The Dr. John Delony Show - Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?

Episode Date: April 4, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·      A wife unsure if she should fight for her marriage or get a divorce ·      A daughter concerned about how politics has divided her family ·      A father afraid a new baby will change his relationship with his stepson Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.  🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi.  💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne.   🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Should I stay and try to fix my marriage or is it simply beyond saving? That's a big one. Twenty years means you've dealt with a lot of gnarly actions inside your home. Give me an example of a few of them. What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Delaney show, taking calls from all over planet Earth about your marriages, your relationships, your mental and emotional health, struggles with addiction, whatever you got going on in your life. My promise is this I may not have all the answers But I promise I'll sit with you And we'll figure out what's the next right move

I've been doing this for more than two decades and it's one of my one of my the highest honors of my life that I get to sit with folks in amidst their pain and amidst their trust and see if I can point out on the horizon and find a small pinprick of a light that might provide hope for the next right move. If you want to sit down and have a chat with me, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask ASK. I'd love to have you on the show.

Let's roll out to Ontario, Canada and talk to Audrey. Hey Audrey, what's up lady? Hey, oh my gosh. I'm a big fan. You've been with me on my journey. I'm a huge Audrey fan. This is big for both of us. What's up?

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So I guess my short question is, should I stay and try to fix my marriage or is it simply beyond savings? That's a big one. So if you've listened to me for more than like three minutes, you know I'm not going to give you that full answer, but I'll sit with you. What you got going on? Okay. We've been together for about 20 years, two young kids, and he's also had a binge cocaine

addiction the entire time. It's gone spans of a year not using, but it's been consistent. And we've tried rehab, he's tried rehab, we've tried counseling, we tried everything. And it's continued to escalate. And finally, about six months ago, when he brought it into the house, I kicked him out and separated and told him to leave. And so it's been six months, we've done therapy, and I picked them out and separated and told them to leave.

And so it's been six months. We've done therapy, we've done family therapy, IV therapy, we've done all the therapies and we're just stuck. And the only difference is he doesn't live here. And he sometimes sees the kids when he's not using, he only uses on the weekends it appears, and he's high functioning otherwise, but not functioning for our family. And I'm stuck.

Yeah. To get this out of the way, otherwise it'll just spin in my head and loop and loop and loop. I absolutely hate the phrase high functioning. Yeah. Because all that means is somebody has X, Y, or Z challenge or struggle with addiction or mental health disorder, whatever it is, and they go to work and get a paycheck. High functioning rarely is in reference to the wake that somebody like your husband leaves

relationally, emotionally, financially on the people that love him. And for those, I've spent a lot of time with people who struggle with cocaine. Just for people who are listening who don't have that kind of reference, 20 years means you've dealt with a lot of gnarly actions inside your home. Give me an example of a few of them. Well, I had a hard time going away, but when I did go away about a year and a half ago on a trip, that was pretty important across the world.

He was with the kids and used and my daughter called, FaceTimed, she's young, but she FaceTimed, and I had to get somebody to the house to take the kids away. And that was kind of the thing that I said I would never be okay with, and it happened. And then it took me a year before he just continued to do it. And he brought it into the house when we were all sleeping

and I caught him. And that was an agreement. And he's been bringing it into the house forever. You know that. There's more, there's more. How many times has he cheated on you? Because five years ago, exactly five years ago, I found out there was escorts too.

And so it's bad. What about your finances? We're both in finance, so finances are not bad. They're good. Okay. Ish. Yeah, I'm thinking of what they could have been 20 years ago versus how much have just literally been snorted away.

So can I ask you a personal question? I want to kick you while you're down, but can I ask you a hard question? Why'd you make humans with this guy? I don't know. I thought, I guess naively I thought I guess this happens and He's not doing it. He didn't do it It would be like two years span and it wouldn't happen and then it would happen and he would just disappear for 24 hours Or 72 hours humans. Yeah. Yeah, usually about

24 for sure It usually didn't go beyond 24. That means you were really present in the ramp up. Uh-huh. For most normal mortals, it would have been 48 to 72 hours, but you, I guess, could handle the front end of that before he had disappeared. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. And he's mad at me. And so there's a lot of anger of course he is and You know, there's a lot of everything's intermingled. It's not the other it's so clear. Yeah, it's not. Yeah What is it about your current reality that you're having trouble being honest about? because listen for the last 20 years you have lived inside of a spiderweb of dishonesty and you've allowed it to, it's both and. And so what is it about this current reality?

