The Dr. John Delony Show - I’m Tired of Letting My Past Ruin My Future

Episode Date: September 23, 2022

On today’s show, we talk with: - A man dealing with past trauma who’s at risk of losing his marriage. (1:16) - A woman plagued with mom-guilt. (23:55) - A son trying to understand why his relationship with his mom feels impossible. (41:36) Lyrics of the Day: "Friday I'm in Love" - The Cure Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Don't like myself, don't like my job, stressed with the kids and the wife. Life just sucks. Did your parents beat you up as a kid or neglect you or leave you on the outside? Yeah. Okay. That sucks and they shouldn't have done that. Your wife doesn't deserve that exact same treatment that was done to you, does she? No. doesn't deserve that exact same treatment that was done to you does she no what's up this is john with the dr john deloney show making magic here on the youtubes and the podcasts and the internets so glad that you joined us for the greatest health and wellness

mental health relationship podcast ever in the history of the digital medium, which is a very short history, a very short, convoluted, messy history. We're so glad that you're with us.

Hey, if you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. And don't forget to go pick up Own Your Past, Change Your Future. Pick it up at johndeloney.com or pretty much anywhere, but go there.

All right, let's go to Greenville, South Carolina and talk to D-Money. David, what's up, David? Oh, not much, John. Glad to be on the number one healthcare podcast. Not healthcare, man I don't know much about that Not healthcare, but mental health There you go

Hey, if you say it long enough It just happens, it's incredible So I'm just going to keep repeating that Despite most of the evidence to the contrary What's up, man? And since you don't do horse noises anymore Listen, the amount of meetings we had over the horse noises, I'm still in therapy over that, but it's good. Thank you for remembering where my heart used to be before Kelly took it away.

Hey, so what's up? So my question for you is how do I heal from childhood trauma when I don't even really remember things from my childhood? Give me the context for this. There's a reason why you're calling. What's popping up? What about the way you're responding to things in your current life you don't like? So I have a bad temper. Um, don't like myself. Don't like my job, uh, stress with the kids and the wife. Um, you know, life just sucks. Hmm. What about it sucks, man? I mean, just everything. My marital relationship sucks. My relationship with my kids sucks. My relationship with my parents now sucks. I don't have a relationship with either of my brothers growing up. and my younger brother when we were all children. And I, you know, we had a family motto, I swear.

It was, you know, things are need to know and you don't need to know because I wasn't told anything about what happened to either of them until adulthood. Okay. You know, my younger brother.

Why does that make you mad right now? Like the way you're describing it is you're put out about it. Were they supposed to pull you in a room as an eight-year-old and be like, hey, I just want to let you know that your brother was sexually assaulted? What were you expecting? So my brother went to jail over what happened to him and then what he did five or six years later. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. He went to jail because of what he did. Right. Right. Um, and like, there was no,

you know, he's just gone and there's no, you know, explanation of why he's not there other than your brother was assaulted, he assaulted somebody else. You know, and that was pretty much it. No, do you need to talk about this with somebody? You know, the kid that he assaulted was in the neighborhood. You knew him.

You weren't really friends with him, but you knew him. Yeah. Okay, so bring me to right now. All the things you just mentioned, there's one common denominator. What is it? So I guess me.

Yeah. So what is it going on in you that makes you both believe and act like you're not worth having a good marriage, you're not worth being a good employee, or you're not worth a job that's worth a crap, you're not worth having a good relationship with your brothers or your kids? What is it about you that radiates that out everywhere? I really don't know. You do. Why don't you like you? You know the answer to that question,

and you've never said it out loud, so say it. Why don't you like you? You know, I don't know. I honestly do not know. I mean, it's, it's, I thought about it. I've read, I've read your book and I'm, I'm stumbling through it. And I'm just like, you know, I really don't know. I have this lack of self-awareness, you know? But something, but, but something is holding you back from going to get it, right? Like I was a bumbling idiot when I got married.

And then my wife said, these things have to be different. And I thought, A, I'm worth more than this. B, I value my marriage. C, I'm desperately in love with this woman and I want this to work. And so that left me with two options, do nothing and blow it up or go learn some new tools. But something's holding you back and it has for a long time. What is it? I honestly don't know.

Okay. So here's where you find yourself. I don't know. And you're standing there and everything around you is on fire. Is that fair? Yeah. Okay. If you happen to be in a home and you find that it's on fire

and you run to the next room and it's on fire and you run into the kitchen and it's on fire, sitting there and trying to figure out who did this and what happened and where's the short

is a dangerous game, right? Right. The best thing to do is to get out of that house and try to figure out how to put the fire out. It might be that you can do it yourself with hoses. It might be that you need to call some professionals in to help you. And then when the smoke clears, then you go through and you pick up the pieces and then you figure out what comes next. Okay?

So trying to figure out what happened when you're a child right now, maybe that's not the best use of your time. I have a feeling that you don't need any more time thinking. That you've been thinking and talking and really talking crap to yourself for a long, long, long time and getting mad at other people. The way that it was presented to you about your brother gives me one little pinhole of light into the way your home functioned,

which is our problems are because of everybody else. Which may have turned you into a 47-year-old or a 50-year-old. How old are you? 47 a 47-year-old or a 50-year-old. How old are you? 47. 47-year-old. Everything. It must be something from my childhood because I just, my family, man.

