The Dr. John Delony Show - I’ve Been Cut Off From My Grandkids and It Breaks My Heart

Episode Date: January 9, 2023

On today’s show, we hear from: - Delony and team as they open up about hard seasons they’re facing - A heartbroken grandmother struggling with not being allowed to see her grandkids - A woman deeply afraid of losing her husband if he goes into law enforcement Lyrics of the Day: "Everybody Hurts" - R.E.M. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. How do I let the fear of losing someone in the future affect how I live with them now? Like, I'm scared of losing my husband. It comes from past trauma that I've had. And honestly, it's affecting like how I live now. And I'm just tired of living like that, you know? Yo, yo, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

What's up, what's up? So glad you're joining us. I mean, let's be honest. It's the greatest mental health and marriage and parenting podcast ever, ever. And you're here with us. You. Thank you for joining us. We're really, really grateful. If you want to be on the show, give us a buzz.

1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. Normally, this is the part where I go, all right, let's get right to the phones or I run my mouth for a while, whatever. Something happened the other day and I just wanted to take a little bit of family time and be honest. So, Zach Ford, who helps with my social media, if you've listened to the show for more than 11 seconds, you know that I was born in the wrong century I don't really understand how all the internets work and um

So he takes clips from this show and cuts them up and edits them and then puts them up on social media platforms And he posted one and it was me telling people Hey, if you tell your kid That you make me mad or you make me angry or you make me frustrated, you're giving your kid, that kid, a burden that they are not strong enough to carry. And I went on to say in that little media clip, it's from this show, that I often have to circle back to my son. I often have to circle back to my daughter

and say, hey, I told you earlier, you're really frustrating me. You're really making me mad. You're not. You don't have that kind of power. I chose to be frustrated. I chose to be mad. And I'm sorry that I put that burden on you. The number of people who wrote me personally or who wrote in the comment section, now I trust you. Because you talked about how you screw this up. You're not just here on this show talking down at us or talking at us, but you're more talking with us. And if you're willing to admit on this show that this happens in your home,

then we're willing to listen. And that got me thinking, I tell you what, the last couple of weeks, the gang who work on this show, it's been a mess. Everybody's going through a lot, and I'm going through a lot. And so it occurred to me that there's a that maybe by The way we I set the show up, right people call in and they ask Hey, what should I do next whether it's a mental health issue or it's a marriage issue or I don't know what to do with my kids and

I walk alongside people There's this idea that once you arrive at a certain amount of knowledge or life experience. Everything's just perfect Everything just works itself out And it's not true. And in fact, I think it can be harder because I should have all the answers to stuff. And then I ended up saying something stupid or I should know how to have the right conversation with my wife. And I don't, I just avoid it because I don't want to have it. I'm just tired or whatever. And so I talked with Kelly this morning. And I just wanted to, I don't know, have a little family time and just kind of be honest for the folks working on the Dr. John Deloney show who are here providing hope and all these answers for everybody.

We've all been going through it. And so folks back there in the booth what's been going on in y'all's life? I'll start I'm Kelly Hi, I'm Kelly, yes You're not an alcoholic? Not yet

No, actually I don't drink that much thankfully because this past couple weeks you know, everybody knows because you've mentioned it on the show, I lost my mom last week. And I have a special needs child who

got an infection in the bone in her foot and she ended up in the hospital. So she was in the hospital when we found out my mom died. So, you know, all things at once. I have a son that's failing two classes currently in high school. And I, like you the other day, I let loose on him about it. And then the next day I had to

come back and say, I screwed that up. I'm really sorry. I'm going to help you instead of yelling at you. And my husband has some medical issues right now that's causing some big problems in our marriage. And it's just been a lot. One of those, yeah. Yeah. It just kind of feels like when it rains, it pours. So it's been a lot lately. And when it pours, it floods.

And when it floods... Yeah. I go under. Yeah. Yeah. So that's what it feels like lately. My normal bent is to just, you know know we've hung out for a million times in the last couple years um let's just start like well you know and i won't do that i'll just say i'm sorry that sucks and you're my friend and i'm sorry that sucks who else what else is going on

back there uh yeah i'll go uh been a pretty uh crappy year uh's see. My wife, Katie, tore her ACL. And May got fired from her job right before she had surgery. Oh, man. And I got hit by an 18-wheeler pretty recently. Yeah, you did. Totaled my car. Yes. And then Katie got COVID last week, so we had to miss the Christmas party.

