The Dr. John Delony Show - It Looks Like I’m Headed for Divorce # 3

Episode Date: January 31, 2024

On this episode, we hear about: - A husband heading toward a third divorce - A woman wondering what it means to “marry your unfinished business” - A mother struggling with intrusive thoughts Lyrics of the Day: "Something in the Orange" - Zach Bryan  Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp Hallow Organifi Eight Sleep Apollo Neuro Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Building a Non-Anxious Life Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. To put it plainly, I suck at being married. I'm on my third one. It's on thin ice now. I have trouble working together on projects. She wants to help. She asks me questions. I shrink into myself.

I shut down. Why haven't you sat down and said, hey, I want to bring you into my life? I can't. Steve, are you seeing somebody else? Hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Taking your calls on mental and emotional health in your marriage and relationships.

That crummy interaction you have with your boss to start the new year. Or you and your spouse. You'll just want your marriage to be different. You don with your boss to start the new year. Or you and your spouse. You'll just want your marriage to be different. You don't know where to start. Or you get that kid coming in. And they might as well be from another planet. Because you don't even know what in the world is going on. Whatever you have going on in your life when it comes to your relationships,

your emotional, mental health. Actually, I'll just comment on anything if you want to. But those are the things I kind of know about that. And how much the Astros are superior to all of the baseball teams. I'm sorry, who won the World Series? Here we go. Here we go. I don't think it was the Astros, was it? Listen.

Listen. It's good to just spread the love every once in a while. I am. Of the Rangers. The Yankees and Alabama football found out the Patriots, what happens when you win every year? Everybody just hates you.

So every couple of years, the Astros, they take one for the team, they lose. I was going to say, pretty much I think everybody hates the Astros too. Yeah, right. That's nice. So if you are struggling with a coworker because your coworker is judgmental and, I mean, relatively insane and can't see up or down and has no clear understanding about how rational thinking works I think if people out there get it exactly so if I if I

I'm the guy to help I'm the guy to help because God help me for what I have to deal with here on the show but if you want to be on the show give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 it's 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask A-S-K. And please, it makes such a huge difference. Subscribe to the show on YouTube, please. We're really doing a subscription drive this year.

The numbers of this show have just grown. We have countless more people with us on a regular basis. It's really exciting. And we're going to really push for subscribes and likes. And so please, please, please help us out. But more importantly than us, man, we're fine. Help out your neighbor who just doesn't know. And they're going to finally get the courage to go stick into the YouTube heading.

They're going to Google into the top of YouTube. I know that just doesn't make sense. But they're going to write in the search in YouTube, like my marriage is falling apart. How do I help? And if you keep hitting the subscribe button, it really gives them an opportunity to have this show dumped into their algorithm and they can get the life change that they need. So thank you so, so much for all of your help. All right, let's go out to Dallas, Texas. Oh, great. Probably another Rangers fan and talk to Steve.

Hey, Steve, what's up? Hey, I was going to say, uh, with the Astros and the, uh, Patriots,

you know, once a cheater, always a cheater. Oh, I knew it. I knew it. We got our first, our first title.

So, you know, I'll give you this one. It feels good. The first time, doesn't it? It got our first title. I'll give you this one. It feels good the first time, doesn't it? It's just so exciting. I don't want to tell everybody. It was amazing. It was amazing. And I lived in Houston for a couple years, so I feel your love.

All right. I'm there. Astros rule. Astros rule. All right, what's up, Steve? By the way, Steve, you're a very smart human, and I think you're the best. Thank you. Thank you.

Kelly does drugs. All right, so what's up? Steve, you're a very smart human, and I think you're the best. Thank you. Thank you. Kelly does drugs. All right, so what's up? I just, to put it plainly, I suck at being married. I'm on my third one. It's on thin ice now. We've been together nine years and married almost five. A couple of things. I have trouble working together on projects that she thinks we should

like cleaning out the garage or working on the barn taking care of the lawn stuff like that she wants to help she asks me questions or make suggestions or whatever and I shrink into myself I shut down I get short with my answers and comments to her. I normally feel like I do best just figuring it out myself and doing it that way. Secondly, I've hidden purchases from her over the years. I've had my family buy gifts for friends with my own spending money, but I haven't told her about it. I've tried to hide things I've done from her. For instance, I was going to go hunting, and I decided to go fishing instead, and I didn't told her about it, tried to hide things I've done from her. For instance, I was going to go hunting, and I decided to go fishing instead, and I didn't tell her until she found out afterwards.

I've also talked with my brother about things that she does that bothers me, but I've exaggerated them, and I've not told the whole truth or told the entire story accurately. These tendencies have definitely increased over the past year or two. I feel controlled by her discipline with money or her questioning me about things, so I've resorted to not sharing some things in an effort to avoid her questioning me on things. That's part of the problem. I feel like I have to ask permission for some things

that I really feel I really normally shouldn't have to ask for. Obviously, nothing justifies what I've done, but I feel controlled. I feel like these things eke out of me as a cry for autonomy. I definitely don't want to be anonymous. I just want some autonomy. I feel like I'm lacking autonomy. She's found out about all of these things. So now she has, of course, severe trust issues.

She's plainly stated that I'll never gain her trust again, which I understand. Definitely, I can say that asking forgiveness is not better than asking for permission. So there's no justification for my actions, but I do feel like they're a reactive behavior. And I just don't know how to, I guess, stand up for myself on some things that I feel like I should be able to do or want to do without getting pushed back.

