The Dr. John Delony Show - Is This Relationship Real Or Is He a Love Bomber?

Episode Date: July 9, 2025

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How can you determine the difference between somebody who loves bombing you and somebody that genuinely likes who you are and wants to be with you? Oh, dude. I've got some really firm opinions on this. Did you break up with him or did you just say, hey, let's slow it down a little bit? I guess here's how I classify love bombs is... Yo yo what's up this is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. So grateful you're here. I've got Andrew on the on the internet. Got Ben Hill on the knobs, Kelly 2.0 is keeping this thing going.

If you don't know Kelly 2.0, her Give a Crap runs at 0.0. Have you ever been mad before? Oh, you'll find out. Right now. Yeah, I think Kelly 1.0, she frowns and gets angry. I feel like you smile. I'm still pretty new, so I'm sure it'll wear off eventually. Okay.

So you're just placating me on your drive home. I imagine there's like fingerprints in the steering wheel because you're so angry. Me and Kelly, she got me a voodoo doll. So we have like a whole sisterhood. Kelly just says, I'm angry at me and Kelly. She got me a voodoo doll. So we have like a whole sisterhood. You're yeah Kelly just says I'm angry at you It's kind of all the time But I can see you just stabbing the night the doll on the way home for sure All right. Well, that makes me feel not great. Let's go to Springfield and talk to Nicole. What's up, Nicole?

Hi, how's it going? Dr. John doing? All right lady. What are you doing? Oh Hi, how's it going, Dr. John? Doing all right, lady. What are you doing? Oh, nothing. Living the dream over here. Oh, gosh. Anytime somebody says living the dream, that means things aren't great. What's up?

No, they are. Everything is totally great. But my question for you is how can you determine the difference between somebody who loves bombing you and somebody that genuinely likes who you are and wants to be with you. Oh, dude. I've got some really firm opinions on this, but I want to hear about your experiences. Tell me about them.

Okay. So I was dating this guy for a little over a month and a half and he lived an hour and 45 minutes away from me. So we just kind of saw each other on the weekends. The biggest thing is we had like six dates total. Nothing romantic intimate happened until kind of towards the very end, but it just felt like I was being overwhelmed

with when we were in public, he would hold my hand, kiss me a lot, a lot of affection. And then we kind of just got really deep, really fast in getting to know each other. Of course I played my part. Um, I felt comfortable enough to tell him things that I honestly didn't tell people that I had been with for months or even years, but then it got to a point where it was kind of like everyday reassurance of you're basically the best thing that's happened to me. You fill my cup up.

My cup is overflown. It's just, it was, it felt just like way too much. And then by date four, he told me that he thinks he's falling for me. Would like to kind of move steps forward and be in a relationship, be together and meet my family. And it just, it all felt very very fast. Yeah. Okay, so are you still with this dude? No. Okay, so tell me about... Now I have the opinion that it's like, is everybody doing this? I could tell you. I, well you

can answer this with one answer, you can answer my question with one answer and it will let me know which direction to take. What happened when it fell off a cliff? I had a FaceTime conversation with him and told him, like what specifically happened. Yeah, I wanna know about, either you put a stop to it or he got what he wanted, and I'm not even talking about sexually,

I'm just talking about like, he felt fulfilled and got what he needed from you, either emotionally, physically or both. And then it was like baffled. Or you said like, whoa, enough. And then he just, with the same intensity that he loved you with, he cut you off. So I actually ended it.

And to me, it was just too many days in a row of the same. There were not like extravagant gifts or anything, but him just telling me how perfect I am, not perfect in a sense, but I'm perfect for him. And he's seeing a different side of himself that he's never seen before. And he's telling his family and his family's confused cause they've never seen this side of him. And it just, it just felt like a lot of pressure on me to keep that up. But also, I don't know if you're just like a robot and fake because I didn't

see a bad day from him. He was just always overjoyed. Well, y'all, y'all weren't by each other. This is all an imagination. He's right. He's imagining this. Um, right. How did he respond to you?

Break. Did you, did you break up with him or did you just say, Hey, let's, let's slow it down a little bit? Well, I tried to let's slow it down, but as we kept, it was like a two hour conversation as we kept talking, I was just like, yeah, no, this is too much. We just don't need to go any further. So does he still reach out to you and tell you that you're the one beneath his wings? Nope.

No, he's cut me off. Like he said once, once I say that it's over, he's like, my cutoff game is strong and you won't hear from me. Oh gosh. Like that's okay. Thank you, appreciate that. So I guess here's how I classify love bombs is that somebody is using somebody to feel good about themselves.

