The Dr. John Delony Show - I’m Tired of My Husband Snapping at Me

Episode Date: September 22, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A woman tired of her husband snapping at her - A man whose wife spends hundreds every month on mobile games - A wife whose husband is afraid to leave her alone after her hospitalization To pre-order John's new book Building a Non-Anxious Life click here. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. He knows his anger issues. He's not violent in any way. Just his tone and he's just, you know, he's a big guy and when he screams it makes you nervous, you know. I want to reframe that, that's violence. And men are, can be, especially men, can be very tactful in their use of violence. What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Delona Show. So grateful that you've joined us.

Talking about mental health, marriages, emotional health, parenting, whatever's going on in your world, I'm here for it. Been doing this for 20 years, sitting with people who are, the wheels have fallen more than 20 years now. Good grief. I'm getting old, man. The wheels have fallen off and it's just something is so annoying. Something is so frustrating or something is dire. And man, in this culture we've built for ourselves, we are lonely, lonely, lonely. And I'm always honored when people reach out and say, Hey, can you help? And I mean, I have the right answer, man, but I promise I'll sit with you and listen,

and we'll figure it out together. If you want to be on the show, go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, and fill out the form, or go to, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. If you are younger than 35, I don't know if you know that you can actually punch numbers into that little box that you carry around with you and talk to other people, which is rad.

But nobody's going to answer the phone. If you call, you can just leave a message, and then somebody will call you back. It's pretty cool, this phone technology. We're getting to the end of the pre-sale season. If you have thought like, ah, I think I'm going to pre pre-order this book, please. Today's the day make it happen. Go to johndeloney.com pre-order building a non anxious life. It's breaking all kinds of pre-order records in this building. It's exciting. I'm excited to have it out. Um, and the stores that are reading it and picking it up, it's just kind of, it's developed a momentum of its own, which is,

is just, it's super exciting. Um, and if you of its own which is is just it's super exciting um and if you order it before it comes out it comes with the free audiobook if you're an audiobook person um we're autographing some of them and i don't know how that goes but that'll be on the website and it also comes with the digital copy and a couple other things so please go check it out go to johndeloney.com and grab your copy let Let's go out to Orlando, Florida and talk to dear Marie. What's up, Marie? Hi there. Hi there. What's up? Thanks for having me, Dr. John. Of course. Thank you for calling. What's happening? So I've been married. I've been with my husband for 30 years, married 28. We're younger, 50s. We had our kids early. They're out of the house.

But the question is, so he has anxiety. He takes anxiety medication, but for the most part, he just snaps off. He just yells and gets at me or whatever the situation is. He gets frustrated easily. It's been going on our entire marriage. I've just learned to push it under the rug and figure it wasn't me. It wasn't about me. And, you know, that he just has anxiety issues. Well, it's starting to get, you know, it's getting to me again. And, you know, and I just don't know kind of the direction we should go. We've had talks about it. He understands, you know, knows his anger issues he's not violent in any way just his tone and he's just you know he's a big guy and when he screams it makes you nervous

you know i want to reframe that that's violence and men are can be especially men women too but especially men can be very tactful in their use of violence. And what I mean by that is they can shut your nervous system down. They can make your whole body feel unsafe to be in your home as though they punched you in the face and they never lay a finger on you. And that's part of the insidious nature of it.

If he's screaming and yelling, he's a big guy and he's hollering and throwing stuff and getting mad at you for whatever. Yeah, that's every bit violence. That is every bit violence. Yeah, he's not where he doesn't throw things or nothing like that. Or he's not like physically violent. But yeah, the tone and the screaming and he's just aggravated at traffic, at people, at me.

You know, it's just like, and it goes in waves. You know, some days he's just a you know for months he's the nicest person in the world he'll do anything for you why is he why it's hard because he's not on the phone but you said y'all have talked about this why does he choose to live in misery like this he i don't know he he just he says i don't know what's wrong with me i don't know why i get so impatient and snap off and, you know, I'm very short. But why has that not been a lifelong, I'm going to go down the rabbit hole and figure this out because I love this woman so much that she doesn't deserve this. Right.

And by the way, I love myself so much. I don't want to have a stroke. Right. I don't want to die young. Right. Yeah. I mean, verbally, he says he knows he has a problem. He has anger issues. So he tries to medicate it, you know, like with Zoloft or he's on something different now.

And Zoloft almost gave him no personality. And then what he's on now, it's not enough. And I think he needs some kind of therapy, maybe cognitive therapy. I'll tell you right now, he needs 1,000% needs therapy. He needs to go see somebody 1 million percent You can't make him do that though He verbally told me he would Yeah but he won't

This happened two weeks ago But he still hasn't made an appointment He's not going to He's not going to He hasn't He can't get through to anyone Yeah that's nonsense He has chosen not to

In fact I'll call this bluff I'm going to give you Three months of free BetterHelp At the end of this call. And so I'll give you a code for free therapy that they will call you back and he will be in contact with a therapist within 24 hours. Oh, wow. And he can do it from his computer. He won't do it, but I'm just telling you, I'll call that bluff. Okay. Wow. But he's not on the phone. No.

