The Dr. John Delony Show - It’s Been Five Years and He Still Hasn’t Proposed

Episode Date: December 18, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A woman whose boyfriend of five years won’t propose - A woman unsure of how to ask her mother to stop giving her family gifts - A mom-to-be struggling with body image Lyrics of the Day: "You're Losing Me" - Taylor Swift Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Building a Non-Anxious Life Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past five years, and recently I gave him a marriage ultimatum. We're coming up to the end of that. He is telling you, I've got other priorities that are not you right now. Why do you want to force him to marry you? What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show, the greatest mental health and marriage and parenting and whatever else you got going on in your life podcast ever, ever.

Kelly, the producer who normally produces this show Is gone, sitting at home Staring off into space Actually, she lives in a pretty amazing trailer And she's just hanging out in the trailer And she has like the entire library of Days of Our Lives All 25 years of it And she's starting with episode one And wearing her sweats, smoking menthols

And she is not going to get up from her seat until that series is over. And so Jenna's running the board. It's good to see you, Jenna. Yeah, it's great to be here. We're shooting this the day before Thanksgiving and pretty much the entire company's not here except for,

except for me and all of us in here. Yeah. Jenna has a, as a, like a really phenomenal skill of making her thing, everybody in the club, about her. And so you're right. But it's good to see you. Yes.

This is going to be the best show we've ever done because Grandma Kelly's not here. And we have a wild studio audience that's just screaming and yelling out there. It's good to see everybody. If you want to be on this show after that extraordinary introduction, give me a buzz at 1-844- 693-3291. Leave a message, and Jenna and Kelly will check it out and get back to you and see if we

can get you in on the show. Let's go out to Blythewood, South Carolina, and talk to the great and wonderful Jasmine. What's up, Jasmine? Hi, Dr. John. What's happening? Not much. It's a beautiful day here today. That's fantastic. It's a rainy, gray, sad, cold day here, which I kind of love. What's up? So I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past five years. Okay. And recently I gave him a marriage ultimatum. Oh, no, you didn't.

Did you really? I did. How's that working out for you? Well, we're coming up to the end of that, I guess, line. No way. And I'm honestly not sure what to do. How long did you give him in your ultimatum? Three months.

And so how many days are left? Just over 30. I would break up right now. Do you all live together? We do. Yeah. I would say, hey, I'm going to go ahead and move out this weekend. And I love you.

I'll probably always love you. And it's been so great. Wow. Is that not what you thought I was going to say? No, I honestly, I was hoping you'd say more, but I honestly expected it. Here's why I'm saying that. Number one, I dated my wife for five years off and on. We broke up a whole bunch. We were in college, out of college, all that. So the time doesn't bother me. Some couples date for six years, seven years. Some couples date for three months, right?

That's just life. And I'm sure there's some data there. I really don't care to read it. It just is what it is. But for whatever reason, and you've heard me say this on the show a million times, behavior is a language. And for whatever reason, he is telling you, I've got other priorities that are not you right now. And your priorities are security and safety. Your priorities are maybe him. Maybe they're a bigger global picture. Maybe they're, hey, my clock is ticking. Hey, who knows what your priorities are, but they're different. And my concern about a marriage ultimatum, either by this date or I'm

out, is even if he says, okay, will you marry me? And you go, oh my gosh, yes. He will always know he entered into this thing, this forever thing, being dragged behind a car. And you'll always know I had to drag him into this. And I just worry about the long-term, how often that resurfaces. I didn't even want to do this. You forced this. Is this how you're going to handle all of our problems? It just creates downstream ripples that I don't even know if you can see them yet. So tell me about this guy. Why do you want to marry him? Or another question,

why do you want to force him to marry you? Honestly, he's a great guy. He's a great dad to my kids. He's not their biological dad, but he's been there for the last five years. Okay, you just gave me two things that have nothing to do with how well y'all

work together romantically and how y'all are building a life together. That is true. So give me that info. Honestly, we're struggling on that info. No, tell me. No way. Really? And I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing with you. Of course you're struggling. Tell me about it. We're struggling. Um, the communication isn't like it used to be. We're not communicating

much at all. We're mostly talking in regards to the kids and nothing more honestly at this point. Right. Intimacy in all forms or have been out the window. Okay. Yeah, we're not in the best of place. And so what about this is marriage going to solve? I don't understand. I'm not sure. I don't think it will solve anything. I think in the back of my mind, that was my way of getting him out,

which sounds horrible now that I say it out loud. Getting out of this relationship? Yeah. Oh, sweetheart. Tell me more about that. I love him dearly. I just don't see how it can be fixed at this point. And I figured, well, maybe if I throw marriage out there and I give him this ultimatum and he doesn't come on know, come on board, then I'll say, well, you are the reason why. Oh man. That's, that's, I'm, I'm giving you high five for the courage to say that out loud. Most people would cower behind dishonesty there and you're not, you're a person of integrity, even though you're doing a kind of a shady thing, you're a person of integrity while you're doing it, right?

