The Dr. John Delony Show - Is Work Life Balance a Real Thing?

Episode Date: December 9, 2022

On this episode, we hear from: - A man who continually finds himself burned out, bitter and dreading work - A mom unsure of how to help her young son whose anxiety manifests in headaches - A husband frustrated that his wife continues to struggle with his “past” porn addiction Lyrics of the Day: "Lose Yourself" - Eminem  Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I had a situation in my marriage. I like fell back into porn. Tried to explain it to her. I was like, I don't know why, you know, I'm just this little rubber band and I keep snapping back and I tried to cut it. I'm absolutely terrified of falling back.

I know, but not terrified enough to do something. You're just sitting there being terrified. Woo! of falling back. I know, but not terrified enough to do something. You're just sitting there being terrified. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. And why are we yelling? I don't know. It's a good day. Having a good day. Hope you're having a good day wherever you happen to be. You've survived Thanksgiving. You're a few weeks out from Christmas. And hey, let's be super realistic. For some of you, this is your favorite time of the year. It's incredible. Some of you, this is not. This is a really tough season. You looked over and saw an empty seat at Thanksgiving table, and you are anticipating there being a few Christmas presents, few are under the tree because someone you love is not there anymore

Um, or you have to deal with in-laws or family or parents or whoever that have caused you a lot of grief Wherever you happen to be don't forget You're worth taking care of this holiday season. You're worth Laughing you're worth having boundaries and taking care of yourself. Take care of yourself. Take care of yourself Okay, make sure you love yourself during this holiday season You're worth having boundaries and taking care of yourself. Take care of yourself. Take care of yourself. Okay? Make sure you love yourself during this holiday season. And honestly, the best way we can love ourselves during the season is to make sure we got friends around us.

Make sure we are serving other people. Make sure we're taking care of our bodies. Like sleeping, eating right, moving. Even though it's freezing outside. Do those things. Get in sunlight when you can. Take care of yourself. Take care of yourself. And if this is your favorite time of year, well, phooey on you. I'm just kidding. I love it too. All right. Hey, I had a note. Let me pull up my internet papers here. Internet papers. Is that

a thing? I don't think that's a thing. I think those are polar opposites. I think the internet came to replace paper. Way to go, internets. So I got a – some guy's wife, Laura, slid into my DMs, and she said – I said that badly. I told you to stop saying that. I said it bad. I didn't mean to – I meant to say it, but I didn't mean it to be grody. But it did make me laugh. So this incredible listener sent me a direct message on Instagrams. And she said her husband is – made some incredible life changes, but a big message on Instagrams. And she said her husband is made some incredible life

changes, but big fan of the show and that they read on your past change your future together. And that he is making some major break the cycle changes. And she wanted to know if I would be able to autograph a book and send it for Christmas. And I said, yes. And let's, let's one up that let's one-up that. Let's give this dude a call. And so I'm going to give him a buzz. I'm going to give David a call. So hang on one second.

I'm going to dial the number up. What if he doesn't answer? This is David. Hey, David. Yes. This is John from the Dr. John Deloney Show, man. What are you doing? Are you kidding me?

No, man. This is me. What are you doing? Dude, I'm working. Why are you doing that? Oh, because it's Monday? That's why. It's a good idea. Hey, are things going well?

Oh, dude, they're going amazing. Hey, so this is kind of tripping you out. And I know that. So I haven't used your last name and I'm recording this. You can tell me off air. Hey, you can't use this. But here's what I want to let you know. Your wife reached out and she's awesome. In a nutshell, she said that you have been on a journey the last few years and have been about breaking some major cycles in that she is so freaking proud of you.

And she asked if I would send an autographed book she wanted to give to you for Christmas. And so I was like, absolutely. But more than that, I wanted to just to talk to a fellow guy who's trying to figure it out like me and let you know that I'm really grateful to know there's guys like you out there grinding it and determined to make what comes next better than what happened in the past. And so I just want to give you a shout out, dude, and tell you I love you and I'm grateful for you, man. Oh, my word. Are you kidding me? Thank you so much, man. So tell me about what you've been working on.

I've been working on trying to change my family tree, sir. What's that mean? Um, just, just being present, just, just making a decision. And like you said, and like you advise giving myself grace to practice it. What's the, what's the, what's probably the number one thing you're working on practicing right now? That I need to be whole to be a good husband, that I need to

take care of me and it's okay to take care of yourself. Um, and I do it by not comparing myself to others, but to comparing myself to who I was yesterday. Bro, dude, that's amazing. And you married well? You did good? Oh, my word. I married an amazing, redheaded, beautiful Midwest gal. And then you drug her to California, man.

What are you doing? Yeah. I think it hit us when we parked the U-haul in california and we looked at each other you know as you would say not not by my hand but in my lap there you go there's a great song by one of my favorite bands ever social distortion called bakersfield you should check it out um okay the whole song is about wanting to get home and we're stuck in bakersfield and it just seems to never end but to everyone listening to bakersfield and it just seems to never end. But to everyone listening in Bakersfield, we love you.

It's cool. It's a great farming community there in California. But hey, in all seriousness, I'm truly grateful for you. I want you to hang on the line so that Jenna can get your info

and I'll send you and Laura some stuff just as a gift just for saying thank you for being one of those men in the world who are making some changes.

Is that awesome? I appreciate that. You guys going to have a good holiday season? Oh, man, we're going to have a great holiday season. And, sir, I'm going to send you an email to keep me accountable because I'm trying to do a half marathon this year or early May. Dude, attaboy, man. Get on it then. Yes, sir.

Hey, we'll post your picture when you cross the finish line. Is that cool? Oh, dude, are you kidding me? Yes. But hey, we're going to have, Laura's going to send a picture of you just eating nachos on the couch if you don't end up running, okay? Either way, a picture of you is getting posted.

