The Dr. John Delony Show - I’m Worried My Son’s Dangerous Lifestyle Will Kill Him

Episode Date: October 25, 2024

In today’s episode, we hear about:  A mother worried her son has fallen into a dangerous lifestyle  A husband unsure if he and his wife can financially afford to have children  A divorcée struggling to trust herself with dating  Next Steps:  📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message.  📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life  📝 Anxiety Test   📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future   ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards   💭 John's Free Guided Meditation   🤘🏼The Dr. John Delony Show T-Shirts     Connect With Our Sponsors:  🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp.  🌿 Get up to 40% off at Cozy Earth with code DELONY.  🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial.  💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  🏥 10% off select packages at Marek Health with code DELONY.   💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne.  🥤20% off at Organifi with code DELONY.  🏔️ Use code DELONY at Poncho Outdoors.    Listen to More From Ramsey Network:  🎙️ The Ramsey Show  💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights    🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour  💡 The Rachel Cruze Show  💰 George Kamel  💼 The Ken Coleman Show  📈 EntreLeadership    Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy  https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy 

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney show. My son's life has devolved. He has been going to orgies, taking recreational drugs, has a third boyfriend, but is in a relationship with two people at once. And I feel like I am watching a car crash in slow motion. What up? What up? What up?

This is John with Dr. John Deloney-Schumpf. So grateful that you've joined us talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships, your friendships, your marriages, your children, whatever you got going on in your life. For two decades plus, I've been sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move. And here's the truth, all of us are going through something. Every single one of us is fighting a war that is either invisible or everybody knows about it, but everybody's going through something. And that's what this show is about.

Real people going through real stuff. And I'll sit with you and I'll help you figure out what's the next right move. If you wanna be on the show, I'd love to have you. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndoloney.com slash ask A-S-K. All right, let's go out to Lancaster. Not Lancaster, Lancaster, Pennsylvania and talk to Hannah. Hey Hannah, what's up? Hi Dr. John, thanks for answering my call. Of course. Thanks for for shutting us out man. What's up?

Well, I don't even know where to begin but cannonball right in the middle well, my son's life has Devolved into chaos and I have no clue what to do about it. How old is he? 25 years old He recently moved to New York City and when he first moved there, everything was normal. Everything was fine. He moved there for a good job. We were so proud of him. And then I guess a couple months ago, everything just started devolving. He has been, I don't even know if I can say this on the air. Say whatever you want to say, say it all on here man. We like, man, we do life here, so go for it. Well, ever since a couple months ago, He has been going to orgies, sex parties, taking recreational drugs. And

I know about this because he has been posting it all over the internet online. On top of this, he has a third boyfriend, not third consecutive, but is in a relationship with two people at once. And I feel like I am watching a car crash in slow motion. We've always been close and open with each other. I've always accepted him in many ways, but this feels like it's gone too far. Man. Are you guys still talking? Is there a communication lifeline open between the two of you? We do talk but I am now blocked on social

media. The only reason why I have seen these videos is because of my niece who I'm close with who is slightly younger than him, but about the same age. And she brought this to my attention because she was worried. And when I tried talking to him about it a little bit, I could feel him pulling back and he was just telling me that everybody lives this way. And I just can't believe that that is the truth. Yeah.

I'm sorry. It's hard to watch your adult son who's got adult resources putting himself in a position where I love how you said that. You just feel like you're watching a slow motion car crash with one of the most important people in your life in the driver's seat, right? It's just baffling because he was always the good kid, right? He was the goody two shoes. He got the good grades. Now he has a good job and I just don't know where I went wrong. I don't know what caused him to do this. I was about to go there. That kind of reverse engineering is not helpful right now. It probably will never be, but especially not right now. Okay.

Cause there's two things going on here. Number one, you're staring at yourself in the mirror saying, shame on you. Right? Right. Tell me about home life. Home life, you know, we got off to a rocky start. I had him really young. I had him at 17. So you know, I lived some life as well. But you know, we did our best to provide me and my husband were always loving and you know, accepted his identity.

He came out to us at 15. You know, we are a religious household, but we did accept him for that. We are proud of him. We just don't know what currently is happening. Often with the just countless young people I've sat with over the years, what's often goes unseen by their family members is just how brutal home, I mean, school life is, bullying is, ostracizing is, you know what I'm saying? It's just, it's just, it's just, it just breaks my heart.

It's broken my heart over and over and over again for two decades. We did deal with some of that, especially when he was out and you know it was only 10 years ago but things have changed a lot I feel. And it was a different time. Sure and in the 10 years before that or the five years before that when he knew that he was different but nobody else did like that's a lot of weight for a kid to carry alone right. But here's the deal. That is not even on the radar for me in terms of concerns. What you're telling me is you're watching your son become somebody that you have never known them to be, and that is somebody who's using drugs,

who's putting themselves at great risk, right? Not only with drug use, but with just out of control, multiple sexual partners, all the same time. All this stuff is just so, so quick, so fast, right? And so number one, let's move your identity off to the side. Think of it this way. If you have a loved one in a car

and let's say you left the car keys in the car and you see that loved one rolling off down the street, you sitting there wondering, why'd you leave the car keys in there or what could you have done differently? That's not the time for that. The time for that is to go try to stop that car. Right.