And whether that's sexually, whether that's emotionally, whether that's buying gifts, whether that's like what you're mentioning, like, I just need you to know you're the most perfect person. It's somebody trying to get somebody externally to make them feel better internally. And it gets out of control. And it's just like a drug, but it's like a quick burn rate drug. So they say like, man, I like they hold your hand and it's just like a drug but it's a like a quick burn rate drug so they say like man I like they hold your hand and it feels good and it's like I got to put my head on your shoulder and you're like we just met and then it's

the end of the night they're giving you a kiss and like oh my gosh and then like five minutes when you get your car they text you like that was the most fun I've had in a long time I've already texted my friends about it and the next date it's just it's just it's just they're snorting you off a counter, right? And they need more and more and more and more. You get what I'm saying? Yeah. And good for you for within date five or six

being like, whoa, you're an addict. You don't see me. You're using me to try to feel better about yourself. And so- That's definitely how it felt. Yes, so here's what how it felt. Yes. So here's what I would tell you. Trust your intuition.

Now, let's say I'm a hundred percent wrong. And you just met a guy who's just a regular old dude and he fell for you hard. Okay. You feeling uncomfortable is still right. Because your feelings are your feelings, especially when it comes to a romantic interest. So even if he's the best guy of all time, he just felt, he just fell for you hard.

That doesn't mean you have to reciprocate that. So either way, what you felt in that moment, go with it. And I love that you were like, hey, cause let's be honest, you said you did your part too. You liked hanging out with him, right? Absolutely. Absolutely, yeah. I played my part, I felt comfortable around him.

I was telling him things and yeah, then it just got overwhelming and too much for me. And so the fact that you said, hey, we gotta take 30% off, let's dial it down a little bit. In that conversation, he couldn't hear it, wouldn't hear it, wouldn't be like, Hey, I'm not telling you these things because you want to hear them. I'm telling you these things because I want to say them. And when you said, Hey, you saying this all the time is a lot for me to carry

right now, six dates into meeting you. He said, my cutoff game is strong. That just, you totally affirmed your feelings. What he was doing was for him, not for you. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah. No, it absolutely does.

Go with your gut. And here's the deal. If your gut is repeatedly wrong, ask one of your friends to level with you. Yeah. Okay. One of the most important conversations of my life was a couple years into dating the person who's now my wife. We got into it and I asked a buddy like, can you believe she said that? And he was like, yes, you're the worst. And he laid it out for me and I'm so glad he did.

Cause I didn't, I didn't, I didn't know that side of me. I didn't experience that side of me like he did. Like, like my wife, she was my girlfriend at the time. Like she was experiencing it and that was really important feedback. Yeah. And so I walked around feeling self righteous for a minute, but I was way wrong. And so having a friend is always great, but man, you are, you are right on right now. And I think, I think your signal is, Hey, when I sit down and say, hey, the way you are trying

to love me or tell me that you have feelings for me, if I tell you that it's not feeling as good or as safe as you think it does, if you don't immediately go, oh, dude, okay, sorry, sorry, sorry, I'll dial it back. And instead says, no, no, no, no, this is what how this is gonna go You're right on that means you're being used as a Xanax for somebody else Yeah, or cocaine for somebody else one of those two an upper or a downer either way, right? But good for you for figuring that out date six Thank you, I don't normally listen to my gut. So this was a big moment for me.

Do you have some knuckleheads in your past? Absolutely. Well, good. Oh, absolutely. This is Nicole 2.0. This is awesome. Good for you. And can we be honest about one thing before we hang up? Yeah. It's kind of a bummer, huh? Because those were good conversations weren't they? They were. I just feel safe.

For a little bit it felt nice to get things off my chest to somebody other than you know the few people in my life that know what I've been through. So take the, make sure you grieve the entirety of this, both the, ugh, it's got crazy, and the, man, in my next relationship, I'm gonna be able to talk to somebody with that. I like having deep conversations where somebody can hold space for my feelings and stuff.

Yeah. That's a good thing you took away from this thing also, right? Absolutely. No, there were some great things I took away from it. Perfect. Yeah, just wanted to figure out how to decipher between or if I was crazy for cutting it off. Nope. You are, I mean, as far as I'm concerned, I think you're right on, sister.

