The Dr. John Delony Show - I’ve Been Lying About Going to College

Episode Date: January 17, 2024

On this episode, we hear about: - A man wondering if he should tell his parents the truth - A woman reeling after learning about her ex’s secret sex addiction - A wife unsure of how to handle her husband’s extreme anger Lyrics of the Day: "Since U Been Gone" - Kelly Clarkson  To buy "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson click here. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp Hallow Organifi Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Building a Non-Anxious Life Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. He's been going to intimacy parties. Sex parties. Yes. I found out he has been cross-dressing. He has engaged in the opposite sex. He admitted to me he was cheating with a 20-something-year-old. He said he has a sex addiction.

Oh, it's so messy. What is up? This is John with Dr. John Deloney's show. Welcome, welcome, welcome. I hope you're doing all right. If you want to be on this show, we're talking about mental and emotional health. We're talking about your marriage.

We're talking about whatever's going on in your life, your relationship with your kids, your kids' schools, your workplace, whatever you got going on. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask A-S-K. We are recording this episode right before we leave for the Christmas holidays. And everybody's burned out. A little bit. A little bit. Yeah.

See, Kelly's not even speaking in complete sentences anymore. Tomorrow's the last show before the holiday, and let's just say it can't come soon enough. Well, I would like to tell you that I would like to spend more time with you, but I hear what you're saying loud and clear.

I believe your words were, I'm barely hanging on. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't think I said that. I did. Actually, I said that. Let's go out to Northern Oklahoma, otherwise known known as vancouver canada what's up david how are we doing brother hey thank you for taking my call thanks for calling in man what's up hi so um just have a question i need help here um how do i tell my parents that I haven't been going to school for the last five years.

Uh, do you have a pen? Yeah, I got, uh, got my laptop here. All right. Type this. Dear mom and dad. Yep. I have not been going to school for the last five years. Period. How about, how about that yeah tell me about it what happened what happened yeah I'd like I know I've been planning to like I just tell me about it find the right time

there's not gonna be a right time dude you're just gonna have to do it but tell me tell me what happened for five years you've been lying to your folks. What have you been doing with the money? Tuition? What have you been doing? Yeah, so I haven't been taking any money for tuition. Also, in the last five years, some stuff happened with my mom. Her mental health has been getting worse. She got diagnosed with delusional disorder, so right now she's not in the best shape so I'm just scared telling her this news

is just going to make her even worse. So maybe she's not the best person to tell. What about your dad? My dad, I know my dad has been stressed out too because of my mom and I want to tell him and I know he I think he knows there's something up

with me but like I'm just scared like how should I tell them like let's back up dude what happened five years ago that you started telling this story and you've been lying for five years what have you been doing happened five years ago that you started telling this story and you've been lying for five years? What have you been doing for five years? Yeah. So during these five years,

I know that I had to do something and not just waste time. So I got a good job. I'm renting my own place. So I'm not there. I'm making money myself so I can that I can take care of myself so I what are you doing what I'm doing what are you doing I'm an account manager at a marketing company right now okay and you're making a good living you have a good career trajectory yeah do you like marketing? Yeah. Do you need a degree for the job you have? Have you deceived your bosses? No. So even my bosses know what's going on with my situation.

And I've been doing a great job. So I've been here for a while, a couple of years. So I've been doing great and they love me here and I love my job. So why do you feel like, have you been actively lying to your parents? Why do you feel like you need to come clean with them? Cause I don't want to like have this like lie forever. And I can feel it in my chest. Like whenever they ask me about school, like I, it's just hard to talk to them about that.

And I know they deserve to know the truth. Yeah. They deserve. I mean, if you've been telling them, if they ask you like, Hey, how's school going? You're like, I got finals coming up. They're going to be tough. If you're doing that, then yeah, man, stop lying to your parents, dude. Um, I want to get at the root of this and And I'm asking this not because it's okay to perpetuate a half a decade lie to your parents. It's never okay.

And I want to know why you felt you had to do this in the first place. And what I'm asking is, have your parents been, if your mom's just now getting diagnosed with some sort of delusion disorder and your dad is struggling, it's never okay to lie, but was it an unsafe place for you to be honest and say, hey, I'd rather just go to the workforce instead of go to college? Or were you just, did you take a chicken way out when you were 18 or 19?

You just don't know how to, how to reel it back in now. I think I, at first it was a chicken way out during when I was 18 and first out of high school. Um, I did try to tell them like in high school that after when I started my first semester in a university that they I didn't want to be a doctor anymore and my mom pretty much like guilted me into it saying like you're wasting my my talent or that you work so hard we just want you to be a doctor I guess it's like following my uh my parents's dream

but which is in mind so i felt really guilty about that and then a couple years after that um mom's mental health got worse and i just couldn't find the right time to tell them i want you to pick up a book. Check real quick, Kelly. It's either, I think it's Lindsey Gibson. It's called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Okay? I think it's Lindsey C. Gibson. Is that the author?

