The Dr. John Delony Show - Improving Communication With Your Spouse

Episode Date: October 24, 2022

On today’s show, we hear from: - A husband afraid of burdening his anxious wife with his depression struggles - A woman concerned about her overweight adult son’s mental health - A mom who feels like she and her needs are invisible to her family Lyrics of the Day: "Going To California" - Led Zeppelin Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I feel like my kids and my family are totally in love and enamored with my husband, and I just feel invisible. He is extroverted, handsome, outgoing, smart, funny, and I'm none of those things. I call bullcrap on a stick. You are not telling the truth. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Dancing like we've never danced before on the greatest mental health and relationship and parenting podcast ever recorded. So glad that you joined us.

Don't forget to leave your five-star reviews. If you got three-star reviews, give them to your mom. Just kidding. I don't know. If your mom has a podcast, don't do that. That would mess up Thanksgiving.

But please leave your five-star reviews and please let folks, send them the show. If you think, man, they really need to hear this episode, send it to them. Even though it's going to be weird, send it their way.

And one way you can really help out the show with no money, no anything, just subscribing. So thank you so, so much. Dude, we have a packed gang out here, man. It's good to see everybody. This is going to be awkward for everyone today, so it's good to see y'all. All right, let's go to Ryan in Arlington, Virginia. What's up, Ryan? Hey, Dr. John.

How are you today? I'm good, brother. What are you up to, man? Oh, not much. A little nervous, a little nervous. I promise I'm more nervous than you. Hey, so I got a question for you. That question would be communication skills. I'm just going to get right to it. I have a question for you. That question would be communication skills.

I'm just going to get right to it. I have a question, and that question would be. All right, go ahead. Hey, we're in it together, man. What's up? All right, so my communication skills are just horrible. You don't say. You don't say.

I don't say, yeah. And I feel like it's interfering with some of my marital life. And then a little bit in personal life, just with like some family members and stuff. Just I'm not, I don't know, I'm not able to communicate my feelings that great. It's caused a lot of stress, I think, in the marriage. Sometimes when my wife, you know, has something that's bothering her, I'm just, I'm not really there for her like I should be. Why? Let me put it this way.

Communication is a skill set, right? It's something we learn and something you practice and you get better at over time. And you have to have two people that communicate, right? You can't just be one person dumping into this endless, bottomless pit, okay? Right. The other side of is the way you're laying it out for me is that you've got all the,

you've got this singular challenge and it's causing problems all through your life, but you're not doing the little things like communicating. Right. So what is not communicating getting you? Cause it gets you something. I feel safer not communicating, I guess. Okay.

What are things you wish you could communicate that you're not communicating? Sometimes my own feelings. My wife, she's a little bit of an anxious person too, but I feel like sometimes communicating my thoughts and feelings might put a big load on her that I don't know if she is ready to handle or anything like that. is often a function of disconnection. And that's some nerdy talk to say, if your wife knows something's going on inside of you, she feels that. And when you don't tell her or can't tell her or shy away from the conversation, her body starts sounding the alarms that something's wrong. That something is probably wrong with her. She needs to fix something so that the relationship with you is okay. And my guess is that's a pattern that's been a part of her life for a long, long time because we usually marry our own messes. And so I would suggest the opposite. Truly saying what

you need and what you're thinking and what you're feeling will potentially give her, maybe at first it'll spark, it'll put some oxygen on the fire, it'll make it brighter and a little bit taller. But over time, that it will truly connect you to and the anxiety will go down. See how this gets self-reinforcing? Okay. So what are the things that you're not telling her? What are your thoughts and feelings that you're holding back? And let me say it this way. The only way through this, dude, the way to practice communication is being honest.

And that's not your thing. So do it here. Yeah. Yeah. and that's not your thing so do it here yeah yeah say it say it do it there are some things like when we

we got married fairly young into the relationship so like three months of dating we got married how old are you? a year I'm 30 how long have y'all been married? into the relationship. So like three months of dating, we got married. Woo! How old are you? A year. I'm 30. How long have y'all been married?

Six years. Okay. A year into our marriage, we had our first child. And then fast forwarding to now, we've got three, three childs. So ages five, three, and one. So a little, little bit of stress with that type of stuff. Um, but, but we love our kids. They're great. You liar. You liar. Go ahead. We do love them. We love them until they turn 18. Then we'll be glad to see them go. Um don't miss them, right?

I don't know. I just have a hard time expressing my thoughts and feelings about things. Certain things, like maybe her, like she's real close to her family. And a lot of my values and beliefs don't really go fully against what her family sees things. And it kind of puts her in the middle of things. really go fully against like what her family sees things and she, it kind of puts her in the middle of things. And I feel like if I try to address those situations, then it puts her in a hard spot to try to pick between them or me. Do you realize how you're treating her like your daughter a little bit? You're not, you're not giving her things like this morning.