Good for you. And again, let's pretend he was still wonderful and great and the best of all time. If that's not how you feel safe and you feel loved, you're still right to cut it off. You're right to want to be with who you want to be with. So good for you either way. But yes, I share your sentiment that, whoa, whoa. We come back. A terminally ill man asks how he can leave

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All right, let's go up north to Canada and talk to Lee. What's up, Lee? Hey, how are you, Dr. John? I'm all right, brother. How about you, man? You know what? I am good. Yeah, I just yeah, just have a question here. I was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer about ten months ago. Hold on slow the roll. How are you doing? I'm doing good, man. So I got brain cancer. Geez, man. Yeah, it's been quite the year.

I imagine. Yeah. What's your diagnosis? Yeah. So I have grade three astrocoma brain cancer, which is like a rare brain cancer that they discovered by mistake this last summer, kind of in the middle of summer. I had an accident in an ATV and my head put the windshield out of the ATV so they thought they better scan my head to make sure I'm okay.

And when they did that, all of a sudden they had all kinds of questions about something growing in my head. And so, I'm sorry, dude. They did an MRI and it was, yeah, it's kind of been an interesting year from there. So yeah. Oh, it's been the worst year ever, man. Geez. You know, I feel like we've been through a lot in the last five years. And so this was just something else where it was like, okay, well now we're, God's helping us deal with this. So, so it's been, I don't know, man, I, I don't mind God asking me to deal with stuff. I would prefer that. Not that one. Right.

Jeez. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't something we saw coming for sure. So it was, um, all right. So take me here. Okay. Um, you got kids?

Yes. Yeah. I have three kids. So I have a boy and two girls. My son is 16. My daughter's 14 and my youngest daughter is 11. So, yeah. How long you been married? So yeah. And, um, it'll be 19 years this September. Holy cow. Yep.

And then what kind of timetable they give you? Five to seven years is what they've given me. So yeah, they ended up doing an emergency surgery November the 5th and removed, they were able to get the tumor, but the trouble is, is this brain cancer just keeps growing. So it's, uh, it just pops up. Yeah. It depends on where the next one pops up. Right. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And so, uh, so yeah, I mean, they, they said kind of best case scenario medically is five to seven years. So we, uh, yeah, thankfully we had,

thankfully we had life insurance and everything in place already, so I'm grateful for that. But yeah, it's just been a lot though. I guess more so on the side of the family has been a lot. I feel like honestly, I almost have the easy part of this. And it's tougher for my family, I think, to look at how this looks in that five to seven years and Yeah, so that's so take take me to your wife's asleep there take me to your wife's asleep and your kids are in bed And You're on the couch and the TV is off. You're sitting there in the dark

Because dude, I admire you. I lost a close friend to this. Okay. Okay. And I've been peripherally been down the road and one of my closest, he's a brother, one of my closest friends on planet earth lost his wife to this. And yeah, it's, it's most people that I know, especially those who are diagnosed with terminal cancer get stuck in the position of having to make sure everybody around them is okay.

But I'll cherish some private conversations I had with her that like, yeah, if she lets herself truly absorb it, it's, it's a nightmare. Scary. Yeah. Scary. Yeah, yeah. Take me to the dark. I feel like, yeah, yeah, I feel like for me, where my, like I'm a, I'm a Christian, so it's like I am not, I actually don't have fear of death at all. So that's not, like I can say it, my wife and I both, as we've talked this through, it's like, neither of us are mad at God at all. Honestly, it's like we live in a fallen world and I'm not

shocked at why I can't get cancer just like anybody else. So there's nothing there that I hold against God. But I think the bigger thing that I look at that I struggle with is just looking at my kids as, you know, we have a few family friends that have lost, lost husbands while their kids are still younger. And it's just watching their families, what they went through in that, I guess that's where my struggle is,

is just going like, how do I, how do I set them up for success, even when I might not be here, right? So, and then my wife, and it's like, I, yeah, like we've, and we've my wife and it's like, I, yeah, like we've, and we've been completely open with the kids on everything. Like we haven't hidden anything from them because they're too smart to ignore that something is going on. But, and they've each been processing in different ways.

Like it's, yeah, we'll definitely watch them in process in different ways. And yet I think that they are all, I would say in a good position in terms of just where they're, yeah, I think they're coping as well as they can, I guess I could say. But yeah, so for me that, I guess that's more where my heart has been is just like wanting to know like,

how can I best finish my time on earth in a way that blesses them? And it's like, we run a ministry here and it's been, you know, my board and team have been amazing backing us, but part of this too, I think is also looking going like, how long do I stay in that? And yeah, how long do I stay in that? And when does the point come where it's like, okay, it's time for me to take a step back

from that and just focus on family? So yeah, that's kind of where things are at. Man, you're a special guy, dude. For what it's worth, I'm mad at God on your behalf because you're one of the good guys. And guys like you aren't supposed to get brain cancer and have to leave their kids before they leave the house, right? Right. So, you don't have to.