Go back to that book you read and just look at the title. Own it. This is where I am. And then you have to ask yourself that terrifying, scary question. What am I going to do now? And that's not like, let's overthink this. Let's start

changing our actions right now. So give me a thing you could do right now that would improve your relationships. Learn how to show love. I don't know how to show emotion. Too hard. Too hard.

Stop yelling. Stop yelling. Quit yelling at people who love you. I don't even think I'm yelling. I'm like, you're saying you're angry. And I'm like, I'm not angry. I'm just trying to. I you're saying you're angry. And I'm like, I'm not angry. I'm just trying to say you're angry. At the beginning of the call,

you were like, I can hear the anger in your voice. I'm like, I don't have any anger in my voice, but maybe I do. And just don't feel it. Okay. So what you know now is you have a feeling that tells you one thing and

you've got empirical data that tells you something else. And so cool. I I'm gonna trust you. Does your wife tell you, hey, I don't like the way you're talking to me or I just wanna, she does things that are gonna go a little bit to the right because she doesn't wanna fight you anymore? All the time.

Okay, let that be a cue and say, cool, I've got something I got to work on. I'm clearly not seeing it, but I do trust her. Do you trust her? Yeah. Okay. Okay. If you listen to your body, dude, it will let you know.

When's the last time you got worked up and you got angry about something? Trying to think of one. I know there's been one in the last couple of days, I'm sure. Something led to this phone call. What was it? Just where my wife and I are at. Where are you? And I mean, we're so close to divorce, it's not funny.

Why? Because she says that she needs emotional intimacy and I don't even understand what she's talking about. I don't know how to give it to her. I don't know what it is. Have you gone kicking in the doors of a local therapist saying, I need to learn this now because I'm about to lose everything? Yeah. Yeah, we actually were in counseling with a therapist,

and it was, I don't know if he was just trying to make more money. He sucked. Okay, cool. I've got an appointment today with another one. There you go, man. Now you're talking. And if you lead that with, I need to who are struggling with emotional intimacy have been told since they were very, very young, that doesn't hurt, suck it up, get up.

Yeah. Right? Yeah. They've been told since they were zero that you don't really know how your body feels, I do. It didn't hurt, get going. Nobody wants to hug you. If you hug somebody, it's because you're this

or you're that, or you're some kind of little pains, get up, right? And so men are socialized to divorce themselves from emotions. And then they get married and their partner says, that's all I care about from you. And then we're standing there going, oh, I don't know what to do.

Right? So, dude, this is just a set of skills, man. It's a set of skills. And if you went to a mechanic and the mechanic did a terrible job, you wouldn't have an existential crisis about it. You would just take your car somewhere else. And you would let your friends know, I'm not going to use that mechanic anymore. Let this be the same thing with your therapist. Is that fair? Yeah. You got to learn some skills, man.

There's something beneath the emotional intimacy though. What is it? I really don't know. I mean, I just, you know. Why are you about to divorce her? I'm not. I mean, I don't want to give up,

but, you know, she's hurt. I hurt her in the past. I was an asshole many years ago. I know that. And, you know, we got into an argument the other day, and she brought something up that, you know, to me, it's 12 years old. It's, you know, a long time ago, and I'm past it. And she's like, I just want an apology. And I'm like, now if I give you one, it's not heartfelt.

Why? Why would that be your response, David? What are you protecting? Listen, you have such a core ego that is so thin that you are protecting. You've layered shame and you've layered tough guy and you've layered a very immature exterior core ready to bite anybody that comes after that little kid inside. Why? Were you sexually abused as a kid? I don't think so.

Okay. Then let it ride. Did your parents beat you up as a kid or neglect you or leave you on the outside? Yeah. Okay. That sucks and they shouldn't have done that. And your wife doesn't deserve that exact same treatment that was done to you does she No, and your kids don't either do they?

No They learn a few new skills man and practice the hell out of them When your body hurts or you find yourself getting angry or you start to say something like Well, i'm not gonna apologize because it won't even be real why stop How is that ever a good answer to the woman that you love? Outside of taking a knee and saying, or instead of taking a knee and saying, honey, for 12 years, I didn't know you were carrying this around. I'm sorry. Why wouldn't you mean that? I don't know. I guess I just, I'm tired of the past in my future. I'm just

ready to move past it. That's fair. That is absolutely fair. And the moment you own it and take responsibility for what you can, you can be through with it. Forgetting about it and ignoring it doesn't work. Carrying around those bricks of anger about your parents, they didn't tell you something when you were 14. Okay, here's the deal. They screwed up. They should have sat you down and said,

your brother did something terrible and he hurt a kid in the neighborhood and now he's gone to jail. They should have done that and they didn't. And now there's a period at the end of that sentence. And the more you revisit that sentence and say, they should have done this.

And I wish that, man, all you're doing is gearing your body up for a war that it can't fight. And so you become the only casualty over and over again. Your parents screwed up, man, period. Now what? See what I'm saying yeah and I'm telling you this because I love you man and I'm tired of it breaks my heart that you carry this

around with you your brother did something evil and I'm sorry and something was done to your other brother man that ripples through families in a way that few people can understand and I'm sorry. And something was done to your other brother. Man, that ripples through families in a way that few people can understand. And I'm sorry. And now what?

What keeps you from exercising five times a week? What keeps you from going to sleep? What keeps you from asking your wife, hey, what does today look like? How can I best love you today? What keeps you from taking each one of your kids out by themselves and saying, so the first half of our time together,

I haven't done so great, but I'm learning. And I'm gonna start by saying, I'm sorry. And I'm gonna start by saying, I love you. Can I hold you for a minute? Yeah, I've done that. Okay. So. No, dude.

