The Dr. John Delony Show - I’m Struggling To Lose My Baby Weight

Episode Date: October 27, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: -       A mother obsessed with losing the baby weight she gained -       A young husband on the verge of divorce -       A woman struggling with resentment toward her mom To order John's new book Building a Non-Anxious Life click here. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Sex, don't avoid that. It's like one of the best parts. You're willing to have a sexless marriage. You're willing to have a marriage where you don't have conversations with your best friend in the world. You're about to lose everything. You, brother, have to stop wearing anxiety as an identity badge. What is going on?

This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad that you're with us. Wow. We're talking parenting, mental health, marriage, whatever you got going on in your life, your emotional health, those kids, their schools, your work, whatever you got going on in your life your emotional health those kids their schools your work whatever you got going on we're here for you we'll sit with you when things get sideways and my promise is you're not gonna do this alone and we'll walk with you whatever you're going through if you want to be on this show give me a buzz one eight four four six nine three thirty

two ninety one leave a message and we'll holla back girl at you. I ain't no holla back girl. And you can go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, and fill out the form and we'll get in touch with you. By the way, I just got to say two important things. Important thing number one, last night was the big book launch party out here and it was a book launch that turned into a punk rock

show and it was just incredible. All y'all were there. It was so fun, dude. Y'all were the best. So the best. Everybody, man. It was amazing. Super fun. It was so much fun. Super fun. And we're all so tired today. I know. But that's okay. I can hardly see straight. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

And my Weekly Low returns and it was awesome. Ben brought the thunder, like always. Seeing my little daughter out there in the audience singing Taylor Swift with all of her gusto and waving that little phone, that's a highlight of my life. All right, I'm going to say something that shows feelings for me, and it's going to make you take a compliment.

So here we go. I'll to make you take a compliment. So here we go. Just take it like a champ. Yeah. I am so proud of you. I think we all are. Thank you. I think, I'm assuming we all are.

Thank you. Yeah. Because, not because, I mean, last night, yes, it was great. It was fun. We had a great time. Your talk was awesome. But we had some stories last night from fans.

Literally, I was about to kill myself and this thing popped up. Yeah. Literally life-saving stories because of the work you've done. And I know we're so, so proud to be a part of this gang, all of us. But the work that you put into the book, into every talk, into this show,

just we're all very, very proud of you. And we hope you know that. Well, I appreciate that. I accept that. And thank you. You accepted that nicely. I'm very uncomfortable. I know right now you're just like, ah.

My feet are like, I'm like running in place underneath the desk, but it's good. No, thank you for that. That was awesome. And it was cool. Man, hearing all those stories was wild. People, it was in that VIP room.

Number one, like the people paid all that extra money just to come hang out. And we did like a kind of a private version of the show. But more than that, there was like four people from Nashville. Everyone was from everywhere, from New Hampshire and Florida and New Mexico and British Columbia. I have her letter right here, and it's amazing. Yeah. I mean, people came from all over.

So, yeah, dude, we're starting a movement. It's pretty rad. If people just like, this way kind of sucks. Let's do it differently. I don't even came from all over. So, yeah, dude, we're starting a movement. It's pretty rad. If people just like, this way kind of sucks. Let's do it differently. Like, I don't even know what that means, but let's go sing Taylor Swift at the top of our lungs with a podcaster and we'll start there. Or we'll sing some old Poison songs.

And then there's a second thing we have to talk about. I don't remember when this show came out, but... 2020. No, it was before that. It was this particular episode I'm going to talk about. You said something about Dayquil. Oh, yeah. That was just a couple weeks ago.

And I made a reference to It's Always Sunny. Right, because it was when I'd come back from being sick, and I was pretty much high as a kite. You're pretty much high as a kite always. I wish. To tell you how many direct messages I've received about It's Always Sunny. Yeah, we've gotten so many emails. This show is basically just a It's Always Sunny fan show, I think is what we're running here. It's unbelievable. No call, no like, man, John, your advice is so good on this thing.

You quote, it's always sunny one time. Because you said something about it a couple of days ago, and I was like, okay, whatever. I hadn't heard anything. And I kid you not, that afternoon, I probably had 15 to 20 emails that day about that. I'm talking hundreds of direct messages. It's amazing.

Day, man. That's what it is. Out of all the work, that's what it is. Fighter of the night, man. Whoa! Let's go out to Harrisburg and talk to Rochelle. What up, Rochelle? What is up, Dr. John? What's up?