Like if your friend set you down, forget the cocaine, forget the drug abuse. Hey, my husband's getting a bunch of escorts. He's making the kids incredibly unsafe. He's making you unsafe with his sexual practices. He disappears for days on end. What would you tell your friend? Get out. Get out.

So what is it about this situation that you can't put both feet on the ground? I feel like you're out in the bay in the, and it's three feet, but you won't just stand up. I don't know. It's three feet deep. Yeah. What are you scared of? I don't know.

I guess I'm scared of him dying. Tell me about that. What if I can't do it? Tell me about that. Well, not about't do it? Tell me about that. Well, not about the can't do it. You're a financial executive. You make enough money. You've got a rare thing that women in your situation have and that's financial security.

You're okay. Yeah. I want to go back to the thing before that. Yeah. My dad died when I was eight. There it is. He killed himself. And you've been watching a man slowly kill himself for two decades.

Yep. Yep. Tell me about your old man. I don't remember. I was eight. You remember the bomb blast though? Yeah, yeah. Like he was abusive to my mom.

She separated from them. They were separated at the time and he was coming to get us to take us out for breakfast. And she found him in the garage. So I'm sure that's, I'm paranoid or petrified of him dying. Yeah. But I know all the things. I am intelligent. I can do this. It's nothing to do with intelligence, Audrey. Yeah. I'm just stuck. I know. I have lawyers. I'm ready to go with things, but I'm just stuck.

Your dad, your dad dying wasn't your fault. You know that, but I'm just stuck. Your dad dying wasn't your fault, you know that, right? Yeah, yeah. Yep. I guess it feels with him, it is my fault because I didn't save him. You don't have that kind of power, sweetheart. You don't have that kind of power. No.

You didn't have that kind of power when you feel when you're eight years old and there's not a more powerless feeling than when one of our parents dies when we were a kid. Yeah. And there's especially not a more powerless feeling when mom says dumb things on the back end of that. Yeah. things on the back end of that. I mean, he's out and me and the kids are safe and we're at peace. And, you know, but I can't ever get rid of him because he's their father.

And he has for the same company. You can't get rid of him. He is opting out of their life. He has. He has opted out multiple times. And I want you to consider the fact that he is screaming in his silent voice. Please get these kids away from me.

I'm not safe. Yeah. Yeah. You say you work at the same place? Yeah, not in the same, for the same company, but not in the same place every day. Will this cost you professionally to divorce him? I hope not, but that fear is there. The stigma, the, yeah, I mean, as big as it is, it's still small.

So yeah, I'm concerned about that. Will he be a person of character on the back end or will he run you down? He has been a person of character so far, but he is running me down silently and nobody knows that he has this problem either. Well, and that's that. So let me, let me change the language a little bit. So you, I guess for all intents and purposes, you've made your decision.

Yeah. And if you're calling me as like, just like a kind of a, like a, like a C level podcaster to be like, do I stamp this? Yes, I stamp your decision. Validation. Consider it stamped, okay? Yeah.

I don't know that I've talked to somebody who's tried this hard for this long to get somebody to see in the mirror what you see, which is a man that you love. Yeah, I do. in the mirror what you see, which is a man that you love. Yeah. Yeah, I do. And he's gone from he can't to now I think it's he won't. Yeah. And so he won't. And exhale, put a stamp on it.

When you make that decision that I'm ending this for the safety of me, my family, my children, you are now entering into a business transaction. And if you are doing business, if you were sitting around a table with a room full of lawyers about to sign an agreement or terminate a contract with business professionals, there'd be some sort of NDA-ish kind of language that says, you can't go out in the public and run me down or I'm gonna make this whole thing public. Right.

And so now that you're entering into this world, that's gotta be part of the language. You can't quote unquote protect yourself partly, right? Boxers don't go in with one arm up, they gotta have both up, They're going to get knocked out. Yeah. And you know as well as I do that in the workplace, his words going to be valued, especially initially over yours.

Yeah. He holds a higher position too. Yeah. Yeah. So we're going to be people of integrity and we're also going to put down in writing, this is how this is going to go. But you need to hear me say he left you a long time ago. He just didn't do the paperwork. Yeah.

