she was going to have to do. So by you calling that out, it kind of clears the air, right? Like I know that you know that I know that you know, right? And then the second is telling her, I love you. And I know that now things are awkward.

So I'm just addressing the elephant in the room. There's a huge elephant in this room. And then the third thing is I'm willing to build something beautiful with you moving forward if you are. Here's the scary part of that last one. She may say no. Yeah. I had a one-year celebration type thing just for staying sober and everything. But she was the only one that didn't show up.

Yeah. I would not take that personal. Okay? Okay. That wasn't about you. That was about her. Okay? And you know as a part of recovery from addiction is you can control what you can control, which are your thoughts and your actions, and that's it.

Mm-hmm. And I'm going to choose to not take personal what other people do to keep themselves well and to keep themselves safe and so for whatever reason she felt like I won't be okay if I go so I'm going to stay here right

and man what a great friend that you know loves herself is self-aware enough to not come blow your party up in your celebration up with her her the things she's struggling with right that's true pretty cool and you could take that as she loved you so much that she wasn't going to do that for your party but it wouldn't surprise me if she still has pictures of you in her head crashed down on the floor and not responsive and her screaming and her trying to get you to wake up like in the flashing lights all those things i've been there and i've seen it and it's a lot and so it's just honoring that oh yeah she's been through she's been through hell and thank god she did because she saved my life and i'm gonna i'm just gonna

put that out on the table i'm gonna tell my friend miss her. And she might look at you and say, I just can't. I can't get back to where we were. I feel like you violated our friendship. You didn't call me. Like, whatever. And she gets to do that. And my guess is she'll heal over time.

But I think you having that conversation is going to be really important. Okay. I think it'll be a gift to you. It'll be a gift to her because at least you won't be in limbo anymore. Right? You'll know. gift to you. It'll be a gift to her because at least you won't be in limbo anymore. Right. You'll know. Right. Yeah. That's what it feels like. I've talked to her a little bit about it. She just, she doesn't, she can't really talk about it. She just says,

you know, it was hard and then that's it. Like she's just done with the conversation, which I totally get. But I just feel like it's just always there. Like it's just always hovering. And, you know, I don't drink anymore, obviously. And, you know, she does. And I just feel like are we ever going to reach that point where we can be friends and not have this past, but only see like the future and not, you know, feel like, man, if we were drinking, this would be so much easier. Right. Well, let's call it out. It would be so hard. If y'all both had a few drinks, y'all could get to the core issue real fast. Right. And we, everybody knows that

that's the importance of going back to what everybody knows that. That's the importance of, going back to what I told earlier, that's the importance of you setting this on the table first. Right. And when you, not you, but when we enter into hard conversations and we ask the other person like, you know, why don't you tell me you're not talking to me? We're making it all on them. And so there's something about you sitting down and saying hey you saw me sprawled out on the floor and i can only imagine that those ambulance lights are burned into your brain and you picking me up and me just being limp there and you wondering if i was dead and you trying to find the phone like put a couple of details out there yeah and let her know that you know that what she experienced was really hard.

And let her know that you love her. Right. And it may just be time to take a break and you'll grieve that and you'll mourn it, but also you'll also be grateful for the 25 years y'all had together. Right. And by the way, let's take the suicide attempt off the table.

Very, very common when somebody goes through recovery and gets sober, that they lose their friends. Because there's a lot of us that can't, not a lot of us, but a lot of folks who cannot manage social situations without alcohol. Yeah. And they don't know what to do. I feel that. Your sobriety is a challenge to the way they have to get through their day,

they feel like. Yeah. But do you see how that's their issue, not yours? Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

I know it's easier said than felt, right? I can say it all like, yeah, yeah, it's your problem, but it hurts. Tell me about this little baby say it all. Yeah, it's your problem, but it hurts. Tell me about this little baby girl of yours.

She's, she'll be nine years old this year. Yeah. You know, she's the light of my life. Of course. She's beautiful.

