The Dr. John Delony Show - I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)

Episode Date: December 16, 2024

🇺🇸 Watch United States of Anxiety Exclusively on the Free Ramsey Network App! On today’s episode, we hear about: ·      A young man deciding if he should stop smoking weed and drinking for good ·      A woman struggling after her sister revealed she had an abortion ·      A couple uncomfortable with seeing an abusive family member during the holidays Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors:  🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🌿 Get up to 40% off at Cozy Earth with code DELONY. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🥤 20% off at Organifi with code DELONY. ·      🏔️ Head to Poncho Outdoors to check out all their styles!   Listen to More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights  🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy

The last day of eighth grade and I was hanging around some people and they were like, we're all going to the park. We're going to go, we're going to smoke off some weed vapes. Well, they didn't mention the weed vapes at first. And I mean, they busted one out and I hit it a lot. I hit it like 80 times. How many? 80.

I was, I was gone. Are you still high? Yeah, I was going was are you still high? Yeah, I was gonna say What in the world is going on what's going on this is John with dr. John Delaney show Talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships. What's up? I hope you are doing alright Hope you're doing alright. You want to be on this show sit with hurting people trying to figure out What's the next right move Give me a buzz at 1 8 4 4 6 9 3 32 91. It's 1 8 4 4 6 9 3 3 2 9 1 let's what? We have started the last few shows talking about how we won't know we won't know and I think we at least have to acknowledge

That we know We won't know, we won't know, and I think we at least have to acknowledge that we know. Kelly's quitting. No, she's not. But we've spent the last few shows, so now these are coming out in December, but we've said we're recording these, like we recorded yesterday on Election Day, and today's the day after Election Day, and we've spent a lot of time talking about how we don't think we'll know we won't know till January or February So we probably don't know I just want to say for future people we know we know we know We and there's feelings there's lots of feeling lots of feelings some good feelings some not so great feelings. That's right

Yes, so it's the day after the election and I was up late and I got up this morning You know, it's very important to be talking about this for a second. So either you're probably in one of two camps, that's probably not fair, you're probably in multiple camps, but the vast majority are either today was a great day, right? Today was the day. For years it's been like, oh man if I could, if I could, okay well here you go. You got the presidency, you got the Supreme Court, you got the house, you got the Senate. You said you could fix the world, go fix it, right?

So there's that, and then it's like, yeah! And then there's the other side that thinks that like the apocalypse is on us. And so these are seasons when I am super intentional about being pretty quiet and trying to be as, I don't know how to say this, like in a not weird way, but like make my footsteps as light as possible quiet and trying to be as, I don't know how to say this, like in a not weird way, but like make my footsteps as light as possible and be really humble with people.

Cause I don't know where people are and just want to make sure people are doing well and doing okay. And I had this thing this morning where I got up and I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, but you're not talking about it. I made sure I made my bed and I know it's like, like that sounds like I want to make sure I start the day with that. And I make my bed every morning. No questions asked. So I get that. Well, I mean, it's usually me or my wife running out the door. It was a, I'm going to do something.

I'm going to start the day with this one and I went and made coffee and it was straight and did leg workout. Which I'm impressed because I, you know because I too get up at five to work out and this morning didn't, I was like, this is my day off, which means I have to work out on Sunday and I normally don't. So I have to. I want to start today with this one premise.

If you think that the world is now, like the sun came out, right? Your marriage is still the same as it was yesterday. And your relationship with your kids is exactly as it was yesterday. And if you with your kids is exactly as it was yesterday. And if you think that like, this is the end of time, the beginning of the end of time, the only thing you can do anything about

is the next right thing. And I tried to not just run my mouth on the show, I tried to live it. And so I woke up today and no one's gonna know where I fall on any of this stuff. In fact, my daughter was like, dad, but who are you voting for? And I was like, I don't tell anybody. And Hank, my daughter was like, dad, but who are you voting for? And I was like, I don't tell anybody.

And Hank, my son was like, he's not gonna tell you. And she was sweating me. So I try to keep it as tight as I can to the vest and argue everybody on both sides all the time. But it was waking up and like, all right, the only thing I can do anything about today is I can do the next right thing. And I just, I don't know, it's a good reminder for me.