Right. I have a different take on this simply because of this is the age, the age of young person I've worked with most of my career. So I'm gonna put myself in your seat. If I was to have, my son was to be 25 and this very same thing was going on. Okay?

I would put in writing, I'm coming to see you, I'm coming to visit you, and I don't care right now if y'all can afford it or not. This is your kid. And I want you to have a specific date and a specific time. I'm going to meet you at this coffee shop at this time. Okay. I love you and I can't wait to see you. And then I'm going to start peppering over time after this initial conversation.

Here's that conversation. It's just going to be me looking across the table at my son. And I don't know about you, I've got one, my only son. And I'm going to say, I need you to look at me. I love you. And you can always come home. Okay. You can always come home.

Oh, mom, things are going great. I know, but I need you to never forget the words that are coming out of my mouth. You, my son, can always come home. Now, when he gets home, you can't use drugs in my house. We'll cross those bridges later. But you can't make a 25 year old do anything, but so now you have to rely on persuasion. You have to rely on love and connection. That was my fear because when I tried talking to him, I was just thinking to myself, you know, I don't want to push him away.

Well, I would throw that fear away. The only thing you're going to I would avoid running in and judging him. You know why? Cause he's judging himself. He knows. He knows. He knows, he knows, he knows, he knows, he knows. Okay.

So you adding to the chorus of that painful voice in his heart and mind is not helpful. That's where we'll get to the, hey, you can't do that in my house. We'll get to that stuff later. Right now it's about saving somebody's life. You can come home. And anytime you text him,

I want the conversations to be about, this is your mom's, she wants you to know I love you. And our front door is always open if things get too wild. Okay. Okay. And we're just gonna build that foundation there. If it's, again, I'm thinking down the road here, if there's an opportunity for an intervention,

if he's super sick, or if you see him suddenly and he's lost 40 pounds, you know what I mean? Like you really see him falling off the deep end, then I personally would be more intrusive. Here's why. It's their life. They're grown ups. I don't care. You're my son. And I'm not going to lose you. Right. I'm not going to your funeral, but right now I don't think we're there yet. Okay. Okay. Right right now I mean

He thinks he's having fun there you go, but I I know where it can go and You may not have been been all the way to where he's at, but you said when you're younger you had your days. I Mean sure. I mean I had him at 17. Does he does he know those stories? Mmm a little it's time I had him at 17. Does he know those stories? A little. It's time. It's time to put it all on the table, two adults talking to two adults. I mean, two adults talking to each other.

Okay? Okay. And if you fly to New York or drive, take the train into New York and you sit down and say, I need to tell you tell you a story Mm-hmm about a young girl And there's probably some dark stuff from when you were younger that he doesn't know about Mm-hmm. It might be time to put all that on the table and end that with I Love you and you can always come home Right. The door is open always

I'll never change the code on you. Okay, weird mom. Thanks for sharing me. Okay. I just need to tell you that and look at him and say, I'm your mom. And until you block my text messages, just now, I'm going to tell you on a regular basis that I love you. You can always come home. Right. We've always been close as a thing and we have been open. I mean, I've shared some things, not everything, but. Okay. I think it's time. Okay.

I think it's time. And here's the deal. There's going to be a night when he spun up and he's exhausted and has a moment of clarity, a moment of lucidity, and your voice will ring true in his head. Right. Okay. And if you have this conversation, really it's putting a stake in the ground. I'm not giving up my connection over you. And by the way, there's going to be jillions of people watching and listening to this. Don't read the comments on this, okay? Because there's going to be some pretty hurtful people saying, you need to just cut them off and what right that's people have never sat with hurting

kid right I mean that was my husband's initial reaction I know that no yeah no by the way you can't keep doing what he's doing right I mean it's not safe what he's doing he's putting himself in forget the morality is putting himself in horrific danger that's it I just don't want him to You know get addicted or get a disease or worse exactly exactly exactly exactly So putting some of those things on the table Y'all might have some places where y'all bond that he might have some stories for you And maybe you ask I won't tell you my story. I just want to know like, what was life like when you're 15 and you're 14? And maybe he'll open up with you

to you a little bit. We're just looking for as deep and as powerful of a connection as we can have. And in some ways it's reconnection because y'all are both adults. Right. I'm just concerned about the environment too. Like what is the environment he's in that tells him that this is normal behavior? That this is what everybody's doing. I mean, anytime a 25 year old tells me everybody, I mean, 40 year olds tell me everybody.

50, 80 year olds, everybody. No, they don't. That's one of the, like that's coaching and counseling 101 is when someone, everyone's okay. Name them who? Because it's not, it's not. The percentage of people who actively participate in multiple orgies is virtually nil.