It's not, I did that. So it's not a checklist, man. It's a way of being. Do you not want to? Are you out? No, I don't want to be out. I just, I feel like I just can't do it. You, ah, you can.

You can. You want to win the championship and you don't want to go to the weight room. No, I don't want to go to the weight room. No, I don't want to go to the weight room. I will not deny that. You want to be standing up there holding that big trophy, but you don't want to go on the team retreat, and you don't want to eat right,

and you don't want to fill in the blank. And as a guy who's dealt with my fair share of trauma, I'm telling this from one guy to another. So imagine you and I just sitting at a table, having a beer and I'm looking at you and I want you to hear me say this. That's immature, man. It's time. Yeah.

It's time. And yes, I can tell you that your wife is worth it and your kids are worth it and all that stuff, but you, David, and I hate the fact that no one's ever told you that, but they haven't, and here we are. So what comes next? Give me a David identity. I mean, honestly, David feels like a loser idiot. No, no, no, no, no. Who's David going to be? Who's David going to become?

I don't know if David can do it. He can. I've seen it too many times and I've held too many people's hands in the black hole covered in ash you can will you I'm gonna try

what does that mean means I'm gonna try what does that mean means I'm gonna tell my wife how sorry I am tell my kids again will you tell David you leave David out of this man you love your wife and your kids

way more than David and I'm you've got to be able to look in the mirror and see value I don't okay that's fair

but just talking to you for 15 minutes I'm telling you you got value whether you see it or not but just talking to you for 15 minutes, I can tell you, you got value. Whether you see it or not. And I think if there's one theme of this call, it's that for any number of reasons, probably multiple reasons,

your body's feelings, your body's alarm systems that go off when it feels unsafe or threatened are out of tune. Either the batteries have worn down on some of them or they are super hypersensitive and they are there to protect you from fights that you're not even having. And it's important that you get people around you

that can help be your compass for a while while those things retune. It's a chore to relearn that stuff. Make no mistake. But it's not a chore to just start each day with asking. How can I love you today? And I don't care what you feel like when she says, man, it'd really help if you help with the dishes and you help with this and got kids off to school. And it would mean a lot to me if you would run to the gym for 15 minutes and just

work off some of that. It'd mean a lot to me if you'd apply for a new job because I hate what this job's doing to you. And your first thought is, I don't feel like any of that. It'd mean a lot to me if you'd apply for a new job because I hate what this job's doing to you. And your first thought is, I don't feel like any of that. It's not even going to be true to me, bro. Just do it anyway, man. Okay. Okay. But in...

I'd love... You've heard me talk about the twin towers right yep I would love for you to take your wife out somewhere for lunch or dinner tonight and tell her that same thing that you want to build something new and you're willing to do what it takes

yeah I don't think she'll believe me we've actually talked about it that's fine does she have reason to believe you at this point no okay you can tell her that

and then it's gonna take a deck of note cards my brother go get a deck of note cards for 95 cents at Walgreens or Walmart or something and just write out here's what I'm going to do tomorrow.

And then here's what I'm going to do the next day after that. I wish it was more complicated than that, man, and it's not. And yes, it's going to be really important for you to go talk to a counselor because you got some stuff to unwind and some skills to learn, which is great. But in the meantime, let's just commit to acting. Let's do it for 30 days, man. Can you do it for 30 days? Yeah. Will you make me that promise? I'll make you that promise. Okay. Will you holler back at me in 30 days after this? I can do that. Okay. I'm going to call it a deal. You're going to holler back at me in 30 minutes,

I mean, in 30 days after this, and we're going to see how it is. Okay? And if your wife wants to call, I'd love to talk to her too. Here's my deal. You are the brave name and face of millions, millions of men in the United States who are done. They're exhausted. They're tired. They're just done. And as a guy with a 12-year-old little boy and a six-year-old little girl, I can't have you cash out, man.

I need you. We need you. We need you. You need you. So I'll walk alongside you. If you keep being brave and keep taking the next step, you could get yourself a cheap pack of note cards and say, today I'm gonna start doing stuff different. I'm gonna fake it till I make it.

I'm gonna act different. I'm gonna do what I gotta do to learn this new set of skills so I don't lose my wife and I don't lose my kids and I don't repeat the cycle. At some point, we stop and say, I'm going to stare this sucker down. That's courage, my brother. I'm proud of you, David. 30-day challenge. Here we go. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new home buyer right now, my advice to you is

to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their home buyer edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillmortgage.com slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today.

The magic of not live radio. Let's see here. All right, let's go to Nicole in Colorado Springs. What's up, Nicole? Not much. How's it going? Good, good, good, good. Okay, that's much, much, much's see here. All right, let's go to Nicole in Colorado Springs. What's up, Nicole? Not much. How's it going? Good, good, good, good. Okay.

That's much, much, much, much better. Um, so what's up? Um, we, my husband and I, we are expecting our second baby early next year. Awesome. And we are super excited about that, but I am having a lot of anxiety about sending this baby to daycare. Our first baby was a pandemic baby. So there was so much anxiety around that. And we dropped her off at seven weeks old. We were sleeping a couple hours a night and it was possibly the worst day of my life. I don't know if I want to do that again, but I have a different job now and I love it.