And yesterday, she lost her job again, her new job. And so we've just been going through it, man. Just horrible, horrible year. And we're in that place where it doesn't feel like there's hope right now, just to be real about it. The light's out. Yeah. I mean, we just got our teeth knocked in. You just picked all your teeth off the ground and put them in and then they got kicked out right i have fully full dentures right now exactly and i'm not gonna lie they don't

fit well right they're not great right man dang yeah well as your friend and as the leader of my band, I'm sorry, man. Thank you. Like to see you walk in every day, just keep putting it in and putting it in and putting it in. Even though I know like behind the scenes, things are on fire, man. Sorry. Appreciate that. Hey, John. Hey, love.

Yeah, so it's been quite a year, more specifically quite a holiday season for us. And for everybody who doesn't know, that was Ben Hill who runs the board and this is Sarah who God help her, is the editor, the final editor of the show. And she makes sure this show, the disaster that it is in reality, looks

different and sounds different when it finally gets out. Yeah, it's been a tough holiday season, huh? Yeah, it's been a big one. A week before Thanksgiving, my grandmother and my great-grandmother passed away and we knew it was coming. She was 98 years old, but she passed and she was just everything and wonderful, wonderful to me and definitely showed me what unconditional love was. And I didn't know what that was until it was with her. And, and then three days later,

my childhood hero took his own life and it's just kind of rocks everything. And it was a battle of how do I compartmentalize grieving my grandmother and then grieving this hero that needed help. Um, and yeah, it's just been kind of nuts just this holiday season, and then with all of our team going through stuff, it's been tough. Well, I'm sorry. I hate that. Thank you. Yeah, you're such a gift to so many millions of people with the work you do, and I'm sorry. Thank you. Well, you've been such a blessing to us, too, because the results of those deaths resulted in me having panic attacks about dying too soon

and being able to come to you for help in that and be honest with you. You've been such a gift to me as well. So thank you. Yeah, you were actually Susan from North Dakota the other day on the show. I'm just kidding, you weren't. You weren't.

Man, anybody else having a rip-roaring time back there? How's your, I don't know if it's okay to ask. We can edit this out. But how's your daughter? For those who don't know, Nate, who runs all the YouTube video stuff, was diagnosed with cancer. How's she doing? Yeah. On the cancer front, it's been good news, actually.

That's fantastic. She was given only a 25% chance of it not coming back. And so far, she has been in that odds where it has not come back. And she hasn't had to go through chemo or anything like that. So we're just kind of keeping our fingers crossed. She's still at like about 25. Now her odds have improved to now there's only about a 25% chance of it coming back. So her odds have continuously gotten better.

But yeah, it's been really good. She has her last St. Jude's appointment next month. So it's been one little bright spot of good news. For us, though, it's been a hard season. We have four kids and so not only the challenges of her cancer, but also

having four littles and we just don't have much family support at all. And we are very alone. And my wife and I's lives are very different. She's a stay-at-home mom. And so the disparity of what our lives are, we can't relate to each other much these days. And it's really lonely and isolating.

Especially for her being at home, that's really hard and has put a lot of strain on just us and our relationship and it's been a rough season, rough year. Thank you for sharing that. Yeah, man. Anybody else? Yeah, for me, I just, I feel like my mental health has just taken a huge hit this winter just like i deal with seasonal affective disorder like we talked in the show a few episodes back like

really bad especially this time of year and so for me being in that low and then hearing all these things happening to my friends you know it's it's hard for me because i take that on when i know i shouldn't um and then going home it's, then I find I sometimes will take it out on my husband and I don't mean to. So he's actually been coming with me to my like therapy sessions lately because I'm like, I don't want to have that happen. Like I don't want to bring that on him. And so for us, we've kind of been not struggling too much in the sense of that, but just like making sure that this isn't become like a forever thing where in these seasons where I'm going through this mental health issues, um, I'm not adding him into the mix. Gotcha. Gotcha. Well, thank you for sharing that. Thank you for joining our team

and holding us all up while we're falling apart or trying to get these shows out. And I get, on a personal note, just this past year has been the wildest year of my professional life with a book coming out and all the metrics, I mean, it's like a cliche. It couldn't be more of a cliche. The metrics, like a number one bestselling book and it sold really well and then we're in sold out auditoriums all across the country doing live events and and then all of a sudden you look up and like nate just mentioned i have a very different life than

my wife does and she isn't used to people coming up to us in the airport or checking to see what clothes she's wearing out at the airport and judging that with their preconception of who she was. And then I jumped right into writing a new book. So, yeah, there's just a season of some hard conversations we have to have and some grieving about this time of our life was over. And this is going to be the new part of our life. And I wouldn't change it for the world. It's been an amazing ride.