How we doing? I'm doing well. How are you? If I had more fun, I'd probably be asleep. I don't even know what that means. Hey, so what's going on? How can I help? Yeah, so thanks so much for taking my call. My question for you is,

how can I stop obsessing over my weight loss journey and learn to love the body that I'm in? Oh, man. Tell me about it. Yeah. So I'm 33. I'm a safe amount to two little boys who are both allergic to sleep. So I don't have a lot of time. And when I do have time, I'm usually pretty tired. But kind of my history, like I've always been a big girl. Not always like, I mean, always chubby, but I'm tall. Just had never been one of those cute, petite little things. Um, always struggled with body dysmorphia and still do, um, did all the things in adolescence

and even in early adulthood, as far as diet, you know, the Weight Watchers, the Slim Fast, all the things. It wasn't really until the last five to seven years that I really got on track and started looking at my health in what I would consider a healthy way. It's really, I love Mind Pump, the Mind Pump guys and Dr. Lane Norton. It's you and those two podcasts on constant repeat over here. It's awesome. It's a great guys. Yeah. Yeah. So like I said, I have two little boys, worked really, really hard to have healthy pregnancies with them. Just kept walking, kept strength training. The first one, I lost all the weight immediately. I was really blessed with a healthy pregnancy that I was able to keep up with that. I know that's not the situation for all women, but luckily it was for me that time.

And also with the second one, again, really tried to not gain a ton of weight, tried to get a healthy amount of weight, working with my doctors to keep that a healthy pregnancy as well. But after my second baby, as I continued to breastfeed, every single pound that I had lost came back. So that little boy just turned two and I'm currently sitting at right now, the same weight that I did when I walked in with an almost eight pound baby in my belly. I just found myself when I have to go places with my family and we have to get dressed up, which for me is anything but leggings. I find myself cranky because I'm wearing clothes and sizes I've never worn before. And it's just, it's really affecting all facets of my life because I am so discontent with my current body. Dude, thanks for saying that out loud.

I know that's not fun to say out loud, huh? Yeah, it's embarrassing. I have this like beautiful specimen of a husband who can like eat an entire sleeve of Oreos and maintain a six pack, which is super annoying. It'll get him. It'll catch him. It will catch him. Just wait.

It'll just one day he'll, it'll, it'll get him. Um, did you grow up in a house where people watch what you ate? Yeah. Yeah. So that's wired into you. The, Oh honey, that shirt makes you look pudgy.

Let's wear the other shirt. Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't necessarily even comments towards me, but very much comments about themselves. There you go. And luckily, nothing ever pointed towards me, but just hearing the negative self-talk. Yeah, and their negative self-talk became what you saw in the world, and then what you saw in the world became your negative self-talk about other people. And then that became the story you tell about yourself. Um, yeah. What'd your husband say

about all this? Um, he is incredibly encouraging. Um, he, you know, he, he acknowledges, uh, you know, that obviously I have gained weight cause you know, it's a lot of times all I can talk about. Um, he still makes me feel loved and attractive to the best of his ability. But obviously, if it's not something... He can only do so much with his words and his actions. And I think... And he kind of gets frustrated sometimes, as I think anyone would, too. I mean, it's this obsession for me that I'm just...

It's always this, well, I'll be happier when I've lost the weight, when I can fit into the old jeans, when I can walk next to you and feel like proud to, you know, be your wife. How have you equated a number on a scale and with the size of your pants with, then he'll love me. And you're describing ways when he's like getting frustrated because he's watching the woman that he loves and that he's sexually attracted to and that he is like seeing be an amazing mom of his two kids. His frustration is that she can't see how much he loves her. Yeah.

Where's that story come from? Because it's not true. Yeah, I don't. But you've equated weight loss with value. Yeah. I think what's just so frustrating for me is I feel like I'm putting in the work. I'm watching what I eat and I'm working out. And it's not working.

Hold on. How old are your kids? Just turned two and just turned four. Okay. So you're living inside of a blender without a top on it and you're exhausted. And did you have a picture of what... Let's put weight aside because I think that's symptomatic. Did you think being a mom was going to feel different than this? Yeah. I really struggled with postpartum depression with both of them. And I also struggled with a lot of infertility before them. And it's real easy when you struggle with infertility,

you struggle with postpartum, that these kids, this family is going to rescue me. It's going to feel like I'm finally here. Very similar to the way sometimes, and again, I'm over genderizing this, but the way a man says, when I finally make six figures, when I finally get a hundred thousand dollars a year then I'll fill in the blank and part of that compounding challenge is you're holding your baby and you're and your hormones are all over the place and you're sitting there in this postpartum funk and you start to think a good mom wouldn't feel like this a good mom who'd struggle with infertility holding her baby would should be grateful and should be feeling like this and i don't so yet again there's another notch in the there's something not right about me i've never been cute and petite i married a smoke show i've never been this my parents weren't enough i'm not this and it should be feeling like this so let's have another kid we just need to

have a family and all of a sudden you're sitting in the reality four-year-olds are insane they're literally insane they are weed eaters with ears and eyes and then you have a two-year-old that's in that gap i call it like the fourth the fourth dimension of hell where they're kind of human but also also kind of not, right? They're like humans, but you kind of still change diapers. They're kind of like, mom, I pooped. And then can I have a snack? Can I have a snack? Can I have a snack?

Can I have a snack? And it was all supposed to feel different. Yeah. Yeah. I had this picture in my mind that I would, you know, be taking my babies on walks. And I think because I thought I struggled so much to get pregnant with them,

that I would be exempt from all of the postpartum stuff because I, I struggled so much. And I think you don't. And that shouldn't happen. Yeah. Yeah. And so I, I'm going to say something weird. Okay. Do you probably have weight to lose? Yeah. I believe you. Yeah. Yeah. And so I, I'm going to say something weird. Okay. Do you probably have weight to lose? Yeah. I believe you. Yeah. I believe you. No question. Um, does your husband love you? Yeah. I believe you on that too. Did your little crazy little boys win the lottery getting you as their mama? Yeah, I believe that. I also am going to challenge you. This story has to stop with you.

