The Dr. John Delony Show - Is My Boyfriend Too Close to His Roommate?

Episode Date: July 18, 2022

In today’s show, we hear from a woman worried that her boyfriend’s relationship with his roommate is too involved, a man terrified to commit to his long-term girlfriend, and a wife desperate to help her suicidal husband. Lyrics of the Day: "Waves" - Dean Lewis Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I was told not to be jealous of his relationship with this person and not to come between him and his family. If he required celery at every meal and he chewed it with his mouth open and you said, hey babe, the celery, and he's like, celery stays. Don't get between me and my vegetables. Then you would know I have a choice to make. What up, what up?

This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad that you're with us. It has been a chaotic, wild month. I hope you're doing all right. Hope you're doing all right and hope you're doing all right and hope you're doing well. I hope you've got peace. And if you don't have peace, hope you've got people

that you are walking alongside right now. It's a messy, messy, messy time. We'll be talking about some of that in the coming shows, but just know that we're with you and walking alongside you wherever you happen to find yourself. Let's go to,

not Andrea, Andrea. It's Andrea. Is that right? Andrea from San Angelo, Texas. Andrea. How do I say it? Am I saying it right? You're saying it right.

You got it. Andrea? Yes, sir. Beautiful. Beautiful. Is that a family name? No, actually, it's not. Dude, good for your folks. That's that's fantastic all right so what's up

well after a bit of a hiatus i found myself dating again this year met a great guy really big in the family but one of the family relationships had me feeling a little bit uncomfortable and honestly a bit jealous at times and i'm wondering if i'm just overreacting and overthinking the situation or if there could legitimately be some relationship red flags I need to think about. Okay, tell me more. You've piqued my interest. This is fascinating.

Well, so we've been dating for a couple months now. The entire time I've known him due to life situations, he's been living with a particular family member. And so he lives with her and they work together. Is it mom or sister? Who is it? No, I'm not going to disclose that. Okay.

I'd rather not put that out there right now. It's not mom. It's a younger family member. He lives with her and works with her. They have similar lifestyles. So they spend all their time together. They run errands together.

And in general, just kind of do life together all the time. And then it makes it a little strange because at times when I'll call him and I'll say, hey, what are you doing? I get a lot of the we answers. Well, we are here. We are there. We are doing this. And I'll say, hey, do you want to go do something? And he'll be like, well, let me find out what we're doing tonight.

And he won't make plans with me unless he's cleared it with her first. Like he'll check in with her and see what she's doing and I guess make sure he's not missing out on something. I don't know. But he'll clear it with her first. And on a couple of occasions when I've actually planned for us to do things together, he's invited her along. Okay. How old is he? We're in our forties. How old is the she?

She's also in her forties. Okay. She's a little, she's younger than he is. Okay. All right. So my first thought was he's 25 and she's 16 and he's just trying to help out. Okay.

So they're both 40s. Okay. Okay. I mean, so I hesitate, it sounds weird, but I hesitate to say, I hesitate to say it's wrong.

And I am particularly attuned to romantic partners who are jealous of their siblings' relationships. I don't think that's fair, and I usually think that's pretty annoying. my any, let me, let me say it this way. Anytime I get a question like this, my first question is always back to the one person that can, that I can communicate with, which is you. And have you sat down and had this conversation with him? I have. Yes. How did that come? How did you enter into that conversation and how did it go? Um, well, I just approached him and said, babe, you know, I know our family life is a lot different, but this is how this particular relationship is making me feel right now.