My career is back on track after pandemic. I love my coworkers. I have a great team, flexible schedule. Like everything is going so well. And I just, I've looked up all the research and I don't know, is there a good time to send a baby to daycare? Is daycare really the gulag for children? Like, is there a way I can have it all?

That is the magic question. That's the magic question. Hey, I'm laughing. I used to, so I worked at universities. I would work in housing and I would help with move-in every year. And I would just hug these dads who dropped their kids off and they would be, I mean, these big, tough Texas dudes and they would be boo-hooing. And I would just, my eyes would be rolling out of the back of my head, like, oh my gosh. And then when Hank came along, he was like

six weeks or six months or something. And I drove him to like a Tuesday, Thursday school at some local church in my community. And I sat in the parking lot and wept. It was like coming to an end, man. I remember that day so, so much, man. Jeez Louise. All right. Here's what I want to do. I want to avoid the first half of your question. Okay. Here's why. There's so much competing drama when it comes to research. Yes. drama when it comes to gender equity discussions and fairness and what the workplace, quote unquote, owes us and is it best for our kid, et cetera, right?

There's so much stuff around that, right? And then there's the other complicating factor. Here's what i think i think that if we say out loud ideally somebody stay a parent stays with that kid yeah then the millions and millions and millions of people who can't afford to do that yeah get thrown into a shame blender. And so instead of having that hard conversation, everybody just stays away from the conversation, right? So here's what I'm saying. It doesn't matter what my opinion is

on that particular part of it. What's more important is the second part of your question. Can you have it all? And so hear me say this, you know this and maybe it will help to have some just a male say it out loud maybe that will help i don't know if it will yeah um you have entered into an industrial guilt complex that is designed intentionally

to make you as a modern woman who is a mother and an extraordinary professional never be able to put both feet on the ground. No. Because if you put both feet on the ground, you'll quit buying crap and you'll quit reading everything.

Seriously, I'm totally serious. The way to keep a mother off kilter and buying things is to tell her you are failing your kid. And then you stay home and then to tell her immediately, you are failing generations of women who went before you and fought for the right for you to go do that. What are you doing? Right? There's no way to win. And when you're at home, you're looking at the best way to do this I'm gonna approach it like a career and then you realize

oh there's no way to you can't win right I mean there's just so and then I'm just gonna I'm gonna approach a career I'm gonna find a great sitter

I'm gonna find a great nanny whatever and the whole time you're like wow huh that meeting was more important than my kid

yes oh this meeting was way more important than spending an hour with. And then you sit with your kid, and it's the most boring time ever. It's the worst. It's the worst. And then at the end of that boring

hour, your kid just craps everywhere. And you think, I would have done way better if I was at work, like doing things that contributed to it. So, right, so you know all this stuff. I'm just saying it out loud so you know you're not crazy. Yeah. There's not a way to win. And to answer your So, you know, all this stuff, I'm just saying it out loud. So, you know, you're not crazy. Yeah. There's not a way to win.

And to answer your question, no, you cannot have it all. Unless you are a bajillionaire. And most of us are not. Are you one of those? We are not. We are in a good place.

Like we could make it like, we could make it without my income. Like we just wouldn't have the extra to save, et cetera, et cetera. Okay. Is that a true statement or is that a dramatic statement? Meaning we could make it. If you changed your life up, would y'all be just fine? Oh yeah. A hundred percent.

Like I'm always skeptical when people are like, well, we can't afford it. I'm like, I want to see the numbers. We are dedicated. We could do it. They are there. I've talked to a bunch of them that I look at it and say, I don't know how you can stay in this state, unfortunately. Yeah, 100%. I have friends that are that way.

And that's where, like you said, the guilt thing. It just never stops. It's ridiculous to do to people who are like, oh my God, you don't stay home with your kid. It's like, well, some people don't have the option. And so I would have the option. I think it's better for my mental health and my sanity to at least work part time. So I think that's what I'm leaning towards. Would it be like, I keep wanting to go back to the research because I've read so many articles. Would it be better to find an in-home daycare provider if we could versus a daycare center? Like I love our daycare and our daughter has a great routine. I can always count on them to be

there. Like she's so smart. I think I, I don't have any of that data in front of me. Okay. Just been off the top of my head. I know how important routine and environment is. I also know how important stimulation and social engagement is. And so I can flip a coin on that one right now. Now, somebody may send me, and if it's out there, feel free to email it to me.

The last literature I read, and I don't even know when the study was published, and I don't even know the efficacy of the study, had some correlation between moms who stay at home and like test scores when the kid was in 10th grade or something like that. Yeah. And so, fine, fair, cool.

I think it's gonna come... Oh, now you're getting a whole other soapbox. Here's the deal. I know, I know. More data is not a good antidote to anxiety. Okay. That's what I do.

I know it is. I know it is. You are going to article yourself to death and never truly ask yourself, what do I want to do? And then here's the scariest thing, and we are not taught this skill in our modern world. Live with the consequences of our choices. Yeah. And so at some

point, you're going to put the articles down, stop taking your girlfriends out to coffee and saying, okay, what do you think? Like, how did it work for you? You have to stop all that. You have to quit going on walks with your husband at night going, but I think and I don't know. And he's just like, I don't know, just pick something, right? Exactly. At some point, you're going to have to exhale and say, what I want counts. I am a good mom and I'm a really good employee. Here's what I think is best for this particular season right now.