The story that you picked up from your parents and the story that they picked up from their parents that I'll be worth loving. I'll be worth being proud of when fill in the blank. That has to stop with you because those little boys will pick that up too. Is that fair? And I feel like I'm already noticing it where I noticed my four-year-old coming up and saying,

mommy, I did this. Are you proud of me? Yeah. And I tell him, I'm proud of you no matter what. Even if you didn't do that, I'm proud of you. But I noticed- Okay, I'm going to tell you something hard and I hesitate to tell moms this

because I don't want you to internalize this and make this about fault. I want you to make this about opportunity. You promise you can do that. If I tell you this, I can. Yeah. Your little boy has a radar that he's scanning the environment all the time to make sure he's safe and he feels mom's not okay. And when he asks you, are you proud of me? Do you see me? What he's asking is, am I helping you feel okay? Yeah. He's trying to heal the tension in his environment. And I say this with all love in my heart for you, my friend. That's not his job. That's your job. Absolutely. And so I want you to not look at this as a weight loss win or loss or a weight loss failure or a, I've always been a big girl. Now I'm just, the thing is happening to me that I swore wouldn't happen, which is I'm

going to become one of those ladies that just lets himself go. That's not the conversation. We'll get there. The conversation is, I thought my life was going to feel different than it does right now. And I thought it was going to look different. I thought my experience of two healthy, beautiful little baby boys and a smoke show husband was going to heal this inner child, this kid that I've never really liked. She's never been pretty enough. She's never been cute. She's never really liked. She's never been pretty enough. She's never been cute. She's never been petite. She's never been those girls. And I thought these external things would do it. And it's not, that's the place you have to go to. And as a guy who struggled with body dysmorphia, I am telling you, it wasn't until, and you've heard me do it on the show.

I wasn't until my counselor caught me. She was like, she golf clapped me. And she was like, oh, you're real smart and you have lots of words. Congratulations, you're smart. And then that's when she made me make a fist and put it in my chest and say the words, I love this guy. And I couldn't make those words come out of my mouth. And she smiled and she goes there it is you can have the perfect workout program perfect exercise program the perfect act or dbt or rebt the perfect therapeutic

modality but if at the end of the day you don't look in the mirror and like who you see all of it is going to be a roller coaster ping pong match for the rest of your life. And so I think the work here is, we'll get to the, I trust that your discipline, my gosh, and I trust you can quote unquote lose, you know, the calories. And I trust that you can exercise. I don't think that's your challenge right now. I think your body is still rattling like a snow globe because you don't like you. Tell me if I'm wrong. No, I don't think I could do that.

I don't, you know, when I'm even like getting, you know, dressed for the day and I look in the mirror, I'm like, I can't think this body that I prayed for so long would give me these children that are just such blessings. I even can't find myself to like thank God and thank my body for doing that because there's just nothing. I look in the mirror that I like. There you go. Will you make me a promise that you'll call somebody, a professional and sit down and say those exact words you just said to me? Yeah, I'm you to just leave. Well, you've waited a long time, so go ahead and have the first session. But you'll need somebody not to over-clinicalize you. You're going to need somebody that sees you.

Because what your body needs right now is not more information. Your body needs someone to look at you and say, I love you just because you walked in the door, and I'm so glad you're here. Because you don't do that for you. And this sounds bananas, but the single greatest gift you can give that husband of yours who's awesome, those kids of yours that are awesome, is a mom and a wife

that is really proud to be her. And that sounds like a thousand miles away. That sounds like I'm making fun of you, right? Doesn't it? Sounds so ridiculous to be her. And that sounds like a thousand miles away. That sounds like I'm making fun of you, right? Doesn't it? Sounds so ridiculous to say that. It makes it a different, I mean, changing the perspective about it being about my boys and about my marriage rather than just being, but it seems like it's a goal. I want to get there, but I have absolutely no idea how to get there. Here's how you do it. You sit down in front of somebody face to face and say the exact same things you just said to me.

I've got everything, everything I ever wanted. And when I'm getting dressed in the morning, I stop and I look at myself before I'm dressed and I drop my shoulders and I'm sad. Because not only do I not like what I see, I don't like the person I see. And I want to love me. I want you to start there with your counselor.

My promise is there's healing on the other side of that. And then that little four-year-old little boy is not going to be trying to make mom feel better about mom because he loves you more than life itself. And that husband of yours just looks over and sees beautiful you. And he hates the fact that somebody hates the woman he loves so much. It just happens to be you. I'm proud of you. So proud of you. Today is day one.

And keep listening to mind pump guys into lane my buddy jordan syatt keep listening to those guys they'll give you the tools but all that stuff is symptom let's go beneath it let's sit down with somebody and say i want to learn to love me it's time i want to love me as much as my little boys do it's a good good place to start. Proud of you. We'll be right back. Alright, let's roll out to Omaha, Nebraska. Hey, is Omaha where they have the Omaha steaks?