He just keeps coming back. Well, you keep allowing him back. I would come back if I was him too, to a warm safe place with somebody who loves me unconditionally and who let me just run amok and two little miniature versions of myself that are the fantasy of the innocence and purity that I could have been, that I still can be, but I just won't. Yeah. Of course he comes home.

How old are your kids? Eight and ten. I would use language like daddy's really sick. I did. I did after listening to a few of you. I have. That's the language I'm using with them. after listening to a few of you. Yeah. I have, that's the language I'm using with them. Okay. My 10 year old knows that it's drugs. They call it acting weird. When mom's away, dad acts weird, but it's just for a day.

Gosh. Yeah, they're in therapy too. Well, I mean, that's all well and good. Therapy all around. Yeah, I mean, it's all well and good. You're pretty theropized up, you know what I mean? Yeah. The thing you've got to start doing is taking action.

Yeah. You've thought about it enough. You've talked yourself into circles. You've had enough cups of coffee with well-meaning, like it's time to either say, this is who your dad is and we're going to ride or die, or your dad has opted out and I'm going to have to do the dirty work here and actually take care of the paperwork because he won't.

He doesn't love us enough to fully leave. He loves us enough to bounce back and hurt everybody. And I'm not going to let him do that to my kids Yeah, and then he gets to choose quite honestly He gets to choose and all this stuff comes out in court. By the way, he's got a lot to lose Yeah About his drug use and his safety and he's gonna take drug tests to be around the kids and all that kind of stuff yeah, he does now and then you've got a whole other crazy world of, I mean, just the unequals with which these

things get separated, but probably a lot of your success is due to the shared childcare expenses and all that kind of stuff. And so figuring that out, just sitting down and making sure we're all honest about what this is gonna take. Yeah. But you're right, I gave it a try. A really long one. What are you talking about? You gave it a try.

I gave downhill snow skiing a try. I hated it. I went to ski school and I just went out of control down a bunny slope and I knocked over a ski instructor and he's like, what's the deal bro? And I was like, really? You think I did this on purpose? And I spent the whole day freezing on greens and then I just said, I hate this. I quit. I gave that a try.

I don't like being cold. I don't like being out of control and skings both that you gave two decades of your life. I did. And I think you have to forgive yourself. Because you've known the ending of this ride for a long time and you kept staying on and staying on and staying on and staying on. Yeah.

I did. Will you forgive yourself? Yeah, I'm trying. Can I tell you a thing that kind of sucks about forgiveness? Yeah. I haven't seen it done intellectually, successfully. Like you can't sit in a dark room and be like, and remember that old office episode when Michael Scott declares bankruptcy, he runs out in the middle of the room. He's like, I declare bankruptcy.

And they're like, that's not how that works. I've not seen people with this type of long-term hurt be successful in forgiving themselves or somebody else as an intellectual exercise. You have to go do. And often, yeah, forgiving yourself is doing the next right thing. Yeah, it's just hard. And let's just like put it all out on the table. For the next five to 10 years, unless he is just a man of extraordinary character who

just has a demon that is cocaine, you'll be the bad parent. He'll be the cool fun parent. You'll be the parent that has the rules and the guidelines and he'll be the bad parent. He'll be the cool, fun parent. You'll be the parent that has the rules and the guidelines, and he'll be the parent that's like, oh my gosh, let's go, right? And he'll have resources, and he'll have the fun, and he'll be the dad that sneaks the beers. And like, just, I mean, it's going to be the next five, 10, 15 years of tough stuff. And what you're doing is you're trying to create a world where your 25 year old son,

your 25 year old daughter can look back with their hand in yours and say, oh, now I get it. She was fighting for us the whole time. She was fighting for us the whole time. But no more daddy gets weird. You should be able to leave town, leave the country, and they be with their safest person imaginable, their dad. And he's chosen not to be that.

I hate that he left you, and I hate that he left y'all. Thanks for the call, sister. Call anytime. We'll be right back. All right, it's Organifi time. Alright so there's a lot of talk these days about the ingredients in what we're eating and what we're drinking. Conversations about food dyes and the colors and the nasty chemicals and the pesticides.