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents? Yes. It is a small book, David, and it is a masterpiece. I ended up, I should have highlighted my book with a Sharpie and just highlighted the, I mean, just crossed out the parts that I didn't highlight because I basically highlighted the entire book. What you're describing is you've been a part of a world where it's your job to live out your parents' fantasies. And unfortunately, that's not your job. Actually, fortunately, it's not your job. Right? Yeah. actually, fortunately, it's not your job, right? Yeah.

And that doesn't give you liberty to cash in your integrity and lie to your parents. So the easy answer is I follow two principles. Number one, I only speak if people can hear me. If your mom is struggling with a delusion disorder, then she can't hear you. Your dad probably can. And so I would tell my dad, Dad, I need to talk to you in person. Do you live in the same town as him?

Yeah. Okay. Dad, I need to take you to a meal. It needs to be just us two. And I have a heavy conversation I need to have with you. I'm safe and I'm okay, but I need to have a hard conversation with you. And the way I would approach this conversation after you let him know, that way he at least comes ready.

He's not just going to be eating a pancake and all of a sudden you're like, hey, for the last five years, I've been lying to you all the time. So you let him know and he'll sit down and say what's going on. And it's important to say I'm safe. I'm healthy. I'm okay. And then you let him know

that for five years, I haven't told you the truth. And I would actually seek to soften the blow a little bit and say, for the last three and a half years, I've been working at such and such marketing firm as an account manager, making a good living. I never went to college. I lied to you for four years or five years, and I'm sorry. And then you stop talking. I wish there was more complex, like more, like there was a switch to flip.

There was something to like, and then do that. There's not. But what he's going to want to know out of the gate is my boy okay? Is my boy safe? What happened? And then he'll get to the, I can't believe you lied to me. And he may have been telling his friends for five years, my son's going to be a doctor. My son's

going to be a doctor. He may have been making decisions financially because my boy's going to be a doctor. My boy's going to be a doctor. And no matter how successful you are financially, he's going to have to wrestle with the fact that his son has lied to him for five years. So you're going to need to be very grateful with what he says next, because he has not shown that he's got good emotional regulation up until this point. So I wouldn't expect it just suddenly to appear out of nowhere, but he's going to get some, need some time. Fair enough. Yeah. Sounds good. Okay. What I don't want you to do is to turn around and make his response his fault make him the victim and what comes next okay

yeah this is about you doing what's right and if he chooses to just go bananas and yell and scream and or walk out on you whatever then he's choosing um to revert back to some childhood behavior. He gets to do that, and then you're going to have to make some hard decisions about what comes next. But you're going to keep your character and your dignity and respect intact. Fair?

Yeah. So, what are you going to say to him? I'm just going to tell him the truth. I'm going to tell him that I haven't been going to school for the last five years. I'm just going to tell him the truth I'm going to tell him that I haven't been going to school for the last five years I'm sorry for lying to you but

I've been working no buts after that tell him you've been working first and then say I've been lying to you I have not gone to school got it and then there's a period at the end because there's not a but after that.

Okay. Because but suggests like, I haven't been doing this, but it's okay because it's not. I've been lying to you, ma'am. I'm just going to sit here in this awkwardness and tension. I'm going to own it. And then I think it's important for you to also tell them, I'm choosing to tell you because I know mom's not okay.

Yeah. And normally I to tell you because I know mom's not okay. Yeah. And normally I would tell you both, but I have more trust in you right now. And he might start weeping, he might get up and walk away. When you imagine this, knowing your dad, because I obviously don't know him, what do you think he's going to do?

Since the home's not the best right now, I think he might try or just not talk to me for a while. Okay. I hate that for you. Yeah. But also,

I don't want a potential adverse outcome for you to be the reason you don't be a person of integrity. And can we put a stick in the ground, a stake in the ground and say, I'm never going to lie again. I'm going to always tell the truth. Yeah. Does that sound fair? Yeah, I won't. Okay.

Even though this is going to be hard are you at peace yeah I'm pretty happy with myself just not this lie I have okay let's let it rip man and let me know how it goes right back into the show

let me know how the conversation goes and this probably won't come up but if your dad wants to talk to me i'd be happy to talk to him as well sounds like he's had a really tough go of it as of late but i want you to pick up that book um we'll link to it in the show notes it's just such a good book i've got no financial incentive it's just one of those uh few books that is so so good. And for everybody out there, secrets will kill you. Secrets will kill you. Tell the truth. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're

being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering

therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere, so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com

slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. Alright, let's go back to, man, the city with the best food in America, San Antonio, Texas, and talk to Stacey. What's up, Stacey?