I told a buddy recently who just lost his, another close friend of mine just lost his wife. I said, he's one of the most kindest guys in the world. And I said, well, I'm going to say a bunch of expletives in my prayers on your behalf then. He started laughing. He goes, well, you get to do that. You can take that up with God yourself.

But on behalf, I mean, man, you're a special man, dude. I guess the three things that are popping in my head right now is this. One is, okay, I'm gonna reverse engineer this for you, okay? Anytime I sit down with somebody who has a timeline and you got a five to seven year, okay? So you and I both know that could be two and a half years or that could be eight, right? Yeah. Who knows?

Yep. And with your particular cancer, it's a whack-a-mole cancer. The next time it pops up could be where, in part of your brain that runs your heart and lungs and that's it, right? Or the next place it pops up is somewhere rather benign and you got another year to go, you get them so you you get just the

God do this the cosmic sick joke this particular cancer is I think Yeah, so I'm gonna reverse engineer it for you and then tell you the three words that are in my head, okay What most people? Most people that I sit down with Have the Most people that I sit down with have the intellectual understanding, but the emotional understanding, they lack an emotional understanding that when somebody says five, let's say it's five years, at year four things are rough. And then things fall fast. Yep. Meaning the last three months of year five are real tough.

Yeah. Right. Yep. And so there's, I think there's this understanding that, oh, I'll cross this finish line here. And I want to move up your finish line a little bit. Okay. Okay. finish line here and I want to move up your finish line a little bit okay okay and so the words in my head are blessing time and making sure your kids aren't carrying this slash they get to carry part of this okay so I'll start with the blessing part.

Whether you can do a video journal or that just becomes a thing that you leave them or which I think in this modern era would be kind of rad or a letter of some sort, making sure that they have documentation of you giving them your blessing. And there's something about a father's blessing for both their daughters and their sons that is it's a puzzle piece into a soul It's a puzzle piece into a heart and I'm firmly convinced that all the single-parent homes we have all over the world

And the absentee fathers, I think we're walking around with a wounded culture because there's so many folks who don't have their dad's blessing. And many dads like don't say, Hey, I want you to know you have my blessing on the life you're living. But they may change the oil, they may like do a side hug. It's not enough. There's got to be like a passing of you have my blessing. Here's what I see in you.

Right, and so if you can do a video of that or recording that and you do a video of like, I don't know, once a month or once a year, there's gonna be some sort of catalog that your kids can go back to, a cornerstone they can touch as they get older, right? And maybe you can do a funny one and, I don't know, run down the 15 questions, make a video for their future spouse one day.

And I mean, just some, you sound like a guy that's got, like I do, just a left of center, like a twisted sense of humor about all this. And so, man, if you did that, that'd be hilarious, man. That could be fun. The second one is time and that is I would set up regularly scheduled intervals with each of them. Whether that's a breakfast, whether that's a lunch, whether that's a week a monthly or whatever. I want them to feel like I got laser beam time with dad. It may not be as much as I wanted, but when I got it, it was intense.

It was just us. Right. And ask them regularly, what are you most scared of right now? What are you most happy about right now? And you go first. Here's what I'm most scared about. Here's what I'm most scared about. Here's what I'm most happy about. Okay.

Yeah. And they're going to get a ringside seat, a model for how to grieve well and how to live well and a lost art in our culture, how to die well. Yeah. Yup. We don't have that. And then the last one is dude, I want them to see you love your wife to the freaking moon and back Yeah, yep Yeah

How's she doing with all this It's It's day to day. Like there's, um, like we weren't sure I'd wake up the same person after brain surgery because of where the tumor was and everything. Um, so I mean, my memory is not what it used to be, but other than that, I would say I'm generally the same to have to sleep more. But yeah, like there's been a lot of just scary things through this, I guess, for her,

where it was just like, she wasn't sure if I'd wake up the same, kind of had to talk that through to our kids too, just on like, we don't know, there's a lot of risk in this. kids do just on like, we don't know. There's a lot of risk in this, you know, going through, like I went through six weeks of chemo and radiation together.

And then I'm still in radio chemo for the rest of the year here. But that has an effect as well on me. So like just kind of learning some of those things. But she, I think she's, yeah, like it's honestly a scary times. Like we've had, we had a, yeah, like I think like most couples,

we always talked about retirement as being a time that we could kind of pick what we got to do together. And all of a sudden that's changed and it's like, okay, how do we start doing some of that now? And- I love that. And then going back to- Yeah, go ahead.

