The Dr. John Delony Show - I'm Working Hard to Provide & My Husband is Lazy

Episode Date: August 25, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode We're in the middle of a divorce; my husband is a heroin addict and in a bad place. How do I talk to our 4-year-old when he asks about his dad? In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts - Gabor Maté  The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Trauma and Adversity - Nadine Burke Harris M.D. My wife’s ex-husband won’t even meet me. Our daughter wants us to do things together. How do we tell her that he is unwilling? I have been the main breadwinner for a long time. My husband works part time and does ministry work. I am worn out and need him to step up. Lyrics of the Day: "The Power of Love" - Huey Lewis & the News   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp dreamcloudsleep.com/delony Conversation Starters Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: boundaries, substance abuse, addiction, parenting, marriage, anger/resentment/bitterness, depression   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show we discuss how to talk to a little kid about divorce and they miss their dad. We talk about how do you connect with your partner's ex-husband when you're raising a step kid. We talked to a wife whose husband just plays on YouTube and won't get a job. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad you're here. Mental health, relationships, parenting,

I don't know, whatever weird religion, whatever, we talk about all of it. I'm so glad you're with us. Thanks for being here. If you want to be on this show, go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. We talk to real people about real stuff going on in your life. johndeloney.com slash ask. Fill out the form, and it will go to Kelly, and she's the one who puts together these shows.

She's the greatest call screener on planet Earth, and she'll reach out to you and get you on the show. Or if you want to call and leave a message, it's 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. James, Kelly, huge news. Huge news. Did we hit number one on anything? No, not even close. Did, are we suddenly getting huge pay raises? No.

All this is, nothing is going to compare what I'm about to tell you. Somebody on the internet named Will Rankin, R-A-N-K-I-N, sent me a internet's message. Instagram. They call them... Did he slide into my DMs? Is that bad? Is that what he did? I honestly don't know. Yes.

He did? I shouldn't say that. Did I say it wrong? Depends on what he said. Oh, I see what you did there. He sent me a photo and I realized people are driving and they're thinking should i turn this down i got kids in the car number one your kids should not watch the show

listen to the show but he sent me a photo of a prius on the side of the road that was completely camoed out it was an all camo prius with some folks looking for bears or something i don't know they're hunters or whatever shout out to i was talking some trash there's no such thing as a camera camoed prius i was wrong it's actually kind of brilliant because they're so quiet they really could sneak up on it's the greatest hunting vehicle ever i don't know what kind of animals you're going to sneak up onto with your giant f350 going i don't make you feel good and then you can get your guns out and go but dude you get your stealth christiansen rifle put in the back of a prius i'm just trying to picture like whatever

you kill strapped to the hood or the top of a prius did i not talk about that on the show i'll tell you off air i know people have their feelings about hunting but Wrapped to the hood or the top of a Prius. Did I not talk about that on the show? I'll tell you off air. I know people have their feelings about hunting, but my first experience deer hunting, me and my son were in a Prius. Just tell it. Just tell it. I just didn't expect that we would harvest anything. And we did.

It was like the buck of a lifetime. I'll never in my life experience this again. And all we had was a Prius and you should have seen the man's face when we took him to the place where they processed the deer. And he said, pull around back. So I pulled around back and here's me and my son sitting there all camoed up in a bright white Prius, my wife's car and an-point buck in the back. And it made for one of the more awkward exchanges of my life. And awesome. I have a great photo that just has like a rifle and the deer. My son's asleep on it in my boots.

And then right above the deer is just this Prius inside. Just one of those prized possessions. We're definitely adding that in post. The photo, it's pretty awesome. And I realize some of you were just like, I'm canceling him. Whatever. We'll have that show later on. But hey, there is a Camo Prius

out in the wild, whoever it is. Congratulations to you. I tip my hat to you. And Will Rankin, thanks for sliding into my DMs and sending me that photo. Is that how you say that? I think there's a connotation to sliding in the DMs. So he just sent you a DM. He sent me a photo on the internet of a car.

Does that mean someone wants to hook up? Yeah, when you say that with he sent me a photo, that connotation is not great. Yeah. Okay. Hey, you know what for those under the age of 72 back there i'm proud of you james kelly you really let the team down you could have you could have hooked me up you're all are all nodding yeah that's exactly how you say that do you just say somebody slid in your dms and sent a photo just say that thanks guys all right let's go to stacy in orlando florida stacy what's going on hi dr john um so

i am at the tail end of a divorce um i was have been yeah i have been married for 13 years oh man what happened um my well i guess soon to be ex--husband has struggled on and off with a, an addiction. To what? It started with, it started with pain pills and then it progressed to heroin. To heroin now? Yeah. Yeah. And he was, he was clean for like many years.