Hey, Dr. John, how are you? What up? I'm doing good. How about you? Oh, I've been better. It's been a pretty rough year. I've been great. I wouldn't be talking to you. That's well played. Well played. I'm laughing with you, not at you. So what's up? What's up? If I wasn't laughing, I'd be crying. Right? Right. I totally get it. What's up? Okay. So I'm, I'm newly divorced and I'm trying to navigate this and I'm having, I'm having some issues. How long were you married?

21 years. I'm 45. So a long time. You're 45? Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah.

We have two kids. Oh, gosh. 19 and 21. Oh, geez. Okay. What happened? Um, long and short of things. Uh, he admitted to me he was cheating with a 20 something year old.

Oh. Um, and, um. Just say it. We're here. Just say it. Uh, throughout the divorce, I, I did some digging And I, with the help of a friend, found him on some vicarious website. And he's been going to intimacy parties. Sex parties?

Yeah. Intimacy parties. Sounds like people are telling like secrets and passing notes. It's the best way I could describe it. I found out he had on this web site that I found pictures and videos of him doing things in my home. I found out he has been cross-dressing, that he has engaged in the opposite sex. And this was unbeknownst to me.

And during the divorce, I was advised by my lawyer not to confront him about this. Why? I didn't. Why, why, why, why, why, why? It was pretty much, I ended up with darn near everything in the divorce. Okay. So it was just going to, you were going to win anyway and she want to cloud it up. Yeah.

Okay. All right. Yeah. So, um, before the divorce was final, um, I did start having, um, little hints here and there of, I know what you've been doing. And, and so he, he did eventually confess to me and he said he has a sex addiction. Um, and I'm gonna, um, there's a lot to this, of course. I'm just going to unpack a little bit, um, just to give him the benefit of the doubt. Um, and I don't know why I have to give that to

him, but here I am. Can we do something? Can we do something? Are we going to breathe? Yeah, let's breathe. Okay. Yeah, let's take a breath. I'm going to do something I don't normally do. Yeah. I don't want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Oh, okay. I don't want to. You know why? Because he's not on the phone I don't really care about him right now Okay I care about you And you've been giving people The damn benefit of the doubt

For your whole life You've been letting people Run all over you For your whole life Fair? Actually that's not true People have been running All over you

When you're a kid You can't help that I shouldn't have said it like that I'm sorry I still let them Well Here we are I don't want to you're a kid you can't help that i shouldn't have said it like that i'm sorry i still let him well here we are i don't want to i don't want to hear his story right now his sob story well um i had because you hold on because you're sitting in the ash of that mess. Oh, it's so messy.

I know. It ruined. I told him he took away my kid's innocence. He took away my dreams, my future. A bomb was just dropped, and we had no choice in the matter. And I don't know how to parent right now. I'm an anxious mess, which shouldn't cause stress or anxiety. It causes me to just lash out. And I'm almost into just frozen mode,

like things, I just can't make decisions. And I, this man needs help for my kid's sake. He needs therapy. He needs to get into help, find help. But I have begged him and he hasn't. And I don't know how to parent my kids I don't know if I should say keep keep talking to him keeps the the line open or if I should just step back and let them see him for his true colors because I feel like I'm constantly catching the bombs he's throwing

because he's still screwing up in their lives. Have you sat down with your kids and talked to them about what happened, what you found? One, not the other. Why one, not the other? I don't think my son could handle it. Why do you think that? Both of your kids are adults. Why do you think that? He's a very, very sensitive kid. He actually woke me up at 11 o'clock last night and said, Mom, I just need a hug.

He was crying. That's right. And I don't know why. I asked him, come on, let's talk. He's like, no, I don't want to talk. I just need a hug. That's right. You're home base for him right now.

But can I tell you, to a sensitive kid, as Dr. Becky calls them, deeply feeling children. Yeah. A parent who's not being fully open, especially to an adult child, the kid knows. And what that kid feels is your rage and your anger and your complete bewilderment walking around in the woods like your house is like walking around after a tornado has knocked over everything. Just that daze, you know? Yeah. And that poor kid thinks it's his fault. Because he doesn't know what's going on.

And so he feels crazy. And you're going to watch him revert back to very childlike behaviors, like, mom, can I just cuddle with you? Because that's his nervous system trying to be regulated because he doesn't know what is going on, and I'm not saying badmouth dad. I'm saying look your 19-year-old

and your 21-year-old in the eye and say, I'm not okay. Yeah. I found out that your father has violated the terms of our marriage over and over and over again for our entire marriage yeah and that's not taught you're not being egregious you're not like i got videos none of that stuff right you can say, I've seen evidence of it. It's part of the reason we got divorced. And it caught me completely off guard.