I realized I told you there was three things and I gave you four. I need you to say something out loud for me, okay? All right. Say these words for me. You don't have to believe them. I just want you to have said them, okay? Okay. I have brain cancer.

I have brain cancer. And I am not a burden on my family. And I am not a burden on my family And I'm not a burden on family, okay You're a blessing to your family Sounds like you've modeled what living well looks like you're modeling in an amazing way What dying well is gonna look like you got life insurance, right? This isn't all just hocus pocus. You've done the Your wife's gonna have a isn't gonna have to go to work on Monday after your funeral, right?

Right, right, yeah. So you get to be sad, y'all get to be sad. And here's the fourth thing that I mentioned earlier. I want you to model for your kids, hey, this chemo sucks, this hurts, I'm nervous, I'm scared. And I want you to not let them feel like they've got to keep you propped up and Right when they go into caretaker mode let them because it's gonna be a great gift for them and your wife. Okay

Okay, it's a both and all right there will come days when you can't get out of bed and They say dad you need anything and I want you to be able to say, you know what I'd love to do? Borrow your nervous system for about 30 minutes. Will you cuddle up on the couch next to me? We can watch the office reruns or something. It'll give them a job. Yeah.

And more importantly, that job is like them, themselves. Right? Not like a, like, can you get me a glass of water? Sure, anybody can get you a glass of water. But when your daughter walks in and you say, dude, 30 minutes, I need 30 minutes of who, like Susan hugs right now. That's what makes me feel better than any of my medicine.

And give her an opportunity to not carry all of it, but carry a little bit of it, okay? Okay, sure. And it takes away a teeny tiny little bit of the powerlessness that all your kids feel right now. Right. Right. Or if you give them a job, y'all need to write me a letter once a month. Get on it, kids. Then what you're going to do is you're going to give them an opportunity to process this thing in real time with you.

And 10 years from now, 15 years from now, that would be such a blessing. Here's what we don't want them to do. I don't want them to feel crazy for feeling as crazy as they're gonna feel. Right. I want mom to demonstrate, this is what I'm feeling crazy. I want you to demonstrate I'm feeling crazy.

I'm feeling sad, mom's feeling, and I want you to give words and names to their feelings so that they don't feel insane and, yeah, let them do stuff for you. Okay. Yeah. Can I just say this dad to dad? I'm sorry, man. Thank you. Yeah.

Yeah. We, uh, what a surreal year. See this one coming? Yeah. Yep. And I hate to say it this way, but only people who are sitting in your seat understand what I'm about to say is not me being sarcastic or anything. Usually people who are not in your seat will go, Oh my gosh, I can't believe you just said that. But I'm only saying this because I've sat with too many people in your situation. Thank God for car wreck, huh? Yeah.

Oh, a hundred percent. Isn't that wild? Thank God for the ATV wreck. Thank God for the MRI. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. These last four years are going to have a lot more laser focus on them, huh?

Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. All right, brother. Hey, listen, you call me anytime over the next, hopefully you got a decade left and man, if we could keep punting this thing a little bit further down the road, who knows what AI is going to kick up and maybe they'll solve some of this nonsense. But you call me anytime, your wife call me anytime, your kids call me anytime and I'll walk with you any way I can okay brother

It sounds good. Thank you so much. All right blessings good man. All right We There are some people you talk to that just are special and they shine a light for all of us on The art of living well the art of loving well and in this man us on the art of living well, the art of loving well, and in this man's case, the art of dying well. And man, I hope when my time comes, I have that kind of spirit. We come back, a man asks how to help stop this child's violent outburst. I love Cozy Earth.

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sheets, the apparel and more. Don't forget, this deal ends on July 13th. Sleep cooler, lounge lighter and stay cozy with Cozy Earth. All right, let's go to Minnesota and talk to John. Hey John, what's up? Hi John, how are you? I'm doing all right brother, how about you? I'm pretty good, grateful to be talking to John. Hey John, what's up? Hi John, how are you? I'm doing alright brother, how about you? I'm pretty good, grateful to be talking to you.

You too man. What's going on? I have an 11 year old daughter and she has these violent episodes. They can last for hours. And she's growing up, she's getting bigger and I don't know how to keep my family safe at this point including her and I don't know what to do next. I don't know where to, when it's too much. Give me a picture of what a regular violent outburst looks like.

