The Dr. John Delony Show - I'm Struggling to Actually Like My Kids

Episode Date: April 25, 2022

In today’s show, we hear from a man engaged to a married woman who just learned she’s also cheating on him (yeah, it’s a lot), a mom struggling to like her defiant child, and a wife ready to leave her husband who’s gambled away $100,000 in five years. I had kids with a married woman & now she’s cheating on me I’m struggling to actually like my kids; they seem to bring out the worst in me My husband is addicted to gambling and I’m ready to leave him Lyrics of the Day: "The Age of Worry" - John Mayer Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. My family has fallen apart and my life has pretty much blown up here in the last couple of weeks. And I'm trying to get some guidance on where to go from here. I street everything up and I don't know what to do. But before you do anything else, before you go down the rabbit hole, what do I do? You have to sit in it for a second and grieve. What up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

And hey, I was just doing an interview and somebody told me like, dude, you yell all the time. And I was like, no, I don't. And I was like, oh my gosh, I do. So for everybody, I don't know. I'm a quiet guy. Am I a quiet guy? You have this voice you go into when you're talking real serious,

where you're like really, really quiet, and then you'll just yell. So it's very dynamic. Dynamic. That was a nice way of saying I love you and you're a lot. Thank you for that, James. We should get married. So for everybody else, I'm going to redo the show like this. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Dr. John Deloney Show, I'm going to redo the show like this. Hey, everybody.

Welcome to the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm glad that you're here. And for those of you who I'm a lot for, I hope this is a better intro for you. For the rest of you, you can go ahead and put it back on 1X because I'll go back to speaking too fast. Somebody sent me a case of energy drinks today, and I never tried them, but I did today. I was like, I just wanna see what happens. And so this may be the quickest show of all time. Let's go to Michael in Portland, Oregon.

What's up, Michael? Hi, John. Thank you so much for taking my call. It's an honor to speak with you. It's an honor to talk to you, my brother. What's up? My family has fallen apart and my life has pretty much blown up here in the last couple of weeks.

And I'm trying to get some guidance on where to go from here. Yeah, let me know what's up. I'm so sorry. What's going on? So seven years ago, I met this lady at work and we became really good friends for about two years. And she was married to a man she had been with since she was a teenager that she had a kid with. And they were in a really unhappy marriage. And against my better judgment, I pursued her and started to date her. And three months after we started dating, we got engaged. I went head over heels. I borrowed $15,000 from my mother to put a down payment on a house. I moved Jessica and her son in with me and we all lived as a family. And for the first like

two years, things were pretty good. Quick pause. Quick pause. Quick pause. And she was still married with a kid? Yep. Okay. All right. Continue.

So we got pregnant and had a miscarriage. We got pregnant, had another miscarriage. We did that four times. Fifth try, we finally had our son about a year and a half, two years ago. And then a few months later, got pregnant again and had a daughter. So now we have three kids, and we're all living in the house. For the last year and a half or so, Jessica and I have kind of grown apart. There's been like a disconnection in our relationship.

And originally when I called your show, I was going to ask how to reconnect with her. But in the pit of my stomach, I always had a feeling that something was going on. And I found out that she cheated on me with somebody that she was working with and it destroyed me. And, um, we had a blowout of course about that and stuff. And we've decided that we're going to go to counseling and try to make things work, but she's going to move out and get her own place. Um, and since we've had that blowout, she barely spends any nights at home. The disconnection is a hundred times greater than it was before. And I'm just falling apart, John. And I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do. I screwed everything up and I don't know what to do. So number one, thanks for calling. And you're right. This is a mess. Okay. It's a big mess. I've listened to every episode of your show

and I've never heard somebody with a mess this bad. And I don't know how I went down this road so far. You found somebody who would love you. And connection makes us do dumb things. And it gets us in over our head. And so does fantasy and a picture of this could work and we can figure this out. And someone that looks at us and says, I love you.

It changes us, right? It does. Yeah, it does. And so if you've listened to, so let me clarify a couple of things. One,

there's been several episodes that have never aired and probably never will. Either I didn't do a good job or some of the conversations were really heavy and just weren't appropriate for the show. And so you're not – your situation isn't the craziest, okay? When you're outlining it for me, when you watch this, my eyebrows were touching my hairline, okay? I was like, oh, oh, oh, let's have another – oh, we'll have another kid. So yes, you've done a doozy, right? Let's make no mistake about it.

I wish I could have impressed you in a better way, John. No, it's all good, man. It's all good. If you were here, I'd still buy you a beer and some nachos, man. We'd hang out. So here's the thing. I'm going to be super honest with you, and I know this is a heavy season of your life, okay? Okay, I really appreciate that.

This is completely full stop over. She's moved on. She's done it before. And she's done it to probably her husband or her person who's still her husband. There's probably somebody in between you two. And then there was you. And now the same script has played itself out again. And it's heartbreaking and is is grief and it is shame.