Your dad's sick. He's not well. He's not okay. I know we love him. I still love him. You love him. But he's not okay. Very, very far distant. Yeah.

That is very different than that man's a piece of crap and he, that's different. We're not going to engage in that. Right. I get to do that. Right. I get to say that, but I don't have the energy for that. That's right. That's right. You don't. But hold on. Hold on. Before we go to the next thing. Okay. You can't,

you acknowledged all the hurting people in this thing. Yeah. Except for Stacey. Yeah. And you've probably heard me, if you listen to the show ever, I say this all the time in these kinds of situations, but this one's extra scary.

The person who's most just has evaporated in front of themselves is you. Can you tell me like with all honesty, just like hand on your heart, you had no idea something was going on like this? I had no idea. Okay. That's okay. But here's the deal. You have to understand the trauma that that is

because now the person you don't trust most in the world is you. No. And it makes you feel crazy, doesn't it? Yeah. Like, how could you not know

this was going on in your house? And here's what I want to tell you. You were married to somebody who violated you at every step of the way. This is not your fault. Okay? What's wrong with me? What, babe?

What is wrong with me? your whole world just blew up your sense of self is gone your marriage is gone the picture you had of your kids moving off to college and you and your husband creating this new world when they were gone is gone

it's all gone of course you're lashing out at people of course your body's anxious is all bloody hell of course you're lashing out at people. Of course your body's anxious as all bloody hell. Of course it is. And you've heard of fight or flight. We don't talk about it, but there's fight,

flight, or freeze. There comes a moment when it's so, the trauma is so overwhelming, your body just shuts the system off because it can't compute it all. It can't respond. What do I do?

First thing is, I want you to take as deep breath as possible right now And hold it, okay? Hold it for a count of four One, two, three It almost burns Four, exhale Did you let it out?

Yeah Okay, now I want you to take your shoulders And I want you to burrow them up under your ears As tight as you possibly can for a count of three. Squish them up there. One, two, three, and then drop them all the way down. Okay? Yeah.

What room are you in right now? My car. In your car? All right, cool. I don't want my son to hear. Yeah. Okay. I want you to count the buttons on your dashboard right now.

On your radio, your car radio. Does it have buttons on it or is it one of those newfangled computer-y, button-y things? It's got buttons. Count them for me. Count them out loud. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Oh, there's a lot. Eight. Okay, that's good. You get the point. Here's what we're doing. Often when people's entire world had blown up, their marriage was over. Someone had, a loved one had walked, had passed away. I would hold their hand and we would walk down the street and we'd count cracks in the sidewalk.

Okay. Here's what we're doing. We're bringing our body to right now. Okay. We're still breathing right now. The sun is out right now. Okay. Yeah.

I'm going to give you a couple ideas on what to do next. Is your divorce final? final I actually just got my name back today okay and that's both freeing and devastating isn't it it's scary yeah

and when you said you got almost everything in the divorce do you have economic stability or you got to go to work on Monday oh no I'm fine okay almost everything in the divorce, do you, are you have economic stability or you got to go to work on Monday? Oh no, I'm fine. Okay. A couple of things I want you to do ASAP.

Number one, do you have a girlfriend or two or three that you can call and tell everything to? Um, I made a deal with him that I would not. Yeah, that deal's out the window. Bye, Felicia. Gone. Okay.

That deal will kill you, Stacey. Yeah. Because what that deal is, is him destroying your life and you laying on top of the burning shrapnel of the bomb he threw. I'm not saying go run him in the dirt publicly or make Facebook forums. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about you need some people in your life that you can say everything's over and I got to build from scratch.

Huh? Okay. Do you have two or three women you trust that you can sit down with yeah is this quote-unquote deal you made is it legally binding is that a part of your decree no good it's not your job to carry him and anymore okay that's what i feel like i'm carrying his burden that's not your job. The second thing I want you to do after you get a group of women,

here's the deal. I want you to text them and I want you to meet them for coffee. I want you to say, I want to meet y'all for coffee and I want you to tell them out loud, I've selected you two or three women to walk with me through hell.

Are y'all in? Okay. I'm coming out of divorce. Nobody knows the truth of what I just found, what I just went through, what my kids are going through. And I need a group of women that I can text at 2 a.m. I need a group of women I can text at noon.

And you'll text me back when you can and just say, I love you. Or just say, I'll be over with burritos later. Yeah. Okay. When you do that, your body will exhale a little bit because it knows it's not carrying this whole thing by itself. Okay?