It's a good reminder. And then we spent some time. I think this show will come out after the interview with Carlos Whitaker. And I don't know when this is coming out, but we spent some time with- Yeah, this comes out before. With the four interviewed Carlos Whitaker

and it may have been the most timely message I needed in a long, long time. And so anyway, I don in a long, long time. And so, anyway. I don't know. We're here. Yeah, and like we were talking about before the show started, regardless of which side you fall on, if you're in a great mood or in, you know, I don't necessarily have to say which mood I'm in, but when I woke up this morning, literally my life hasn't changed. Last night to tonight.

Yeah. It won't for the most part. It doesn't affect very much in my house. My husband and I, you know, prices may go up or down, but we- You uncovered your American flag tattoo. I would never cover my American flag. If I had one, I would never cover it. Well, it's smaller than your Dallas Cowboys tattoo.

That's a tattoo of shame right now, but we won't talk about that. I don't have that either, but wow. But also, you know, because I'm a believer, I have a bigger belief than who's in the White House. So I know I'm okay. So however it turns out, I'm okay. Yeah. I voted, I made my voice heard.

There's one thing that we can always count on is that Kelly's voice boys will be heard I'm not a wallflower. We'll put it that way. Let's go out to Texas my old stomping ground and talk to Harold. What's up Harold? What's up, John? How we doing brother? I'm doing good. I'm doing good. You know day number two of it day number two day number two of what? I'm doing good. You know, day number two of it. Day number two. Oh, day number two of what? Well, sobriety for marijuana and alcohol. Well, congratulations. Did you choose this life or this life choose you? It has chosen me. Oh no, what happened?

What happened? So a couple months back I had got pulled over with a weed pen, like one of those like weed vapes and they're considered felonies in Texas. Yeah. But they have to test it. Texas is like, hey, you can't tell us what to do except you can't smoke weed. Yeah, except that. And so they took it and they had it for a couple months and then just like Thursday

they showed up with a warrant and arrested me. And so I'm out on bond now and I have to report for drug testing randomly so in the old days we called that uh busted yeah so are you high right now no no man I'm just tired. I was watching the election last night. That's fair. All right, so how old are you?

I'm 19. 19. All right, so how can I help, brother? Well honestly, my question is, in Texas we have what's called the Compassionate Use Program. Don't do it. Don't. Don't. Don't.

Don't. Don't do that. I know, I've been in Texas my whole life. No. I mean, okay, what does weed give you? Mostly just a de-stressor, something to do when I'm bored. Okay. How long have you been smoking? Since I was 14.

Okay, why'd you start smoking when you were 14? I don't even know, honestly. I just kind of did. Someone offered me and I didn't even think about it. Tell me about dad. So it was the last day of eighth grade and I was hanging around some people and they were like, we're all going to the park. We're going to go, we're going to smoke off some weed vapes. Do you want to come? Well, they didn't mention the weed vapes at first, then they were like do you want to come out there with us?

Then I mean blast day of eighth grade. Sure. Why not? And I mean they busted one out and I hit it a lot I hit it like eight times Sorry eight or eighty eighty I was I was you still high. Yeah, I was gonna say 80 huh? Dang. Okay, and you liked it felt good Yeah, yeah, definitely. All right. So tell me about your dad What specifically I don't remember just tell me about him He's a good guy. So he's not technically my dad isn't my biological father, that's his brother,

but he took a hold of my life when I was really young. He doesn't smoke really, he used to, he drinks a little bit here and there. He's just a real compassionate guy, to help you answer any time of the day, any time you need him. Where's your bio, Dad? He's dead.

What happened? He overdosed on heroin when I was really young. He was out in Baltimore, Maryland. God dude, I'm so sorry, man. Hey, I didn't know the guy. Yeah, do you have any memories of him or no? No, I didn't even find out about it, about him being my real father until I was like 15, 16. No kidding. So you didn't know that your current dad was not your biological dad? Yeah, I found that out.

Like that definitely also accelerated the weed smoking a little bit. Well, I'm going to say, yeah. So what, tell me about your mom. I don't, she's real big into the pot. She's a hippie character, been running around forever. Just, I don't really talk to her too much because they split up when I was really young and I moved back down.

I lived in Arkansas with her for a couple of years and then moved back down to Texas with my dad about 13. Exhale for me. Can I just, can I speak straight to you? Yeah. Boys aren't supposed to grow up without their mom. Oh. Okay.

Okay. It's not supposed to be like that. And your mom's got her own story so I'm not gonna throw shade at her I'm telling you right now just just grown-up Texan to grown-up Texan boys aren't supposed to grow up with other moms yeah and listen dads aren't supposed to OD on heroin either? Definitely not. Okay. Here's what you got in front of you. You have the deep internalized understanding that you are half your mom and half your dad. So you can go get a compassionate use authorization and you see the path before you. I think I do. I think I do. No, no, no, no. I think I see what you're saying. You don't think. You know. I want you to put your hand on your chest right now. Feel it.