And I was told not to be jealous of his relationship with this person and not to come between him and his family. Okay. And that was pretty much the end of the conversation. So here is a hard but beautiful truth you got. Mm-hmm. A boundary. A very, very clear one. And the choice you have now is,

do I want to live in this situation that makes me feel uncomfortable for whatever reason? If he required celery at every meal and he chewed it with his mouth open so loud, and you said, hey, I love you. What'd you call it? Hey, babe, I love you. But the celery, it's got like, can we do gum? And he's like, celery stays stays don't get between me and my

vegetables then you would know i have a choice to make can i fall deeper and madly in love with or can i not and some could and some couldn't and so you've got a very clear this is my relationship with my family member this is how how it's going to be. And you will always be an adjunct to that relationship. And so you're getting an answer, whether you like that answer or not, or whether that answer is brutal and hard, I get. But it sounds like you're in a fortunate place. Often people don't get answers and you sound like you've got one.

So you got that. How'd that answer make you feel? Um, not very good, honestly. Right. Um, I, it makes me feel like a kind of a third wheel, kind of like a, an additive to his life and not a primary focus. Yes. I think, I mean, sounds, that sounds right. What I, what I'm worried about you is trying to work your way into becoming the primary focus. I don't know if this is just a situational relationship because I know he came across some hard times a while back and then didn't really have any place to go.

So he ended up moving in with family. And so I guess as a part of me, it's somewhat hopeful that maybe this is just situational and that if things change that this relationship dynamic could as well, but I don't know. So when you talked to him about it, did he say, I know this is a little bit odd that I bring my, basically the same age sibling or whoever it is along with us, cousin, whoever it is,

on dates together. And that I have to run by all of my social activities and romantic activities by this other woman who I'm related to that I live with. I know that sounds weird. This is a weird moment in my life. And I'm working towards, did you get that? Or did you get, this is the

way this is and don't get between it? Kind of a little bit, I say a little bit of both because I've got the whole, you know, this is the way it is, don't get between it. But I've also gotten the, you know, hey, this is just the way it is right now. So I'm getting some mixed messages and I'm- Can I tell you, I don't think I tell you I don't think you are I think you really really want to take the message you're getting

and make it turn it a certain way so you can absorb it as just right now because I think he's a great guy and I think you've been alone for a while is that fair? yeah and so I don't know what your past dating history looks like and it sounds like it's taken for a while. Is that fair? Yeah. And so I don't know what your past dating history

looks like. And it sounds like it's taken you a while to get back in the game. You're worth more than what you got right now. And if he was on the phone with me, here's what I would tell him. He is welcome to this relationship with this other person, but it's unfair. It's dishonorable to drag another human being along as a toy on this ride. If you're going to date somebody and start thinking about creating a new world with them, they become priority over your relationship with your, your live in relationship with your sibling. You know what I mean? Yeah, I do. And just for everybody listening who just went, what?

Also, if my wife and her brother wanted to go on a brother-sister trip a couple of times a year, I would celebrate that. I want them to have the greatest relationship in the world. My sister and I do stuff together. Like there should never be a weird thing unless I make it weird.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, totally. I love his family. I mean, they're great people and I love the fact that he's very much into them. I think you like the idea of being a part of this beautiful system. The one problem is you're not a part of it. You're outside of it.

You are not being asked into it. You're being told this is where you will be. And I hate that for you. But that appears to be the reality. If I'm you, here's my next step. Here's my next step. It's a very direct, I've thought about this, and I'm not interested in furthering this relationship

if another woman, be it your mom, your sister, your cousin, is going to be more important to you than me. You're welcome to that. But if that's the case, cut me loose. Or if that's the case, I'm going to head out. And it's been an honor getting to know you and to date you. But I'm not going to play second fiddle in this relationship. And if he says, no, I'm ready to make you first fiddle.

And once a week, him and his sister, first fiddle. If he says that, you probably should run. Just run for the hills. You're going to be my first fiddle. Yeah, actually, I'm out. I'm out. That's weird. But if he does say, no, no, I'm ready to make you first in my life. And I've been through some hard stuff and I'm ready to shift. But me and my sister, my cousin, my mom, whoever get together once a week for a dinner or for breakfast or whatever, celebrate that, celebrate that, help them grow in their relationship.