And then it gets all jumbled up and I just, it turns into a mess. So it sounds like, I mean, you're, you're taking full ownership. So I'm going to keep you at your, I'm going to hold you to your word. You're taking your ownership. It sounds like you've done some stupid stuff that is, is, um, I wouldn't advise anyone to do. It also sounds like you're married to a brutal person.

She's not brutal for sure. She's just... Let's do this. I want to circle back. You said you're not good at being married. Are these the same patterns that showed up in marriage one and two? Why did those marriages fall apart?

First one, I felt I was too controlling in the relationship and, um, it was not really sure why it fell apart. I know that I, I had parts. I was, I was just too controlling over stupid little things like hanging your towel on a rack and stuff like that. Um, and she left you.

She did. Okay. Yep. All right. The second one was only six months. It's a long story, but it just, it shouldn't have happened in the first place. Um, I don't know how to really describe that, but it wasn't a match from the beginning. Okay.

The hard, the hard part of that one, the hard part about what you just described with your current wedding marriage, not wedding, but your current marriage is it's really tough to chicken or egg it has she found herself increasingly more controlling and paying attention to everything and really trying to hem you in because you're just a dude who just is just a dishonest and you just kind of do your own life and you don't want anyone you kind of want a a wife but you don't you want the idea of a wife but you don't want to do the work that it takes to have a real wife and she is clinging so tightly to just shreds of of intimacy and relationship that you're starting to get choked by it or man you've really worked hard yeah you've been a knucklehead but for crying out loud

i'm going hunting and so now i'm going fishing it's not i don't know that there needs to be a big public announcement but then she here comes the grinch and she is yelling i can't believe you lied to me and you're like dude it doesn't it's it's it's fish not birds right or fish not deer what's the big deal so what do you think, what do you think it is? I go back and forth on it. And, um, it's, I think obviously a little bit of both. Um, I felt probably a little constricted and then just, or just wanted to do my own thing. And then she found out about that and then it's gotten probably tighter and then i've reacted more uh you know in response to that over the years lately she she's definitely she's got her radar on which i know is what you've said you know the radar is a is her radar is a, is her radar is working perfectly. Um,

so she's hypersensitive or, you know, on the lookout for things. That makes me want to just do more things that, and you know, so yeah, I feel, so part of it is, I feel he's going to have an issue with something. So I just like the fishing instead of hunting and um it was it just so i just went and did it and then she found out later so i want to share those things with her but i feel like everything a lot of things are kind of a bigger production all right so why why have you never said that exact sentence

because i hunt i hunt a lot and i'm trying to think if i told my wife hey we're heading out to go hunting tomorrow morning and i leave way before she i leave like at four in the morning so i head out and i get to where we're going and one of my buddies shows up and he's like dude let's go fishing and i'm like no and he talks me into it right i can't imagine that i would feel this big feel compelled i might text my wife once i knew she was awake just in case something happened that she would know i'm on a lake somewhere but like we have that trust established that she'd be like i don't i mean you're not here i don't care what you're doing you see what i'm saying right so why haven't you i'm trying to even make

that a big deal in my house and it's just not But why haven't you sat down and said, hey, I want to bring you into my life, but I can't? Or? We have. Okay. I don't feel there was a big resolution on it, but that was our latest conversation was, I want to share these things with her, but I don't feel that I can sometimes. But can you not because she is an overbearing nag? I wouldn't call her that for sure.

Is that true? Or is it because you don't want to do marriage with somebody? You just want your own life. You don't want anyone to tell you how to do the yard. You don't want to tell you when to do the yard. You don't want anyone to tell you about your clothes, your life, your house, anything. I want the towel hung up where I want it hung up. I want everything to be the OR, you want anyone to tell you about your clothes, your life, your house, anything. I want the towel hung up where I want it hung up. I want everything to be the way

it is. And what you're looking for, actually, is you want a maid. You want an employee. No, not that for sure. Then what is it, man? Because here's the deal. At the end of the day, y'all are choosing this misery that you have. Both of y'all are making choices for

everything in your life to suck. And I can't wrap my head around why you're. Right. Both of y'all are making choices for everything in your life to suck. And I can't wrap my head around why you're choosing this. We are, ordinarily, we have this amazing connected relationship. We even share the same pillow.

We're, and like, everybody around us. I'm just kidding. I figured you'd say that We travel with one pillow and we share it We are like Siamese twins when we sleep Okay so why do you lie about your wife to your brother?

I felt More and more stifled about I don't give a crap about that I don't care how you felt Why did you lie about your wife to your brother I know it's that's

that's the scum part that I've done just answer the question though yo are you trying to are you trying to like distance yourself from your wife

are you trying to be cool in front of your brother like why did you lie about your wife to your brother um what did that get you nothing About your wife to your brother. What did that get you?

Nothing. It got her angry at me. Why did you hide purchases? Why did you, like, in my world, I call that financial infidelity. Why did you cheat on your wife when it comes to money? Even laundering money through family members to buy things for other people. Yeah. I don't have an excuse for it. So your wife's not here.