I love you enough to tell you you cannot carry all this by yourself. It's too big. Yeah. Okay? Yeah. Second thing I want you to do is I want you to get a journal of some sort. Okay. You can go to Walmart for nine bucks.

If you've got the money, get a nice one for 50 bucks with a leather bounding on it. And I want you to write in it because your kids are going to read this after you pass away. I want you to write in it when you feel like I quote unquote

should do something. I shouldn't say this. I should go do this. I need to do this. I have to do this. I want you to write those things down and I want you to draw an arrow across that page and say his burden or my burden. Okay. Yeah. I need to make sure that they, nope, that's his job. His job is to explain to your kids why he chose to cheat on his mom On their mom not his mom on their mom for 21 years

Why he chose to have sex parties in y'all's family home while they were gone while y'all were gone that's his job That is not your job Okay When he says I don't have any money your mom took everything It is his job to tell your kids the truth. It's his job to go get a job, to rebuild a career at 45 years old or whatever he's got to do. That's his job, not yours.

It's his job to go get psychological care or medical care or whatever he needs. Your job is to make sure you're financially and fiscally safe and sound and to make sure your kids know they are loved and they can always come home. It might mean you sell the house. Cause I don't want to be in that house anymore. I sold it. Good for you.

But I'm, I moved to our vacation home. Yeah, that's probably dumb. How far away is that? It's 16 hours south of where I live. Good God almighty. I've got friends here too.

Okay. All right. All right. As long as you got a community. I was going to tell you, don't make any decisions for the next six months or a year, but that's cool. I had to get out of that house. I know that.

I know that. I know that. But I'm glad you sold it. I'm glad it's gone. Here is a thing you probably don't want to hear, but hopefully you've already done it, but maybe'm glad you sold it. I'm glad it's gone. Um, here's a thing you probably don't want to hear, but hopefully you've already done it, but maybe you haven't. You need to go get a full battery of blood tests, including all the STI tests. Don't avoid that any longer. Okay.

Have you already done that? I've done that. I'm clear. You're clear. You're good. Yeah. Ah, fantastic. That was, that was scary. Yeah. I know. I know waiting for that test can be, whew. Okay. And sometime soon you're going to need somebody to talk to, to process this. And what you're going to be processing is, yes, the trauma, and yes, the questions about how to answer your kids. All the mechanical stuff is fine. But the big thing you're going to be processing is, how do I trust

me again? Because I've missed something that big for 21 years. What you feel like? You actually had the wool pulled over your eyes for 21 years. You were married to somebody with a deep and profound pathology that hid from you and hid from you and destroyed your life.

It's not yours to carry, but you do have to pick up the ashes now because he's gone. Yeah. When you ask me where do I start, I'm going to tell you

the starting line is reality. That's the next chapter of my book. Are you reading my book? Yeah, I just hit the bridge. I just finished the bridge, about to get reality. Well, you're in it now. Here we go.

And what I'm going to tell you in that chapter is this. Take out a piece of paper and say, what is the actual state of my life? What's my financial state? Who are three or four people? Write their names down and their phone numbers down in a piece of paper that I can call if I need to. What is my, you can't just not have a job. You have to have a purpose. You got to get up and go do something on a regular basis.

What is that thing going to be? And I'm disabled. Of course, right? And I don't say of course. I'm just saying why not add another complex variable to the situation right right so um but maybe your purpose maybe your purpose is moderating an online forum for women who find out that their whole world has been a sham yeah maybe it is working in a disability rights office maybe it's working a local university to help students navigate the 504 ada process right it can be any number of things right and maybe working

for an online university from home on how to help students who need some accommodations and navigating their professors all that cuz there's work to do this purpose in where you find yourself okay and what I want to encourage you is do not sit at home with the shades drawn. That pours gasoline on the freeze part of your life, okay? That pours gas on it. When somebody takes off to run a marathon, nobody says, all right, see you in a few minutes.

They say, I'll see you in a few hours. It's easy when you're in this process that you're in now, no fault of your own, to get frustrated by how slow the progress is. You are running three back-to-back marathons. It's going to be a while before you have peace. That's why doing the next right thing is so important.

The next right thing is calling a friend. The next right thing is seeing a counselor. The next right thing is making sure you have a journal where you're getting all these thoughts and these spinning things out of your body and onto the paper. It's any kind of movement you can do in alignment with your disability. Whatever you got to do. Do the next right thing and the next right thing and I don't care if you feel like it. I don't care if you feel like it. Just keep doing the next right thing.