My family is, we're meeting in Los Angeles, but they flew out this morning. I'm gonna fly out this afternoon. And my daughter was trying to carry this big suitcase and she couldn't carry it down the stairs. And so down into the basement, into the garage. And so I carried it down there for her

because I'm her dad and I got bigger muscles than she does. And that's what you're trying to do with your wife your wife's a grown woman she's married mother of three i would guess she's a gangster and when you hold stuff back from her because you're worried that she can't then you are you are making come true what you're hoping isn't going to happen which is a woman who feels trapped between somebody who's not being honest with her and treating her like a kid and a group of people who are never honest with her and who treat her like a kid. Does that make sense? It does. Go back to the beginning. You... Go back to the beginning. Y'all are married,

but y'all don't have much of a marriage, do you? Y'all run a daycare center together. Is that fair? That's very fair. Okay. Your marriage is in desperate need of y'all two dating each other

because you you're desperately close to I can hear it in you you're desperately close to turning into roommates if you're not already or co-workers who

in a factory that makes children and if you haven't already, you are a spider's web away from finding love somewhere else. And she is too. That doesn't mean you're going to sleep with somebody else, but that means you're going to become a workaholic.

That means you're going to become just that dad who just kind of disappears or that dad who yells at middle schoolers who are reffing soccer games. And she's going to disappear on you too. Is that fair? Yeah. Yeah. That's fair. Are you already there? Pretty close. Yeah. I think, I think we're pretty close. I mean,

she's told me multiple times that she just, that she would like to be able to sit down and talk with me, but like, I just don't talk back. Like I'm just emotionally not available. Why do you do that to her? Why do you do that to you? And I know asking the why question is something you're not supposed to ask in counseling, but we're not in a counseling session. So I'm just going to be direct. Like why, why do you shut down? I get really uncomfortable just trying to talk with people about my feelings. I don't know. It doesn't matter.

I'm not sure to what extent. Who taught you that? I don't know. I had great parents and good siblings. I was the middle child, so you can take that for what it's worth. Mom was a little bit anxious, but she supported us, and dad was always real supportive. I was always a real shy kid. Okay. And, um, you know, I just, we was homeschooled up till, you know,

sixth or seventh grade, something like that. Had good friends with the family and who, who did some homeschooling as well. Then went to public school. And I think going into public school, I just, I was always kind of a smaller guy,

um, height wise and, you know, pretty thin and hearing a lot of comments about that from other people around that age, it just made me feel like an ant in the world. Yeah. So, I don't know, maybe— I mean, without—I mean, you and I, man, we could have 50 different sessions together and hang out for a while and kind of mine it let's just take that one that one seems plausible enough in this short time that we have together um you learned really early on from middle school on you should probably

disappear or getting small is the best way to get to navigate tough situations. You avoid ridicule. You avoid people make a fun of you. You avoid feeling less than like a loser. Just disappear. And now you're sitting across the table from your wife and mother of your three kids and there's nowhere to hide. Does that make sense?

Yeah. Yeah, it does. So you've heard me say this a million times on this show. The thing that kept you safe as a kid is now the thing that is setting your marriage on fire and is setting your parenting ability on fire because you're passing this along to your kids too. And if you remember that feeling of feeling small and feeling not worth your space and feeling like I need to hide from myself so that I can avoid detection. You don't want your kids walking through life with that either. And it doesn't start with you

teaching them how to do it. It starts with you doing it, standing up taller, speaking and being heard and thinking my thoughts and my feelings are worth being heard, even when they're hard, even when they're going to cause problems. Because right now you're causing problems. Right. And it feels safe. It's kind of like, it's like holding your breath on a roller coaster. It feels safe.

And eventually you pass out and die. You got to breathe, right? So at some point you have this conversation, you're either going to have it around a kitchen table where you're being honest and open, or you're going to have it with a divorce attorney. This conversation is coming or multiple conversations are coming. And so here's my recommendation to you. Hey, let me back out a little bit. I've come at you a little bit.