He had like a good long stretch for like about five years. Enough to make you believe? Yes, exactly. And reattach way at your soul? Yep, exactly. I'm sorry. And then his brother passed and that led him to spiral out of control. And he just has not been able to get a handle on it.

And so... You all have little ones? Yes, I have a handle on it. And so you have little ones. Yes, I have a four year old son. And so we've been separated a year now going through the divorce process. In the divorce documents, it states that he's not allowed to have a relationship with our son unless he is clean because I didn't want the inconsistency in his life. No, don't apologize for that at all. That's the right move. Okay. And he has to, thank you. And he has to provide clean drug tests every month in order to do that.

And so right now I have sole custody, of course, of my son. And he, because of that, he has not, we haven't seen him or my son hasn't seen or heard from him since Christmas. Um, he's in a really dark place right now. Like he's really, it's really bad. Um, and so my son is four, so he's still really young, but, um, he still has memories of his dad and he brings them up, you know, um, you know, remembering like he took him fishing and that kind of stuff and he'll bring up memories. But my question, I have two, two part questions. So one is, um, when my son does ask, where's my dad? Um, when he sees like

other kids and their dad still sometimes ask me, I never know what the right thing to say is. Um, like, how do I, I know he's four and he's still young, but I want to handle it the right way. Daddy's sick. Daddy's sick. He doesn't understand addiction. He doesn't understand any of those things. All he understands is I miss my dad. Yeah, exactly.

And so you can never, ever, ever, ever talk bad about his dad. No, I never would. He he's actually he's a great guy he's a great man he was a great father great husband I have no bad things to say about him he's just battling some demons yeah there you go and so get my son out daddy's sick and um I miss him a lot and I know you miss him too. Stinks, huh? And if you're in a position not to try to fill every role, that's the hard part about being a single mom.

So if it's, do you miss fishing? Yeah. You figure out how to go fishing. Go get yourself two cheap Zebcos at Academy or Walmart or something and take them somewhere. And you might not catch anything, but it may be hilarious. You may be an incredible fisherman who knows.

But there's some of those things that you may have to learn how to throw a ball or kick something or all those things, you know, that that's the world you found yourself in. But daddy's sick is the best way to tell a four-year-old that over time, sooner rather than later, right? So you think you've got until sixth or seventh grade. You don't.

You've got short time here. Your son will put pieces together. He'll hear stories. He'll talk to grandma. He'll do something, and he'll start to put it together. And as honest as you can be age appropriate wise. Right. So it may go from daddy sick to daddy was taking some medicine to make him feel better. And then the medicine ended up making him sick too. And so we miss daddy.

Right. And then that may slowly go towards daddy was doing some adult things things putting some things in his body that made him really really sick why did daddy do that well he was really sad and sick too isn't it isn't hurt nor sad isn't hurt you know i mean and a lot a lot a lot of physical contact with your son when you're having these conversations okay okay for child, physical contact helps calm the fight or flight response that the loneliness and the missing and the, well, I get sad. So am I going to put things in my body? Right.

So little kids just start connecting dots way sooner than we think. But it starts right now with dad. He's just so sick and he can't see us right now. We miss him. Don't we? Acknowledge it and don't ever brush away his feelings and his sadness. Okay. I'm so sorry.

Thank you. What was the second part? The second part was if he doesn't ever get it together, because obviously there's like a high chance that that's very possible with a heroin addiction. what is the age appropriate time to have like that conversation like the real conversation because I want to warn him because I know and I don't want to you know hide that from him because it does run in his family you know his dad had it his grandfather had it his great grandfather his sister is currently struggling with an eating disorder So I know that he's like predisposed to an addictive personality or behavior. So I want to warn him, but obviously like make it age appropriate. So how would I handle that? The warning. So what you're trying to do is solve a connection issue