It's just nice, right? And so the people so the people who participate in just rapid onset, dramatic, hard drug use, there's a fair number of them. It just doesn't last very long. Right. I mean, he's always wanted to go to New York City. There you go. And he's here.

And when he finally, yes, and we were, you know, supportive, but I think it's just all at once. There's a lot out there. Yeah, that's right. And so I think it's about reconnecting. And if he gives you insights, well, what do you think, mom? I think you can say things like I'm watching my baby boy die right in front of me. And I really, really am not interested in burying my son. Right. Right. That's different than you shouldn't be having sex before you're married.

That's a different conversation. You get what I'm saying? Right. Right. Yeah. This isn't about you not approving of his choices. This is about you watching your son engaging in some really quick onset of truly destructive behaviors all at the same time. So yeah, I've recommended parents for years, go see your kid in person. If on the off chance he won't see you,

sounds like he will cause you'll have been close. If he won't have coffee with you, if he won't have breakfast with you, if he won't have lunch or dinner with you, then it may be time to send a letter. But I wanna continually offer this refrain, you can come home, you can come home, you can come home. I don't care how old you are.

And we'll deal with the quote unquote judgment of the behaviors later. And by the way, for anybody who thinks, I'm just gonna cut them off, you probably haven't buried a kid. And I've sat with moms and dads who have, and I wouldn't wish that hell on anybody, anybody. And I have not met a young person in this situation that doesn't know they're over their head. I'm sure they're out there. I'm sure I'm gonna get blown up by 25

year olds like, no, bro, this is cool. We're just, we're just doing our thing. I haven't met one who doesn't know I'm over my head. And the only thing I know to do is the next crazy thing. And then the only thing I know how to do after that to wallpaper over how I feel, how hollow it feels, or the dopamine smash, when the body reacts with the pain on the other side of that teeter totter. And the depths of that hurt and that hollowness, they know. So we're gonna extend a hand. we're going to extend a hand.

We're not going to extend a fist. Blessings to you Hannah. Man, I'll be thinking about you guys. And dude, you want to do something wild? Have your son call me on the show. I'll do anything and everything I can to help him out. Thank you so much for the call. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. Let's be honest. A lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to.

We do this at work, we do this in social setting, we do this around our families, we even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept

all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself, and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp.

BetterHelp. BetterHelp has 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost.

Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Savannah, Georgia and talk to Alex. Hey Alex, what's up?

Hey Dr. John, thank you so much for taking my call and thank you for all you do. Thank you brother. What's up? So I'm going to cut to my question and I'll give all you do. Thank you brother. What's up? So I'm gonna cut to my question and I'll give you some background as you request it. Essentially, my wife and I are at a season where we're planning to have a baby.

Awesome. But I've also, thank you. I've also, I've always had a bit of a scarcity mindset, I guess you could call it. So I don't feel that we're, I don't feel like emotionally ready to have a baby because I don't know if our finances are in order to do so. I think they would say they would,

but it's such an emotional block for me because I'm so used to preparing for everything and that it's affecting our ability to have, not, you know, it's just affecting us. Yeah. So let's just talk straight up objective, okay? You have the money, don't you? I mean, I don't really know how to answer that. I can give you the practical figure. The practical figure is we make $1,200 more a month than we need to live and we're halfway through baby step three. Okay. You can

afford to have a baby. Okay. Thank Okay. You can afford to have a baby. Okay. Thank you. You can afford to have multiple babies. Okay. And here even beyond you have, you have 1200 bucks extra every month over your bills. Let me go one step deeper. Um, what in your house can you sell? Can you get an apartment? Can you get rid of your nice cars and drive crappy cars? What in your house can you sell? Can you get an apartment?

Can you get rid of your nice cars and drive crappy cars? People tell me like I quote unquote can't afford a baby or I can't afford babies. Housing is astronomical right now. Child care is insanely expensive. There's no question about those things. But often it's these other variables. But what about, and what about we have to live here? What about we can't get rid of the new F-250?

What about, there's all these other extraneous things. And I'm telling you, we've done this really crazy ROI in our world where we have to get all this stuff first and then the kid comes and dude, it's, I have literally zero regrets. I've done some things, I've hurt people over the years. I've done things I wish I could take back. The regret I have is that I only had two kids

because I did not understand the capacity for love and how it transformed my life. And by the way Alex, I'm still not emotionally ready to have kids. You know, I'm not. I don't know that anybody is. So how do I get over sort of this scarcity mindset of... What are you scared of? That I'm scared that I'm I'm scared of everything. I'm scared. I'll give you an example. I'm trying not to take most of your time. Hey bro, it's just us two. We're good. We're good. Do you take my time? I'm trying to get to the root of it. What is it? So like when we plan our wedding, my wife said we can have a wedding that costs X amount

of money. And I was like, we'll never be able to afford it. And we did. And we went to look at a house and I wanted to buy a town home and that was X amount of dollars. And she said, no, we work really hard. We can afford this. And we bought the nicer house and we can afford it.