And we've been able to help a whole bunch of people. And the, but man, it's been, it's wrecked havoc at home. And not to mention my, my whoop strap here, my HRV this morning, this is just me being honest, was 14, 1-4. I got a message from the whoop strap, do not exercise today. It told me you have to stop or your body's about to shut you down. And I don't like to stop. I left work early yesterday. I just went home and went to bed.

And that's not just like because I don't feel good. It's because I've completely run myself into the ground. And I know my kids wear that. I know my wife wears that. And I know I spend hour upon hour preaching to you all not to do that. And here I've turned around and I've done it. And so here's why this wasn't just for the chair in our misery. This is just to let y'all know we're people too. And I don't ever want you sitting at home to think, man, must be nice to have my life so perfect and all together and everything great. Um, because there is no, there, there, there's no place where you can get where somebody doesn't pass away that you love.

There's never going to be a place that you get when someone you care about doesn't lose their job or your marriage goes through a season when you're like, I don't know who you are anymore. There's never going to be a moment when your kids don't do something and you're like, oh my gosh, what are you doing? That is life. And ultimately, if I could pass along one thing that I appreciate about you guys is everybody's there for each other. And everybody calls each other and says, hey, I need about you guys is everybody's there for each other. And everybody calls each other and says, hey, I need to check in. You got a minute to talk.

Hey, I'm going to be late tomorrow. I'm not coming in tomorrow. I got you. And it all comes back to that one idea that you got to have people in your life. Not if, but when things go sideways, you got to have people. And if you're blessed to work with people like I am, I'm blessed to work with and call my friends and my community. That's awesome. And if you're not, that sucks, but you still got to go find those people.

And I know because you send me your notes and you write me letters and I talk to you personally. I know there's a lot of people out there struggling, going through hard stuff. I just want you to know we're right there with you and you're not alone. I also believe with all my heart, I wouldn't do the show that there's hope around every corner. We just got to lock arms with the people in our lives. You know, we got to walk forward sometimes in the dark, sometimes in only they can see and make sure we're walking towards that hope. So I love you guys. Love you all. And for those of y'all who are listening, I love you guys too. We're all, all, all in this together.

Have the hard conversation you need to have. Start there. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new homebuyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey-trusted

provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades, and their Home Buyer Edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill-certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All slash D'Loni and get the Home Buyer Edge today. All right, let's go to the phones. Let's go to Dallas, Texas and talk to Sydney. Hey, Sydney, what's up? Hey, Dr. D'Loni. Can I give you a shout out first real quick? You can do all things.

What's up? Okay. Well, first of all, I'm listening to your Own Your Past, Change Your Future. So I'm trying to do that. And it's helping so much. Also, your anxiety book is helping me. I'm on the myth of anxiety can be cured only with medication. But this is really special. I purchased your Questions for Humans cards for our 8-year-old grandson who lives with us. Well, sometimes he drives us nuts. We don't know what else to do with him. He's eight, Sidney.

That's what they do. They're just nuts. Right? Oh, man. But I'm a grandparent, you know, so he just— These cards have been life-changing, And we ordered the second set as well. But he's now starting to make up his own questions. Good.

When you did all your first questions, now he's starting the questions. And so, you know, I've sent them to other people. And what a great idea. Well, you are awesome. And they have been so helpful. And my other shout-out today, Ramsey, my husband and I have worked our tails off. We've eaten beans and rice and we're completely debt free. Way to go.

Way to go. House and everything. Oh, wow. You don't owe anybody anything, right? Nope. Not at all. That's amazing. We live in Texas in a big old house.

And it's yours. It's all yours. No one can take it. No one can take my cars. I've had that happen before. Oh, you know what an anxious life is, huh? Well, thank you for picking up the books and working through them. I'm currently right in the middle of writing another one.