Why don't you believe enough in yourself to call it? Because of my kids. So you want to be able to manufacture a story that, hey, honey, hey, kids, he left us, just like your dad did? No, I don't. You're right. I need to have the courage to say something. And I feel like I've been telling him over the years for the last, honestly, two years that I've been unhappy that we need to talk more, that we need to try counseling. And he just doesn't seem receptive. He keeps telling me how important work is and other things around the house are. And I'm like,

we don't even go on dates, like what's going on. What happened with your children's father? So my first husband is my oldest's father. He was very abusive, so that relationship didn't work. And my daughter's father was just never in the picture. Okay. So you have two kids? Yeah.

Are you sick of... Because you've been alone twice with different relationships and a child. And you've also been alone for a couple of years inside of this relationship. Are you sick of being alone? I think so.

Yeah. I'm almost sick of it for you. I can't, it's not my job. I can't do that for you, but I'm almost heartbroken for you. Are you scared to be a single mom with two kids again? Definitely. Tell me about that. It was, it was my biggest fear when I had my daughter and I didn't expect that I would be a single mom of two by myself. And when it happened, it was just like, okay, you know what, let's follow this pill and move on and handle it. And it just happens to be that I met him five months after my daughter was born. So five months into being the single mom of two, I met him. And it's like I said, it's been a great relationship up until a certain point.

And I don't know how to fix it or what to do to nudge it over in the right direction. Has it been a great relationship up until two years ago? Or was it, did it begin in chaos and it provided you a life raft in a raging sea. No. It was good?

I wouldn't say that. I would say it was good. I was doing my own thing. I had just bought a house. I was living in a new state. Everything was fresh and going well between me and my kids. The school was going good. I had this pretty settled life and everything was okay

and I just kind of met him and things blossomed. Then I sold my house, I moved to a new state to be closer. It took a while, I felt like throughout our relationship everything was kind of done on his terms and the more that happened, the more resentment kind of built it up. There you go. How long's that been building?

For a long time, I bet, huh? It's been building. Because listen, when you hear this, when it comes out, I want you to pay special attention to that last maybe minute and a half. When you told me about having your second kid and buying a house and school was settled, your whole voice changes. You remember walking tall, even though you were in a really difficult situation financially.

You have two little kids. You got no help. And then when you start talking about well I sold my house I moved to a new state everything in your vocal tone changes as though you're getting dragged back underwater and then it didn't surprise me at all real quick you mentioned

then the resentment starts building that you're basically you and your two kids are a cog in his life does that feel right? yeah That you're basically, you and your two kids are a cog in his life. Does that feel right? Yeah. And here's the thing.

I wouldn't do this job. I wouldn't work with married couples behind closed doors. I wouldn't do that if I didn't think there was always a possibility, a chance back. Not back, a chance forward, a chance to build something new. But it sounds to me like you've been trying to do that for a long time and he just has no interest in it. And, I mean, to be frank, why would he? You're probably not going anywhere. Right?

Yeah, my friends keep saying the same thing. They've been saying the same thing for the last two years. You're probably not going anywhere. You've been saying you're gonna go and you're still here Yeah, you should use that threat so many times when you said you got 90 days to marry me or i'm out He's like, okay. Sure You want arby's? You're like like, okay So What happens tonight if you sat down and said, hey, I think we're done.

I love you. You've been so great to my kids last five years. You're really the dad that they know. And we met in a really vulnerable moment for me and a vulnerable season for me. And I'm so grateful that you were there for me. But you don't love me. You don't want to be married. What do you say as adults we call this?

And we'll figure out the finances and I'll figure out what to do. And we'll go from there. Because you'll have a legal claim to some of the house. You'll have a legal claim to some of the assets and all that stuff. Y'all can be adults about it and split it up because you're not even married. Or you can go to court and this whole thing is going to be a nightmare. What does he say

if you say that? Does he sound relieved? Do you sound relieved? I think I'll sound relieved and he'll sound kind of like, what? What's been going on? Like,

he's been out of the loop in a sense, but he hasn't been. Would there be a possibility that you could walk back like, hey, I've asked you to go to counseling nine times in the last two years. I even concocted a story that said I was breaking up with you if you didn't marry me. And now we're a month out. Like we're done.

We haven't held hands in two years. We haven't been on a date in three years. I have no friends. We don't have couples over. We don't, see in two years. We haven't been on a date in three years. I have no friends. We don't have couples over. We don't, see what I'm saying? Like, is there a way just to kind of lay out the data there? Yeah, there is. So what's your reluctance?

