The Dr. John Delony Show - Is It Time To Introduce My Kids to the Person I Am Dating?

Episode Date: May 5, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A man wondering how to introduce his new girlfriend to his children - A woman realizing she’s still dealing with trauma from being at the Boston Marathon bombing - How to find peace when the world is on fire Lyrics of the Day: "Sweet Caroline" - Neil Diamond Enter the Ramsey Cash Giveaway here Shop the $10 Sale here Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. By the way, the news stations do not care about you. They want your clicks and they want your attention. They want you to keep spending your money. They don't care about you. Politicians don't care about you. They want to keep their jobs and their power to keep on spending your money. That is it.

Hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show, show about mental health and parenting and marriage and dating, whatever's going on in your world. Things have fallen apart. You show up here and I'll sit with you. I'll bring some nachos. I'll bring a drink and we'll figure out what to do next. Here's what this show is for. This show is for folks who want to see inside somebody else's life so that they can use what's going on in somebody else's story and apply it to their own life. This show is real callers, real people going through real junk in their lives.

And my commitment, I don't always know the answer. Sometimes I'm on the phone calling experts all across the country for their insights and wisdom. But my promise is I'm going to sit down, I'm going to tell the truth the best I know it. And if I don't know, I'm going to say, I don't know. But we've got to do life a different way. We just have to.

I mean, I was more convicted this weekend. We had a group of people over at our house for Easter celebration, and it was just a group of incredible misfits. It was so great. All these different families from all these different places, from all over wherever,

who landed at our house out in the woods, and this reminded me, there's another way. There's another way. So that's what this show is for, is giving you some insights. And we have brave callers from all over the world calling into the show, asking about what's going on in their life.

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with it with the link to it or shooting an email with the link to it um please hit the subscription um and or go to itunes or youtube wherever you're consuming this thing and hit the thumbs up button or the subscription however it works on the on whatever internet platform you're using super super grateful for you all right let's go out to Sean in Richmond, Virginia. What's up, Sean? Hey, Dr. John, how are you? Partying, man. What are you up to? Oh man. Um, just fanboying right now. Um, I am fanboying too. I'm fanboying too. What's up, man? I'm, uh, uh, so I'm been using your, your cards for humans, uh, to better build my relationship with my kids. How's that working?

My six-year-old. Oh, it's great. My six-year-old is coming to me now asking what's the best part of my day and what's the most challenging part of my day. Wow. That's incredible, man. Good for you. Yeah. So my question is, how do I best integrate my kids into another family of kids?

I live in one of these awesome states that make you stay separated for 12 months before finalizing divorce. God knows how long, how much longer later after that. Did your attorney tell you why they do that? No. I need to ask a buddy of mine who's a legal scholar. I can't think of a dumber law. That's not true. We've got plenty of dumb laws, and I'm in Tennessee, so we're trying to just like hold my beer.

I can make an even dumber one, but I just don't understand that at all. I just don't understand it at all. But okay, so 12 months. Okay, so is your divorce not finalized yet? Not yet. Um, are you already dating? I,

I'm not dating. Uh, but I do have someone that I am very, you know, curious to see what's going to happen once the divorce is final. It's kind of, you're kind of like a middle school, like we're not going out.

We just like make out. It's cool. Facebook official. Exactly. Oh, like make out. It's cool. Facebook official. Exactly. Oh, geez. Okay. So, um, tell me what happened with your, with your marriage. Um, it was one of those where, uh, honestly it was a lack of communication on both ends.

Um, I was growing one way and she was growing another way and our picture of our future changed individually and we never really sat down to repaint that picture. Um, so it just kind of fell apart from there and I tried to do what I could to help better myself, to be a better husband, better father. Um, and yeah, she just wasn't, uh, wasn't into it. So, um, I want to do marriage counseling and, uh, she did not. And that kind of told me everything I needed to know there. Who ultimately filed on who? Um, we both sat down and said, you know, we just need to end it and both agreed. Okay. Um, so we're, how many months ago was, was the final,

y'all sat in a room and said, this is, let's just be, let's be done. Uh, about 10 months ago. Okay. And then how long before that, how many years has it been pretty chaotic and frustrating? Probably two to three years beforehand. Okay. And then how old are your kids? 11 and six. Okay.

