The Dr. John Delony Show - Infertility Struggles & Should I Give My Estranged Sister my Kidney?

Episode Date: January 29, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU! Show Notes for this Episode 5:21: My wife passed away and had a family history of behavioral issues. How do I talk to my grown kids about it without diminishing her memory? 14:23: How do I stop viewing my body as bad after two miscarriage and infertility struggles? 30:37: Should I give my sis a kidney (if I am a match)? We don’t have a great relationship and I am just starting my own family.  40:52: Teaching Segment: Hard Conversations - Making a Will 43:17: Lyrics of the Day: "All Night Long" - Lionel Richie tag: family, marriage, parenting anger/resentment/bitterness, trauma/PTSD, guilt/shame, reconciliation/forgiveness, family, fitness/physical health, sickness/illness These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to an awesome dad who wants to have some hard conversations with his sons about their mom who recently passed away. We're going to talk to an awesome, awesome young mom who's struggling with loving her body after miscarriages. And we're going to talk to a young man who loves his sister, but they're estranged and she wants him to donate a kidney. Stay tuned. Hey, good folks. What's up? It's Deloney, and this is the Dr. John Deloney Show, the show for you, about you, about your marriages, your life, your friendships,

that frustrating, annoying person you see in the mirror, your parents, all of it. We're talking about everything on this show, and if you're new to our band of ninjas, we cover everything. Mental health issues, school issues, parenting, relationships, marriages, should I get married, should I not? Brother and sister questions. All of it. I want you to know that you're not by yourself. You're not alone. I am trying to figure this out with you.

And one commitment that we all have is that we tell the truth on the show and we walk together. And so I don't want people walking through life feeling like they're all alone because there are millions of people just like you with the same concerns, the same frustrations, the same questions, the same, I don't know what to do next, going through their mind, just rattling around in there like one of those little rubber bouncy balls you got at the quarter turn vending machines there at the Mr. Gaddy's when you were a kid, right? That just dated me by about 300 years, right? But we want you to know you're not alone. I want you to know you're not by yourself, and so we're here for you. Give me a call, 1-844-693-3291. 1-844-693-3291, or go to johndeloney.com slash show.

You can fill out the form. It goes right to Kelly, and as she puts the shows together, she'll reach out to you and see about having you on. A couple of things I want to talk through real quick. Number one, I've been getting some emails about, well, hold on, before you knew that, there's like a studio audience, man. Look at everybody. It's so great to see good folks. Some are better looking than others, right? But everybody, I'm so glad to see you guys. So I'm getting emails about not being able to tell when I'm being sarcastic and when I'm not. And there was this awesome moment when I had a boss that I worked for and we were going to this really fancy dinner and she always wanted me to sit next to her. And

my wife was coming to this one. So she was, my wife's sitting on the other side of us. And I said something during the dinner and my boss looked at me and she said, I do not know when you are being serious or you're being sarcastic. I can't tell the difference. So from this point forward, you will declare this is a joke or this is serious period. And my wife leans over and goes, Oh my, thank God, finally. So listen, if you think in your head, it's the hatchet rule. If you, like I used to tell parents this at colleges, a kid would call home and be like, hey, mom, guess what? My RA was chasing me down the hall with a hatchet saying he was going to murder me. And the parent would think to their self, there's no way that happened.

But then they would call me and they would send me really mean cards and letters talking about, I can't believe that I'm sending my kid to your college where they chase people down with hatchets. And then I would call the parent, and I would say, seriously, do you really believe that that happened? And they would go, probably not. And I would say, God almighty, no. No one is trying to kill your kid with a hatchet here. We want your money over and over and over again. so it's the hatchet rule man if I say something on this show and you think I probably wasn't serious about that then I probably wasn't serious about that and if I

have an emphatic point to make so much that like spit comes out of my mouth just like just happened then I will make an emphatic point but I try not not to be sarcastic, but it just happens sometimes. I just think life's a lot of fun. Let's have a good time together. Here's the second thing. I'm going to be a part of a live event with my good friend, Rachel Cruz. She works here with me. She is very, very fancy, has a bestselling book that just came out.