Do you have a job? I do. You make good money? I do. So financially, you can walk away. You can go get an apartment today. Take two kids. Or after Thanksgiving, you can take your two kids.

You could do that, huh? No, it's my house, so he'd be the one moving out. That's what I'm talking about! So you can give him 30 days. Yes. I mean, see what I'm saying? No, you're absolutely right What's the hesitation? If you gave me any

Like any spark In the darkness That he wants to work on this That he's That y'all have just come to an impasse You're not communicating well Intimacy life's over You want some stability He's out just doing his thing Whatever that y'all have just come to an impasse. You're not communicating well. Intimacy life's over.

You want some stability. He's out just doing his thing, whatever. You're tired of being a girlfriend. If you told me that, there's any sort of hope there, I'd be all in, all in. But it sounds like you broke up with him two years ago and you just lived in the same house with him. And then you're trying to, at the very end,

get him to break up with you so you can feel a little bit self-righteous. And in a way that's cruel, it's cruel to your kids. It's cruel to him. And more importantly, it's cruel to you. I just think you're worth more than that. I think if this relationship's over, it needs an adult to say, Hey, I'm just going to call what is. There's always a doctor. It has to be a doctor that comes into an emergency room when a patient has passed. Everybody's been working. Everybody's sweating.

Everybody, sometimes there's tears in people's eyes. There's gauze everywhere. There's blood everywhere. There's instruments everywhere. It's a doctor's job to come in and call it. Time of death is official at this time. And if that's where you are, be the adult here. Clearly you're an adult in other places because you're a mom, two kids. You're a good professional. We make good money. Like, I think it's time.

And maybe he looks at you and says, I'll do anything. If he does, great. You can say, cool. We got to build something completely new starting today. Hope that's the case. I really do. Thanks for the call, Jasmine. The best, the best, the best of luck to you.

I'd love to know how that conversation goes. If you'll holler back at us and let us know. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest,

a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your

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to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Fort Collins, Colorado and talk to Kate. What's up, Kate? Hi, how are you? I'm great. I'm a lot, sorry. I probably came a little bit strong there. How are you? I'm good. A little under the probably came a little bit strong there. How are you? I'm good. A little under the weather, so bear with my rough sleep. You sounded like you're a couple margaritas into the morning, so that's good.

I wish. I wish. What's up? So I emailed you last week asking how I can get my mom to stop sending us crappy gifts. I'm laughing at you and with you both. Okay, tell me about this. What kind of crappy gifts? It is kind of funny, but it's been going on my whole life, John.

So she will randomly send things that are wrapped. These are gifts. This is like a Christmas or a birthday. I think I even mentioned I one time got a used bar of soap. We have the same monogram. So belts that she pulled out of her husband's closet for my ex-husband. Just really random stuff. And it has always sent the message to me that I'm not worth while. I'm not worth her time, her effort, her money.

And it's crazy how much of a pervasive problem this has been in our relationship. I had to cut her out of my life for a few years and recently brought her back in. And I let her come to our house. I've got four kids and she wanted to come watch my son play football. And I was like, all right, we need to do some maintenance beforehand. And we worked through some things. I've been in therapy. Part of her visitation, I was like, please do not bring anything with you.

She's like, I've got some old pants I've outgrown. I'm like, no, no, you know, thank you. I'll look at them when I come to visit you. Well, she still proceeded to bring all kinds of stuff. She left and then she started mailing things to me and John, it, it just sent me over the edge. I was so, so angry when she sent this last package, it was like broken jewelry and you jewelry and stuff I would never wear. And I've asked her, I've said, if you insist on getting us gifts, just get us gift cards or just don't give us anything at all. And I don't want to come across as ungrateful, but truly I'd rather

just not have anything. I just don't know how to handle it. So, like, in my mind, I instantly go to what seems like a parallel that I know is not, but it seems like a parallel, which is, like, junk mail. We're going to be in your area doing gutters, and we'd love to do your gutters for 10%. And that stuff never even enters my house. It just goes straight from my mailbox into the trash can, into the recycle bin or whatever. So there has to be something deeper. You mentioned earlier, you created a story around these gifts.