And so the person that you're not, you're not Facebook official yet. You're just like, um, uh, tell me about them. Uh, she has three kids, um, ages five, 12 and 15. Um, she's a freaking superhero in my book. She's raised those kids by herself. She's an ER nurse. So she lives in chaos and she still finds ways to smile and laugh every single day. Okay. So tell me your question um what like best practices for uh introducing and kind of integrating the kids together okay um so there's a couple of big rocks here and then i'll i'll i'll let you speak into some of it um one of the big rocks is just to hold in your back pocket is don't ever introduce somebody to your kids that you don't see a long-term connected future with. Right. There's this, there's kind of an,

there's an idea floating around out there that I hear a lot, which is I need to, I need to show my kids that I'm moving on past this hurt and that I'm out dating again. I want to, I want to provide a good picture of what dating looks like. Kids are desperate for one word in this season, stability. Stability, stability, stability. So before you bring somebody else in, establish some routines on this is how life is going to go. And let there be some smoke clearing on. Let those kids know this is their new life. And then six months down the road,

a year down the road, when you're convinced that this woman's a rock star and she's going to be your next whatever. And you thought communication was hard last time. Now let's marry somebody who's an ER trauma nurse with three kids. One of which will be driving by then. Let's do that. So we're going to have established great communication. And then you're going to circle back and slow.

So that's number one is let there be some space. Make sure this person is like, no, no, I see a legitimate future here. The second thing is the stability as I talked about. and by the way that doesn't mean normalcy there is no normal like the kid for the kids it's just it's chaos so we're going to provide some stability we're going to have some routines we're going to have some this is the way this is um and i think it's important for you you've been ready for this for years, right? And right now, this woman that you're talking to may have been talking to,

how long have you been talking to her? For two years, three years, 10 months? We've known each other for about 10 years. Okay. So she's not a stranger. She's someone that I do trust very much and I know her very well. When did you have feelings for her? Ooh.

And be honest. Probably about three months ago. Okay. That was the first time you've been like, maybe. Yeah, yeah. After 10 years? Come on, Sean. Yeah.

I mean, we, uh, we've always been like good friends, had a really good connection from the beginning. Um, and yeah, it's just kind of one of those things where it's like, yeah, this is what I, what I've been missing. Okay. I can't emphasize this enough that as good as it feels to finally have what feels like in your life um like a partner someone on the same team someone who laughs at the same things you laugh at whatever you have to wrap your head around the fact that this is still very much a fantasy it's still very much a because it's not. So you've established three or four big rocks

that aren't what you had. And she happens to have those three or four rocks and the challenges or the fantasy part is there's three or four of the rocks that you had with your ex that you don't even realize that this new person doesn't have. And so it's not a matter of,

I finally found what I'm looking for as great U2 song says. It's not that. It is, I, finally deciding that I can live with these and i'm gonna i'm going to honor these right? It's it's it's not going to be an even trade like you think it is right now And that's the importance of just slow playing it because you're still You're still so happy to be out of one And oh my gosh, she thinks I'm funny. My ex-wife didn't think I was funny at all.

So that was annoying, right? And then I think, dude, this is super important. Often, often, often, often kids, when they are being introduced to mom or dad's new boyfriend or girlfriend, they feel a sense of disloyalty to their birth parents on the other side as though if i accept dad's new girlfriend i'm betraying mom and if you and your ex were able to sit down and be super transparent with one another probably in a way that if you had been it would have saved your marriage originally and say, you're going to date again. I'm going to date again. We have to be in

communication because your wife may bring home some scumbag that you don't want around your kids. That's number one and vice versa. And number two, you need your ex to say to your kids when they come home and say, dad's got a girlfriend, that her first first words are i'm so glad dad's happy not tell me about her because there's going to be that that seed plan does that make sense yes if that can't happen and it can't happen in most divorces because again if people were that much adults they could have dealt with this way up upstream um you just have to be prepared for that and then when it comes to like actually joining up, and you're talking about your two kids suddenly being outnumbered in their own house. And so I would definitely,

if y'all decide one day we're going to get married, we're going to lock this thing up, that you would get some professional counseling to help integrate. Here's what this new family is going to look like. We get to create this sucker. Kids, mom, dad, everybody. We're going to create what this thing looks like. One of the kids is going to hate everything about it and try to torpedo the whole thing. Two of them are just going to

go along with it just because they are so desperate for peace. Two are going to check out. So we're going to begin to spot each one of these kids and how we can best love them because it's going to be different for each one of them, but we're going to need a professional for that. And that's just a part of moving forward. I just wouldn't do it without that. I totally agree. So I'm telling you these things. Tell me what you're thinking. Are you going, okay, cool, that's easy, dude.

Or, oh, geez, I need to think this through. No, I think it sounds really great. I didn't think about the professional counseling part, and I think it's like really great. I didn't think about the professional counseling part and I think it's going to be huge. And I know my oldest, he even told me he can't wait until I have a girlfriend so he can tease me for having a girlfriend because I tease him for having a girlfriend.