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Thank you. It's got the Norfolk, Virginia and talk to hazel. Hey hazel What's up? Hi, how you doing? I'm doing pretty good. How about you? I'm doing pretty good. I'm a little nervous, but you know, we'll get there. We'll get through it. Have you heard the show before I? I've come across a couple of your your episodes on YouTube. That's where I'm coming from I saw a couple and I kind of recognized like, okay, this is an unbiased individual. Oh, I'm super biased. That's what I'm looking for.

You seem to be able to at least logic your way through most things even if you don't agree with it. You know what? That's the nicest thing somebody said about me. I appreciate that. No, I'm biased about silly things, not about big things. All right, so let's let it rip, dude. So anyway, if you know this, if you haven't seen this show a lot, I'm not very good at this. So you have nothing to be nervous about. You're

good. We'll fumble through it together. So what's up? So how do I explain to my parents that politics is ruining our family and that they need to tone it down. How old are you? I'm 24. So I'm not that old in the grand scheme of things. Oh, I'm only asking you. Because I'm going to say the oldest sounding thing in the whole world.

And I'm sorry for saying it like this. It's something that I wish someone had told me when I was 24. And I also know I wouldn't have listened when I was 24. There's literally nothing you can do to convince them of anything. And it's one of those heartbreaking things that we learn as we grow older that people that we love do things that hurt us. And we have pictures of the way we want things to be. We want family dinners to be fun and a safe place and hilarious. And sometimes they're not. And we want our dads to love our husbands and we want our moms to love our wives.

And sometimes they don't. And we want our moms to love our wives and sometimes they don't. And we want our uncle to not drink it just is. And so I guess the thing I can tell you is there's, I'm imagining you've already had tried to have a conversation. It's, it's kind of, it's come up a few times, but nobody in our family really feels comfortable having this discussion with them because they get so aggressive about it.

Yeah. Then here's the deal. They're opting out of relationship with you. And then they turn to us and they ask us why we never call. Can you honestly say because I don't like talking about politics and that's all you want to talk about? What do they say? They, they get offended. Um,

I know, but listen, come after, like, so tell us that our beliefs are wrong and that, you know, we just don't understand yet. We don't have the experience. Um, it just kind of, it seeps into every little thing that they talk about. And it's like talking to a brick wall. I know, but you keep doing it. Actually, I cut them off a few days ago. So I would flip the language around.

Okay, because I'm not a fan of cutting people off either outside of extreme abuse. I am a fan of letting people opt out when they wanna opt out. Your parents are not interested in a relationship with you. They're interested in being right. And my experience underneath all the political jargon is people are terrified and they don't have a map for how to Work through that fear and so they grasp

with both hands so tightly And so I It's less about you cutting them off and it's more about them opting out of relationship with you and I that breaks my heart for you off and it's more about them opting out of relationship with you. And that breaks my heart for you. Because it sounds like you still want your dad, you still want your mom. Is that fair? I really do.

Actually, I said that the other day when I was crying at my sister. Yeah. I didn't think I was going to get emotional this quickly. I'm sorry. No, don't be sorry at all. It's heartbreaking. It's happening all over the country. And there's a strange, I say this with all due respect.

I heard somebody recently kind of hint around this and it rang true with me. If I'm 55 or 65, it feels like I inhabit a world that I'd no longer have a grasp on. And when everyone's talking about machines and learning and AI and like, it just feels like everything's spooling underneath us. And when your whole life has been about control, it can feel unwieldy. And so that doesn't give them like a pass to be ugly or rude or mean or demeaning. But it's a context. But there's something powerful about sitting in that exhale, like my dad doesn't want

to be in a relationship with me. He just wants to be right. Yeah. It's something that I keep almost convincing myself not to believe, you know? Yeah, I know. Especially considering how, like I mentioned before, they'll come back and they'll talk to me because I was always the kid that they put the safe label on. Yeah, but Hazel, they've been doing this to y'all for your whole life before politics.

What was it before politics? For politics, it was probably my dad's emotional well-being. I was like the service dog kid in the family. There you go. And he was the unmedicated veteran. Okay. What was before that? That was just it.