The story you created for yourself around these gifts is, my mom thinks so little of me that this is what she thinks I'm worth. Where does that story come from? Well, that's 100% true. Go ahead. I'm sorry. What's the other side? And I always try to think up an alternative story that might counter what the pervasive story I have in my head is. And what if she stole her husband's favorite belt because he loved it so much and was like i'm

gonna give this to her husband like is there a chance that she loves this stuff so much or she just does she have mental health diagnosis like what's this it sounds pathological she can't stop i know um yeah i mean the reason that i gave our relationship almost a five-year break was it was my birthday, and she gave me this necklace. And if she had not said anything, I probably wouldn't have received it the way that I did. But she was like, I know you don't like blue, and I know you don't like silver, but it was really expensive. And it wasn't. I took it back and was able to exchange it for a tube of mascara. Um, you know, I, I don't know what it is. I don't know if she's just like,

I have to show up with something. So I've got to, you know, do this, but you know, I've, I've been, my therapist said, maybe you could just ship it back to her, which requires, you know, work on my part. Yeah. I don't want to do chores for something, but I bet, but here's the thing. I got a buddy and he believes it is wholly inhospitable to show up to an invitation to somebody's house. Even if it's just like, Hey, come on over. We're filling the blank. We're watching the game or come on over. He cannot like psychologically enter into somebody's home without a welcome gift of some sort. And he has shown up to my house with like ends of mesquite wood, like in a bag.

They go on a grill. And it would never occur to me to bring. So I, but I always look past it to, this is his small wife's in. Thanks for having me over. And I guess in my head, there's no skin off of it, but I haven't created a story around it. So I guess the question I would ask you is, what's more important,

your relationship with your mom or the story? Because the things that she's given you are benign. Unless it is her subtly and with a great amount of like claw digging, like just taking a dig. This is her way of flipping you off and being able to go, what, what? That's how it feels. But I, is that how it is?

I'm trying to air that she loves me and that, you know, cause I would never engage in that behavior with my own children. Of course. And yeah. So let's, let's road test it. Imagine you've written that on a note card. My mom sends me gifts in the form of like broken jewelry and whatever, dolls with missing eyeballs. And she gives me gifts that she says out loud, I know you're not going to like this, but wow, I spent a bunch of money on it.

Put that on a note card and imagine a note card and hold it as far away as you can. Like put your arm way out there and road test it. Read that. Is that story true? Is it true? I don't care how it feels. Is that story true? Yeah, it is.

Okay. Then you've answered your question. And I think the humane thing to do is the way that you don't lose your humanity is you continue to treat somebody with dignity or in respect, even if they don't offer you the same. I'm a big believer in this. I think it would heal a lot of our world. But you tell her with all dignity and respect hey i've asked you multiple times since we're back together we're back in each other's lives to not bring gifts and you seem unable to not do that i'm gonna have to for my sake for my kids sake i'm gonna have to um put up some pretty significant boundaries let that be that if you ghost her i think that's cruel and if if you, if you mail it back, I, and that just feels petty to me. I don't want to bad mouth your counselor. It just feels

like I'll show you like, yeah, like that just feels like I'm not going to solve anything. I think you're right back. Throw it in the trash. I mean, you can, you still in the trash. I'd always have that fear that she dropped a diamond ring in there or something. Don't believe me. We think that every time. Every time everyone's hopes gets up, and we're 100% always disappointed. But I like where you're saying just test it if it's true, and then the boundary is no more. If it's true, it's true.

I'm trying to think of something. I've used this example before, but my wife and I will have a conversation about hey, you're like wet towels on the floor and Like can you please that like makes me crazy? I don't know why it just does And then I walk in the next day and that wet towels on the floor And instantly I create a story about oh, dude, she is flipping me off She knows I was vulnerable. I told her

it's a big deal to me and she just dropped it here on purpose. I can make that story up. And then when I think of that story in context with the extraordinary woman that I married, who spends most of her life making sure that I know I'm loved and that my life runs like in any shape, form or fashion. Then I can make up another story, which is my God, what had to happen today? Right after we just talked about this, that there's another towel here. This house must've got off the rails. My kids must've been trying to set things on fire and bury the dog in the yard and barbecue like the neighbors, like pet, like what? It must've been so bananas here. And I pick up the towel and I like the neighbor's pet. It must have been so bananas here.

And I pick up the towel and I go on about my day. See what I'm saying? So if you look at that and go, no, no, no, this was on purpose. She's trying to rub salt in a pretty deep wound. Cool. You've got your answer and it's hard and it's heartbreaking. You'll have to agree the fact that your mom would rather flip you off than honor you and your kids. I can't think of a thing that would be worse than that.

Yeah, it's hard. And that's where I've struggled with just, it's not really about the gifts, John. Oh, I know it's not. She spits on your boundaries.

It's so bad when I'm around her. Yeah. She spits on your boundaries. And my guess is this isn't the only thing she violates. Oh dear, no. No. Yeah. So I think what you need to make peace with

is entering into a season of grief. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Because either your mom is like wholly unwell and unwilling to go get well, or your mom enjoys watching you squirm. Mm, yeah. go get well or your mom enjoys watching you squirm. Yeah. Okay.