And do know this, children in the situation like your kids are in, they will use very grown-up words. They will nuzzle up to one or both of you. This is an excruciatingly painful situation for kids. And so even when 11-year 11 year olds making jokes like that that 11 year old is um desperately trying to make sure y'all's relationship is okay does that make you see what i'm saying yeah absolutely and so any any any um dysregulation

from kids i'm going to give them a really gracious pass for a while because their whole world has exploded. And they're going to the mirror every day saying, what did I do? What could I have done? What could I have done? What could I have done? There's something that kids experience

called the reconciliation fantasy that is really hard, especially if you decide you're getting engaged or getting married. There's always this lingering sense in the back of their mind that one day mom and dad will get back together. And there's a, there's another grief that they experience after the initial breakup. When it becomes serious,

when, when mom finally says, Hey, I'm getting married. Then it becomes this, Oh, this is forever. Right. Kids don't have that. That's that. They don't have that, um, I'm getting married. Then it becomes this, oh, this is forever, right?

Kids don't have that. They don't have that sense of time yet. So all I have to say is this. It's going to be really rocky. As smooth as you think it is right now, it's going to be rocky. And that's okay. It's just keeping space for it to be very complicated. I did end up buying

those two books that you recommended a while ago about the two households and how mom and dad still love you guys, that kind of stuff. I've read that to them several times and both me and their mom are constantly telling them

that this was an adult decision. It had nothing to do with you guys. Um, we both love you guys very, very much. Um, it's just honestly, excuse me, something, uh, that we felt was right that is going to be better for them in the long run as well. I would give them an opportunity to say words out of their own mouth.

Sometimes when we get around our kids, we'll say things like, hey, this is on us. We did this and we explain stuff. Kids feel stuff. Adults talk, kids feel. And so I would, whether that is once a week to with your five-year-old to get down, literally lay down on your stomach, on your belly and y'all, he or she lays down and y'all are making eye contact. Maybe you're coloring and say, hey, I want to hear from your heart. Tell me what you're sad about with us getting a divorce. Let them use their words. Ask that 11-year-old, like, what have you, it's been a few months. Tell me about what you're sad about. And let them just talk. And they may say nothing, nothing. And you can say, I'm sad. It's not a few months. Tell me about what you're sad about. And let them just talk. And they may say nothing, nothing.

And you can say, I'm sad. It's not what I thought was going to be going in. I'm sad about it. And they need to know that sometimes I'm sad and sometimes I'm going to do something different. And that those two things aren't linked. But you see what I'm saying? But let's give them an opportunity to not just hear, hear, hear explanations from adults,

but that their feelings are important too. And they get to speak out loud because they're going to tell you things that are going to stun you. And they have levels of insight that often my daughter, after the shooting here in Nashville recently, she's seven. And she explained some things to me that I was absolutely floored that she knew. And I do this for a living, right? I was stunned that she knew some of the things that she knew. So all I have to say is give them a space to talk about it. It's just going to be tough for them.

Okay. Cool? Cool. All right. Whenever you decide y'all are going to get married and be all, ew, ew, call in because I want to talk to both of you. I think that would make for a very fun phone call. That would be fantastic.

Thanks for calling, Sean. I'm really grateful for you. Everybody, we'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt

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You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Grace in Austin, Texas.

What's up, Grace, in the 512? How we doing? Hi, how are you? I'm good. Good to talk to you. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Grace in Austin, Texas. What's up, Grace in the 512? How we doing? Hi, how are you? I'm good. It's great to talk to you. Things okay? Yeah, it's a beautiful day. Excellent. Yeah, it is stunning out here in Nashville today. I'm glad that y'all need a beautiful day. Yeah, I know. Hey, so what's up? How can I help? Okay, so my question is, how do I release or let go of this perhaps unreasonable bitterness that I have against my family, my parents specifically? And I know that's a super broad question,

so I can explain it if you want. Can I just start guessing things? Just kidding. Yes, of course. Explain it. Okay. So 10 years ago, I was at the Boston Marathon bombing. Oh, my gosh.

In 2013. Yeah, I guess it is. 10 years. Okay. Yeah, 10 years. It's crazy. Wow. What were you doing there?

Oh, I was cheering on my mom. She was racing. Oh, my gosh yeah um and like I was at the finish line and thankfully like didn't die yeah for real hey can we just park on that sentence that's an important sentence okay yeah have you internalized that over the last 10 years uh yeah i think so i i think i've taken it and i've like i've done good with that with that gratefulness that i have okay um it's a it's a weird thing because um you know no one thinks when they're in like in middle school that they're just gonna go to a sporting event and possibly like die but no did you did you see things or did you hear things or did you happen

to leave before yeah tell me what you saw like uh i've never actually like told anyone okay okay then i'm gonna stop you there because i don't want to be the first person in this in this context you knew that somebody um up close but okay and so keep keep going here so yeah i mean i saw all the things that like the the news showed or wasn't allowed to show honestly yeah um but anyway i over the last 10 years have done a lot of like work to get rid of or try my best to get rid of like the um physical posttraumatic symptoms, I guess you could say. A lot of stuff started to present itself like in the spring, which was kind of weird, like a lack of sleep and all that. And all that was to be expected and we were warned.