But unfortunately, it doesn't sound like where you're at. So it's like you've been given a very clear boundary and you want it to be something different and I want it for you, but it's not reality. One of the keys to being well is owning and acknowledging reality. And you're worth more than what you got right now. I hope you can look in the mirror and see that. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes.

And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves.

I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties,

not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp.

Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Let's go to Patrick in Cleveland, Ohio. What's up, Patrick? Hey, Dr. John. Good to hear from you again. You too, man. So, okay, so catch me up. You called, I guess, several months ago, and we talked about some work struggles. Remind me of that. Yes.

Yes, sir, we did. We talked about how I was battling, you know, being overwhelmed with my career as well as trying to balance the three bands I'm in. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, did you quit one of the three bands I'm in. Oh, yeah. Did you quit one of the bands? I haven't yet, but I'm working on it. What a sucker, dude. What a chump. You're one of those guys that calls for

wisdom. You're like, I'm not going to do it. But that's cool. I've taken everything you said into heart. I know. I've taken it into my heart. I just haven't done any of it. But that's cool, man. So as a part of that call, you mentioned something about your girlfriend.

I said, hey, man, that's a whole other call. Call back another time. And then you did, which is awesome. So tell me about what's going on. And I can give you another round of wisdom that you'll just put into your heart and then go on about your day. No, I'm going to do it, man. You're not, you're not, but go ahead. So basically, uh, my girlfriend and I have been living together and dating for four years now, just north of four years. And she has every right and every reason to want to take our relationship to the next step. I'm not denying that at all. And I give her every reason to.

But, you know, I'm in this position where I feel like everything going on in my life and in my own mental instability, I feel like I'm just not ready for that yet. I feel like I'm not ready to marry her. I'm not sure if it's what I should do if we're meant to be together, if I'm even fit for marriage at this point in life

or ever even. Then break up with her and let her go, man. But it's like, I don't want to do that. Then break up with her and let her go. Yeah, okay. It's like, I don't want to do that. I worry that if I do that, I'm going to make a huge mistake because I'm not sure if I'm just self-sabotaging and I do this in any relationship I'm in.

A hundred percent, yes in? 100% yes. Yes. And yes. And then yes on top of that. The reason I just told you to break up with her is I wanted to see your reaction. Okay. I think you'd be making a huge mistake,

quite honestly. I do. You're playing family now. Right. You're playing married now. So what you're playing family now right you're playing married now um so what you're trying to do is have both things at the same time kind of similar to trying to have three bands at the same time

and work a full time job but also keep this little music thing you have a grade a like flashing neon sign fear of going all in on something. Mm-hmm. And if you want to do that to your career and to your other fellow musicians, great.

Don't do this to your girlfriend. Agree. You know what I mean? I do, absolutely. And here's why I'm speaking directly to you like this, because I'm you. I'm you. The number of times I've taken a job

and within six months I'm already applying out just to see what's out there, I don't feel comfortable, I think someone's going to be mean to me. It's just putting two feet in the ground. And I didn't realize that I was dragging my wife through that, and I was. I didn't realize that I was dragging my wife through that, and I was. I didn't realize that I was dragging my kids through that, and I was.

And they deserve better than that. I deserve better than that. And the people I work for deserve better than that. All that to say is this. Your issue's not my issue. Your issue's your issue. Four years is enough. Make your decision and move on with your life. It may be this. Here's another thing. I went skiing move on with your life. It may be this.

Here's another thing. I went skiing this weekend with some friends. Have you ever been skiing? Water skiing? No. Okay. Your water skiing behind the boat, it kicks a big wake up, right?

So it splashes a lot of water behind you and it creates a wave that you've got to get on one side or the other of it. And if you're skiing and you find yourself and you find, oh no, and you're split, you got one leg outside the wake and one leg in it, it's super unstable. And at any second, you feel like you're going to face plant because you are. And usually you eventually face plant unless you can get one way or the other out of this thing. You got to get back in the wake or you got to get way outside of it where the water's like glass. Okay.