And it's an expansion on the redefining anxiety one. It's a much bigger how to build a non-anxious life, which I'm excited about. Um, and it really combines those two books that you're talking about. So I'm glad you're working your way through them. I here's, what's funny about those cards. I got a note from the guy here. His name's Brian. He's amazing. He's the guy that runs the products here at Ramsey solutions. He said that the printer notified him that they're out of paper, that they can't keep these things in stock. He said that the printer notified him that they're out of paper, that they can't keep these things in stock. And one of the cardinal sins of this building is you never run out. You don't run out because people need help. And they finally click,

I want to buy this thing. And I'm going to start on my journey to reading a new book that I can get healthier. I want to talk to my kids or my grandkids. Or I have an eight-year-old grandson that lived with me and he's nuts. And I want to connect to my kids or my grandkids. Or I have an eight-year-old grandson that lives with me and he's nuts. And I want to connect with him. And you finally click and it says sold out. So that's one of the cardinal rules. And he reached out and said, hey, we ordered a new round and they sold out within 48 hours. And now we've just been notified. There's no more paper. Like we're out of paper. So man, they're coming. they'll be back but hey here's what's really exciting

that people are actually using those cards and their bodies are remembering here's what it feels like to actually be engaged with somebody and then I love

your eight year old so creative he's making his own cards that's fantastic there's nothing magic about these particular cards make your own that's fantastic

that is awesome and it's also great that he's got a grandmother who's willing to sit down and look him in the eye and get done on his level and play with him. That's a great, great gift to a dysregulated kid, man. So how can I help? Well, I have six children. And yeah, somebody said it would be fun

to have a big family. Okay. Six adult children and four are mine, and two I inherited from my husband. I was married for 22 years. My husband and I were in full-time ministry. He went kind of south. There was a lot of infidelity, and we ended up divorcing 13 years ago. It devastated our children, absolutely devastated them in every way.

They walked away from their faith. It was devastating to our kids. I met my husband, my wonderful pawpaw, who also does the cards with us with the eight-year-old grandson. We met and married, and he's been great. The kids have accepted him. We have tried very hard to make our home the hub. I mean, we have a playroom, a nursery, a pool. We have a sign up that says, feed them and they will come. That was my husband's idea because he's a deer hunter.

I didn't really get what he was talking about when he said, honey, I just think we need to put food out and feed them like I do the deer. And I thought, okay, I don't know where you're going with this, but okay. So we did that. We did that. We did that. And for years now, we've been married for 12 years, and it's just brought our family together. It was beautiful. It was crazy good. There was so much restoration. Awesome. And then our oldest son was involved in an incident at work, and I won't go into what happened, but he kind of lost his mind and went from the perfect husband to... Did he cheat on his wife? Yeah, he did. Yep.

He did, but it was... Apples and trees. Yeah, I guess so. Apples and trees. But this is not the son that I would have thought would have done that. But that wasn't the husband you thought would have done that either, right? Not at all. Yeah. Not guess so. Apples and trees. But this is not the sign that I would have thought would have done that. But that wasn't the husband you thought would have done that either, right? Not at all. Yeah.

Not at all. Yeah. So my husband and I were out of town when this all came to the surface, and he asked if he could stay with us for a while. Well, we have the hub. We have the big house. And I'm like, of course, you know, he was very close to that eight-year-old who I did the cards with. And I was like, yeah, sure. You know, whatever we can do. Well, long story short, his wife are trying to work things out now, which is great. However, his wife thinks that we took his side in this whole thing, which we didn't.

And she is now withholding their four-year-old daughter from not just us, but the entire family. So I haven't seen this child, and our heart is broken. So that was one son. What does that one son have to say about it? Because it's his daughter too. You know, we wish that he would be—he's walking on eggshells with his wife. I get that. He's not reconciling his wife. He is groveling.

And that isn't the – that's not the basis of a new relationship. Everything about their relationship is over the way it was. It's over. He cheated on his wife. And with a coworker. and so everything's over and them choosing to stay together awesome great i'm all about it but they they're building something completely new and if he builds and is involved in building something completely new and sits in the corner and sucks his thumb then what's good what's new is going to be a world of her own creation. It's going to be created in a vacuum.

And it's not going to be conducive to a long-term relationship. See what I'm saying? I absolutely do. And here's the big, ugly, sad part of all of this. You can't do anything about it. It's heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking. You got to grieve it.