And I'm going to give it a shot for six months. And if it's an absolute disaster, great. I got some more data. And which you happen to just love, love, love. Just like me, by the way. And I'm then going to move on. And I'm going to go back to work full time. And it's going to hurt, but it's right.

Or I'm going to stay at home full time. And it's going to hurt, and it's right. Or I'm going to stay at home full time and it's going to hurt and it's right. Or I'm going to muddle through it and I'm going to work part time. You're making a choice right this second that is not a forever choice. It's the best choice to make right now. For you, your husband, your family, these kids. I mean, you know what I mean? Yeah. And so take the burden off of,

if I do this one thing wrong, it's all, it's not. It's not. Is that fair? Yeah. That little kid's going to love you. Who told you that what you want doesn't count? Oh, it's something my therapist and I have been working on for quite a while now. So what does your therapist think you should do?

Generally, we've just gotten better about me getting clear about what I want. Okay. And then telling the people close to me what I want. And that includes my parents and my husband. Wait, wait, wait. Why? Why would you tell them? Why would you tell anybody in the world other than your husband?

Because some of the decisions would involve my parents. And so if we have expectations, they're like, these are the needs that I need you to meet. Or these are our boundaries. Those are the things that I would need to tell them. Can I save you the next 20 years of sadness and guilt and shame and all that?

Your parents don't get a vote. I take them out of your voting machine. And that one hurt. I know. Because we've been doing that one for a while. I know. Take them out. They don't get a vote.

Because parents, there's a lot that goes into that. And you'll learn this as you have your own kids, but they have different reasons for making different decisions and you can love them and honor them and listen. And then you got to do what's best for you and your husband and they don't get a vote. Yeah. You know what I mean? You may invite them into a certain situation or a certain moment or a certain conversation, which is wonderful and great. But at the end of the day, you and your husband make this call. And then you can let them know, hey, here's what we're going to do.

We'd love you to be involved here. And then they get to make grown-up decisions and say, we're not going to be a part of that. And that's going to hurt and sting and be sad and all that stuff. And then we're going to move on with our lives. Yeah. Right? Will you say it out loud? Yeah.

They don't get a vote? They don't get a vote. And we're working on canceling the inter-dialogue too. No. Because I grew up with daycare is for bad mom, and it's morally superior to home with your kid, no matter what it costs you. Right.

I'm sorry you're carrying that stuff around. Thank you. Those stories you were born into and the stories people told you, because those stories become the ones you tell yourself. Right? Yeah. Yeah.

So here's the deal. Those stories were told to you and they have a period at the end of them. Right? Those stories were told to you And they have a period at the end of them Right? Those stories were told They happened Now you can spend a whole bunch of energy Trying to go back and edit those sentences

Or you can Do the one thing that your Two little kids And your husband are desperate for you to do Which is to Spend your energy writing new sentences Here's what comes Here's what comes next.

Is that cool? That's cool. For whatever it's worth, I talked to a lot of folks behind closed doors who are struggling and it's not rare that I talk to a parent that I have to report, we have to call,

we have to get involved with. And so hear me say this, your two kids are really lucky to have you. Thank you. Real lucky. Now go make the right choice and don't screw this up, Nicole. No pressure. No pressure. Look, hey, give yourself six months, okay? Okay. Give yourself six months and say, I'm going to work part-time. I'm going to work from home for six months. And then I'm going to reimagine it. My friend Eva, who's a writer, who's brilliant, she worked with me for the last couple of years.

She was one of the few people in what I would call in my trust circle. I would write a talk and that she would say, John, this isn't funny. This is dumb. You think this is so dramatic. It's not. It's just annoying. She was an absolute professional gift. And then she had baby number four. And she came back rocking and rolling. We're on to the next. And then she just went home. She had his time. And it didn't make leaving an awesome work environment easy. No. And this is the season she's chosen. And she's going to do other things and work from home.

All that to say, but see what I'm saying? Like every mom's got to make a different call. My wife has gone through various variations. And right now she's in a season. I don't expect it to last that way forever. None of us do. It's just the season right now. And sometimes it's been full time and sometimes it's 100% stay at home. It's just been a fluctuation

in time and place and season. The greatest gift you can give Nicole is some grace. Yeah. You're mean to Nicole. Stop. Hey, if your husband was out like at a TJ Maxx, because let's be honest, that's where he shops. I can already tell.

If he's hanging out at TJ Maxx and he heard somebody talk to his wife the way you do, he'd go to jail. He would go to jail. Right? Right. Don't talk to his wife like that he wouldn't marry someone who's a goofball you know what i mean yeah don't talk to your kid's mom that way yeah give nicole some grace and give nicole some trust okay and i know those are hard you gotta practice those things because they're tough those Those are hard. You got to practice. We're getting better. I know, but listen, and you can tell your counselor I said this.

A lot of my colleagues in the mental health profession do a lot of thinking and talking about thinking. At some point, you got to start doing and then practicing, okay? Yeah. So make a call and sit with it for a few days. Are you going to quit your job? and then practicing. Okay? Yeah. Yeah. So make a call and sit with it for a few days. Are you going to quit your job? No. You're not?

No. Okay. Are you going to be a 100% full-time stay-at-home mom? No. Ta-da! Look at that. Are you going to work full-time

or part-time? I think part-time or part-time? I think part-time Ta-da Now, here's what's beautiful about that You, Nicole, are going to disappoint everybody So great Yes, I am You're going to disappoint your parents

You're going to disappoint your workplace You're going to disappoint everybody Except for the four people that it actually matters for True Right? Right Congratulations, Nicole Thank you for people that actually matters for. True. Right? Right. Congratulations, Nicole. Thank you.