The bigger thing is you so i want i want to separate a few things for you number one if you've ever listened to this show i say this all the time behavior is a language i rarely care what people say i want to know what they do so he can say i know and i shouldn't be doing this and i'm really working on it. You're not. He's not. He's absolutely not because his language, his behavior is telling you everything he needs to know that he would rather sit in his anger and misery than have a marriage worth living for. He would rather feel empowered and encapsulated in a safe little bubble behind this anger and rage, then be exposed and

vulnerable, which is the only path towards true intimacy and connection. Right. That's the choice he's making. So, yeah, cool. You though can only control you. And so for the millions and millions of millions of people out there who are roommates with their husband or wife, who are just wondering every day, what is it about me? Why does he not like me? Why does she not like me so deeply? You have to ask yourself those questions. What is the language that your behavior is communicating? So I'll ask you, have you been to see somebody?

No. Now it's time because you're living in an abusive marriage. Do you have a group of women that you reach out to and you plug in with once a week, once every two weeks? Yeah, I have a good core group of friends. Okay. What do they say about it? Well, most of them are divorced. They're like, yeah, this is the way this is.

They say the same thing that that I'm an abusive marriage. And I know the thing is mental abuse, physical abuse. He's never cursed at me, told me I was awful or a loser or anything like that. Doesn't matter. He's never used that kind of language. You were making excuses for him. Yeah, I know I am. You don't need him.

He doesn't need you to protect him. He's doing a great job protecting himself. Right. I think in protecting him, you're actually protecting yourself. Because if you actually felt, if you actually truly sat in how freaking lonely you are, I bet you'd take your breath away. Is that fair? Yep. Yeah.

I'm so sorry. No, don't be sorry. I'm heartbroken for you. Yeah, it's hard because I do love him. You know, we're physically attracted to each other and I make those excuses for that. I'm like, well, the time that he's good, he's great. And then when he goes down that rabbit hole, like you say, you know, I'm like, oh, there he is.

There's a little, you know, demon showing himself. And what you don't realize, maybe you realize that that's not fair. Maybe you do. Most people don't. Realizes that your body sets off to protect you even during the good times. So even the good times, you're not fully plugged into each other because there's still a part of your body that would be failing you if it wasn't on guard it's true and so it's like hugging somebody with one arm you can hug them tight but it's not all the way right and so i think the

conversation has to eventually do one of two things step Step one is, and I don't think this is the path, but I'm never going to take this option from somebody. In a violent one, I'll make phone calls. In this situation, I can tell you just as your friend, I mean, this is what you've made peace with. This is what you've made peace with. And if he just starts yelling and you choose to leave and go sleep in a hotel until he quits acting like a four-year-old um then cool i hope that's not what you cash out and choose to live the other the other piece is is you sitting down somewhere in a neutral location not in your home but somewhere where you look across the table and you've probably written this down in a form of a letter so that you can read it.

And because it's going to be emotional, it's going to be heavy. And you look at him and say, I'm so lonely, I can't breathe. And you scare me and you've scared me for 30 years. And I'm scared of my own home. And it has to end now. No more excuses. Either you have the courage to leave me, husband, or you have the courage to go get well.

But I can't be scared and terrified in my own home anymore by the man that I love more than anybody else. Yeah. That's it. That's perfect. Hold on. It's perfect, but it's scary. Because he might say, I'm not going to counseling.

I'm just not. You know who you married. It's been, but it's scary because he might say, I'm not going to counseling. I'm just not. You know who you married. It's been this way for 20 years. Whatever crap he wants to throw. And then you have to make a hard call. The or what decision. Or what? You're going to go, well, I tried.

It's cool. Are you going to move in with one of your divorced friends for 30 days? I mean, you're going to have to have that conversation. Right. What would be the next decision or step? That's up to you. Yeah, exactly. That's what I mean.

I'd have to come to Jesus with that, you know? I think Jesus has come to you. I think the real, what happened that inspired this call? Usually something happened. A friend of ours, we were on a trip, and some friends finally saw the real Nick. And I saw it, and I was humiliated. You know, the way he talked to them, he exploded on them because they were talking about how he was driving and just ridiculous stuff. We couldn't make a decision on a restaurant, and he just yelled at everyone.

And I just sat there and like total embarrassment sure and that you know and it was just like the final oh my god someone else finally saw this was he embarrassed he apologized later he was he he apologized for embarrassing me but I don't think he was embarrassed he didn't say he was he just he was sorry that he embarrassed me and then he felt terrible for that and that he was. He just said he was sorry that he embarrassed me, and then he felt terrible for that, and that he would do therapy. He said he would, but that was two weeks ago, you know, and I haven't brought it up. I'm just letting him figure it out. But that's always been your move, and he doesn't figure it out, and he won't figure it out. He won't. You're right.

It never will. Yeah. Yeah. And so you choosing to be neutral, right, in a burning house, you go down in flames. Yeah. That's interesting you said that, because in neutral, because in my business life, I'm in total control. Of course you are. But in my personal life, I've let that, I'm like, eh. This is abuse. Don't deal with it. It's what it does to us. It's what it does. The number of people I've met with over the years that are bulldogs in their professional life and just get beat up one side up down the other at home. It's super common. Because here's why. At work, we feel very competent in what we do, especially as we move up the ladder and as our business grows

or our professional status grows, we feel competent. We feel confident because we have a series of little wins underneath us that we stand upon. I know I can do this. At home, we are haunted by that terrifying, scary little question. Do you love me? And that is a whole different skill set. That's a different part of your brain. That's a different everything. And you are terrified of the answer to that question because you get the answer every day. Y'all just don't want to own it. And the answer is he would rather act like a child, act like a baby, scream, yell, kick, shake his baby rattle than he would provide a safe, warm home for his wife. Yeah.