I know this is hard. And the reason I'm coming at you is I just want to shake the snow globe a little bit. I've come at you a little bit. I know this is hard. And the reason I'm coming at you is I just want to shake the snow globe a little bit and move that sediment from the bottom. It let you hear me tell you, you are worth being heard. And the best way to help your wife is to be honest with her. The best way to heal yourself is to be honest with you. And you could have had the best parents on the planet. And still they say little things like, you're not hurt. You're fine. I know you want to eat here,

but your brother's whining all the time. We're just going to eat here. I know you want to play. I know you made all-star team, but we got to get your sister over to this thing. And so you just learn from a young age that I matter a little bit less than everybody else. And that's going to be the end

of you and your marriage. And so let's turn that sucker around. Will you commit to that? Yeah, absolutely. Okay. Here is the way I have navigated this in my life is when I have to have the thoughts and feelings conversation, especially early on. Now it's, it's not a thing, but especially early on when I was learning this skill, um, I say early on, like five years ago. So not very long ago is I wrote it all down and there was multiple times my wife and I read to her while we were sitting down talking because I didn't want to miss anything. I didn't want to get loud. I didn't want to get too quiet. I didn't want to just be weird or stumble through. So I just wrote it down and I read it.

Here is what I'm feeling. Here's what I think. Here's what I need. If you start with just those three things, here's what I feel. Here's what I think. Here's what I need. That's a great place to start. Okay. And then tell your wife, we're going to send the kids away. You, you find the babysitter,

not her. Okay. You find the babysitter and say, Hey, we're going to spend a couple hours together because I love you. And I think it's fair to use the language. We run a daycare and I'm interested in being married. And y'all are going to have to date each other again, man.

Y'all have never really dated. Yeah, I know. When's the last time y'all got away and just had a barn burner romantic weekend where you couldn't find clothes and the wallpaper peeled off the hotel room when's the last time uh it's it's been probably at least a year okay you're worth that for whatever it's worth yeah not that's the end all be all you're also work worth quiet walks in the woods man like just getting away do whatever it is y'all do. I'm just saying, man, y'all have to create a life

where y'all can be married and then the kids come in after that, not the other way around. Right. Cool. Are you in? I'm in, yeah. Okay.

Start this conversation this way. I'm sorry for being quiet. I learned at a young age to be quiet and I promise to start being more honest with you. Start like that, okay? Okay. And your wife will probably say, where's my husband? What'd you do with him?

Yeah, that's probably accurate. If this goes terrible and it just goes horribly awry, holler at me, and I will announce to the world that I failed you. But I think if you spend some time being honest with yourself and writing stuff down for the first time and then you read that letter to her and You've done the hard work of getting babysitters clear in the deck so that y'all can have these conversations And then you say hey i've already got us a hotel room or i've already got us a date night And we're gonna start putting on the calendar

um, you start down that road that way and um I'm convinced things will turn around for you. Thank you for being honest, my man. You are among millions of men just like you trying to figure out what to do to help their wives be okay. And it often starts with us just being honest for the very first time. We'll be right back. All right. Hey, we are back.

Two things. One, I've worn the first shirt with color on it in like two years. And yes, if you notice, I bought two killer shirts at the show. That's how good they were too. I bought two of their shirts. I want to support Brandon Flowers, Kids Go To College Fund. And the second thing is I've got this kombucha drink, and Kelly said it looks like I drained a local sewer system, and I'm drinking that. So I'm putting it on the floor so that the YouTube community doesn't get sick to your stomach. Is that better?

It's a start. You're in there with your Kleenexes and super spreader event behind there. It's allergies. That's what they all say. That's what they all say, allergies. what they all say. Allergies. Agree to disagree. All right, let's go to Kim in Phoenix. What's up, Kim?

Hey, good morning. Good morning. What are you up to? Working. Oh, don't do that. I know. But it's Friday. Yay.

Way to go. What's up? Hey, so my question is, I have a son who, he's an adult, about 27, and he is really overweight. And I'm concerned about his well-being, not only his weight, but also, I think it's just a symptom of depression for him. And I don't really know how to talk to him about it without alienating him or feeling like he's being judged. And I really, I just, I want to help him. But I realize he's not a little boy anymore and I can't, but you know, I can't just throw

him in the car and take him to the doctor. Um, I just, I don't know. When did this start? How long has he struggled with his weight? Um, he has struggled with his weight. Um, the majority of his life, um, even since he was a kid, but he, he was always like a big boy, right? So always like stout. Um, I'd say the, the weight really just kind of compounded probably within the last 10 years or so. Okay. What, um, what in the environment,

or let me just cut to the chase. Have you struggled with your weight? His dad struggled with his weight, other people in the family? I mean, yes, but not like he has. Was there a culture of dieting? Was everybody on a diet back in the day? Well, yes. Okay. Nothing to feel shame about there. I'm just trying to get a context here.

Okay. so much there. I can look at the data that says that a number of obese, there's a correlation or I'll say not causal, but correlation between childhood abuse and obesity. There is genetics and obesity. There is environmental and obesity, right? There's so many different things. And so anytime I'm on the internet and somebody on Instagram is like, here's the deal. I was like, whatever, man. And then there's also the biomechanics. There's energy expenditure, right? You take in more than you – I mean less than you use, then you lose weight. You take in more than you use, and you gain weight.