I think that you're covering up for her in a pretty noble way, but she sounds like she's tough on you. But I can't talk to her. She's not here. What I'm going to tell you... Go ahead. Sorry. We have some different views on money. What is your view on money? You should be able to spend it whenever you want,

whatever you want? Because it's yours? No. Not at all. Our money's combined. We get a little bit of spending money each month for each other. That's supposed to be fun play, unaccountable money. at all our money's combined we get a little bit of spending money each month for each other um that's supposed to be fun play unaccountable money um and most time it is i think she's i think she wonders what i spend it on um so steve are you seeing somebody else? No not a chance Not a chance

The more you're talking the more I'm thinking The more something feels off I feel like I'm missing a piece of a puzzle here No There's absolutely zero No I'm not even in the same universe Okay

I just like to go I feel like if I went and bought, um, lunch for myself out, she's wondering what I did for lunch and I didn't save the receipt for our taxes. And so it's still accountable. I feel like I just want to go get some lunch. Is it because she loves you? Is that her way of trying to connect

with you? Hey man, where'd you have your lunch today? Yeah, it is, for sure. And then for some reason I feel like she's keeping tabs on me. Is she? I have a thing about that. Is she? I don't think so. Okay.

I really don't think so. Then here's the deal. You have to decide. Because the things you've told me can be one of two things. And I'm just being honest. And it's hard in this short of a conversation, especially without her. If you ever want to call back with her on the phone, that would be fun, man. But here's the deal.

Either she is borderline pathological. She's like the deep state. She wants to know what you ate, eat, where you are at all times. She wants to know what you spend and why you spent it and who you spent it with. And you can't have a marriage like that unless you are somebody cheated on somebody and you are creating a, you are reestablishing trust. And then for a season, you have to live like that. Sure. Right?

Either that's the case, or there is a woman who is desperately, she is so desperately trying to connect with you, she asks you about lawn care, for God's sakes. And you're just like, leave me alone, lady. What did you have for lunch today? My God, will you quit hassling me? Well, hey, I'll do the taxes. Did you get the receipt?

Oh my... And bro, why? That's what I was hoping to get help with. I don't know why I have this... That's why you're the one... She's not a nag. She cares about me. We care deeply about each other. But I just... I resist some things, and I don't know why.

Why do you hate Steve? I don't know. You can't stand Steve. And if Steve gets brought out of a shadow at any level, from what Steve had for lunch, for who Steve dated in high school to what Steve's thinking. Steve feels buck naked in Times Square,

totally exposed and terrified. And he lashes out or he goes undercover to keep Steve from being seen because Steve doesn't want anyone to see Steve because Steve doesn't like Steve. True or false?

Do you struggle with pornography? No. No. What's your vice? My vice is, well, I like to buy things. How much have you bought that she doesn't know about?

That she doesn't know about? Nothing. She knows about everything. Okay. Here's the deal. I love you enough to tell you this, brother. This ends in divorce unless you decide that you're worth being in a relationship with. Period. And that means you have to let some people connect with you. And if something like, my goodness, when I used to do a lot of crisis response stuff,

I was showing up to people's homes and there was dead bodies. There was body parts. There were brains all over the place. And my wife tried to connect with me. And I finally said, hey, you don't want to know what I'm seeing at night. So I don't, and I don't feel comfortable talking about it,

but I will tell you last night was a really rough one. And when I say that, it would really mean a lot to me if you just give me a hug. Or one night after I had to show up and there was some kids that had passed away, it was a real gnarly situation. I woke up, I went in my kid's room and Hank's room, he was really young and I just held him and he was dead asleep. And then I come out of his room and it was like in the middle of the night. I said that I had to hold my son. And the next morning my wife was like, man, were you in the, what were you doing?

And I was like, Hey, I, you know, I don't want to talk about it. So there's that. If you feel that strongly about the yard, Hey, this is my sacred space. And I know it's so weird, but I feel awkward talking about the art. Be honest and be brave enough, be a man enough to say, here's what I need. But it's just cruel to beat up somebody for wanting to connect with the man that she said she loves. Especially if the only reason he doesn't want to connect is because he doesn't love himself. Right.

Do you believe you're worth being loved, man? Sometimes. I think you are. Here's my path forward for you, man. And I know this is brief. You and I could probably talk for another couple hours and I'd love just to go have a drink with you one day. I get a sense from you that it is exhausting to be you. That's how much grief you carry about you, how much disdain. And you have to hear me say, my friend, please, I know we're on the phone and you can't see me, please listen to this.

Your wife is trying to love you and you're worth that love, period. Any story counter to that is not true. It's a lie. And so the goal here is to stop running from that woman loves me and to start leaning into, okay, I'm going to practice being uncomfortable in her presence. I'm going to tell her that.

I love you so much. And every time you try to connect with me, my body screams, you're not worth her. And it has to stop now. And that's nothing she's going to have to fix. You're going to have to be the guy that says, I am going to allow myself to be seen. And that's going to start with you keeping a daily journal practice. That's going to be you deciding on a weekly basis to sit with your wife and say, how can I love you this week? That's going to be you deciding to go see a counselor because you have to go seek some

professional help for this. Period, dude. Period. Stay on the line. I'll get you three free months with my friends at BetterHelp. I'll at least get you going. You can start seeing somebody over the next 24, 48 hours. But it sounds to me like your wife is desperate And she's getting to the end of her rope She's saying dude I've been trying to connect with you for so long And i'm tired of going to war and get my hand bit off every time I reach out to hold yours You have to decide to enter into a season of discomfort

Where you learn to love yourself where you learn what it feels like to be loved from someone else When you learn to drop your shoulders and say I don't care how the yard works because that's my wife. I don't care where my towels are today. That's my wife. And then in those moments that you do need something, you don't say, you need to do that. You say, hey, when I go to lunch, I don't think it through. I just order like a sandwich or whatever. I don't pay attention. When I get home, for some reason, it feels like I'm being attacked. I feel attacked.