It is all those things. But before you do anything else, before you go down the rabbit hole, what do I do? You have to sit in it for a second and grieve. You got in over your head with somebody who told you something and they weren't honest with you and they never fully went all in on you. And for some reason, there's some story in your life that told you, if I just do the next right thing, then somebody will love me and then the next person will love me. And you've been

trying to do the next right thing for a long, long time. For my whole life and it's never worked out. Because that's not the problem. You're trying to fix an internal hole with an external external plug and that's not how it works and so before any of the healing happens before any of the what the crap do i do now happens there's a sit in it and grieve this sucks and this hurts and now we got two kids that we brought into this and we have a third kid that's about to have their life blown up again. And I participated in this. And, hey, like just talking to you for a couple of minutes, you've known all along this wasn't right.

And I'm not talking about like any sort of like morality. Like I was somebody else's wife. You know what I mean? Like you've known something's there. What kept you going? You're right, though. You're right. But it's haunted you, but the love is,

this picture around love that you've been chasing for a long time, it kept you like, I'll just go one more step and one more step, one more step. Tell me about that journey, man, because this didn't happen overnight. What do you mean exactly?

Like, how do you get from, man, this person at work is really she's super good looking she's funny she laughs at my jokes she does that when i walk in she puts her hand on my part of my arm and nobody touches me nobody's touched me in a long time and it's not sexual but i like it right she does all these things and i know there's this big thing like oh yeah she has a husband and a family but she says it's on the rocks. And I know that's probably not true, but I can't, like, I'm just going to go down this road. Like all of a sudden you wake up and you got two kids. Like what, tell me about that journey, man. What happened?

I don't know. Everything just seemed to happen so fast, you know? And I just, I knew it was wrong going in, but I just, it felt so perfect. It felt so like, it just, I felt like she was my soulmate. I just, I was convinced I was just, I think the problem, part of the problem was, is I was single for like 10 years before she came along. I didn't date anybody for like 10 years. I had other rough relationships that didn't end well. And I've been alone for a long time. And I think this, like you said, having somebody give me that kind of attention that I hadn't had in so long, maybe I misconstrued what I thought was love wasn't really love. I don't think that as much as, you know, if I spent a few hours with her, she probably didn't

love who she had become in her other relationship. And you made her feel alive. You made her feel funny. You smiled at her in a different way, whatever it was. And I wouldn't say that she didn't love you. I think that would be a false mischaracterization. That would be me being mean. I don't think that. I don't think you're crazy.

I think you were so enamored by the fantasy of the family, and she's beautiful, and she chose you after all these years of being lonely that you were willing to sacrifice your values. You were willing to sacrifice. You knew it was going to end in ash. I mean, we know that. And it just sits in the back of our head and gnaws slowly at us. And for most of us, when we are in situations like that, we know it's going to end poorly. We try to outrun that clawing, that fire that's burning through the back of our brains,

and it causes us to suffocate the thing that we're trying to protect, right? It causes us to hold a little too tight, and we get a little too crazy about it. We get a little too intense, and then that person's, they're on to the next, right? Yeah, yeah. That's exactly what happened too. So here we find ourself. And here, imagine like you and I are sitting on a curve, man, and I'm lighting your cigarette with you

and the neighborhood behind us is on fire, right? So I'm sitting here with you. Here we find ourself. Step one is to sit down and grieve this. It just sucks. It hurts. You've been lonely for a long time, and now you're staring at it again.

And now I've got these kids that are in the house like all the time, and like it's hard to like, it's hard to be a good dad because I'm just so upset that I've let them down. Yeah. You know? Yeah, I get that.

They don't deserve it. It's not their fault. It's my fault. And I just like, I don't know how to get past that. I just keep beating myself up because I've wrecked them too. I feel like I've wrecked them too. And I know I haven't.

They're two in one, but still I have to a point because they're not going to have that fantasy. Yeah. And so you got to put a period at the end of that fantasy. And then you have to ask the scariest, hardest question that any of us have to ask. And you're not the only one, brother. You have to get in a long line for this question. What am I have to ask the scariest, hardest question that any of us have to ask. And you're not the only one, brother. You have to get in a long line for this question. What am I going to do next? I have no idea. I'm telling you right now, you have an opportunity to stand up and be the greatest father these two little ones could have ever known. And their mom has chosen to step out. Great. I'm not going to talk bad about mom.

Mom's going to go do her own thing. And we were never married in the first place. And so I'm going to have to get attorney and figure out custody stuff. And I'm going to fight like hell for my two little kids. And I'm going to work real hard to make this a stable home and to make sure we've got stable care. And I'm going to go about my life raising these two little ones because I love them. And for the first time in my life,

I'm going to go talk to somebody because I've been- I have an appointment scheduled on Thursday. Atta boy, man. That's you. That's you. You've helped me so much. I didn't do anything, dude.

