The Dr. John Delony Show - Is It Time for Me To Call It Quits on My Marriage?

Episode Date: January 23, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A woman unsure if it’s time to call her marriage quits - A new dad uncomfortable with vaccinating his baby - A mom wondering if she should send her kids to private school on scholarship Lyrics of the Day: "Five Feet High And Rising" - Johnny Cash Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Marriage counseling is pretty cool because we voiced our needs. Did they start with, I need you to stop having sex with other people that aren't me? We were talking about me selling my house, moving in with him, and he made the comment. He would keep the house in his name in case I cheated again, he would kick me out.

Your marriage is over. Yo, yo, yo, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad that you are joining us. We are back from break, and the show's been coming out, so you wouldn't know any different, but it is good to see everybody back. Hey, before we get going, Kelly, what in the world, dude?

So we did this whole thing. I don't remember when this is going to be coming out relative to that, but it's talking about how things have been crazy in our lives. And then... And then God said, hold my beer. What? So what happened? So, you know, my daughter was in the hospital after Thanksgiving. Right.

And then I lost my mom. Yes. And then we thought, whew, that was a lot. Comes in threes. Yeah. And then Christmas Eve, we went to Christmas Eve service, and we came home, and our house flooded. And it is a total loss of the bottom floor. So for those listening, we had these crazy ice storms.

It was freezing. And you have a sprinkler system in your house? Yeah. So the town we live in is a fairly small town. And up until a couple years ago, it only had a volunteer fire department. So any house built before then had sprinkler systems that no one knows anything about. The builders don't know about them. No one knows anything about them.

And it busted. They work don't know about them. No one knows anything about them. And it busted. They work. Yeah, they do. So yeah, the entire bottom floor of the house, our bedrooms, the kitchen, everything is a complete loss. Like subfloor, the HVAC system got wet and has to be everything. So we are in a hotel right now

and moving to a rental home for probably four to six months. Well, I want you to know that I am wearing like a bunch of religious symbols underneath my shirt and garlic around my neck, and you're not allowed near me. Dude, I'm sorry, man. Thanks. I heard about that on Christmas, like right after Christmas. I had no idea. I got a text from you like, hey, do you have a contractor? And I was like,

oh, Kelly's going to have a deck or something. I didn't realize you were homeless. Well, we got a hotel. It's lovely. With two teenagers and a dog. It's not. No. Two teenagers and a dog. Oh my gosh. Well, I'm glad to see you. I'm glad to be back.

It's good to have something somewhat normal. Because everything's so upside down right now. When this is your new normal, then we got a problem. But it is. So here we are. Oh, man. All right. Let's go to Kelly.

Kelly. Not you, Kelly. It's not me, I swear. The other Kelly in Rochester, New York. What's up, Kelly? Hi, Dr. Deloney. How are you? I'm good.

How are you? I'm good. How are you? All right. Something must be wrong with having the name Kelly because my furnace went, my hot water heater went, and I needed new tires. Good grief, man. Your furnace and your hot water? Yeah, my furnace, hot water heater, and my tires, which it was like three degrees like a couple of weeks ago. So I was worried about my pipe freezing and getting to work. That is no bueno, man. You got it worked out?

What's that? You got it worked out? Yeah. Good. Good, good, good. All right. So what's up? How can I help?

Yeah. So my question is, do I wait for my husband to make a decision regarding the future of our marriage or do I call it quits? Tell me more. Yeah. So we dated for four years and we've been married for six years. Uh, we have a six year old daughter so just a little bit of background uh in april of 2021 i had an affair he discovered this via text uh he moved out uh we're still currently separated but that's kind of a long story um i continued to see the new guy for a year and then broke things off with him so this wasn't just a hookup. This is like you, you found somebody new, right? What did this dude, uh, just, this is an aside. What did this, but it will loop back around. What did this person

bring you? Um, you've talked about that high and feeling alive. Um, that was one thing. Um was uh uh shoot sorry um he paid attention to me um validated me um mutual interests we worked together which talk about that a lot um yeah so so your husband finds out um he steps away you continue this relationship, and then it eventually breaks up. And y'all are still talking, you and your husband? Y'all never got divorced? Right. We were looking to file, and then kind of the rest of the story is he was seeing someone else as well during that year that I was. And then we both, around the same time, it was kind of weird, stopped seeing other people. And now we're trying to rekindle our marriage. We went to marriage counseling. He initiated that. And then I started going to one-on-one counseling through BetterHelp, and I'm still doing that. And then I started going to like one-on-one counseling through better help. And