So it's – the whole picture is big. No pun intended there. The whole picture is just – it's vast, right? And so, here's what I did. I got a note from Jenna that this was that you were calling. And so, I actually called a friend who's done some extraordinary work, is down a whole bunch of weight, really impressive, actually motivated me to get my butt back in the gym in a way that was useful. And so I asked him, hey, how would you like to have had this conversation? And he gave me some really helpful insights that were different than what I thought, quite honestly. So before I kind of

rattle those off, walk me through how other conversations similar have gone with you and him. You know, I don't really, to be honest with you, I don't really recall having a conversation with him specifically about his weight. What about other things? There's something about you having a hard conversation where you tell him you love him and that you don't think is going to go well because he shuts down and then he he tends to ghost me um it it uh here's where i'm here's where i'm stutter stepping is i want to ask you his mom some relationship questions but you have to promise me you're not going to hang up the phone and beat yourself up and feel guilty and all that. I want to be more about let's get to the solution focus part of this thing. But often when I ask

moms, especially hard questions and sometimes dads, it just turns into a shame factor. And I don't want to do that. Is that okay? Oh yeah, that's fine. Okay. I'm good. Do y'all have a history of you telling him about his, you know what you need to do? You need to, because that often causes the shutdown. I do. Okay. Yeah.

Okay. Give me an example of a thing you've got after him about and then he just shuts it down. Um, well, so a couple of weeks ago we met and, um, we had a nice lunch together and we talked and he had opened up about some of the way that he was feeling. And, um, I suggested, I made some suggestions of him just, you know, taking some small steps and Hey, I joined the gym. That's really close to where you live. And if you would like to meet me there after work, I'd love to walk with you or I'll even put you on, on my gym membership, but you just need to do something like every day and get up and, you know, go do that. And so, yeah, you know, he's, and he's been on other diets before, like going, spending money on like weight loss, um, centers and going, and he's had some luck, but

I admit, you know, we've been a little negative about that because we just didn't think it was the right approach or sustainable. Um, so, I mean, I feel guilty about that cause I should have just supported him and whatever, but, um, so, so, so I agree with you. I agree with you. Um, if, if, if he invites you in, Hey, I've recognized I've put on a lot of weight. I'm not healthy anymore. And again, let's get away from the body um then that's an invitation to say well here's what i've seen be successful here's what i've tried a couple of times it hasn't worked when you launch missiles at him of well here's what you need to be doing yes that is i mean all you can do is put up your force field right you put up your defense shields it's true and he's learned that over his entire life and my guess is he's seen mom and or dad on diets for most of their life and he's seen them be

miserable and i don't want any part of that and i don't want any part of my increasing unhealthy behaviors. And the only solution I have for that being stuck in the middle there is to eat. See what I'm saying? See how he's trapped. Yeah. Okay.

So here's the, here's what I would do in this situation. And I'm going to start it with this. I saw a clip years ago. It might've been 10 years ago and it has resonated with me and just stuck with me. It was Pinn or Teller. Do y'all know which one? Pinn or Teller, the tall one? That's Pinn. Pinn, the tall one? Yeah. Pinn Gillette. All right. So Pinn just had like, was talking into a cell phone. This is before Instagram and it was all pretty and slick and everything. It was just him. And the phone was too close to his face. I remember. And here's what he said. Uh, Penn is a, is a, is a very vocal atheist and, um, by all accounts, a really kind human

being, just a very vocal atheist. And he said after a show, um, and he's recording this right after this interaction, after a show, some fans came and they were talking about, you know, the show and how much they liked it. And then one fan in particular was very knowledgeable about magic, was mesmerized by the interaction, was really talk, like he said, this guy knew what he was talking about. And I loved the interaction with him. He clearly loved the show. And he clearly was moved by our performance and how much fun it was and all that stuff. And he clearly was moved by our performance and how much fun it was and all that stuff. And then he said, as the guy was leaving, he turned and said, hey, I know your beliefs and thoughts. I just can't walk away without letting you know. I'd

love for you to come to church with me tomorrow or the next, whenever it was. And it'd be awesome. You'd be my guest. And they shook hands and he left. And here's what Penn said. He said, if you ever want to try to convict somebody, that's how you do it. Through relationship, through genuine conversation. And he said, that man, he said, if a truck is driving down the street and you're in the middle of the street, you have to push the guy out of the way. And he said, after talking with that man for a while, he believes I'm in the middle of a street and a truck is barreling down on me and he wants me to be okay forever. And he says, I disagree with him. I don't believe what he's saying, but man, I really am grateful for the way he reached

out to try to love me a little bit better. And so I tell you that to tell you, he didn't walk around and hold signs in front of the show. He didn't lob grenades throughout the show. He went up and shook his hand and said, you're amazing at your craft. Can we talk craft for a minute? Because I want to be a magician too. And by the way, I need you to know I love you.