But if I can't, and I'm trying not to to get emotional if I can't plan it and see it then I don't I don't feel secure in it. I know but where does that lack of security come from? Did somebody bail on you when you were a kid? No, I was I was the recipient of a lot of fundraising growing up. I have a medical condition and that fundraising changed my life, but it also showed me the value of a dollar at 14 years old and what it was like to not have that money.

And then, literally, directly after that, right, it was 2008, my parents lost their house. Like so many people, right, and they recovered. But ever since then, it's always been planned for security, planned for security. And we weren't broke. Like I've never gone without anything. We were, we were upper middle class, but like... Yeah, but it's not that. It's the, it's the, it's the electricity that was in your home. It was that look on your dad's face, those little like, those little tiny almost imperceptible

winces when he had to take somebody else's money to take care of his own son. 100%. And those are stamped in your nervous system and that's okay. And so now, I know, but listen to me, that fear you have, there's not something wrong with you. You're in this weird dance where you have all of the success and you always, it always, you've managed to work it out. And even when your parents lost everything, they lost their home, you look up and 10 years later

and they're back, right? Yeah. Yeah. So the challenge for you is you get in this loop to where your body feels the worst thing that could happen and Then you beat yourself up for even feeling it because you're surrounded by blessing right now Yeah, I feel guilty that I have so much. That's it. That's it That's it. And so here's the deal I have the same I have the same wiring in my system when it comes to I need to plan everything out in case because My wife makes fun of me if one of my kids says the words daddy. I'm still hungry

Did I freak out? Bro, I did too. Well, when my sisters are like, you know, I want some more to eat Like I'll give you any amount of food. You know what I mean? Yes, yes. And so listen to me, you are not screwed up. I'm glad your heart is like that. And I'm also glad you, like me, married well. Cause we got somebody else.

We got somebody else that can see, can shine a light in that dark. And by the way, there's also times when our over planning has been right. Fair? Fair. Okay. So it's both of us are working on this thing together. The scariest thing is having a kid because you can't predict the outcome.

And. And, and you can't know the outcome. And it's transcendent even when it's bad, even when it's scary. So here's kind of your path forward, okay? I'm gonna butcher the quote because I don't have to top my head, but it's an old C.S. Lewis quote, which is essentially, the only way to never get hurt is to lock yourself up, lock your heart up, and throw the key away. Right. That's it. But in doing so, you also will never live.

Yeah. Okay? Do you want to have live. Yeah. Okay. Do you wanna have kids? Yeah, like so much. Go get it. Go get it brother. And here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna have those same feelings of scarcity.

And there's gonna be some times you spoil them. And there's gonna be some times when you're over planning is really a blessing and a gift. Thank God Alex was there. And there's gonna be times times when you're over planning is really a blessing and a gift. Thank God Alex was there. And there's gonna be times your wife has to put her hand on your knee under the table, so you can drop your shoulders because you're starting to get nervous.

And in your lifetime, in your kid's lifetime, there will be a wild economic correction or more. There will be times of pain. There will be times of pain there will be times of struggle all of that is true and you and your wife together use it being smart you guys don't owe anybody any money right now right right yeah dude you're so far ahead of the game but here's the deal. This conversation is not one in a spreadsheet This conversation is about it's like me and you we just love the spreadsheet I know but it's a pacifier it's a Xanax

It's fake It's some sort of illusion that we can actually dictate what goes in the next cell. And we're wrong. We're lying to ourselves. It's our way of just... It's a pacifier. It's a blankie. Right? Yeah. And planning is good. It's both and. So plan the best you can. And so like, you know, Dave Ramsey tells people to get three to six months emergency fund. I cheat

sometimes and I have more than that. Not a crazy amount more, but I do. I call it my sleep tax. That money would be earning more in a mutual fund, it would be earning more in a Roth. But I have it in a savings account just for me. Just for my family, right? It's a little bit more and I'm okay with that. Yeah. You get what I'm saying? I do. It's okay and I don't go crazy with it and I give my wife permission to say hey that doesn't that doesn't make a lot of sense and I go yeah you're right. And even I'll tell you this the other day my wife said with the election coming up. She goes Hey, if anything goes sets off, we're okay, right and I just smile and go we're okay

You know what I mean? It's both and it's both and Yeah, I appreciate it but Alex I want you to have ten kids I don't. I just want to have one kid. Yeah, don't have, I mean, tens a lot. Yeah, tens of much. I gotta get a bigger car if I get ten kids. You're gonna have to get a new car anyway, dude. Just let it ride. But here's the thing. Yeah, you can't plan for it. And, um, you've overcome a lot in your life. Is that fair?