I'm still doing that. And then at marriage counseling, it was pretty cool because we voiced our needs, um, which was kind of a long process. Um, did they start just, just as a, an aside, did they start with, um, I need you to stop having sex with other people that aren't me. Was that one of them? No. Well, I mean, it wasn't, I mean, we got into the entire story, entire details. Just one, I was just wondering if that was, because if I'm in your, if either one of your shoes, that would have been like my second or third need, probably, top three. Yeah, I mean, it wasn't, yeah, it wasn't said as directly. Sorry, you caught me off guard.

But, yes. All right, all right. That was discussed. So, you're in marriage counseling, and it's clearly not going well. So, fast forward to now. Is he just falling off the map? Exactly, yeah. Are y'all still living apart?

We are. exactly yeah um are y'all still living apart of that we are um part of that is uh we were talking about me selling my house moving in with him and he made the comment at marriage counseling that uh he would keep the house in his name in case i cheated again he would kick me out. Yeah. Like your marriage is over. It's over. It's done. And now he sounds like he's unable to say it's over. And so he's just going to let it run out of air or run out of gas. And when that happens, it's very hard to make rational adult decisions when you resent each other. And the longer this thing just gets suffocated or just runs out of gas and the car is just rolling down the road. It's not even driving anymore.

And the messier your co-parenting gets the messier decisions you stop you start you stop not liking each other you start hating each other and tell me i'm wrong no you're right i mean it sounds it sounds over yeah is he pulling back and and withdrawing yes and he's actually started, I discovered text messages that, well, I didn't see them, but he was texting the girl he was with prior. And I straight up asked him if he was interested in her. And he said, no. But when I asked him about us, if you want to still be with me, he said, I don't know. I can't seem to get over what you did yeah that's fair and so i here's the deal y'all need to go out to a grown-up lunch or grown-up breakfast and call it

because here's the deal you've got you've got a kid who's absorbing all of this right and um y'all are being cruel to her. You're being cruel to each other. Don't you think? Yeah. At some point. And neither of you want to. You don't want to have been the person who cheated and ruined your marriage. You don't want that.

Right. Your husband doesn't want to have been a guy that got cheated on. And y'all don't want to. Your daughter to grow up in a divorced household. You don't want all these things yet here we are and so this the sooner you can own reality and acknowledge reality and then begin to live with that understanding the the the faster people will heal and the better chances you'll have of being acting like mature adults down the road yeah it becomes does that make sense?

Yeah. So somebody's got to call it. Okay. And if you sit down and say, I'm asking you to make a decision right now, are we done? And if he says, well,

I don't know it. You need to have a decision. Okay. And if you get in this, well, I'm not doing it. Well, you're, I don't know it, you need to have a decision. Okay. And if you get in this, well, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I mean, come on, man. We got to be grownups at this point. You got a kid, right? Right.

And you have to make decisions with what comes next. It sounds like he's called it quits. He just hasn't said it out loud yet. Right. Okay. I'm sorry. Thank you. Yeah. Are you. Yeah.

Are you at a place where you've forgiven yourself? Working on it. Okay. Some days are better than others. Yeah. It'll take a season. And he's not blameless either. Yeah. What have you learned in this situation oh um i gotta take care of myself because i'm used to you know putting other people first and then

i realize i have needs and then i make poor decisions. So more of a balance. I think if you were to be honest about your needs and have the courage to voice them as you need them, not wait till they all pile up and then- Oh yeah, definitely pile up. That makes sense and becomes insurmountable. And then some sweet talking dude who just wants to hook up with you at work is able to cut your

values off at the roots, right? Right. Yeah, your values are worth being spoken out loud. I hope you'll take that with you. Yeah. Is that fair?