Here's the deal. We are doing an event together on Wednesday, January 20th. And no, no, no, that's the call. The event is February 12th. Good gosh, I'm recording it today. Friday, February 12th, it's our Marriage and Money livestream event, right? These are for marriages all across the country that are feeling the weight of 2020. And the 2021 is going to be so awesome. And so far it is not delivering, right? And so the financial strain has turned everything upside down. So we are doing an event. It's a money and marriage live stream event. We're going to share what we've learned through

walking alongside couples for two decades. We're going to help you fall in love all over again, have more fun in your marriage, take care of your money. One of the main stressors for marriages, and it's going to be a blast. So early bird passes for the live stream are on sale now. It's just 20 bucks. They won't last long. So head over to DaveRamsey.com slash events to buy your ticket. And I was going to say one more thing. We won't. Let's just go straight to the calls. Let's get to Tom in Dallas. Brother Tom, what's going on, man? How can I help? Well, thanks, John. Love what you do for Ramsey and just been a listener ever since you got on.

Love what you're doing. Thank you. Well, man, I appreciate 24, 18, and 14, may have unknowingly picked them up by watching or living in the house with these behaviors. The old Morris Cox and Tots thing. How do I share with them and try to warn them about these behaviors without hurting the memory of their late mom? Oh, man, Tom, that's a great question. When did she pass away?

About two years ago. About two years ago. How are you, man? I'm good. I'm good. I'm a Christian, and I've got a great church family around me, and I've got great brothers and sisters, and my family's been supportive, and my boss at work, everybody's been super supportive. While it's a horrible thing to go through, I can't imagine it being any better on this side.

Well, I'm grateful that you've had that sort of community and care around you through this time. That's awesome, man. So talk to me about the compulsive behaviors. What do you mean by that? That can mean a whole arc of different things. What do you mean? When we were spending money freely after our first son was born, she battled postpartum. And finally got on, we were in a bad economic situation that was my fault, not hers.

We got more stable, moved to a different area. She found a doctor, got on some medication, did a little counseling through the years. But not anything real consistent. About 11 years before she died, she fell on a concrete back, over her last 10 or 12 years of her life. So what behaviors are your kids or your sons, like, what are they exhibiting that makes you concerned that they pick some stuff up? Or are you just trying to be proactive? I'm trying to be mainly proactive i mean my oldest son he's he's married he's moved out but he's you know we didn't drink um and uh that that was just

the way it was that we told him you do what you want when you're an adult in our house that's that's a rule and they all knew it and and I'm concerned that maybe he didn't see any. She never drank. But since he didn't have that fence, okay, this is as far as you go with this, and don't go over it, he may not know where that fence is for him. Okay. And he can go and go and go. And then the 18-year-old and 14-year-old,

they're coming up and I just, it, you know, you're a single parent, so you try to do everything that you possibly can and you feel like you screwed up everything. So this is one thing left I think maybe I can help them with before they get out on their own. So to ease any sort of anxiety you have, there's a hundred percent chance you've screwed things up and that's okay. Cool. Thanks, John. Okay, good, good. So we all have, man, and we are just contributing to the future counselors of America, right? So the fact that you're asking this question, that you were trying to look down the road and almost reverse engineer some challenges your kids may encounter because some things they may have seen in your house tells me you're a great dad and you're a compassionate

guy and these three boys are lucky to have you, okay? Just the fact that that question is in your head. So many people who experience the loss of a loved one, of a spouse in particular, just begin to loop for years and years on me, me, me, my love, my next step, my financial situation, and so on and so forth. So the fact that you are concerned about them is noble. Here's the deal, man. None of us are perfect. And every single person, myself included, have skeletons in our closet, have things that I would love to have done. I would love to have a chance to do over with my kids and vice versa. And there's things that my wife does. I think, man, I would not have handled it like that. And I can say that because she doesn't listen to this

podcast ever and vice versa. I know there's things because she's called me out on it, appropriately so, that she says, hey, let's don't do it that way. Let's, why don't you talk to him like this or another way, right? So, telling the truth and talking about your wife in a compassionate, informative, and memorial way to your kids that is informative to them, that is telling them, hey, here's some things you're going to navigate along the way. Man, that's good stuff. That's family history stuff. That is rich. It's when you start telling them things to prop you up, to make excuses for why you did what you

did, to name throw, to diminish her, that's when it becomes a problem. Talking about her challenges that she had, I think is great. What you mentioned, something that I think would be a great place to start, it would be a time with dad, with each one of your sons individually, and just letting them talk to you. Talk about their experience with mom. What do they remember? What do they remember about their childhood? And then make it perfectly clear that they are always, always, always welcome to ask you questions, no matter how hard, no matter how invasive, no matter how vulnerable.

