The Dr. John Delony Show - I’ve Been in a Secret Work Affair for 9 Years

Episode Date: October 29, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: A man confessing to a long-term affair A father struggling to support his wife’s parenting style A woman trying to balance paying off debt and her mental health Next Steps:  📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message.  📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life  📝 Anxiety Test   📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future   ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards   💭 John's Free Guided Meditation   🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch     Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.    Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Big news. New dates for money and marriage getaway just dropped for Valentine's Day weekend, 2026. Get tickets at ramsysolutions.com slash events to get away with your spouse in Nashville, Tennessee. I've been married for more than 20 years, but got involved at work with somebody. I'm kind of her supervisor, and she basically told me without telling me that she, was interested. So one of your employees said, hey, it makes me feel uncomfortable when you come by and you were like, you know what, we should probably

sleep together. I should have replaced her. Yep, but I didn't. What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. Filming here at Nashville, Tennessee. Real people, not the robots. Real people taking real calls from people

going through real challenges in the real world. I guess I'm just going to start saying that all the time. So only pushback for the robots is there is still a real world out here and it's tough. It's tough. So pull up a seat and we're going to figure out the next right move. If you want to be on the show, go to john Deloney.com slash ask ASK. Let's go out to Indianapolis.

I was just there yesterday. And let's talk to Alan. What's up, Alan? Hey, Dr. John. What's up, brother? Oh, hey. great to talk to you been listening to your show for maybe close to a year now very cool man thanks for calling what's up yeah well judging by past calls um got a lot of emotions around my

my problem um been married for more than 20 years um we experienced normal marriage problems like most people, but got involved at work with somebody, a co-worker, and have had a very difficult time dealing with those emotions, making probably negative emotional decisions, and that's drawn me away from being the best husband and father, and I don't like it. Tell me about the involvement. How long you've been... Are you having an affair? Are you just, are you just, uh, you're just like the attention from somebody? Um, well, I'm.

Have you been sleeping with this person? Yeah. Okay. For how long? So it's, it's, it started out, um, several years ago. Um, it's been, it's been like eight years now. Eight? So the better part of a decade?

almost yeah okay so you've been in this having this affair with this other person for almost as long as halfway as long as like 50% of your marriage you've had somebody else yeah not quite but yeah okay how can I help you um so I've been talking to a therapist on the side um for about three months and I don't want to go through divorce never planned this um bro hold on this isn't a one-night stand this is an eight-year-long sexual and emotional affair you're talking about this like it just happened like you're in a work trip and you had too many drinks and you just and it happened help me with this well it definitely it definitely happened um so we were working together for a while and a couple

years before anything transpired. And she kind of like expressed to me, you know, we were actually that the times when I came by the desk, like she couldn't, I couldn't do that. I couldn't come, you know, and I'm kind of her supervisor. And when I'd come and look at stuff, she got physically changed, I guess, warm and flustered. maybe it's love, whatever the feeling is. And she basically told me without telling me that she was interested. It's like I can't handle it when you come by.

So one of your employees eight years ago said, hey, it makes me feel uncomfortable when you come by. I should have replaced her. And you were like, you know what? We should probably sleep together. No. Or we should go out for coffee or I have feelings for you too or whatever happened. yes even the way

you're telling that story it's like it happened like two weeks ago right so why are you still married that's the question I've wrestled with so like

I've been unhappy and the the large majority was probably just the budding heads at home and what I felt was lack of respect at home and kind of like when we had kids, they became the priority.

And I was thrown aside, not entirely, but the feelings were lack of respect and arguing with me about parenting in front of our kids. And so the kids start to argue with the parents. And suddenly I look like a bad guy or the wrong guy, and we were not on the same page. and we tried to counsel around this same time that that happened, finding out your different value systems. And we started counseling back then. She had suspected just because we work in a smaller office,

so she kind of like said, I bet you want to, you look at her and want to, boom. And I'm like, no, never. I hadn't crossed my mind before. Until she said that, and then... Oh, you're going to blame your wife for this, too? No, no, no, no. I'm not trying...

I just... I guess there's that... There's that potential in any situation. I'm not saying she's wrong for thinking that. But that's... I was shocked when she had said that, because... that that's not at all how I felt. I always guarded my thoughts.