Okay. You haven't felt anything since you were 14 years old. Not much. I want you to feel this because this sucks. You are half mom and you are half dad and you have the path laid out in front of you. Or you can do the hardest damn thing you've ever experienced in your life. You can get a machete, you can go carve yourself a new path so that you're not your kids, but your grandkids will have peace that you may never fully grasp because their granddad Harold decided this stops with me. Yeah, I feel that. I really, I think I feel what you're saying. I would look back and say that maybe the greatest glimpse of grace from God was this moment when you got pulled over.

Because Harold, without that, you have a kid that you let go, that never knows their dad, because either you die, or you decide to stay in the woods and smoke and let somebody else raise you. And I think that's what I really wanna do. Like at the end of the day,

I don't wanna follow down the same path as my biological parents. Okay, but you have to make a choice and the choice is not going to be to not do drugs. That's the easy thing. The choice is to stop going around the insane amount of pain you have inside your chest and you got to get with a professional and walk right the hell through it. I know that's what I needed to hear, but I don't think I wanted to hear it. I know.

I wouldn't wish the next two years that you're going to experience on anybody. Because there's going to come a moment when you're sobbing so hard that there's snot coming out of your face, out of your eyes, out of your nose, because your mom chose weed over her son. And there's gonna come moments when you're crying so hard you can't breathe and your chest won't work right because your dad died.

And you haven't faced that demon yet. Yeah. And it's just dude. I've been fucked up for about 14. Yeah. You've been doing it before 14. 14 is when somebody offered you something that made it go away. 80 hits the first time out is not normal. I've been around weed my entire life. 80 hits is not normal. That's a dude who felt it and it felt good. And it went, oh, this makes it all stop.

That's actually, that's the thing. I've been doing it for about 14. I've been doing it for about 14. I've been doing it for about 14. I've been doing it for about 14. I've been doing it for about 14. I've been doing it for about 14. I've been doing it for about 14.

I've been doing it for about 14. I've been doing it for about 14. I've been doing it for about 14. I've been doing it for about 14. I've been doing it for about 14. I've been doing it for about 14. I've been doing it for about 14. I've been doing it for about 14. I've been doing it for about 14. I've been doing it for about 14. 80 hits is not normal. That's a dude who felt it and it felt good and it went, oh, this makes it all stop. That's actually, wow, that's basically what I said at the time is just made it stop. It makes it stop.

And then for the last seven years, you have not pursued girls, you haven't pursued grades, you haven't pursued work, you've pursued not hurting. Yeah. Even when I have pursued some of those things, it was like in the vein of not hurting. Yeah. Even when I have pursued some of those things, it was like in the vein of not hurting. That's exactly right. That's exactly right. And by the way, dude, I pursued not hurting too.

I just didn't use drugs. I never did drugs. I pursued it by trying to say, look at my shiny certificate. Do y'all see me? And I've got other friends who pursued it with their career. Look how much money I'm making. I've got other friends who pursued it with,

look how many girls I've slept with. And what you're gonna find is everybody in your sphere is running from something. And I'll tell you what, I sure as hell didn't run from anywhere near the pain you've got sitting inside your chest. Not even close. But here's where I've got a lot of hope for you, dude.

At 19 years old, after 48 hours, you ask the question, is this what I wanna keep doing? Yeah. You tell me. Yeah, I do. I think it's what I want to keep doing. Yeah, I know. I know it's what I want to keep doing. And thank you. Thank you. Seriously. That's why I called because I've watched a little bit of your show and I just, sometimes I feel like you just need to hear it. You do. But listen brother, I can't do it for you. It's probably going to cost you your friends.

Yeah. And it's going to cost you the places you go on Friday and Saturday. So you know what that means? It's going to cost you even the more terrifying feeling of not only did mom leave, not only did dad leave. Now I got nobody. And that means your work is not going to be not smoking weed as much as it's going to be finding a new gang.

And then you're going to feel hollow and you're going to have to do really hard work to find a purpose. Why am I here? What am I doing? And by the way, your purpose can be making sure people's front end alignments are perfect because they're scared moms who drive cars with three kids in them and they're going to come into your shop because you're an awesome mechanic and you're gonna be the best friend in alignment, you're gonna treat people with dignity

or you can go to grad school and become a doctor. I don't care what job you do, but you have to find and extract purpose from whatever it is you're doing. And your purpose has to be in service of others, not in service of trying to not hurt. You get the difference? Yeah.