I'm working on that. But I promise if I don't know what I had for lunch and I didn't keep the receipt, I'm not, I mean, I'm not trying to hide anything from you. I love you. I just don't think through lunch that much. But I can't wait for dinner. I feel like this one's going to be a long time working through. Steve, you call me anytime, and we'll get you back on the show, man. Those are a few steps you can get going.

Hang on the line. We'll hook you up with better help, and I'll hook you up with building a non-anxious life. My latest book, give you a place to start. We'll be right back. It's time to talk about Organifi. All right, here's one of my main life goals. I want to be as healthy as possible for as long as possible.

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All right, let's go out to Danville, Illinois and talk to Jane. What's up, Jane? Hey, what's up? Partying. What are you doing? Uh, sitting here chatting with you. I have a question. Okay. What's up? Uh, okay. So one morning I was listening to your podcast and you said, we marry our unfinished business. And I have never heard anyone say that before. And I was wondering if you could explain what that means. Oh yeah. I would love

to. That's a great question. Um, so I, I don't even remember when I said that. I've probably said that multiple times on this show. Some would go as far as to say it is a nervous system wiring. It's that deeply embedded in you. But I know it's common vernacular among therapists, particularly relationship therapist. And here's the idea. Let's say you're a little girl. Let's do this. Let's make you the example. Can we make you the example, Jane? Sure. Okay. Tell me about how you grew up. Tell me about your dad. Okay. I didn't meet my dad until I was in my thirties. Okay. What happened? Where'd he go? I don't know. I met him, well, I flew out to Colorado's medium. Then he came back to Illinois to visit for a little bit. Why did he leave you in the first place? Why did a dad abandon the most precious thing on planet earth, which is a little girl.

What I was told from my mom, um, was that when she told him that she was pregnant, he left. Okay. Um, so I never knew him my whole life. Um, my aunt found a newspaper clipping, um, and she sent it to me when I was in my 30s and said, I think these are your grandparents. And so I looked them up. They live in the same hometown that I grew up in. I don't live in that hometown anymore. And so found him, got in touch with him. Things were great. Flew out to Colorado, met him. And then, you know, I came back home, obviously. And then he came for a visit to Illinois. And we, like, exchanged letters, and he would send gifts for me and my husband and my kids

and things like that. And that went on for a little while. And then he started, I don't know, it was really weird. Like he would, he wanted to come and visit me, but he would call me and ask me questions about my mom. And then he would call my mom and ask her questions about me. And she told him, you know, if you're just coming to get with me, then stay where you're at. But if you're coming to see Jane, then I'll, you know, absolutely come and visit her. And he was coming to visit me, but he would call me and ask me if he would be okay to stay with my mom. So it was like really weird. Um, so when she told

him that he never contacted me ever again. And so I haven't heard from him since. And I'm fine with that. Um, I've lived 30 years without him. I've not, you know, I don't think about it anymore. Um, I figure, you know, I found out what I needed to know about my past on his side of the family. I did meet my grandparents. They were wonderful people. Um, and I'm just really grateful that I grew up with my mom and her parents and not the other way around. So tell me about, tell me about your mom. Um, my mom, she's, well, she just passed away, um, a little over a year ago. In April, it'll be two years. And she,

oh gosh, she had three kids by three different people. She was married, but the people that she was married to was not the fathers of any of us. So did you have a household of stepdads? Not a whole lot. Maybe like two or three. One of them wasn't for very long.

Mainly we grew up, my mom lived with her parents. So like my entire life until I moved out for college, I lived with my grandparents and my mom. Okay. So I'm going to take a wild just these kind of statements like you mirror your unfinished business. Those aren't always etched in concrete. Okay. But it would not be uncommon for someone who had experienced the life you experienced,

and I want to be real clear to the listener, Jane, can you and I just talk like super, no one's listening to us except for a couple million people? Is that cool? Real quick, just a private to the side. Yeah. You gave me the very sanitized version of your childhood. Fair?

Yes. Very sanitized, yeah. Very, very sanitized version of your childhood. Fair? Yes. Very sanitized, yeah. Very, very sanitized. Okay. So, it would not be uncommon for someone who grew up in the home that you grew up in to very much be a pursuer and a people pleaser, someone who made sure everybody else was okay. Oh, yeah. That sure everybody else was okay. Oh yeah.

That's me. A hundred percent. Okay. So when I say you marry your unfinished business, the sentiment is your nervous system, not your, not, this isn't a character issue or what your body is asking. What was so bad about me that that guy left all those years ago? Right. What was so bad about me that stepdad a came in for just a little bit and hung

out with me and then took off. Is that not good enough for him either? And then what happens is your body asks that question over and over and over and over and over again. What about me? What is so bad about me? And you start to solve that problem. I will be, nobody will have any sweat on their glasses. I'm going to wipe it all off. Everyone's going to have a meal in front of them. The laundry is going to be done. I am going to be, and what, without thinking it, without meaning to, you find yourself in another romantic relationship where you're chasing and you end up trying to prove yourself to somebody else and to somebody else and to somebody

else. No, no, no. I'm worth it. I'm worth it. I promise I'm worth it. I promise I'm worth it. Okay. And so that doesn't mean that's who you end up with over time. That doesn't mean that that plays its way out in every situation.