I always tried to submit those to Christ and have, you know, not have to deal with that. Okay, okay. But I, but I, okay. But you're there. You're here. We're there. And it's, hold, hold on, hold on. Hold on.

I can't help but feel there's a disassociation from reality. Okay. I don't know a marriage none zero I don't know a marriage that when kids start coming along that there's not tension and that there is a need to figure out a new way to communicate

new values emerge that we didn't even know we had this is a big deal to me this is not a big deal to me and there's that's that's that's par and course for marriage is part in course for having kids and I applaud you all for going to therapy for counseling,

try to figure out a new way. I'll take your word for it that your wife just said, I don't care what you feel, I don't care what you think, I'm going to treat you like crap. I'm going to not care about you at all, which by the way I don't believe,

but I'm going to take your full word for that. I'm going to treat you like crap, husband. I'm not going to care about you. I'm not going to respect you. I'm not going to love you. I'm just going to care about these kids. And still, you chose to sleep with one of your employees for the better part of 10 years.

You have agency. You've always had agency. And so we're here now on this call. Tell me about how I can help you with a call. Are you wrestling with staying in your marriage? Are you wrestling with, like, what do you, how can I help you, man? well there's a lot of naturally of potential shame i don't want to i don't want to drag

through a divorce and i my kids are super important it's super important for me to be there with them in the mornings taking them to school and i know but you should have you should have been through that eight years ago dude here's the deal you've burned your house down and you're trying to tell me like I want to still want to keep the upstairs and I want to keep the couches all of that is gone now it's over the question is how long are you going to live a life where you can't even look yourself in the mirror right because I hear that on you dude I hear it I'm trying to be compassionate I hear it so I've driven myself to this point

and I'm the heaviness is just overwhelming what got why now what got you here are you about to be found out are you like no why here

why now by the way your wife knows she 100% knows you don't think so I don't seemingly not but I mean maybe she

that she does I've heard you tell that to other people as well and I'm just trying to minimize destruction it's gone it's already gone it's gone brother okay it's gone

it's gone that's the fantasy part of this that you're in control of this you're not right or not It's gone. The only thing you can do now is the next right thing, which is, just for the first time and a long time, be a person of 100% integrity. What's the next right move?

Stopping what I'm doing. Okay. And by the way, that will come with multiple lines of consequences. it may end in the loss of your business it may end in a lawsuit at work it may end in loss of your marriage it may end in all of it and that won't make it not the right thing to do

I don't see a way where these planes land and I know you've been trying to air traffic control them all dude they're going to crash I'm telling you man I've just been doing this too long Mm-hmm. That's what I feel. Aren't you tired?

Aren't you tired? Yeah. Yeah. It was amazing and exciting as it's happening, and then you just realize what you just said, it's going to crash. And I,

I'm not trying to be, bad person and if things don't change i guess and and i i i number one i'm okay with ending it and in and in moving on and but then what about my marriage and my is it is it too long gone to people remember listen brother i'll say it one more time the marriage you have is over the best shot you have if you want to keep that charade going is to exhale and put everything on the table and maybe your wife will choose to rebuild something new with you but your marriage hasn't been what you project to the world for 10 years and by the way it started falling apart before you started sleeping with of your employees right right yeah who is this tell me about this woman who's gone eight years

being the other woman is she content in that role has she been asking you to leave your wife for years like even that arrangement is strange she's she's she's married too and unhappy and so talking about those things is what led to this and and of course

um so there's two families they're going to be blown up over this right and that's what I've been telling her and trying to basically get out without

hurting you can't get out without hurting people but she why hasn't she my therapist has said the same thing why hasn't she left her marriage because she's for whatever reason

either just waiting on you or or she's not serious like she's not seriously in love it's not love it's something else trying to get in her head and decide why she's doing what she's doing is a waste of your time and energy building a life with somebody who also lacks that much integrity is a fool's errand

it feels to me like the right thing to do is not for you to go fire somebody but for you to leave and you to say I'm starting over because I've burned this whole thing to the ground how are any of your other employees going to trust you how your customers going to trust you if you can keep an ongoing deception for eight years from the person you said till death do us part no customers can trust you know what I'm saying I don't know I don't know I don't get that you get the depth of the mess you're in or maybe you do and it's just saying it out loud

is so scary totally. Totally. So what does it look like? What's your next move? I don't, that's, I don't know.