cognitively. Okay. And that's not what we're going to do here okay there will come a season when he's going to have to make hard choices but he's four right now and so what we're going to do in his life is we are going to stop the tide now what we've learned um some pretty remarkable research i want you to get the book it's called in the the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Mate, G-A-B-O-R-M-A-T-E, and we'll link to it in the show notes. It's the single greatest book on addiction I've ever read. But what we're finding is addiction, a lot of these things start with maternal stress. They start in the womb. And when you grow up loving somebody who's an addict, when you grow up loving somebody who is an incredible guy, a good person who lives in chaos and who has made terrible choices, you have been living on the other end of this thing, right? So you've been experiencing trauma too. And then you go through five years of peacetime and you allow yourself over five years

to connect deeply and to believe yet again. Then it goes off the rails. Oh, and you're pregnant, by the way. Right. So all this stuff, your son's grown up in a world of chaos. Okay. And what your job is, is to not try to warn him cognitively. Your job is to make his home as stable and as loving and as connected as humanly possible. Okay. Okay? And that means you, you are going to have to do your work. You're going to have to heal from this. You're going to have to show him what healing looks like.

You're going to have to let him see you be sad and let him see you get up when you're sad and go make dinner or go take him on a walk, or he's going to have to see you exercise. He's going to have to see you have friends. He's going to have to see you do budgets every month. And so he's going to sit down with you, right? So he's going to watch you and he's going to be able to put the dots together there. And then his amygdala, his fight or flight is not going to run 24-7, 365. And then when it comes time to make hard choices and hard decisions, then his frontal lobe isn't going to go offline, which it does when you're in chaos. And he's going to be able to make some of those choices.

I also want you to pick up a book called In the the realm of hungry ghosts can be a little bit dense. So feel free to read over some of those part if you're not a nerd like I am. But the sentiment is really, really good. It's a book about addicts and it's a book about a doctor who went and worked with addicts. The second one is called The Deepest Well by Dr. Nadine Burke Harris. And it's a book on the discovery of ACEs, adult, I mean, adverse childhood experiences. And I want you to read that book. In fact, read that book first, and you will probably be able to look at your son's life and already start taking some of these off, okay? Some of these adverse childhood experiences. And it gives a play-by-play, a step-by-step on how to help heal children from these experiences so that they don't end up adults with these other challenges

okay okay i want you to hear me very closely your son won the lottery with you as his mommy okay thank you he's lucky lucky to have you but his journey to wellness his journey to stopping the cycle his journey to changing

his family tree doesn't start with more info and threats it starts with a mom who puts in the work to get healthy

okay and I put a lot on you just now and I know that but you deserve to be Who puts in the work to get healthy. Okay. And I put a lot on you just now and I know that. Mm-hmm. But you deserve to be peaceful too. Yep. Right?

Yes. So you reach out to somebody today. Okay? Okay. I will. You've got a lot of trauma to heal from too. Is that right? Yes. You've got a childhood to heal from too, is that right? Yes.

You've got a childhood to heal from too, right? Yes. Yeah. It starts today. Okay. And I want you to keep me and this squad here up to date. Give us an email every 30 days or so, every month or so. Just put it on your calendar, right? And we'll walk with you through this process.

I'd love to just have you call and check in with us every couple of months. And we'll have you back on the show to see how things are going. And as challenges arise, as they come up, you're going to start loving Stacy today. You start loving Stacy today. And that starts with you getting well. OK, so grateful for you. Little boy's lucky to have you. All right. Let's go to Noah in San Francisco. What's up, Noah? How we doing?

Hey, Dr. John. Doing good. How are you doing? Good, brother. What's going on, dude? Yeah, so I'm calling you today because I would like to get your advice on a situation that we're dealing with. Cool. Bring it on.

So my beautiful stepdaughter has turned five, and she's gotten to the age where she has realized that me and her biological dad have never met. Okay. And being a curious five-year-old, she asked him about it, and he told her that we have never met and that he won't ever meet me. Did he tell her why or just that he wouldn't? Just that. Okay. And now she's asking us about it, and we're not really sure how much information she can handle, what should we tell her. Tell her the truth.

Don't ever, ever, ever, ever lie to your kids. So do you want to see this guy for her sake i do you know when she gets older and starts having you know school events sporting events i would love for all of us to be able to sit together and enjoy these things you know for her sake have you ever reached out to this dude we've well through my wife we've tried i've never personally tried i don't have his phone number but we've tried and he just refuses to. So I want you to reach out to him. Somebody's got to go first. Okay?