I wonder if a ton of your anxiousness, a ton of your feeling in like you're, you're feeling like you're have this just profound instability, some of your mental health struggles, if you will, are because you ride the fence on everything. You're riding the wake on everything. Make a commitment, man. Let me put it this way. What you're doing isn't working. Try something else. Try it for six months. You can't try marriage for six months,

but try quitting the bands. Try what it's like to go all in on a band or two. Try what it's like to go all in on your career. Try what it's like to go all in on your wife. Just commit. I'm in. She's it. This is it. Why won't you do that? Why won't

you give yourself that peace being inside the wake or outside, man? You're just riding the worst part of this thing. It's like, it's, it's so hard to describe, but, um, you know, growing up and I did touch on this in the last time we talked, but I had an extremely unstable and unhealthy upbringing. My mom painted the worst picture about women to me. She poisoned my head about women. They're this, they're that, they're going to ruin your dreams. You're going to ruin your life. Don't let this happen. You know, she was the mother of five boys with five boys. And it's just like, she painted the worst picture of women. I've had tons of girlfriends, tons of intimate relationships. And I almost feel more comfortable like being with multiple different women

and starting something new and riding that honeymoon high than I do like being involved with one person. I feel more comfort in that. Patrick, but look at your life. I know, I know. It's a disaster. It's chaos, it's chaos. Yes. And so you can't tell,

you can say that it's less scary initially, but it's killing you. It is. And I don't want to be this way. I want to want to marry her. I don't want to lose her. Like, I want to be in a position where I want to run down that aisle

and not have any type of regret. Here's how you get there, Patrick. Here's how you get there. Choose to run down the aisle. There have any type of regret. Here's how you get there, Patrick. Here's how you get there. Choose to run down the aisle. There is no magical moment. There's not this moment you're going to be walking through a grocery store and all of a sudden the lights are going

to shine on her in the right way. You decide I'm going to run down this aisle. I am going to go all in. You've seen people on stage who are timid players and they make for a terrible show.

Because they won't commit to the music and then having fun while they're up there. Is that fair? No, absolutely, yeah. You're waiting for something that will never, ever come and you're dragging another poor woman through it. Don't do that. I know. I don't want to.

Then don't. She deserves so much better. I know. Then don't. Then don't. I need that extra reassurance. I know. It's like, I don't want to pee on the floor. I just don't want to. Then don't. Go in the bathroom. It's like that. Yeah, I know. Um, so I want to ask you something recently, you know, her and I have been seeing a premarital therapist. I wanted to get some external insight on our relationship and it was almost like, you know, I wanted to hear what she would say about, about us or, you know, should you be together or not? Um, I had a couple of one-on-one sessions with this, with this therapist and, uh, she

diagnosed me with a borderline personality disorder. Now, I don't know if that's really a big deal or not, but it certainly does make a lot of sense. Borderline personality disorders is one of the most challenging mental health disorders. Very, very hard. Very, very hard. I believe that I have that. Okay.

Definitely aligns. Yeah. So you have to make a choice of a life of volatile explosions and a trail of people who loved you and who are also hurt because you melt them. Or a choice of, and that's professional relationships,

personal relationships, or you are going to put in hard work over the next three to five years of DBT and REBT. There is treatment protocols for borderline personality disorder. It is very, very challenging. You're going to have to decide. I'm going to pull the string on, like you just mentioned, these emotional highs, and I'm going to learn to become one with my body

and one with my emotions and learn what these signals mean versus what I feel like they mean. And you're going to have to put that work in. And what I'll tell you is there's healing on the other side of that. It's hard, but there's healing on the other side of it. And I've also seen people who don't deal with it

and it is a trail of pain. That's your choice, man. Yeah. I certainly am ready for the roller coaster. I can't live like this and I know that I'll end up just hitting the wall at some point in life. I'm proud of you. I am now. I'm proud of you for that.