Yeah, so pretty much anything or nothing can set something like this off. And like last night, we were just hanging out and I was getting some tea for her and one of my little boys said something that upset her and she struck me in the back of the head a few times as I was sitting at the kitchen table. Um, and at this point I'm, I'm the only one who's big enough to, um, kind of keep

everybody safe, but I also have a big problem with restraining her, touching her in any kind of physical way in these situations. How come? I mean, she's my little girl and I never wanted, like I've never hurt her, never spanked her, never laid a hand on her. But she's really aggressive and she's, she's hit everybody in our family.

She's punched my wife in the face. She's tried to punch me. And I want to keep her safe. I want to keep everybody safe, but it's too much for us now. And I don't know where to go from here. So, there's, I mean, this is tough for me in this situation because I'm not with her and you and I would need to do like a pretty long history, a timeline, an escalation timeline, all that to learn more about this, but I'm going to throw a few things out there, okay,

just to give you some general direction, all right? Yeah. I first, again, I've talked about this in recent shows, I always want to start from a place and I may not stay here very long shows. I always want to start from a place, and I may not stay here very long, but I always want to start from a place of what if my kid's body, whether they're anxious, whether they're having outbursts, whether they're highly charged and emotional, whether they're depressed or they have depression symptoms, what if their body is working perfectly? What is their body trying to protect them from?

That's always where I wanna start, okay? Number two, you can't hit. There's a line that gets crossed and often, oh, I mean, who knows the diagnostic stuff here, right? So she needs to get an evaluation. We'll talk to that in a second. But I like the second tier where my colleague, diagnostic stuff here, right? So that she needs to get an evaluation. We'll talk to that in a second, but I like the second tier where doctor my colleague. Dr. Becky Kennedy starts which is

often emotional outbursts are Really a lack of skills Hmm. It's no kid wants to be hitting their family members But these emotions get so hypercharged and there's not a skillset to deal with them. And they just explode out. And so there's something about sitting with kids and teaching them skills.

But the next part of that is, and again, anytime I ask parents this, I always wanna preface it. This is hard on the phone, it's different in person. But my bigger question would be, tell me about the environment of your home. Is your marriage good? Do y'all squash your feelings in your house? Do you let kids just run amok? I mean, it sounds like this has been going on and on and you don't want to cut her off or

take her on. And now you just got a kid who feels like she's out of control. And really the greatest thing she could get was some really firm boundaries from dad, from mom. But tell me about the environment in the home. The thing is, it's good. We have a really special thing going. She's got two little brothers who are, yeah, they're little brothers and they're annoying sometimes,

but they're good boys. My marriage with my wife is good. She's a very special woman. My daughter is a very special girl. Outside the home, she's good. She's well liked, she's well loved. This stuff doesn't happen in other contexts. And there have been a couple of times

where I've really been able to kind of like walk with her through one of these episodes, like two times out of a thousand, where we can talk about like, what, like, where do you feel it? And like, just breathe and really, really take that long breath. And, um, I've been able to get through it with her sometimes, a couple of times. Um, but usually there's, there's no getting through there. It's like, I guess anything's possible, but I'm 99.9% certain she's never suffered

any kind of abuse. Okay. Well, let's don't go even that serious. I mean, that's definitely a question I wanna ask. Is she safe in school? Is she getting bullied a lot in school or whatever? How big's the gap between her and her brothers? Her brothers are eight and six.

How old is she? She's 11. Okay. So that really wouldn't fit with where I was going. Where I was going with is if she was five or she was six and she had all of you guys, you and your wife herself and then these two knuckleheaded boys came along, is she still wrestling with her place in the house? I think there's probably some of that. Okay. There's probably some of that. But it's not easy being a kid. It's not easy being the oldest.

But we really try to make each one of them feel special and loved. But one of the most ways you can give an older kid that sense of purpose and that sense of feeling loved is giving them a job. One of the most important things I learned in grad school was telling the oldest kid, hey, this is your brother. Yeah.

And when this is your brother, you have responsibilities because your brother needs you. And there's kids are so desperate for autonomy and for a purpose for a job that getting that is so powerful. And of course they get annoyed with it and they get resentful and blah, blah, blah, but they're kids. Right. Um, I guess the, the, the, the biggest question mark over my head is this is very context specific. Yeah. Cause she's not out of control at school. She's not out of control at church. She's not out of control on sports teams.

She just comes home and kind of loses it. Yeah. Okay. Have you taken her to see a psychologist? We're waiting on like a psyche though. She's been in therapy before for a couple of years. But we were around like a six month waiting list to get an intake for like a real assessment. Okay.