And I hate that for you. I wish that wasn't the case. I don't think anybody should have to deal with that with their mom. Same. Yeah. All right. Yeah. I hate it for you, but I think it's right.

If you can hold that in an imaginary note card, or if you're a gangster, write it in a real note card. Hold it out in front of you. Is this true? Did that guy really cut me off in traffic because he's just doing drugs and wants to see us all die? Or did he cut me off in traffic because he's trying his best to get to the hospital

before his wife dies? I get to pick whichever one of those stories. But if you know one to be true, if he flips you off all the way over and he's eyeballing you to get to the hospital before his wife dies. I get to pick whichever one of those stories. But if you know one to be true, if he flips you off all the way over and he's eyeballing you and he cuts you off, you know that story's true. If your mom keeps doing it, mom, do not send stuff. Okay, okay. She shows up with a bunch of stuff and goes,

I know you won't even like this one. Yeah. Unfortunately, it sounds like mom may be opting out of your relationship. I'm sorry. Especially, especially after you tried, let her back in right here during the holiday season. Spend some time in grief and please, please, please continue to honor your mother, not by letting her run all over your family and hurt you and your kids. Honor your mom by being honest, telling her the truth, and putting up very, very firm boundaries

that are going to hold. Then maybe you sit down up against one of those boundaries and just weep. It's not supposed to be this way. Thanks for your call, Kate. We'll be right back. I'm so proud that Thorne Supplements, my favorite supplements on the planet, have continued to partner with me and our show listeners for health, longevity, and just feeling good.

Thorne is one of our longest standing partners on this show, and it's because I trust them, I use them, I read their research papers, and I know their products are great and that my fans will love them too. Here's the deal with supplements. There's so, so much garbage out in the marketplace. And other than my admitted gummy candy problem, I'm pretty freakish about what I put in my body. And that's why I trust my health and the health of my family with Thorne. Personally, I've been taking Thorne supplements for years and years, way before I was on the internets with these shows. And my wife and kids have been taking them as well. And here's what I take every single day. I take the super EPA fish oil, the methylated B vitamins, creatine, phosphatidylserine, and more. I take Thorne for specific physiologic needs for me to keep my body and mind optimized and for overall longevity and health. And here's

the cool thing. We've set up an amazing opportunity for all of the listeners of the Dr. John Deloney show. 25% off everything in the Thorne store and not just on your first visit, but every time you make a purchase through our page and our account. This isn't a sale that's going to change from week to week. All you do is go online, create an account through my page, and you'll get 25% off from here on out forever. It's that easy. Go to thorne.com slash you slash Deloney. That's thorne, T-H-O-R-N-E dot com slash the letter U slash Deloney for 25% off everything in the store. I trust Thorne. My family trusts Thorne. And you can trust Thorne too. Let's go out to Glendale, Arizona and talk to Kylie.

What's up, Kylie? Hi, Dr. John. Thank you so much for taking my call. Of course. What's up? Not too much. Just kind of been anticipating this and I'm kind of nervous. Well, just pull up a seat and grab some nachos and we can hang out. It's all good. What's up? That sounds good. So my original question that I sent in was along the lines of how can I embrace and learn to appreciate my body

during pregnancy? Um, I've struggled with poor body image and low self-esteem for the majority of my life. And now it seems to be more prevalent. And I, I don't know if you need background information. I feel like it's pretty straightforward. It always feels that way and it never is. Who told you you're not beautiful? I think I just lived my life really comparing myself to a lot of people starting at a young age. Did somebody teach you that? You know, I don't know. I feel like it was, I don't know. I, I feel like it was, I don't know. I feel like I'm just overly critical

and I'm the hardest critic on myself. And I know, but who taught you that Kylie? Why are you nervous to say often people who are very, very self-critical were also in charge of other people's emotions all the time. Yeah. Whose emotions were you in charge of all the time? I mean, I'm just the oldest of four. And so I feel like it was kind of my job to be the example to my siblings and, um,

you can't say, you can't say, I don't know, my mom. You can't say, I'm sorry, I keep interrupting. I know I'm bad about that. You can't even say mom and dad, can you? I can't because it just, I mean, they did so much for me growing up and I really feel like I had a good childhood, but it's just, it's been really prevalent lately. Just how critical I am. Yeah. So I'm going to tell you right now, one of the keys to being well moving forward is both and. Okay.

Okay. Both and. That's going to be your guiding light in the dark Moving forward Okay Your mom and dad were amazing And they were also really really hard on you And your mom and dad provided you with meals and a home and college and all the stuff

And you also had to dance, monkey dance. And you knew if I say this, dad's going to get real pissed off. And if I do this, mom loses her cool. And dad looks at you and goes, why'd you make mom mad? You've been in charge of their emotions forever. Yeah, I think it was hard. My dad worked out of town a lot while I was growing up. And so I've just gone back and kind of felt like I just had to kind of be okay as the oldest.