I run my mouth on a podcast. You're the one that looked at those two little kids and said, enough's enough's enough. I got to be different. I got to heal so I can do this thing differently. I really want to be a good dad, John. That's all I've ever wanted. My dad walked out on us and I never had a dad. And all I told myself my whole life was like, if I ever have kids, I'm never going to do what my dad did. I'm going to be there all the time for everything. And I am now, and she's gone all the time. She's gone for nights at a time and she doesn't spend the

time with them like she should. I'm never going to be like that. I'm always going to be there. I'll ask you that. I want you to state it boldly. Are you ever going to walk out on these kids? Absolutely not. Then listen to me, listen to me. You are the man who stops the forest fire of trauma raging through your family because of what your dad did. It stops with you. Is this how we would have drawn it up that you had two kids with a married woman? No, that's not how we drew it up. But here's where we are.

So tomorrow starts today. I will not leave, period. Is it gonna be tough on these kids because their mom's gonna be in and out of their life? Yep, I will not leave. I will be here and I will get down on all the fours and I will learn to laugh. And I don't know how to mix formula. I'm going to figure it out. I don't know how,

how many diapers a day I'm going to figure it out. It's about 15, John. God, they're like machines, man. They keep coming and coming and coming. Now, if you were, and I had been friends for 20 or 30 years and you were over at my house telling me this, you know, I'd be like making fun of you. I'd be all over you. I'm not doing that to you. I'm sitting with you right now. Okay. Cause this sucks. And you know, and me beating you up is there's no reason for that. You're in it now where I'm going to stay on you is this. You cannot move forward chasing anymore. You got to stop and own what happened. You got to own the stories. You got to own the fact that your dad left you and you've

been chasing for somebody to love. You've been trying to solve what is wrong with me for a long time. Is it possible that maybe there's not something wrong with me? There's a hundred percent not something wrong with you. You've done stupid things. There's nothing wrong with you. Your dad left because something was wrong with him. Not you. And my fiance's leaving because there's something wrong with her? She's searching for something, brother,

that has nothing to do with you. Okay. She's trying to feel alive and she has put alive, she has chosen that as a feeling. She's chosen that as a destination, as in a person. And the moment that she doesn't feel alive,

she has chosen to not do things in her life and her relationships that keep her alive and allow other people to help keep her alive, she goes to the next. And you know what? She's gonna find somebody else that's gonna be a shiny new toy and then she's, she goes to the next. And you know what? She's going to find somebody else that's going to be a shiny new toy, and then she's going to be on to the next after that. What do I do right now?

Because she's still living in the house with me, and I have to face this every day. Should I be trying to push her out of the house? One of my friends said, change the locks and put her crap outside. I'm like, I'm not doing that to the mother of my children. At the end of the day, she's always the mother of my children. I'm never going to treat her like that. I don't know what she does. My friend Dave gave me this quote and I like it. And it's not technically your situation, but it's close enough. The moment somebody files for divorce, it becomes a business transaction with a period at the end.

And I treat all of my business partners with respect. I tip well, I pay on time, I take care of people. And if I screw something up, I say, I'm sorry. So that's not a recipe to be a jerk or to be an idiot or to be disrespectful, but it's a transaction now. And business transactions start with hard conversations. And so next up, first thing you're gonna do

is you're gonna call an attorney and you're to let them know what happened. And that's going to be expensive. And that's just the season you're in. Okay. The second thing you're going to do is you're going to tell your wife, hey, I mean, your girlfriend, we need to have a conversation about the future. And you tell her, I know this is over now. Let's call it. I would like full custody of these two kids, if that's what you want. And I would like full custody of these two kids, if that's what you want. And I would like full custody of these kids. I'm willing to take on the burden of this stuff. I will sign it away.

Or if you will sign the pieces of paper, I've already went and met with a lawyer. And I will not be in a relationship where you're dating, where you're married to one, living with me and dating a third. I draw the line there. And it's time for me to have some relational boundaries because I'm modeling what love looks like to a two-year-old

and a one-year-old. I'm modeling what love and wellness and wholeness and relationship look like to a two-year-old and a one-year-old. And this isn't the model I'm going to give them. Okay. And by the way, you, Michael, are worth more than this Doesn't feel like it sometimes, you know I know, I know But you are Okay Do you believe me?

No That's fine, I don't lie You can I exaggerate the size of the fish I catch usually. That's for real. But I don't lie. And you're worth more than this. Okay.

And if you will put the work in and heal, you'll find somebody who loves you. And those two little knuckleheads. All of you. Even the weird, gnarly parts. Even the wonky parts. Even the parts where she's like, wait, what? You had two, what?

And you're like, I know, I know, I know. I'm as wonky as they come. Hey, brother, trust me. People invite me into their closets for a living. It's what I do. We're all wonky. But you're worth being well, my brother. I'm so proud of you for making the call.