Because you're going to open your eyes in 18 months. You're going to open your eyes in two years. You're going to open your eyes in a year. You're going to realize you're breathing again. And the sun came out. It's called hope. It's called hope. Stacey, you call me anytime

and I'll walk with you in any situation you find yourself in. Never think you don't have somebody in your corner because I'm here. Call those friends in your local community. Call them today. Thank you so much for your bravery. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing

you might not think about though is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months to do it. You can prayize your prayer experience with Hallow, and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you

can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it,

and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself and sometimes you do this with a group and ha Halo helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet Earth, Halo, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show, get three free months when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, let's go back out to Richmond, Virginia and talk to Sarah with an H. What's up, Sarah? Hey, how's it going?

Partying? What are you up to? Just sitting at home with the cold. That sounds awful. What's up? Yeah, I just reached out because, um, my husband and I have been married for about seven years and he just really struggles with a lot of anger and a lot of, um, anxiety and it just manifests itself into a lot of yelling and screaming.

And we have two young kids. I'm pregnant with our third. And, you know, then on top of that, if he gets mad enough at me, he'll break things. Like he'll break, you know, gifts that I've given him. Or he'll break, he'll like smash food or, you know, things that I've given him or he'll break, uh, he'll like smash food or, you know, things that I've bought for myself, excuse me, or that type of thing. And it's just really hard for me to know how to handle it. And I guess that's my question is how do I, how do I navigate this in a way that's healthy? Because my first instinct when he smashes something that I took a lot of time to pick out for him

or that he even asked for himself that I bought for a birthday present or something like that, my first reaction would be like, well, I'm never going to buy you anything ever again. But I don't want to be vindictive. I don't want to be bitter. So I'm just trying to figure out how I am supposed to respond in a way that's protecting myself and protecting my kids. Yeah. Oh, man.

Sarah, can I just cut to the chase and be super honest on some things? Is that okay? Yeah. I think it's honest. I want to be as honest as I can. This is one of those rare calls that it tightens my upper chest. Yeah. My wife would say she could see across the room,

I see your jaw starting to clench and we need to go. Yeah. Because she knows I'm about to get myself into trouble. Okay. This is one of those moments. And so I want you to know that in the world you live in right now, you will be especially attuned to the sharpness in my voice. And I want you to know this is not directed at you.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. especially attuned to the sharpness in my voice and i want you to know this is not directed at you okay yeah yeah okay and i am also talking in circles a little bit to give my chance myself a chance to breathe okay okay the anger your your husband's anger is not the problem here yeah your husband is a freaking toddler. And he acts like a child. And a child in a man's body can hurt somebody irreparably. Okay? And you're focused on,

well, I'm just not going to make you gifts anymore. I'm focused on the women I've visited in hospitals before who have their faces knocked in. Yeah. Okay. Anxiety and anger don't manifest into smashing things. Toddlers do.

Immature grown men do. It's not a result of what your husband's struggling with. It's a choice he is making in a moment. Yeah. Or it's a choice he is making to not deal with in the moments that he's not anxious and enraged. Okay. I do know of some,

there is some psychological issues where people go quote unquote blind with rage. Fine. But then it's their job to deal with it upstream before they're blinded, right? Yeah. And I'm speaking boldly about this because I was a guy that was so buried with anxiety, I couldn't breathe.

And my impulse was to smash things. And I didn't because I'm an adult. Not because I'm better than anybody, but because I'm a grownup. And I went and sought professional help. Yeah. Right? Whew. So you're not going to like what I'm

telling you to do next, okay? I just need you to know that, that I'm on your team. Okay. And I know there's a financial reality to this. I know there's just a reality to this. But if it's safe, he gets a final powerful,

written in stone with fire, boundary. If you yell in this house again, if you smash something again, if you scream in this house again, I'm leaving with our kids or you're leaving, period. If most of the time people call the show and they water down what's actually going on, they sanitize it a bit.

It's hard to say it out loud. Yeah. And I just have a gut feeling that's what you're having to do right now. And I honor that. So I'm not going to push you on it. But if that conversation can't be had for safety reasons then you go find a safe place to go for you and your two kids and your third one on the way

yeah and then you communicate that in writing or through an attorney but when my toddler when my daughter or my son was a toddler I can't you can't explain things to someone who's acting like a six-year-old because they're six. Yeah. And someone who's an adult body and goes and grabs gifts and smashes them just to go, ha, ha, ha. That's somebody who is being led by their inner child. Yeah. All right.

So I just said a lot of heavy stuff. What do you feel? Do you think I'm right? Am I crazy? You push back on me. No, I think you're right. I've, you know, thankfully, you know, we're already seeing a marriage counselor.