Were you your mom's best friend? I wouldn't say that, but as I got older, I feel like, you know, I just had to kind of pick up the slack and help out around the house more. Oh, sweetheart. You're so awesome. All right. I'm going to give, as we talk, I'm going to give you like some homework assignments. Will you commit to doing them? Yes. Okay. One of the assignments is I want you to, and this is going to sound so cheesy and dumb. Okay. Okay.

Okay. I want you to draw a picture. And if you have crayons or matte pencils in your house, I want you to use color. Okay. And there's a specific reason. I won't get all nerdy out, but there's a reason. I want you to draw as vivid a picture as possible of you at 12.

Okay. Okay. Okay. And I want you to be very intentional about the things you were self-conscious of in your body at 12. Okay. You're too flat chested. You were too busty for a 12 year old, for all your friends. You're, you're, you had too big a tummy or you were too tall and skinny, whatever the things were that you knew you were out of bounds on. Okay. Okay. And then with that piece of, with that picture in front of you, I want you to do a free write for 15 minutes. I want you to set a clock and I want you to write 12 year old Kylie a letter. Okay.

And I want it to start with dear Kylie. I'm so, so proud of you. And I can't believe you were worried about fill in the blank can be very specific. And do you remember that time? Mom commented on this or the boy on the bus commented about this or you had a boyfriend and he commented about that? Okay. Okay. And if you really commit to it, my guess is

there'll be a crack in the facade you've built because your facade is incredible. You're real good. You've been protecting people for a long time. Okay. All right. So that's step one. All right. Okay. Step two is this, is this your first baby, first pregnancy? Yes. And I think that's what I've struggled with is, excuse me, my husband and I, we got pregnant quickly. Like, um. And I think I didn't really mentally prepare myself for all of the changes. And I don't know if you ever can be mentally prepared, but it's just like not only is pregnancy been hard physically, it's just like the mental toll of it is also like another level that I haven't experienced. So is there a chance that the thing that haunted you as a 12 and 15 and 17 and 19 and 20 year old, when everything just feels too much, that's what your body automatically defaults to, to just loop and cycle on that?

That place where you're not enough, you're not enough, on that that place where you're not enough you're not enough you're not enough you're not enough yeah and it's just so frustrating because i know i am but i feel like i've just grown up with that cycle that it's just like no matter what i tell myself it's like oh but you know you really you're just saying that to yourself. You know, it can't be all true. Like, I know I'm loved. I know I'm valued and cherished. Oh, there's no question. Because my mind is just so powerful, you know. Yeah, there's no question.

The only person that doesn't believe that is you. Yeah. Everybody around you can tell you that. Your husband loves you, doesn't he? Yes, he's very good to me. Probably in a kind of a grody way, right? Yeah, he's been the best and just so supportive through this too. Have you looked at him sometimes and not said anything, but in your mind thought you're crazy? Yeah, yeah.

And he's watching you, how far along are you? 14 weeks. Okay. So you haven't seen a drastic change physically. No. What I think what kind of scared me and kind of initiated this call was I was really sick my first trimester. And actually between my first and second appointment appointment lost quite a bit of weight. And it just scared me because initially when I knew how much weight I lost, I was like, oh, that's good. Like I'm losing weight. This is great. But then I had to rethink it and say, no, like I have another life that I'm in charge of now that needs nourishment. And you know, this is not good. So I think that's what, like, I just don't want to have thatishment and you know this is not good so I think that's what like I just don't want to have that mindset you know it's not a mindset how long have you struggled with anxiety

um you know I've always felt like I'm a pretty even mellow go with the flow person but Kylie no you haven't I know you haven't but then then when I think about it, it's like, I am sometimes not okay. Like how I deal with things, I just would rather shut down than like actually deal with stuff. And I really do think I am anxious and it's hard, you know, it's hard to manage. And even, I don't know, it's been a hard wake-up call for me. Okay, so I want you for the first time in your life to consider that the anxiety that you feel, and by the way, I believe with all my guts and intellect that anxiety and depression are on the same trend line. Okay.

And your body will try to get your attention and try to get your attention and try to get your attention and it will just shut the system down. Yeah. And does that ring true with you? Yeah. And I think I just, you know, try and shove it down. That's right. Because you had to, you had to. You basically had a single mom with a drop-in dad and you had three or four little ones that you were in charge of, and you were in charge of mom. And I know you're like, well, it was all perfect. It wasn't.