Oh, yeah. Definitely. And my husband, you know, those two are the reason I get up every day for sure. Okay, I'm going to tell you a few things, and I want you to hear me really, really carefully, okay? Mm-hmm. You are the reason they get up every day. Yeah. And that means you're worth being loved, and you are loved by two of your favorite

people in the world. The one person that's struggling to love Danielle right now is Danielle. Yeah. Okay. So here's what I want you to do. I want you to get a brick and I want you to put a piece of masking tape or duct tape on it and write the first six years just write the first six years on it and I want you to carry it around for a little bit because here's my guess tell me if I'm wrong

that now that you're sober you celebrated a year recovery April was a year. I mean, and honestly, I count it, but I don't count it because I'm on medication too. Oh, sister, count it. Count it.

I'm counting it. You don't have to count it. I'm counting it. Medication doesn't count, goofball. Yes, count it. Good grief. Count it. But I want you to carry a brick that says the first six years,

because my guess is now that you're sober, you look back at the first six, seven years of that little girl's life, and you beat yourself up mercilessly. Stop. Yep. Stop. Okay? I want you to carry that brick around for about 20 or 30 minutes.

And then I want you to go set it somewhere in the corner of your backyard and never pick it up again. Okay. Because the greatest gift you can give your, there's not, there's a period at the end of that sentence. It happened. What that little nine-year-old ray of light is looking for is mama. And she sees her every morning. Right? Right. Yeah. And she's saying, hey, mom, let's go forward. Let's go this way.

Same with husband too. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah, for sure. You like that guy too? Oh, yeah. I love him more than anything, yeah. Does he have a mustache?

He's got a beard. Okay, that's fantastic. I support that. I don't know about these mustache guys that are coming back. Yeah. Yeah, no. Yeah, no. It's going to be a season getting a new community okay and

it's gonna be super important for you to continue to remind yourself that other people's decision to not join you in an event in a thing that's their choice not yours okay that's their challenge is not yours okay they get to make that choice and it's not a reflection of you it's a reflection of them and that's their challenge is not yours they get to make that choice

and it's not a reflection of you it's a reflection of them and that's okay okay like of all the brave people I talk to on a regular basis on this show you're at the very tip top because what you've done

is real real hard yeah and you've got strength real, real hard. Yeah. And you've got strength that very, very few people have, and I want you to know it's an honor to talk to you. Thank you. Okay. With all of your old friends,

you know there's some that I need to be done with. I don't need to be in a relationship with them. And when you get lonely, it's easy to call them back, right? So we're staying away from them. Are you still seeing a counselor? I guess you're staying away from them. Are you still seeing a counselor? I guess you're still taking meds. Are you still seeing somebody? I'm still on meds.

I have a counselor, but I haven't seen her since probably February or January. Okay. So I kind of stopped going. Yeah, let's reach back out. Here's what y'all are going to practice. You're going to practice making new friends because that's hard and it's miserable and it's terrible yeah i don't want to do that i know but you have to you have to and i think you do want to you don't want to get rejected you want to go through

all the awkward and weird and one day you're gonna have to explain, yeah, I am in rehab, whatever. It's where it. Do I have to do that though? I think that's what I'm afraid of with meeting people. Like, do I need to tell them my past? I feel like I do, but I mean, not like, hi, my name is Danielle. I used to be an addict. No, no. Yeah. but I don't know.

I just feel like this is such a huge part of me. Like, I want it to go away, but at the same time, I don't because it reminds me, you know? And I don't know if that's the right way to feel about it or not. You're wearing this as an identity. You're wearing your shame as an identity. I am. I feel like it identifies who I am. It doesn't.

What identifies you as who you are is the joy you bring into a room and the hugs you give that little nine-year-old girl and that scruffy bearded husband of yours when he digs his face into your neck and you go into whatever church there in College Station and just putting your head down and holding your hands up

and saying, this is bigger than me and going for a walk there in Texas when it's a billion degrees and saying, oh yeah, right?

You see what I'm saying? Like that's your identity. You are not the worst thing you've ever done. You're not ever stopped feeling like it is hard. But when you stop calling yourself that, no, it's not going to magically just quit. You've got to stop talking to yourself that way.

And then you've got to live into a new identity. Right? Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. So here's how it works. It's not, I'm a former addict who almost died by suicide because I needed the pain to stop. I needed to stop. I needed to stop.