That's why I'm calling. What's your counselor been telling you? Have you been seeing a counselor for depression or anxiety? Have you been seeing the counselor for what to do? Yep. He said as quickly as I can end it

to do it if it's next Monday, you know? That's... You've been seeing this person for multiple months, you said? Mm-hmm. So I... You haven't taken that professional's advice that you're paying. Where are you going to take mine? I'm just some Yahoo on the Internet's, man.

Like, I think you need to have a conversation with your wife today. And at some point, you have to, I don't think you fire that person or you separate from that person. I think you leave your job, I think you get a close-up shop. I don't know, I don't know what your profession is. And if you're a boss or if you're just a mid-level manager, I don't know the arrangement what you got. But I think the integrist thing is for you to leave. You've been in a power position over this employee for eight years. That's not going to read well in the deposition, my brother.

Not to mention her feeling like, man, what am I supposed to do? Lose my job too? Right. Forget the legal side of it, just like when your boss says, hey, you want to come over? Are you going to meet at a hotel? whatever those text messages in black and white don't read well man i i i go with what your therapist said he's been working with you for months now i think the first conversation begins with your wife or the first conversation begins with you submitting your resignation for wherever it

is you work and you going home and telling your wife here we go here's everything and she may get on the phone and call this other woman's husband she may march down to who knows you can't control what happens next and i think this illusion of control and you balancing all these spinning plates it's made you have to detach from reality from the amount of pain you're about to go through and more importantly the amount of pain you put so many other people through by your choices and your actions and the other employees in this office the customers that you serve, everybody. But the only person you can control right now is you.

And doing the next right integris thing. That's my call for you, brother. And I won't give up on you. I'll be here if you want to call me back after it all goes down. I'll love to take that call and I'll sit here with you. It's your move, man. It's your move. we come back a man asks how to be supportive of his wife when they just can't agree

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Hi, how you doing, Dr. Don? I'm good, brother. How are you, man? Oh, doing good, doing good. What's up? Hey, I appreciate taking my call. I was calling, so my wife and I, we've been married for seven years now, and we've got three kids. We've got five, three, and one, he's not even one yet.

And in the last couple of years, the kind of the way that we've looked at parenting has changed a little bit. And, you know, we were raised in, you know, kind of different households. Her household was split. Mom was together, but, you know, I was kind of raised with a, you know, more with a heavy hand. And she, you know, her parents really didn't, which she wasn't a bad kid or anything like that. But she didn't really get punished all that much. And so our oldest two boys have, we got, and all three the kids are boys.

They have started to kind of pushing her in a level that, you know, they're definitely pushing their boundaries with her. Hold on. They're five? Five, three, and so the three and the five-year-old. Okay, so I want to change your language right out of the gate, okay, to make sure we're on the same page. Yeah.

Five and three-year-olds don't, unless they have, like, psychiatric disorders. Five and three-year-old boys? are usually just fully five and three-year-old boys. Okay. What do you mean when you say fully? I mean, when you say these boys have just started pushing her buttons, as though they're in the wrong. Five and three-year-olds are just five- and three-year-olds.

Yeah. And it's the adult's jobs to not allow five- and three-year-olds to push their buttons. You get what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. I agree. And that's got a lot of, that's got a lot of implications. I know it's a heavy statement I'm making, but I never want to blame a five and a three-year-old for being five-and-three. Well, and that kind of comes to the crux of the issue.

Okay. Like I said, I was raised with a heavy hand and I always, you know, it was kind of worried that I'd be. Did you get hit a lot? And I don't want to talk bad about my parents. It wasn't hit, but it was, you know, Southern kind of, you know, grab the switch and, you know, pull down your bridges. And hit you? Well, yeah, but... Pull your bare butt out, embarrass you?