I have seen counselors myself. I've got, you know, mentors and things like that that I've kind of talked through. The situation within everybody pretty much agrees with that, especially some think that I should just go ahead and leave. Others think that, like what you said, if it's a conversation that I can have in a safe way, and I've pretty much already told him that, you know, I've, I've said, if this happens again, you know, I'm leaving and I'm taking the kids with me until you can prove that you are working on yourself and, um,

and seeking the help that you need, because I've tried really long. And I think that's, what's hard is like, we'll have, you know, a good month or a good couple months or a good couple of weeks or things like that. And I, then it just kind of like lulls you into like a false sense of security almost of like, and then just being so busy. Like I've got two small kids. I work full time being pregnant. Like it's just, um,

it's a lot to like to deal with, you know, a hundred percent, a third child that you're having to like parent almost, you know, listen, that's exactly what you're doing. You're parenting a third child,

except this third child has humongous muscles. Yeah. And if a toddler hits you... What's so crazy is he's like, he was a police officer for many years. Like he's seen women who have gone through this, you know, he's seen, but he just like, I don't think that he believes,

like he fully understands that like hitting me is wrong or hitting our kids is wrong but I don't think he because like this is the way that his family has dealt with conflict he comes from a very toxic family and not that that excuses his behavior because he could be different but it's like he just does not see why that's why it's a problem to yell and scream why it's a problem to like as long as he's not hitting me to like take his aggression out on like an inanimate object you know and so sometimes he'll be sorry and then other times he'll be like oh well if you hadn't made me so upset, I wouldn't have. You know what I mean?

That's a freaking coward. Yeah. Blaming you for his childish behavior. Because he always, always has a choice. Always. And you do too. Yeah. You do too i think the challenge here is you are telling him you have to stop doing your thing

because what you're doing is wrong and what he's telling you is i don't think it is and i think that's the wrong way to go about it the more effective way to go to go about it is this. You, being Sarah, say, I will not live in a house where the man in the home smashes things when he gets in a temper tantrum, period. If you want to be married to me, you will not smash things in this home. I won't be in a home where somebody yells at me or my children, period. Yeah. And if you want to disagree with me, your lawyer can talk to mine. So what you're doing is you're not saying you need to do these things because these things are wrong because he's telling you, I don't think they are. What you're saying is I won't be a part of that life. Yeah. Most people, when they get to where you are and they get right up to this boundary line that they're about to draw really firmly in the ground

Have a couple of challenges one is economic. It doesn't sound like that's where you are You could get an apartment and y'all could be okay. Is that fair? Yeah, I have family family in the area By the way, are your family telling you to get the hell out for a long time? Yeah. I mean, I haven't told them that he smashes stuff. You know, they know that I'm kind of his verbal punching bag because they've seen it in some cases. You know, they've told me, you know, if you ever need a break, like you don't have to call, just come. Like, we'll be here.

You know, so they're very supportive. That's them doing a pretty lukewarm job of trying to tell you, um, if you're ready to run, we got you. Yeah. Um, without wanting to try and overstep their bounds. If you were my, if you related to me, I would, I would way overstep my bounds, but I tend to do that all the time. Um, here's the other thing often if economics are okay there's a really powerful identity problem yeah those women can't make it work yeah those women quote unquote break up their family single moms are fill in the blank. Single moms are fill in the blank, fill in the blank, fill in the blank. Yeah. Yeah. And I, you know, I have a very strained relationship with his family. His mom for many years has tried to break our marriage up and, um, she's just a very manipulative person. And so I've been told by her, you know, that we're never going to

last. You're never going to, like, you're never going to make it. You're going to, you know, she's told my husband, like, you better watch what you say around her because she's going to take everything from you and like, take your kids from you. Cause that's what her husband tried to do to her. You know? So I know that there is an element of pride there of like, you know, I don't want to prove this horrible person. Right. You know, that I essentially, and I know this isn't true, but in my mind, it's like, she doesn't get a vote. She doesn't get a vote. I wouldn't let that woman speak one whisper into my mind or my heart.

Yeah. Not as far. I mean, I mean, what that becomes is this, a fear that others are going to judge you as harshly as you're judging yourself right now. Yeah. And I'm going to ask you to stop. You deserve to be safe. You deserve to walk into your own home pregnant with child number three from a day of, of, of full-time work, going home to a place where you can drop everything and laugh and be greeted by a former police officer who gets the hell that is women's lives these days and greet you with a hug and a cup of tea and some laughter. Yeah. Right. Or a funny dance or a joke, or at least picked up your underwear. Not you walk into your home and your body's preparing for war. Yeah. Right.

Yeah. You deserve that. That baby that is just bathing in cortisol and adrenaline right now deserves that. Yeah. Everybody in that house, your two babies deserve that. Yeah. And I want you just to back, just be honest with yourself and look back and say, has anything I've done or said or threatened, has any of that worked? No. Yeah.