But if you, Jane, have found yourself exhausted in marriage over the last 15, 20, 30 years, or you've got kids now that you love, you love your husband, but not one person has ever asked, Jane, what do you want to do? Then there might be worth asking, have you spent your adult life trying to make sure that nobody ever leaves you again? Even if that costs you the things that you were really interested in, the big curious questions about how the universe worked that you wanted to pursue, but you were too busy making sure everybody else could pursue them. And that may not be you. I don't want to cast that on you, but I'm just using you as an example of that would be marrying your unfinished business. And sometimes you marry somebody who's amazing

and he'll never leave. Often people who went through what you went through as a kid are on marriage number four because they marry people who leave and they try so desperately to solve that. And they can't because it was never their problem to begin with. Your dad left because something was wrong with that dude, not you. Yeah. How's that ringing true? The husband part, he's my first husband. Um,

we've been married for 28 years and, oh, 29 years. We just had an anniversary in November. Congratulations. And, um, thank you.

And, um, but the people pleaser, definitely that is a hundred percent me. I'm, I'm very much a people pleaser. I will, I'll apologize for things that just to keep the peace.

There you go. Like, yeah. Um, but yeah, like I know my sister and I have different views on the way we see my mom as we grew up. Um, so I don't know. I'm just always like trying to see the positive of things. And here's the deal. You're probably both right, by the way. And we are. Both right. We are because I agree with what she says.

But I guess I just choose to see the positive and not dwell on the negative. And what I would tell you is when I say something like your body knows, you go looking every day for the most positive attribute your mom has. Because why not? Right? Why not? What is just at this stage in the game, what is revisiting all this ugly going to do? Right? Right. Let's find the positive and let's sit on that. There's some real value in that. But you have to honor both sides of the ledger because your body is still trying to protect you all the time. So if your mom was unstable, yet she showed up and provided. If your mom paraded a bunch of unsafe men through your house, through a household of little girls,

but man, we never missed a freaking meal. Both things are true And there's some safety in that where you exhale and drop your shoulders and you're like, oh I'm, never gonna miss a meal with her. The heat is never gonna get turned off because she works her butt off She'll do whatever it takes And there's a high alert In your nervous system waiting for who's coming in the door next. Or in your case, who's going to leave next? I do get very, I know my kids have pointed out to me a lot that I get very judgmental.

Okay. When, or not judgmental, but defensive when somebody judges me, I get very, very defensive. Because that's all you got. Because if you're found to be less than, boom, now they have reason to go, which is your body's worst possible fear. It sounds like you did not marry your unfinished business, so kudos to you.

Did you marry an amazing guy? That's good. Huh? Did you marry an amazing guy? That's good. Huh? Did you marry an amazing man? Yes. Awesome. He's not perfect, but I'm not perfect, so. I mean, I am.

So, I mean, y'all two. Of course, none of us are, right? None of us are. No. None of us are. But no, he's a great husband, great father. Awesome. The idea, so, hey, great, great father. Awesome. The idea. So a great, great question. The idea of marrying your

unfinished business is those core issues that came up when we were kids. Why did you leave? How did I make you so angry that you had to hit me that much? Why was my work? Why was perfection? Why were my grades and how nice my bed was made? Why was that more important than you hugging me? Those things get wired into us and we go looking to solve that problem down the road. And I'll keep saying this till I'm blue in the face. That problem is never the kid.

It's always the adult in the room. And then we often crash into a spouse and our body goes, ah, this one feels familiar. I'll solve this one. This guy's really aggressive and I see how angry he is, but I'm going to be so loving he won't hit me. I'm going to fix this cosmic loop and then BAM I'm gonna this guy he's I could tell man I could feel it he leaves he

cheats you know I'm gonna cheat on me I'm gonna be the most perfect wife who ever existed my dad cheated on my mom my granddad you know my grandmother it stops with me and that dude goes and cheats too because your body's solving for homeostasis and safety all the time. And those two things collide. Great, great question, Jane.

Thank you so, so much. I want to tell you, man, I'm proud of you. Because for a sanitizer, as you told it, you grew up in a really tough, tough environment. And it sounds like, of course you're not perfect. But it sounds like you stood in front of the fire and you've changed things for your family. You've got a steady marriage over 30 years. You got grown kids. I'm proud of you. You've given your kids a chance to continue to change that legacy into something that's going to be beautiful. You planted seeds to trees you're never going to get to eat the fruit of. I'm proud of you, Jay.

We'll be right back. You planted seeds to trees you're never going to get to eat the fruit of. I'm proud of you, Jane. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about, though, is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other

people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a

personal point to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice, And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself and sometimes you do this with a group

and Hallow helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Hallow, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show, get three free months when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app

when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, let's go down the street to my hometown Nashville and talk to Lexi. What's up, Lexi? Hi, how's it going? Rocking and rolling. What are you up to?

Good. Nothing much. Just trying to calm my nerves about this call. You're all good. You're all good. What's up? Okay, so I have a kind of description that I'm just going to read because this topic is even hard for me to kind of explain.