The end of this, even though it feels like it's, I mean, y'all have been separated, what, a year now? Two years? Or I guess a year and a half? Yeah, a year and a half. Yep. Okay. The finality will feel like a death. It will hit you harder than you think it's going to.

Okay? Because there's part of you that thinks, I've been living living with this we've kind of been practicing being divorced right and kid going back and forth and all that it will be a whole other layer when this thing is finalized or when somebody says i'm gonna do this let's do a no-fault divorce so it's not drama we're not causing problems we're not splitting up everything i'm not not going to sue you or whatever. We're going to be adults about this. We're going to have a no fault and we're going to sign it up and we're going to then be great co-parents.

And we're not going to give all of our money to attorneys. And when the moment you do that, it's going to be heavy. And y'all both might sit there and weep at the lunch table. Right. Is that fair? Yeah. And here's what I want you to also do this.

I want you to have, just in case, just in case, you sit down for breakfast or lunch and you say, hey, are we done? And he looks at you and says, absolutely not. It's 2023. I'm coming out swinging for my marriage. We're going to make it new. I'm not giving up on this thing. I'm all in. I want you to have a list of things, five things, 10 things. Here's what I need from you moving forward. We have to live in the same house. We got to share bank accounts. You got to be all in. You got to put both feet in this thing. I'm going to put both feet in this thing. And that means you can get hurt again and I can get hurt again. But that's the only way we can go forward. You tell me what you need. I'll open up all my

text messages. I won't text another person I'm not married to. Like, whatever we need to do. Have your list just in case. But it sounds like this thing is over. It needs somebody who's an adult to say, all right, what are we going to do next? It's just about owning reality. I'm sorry that you're here. I hope that 2023 is a year of healing for you. Healing always starts with telling the truth, owning reality, and asking that one terrifying question, what are we going to do next? We'll be right back.

It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new home buyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey-trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades.

And their Home Buyer Edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill-certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillmortgage.com slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we're back. Let's go to Frank in Pittsburgh. What's up, Frank? How you doing, John?

Thanks for taking my call, and thanks for everything you guys do. You got it, my brother. What's up, dude? How can I help? My question is, I had a baby just under two months ago. Okay, congratulations. Boy or girl? Thank you.

Boy. All right. Little Joseph. Little Joseph. And now it's time for his shots to come up, his vaccines and all that. And I'm struggling trying to trust where the CDC and all that, where the mistrust with COVID came. Now I'm struggling to trust where the old stuff, you know, I'm questioning everything. When you ask a question, the doctors shut you down and say, you know,

it's safe. Just do it. Well, do I know it's safe? Do I, what do I do? You know, do I, do I listen to them or, you know, I'm not an anti-vaxxer by any means, but I'm not a, but the whole thing got sideways. Yeah. The whole thing got sideways. I've, I've told some of my closest friends, I think, I think this was a hundred year, I may have even said on the show, I think this was a hundred year setback. So we lost trust in our churches. We lost trust in our educational institutions. We lost trust in medicine. And those are pillars that prop up a civilization. And there's going to be a long, hard road back to trust and reestablishing trust. So I'm going to – I'm not a vaccine expert, okay? And I am, though, going to tell you how I make these kind of decisions.