And after 30 years, I can't imagine that level of pain. Yeah. It's exhausting, frustrating. I have a picture of like a dog house in my head and he's inside it, just breathing really heavy in there, kind of half asleep. And you're chained to a little stake outside that dog house. And you don't have to go in there but you can't you're not letting yourself go anywhere else oh yeah and you've made peace out there you're really kind when the neighbors walk by to pat you on the head and you curl up sometimes the neighbor's kid will come play with

toys and really good and you're good at sitting and doing all the rules at work but that breathing that that's that growl is still there right behind you inside that dark doghouse and the crazy part is is that chain is not even hooked up right it's not. It's a mental change. It is. So for whatever it's worth, hear me say this. You are worth more than the life you're living right now. He is too. And if he wants to call my show, I would love to talk to him. But he's not here, so I can only talk to you. You have to go call a counselor and say, I'm going to go talk to somebody.

You have to write down in the form of a letter what you actually feel. I am sick and tired of being scared in my own home, haunted tired that our kids don't want to be in this house because they don't know what version of you they're going to get. And most importantly, I'm tired of watching the man I love kill himself slowly. In the nerd world, we call it long tail suicide. A slow, angry, raged out, distracted suicide. But non-engagement can't be an option anymore. Unless that's just the way you're going to roll, dude. I hope, I hope you look in the mirror and realize that Marie from Orlando is worth more than that. I can't give that to you. Hang on the line.

We're going to hook you up with better help. And we're going to call this bluff. And I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. I'm also going to send you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future. I think that's a book that you would get some great benefit out about living in traumatic situations

and these stories that keep us chained and then asking that scary question, what are we going to do next? So I'm going to send you both of them. I'm going to hook you up. Anything you need, call me back. I'll walk with you. But this is going to take a drastic snow globe shakeup

for anything new to happen in this marriage. And I think that's going to be up to you. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever.

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That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Denver, Colorado and talk to Joe. What's up, Joe? Hey, Dr. Delaney. First time caller. I'm glad and honored to talk to you today. And I'm honored that you called, man. What's up? So my question is, and I can explain the backstory. Am I crazy for thinking that my wife can use her anxiety disorder as a weapon against me? As somebody who was once diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, no. They make extraordinary weapons. Give me your backstory.

Okay. So I've been married a little over a year. And I didn't know about my wife's anxiety disorder the first time we were together. We were together about a year and a half. We split up. And then COVID happened. And we got back together a year later. We got engaged and then COVID happened and we got back together. A year later, we got engaged. A year later, we got married and here we are.

I didn't know about my wife's anxiety disorder the first time we went out. And before she was with me, she was with a person who was very verbally abusive that brought out her anxieties from her childhood that got worse and worse. Ever since we got engaged into married, it comes out a little more and more the longer that we're together. And it shows in weird ways. Right now, my major issue that I have is my wife spends a lot of money on mobile applications on her phone, as she says, helps her anxiety. It's bullcrap on a stick. Absolutely bullcrap on a stick. Makes it 10 times worse, 100 times worse. Yeah. So when she was with her ex, her common thing would be to drive around the metro area

that I live in for an hour to two hours till she was able to calm down and sleep. That was her anxiety coping mechanism. And now it's this. It's gotten to a really bad point. So just to give you a parameter, it's been about $1,000 in this calendar year, which is insane. On games? Like on phone games? Yes. So like if you imagine like... That's $1,000 more than I've ever spent on a mobile game. Wow.

So I'll look at my credit card statement $10,000 more than I've ever spent on a mobile game. Wow. So I'll look at my credit card statement, and I'll just see. I won't name the developer. I don't want to insult them on your show, but I'll just see constant work items on here. And I suffer from financial anxiety. Having a lack or something like an overdraft causes me to have a visceral reaction because I never had that before I was with my partner. I never overdrafted my checking account, and I knew exactly how much money was in my checking account at all times. So being with my partner now, she's exactly the opposite and she spends money on this, on that. And it's just, um, I,

I don't know. I can't get her to budget. I've tried that route. Let me, let me hop in here. Let me hop in here. Okay. So first and foremost, cancel that credit card immediately today, okay? Okay. This is going to get out of control in a wild way, and I'd be willing to bet money. I may be wrong, but I'd be willing to bet money. No pun intended here. That this is not the only thing she's spending money on.

Yeah. There's no possible way. This is the only thing. And this is one of those moments that people find out like it was a thousand bucks. It was eighteen hundred dollars Suddenly it's twenty five thousand bucks and it's you're talking a couple of years to recover from it. I would cancel that card today This is you stopping the bleeding of somebody you love right in front of you and they may say ouch this hurts I hate this get your hands off me. I'm not going to let you bleed out in front of me. Okay?

That's what that move is. All right? Backing out. Listen to me super clear and super careful, okay? All anxiety is is an alarm system for your body, period. It is not a driver of behavior. It doesn't make you do things you don't want to do. It doesn't force you into other behaviors.