That's you saying, this is who I am. Or, dude, I'm a mama who loves her kids and loves her husband. And the best way I can love my kid and my husband is by loving myself and making sure I take care.

I'm a person who takes care of my body. I'm a person who takes care of my head, my mind. I'm a person who has lots and lots of friends. The person who's got this cloud, it's like you're looking up and you see dark clouds. Yeah, constantly. But you don't

realize that when everyone's looking at you, they just see a tiny little cloud over your tiny little head and it's raining just on you. Because the sun's out everywhere. And when you choose a new identity's out everywhere. Well, yeah. And when you choose a new identity, which is, no, there's sunshine out here.

Hard stuff, man. Hard stuff. And you're still figuring out your brain chemistry and working through all those things. I'm proud of you for still taking your meds. Keep doing that. Oh, yeah. I wouldn't make it without a miracle.

Hey, don't apologize for that. Like, that's not a step down. You're not a lesser person. You're not somehow weaker because of that. They'll tell you that crap on Instagram, but you're not.

There's a billion people who have heart transplants that have to take anti-rejection medication for the rest of their lives. It keeps them alive. And it gives their kids a dad. Yeah, that's true. And it gives their kids a dad. Yeah, that's true.

And it gives their moms, right? I mean, it gives them somebody to cheer for them at graduation because mom's still around. Take your minutes with a smile on your face. You live in a sliver of history where they've created some paths forward for us that are pretty amazing. Right?

Right. It's awesome. Congratulations. And my guess is over time, depending on what, what, what, um, psychiatric challenges you're, you're wrestling with a new community, a community of people who love you, that you can be fully yourself and lean into your new identities, dealing with some of the traumas from your past and creating new memories for you and your husband and your kid and new ways of being that your body will begin to heal much quicker than you think. Okay.

Is that cool? All right. So stay on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future. It's, I want you to read it and I want you to let me know what you think about it. Okay. In fact, I'm going to send you two. I want you to, Change Your Future. I want you to read it, and I want you to let me know what you think about it, okay? In fact, I'm going to send you two. I want you to read them with your husband. Oh, you got it?

I have it, and I haven't been able to finish it. I read about halfway through, and I had to stop. There you go. You know what the back half is, right? It's what do you do next. Yeah. It's time. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you're right. Is it cool? Mm-hmm. Will. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Is it cool? Mm-hmm. Will your husband read it with you? Oh, yeah. If I ask him, he will. Okay. Let's do this.

I'm going to send you another one, and I want you all to read it together. And you can start over at the beginning and just make a breakfast date. Once a week or once a month, you're going to talk about the latest chapter you just read. Okay. And some of it you all will disagree with. Like's not true that's fine but when you get to the um hey this happened this happened to me and here's the other story um struggling with addiction you were you went through some stuff when you were younger, didn't you? Oh yeah. Yeah. I've completely stopped thinking, and this has been several years. I completely stopped thinking when someone tells me that

they're in recovery is like, I can't believe you did drugs. You know, my thoughts are, wow, what happened? That was, I can only imagine what happened that was so ugly and so hard that this was the best, I mean, this was the best path forward to you just so you could get up every day. Right? Yeah. Yeah.

So those things happened and we're going to feel them and we're going to own them. They happened, they happened, they happened. And then we're going to ask ourselves the scariest question any of us can ever ask, which is, what do we do now? Right.

Right? Mm-hmm. And the cool part is that what do you do now is pretty simple. And the not cool part is, man, it's really hard. It's really hard. Yeah. Right? Yeah.

Yeah. Right. I'm so, so proud of you. Thank you. And I don't lie on this show. I lie a, so proud of you. Thank you. And I don't lie on the show. I lie a lot in my personal life. Just kidding. I don't really.

But I don't lie on the show. I'm proud of you. What you're doing is really strong. And my hope is next time we talk, you're going to say, I'm the reason I get up every morning. Because I love me. And I love being on the wake-up roll. And I love the sunshine outside and it doesn't ever rain

in Texas but one day it might and you can love the rain when it happens and you're going to love your husband and you're going to love that beautiful daughter

of yours too. Yeah. Right? Yep. Right. Yeah. You're in it for the long haul?