Do you see the difference there? Yes. Okay. So I'm a huge fan of it. If you love somebody, you have the hard conversation. I'm also a big fan of if you think somebody is in harm's way, you tell them. I'm also a big fan of whenever possible, do it out of relationship. And you might have to submit to the fact that you might not be the right person to have this conversation There might be too much baggage in the past So here's how I would approach this if I were you and this is my kid Number one, I would probably have some sort of lunch meeting again

And say I have absolutely blown this whole thing and i'm sorry. I screwed this up I'm, always lecturing you treating you like you're 12 and you're a grown adult and I'm sorry. I love you and I don't know how to do this. It's the first time I've had a son like this. So I don't know how to do it and I just want you to know I'm sorry. I should have supported you. I should have been all behind. Who wants to go work out with their mom? Nobody. Nobody. So just lay it out And he might be stunned. This might be so opposite of the way you normally interact in the world. You might have to practice this a few times, but just tell him, there is not a thing on earth you can do that will make me love you less, period. And then let him know this, when and if you ever want to have this conversation with me i'm willing to put money on the table

I'm going to be supportive and keep my mouth shut. I'm going to love you, but I want you to know i'm worried about your health And I love you forever to the moon and back And then here's part two Um, my friend told me that yes, his mom's had conversations with him for years, but it was actually a mentor. It was a buddy that reached out out of the blue and had invited him into a solution. Said, hey, I just want you to know this is a hard conversation, and I'm just – I don't want it to be weird, but I want you to know that I love you and I'm worried about you. And that combined with mom's support was a game changer. And it reminded me when he was telling me of this, when I was in the throes of being anxious, like a crazy person, my wife actually reached out to my friend, Todd, who is a banker, a stowa. I've talked about him

on the show. He's the one who drove down and met with me and walked around my house when I was showing him how the house was falling in. And he's the one that said, stop, we're done with all of this. You got to get the help. And because I couldn't hear it from myself anymore. I couldn't hear it from my wife anymore. I couldn't hear it from my parents anymore. But listening to Todd, that was the first time I looked in the mirror and said, it may be me. I need to go talk to somebody. And so if he has a friend, if he has a male mentor, if he's got some men in his life that he trusts and you want to do an end around and call one of them and say, hey, would you mind reaching out and just tell them that you love them and that you're worried about them? I think

that would go a long, long way. Okay. What do you think about all that? I think it's, um, I think it's wise advice. Like, um, how old is he? He's 27. Okay. can we admit something? The way you've done it up till now hasn't worked Because I hear the hesitancy Will you try something else? Yes, yes Okay I promise you that nobody on earth knows that he's overweight more than he does Is that true?

Yeah So let's be with, not at right now Okay Is that true? Yeah. So let's be with, not at right now. Okay. Okay. Tell me why you're crying. I just worry. Yeah.

Because you love him. Yes. When we love people sometimes, and this happens at the national level, happens at the state level, happens at the neighborhood level, happens in our homes, happens in our marriages,

happens with our kids. Sometimes we love so much and we're out of tools. All we have in our bag is a hammer. So instead of we just start hitting the nail and hitting the nail and hitting the nail and it's not moving. And so we just start wailing at it because we only know one thing to do. And that's just to swing the hammer harder instead of putting the hammer down and saying, okay, that's not working. I needed to go think on something else. I know you love him. I know you love him a lot. Let's focus on being with, not at. Let's focus on getting some people that

he listens to in his life. And that means you have to admit that it may not be you. Let's get some people in his life and let's be about forgiving yourself. Again, I don't want you hanging up the phone and beating yourself up, Kim, okay? We do the best we can because we love our kids. And it's also important when we realize,

I need to call somebody else. Let them know from this point forward, I'm not going to throw a bunch of advice at you. I'm not going to throw all my diet books and my apps and my gym memberships at you. You don't have to put on leg warmers and come work out with your mom. I'm worried about you and I love you and I will be in your corner Unfortunately, sometimes that's the best we can do thank you for loving him. We'll be right back This show is sponsored by better help October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume seriously get on it I'm, pretty sure i'm gonna go as brad Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind

masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself,

where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy.

You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Let's go to, let's see, Raleigh, North Carolina, and let's talk to Grace. What's up, Grace?