Yeah, but, you know, it wasn't anything that I would consider. It wouldn't abuse by any means. But... I'll let that one go. Okay, keep going. Keep going. And there was a, you know, I was trying to really be careful whenever I was, you know, becoming dad, making sure I wouldn't, you know,

whipping on my boys and giving them any kind of issues or nothing. And, you know, my wife and all week kind of saw the same things. You know, now she's, you know, because she's at home with all three of them, which the five-year-old's going to school now, so it ain't as bad. Get right done to your question for me. What are you all struggling with? So she's punishing the boys in ways and manners I don't necessarily agree with. Okay.

And she doesn't want to list anything I have to say because she's one that's at home with them. Okay. But I also, she's at kind of a real vulnerable stake right now. So I don't want to, you know, I want to encourage her and be supportive of her. But I don't know how to do that, you know, without, you know, crushing her spirit and telling her, you know, you ain't doing it right. Gotcha. Awesome. Because, I mean, it's my first, but I just taking my third time. But I don't know what I'm doing either.

Right. None of us do, man. None of us too. Hey, can I just, can I tell you, I appreciate the call? Yeah. And I appreciate you seeing your wife struggling and wanting to love her best. you can. Yeah. And at the same time, I appreciate you being a dad who wants to protect his kids and love and honor his kids in a different way than you were treated, okay? I think all of that is noble. I'm proud of you, okay? That tells me your good daddy and a good husband, okay? Good on you. Um, there's a couple of hard truths here, but I'll just jump right directly into the middle of them okay hard truth number one is your wife has to have a circle of women in her life

of people in her life that is not five and three and one and that affirms her and that listens to her and communicates with her and gives her a full picture of a full life the picture you're painting me right now is an exhausted fried stuck at home woman who's dealing with both postpartum and a five-year-old and a three-year-old and the who am I and I want to be a mom and I want to be a stay-at-home mom and my family broke up so my family's not going to break up and it just that that comes out as people snap that's when adults find themselves yelling at five-year-olds and three-year-olds right or banging the walls or hitting kids or what I can if you feel this thing coming out of you.

Oh, yeah. Right? Am I on to something? Oh, yeah. Okay. You're hitting the nail on the head. So you can create space for her to do that. She's going to have to choose that.

Yeah. How do you create space? It begins very small with, how can I love you today? I don't know. Why don't you? No, no, no, no. how can I love you today?

And this is you Chase coming home from a full, full, tiring, exhausting day of work and still walking in the door and being plugged in as you can and collapsing on the bed. This won't be forever. This will be for a couple of years.

This is the season. It's winter. You've got to wear a coat right now. Yeah. Right? And that looks like, how can I love you? That looks like calling your mom

or a friend or a neighbor to come over. a couple of times a week. It also looks like saying we're not going to treat the boys like this. You're not here. I'm just putting my foot down. We're not going to beat up on these kids, period. Yeah.

So it's both and. If you don't protect your kids, and I'm intentionally not asking you specific questions, okay, I want you to hear that. if you don't protect your kids from whoever it's wrong yeah and there is a way you can protect your kids and honor your exhausted fried completely spun out wife lonely wife too at the same time but she's going to have to a opt into some changes and be a part of it and you can't make her do that but you can't protect those kids yeah and I know this is uncomfortable fair yeah it is but you know I'm

you know I want to I want to be right by all of them you know I don't I don't want it to put in a blame on you know one person or another it's uh you know if somebody's hurting kids there's blame to there's blame to be put well and when I say hurting I don't mean nothing like abusive or nothing like that okay okay okay and I don't mean to insinuate that by any means okay um so have you you have you tried this have you tried this, you calling around and getting a babysitter, even if y'all can't afford it, you figure it out,

just figure it out. And you all go away for a two or three hour long, long breakfast at a local diner. The other, I mean, it's a small thing, but she don't really feel comfortable leaving the kids with nobody. So that's where it's like,

it kind of limits my options on what I can do to kind of, you know, it's either, you know, I watch them and, you know, because I'll do it like once a week and she'll kind of get out but that to me is a flag in and of itself that she is so closely identified

that she is so closely identified her well-being it becomes it becomes codependent I need my kids to be okay I need to my I need to be the have hawk eyes on these kids

so that I can be okay which in a weird way means she's using those kids for her own well-being and kids can't carry that weight yeah and so that becomes a hard conversation to say i know that you love our kids and i know that you struggle with the anxiousness of letting somebody else watch them and there will not be peace in this house if you can't disengage and so we're going to practice and sometimes that's hiring somebody to come over or mom or a grandparent or somebody to come over for 10 minutes and go for a walk and then come back

and the next week it's 15 minutes and the next week it's we're going to go get breakfast and then come right back. It becomes a practice. Yeah. But if somebody can't disengage with three little ones and yet the lack of disengagement from those three little ones is making them insane,

somebody who loves her has to get in the middle of that and say, hey, look. Will she go see a counselor with you? Yeah, I think so. We hadn't done it. but I think she would. Okay. But again, it'd kind of be the same thing as we'd have to have someone watch the kids.