I am. Yeah. Definitely. You're never going to hurt yourself again? No. Say it with confidence. No, I'm not. Good.

If you're in it for the long haul, I am too. I'll walk with you any way you need over the next however long until they cancel the show, okay? Proud of you. Holler at me if I can ever help with anything or walk through anything. Have your husband give me a shout if he ever wants to, okay? Proud of you. Holler at me if I can ever help with anything or walk through anything. Have your husband give me a shout

if he ever wants to, okay? Proud of you. Proud of the, man, your husband sounds great. It's just amazing. It's amazing. Glad that you're with us. You, my sister Danielle from College Station, Texas, are not a burden.

All of our lives are better because you're still here. We'll be right back All right, we're back hey I get this i've been getting this question a lot on the Internets on social media And a couple of studies have come out recently. So I thought it's an important thing to address um The question here's an email from sarah and it just says, can trauma cause weight gain? And how do you work through enough trauma that your body responds well to things you're trying

to do to lose weight? So let me take a stab at answering this. I want to think of trauma as your body telling itself a story in the present based on things that happened to it in the past. Okay. So what does that mean? That means you were taking a left turn coming over a hill and somebody T-boned you in their truck because they were flying down the road, weren't paying attention. And somebody in your family passed away and you were in the hospital for a while. Now, 20 years later, every time you stop in an intersection to take a left turn, you feel yourself getting antsy. You grab the wheel a little bit tighter. Your heart starts beating faster. That's your body remembering in the present something that happened to you a long time ago.

And since our brains are prediction machines and threat scanning machines, and I hate calling them machines, but just go with me here. Since that's what your brain's doing all the time, it remembers. It put a pin in that. Hey, when you're about to make a left turn, that's when somebody gets hurt. So when you're about to make a left turn, all of a sudden, man, your heart starts beating fast. You feel a little bit alive.

Your body fills up with stress and cortisol adrenaline. That's what it's doing. Or more insidiously, you had a feeling that I don't want to be around that uncle. I don't want to be around that guy at my church. I don't want to be around that guy, that teacher. That guy makes me feel uncomfortable. And their parents said, oh, that's just uncle so-and-so. Go give him a hug. Go sit on his lap. Or that's just Sunday school teacher, Bill. Go. He's. Oh, gosh, my kid. She's just shy. And that person sexually abuses you.

And whether it's a particular smell or a particular lighting arrangement or a particular way of talking or way of standing, whatever it is, your brain now is on the lookout because certain relationships will get you hurt. So let's have none of them Okay That's trauma, right? That's that's a thing that happened that now our body is trying to take care of us into the future All right, so whenever our body Hits the trauma button. Hey, look, we got to protect ourselves, right? It goes into fight or flight or goes into freeze and it floods your body with response chemicals to fight a bear or to run from a bear or to hide from a bear, right? Not to have to go to work every day where they make fun of you and they are merciless against you. Or not to have to be in a relationship where someone's

taking advantage of you again, because it happened before and happened before that and happened before that. And that's the relationship that part of your body knows. And also the other part of your body knows this relationship isn't safe, right? So we play these things out over and over and over again. A couple of things at play here. There are some studies that have come out that suggest that say that women who are obese are more likely to, a significant number of them, let me say it carefully, have experienced sexual trauma. And some people pontificate, they suggest that it might be somebody unconsciously trying to make themselves less presentable so that people won't find them desirable, people won't

try to sexually abuse them. Other scholars suggest that it's a way of hiding within yourself. Kind of like when a kid puts their hair down in front of their face. My daughter does this. She'll hide behind her own hair in the living room, right? Or I used to wear big, giant baggy clothes because I was a skinny kid and I wanted to look bigger and tougher. It's a way to hide inside of yourself, okay? What I know is this. I don't know the ins and outs of the science. I do know this. Trauma, when that kicks up for the fight or flight,

sometimes our bodies want to go grab cheap calories because we're going to be running and fighting things. And so we're going to grab the nearest food. And right now we have an abundance of cheap calories that we're just going to grab and grab and eat and eat and eat. So that's number one. Yes. So it's not so much the trauma is causing obesity, but it's trauma kicks off some behaviors in our lives that then cause obesity.