Yeah. Okay. There's not a doubt in my mind after overcoming medical conditions, overcoming your parents losing everything, overcoming a wedding, overcoming buying a house, overcoming your personal and professional and romantic challenges, and y'all got a house

and you got a job, I'm not worried about you in the slightest. I want men like you raising kids in this world. I appreciate that. Okay. Yeah, you just want to do the best for me now. Of course we all do. And just to let you off the hook, you're not going to sometimes. to let you off the hook, you're not going to sometimes. You're gonna screw up a lot. Yeah. So go into it knowing that. It's like a baseball player who never wants to swing and miss.

Yeah. Like that's just gonna happen. And if you get a hit three out of 10 times, they'll put you in the hall of fame. Yeah. Be a little bit better as a dad, right? You want to do better than 30%. But you get what I'm saying. Yeah, for sure. I want men like you raising kids in this in this crazy sideways world. I appreciate it. Men

who care, men who plan, and men who want to love deeply. I appreciate it. Cool? Yeah, thanks so much. Will you send me a picture of the baby? Yeah man, as soon as we get it back I'll slide in your DMs and send you the baby ultrasound. Awesome and I think the name John for a boy is excellent and... Yeah I'll pass that along. I appreciate it. Do not. Do not name your daughter Kelly. There's a whole host of just curses that go with that. So you got this. Hey brother. I'm proud of you. Appreciate the call, man. Every time you feel like you're going off the rails on a crazy train put your fist in your chest and exhale and say out loud I'm good.

I've been here before and I'll be here again and I've planned and I'm good. I've been here before and I'll be here again. Enough planned and I'm good. I can go love deeply now. Awesome, proud of you, I'm proud. Thanks for the call brother, we'll be right back. Have you ever had seasons of chaos and busyness and madness? And one of the most stressful things in your day going on is the fear of going to bed

because you know you're just gonna lay there and be uncomfortable with racing thoughts and frustration and you're hot and ah! Listen, I've found that a key to making bedtime a place that I look forward to going for great sleep and rejuvenation, especially when the rest of my life is chaos, is I have to create a peaceful sleep environment. I call it my sleep sanctuary.

Sleep sanctuary begins with my end of night routine and that means Cozy Earth bed sheets, towels and pajamas. I love Cozy Earth astonishingly comfortable sheets. They're world class towels and bath products and my wife is in love with their sleepwear. And Cozy Earth products aren't just comfortable, they're durable. They're made from viscose from bamboo so they're smooth as silk and tough as iron. Plus, Cozy Earth offers a 10-year warranty on all of their bedding. I want you to look forward to going to bed, especially when things get bonkers. And I want you to find your peaceful sleep sanctuary with Cozy Earth. Go to CozyEarth.com slash Deloney or use code Deloney for an exclusive discount for up to 40% off. That's CozyEarth.com

slash Deloney. And if you get a post purchase survey, say that you heard about Cozy Earth on the Dr. John Delaney Show podcast. Hey, we are back. Hey, listen, I talk to couples every day who love each other, been married for one year, five years, 25 years, whatever, and they become roommates. They become co-household managers. They've become great at doing the things of life and they miss each other. They miss each other. They miss their friends. Right? And so as a society, we've made it weird to talk about sex. We've made it weird to talk about intimacy. We've made it weird to ask deep questions and kind of like, yeah, yeah, questions, right? We don't know how to do that anymore. So I've

got you. Brand new for the first time. You guys have been asking for this and asking for this. And so we've created question for humans intimacy edition. Oh yeah. You're gonna talk through questions, help you build a stronger, more intimate marriage, feel connected, and you're gonna have a great time together. And it's not gonna be awkward.

Y'all are married. It's gonna be fun. You can learn something about each other. And by the way, you can keep going back to these things because our Eros our intimate lives are what things we're into things We're not into things we want to try things We don't want to try that all changes over time and so this deck of cards is gonna go with you

For ever and so and by the way, I've got new questions for humans decks for couples friends and parents Those are the three most popular editions We've got episode three of Couples, Friends and Parents. Go to ramsysolutions.com slash store. Questions for Humans, Intimacy Edition. Going to change your marriage. All right, let's go out to Greenville, South Carolina and talk to Linda. Hey, what's up, Linda?

Hi. How are you? I'm good, how are you? I'm good. I'm great too. What's up? I'm good, good. Well, I'm good. I'm great too. What's up?

Well, I'm looking forward to hopefully getting some insight from you on something I've been stuck on. I was married for 10 years and I've been divorced for about two years now. And since dating after divorce, I've really kind of been stuck in this loop of, you know, when I'm with someone, I feel like I'm settling because I can do better. Or on the other side, after getting to know someone really well, I start to kind of pick them apart in my head and find reasons as to why it won't work out. And then I end up breaking up with them. So my biggest question is, how do I really know when someone's right for me? Because I've had opportunities and I want to be open to love and getting remarried but I just always find a

reason and look for every way that it might cause problems or something might be an issue. Man, that's a loaded question. If I had, if there was like a way to put that in algorithm, which I'm sure there's a room full of geeks trying to figure that right out right now. If you could put that in algorithm, you'd make a trillion dollars. So here's the, here's a couple of questions and then I'll land the plane.