And you may want to bring a couple of things to the table to commit to to them and let them know, hey, here's a couple of things I wish I could have done differently. Hey, we didn't ever have alcohol in the house. And just so you know, seven's too much, right? Just nine beers is a lot. 17 beers, you're going to want to dial it back a few, right? Whatever you feel like you need to talk to them about, lead with vulnerability there. Give them a chance to ask questions.

And here's what you want to do. Your 14-year-old isn't going to be able to verbalize all of here's what you want to do. Your 14 year old isn't going to be able to verbalize all of the stuff that you're thinking about right now. And if you started, if he starts exhibiting behaviors and you say, well, your mom, he's not going to absorb that. What you want to do is to create such a safe and welcoming and vulnerable relationship with him that when he does start to ask questions, he comes to you first. And again, I keep saying the same thing. Only way a dad does that is by going first. Your older two sons, yeah, man, sit down and have a hard conversation with them or a beautiful,

engaged conversation with them. I don't even think it has to be hard. Was there any sort of abuse that was back there? Is there something lingering that's big that you feel like you need to address? No, no. She was as good a mom as she could be. I mean, anybody with chronic pain and chronic depression, I mean, she was great. She was there for the boys as much as humanly possible, probably more than a lot of women would have been in her situation. Have you ever had that conversation with them, Tom? No, I have not. I think that is just each one of them by themselves. I'm just thinking about this now, and I could get choked up pretty quick.

Thinking of my dad taking me out and just saying, hey, I just need to have a conversation with you. Just mano y mano. Mom hurt a long time and I need you to know how much she loved you. Yeah. We have had this conversation. Man, that's a gift they will carry with them for the rest of their lives. So again, going back to lead with vulnerability, Tom, you go first and anything you talk about that's going to give them tools and insights that's going to make their life easier, make their journey easier and give them some insight as to why they're doing what they're doing. That caught is taught is not deterministic. It is not

inevitable, right? Just because kids see a thing doesn't mean it's going to become a thing and that they're going to have to live with it forever. But it is good information for folks to know, right? But yeah, go first. You're a good dad, Tom. I'm glad to have gotten to talk to you today. And I'm glad we got to start our show off with a Texas caller. That's awesome. All right, let's go to Vivian in Bloomington, Illinois. Vivian, what's going on? How can I help? Hello, Dr. Deloney.

Thank you so much for taking my call. I'm just honored to be speaking with you. Dude, the honor is all mine, Vivian. So how can I help? My question is, how do I stop negative and hateful feelings I have towards my body after multiple miscarriages and infertility struggles? That one's tough, Vivian. Wow. Thank you for your trust there. So walk us back through your journey so far. So I grew up in a really big family my parents had 10 kids together so i had nine siblings um and my mom was just an absolute rock star she had all of us at home

you're a painkiller she would literally like sing as she gave birth um she was just incredible did you say she was singing yes you know what because, man? We're just going to take this and pile up on poor Vivian, right? Golly. Okay. She was amazing, though. And she would talk about, you know, the amazing design of a woman's body. And I always just had a profound respect for my own body. And so kind of fast forwarding, my husband and I got married and we got pregnant right

away. We have a beautiful four-year-old and I think unknowingly it just kind of confirmed, cause I have a lot of sisters who've had a lot of kids kind of not easily, but you know, just gotten pregnant quickly. And it just kind of confirmed to me that, you know, this will be a breeze. And, um, and so then, um, a while later when we were ready to try for a second,, I noticed it was taking a long time, and I thought that was weird. And then when I did get pregnant, I miscarried, which the first one was just very jarring. I think I was just shocked that that happened to me.