I would assume so, right? I mean, I've not been there personally, but I think it's probably a safe assumption. Let's go to Omaha and talk to James. What's up, James? Hey, John. How's it going, man?

We're partying, dude. What's up, man? Well, I guess I'm just going to roll right into the question. So my wife and I are on the brink of a divorce. And so my question for you, I guess the best way I can put it is how do I navigate, uh, you know, these emotions and everything that's going on and really try to find myself right now? Because, you know, obviously my sense of self is kind of all over the place at the moment. Yeah. What happened, man?

Um, I gotta go back a little ways. So I've struggled with, uh, varying degrees of anxiety my whole life. And, um, it's, you know, ebbed and flowed ups and downs, but right before we got married, I, I really hit the lowest point in my life with my anxiety. And I was just in pure survival mode for like a year or more, maybe. And so I just couldn't be the best partner in the world. And so the, you know, kind of the romantic and intimate part of our relationship really started to, uh, fade away. And ever since that point, we've just never had the tools or, or understanding of how

to kind of bring that back and really strengthen that side of our relationship. Uh, we were always really good support systems for each other and really best friends and still went out and made a ton of memories together. But that side of the relationship never truly recovered. Hold on. Why did y'all choose that? Somebody chose that or y'all chose it together. we're we're both really good at avoiding the tough conversations the the awkward conversations i know but hold on a sex don't avoid that it's like one of the best parts. Second, you're about to lose everything. And so if you're like somebody who wants to avoid conflict

and you see a child about to walk in front of a truck, you're like, ah, he's just not good at hard conversations. And then he gets hit by the truck. Like your marriage is almost over. Yeah. Why not have the conversations? Well, we've,

we've been having the conversations, um, you know, but obviously, uh, a little late in the game. I don't believe in late in the game. I don't believe in late in the game.

Well, so let me, let me run through what she is telling me then. She, you know, over the past six months to a year, she started, you know, talk about how she feels trapped and claustrophobic, both just in the relationship, in her life, her job, where she lives. I mean, just kind of everything about her life right now.

She just kind of feels claustrophobic, I guess was the word she used. And, you know, recently she's been talking about, you know, she doesn't know she wants to be here anymore. And she just doesn't have hope that the relationship can be changed. And the real, I guess, final kicker was she told me that she doesn't even know if she wants to try to, uh, heal the relationship, I guess. She's been married to a light socket. Yeah. So what you just, the way you just laid that out, what she said tells me. light socket. Yeah. So,

the way you just laid that out, what she said tells me that's the sound of somebody who's exhausted. They're out because they're trapped in an umbrella or like in a dome of well, it's just the anxiety. It's just the anxiety. It's just the anxiety. Yeah.

And even your language is super defeatist. But listen, dude, like this thing, this anxiety, it's not something you have. It's not something that like descends upon you like COVID did. Right? Right. It's a whole bunch of little bitty choices that you make over a period of time. And so my question, she's not on the phone, so I can't talk to her, but I'll ask you. Why have you, like, what is it about this that is an identity for you that's so powerful that you're willing to lose your marriage over it?

You're willing to have a sexless marriage. You're willing to have a marriage where you don't have conversations with your best friend in the world. Yeah. I mean, so I've been, I've been working really hard on myself within like the last year. Uh, I found a therapist that I love, uh, and I've been working really hard, but it's just, I have, I have reached out and tried to, what is, what is working really hard mean? Cause I don't believe you. I say that cause I love you, but I don't believe you. Like what is working really hard mean? Uh, well, like I said, you know,

going to therapy and having a lot of tough conversations with my therapist. Here's what it sounds like. Here's what it sounds like. It sounds like you have a lot of conversations and you have a lot more conversations after that. And then you think a whole, whole bunch. And then you read a lot of conversations. And you have a lot more conversations after that. And then you think a whole, whole bunch. And then you read a book and listen to some podcasts. Then you have some more conversations. And your wife's like, can we just have sex?

Is that fair? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, but it's also a reciprocation thing. Because I feel like I have come to the table, um, you know, let's try this, let's go to this, let's do this. And it just seems like we just sit and spin our tires rather than actually move forward with the process of, of doing said things and actually working towards the healing part of it,

if that makes sense. Yes, and. Okay, can I be like super honest with you because I love you? Absolutely, man. All right, so the father of existential psychology, the great Irvin Yalom, he kind of took up this mantle, if you will, this baton of teaching future therapists.

And he said, as one of the greatest tools a therapist has in their toolkit is everything is data. And he said, so what that means is as a counselor, if one of your clients comes in and every time they come in, you're just so distracted, you can't pay attention. You're like, find yourself nodding off. You find yourself like, keep having inside your mind, like, I got to come back, got to come back. That in and of itself is data. And a true loving counselor would ask the person, do other people think you're boring? Do other people say that you're hard to be around? Because I'm struggling. And maybe that's where the work is. Okay. So I tell you all that to tell you, I'm struggling to connect with you because every

time I'm trying to connect, you loop it around and have like, well, and actually what we talked about is, and I can get this picture. Tell me I'm crazy that you are like, okay, our intimacy is off. It's not good. I'm struggling with anxiety. I've had lots of hard conversations, honey, we're going to do a sex thing and it's going to be a this, and it's going to be a that. And so really, your wife, instead of entering into this, her coming home and the whole house has roses everywhere and there's candles. I don't know what she's into.