You get to pick which one it is, all right? But hey, I'm grateful for you, my man. And thanks for letting us shout you out on the air here. It's awesome. This is David from California and his awesome wife, Laura, who didn't slide into my DM. She just sent me a message. Breaking the cycle changes.

It's incredible. And hey, right now at johndeloney.com, own your past, change your future, redefining anxiety, all the questions for humans cards, man. They are on super sale for the holidays. Go pick them up. If you've got some books you want to pass out to some of your friends and family over Christmas, that's fantastic. If you want to learn how to talk to your kids again,

or people at work, or you just want to survive the holidays without talking about COVID and the elections. Oh, geez. Hey, go over to johndeloney.com and pick those things up. All right, let's go to Patrick in Salem, Virginia. What's up, Patrick? Hey, John. Thank you for having me on. You got it, man.

Thanks for hanging out. You get to see how the sausage is made. If you call into the show and just we put you on hold for a while, or I think we called you and put you on hold for a while, you get to hear what a disaster I am behind the scenes right oh it's all good thank thank goodness for editing right oh you have no idea man you have no idea um so what's up

um so my question is um how do I have a healthy relationship with work and uh there's a kind of a long backstory to that, that we can kind of dig through a little bit, but, uh, long story short, I tend to get into this cycle where I'm super excited about a job. I love the new career opportunity. And then like six months into it, I'm like, eh, this is awful. I don't like this anymore. And then I get burned out, um, frustrated. And then I, I tap out and leave. Um leave I'm really tired of that cycle and I want to break out of it but I don't really know how oh man

how old are you? I'm 26 okay this is one of those rare moments in my life when I get to talk to a 26 year old me okay and I have in my life when I get to talk to 26 year old me. Okay.

And I have, oh my gosh, man, I can get pretty emotional about this. I'm going to give you like a conversation direct from my heart. Is that cool? Yep. That works for me. Because I'm talking to myself at 26. 26 is when I got my first big fancy job at a university. And I think it was three or four months in that I started applying for another job and then for another one and then for another one.

And then I got so obsessed with applying for other jobs. And then I finally got one. And then I got there and within five to six months, I was already applying for something else. And then I was looking for something else. I was looking for something else, right? And then I finally got one. And then I got there and within five to six months, I was already applying for something else. And then I was looking for something else. I was looking for something else, right? And then I ended up imploding. In counseling, we call it the tyranny of accomplishing all of your dreams. And the problem is you are looking for somewhere, something to make you feel like you are worth being alive. And that thing doesn't exist. Whether that's a new romantic partner, whether that's a new car,

whether that's a new job. And you show up with the best of intentions because this is going to be the one and you get after it and you realize right when you get there that you went with you. Right? Yeah. Yep. And you get bored. And you get there that you went with you, right? Yeah. Yep. And you get bored and you get annoyed. And so tell me if I'm wrong here and man, feel free to tell me I'm wrong.

Here was my special gift. You ready? I would get bored. Not bored. That's not right. I would get disillusioned. I thought it would feel different making X amount of dollars. I thought it would feel different having such and such title I thought it would feel different having these type of meetings or being included at this level instead of that level, right? yeah, and so what I would do is I would begin to slowly make the people around me my enemy and i would get annoyed by their jokes that weren't very funny or i would find one little place where i thought i wouldn't handle it like that i would do it like this or if there was i wouldn't say a moral black and white failure there's all obviously those but

they're gray and i would make the gray super black and white so that I could begin to create space, giving me permission to leave with my head held high because I am this martyr here making this big right decision and I'm out of here and I'm going to the next thing. Yep. You must have had somebody following me for the last six years because that's pretty much exactly it. No, I'm just recounting my life. I'm recounting my life. So there's a couple of things at play here. But ultimately, it starts with an identity shift.

Okay, here's a couple of the major identity shifts I'm going to make. One of them came from a mentor of mine. I consider him one of the smartest, most brilliant, wise minds I've ever had the opportunity to be in contact with. And I consider him a spiritual mentor. He's someone I have gone to in the past for quandaries about ethical and moral decisions in my life. He posed this question one time, and it was kind of like a dagger to me. He said, what if you lived your life like you would never move, like you couldn't ever move? What conversations would you have then? What would you do to improve the relationships in

your life? What would you do to change the way you presented yourself at work and in your marriage and in your neighborhood? Because if we are at your church, right? Because if it's always like, I don't like it, I'm out of here. Then we are never going to be settled. And so when I took this job, my current one, I made a choice. I'm going to be here. And so I can honestly say for the first time in my life, I have not applied for another job since I've been here. Okay. Right. It's a choice I made. It's an identity. I'm going to be here. Now there may come a day

when I got to go or I get more likely I get asked to leave. Um, but I am, I am going to put both of my feet here. And what that's meant is I've had to seek validation, seek well-being, seek wellness elsewhere. That means that I've had to make peace with me. And that has sucked. And that has meant I've had to have some very difficult and challenging conversations with my wife. I've had to become a different dad. I've had to go to counseling. I've had a coach that I've met with regularly just to walk through different decisions and thought processes. I've had to really become laser disciplined with my exercise and diet. I've had to do a lot of internal work and make some major changes

in my life. I've had to really get serious about my spiritual life. I've had to just make some internal changes because I'm not relying on some external job to try to make me whole because it can't do that. Does that make sense? That makes perfect sense. So what job are you doing right now? So currently I'm a package handler for FedEx. Okay. And tomorrow I start orientation for a checker position at Coca-Cola. Oh, so you've already quit that job and you're on to the next?