I mean, honestly, you're a free woman. Congratulations. And put a note on the calendar six months from the day your baby's born and say, we're going to revisit this. We're going to revisit this in month five and that gives us about 30 days to talk about how's it going, how do we feel? How's our finances? We're in an incredibly fortunate

position right now financially. And then we'll reimagine it and go from there. Low pressure, low pressure. And to everybody listening, I will do this. I'll make the commitment to get into that scholarship. I do get that question with some regularity. and so i'll dig into it and i'll i'll i'm not afraid of the conversation about it um i don't want to wade into a bunch of social drama around the science of it around the shame of it around what might be optimal versus what people have to do to survive, right? And there's just all that gets dumped into a big bucket and then people just want to throw grenades

and I'm not interested in that. But I will dig into it. And to all you moms out there, I'm sorry that we've created a world that is focused solely on making you feel guilty. So you buy stuff to feel a little bit less guilty. My hope and prayer and dream for you guys is y'all, we rally around and create a world

where y'all can feel free to trust yourselves and to listen to yourselves and to act on that. And then to say that, I tried that. I didn't like it. I'm gonna try something else. And then we celebrate that. And we don't go, ooh, told you. And soon to be grandma and grandpa.

Your guilt doesn't help. Let's just dial it back about 40 or 50%. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season.

And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering

therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp.

Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Let's go out to Chris in Gainesville, Florida. What's up, Chris? Not too much, Dr. John. It's an honor to speak with you.

Thank you for taking my call. It's an honor to talk to you, brother. What's up, man? So I'll be brief, give you a little background, and then I guess we can go where the conversation leads. So over time, my relationship with my mom has degraded to the point that I no longer wish to have a relationship with her. How old are you? I'm 40. 40, okay.

How old is she? She is 70. Okay, cool. Thanks, man. So I feel that as the years have gone on that my family and I are less and less of a priority. But what stops me is she's still my mom. But even when we travel to go back home or even when I see her name come up on a phone call, I instantly gain anxiety. And it's to a point to, it's not crippling, but it's to a point to where I, I feel I'm uncomfortable even afterwards or

even leading up to travel. Um, so I've read your book, um, own your past, change your future. And, um, this brick has been in my backpack for years. Um, but given, given the nature of who it is, I need some help learning how to set it down and let it go. Cool, man. Um, I really, man, I appreciate that call. Uh, you are not alone, my brother in that one. So thanks for, um, having the courage to reach out. Um, what did your mom do? Uh, so she's not professional. what did she do to you so what does she do to you um so i am uh i'm an active duty service member so unfortunately my family is an army rat family in tow uh so we've we've moved all around the country and we still continue to uh but for the longest time wait a minute wait a minute what do you you mean, unfortunately? Well, so it's a path that I chose, and my family's been along for the ride,

and they have been extremely supportive through the whole ordeal. Did you tell your wife you were going to work at Home Depot, and then suddenly you came home and you're like, surprise, I enlisted? So, no, a funny story with how I my wife uh not even two months after my deployment to iraq and uh and she was she was on board with a soldier from right then and there so no it wasn't a surprise so she chose you too she did so she chose this life she did and your kids are gonna get to see all parts of the country in the world and meet all kinds of new people and learn from different adults and children their own age? Oh, they are.

That's incredible. No more ever saying unfortunately. Cool? Yes, sir. I grew up in the same home, in the same town, on the same street, in the same place, and I had a great childhood. And it's also terrifying for me to be away from my house right which is a makes it tough to live in a modern world so i liked being stable i also wish man i'd gotten some opportunities to go out and see some stuff so it's going to be six

way up does in another your kids are lucky to have you cool yes All right. Back to it. Sorry for the interruption. Oh, no, no problem at all. Okay. So what, what does, why does your mom make you anxious? What does she do, man? So it stemmed from, I would say even, even back when, when I was in college. So we, so some background on that. So my, my mother and father divorced after 40 years, just a few years back. But in reality, even myself and my siblings, we thought if it was going to happen, it should have happened 20 years ago. So we were not a close-knit family that drifted apart. I think we've kind of just had this dynamic for years, uh, to the extent to where, like, I, I just, I never enjoyed going home. My, my sister graduated from college and she had an apartment and her relationship went south and she moved back home at 25 and is still there today.

So what made you uncomfortable when you went back? People whining and complaining about everything. Are they poking at you? Are they saying, man, you're getting fat or why you have a beard or you never even come around anymore? Ooh, goody two-shoes. What was it about the things that you showed up to? So it was always for holidays, but for the longest time, me and my family, we lived 45 minutes away. But my family only made it a priority to come over on holidays. Uh, but, uh, I guess it's a social media to me has just been like a, a terrible enabler as well, because on

social media, um, my mom would, would then decide to post stuff that, Oh, I miss my grandkids or I miss my family so much, but she doesn't call for birthdays. She will post on Facebook or even as her own son, I would get a text on my birthday at 10 PM at night because I think she may have seen something on social media to remember that, oh, it's my son's birthday. Yeah. So before your parents got divorced, you mentioned about college. Take me back to middle school. What was middle school like in your house? Middle school wasn't too bad.