Great. You know, but I may have to just kind of tell her, you know, trying to be nice about it. Here's the way I would say. I love you. Have I ever lied to you? Hopefully the answer is no. I have booked us an appointment with a local counselor, and I have made arrangements, and I know you don't want to go, and I'm asking you to come with me.

I'm not okay and I want you to be okay and I want us to be okay if you go to her and say you're acting crazy you're not right and so I made us an appointment she's not going to go

but just maybe if you say I need to go see somebody so that I can better love you and I can be a better dad for these three kids but I can't do this by myself will you come with me she may come with you

Yeah. Okay. But that means you get the babysitter and you make the first counseling appointment. Or better yet, I'm going to give you three months of my friends at Better Help for free so y'all can do couples counseling online. And you can put the kids in another room and y'all can talk on the computer screen together, okay? I think for you all, especially for her, she needs to be in the presence of somebody. I think that nervous system regulation will be helpful. to get you started,

I'll stay on the line here and I'll get you hooked up with three months for free with my friends at better help. But it's a both-in thing, but constantly we're coming back to how can I love you today? How can I love you today?

Hang on the line also. I'm going to hook you up. I started that Together app, which is an app designed to get you off of your phone, actually, and back into your marriage with a daily practice. We only have it for Apple so far,

so it's not in the Android store yet. We're working on it. But if you got an Apple phone, I'm going to hook you up with it. We'll get your email address and we'll get it sent over to you. It's a daily practice that you and your wife can do together.

And both of you will have different assignments for that day. But it's designed to, through daily practices, bring peace back into your marriage and back into your household so that y'all can do the next right thing. She's lucky to have you,

man, but it's going to take some investment and you're going to be tired and it's going to take some investment and you don't sound like you're a guy that's scared of hard work. So we're going to head right into the middle of this thing. You're going to get the babysitter. You're going to make the counseling appointment. You're going to tell her, I love you, and I want to be a better husband. I want to be a better dad. I need some support. And we're going to protect these kids. We're not screaming and yelling and scaring children. All of that. And it's a tall order. It means you've got to learn some new skills, and I'm proud of you for stepping into it. Thanks for the call, my brother. Call anytime. And hey, if she wants to call too, if y'all both want to call,

I'd love to have you both on. Next up, a woman asks if she should prioritize money management or her mental health. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, here's the truth. I have great friends. I've got a strong faith, and I have an amazing wife and a family. I'm also kind of a nerd, and I got two PhDs worth of information about how to be well and whole, right? And yet, there have been critically important times in my life several of these times over the years that I've had to go spend time with a great therapist

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Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloni to get 10% off your first month. That's a BetterHelp, h-elp.com slash Deloni. All right, let's go out to Springfield, Missouri. and talk to Charity. What's up, Charity? Hi, Dr. John.

What's up? Honestly, I'm tired and I'm a bit overwhelmed, but I'm so grateful that I get to speak with you. You've been such a influence in my life the last eight months. Thanks for calling. I appreciate your trust. What's up? So, obviously, I've been through a journey with my mental health. Thank you for being a random podcast that I saw on YouTube one day. anyways so and so I've been really realizing that my mental health has has really been struggling these past few years more so than than ever so I really and I'm the breadwinner

in my family and I really took a step back this year and took a step back from work and my job in and of itself is extremely stressful as well what's your job I'm a critical care R& There we go. Trauma nurse. Yeah, exactly. Yep. What population? Everybody? Everybody.