It's a part-time job. So it's not paying me enough to pay the mortgage. So I got to do something else. Um, are you married? So yeah, I'm, I am married. Yes. You have little ones? Uh, no kids yet. Has your wife started getting that exhale when you come home with a new scheme or a new plan or a new reason why you got to leave this job? Um, we haven't hit that point yet with this job. Um, no, no, no. I'm talking about, she's been with you for six years. Oh yeah. Yeah. No, that was a kind of big, big conversation we were having about a year and a

half ago. Let me tell you why that's devastating. This is devastating to her. And I don't want to guilt you or shame you, but I just want to paint you a bigger picture because right now, all you're doing is staring at your belly button, and I know because I was there. She's also wondering, what about me? When does he wake up and get bored with me? When does he wake up and decide

he needs another one of me too? And if you're being honest, you've had that thought as well And she can feel it on you Fair? I mean I Fair?

I haven't quite had that thought But I can see how it could lead there Yes That was the most You were Sheesh Okay

I'll give you that one But you know I didn't realize how unsettled, how every time my wife started to put roots in the ground, I would cut, I would sever them. And for me, looking for another job, looking for another place, looking for another opportunity was sport. For her, it was just ripping the plant out of the pot again ripping the plant out of the pot again i didn't realize how hard her heart was pumping every day just to try to have some semblance of normalcy because she didn't know where her flighty flaky husband was going to drag her off to next either emotionally or spiritually or actually like let's move this from this city and go somewhere else. And so that same thing I'm putting out on your wife that I did to my wife, it's happening to you too.

And so the first thing, what you do is to resettle your identity. I'm going to be a guy who sticks around. I'm going to be a guy that uses that all that energy to, I'm out of here. I'm looking for a new job. I'm going to use that energy to be the best freaking employee in this whole company. I'm going to work to satisfy this mission and try that for six months. Go all in. This company went all in on you. Go all in back. Give them that much dignity and respect for six months and see if it doesn't change your entire well-being and if you've created a life for yourself that you can't afford whether it's a mortgage whether it's car payments whether it's whatever it is your body is going to respond anxiously all of

the time and you're going to be trying to solve that anxiety everywhere have Have you done that? Yeah. I, I get into that. Um, I get into those thought processes and it's like, Oh, I can start this business or I'm like constantly looking for stuff on the side of the road that I can pick up and sell for 20 bucks. And, but is that because you've created a life for yourself that you can't afford? We can afford our, um, our lifestyle. The mortgage is really the only debt that we have. I'm still paying off a little bit of school from when I got my, my CDL license. Um, but as far as like, we're going to lose everything in the next 30 days, if I don't get a paycheck, um, it's not quite to that point. Okay. That means your body is running hot right now,

trying to keep you guys safe. So I want you to hang on the line. I'm going to send you for free one year of Ramsey Plus. That's my parent company. That's where I work here. And I'm going to give you all the lessons to pay off all those debts, but more importantly, to give you and your wife an avenue for conversation about who you're going to be as a couple, how you're going to spend money, how you're going to budget, how you're going to work together. And that when you, when you go through a process, just how are we going to spend our money? How are we going to join bank accounts? If you haven't done that already, that happens today.

How do we become one in this deal? Then you have to start planning about what tomorrow looks like. And when you start planning about what tomorrow looks like, you have to decide things like what job are you going to do and where are you going to work and who do you want to be and what do you want to do? Does that make sense? Yep. That makes perfect sense. You guys got to have those conversations. Your wife deserves some stability, man. And you do too. Yeah. And what's your long-term play, man? What do you want to do? What's your purpose? Who do you want to serve? Well, your purpose? Who do you want to serve? Ultimately, I want to serve my creator and my savior.

That's my number one goal. What does that look like as a job? I have not a clue. I worked in the golf industry as a golf professional. I worked as a mason. I worked as an electrician. I was a truck driver. I've been all over the map, and I barely worked as a mason. I've worked as an electrician. I was a truck driver. I've been all over the map and I barely

know which way is up in regards to a career. I'm just trying to pay the bills right now. What's underneath that? A lot of fear. A fear of what? Not being good enough.

Who told you that? I don't know who told me. You do. Who was it? Say it out loud. It's kind of crazy to say, but my kindergarten teacher was kind of the first person that ever even planted that thought in my head. And I've just been repeating it over and over for the last 21 years. How did mom and dad contribute to that?

Whenever I did my best, my dad always told me to go do it again. And I never really felt celebrated for the little wins of getting better at something. Okay. As a kid, you should have got that. And I'm not saying your dad's a bad guy. I'm saying your dad didn't have that. He didn't have that tool in his toolkit.

And my guess is he was trying to push you because he wanted you to become a great man. often men pushing other men to become great men forget that you can only become great when the bottom rungs of the needs the hierarchy of needs are met which are safety and relationships right then you when you are anchored in there's a reason they send you to boot camp um in our in the army in the, so that you can learn to follow rules and you learn to work as a team because only then can you go do great things. Right? Yeah. So those things happened and here you are.

Now what you're going to have to decide to do is to get a group of guys. Are you lonely as all get out to? Yeah. Yep. Yep. Yep. So you have to make a conscious choice. I'm ending. I'm going to stop being lonely. I'm going to get with a group of guys, whether I'm just going to, I'm just going to invite a group of randos out from work, from my church, from the neighborhood. I don't care. I'm going to have a barbecue at my house and everyone's just going to be invited over. I don't care how this looks. You're going to have to get radical about that. The same as people get about losing weight, the same as they

get about exercise programs, as quitting drinking, you're going to have to decide to quit being lonely with a radical move. Okay? Okay. And I want you and your wife to sit down and say, and I want you to tell her, I understand that I have given you a life that lacks stability. And my promise is I'm going to start working to heal from the inside out, not from the outside in. And you are probably going to see her exhale in a way you haven't seen in a long time. Because here's what I guarantee she's done. She's created a cocoon of a world for her to exist in where it's safe because you're not.

And your body senses that you are not connected and it is trying to solve that because it is anxious, anxious, anxious, anxious, anxious. Right? Yeah, that's spot on. Okay.