Thank you. Did your clinician offer you any, well, let me say this. Number one, borderline personality disorder is over-diagnosed with regularity. Okay. So I would go sit down with a licensed psychologist in your area and let them know that I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder by a premarital counselor or a licensed clinical therapist too, and LPC is fine. But I've been diagnosed i'd like a full um diagnostic test on this and then i want some treatment options moving forward and there should be a good practitioner in your area okay okay um if you decide i'm gonna get very serious about healing know you're in for one hell of a ride it's hard okay because you're having to relearn how you experience the world. People with borderline personality disorder experience separation as a flamethrower.

They experience love and joy as a carnival. And so it's learning to accept these different versions of how your body feels. You have to relearn how to do it, and it's hard. But it's also incredible. Okay. Okay? That can certainly explain why I pretty much always self-sabotage things. Does that example of a carnival versus a flamethrower, does that make sense?

Oh, yeah. Okay. All right. So be about healing, man. Be about healing. Um, what's your girlfriend say about being married to you?

She wants nothing more than that. It's like, she understands this prognosis I'm dealing with. She wants to ride the ride with me. I guess I feel, I feel guilt almost like let her be an adult. Let her be an adult. I know. She her be an adult. Let her be an adult. I know she's a grown woman. Let her be an adult. If she says I'm in it, then you've won the lottery,

my friend, and she's in it. And then you have to look at her and say, I'll be in it too. Now I did ask her one other thing I wanted to ask her that you know what if we just aren't meant to be together and you're I don't buy that there's no such thing as that okay y'all can choose to not be together you can choose to not be with her

but the meant to be together thing is Hollywood fairytale bullcrap okay I believe you that makes sense you've been with her for four years y'all live together you know thing is Hollywood fairy tale bull crap. Okay, I believe you. That makes sense. You've been with her for four years. Y'all live together. You know.

You know the ups and the downs and the sideways. She's flying like a kite out there in the wind and she said she is willing to ride the ride with you but she wants some security. She wants to be on the roller coaster with, but she wants some security. And I, she wants to be on the roller coaster with you, but she wants a seatbelt.

And she wants to know you're going to stay on the roller coaster. You're not going to jump off. And that's super, super fair. Yeah, absolutely. Or you can say, I'm not interested in riding. Which, that's fair for you too. It's the ride in both sides of the wake, man,

that you got to quit. Yeah. Is that fair? It is fair, yeah. You're a brave guy. You're a brave guy. What I would tell you is now it's time for action. If I'm you or if you're my son or you're my brother

or you're a friend of mine, I would tell you go get a true workup. If I truly have, I want to know if I've got a borderline personality disorder diagnostic. And again, I'm not trying to spit on your marriage therapist, but I want to go get somebody who is proficient and skilled in that and in the assessment. And I want to see if that's a true diagnosis. And if it is, awesome. That's fully you. And there's some extraordinary gifts that people with borderline personality disorder have.

Some incredible gifts, how they see and experience the world. They're a blessing. And there's some intense healing that has to happen too. Is that fair? Yeah. Okay. Go be about it. Go be about it, man.

And my hope is, my hope is the next time you call, which you will, you're going to call me back in a few months, you're three months, five months, six months into healing. And you're calling to tell me,

hey, we broke up for good. I made the choice. She made the choice. We broke up for good. I made the choice. She made the choice. We broke up for good. Or we're engaged. Not because we weren't waiting on some, some, you know, hawk to land on the telephone pole

to be like, you're supposed to be together or some vampire to come. Y'all just made adult choices. We're in. We are all in. And we're going to ride this thing together. We're going to do it.

And know this, you've got borderline personality disorder, healing is hard. It's hard and it takes a long time and it's worth it because I've seen the other side of it and it's beautiful. It's incredible. We'll be right back. All right, we are back. Let's take one more call. Let's go to Emily in Fairview, Tennessee. What's up, Emily? Hi, Dr. Jones. How we doing? Today's a good day. How are you? Today is a good day. That's a fantastic way to say that.