Moving forward, it's about three things. Number one, you protect those kids. Come hell or high water, you protect those kids. Number two, you reach out and you start the healing process, period. Number three, you start learning in short, I mean, you're runway for real short for this, you got to develop new boundaries now. Here's what I will tolerate. Here's what I will not

tolerate. And when your girlfriend kicks and screams and yells and oh my gosh, I can't believe you're judging me after all that. I was wrong. And I'm doing things differently now. starting now. And the fourth and final thing is you got to get a couple of buddies in your area that are going to walk alongside you that will show up at 2 a.m. when you're pulling your hair out because you don't know how to stop a two-year-old and a one-year-old from crying at the same time. Somebody that will come over and help you babysit, somebody that will bring chips and queso over and help rock one kid while you're changing the other. You need a couple of guys, men and women, I don't care, who will show up and be there for you because you're going to need other people

in this season of your life. Okay. Thank you for being brave. Thank you for calling. Tomorrow starts right now. You're worth it, brother. Make the call. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new home buyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their home buyer edge program will help you skip

a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash D'Loney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we're back. Let's go to Lainey in Sacramento.

What's up, Lainey? Hey, Dr. John, how you doing? Partying, dude. What are you up to? I'm at home with two sick kids. So we're partying over here too, man. Dude, does your house smell like saltine crackers and the price is right and Sprite? Dude, all my windows are open and it smells like

straight vomit and sweat in here. Oh, gross. It's bad. It's so bad. That sounds like James's car, but go ahead. Hey, so what's up? Um, well, I wanted to call and I'm not going to give you a ton of back information up front because I know you'll kind of dig and get what you need out. But basically, my question is just how do I become the solution to the problem of not liking my kids? Like, I love them to death, but I'm finding myself in a place where I'm not liking them. Not like sometimes, but like majority of the time.

That's a great question. Hey, thank you for, thank you for having the courage to say that out loud. Most parents won't say that because then the shame cycle just starts, right? And there were people looking at them weird. So it totally feels like a taboo subject. Like even bringing it up, I'm just like, am I the only one that is feeling this? Cause this is tough and it sucks. Yeah, dude. How old are your kids? My daughter is six and a half and my son is four and a half.

Oh, gosh. Yeah, you're right in it, man. You're right in it. So when did you start not liking them? Probably, I started noticing it probably about a year or two ago and just kind of dismissed it with, oh, well, you know, I didn't have that immediate connection with them after they were born. I had postpartum depression really bad after both of them. And so I just kind of brushed it off with, you know, just having those feelings and that they'll come and go. And I'm just probably irritated because I'm juggling so many different things. But then I started noticing that I'm like,

I talk to them like crap. Sometimes like I'll do the same thing my mom did and just yell at them. And then after I yell at them, I'll just like look in the mirror and just be so disgusted with myself. Like, how can you say that to your kids? Most of the time I find that when I am struggling with liking my kids, I always love them. When I talk to people who are struggling with liking their kids,

they don't like their body's response to their children. Yeah. If you've gone through a postpartum and it was heavy, I'm speculating here. I don't have any research studies, but this is just me having countless conversations with women who've experienced this. Your body has now put a pin in the story that that kid equals hurt. That kid equals pain. That kid equals pain. That kid equals fill in the blank.

And every time that kid comes into your presence, it starts up a cycle that your body's trying to protect you from. And there's nothing worse than your body reacting to holding your freaking baby. Right? Right. And then you think something's wrong with you. And then the loop. Like there's just no connection.

That's right. And that's your body trying to protect you from a story that was real at one point. At one point, postpartum depression was scary as all get out. Wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah.

It was terrifying. And your body's like, I remember that story. And they were involved. Yeah. And every scream, every, ah, I remember that story. And they were involved. Yeah. And every scream, everything rages you up. And then you put that on top of the story you're still carrying around with you about what you're worth because of your mom. What'd she do to you?

My mom experienced a lot of hurt in her life. Ah, ah, ah, stop, stop, stop. Don't go apologizing for her yet. She's a grown-up. What'd your mom do to you? She was a single mom with three kids who... Stop apologizing

for your mom! What'd your mom do? No, she... She worked all the time, so she was never there. Sorry. She was never there. Yeah.

And when she was, it was constant fighting, and I was never good enough. Never did anything right. Um, so I just always felt very worthless and I know she didn't mean it that way, but that's what it made me feel as a kid. And, um, she just yelled all the time and it finally got to a point where I started sneaking out of the house and going and hanging out with friends that I knew I shouldn't be hanging out with because I just simply didn't want to be around her.

I didn't want to be in her presence. And I'm starting to notice my six-year-old feel the same way towards me. And it sucks to see this cycle repeat. Yeah. see this cycle repeat yeah and so the great terry real the great therapist terry real says family trauma is like a forest fire that rages through family history until somebody has the courage to turn and face it and say no more and you my sister laney you're going to get burned in the process it's going to hurt and those kids of yours and their kids and their kids after them will live differently because you chose and said no more.