What does that mean? So around that time, my brother was in high school. So with me being in middle school, um, I guess, so there was a significant family event. My, uh, my brother was in a terrible car accident that, uh, that put him in the hospital for quite some time. Um, so that shifted the family dynamic a little bit, but, um, my, my dad has always kind of been distant. He's an outdoorsy person. My mom wasn't. Um, so like my dad was, he was more of a weekend dad because he would, uh, he would stay, he would probably, he would stay out on the farm in the

cabin through the week. Cause that's what he enjoyed to do. But then we, we got together on the weekends. And after your brother's accident, did mom dial up the anxiety in the house? A little bit, and it took a while to figure that out. So my brother passed away back in 2009 from an accidental overdose, and my mom couldn't handle it. We all struggled pretty hard, but it was only then when we learned, because my mom almost died of a prescription pill overdose that she had battled with prescription meds ever since my brother was in an accident in the 90s. So just for the sake of brevity, you've probably heard this, but if you haven't,

I'll say it anyway. Trauma can be affirmative. It can be a thing that somebody does to you. It can also be a thing that somebody kept from you that they should have given you. And connection with an adult is oxygen for a child. And so nobody put their hands around your throat, but you were suffocated as a kid. And living with an addict is like trying to hug a ghost. You see them, and every time you try to hold on tight, your hands go right through them, right? They're present with you, but they're not there. And for a kid, especially with pills, especially with pills, kids go crazy

because they see that person in front of them that they're supposed to love. And that person doesn't respond in a way that makes sense to a little kid's body. And I say little kid, I'm talking about through high school. And so it doesn't surprise me the least bit, and you and I could probably sit down, dude, and grab a drink and just talk all the way through it. But man, it doesn't surprise me for a little bit that that family system sets your body's alarms off that we're not safe here. This isn't a smart place for us to be, right? Right. And I want you to hold that tension with this thing I'm about to tell you, okay? It could be that you got a mom with a lot of guilt and a lot of shame

who looks at the world this way. My little boy left me. He had to get out of here and I understand it. So he went to the military to get away from me. And then he married somebody who was all in on the military. Now they move around every year

and I don't want to bother them. So I'm just going to, I miss them like bloody hell and I love them, but I'm just going to post about it. I'm not I love them, but I'm just gonna post about it. I'm not even gonna reach out. I don't wanna bother them. I've done enough damage for one lifetime.

I'm giving her a ton of grace when I do that, okay? Here's why I'm telling you that. It doesn't matter. What matters is this. You don't like who you become in the presence of certain people. You don't like how your body responds. You don't like the way that it makes you short

around your family. You don't like the way that your kids get dragged through your attention as you're packing up to go to a place you don't even want to be taking them. Right? All that works together. So I want you to relax and drop your shoulders and trust Chris.

I believe deeply that we need to respect our parents, even when they haven't been good to us. But that doesn't mean, that means I'm going to treat you with dignity and kindness. Sometimes the most dignified thing I can do if you're an abusive parent is not talk to you. Okay. You're holding on to a fantasy that you either need to get right smack in the middle of, or you need to let go. Is that fair? You're holding on to a fantasy that your mom is suddenly gonna loop back around and become this incredible grandmother and it's gonna become a party again maybe even your parents will get back together like you know what i mean that whole line and there's something heartbreaking like what is it about my kids you don't even call on their

birthday like what did they do right Right? You know what I mean? Yeah. So either you get in a car and go drive to her house and say, I miss my mom. And we had a terrible childhood. And I want to rebuild this relationship starting today.

And I'm going first. I moved all over the world and I miss you. And I hope you didn't take that personal, that it was something against you, something I wanted to do. And I'm a service-oriented guy. You raised me that way. I want to recreate this thing, but here's my boundaries for it. You can do that. And if you do it, golly, Chris, it's a risk, man, because she could say no. She could blame you for everything, whatever, or she might weep and say,

I'm so glad my boy came home. That could happen. The other one could be, man, give yourself some grace and some peace and set it down. Say, man, it would have been awesome to have a grandma like this that was all in on her kids, that would drive that 45-minute drive so much that we had to tell her, quit coming over because you're here all the time. And that's not the grandma my kids got. And this is the reality that I find myself in.

Which one of those sounds like a better option? The second one. Feel like you need to let it go. I do. Um, yeah. So, and that's the, that's the background. So like me and my wife are like the perfect dynamic, um, that we're opposites and I've, I've battled with it for a while. Um, and, and my wife's family are super close knit. Um, like they, uh, like her and her sister talk every single day, multiple times a day. Like she talks to her mom all the time. And I, and I realized that. So I, I did come to reality that I realized that, um, I'm not, I'm not asking for my mom to be her mom. I know, but that's where I struggle, but it'd be awesome if she was, right? It would.

Okay. It would. When you acknowledge that, you immediately will hit a water slide down into, and you've been there before as a serviceman, in that black hole of grief. Like, damn it, my mom should show up and see her grandkids and be proud of me. And she won't say those words. That's grief. I wanted this to be this way, and here's what it actually is. And if you'll sit there for a minute and probably go one step further

and write that 11- or 12-year-old, a letter letting him know, I'm sorry. You shouldn't have been dragged through this. Sorry, brother got hurt. I'm sorry, dad. He actually divorced mom 30 years ago. They started fighting 20 years ago and then they finalized it 10 years ago.