So we're going to take a knee. This is submission. And all you, by by the way pause real quick here patrick all you idiots out there who are like what you're is a simp or whatever that's supposed to be shut up shut up some of the most bold masculine things you can do is to take a knee in front of your wife and say, I've screwed this up. Or I've been trying to solve this problem this way, and it's not working, and I've left you completely isolated and alone, and I'm sorry. I'm committed to learning new skills. And skill number one is I'm going to learn to be at peace with myself.

Skill number two is I'm going to learn to live in stability. I've never had it before. Is that cool, Patrick? Yep, that sounds good. Okay. Also, I want you to stay on the line. My friend Ken Coleman, who is a career guru, has a career assessment. I'm going to send it to you for free.

I'm going to send you a code online. I want you to take it, okay? I actually did take that. You took it? He threw it on sale. Okay. Did it help? Yeah. It did help.

Um, it helped clarify some of the underlying frustrations that I found with particular jobs. Very cool. Well, then I'll do this. I'll send you, I'm gonna send you a copy of a paycheck to purpose, his book. And I want you to read through that and also send you his other book too. I'm gonna send you everything. Proximity Principle. And that will walk you through. Here's where we go next. But that is for you to read and ponder and read with your wife and get some feedback. Get some friends who will speak into your life.

Before I took this job, I flew to Texas and met with some of my oldest friends in the world. Because I get emotional. I get anxious. I get wound up. And a good leader, which is I'm trying to lead a business. I'm trying to lead my units. I'm trying to lead my family or co-lead my family with my wife. Like a good leader takes feedback and wisdom, especially in the fog of war.

I flew to Texas, met with some friends, and I asked them, hey, I've been working for 20 years to get to this one place in my career and I finally got there and I'm thinking about quitting it to go be a YouTuber. And I took their wisdom and they all laughed and smiled and opened a drink and we talked and cracked up. And then they said, hey, this sounds crazy and this sounds right. And that's what I needed. I needed some perspective and some sobriety. Not literal sobriety, but sobriety. So I want you to get some friends and have those conversations about work and purpose and value. But you're not going to find it, man. Someone's going to bring you in and pay you a million dollars and call you CEO

and you're still going to look in the mirror and see that kindergarten kid whose teacher said you'll never amount to crap. Or you'll still see that seventh grader who gets so excited that you got an 88 on that math test that you busted your butt for. And your dad says, wow, I would have killed you to get two more points so you could get an A. I was just going to be a B student? Until you let that kid be free, the kid's going to be trying to solve the problems, man. And money and titles won't fix that. Start with your home.

Start with your wife. Start with your relationship. Start with y'all's identity. Start with you deciding you want to be well. And man, you got a whole runway ahead of you into a radical new life that's going to be incredible. We'll be right back. All right, we are back.

Let's go to Amanda in Madison, Wisconsin. What's up, Amanda? Hi, John. How are you today? I'm good. How are you? I'm, you know, I'm living the dream, Amanda? Hi, John. How are you today? I'm good. How are you? Hi, I'm Pino. I'm living the dream, right? Hey, I'm running a scam. They call it podcast here, so I can't really talk. I'm having fun.

So what's up? The reason I'm calling you today is because I'm trying to figure out how to help best my son, or how to best help my son, who is a sixth grader, first year in middle school, and he's experiencing some bouts of on and off anxiety to the point where it's manifesting in physical headaches and feeling sick and things like that, where he's having a hard time giving through his day. And I'm trying to figure out how to help him get through these things that he's going through. Is this new or has this been going on a long time?

It has been going on. The first time it kind of came up was over the summer. He really wanted to play tackle football with his friends and we got him into that. And after a couple of weeks, he was getting, um, physical, like hip pains or back pains where he felt like he couldn't practice. He was, couldn't play in football. And, you know, so I'd take him to practice to let him watch and learn still, but then the coaches were saying that he was, you know, screwing around or playing out, playing around on the sidelines and doing

things that if he's, you know, he's not appearing to be actually hurt. Um, and so then I was able to figure out from him after some conversations that he was scared about getting tackled and getting hurt at football practice. And we were able to then work through those issues with the coaches and, you know, with some extra time with the coaches, he was able to work through that and finish the season. But yeah, so that's another instance where he had like, I don't know if it's, if that was anxiety or if it was just fear or if it, I don't.

Yeah. Parenting's hard, man. It's so hard. I don't see a lot of utility in trying to parse the difference. Okay. Whether it's fear or anxiety and what type of anxiety it is. Sometimes it's helpful to name the dragon, but generally speaking, your son's body is telling him to opt out of a situation. And it has determined that going to school is not a safe situation.

It's determined that playing football is not a safe situation. And since he doesn't seem to be able to get the signals, it's going to start manifesting pain and hurt and all kinds of things that have a weird self-reinforcement to them because that's when people lean in and say, are you okay? And they listen to him and they hear him and his body goes, oh, thank God. And I'm seen and I'm heard finally. And then it reinforces, okay, that's how we get that sort of connection there so backing out um these are always hard questions and they're not supposed to be accusatory okay this is just data collection do you and your husband have anxious tendencies do you like where's where is this anxiety coming from did he get hurt somewhere did he watch one of his football friends just get leveled? Is he getting bullied at school? Where does this originate from? I don't personally suffer from any like anxious

tendencies. My husband does. He did see one of his teammates get hurt at football practice and that kind of, I think where some of that stemmed from. Sure. At school, he was diagnosed last year with dyslexia. And so he struggles with keeping things straight in his mind and gets overwhelmed when he... Because they use Google Classroom and so he can see all the different assignments that they're going to work on for that given day. And then he sees how many he's got and then he gets overwhelmed of oh my gosh i have so much to do well but also with dyslexia he gets a reinforcement on a daily basis that he's stupid and that he's and that he's different he does i bet he does one of the most common responses i've had with young working with young people with dyslexia is a reinforcement that everybody's going faster than they are and that it's become something's wrong with them.