But I guess like 10 years later, I'm realizing that there's a lot of bitterness I still have for the way that my family like dealt with, um, the situation afterwards. I did get, I did get sent to a counselor because I was honest with my family about like what I saw and like when everyone was telling us not to look in one direction, we were running away. Like I was curious. So I looked and, um, anyway, uh, so I went to a counselor, but in my head, like growing up, I had heard over and over that, like, that was weak or maybe I hadn't heard it, but I had internalized that, um, that you go to a counselor if you have a problem. And I didn't think that I had a problem. Like I, I just thought I would be able to move on. Um, and so I, I didn't really like talk to anyone about it.

I just, now I'm realizing that I shoved it down. And I just, I guess, I'm now dealing with it 10 years later. So it doesn't really go away, but. What did your mom and dad do that you're still so bitter? Your family. I think it's what they didn't do. Okay. Tell me about that.

So there was a lack of conversations about it. Like we turned to humor in my family, which is really nice in the moment. But I think long-term it has done some damage and it's created some coping mechanisms in me that like I just blame on them and I just need to take some like personal responsibility for them because now I'm in my 20s and I want to tell me what change that give me two things you've done as coping mechanisms um I never talk about it and then when I do I only talk about it in like trying to find a purpose in the bombing

like I'm just so obsessed just finding the good in it I guess um um tell me though what are some coping behaviors oh okay are you restrictive with what you eat are you um yeah I was just about to say that yeah Yeah, I developed like a really horrible eating disorder. Okay. And then I also just like turned to success

as like my fuel, I guess. Yeah. And sorry, I'm teetering on gears. I'm really trying to stay away from this. And I'm really... If you were with me and you could feel safe,

I would push you a little bit further. But since we're on the phone, you're sitting by yourself and you can hear me, but your body can't feel this room right now. Okay. So I'm, I am intentionally stopping one or two, two questions short. Okay. But I know that you can feel that i'm stopping too yeah i can yeah because yeah so and here's i want you to hear me say this um and this is both a disarming thing and this is also a frustrating thing for you the fact that i

immediately picked this isn't written down anywhere. To my knowledge, you didn't put this in your entry. I didn't even read your letter that you sent. I just have a little clip. The fact that I picked disordered eating out of thin air, I want you to know this isn't the, you're on a long line of people who've suffered awful things. Yeah.

And did not have people around that would listen to you. Right. And left you to swim in the middle of the ocean by yourself. And what's super frustrating is they all look like they were swimming just fine right next to you. Yeah. And they weren't. They're not. They're not either, Grace.

They're not. Yeah. But they look like they were. And they weren't. They're not. They're not either, Grace. They're not. Yeah. But they look like they were. The craziest thing is I just look around me and like a few other people in my family like were there. And I just, I look at them and I'm like jealous almost of. It's a mirage. It's a mirage. It's a mirage.

It's a mirage. And good for you that you got addicted to success and not something else. Fair? Right. Yeah. Definitely fair. Yeah. So what's going on now, 10 years later?

Is it media coverage? Is it, what is bringing this up now? Well, my parents did a good job of covering, shielding us from the media. They didn't want us to get obsessed with it because they did hear that sometimes people do turn to it and just get obsessed with the story i'm going to tell you they did the best they could with the info they had and what they did was absolutely backwards yeah completely backwards okay completely backwards okay um but we we can talk through that in a second um yeah or um now go ahead sorry um i was just gonna say that now i um actually qualified for the running it in a week so i just i kind of like i just wanted something to be like

mine out of this you know yeah um, yeah. And, yeah. I just, I'm setting my expectations, like, moderate because who knows? But I'm just excited that I have the opportunity to go, you know, and, like, hope to make it good this time. It's okay, Grace. No one's ever told you this. It is okay to be terrified out of your mind. And it's okay to be so scared

that the day before you get on that plane, you don't go. And it's also okay to go and to run not your best time, but to finish in a act of defiance so profound that few people will ever understand what you've done. Yeah, that's how it feels. It feels like I'm, like, it feels like a victory already, I guess. Yeah, it is. I think the reason why I, like, really wanted to just, like, talk to someone about it is because

not all aspects of the last 10 years feel victorious at all you know and i expected like 10 years later like why can't this be like done you know because because here's the deal you you haven't dealt with it yeah i just don't know how i really know where to start i know and you don't have a picture of what that looks like in your house. I'm heartbroken for you. So can I use a recent tragedy in my neighborhood to talk through how I dealt with it with my little kids? So I'm in Nashville. So we just had that shooting where that person went inside and shot kids inside of a little Christian school, right?

My seven-year-old and my 13-year-old my seven-year-old we laid down on our tummies on our stomachs on our trampoline outside and i asked her to tell me what she knew and what she'd heard and she wasn't at the school she was down down the road, but that was going to be the school. That was her feeder school from her pre-K. And so she's had people. So I asked her to tell me everything she knew about whatever she knew. And then I asked her to tell me about her feelings. And she said she was scared, but she knew what to do. And then she explained a few things to me on active shooter training that I learned in a SWAT operation. And then I wept because I thought my seven-year-old should not freaking know this. But I didn't hide it from her.