I do neurotrauma, ICU, regular ICU, cardiovascular, intensive care. I do it all. So for people listening, when you're a critical care nurse, not only are you dealing with people that are on the precipice of dying. You're also dealing with sobbing children. children, screaming wives, devastated husbands. You're dealing with all of that all at the same time. Absolutely. And that's an exhausting.

You're dealing with egos of doctors. You're dealing with other nurses that are dropping off, sobbing in closets and coming out and wiping their mascara or their, like, it's just a mess. Oh, yes. I've been one of those in that closet, wiped them mascara away many a time. If I wore mascara, I would have been wiping mine off too. I've snuck off those closets and I'm not even a day-to-day nurse. And then real recently, as I've kind of been on this journey, ironically, my husband started the journey, and I thought in the beginning, I'm like, so I go babble, mumbo, jumbo, whatever, and he came to me and he really, you know, he's pouring his heart out to me, and he's really trying to better himself as well.

So we're both really struggling with, I've got past trauma and then also my stressful job and then just through your show and just through me finding, you know, that these things, my mental health is profoundly affecting my children as well. You know, I've got three little ones and they need to be my priority. But with that step back, we have fallen behind on our bills so much so. we're behind on our mortgage again and that is just we're behind on our water bill and I know the four four corners of your home

the four foundational walls and if we can't even make those things happen what do I do? Do I prioritize me so I can be better and I can be here for my children and or do I go or do I push through and I hustle and I get through because I can't

I do have an opportunity to make more money at my job. You know, it is a specialty. And, you know, there's always sick people in hours and everything. So I do have an opportunity to pick up. But I just, the idea of me taking that time away from my kids who are semi in crisis right now, we just, ironically, after I got a phone call from your show that letting me know that I was going to be on, And we were dealing with some hard truths that we found out about our 13-year-old daughter. And anyways.

Are you able to share? Well, my daughter is struggling a little bit with some personal. We found out she had been self-harming. I'm not a terribly spiritual person, but one day she came home from school and I saw in her backpack. I just, when I say my ears were like ringing like tinnitus, like really, really ringing. And I went to my husband and I said, man, I think something's wrong with our daughter. I said, man, something's going on. And he said, you know, we really should respect her privacy.

Like that was a big thing, you know, us respecting her privacy. She's a very capable young woman. At least we felt so. So anyways, and long story short, I went with my gut. My ears were ringing loud with warning bell, mama warning bells. So I sat down with my daughter. I pulled out the thing that I felt like she was hiding, and we talked for, I think it was like an hour. And long story short, I found in the notebook, there were notes from her friends stating,

please don't. It were. I'm sorry. You're good. They were, notes, her friends begging them, not, begging her not to kill herself, not to go. And I had no idea. And so we went to, and again, because of your show, we got into crisis, we got it into a crisis appointment the next morning. We went and saw her pediatrician, we got her on some medication and everything.

But how can I take time away from her when she's hurting? And may I just back talk and speak and say that that's what I'm talking about whenever we went to the crisis appointment, that we found out that my husband and I's behavior and our lack of rein in or us being adults, for a matter of fact, you know, letting our mental health run wild. And we just kind of felt like it didn't affect anybody but ourselves. But it really, really affected my daughter.

So do me a huge favor. Yes. Take a deep as breath as you possibly can. Hold it for a count of four, three, two, and blow it out with your mouth. And then pull your shoulders all the way down. Okay. You know, I do this every time you tell somebody to put their shoulders down. I find my shoulders are up.

I know. I can hear it. First and foremost, thank you for sharing that. Have you said that out loud about your daughter yet? If you told anybody? My husband. Besides him? My therapist. Besides your therapist.

You pay your therapist. My sisters. I do have my two sisters that I did let know. so this might sound bananas i don't hear somebody who's working too much okay and i don't hear somebody i won't go through the whole litany here's what i hear i hear somebody who's out of hope okay because you do you have a switch you could flip and go get everything right financially and my gut tells me by the way you just told the story that your husband will burn through it in two months.

What do you mean by that? It's easy to get yourself in a financial position when you have an on-and-off switch like you do professionally. And I just picked him randomly. Maybe he's a wonderful, great guy. Oh, yes. He's the best person I know. Okay, then I take back what I said.