It is sad. I mean, the one thing you could do is, I don't want to say confront is a dramatic word. I don't think confrontation, but having a direct conversation with your son about what stories he's allowing his wife to believe about his mom and dad, about him not taking full ownership of what happened, about, hey, we're not going to start our new life together that we're creating by cutting out all of our old family, like whatever.

And I also don't blame her, quite honestly. Absolutely. She watched what her, what his biological dad did. Man, she's like, I want nothing to do with this family. I'm out. Absolutely. Right? And it's just, I think there's this, I got to sit in it.

I've run up against something, and I say this half in jest, half not in jest. There's something that a strong, powerful Texas woman has run up against that you just simply can't control. And it's not even in your, it's not in the cultural psychology. You paid your house off, man. You got out of debt. You got remarried. I mean, you've done hard things and you can't do anything about this one. Right?

Yeah, you're right. And it's heartbreaking. It is. Because it's This is grief It's infiltrated You know Other relationships In the family

Well Like no one gets to see Their little girl Nobody And that's grief But the more you let that be something That everybody talks about And

It's like there's a There's like a poison glass on the counter and everybody knows it's there but then every time y'all get together somebody picks up that glass and pours a little bit of it in everyone else's drink just to make sure everybody feels miserable and that's just it hurts but it doesn't help anything and so i can see a family prayer when y'all all get together and say hey we really miss young And that's just, it hurts, but it doesn't help anything. And so I can see a family prayer when y'all all get together and say, hey, we really miss young Susie, whatever her name is.

We miss her. We really wish she's here. We miss her mom. We miss her, your son. And we hope that they're doing well. And then any choice to just dwell on it as a group. And can you believe this? And she's not.

Any choice down that road is just a choice to be miserable. And personally, I don't need to dwell on it like I have been. I think at some point you got to write her a letter and tell her you love her. And tell her though she doesn't see it or feel it or believe it, she'll always be your daughter. And if she ever needs anything, you're here. I've done that in text messages. Text messages is the absolute worst way to communicate with another human being. Got it.

It's a handwritten letter. And going back to the hand, it gives her something to hold on to and go back to. And this is not a woe is me. This is not a look what you've done This is you simply saying I need you to hear from me And see my handwriting. I love you You're my daughter. You're a part of this family If you choose to leave my son, I understand i've been there And i'll always love you and always care, care for you. And I've always got your back, even when it feels like I don't.

And that's it. That's it. Okay. I can do that. You see, you see, there's a moment where y'all can bond. You've been her. Yeah. I, I sure have. Have you talked to her. Yeah, I... I sure have.

Have you talked to her in that way? No, because I've always tried to... try my hardest not to talk negatively about their dad. There's a difference between talking like he's a crummy piece of crap and hey honey I've had my guts ripped out too. I know that feeling of sitting on the edge of the

bed and not realizing what day it is because everything in my world is upside down. It has nothing to do with him. I mean he cheated. That has to do with her and you see how there's such a dramatic difference I do and you can tell her if you need to say ugly things about him

I'm fine to hear it because I said my fair share about his dad well and frankly I'm having a hard time because I said my fair share about his dad. Well, and frankly, you know, I'm having a hard time, you know, wondering what the heck happened to my son, and I'm having a hard time respecting him. I don't respect him. Fair.

Forgiving him. Fair. What were you thinking? Have you asked him? Fair. What were you thinking? Have you asked him? No, I haven't. Okay. Those secrets are killing you. Yeah. And these aren't grenades. These aren't you coming after him and going, I can't.

This is you taking your son out to breakfast and saying, hey, it's been a season. We went through this with your dad. What happened? Because my guess is he didn't like who he had become. He had a young kid. He probably outgoing like his old man or whatever.

Who knows, man? He didn't like who he had become in his new marriage. And somebody else made him feel alive for a few minutes, and he blew the whole thing up. Yeah, that's exactly what happened. He had an incident at work, and that just, I don't know. He fell off the wagon. It was horrible.

Yeah. Okay, son number two. Go through this one quick, because we're going to run out of time here. Okay. Son number two. Go through this one quick because we're going to run out of time here. Okay. Okay. We set up joint accounts for our kids because I started getting anxiety over giving gifts. We're out of debt. We set up joint accounts so we could give them money for Christmas and birthdays.

Awful, terrible, terrible, awful, awful, terrible idea. Please tell me why. Awful, terrible, terrible, awful, awful, terrible idea. Please tell me why. Awful, terrible idea. Because now we can't see that granddaughter because my son started dipping into my granddaughter's account and my husband shut the account down. As he shut up. And so now you have a son doing a temper tantrum.