Hi, how are you? Good, how are you? Rocking on since break time. Yes! Very cool. All right, well, i'll dive into my question if i had t-shirts you would get one i don't have one but that was awesome not yet not yet actually i'm they're at the printer right now so they're coming so what's up all right well i need some help feeling like i belong in my own home why don't you feel like you belong in my own home. Why don't you feel like you belong in your own home?

Well, I feel like my kids and my family are totally in love and enamored with my husband, as am I. And I just feel invisible, like not even there, which makes me withdraw even more and furthers the problem. So why are you jealous of your husband? What does he do that you think you can't or don't do? We are total opposites. We grew up on the opposite ends of the planet. He is extroverted, handsome, outgoing, smart, funny, talented, has a million friends, successful, and I'm none of those things. I call bull crap on a stick.

In a box, on the wings of an eagle, Grace, you are not telling the truth. You are none of those things. You're not beautiful, smart, fun, kind, engaging. Yes, you are. Well, it doesn't feel that way sometimes. Okay. That I'll buy, but I won't buy that. None of that's true. Um, where does that story come from? Um, I guess that's always kind of been the story. I've never really like excelled at anything. I've never been super successful at anything. You nabbed an incredible life partner. Exactly. You've got amazing kids. What do you do for a living? I work as an admin

part-time. So you keep the entire, one time, uh, I w I was a part of, um, uh, an organization. We had to make a lot, like a million dollars worth of budget cuts. And much of that was people. And on the way to, my wife and I were driving somewhere one day and my admin at the time, her name was Tracy. She's one of the most extraordinary people I've ever met. And my wife turned on the radio and she goes, oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. And I thought she was going to tell me like that she got a new pair of shoes. and she goes, oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. Um, if you cut Tracy, I'm going to leave you. I was like, why? And she goes, because our whole life is better because she is in your life.

And so I don't care who you have to cut. She stays. And I was like, I was like, you got it. So as an admin, you help people's families stay together and businesses run. There's a picture in your mind about the way things should be, and there is a feeling in your heart about the way things will feel when we get there. Tell me about this picture that you have. What does grace winning look like? I feel like. Nope, nope, nope. We'll get to feelings in a second. What does it look like? I feel like, um, no, no, no. We'll get the feelings in a second. What does it

look like? Okay. It looks like, um, me keeping a successful job for a long period of time and contributing to the home and being able to have meaningful conversations with my kids. Okay. Contributing to the home. That sounds like a somebody stencils onto a, like a, I don't know, shiplap that's pulled out of an old home and then they sell it on Pinterest. What does contributing to the home mean? You pay bills, you buy the nice, like, what does it mean? Yeah, it's helping to pay the bills. It's, you know, helping with the budget.

It's getting the kids to sports. It's getting the kids to and from school on time. And right now he does the majority of that. Okay. And on top of all of his other things that he has going on. Where are you in the home? Why aren't you taking some of that off? Why aren't y'all sharing more of that?

I try, but the kids would rather dad take them to school and dad pick them up from school and would rather be around dad. And so I'm just home. Why have you outsourced your feelings and the operation of your home to a couple of knuckleheaded kids. Yeah, I guess that's fair. You've outsourced your entire feelings to people that we as a society said, they can't even buy beer or guns or cigarettes because they're kids. Yeah. They can't drive because they're kids, but you've outsourced everything to them why?

they're my whole world I want to be loved Grace they can't be your whole world because they throw temper tantrums and they say mean things and they talk back and they forget crap and they steal and they lie

because they're kids and they're just trying to test how the world works. Okay. Who told you you're worth so little? I guess nobody ever really told me I was worth much. That's fair. Actually, in the trauma literature, that's been one of the revelations of the last couple of decades, is that trauma can be somebody doing things to you they shouldn't have. Trauma can also be withholding things from you that they should have given you.

And for whatever it's worth, I'm sorry. Can I ask you a question about Mr. Wonderful? Mm-hmm. My guess is he contributes to that. Is that fair? Yes and no. Tell me more has he has a lot going on i mean he don't i don't give a crap i could care less does he contribute to that because the things he's got going on are things he's choosing to do and if he's choosing a lot going on over making sure his marriage is tightly braided together with you,

making sure that you come first and then those knuckleheaded slobbery kids, making sure that you've got role and purpose the same as he's got role and purpose. It's easy to be a rock star. It's hard to set the stage up and take it down every day. Is he contributing to this? I think unknowingly, maybe. Yeah. Because my guess is you've idolized somebody that's not an idol.