I'll give you a matrix, okay? Okay. Or not really a matrix. That's not right. I'm going to give you a framework for how I make these decisions, I'll give you a matrix. Okay. Okay. Or not really, not really a matrix. That's, that's not right. I'm gonna give you a framework for how I make these decisions. Okay. Okay. And then I'll tell you, I'll give you like the, the, the nitty gritty, what I think. Okay. Which that might buy you a cup of coffee. Um, if the coffee's free and it's like, you know what I mean? So, um, big picture, there's this's this um a terrible human being and you've if you've listened to the show long enough you know that i rarely say that okay i think people are flawed they screw up

we all do and then we all have roads to redemption there's a terrible human being his name is uh andrew wakefield he is the fraudulent scientist total fraud, who came up with this bullcrap connection between the MMR vaccines and autism. Absolute fake data, lied about the whole thing, and then spread it out, and then went on a campaign, essentially, him and an attorney. There's a fantastic book by Brian Deer. It's like the man who tricked, doctor who fooled the world. It's just disturbing. Okay. So we have this emergence recently of this anti-vaxxing stuff. I can't express it enough how nonsensical it is. And here's where it's evil. There are countless parents who have autism who think they did something wrong to their kid that's why this dude is evil and that

planted these seeds of doubt in all of us i've got two little kids right and so i start questioning like when the i call her the nurse of death when you have this sweet little two-year-old or two month old and then this sweet nurse comes in and just pulls these these these shots out and jabs this little i mean that's a whole other day another story okay so i want to say this like unequivocally and this is not me like i'm making a stand no i just look at data just pure numbers vaccines have saved millions and millions and millions and millions of lives. Full stop, period, end of sentence. Okay? And COVID got politicized and sideways,

and the COVID vaccine became a nightmare. Yes. Okay? And I am right there with you. I'm right there with you. So as a new dad, you're right to be nervous. Like, what do I do, man? Do I do that?

Like, you are right on with every other dad, me included. Okay? Yep. And here is the framework by which I make these decisions. This is how I make medical decisions. This is how I make financial decisions. This is how I make mechanic decisions. Number one, I have one, two, three, four, five people that work in that field that i trust

okay now i'm privileged in that i've worked in universities forever i know i i can call research scientists in my cell phone number okay i mean in my cell phone so not everybody's got that um and here's the here's the question that shifted for me about a decade ago. I do not ask people what they think. I worked at a law school and there was some of the most brilliant minds in the world. And they were legal scholars. They were professors of law. So they were trained over years and years and years to find arguments and exploit holes in arguments they were masters at it okay and i could ask him what do you think about something and they could spin me an hour-long detail about it but then i would see their kids and i was like well your kid's doing that

like do you what do you think about organic cotton and they'd be like well i think organic cotton is this and this and they would give me all this data about the fields and about Roundup and about all this stuff. Then I'd see their kids wearing cotton shirts. And I'd be like, oh, you think this, but you believe this. Yes. And so I quit asking, what do you think? I do not ask that question anymore. I only ask this question.

What are you doing with your kids? I ask my this question. What are you doing with your kids? I asked my doctor that. I asked my friends that. I asked my finance person that. I told my finance person, I want my portfolio to exactly match yours. And he was like, he's a close friend. He's like, well, you know, and I was like, no, no, no.

I want to exactly match yours. And he's like, you got it. And because if you trusted enough for yours, you're not gonna sell me some product. I want it to look just like yours. Same with a car. Hey, which car do you think is good? Well, I like this one, but what car did you buy for you and your family? Well, we bought that one.

Well, that's what you believe then. That makes sense. So with my doctors doctors i've asked them point blank what did you do with your kids and if they gave this kid that vaccine then it's safe enough for their kid then i don't know enough other than what the news tells me in some stupid youtube videos which should not exist so i'm going to ask the people in the field what are you doing with your children and that's going to be that's gonna be my guide you see what i'm saying yes and that has given me a lot of peace yep okay and so i've given i've given my kids not all the vaccines but i have

given my kids mmr i've given them hpv my oldest. Like I've given them those things. And there's a few vaccines that I didn't give them because I sat down with my doctor and we looked at the data together. And my doctor happens to be a super nerd and he loves those kinds of questions. I have a gut reaction to professionals who don't like questions.