Sorry that mom was an addict and wasn't there for you. You deserve better than that. You got to connect with that kid and let him know. It's time for him to go run and play because he's 11. He doesn't need to be holding

a household together at that age because you're still trying to hold it all together now, dude. Is that fair? It is. It is. It's very fair. I'm sorry, man.

Jeez. How old are your kids? So one is 13 and the other one turned seven in two months. They're awesome? They're amazing. They are the, I couldn't have asked for better kids. And it makes no sense that somebody wouldn't want to hang out with them, does it? None whatsoever.

Okay. They're not hanging out with y'all because they're working through things. It's not because there's a problem with you. Okay. Okay. Okay. I hate that. I hate that. At some point they come back around. That's my guess. But that day is not today. We're coming up on a couple of months out from the holiday season. This may be a great year to practice and proactively let everybody know,

hey, this particular holiday season, we're going to be traveling somewhere else or we're going to be staying home this year. And so we're going to send grandma a card. kids, we're going to write this and send it and then I'm going to put that to rest. Well, and then maybe if I could, if I could interject then another question. So I think where the guilt comes from is so obviously, um, so they're back in the Midwest, um, with where I met my wife, that's where the guilt comes in about visiting is that her in like, so my in-laws, my wife's parents live six miles from my mom. And so when we go home,

that's normally where I feel I get guilted into going. Um, because that I feel that like her family will travel to come see their grandkids, but it seems like we only become a priority and we're expected to visit only when we make that effort to go all the way home. So you got two choices, man. You can not go and say, sorry guys, we're not gonna be able to make it this year. Or you can go and, I guess you got three choices. You can do that and say, sorry, we're not gonna be able to make it this year. And by the way, dude, they have cashed out their vote. They have chosen to not participate

in the functioning of this family. It's like people who don't vote and then they yell about the president. You don't get to do that if you don't play, right? And so they don't get a vote. They can yell real loud and it's annoying and it hurts, but they don't get a vote. They can yell real loud and it's annoying and it hurts, but they don't get a vote. That's one.

Number two, you can go just try to make the fantasy come true and meet all of their needs, which you know is a moving, it's a moving finish line. You can never get to the end of that line because it always moves. Because as soon as you've been there six hours and you actually had a good visit, someone's going to say,

how come you never come around anymore? You do good for us. And then, oh gosh, we're right back where we started, right? The third thing is, is you can go visit her family and have a wonderful holiday and tell your family, I will be available for lunch on this day. If y'all would like to have lunch, I would love to be there. And we'll be there from 12 to three. And those are, that's just called boundaries.

And if they say, well, we can't make it because Timmy's got a fishing tournament and Billy's going to be out, that's great. What they are doing is they are choosing not to be with you. And that hurts, especially they're going to blame you for it. Right? Right. But that's one of three options. And here's the deal.

Make peace with the choice, man. Just because it hurts doesn't mean it's wrong. But I do know this. I trust you to do what's right for your family. So do what's right for them. Do what's right for you. And be at peace, man. You're not going to be, let me say it this way.

You're not going to be able to think yourself into the right action. You're going to have to do something. And at the end of this holiday season, if you choose to not go, you choose to go all the way to the Midwest, hang out with her family and not go see your family, you'll know if that was right. You'll know. And then next year,

you have some more data and you can make a different choice. Or, you go, you do know this, you know that traveling down there and doing it makes you feel like a prostitute, right?

Yes. Yeah. So you got that piece of data. Try something else. Is that fair? It's fair, yes. Yeah, cool. Try something else. Is that fair? It's fair, yes. Yeah, cool. Try something else.

Ta-da! I should have led with that. Try something else, man. Let me say it this way. You and your family are worth having a good holiday season. And you can love your mom and respect her and not let her participate in bringing your holiday season down.

That doesn't mean you love her less. That doesn't mean you're disrespecting her. That doesn't mean whatever. Respect doesn't mean you have to do whatever somebody else says, even to your family's detriment. It doesn't. And you have to grieve the fact that you wish your mother was something that she has chosen to not be. And that hurts. And I'm sorry. And same with your dad and

same with your brother. But I will say this, I'm grateful for you. I'm grateful for the sacrifice of your family. And I trust you So you should trust you we'll be right back Hey, what's up? Deloney here Listen you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point In my new book building a a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life.

Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, man, that was a hard show. I feel like all these shows are hard. Listen, if you just bought a puppy and you want to write in and talk about it, give us a shout. If you sign it, Dog Dad, you're not on the show. Absolutely no chance. No. This is the song of the day.

You know what? I love The Cure. I love them. I love them. I love them. Robert Smith and the gang. And know what? I love The Cure. I love them. I love them. I love them. Robert Smith and the gang. And it's one of my favorite songs ever. The song is called Friday I'm in Love.

And it goes like this. I don't care if Monday's blue and Tuesday's gray and Wednesday too. Thursday, I don't care about you. It's Friday I'm in love. And Monday you can fall apart and Tuesday, Wednesday break my heart. Thursday doesn't even start. It's Friday I'm in love. And Monday, you can fall apart. And Tuesday, Wednesday, break my heart. Thursday, doesn't even start. It's Friday, I'm in love. And Saturday, wait.

And Sunday, it always comes too late. But Friday, never hesitate. And I don't care if Monday's black. Tuesday, Wednesday, heart attack. Thursday, never looking back. It's Friday, I'm in love. Have a good Friday, everybody. Stay in school. I'm in love. Have a good Friday, everybody. Stay in school.

Don't do drugs.