And you've demonized somebody who's not a demon. And now you've created an entire fantasy world with which you can't live in. And that goes back to this, I don't feel like I belong in my own home. Because you've created a Marvel character that you share a bed with and he's not. He might be good looking and he might be funny. He's not perfect. And if he's putting the kids above you, he's hurting his wife and he's hurting his kids. And he's using his kids to prop up his own fragile ego. And I could go on and on and on and on. Okay. My question for you though is do you want this to be different because this has been a

pattern for a long long time in your life right yes do you want it to be different absolutely how much so because it's going to upturn the apple cart i mean it's it's got to go differently i can. I can't keep going like this. Awesome. I mean, that's perfect. That's somebody who knows this apple cart's going to crash or we're going to change directions, right? Something happened for you to call me. This is the moment.

Hold on. How long have y'all been married? It'll be 16 years in the summer. Hold on. How long have y'all been married? It'll be 16 years in December. Yep. Okay. How old are your kids? We have a 15-year-old and a 12-year-old. Okay.

You've either thought about leaving, you have somebody that you kind of have a crush on, or he does? No, not even a little. Positive? Absolutely. Okay. So why the call now? I think I've been struggling a lot with depression.

That's honestly what it sounds like. Okay. That's honestly what it sounds like. And here's the wearing me down. Okay. That's honestly what it sounds like. And here's the deal. I was pushing on him a little bit. I was prodding.

The same as I just said, I think you've got somebody. You might not. Okay. Or I trust you that you don't. He might have been over time

picking up the extra slack because he's trying to love you the best he can. And if you're getting a little lower and a little lower and he's picking up a little more slack and a little more slack, you see how that's self-reinforcing.

Think of it this way. Yeah, I think that's exactly what's happening. You ever, and if I talk to him, he'd be like, dude, man, my wife's struggling. I'm trying to give her a break. Right. And so if you think about going to the gym, you ever, I don't know if you ever lifted weights,

but you ever seen, been to the gym and they got spotters? If somebody keeps struggling with the weight and the spotter keeps helping more and more and more, over time, those workouts become completely unhelpful. And the person who's getting stronger is actually the spotter, not the person who's just having their weight supported by somebody else's work. And so the unfortunate thing is when you start getting lower and lower, the path out is to systematically participate a little bit more and more, little wins. All right. Okay. You have to commit to decoupling yourself from how you feel and reality because your feelings aren't telling you the truth anymore. Okay. Okay. Is that, do you believe that? Yes. I keep this, if you're watching on YouTube, I keep this little thing with me at all times. I write notes in it during the show. I write notes in it while I'm driving, which I shouldn't do. I write notes

while I'm hunting. I keep this thing with me all the time for this very reason. You suck at being a dad. Sometimes I'll write that down and I'll look at it. And then I can say, is this true? I demand evidence from those feelings. Or I feel really sad. Or I feel really heartbroken and I write that down. And it's true and I feel it and I own it. And then I go about what I got to do next. And it feels like over time, your feelings have taken off and they are now in control. And we have to put them back in the back seat. they are very important participants in this ride we're on but if we let them drive

we end up in a mess we end up out in the woods somewhere instead of on the road okay okay have you talked to a counselor a professional no i'm trying to find one now okay um i'll hook you up with a few months with BetterHelp if you will commit to doing that. Absolutely. That takes away your excuse because they can do it via Zoom. Is that cool? Yep. Okay. Here's what I want you to start personally though. I want you to spend some time. I want you to go to Walmart or someplace. You can get on Amazon and just order and have it shipped to your house tomorrow. But I want you to get a journal of some sort and begin to sort through. Here's what I feel.

Have you ever sat down and said your feelings out loud to your husband? Sometimes. Okay. Do you trust him? Absolutely. Okay, awesome. So maybe do a true or false test. Sometimes. Okay. Do you trust him? Absolutely. Okay. Awesome. So maybe do a true or false test.

I'm going to rattle off 15 feelings. Will you just say true or false? That's it. That's all you get to say. True or false? I am a burden in my own home. He's going to say false. I am not funny. I am ugly.

I am, nobody wants to hang out with me. He's going to say false false false And we're going to go down that list. Okay When my feelings get very strong, I actually outsource them I've got a couple of people at work. I've got a couple of long-term friends that I say. Hey, I feel like this Am I crazy? And they speak truth to me because I don't see it My feelings are loud inside my body. And I know myself well enough to know that now.

And I want you to begin to talk to somebody. And my promise to you is if you'll commit to this, the lights will come on. They'll be very dim at first, but they'll come on. It's also going to require you to do some things a little bit different. Like I'm taking the kids to school three days a week now. Whether they kick or scream or what, I don't care. I'm going to take them. And you might have to, you know what? Hey, stay on the line. Also, Jenna, let's get her all the questions for humans cards. We're going to give you some tools to talk to your kids while you're in the car with them.