And then we tried again after many, many months, and I became pregnant, um, we thought everything was fine that time. And I miscarried almost at the end of that, um, first trimester. Um, so I just, I just struggle so much to, I feel like as much of a profound respect that I used to have for my body, I have an equally profound disrespect and, um, frustration and, um, so I'm just not sure how to. How did you, and again, at any point you say, Hey, I'm done talking about that part. Just cut me off. Okay. I want you to know you're, you're in control of the conversation here. How did you grieve those miscarriages? How did you and your husband do that together? It's interesting, because I think I've grieved the loss of, like, knowing that I'll never know who they were, you know, what they would be like, their hair color,

all that, cried and cried, and just kind of came to a place of acceptance with that, and I think what I haven't, I think you said it or somebody said that grief is not just crying a lot it's ownership and I think I have not owned that I struggle with fertility like one of my close friends said something to me the other day like you know how are you doing with your infertility struggles and I my internal reaction was like I don't have infertility struggles like it's been three years. How about you? Go drown yourself, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's wonderful and she's very well-meaning and hasn't been through it. But yeah, so I think I have not grieved that. And I think sometimes, you know, my husband's

wonderful and very emotionally available. But I think I just always worry that I'm bothering him. And so I kind of will just go off and deal with it myself sometimes when I think he wants to be there for me. So I'm going to answer the best I can. Okay. Having had a ringside seat to this, but not a driver's side seat. Okay. And I've talked about some of my family's challenges publicly, and some of that stuff I'll keep private, and I'll go to the grave with it, and other stuff I think it can be helpful to talk about. And also, I'm going to answer your question, Vivian, to a wide audience, okay? So, I'll speak to you directly, but also speak a broader conversation. And let's start with you and your husband's conversation. So, when we experienced this in my house with the lion's share of the

pain resting in my wife and in her heart, I was working crisis for the city. And so, when things went down in the city, I was on a team that got called out to go help other people in their worst moments. I was also the dean of students at a university, and I helped students in their worst moments. And I was working on a second PhD in counseling and a partridge in a pear tree. Long story short, if it was going down, chances are they're going to call Deloney to come in and help. And then we had a series of challenges like this in my own home, and I handled it terribly. I had a lot of information. I had a lot of, you know what you should be doings,

and I missed it completely. And I'll never forget going to a counseling conference, and I walked into the room room and one of the sessions was counseling women who've had miscarriages, infertility challenges. And as shameful as this is, I'm saying it out loud, the thought in my head is, was, oh, I know how to do that because I've experienced that. I know how to do that. And then shame on top of shame on top of shame. This is like an embarrassing moment for me, like a heartbreaking moment for me that I was just arrogant. But I actually thought I could probably help in the presentation. So I'll be one of those

people in the audience that helps out the presenter. And during the presentation, the presenter proceeded to say, hey, we know we all know this. And she said it so flippantly, I'll never forget it. There's like seven things you never never ever say to a woman who's experienced this and by the time she got to five and six and seven Vivian not only had I said all seven of those things but I had expounded on them I had was was like running my mouth about him in our house with this with this sense of arrogance and it was one of the most humbling, humiliating, shameful moments of my life because I was just wrong. There was one person on planet Earth that I swore to be there for,

and it was my wife, and I wasn't because I was so arrogant and I was just trying to get there with information, and I wasn't with. And it was when we had some hard conversations where she really felt free to open up that I realized, oh my God almighty, I missed it a lot. And so, what I would challenge you before you do anything else is to find some safe time with your husband and let him know what's going on in your heart. It will create a division and a break in your relationship that will take years to repair. And so, honor him with that and challenge

him with that, but start connecting with him there, okay? And so then here's the back out, right? I've heard, and again, since that moment, it was a humbling moment. You've probably heard me say a million times on this show, and I'll keep saying it, telling guys to shut their stupid mouths and to connect with people and don't overan and don't over inform people. A lot of that starts from that moment with me, right? So I've heard these things throughout time. I've heard, I've been having periods since I was 12 and when it's go time, now you decide to not work. I've heard that. I've heard throughout history, women have been recognized, and this is thousands of years, right as a basically a tool for other people for men to carry on legacy for um men to have their babies grow to be fed and on and on with this this idea that women are always apologizing for