You know it. I know it. But you can deal with that later. And then, so your body has been scanning the environment 24-7 rapidly and with great intensity for your whole life. Yeah. And you may have gotten some exhale when you found this knuckle-headed cute boy who said i'll love you forever and ever and you're like Wahoo And then you finally find not not a voice

But you find his presence and he's close and he's connected and he's strong and he listens to you And he holds you and your body maybe for the first time in your life, starts to go ah. And then, damn it, you're pregnant! Right after that. And then it's like, oh my gosh, what's going to happen? What if there's war? What if climate change is real? What if this? What if we're going to have any money?

We're not going to be able to go to college. Is college still going to be here? And it just keeps going, right? Yes. Yes. A never-ending loop, honestly. I want you to consider something. Okay.

What if your body's working perfectly? Okay. Okay. What if it's working for you? What if it is a mix of experiences you've had plus genetics plus all these things that when it sounds the alarms, this is what it feels like. And you've heard me say this a million times on the show. If your smoke detector goes off in your kitchen, it's not the smoke detector that's the problem. It's the fire that's the problem.

And so it may be that you need to go have, go on an expedition, a loving one, a curious one one not a judgmental one a huh i wonder why that thing's going off not a ah it's going off i gotta shove it all down until the system collapses no let's just go look and see okay okay your body is growing a human yeah your body is loved by some boy Ugh Right? Do you work? I do Okay, I don't mean this in a gross way or like in a pervy way But your body is loved by your workplace

They love that you show up And that you accomplish a goal And serve customers and take care of people Right? Yeah And I can just tell by being on the phone are you a person that like brings a meal if somebody's sick?

yes I try to be that person I know you are I can tell by the way you talk you are and you laugh at jokes that aren't even that funny you probably laugh kind of loud to help people out is that you? yes here's what I want

I want you to treat Kylie like that. Okay. Okay. And I wish there was another word I could give you than what I'm about to tell you, okay? You simply have to practice believing that Kylie is worth laughing at her jokes too. You have to believe that Kylie was worth that boy, that grown man telling God and his family and your family and you, I do forever.

Come what comes, I'll be right here. Yeah. You see what I'm saying? And the only way you can do that is you got to practice it. And that's a terrible word. I know it's not romantic. There's nothing in the, in Hollywood about practicing, you know, like getting back in touch with yourself. Right. Yeah. I totally agree with that. So here's how we're going to do that. Okay. How old are you? I'm 23. All right. I'm going to get things all kind of weird. You ready? Okay, yeah. I want you to sit down with yourself first,

and then you're probably going to have to fill in some gaps with your husband. And tell him, this is Deloney's weird, dumb idea, and I said I would do it. Okay? Okay. I told him and all 21 of his listeners that we're going to do this, okay? Okay. I want you to write down 23 things that make Kylie one of the most remarkable,

lovable people on the planet. Okay. Okay? That's so hard. It's not. It's not. It's not. I'm totally lying.

It's the worst. It is the worst. It is so hard. I don't know if the episode has aired yet, but I talked about this earlier. After doing some pretty hard trauma work with a counselor and working through some things,

she finally nailed me. And she was talking about the ticker tape that is my life. And that ticker tape, you know, that little thing that runs underneath the stock market under the news channels that's always just going or under ESPN. She said And that ticker tape, you know, that little thing that runs underneath the stock market under the news channels that's always just going

or under ESPN. She said, your ticker tape just says, I suck. I'm the worst all the time. Yeah.

And so she made me ball up my fist and put it in my chest and I have to look in the mirror and say the words, I love this guy. And this guy's

worth being loved. It's just a thing I repeat now. And I think you've created a persona that makes you so lovable as a strange protective measure because you don't buy it.

Yeah. I feel like that's really ringing true. Okay. Somebody somewhere told you that you're worth about what you can, how many kids you can keep quiet. Somebody told you that you're lovable when the report card looks right or when your body looks right or if your nose is just perfect or if your bra isn't weird.

Like somebody told you those things and you begin to scan the world for them to make sure they were true. Yeah. And so most people want to go fix the body image thing way down river. I want you to go up river. Okay.

Okay. Because I mean, like the objective criteria here. You're losing weight during a pregnancy. Your body's growing human. Is your baby, it was your, was your one try, was your checkup good? Yeah. I'm really grateful. Everything has been normal and I've been better since that first initial check-in. Is husband being weird and not wanting to hold your hand and being all like, can I just look at TikTok? No, he's been really helpful. And honestly, yeah, I couldn't ask for a better partner right now.