I want you to be the dad in this situation. I want you to be the man in this situation. I don't want to gender it, but I want you to be the adult in this situation. And I want you to reach out to him because y'all are sharing parenting of a five-year-old little girl. And that's bigger than you being scared of him, him being acting like a... I want you to reach out to him because y'all are sharing parenting of a five-year-old little girl. And that's bigger than you being scared of him, him acting like a bratty little kid. Pisses me off, quite honestly.

It makes me mad because there's a little girl that's suffering at this deal. And I'm not mad at you, dude. But I want you to lean in hard on this deal and say, hey, we need to go have coffee because we're co-raising a daughter together. And I want to go have coffee with you, man. I want to go grab a drink. And I know it's going to be awkward. I know it's going to be hard. I know it's going to be whatever.

But for the sake of this little girl, I'd love to meet with you. And I'd love to map out a plan so that you and I are on the same page. And I want you to reach out and do that. And if your wife says, no, you can't talk to him, that's a problem, okay? Because y'all are all in this together. And when you married her, you didn't marry him, but he's in your life.

That's what you signed up for. And whenever they got divorced, then he signed up for there being other people. And at some point, he's going to get remarried. And whoever he gets remarried to is going to be a part of this picture too. So adults have to be adults and y'all got to get in this thing together. If he won't, if he says, you know, screw you, dude, I'm not meeting with you, you know, whatever, whatever, whatever. Then when your daughter says, well, why won't you ever, why can't you and daddy, whatever, say we are working on it. And sometimes adults have hard feelings too, but we're working on it.

And let that be that. And I want you to circle back every six months. Hey, brother, just checking in, man. Any chance we could get together? Talk about whatever your daughter's name is. Okay? And here's what's going to happen. In 10 years, when she's 16 or 17,

one of two things will happen. You and that dude will have made peace with the world. You'll have decided to put her ahead of y'all's ego. Your wife will be in it too. And the fact that she made a child with another dude, she's going to have to just make peace with. That guy's going to be part of her life forever. Y'all will either, A, all three of you be sitting by each other at a band concert or in the same room or whatever, or at a track meet or whatever's going on.

Or you're going to be able to sit down with your 15-year-old daughter and say, hey, I'm just going to show you this. Here is a track record of the last 10 years of me reaching out. Okay? I want you to know that I love you. Your mom loves you. Your dad loves you. Your other dad loves you. We've just struggled making relationships with each other.

It has no reflection on you whatsoever. It's not about you. It's about adults not being able to get our crap together, and I'm sorry. Okay? But that's not for years. Is that cool? Yeah. I like the idea of, you know, setting a track record, something to show her, you know,

because that's what I'm worried about, you know, when she gets later in life. I don't want her to have any type of feeling or resentment, you know, towards that situation. It's going to be less that. It's going to be more you've got adults speaking into a 15 16 17 year old almost adult telling her life things and here's what she should be doing and here's what a wisdom and adulthood looks like and she's going to have cognitive dissonance because she's going to be witnessing the adults in her life acting like little babies does that make sense and so you're going to be able to provide her with a picture of hey i've tried to control what i could control and i couldn't bring us all together i tried your

mom's gonna do the same thing i tried but all three of us love you crazy and so all three of us were at the theater performance we just sat in different places. And my hope is you keep chipping away at this dude, and he's going to say, you're right. Did their marriage end badly? Did she cheat on him or something? Like, what's his deal? It ended with some physical violence. It ended very poorly. But their relationship has gotten a lot better over the last four years.

Just unfortunately, ours has yet to start. So this dude just sucks. Yeah, pretty much. Okay. So he may be, like, if he's an abusive, egomaniac, idiot loser, he may not be able to have the courage or the maturity to put his daughter's needs first. If he's the kind of guy that will go hit a woman, he may just be such a spineless coward that he can't put his ego aside. Maybe he lost everything, including his daughter, including his wife,

and he changed. And maybe he's growing up, right? That's what I'm hoping for. And you putting an olive branch out there might be a measure of grace to a guy who's trying to change his life because he blew it. He lost everything, right? And that may be really incredible. But that starts with you. Okay. I wouldn't put that on your wife. She's been abused by this dude. She's been burned by this dude. This is the dad of a stepdaughter.

Okay. Are you scared to do that? No, not at all. You know, I would like to have a relationship with him, you know, because he's the father of my stepchild. I love her so much. And I, you know, like I said, in the future, I want to be able to have something stable for her, you know, when she gets older.