how their body looks how it works is it working well is it not working well and it's exhausting. I've heard women describe how the pain and trying to explain to grandparents and in-laws and their own parents and their husbands, I want to give you grandkids. I'm sorry that we can't do this. We had this plan and it's not working out. I had one buddy of mine tell me about just walking down that hallway and looking in that empty room, that there was plans for that empty room. And I've heard heavy, heavy things. The most profound view that has stuck with me that I'll pass along to you, Vivian, is this idea of being betrayed by my own body. And it sounds like you're familiar with that one. Does that one ring true with you?

Yes, very much so. Like, man, you were raised with an awesome – well, your mom's not fair, number one. That's like your dad being Michael Jordan and you going out for the high school team, right? But, you know, this idea that the way it was framed, the way it was told to me, and I loved it was, it's like your husband cheated on you and you don't get the chance to leave and there's nothing you, you don't get to talk about working it out and he doesn't get to change his behavior because it just is. So you have this betrayal and it rests inside of you and there's not a lot you can do about it except going to the next day and the next day and the

next day. Does that sound right? Yes. So give us an example of when you have a dark morning, a dark evening, what's the self-talk there? Like, if I ask for, because I do a lot, my husband works a lot more than I do. I work from home and part-time. So I take care of a lot of the household stuff as I feel it should be. And if I ask for anything, like any kind of help with our daughter, sometimes I'll like step in and do it myself because I'll be like, you know, thinking about my sister that has five kids and like how pathetic that I would need help with our one or just things like that. Like I'm not allowed to be tired or, you know, this age, she's four. So lots of questions. And sometimes I'm like, I'm just tired, you know? And then I'll be like, wow, how are you tired? You have one child that's pathetic, you know? And just, just anything. Yeah.

Just that kind of thing. So if you do, if you get nothing else out of this call, can, will you promise me that you'll start talking to my friend Vivian kinder? Yes. Okay. I want you to talk to Vivian like the rock star mom that she is. And you've got a beautiful four-year-old, and you have an awesome husband, and you've got an extraordinary gift for empathy and for feeling and for connecting with other people now, and that starts with you connecting and being empathetic with yourself. Okay. Is that a promise?

Yes. Awesome. All right. So here's the hard part. You're going to have to go through a process of forgiveness. A friend of mine, she went as far as to name her uterus. And of course, she named it after a man because why not? But she literally went through a process of forgiveness, named it and got a group of people around her that she could talk with, but had to go through the process of forgiving her own body. And that sounds weird and that sounds awkward, whether that's writing a letter, whether that is writing yourself, your body, a letter. But the idea of not forgiving this is you are poisoning yourself from the inside out. And you are wearing this chemical response, you're wearing

this frustration response, and it just gets heavy and eventually your body goes to war with you, right? And so, you've got to be about forgiving your body for not living up to what you think it should have to the expectations you put on it, to the quote-unquote beautiful machinery that you were given, right? And then the second thing is, this is hard, but there's always going to be an ache there. And as time goes on, as you grieve it, you're going to make peace with that ache, and then you're going to learn and give in to celebrating others, right? It's hard when your sorority sister texts everybody and says, guess what, guess what, right? Are they sending that cute little Instagram thing? That still sucks, doesn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's some, as you're going to have to lean into those moments and practice gratitude and practice celebrating other people as hard and ugly as that will be.