Okay. I feel like the problem child in our marriage, to be honest. Why? Tell me what makes you the problem child? I just feel he's very kind and he is very patient. Okay, but hold on, hold on. Is he make enough money to help support the family? He does work a full-time.

He does work a full-time job. Yes, he does. Okay. It's just he's Monday He's Monday through Friday You know and and I'm I can work I have that nice nurse schedule I work my full week in three days

Sure So I can pick up I do have four other days off But well you have four days to recover So what about your What is your total household income? My total household income Between his full-time job

And you working three 12s Or three tens So I'm make, I'm so sorry, we bring home about $8,200 a month total. So his full-time job does not make very much money, does it? He makes about $3,800 a month, take home pay. And as a trauma nurse, you bring home $5,000 a month, $60,000 a year? Yeah, yes, and that is me working weekend, weekend option, which is an additional

something extra an hour so what's your house payment a month it is um it's $2,900 a month so that's right on the right on the edge there yeah do you all have car payments where y'all struggling with this like how much money do you owe if you put all your debts on a piece of paper

well without without my house without my house payment we owe $24,000. And that's just, that's credit card. That's like $8,000. It's almost $10,000 in credit card debt. And then all those odds and ends, braces, just like loan repay. We took, what is that called?

Retirement loans, got to repay those things. Oh, my gosh. We owe our Missouri and our federal income tax stuff. It's just crazy But those payments are killing us We didn't buy new cars Our cars are on our last leg We try to do the Dave Ramsey thing

A while back And we were able to pay off our vehicles And we never bought new ones And we did pay off our cards But we just We just keep filling them back up well it sounds like you're in the middle of what i would call the american nightmare right now which is there's this life that we want to have and we both have two jobs

and they're not they're not world beater jobs but they're good jobs or good stable jobs and yet we just find ourselves slipping and slipping and slipping and here's the cold hard truth that nobody wants to talk about, okay? And we could talk about taxing billionaires, and we can talk about tax, we can do all that. That doesn't help the average person, because the average person's drowning, right? Yes.

I've made more money now than I ever have in my entire life, and we are broker than I ever was with a newborn on food stamps, with one job. So here's the reality. You can spend less money? And or you can make more. Okay. The other option that people recoil at is you can get very strict with a budget.

Okay. And say for the first time, here is where every dollar is going to go. And if it's not there, then we eat at home. And if it's not there, because, when I say you're out of hope and I thought it was your husband I'm glad to know that he's working his butt off and I'm glad to know

you got three kids you said or two? I have three. Three, okay. So you got a lot going on and you got a chaotic job and I'll get with your job here in a second. I'm glad to know it's not you don't have somebody in the house

dragging everybody down the two adults, okay? But also you walking around thinking that you're a burden to your family isn't true. It's just not honest. you're not a burden to your family

listen to me I don't care what it feels like it's incorrect or at least go with me for right now that your feeling thermometer is off it's not calibrated is that fair I can believe that for sure your kids will not be better off

without their mom in their life your patience and those families will not be better off without you your husband will not be better off without you okay okay it's not a factual statement but also if you're going to go hit the switch and work really hard for six months and make an extra two thousand dollars a month 12 grand and get halfway to that debt paid off and your husband's going to come home and pick up some slack, some major slack after his job, and you come home and you all just go out to eat that money away? You're out of hope. Well, and I'm not entirely sure. It's not really that we eat. We are very good. I made that up. I made that up. Oh, okay. I was like, no, just I don't know why. Everything is just so, we are. We are.

are barely making ends meet. It's crazy. Okay, but you bring home $96,000. I know. Where does it go? Right. And because you can't answer that question, we can say, it's because of the eggs,

it's because of the strawberries, or it's because of the, you don't know. You don't know. We're going to count for every dollar. Every single one. And it's going to feel restrictive. Think of it this way. It's like if every football player

who went out on the field got mad at the length of the field or the length of a timeout or that if everyone would just want to play by different rules that game would not be fun it would be very unsafe

and everybody would get hurt and people quit playing. Yeah. What a budget does is it establishes the rules of the game so that then within those rules you could do whatever you want.