And his wife. They are acting like little children. Yeah, she's accusing my husband of being a thief, of stealing from her daughter. Here's the deal. If he gave her money, he's given her money. Right. And for him to be like, no, I'm taking it back. That's kind of, that's him being a child. But when you give, here's the deal. Your kids are grownups. You do not share accounts with

grownup kids, especially not these days when you can Venmo money back and forth to somebody, or I can write you a check and put it in the mail. I'm still old school like that. I got a checkbook in my bag right now. Like it's 1981, right? So like I'm not sharing accounts, number one. Number two, if I want to give money to my granddaughter for like college or something, I'm going to open an account that is an education account, like a 529. I'm going to open an account and put it there. Or worst comes to worst, I'm going to open a money market account, like a 529, I'm going to open an account and put it there. Or worst comes to worst, I'm going to open a money market account, like a low interest, whatever. And I'm just going to open it myself and keep it in there. I've got friends, two friends, who when my son and daughter were born, they opened a savings account for them. They did not give that savings account to me.

Every year on their birthday, I get a text message or a card or something that says, hey, we deposited, we put some money in your kid's fund. And my guess is there'll be a couple of thousand dollars when my kids graduate college. And it will just be a check that comes in the mail. Or when they graduate high school, it'll be a check that comes in the mail. It's awesome, but I'm not holding it. And you know why? They didn't give it to me as a gift.

Them not giving it to me was a gift for our relationship because they never have to wonder like, why is he spending it that or what's that for? But they took all those variables out. They said, hey,

we've got some gifts for your kid that we're putting into an account and we're hanging on to it until the time is right. And it's their money. That's fantastic.

So do we write this daughter-in-law and sign a letter as well? How do we – we haven't seen this granddaughter in four months. Yeah. Here's the deal. You're not going to try to say the right thing so you can see the granddaughter. That's like saying I need to lose 50 pounds and going on like – I'm going to start meth and I'm gonna have like the lower part

of one of my legs removed so I can lose 50 pounds. You could get that number on the scale, but it's gonna come at such a wild cost that it's not gonna be worth it. What you wanna do is heal your relationship with your son. Absolutely, and daughter-in-law. Heal your relationship with your daughter-in-law, right. And so this one sounds more like a conversation that you have in person if they'll have it.

If they won't, then yeah, you write letters. If they have it in person and 100% of this conversation is you and your husband saying we screwed up. We had joint accounts like y'all were 14 years old. You're not. Y'all are adults We thought the best way to to we didn't think about setting up 529 accounts for the kids We just were thinking about cash and we put this burden on you guys as to how we wanted you to And then we took the money back. We screwed it up. So we're starting from scratch

The money that we have for granddaughter. It's in a 529 now, and we're going to continue to fund that thing. So the moment she graduates high school, we're going to have this much money, hopefully, for her to go to college. And if you're still having to give your son cash so that he can live, that's a whole other conversation and problem. And if you want to buy gifts for your kids or for your grandkids, buy them a gift and send it to them. Or buy them a gift card and mail it to them. Okay. Got it. Does that make sense?

Yes, it makes sense. Just don't... You're overcomplicating it. You're overthinking it. And there's something to be said for starting from scratch And saying I miss my little boy There's something to be said by calling his wife And saying I miss my daughter-in-law

I just miss you And I've screwed this whole thing up and I'm sorry Can we meet? Can we talk? And we're not doing this just so we can see grandkid again. We're doing this because we want to heal these relationships. And the reason I, by the way, for those listening, the reason I would say one, write a letter. One is woman to woman, hurt woman to hurt woman. I'm identifying in your pain. And when you're entering into somebody else's pain, there's all kinds of walls and defense mechanisms built into somebody else's

protecting themselves from getting hurt again. And so a letter is a great way to give somebody else the opportunity to read and on their time their schedule when they can deal with it they can read this letter and they can read it again they can read it again the other one is hey man i blew it with the money we're not we're not healing relationships as much as y'all are throwing a temper tantrum we screwed screwed this up. We're just going to start this thing over. And again, just like I said with your first son, if they say you can never see this granddaughter again, ever, ever, ever, they can do that because it's their kid. And it will be heartbreaking.