And then I really want you to explore the story of motherhood in your heart and in your home and with your husband. And you've traced it. You've done an awesome job of tracing all the way back to the example that your extraordinary mom set and the way she talked about how beautiful your body was and this extraordinary appreciation for how your body works. You're going to have to get beneath that and ask yourself questions about, do you want to be a mom? Do you want to have five kids running around? Does that mean you're going to go through the adoption process? Does that mean you are going to, you really just want to be a mom if you're a biological kid, so you're going to be a mom and the best aunt that's ever been, you're going to foster. You need to have those type of conversations

that you begin to make meaning of. Well, then what is going to be next? And those are not things you need to do by yourself. Okay? You got to have a community around you. Please, please, please, please involve your husband in those conversations. And then the last hard, hard part of this is you have to decide if you're going to be vulnerable again. And nobody in the entire world can make that decision except for you. And are you going to exhale and then go again? Are you going to say, I'm done with the hurt and we are blessed with the child that we've got

and then we're going to start exploring what family means for us down the road? I'm confident you've already had those thoughts. Where are you leaning on the vulnerability? Do you mean like as far as trying again or like talking with my husband? I do think we want to in the future. I think some of this is probably coming up too because we were not trying currently because we have a move possibly coming up.

And I just feel like my daughter is getting older and there's not a sibling. And so that's been kind of sad. But I do think we do want to try in the future but just maybe not right now. Awesome and you're telling yourself a lot of stories about how your kids are feeling and how your daughter's absorbing this and how your husband's going to respond. Don't get in the head of other people and begin trying to solve problems for them that they haven't communicated to you, okay? You've got enough to carry and it's hard and your heart and soul is so good that you want to care for everybody

around you and in the process, you're going to end up drowning yourself. You're going to end up drowning yourself you're going to end up carrying so much weight that it brings you down and those stories that you're telling about your daughter your daughter's going to be awesome whether she has a biological sibling 10 biological siblings or if it's just the 3 of y'all

and y'all ride or die together she's got an awesome mom and a great dad she's going to be a great cousin got an awesome mom and a great dad. She's going to be a great cousin. You're going to be a great aunt. All of those things work together, but it starts with you having a moment or a season of forgiveness for the body that's betrayed you.

And then it begins a reframing for what's this body going to, how's this body going to support me moving forward? And then what's family going to look like in our home? Vivian, it sucks. I hate that this is happening to you. And I know that there are millions and millions of women in the country who are experiencing and all over the world experiencing exactly what you're going through.

And there's millions of husbands sitting next to wives just like this going, I'm hurting too, and I don't know how to hurt. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to say it. And so start there with your husband, have that conversation, and then y'all can lean into the forgiveness process. And let me know how those conversations go, and we will be thinking about you. All right, let's ride one more. Let's go to Adrian in Anchorage, Alaska. Adrian, what's going on? How's it going, Dr. D? Thanks for taking my call. All right, brother.

Thanks for calling, man. So is it, I'm going to take a wild guess, cold? No, it's warm today, 35 degrees. Listen, man, if it was 35 in Nashville, the city would shut down. Everyone just quits. It's warm today. It's August, baby. It's 35.'s 35 all right man that sounds awful to me um anyway go ahead adrian what's going on how can i help well i have uh i have a sister who was diagnosed with diabetes when she was two years old and now she's 31, has two kids, is in kidney failure.

She is with the same blood type and basically I go back and forth on whether or not I want to go through with the process of trying to give her one of my kidneys. Oh man, okay. So you've been confirmed that you can be a donor, huh? So walk me through your thought process. Well, you know, at a young age, my family was told, she was told that she couldn't have kids, she shouldn't have kids, it would significantly impact just her life expectancy, and it could be problematic for the children as well.

And two kids later, I mean, that's exactly where we are. She's just... I just struggle with it because she's somebody who hasn't really taken care of herself the best that she could. And my concerns are, you know, if I do this, is it something that she's going to be willing to do for the rest of her life, is actually take care of herself and do the things that's going to be necessary for the rest of her life in order to, you know, maximize what's going on, as long as,

you know, the impact that it has on my life. You know, I married myself, and we're working on having kids and having just the whole dynamic of everything. It just makes me go back and forth. And on top of that, I'm just – I'm getting – now I'm getting pressure from my mother. Of course, yeah. Hey, so listen, brother, don't punish your sister, don't use your sister's behavior to weigh in on your decision here. but man getting getting diagnosed as a young kid with a with a challenging medical condition that you've got to manage and deal with that level of trauma and the concern and stress that everyone has around you it's not an excuse but it's a context for a tough life for a little kid what i don't want you to get into a a either or like i'll give it to you but you're gonna have to man you are gonna make yourself insane you're going to have to. Man, you are going to make yourself insane.