X, Y, Z, fill in the blank. I'll even go one step further. She chose to remain in that relationship with that guy. And not to undermine abusive relationships, man. I've sat with people forever in those situations. They're brutal and ugly. That guy didn't make her anxiety worse. Her body was screaming at her to get out of the situation and she stayed.

And it got louder and it got louder and it got louder. And so I don't want to demonize anxiety. I don't want to live in a house without a smoke detector. That's insane, right? What I want to do is begin to ask, what about this life? What about this ecosystem that this body lives in, that this person lives in, your wife or your friend or whoever, or you, what is it about this ecosystem that my body keeps telling me we're not safe, we're not safe, we're not safe, we're not safe? Because most people spend all their time trying to shut the alarm off instead of dealing with the fire. Okay. So, number two, any sort of diagnosis is a context, not an excuse.

I was diagnosed at one point with OCD. I had anxiety. All those things, fine. I still had to show up at work. And I get distracted counting things, and I have to check my locks a bunch. Okay, fine. I still had to show up at work. And I get distracted counting things and I have to check my locks a bunch. Okay, great. That means I got to get up 15 minutes earlier or five minutes earlier or two minutes earlier. That means I have to be really, really particular about how I exercise, how I reach out to friends and community, how I take care of my body, etc. And by the way, I don't make any laps around my house much anymore.

It's gone. So to say like I have to do this because is completely opposite. In fact, it strengthens it. Number three, here's the gnarly thing about anxiety. In her case, something is setting that trigger off. And I have a feeling I know what it is, and you're not going to like it, but I'll tell you in just a second. It sets that alarm off to which she immediately runs to a numbing behavior,

whether that's driving around for two hours listening to sad songs, listening to Olivia Rodriguez and singing and singing, or it is her sitting in a bathroom with the door locked on video games, on her phone, whatever it is, it's a numbing behavior. Here's the problem. Her brain won. Her brain sounded an alarm for her to avoid a situation that it just deemed a threat, whether that's loneliness, whether that's a scary romantic partner, whether that's any number of things, financial stress, whatever it is. And when she goes to a numbing behavior, the body goes, ah, we avoided it. And it puts a GPS pin in that move. This one works. Do it louder next time. And so the only way to heal from anxiety,

the only way to deal with those alarms is to run directly towards them. That's it. And I don't mean that in some woo-woo fluffy way. I mean directly at them. Like so in your case, why is my body trying to get my attention every time there's a dollar missing in my account? The reason I had financial anxiety, if you will, that's not even a diagnostic, but I I get stressed out Money was so contentious. We didn't have any growing up It was scary and it also my dad was a policeman and my community didn't pay him enough to give us groceries And I remember resenting that but it was all wound up in that

And so I went and borrowed six figures worth of student loans and cars and houses and all this crap so that I could not be that. And I ended up in a bigger hole than my old man ever was in. And so my body was letting me know, you're not safe. You're not safe. You're not safe. You're not safe. You see what I'm saying? So anxiety is not the bad guy here. This world is. Now, when you say you have anxiety, anxiousness, what often happens when somebody is, their body is responding anxiously, they partner up with another anxious person. And that electricity feeds that electricity, which feeds that electricity. And suddenly you get two radioactive people sharing a bed together and it's combustible. So are you an anxious guy

too, or a very particular guy or a very, I don to say OCD in the clinical sense, but a very everything's got to be in order kind of guy? I'm very analytical, yes. Analytical. What a positive spin. Well done. How long has she struggled with this anxiety? For about five years, which would be about the time she was with the addict. I would be willing to bet my car.

It's not a nice one that it's been going on way longer than that. Yeah. If she traced it back to when she was a kid, that'd be my guess. She was adopted. She was adopted and she doesn't, her birth mom is not um there in the head um would probably be the two sheets to the wind would probably be a good way of describing her mother's um mental acuity she's not yeah she's struggling what about her anyway we can go down that road we don't have to do that right now um i'll give you the line that snapped me out of it.

Here's a direct quote from my wife. This is about 12 years ago now. She said in a very quiet, calm manner, I'm watching the man I love die, and I can't sit here and watch that. Will you please go talk to somebody and my numbing behaviors Joe were work my numbing behaviors were reading journal articles and creating these big maps of I could figure out how people worked

my numbing things were watching stand-up comedians and creating these big maps of I could figure out how people worked. My numbing things were watching stand-up comedians and like I had notebooks where I was charting out which jokes were funny and how long they took between jobs. It was insane. Everybody's got different numbing things, but my wife sat down and said, I'm watching you die. I love you too much. And it was that moment that I finally felt somebody loved me so much

that they weren't interested in what I was and all this peripheral stuff. They were just watching me drown. And I burned them every time they reached into help. So I went and got help. Yeah, I think that's a lot of it. It is. But you trying to solve the alarm systems will not work.

They will just reinforce them because her body will tell her, hey, he doesn't see the threat. Let's ring this sucker even louder. He can't hear these things. And every time you go to the periphery and say, hey, you need to stop doing this, she's going to move to another either. Her body is going to accept that as rejection, which is a cornerstone of an anxious body is a lack of connection, which is weird because you're like, we're married. We're right here. We sleep together. We sleep in the same bed, but her body is saying not safe, not safe, not safe. And so the path forward here is I'm going to provide a safe place for you and me.