That was my whole childhood. No, but before that, was there some sort of religious dogma? Was there some sort of military dogma? Was there some sort of military dogma? Was there some sort of, this is who we are, this is how we do things? Was there some of that too? I don't know how much is relevant to the question, but there was a lot of, like in my young, young years, there was a lot of us versus them between the other side of my family. Because my dad, he's my stepdad who's officially

adopted me. So there's a whole other group there, but I don't know how much of that's relevant. Well, it's relevant. It's relevant. I'm good to talk about it. I just don't want to derail too much. No, it's not going to derail at all. It gives me kind of a GPS pin that I want to hand to you. Your pain is earned over a whole lifetime. For your whole life, you've been put in the middle of immature, emotionally unregulated

adults. Your whole life you've been put in the middle of immature, emotionally unregulated adults, and that's not a kid's job. To prop up dad, to prop up mom, to prop up the other side of the family, to get in the middle of we love you more, no we do. That's not your job. Your job is just to grow up and bang your head against boundaries and be silly and have fun and kiss, kiss, like you get what I'm saying? And so your whole life you've been told you do X, Y, and Z and that's your path to me.

Instead of the old prodigal son picture in my head, which is the kid that leaves and dad sees him from far off after he squandered everything and he goes running after him. I don't care where you've been. I don't care what you've done, I don't care anything. You're my kid. And so I don't want you to think you're crazy that it hurts so bad. It should hurt real, real, real bad. It does. And if your birth dad, did your birth dad leave? He was always checked out. He never really initiates anything.

To this day, he hasn't called me or anything. Okay. But he always makes commentary like, oh, one day you'll understand. Of course. And so can we just call this what this is? Dad number two's leaving also and blaming you for it. Dad one left. You know what?

You'll get it one day. You're too stupid to get it right now. There's nothing too stupid about your dad is supposed to fight the gates of hell for his daughter. And now you have another dad telling you, oh, you just young kid, you don't understand. Let's be honest, there is tons of geopolitical stuff you don't understand. It's not coming through on your newsfeed either, right? That's not the point.

Yeah, no. The point is, dad, who cares how you vote? Will you be my dad? And you said no. Not unless you continue in your young adulthood to jump when I say jump and think what I say think and believe what I say believe. I'm so sorry.

It's alright. Hold on, hon, it's not. You've been saying it's alright your whole life. This one's not alright. I'm just used to saying that. I know. You've been saying that your whole life. When unregulated adults act like children, scream and yell and hit and punch and leave

and then they blame you. My dad does like to blame me. He doesn't realize he does it. Okay. So can I ask you a hard hard hard question? Yeah. What are you going to do next? I don't know. You in school? I'm a trade school student. Yeah. Okay how much longer you got? Until March actually. March or May, one of the two. I've got two more, we call them months, which is like a period of five weeks.

What are you studying? BCT, Building and Construction Trades. So it's like a general kind of overview that gives you a foot in the door to get in with a company that will teach you more specialized stuff. Very cool. Can I tell you that I'm proud of you? Thank you. It's pretty awesome.

And one day you're going to be a part of building a building that my kids go inside of to learn something to get well because they've got doctors and medicine in there, or a courtroom that's going to help my kids after an injustice has been done to them. That's the hope. Actually, I want to go and volunteer with Habitat for Humanity. You will. You will. But. You will.

But don't, don't deflect for a second. I just want to say I'm proud of you. And we always talk about changing your family tree and we talk about legacy and we talk about hope, but we don't do enough justice to those conversations. We don't talk about how much it hurts sometimes. Doing the next right thing is hard and it hurts. Especially on those days you just want to pick up the phone and call your dad. The only way I've...

I go back and forth on whether or not to apologize to my mom and call her back. I would write him a letter and that way whenever they talk to you there's some sense of superiority or power or insecurity that takes over their bodies okay and so when you challenge a thought you challenge a belief or you say, hey, when y'all do this, it hurts. They instantly go to fight or flight and they come back over the top of you. And y'all have been in that dynamic since you were a little bitty kid. So let's call that what it is.

And that's a failed strategy. It doesn't work. So if we're going to try to connect, let's try one more thing. And that is a letter. And here's the beauty of a letter. If you write it with the intent to get you, I got you, it will burn everything to the ground. I would not recommend doing that.

If you write a letter that says, hey, here's a path to your daughter, to my heart, to my mind, to my spirit, and I love you guys, and here's my heart, to my mind, to my spirit, and I love you guys, and here's my boundaries. Then they can read it, get all fired up, and then they can set it down. Can I believe she wrote that? I'm going to... And then they can read it again.