You're going to sever that relationship, whatever is left of it, and you're going to go nuts. This is a decision for you, not for her. And I know that sounds crazy to sound because she lives if you give her a kidney, right? But it sounds like in your head, if I'm reading the tea leaves here, you almost can't not. You're that kind of guy. Is that right? Correct.

There you go. And so it's almost not whether it can't be about whether she's worth it. She's your sister. Of course she's worth it, right? And you can come up with all sorts of reasons why you don't want to, why it's scary, why it's frustrating, why it's terrifying, all those things, man. And they're all real. But the question is, like, if you can step up and help right now, are you going to or are you not going to?

Yes. That's what I'm asking. Are you going to do it or are you not going to? Because I think you already know the answer, bro. Yeah. I mean, I feel like I don't have a choice. So, yes, I guess. Will you do me a favor, though?

I think you're right. I think you don't have a choice. But I think the temptation is going to be to blame that lack of choice on your sister. It's going to be to blame that on your mom. And I want you to take ownership of it because that's the caliber of person that you are. Similar to if I was walking home tonight and there's a little kid playing in the road and a car is coming, I can't not move that kid out of the way. I can blame the driver. I can blame the kid.

But the reality is, you know who I should blame? My dad because he raised me to take care of the little children in my neighborhood. He raised me to step into hard situations. And that's where you found yourself. And so, when it comes to having kids, man, I think the way to think about it is, do you want to be the dad of kids and they know, oh yeah, you know, the ends of the earth, my dad will go for you. He gave his kidneys to his sister. He literally gave a body part to somebody that he didn't even have a great relationship with.

That's the kind of man my dad is. Versus, is it going to impact some stuff? I'm sure it will. I don't know enough about organ donation and the aftermath, but I'm confident it will impact things here and there. But it sounds like you're the caliber of guy that's going to step up and do this. And tell me if I'm wrong, man. If you're not, then, man, you've heard me say a million times on this show,

tell your parents no. Forget you guys. Y'all don't get a vote. You're out. Sister, you don't get a vote. I'm taking my other kidney and I'm going home. You're free to do that, man. It's your body. But I hear that character hesitation in your heart because I think you know what you're going to do. Am I right?

Sure. Yeah. So what's your hesitancy? Just, I mean, unfortunately, it's financial. You know, it requires the money that's going to take me to a different state. I'll be out of work. You know, just in the past year, you know, just with the craziness, I've been laid off twice. We're just now getting into a position where we're starting to climb out of a big hole with that. And it's just, I mean, as much as I don't want to admit, you know, money is part of my decision because, you know, I have a wife that's relying on me. I have responsibilities and it's all being taken into consideration.

Hey, it should, okay? It absolutely should be taken into consideration. And don't feel bad about putting the nuts and bolts on this thing. It's cool to be all courageous and, yeah, here I come to save the day, but, man, you're exactly right. There's a financial toll to pay. You're going to be out of but man you're exactly right there's a financial toll to pay you're going to be out of work um you may have just picked up a third job you're in a tough tough economy in anchorage right now right and that's when you may have to swallow some pride and get on the phone and call some folks to help you out and that may be asking your mom and dad

to help out or if you've got other brothers and sisters to help out. And there may be nobody there, man. There may be nobody to answer that call. And I don't want to make it sound like it's going to be easy. I'm trying to put myself in your situation right now. I have an older sister too. And if she hollered at me and said, I need a kidney. You know what I would be? I would know I was going to do it. You know what I would be? Scared to death. I'd be scared to death that it didn't work. I'd be scared that I only got one left. I'd be scared that I've got two little kids that I want to make sure I can run around with. And I want you to know it's okay to be scared to death that you're going to undergo a pretty serious surgery to remove part of your body, right? It's not a minor thing.

And you're going to do it out of character. You're going to do it out of the deepest love there is for other people. Have you talked to your sister? How does that conversation go, man? We haven't spoken in years. So let's start there. Will you start there, Adrian? Will you call your sister today and just tell her, hey, I love you.