And it's a message that schools pass along not unintentionally. Maybe not with your particular son, man. I've just heard that over and over and over again. And that was something that I worried about getting, because I had him assessed just because I knew he was struggling and I wanted to know why I wanted to know what it was and I wanted to know how to help him. And the dyslexia diagnosis was at least something to be like, okay, now we let's, how do we work around this? anything that I've noticed that he he's been able to really adapt to it and

work around it. But he's not. He's not. His body's not. This isn't an intellectual exercise. His body is telling him he's not okay. Okay, how do I help him? Let me ask you this. Do I need to get him into a therapist?

What's your husband's avoidance strategies when he gets anxious? How does he get out of situations? When he's uncomfortable, he pretty much just quits. So he exits the building? Yeah. Okay. Children are unable to do that because they don't have car keys and they don't have control and they don't have autonomy. And so kids' bodies revolt.

Does that make sense? Mm-hmm. Does that make sense? So I just want you to think of your son as a little boy whose body is telling him he's not safe and he can't leave. And I'm not saying to run and leave, okay? Right. So let me back out this way. The first thing I want you to do is I want you to believe him, okay? Believe him that he hurts. Understand that some folks have really tall kids. Some folks have short kids. Some folks have kids with lots. My friends used to make,

call me guaca when I was a kid because I had lots of moles, right? Like whatever, dude, like there's all kinds of things that parents, their kids are born with. Your kid might have a heightened sensitivity in his amygdala. That doesn't mean he's sensitive and not like that. Just his body experiences things in an amplified way, particularly anxiety. That's it, right? His amygdala is uber reactive. That's all. Okay. So what we're going

to teach him over a period of time is when that system goes off and says, you're not safe. Every kid watched their buddy get smashed on that football field. Your kid's alarm system was just louder than theirs. Does that make sense? So what we're going to do is we're going to teach him both and. And it's going to be really tough because his brain has to learn that this is the alarm system

and we can do it anyway. And not only can we do it anyway, but on the other side of doing it and accomplishing it and getting these little wins, it's going to feel infinitely better than the cheap wins we're getting every time we avoid something. Accomplishment is going to feel better than this headache. Does that make sense? Yes. And so what does care look like in

your home? Or let me ask this direct. Do y'all have special time where you have one-on-one time where there's 30 minutes and there's no phone and you ask him how his day went? Y'all color together, y'all draw together, y'all do Legos together. Do you have any type of system like that? We typically on the weekends, we'll do like family game night or something like that. I mean, it's not an every, we don't get time every day to do something, but we usually on the weekends are able to set some time and do family game nights. Okay. So there's this – it's out of the conscious discipline literature, but it's called Two Good Choices. And we're going to teach this young man some autonomy.

But it's going to be bounded autonomy, meaning you're going to give him a couple of ideas. And I want you to and your husband to make some schedule some time in your schedule three times a week not including the weekends It could be breakfast time. I take my son to breakfast once a week. Is it convenient? No, do I have time for it? Really? No It's become one of my favorite moments of my life And sometimes we only get 30 minutes at waffle house I get 30 minutes of time with him and diabetes, but we go, right? We do it every once a week. But I want y'all to pencil in 30 minutes where there is no phones,

there is no screens, there is nothing but connection. And I want you to give him, you want to do Legos together or do you want to do fill in the blank together? And he gets to pick which one of those things he gets to enter into. And you're not going to try to solve anything. You're not going to try to coach him on anything. You're just going to practice being with. And my guess is, it's a crazy guess,

but my guess is over time, his body's going to, oh, I don't know how that, I didn't know how that felt. That feels really good. I like this relationship connectivity. Does that make sense? And in the meantime, if he doesn't want to play football, that's fine. My friend Lane Norton just won world championships in weightlifting. If him and I were working out together and he lifted his reps and I got under the bar, I'd have to take a lot of weight off

because I'm just not that strong yet. Yet, like I did that, I'll never be as strong as Lane. But I'd have to take some weight off because I'm not there yet. I'm practicing, training. And similarly, he's in sixth grade. He's got a potentially a very reactive amygdala. Great. If he comes home and says, whoa, I just saw one of my classmates get decleted and his nose got broken and I don't really want to play football anymore. Say, okay, you have to choose because we're going to do one outdoor thing. You got to pick one thing. And you can choose from soccer or baseball, but you're going to do a thing. But you don't have to play football.

And we're not cashing out. We're not wimping out. He's got to choose another activity. He can't just go home and play video games or whatever. But we're going to slowly teach him that, okay, you're learning. We're going to practice something else then. And we're just going to do that with, if he gets an 88, that's fine for now. Right?

What is he nervous about at school? Like, what's the failure he's sensing there? Why is his body not on him in that building? I haven't been able to really pinpoint. I think it's just the overwhelm, because he's being graded for real now on classes. Like he can get, he can get an F, he can fail stuff for like,

um, yeah. But where does he get the sense that a failure is the end of something? Is that from you and your husband? Is that, I put a lot of pressure on my kids to do well academically. So I'm not saying it's a bad thing. Is that from y'all?

Is it from school? Where's that from? I'm not sure. I mean, we, we don't, we don't, um, pressure him to get like, he doesn't have to be a straight A student. We always have always taught our kids to, you know, just try your best. And if that's the best that you can do, then as long as you tried your best, we're okay with that. He's actually getting, he's actually a straight A student. Um, but he is smart. He's not, um,

he's not failing. It's just, I don't know if the pressure of, I don't know. I don't know why he is so afraid of his grades or having late homework. You know, if he has something that he doesn't get done in class and he ends up having to take it home to do homework, it gives, he just worries about it. Okay.