So I hope that's okay. But I am a very anxious and I guess you could say paranoid person. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression around four months ago, but my doctor felt like the main cause of that was my sleeping habit. As long as I can remember, I've been scared of very irrational things. It's pretty embarrassing to admit, honestly, since I'm an adult now. But I remember feeling this way as a child. And I feel like it got a lot worse in high school. But as an adult, I still struggle with this. It affects my everyday life. I can pinpoint certain characters that I've seen in TV shows or on the news that trigger me more than others. But mostly when I'm alone or when it's dark, my mind is pretty much convinced that the same episodes I've seen on these TV shows are going to happen to me, even though I know it's not real. So I don't sleep

well because I'm super anxious. I have one eye open and I just last night was up for hours with just super anxious and paranoid thoughts. So yeah, I know that's a lot. Well, I was going to say, welcome to my club. I'm happy to have you as another charter member. You just described me about 12 years ago. So that makes me feel good. It is awesome to have you. I really hope you can help because I've seen, um, three or four

therapists over the years and nobody's ever been able to help me or even give me like sound advice that helps me get to the next step. So I'm like, I feel like if anybody could help, it would be you. So, well, I appreciate that. Um, what, what are some things that they have told you to, what are some attempts they have made in the past? So I did the first therapist I saw, I was in high school. My mom had just seen multiple episodes of me having pretty much panic attacks because I would get so scared of things that were clearly not real. So I went to a therapist and his ideas were to,

at the time I was like scared of taking a shower when I was alone because I had seen a show where a serial killer killed girls in the shower. So I would not shower if nobody was home. So he just encouraged me to do that when no one was there and prove to myself that nothing was going to happen. And that didn't really help at all. And then as an adult, I've seen therapists and they pretty much just tell me to change my thoughts or to pray. And as much as like, I want that to help, it just hasn't done anything for me.

Oh man, hey, if you were here, I would ask, is it okay if I just hug you for a minute? I'm sorry. Yeah, it's pretty hard. I'm really over it. Yeah, I can see. So the guy you actually saw in high school was closer to the truth. Okay.

Okay. Now, had I been working with a teenager, I would not have done it that way because it's pretty abrupt. What he was doing was the nerd word is exposure therapy. And so let's take a snake. So let's say you have a phobia of a snake and like, you can't breathe. You don't sleep like snake, snake, snake, snake, snake, snakes, right? Yeah. What they'll do in, especially with youngsters, but even with adults is they will start with you just sitting in the room. And I want you to imagine a snake and we'll do that

for like, and then we'll play a, we'll play a game, like just to cleanse your, your mental palette. And then, all right, you're going to, for five, for five seconds, for 15 seconds, you're going to picture a snake. And then it moves gradually towards, you're going to color a coloring book that I have here, which is like, like clearly children's cartoons of snakes. You're going to color it. We're going to do it together. And as an adult, you feel like this is the most ridiculous thing I've ever done. It's embarrassing,

but you color it. And what you're slowly doing over time and you end up with the last session is he brings in a giant snake or y'all go to the zoo and you hold a snake together. Cause what you've done is you've gently over time taught your body, tiny step by tiny step, that we're going to be okay. Now, I want to suggest to you something totally different. That's what he was trying to do.

And I actually think there would have been some help there back when you were a kid. But just going, basically what he did was, all right, just go to the zoo and hold a snake. You'll be fine. Your body was like, like now. So yeah, he skipped a bunch of steps, but I want to ask you a different kind of question. Okay. Okay. What if, what if your body's right? Um, that's a good question. Let me ask this i guess i'm gonna i'm gonna say this uh and it's gonna sound crazy i don't think there's something wrong with lexi okay okay i don't think something's wrong with you

i want to at least sit for a minute with the idea that lexi's body's working perfectly so if that was the case and we backed out 30,000 feet and I was sitting right next to you so we're all good. Yeah. What is Lexi scared of? That's a good question. I've tried to think about this

a few times and it's like... Let me say it differently. I asked it wrong. Yeah. What is Lexi's body trying to protect her from? Um, I, I really don't like the feeling of being scared. I think that's like above a layer above where I guess you're probably trying to go, but I don't like the feeling of being scared is something I think I'm scared of.

Okay. Okay. Absolutely. And so like, for example, last night I heard it was storming in Nashville. I'm sure you heard. It was a madhouse. My daughter ended up in our bed. Yeah, it was a whole thing. Yeah.

Oh gosh. Yeah, it was loud. And I heard something. It ended up being our shutter fell off our house. But in the middle of the night, I heard the bang. And in my head, I was like, okay, someone just came in our backyard. They're going to come kill us. Like, my kids are going to have to watch.

I had these crazy thoughts spiraling throughout my head. And I, like, fully believed that that was about to happen. And the feeling of, like, the anxiety and just, like, the waiting, I guess, is really what triggers me the most. It was like I couldn't relax because I just was like so sure something was coming and I don't know. I want to suggest something else. Yeah. That's a drug for Lexi.

Okay. You get high off the flood of adrenaline and cortisol and here it comes. It's showtime. It's game time now. And when you don't have that in your real life, and maybe you grew up,

you and I could sit down for an hour. And by the way, you're in Nashville. Come down and visit me in the studio. That'd be fun. We can hang out. But like for, you're like, yeah, for sure. Never gonna happen ever. So if you grew up in a wild situation,

in an unsafe home, your body put a GPS pin in in these moments of, I'm free falling. Okay? And maybe you didn't. Maybe you grew up in a perfectly safe home and cool. No, I did. Okay. So if you grew up in chaos or not? Yeah, in chaos.

Okay. So think of it this way. Your body put a GPS pin in. At any moment, this thing comes down. Mm-hmm. And it is simply all the time, 24-7, 365, your body is trying to take care of Lexi. Yeah. It's just trying to take care of you.