That's the pickle I'm in is my pediatrician. Now the practice they're in there. Anytime you ask a question, it's, it's, Oh no, that's not going to happen. Well, how do you know? How do you, where's the data? Where's the, where do you, how do you know? I mean, do you, and then they, they just, they more blow it off than answer the question. Right. And I'm fortunate, Gus Vickery, my doctor, he'll email me the study. He'll send it to me. And I was challenging him on something and he sent me two or three studies and I was like, well, you're right. And so not every doctor can do that and not every doctor will do that. Here's what I would love you to get in the habit of doing. And this is going to be when you have to talk to a third grade teacher this is gonna be when you talk to a

middle school coach when you whatever the theater teacher is sitting down and saying hey can you explain this to me how this works okay um and take the humble um submission approach not the i was watching this youtube video and I Googled it. And I think, because the doctors get that all day long. Yes. But if you said, hey, sir, I feel like you're blowing me off. Can I just ask you, like, this is the most important, this person in my life is my little baby. I don't understand.

I'm getting a lot of conflicting advice. Can you point me to some data? And go from there? And if they say we don't do that, then I would be on the lookout for a new pediatrician. And I know that's a, what is my insurance going to take? And it's going to take me a year and all that. I get that. And that stinks. And it might not be this time, but it might be next time. But that's where I would head out. I just might from my mechanic, Hey, why are we doing this particular thing and why are we doing that? I want people to explain stuff to me, and that's not out of bounds if I'm paying you. Exactly.

Is that fair? Yep. You're not crazy, and you're a good dad. Let me leave you with this. I'll leave you with this. Okay. The mark of a wise person is somebody who can hold different data points in either hand and not go mad. Okay.

Still make a wise choice. And so on one hand, we have to hold that vaccines have saved millions and millions of lives. And if you're like, I don't think so. I promise my garden is bigger than yours and my family eats organic food. I'm all into all the conspiracies.

I'm just looking at the data, okay? And then on the other hand, the COVID vaccine turned into a absolute quagmire. Yes. Okay, I've got to hold both of those. And then look at my two-month-old and the doctor who wants to give them their MMR shots, round one, and say, did you give these shots to your kids? Because I'm just nervous about vaccines now with all the drama. Did you give these to yours? And if they look at you and say, I'm not telling you that information, then say, I appreciate your time. I'm going to go find me another doctor. 99% of the time, they will say, yeah, I did. I'll leave you. I think I've told this on the show.

When my daughter was born, we had an amazing, the greatest OBGYN ever. She's just stunning. She was a head of the clinic at the University Hospital when my daughter was born. She's just stunning. She was a head of the clinic at the university hospital where my daughter was born. She was just amazing. And I worked at the, at the university in another, another college. And so we would, I could email back and forth just because we were in the internal system. And so I would ask this kind of question and this question and that question. I was always asking all these questions about MTHFR and all these things. And then one day we were just doing a routine checkup and I had just read this thing about

DEET, how DEET was a neurotoxin, was going to kill us all, blah, blah, blah, DEET and bug spray, and we're walking out of the OBGYN, of the, you know, the baby checkup, and I turned, her name was Dr. Fai, Jennifer Fai, she's extraordinary, I looked at her and said, Hey, real quick, you put bug spray on your kids. And she smiled real big. She knew she's like, yes, John deed is not good for, it's not great. And I'm way more worried about other things. So yes, I, I spray bug spray on my kids. And I was like, that's all I need to know. There's not one thing on a YouTube video that I'm going to learn that's going to be more value to me than a brilliant research medical doctor and the way she treats her own kids. And so that became the litmus test for me.

I'm going to ask you, what do you do with your kids? What are you doing with your money, with your cars, with your home? Are you buying a house right now? Are you waiting? Oh, it's all coming down. You shouldn't buy a house. Why did you buy one last month? I cars, with your home. Are you buying a house right now? Are you waiting? Oh, it's all coming down. You shouldn't buy a house. Why'd you buy one last month? I mean, it's fine.