And I don't know why. My guess is. I've always been able to help. I've always been able to help him do his homework at home, and we always get it done. But when he's at school and it's not done, he worries about it. Yeah, that sounds so environmental. It sounds so environmental. I would strongly recommend you go with him and don't ship him off to a counselor,

just go sit and see a counselor, but you go with him. Because I think what I'm guessing is there are some strategies inside your home that when he gets home, there's a heightened level of tension there. And it could be from husband, it could from um the way he is perceiving things it could be from you it could be from any number of things but somehow he has picked up his body has picked up the and over amplified these signals that he's not safe and it's going to give him a stomach ache it's going to give him a headache it's going to give him a headache. It's going to give him these things, right? I think seeing a counselor would be wise because hearing it from a third-party adult who is trained at listening and being quiet and leaning in and making connections with a kid. They may even have him do – he's sixth grade, so they may have him do some play therapy.

He may be a little bit aged out of that a little bit, but maybe not. But another adult might be able to give him some strategies, give you some strategies, give you all some new language together. But I'm going to double back. My guess is this is a highly, highly relational. I'd want to know if he's getting bullied at school, if school is somehow unsafe. I would really have a counselor dig into the dyslexia and how that makes him feel in relationship to his other classmates. And it may be that dyslexia was part of the diagnostic and there's more, who knows. But I want to start at home with the things you can control. And that is, I'm going to put everything away. I'm going to create space in my day. And by the way, I'm not going to say, I've made time for you.

No, I can do that. I'm just going to create space. An anxious kid is highly, highly perceptive for safety. And I want you to create as safe as environment as possible. And that's going to come from presence. So let's start there. Let's get him into a counselor. Let me say it this way. Your kid's start there. Let's get him into a counselor. Let me say it this way.

Your kid's not broken. He's not broken. Let's give him some autonomy to make some choices about an outdoor activity. About does he want to do this homework right now? Or does he want to do that? Let's give him, teach him autonomy.

Let's teach him slowly how to do hard things. And a good counselor is going to help y'all walk through basically retraining his brain, neurological training for feeling that alarm go off really loud, louder than his peers and still heading in and getting

those accomplishments but screaming at him, beating him up and I know you don't do those things but that doesn't help that's not a thing and it may be time for dad to work on his anxiety too, because there's going to come a point if he's not there already, where your son's going to feel responsible for making sure dad doesn't feel anxious. And that is a burden that no sixth grader, no kid can carry.

Thank you so much for your call and for loving that kid, man. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new home buyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their home buyer edge program will

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All right, we are back. Hey, John. Yes, ma'am. So I was listening to that last call and I really related with her a lot. Having- I like how you said that. I was listening to that last call. Good, because you're producing the show.

I was listening to this call. You do a great job. I don't usually listen, but you do a great job. I'm how you said that. I was listening to that last call. Good, because you're producing the show. I'm glad you're listening. I was listening to this call. You do a great job. I don't usually listen, but you do a great job. I'm glad you're listening. It makes me happy. No, I was just – so kind of this is to her. I'm a few years farther down the road than she is with this.

And some of the things you said that really, really hit that I wanted to make sure that she really heard. So we have a child, um, he's almost 17 now and, um, middle school was a rough go more with attitude, not grades or anything like that, but come to find out he, first of all, he was being bullied. Um, but the Nathan has CP minor CP and he struggles with some, um and he struggles with some work. He's got some eye issues, and there's just a few things. And the worst thing you can be at that age is different. That's right.

And so I was at that point, no, he's fine. Everything's fine. He's going to be in the normal classes, and it's fine. And he doesn't need the IEP. Those who know what that is know what it is. And I was so adamant that he was going to be normal, quote unquote normal, that I know I did him a disservice. And it was when I – we got him into counseling because he was having some rage issues. And we have chaos in our house.

You talked about it at the house. With our other child, we have some chaos in our house. And so, duh, he had some issues with it, you know. But when we took him to counseling and the counselor was able to get a little hard with us about what diff services we were doing to him, and then, you know what? These are real legit issues and they have to be dealt with.

Right. And how it just changed everything in our house. And he still goes to counseling. He's been going since the fifth grade to the same guy. And it's great because it's someone he can talk to. It's an adult. He can talk. Yeah. An adult. But you, so it's important to hear that in this particular caller, that young man gets headaches, right? Or gets stomach, like he just, I don't feel good. That same manifestation, that same shaking of a snow globe, your son had rage, right? Some kids shut down. Some kids set things on fire.

Some kids go get straight A's. It's that body's response to we're not safe. We got to fix this now. And I wonder how much in your home, like the tension, as you're describing that, we're going to be normal. He's going to be in these classes. That creates a environment that his body feels like it's got to solve because mom is really, she's going to war for me, right? Right. And so it was that last caller when I said,

hey, kids with dyslexia struggle with, and the first answer was, not him. He's fine. And I want to say, oh, he's not, right? He knows he's different. And he knows that all of his classmates are buzzing through these things. He also knows, don't tell mom.

Because that creates, right? So it creates this thing. What is a way, because I struggle with this. Maybe I just need to get over it man that's what i've signed up for i like to be really direct and tell people the truth but they're especially with moms but sometimes with dads the shame and the guilt is so overwhelming that it just shuts down um i don't think there is a way beyond just being direct because we have to create a place where we don't take that on as shame and guilt. We just – you use the tools you've got.

You said that earlier in a call that wasn't in his toolkit. Well, until I learned – until you learn and then you do better. Gotcha. But so we have to be – we have to create an environment where yeah it's hard to hear but now do something about it it's don't take it personally it's not a shame thing it's not you're doing it wrong so let's try this and see if it works better you thought a hammer was the right tool for this it's not get us yeah when you're a hand when you know when you're a hammer everything's a nail gotcha and so it's it's not shame it's just just learning. Yeah. Well, Hey, she said parenting's hard. It's hard. So

hard. It's hard. That's right. Um, I can't think of a better alarm system than your kid's alarm systems to everybody listening. If your kid's body's telling them they're not safe somewhere, listen to that and begin, take an honest assessment. How is dad contributing to this? How's mom contributing to this? How are we, how's is dad contributing to this? How's mom contributing to this? How are we, how's our dynamic contributing to this? Is my kid getting bullied at school? Is my kid not, like, where is this coming from? And let's focus less on, is this fear, anxiety?