And yes, six-and-a-half-year-olds can be wildly annoying. They make up crap. They get into stuff. They're testing every boundary and every thought, right? They're just little button pushers because they're trying to figure out how the world works. Yeah. Gosh, it can be so

annoying. Yeah, they just bring out the worst sides of me. Hold on. I want to stop that. You choose to let part of you emerge when they push certain buttons, you're in control. They're not. And I don't feel like I'm in control. I feel like I just react.

I'm like, I know the right answer in my head, but when the situation arises, it's just like all of my anger and rage is just invoked. And then it's just like, I'm constantly disappointed in my reactions and just feeling like I'm continuing the cycle unintentionally, repeating the cycle, even though that's the one thing I don't want to do. That's right. Because you're trying to, instead of slowing down and putting on a seatbelt,

you're trying to stop the car crash after the skid's already happening. Okay? This stuff gets changed way, way, way upstream. And it starts with you letting seven-year-old Lainey know that your mom messed up. She missed out on a pretty awesome little girl. She missed out on a girl who was funny and silly and had lots of energy and was smart.

She missed all of it through her exhaustion and her rage and her anger and her dismissiveness. And at some point, you got to go back and let little Lainey go. Because right now, Lainey is defending you and Lainey's running the show. Little Lainey's running the show. That's why you act like a seven-year-old when you respond to your kids. You scream, you yell, you throw things, and then you feel bad about it, and then you repeat. Yeah. Okay? You've probably heard this, and throw things, and then you feel bad about it, and then you repeat. Yeah.

Okay? You've probably heard this, and it sounds all woo-woo. That's your inner child saying, oh, I remember this. I'll come to defense because I've been defending Lainey her whole life. Because I had to. Because mom wasn't there to do it. And you have to look in the mirror and say, adult Lainey is worth loving. These two kids did good by me. They're lucky to have me as a mom, and I'm going to backfill that

identity with new actions, and I'm going to backfill that identity with new thoughts, and I'm going to learn new ways. This is a tools issue, not a character issue, okay? Okay. You don't have the tools in your bag to not yell. You don't have another thing to do. That's just how you solve problems. Yeah. Like we have, we have my dad come over on Tuesday nights for taco Tuesday and he'll get to see, you know, obviously they're acting out in their attitudes. And my dad was never there for me. So I just kind of take everything he says with a grain of salt, not being disrespectful or anything.

But it's like you can't really give fatherly advice when you weren't a father. And his answer to everything is, oh, put them in their room. Whoop their butt. And I'm like, I work at a mental health counseling agency and have for the last eight years. And I've learned a lot about positive parenting and the emotional damage that occurs with that kind of reactions to their behavior. And his thing is, well, they'll learn real quick, won't they? And I'm like, yeah, but they'll learn to fear me, not respect me. And that's the problem.

Every time you invite your dad over, your body recognizes that bear. And it starts into fight or flight. And you are unable to have good relationships or interactions with him because your body's not present with you. It's in defense. Because that guy was supposed to have shown up, and that guy was supposed to have loved you as a daughter and have held you accountable and hugged you so tight you couldn't breathe.

And he should have stepped between you and your mom when she was yelling and screaming. He shouldn't have left you. You hear what I'm saying? Yeah. And so at some point soon, Taco Tuesdays need to come to an end because you think you're doing right by everything,

and you're just perpetuating a fantasy that is keeping your body fully limbic, that is putting those girls in an unsafe situation and giving access to this guy who doesn't deserve access to your family right now because you're not whole and well yet. I've heard you say before that it's important to give 30-second hugs. And so like a week or two ago, I gave both my kids hugs when I dropped them off at school. And my daughter, she didn't even lift her arms up. She didn't hug me back. And there was no reason for it. We didn't fight that morning or anything, but like when I

let go of her, I just looked at her and I was like, Oh, so mommy doesn't get a hug. Like, no, I love you. Don't have a good day. No, nothing. And she just looked at me, shook her head with this just look of anger and disgust and like almost pure hatred towards me. And it reminded me of the exact same way I felt as a 16 year old. Like her face looked like me at 16. Hey, Lainey, Lainey, Lainey, Lainey. I don't want her to feel this. Lainey, she's six.

She's six. You know what's going on in the mind of a six year old? Nobody knows. One of the things I work really hard and it's real hard because I have a six-year-old little girl too, who sometimes will hug me so tight I can't breathe. And it fills my soul. And then other times I say, come give me a hug.

I got to go to work. And she's like, no, thank you. And my first thought is because you suck at being a dad because you're always gone because you're always lecturing all your kids about screens and blah, blah, running your mouth. And they don't think your fart jokes are funny. And then I have to stop myself and go, no, she's six. I am a good dad. And I'm not going to judge every interaction as though it's the end of all time that this is it or that's it.