Fairview is one of my favorite places. That's fantastic, man. So what's up? Yeah, I like it out here. Well, my husband has been close to suicide four times in as many months. And my question for you is, how do I find peace? Oh, man. That's a tough one. So walk me back. What happened four months ago that started these dominoes? Well, I think it started before then. He's a military veteran with PTSD.

Pretty sure he's got depression, anxiety. And we've been fighting for a long time to try to get him some mental health counseling therapy through the VA. And took a long time to get that to happen. Took him actually driving out to a bridge to get that to happen through the VA. And so they've had counseling for a little while through them, but it's been very inconsistent. They'll go like two months between sessions. Anyway. So why? We have recently found someone else.

Okay. That is not through the VA. Okay. That was my This is a This is a level one emergency Yeah And so I'm not waiting on them anymore Yeah

Yeah, I'm not waiting on them at all Good for you We gave up on that route Good, good And I know that that adds another level of shame And frustration and anger and rage to a veteran That the one group that sent him out now doesn't want to do anything remotely close to provide the help and care that he needs. Um, that's, that's a whole other level, man. I'm so sorry. Um,

so what happened four months ago that, that something, so there was some triggering event that said, I'm just going to, I'm, I'm practicing this. I'm leading up to this. I, I don't know what the trigger was. Okay. I don't know. So where is he now?

Um, you know, he's got good days and bad days, but you know, I think he's still in a dark place and, you know, he's only good days and bad days, but you know, I think he's still in a dark place and you know, he's only started with this, this new therapist, you know, um, two weeks ago. So he's still, I feel like he's fighting as a dragon, you know, and he doesn't have any

tools to fight it with right now. He's fighting with his bare hands. Gotcha. Is he there? Would he talk to me? He's not at home right now. Okay. I'd love it if he called in,

and if he calls in, we'll move him to the front of the line. Okay? Okay, cool. Man, it breaks my heart. There's a lot. So do you have little ones? Yeah, we got a six-year-old and a four-year-old. Of course you do.

How are they doing? How much of this are they absorbing? I don't know. They don't know what's going on. The night that he drove out to the bridge when he got back home and told me what had happened, I broke down and cried. And it was my six-year-old daughter who was like patting me on the back and comforting me. And I was, you know, I couldn't breathe. But so, you know, I couldn't breathe, but, um, so she, you know,

they know something's up probably. What kept him on that bridge? What kept him on that bridge? What kept him off? Kept him on. Kept him on? Yeah. Um, I don't know. We, the night that happened, we were having a normal conversation. It was a very, like, we were talking about, Hey, what day is this happening? What, you know, when are we, is this on Friday or Saturday? Kind of very administrative type conversation. And all of a sudden he just said, why am I even here? And just left. And later he said he wasn't sure why he was feeling that way. So I would tell you

one of the cornerstones of, you've probably heard me say this on the show, but just to reiterate for everybody listening if we have new listeners every cell in the human body has one job and that's to get to tomorrow and then to get to the next day

and then to get to the next day and to override the system and jump off of a bridge or to take your life to die by suicide takes an extraordinary amount of resolve more so than we think it's just so foreign to every part of our body down to the cellular level right um and one of the chief suicidologists, the person who studies suicide that I have a high respect for

suggests that it's such a hard thing to get your body to do that when they look back post-mortem on people who have died by suicide there is often a trail of practice attempts

driving out, cutting deeper and deeper, being a little bit more reckless with guns or getting it out and looking at it and getting out and holding it. And so what I would tell you is this, and I know that you know this, I just want you to hear me say it.

This is as though your house is on fire and he's trapped inside and you and your daughter, you and your kids are out in the front yard. That's how serious this is as though your house is on fire and he's trapped inside. And you and your daughter, you and your kids are out in the front yard. That's how serious this is. Okay. If at all possible, there should probably be some sort of impatient. The fact that he is seeing somebody right now is a really great sign.