That's right. So do it because it's right. And it's going to be so hard. The excuse, well, I don't have his number, man. That's not an excuse. That should end in about eight seconds. Send him an email that he can write it to. Send him an email and y'all get onto this right away. And at least make him, send him an email that he can write it to. I can send him an email and y'all get onto

this right away. And at least make him, send him an email and then a text. Hey brother, I sent you an email. This is so-and-so. This is Noah. I sent you an email. Read it and give me a shout. And if he writes you back, I'll block you, whatever, then y'all deal with that then. But I don't, I don't know. I'm so optimistic that people could just need some connection, but I know that's not always accurate and right, but do the right thing, man. Do the right thing on behalf of her, on behalf of your marriage, on behalf of everybody. Okay. Do it on behalf of this guy, even though if he doesn't deserve it, reach out for him. All right. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season

for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest,

a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself, and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties,

not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and you can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit

betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. Hey, what's up? We are back. Let's go to Amy in Portland, Oregon. Hey, Amy, what's going on? Hi, thanks for taking my call. Of course. Thank you for calling.

This show would be really lame. It's a caller show. It would be really lame if people like you didn't call in. So what's up? How can we help? Well, I'm calling because I've been married for over 15 years to a really wonderful man. He's kind. He's supportive.

Can I just stop you? For some reason, it doesn't work the opposite. It doesn't work when husbands call about their wives. When a wife calls about her husband and preps it with like 10 different positive adjectives, I know something's coming. So I've been married 15 years. He's wonderful and great and what? And what?

Just drop the other shoe. Yeah. I am enabling him to continue to work part-time, to be generally lazy, to not take care of me and his family, and to spend time on YouTube and listening to podcasts and getting so into politics and things that matter to him, but I just can't do that anymore. And I'm just wondering, how do we move forward? Because I'm ready to do big, drastic things that make him understand this isn't working anymore. I don't feel like we have grounds for divorce or anything like that, but I mean, sometimes I think, like, do we separate our money now, or do I move out so he can see that he is dependent on my money to keep doing these things and he needs to work and so I'm just I'm not really sure how to go forward with this

whoa there's so much here number one you started the call with I'm enabling him and so I want to what's the right thing? I love that you are looking for the things that you can control. I don't know that you're enabling him because you're not his mom. And I know that over the last 15 years, he has been way more like a child to you than your partner and your lover and your best friend, right? You've been his mom for a while. Is that fair?

Yeah. Yeah. So in that sense, I guess you've enabled him, but he's a grown man, right? And so you have... He's almost 50. Yeah, he's a grown man via age. So maybe instead of enabling him, you have duct taped and nailed and screwed this family together. You've held it down while you've got a loser of a husband in the next room playing video games or learning the next conspiracy theory.

I don't know if that's enabling as much as you filled in all the gaps because you're trying to keep your family together. Do you have little kids? We do. We have two daughters, six and eight, who are even aware of this. I mean, they ask me, like, how come we don't do this? And I'm just like, because I'm the only one working full time. And they're like, what does that mean? Exactly. They're getting an extraordinary picture of what a partner looks like in marriage, right?

What a great image for them to carry around when they start dating. Oh, this is what, geez, you're going to get me all fired up. Yeah. Oh, man. Okay, so you've talked to him about this before. What's he say? Why won't he get a job? Why won't he work? Why won't he turn the stupid computer off? Um, he, he always says, I understand. I know that you're frustrated and, um, he, he has typically had one or two part-time jobs. and sometimes they equal about you know a full-time

amount of work but just with colin and other things like lack of ambition and initiatives to keep his non-profit going um it's kind of fizzled out god what non-profit is it is this some church related thing yeah it's a Christian ministry, and that's what's hard because— It's not. No, listen. We don't want to abandon that. I'm so sick of people using nonprofit Christian ministries to do nothing, to just sit there and be like, well, I'm just waiting for—it's an insult to— It's an insult to Christian faith.

It's an insult to people who are out working 14 hours a day to help feed their families and help feed their communities and their neighbors. It's an embarrassment. It's shameful. Okay. And yet, in theory, these things are great. Right. In theory, they're going to help. But his is not helping anybody, is it? And yet, in theory, these things are great, right? In theory, they're going to help.

But his is not helping anybody, is it? Not currently. No, it's not. It's not. It's not helping any. It pisses me off. Those things drive me crazy. No, I just want to start.