It will be something that you and your husband have to grieve deeply together. But it will be the way it is. And you can still send gifts. You can still write letters to that granddaughter. You can still send cards. But you're going to have to grieve the loss. I'm sorry. My gut tells me that you being vulnerable, you going first, you saying, I'm sorry. My gut tells me that some, you being vulnerable, you going first, you saying, I'm sorry,

and here's how we're going to make this right. Um, we'll go a long, long way to showing your kids and their spouses, mom and dad are safe now, or mom and stepdad are safe now. We can go back home. The goal is always letting your kids know they have a place at home here. We'll be right back. All right, let's go out to El Dorado Hills, California and talk to Melanie. What's up, Melanie? Hi, Dr. John. How are you doing? Good. What's up? Good, good. Well, I'm calling. I had a question question and um just like your input on it so how do i my question is basically how do i let um the fear of losing someone in the future um um affect how i live with them now like i'm scared of losing my husband in the and it comes from past

trauma that i've had and honestly it's affecting like how I live now. And I'm just tired of living like that, you know? And like, he's not sick. He's not, he doesn't have anything that's like now, like that's going to happen. But it's just like this fear that I've had past losses in my life. And I just don't know. I have panic attacks happen every so often from different triggers and I freak out and sometimes I eat, don't eat for a few weeks. I just like lose weight

and just freak out. So I don't know how to stop that affecting and that's definitely a toll on my husband and um i just i just want to be better um i'm sorry because i've been you and i've also watched my wife and in your case your husband try to be better on my account when i'm so anxious that i'm like being married to a laser right and it's tough. And then my brain spins out and spins out and spins out and spins out. So here's the hard, hard truth. Okay. You are going to lose them someday. Either you'll pass away or he'll pass away. That will happen at some point in your life. It's the great, um yallam says that anxiety stemmed from an existential knowledge that we all have term limits on this thing we call life and so the reality is this has nothing to

do with his death his potential death his this could this could go at any moment death um what does he do for a living? Well, right now he works a state job but he's actually wanting to go into federal law enforcement so that's triggered like another.

Of course, yes. Yeah. My mom told me when I was a kid because of course my dad was a policeman I want to go be a policeman and then I want to be

an FBI. She sat me down and said, I'm asking you as your mom don't do that because I haven't slept in 28 years. I haven't slept because every time your dad you as your mom, don't do that. Because I haven't slept in 28 years.

I haven't slept. Because every time your dad goes on night shift, I don't sleep. And every time, right? So I get that. Totally, totally get that. This has to do with you, not him. And for a long, long time, worrying has served a protective, it's been like an insulation, like an insulator. It's been an illusion that has kept you safe, so you believe. Your body's determined that worry helps out. And what we have to do is be willing to give up our addiction, our habit of ruminating. We have to give up our addiction and our habit of worrying. We have to give up our addiction, our habit of ruminating. We have to give up our addiction and our habit of worrying. We have to give up our addiction and habit of predicting the worst possible outcome and then living in the present as though it's already here in lieu of some healthier behaviors.

And it's hard because it's going to feel like you're heading into battle without a shield for a while. Are you interested in that or no? Yeah. Who have you lost in your life? When I was 14, I lost my cousin in a tragic like ocean accident and we couldn't find his body for a month. And that whole month I had, he, he, I had just recently started bonding with him. He was one of my like cousins, and he was literally the glue in our family. And he was only 21 years old, and they lost him at sea and couldn't find him. And at that time, when I heard that, I was shocked. I remember coming into, running into my room after volleyball practice and crying, and my body was just like, I cannot handle this.

And I feel like every time something that like triggers, I thought once a couple of weeks ago, I saw an Instagram post of another woman losing her husband and crying on Instagram. And it's like that triggered my anxiety. I deleted my social media accounts. I'm like, I don't want to see that anymore. But, um, so when's the last time, when's the last time when's the last time you sat down and wrote that cousin a letter tell me you miss him i didn't yeah your body's just put a gps pin in that hey hey melanie when you love somebody they die and that 14 year old little girl absorbed all the tension in the house all the fear all the concern all the house, all the fear, all the concern, all the searching, all of the late nights, all of the skinning the news. And now that's – your body just is guided by that.