And that's the thing, I like helping people. And so what do you do right now? What's your work? I just recently, about a month ago, I started at a roofing, I do door-to-door sales for a roofing company. Okay. So you can be a door-to-door salesman

selling roofs to people, especially in Texas, where it hails every week and they have to replace their roofs every month. And you can be one of those scammers, a fly by nider who sells people crap they don't need. And you're going to bounce around from roofing job to roofing job and move for 50 cents on an hour or another point on commission. Or you can be the kind of roofer that says, Hey, you know, you're fine.

You know, I'm not going to take your money. You're good. And people can try to sell you stuff. Your house is good. Or ma'am, I can sell you this top line roof or I know you're struggling right now financially. I can get you in for this one. And you can provide a literal roof over people's heads. I can think of very few things that are that noble.

Do you get what I'm saying? Wow. Yeah, yeah, I do. I do. I really do. You can go today. When we get off this phone call, you can go today, go down to a local clinic, tell them 30 seconds of what you've just told me about your childhood and they will write you an exemption card right now. Or you can go to an AAA meeting tonight in your local community and say, I'm done. Yeah, I think, yeah, I'm gonna go. They hold meetings in my town on Tuesdays and I'm gonna go.

Will you go? Yeah, I'm gonna go like the next one that they host. They find that if you look around, there's more than just one. I'll look around. I'll look around. The soonest one that I can find. Okay. If I hook you up with some three months with a better help, the therapist, would you call

them today? Okay. Yes, I would. Okay. And they'll set you up in the next 24, 48 hours and you can have a conversation with the licensed therapist on FaceTime, on Zoom. Thank you. Would that be cool?

Yes. I need it. I know. I know. So here's my promise to you. As you walk through this, I've got friends in the nutrition space and in the exercise space and in the finance space. Anything I've got that you need, you can have for free if you'll keep calling me and you'll

stay on the path. Okay. Okay. You in? I'm in. I think you getting pulled over may have been the greatest moment of your life other than when your dad's brother came in and said, I'm going to raise you as like you're my son. You're right. When's the last time you looked at that man and like truly put your like looked at him in his eyes and said thank you?

Probably been a year or two. Will you do something crazy for me? Yeah. Almost all of AA starts in these same little in these same paths One of the cornerstones is gratitude being grateful I want you to uh make a call to better help and i'm gonna hook you up today I want you to write a letter to your dad tonight And not just a perfunctory like oh thanks I want you to write your dad.

Yeah. I think you let her. Cause your dad was sick for a long time, right? Yes, he was. He had some demons. Um, mostly physical stuff. Okay. So your dad's brother has watched his, his brother hurt for a long time.

Right. Yeah. And then lost him. So your dad's brother has watched his brother hurt for a long time, right? Yeah. And then lost him. Then he got you. He had to pull the plug on me. Did he really? Yeah. Yeah, he was in a coma. Yeah.

So I want you to write him a heartfelt letter and if you're a gangster, I want you to read it to him. Okay. Okay. I'm going to do that. That's what I'm'm gonna do. And I want you to tell him that his raising you for 18 years was not in vain. It was you're gonna bring peace to your dad's to your dad's heart and you're gonna do it generationally. Cool? Yeah, because I think that's all he's ever wanted was to build something different than what he had going on in Baltimore. That's right.

So you're going to take the baton, you're going to dust it off, you're going to pick it up off the ground, and you're going to carry it. For everybody listening, the path isn't perfection. Harold's going to have good days and bad days. He's going to mess up, He's going to fall off. And he's going to have surrounded himself with people who care about him and a team of professionals. And they're going to be able to lift him up and help him out.

I'm a founding member and I'm the only member of the get off the internet and go outside club. And yet I, like all of you, find myself at work and in my personal life basically living on the internets these days. As a society, we're creating more and more online accounts all the time. We're signing up for promos, we're giving away our emails and personal numbers, and buying everything with our phones and our laptops. I get hundreds of emails to my personal account, my business account, and every business wants

to survey me and become my friend, and everyone everywhere is trying to sell me all kinds of stuff. Drives me nuts. And with all of our online activity, do we really know where our data is and who has it? Chances are high that data broker websites have your information and they're selling it to scammers, spammers, and other shady people. But when you use Delete Me,

they find and remove your data from hundreds of sites, and they send reports to you throughout the year to show you exactly what they removed and from where. And now I'm getting way fewer of those spammy text and phone calls, which allowed me to let my guard down a little and feel some peace. This holiday season, share the peace by giving a Delete Me subscription to someone you love

and care about. Individual Delete Me plans start as low as $9 a month. Go to joindeleteeme.com slash deloney today for 20% off. That's join, J-O-I-N, deleteme.com slash deloney. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, it's that time of year when it's getting a little colder, it's getting dark earlier, and sometimes we just wanna stay in and get cozy.