And I would ask if I'm, here's where I'm gonna try to give you some glimpses of peace, but your home is on fire. And so you're not gonna have peace in this particular season right now. And so I want you to make peace with not having peace for a minute, okay? Often the rage and anger and frustration and inability to sleep and move is because we're expecting things to be still and they're not. And so expect things to be choppy right now. Kind of like I was just talking when I was skiing the other day, whenever a boat drives by and the wake is coming, I expect it to be really, really bumpy and then I can deal with the bumps. It's when I expect to be smooth and all bump comes out of nowhere and I eat it. Does that make sense? Yeah. Okay. So expect to be, there to be a limited amount of peace in the next few, however long. Okay. I would ask if he's okay with it. If for your own peace of

mind, if he would sign a release so that you could call his counselor and get an update. Oh, okay. And if he signs a release, the therapist is required to, if you call and say, I just need to check in and see what level of concern you have for my husband's wellbeing on a scale of one to 10. You come up with some sort of skill and you can tell him, I don't want to know all the intimate details. I don't want to know all of the things. I just want to know that you're okay. And I would love for you to sign.

It would give me peace in my heart. Another thing that would be huge is if he would do this, if he would commit to no talking, just handholding, or I'm looking for skin-on-skin moments. Okay. And that may be hard with the kids and all the crazy, you know. Can we have some, you call them SOS moments, you can call them skin-on-skin moments. And I'm not going to pester you about, what are you feeling? What do you. And I'm not going to, I'm not going to pester you about what are you feeling?

What do you think? I'm not going to do that. I just want to hold you. I want you to hold me. Yeah. Okay. And what we're trying to do is call is have your body go. A third thing.

If I were you, I would go see a counselor too. Okay. Cause you're in this too yeah well I started seeing someone through BetterHelp good for you good for you

the majority of people who die by suicide do not want to be dead they want their hurt to stop yeah exactly yeah and the majority of people who die by suicide have some sort of ramp up to this process. And so the fact that one of the questions I would ask is,

have you ever tried before? Yep. Four times in as many months. That to me is on top of combat service on top of like, you're giving me a, you're painting a picture of me of a very volatile individual. Okay?

Yeah. I'm so sorry that you're here, and I'll just tell you, he's really, really lucky to have you. Well, I'm lucky to have him, too. I know. But it's scary, right? Yeah.

Has he made you a promise that he'll call you? What do you mean? There's been some efficacy concerns around this, meaning there's been some studies that say yay or nay on this. One thing that I still love and it may, it doesn't guarantee anything, but I would love it if you had a piece of paper that you wrote and did it nice and said, this is a contract between you and me. I'm the one woman you said you were going to be here for. And I want you to promise that you will never kill yourself.

And that if you ever feel like it, you will call me, or you will call somebody. Okay. And make him sign it, and you sign it. Now, like I said, there's people who've done studies and say, that doesn't really do anything, or some people just sign it, and then they go ahead and do it. It's not guaranteeing anything, but here's what it does.

It gives you and him an intimate moment that says, I'm asking a covenant of you to not leave me. Yeah, yeah. Okay. And that might be a moment filled with tears. It might be a hard moment. I think you can do all this in a single conversation.

And then here's the last one. Let me throw this one on there. Ask him, let's clear the entire deck. Pretend we're meeting for the first time. What do you need from me? Yeah, okay. What can I bring to the table for you? Is it silence?

Is it quiet? Is it touch? Is it, are you just so sick of the gluten-free bagels that I'm always making? Like, right? Like, what can I bring to the table? Do we need to move? Do you need to reenlist? Like, what do we need to do to come to the table?

And let him know I'm all in. The last, last, last one is this idea of perceived burdensomeness. Is the idea that people who die by suicide over time begin to feel like the world would be better if I wasn't here. My kids would be better off if I wasn't here. Yeah. And he's really prone to shameful thoughts about himself. That's right. Just guilt.