And that safe place starts with me telling you, I love you so much. I can't watch you. I can't watch you die. I can't watch you numb your life out. You're worth more than a numbed out life. Does that make sense? Yeah. Is that ringing? Is any of this ringing true to your home? Yeah. I, I mean, I hope she never dies off of mobile apps and her anxiety I just it's not that

I love her a lot I know Joe but it's not about the mobile apps because I promise you I promise you you know this you're married to a taser yeah and this is just one of

15 different numbing things. But I'll tell you, it escalates and it moves. And it goes from mobile apps to some guy who really thinks she's cute and funny at work. Who sends one funny emoji that she responds to with one funny emoji. It goes to

one more drink. It goes to, I'm just going to go to bed early. And I've just done this for too long. It's not about the mobile apps. It's about watching your wife feel like she has to hide from her own life because she can't handle how intense it is. And it feels like I got to run away from that intensity. And the only way to heal is to run directly into it. Most of us can't do that by

ourselves. You got to call a professional and get some help. You got to go see a counselor and say, I'm tired of being this exhausted. My husband told me he loves me so much and he's watching me slowly drain out of my own life, and I want to stop that. I'm going to send you both. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life, and I want you all to go through that book together. It'll give you a roadmap, or at least give you all some questions to ask yourself inside your own home to begin to say, okay, why are these alarms ringing all the time in here?

And you, my friend, need to ask those questions too, because I think they're ringing off in your life too. You've just chosen to try to handle them by being very analytical. I've tried to handle them by ignoring them. Both strategies are pathological to their extremes. But I want you all to read this book together and start looking at each one of these pieces. And if you get to a piece you can't dig into, that's when you call a counselor and say,

well, I need some help here. I've got high hopes for your marriage because mine is as good as they come. And I had a partner that stuck with me. She kept calling me out and kept saying, I miss you. Where are you? Where are you? And I went and did the work. Y'all can too. I promise. We'll be right back. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Kaylin in Columbus, Ohio. What's up, Kaylin? Hi, how are you? Doing great. How about you? I'm okay. What's up? How can I help?

I talked to you a few weeks ago, and you told me I could call back whenever and kind of tell you what's going on. Oh, no. Did I give you bad advice? No, no, no. It has really, it's almost not connected to that at all, to be honest. Okay. All right, cool. Well, so what's up? Yeah. Okay. So my question is, how can I support my spouse in the aftermath of my mental health crisis? Give me some more context. What happened? Oh, um, so almost three weeks ago. So like just a couple of days after I talked to you last time, um, I was admitted to a psychiatric crisis stabilization hospital on an involuntary

72 hour hold. Oh man. That means you were acutely suicidal. What happened? I, yeah, I just didn't want to be alive anymore. Um, they, I'd been depressed for a while this summer. And so my doctor increased the medication I was on. And I think it was the wrong medication for my body because a week after the medication, everything just got like a hundred times worse. And it just felt like I was in a hole that I could never crawl out of. So I went to the hospital. I've actually heard it the other way where when they ratchet up your meds a lot

in an acute setting, it actually takes somebody who's in a black hole and gives them just enough gumption to cash out. Yeah. You see what I'm saying? Instead of pulling it deeper down the rabbit hole, it actually pulls you up where you can see just a little bit. I can just reach to the top of the counter to go ahead and get off this train.

Yeah. So things are bad. Yeah yeah let's back out why did you call the show originally the first time um about my mom asking me for money okay and feeling like resentful towards her so yeah it's not really directly related to that well I mean, I'm just trying to get a context for your depression, but that's not really why you're calling. So let's get, let's get to, yeah, the call. So number one, I'm so, so glad that you're alive. Thank you. Are you? Most of the time.

Okay. I'll take that as a win right now. Yeah. Most of the time. Okay. I'll take that as a win right now. Yeah. I know when you're sitting in the black hole and you feel tired and you feel like I'm out. Do you also feel like people would be better off without you around? Yeah. I'm going to, yeah. And I have like more context for that okay tell me more about that um so especially after um coming home from the hospital um things have just been like crazy

um when I was in the hospital my mom wanted to see me and I didn't want to see her just because like she's causes so much stress. So my husband had to kind of relay that information and it didn't go over very well. My mom basically told my whole family that my husband is abusive and manipulative and keeping me from her. And so like no one is talking to my husband. And it's like I just feel so horrible because I created this mess. Hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm going to challenge that hard. Is that cool? Yeah. Okay. You play no role in this.

Your husband did exactly what he was supposed to do, which is stand between you and any sort of danger coming your way. Yeah. And that was your mom. God bless your husband, dude. Good for him. He stood down a dragon and that dragon couldn't do anything to him because he's a strong man and he loves you. So she went and

burned down everything else in the neighborhood yeah all of your safety nets all your relationships all the people you reach out to his reputation all of it that is not you galen you're separate from that in fact she's been trying to drag you underwater with her for years yeah and you've kept fighting because that's who you are

you're so strong and you don't even see it and then you married an amazing guy who will stand shoulder to shoulder with you and say let's do this together yeah right yeah And then you married an amazing guy who will stand shoulder to shoulder with you and say, let's do this together. Yeah. Right?