And Tori Amos is playing, or Olivia Rodriguez is like, I don't know what she's into, but whatever her thing is. Instead of that, she gets off of work and feels like she's going to an exam Like a final exam a test that she needs to pass so her husband who's anxious out of his mind Can be a little bit more of the husband she signed up for Do you see the difference one of these is a project and one of these is Part of my homework assignment between me and my counselors. I'm going to go home. I'm going to go for it.

I'm going to be recklessly vulnerable with my wife and I'm going to feel the tension in my body, but I'm not going to put that on her. Her job isn't to perform for me and make sure she does everything right so that we can be intimate. Whatever intimacy looks like, it could be doing it,

but it could be a whole bunch of other stuff too. Do you see what I'm saying? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Am I right or wrong? Tell me if I'm wrong, man. Do you see what I'm saying? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Am I right or wrong? Tell me if I'm wrong, man. Call me out if I'm off. No, you're definitely right.

It's just, I guess, I don't know how to necessarily get to that point. You know what I mean? You have to decide to so recklessly run into this fire and through the smoke and you're not your wife is standing there in that fire getting burned and you're like all right so what we're going to do today is we are going to examine the smoke and she's like will you just come here with me and it and i'll be super honest with you, man. I'm all about reality. It may be too late. She may have checked out and that's okay. I mean, it's not okay like in the, it's

going to hurt and be awful. Back to your original question, like, how do you find yourself? We can talk through that real quick, but I don't think that's the thing right now. I think your wife has probably felt like she's responsible for making sure you're okay for so long. And you have been really working hard intellectually through these things. And there's got to be a place where there's connection. And you're trying to connect intellectually and you're trying to connect project-based learning. And she just wants you. Yeah. to connect project-based learning and she just wants you yeah you see yeah and i hope you get what i'm saying i i i do i do it's the difference between like i am going to rip your top two buttons off of your shirt in a passionate kiss or when i home, I will unbutton the top button

followed by the next top button, right? The same thing's happening, but one of those is like this moment of reckless abandon. And she might say, hey, stop. And that's going to be scary for you. That's vulnerability. Or she may rip your shirt back.

But it's different than this clinical step-by-step process where she feels like she's being your shirt back. But it's different than this clinical step-by-step process where she feels like she's being tested. Yeah. Because none of us like to be in math class for the rest of our lives with the one person we're supposed to be able to drop our shoulders with. Is she seeing somebody else? I firmly believe no.

I mean, I've asked her that. I honestly do not believe that to be true, no. Okay, she's got to be getting connections somewhere. And maybe that's a friend. Maybe that's a fantasy life. Maybe that she's just shut the whole machine off for now. And she's tired of, that's what that trapped feeling might be. She's tired of having the whole machine off.

Yeah, I think it's not necessarily in love with someone else but in love with something else i think she's in love with the idea of not being uh slowly being encased in concrete yeah right like this this impending sense like i gotta get out of here whatever here is here may be you but it may be the whole feeling of the whole situation so do you think there's a chance to save your marriage or are you guys past that has she filed on you no there hasn't

been any filing we don't have any kids or anything so it's it's but there's not a lot to it in those terms hold on homie there not a lot to it in those terms. Hold on, homie. There's a lot to it.

It might not be as complicated, but it will still be as violent. Right. Right. I think we're both kind of just in this limbo of, of what, what do we do? What are the next steps either Either way, you know. So if one of you files on each other, the moment somebody files, the relationship is over. And it is now a business transaction. And this is uncomfortable to say,

but you don't, business transaction season is not the time to quote unquote work on yourself. You're in the middle of a business deal. We're going to get through that deal. And then we're going to let the smoke and dust clear. And we're going to try to make good choices during the smoke and dust. And when I say make good choices, we're not going to do anything we can't take back.

We're not going to go get somebody pregnant. We're not going to just immediately start dating all over the place. We're not going to eat with reckless abandon. We're still going to go exercise. We're still going to try with reckless abandon. We're still going to go exercise. We're still going to try to sleep best we can, even though we're grieving like crazy. You will have some Netflix nights. You'll have some of that kind of stuff, but we're going to do the best we can to stay whole. We're going to have a group of guys that we hang out with, that we do life with.

We're going to be whole through this business transaction. And then we're going to start asking what now, where do we go? Most people make a mistake when somebody files. They instantly want to go David Goggins the whole thing, and you can't because your body's in fight or flight and grief at the same time. It's not a time to start a new program of some sort. You've got to get through this thing, right? It's like being in the middle of a marathon, and all of a sudden you're like, I'm going to start a squat routine. Like, dude,

finish the race first. You got to finish the race, and you got to rest, and then you can start talking about squats, right? So, finding yourself, this isn't the time. If y'all are getting divorced, there's a business transaction. Right. I also think there's a place to sit down and say, I'm not out if you are. I don't believe in two sentences. I don't believe in too soon. I don't know. I just think things are funny even if it's awful. I don't believe in too soon, and I don't believe in too late.