Go get a job. Go get a job and then take money and give it to homeless. Do that. Right. Um, I just, God's called me to quit everything and just, um, for my wife to work full time while I sit here and surf the internet and, and I'm like, it makes me rage out. So when you say you're about to do drastic things, what are you going to do? Well, um, about six months ago, I told him that I was going to leave if we didn't get a part-time job. Were you being serious or were you threatening?

No, I was serious. I had told him I had shown him the places I was looking into, moving into. Why haven't you left yet? I had figured out a budget. I don't think you're actually going to leave. I think you were threatening him. Like, well, you know that Tom at work thinks I'm pretty. What do you think?

I think that's what you were doing. Hmm. I feel like I was pretty ready to go, but I mean. But you're not going to. Yeah. Well, now I'm thinking about just taking my money that comes in from my job and just putting it into a different account? No, don't do that. Listen, if you do that, number one, you are modeling for your daughters what a strong, powerful woman looks like.

And you would be choosing to disconnect your marriage even further under the same roof. Don't do that, right? Don't heal cancer by shooting yourself in the foot. Okay, I won't do that. Does that make sense? Yeah, so I've had people from our church talk to him. I don't know what to do at this point. Yes, you do.

Oh, you think it's... Like, when you have sat down with him... No, listen, when you've sat down with him and said, I'm taking the internet out of this house. You have to get a job. What does he say? I know, baby, I know.

I'm just, I'm working. What does he say? He went out and got a part-time job that's bullcrap why won't he go get jobs oh yeah um because yeah the ministry or whatever i mean i'm at two point one so i'm ready for this it's not a ministry it's a waste of freaking time it's not um it's you cannot wrap up a bum with like a little jesus ribbon on it you can't do that well i'm really working no it's over close it tell him this that he is choosing a part-time failure over you and your daughters yeah Yeah. Because that's what he's doing. Because he's also,

he's putting a picture not only of a lazy partner, but he's creating a, your daughters are growing up with a exhausted, resentful mom. Because they pick up on your eye rolls. They pick up on your... They pick up on your...

Just your gritting your teeth. They're absorbing all of that. Yeah. And it's becoming the air they breathe. It's becoming normal. Yeah. And you, Amy, deserve more than that. Am I telling you to divorce your husband?

No, but he's cheating on you with a failing nonprofit. He's cheating on you with the internet. And I'd be willing to, I don't have a great car. It's a piece of crap, to be honest with you. But I'd bet it that he's got some sort of other relationships on that computer, too. Yes.

Whether it's pornography, whether it is his little political conspiracy theory buddies, right? Whatever it is. He's got an alt-universe that he lives in. And my guess is he is probably depressed beyond all depressed. He is.

And he is sitting in ash and he doesn't know how to get up. And I can talk to him. Your friends can talk to him. People from church can talk to him. A counselor can talk to him. Your friends can talk to him. People from church can talk to him. A counselor can talk to him. But until he decides, I want my life to be better for myself, for my wife, for my daughters, until he can put the mouse down and quit clicking, he's putting you in a position to have to choose the life of your daughters to choose your life. Does that make sense? No, it makes perfect sense.

So I'm not telling you to leave your husband, okay? I hate divorce. I'm high on marriage. I love it. But he's drowning your family. And I don't think, this is just me, I don't think you've been clear with him. I think you have tried your best to be a peacekeeper.

Yeah. Is that fair? Maybe tell me if I'm wrong. Tell me I'm wrong. No, you're right. I mean, I'm always trying to help him find the next solution and give him an idea of, you know, just a band-aid. Trying to always apply a new band-aid. That's right.

So there's something else going on in his life that he's either hiding from you or he's drowning in. Mm-hmm. And it's time for all of that to come into the light. And here's my guess, Amy. And you tell me if I'm right. My guess is there's other people that you're going to with your challenges or your frustrations or you're on a fast track to finding another life too, if you haven't already. I mean, I just talk to a counselor. I try to, you know, I try to do it right. Yes. Or I talk to women from my church, you know, I try to, I try to do it right. I mean.

But it's hard. Yeah. And so. Yeah, I mean, I've spoken openly with him whenever people are, men have given, paid attention to to me and I've said, you need to know that this is how affairs get started because someone is dissatisfied in marriage and then someone else starts giving them attention and so you need to do a better job in this marriage. And he's been very receptive to that and said, you know, I'm sorry and things get better temporarily. And so we're just always on this. It gets a little bit better. It goes back to normal.