What are you doing with your most important loves? What are you doing with your most important assets? That's where I'm going to follow, not just some. I think that, hey, and by the way, Frank, you're a great dad. Good for you for asking these hard questions. Good for you for caring about the things that go in and out of your... Thank you for caring about your kid and their medical decisions, their nutrition decisions, all that. You're a good man.

We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life,

and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey

and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Diloni to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney.

All right. Let's go to Julie. Oh, right down the street in Nashville, Tennessee. What's up? Hi, how are you? I'm good. What are you doing? Well, I'm hanging out in my car talking to you.

Hey, listen. In 2023, I'm trying to be more mature. And there was like three jokes that I was about to make that I did not make because I'm trying to be more grown up. So I want all of America to know, all 19 listeners, I'm grown up. Okay, so Julie, you're in your car chatting with me. What's up? Well, I'm calling to ask your opinion. We're thinking about putting our daughter into a private school,

but we are middle class. This is an elite private school. And how do we cope with, how do we help her cope with feeling different from other kids? And will it be more damaging to her to attend this school or to go to public school after we have to move to Pennsylvania to try to get her a better education in a public school? Julie, I've already taken a vaccine call on this show, and now you're giving me the public school, private school call? Yes.

Kelly, they're trying to cancel us on the first episode back. All right, Julie. Well, here's the deal. I promised on the show I would never lie. That was like one of my core tenets when I took this show, when I decided to do this. And so I'm just going to tell you the truth as best as I know it, and then I'll tell you about my own kids, and then we'll go from there.

Is that cool? Yes, absolutely. Okay, let me ask you a few questions first. Why, number one, how old is your kid? Almost 11. Okay. Why are you worried about public schools? Or why a public school? I sorry why why why a private school yeah

oh okay so she's already been in private school through elementary school okay um yeah so um at this point um we're looking at going into middle school and we're wondering if that's something we should continue with or if we should go on to public school. But this is not the place for public school, not where we live. The schools are not great here, and it's my responsibility to provide her with the best education that we possibly can. So what makes the schools not great?

I think that the academics, they're just not up to par. I have a relative who taught in the schools here. He'll say, yeah, they're okay. There are no advanced classes at all. No AP courses, no extra enrichment for kids that would benefit from that. There's just nothing. And then I have talked to a few students who graduated from the school near us, and they said they didn't feel prepared for college at all,

and they did well in high school. So you're thinking about moving, or you're thinking about mortgaging no no mortgaging your souls to pay for private school yes yeah that's basically it is there a little bit where like i've had a really crummy car a bunch in my life actually and the car is so junky It's just It's just like falling apart It's not good

It gets me where I need to go But it's just awful Yeah And I end up Looking at cars That are Like nine rungs above Where I should be looking

Right Have you hit the pendulum so far? Let me No No? I don't think so tell me why we do get financial aid okay no we don't have to come up with all the money is that what you mean no no no i'm talking about your fall so i worked in education for for two decades okay private schools public schools private universities public universities i've worked in across the gamut okay my kids have gone to private school and public schools okay so there is some data that exists about kids who go to private school end up with better outcomes test scores um act scores sat college admissions, and things like that. I believe with all my guts, and until I see a study that shows me that I'm wrong, which I'll

get on the show and say, hey, I was wrong. I don't think it exists. I think that's much more about an inputs question than an outputs. Meaning, for those listening, if you live in a community and it's full of surgeons and, you know, bajillionaire businessmen and women who are sending their kids to this private school, well, you've self-selected into a school and the school can reject kids or not let kids in who aren't of certain academic quality. So you get a selected group of kids who are then, of course, are going to go on to have high test scores.

But that has very little to do with the education, right? Even if you look at Harvard, a study just came out, the Harvard grade inflation. Everybody gets A's there now. Everybody. They all get A's. And so you can look and be like,

man, Harvard puts out only people who have four O's. No, they don't. They just give everybody A's, right? The community college class in rural Oklahoma who takes a kid who can't read and then gives that kid some skills to go get a job. That's, I mean, you see what I'm saying? So the institution you're falling prey to, you have to give your kid the best if you really love that kid. Right.