I let her see me. See what I'm saying? See how different it is? Yeah. Now, I didn't let her watch the news because she's seven. Mm-hmm. but there's a difference between trying to shield somebody and to age appropriately let them feel and see what grief looks like and one step further i've shown up to scenes and i have things in my mind that will be there for the rest of my life just like you right right yeah

the only difference is most of mine not all but, but most of them, I was an adult. You were a child. And so your body has stamped that. Yeah. And no adult came to rescue you. No. Yeah. I mean, they tried.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Sorry.

You have to stop defending them. You've been defending them your whole life. You have to stop defending them You've been defending them your whole life You have to stop It's not your job Like I understand that I just I think my problem with it is Putting myself in their shoes like There's no textbook for that No no no no exactly

Here let me say this We're not going to Blame them as though there's some retribution or some like declaration of war. But we're also going to hold in the other hand. So we're not hating. We're not going to war, but we're going to hold in the other hand. I was 10. And somebody that I know and that I love should have hugged me and said, you saw horrible things. Tell me about it. You weren't safe then, but you're safe now. I'm going to go to counseling with you because I'm scared.

And when they noticed that their teenage daughter was skipping meals and losing weight, that they would say, hey, I'm going to come with you. I'm stopping all of our plans that we're running to. You see what I'm saying? And so there is in one hand, no, we're not going to beat somebody up because they were dealing with their own trauma. I get that. And there was another way they could have dealt with it.

And you have to own both. Yeah. Okay. Both things are true. You can still love, love, love them because they did the best they could with what they had, with the tools they had in their toolkit. And as a kid, you needed more. Right. Okay. And so now here we are, we're left with, you're in your twenties. Yep. And what am I going to do now? Right. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like it's like the forgotten thing. Um,

like none of my friends really remember. Um, I just feel like it's very niche and I have no one to like relate to about it. Um, not that I want a relatable problem, I guess. No, you need someone to talk to. So I'll tell you, the actual thing that happened is niche. The actual thing. But trauma is not

niche at all. It's not. And so I'm going to give you a couple of standard lines that are important grief demands a witness you have to say the words out loud of what you experienced and what you went through not with me but with somebody you care and trust and if that's a new counselor that's a new counselor if that's your mom and dad that's your mom and dad if that's your sister that's a new counselor. If that's your mom and dad, that's your mom and dad. If that's your sister, that's your sister.

But you have, you can no longer try to keep all of this bound and trapped in your body because you're trying to protect everybody around you. Because when you're 10, you've got this weird sense in your soul

that you didn't protect somebody. That you did something wrong. That you didn't do enough. Funny you say that because I've actually had this guilt for a while that I ran away. I know. I know. Grace,

you were 10. Yeah. If you ran up on a 10 year old right now who was trying to help, what would you tell them to do? Um, like find cover. Get out of here. Yes. yes yeah because you're 10 right yeah it's unreasonable um i know but the body does what it does to keep us safe right right

so now there's some there's some pretty clear research that says um it's just been my personal experience too that just sitting down and hauling off and just Now there's some pretty clear research that says, and just been my personal experience too, that just sitting down and hauling off and just saying, here's everything from start to finish about my trauma can actually re-traumatize your body in a weird way. So the first thing you're going to do is you're going to get with somebody who's a trauma specialist

and you are going to, they're going to, it's called seeking safety. You're going to get with somebody who's a trauma specialist and you are going to they're going to it's called seeking safety you're going to find a you're going to teach your body ways to slowly slowly enter some of these uh thoughts and memories and not get overwhelmed by them okay okay and it's it's it's the same as before you run the boston marathon you got to run two miles it's that and you're there's it's actually pretty it's it's a same as before you run the Boston marathon, you got to run two miles. It's that. And there's, it's, it's actually pretty, it's, it's a pretty standard series of,

we're going to meet for three or four times and practice a couple of ways to slow our bodies down when it starts to gear up. And there's going to be a couple of sessions that are in hell. There's going to be a couple of sessions. And how do we make light of this new world? How do we go make meaning of all this? Right. You're trying to make meaning. You're trying to be a couple of sessions in how do we make light of this new world? How do we go make meaning of all this? Right. But you're trying to make meaning.

You're trying to, here's what you've done in such a beautifully eloquent way. You have laid all the ingredients out for an incredible Texas catfish dinner. And you've got all the people at your house, and you've got all the lines and bait, you just haven't gone fishing yet. Okay? So you're trying to make meaning of something that you haven't fully processed yet.

You're holding a 10-year-old accountable for her actions when the adults in the world around her left her trying to figure out what to do next because they, they were too busy trying to survive too. Okay. And now you're doing an incredibly brave thing by going back to ground zero and saying, I won't be conquered by this.