What does her therapist say? I don't like that she's been in therapy for two years and this thing is escalating and escalating and escalating and there's not a joint conversation happening. Like what's the therapist saying? She doesn't have a lot to say. She's, we've sat down with her several times and asked like, where, where's like, what's going on?

And her, her response is kind of like, some kids are like this. Um, you know, some kids have a lot of anxiety. Um, she's, she's worked on skills. She's described what they're working on in terms of like self soothing and stuff. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Yeah. How old is this girl?

11. Has she brought you and your wife in to work on these skills together and run scenarios together? Not all of us together, no. Okay, there's something about the matrix there. There's some kind of alchemy there that makes her body feel unsafe and out of control.

And I guess what I would tell you is after two years of just sitting here and talking about it, if that's not improving and in fact, it's the trend line is the other way, then I want to advocate on my daughter's behalf in a really direct way. Meaning it's not good enough. I just, man, that just makes my skin crawl that some kids are just like this, dude What a defeated hopeless sense, right?

Yeah Kids are kids and they are put into multiple different environments in context where they have got multiple different demands and all like you said It's hard man. It's hard being a kid, especially a kid that feels like I don't have the skills to enter into this situation. But also no kid wants to hit their dad a whole bunch of time. You know what I mean? Yeah. But you need to hear from me. You have not only every right, it's a gift to her

to protect her from getting that far out of control. Yeah. And I try to like escalate that before it gets to that point, but it's just like the switch. And there's some- What happens after she hit you a few times, what did you do? the switch and. What happens after she hit you a few times, what did you do? I said, Hey, you need to take a break. Like that's not okay.

But she won't take a break at that point. Like she won't leave the situation, do something different. I know, but she's 11. She needs an adult sometimes to pick her up and take her out of the situation. Yeah, and I guess that's like what I've been doing. I take her to her room and sit with her or have to

restrain her and like she'll continue to try to physically attack me for hours. And I don't know what to do with that part of it. Yeah, this is way over my skis, man. You're going to have to find a different therapist in your town because the one you have is useless. I get that powerlessness feeling that you have. I can't solve this one over the phone. I'm wondering if she's got some severe psychiatric challenges. Because I do know it's not uncommon for kids

to hit somebody, to strike somebody. And then when a parent picks them up and takes them away and sits with them in their room for the next hour, the kid's nervous system got exactly what it needed, which was a regulated adult. I feel safe. Yeah. And, but it's, it's not quote unquote, some kids are just like that.

Some kids, it's not normal to hit a parent or hit a younger sibling multiple times, get forcibly carried out of a room and say, we do, you cannot hit. And they continue to try to fight you for hours. That's not normal. Yeah. Okay. So the context dependency is really important as well. So there's something going on there.

And sitting down with a psychologist or a different therapist and saying, my kid is an angel over here, kids an angel over here, and my kid is violent and unsafe and a switch flips and there's something about our home that's setting her off and we've got to get this under control because my house is not safe. Yeah. And you're confident that she has a good safe relationship with your wife? Yeah. And you're confident that she has a good safe relationship with your wife?

Yeah. Yeah. You're on the shadow of a doubt. Okay. And you're confident she has a good safe relationship with her brothers? I am. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Something is not lining up for me and I can't do this one over the phone. I couldn't do this one in person. I'm not trained beyond this. Other than to let you know there's some, yeah, there's something pretty severe and you're not crazy and what your family needs. Because here's what I don't want you to do.

I don't want you to lose your sons in the process either. And I don't want you to lose your marriage in the process either. And can I just say this? You answered all my hard questions. Yeah. I'm almost confident that you go to bed every night looking in the mirror with tired eyes and bags under your eyes thinking I'm failing confident that you go to bed every night looking in the mirror with tired eyes

and bags under your eyes thinking, I'm failing as a dad and I want you to let you know this isn't normal and you're doing the best you can and I'm proud of you, okay? Thank you. I appreciate it. Every dad wants to just have a little girl that's just awesome and safe and funny and snuggly and all those things, and powerful and loud and tough and all those things and this is scary okay yeah and even if you can everyone's gonna look in the mirror and put your fist in your

chest and just say I'm doing the best I can thank you okay. Okay. I will. Yeah. All right, man. Dude, thanks for the call, brother. Oh, it's tough, tough, tough, tough, tough. Yeah. Get on the phone today and make some more calls. And I hate that for your psyche valve. That's just the state of mental health care in our country right now that you may, may, may, I guess school might be out, but you may be able to fast track one through the school system and get a psyche valve that way It just depends on where you live and oh man what a mess that is but I hate that for you But yeah transfer over and you may go check out her her primary care physician and see if there's some additional help there They often just want to throw tranks at it or something

And so it just I mean it just it just depends. There's so much, so many variables here, but I guess the best I can tell you is, man, she's lucky to have you as a dad, trying to love her the best you can in a really messy situation. Call anytime, brother. Call anytime. We'll be right back.