And there's only one best, and that's us. And we're $58,000 a year. Right. From sixth grade. No, there are other ways to get there. I agree. See what I'm saying?

So my wife often reminds me, she's the one who is the K-12 scholar. She was Dr. Deloney long before I was. She's way, way smarter than me. She reminds me often, John, did we go to college? Yes. Do we read to our kids? Yes.

Do we have books in our house? Yes. Do we all have dinner at a table regularly? Yes. Our kids are going to be fine. Those are the data points. Okay. Now, when you get to college prep and all that, that's a whole thing.

I went to an incredible public high school in Houston, and I was very prepared for college. So it doesn't matter. Is there something deeper here? Is this purely academic? So you're worried about the social stuff or are you worried about that kind of drama? Yeah, pretty much.

Like there's already been some talk of Lily lives in a little house. We don't live in a little house. Like, but you know, like why this, and then she'll ask me questions like, why can't we have an SUV? Why did you drive a little car?

You know, things like that, that can, she can internalize and take that into her future. And I don't want to do that to her. I grew up, um, a poor kid in a very affluent community. And I consider that one of the greatest privileges of my life, even though it was awful. And I have a lot of trauma and scars from it. Oh, no. Okay. And here's where the trauma and scars come from.

We didn't talk about it. Okay. That's where. And so when you don't talk about stuff, they become secrets and secrets feed shame. And shame is something's wrong with me because our house is too small. Something's wrong with me because I only have two pair of shoes. I only have one jacket or coat. Right.

See what I'm saying? That's different than, no, this is how we choose to do it. We're choosing to have a, like the house I live in right now is a pretty small house. And I tell my kids, like we intentionally chose a small house.

I like all my kids. I like everybody in one little, like close to us. And we're doing that too. There you see. And so talking about, no, talking about no no we're making choices yeah we could go mortgage our souls and get a brand new lexus and pay 1400 a month why that's dumb it's a depreciating asset we buy used camrys they're awesome and so i'm teaching my kids

to be proud of the choices they are making and proud of their particular station. Okay. Does that make sense? So we're, we're talking about it. My kids have no idea what kind of resources we have. You see what I'm saying? Yes. And I want it that way. So I think this is hard because there are some really crummy, difficult,

um, public schools they exist and a 50 or 60 thousand dollar a year private school may not solve your problems or that may be taking a

sledgehammer to a mosquito okay is there an in-between? Yeah, and there are a lot of options. Okay. To make that happen. Yeah.

Have you fallen prey to, we need to get the best, and if we don't get the best, I'm failing my kid, and I'm going to have to take a second job and a third job and all that? Not the best. We don't necessarily have to do the best, but we are going to do better than what we have locally. I think we're committed to that. Okay. Here's my big picture. My kids go to public school. When I'm on the internet, it's on social media, which is not a ton, nothing gets more pushback than when I tell people that my kids go to

public school and so I'm going to make this super clear I want my kids exposed to nutty ideas I want my kids exposed to wackadoo people

with strange ways of doing the world I want them exposed to that while they still live in my house because they're going to get exposed to that in college. They're going to get exposed to that in the workplace. They're going to get exposed to that everywhere. You cannot live your life.

Now, I don't want my kids exposed to violence. I don't want my kids exposed to terrible teachers and awful administrators, which sounds like that's where you are, who just are not academically challenging at all. I don't want that. Yeah, absolutely. But it's my job to teach my kids spirituality. It's my job to teach my kids community and resilience and how to come back from hard things. My kids have had teachers that weren't great. And God, can you imagine having Dr. Deloney and Dr dr deloney with three doctorates

in education coming and sitting down and staring across from you and you're a third year teacher i mean it's not even fair so we try to be nice my wife and i but like there's business teachers that weren't great and so we got to teach my son you're gonna have a boss that's not great or you're gonna have a client that's not great and they're gonna be really tough to work with here's how you right that's how you perse. And so I think there's some meta lessons there that are so good. I'm not outsourcing that stuff. That's my job. Yeah. And I, there is a balance, but I'm, I'm, I'm going right through the middle of it. I'm going right through the middle of it. I would not worry if you do go to private school, I would not worry about your kid being the whatever kid.