Yep. Do you know of things that happened overseas? Yeah. Okay. That contribute to that? Yeah. Okay. That's hard.

That's hard to sit with and sit and unwind. Do you have a couple of veterans in your local community that you have their numbers so you can reach out to them, that he can reach out to them? Yeah, he's got a buddy. He's not local, but he's got a buddy that he has reached out to when he was feeling suicidal before. He needs some people in Fairview. Okay. Or in Leapers Fork area or in Franklin. He needs some people local in Dixon. Okay.

Yeah. He has local friends too in Dixon. Okay. Yes. He has local friends too, but I don't know that they're veterans. He needs some people who have been there. Okay. Okay. And he may say, no,

and you can tell him. You may not get them. I'm getting them. I'm going to reach out. Okay. And I'm going to make this weird on all of us. And I'd love for him to call if he'd be willing to. Okay?

Okay. I know he's fighting World War III in his head right now. And I'm sorry that's going on for him. I'm sorry that's going on for your two little ones. And I'm sorry that's going on for you. And if he happens to have a chance to listen to this, I need him to hear me say, the world will not be better off with you not here.

And carrying the bricks of shame, it's time to set him down. It's time to set him down. The heartbreaking part for you, Emily, is that he's the only one that can do that for himself. Okay? Mm-hmm. Have you made him a promise to never call

or never tell or anything like that? No. He made me promise to tell people. Good. Hey, gosh, that's a brave man. That's an awesome guy. If you ever get a hint, call everyone. Call 911, every friend, every pastor, everybody

you know, every time. Okay? Okay. Promise yourself that. Okay? Promise. Maybe when you ask him to sign the wellness contract, you hand him one and say, anytime, I'm calling in everybody. Everybody.

I'm going to call so many people, I'm going to call an idiot podcaster. That's who I'm going to call. I'm going to call so many people I'm going to call an idiot podcaster that's who I'm going to call I'm going to call everybody okay Emily we love you and you call anytime we can help and if you can get him on the phone with me I would love that too okay

alright you're doing all the right things and man if you are watching this the world would not be better with you not in it. And if for a moment you think, I just need this to stop, remember this moment. I'm sitting with you. We're all sitting with you. Reach out and make that call.

Reach out and make the call. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. As we wrap up today's show. Man, we almost saw the return of the horse noise here, man.

Those suicide calls are tough. Those suicide calls are tough. Suicide calls are tough. Borderlines calls are tough. Boyfriends who's maybe sisters, kind of girlfriend-y, those are real tough. But lucky for me, we got the team, brought in the lyrics to the famous Dean Lewis song. If you've heard of Dean Lewis, you're better than me because I have not. I don't know who that is. But hopefully the best person, hopefully old Dean jams.

Hopefully old Dean's not a terrible human because then I'll get canceled for what? The song is called Waves. The song is called Waves and it goes like this. There's a swelling storm and I'm caught up in the middle of it all. And it takes control of the person that I thought I was. The boy I used to know. But there is a light in the dark and I feel its warmth in my hands, in my heart. But why can't I hold on?

It comes and goes in waves. It always does, always does. We watch as our young hearts fade into the flood, into the flood. And it comes and it goes in waves and it carries us away. And it carries us right back here on the Dr. John Deloney Show. We'll see you soon.

Coming up on the next episode. I feel betrayed by God and I'm very angry at him right now. I found the love of my life in Germany. A week after we got married, we found out she was pregnant. Two weeks after we got married, we found out that she had stage three inflammatory breast cancer. She never expected to live very long. Things continued on for eight years. And this past March, she went to the hospital. She never made it out of the hospital.

I ended up having to take her off the ventilator on April the 7th. She was only 32 years old. It's literally the only thing I've ever asked God not to do to me, and it's happened. If you were sitting with me right now, I'd give you a hug and I would hold the hug past the time when it was awkward to when you could feel my body telling your body that I love you and I'm sorry