Yeah. So I want you to hear, I know how you feel. I trust you when you tell me how you feel. I'm asking you to trust me when I tell you how you feel is not reality. Reality is you're a very strong woman who is a core part of your husband's life or he wouldn't stand in front of the fire for you and vice versa, right? So when it feels heavy and dark, challenge that feeling because it's not true. I'm heartbroken that your mom treats you like this and treats him like this it's truly heartbreaking yeah so i called my mom um last week or the week before um and basically told her like this is not my husband this is um and I hadn't had like a conversation with her like this so I don't know but I just said like

right now you are causing me anxiety being around you makes me stressed out because I'm just so worried about your financial situation all the time. And I need to focus on getting better and healing right now. And so I need space from you. And it seemed to go okay, but she keeps like messaging my husband, like, I'm so sad. When can I see Kaylin again? Okay. But listen, I want to give you some context. This is bigger than money. Yeah. Your mom has used you for your entire life to prop her up whether that was emotional psychological financial and now she's trying to use you again to make her feel better because you're in the hospital yeah that's insane your job in your lowest moments when you're hurting,

when you're surrounded by medical care professionals, your job is not to make her feel better. She's a grown woman. That's her job and her community that she should have surrounding her. But she's used you as a life raft, and that was never your job. You were her daughter. Can I just tell you how out of this world proud of you I am for having that conversation with her? Thank you.

Like that's not a little win. So after you get out of an involuntary hold, here's the goal, little wins. Yeah. Right? I want you just to shower today and then you can get back in bed. Have you all had those conversations?

I just want you to have one meal and you get back in bed. Have you all walked through that? Yeah. Okay. And I'm actually back at work now too. Excellent. Excellent.

Yeah. But a big win is you calling the dragon and saying, hey, you are a part of this problem here, and I value my health and my body and my personality and my marriage so much that I am building a wall between us. Dude, that takes a long time for someone to get the strength and courage to do that I can't tell you how proud of you I am for that It's amazing

Can you do me a favor? Yeah Wherever you're sitting Will you stand up like real tall? Don't get up But just like put your back straight And I want you to like take your shoulders And clench them up real tight around your ears Just do it for like two seconds one two and then drop them like you did that

like for real yeah and I know it hurt and you hung up the phone and probably felt guilty and bad and oh my gosh what's gonna happen I'm so proud of you okay so we phone and probably felt guilty and bad. And oh my gosh, what's going to happen? I'm so proud of you. Okay, so now we're back. And now my guess is your husband is hovering over you like an umbrella. Like an Ella, Ella, Ella umbrella. Yes. And I know it's because he loves me and he's worried. But it's like just constant, you know.

Like he's just so panicked that I'm going to do something stupid and I get it, but. Are you going to? It feels like a lot. I don't think so. Nope. That's not a good answer. Okay. No. Okay. Are you saying that just to shut me up? No. Okay. If there's any, any crack in that concrete, he's going to do what he can to cover it up as he should Yeah, as any of us who love our wives would do What y'all have to work through right now is the Development of a plan that is ironclad that you will stick to and that he will stick to and that your medical professionals will stick to

What does that mean? I need you can text me four times a day. All these texts are stressing me out. But I also know that you love me and I love you and I need that connection. So we're going to agree to text four times a day. We're going to agree to SOS, get on skin contact four times a day.

Right when we wake up, we're going to stay in bed an extra two minutes and just hold hands and touch feet Yeah See what I'm saying, like we're going to come up with a plan And we're going to, you Especially Kaylin, are going to stick to that plan Like glue

Okay And that's going to slowly Slowly Slowly Release his grip on Okay, she's safe She's safe slowly release his grip on, okay, she's safe. She's safe.

Yeah. The woman who I pledged my whole life to is safe. Now I can breathe too. Yeah. Right? Does it make you uncomfortable that he loves you that much? No. Okay.

When you're in the black hole, though, you feel like his life would be better if you were gone, didn't you? Yeah. Why is that? Sorry. That's okay. I don't know. I feel like I just don't like add anything

to anyone like I don't like add value to anything okay as I said earlier I will

I will honor the fact that that's your feeling all of the evidence that you've given me is to the contrary. And it's important to remember this one thing. Feelings are not designed to tell us the truth. That's not their job. Their job is to keep us safe. And so like when a soccer ball rolls into the street and my son goes to get it and I scream,

you're going to die. He's probably not going to die. But my job is to keep him alive. Right? I have to tell him the truth in that moment. Similarly, that's your body's telling you,

like, hey, here's somebody else who said they love us. The last time somebody said they loved us, they were a vampire. They tried to take everything.

And this guy sounds like he's for real. Is he for real? Yeah. So the next time you feel like you don't add any value, I want you to remember this conversation. I want you to remember that guy who right now you are so annoyed that he is so close to you all the time because he loves you that much.

Yeah. Do I have your solemn promise that if you ever get, um, feeling like you want to hurt yourself again, that you'll call somebody. Yeah. Say I solemnly promise. I solemnly promise.