In fact, I would celebrate their friends' parents. Okay. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah, like so-and-so's dad is a surgeon, man. He cuts open people's heads for a living. His mom replaces hearts. She makes so much money.

They take care of them. Like I, I mean, I would celebrate it. Right. Yeah. We're going to do that. You see what I'm saying?

Like, just hold it really open. Yeah. This is who we are. This is how we roll. Can I ask you one personal question? Absolutely. Do you feel less than?

No, actually, no, I don't. I, I work with a lot of the people that she goes to school with the parents of the children and um they treat me really well um we've yeah we're good so you don't feel like if you accept financial aid that you're some kind of charity case and that you're some kind of you don't feel less than no okay no no no this is um part of part of our family's journey okay because your kids your kids will absorb that okay and i want you to be really proud of the

choices you're making for your kid whatever your choices happen to be and by the way i don't hate on private schools um if there was a great private school and we my wife and i chose to use our resources that way we'd definitely do that um one of my kids may end up a great private school and my wife and I chose to use our resources that way, we'd definitely do that. One of my kids may end up in a private school someday, but I don't have any ill will towards them at all. I just hear some of the reasons people choose to go, and it just sounds nonsensical. What you're saying is really powerful, I think. Like you're concerned about your kid's grades or what your kids are learning. I do think that matters.

I think that's important. And if you're going to school and they're just sitting you on Khan Academy or telling you to watch online videos or something that's not teaching, that's not learning, you need some engagement with real humans who are walking you through things. And again, that's not opinion. That's just from the data. Your kid's going to be your kid and your kid is going to absorb the lessons they get from you. And there's going to be bullies everywhere. And there's going to be moron kids everywhere. And there's going to be the rich kid and the super poor kid everywhere.

Kids desperately need their parents to be anchored in, number one, together, mom and dad together, and they need to be anchored in to a set of values. This is who we are. We choose to drive used cars. We choose to live in a smaller house. We choose to live in a huge house. This is how we choose to do it.

We have extra bedrooms so anybody can come stay with us whenever they need a place to come visit. We choose to have a lake house so that we can go hang out. Whatever your life is, own it. Own it. Don't let your kids absorb your shame or let themselves feel less than. Own it. Good for you, Julie, for loving your kids, thinking it through carefully. I would see if there's another option before you mortgage everything. And if you do end up going that route, go for it. Stand tall. Your kids are going to do great. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out

or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com.

All right, we're back. And for those six or seven people who are still listening after we talked about private schools and vaccines, Kelly has decided the song of the day is from one of my favorites, Johnny Cash. One of my favorite, favorite, favorites. The song's in honor of her flooded out home. I'm so sorry, man.

Happy New Year. Happy New Year. And Merry Christmas. Yeah. I think there's no way you were at church. I really was. There's no way. But my husband did laugh that, so while we were at church,

the Cowboys beat the Eagles, which no one thought would happen. Right. And my husband later said, that was God giving me this little thing and saying, enjoy this, because in about an hour. Nope. God, y'all were on your cell phone during church. That's what he smoted you for. I was not on my cell phone during church. Oh, my gosh.

Thank you very much. Yes, you were. Unbelievable. The song's called Five Feet High and Rising And this is not about Kelly's drugs The song goes like this My mama always taught me that good things come from adversity If we put our faith in the Lord

We couldn't see much good in the floodwaters When they were causing us to leave home But when the water went down We found that it had washed a load of rich black bottom dirt Across our land The following year, we had the best crop we'd ever had. I remember hearing, how high is the water,

Mama? Two feet high and rising. How high is the water, Papa? Two feet high and rising. How high is the water, Kelly? Feels like 12 feet high and rising. Actually, all the water's gone now though oh man happy new year everybody we'll see you soon