I love you and I heard you're hurting. And tell me what's going on. Yeah. Because I think that's the place to start. Is connect your heart back to your sisters. And she may tell you, screw you, Adrienne, I don't want your stupid body part. And maybe you're all the way off the hook, dude.

Probably not. But I want you to go first. Having character's hard, man. Doing the right thing is so hard. And, oh, man. Love comes with so much risk and so much pain

and so much what if, what if, if man and then here we are and then you have a sister you haven't talked to in years but i have a feeling man if someone that you worked with you'd be that guy that stepped up and if it was your brother-in-law you'd step up and if it was somebody at your church you'd step up i just think you're that guy man um and if you're not, hear me say, it's your body. You feel free to do what you want to do. But I don't want you to backtrack and say, well, I'm not going to because in the past,

she fill in the blank. Or my mom is really making me, no, man. The heat of this decision rests in your heart and in your character. Do this because you got to do this because it's the right thing to do. Do it because it's hard, hard. And you're that kind of guy. Do it because when you have two or three or four knucklehead little kids running around, your sister is going to be back in your life and she's going to tell them, you know what your daddy did for me? And that's the kind of man he is. Man, that's a story you tell your kids, right? That leads me to this. I've got, you've heard me talk a lot about this. And usually I talk about it again, making jokes about it,

about, hey, it's hard to have hard conversations and it's hard to make wills. It's hard because everyone's faced with hard conversations and everybody passes away. And I was thinking over the weekend, I got to stop making jokes about that sometimes. It's hard, right? I come from a family, we talk about death all the time and passing. That's not normal. It's probably not even healthy. But life is full of hard conversations and these really harsh realities. And if we're loving our family, we're going to talk about hard things like,

hey man, I would love to help out here. We haven't talked in years. We've been estranged from one another. You don't take care of yourself. Help me help you, right? That's a hard conversation. Hey mom, I know you love your daughter and I love her too. And I'm working on it, but how about you back off a little bit? Hey, honey, I love you. And we have three little kids, but one day we're going to pass away and we got to have a will. We've got to do this stuff because it's going to happen. That's all under this umbrella of how to have hard conversations. If you will text LEGACY to 33789, that's LEGACY to 33789. We're going to talk. It's just, it's something here that the Ramsey folks created about how to have hard conversations,

how to talk about making a will, how to talk about these hard conversations that you and your wife need to have. And if you're not even married yet, how you and your future partner can have these conversations. But man, we've just done it three times on this show. Hard conversation after hard conversation after hard conversation. That's the life that we live in. And the better we can get at having those hard conversations and being honest with one another, not that easier life's going to be, but man, it just begins to pull away these bricks of weight so we can handle these things with light feet on a firm foundation. So, Adrian, man, we'll be thinking about you. Here's the deal, Adrian. I'm asking you. I'm not going to beg. I got close just then.

I want to know how this conversation goes with your sister, and I want to know what you decide. Shoot me an email back, and I'm going to read it out over the show, or we may call you back because I'd love to know how that conversation goes and what you ultimately decide. All right, so as we wrap up today's show, again, I want to say thank you to the audience. Y'all are awesome. Zach, James, Kelly. We're going to make a hard transition here because I only got one song and probably wouldn't have been the song i chose for this show but here we go anyway we're gonna we're gonna flip the switch i texted some buddies my old buddies chris and caleb and i said caleb i need a song and he said uh there's just one choice it's 1983 i don't even know if he was alive then i think he was 1983 record can't Slow Down was the name of the record.

It's the one and only Lionel Richie singing his classic. They got booties a-shaking all over the globe. It's called All Night Long, and he sings, Well, my friends, the time has come to raise the roof and have some fun. We're done raising the roof, by the way, but old Lionel can. Throw away the work to be done. Let the music play on, play on, play on. Everybody sing, everybody dance.

Lose yourself in a wild romance. We're going to party. Karamu Fiesta forever. Come on and sing along. People dancing all in the street. See the rhythm all in their feet. Life is good, wild and sweet. Let the music play on, play on, play on.

All night long. All night. All night. All night long. Here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.