What are you getting? What are you getting out of picking somebody apart or breaking up with them? What's that get you? Lost time, really. I don't like wasting my time. No. What does it get you?

Dating. What does it get you? It gets you some productive things. What does it get you? How's that helping you? I don't feel like it helps me. You keep doing it and your body keeps doing it. Just getting you something.

What is it getting you? Is it control? You tell me. I don't know. I think I'm afraid of if I meet the right person that I'm going to let them go because I have, I think I'm honestly terrified of just picking a bad partner. How come? And I have two kids. I'm honestly terrified of just picking a bad partner. And I have two kids.

Where does that fear come from? A bad marriage and relationship for 13 years. Tell me about it. It was just not a great relationship. He had a great youth and addicted to video games and porn. And I felt really alone my whole relationship and so I'm really protective of my peace now I think you know I've created a life with my kids that I'm really proud of. What would a new partner like when you

sit down and dream about wanting to meet quote-unquote the right person, what would that feel like? A healthy family. Yeah, that's like on the back of Oprah magazine. What does that feel like? It feels like peace. It feels comfortable. It feels like laughter and unity, love amongst each other.

So nowhere in there did you mention a receding hairline or not. Nowhere in there did you even use the word perfect because you know that's not real. Right. And so when I ask you what's the thing that your body's getting, what I'm hearing is your body's getting safety.

Because it doesn't want to do what it did again. Is that fair? Yeah, that's fair. So you're getting something from it. The challenge before you is twofold. Number one, I just don't buy at all zero, not in the scientific literature, not in the qualitative literature, and not just in real life. I don't believe in the language of quote unquote, the right person.

Or the one person. right person or the one person. And so it almost feels like you met somebody and how long did you know this person before? Um, the person I'm with now, no, no, no. Your, your first husband, for over 13 years, like we went in high school and dated in high school. I'm 34. Yeah. Okay. So that's, Yeah, okay, so that's I was Relationship but but there was an inevitability to it

You met him in high school y'all were madly in love y'all made out everyone told you he was the one you were the one Y'all figured it out and you just got me like you got on a train when you're 14 and he just took off Mm-hmm, you know what I'm saying Yeah, and so there's this You get what I'm saying? Yeah. And so there's this idea that like, I'm gonna control this next one, I'm gonna drive it. I'll use that word control, I like that.

But every time it starts to feel good or it doesn't, like I'm out, I'm out, I'm out, I'm out, I'm out. Yeah, I'm very quick to just cut it off and run. Yeah, and so here's the thing. There's no judgment in that. There's no judgment in that. The quote unquote right person. Actually, I want to, I'll use the word right. The right person is going to be the person you decide to stick it out with. And it's more about choice. I think meeting someone who I love enough to go through difficult times with, but the

fear of the unknown of what if they change or what if they're not who they present themselves to be. And so I ask a lot of hard questions and I really try to dig deep in the beginning. I know, but you're interviewing them for a job. You're trying to screen them instead of get to know them. Yeah. But when you screen somebody, you set yourself up in like a hiring position

across the table, there's a hierarchy there. And so finding the next right person is, hey, I'm a mess, you're a mess. You want to make something amazing together? Cause I'm gonna give you a hundred percent certainty they will change, so will you. Yeah, a hundred percent certainty your kids will grow up and that will change the dynamic of your relationship.

Everything will change over time. It's, do I wanna change with you? And will you change with me? That's the question Okay, and that becomes a choice and that's gonna become a choice too They're gonna gain or lose ten or fifteen pounds or forty like there. I'm just gonna be live with you They are going to want to eat at places that you don't like to like there's just gonna be life and it's gonna be vice versa and

And I think a screening process is good. You know what you like and so don't beat yourself up if there were some things about your ex that you're like, these are deal breakers for me. I don't date guys who are into pornography. I just don't. I don't date guys with the slightest hint of an anger issue. But I do want guys who are passionate and I did love that about him. See what I'm saying? Yeah. Have you thought about the things that you

do want? Yeah, I feel like I have a good idea of the things I want and I think it involves more just family life and it's hard with kids. I have a seven and four year old. So, you know, depending on if someone has not had kids or does have kids, you know, what that looks like and how those lives would intermingle. Chaotically. Yeah. Math-ass.

Yeah. And it's just, you guys, there's not an easy path. It's blending a family is very, very tough. It's very tough. And it just takes like a choice. Let's go do a tough thing together. An almost daily figure this thing out. But I want you to not avoid the harder question.

What do you want? You want a tall guy? You want a handsome guy? Do you want butterflies again? Do you want someone who's a great kisser? Someone who's like, what do you want a handsome guy, do you want butterflies again, do you want someone who's a great kisser, someone who's like, what do you want? I really just want peace. I want someone who can come to find me.