Because now it feels weird, right? You feel like you're taxing around people who don't like you exactly they do it's just they're responding to your weird by being weird and then you're responding to their weird which they're 15 and 12 they're weird trust me um if they're wearing new underwear they're still weird right um i want you to begin to lean into uh suck when i said they wear new underwear 15 and 12 year olds sometimes shower and they put the same underwear back on if you've ever been to like a camp or something with kids it's disgusting because they just are like what i gotta change underwear why it's all fine that's what i'm talking about. But you see how you're outsourcing your feelings to them. So here's what we're going to do. We're going to be the adult and we're going to start practicing entering square into their space. A way I do this now is my 12-year-old son and I,

we go to breakfast every week at Waffle House, the healthiest place on earth we love it my daughter and I a couple of nights a week she is fused to my wife and if I ask her hey can I do bedtime tonight and read your stories no mom

and so two or three nights a week couple nights a week she doesn't get an option Dad's doing bedtime tonight You can have nobody or you can choose dad And if Trust me I feel like Am I so bad

That my daughter won't let me read her story Like what But I also know that she's six And she doesn't get a vote Into my innermost feelings that she's six and she doesn't get a vote into my innermost feelings because she's six. Is that fair? Absolutely. Okay.

Hear me say this. You're worth being well and you're worth the marriage that's incredible that you feel an equal part of. And you and your husband and your kids need you to firmly plant your feet in your home and say, this is my home too. You can't earn your way to that. It has to be an identity that you act your way out of. I am going to fill in the blank because this is my house. I'm going to turn my dance music on and we're going to dance because this is my house. Tonight we're having this

because it's my house. I'm doing bedtimes tonight. I'm taking the kids to school because I'm going to participate in the life of my home because this is my life too. Does that sound good? Yeah.

You sound like you don't believe me. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to process. No, it's a lot. It's a lot. Is this exciting or no? Or does it just feel overwhelming? It feels very overwhelming.

How come? I don't even know. Okay. I feel like I've wasted too much time and now it's going to be too late by the time I turn it around. All right. You just said it perfectly. I feel like I've wasted too much time and it's going to be too late. I want you to write that one down.

And I want you to hold it at arm's length and be objective. Have you truly wasted too much time? As a guy who's seen a number of adult parent-child relationships change dramatically into some extraordinary relationships, the answer is no. You haven't waited too long. Is it too late? Absolutely not. Do you need to learn some new skills? For sure.

Do you need to learn a regular practice of challenging those feelings? Absolutely. It's about a set of skills, not that you're a bad mom. It's about a set of skills, not that you're a bad mom. It's about a set of skills, not that you're a bad wife. Is that true? You're right.

Grace, I know that. All right, fine. You're right. Okay. You can't quit this conversation okay okay fine fine we'll just we'll just do whatever y'all want to do that's cool

now tonight we're having burgers because I'm freaking Grayson I want burgers okay see what I'm saying now as soon as we get off the phone, you're going to go pew and go right back to where you're feeling. That's why I'm going to send you these tools.

I'm also going to send you Own Your Past, Change Your Future. I'll send you the book too. I'm going to send you everything I got, okay? Great, thank you. Okay. Please though, at the top of the list, get a journal.

And right after that, I want you to make sure you plug in with a professional counselor. Cause I do think you're running pretty low. And I think it's been that way for a long time. Fair. Yes. Okay. Let's get with somebody who's going to walk with you on a, you know, every other day or a weekly basis for a while and, um, help untangle some of this stuff. My promise is, if you will put the work in, even when you're tired and it feels futile right now, it feels like it's too far gone.

It's not. It's not. There's light on the other side of this. I've seen it. And you can see it too. We'll be right back. a non-anxious life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, hey, I want to take a quick minute. I want to dedicate this show to my cousin James who passed away this weekend.

And man, had a lot of demons and was one of the most brilliant minds I've ever been around. And my favorite thing about James was that how much he loved his kids, how much he loved the people around him. And that every single time I was around him, he pulled me aside. Said, I'm proud of you. Keep doing what you're doing. So we'll miss you, my man. We'll miss you.

And to all family, man. We'll rally around one another as we always do. Song of the day in honor of me going to California this afternoon is from the great Led Zeppelin. The song's called Going to California, and it goes like this. Spent my days with a woman unkind, smoked my stuff and drank all my wine.

Made up my mind to make a new start going to California with an aching in my heart. Someone told me there's a girl out there. Actually, my wife will be there. That's kind of cool. With love in her eyes and flowers in her hair. She does not have flowers in her hair. My wife has a mohawk.

She shaved it yesterday. Just kidding, she didn't, but that would be awesome. Took my chances on a big jet plane to find a queen without a king. La la la la la. I'll see you soon.