And yes, you said the perfect word. It's scary healing from anxiety because it feels like it's helping out. It feels like you're choosing to go into a boxing match with only one glove, like with one hand tied behind your back. Here's the reality. The reality is you're going to lose your husband at some point. The reality is you're going to lose other people in your life that you love. No matter how tight you grab that steering wheel, That's still going to happen. And so the goal isn't how do I mitigate every variable for the rest of my life and the variables in everybody else's life all around me.

The question is how do I drive with my hands on the wheel a lot looser? That's building a non-anxious life. And that's you saying I want to heal. How do I do that? If I have no control over the future, no control over anything, how do I live in the moment now? You do. You have control over two things. Your thoughts and your actions. That's it. That's it.

And that's a powerless feeling, and it should be a very empowering feeling. Because you spent your whole life trying to control things that you can't control it's exhausting right yeah and it burns out the people who love you I would start by writing

my cousin a letter tell him I miss him I miss him. I miss you. Here's all the things that have happened since you've been gone. And now I'm married and you weren't at the wedding. Kind of pissed actually. I got a little kid.

You would have been an uncle or I'm hoping to have a kid one day and you're going to be an uncle one day. But at some point you got to let him go. And your 14 year old self is still trying to run the show. And then you got to go see a counselor for probably the first time. Yeah. And you're going to have to learn.

Your body's going to have to learn new ways of responding to anxious moments. Right now it goes to war. With just a few sessions, many, many, many people are able to, Oh, here it comes. And they smile and they don't judge their body. They're just curious about it. What are you trying to protect me from now? Oh, husband's put on his uniform to go to work he's put on a bulletproof vest which means he just as a part of his uniform

he's protecting himself in case someone tries to shoot him i love him i love him yeah right i'm way more like if i just look at data about police officers, about federal officers, I'm way more worried about your marriage than I am about him getting killed. Yeah. And as an integral part of your marriage, you being whole and well, it's good,

right? Yeah. How does that sound? That sounds awesome. awesome i mean he's an amazing guy we haven't even been married a year we've only it's 10 months of course he's from the best year of my life you know he's awesome yeah and so i don't ever want to lose him and i mean it could be like any day like i hear people have like one year marriage, but it's like that terrifies me. And it's just like. But Melanie, Melanie, it probably isn't going to happen. Yeah. That's the statement that has guided my life.

It could, but it probably won't. And so since it could, I make sure I don't leave my house unless without saying the words to my wife, I love you. Because I always want the last words to be that. I make sure I hug my kids and tell them I love them every single day of their life before I leave. If I'm getting on an airplane, I leave a note. In case the plane crashes, because it could happen. And then I go get on the plane because it probably won't. See what I'm saying? And I'm a little bit nutty. You're a little bit nutty. And here we are. Now we get to go live our lives, right?

So you are never going on shift without looking me in the eye and telling me that you love me. You're not. That's just, you're never going to do that. And you are never going to go get groceries without coming to kiss me on the forehead and telling me that I'm pretty. Whatever else you want him to say. Because you never know. And then go to the store

because it's probably not going to happen. It's probably not going to happen. But again, all of this is about your body's learned response to uncertainty, to lack of control, to somebody that you love passed away. And you have to be willing to teach your body something new. So let's let your cousin go.

Let's let him rest. Let's let him spend his time with the angels and loosen your grip on his life. Then let's call a counselor, call my friends at BetterHelp, call a local counselor in your area, and let's be real direct. I'm an anxious person. I've been anxious for a long time, and I'm ready to heal.

I'm ready to be whole. You, my sister Melanie, are worth it. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet We'll be right back. Get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we're back. Today's song of the day, Andrew just brought these in.

I have a great story about this song. So in college, I had a buddy, and I don't have his permission, so I won't use his name, but he was going through a really rough breakup, and he was heartbroken, and he was in his room, and the lights were off. He was just devastated. And our other roommate, our friend Craig, came down the hall and went into the room and had a CD in his hand, and he put it in the boom box in the dark,

turned it up as loud as it would go, and then just blaring down this residence hall hallway. When the day is long and the night is REMs, everybody hurts. And now every time I listen to this song, even though it's a heartbreaking song, it makes me laugh with all my guts because of that great move by Craig. Today's song is R.E.M.'s Everybody Hurts. When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone, when you're sure you've had enough of this life, hang on. Don't let yourself go because everybody

cries and everybody hurts sometimes. Sometimes everything's wrong and now it's time to sing along when your day is night alone. If you feel like letting go, if you think you've had too much of this life, hang on, hang on. We'll see you soon.