And otherwise, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to give my daughter the burden of having to carry my emotional weight. I'm going to say, you don't have to hug me, but I'm going to hug you because I love you. And then I'm going to leave. I'm going to teach her, you don't get to set mom or dad's emotional state.

You're not that powerful. You're six. You're a little bitty. I'm a grownup. I set my emotional state and my feelings. I make choices about my behavior. You don't have that power. And only then will a kid be able to drop their shoulders

and feel safe and hug recklessly. And it seems counterintuitive. But your daughter is carrying the weight of the house the way you had to carry the weight of the house. And it's time to take that weight off of her shoulders and take it back. And by the way, Lainey, you're strong. You've been carrying heavy stuff for a long time.

It's just finally breaking. It is. It is. And then like, just to add, just to add more to the situation. My daughter was about three and a half or four years old when we had her in a in-home daycare that was through a family friend. And a situation happened when she was four. And one of the older kids that was there,

he was like seven or eight. They were in the living room while the daycare person was making lunch and they were playing house. And he told all the kids that were there, there was like four or five of them, that in order to be married and play house, that the girl has to pull her pants down and he has to put his wiener on her butt. So that happened when she was four. And ever since then, she has been way, way, way overly curious. She'll try to has gotten to a point where the principal and I have had to sit down and basically say like, either she gets into counseling or she can't come back here. When this initial incident happened, did you take her in immediately?

No, I didn't. Okay. That today, two things. There's not an inappropriate curiosity for kids when it comes to their body parts. And that should be an open conversation. And your child was sexually assaulted. Okay. And that's scary to say it like that.

You've got to treat it as such. And I know that when things happen in our own homes, that it can be so disorienting that it's hard to put labels like that on things that happen in our home. And especially it was just another young kid. And what, great. Your daughter was sexually assaulted

and she's got to get treatment as such. She's got to learn appropriate body touch. She's got to learn appropriate body boundaries. She's got to become safe in her own skin. And she has to balance curiosity with behavior. And she's going to need a professional to walk her through that. I've got around like six different waiting lists to see a counselor. That's great.

That's great. Call back and say my daughter was sexually abused and they'll probably move you up. Okay. Okay. And you, mom, have to stop carrying around that that's your fault. Okay? Okay. Stop.

It's not helping her get better. It's not undoing what happened. And it's not true. Stop. Okay? Okay. Okay. I know. I know.

It just loops and loops and loops and loops. I'm like, I, like I told you, I had postpartum and, um, I had like emotionally detached from having any more kids because these two are already,

I say such a handful, but I mean, any kids at their age are a handful. Um, and I had like just mentally, my husband had an appointment to get a vasectomy and I've just been so stressed out. We lost our house a few months ago. So we've just kind of been couch hopping and all over the place. And I've been so stressed out that I didn't even realize I was pregnant again.

So you got number three coming? Yeah. I didn't even find out until I was almost 16 weeks because I'd been so stressed out about trying to help her. Hey, I'm smiling. I'm smiling. I'm glad you are. Okay?

I'm smiling with you because this baby is not coming into the world under a cloud of wish you weren't here. And that's what I don't want to happen. Nope. Okay. coming into the world under a cloud of wish you weren't here. And that's what I don't want to happen. Nope, okay, then we're gonna make that choice, right? Yeah. Here's what's gotta happen in short order. You have a ton of chaos, a ton of trauma. If we sat down and talked about your marriage,

you'd tell me, you got a lot going on. You just lost your house on top of trauma. If we sat down and talked about your marriage, you'd tell me, you got a lot going on. You just lost your house on top of it. You've got a child who's sexually assaulted that we still got to deal with that. You're carrying around the burden of your mother. You're carrying around a lot. You're carrying around a lot. The epicenter of this

starts with you deciding you're worth being well. And you don't believe that. Nothing on this trajectory changes until you believe that. Because then when you believe you're worth being well, that your marriage is worth being incredible, then you're worth changing your financial situation. And then you're worth doing the work to heal from your childhood stuff. And then you're worth fill in the blank, fill in the blank, fill in the blank.

But it's time to today. As I just told the last caller, tomorrow starts right now. If you want things to be different tomorrow, it starts right now. You call those people back where your daughter's on the wait list, tell her it was sexual abuse involved.

And also you call somebody and get in today. Call somebody and get in today. Hey, listen, hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of my book on your past, change your future. And we're going to hook you up with better help counseling. Okay. Better help therapy. I want you to call them. There's no excuses. You can see them within 24, 48 hours, and I'm going to pay for the first month. Okay. We're going to take care of it for you, but I want you to get on this ASAP. You're worth being well, you got a lot, lot going on. And by the way, before I hang up, you decide today, this is going to be a little win. No more yelling at my kids, period. You're going to make that choice. And when you find yourself starting to yell, you're going to close your mouth. You're going to walk out in the backyard. No more yelling. I'm not giving that

to my mom anymore. I'm not giving that to my dad anymore. I'm not giving that to my dad anymore. I'm done. We're going to start with that. We're going to have some small wins around no more yelling. We're going to have some small wins around going to counseling, some small wins around taking care of my daughter, and we're going to keep working on it, and we're going to keep working on it, and we're going to keep working on it,

and then we're going to go get well. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to.