That's such a PC. I do. I want someone who I can respect, someone who's farther along in life than me, someone who can, you know, I can take care of myself. I'm very independent, but someone who cares about also taking care of me. And who will love my kids. There you go. And not have to parent them,

but support me and them and loving them. And we're gonna have fun with and laugh. Now you're getting to it. I want somebody who's older than me, somebody that I'm attracted to, somebody that doesn't need to take care of me, but someone who will take care of me because they want to. Yeah.

And someone that you'll feel safe enough to release yourself into their care. And right now you're pretty puckered up. Rightfully so. Because you've had to be. Right. Is that fair? It all makes sense. Here's a question.

I'm not sure if you're going to answer this one. I'm not sure if you're going to answer this one. I'm not sure if you're going to answer this one. I'm not sure if you're going to answer this one. I'm not sure if you're going to answer this one. I'm not sure if you're going to answer this one. I'm not sure if you're going to answer this one. Right. Is that fair? It all makes sense. Here's my last little thing I'll tell you. And this is the most annoying, scary thing. You can't reverse engineer the quote unquote right person. You don't find your soulmate. You don't find the them and then live happily ever after.

You find somebody and say let's go become soulmates together over time so that when one of us is burying the other one in our 90s, the other one of us can't breathe because part of our lungs are in the ground. And this thing, this mystical Hollywood ization is just it's just a total fabrication. It's not real It's this choice like okay, you make me laugh and I every time we go I go home. I can't wait to be around you again, and I watch how you respect my kids and how you take a knee and talk to my four-year-old so that you're eye level and how you don't

disrespect me as though you're gonna come in and be my my my dad but you respect me and say I want to be able to provide alongside you and then we're gonna go figure the rest of the stuff out because it's going to get messy together. Are you in? I'm in. Yeah. And the only way to move forward is to risk getting hurt again. That's scary. I can't, I mean, I can't imagine how scary that is. It's only theoretical for me. I've only sat with people and read about it. I haven't had to go through it. I can't even wrap my head around how scary that would be. That was your high school sweetheart.

You know what I mean? That was your high school sweetheart. Yeah. So tell me about who you're dating now. He's amazing. He's great. He calms my nervous system and gives me a lot of peace. And it's just, I have a lot of respect for him for who he is and

what he does and how he's just kind and there's a lot of good qualities about him. You are grossing me out Linda. Okay have you sat down and put your hands on either side of his face and said I really like. I'm about to go all in on you. Not like that, no. Why not? What are you scared of? I'm afraid of I'm going to get cold feet. You probably will. And the question will be, will he sit next to you

and put his feet in the cold water too? Your body would be failing you if it let you go through this new dating, this new potentially marrying somebody new. Your body would be failing you if it let you go through this new dating, this new potentially marrying somebody new. Your body would be failing you if it let you go through this without apprehension. It's been there before. It knows this drill. And so you're going to have to choose to go into that apprehension and through it because

that's where peace is on the other side of it. And also that's where potential a lot of harm is too, right? Yeah. Firemen run to the fire to put it out and they get burned sometimes. But that's the only way the fire gets put out is to go right through it. I like that. If he, if he, hey, if he's worth hanging on to I Think he's worth being honest with Think he's worth being honest with and I want you to go back and listen to this call when it posts because your voice just gets all In all the best ways I love it. It reminds me of Dawson's Creek and I love that. I don't want to wait

I love that. I don't want to wait. I love that that just Somebody talking about somebody that they're just starting to fall head over heels For and they're trying to stop themselves from falling head over heels, but it's just happening and I love it It's one of my favorite things in the world the challenge is Can I lay can I fall head over heels for somebody land upright? Go through that dip that natural And then say, okay somebody, land upright, go through that dip, that natural, and then say, okay, we're gonna make the next right choice. I'm gonna take this step, will you take it with me?

Let's go build an amazing life together. Or not, or break up with him, wait for somebody else. But this guy, I don't know, he sounds kind of special. I'm rooting for you, Linda, I'm rooting for you. Instead of saying the words like, is somebody better gonna come along? Exchange the word better for, is the right guy here?

Am I gonna go make a choice? And am I the right woman for him? And will he make a choice? Let's go build something amazing. We'll be right back. I'm always on the move, both outdoors and indoors, and I'm always looking for ways to simplify my chaotic life. And this is why I wear the same thing almost every single day.

I either have a black t-shirt on, or I'm wearing a shirt from Poncho, the best performance shirts for men on the planet. Poncho shirts are literally the only button-down shirts I wear or even own. And here's why. Poncho shirts are lightweight, breathable, and super durable. Their shirts dry quickly,

and they have slim and regular fits for different body types. And poncho shirts are flexible, so they move with you, not against you. And they have super soft denims and flannels ready for you, because fall is, thank God, finally coming soon. I love poncho shirts and I'm confident you will too. Head over to ponchooutdoors.com

and try them out for yourselves. Enter code DELONIA to check out to get a free t-shirt or a hat with any purchase of a button down shirt. That's ponchooutdoors.com code D'Loni. All right, we're back. All right, Kelly, are you the problem? Am I the problem? Who's the problem? Probably both of us, truth be told. Agree.