And then they can read it again. And if they read it two or three times, they read it and they're not so reactive. And they begin to hear the voice of their daughter saying hey, hey, hey, hey, I don't care how you all voted. Hey, hey, hey, I don't care about your conspiracy theories or your what? I want my dad. I want my mom. And that might be the shot you got.

Is that fair? Okay, let it go. Yeah. Okay. And you can text your mom back and say, hey mom, I'm writing a letter. I'm not doing a good job of talking. And my thoughts and words get all jumbled up.

So I'm gonna write a letter and send it to you and know that I love you and dad. I love you all. And when you hit send on that letter or you put it in the mail, handwritten letters are gangster I think, but you put it in the mail and they may read it and throw it away. And that's just reality. You got to choose reality. Do what's the next right thing. Hang on the line.

I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Axious Life. It's my number one bestselling book that I wrote. It's got a whole section in there about grief just for this moment. Check out that book and it'll be my gift to you for being a legacy changer, being a family tree changer. And just make sure the relationships that you have in your life that you're going to always go running towards loved ones, not putting up walls. I wish I had a better outlook on this call, but kind of political nonsense divide going on between families is just breaking my heart.

It's happened all over the country. I hate it. I hate it. Moms and dads, this is what it sounds like when you're quote unquote right. And your kids are sitting there, even your adult kids are sitting there all by themselves. We'll be right back.

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That's join, J-O-I-N, deleteme.com slash deloney. All right, we're back. Don't forget to like or subscribe and subscribe. All the button pushy things that tells the internet we love this show. Their five star reviews, all that stuff makes such a huge difference. I wish it didn't make a difference, but it for sure does. So thank you so much for everybody who just takes a second to hit the subscribe button. Let's go to Jacksonville, Florida and talk to Pahill. What's up, Phil? Hey, Dr. John.

My question is, how can I ensure that I love and treat my stepson equally after having a biological child? Oh, man. Are you having a bio kid? Yes. Yeah, we're expect or do in early September as of now. Very cool. Congratulations, man.

How long has the journey been? I'd say about, we started IVF really about almost two and a half years ago. So it's been a process. So how many years before IVF? None, I mean, I met my wife about six years ago. We got married three years ago. And then I guess about three years, about, yeah.

So I mean, we've been trying for about three years. I have the effort two years and is finally successful. Congratulations, man. Tell me about your adopted kid. He's 10. He is great. I met him when he was four. And I mean, he is giving me no really all I've wanted in

life really be quite honest. It's a good dude I mean he's a good kid he's super caring like you know caring thoughtful funny I mean a ten year old but yeah a good kid. I have a nine-year-old she's the greatest joy of my life yeah just chaos and fun and maniac. When you listen to this call, I want you to go back and just hear, it's very nuanced, but your discussion about IVF and the way your voice lit up when you start talking about this little boy, he must be pretty special, huh? I can't even tell you.

I can hear you smiling through the phone, dude. Yeah. He's a good dude. I love him. It's amazing. Um, what have you brought to his life? Um, I mean, a dad, um, his biological father was in and out since birth.

And then, um, probably the last, I think five and a half years really, he's been out of the picture completely. So I've been, it's been me with them. I mean, you know, and my wife as well, obviously, but, um, I feel like, I mean, I've, I've been trying my best to be a father, you know, to be the dad that he deserves, cause you know, I mean, it's like every kid needs a dad, you know, deserves one, especially him. So I mean, I've been trying, you know, to just do good.

Can I salute you for that brother? I appreciate you. Thank you. Like, I mean, I've been trying, you know, to just do good. Can I salute you for that brother? I appreciate you. Thank you. Like I mean for real. Yeah. I know you fell in love with his mama, but you didn't expect this one. Did you? Not at all. I mean like, you know, like, you know, Gordon I've been, you always want to get, I always wanted a family. And I kind of was on myself, you know, like they have, it happens. And then it happens. But yeah, I mean, I'm, I'm just nervous on myself, you know, like they haven't happened and then It happened. So yeah, I mean I'm just nervous now that um, we're having a little girl with some super super super excited about

but um, I'm afraid that since she's my flesh and blood that I'm not country him the same and then Trying to just to navigate that whole set of emotions and how to approach. Yeah Everything. I guess. Well, I'm glad you're being conscientious, man. That's awesome. Yeah. I'll get into some of the nerd stuff, but I guess for whatever it's worth, my wife and