It's too late. I don't believe that. And so to sit down and say, I realize that me getting well or trying to get well has put you in a microscope for the last however many years. And that's exhausting. I'm sorry. And you, brother, have to stop wearing anxiety as an identity badge, as a way you walk around the world. This is the way I do it. And you have to take those intellectual conversations that you have

and those lessons that you think about and think about and those hard conversations, and you have to start doing things differently. And that means you're going to have to start getting tougher. And I don't mean that like I don't feel my anxiety. I mean tougher like I'm don't mean that like, I don't feel my anxiety. I mean tougher, like I'm going to do things when I don't feel like it. I'm going to exercise when I don't feel like it.

I'm going to go to work and be on time when I don't feel like it. I'm going to ask my wife every single day of my life, how can I love you today? I'm going to put on my calendar, make a move tonight Put on her music create a world take care of the dishes take care of the things that that that all the whole environment That take your foot all the gas pedals down and all the brakes off in the house, whatever that looks like

And i'm going to be vulnerably, recklessly vulnerable with my wife. Not problem-based learning and her being, taking the SAT every Saturday night when you don't want to hook up, but man, all in. And that's probably gonna be some skills that you got to learn how to do. And it's going to be really vulnerable and scary. You're worth that, by the way. And what a fun way to live, man. As you're running through the fire

and letting your body know, I'm getting your signals, but she's safe. She's amazing. And by the way, you may do all of this and she may still leave. And if she does,

you're going to have to grieve it hard. But why leave it on the table? Don't leave a conversation unhad. Don't leave an experienced untried. Go get your wife. Go get your wife. We'll be right back Hey good folks, let's talk about hallow All right, I say this all the time It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around But one thing you might not think about though is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things,

or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose.

And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen

where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music, you can create your own personal prayer plan, and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice, and here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it, and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself, and sometimes you do this with a group, and Halo helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Halo, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show,

get three free months when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, let's go out to Little Rock and talk to Ashley. What's up, Ashley?

Hi, good morning, Dr. John. How are you? We're so good. How about you? I'm doing great. I am a little nervous, I have to tell you, but I'm very grateful for your time today. Don't be nervous. I'm not that good. I'm not good at this. What's up? So I'm calling because I have a lot of conflicting feelings of guilt and resentment toward my mom that I'm hoping you can help me work through. What did she do? So I'll try to be succinct, but basically my parents had a very tumultuous marriage during which my dad was unfaithful pretty much throughout that entire relationship. And he was emotionally and on one occasion physically abusive with her as well. And after they split up and my

dad left, you know, my mom really stepped up to take care of me and my brother. So I've always held her in a very high regard because of that. But the guilt and resentment comes in because I moved away. I moved out of state with my boyfriend a few years ago. And in my culture, that's kind of unusual and frowned upon, I guess. And so she's really kind of guilted me for that over the years and has bad-mouthed me and my relationship to various family members and friends. And I think I've just realized how much she's put on me to kind of take care of her emotionally throughout my life. So I am struggling because I love her to death, but I have a lot of anger toward her

that I don't really know how to work through, I guess, to put it in short. I appreciate that. So I wonder if the anger that you have towards her is potentially a more universal anger that I wanted this picture to be celebrated by everybody and it's not. So I wonder if your anger is actually grief. I, that may be part of it.

I think there's, there's more to the anger. If I can give you a couple of examples perhaps. So for instance, in the one instance where my dad was physical with her, you know, she, I was maybe 11 and it happened in front of me. And she asked months and months later, you know, why I didn't do anything to stop him at the time. And she also doesn't have a lot of people close to her. So she chose to confide in me and my brother, you know, throughout my dad's affair with his mistress and now wife. So she would tell us, you know, all of the updates and show us emails and like sex messages between them. So I think just putting that on us as young kids has made me feel,

I don't know, conflicted in the appreciation that I have for her, but a lot of anger in the way that she's dealt with me moving out, but also just how she's kind of dealt with my parents' relationship as we were growing up. That's like, I'm sorry that happened. That should never have happened. She shouldn't have done that to her kids. And that was never y'all's burden to carry. The challenge is with our parents, is can we hold the good stuff and can we hold the bad stuff at the same time? And what do we choose to do with those things?

And I was on the phone with my mom as I was driving in this morning. I love my mom. I love my dad. I love my in-laws, but they don't get a vote into how I choose to deal with the emotions, and you've got some of these parts of your mom that were amazing, and she was so strong, and she survived. What was hell?

And she dragged her little kids through it too. Both in. Both stories are true. Where the next step breaks down is you're still going back to your mom trying to solve that dilemma. And that's not her dilemma to solve. It's yours. In the same way, she was bringing you along.