Okay. You, you can't lie against a podcast or a YouTube show. That's like a cosmic or something. Okay. You can't lie against a podcast or a YouTube show. That's like a cosmic or something. Okay. Okay. I think here, like in all honesty,

the conversation goes like this with your husband. I'm home for two weeks. I'm home for three weeks. I can tell you can't breathe, which then makes me not breathe, which then makes you not breathe. And so this is our reality. And you look him in the eye and you hold both of his hands tell you can't breathe, which then makes me not breathe, which then makes you not breathe. And so this is our reality. And you look him in the eye and you hold both of his hands and you say, I will never hurt myself again, ever. And I want you to say it with conviction and mean it. And if

you don't believe that, then you got to call your psychiatrist and your counselor right away you promise yeah okay i'm having a hard time believing you right now okay well part of it is because it's hard when people say like hurt yourself because i don't know if you mean like self-harm or suicide or both. Both. Okay. Because you have to stop cutting too. I know. That build up inside builds up and builds up and builds up. And that's that ultimate fatigue.

I'm just done. Yeah. You know what I'm just done. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. And can you tell I've had this conversation a whole bunch in my life? Yeah. But you got to go sit with somebody and say, I want to stop cutting. Which in and of itself, I doesn't even get my heart rate up that doesn't bother me

but when you attach that to this idea that I'm slowly kind of sort of-ish practicing and so if you're going to hurt yourself or if you're going to take your life you have to make that call yeah

everybody's life around you is an ash if you're not here You have to make that call. Yeah. Everybody's life around you is in ash. If you're not here. Yeah, my counselor keeps telling me, like I said, like I feel like all of this mess wouldn't have happened if I had just killed myself. And she was like, Caitlin, it would just be like a hundred times worse. What are you talking about? It would be infinitely worse. Infinitely worse. What are you talking about? It would be infinitely worse. Infinitely worse. And I don't care about them right now.

I care about you. You wouldn't be here. And my children would miss out on the contribution you're going to add to the world. I don't want that world. Okay? Yeah. And I know it doesn't feel like you add a contribution to it That's where the work is And so you hear me

Do you trust me? Yeah Okay So you hear me saying what I'm saying And you don't feel that what I'm saying registers as truth And I get that Instead of being scared by that, say, huh, I got to figure out how to build a bridge to that. Because I trust that guy. Even when I don't trust me, I trust that guy. I trust my counselor, even when I don't trust me. I trust my husband, even when I don't trust me. So how do I build a

bridge to get there? And that's what your counselor helps you do. And it's about learning some new skills. That's it. You got a toolkit and all you have in it is a razor blade and a bottle of pills. Right? Yeah. Yes. Cool.

Let's get some new tools. Because the pain you feel is real. The home you grew up in was a chaotic mess. We're going to get some new tools. We're going gonna learn to exercise And you're like no Yup it has to happen Or you can learn to go for a walk with your husband everyday

You're gonna learn to turn electronics off And not just spin out and spin out and spin out You're gonna learn to have people over to your house And hang out Those are just skills They're not crazy things for crazy people Who got talents that you didn't get Just skills

What do you do for a living? I'm a teacher Oh my gosh You've learned that skill What grade do you teach? I teach fourth They're the best And did you know

your room of 25 little fourth graders goes home to their parents every night and tells them how much they love Miss Kaylin I think some of them do they all do

even the ones that don't like you do because you know what some of them are going through in their homes yeah and you know

that some of them look in the mirror and don't like what they see and you know what that feels like and you know that some of them look in the mirror and don't like what they see and you know what that feels like and you know that some of them sit in that classroom and wish they could just disappear in their own seat and they can't

and that makes you that makes you the dream dream teacher I'm good at my job I know you are I just want you to love yourself as much as those fourth graders love you At least Fair?

Yeah Fair So you're not leaving me You're not leaving those kids You're not leaving your knuckle-headed husband who loves you so much And you've already taken the awesome first hard step of Not leaving But just separating yourself from people who hurt you.

Cool. Yeah. And we're done with cutting and we're going to find some alternative behaviors there. Okay. Okay. You got no more reason to punish Kaylin. Kaylin's pretty awesome. Cool? Yeah. So let's make a plan with husband. In a very detailed plan, almost like a fourth grade, like you would give to your fourth graders. At 8 o'clock is when we hug, and at 10-15 is when I have a break and I'll

text you, say how much I love you. And at noon I will text you, and at this time I will text you, and at dinner I will text you. And at this time, I will text you. And at dinner, we will do this. And if I end up cutting in my car on the parking lot before school starts, my promise is I will call this counselor and I will call you. If I start feeling like I don't want to be here anymore and I'm going to take my life. I will call this person and I will call this person and I will call you. You have my solemn word promise. And we will begin to take a walk together before school starts and in the evening.

And we'll get a dog and we'll fill in the blank. But y'all come up with a plan together so that he can exhale a little bit, which will allow you to exhale a little bit, which will allow him to exhale a little bit and takes all of the smoke out of your house. He's got gotta practice it and i honestly recommend that y'all you and him go to your counselor and say hey we want to make a safety plan for our home so that we can all breathe in here and your counselor probably smile real big and say i got you on that one so so so grateful you're here caleb you again call anytime call next week we'll have you back on so so grateful you're here, Kayla. Again, call anytime. Call next week. We'll have you back on.