So at some point you got to try something new. And if you listen to the show for any length of time, I almost never tell somebody they got to get out. But if your friends are telling you and your family's offering, and I can tell in your voice, you're not telling me everything. It's a lot to tell. I know. I'm not blaming you.

I wouldn't tell some weirdo on a podcast either. But I think you got to get with a friend or two because also it's going to be very emotional. It's going to be heavy. And I'm not just saying emotional because you're a pregnant woman. I'm saying if I was doing this, I'd get emotional about it.

Okay. I would have to have a couple of people in my corner to say, am I making a right move? What's the, um, what's a safe apartment close to schools or what's childcare going to look like? I want to have all those things lined up. Do I have a bank account with my own money in it? Yeah. I get some people that will think it through with you.

And if you think you can have one last conversation that's safe, I'm all about it. I'm all about it. But if you don't, I don't, don't feel compelled to, or it might be, we can have a conversation after I have locked the gates because you're,

you're not listening to my boundaries. Yeah. And I, I think it just feels like he's almost like a different person. Like when this stuff happens, you know, it's not, he's generally like a pretty pleasant person when he's in a good mood and things are going well, but it's just like, he does not know how to handle life just in general, like stress. and that's his job that's his job you cannot solve that for him

yeah that's his adventure well and it's like just what you said about you know a toddler he wouldn't let our toddler behave that way no no no and by the way anger is good anger points us to something that we care about

anger is not a bad thing. It's what we do with it. And he chooses to abuse his wife with it. He chooses to create in little kids a nervous system that will never regulate until they get professional help. That's what he's choosing to do. That's on him. Those's what he's choosing to do. That's on him. Those are choices he's making. So what you have to do is to stop wading into his choices.

You've done that. You've done that for a long time. And you've probably put yourself in some pretty risky, dicey situations. Cool. What you have to do is to begin to solve for safety immediately. I'm going to solve for safety. Solve for safety, solve for safety. And tell him you called me.

I'm happy to talk to him. Give him a path out of the madness that he's in. But I don't think this happens through more talking and more talking and more talking and more talking and more talking i think safety you have to solve for safety now and i want you to ask yourself this has this been slowly and quietly escalating because i always look for trend lines in these situations does someone just have a bad day and smash something and they felt like a moron about it and they're so sorry and they go make it right? Or did it start with slamming hands on a table

and then break a glass and then smash a thing and then purposely find something you made and break it too and then start screaming and cursing it? If you see this thing escalating, the data would tell me you're next. And I don't want you to be next. Reach out to some friends tonight. And let's start making a plan.

You're worth being safe and you're worth being well. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life,

you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, man, today's show was heavy D and the boys, man. Kelly, am I out to lunch here, or is it like, it feels like the last few weeks, the show's either, they don't have a

good wrap-up, like someone just calls and I can't help you. We've had a very exceptionally heavy last few weeks on this show. There's been really, really massive, serious issues that haven't had clear, like, hey, do step A, step B, and step C

and you'll be great. Haven't had a whole lot of that. Hence the reason I said earlier, I really need our time together for this year to be done because we all need a bit of a palate cleanser. We all need a little time apart. So if you're listening to this show

and you're still with us, and you're not sobbing somewhere on a park bench, if you have something good happen to you over the holidays, will you just write in and let us know? We'll do a whole segment on cool crap that happened. CCH. It's the new CCH segment called Cool Crap That Happened.

And we'll read it. We'll read it out loud, and we'll celebrate with you. Not to undermine and minimize the negative stuff going on because it's a wild world out there, man. It's dark. It's scary. It's hard. But also there is joy and light out there. There is good things happening to everybody. And it's important that we look for beauty even in the midst of dealing with just chaos. So if you have some stuff that happens to you over the holidays and you want to write in, I'd love to hear about it.

Or if you're a couple weeks into New Year's and you're keeping your resolutions, changing your tiny habits, I would love to hear about that too. As we wrap up the show, it's from the great and powerful Kelly Clarkson. The song is Since You've Been Gone. It goes like this. Here's the thing. We started out friends. It was cool, but it was all pretend.

Yeah. Since you've been gone, you dedicated, you took the time. Wasn't long until I called you mine. Yeah, since you've been gone. And all you'd ever hear me say is how I pictured me with you. That's all you'd ever hear me say is how I pictured me with you, then that's all you'd ever hear me say.

But since you've been gone, I can breathe for the first time. I'm so moving on. And now I get what I want. Since you've been gone. Kelly Clarkson. The GOAT. The Texas GOAT. She's so amazing.

Love you guys. Take care.