Why didn't you protect me from this? Which she should have never done. No parent should put that on an 11-year-old little girl. My God. No piece of crap dad should hit their mother especially in front of a kid no i'm not gonna say especially just ever but also not in front of a kid like all of it but in the same way right now you're holding your grief you're holding your i can't believe this happened and you're circling back and trying to get your mom holding your, I can't believe this happened. And you're circling back

and trying to get your mom to solve it. She can't. But I don't know how to work through it myself. Yeah. Well, and you've probably heard me use this analogy a lot, but as a little kid, you were born into a household and you had a backpack on and your dad kept dropping bricks in that backpack. And a couple of times your mom and your dad put cinder blocks in that bag and you've been carrying that sucker around not to mention your boyfriends and those breakups

and the stupid thing that your girlfriend told you one time and your own things that you've experienced right and now how old are you 28 with a backpack that weighs 5,000 pounds. And it's so heavy. And instead of taking the bricks out of your backpack and just setting them down,

I'm not carrying this anymore. You're hunched over trying to hold this thing up and your legs are shaking and your shoulders are burning. And you're looking at your mom asking her why she put them in there. I mean, she did. and your shoulders are burning and you're looking at your mom asking her why she put them in there. That's okay. I mean, she did. There will never be an answer that takes the weight off of your back.

That's your job. That's your venture to go do. So one of the things I often tell people is to literally go to the store, go to Home Depot or Lowe's and buy a cinder block and put a piece of duct tape on it and write down the time you called me in and asked me why I didn't stand between an abusive man

and me. And I want you to walk around your backyard and just carry that thing until it's so heavy, it's hard to hold. And I want you to go find a place in your backyard and set it down and rip the thing on, throw it down and never pick it up again. But have this cathartic, like, you know, when you go to a funeral, there's a before and after, and the funerals are so important because it gives your body an anchor point, a period at the end of a sentence. And we can shift from person to spirit. Like this, now you're a part of my memory. You're a part of me, but I can't pick up a phone and call you.

What you're doing is a very similar thing. Mom, you put this brick in my backpack. I'm not carrying your stuff anymore. No more. And then I want you to write a letter to that 11 year old little girl and tell her that you're sorry that she went through that because she should have had a mom that didn't drag her through that. And she should have had a dad that didn't beat up her mom and that didn't fill the house with so much fear and didn't cheat on mom and drag other women through. Right? There's an 11-year-old little girl trying to

figure out what was so bad about her that dad took off. And there's an 11-year-old little girl trying to figure out, oh man, maybe I should have done something for mom. And it was never that little girl's job. So I have a question about that. How can I continue to have my mom in my life right now? I have so much dread when I think about going home. And I don't want to feel that way. Your mom has opted out on you. Because she continually belittles you and the choices you've made, she continues to talk bad about you. If behavior is

a language, she is telling you, I don't want to be in relationship with you until you do what I want you to do to make me feel better about myself. And I would tell you it's unethical to continue to go home when you resent her for going. That's on you. So you hear me say all the time, choose guilt over resentment every time. And so practice this year. I think I've said on the show every September, my fam, my wife and I send an email out to the family. Here's what our travel plans are going to be for Thanksgiving and Christmas. And it's usually based on a conversation my wife and I have. What's the

trap? What's my travel season been like? What's her writing season been like? What's our kids like schedules been like? And what's our financial situation this year? Like, what are we going to do? But we get to pick that. And then if my mom decides to get super angry and mad, she's a grown woman. She gets to do that. That's her choice. That's not, I can't fix that for her.

And if you listen to the language that you're speaking, you're still an 11-year-old little girl trying to figure out how to make mom okay. And I want you to hear me say, you can't. You never could. And boy, here's my promise. If you broke up with that boyfriend and you moved back home, mom would have a comment about your weight. Mom would have a comment about your job. Mom would wonder why you're driving that car.

Mom would wonder why, because that finish line's always going to move because your mom's not okay with who your mom is and she's dubbed you the person to make it right and you can't you see what i'm saying i do i just i feel guilty thinking about i know you do leaving her i guess you're leaving her. She left you a long time ago, Ashley. She's using you now to feel better about herself. She doesn't love the Ashley that is living her life in Little Rock, Arkansas. She loves the version of Ashley that she wants Ashley to be so that she can tell people at the Rotary Club. I don't know if she goes to Rotary Club, but whatever. Right?

Yeah. You're a chess piece in her game. And do I think she loves you? Of course she does. Do I think she's an exhausted, abused woman? Absolutely, yes. Has she been through hell? No question about it.

But that's her work to choose to do. And by the way, I don't think this has to be some big announcement, some big grandiose talk. I think it's, hey, we're not traveling this year for the holidays. We'll FaceTime in and we're really going to miss you. And if that causes a lot of drama,

then she gets to, I mean, that's her drama to cause. And if she really wants to sit down and have a conversation, we can do that in person. We can do that if she wants to come visit or maybe on the phone. Mom, you've made it super clear for the last four years.

You don't like me. You don't like my life. You didn't like me when I was 11 and I wasn't able to defend you. You haven't ever liked me. So let's stop the dance and the charade. If we want to build something new, a new mother-daughter relationship, I'm all in. But I'm tired of you thinking less of me. I'm tired of you not liking me. I'm tired of you not loving me for who I am. I'm tired. And stop carrying that brick around.