So glad that you're here. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life,

you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we're back as we wrap up today's show. We have, we're going back to the new segment, Am I the Problem? Yes. So we got our, we got another

one in. First of all, people, we need your emails. In the subject line or right in the beginning, type in, am I the problem? Send us your questions, keep them fairly short so we have time to do them. This person asked, am I the jerk? Am I the jerk? However you want to phrase it, fine with me. And then also make sure, comment when we read this. We want to hear your comments if you think this person's the problem. So comment here, you know, in the comments or on the reviews. That would be great. All right, you ready? Let's do it. We moved into our house a little over a year ago and our next door neighbor closed on their house a week later and immediately poured concrete starting at 5 a.m., even before getting the okay from the HOA. She said she told the contractors not to start before the required 7 a.m., but was not there to supervise.

We were just getting over COVID, and my infant daughter was awoken at the early hour of 5.30 a.m. I did post on a mom's group that I was looking for advice on how to approach my neighbor, and I did mention that I hated them. Although I hated the act more than them, but the exhausted state I was in, I was mad. The daughter, their daughter, who does not live with them, saw the post and recognized me

when I went to go talk to the neighbor. Ever since, we've had a contentious relationship with these neighbors. They did install a fence without talking to us and expect us to pay half of it, even though I found a better contractor with a better price. I've tried to approach her on a couple of times about sharing the reasonable cost, but she will not even talk to me at all. Am I the jerk? Yes. Disagree. And feel free to disagree with me.

I think it's yes and no. It's yes and no. It's yes on, you know, the stress of moving. Everybody knows the stress of moving and probably as a part of the stress of moving, there was some sort of built in, we have to do this to this property right away. We've got dogs, chickens, whatever. Got to get a fence up. And I was almost late to work yesterday. I have a huge, long, long, long driveway, like more than a quarter mile driveway that goes back into the woods. And some painters from

somebody else's barn, they're redoing their barn down the holler from where I live. They drove up. There's only one way in. So I got all the way to the bottom. I had to back my car all the way up this hill. Anyway, they made a mistake. They were just contractors getting to a job and want to get this thing done because they booked too many jobs. That's fine. Where I think she was wrong, where she was the jerk was she didn't just go knock on the neighbor's door and say, or at number one, didn't just go, this is a one-time thing, dude. They showed up at 5 a.m. They're not going to pour concrete every weekend. If it was like a dance party then yeah, but Dude, that's annoying. I'm gonna go about my day. That's annoying. They woke my daughter up and we were getting over covid whatever happened She went to the mom's group on facebook Where happiness and joy goes to die

just it's where courtesy and kindness and rational thinking goes up in flames. And then so she created, I think, this relational like, bam, and then it's really hard to come back. And now her neighbors being unreasonable and moronic. I personally wouldn't pay for that fence. I just wouldn't. And until we sat down and have a conversation about it, I personally wouldn't pay for that fence i just wouldn't and until we sat down and have a conversation about it i'm not gonna pay for the fence because you went and just built a thing you can't just charge me five thousand dollars for a thing that i'd even asked for it and you know i'm saying so no we gotta have that so she's

being a retaliatory jerk but i think it started with i hate hate her. Come on, man. They need a reset. It's like she needs to just go over there and say, listen, this started off horribly, and that's my fault. I screwed this up. I'm so sorry. Yes. Can we just start over? With a gift basket. Yeah.

And then if they don't, then, you know, there's not much you can do about it. But just kind of humble yourself. Go over there and be like, I'm so sorry. Or as the great Taylor Swift says, I'm the problem. It's me. Let's start with that. And like a gift basket., I'm so sorry. Or as the great Taylor Swift says, I'm the problem. It's me. Let's start with that. And like a gift basket. And I'm so sorry.

Can we control alt delete this thing? And then if they go, no, we hate you. Well, then you've been the bigger person. Right. Then you've got jerky neighbors. You've got jerky neighbors. And then you've got some choices to make, which is awful if you just bought this house and you have an infant and you're trying to.

Bad neighbors are just the worst. The worst. Just stop. The worst. bought this house and you have an infant and you're trying to bad neighbors are just the worst the worst just stop worst but also if i had just moved into a house and i finally was able to coordinate the closing date and the concrete guys and the fence guys and they went too early and somebody's already bombing me on the neighborhood facebook page telling me they hate me what i would think oh great i just moved in with terrible neighbors with no grace and no flexibility no understanding for how complex all this is so i think you started it and when you start it the only way this thing gets different is if you just take a different track and if she won't talk i can

just imagine hey uh can we talk about this vince no you hate me remember you posted on the mom's facebook page and stop having Facebook pages. Go talk to your neighbors. Drive it crazy. Is that fair? 100%. Joe, what do you think? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Definitely for civility in the neighborhood. We call him Neutral Joe. We call him Swiss Joe. He's like, whatever you just said, man. That sounds great. Sounds cool. All right, hey. If you have, whatever you just said, man, that sounds great. Sounds cool. All right. Hey,

if you have a problem with your neighbor, just get all uncomfortable and anxious and nervous about it. And then let's go talk to him. Go talk to him. Give them an opportunity to not show up. And in so doing, you give them an opportunity to go, oh my gosh, I'm a person too. I'd love to help thank you for being with us today stay in school don't do drugs all that stuff be nice to your neighbors get off the facebook pages we'll see you soon