Let's focus more on how can we help this young man's, a young daughter's bodies feel safe? And what does that look like? And it might mean, man, I'm not going to play football this spring. Fine. Good grief. Fine. You're going to do something.

Cool. I know you don't feel good when you go to school. You're going to go to school. Do you want me to drive you or do you want to take the bus? And if we can't, you're going to go to school and you're going to take the bus. Do you want me to put a note in your lunch or do you want me to put a note in your bag? Because I'm going to tell you every day that I love you and I want you to have this note that you can look at when you're in school. So which one of those do you want? And we're going to slowly lean in and teach autonomy.

And it's a tough go of it. I'm convinced that over time when a kid's ecosystem becomes safe, their bodies are like, cool, we don't have to go to war anymore. And, man, y'all must have done a great – because I've been around Nathan. He's awesome. Just an incredible kid, man. It's awesome. He's a pretty good kid. We like him.

Well, way to fix it all. I didn't say we fixed it all. All right. Let's go to uh breck in saint george the utes what's up breck oh hey dr how are you i'm good man how are you well i'm trying to do better that's why i'm calling i guess hey me too man me too so what's up so um i had a situation in my marriage like six months in i i like fell back into porn and i came forward to my wife and i explained to her that you know this has been going on since my teenage years and it's always been like you know a week on and then several months off and you know it's been even a couple of years

in between, you know, times that I've fallen into it. So I tried to explain it to her. I was like, I don't know why, you know, I'm just this little rubber band and I keep snapping back and I kind of cut it and, you know, set myself free. But, um, I've really connected with her and really tried to be open and honest with her with where I'm at. But, you know, with that, I know that feelings of self-image and lack of trust kind of start creeping in. And so I'm really struggling with, like, feelings of frustration. I'm constantly asking to trust me. And I just feel like I'm, like, spinning my wheels, you know?

Yeah. What have you done different? So I've never, I've never really had a support person, you know, it's always been like, I would tell my parents, you know, growing up, Hey, I did this and they'd be like, well, don't fix it. You know? So listen, listen, listen, listen. If I'm her, there's a value in my home that me and my brand new husband agreed on.

And then my husband came to me and said, hey, I violated this value. I'm coming forward. I'm being honest about it, which is noble, good for you. And then it's followed up with, yeah, this has just been a thing I've been dealing with since I was little,

since I was real young. It just keeps coming back. I don't want it to be there, but it just keeps coming back. All right. Don't judge me and don't hold me accountable to it and don't get mad at me. Let's go get some pancakes. That is very different than enough is enough is enough. I'm going to go join an essay group.

I'm going to go join any number of groups that meet all over the United States. A Celebrate Recovery group. Any number of things. I'm going to go see a counselor. I'm going to go get very serious about this and you haven't done that which tells me i mean you like the idea of not having these week-long shame spirals but you also like the idea of having like a week-long binge fair i don't know i'm absolutely terrified of falling back

I know but not terrified enough to do something You're just sitting there being terrified Which In a crazy twist of fate The more Wound up you are The more white knuckling you do The more you slowly grind off your ability

To make good decisions and you burn the edges off and you burn the edges off and you know what makes everything feel better? Connected relationships. And you don't have that. You know, a cheap substitute for a connected relationship? Pornography. And so you, by not being willing to go meet with some people and say, Hey, this is me. And I've struggled with this for a long time. Um, how are you guys doing? My name is Breck. I'm struggling. How are you this week, Breck? Good. I had a good week. How are you this week, Breck? I fell off, man. I didn't do so well. Or I haven't looked at pornography, but I ate four large pizzas this week, and I'm struggling with my diet.

Whatever the thing is, if you don't have that, your body is going to go get it. It's going to get it in the quickest, easiest way possible. So you can say you're terrified to fall back into this thing, but you're not terrified enough to do something. So if I'm your wife, I'm just watching a lot of lip service. And then you tell me you've been lip servicing this for a long, long time. And nothing's changed. And so she's looking at her future like,

well, I guess it's just going to be my marriage. And so I actually think she's right to keep asking you or to not trust you because you're not giving her any alternative actions to trust. I mean, at first when I told her, she was very sweet about it, and we sat down. I went to a counselor, and I just kind of tried to identify triggers, and we set up a plan and I keep a little note in my wallet. And we have an agreement that it was after a big argument that I just felt inadequate, that I just wanted to almost hurt myself with it. And so, you know, our form of dealing with that is no matter what, like if we have an she can just say hey leave your phone and i'll go out of the room and and just kind of decompress and and sit there and think

about and kind of cool down but i didn't get that she'll say leave your phone you just leave your phone yeah yeah at any time she just says hey leave your phone here and so she'll i'll give it to her and then i'll just go off and be in a room alone and try and cool down you know because it's it's always been like from an argument or from like a depressive episode that i oh the okay i see what you're saying so you have a trigger and that trigger as you're describing it is a it's a fracture in a relationship your body feels unsafe

and a way that soothes that discomfort is pornography right I think so and dude you're not weird you know what I mean you're not like there's millions and millions and millions and millions of men and women in your exact situation.

In fact, what makes you kind of weird is that you don't want that to be your default setting anymore. And so what I would challenge you on is identifying the trigger. All you're looking for is space here between stimulus and response. Okay? Yeah. You cannot just withdraw an activity, withdraw a coping mechanism, and not establish something else in its place.