Right? See what I'm saying? Paul Conti's work, the brilliant, he wrote a great book called Trauma. He's a psychiatrist. I think he's in New York or in California, I'm pretty sure New York. Great book, but he's told numerous stories as a psychiatrist that when he's treating somebody, he's treating somebody, he's treating somebody as a medical doctor and as a psychiatrist, they deal with their trauma and boom, they lose 60 pounds.

They lose 30 pounds. Their body releases that weight that it's been using to protect itself or maybe eating pattern shift, or maybe people can finally sleep and that less, that the de-elevated, the de-escalated cortisol in the bloodstream, like whatever it happens to be, right? We can go down the nerd thing, but we don't do that. Here's what I want you to know. When it comes to how do you work through enough trauma that your body responds well to things you're trying to do to lose weight? A couple of thoughts there. Number one, here's how you quote unquote heal from trauma. Trauma healing is not that you forget what happened. You're not ever going to forget what happened. It's that you can remember it in the present and your body doesn't take off on you.

You remember the wreck when your husband died. You remember when your granddad dropped with a heart attack and you and your dad tried to do CPR and he ended up dying. And you remember how hard your dad was crying. And you still get sad, but you can go about your day. That's healing from trauma. I can think about it. I can imagine it, but I don't re-experience it, okay?

So when someone asks me, how do I heal from trauma? I keep thinking about it. Of course you're gonna think about it. Is your body taking off on you, right? Is your body trying to protect you still? Then you haven't fully healed from it. So that's number one. Let's heal with the trauma in a way that I can talk about it. This happened and it's super annoying and it still pisses me off, but I don't lose control of my body.

And number two, ultimately losing weight for most folks, losing weight is dealing with the psychology of it all and dealing with the psychology so I can make different behavioral choices. I can eat differently. I can change my food environment. I can make different choices. And there's plenty of research about when you get tired, you make bad diet choices. When you get stressed, you make bad diet choices.

These studies linking trauma to obesity, right? So it's about the environment because ultimately it's about what I'm putting in my mouth, what I'm eating or not eating. And so anybody who's had trauma, go deal with that. If you're struggling with losing weight and you think it's connected in some way, have that conversation with your mental health professional.

Also have that conversation with your nutritionist or the person that you're getting your workout from. When we were in California recently, and I think the interview will be coming out with the Mind Pump guys, I had some hard conversations about my history with disordered eating and struggles I have with body dysmorphia

and the bar always moving on me and all this kind of stuff. And they taught me some really important things that I've come home the last month and already implemented, right? And that interview will be dropping here in a few weeks, I think. All I have to say is this,

heal from your trauma, be highly intentional. If you are somebody who struggles with obesity, meet with your doctor, meet with a mental health professional and get on a plan. And then feel less, think less, follow the plan, follow the plan, follow the plan.

Hope that helps, Sarah. Thank you so, so much. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, hey, Kelly, curveball. My son and I were at a UCD shop the other day,

buying UCDs because it's the 1400s. Put in my CD player in my truck. And guess what I found in there? The Metallica Black Album. Oh, there we go. Dude, that record is so good. Start to finish. It's incredible. But shout out to danielle from college station earlier in the show man one of my favorite songs on that record is

personified addiction talking to the person that it owns in the song called sad but true and so i'm gonna wrap up the the song that today's show with sad but true one of my favorite songs off the metallica black album it goes like this hey i'm your life and i'm the one who takes you there i'm your life and i'm the one who cares they they betray i'm your only true friend now i'm forever there in your dream make. In your eyes, when you have to steal. In your pain, when you can't feel. Sad, but true. You, you're my mask, you're my cover, you're my shelter. You're the one who's blamed.

Do my work, do my dirty work, scapegoat. Do my deeds, for you're the one who's shamed. I'm your dream, I'm your eyes, I'm your pain. What a great picture of how addiction gets inside of us and takes over everything. Leave it to James and Lars to speak from the heart. We'll see you soon.