But this is from Robin. She says, my dad has been a horribly uninvolved grandparent to my children. The past two years I've gotten texts here and there asking if he can bring over a birthday gift or a Christmas gift for my five-year-old. When I say yes, he'll stop by, drop off the gift, shove his phone in their face to grab a photo of them, then leave after about 20 minutes without interacting with them at all. He only lives about 10 minutes away and ironically used to complain about his father being uninterested in me when I was a child.

It makes me super uncomfortable knowing that he's going to go back and to show the photos to his girlfriend, who was actually his affair partner that caused my parents' divorce after 37 years. But that's a whole other story. And then he's going to act like grandfather of the year. It's been a few months since I've heard from him, but I'm considering not letting the kids see him anymore the next time he contacts me. Would I be the problem for being blunt in telling him that my family is not interested in his fake involvement and to reduce any further contact? I want

my kids to have a grandfather so badly, but he's been such a bad example, it almost seems the worst that he only comes around every once in a while than not having anyone at all. Can a hot take this one? I wouldn't want to hang out with her. I would not want to go to her house.

Why? Because she invents stories about me. And there's not a way this man can win. Cause I'm guessing she has never sat down and said, dad, your dad was never involved with us. Here's what I would love to see, how I would love to see you involved in our life. What she does is she crosses her arms and says,

I want you to dance like I want you to dance and he doesn't do that He does no model for that. He doesn't do it. Is he doing a good job? No, he's doing a terrible job He's not doing good But the fact that he comes to get a picture of his grandkids and drop off a gift by the way That's not horribly uninvolved because on this show and in my private life the calls I take from friends and family and strangers I'll show you horribly uninvolved. He's trying.

And for some reason in my guts, he's got a very clear picture that like, I don't, you don't do this right when you're around us. You don't, you don't fulfill the fantasy I have in my head about you. And he knows I'm going to drop this gift off because it's right. I'm going to take my picture cuz that's all I got and then you make up a story about he's off telling people he's the great you don't know so I don't know maybe I'm wrong I think that there's clearly some baggage here from her parents divorce tell me more I mean and I think that she's using that every time

he shows up she beats him with that luggage, and I think that she's using that every time he shows up she Beats him with that luggage. Yeah, so the fact that she said so he they divorced after 37 years And he had an affair clear and he's with this woman now So he clearly knows he is not welcome in that house. And so either She needs to sit down and say dad. I have not forgiven you for blowing up your marriage and for cheating on mom. I don't want you around my kids. Take ownership of that. Or, but it feels like there's, I don't know,

there's something about this that's just clawing at me, which is that man knows I'm not welcome in this house. Or maybe you've forgiven him. Dad, you cheated on mom and you blew up everything, but everything But you're still my dad faults and all and I love you This whole dropping off and just taking pictures. I want you to come spend time with us I want you to come all the time by the way, your girlfriend's not welcome I don't like her like whatever the things are But give it give a dad a roadmap give your mom a roadmap and let them opt out

But don't as I've said before don't write a script and start filming a movie that your parents are casting, they don't even know they're in it, and then get mad at them for not knowing the right lines. They don't even know, they don't know. But I guarantee you that dad knows, I'm not welcome here. I want those kids to know I always dropped off a gift for them

and I always took their picture and I'm gonna have a library of pictures. So if you sit down and say, and talk what's really going on about this divorce or by cheating on mom, you'll have that conversation. And you say, I want you to come over every Thursday night for dinner with the grandkids. Great, I want you every once a week, every Saturday morning,

I want you to come pick the kids up and take them somewhere. And he goes, I ain't doing that. Okay, then yes, feel free to cut them off or whatever you want to do. I just think especially parent relationships have just gotten so disposable and so dramatic and I'm just sick of it, man. People are just chopping their family trees off at the roots because parents said the wrong thing or they did whatever. Give people a chance, give them people a roadmap back to your heart, give them a path back to the life you wanna invite them into

and then let them opt out of it. Instead of just whatever, crossing your arms and looking down your nose at somebody. That's what I have to say about that. I don't have anything to add. I can't believe it. It's pretty great. I'm feeling hot takey today.

Yeah. I mean, we've been doing some research for a further down the road teaching segment that or you know, that'll come up about this, what you talked about, you and I've talked about it. And I think you're right. And we're seeing that in the data that that's happening. People cut their parents off. We're seeing it sometimes for good reason.

Sometimes not so much. I think good reason, sometimes not so much. I think often, often. For not so much. Further talk about that. Whew. Man, we were about to land a plane on a pretty clean show and then I was like, nah, let's crash it. Let's crash it.

Love you guys, stay in school, don't do drugs, be nice. Bye.