Addiction doesn't work like that. So you can't just pace around the house in a minute until the urge passes. You're going to have to sit down and write something. You're going to have to go for a jog. You're going to have to call a friend. You're going to have to call a sponsor and get the relational connectivity there. Does that make sense? Yeah.

I just, I don't know. I feel like I've made changes, but what you're saying is that feels like it's the final kicker. And so, I don't know. I've just been feeling almost an imposter because I'm saying, hey, this is what happened. I've made changes, and I feel like this is where I'm at now, but I don't want to minimize what I did or minimize the breaking values there. There's no sense in going backwards, dude. Yeah. That's you beating yourself up. And at some point,

probably not just yet, but at some point, your wife's going to have to decide to stop hedging her bets by calling this back in, calling this back in, calling this back in. Because she's going to try

to keep herself safe by keeping some moral high ground. And I'm sure she's not perfect either. And she's going to try to keep herself safe by keeping some moral high ground. And I'm sure she's not perfect either. And she's going to have some, this is going to be a way she can, like a stepping stool, if you will, in a raging river. And it will make her feel like she's above the fray a little bit. It's going to keep her safe. And she's going to have to choose to be vulnerable again

if this marriage is going to work also. Both of you are. Yeah. i how do i ask for that you can't that's for her yeah she's going to have to choose to open herself up to get hurt again just like you are but i think you have not got radical enough You're an alcoholic Who has just kept a few bottles of whiskey just in case relatives come over Cut the internet off dude Get rid of your phone Get a flip phone

That you can't text on And you're gonna lose friends get rid of all social media. Put blocks on, get rid of it. Pour the whiskey down the sink. This is what I'm talking about. Yeah. And you haven't been willing to do that,

which means she has to try to stay safe. And so I'm actually on her side right now. Yeah. And I feel like I'm on her side too Because sometimes I just feel like I feel like crap Well do something Do something

You feel like crap because you're just You're in a cognitive loop man You're on a mental treadmill You're just like a Mental like mouse on a wheel Just running And you're trying to solve it by thinking about it. Stop thinking, go do. Go to Academy this afternoon or to Walmart or something and get a couple of dumbbells and put them in your garage. And when you have an urge,

put your phone, turn it off, and then go downstairs and do 15 minutes or 10 minutes or something. Or go buy a pair of running shoes and go for a jog to end of your block. You've got to put some things, some new behaviors that are going to be positive. Go to a group, get somebody you can call, take action. Do you hear me, man? Yeah. Take action, take action, take action, take action. You know what to do. Yeah, I know. I feel like that's the biggest need in my life is I'm just kind of waiting. And I, and I see that it's kind of bled into other areas of my life. I know it has. I know it has. And you think that your marriage challenges,

you think your wife is not super into you right now because of the pornography. It's not. It's because she's finding out that she might be married to like a wet piece of toast. Right? Yeah. And here's what pornography gives you. married to like a wet piece of toast right yeah and here's what pornography gives you can I be honest with you it makes you feel a little bit more alive

fair yeah that's fair create that aliveness in your life brother you only get one shot at this thing yeah right What makes you alive? Go, go. Just start rattling off top of your head. What makes you alive? Just being outside. Okay. What else? What else? You're one of the most beautiful parts of the United States for being outside. What else? I like exercising. I've been getting into biking.

What else? We're new to the area, so I just don't have any friends. I need friends. Okay, there you go. Get them. Get them. Right? Yeah. There's some weird St. George Biker Club out there. Mountain Biker Club. I know there is. I know there is.

There's probably a hundred of them. And you're going to show up to one and they're going to be too good. You're going to show up to another one and it's going to be a bunch of old women. And you're going to be like, probably not for me. You're going to find them and they're going to be there. And I guarantee you there's Celebrate Recovery groups in your area. Guarantee.

Yeah. Go. Go. Go. You get one shot at this life man fair yeah absolutely no you're like okay absolutely no go are you in yes are you sure yes yes okay enough enough of the well i'm just here and I just don't want to do this anymore. Don't. Don't. Make it different.

Make it different. Make it different. Today, you're going to get a note card out and you're going to write down for the next five days. Nope. The next seven days, you're going to write down your daily routine. When I wake up, what I'm going to have for breakfast, the supplements I'm going to write down your daily routine When I wake up what i'm going to have for breakfast the supplements i'm going to take the exercise I'm going to get going to work the connection i'm going to have with my wife

The things i'm going to do i'm going to make dinner. I here's the things i'm going to do And no matter what no matter what? Come hell or high water. You're going to check off everything on that list You're probably going to add four or five things to every list to off everything on that list you're probably gonna add four or five things to every list too put them on there anyway and check them off we are practicing a different way of doing life and in every one of those days every day you're gonna do at least one thing where you're gonna reach out and connect with somebody else whether that's at work it's a group of strangers it's just going to the to the bike rider park i don't know

what y'all bike riders do. I'm not that talented. I'll fall off and eat it. I break a bone or two. But get out and get connected. Go, go, go. My brother, you're worth it. And everybody listening, stop thinking about everything so much.

Go do. Go do. Change your life. Go. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings

and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, I guess during that last call

at some point, Ben, what I say, you only get one shot. Yeah, do not miss your chance to blow. Opportunity knocks once in a lifetime. You better. So, of course, during the break, they brought me in. Eminem's classic, lose yourself. And it goes like this.

Look, if you had one shot or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted, in one moment, would you capture it or let it slip? Yo, his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already. Mom's spaghetti. He's nervous, but on the surface, he looks calm and ready to drop bombs,

but he keeps on forgetting what he wrote down. The whole crowd goes so loud. He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out. He's choking. How? Everyone's joking now. The clock's run out. Time's up.

Over. Blow! Sometimes you just got to step back to reality. Open up. Oh, there's gravity. You got to lose yourself. The music, the moment, you own it. You only get one shot, America. That sounded awesome. Hey, I love you guys. See you soon.