This will be a monumental moment for you. If you don't go through with it or if you do, but here's the thing. It's not Rocky IV. Like this isn't going to be the, it's not going to heal you. It's not, everything's not going to be roses and butterflies after this.

Yeah. But it will. That's what I realized. Go ahead and do what? I was just going to say, that's what I realized from like training for this. And like the reality is the fact that like what's going on inside my head hasn't changed. Like, yeah, I'm ready and I'm fit

and I'm good to run this marathon. And I'm excited, but I was like, oh wait, I'm actually not feeling better. Wait, nothing's changed. And like, I say this all the time when I'm talking to like business owners and it sounds trite and cheesy. You get to see it in as close up as possible, which is achievement never heals you. Nope. Right. And you are about

to do the ultimate achievement, the ultimate display of bravery and, um, middle fingers to your trauma. And it's still, you're going to cross that finish line and you're going to be so thankful. And then you are still going to look to your right and left. Yep. Right. You're still going to look to your right or left. Yep. Don't let that stop you. Cause this will be,

this can be a unbelievably powerful platform from which to jump off of to go get well. Yeah. But at some point, you're going to find yourself sitting in a circle there in Austin with a couple of other survivors of things. And you're going to find out you'll have very different stories but very similar lives. And you're going to have achieved and accomplished and sought control over and for the first time you're going to feel safe enough after a couple of sessions

with a professional maybe more than a couple you're going to feel safe enough to finally open your hands and let go and then in the safety of those people who've been there to hell and back or just to different coasts you're going to find solid ground for the first time since you were 10 or 11

you'll have bouts of anger with your parents, you're going to have bouts of since you were 10 or 11. You'll have bouts of anger with your parents. You're going to have bouts of great peace and forgiveness with your family, all the things. I'll be so, so, I am, I'm just blown away by how proud I am of you. You are stronger than most of us will ever, ever know. So go run your race. And if you get close to it and you just can't, awesome, you got this far. I will high five you all the way.

But if you go through it and you finish the race, finish it. Then you go home and you exhale. Then you look in the mirror and you can say, all right, Grace, now it's time. You're going to make that phone call and you're going to sit down with somebody and say, I need to talk about some things I saw when I was 10 because they still haunt me now. And I need some help teaching my body that I wasn't okay then, but I'm okay now. I wasn't safe then, but I'm safe now. And then we'll be about making meaning. So proud of you, Grace.

Let me know. Shoot me a note when you finish, when you cross that finish line. Or if you decide to not run, whatever you decide to do, let me know. We'll be right back. All right, we are back. It's time for Facts. Are you friends? Let's do it.

The official song of NASCAR. Is it? No. All right, we're going to give you, today I'm going to give you four steps on what to do when the whole world has lost its mind and you find yourself just barely hanging on. We had another segment to discuss today, and I got up super early this morning just spinning, spinning, spinning, spinning. So I sat down and said, I'm going to put all this on paper here.

There's so much, and I'm just thinking about my neighborhood so much here in nashville um everybody's still healing everybody's still yelling the politicians in the city have just i don't i don't have the words for it just lost their minds just lost their mind everybody's just bananas um politics across the country i don't care who you are. If you stop for a second and turn the radio off, turn the TV off, and you just roll your window down and you're driving down the road, you're being honest. Both parties are insane. Insane. It's madness. I was with some folks who are close friends of mine who are different politically this weekend on both sides of the aisle. The most common refrain was, I don't know who my party is anymore.

They're insane. You're just regular old neighbors, regular good folks. I see tons of cowardice and frightened and fear in my neighbors and my friends and across the country. I'm going to be real honest with you. This is just me being vulnerable. Seems cowardice when I look in the mirror. I've seen fear when I look in the mirror. Just, I got two little kids, man. I brought them into this mess. And I'm not just talking about Nashville. I'm talking about politics across the country i'm talking about uh all the chaos and you step back and you hear about like china's moves to replace the dollar and shifting global priorities you can Ukraine wars

on and on and on and then at home we've got kids and grades and inflation it's too expensive to move but i don't have enough money in my current job, all of it. And if we're honest, we're trying to do two things. One of two things, I mean, we're either going to double down on what we know and just try to do whatever we were already doing faster or with more force, more aggressively, right? Or more recklessly, which by the way, that's insanity. It's madness to keep doing the same thing just faster and harder When you get stuck whenever you find yourself in your in your tires are in mud Just jamming on the gas just digs a huge hole that you for sure are going to get out of now

And that's what we're doing with our lives we're just getting angrier, more frustrated and going and going and going and going and yelling and frazzled, or we're just checking out. We're done. I'm out. I'm going to have one more drink and one more drink. I'm going to watch one more Netflix episode. I'm going to get super excited about the next series. I'm going to spend all my time talking about the next series and the next series because I've outsourced my lives. I'm done living them. So I'm just going to let Ted Lasso, I'm going to let him live life for me. I'm just going to let Office reruns that I've already watched 700 times, I'm going to let them have friendships and romance and joy and laughter and work hijinks because I'm done with my life. I've just cashed out. Think of it like being in an aquarium. You're in an aquarium and there's water pouring in and there's water, the water level is rising.