And so it has put a bunch of GPS pins in darkness and in noise and in hovering scary pictures. Do you have an, do you have abuse in your background? Um, not, um, physically, but mental. Yeah. Yeah. I had a pretty rough relationship with my dad and there were quite a few episodes, um, that happened as a child. My mom is convinced that that's what this is all rooted in.

But when somebody says like, oh, it's all rooted in this, what they're going to tell you is, so now that's not there, just get over it. Yeah. And what I want to tell you is it's baked into your nervous system. It's part of you. So your body is working great. The one freaking guy that was supposed to take care of, be the safe, warm place for his daughter

went to war with her. Right? Yeah. And so you pull that image away and your brain goes searching for the next image to plop in there and you just happen to sit down in front of a TV show

where someone's getting hacked up in a shower. Yeah. And you're like, oh, that's how it will happen. Yeah. And then eventually, you have to take a shower you have to and you figure it out and figure it out and figure it out and your body goes all right that's not it it's gonna be this and it just keeps moving and moving and moving and moving i would be stunned and i never ever ever ever do this on this show okay i i'm in fact i'm not gonna do it on this show. Okay. I, in fact, I'm not going to do it on the show. I want you to go talk to a counselor and I want you to ask if they will give you an OCD diagnostic or an OCD analysis. Okay. Okay. I would be surprised if there's not

some sort of the trend line between OCD and anxiety is very thin. But when I sat down with the doctor and walked through and he was like, oh, dude, clearly right here, it gave me so much peace. Okay. Okay. Yeah. It's interesting because I almost included in my question. I don't have, I'm not diagnosed with OCD, but I'm pretty sure that I have some sort of it. Don't do a Google diagnostic because that is, but I do want you to go talk to somebody and say, hey, would you give me an inventory and see if this is what this is? Because it just moves. Because your doctor's right. Nothing in your body works if you're not sleeping. Yeah. How old's your baby? I have a one-year-old. She just turned one.

And then a six-year-old and an eight-year-old stepson. So we have a busy house. How dark can we get real quick? Quick. Whatever you think. Did you have some looping, pretty awful thoughts? Yeah, I did. And we also had, my daughter had really serious health issues last May and she pretty much did die at the hospital and they were able to save her, but that definitely spiraled me as well.

But hold on, you had some thoughts that you were concerned if somebody knew it was in your mind, they're going to take your kids, didn't you? Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure. Okay. Yeah. And then you take those thoughts and you bury them in the deepest recesses of your soul and you can't sleep, you can't breathe. And then your machine loops up again and it goes in again and it goes in again. And then is your husband a pretty good guy? He is, yeah.

He actually is the one that told me about your show. I'm so thankful. Well, he's, he's grasping at a ghost cause he loves you so much. He doesn't know how to reach you cause you're so far inside of yourself. Yeah. But I need you to hear me say you're not broken. Thank you. Do you trust me?

Yes. I trust you. I know it's weird to think that your body's working just as it should. Here's what we have to do. It's, um, there's like a, you ever been in. I know it's weird to think that your body's working just as it should. Here's what we have to do. It's, um, there's like, uh, you ever been in the shower and it's facing in the door? And so you open the shower door and you turn on the shower and it shoots you right in the face and you're in your full clothes and you're like, wah! Because it's just, all we need to do here is turn the nozzle the other way. Your body's working great.

It has just identified darkness as the end of time. It has identified loud noises or scary thoughts as it's all over now. And it is not something that you can think or just quote unquote pray your way out of. It is a biochemical response. Your body dumps cortisol and adrenaline into your body. That's why you can't sleep. Has nothing to do with you being crazy. It has to do with your body is filled with fight or flight chemicals.

Yeah. I always say I'm like, I could run a marathon. It would be in the middle of the night. Exactly. And you just lay in bed and you're like, all right, well,

I'm just going to lay here. I'm going to lay here. Right. Yeah. And then no matter how much you're just laying all right, well, I'm just going to lay here. I'm going to lay here, right? Yeah. And then no matter how much you're just laying there at 614, can I have a snack? Can I have a snack? Right?

It just starts up again. Yeah. Yep. Okay. Pretty much. That's how it goes. You're not crazy. That feels good to hear.

Okay. You're not crazy. Yeah. So I want to give you, you got a lot of work ahead of you. I'm not going to lie to hear. Okay. You're not crazy. Yeah. So I want to give you, you got a lot of work ahead of you. I'm not gonna lie to you. Okay. Okay.

I do think there's, um, I'm going to send you both of my books cause I wrote them for you. Okay. A lot of people get a lot of benefit from them, but I wrote them for you because you and I have very similar situations. Okay. That's helpful. Yeah. Thank you because you and I have very similar situations. Okay?

That's helpful. Yeah, thank you. I want you to know this, though. You're going to have to be willing to let this go as an identity. Okay. You're going to have to just force yourself in a scary moment. You are going to have to do that, but that's down the road. What I'm saying is right now you have identified yourself as I'm an anxious parent, an anxious person, and I'm scared of being scared. Yeah.