We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life.

Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp.

Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right. Hey, we're back. Those last two calls, they got into my soul a little bit. So I'm following the trend of the internet. And so I went to my cellular device, my phone. My little brother, he sends me great memes all the time because he's awesome at it. And we'll put this meme up on the YouTube show, but it makes me happy. It's a picture. I guess you can customize wine bottle labels now, which is, I had no idea that existed. I'm going to send some hilarious ones to my

friends. But somebody put a picture of their child and it's called the most honest gift to a teacher I've ever seen. And it's a bottle of wine with a little kid's face. And it just says, the label says, our child might be the reason you drink. So enjoy the bottle on me. And that made me laugh inside my heart and made my day a little bit better just going to the internets. And by the way, he sent me another one that said, imagine being rich enough that you don't have to watch YouTube videos every time something breaks in your house. That one's not very funny, is it?

No. You should edit that one out, Sarah. That one kind of sucks. It's just true Oh and Imagine the disappointment If a wolf knew its descendant would be a pug That's how your grandpa feels When he sees your tight jeans

I like that too That one made me laugh Good job little brother Scott You brought me some joy Alright let's go to Amy in Los Angeles What's up Amy? City of Angels How we doing? Good job, little brother Scott. You brought me some joy. All right, let's go to Amy in Los Angeles, CA. What's up, Amy? City of Angels, how we doing?

Good morning. How you doing today, Dr. John? We're figuring it out. Figuring it out. What's up? Same here. That's why I called you. So the initial question was, my husband bets.

And, well, I know you don't promote divorce, but at this point, I just feel unsafe, stuck, and to be honest, I just don't trust him anymore. Okay, tell me about it. You said he bets. Does he have a gambling addiction? Yes. And so what's he put your family through? Thank God we don't have kids, so it's just me and him. But it just has been a lot of emotions, hiding, lying, of course. What's the financial damage? With dad and dad, probably up up to the 100,000 now.

That he's gambled away? Yeah. So he got out of hand for sure. Yeah. So I will tell you this. Um, I'm not a, like you said, I don't condone divorce. There's absolutely some, some, some situations that people need to run for the hills. What I don't do 99.9% of the time is I don't tell people you need to get divorced. That's a personal decision that somebody's got to come to. And for you to start the call that way with the words, I'm unsafe. My husband's burned through $100,000 of our household income. How long have y'all been married?

Five years. In five years. How old are you? I'm 35. Okay. For you to call with those challenges laid out and to say, I'm down the road on divorce, that sounds like you're already there. So is that where you are?

Yeah, you already looked into the paperwork and what do I have to do? Because I don't want this to keep affecting me on the long run. So I would rather cut it right now where he's still being nice. Of course, he's ashamed and sorry and cried to me every night. And sometimes I think about it, you know, to be like, he's a good man.

I'm not excusing him. Has he gone to get help? Has he gone to treatment? No. Okay. I asked him many times and I feel like he doesn't think he has a problem. But with all of this evidence and years of doing it and getting the same outcome, so of course it's a problem now. It's an addiction.

Yeah. And I will often give people grace on their addiction. Where I hold the line is when somebody says, I refuse to go seek wellness and seek healing. That's when I'll say, that's the choice. So someone could say, hey, I can't control this behavior. It's out of control. Great. You can control whether you go seek connection and support and healing.

And he's not made that choice. Two important things for you to note. This has nothing to do with you. And that should be good because often you can feel like I'm not enough. What is it about me that this is more important? That's not how that works. Is that where you are? Yeah, because it's so funny how people is like,

oh, we'll just have a kid. He will change. No, no, no. I don't want to bring a kid to this. He's like, are you serious? It's madness.

Exactly, the mentality. No, I'm not going to be part of that. He needs to heal first. If there was a chance, we need to heal our marriage, which at this point,

no. But I have done everything in my power to help him. And yeah, I feel like I was not enough for him to stop that I need to bring another little person to the picture.

No, no, no, no, no. No, that's not a, don't go down that road. No, I won't. The road to go down is this. You can control two things in the world. Yes. The thoughts you let circulate in your mind

that you meditate on and you spend time on and your actions that's it with a period you can't heal them you can't do some new thing that he's going to be like I didn't think about that

you can't do that and I don't take it away from him call me what you will when it comes to addiction but from people who are workaholics to earnaholics to alcoholics and everyone in between, I have a real soft spot in my head for people who struggle with addiction. I really do.