Okay. We have voices on the right telling us we need to suck it up and just learn how to swim. We have voices on the left just wanting to focus on the stories about who's dumping the water. And we have voices telling us from above that we need to build a better and new foundation at the bottom of this aquarium and we have voices below us telling us this is the way it's always been and we're trapped and it's all coming down and i want us just to look around these narratives aren't working even if there's truth in each one of them it's not helping people it's not and i want to propose something new. Let's just get out of the aquarium. Let's just get out. Just be done with it. Not worry about swimming or build. Let's

just get out. Because what you need right now is not another new diet, another scam, not another scroll in the news media By the way, the news stations do not care about you. They want your clicks and they want your attention They want you to keep spending your money. They don't care about you Politicians don't care about you. They want to keep their jobs and their power to keep on spending your money. That is it That's it So, what do we do to keep on spending your money. That is it. That's it. So what do we do?

I'm going to give you four steps on what do you do when you feel out of control. Some of these are short-term, like you can do them right now. Some of these are going to be long-term. It might take you one, two, several years, okay? But there's clear research that when somebody finally gets the courage to call a counselor, they actually start feeling better When somebody gets an actual plan in front of them and they say this plan works and there's a line of people Who've done that plan and say hey this this one works

That you actually stand taller you feel better Being on a path having a direction is key, even if you're not all the way there, even if you're just starting. And by the way, these things aren't great and they are not fun. In fact, initially, they are not awesome. They're going to feel terrible. Some of these are going to feel terrible. You're going to feel guilty. You're going to say things like, I can't, or I don't know how. Here's what's beautiful about them. I'm not giving you some hack. I'm not running up a gimmick. I'm just telling you the truth

like I always do on this show. Just telling you the truth. And by the way, this is a conversation I had with myself at four or five this morning because I got up just spinning, just spinning this morning. When things are hopelessly Out of control

It feels bleak or it feels dark We are going to solve for freedom Here's what that means That is not American flag under ruse And like an eagle going That's not what I'm talking about We are trapped Chained to things

We are stuck in the aquarium So we're going to look at the four ways We are chained to the aquarium and we're going to cut the chains Okay number one If you owe somebody money you can't just move You can't get out of your abusive job. You can't get out of your parents' basement. You can't look at your husband and say, you stop hitting or cheating on me or I'm gone. Can't do that. Because Ford Motor Company is telling you what you're doing tomorrow. Your mortgage company

is telling you what you're going to do tomorrow. Visa is telling you what you're going to do tomorrow. Visa is telling you what you're going to do tomorrow. You are chained inside of that aquarium. You can't move. And yes, I'm biased. I work at Ramsey Solutions. We help people get out of debt. It doesn't matter.

It doesn't mean it's not true. And I take a more psychological angle. Your body will not let you rest if somebody else can just snatch your house from you or just snatch your transportation from you or just snatch your food from you. It won't let you. So stop pretending like you got a great deal on a thing that you don't have to pay for for 12 months or whatever. It's just a couch.

Don't pay every debt off that you owe pay them all off This is a massive chain around your neck pay it off pay it off all of them get insane about it get radical about it Your life depends on it And by the way while we're here stop waiting for the government to pay off your debts for you quit it Pay them off you signed your name. I had to pay off your debts for you. Quit it. Pay them off. You signed your name. I had to pay off six figures of them. Did I know what I was signing? No, but I did.

I put my name on it as an 18-year-old and a 19-year-old and a 20-year-old and a 25-year-old. I did it. I did it. So I'm going to pay them off. I'm going to stop waiting on the government. Deal with it like an adult. Does it suck? Yes. Is it the worst? Yes do it

My wife and I had to sell our nice house and move into a tiny little apartment in a dorm With a kid pay them off whatever it takes whatever it takes pay them off Number two time We use our calendars as a as a proxy for self-worth Monday night is sports practice. Tuesday is piano or guitar. Wednesday night is soccer. Thursday night is youth group or dance.

Friday night is hang out with friends. Saturdays are all-day sporting events and then hanging out with friends. Sunday is church or more games or both, plus schooling, plus commuting, plus all the yoga and the appointments at 1.5-hour workout programs or Netflix shows or baseball games. Stop. Stop. You've become a shows or baseball games. Stop. Stop. You've become a slave to your calendar. Quit. Quit. I was talking to somebody recently, not on air.