So y'all are at, you're drowning. Okay. That's like you find a hole in your boat and he puts a piece of duct tape over it and you're drowning. Yeah. So you got to rip the router out of your house. I thought about that. Disconnect the internet today. Disconnect it.

And tell him, in my house and our house, we're not going to have internet. We're going to have each other. And you can tell him, I made an appointment at such and such family therapist. You're coming. And if you choose not to come, you're sending a very clear signal that you think this marriage is over. Yeah. And there cannot be ambiguity.

There cannot be any more peacekeeping. There cannot be any more protecting his feelings. Because you are drowning. Like when you're a lifeguard and somebody's drowning, they will, and they are, they will hit you, they will grab you, they'll drown you too. They will tell you to elbow them or punch them to get them to stop so that you can get both of you to shore. Okay. I'm not telling you to elbow

or punch him. What I'm telling you is you're trying to stay wrapped up with somebody who's drowning you. Right? Yeah. Okay. So all the lights come on tonight. All of them. Or you let him know tomorrow I'm taking a half day of work. The kids are going to such and such and we are having this conversation. And if you've got somebody that you trust, a counselor, you can have this conversation in front of them. Great. It may be good for you to go to your counselor and say, I'm at my or what moment. Because I will not let my daughters grow up in this. I will not be held hostage by a waste of time, failing nonprofit that prohibits my husband from getting a job or from being a present father or for putting down stupid political crap and being

present in our family. I will not be second rate to a YouTube channel and a whatever, whatever, whatever. And by the way, nonprofits are awesome. Nonprofit ministries are awesome, but they don't take precedence over your family. They don't take precedence over eating and they don't take precedence over math. They have to work. People have to want to be a part of these things. That's what, that's a whole other thing. Amy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but the dancing and the peacemaking is over. Now we're in it. Now you're in it. Lights are on. You're going to get somebody to sit with you. You're going to walk through. Here's the things that are going to be different in my home. You're going to ask your husband to be a part of it. And you're going to let him know clearly and unequivocally, not with threats, not with, well, you know, Bill thinks

I'm pretty. None of that crap. None of that. Well, I've got another apartment. If you don't, none of that, those games are over. You got two little girls watching this whole thing play out, absorbing every second of it. They deserve better than this. You deserve better than this. He deserves better than this. He's got to get help for his whatever addictions he's got, which he does. He's got to get out of these other communities, which he is, and he's got to get help for his depression. And somebody who loves him has got to flip all the lights on and say done.

Somebody says done. So I want you to let me know how that goes. Let me know how it goes. Okay. And it's going to be hard and it may not go great. All right. Or this may be finally, finally. Right.

Thank you so much for that call, Amy. Hey, you know what? We got a great song. It's the greatest song ever written, given to us by Sarah in the booth. Probably one of the worst transitions from that call to this song, but hey, we're in it now, and I've already got the lyrics here. Greatest song. Oh, man.

Hey, you know what? Maybe it's perfect. Maybe it's perfect. It's off the Back to the Future soundtrack, kids, and if you don't know that movie, stop everything. Quit your jobs. Tell your kids they'll be fine. Go watch Back to the Future.

Good grief. Don't do any of the things I just said, but watch Back to the Future. It's off the Back to the Future soundtrack by the one and only HL in the news, the Huey Lewis. I don't even know why I'm cheering like that. Guy's so rad, dude. Huey Lewis is so rad. That guy doesn't need a hype man.

He doesn't. He's his own hype man. They just break into acapella songs in the middle. They just jam. And they have a Congo player for no reason. So good. Huey Lewis and the News off the Back to the Future soundtrack. The song's The Power of Love, and it goes like this.

The power of love is a curious thing. Make a man weep, make another man sing. Change a hawk to a little white dove. Cool. More than a feeling, that's the power of love. Tougher than diamonds, rich like cream. Stronger and harder than a bad girl's dream. Make a bad one good and a wrong one right.

Huey, what are we doing here? Power of love that keeps you home at night. You don't need money. Don't take fame. Don't need no credit card to ride on this train. You could probably use a debit card, though, because I'm at Dave Ramsey's place. It's strong and it's sudden and it's cruel sometimes, but it might just save your life. That's the power of love right here on Dr. John Deloney Show.