There is no way through this. Let me say it this way. You're going to have to choose your hard path. There's no easy path out. You can choose your heart and go to Thanksgiving and Christmas and have her not like you and have her go through the things and complain about everything. And why didn't you, oh my gosh, can you believe your dad that one time? You can do that. That's hard. That's a hard way to live. Or you can do another hard thing, which is to make some pretty firm boundaries, treat her with love and dignity and respect. And at the same time, treat yourself with love and dignity and respect and go about living a life that's going to make you whole.

Not go on living a life that you can try to play whack-a-mole with your mom's emotions and feelings and try to make her feel good about her life. You can't But there is no easy path there's no way that you feel feel super great But just because you don't feel great doesn't mean it's not the right move I'm going to send you a copy of building a non-anxious life. I want you to read this book For you for the first time for you.

I want you to begin to look at these choices, these six daily choices you can make. How can I begin to invite warmth and laughter and joy and peace into my home? I think for you, it's going to be starting with owning reality, choosing reality, choosing this fact that like, this is what I got and I got to choose to do something different.

I wish I had like some like, oh yeah, just call her and say this, but that's not the way this works. It's you deciding, I'm going to choose reality. I'm going to take ownership of my life. And if mom's opted out, I hate that. I got to grieve it, but I want more from me. You're worth that. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt

anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we're back. As we wrap up today's show, we got, am I the problem? It's me, right? Yep.

Awesome. I'm super ready. And we have some people who came at the show last night and they're here, so we'll let them weigh in too. All right, I'm not reading this person's name. She asked us not to. Okay, hold on. Thumbs up if she's the problem.

Thumbs down if she's not the problem, okay? All right, go. All right. I'm really struggling with the thought of doing Christmas this year with my in-laws. My husband and I have been doing Christmas with them every year for the past six years. It's the only time that we go to see them, and I dread it every year. They don't do anything special for the holidays. No decorations, specialty foods, Christmas music, movies, etc. The house is usually really dirty and there's never any food prepared. The hardest part of the whole visit is that no one ever asks about how our life is going. If we bring up exciting news about something important to us,

they quickly get back to a story about them or completely disregard what we say. They know so little about our lives and it breaks my heart for my husband. He can't share anything with his own family. It also stresses out my husband when we go see them. He often says he misses his family, but then every time we go, he gets very anxious. I've talked to him about skipping this year, and he became very sad when I brought it up.

Am I the jerk for wanting to skip Christmas with them this year? Yeah. No, she's not. She's not. In fact, I would say you're a wife that deeply loves her husband. And it's kind of like if every time you ate at a restaurant

that only served tacos and your husband got tacos and he got firebomb diarrhea every time, you'd finally start saying like, hey, let's stop going to that restaurant. Except this time, that restaurant is his family and he goes every year and he gets sick and he gets anxious and he gets worked up

and he wants to share his life with them. She said something in there. She feels so bad that he can't. That he can't share parts of his life with them. And he gets anxious. Yeah, that he says he often misses his family, but then every time we go see them, he gets very anxious. He doesn't miss his family.

He's grieving the fact that he wanted his family to want to be, he wanted them to be interested in his life and they're not. And so the only thing I would tell her, instead of saying, hey, let's don't do this, provide an alternative vision for, I really want to go do this. I want this year. So I like to, I have this thing like every year,

I want to go see this family and this family and this family and do these things. And I love going. This isn't my house at all, but the travel part's what wears me out because I'm running around. And it was when my wife, it was last year, my wife said not, hey, let's just don't travel this year.

You're burned out. I would have felt guilty about that. I'd be like, no, I'm not going to not see my family. They're amazing because I'm whatever. Instead, she said, hey, this year I'd be like, no, I'm not going to not see my family. They're amazing because I'm whatever. Instead, she said, hey, this year I'd really love if just me and you and the kids got a hotel for a couple of nights at this place in Nashville and we just had a fun time. And she said that, I had a picture of that and I was like, oh, that sounds incredible, right? And so it wasn't me not doing this thing. It was us doing this thing together.

And so provide an alternative picture. Don't just burn one to the ground, but provide something else that we can go to, not we can just go from. I think going towards something is always more sustainable and joyful than not doing. Sometimes you have to not do it to stay alive, but man, there's more life giving going towards them. So that's what I think.

What do you think? Yeah. Oh, a hundred percent. Yeah. I think. What do you think? Yeah? Oh, 100%. Yeah. I think they've made it clear that they don't. And how awful to go to someone who there's no celebration. There's no food. I mean, that's the holidays.

I know. Yeah. Why is that different than any other time of year? Exactly. Hey, and everybody voted correctly. Way to go, y'all. That's awesome. All right.

Hey, thank y'all for joining us. Be nice to each other. Go pick up Building an Unanxious Life and make your holiday plans right now and choose guilt over resentment. If this isn't the year to go, if this is not the year to buy gifts, if this isn't the year,

take ownership of that, be kind and respectful, and send the messages. And then feel it. It's going to feel real good. I love y'all. Bye.