They needed to go to inpatient treatment for some significant trauma. It was a really incredible, brave person I was talking to. Their first response was, but there's so many things I've got to do who's going to get them done Calendar Calendar Get with your cat with your spouse and begin canceling things just cancel them just stop Create a day with nothing. No plans. no electronics. Create a day or two for

hosting. Just hanging out with friends and family. Tell them to bring their whatever crap they have in the fridge. Just bring it over. Half a two liter of whatever. Bring it over. I don't care. Old wine, bring it over. Try one sport and one lesson. And that's it. That's it. Your kids are going to be fine. If you drive six hours on a Saturday for a nine-year-old soccer game, stop. Just stop. Just stop. Ask yourself, is your job worth dying for? Because for bunches of you, it's killing you. And this one's hard for me because I am a to the death workaholic. I am. I work to prove my self-worth. And so this one's hard for me. You are not your busy calendar. A full calendar does not mean a full life. It means you're choosing to distract yourself from living a full life.

You're running and running away. Number three, clutter, junk, stuff everywhere. Okay. So real quick in 18 seconds, our bodies are designed to live in a world of scarcity. It's designed to eat whatever got water i'm going to drink some water log you find a mate we are going to make make make make make make it's designed for scarcity and then boom overnight we have hacked the supply chains for food and mates and everything they're everywhere everything's everywhere and then we also my granddad um came out of the great depression and he straightened up nails because he had to my grandmother saved string that came off of like clothes because they had to they didn't couldn't just go to the store and buy some because there was no store and there was no things and there was no money to buy it if there had been store so we've got these bodies who are designed for scarcity that are designed for scarcity and we have a picture one or two generations away of people who saved nails.

And we have hit the pendulum so far that we try to insulate ourselves from the next big whatever with stuff. More clothes, more shoes, more bicycles, more weight equipment, more workout programs, more digital clutter, more passwords, more logins, more whatever. Our culture has no brakes on it when it comes to this one magic word, enough. We don't know how to do it. Just start getting rid of stuff. Go room by room. Make it a five-month transformation. Make it a 30-day transformation. My friends, Joshua Fields, Milburn, and Ryan Academus, and TK Coleman, the minimalist, they have a challenge. I think it's a 30-day challenge where just on day one, give away one thing. On day two, give away two things. Day three, give away three things. By the time you get to the end of the month, 30 days or 31 days, you're giving away 30 things. And over the course of that month, it's add up to a ton

of stuff you've given away. Clothes, collections. One day, these beanie babies are going to come back. They're not. They're not coming back. Stop. Pair it on your life. Pair it on your life. Pair it on your life. Pair it on your life. Our closets, our garages, our attics, our storage spaces, our bank accounts, our laptops. It's insanity. Get rid of the clutter. Fourth, this is a whole book. Read Nedra Tueb's book called Boundaries. Find Boundaries, Find Peace. My friend Henry Cloud's got a book out about boundaries. It's a masterpiece. It's awesome. Who is telling you what you have to do with your life? Your parents, your in-laws, My friend Henry Cloud's got a book out, Boundaries. It's a masterpiece. It's awesome. Who is telling you what you have to do with your life?

Your parents, your in-laws, your abusive spouse, your old professor. Ask yourself this terrifying question. What do I want with my life? And then ask yourself this other scary question. What do I want this month? And then ask yourself an even more terrifying question. And if you're married to your spouse tomorrow, what do I want this month? And then ask yourself an even more terrifying question. And if you're married, do it with your spouse tomorrow.

What do I want for today? And what is happening today that's going to get me to this life that I want? This is solving for freedom. With your money, with your time, with your clutter, with your boundaries. with your time, with your clutter, with your boundaries.

Solve for it. Solve for freedom. And here's a bonus one. Phone a friend. Get a friend to work through this with you. Whether you're married, whether you're 18, whether you're 72, call a friend. The world's going to go bananas. And we've lived in a pocket of history

when things have been relatively stable, especially for large swaths of the West. Those days may be over. Not in a bad, dramatic way. Just we've had some pretty stable times. Some stable decades. I expect ascension. I expect chaos.

I expect people to be self-serving. I can't do anything about them, but I can't control me. I'm going to look at every angle of my life and solve for freedom, especially in those four areas. I'm going to get out of the aquarium as quickly as possible.

And if this sends a sense of panicky in you, good, good. Leave work early and sit down with your husband or your wife and say, we're going to do this now. And on the way, you're going to find grit and strength and resilience that you did not know you had. You're going to find out that you can do anything. Then you will be truly free. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody

else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, let's wrap up today's show. The great Neil Diamond and his karaoke classic,

Where It Began. I can't begin to knowing, Karaoke classic Where it began I can't begin to knowing But then I know It's growing strong Was in the spring And spring became the summer Who'd have believed you'd come along Hands

Touching hands Reaching out Touching me Touching you Yeah this is for sure an HR violation. Sweet Caroline. Bop, bop, bop. Good times never seem so good.

So good. So good. I've been inclined to believe they never would, but now I... And this song goes on and on and on. Love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs.