The Dr. John Delony Show - Is My Wife Sending Nude Pics to Other Men?

Episode Date: December 29, 2025

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A couple months ago, I uncovered an affair. Land right in the middle of it, dude. What did you find? I found a couple of pictures of her. Topless. I promise you with all that I am, brother, you do not, quote, unquote, know all of her tells. Happy new year. 2026 is here.

So glad that you're with us. Start the new year off right. Talking about your relationships. Nobody's got relationships challenges after the holidays. My goodness. And I'm so glad that you're talking about your relationships, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life.

Hit the subscribe button. Let's start the new year off right. Hit the subscribe button and let's get after it this year. So grateful that you are with us. He's got to Washington, D.C. and talk to Randy. Hey, Randy, what's up, brother? Hey, Dr. John. How are you doing?

I'm doing great, man. How are you, man? Better than I deserve. Excellent, excellent. What's up? Yeah, I'm really grateful that you took my question. I'm calling my wife and I. We've been together for almost 16 years now.

I'm married for a little over 12, almost 13. we have been absolute best friends from the start and yeah I've got three kids from a previous marriage she has a daughter that I had in my life since she was one year old he's about 16 now

we are a happy family a couple short months ago I uncovered an affair and literally and figure it to brought me to my knees. The recovery process from that, you know, I spent the next two, close to three months. I initiated the separation.

I still was not very sure of which direction we wanted to go. However, I knew that I absolutely really loved this woman. After a whole lot of kind of ups and downs, I decided to sit down with my wife. and talk about reconciliation as she was literally begging me to stay married and that we can continue forward. She

showing all the guilt, the remorse, everything that comes with the affair. So we decided, yeah, let's give it another shot. Since then, even prior then, I've been seeing my own counselor, she's been seeing her own counselor, and we've been seeing a

Gottman-trained marriage counselor. Since that reconciliation, it's been approximately three months, and we are super solid. Everything is going just absolutely well. There's a lot of reconnection. It's all very safe, very healthy. But just recently, within about the past three weeks, I stumbled across something that I don't have any explanation for what happened well so you're sure you're circling the clouds like

with your airplane yeah laying right in the middle of it dude i'll get to the point um the way that i uncovered the affair i don't care what did you find what did you find i found a couple of pictures her copless that I have never seen before my life okay I looked at the file data I know the timeline of when these pictures were taken I know exactly where I was

these were never sent to me during that timeline we didn't have any spicy talk over the phone you know it's home every night sure is this is this after you're reconciliation or just in the past? The pictures were taken six years ago. Okay. And during that time frame, we had a good, strong marriage.

Hold on. I need to challenge you on something. Is that cool? Yeah, ma'am. Okay. If you go back and listen to the first minute and a half of us talking, you've told me that this is your best friend. You'll have an amazing life together. you've got this amazing three kids of your own and this amazing daughter that you have raised amazing, awesome, wonderful, amazing, great. You will not be able to move forward

until you are honest that none of that was true. Ouch. Best friends don't knife the person in the same bed with them. Yeah, yeah. Best friends don't cheat. Best friends don't start a reconciliation process and don't fully come clean with how deep this, their dissatisfaction, their own challenges, their own affairs, all that stuff has happened. Can I add a little context for you? Yeah.

My wife was raised very, very well. She had tremendous morals. This is a woman that never lied to me, never lied to her mother. The only thing that she learned how to do a couple of months ago is learn how to lie. She didn't learn how to lie well. She just learned how to lie. And when I did uncover the affair, I got a little bit of a background in this. I interrogated her.

And it was specifically so I could see what tells she has. and it worked. I know every one of her tells. So since I have not questioned her yet about these pictures, I kind of have to, like I feel obligated to give the benefit of the doubt because perhaps, perhaps, even though I use the duck analogy, perhaps there is a logical explanation. I don't know what that is, but, you know.

Or perhaps. Yeah. are man are you an interrogator for a living no former life former life all right I grew up in the home of a homicide detective

okay who is also a SWAT hostage negotiator okay being interrogated is in my DNA I also worked student conduct for 20 years I've been interrogating people my entire career. Okay.

You and I both know that the number one barrier for a good interrogator is their own ego. Yeah. And their belief that they have a superior detection system

than anybody else. I promise you with all that I am, brother, you do not quote unquote know all of her tells. and you're needing to believe that is preventing you from feeling

the reality of the situation. Not knowing it, feeling it. Yeah. I was raised with impeccable morals and I was a world-class liar. You know why? Because A, I had to be. And B,

I was surrounded by a world-class interrogator. Yeah. So the greatest gift you can give to yourself right now is to say these terrifying words, I missed it. And if you will metabolize that, then you'll have to do the scary work, which is, I thought I was a guy that knew her and I didn't.

yeah and then you'll have to say if i can't trust me then who can i trust and that's a scary thing on the back end of an affair is is yes people lose trust in their spouse but there's a deeper trust loss in yourself i should have seen it right and bro if you can get there and i'm i'm literally thinking of you opening your hands instead of clenching them tighter your perhaps perhaps is you squeezing every your hands are squeezed together so tight

your hands are turning white your fingers are turning white perhaps you know what perhaps you're right but the evidence in front of you to use investigator language is probably not fair and this is

me talking to a guy, I'm telling you this because I love you. It's fair. Yeah. The greatest gift is not thinking I solved this because for a person who is linked up with somebody who thinks they know all this is and that's and this is and that's, is once I can get around that system, I can get around anything. Right. And that is unfathomably terrified. The greatest investigators that I've spent time with, the ones who do this at like the high, high, high level, are ones who regularly say, I don't know.

Yeah, and I'm kind of faced with this challenge. We did have really, really deep conversations over this past couple of weeks. You know, I told her exactly why I did what I did when I confronted her about the affair. You know, I told her. I said, I interrogated you. I did that for a reason. All things considered, I wouldn't have done it any differently. I don't want to interrogate her again.

And so I'm kind of playing scenarios out here on how I actually do approach this. You know, our marriage counselor has been, you know, I've been on his back about trust building. How do I build trust? And really everything kind of boils down to, I've been told a lot of things. I've heard the whole transparency. Everybody's got everybody's passwords. Well, I threw my passwords out freely, willingly. I was like, please check everything.

I don't care. I've got nothing to hide. My wife was reluctant to do that at first, but, you know, I told him, like, look, I get a vote. You know, I use your words. I get a vote in this. This is what I want. And she's been pretty dang transparent, you know, trying to fix what was broken. You know, here I am.

I've been away from home for about three weeks now. And, you know, when I call her. Why are you not on a plane back to sit in front of her? You know, I go by my individual counselor. this is my job and I get it I understand the relationship between job and family

you know I was in the military for 21 years which ultimately caused me my first marriage well no me being in the military did not cause me my marriage however this is how I put food on the table this is how I got you but do you not get Saturday on Sunday off

I'm Clear across the globe. Yeah, I'm across the pond. It's not that easy. Okay, that's fair. Yeah. Here's what I'm going to tell you. You're going to be a shell of yourself

by the time you get back. Yeah, yeah, I'm preparing for that. And you're running, you are ruminating. What you're doing feels like productive thinking. It is not. Yeah. You're rumina. You are, you are,

creating stories that then you have to solve which create new stories with which you have to solve your car is stuck in mud and you have your foot jammed on the gas and you're listening to the r pms go up and you feel like you're moving you're not going anywhere you're just digging a deeper hole it's a nail on the head right there so until you exhale and stop having imaginary conversations in your head and running scenarios in your head and by the way that's how you were trained. Think of every contingency. Get as many unknown unknowns off the table as possible. That is in your DNA. And I honor that. It doesn't work in a marriage. Yeah, been figuring that one out. It's all good. I mean, you're just doing, here's what you're doing.

You love her so much and you love the life you all have created. And let's even go one step deeper. You've dedicated your whole life to trying to love people well. and keep people safe and do the next right thing that's your whole life but you know as well as I do that green camo doesn't work in the desert

and so you're opening up your toolkit and you're just putting on you're grabbing the tools that you know an interrogation never works in reconnection right because it lifts you into the higher chair

and you know one of the great interrogation techniques is for the interrogator to have a higher chair chair. Yes. That's what it does. And it doesn't bring connection. It brings punishment. And if you have a woman who spent her whole life just following the rules, that meant

she also knew the way around the rules. Right. And there's nothing more terrifying. Go ahead. I don't feel responsible. having given her means and the opportunity to have an affair behind my back while I'm...

No, no, no, no, no. She made choices. I'm absolutely clear of that responsibility. I've got a level of head on that one, and she has done her part in taking full accountability for it all. Awesome, great. But here's the thing.

Seriously, she's done a great job. Maybe, maybe. Maybe. And so I have given her several opportunities, and not because I had any doubt, but I gave several opportunities. You know, like, if there is anything else from the past that I need to know about, it's a really good idea to get ahead of the truth. And, you know, at this point, maybe it just becomes a discussion or, you know, we go back to a dark place and figure things out. And that's kind of still where I'm sitting at here, depending on this severity, if I get the truth that I, and kind of leaning more towards

where do I go from there? I can't sit here and tell you that I'm decided on that we just have a good discussion and talk to our marriage counselor. Of course not, of course not. But what you're trying to do is you're trying to assume her answer A and then your contingency plan

and then assume her answer B and then a contingency plan. And you've got your fingers held tightly around her potential answer number three and you've got a contingency plan. And what I'm telling you is the path forward for recognizing, reconciliation here is open-handedness and that's terrifying and you're in a tough spot dude because

these things are best had face to face and you can't have that but you don't have this conversation yet but i wonder what it would be like to exhale and say i shouldn't have interrogated you as a means to regain power in this relationship, I should have wept because I loved you and I gave you my whole life. I didn't see this one coming. And I'm not going to interrogate you, but I just found these photos and they're marked six years ago and you never sent these to me. and right now I'm just heartbroken and it sounds strange man but I'm wondering if you wouldn't feel

infinitely more free after that conversation you wouldn't feel better but would you feel free you know I felt free once with the whole affair situation. But I had, when I had finally come to a decision, you know, with me being out of town,

I was gone for about two months, and I'm actively throwing out the bids for attention. I'm trying to see where she's at in this process, and I was getting absolutely zero reciprocation. Two, three days before I actually got home, There was conversation, you know, text conversation between us. I can't remember the details, but it was enough to put me over the line. And I said, you know what, I'm done.

I'm done. My tank is empty. I'm done. When I get home, I'll go ahead and take care of filing. For whatever reason, I'm still not sure myself, I still had it scheduled for her to pick me up from the airport. And here I am on the plane home, and I'm thinking, why didn't I just? call my brother. What was I thinking? And that was the most uncomfortable hour and a half drive home from the airport with the crying and this can't be real. But that's when I was

comfortable. I was set. I felt at peace with myself. You felt, you felt at peace in the decision or you felt peace in the grovelling? I felt peace in the decision. I could have, I could have totally gone without the grovelling. I didn't want it. I didn't. I didn't need it. Okay, so it wasn't a matter if you finally, like, you felt like the cosmic teeter-totter was balancing a bit? No, not at all. Okay, all right. I, I was really absolutely done, and I was so secure in my decision as it's like, hey, look, let's, let's have a quiet, right home. It's been a long trip. Okay. Can she, yeah, I don't know. Could she get on a plane and come see you? I'm sorry? Can she get on a plane and come see you? Uh, no. Okay.

I mean, the honesty is this is going to be hard. It's going to be hard, whether you off to navigate this over Zoom. And, man, being gone seven more months with no physical contact is going to be really, really hard. I don't know if you can take a leave of some sort. I mean, I don't know, man. That's hard. And it sounds cheesy, but right now let your body be your guide. Where do you find peace?

Where do you find peace? Sorry, my man. I hate this for you, dude. I really do. Thanks for the call. Took a lot of courage for you to call, and I'm grateful. We come back. A woman feeling like she's the only one involved

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Go to helixleep.com slash deloni for 20% off everything you purchase. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X, Helixleep.com slash Deloni, and tell them you heard about it right here on this show. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, Appleton, Wisconsin. Let's talk to Anne. What's up, Ann? Hi, I, Dr. John.

I love your show. I love you. How are you doing? Well, I'm doing pretty good. I mean, other than the little issue that I have. When someone calls the show and says, I have a little issue, it's never a little issue. What's up?

No, it's not. I'll get started. So my husband and I have been married for about three years, and he has a stepdaughter. My kids are all adults. and I've been raising his stepdaughter. He's never home. He works. He's in a band.

He goes out all the time or he likes to sleep. And there's no, you know, when I try to talk to him about these things, he just doesn't, I don't know, he just doesn't understand or he doesn't grasp what I'm seeing. I mean, we've been to a counselor. we've done all this. There was a huge custody battle with his ex-wife just recently and he fought for more time but he's not taking

that time to spend with her. And it makes me more angry because I feel like when I was going through the divorce, my kids think get as much attention as I'm giving his daughter now. And I know she is my daughter too. No, that's good. That's good.

That's good. What you just said is good. You know, and I... I'm sorry. No, don't be sorry. That's good. I wasn't able to give my kids, but I'm giving her now because my ex-husband was very controlling. And I went from one extreme to another. Like, he doesn't care if I'm gone anywhere.

Like, there's just no. Okay, so let's get to the real target here. Can we go right to the bull's eye? Yeah, go right to the ball. You're married to a man that you simply do not respect. And that's how it feels. right now. That's not how it feels. That's how it is. Yeah. Because you're married to a man who went to war for more time and he doesn't want to see his own daughter. No. And if we're honest, let's take her out of the equation. This sweet daughter, he doesn't want to see you. No, no. I have to argue with him and then he makes it into like a joke. You know, he's like, I love you. You know, I love you. You know, that but no behavior's a language he's very clear that he loves not being at home more than he

loves being with you yeah yeah and it's just you know like he's like well we need money so I need to work you know there's always an excuse yeah always always I'll sit here with you for a second yeah I don't know what else you know what other things I can do I mean, the real pain here is that this is happening again. Yeah. And when it happens with a terrible first husband, it's easy to say it's them. And then it happens again with the different fun-loving, super-exciting, hangs out, smiles all the time, musician, whatever. Now it happening again, it's hard not to look in the mirror and say, what's wrong with me?

Yeah, I do that every day. I know. I'm sorry. I mean, I, you know, I'm always constantly thinking, you know, do I need to do different? Yeah, you know, reality, I probably don't need to change much. I'm sorry. You know what I love. I love my stepdaughter. I love her. It's like a daughter.

It's not about her. It's not about her. It's happening again. Yeah. I mean, should I walk away? Should I keep fighting? I mean, hey, I'm never going to tell any, you've got to own that choice. I can't be the person who gives you permission to do it. do the next hard, hard thing.

I know. Hearing your story, he's already walked away. He just hasn't moved out yet. Yeah. And maybe that's the language. I would not do what I do if I have not seen incredible marriages come, rise out of ash. But it takes two people choosing, owning we chose misery, and then now choose. that we can own something awesome.

And that's what I want. I want to choose something awesome. I want things to be great. And so I think for you taking a bit of time to drill down as specifically as possible. I mean, I've tried to thought about maybe getting enrolled in some more marriage counseling. No, no, no, not yet, not yet, not yet.

Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Maybe some more individual counseling. No. No. No. You're counseled up right now. Yeah, I've seen enough counselors in my lifetime. I know. I know. You're at a point now where you so lack trust in you. Yeah. That you need somebody else. You need a stranger on a podcast to tell you what's the next move? Yeah. And maybe for the first time in your whole life, I want you to own what you want. I don't think I've ever been able to do that. I know. But I want you to write down on a piece of paper.

Okay. I want you home four nights a week. and we can't talk about money issues until we have a budget that we stick to. Yeah. And if you look in the mirror and you say, actually, I spend $900 a month on restaurants, you're right.

We can both cook dinner together, or we can alternate or I'll take it all. Like, there's some of that reality. Yeah. but there's putting it down on paper and here's what's going to be hard about that when you put it down on paper about what kind of life do you want he might look at that and say I'm not doing that and that's scary

yeah yeah and then I think he'll turn around and say like when do I get to make the list of all the things that, you know, you need to change. Tell them, bring it on. Yeah. But here are the language that's different.

We're not writing down a list of all the things he sucks at and that he needs to make different. No. You're simply taking full ownership of you. I want to be married to someone who likes me and wants to be at home. Yeah. And by the way, I

let me just give you a picture in my house I travel a lot I was just gone for three nights running a marriage retreat here in Nashville and can I tell you the very next morning

I got in a car and I drove to Chicago, Illinois to headline a comedy show in a comedy club all right so my wife even knew me well enough to know that after three weeks three days of intensive marriage mental health emotional health i want my husband home so bad and the greatest gift i can give the next two months is to encourage him to go do something silly and tell some crazy jokes in front of a packed house yeah and so it's not all about like you don't want a guy who's a musician to never go out and play music oh no right i mean i would never I know, and so it's not a matter of, I need you, it is deeper than that.

You would probably be really happy if he played music with his buddies one night and then hung out with his buddies another night. Yeah. But when you are home, the other five nights, I want you fully here and no phones and playing games around the table, boring family stuff. Why? Because I want somebody who will let me love them. I want to feel like I'm the most important person in somebody's world. Yeah, that's what I need. I know. And God help this little girl.

Yeah. His daughter. Yeah, I really. But I don't want you, if you look back on your, just, and again, I'm spitball in here, but I'm just taking some of the words you, used you have a pattern probably since you were a kid of outsourcing your next move and outsourcing blame and I don't want this girl to become the next thing yeah I want you to own I miss my husband yeah been like that all my

life. I know. And I'm giving my wife credit. She knows that a night at the comedy club fills me up. It doesn't take me away. You get the difference? Yeah. I mean, he has band practices here and then he has his gigs and then it's just so much.

But you. every spouse can tell the difference I can tell it when she goes to her book club meetings like it's not to escape her home it's to completely set her insides on fire and fill her up yeah and that is why I love it when she goes and does those things

I don't love it that she's gone I love she's doing those things but I think it's beneath the band practice doesn't sound like he's building towards someone It sounds like he's avoiding everything. Yeah. And now he's got a living babysitter and a living chef. It's the best of both worlds, dude.

I kind of stop cooking. Like, I'm not doing that anymore. I know that sounds weird. No, it makes sense, but it's not helpful. No, I know it's not helpful. Because then it confirms the story he's telling himself, which is she doesn't, or she's always, or, right yeah I guess that's probably right it just gets into a dance where he plays three gigs one week

and then you're like well screw you then I'm here with your daughter I'm not even cooking for you and he gets home and he's like see even on a on a crazy week I get home and I get punished for it so I'm going to book a fourth gig next week and like oh then I'm not doing it just gets in a weird dance and that may be it and that's why you hear me see all the time it shows somebody's got to turn the music off and turn the lights on and that always starts with being really specific. And even if you go first and say, I'm finding myself trying to punish you for being gone,

which I get makes you want to be gone more. I'm not doing that anymore because I don't want to be a person who punishes. You know, that's a really different way to look at it. There's there is a way you can say, I need, I need, I need. And what you're doing is you're taking your autonomy

and dumping it in his gig bag. Yeah. Or you can look at him and say, I want you and I miss you. And I know music's important to you. I know work's important to you. I know this little girl's important to you, but I want to be important to you

above and beyond all of all that. His daughter's a separate thing, but I want you to want to be here. And you have to be reflective. have I contributed to a world where I could see him not wanting to be around? Yeah. And then you get in a chicken or egg context

and at some point it doesn't matter, I'm going to change the way I do what I do. I'm not going to become a person I don't want to become just because of you. That is good. It's good advice. I'm going to send you all three decks of questions for humans for couples.

Oh my God, that would be so fabulous. I just want to get to, I'll send you the intimacy deck too. That's four of them. I just want to get to know you. And by the way, knowing never stops. My wife and I've been through those decks like 20 times and I learn new things because it changes. Yeah, I feel like I have so much to talk about

but I don't have anybody to talk to. Okay. So look at your husband and say, I am lonely. Yeah. Or look at your husband the next time he says, I got a gig and you say, well, actually, I'm going to hang out with my girlfriends. because I'm a woman that has friends

and I'm a woman that goes and gets filled up with my friends so I can come here and be the person that I want to be at my house. Yeah, I do that now. I mean, and a lot of times I go to the gigs and I watch them and I have friends that are there. It's just, you know. But it's lonely.

Yeah, because he's always playing and we're not actually dancing together. That's exactly right. Yeah. Yes. And so it's you taking ownership. and choosing, I'm not going to become somebody I don't want to be. And in order to create an environment where I can more often than not be the person I want to be,

here's what must be true. When I go to your gigs, I'm alone. No, uh, Susan's there and Billy's there. I know, but I want to be with you. And you need to get a babysitter for your dog. because I'm going to go be with so-and-so. I need somebody here to watch her. I know.

You went to court for more time. Cool. And on and on and on. Thank you for the call, sister. I think for the first time I want you to like picture yourself, close your eyes as you start to write and picture yourself growing, standing up tall and growing six feet.

See the shadow with your eyes closed come out from your now, you know, 14 foot. or 13 foot body, I want you to grow tall and then say, as for me inside my own home, here's what I'm going to be, write that stuff down and then invite them in. Here's who I want us to be. Who do you want to be? And that's the point of connection. Also, hang on the line.

I'm going to give you the free marriage app. It's one thing you can each do for each other. It's called Together. You can get it in the Apple Store. It's one thing that you can do for each other every day. It'll text you something. And it'll get to learn you over time. What's one thing you can do every day to slowly lean back together and find each other.

Thanks for the call, sister. Man, that's hard. We come back. A man asks if it's fair to tell his partner that he's losing attraction to her because she's been neglecting her health. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I want to talk about traditions. Traditions are things you do every week or every year, and they can be great, or they can be a heavy obligation.

The holiday season is a great time to reflect on holiday traditions, the valuable ones and the not so valuable ones, and even the painful ones. Therapy can give you space to think about the old traditions that may not be serving you anymore and consider how you might create new ones. And if you're thinking about therapy this holiday season, I want you to call me. my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp has over 30,000 therapists, and they're one of the leading online therapy providers in the world. They're trusted by millions. They have an average rating of 4.9 stars out of five. And BetterHelp is totally online, so it's easy to fit into your busy holiday schedule. To get started, you just answer a few simple questions, and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist who fits your needs. And if it's not the right fit, you can change at any time

for no extra cost. This month, start a new tradition. by taking care of you. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloni. All right, Louisville, Kentucky. Louisville, Kentucky. Let's talk to Jay.

What's up, Jay? How are you doing today, Dr. John? Doing good, brother. How about you? I'm doing just about as good as I could, you know. There you go. What's up? I've been dealing with this,

feeling for a little while now. Me and my ladies one year was just on the first and Oh, you're a lady. I thought you said ladies plural and I was like, dang, Gina. No, no, no, sir. Me and my ladies.

No, me and my lady. Well, my question is... Married or dating? We were dating. Yeah, we've only been together for a year, so yeah, we're dating. You've been dating for a year. Okay, cool.

But we do live with each other. Okay. And we moved in very fast. I'd like to mention that. But anyway, my question is how, not necessarily, yeah, well, I'm losing a traction, John. Say it. Say it out loud.

Just say it. Say it, say it. Okay. She eats poorly. She does not take care of her body. Is she gaining weight? And I'm losing attraction. Of course, John.

Say it. She has gained weight. Okay. How much? so she's always been a slightly larger lady and I was okay with that she knows it's different for me I've always been with generally athletic and skinnier ladies okay and so it is new to me but anyway she's gained probably 20 pounds I want to say maybe 30 okay so are you losing attraction to her because

she's a bigger woman are you losing attraction to her because the person you started dating early on, you're watching that person. Is this a physical thing or is this an emotional thing or is it a combination? It's going to be a bowl. Tell me about the emotional part. It's so, it's so upset into me. I'll be honest. Just let it rip.

I know, no. It's just, I can't stand seeing somebody that I love so dear. just neglect themselves because I know what it does. I've seen what it does over time. And I will say I'm slightly a health buff. I take care of myself. I play sports. I do all this stuff.

And I would like for her to be able to do the thing with me. And I know it's hard for her to do it. And she doesn't want to do it because she feels embarrassed to do it because of her size. And it's, I don't know how. far, how much I can really say in regards to not kind of vulgarities. It's not very

vulgar, but you know what I mean? I don't know how far I can say it. But sex is not the same anymore. I do enjoy it. I've always enjoyed it, and I know she has as well. But it's I can't, John, this is one of the prettiest

women I've ever met and seen in my life. And to see that face and then I don't, this is going to sound so terrible, but it's not meaning, and that, and that, it's not meant to be derogatory. I'm not trying to be mean. I don't want to push my lady down ever, but it's just the way I think. It's what I feel. Um, I just, I can't stand to see her body that way. It bothers me. That's it. Okay. Is it that you can't stand to see her body that way? because it's now got 20 extra pounds on it or is the person that she knows she's becoming causes her to shield herself from you to not be as open with you to hide from you

and it's that is creating that cycle where you start to chase and you start to be like well you know if you just which then sends her to a deeper shame spiral and for her the false comfort at the bottom of a shame spiral is more food or is it simply

when I see her now I'm no longer physically attracted to her I think it's going to be the first one that one definitely almost hit the nail in the head

I don't she's not I don't know how to explain let me say it like this let's take her off because I know what you you're trying to be careful to not say

my girlfriend has gained a bunch of weight and I'm losing attraction to her okay okay you are not crazy and I don't think you're an evil person okay you're attracted to who you're attracted to but what I'm trying to get to the bottom of that attraction can be very shallow yeah and if you are a guy

of which there are millions of them that when their partner ages like a normal body that you're not going to be content with that aesthetically I'm going to tell you to be an honorable person and let this sweet woman go if because this is going to show up with wrinkles this is going to show up with gray hair

this is going to show up with pregnancy scars it's going to show up all over the place and if that's who you are then get out of the dating pool so how can I help you well we

we have spoken about this and she is trying to work with me she once ago she's been going to the gym I just, I don't want to nitpick. I'm having that issue of, because, so just this morning, she texts me and she said,

I went and got me a coffee. I deserved it. And my mom would immediately come to my mind, well, what did you do to deserve it? But then again, I remembered she's at home taking care of things that she's not, it's not obligated to take care of things that I have, happened to mess up at home, and she was taking care of it. So, yeah, maybe she did deserve it.

But it's just so conflicting. It's so weird, and I don't know how to wrap my mind around about it. How, I think it's lack of discipline is what is bothering me, because that's the way I grew up. She grew up very differently. She grew up in a very loosey, goosey house, and I grew up in a very strict and honest and truthful household. And I think a part of it is just being that discipline of saying, hey, I don't need to eat like this. I don't need to drink like this. I don't need to get a coffee every day of the week that, you know, it's not healthy. And I think that's another thing that's bothering me. And I don't want to be like, hey, you don't deserve, you don't deserve that drink. Because no, that's how she, that's how she'll take it.

I just don't know how to voice it to or, hey, maybe a coffee a day is not healthy. It's one of these, it's not just a normal coffee, like a normal coffee. I know, I got you. It's like those Frappuccino things. Yeah, I got you. Yeah, I got you. How old are you? I'm 21.

Okay. She is 20. Okay. So this is, I'm going to say this and it's going to sound mean and derogatory. I want you to hear exactly how I'm saying it, okay? Sure, of course. All right. You're at the age when you're,

you begin to realize a couple of different things. Okay. Number one, the way you did Christmas growing up is a way, not the way. Okay. Number two, the same things that you pride yourself on are probably the things that you had to do to survive in your house. Okay. Yeah. So the things that you're most proud of that you do,

I never miss a workout. I don't, my body fat is 6% and I never need a coffee. I would tell you is probably the things that little nine-year-old kid inside of your chest wishes he could just have an ice cream cone every once in a while. That's exactly, yeah. Okay.

And so often, when there's an exchange, and this is going to sound dramatic and it's going to sound like I'm getting all political, I'm not, when you feel yourself feeling powerful that is often the thing your body trying to protect you from the thing you're most scared about inside your own chest yeah okay and so strangely i would say thank god y'all found each other because i need somebody in my life like my wife who keeps a schedule and who pays bills every month.

And she needs somebody at 9 o'clock to say, hey, I just got tickets last second. We're going to this concert. Let's go. Oh, right? That's it, man. And so the beauty is you will never change somebody's health habits

if they feel like they're doing it out of a place of shame. or out of a place of obligation people will change their health habits when they realize I am worth feeling good yeah and John I've I will say I've been on the other end of the spectrum

in regards to weight of course I used to be overweight that's right and so you know here's the thing you know the pain that she feels and this sounds hard to to hear she has not asked you for your help

yeah I know and there's nothing worse than loving somebody and have having the answer in your in your pocket right yeah and they don't want it the deeper question is how can I love you today

I love her every day John I'm not talking about in an ethos I'm talking about letting her speak into how she wants to be loved and vice versa of course and so for you it's less about I deserve a a frappuccino a 1,400 calorie drink

that costs $9 we don't have that's not the issue that's the symptom the issue is we don't have a shared purpose with our money We don't have a shared purpose with our health goals. Exactly. And so let's get to the bottom of shared purpose, shared values. And I'll also tell you, this is an offensive way to say this.

I know. But when you're 21 and 20 and you're playing house, neither of you have a reason to anchor into the other person. Yes, sir. Because you both still have a foot out the door. Yeah, we both spoke about that, actually, the other night. And so maybe tonight you sit down and say, hey, I've talked to you about what you're eating.

I've talked to you about the right workout plan. I've talked to you about you need to get out and play sports with me. And I've communicated it to you in a way that makes you think, I think you need to do all that stuff because I think you're fat, and that's wrong. Yeah. I miss the spark in the eyes of that girl I met when she was 19. I miss the girl who was alive and laughing

and so full of confidence and beauty radiated from the inside out you put it that way how can I love and find that girl again and maybe if you hold her hands and say honey I'm going to love you 60 pounds from now but I want to be a part of finding that girl again

and I think I may have dimmed your light and I'm sorry I did I did John okay you coming at her with that type of honesty and vulnerability which by the way no man in your life has ever modeled for you it's all new yeah it's all right

but the way you solve problems is with calories and workout plans and activities cool for some people that list is just shame

on top of shame on top of shame I agree I get from your voice that you love this girl sideways is that fair beyond that

of course number one let her know that number two you get to have seasons of not being attracted to each other that's life

of course of course number three if you outsource all that to pornography or something you're going to blow your house up

number four take a knee in front of this woman that you love and say I messed this up man I was trying to tell you I love you

with the only tools I have which are crush it kill it and drag it home and there's another way okay

I want you to feel good and I want to see the light and the eyes of that girl that I fell in love with will you make a budget with me for God's sakes she's been haggling me about doing that

okay be a grown up if you're going to play house be a grown man yeah I know it's It's me. That's what I need to do because, I mean, I can't last, more than what I should. Well, here's the deal.

You ask her, how can I love you? And then say to her, I want to tell you how you can love me. Be honest. Be reflective. Here's where I need to grow up. I'm playing house. I'm playing big boy. I need to act like one, like a grown man.

I need to be a good steward of my money. I need to sometimes just get up and have a Frappuccino, for God's sakes. I need to sometimes I need to just go dancing instead of making you go to the volleyball courts. Sometimes I just need to sit on the couch with you and watch a TV show. Dude, I just got to say it, man.

I'm proud of you for saying, speaking out loud. You had hard stuff to say, but I'm proud of you for having the courage to say it out loud. And I believe you in your guts, man. This isn't just about aesthetics and attraction. This is about a misstatement. the woman I fell in love with, and I think I've contributed to dimming her light, and I want to

not do that anymore. I honor that, my brother. Appreciate you. Thanks for the call, man. We'll be right back. I've got three dogs, and I love them, and this year I'm committed to being better about taking care of them. All of us who have pets that we love need regular vet care. We need to take care of our pets, and it's exhausting, trying to find a veterinarian, Get in line. Dutch has got you. Dutch is the leading telehealth service for pets, and it gives you 24-7 access to licensed veterinarians. Dutch can treat over 150 common pet conditions, and you can get expert care in minutes with no waiting rooms and no long waits. It takes like a 10-minute call from home, and you get a treatment plan. A Dutch membership covers up to five pets, plus unlimited visits,

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and use code Deloney to get 50 bucks off a year of veterinarian care. That's Dutch, D-U-T-C-H.com slash deloni, use code Deloney. All right, Kelly, am I the problem? According to the shirt. No. Yes, you are. She wears that shirt every day now. Every day she wears that shirt.

Probably will. All right, this is from Cindy in... somewhere she didn't say all right from Cindy and she writes glad you read ahead just producing the crap out of this show good job go ahead what happened a new year new John oh it's new year new me

I'm no more of this nice guy stuff I'm sick of it okay all right am I the problem my grown kids and their spouses come over for meals which I love however they stay way too long and way too late am I the problem for wanting to put a time limit on our gathering No, you're the problem for not having put a time limit on them And then they stay too long

And then you're mad at them for it My wife is the best She's like everyone's out of my house at 9 o'clock tonight Before they come over And then about 8.50 she goes, Y'all have 10 minutes left It's awesome And everybody knows it's the best

And by the way, they probably don't want to stay that long They're probably like Whenever I go to my mom's house We have to stay till midnight Because she's just, yes, you're the problem Say the boundary Tadda, what do you think? I totally agree.

Say, hey, it's a work night or whatever. So we're going to... I go to bed at nine. Get out of my house. We have one of our girlfriends that we know if we go to her house at a girl's night, we're all going to be gone by nine. That's my wife. Or she'll just go upstairs, put her job as I and go to bed.

Leave us in there. But we all just know that. I've had that. People at my house, I'm like, hey, y'all lock up. I'm going to bed. Like, just make sure the door's locked. And they literally stay. They'll just like, I don't care.

I'm going to bed. I'm tired. There's a great S&L skit that has. It's about this can't. that you light, it's like rotting trash when you're ready for all the people to go home. It's really great. It's awesome. Yes, just tell people in your life that you love. Like, this is when this is over. And that's fantastic. But you can't, you can't get mad and resent people for boundaries you didn't create, for crossing boundaries you didn't, like, create.

Go to bed, dude. I'd much rather be with somebody who's full in until nine o'clock. then be with somebody who's mad I'm there at 11. Love you guys. Bye.