He's super supportive. I don't know how some people go through this alone. Yeah, it's tough. But here's the deal. The data, truth, is that you're loved immensely. That your body's working great. Yeah. And by the way, when you first bear the weight of the responsibility of another life, of course your body's going to be nervous about what happens in the future of course it would be you'd be crazy if you weren't you know what i mean yeah you're bringing a human and if you've made the cardinal sin of googling motherhood stuff oh my god don't do that please don't do that you're gonna go mad yeah there's a whole ecosystem out there that's designed for one thing,

to make you feel guilty and unstable as a about-to-be-new-mom and then a new mom. Because if you feel guilty and unstable, you'll buy a bunch of crap. I mean, that's what it comes down to. You're not doing this right. You're not doing this right. Yeah, I feel like that one, you know, with how motherhood is these days designed to be, it's just really confusing. There's a great documentary I watched. It was years ago, but it was powerful.

I don't know if it holds up, but it was called The Business of Being Born. I don't even know where it would show. I think I saw it on Netflix back in the day, but I don't know where it is. But it just walked through like this thing that is so innate to the human experience over gajillions of years like in the 50s became this really robust medical procedure, this surgery that

had to come with all the right rattles and strollers and if you don't have a million dollars, your baby's gonna, dude, madness madness, madness, of course there's medical intervention that's needed and all that. Yeah. But at least at the time,

when you talk about, I can go all down a rabbit hole on that one, but just looking at the data, and again, this may be eight or nine or 10 years old, but the data on when C-sections are performed are most often performed at doctor's shift changes. They want to go home. Oh, wow. So it's wild. But anyway, I'll tell you this. Sounds like everything's shift changes. They want to go home.

Oh, wow. So it's wild. But anyway, I tell you this. Sounds like everything's working perfectly. So it sounds like the data's right. And it sounds like we need to, I'm going to say this and it's going to sound so cheesy and I get it. We need to fall in love with Kylie.

What an amazing mom she's going to be. What an incredible wife she already is. What a great big sister she's always been. What an extraordinary employee. What a great woman. And I know that sounds bananas, and so we're going to practice it. So those 23 things, you're going to write them down every single day of your life for 30 days. Okay. I want you to write them down and I want you to pause between each one. So it might

take you 10 or 15 minutes to write them all the way down. But Kylie shows up. Kylie's a person who tells the truth and always keeps her word. Kylie seeks out people who are uncomfortable and makes sure that they're doing okay. Kylie laughs at dumb jokes just so people don't feel embarrassed. Kylie answers her mom's phone calls all the freaking time, even though it stresses her out, right? All these things, 23 of them. We're going to write them down every day for 30 days. And then I want you to make a fist and I want you to put it right in your chest. And I want you to look in the mirror and say, I love this woman. Okay. And when you do it, I want you to feel your shoulders tense up

because they're going to, and I want you to consciously drop them and then say it again. I love this woman. She's good. And then by the way, your body's about to do some crazy stuff, right? Yeah. Cool. We're going to roll with it. She's good. And then, by the way, your body's about to do some crazy stuff. Right? Yeah. Cool. We're going to roll with it. We're going to roll with it. That's the part, too, is like there's no control over it.

No. Like you said, it's amazing and it's beautiful, but it's just. Hey, what you're talking about? You just gave me. You're talking about anxiety. I gave me, you're talking about anxiety I can't control it Exactly, exactly That's what opening your hands up And choosing to ride down the river

Instead of using every ounce of everything To try to swim up river You're pregnant sister You're having a baby You're heading down the river now Open your hands up Hold your husband's hand. Y'all are in this together.

I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life, my number one bestselling book. And I want you and your husband to use that as a roadmap for the next, I don't know, however many weeks, 30 weeks. I don't remember how many weeks you said. And then the first year of the baby's life. And then the second year. And your marriage is going to change dramatically, and that's all good. You're going to be an incredible mom.

You are an incredible wife. And when it feels so heavy, write it down and demand evidence. Is this true? And you're going to drop your shoulders and smile and go, that's not true. I love this girl. I'm a good mom. I'm a good wife and I'm worth being loved. Congratulations, Kylie. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious

Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show with Jenna at the helm, of course, she's going to send us all into our Thanksgiving holiday, which I think when this comes out, it'll be just before the Christmas. Yeah. A week out from Christmas. The great and powerful Taylor Swift.

Song's called You're Losing Me from The Vault. What is The Vault? The Vault is she released Midnight's the album and then later she released this song. It's from The Vault. It didn't get released on the album initially. It's from the vault. Tricky, tricky.

Goes like this. You say, I don't understand. And I say, I know you don't. We thought a cure would come through in time. Now I fear it won't. Remember looking at this room? We loved it because of the light. Now I just sit here in the dark and wonder if it's time.

Do I throw out everything we built or keep it? I'm getting tired even for a phoenix. Always rising from the ashes, mending all her gashes. You might have just dealt the final blow. My gosh. She, it's so maddening how good she is. The idea, that picture of an exhausted phoenix. Golly! She's so good. Love you guys. Bye.