I tried for several years until we finally had our son. And then we tried for a number of years and had a lot of losses and whatnot in between before my daughter came along. I was always nervous about her coming because I could not wrap my head around loving something and someone as much as I loved my son. And I spent a lot of that last pregnancy nervous and the only way I can describe it I described it to a buddy like this once it just felt like another chamber of my heart opened up that I didn't know was there and so now it's a strange thing

that everything in our life we're told is scarce right it's finite. And love doesn't work that way. It just expands in such a wild way, man. I wish I could wrap my fingers around it and package it and sell it because I'd be a trillionaire. It just does. It just does, man. It just opens up. So there is some data that goes both ways and so whenever that happens, meaning there's no difference between adopted kids and bio kids and then yes, sometimes there's a little

bit of an unbiased shift towards the nerd, they call it resource allocation, right? You might say like, well, no, my kid's going to drive this car or my kid's going to put this much in their college fund kind of thing. Um, but when I get conflicting studies like that, I tend right, wrong or different. I tend to kind of just throw them out and look at the, look at the dad who's, who's about to have his life, um, double and blessing. Yeah. And so I would talk about a couple of things.

One, you know this more than anybody listening. Love is a choice you make. And you've chosen to lean in and love this little boy, like his own dad. You've become his dad. Did you adopt him formally? Not yet. We're in the process. I mean, we actually got the paperwork last week, but we're in the process of doing it. Amazing. Amazing. I would begin ASAP referring to your

wife's pregnancy as his baby. It's a little hack I learned from one of my mental health professors in grad school. She said, just try this. It was magic in my house. It gave them ownership. So we got to avoid, because you're going to have a big age gap. It avoided the, yeah, what about me and the new kid syndrome, right? Like the superstar syndrome. And it became, oh, it's my kid.

I get to help. Your brother brother your your sister your kid and Whatever the kids are so desperate for ownership in places where they feel powerless. And so man, that'd be a great gift I would have honest conversations with your wife about resources Yeah, how much we're gonna put in college funds how much we're gonna put for save for cars and just be aligned with your finances and Then put some things on the calendar, probably as you already do. I'll continue to do my weekly breakfast with my son. I'm going to continue to coach his soccer team, whatever things that you do, right? Those things aren't going to stop.

And don't beat yourself up if you hold your daughter and your soul melts you know to me yeah and also don't beat yourself up if you hold your daughter and you don't feel anything yeah I'm scared about that one too I mean I've heard no I mean just I mean not postpartum depression obviously but I mean like just I'm also nervous about having a baby and then being let down, I guess. Yeah, because she won't give a crap about you. Not even the slightest bit, but you are building her nervous system in her brain

every time you hold her. Every time she feels peace and warmth. Every time her big brother holds her. And we're going to teach that boy about loving a sister and protecting a sister and the things that big brothers do for their sisters. And it's going to continue to be a part of the laboratory that he's grown up in, in the world that he's grown up in. So I want to honor your fear on this end.

I want to tell you on the back end with some limited practices and you just keep showing up and being you, a guy who loves almost recklessly. Man, you're going to be great. You're going to be a great dad. I appreciate it. And I wish I'd done this. I would go to the store and buy a little journal and start writing your daughter-to-be notes. I would also get a journal and write your son notes and begin that practice.

Yeah. So that when they're both 18, they're going to have years of nerdy little dadisms from Phil and love notes and I'm crazy about you notes and maybe even some fears in there. I think that'd be a pretty magical thing. I like that idea. But I think you're on the path, brother. I got you. I appreciate it.

Thank you. Cool. Now, if you get into it and you screw it all up, call me back. Hopefully, I'll still be employed here, but I think you're going to be good to go, man. I appreciate it. Thank you for the insight. You got it, man. I know this isn't for everybody, but having a daughter is one of the greatest things

that ever happened to me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I knew we were able to, you know, choose the gender with the embryo and whatnot. We want to, you know, just have to be whichever one. So crazy. It's like video games now, man.