The problem is you wear that as a badge, as a label that you've put on your lapel. Yeah, that's true. And I want that crap gone. You're an awesome, badass mom and wife who grew up in hell and has done a pretty amazing job with three little ones of her own. That's who you are. You're not a scaredy whatever. Your body, yeah, your body overreacts for sure. And you hear how, here's what I want you to do. Stop being afraid of your own body because what you're going to end up doing

is you're going to start asking yourself, what are you trying to protect me from? That sentence changed my life because I'd put my hand on my chest and I'd say, what are you trying to protect me from? My things, where's the economy? Every time I looked at a, I saw a red ticker on the ticker tape,

a little red arrow pointing down. My body dropped into my, my stomach dropped. It was game time. It was fight or flight. Every time I got a bill in the mail, it was, it would never stop. You can't live like that. Right. But I started asking myself, what are you trying to protect me from? Oh, from the stock market. Of course it's going to crash. The people are crazy. And of course it's going to just keep coming back until it doesn't. Yeah. And it was this gentle, dude, my body's working awesome. It's just identified the wrong villain, but you have to decide to give up the identity that I'm crazy because you're not. Yeah. That's, I guess I never really thought about it that way, but I, I definitely do. When I think about who I am. That is at the top of the list.

I'm a scaredy cat. I'm afraid of everything. You're not. You're not. You're a little girl wondering what you did so badly, what was so bad about you that your dad treated you like that. Yeah, that makes sense. Tonight, I want you to write that eight-year-old girl a letter

and say, dear eight-year-old Lexi, I freaking love you, and I'm holding you as tight as I can because that should not have happened to you. And if I'd been your mom, that wouldn't have happened. I can do that. Okay. You got to let that little girl go. And you might be a 10-year-old and I might be a 15-year-old, and as you write these letters, more crap's probably going to come up.

But I want you to slowly sit with them and I want you to make that a practice. I've got several letters written to myself over the years. Here's another. I want to give you this glimmer of hope before I let you go, okay? Because you and I could talk for hours just kind of piecing this thing together. Yeah. But I think more than a bunch of tasks that you could google at the end of the day i think i need you to hear me say you're not crazy i need you to hear me last night what happened

okay i've been sick and so i was sleeping upstairs in our guest room okay it's right up it's in it's a converted attic so it's right up against the ceiling. And last night the storms were nuts. Yeah, they were. And I woke up, my heart was racing. The wind was just whipping.

The rain was so hard. Bam, bam. I heard the trash cans flying around outside. Cause I live out in the country. And I started laughing. I started laughing. And I thought, man, they are getting it out there. Then I said, thank God we needed this rain bad,

and I rolled over, and I got an 87 on my sleep score last night, which is pretty high for me. Wow. Okay? Okay. Here's why I tell you that. I need you to believe me that healing is possible if you put this work in. Okay. You're going to have to have some time in the darkness, right? And they're probably

going to have you draw a picture of what, of dark, of a dark room with a little kid in it. And if you want to do that with your husband, all do it together because don't do this by yourself But y'all to draw a picture of just for a week at nighttime Just going to draw a picture of a little kid in a room that's dark And when your body starts going I want you to feel it put your hand on your chest and go man My body feels like there's somebody coming to this door right now But i'm safe now And then I want you to draw that picture

on a nightly basis or an afternoon basis with your husband until you don't, until your body doesn't take off on you anymore. Okay. And then, all right, it's just going to keep ramping up

and ramping up until you can't freaking wait for the darkness. And by the way, every once in a while, I go into the house and I'm like, something doesn't feel right in here. I don't,

I don't care. It's just trying to take care of me again. It's fine. I'm not going to war with my body anymore. That would be a great feeling. Wouldn't that be awesome? Okay. Can you undeclare war against Lexi starting today?

That doesn't mean anything's going to be better tomorrow. You're still going to have trouble sleeping tonight. All that. Let's undeclare war from Lexi tonight. And I want you to put a journal by your bed. Someone's probably told you this. Every irrational, all that. Let's undeclare war from Lexi tonight, and I want you to put a journal by your bed. Someone's probably told you this. Every irrational, wild thought, I want you to write it down.

Okay. Okay? I heard the shutter blow off. Someone's in the backyard. We're all going to die. Write that down. Get out of your body and onto a piece of paper.

Okay. Okay? Mm-hmm. Will you do that? Yes, I can do that. All right. That seems like a tangible step. Will you and your husband come over

and get some free coffee and hang out? Yes, he would love that. We actually saw you one night at Five Guys, and my husband was like, that's John Deloney. I had no clue who you were at the time, and I'm like, who the heck is John Deloney? He was like, fangirling.

And then he ended up showing me your your show and I've listened ever since but he would yeah y'all come up here tell him tell him you're on the show and that uh we're gonna hang out and then we'll be it'll be awesome okay okay and um if you come visit me in person I'll give you a couple of names of some local people that I trust that I think would be worth seeing. That would be amazing. I was going to ask if you could do that. Is that cool? Thank you. Yes. All right. Hang on the line. I'm going to hook you up with those free books and we'll get them shipped out to you. And I hope to see you guys in the studio soon. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings

and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. As we wrap up today's show, man, maybe my favorite new singer right now. It reminds me a lot of Mike Ness, but he is singing some country music. His name is Zach Bryan. I mean, anything he's putting out these days is amazing.

Song's called Something in the Orange, and it goes like this. It'll be fine by dusk light, I'm telling you, baby. These things eat at your bones and drive your young mind crazy, but when you place your head between my collar and jaw, I don't know much, but there's no weight at all. And I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't know much, but there's no weight at all. And I'm damned if I do and damned

if I don't, because I say I miss you. I know that you won't, but I miss you in the mornings when I see the sun. Something in the orange tells me we're not done. Go listen to every song Zach Bryan has, man. He's pretty good. Pretty good. He's actually amazing. Amazing. Love you guys. Stay in school. See you soon.