I have a soft spot in my heart. I get it. And when you make somebody unsafe, you force them into making hard relational choices because you won't. And that's where you find yourself. You're not safe. And so I'm you find yourself. You're not safe. And so I'm not going to tell you to leave him. I'm going to tell you that you can only control you and that you're worth being well and you're worth being safe. Okay. Yes, I believe it. And even the right decision here is going to be painful. The choice to stay and to work it out

and to yell and scream and demand he go to treatment is going to be painful. The choice to leave and get divorced is going to be painful. And so when you hurt in the next month, two months, five months, seven months, nine months, the evidence of, I mean, the feeling of hurt is not evidence that you're making the wrong decision. You don't have a way out of this.

It's not going to be painful. Okay? You have to decide I'm worth being well and I'm worth being safe. And at this point, my husband is choosing to not go do the things that he needs to do to be well. And I'm so heartbroken for you, Amy. I'm so sorry. Thank you. I really wanted to make it work, to be honest. And I'm so heartbroken for you, Amy. I'm so sorry. Thank you. I really wanted to make it work,

to be honest. Of course. Of course. Of course. Have you ever, have you given him the or what statement? Have you said, this is the one? Okay. I've been five years married, seven in a relationship. And that's the thing, like I saw the red

flags since the beginning. But I guess when you are in love, you lose track of those five senses or six senses. The fantasy is so strong. It's beautiful.

Had you been married before or were you single until you were 30? No, I was married before. Okay. All right. So this was going before. Okay, all right. So this was going to be... And my 23rd.

This was going to be the one, huh? Yeah, of course. It was. Do you have some shame in your heart and mind that it didn't work out again for a second time? No, to be honest, no. I'd rather step away. Yeah, I'm good.

Yep. I'd rather step away and find my well-being than stay in a relationship that's just not working. Well, it's less about, again, it's less about just not working and more you are unsafe. And the dishonesty and the, hey, we're one bad evening away from being homeless and foodless and retirementless. This is you out on the plank, and you are waving in the wind here. This is a scary, scary place. And your husband's struggling, man.

He's sick, and he needs to go get healing. And my heart breaks for him. My heart breaks for you guys. My heart breaks for your marriage. But you're worth being well. And I'm so, I'm sorry about this. This one sucks too, man. All right, we'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious

or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Man, let me just say this.

This show today was hard and it wasn't hard in a, what I would call an acute way. Like, we didn't hear a mom who's just lost a two-year-old or somebody who's considering suicide, right? Today's show felt hard because it's life. Like we all make dumb decisions because somebody says, hey, I'll love you. We've all made, found ourselves replaying stories and narratives and scripts that our parents gave us and old coaches gave us and old coaches gave us and crappy uncles gave us. And we hate ourselves for continuing the cycles that we see emerge. When I hear things come out of my mouth, I'm like, I know exactly where that came from. And I see my

son's face, the look on his face. And I remember feeling that face. Or we find ourselves in relationships and we come to the edge of our boundary and we say, I can go no more. I can no longer be unsafe. What did I do in that haunting? Am I this powerless? What if I just loved differently? What if I just loved more, right?

This show is a more realistic picture, I think, than most shows in that this is the ugly messiness of life and life's hard. And so something that will remind all three of these folks off air that I want to remind you guys, don't do life alone. Get people with you and listen listen to people upstream middle of stream when they're pulling you out of the stream life's hard life's hard

life's hard surround yourself with people who love you who've got your back who will walk alongside you when things get messy and hopefully when you're about to step on the rattlesnake they can grab your hand and go

whoa whoa whoa look look look and you can go yeah I want to step there but it's not going to be wise. As we wrap up today's show, man, this is one of my favorite songs ever. One of my favorite songs of all time, all time. It's the John Mayer.

Man, this is a deep cut, but it's so good. The song's called The Age of Worry, and it goes like this. Close your eyes and clone yourself. Build your heart and army to defend your innocence while you do everything wrong. Don't be scared to walk alone. Don't be scared to like it. There's no time that you must be home.

So sleep where darkness falls. Alive in the age of worry. Smile in the age of worry. Go wild in the age of worry. Say, worry, why should I care? Know your fight's not with them. Yours is with your time here. Dream your worry, why should I care? Know your fight's not with them. Yours is with your time here. Dream your dreams, but don't pretend. Make friends with what you are. Give

your heart, then change your mind. You're allowed to do it. Be alive in the age of worry and say, worry, why should I care? We'll see you soon. Coming up on the next episode. What did your brother do? He has a couple of charges that have to do with a minor. So have you sat down with that and just sat in it for a second? That's hard. It is. I've tried to. I want you to write your brother a letter that you're never going to send him.

Okay, I'm showing up every day. I'm putting my best foot forward. I'm doing my master's. And then at the end of the lesson, the kids literally don't care at all. How do you know when it's time to leave? Here's my, here's the story I tell myself. I don't run from things anymore. I go to things. And one thing that I definitely noticed about myself is the pattern that I seem to always cheat on every relationship that I'm on. You're a pretty lonely guy. Is that fair? Yeah. And so loneliness exacerbates what you're experiencing.