It really is. Yeah. And then, um, and I mean, I haven't done my wife that, you know, boy, I want a girl, but deep down inside, I mean, I always wanted to be a girl dad, and I could have, I cried for way too long whenever we got the call that it was successful for one, and then I would have a little girl.

I mean, I'm pumped. Dude, your kids are gonna have a dad who knows how to call his emotions out, man. They won the lottery. his emotions out, man. They won the lottery. That's amazing, dude. No, love deeply and love recklessly. And I think the meta message for both your kids is no matter what, you can always come

home. Yeah. And I would also give your 10 year old some grace. I expect him to kind of be all over the place for a while Mm-hmm. Yes things you know what I mean? Like as a new kid interrupts his little his little safety nest and as he figures out he gets old enough to realize You know my other dad left and but this guy's amazing But you're not like dad and all of that just chaos that comes with adopted teens I

Don't know they also know how to love in a way that is pretty profound and powerful. So you got on quite the ride, my brother. And again, I want to honor you. It's amazing that you did that. There's a lot of kids out there that need good dads. And your daughter, man, you can look at both of your kids and say, no, no, no, no, no, I chose you. Usually you can only do that with adoption,

but with the video game world we have now, you get to choose your daughter too. It's amazing, my brother. It's been an honor talking to you, Phil. Blessings to you. Send us a note when she's born healthy, and we'll all shout you out here on the show. Take care, we'll be right back.

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Go check them out. All right. We are back. We have an, am I the problem? Not the original am I the problem? Because Kelly's not here. So Taylor's filling in and her dad watches the show. So we'll save that the good one for the next time.

All right. So what's, which one you got Taylor? It's still a good, am I the problem? It's still good. All right. Well, this one is my husband and I have been married for 14 years. His family never includes me in any announcements, engagements, pregnancies, births, et cetera. They only tell my husband.

He asked them to include me and I've expressed desires for that to happen, but they still don't. Not only that, when I tell them our big news, pregnancy after multiple miscarriages, they don't respond. When we're together in person, things are fine, but we all live in different states and rarely see each other. I constantly feel like an outsider only catching bits of everyone's lives through my husband, who isn't the best communicator? Am I the problem for wanting to belong?" No, not at all. And your family's the worst. And so where I'd say it's your problem is you continue showing up to the tiger cage and putting your hand through the fence and getting bit and getting mad at the tiger. A tiger is going to be where the tiger is.

And so no, you're not the problem for wanting to be included. And you've done an amazing job of being upfront about it. So like your husband's even said, Hey, this is ridiculous. This is my wife center on the text chain too. And his family is immature toddlers. They're like, we don't like her. We only talk to him, whatever they're doing. And so yeah, no, it's not your it's not your problem at all It's not by your hand, but it's in your lap Your choice is I'm gonna stop expecting a tiger to not have stripes I'm gonna just it's not biting you and I put my hand through the fence. I'm gonna quit put my hand to the fence and

That means I'm not gonna try to live my life through their life If they don't want me in it, I'm going to message received, I'm going to go make a life elsewhere. By the way, your husband's going to need to be on board with that because his family's made it very clear they don't want you in their life. As for me and my house, if my family did that, my family has made it very clear that if me and my wife ever separated, they are team her all the way. All the way. Um, yeah, i'd be going to live at ben's and ben's

In his gaming room or whatever. I don't know. It's gonna be a great time man. We would party But you're gonna have to teach me how the dwarfs of gondor fight the elves of whatever dragon thing I'll teach you Oh man, but yeah, I mean, I mean, a cow can't be a horse, right? It just can't be. And so that's what we got going on here. She wants her family to be something that's not. And for what, 15 years, she say?

14 years. Yeah, it's not going to happen. And so I'm gonna go Find family somewhere else which is heartbreaking to say out loud but it is what it is what it is. That's done, right? Definitely they kind of suck. They should respond And they don't hey that's kind of the theme of this show I'm gonna start a new thing right now. May only be one time. It's called The Wrap-Up. Parents, stop being so immature with your adult kids.

My God, who cares how they vote? Who cares what books they read? Include them in things. Call your kids and say, I'm sorry for letting all this nonsense get in the way of loving you and the person you choose to love as well stop I'm watching families everywhere melt and just right in front of me because of this kind of petty ego nonsense stop we need each other now

more than ever I love you guys. Bye.