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question that a real person left at our money marriage marriage retreat back in February. The question is what can I do to help my spouse feel safe talking about sex and intimacy? I've got a lot, I'd have a lot of follow-up questions here. The questions on the top of my head are, what is her history with talking about sex? Was it something you just did not talk about in her home? Only bad boys or girls talked about sex? He shamed for talking about sex or making a joke when he was a kid?

Just what was the atmosphere this person, I don't know if this is male or female, grew up with? That's number one. Number two, is there a sense of, I'm not good at sex, you've had so much more experience than I have, if there's some level of I feel inadequate or I don't even know what I'm talking about. And this often happens when one partner's experienced in sex and one's not, and someone just feels dumb.

And so I just don't wanna say anything, none of us wanna feel dumb. And so I just wanna talk about it. What can I do? What I have found and this reason I made these cards is I made an intimacy deck and it's not a sex deck. There's questions about sex in it, but there's broader questions about it too. Is to get something like questions for humans, something like some sort of external

questioned card game, some sort of, here's 20 questions, here's whatever, that allows the question, the card becomes the awkward thing. The card becomes, like you didn't ask the question, the card did, and it allows us to move over the shame or the blame and be like, oh my gosh, I can't believe that card asked that. Here's the answer, right? And it just, it frees you. And that's, I mean, that is

the reason I made those cards is to help facilitate conversations and take some of the pressure off. Um, I guess the last thing I would say is a modified Delony erotic envelope system, which by the way, that doesn't exist. I just made that up. When couples are talking about how do we begin practicing desire or reestablish, we got two kids and we're thinking about a third,

but we're bored with our sex life or we don't even have sex anymore or we have sex every once in a while, just survival sex, but we don't have any intimacy in our house. We don't have any like any arrows or any play or any like any of that kind of stuff. Just getting an envelope and one partner writes down 10 things they want to try. It could be a position. It could be a conversation.

It could just be anything. And the other partner writes down 10 and then once a week, once a month, whenever you just put on the calendar and you draw one and you just got to commit to either A, trying it out, giving it a shot and you're leading with laughter, you're leading with curiosity, you're leading with, I don't even know how this is physically possible, but or you're leading with, all right, this doesn't even sound appealing. Tell me about why this feels appealing or why this sounds appealing And it just becomes a way to go again to go I don't know it's in the envelope and it just adds a little bit of diversion away from the intensity of saying I really want To try X Y and Z. It's just easier to read it off a card sometimes but a modified version of that would be

Put in ten questions You have about sex and intimacy, put 10 questions you have, and we're not gonna actually do the thing, we're just gonna draw it out and talk about it over dinner somewhere. And for some people, this is just such a sensitive topic. And millions and millions and millions of newlyweds, young married couples, people have been married

for 20 years, there's so much shame associated with sex, so much shame with even talking about it, even discussing it, even having questions about it, that having some sort of environment where it's okay to talk about it, this is hard, man. So having some sort of envelope game, card game, and again, all we're trying to do is divert the gaze just a little bit and make it the cards fault, make it the

envelopes question, not your question, right? Even if you know, I know you wrote that it still just has a little bit of a of a numbing effect. It just stands off the rough edges a little bit. And then I guess the final final final thing I would say is if you are someone might not feel safe talking about sex and intimacy, if you have, as their partner, have made it not safe, if you make fun of them, if you mock them for what they do or don't know for their over experience or lack of experience, if you force yourself on them or you make demands of them that they're uncomfortable with

That can just cloud the entire conversation around being erotic around sex or on intimacy around all that stuff, so Look in the mirror and say am I contributing to this so I'm making it awkward Am I throwing all this stuff at my partner that they can't hold right now? And ask yourself that conversation too. But that's a few of my ideas on what you can do to help your spouse feel a little bit more safe talking about sex and intimacy. That's a tough one, man or woman.

I don't even know who asked this question, but I will say this. If you all can come up with a way that you can talk about it laugh about it explore it be curious about it and it makes for one adventurous playful fun safe marriage. Thanks for the question. Love you guys. Stay out of trouble. Bye.