Do you get what I'm saying? Yes, yes. You're establishing boundaries. you know what your limitations are and what you have to work with. But it also gives you an amazing amount of freedom. It helps you traffic in reality. And when you say you're struggling with mental health,

when you struggle with emotional health, it's usually a detachment from reality. When your body is rooted in real life and your mind and your feelings and your relationships are rooted in other places, or unruited, they're untethered. Do you what I'm saying? Yes, when I'm home,

I find myself just pacing around. But I have an inability to do anything. It's just... Spins and it spins and it spins. Yeah. Yes. Yep. That's exactly.

Yeah. Have you ever sat down with a trauma counselor to talk about childhood stuff? I have since starting your show. I did go establish care with a counselor and she's not a trauma counselor. But remember, I went from a state of, this is Phooey to, I guess I'll go see somebody at where my husband goes to see his therapist. And she's been part of the reason I was so, I was so, in a moment of desperation, I emailed you as I asked my counselor this very question, like, what do I do? Do I prioritize my mental health or my financial health? And she looked at me and she said, girl, I don't know.

And so that's when I sent you that email. All right, so I want you to make a commitment to me. Okay. To never binary your choices. Okay. Okay. Most anxious people I know, and by the way, your anxiety sounds both personal and professional. Oh.

Which then we try to solve with chaos. okay and then our children absorb that stuff and they can't carry the chaos and it comes out in all kinds of different ways it comes out in cutting it comes out in using marijuana it comes out in straight A's it comes out all over the place with them

trying to shoulder the weight of adult chaos and so think of you telling your therapist you don't have to re-up you don't have to go back It's a professional relationship, okay? But you looking there in Springfield and finding a trauma-informed therapist and say, I'm ready to deal with the hard stuff. Okay?

Okay. And I'm telling you this is, this will give peace to great grandkids that you will never get to meet because you did this work. it's been the highest honor of my week to get to talk to you charity thank you so so much for your call for your bravery for your honesty hang on the line i'm going to send you a couple of things first thing i'm going to send you is i'm going to send you every dollar the premium app that will help you and your husband with your budgeting okay and husband if you listen to this call forgive me i came after you at the beginning of this call i was wrong usually it's the husband

or one of the partners it was neither of you guys so except my forgiveness there i'm going to send you every dollar app for a year the premium version it will link with your bank it will link with each other and i want you to make an ironclad till death through a smart budget we're going to know where every dollar is and we're going to get to the bottom of how do we bring home 96 000 dollars but we can't afford groceries i'm going to be honest about that and then we're going to be honest i'm going to send you financial peace university the course the actual nine lessons it's a digital lessons i want you to watch them as a family all of y'all watch them okay and by the way a balance between my mental health or my financial health that stuff's two braided together

it's woven together so as you all begin to work on your financial health you begin to feel more confident you feel you begin to develop a plan and you'll have values that you share together over time that helps your mental and emotional health okay it all works together and sometimes you pause one for the other etc but we're going to work on that thing going together okay I'm also going to send you two copies of my book building a non-anxious life i want you and your whole family to read that and we're going to shift our household focus to how do we create peace here and today you're going to call you're going to make that call to a trauma-informed therapist in town you say i'm ready some hard hard stuff and the healing's going to begin i would say day one but you're already way past that you're on at

charity i'm proud of you you call me any time Any time. High honor. We'll be right back. All right, Kelly, 2.0. Cool crap that happened. What's up? Yes.

With Kelly 1.0 in the shadows. No pressure, right? In the distant analog shadows. So this comes from CJ in Pittsburgh. He says, this past weekend, I have the honor of marrying a friend and his wife. I took it upon myself to personalize the ceremony section. And during it, I challenged the couple to, to ask one another one simple question each day.

How can I love you today? After the ceremony, I had multiple people of all ages asked where I came up with that question and obviously I gave you all the credit, John. That would be so awesome if he was like, all me, dude, all me. The great conversations that came from such a simple question were so amazing to be a part of.

Thank you so much for inspiring so many couples of all ages to love each other. That's awesome. And I'm not going to lie, when you first started reading this and he said, I married a couple friend this weekend. I was like, well, here we go. Here's yet another call.

But he officiated the wedding. That's good. That's good. That would have been par for the course for this show. Awesome. Hey, everybody, keep loving each other. That's awesome. That's all I'm going to say.

Love you guys. Bye.