For me, my perfect night at home is something we call bed pile. It's so cozy. When my whole family gets under some blankets, we get around the fire, and we either read some books out loud or we watch a movie together. Whatever your perfect night in looks like, therapy can feel a bit like that. A time when

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Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. Let's go to Bakersfield, California and talk to Abby. What's up, Abby? Okay. So with Christmas approaching, I'm not quite sure how to approach my mom with setting specific boundaries regarding family members coming to certain Christmas events. Tell me about it. There, these specific family members that I, my husband and I are both in

agreement. We do not want to be around them. They make us uncomfortable. They have physically abused one of my younger cousins. It's disgusting. It's heartbreaking. Sexual abuse? Yes. Yeah. When she was six, seven years old. And what complicates it a little bit more is that my cousins who abused my other cousin, they were children at the time as well. They were older children. They were 13, 14, 15. There was four of them. And yeah.

Sorry. How old are they now? Same age as me, like 22, 23, early 20s. Were they prosecuted? I don't know what to even harder. I don't know any of the details. I just found out last year right before Christmas actually. And I've been dreading it all year. Thinking about it because last year I conveniently was out of town and didn't have to see them

or see any of my other family. And my mom actually found out maybe two years before that. I wouldn't even know what the legal proceedings would be or look like. I mean, I don't know. So do you have kids? No, not right now. Okay Um, it doesn't it doesn't it it's it's an accelerant or it's an extra layer. It's not it's not the foundation. Um So do me a favor Yeah, I want you to uh, are you what are you doing right now?

I'm standing in a kitchen. Okay, perfect. All right. So I want you to not lean over anything. I want you to stand as straight as you can. Okay. All right, and your shoulders, I want you to drop them, pull them down. Mm-hmm. And then I want you to pull them back just about an inch. Okay. And I want you to pull your back just about an inch. Okay. And I want you to pull your head up a little bit, almost like you're trying to like, almost like making fun of like a high school football

or how they take pictures. They kind of throw their head up a little bit. That's your new posture right now. Okay. We're not putting our head down. We're not going, I don't know how, we're standing as tall as possible with our shoulders thrown back and our head down. We're not going, I don't know how, we're standing as tall as possible with our shoulders thrown back and our head up.

And we're going to look at any adult in front of us and say, I'm not going to be around former child molesters. I'm not. So y'all have a great time. Yeah. And I want you to adopt that posture because right now you're tiptoeing around and I don't know how to do this and it's going to be uncomfortable. I want you to accept a posture of strength in this moment, not one of I'm afraid I'm

going to say and do the wrong thing. When everyone around you is acting crazy, it's easy if you're a person of character to think you're crazy too. Or to feel like you're the crazy one. And so I want you to hear me say you are not the crazy one here. Okay. That was just, I mean,

I mean you're talking four or five or six years ago. Yeah. This isn't that long ago. And if there wasn't a big, I don't say public, I don't mean public, but I mean a disgust reckoning inside this family unit, inside this home. Yeah, not only do I not wanna be around them,

and I've got a lot of grace for kids. 14 and 15 year olds can do some disturbing things in their 14 and 15. And if you haven't worked with young people, they're still young people, right? I've got way more concern with the lack of accountability and integrity of the adults in this situation. I'm not going to build my Christmas legacy with those folks. Yeah. It was hidden from everybody except the parents

of the people that were involved. And I think the grandparents and the parents, it's hard because I do work with children and Both of my parents are teachers and the parents of everybody that was involved are also teachers so I know they're mandated reporters and I know that those guidelines weren't followed and I don't know like I don't know why anybody's not doing anything and I feel like it's all fallen into my lap and why anybody's not doing anything. And I feel like it's all fallen into my lap.

And it's also four or five years old. And like, what are the statues? I don't know. If that all makes sense. You know, oh, it totally does. And anytime I get lost in these moments, what do I do and how long has it been? What time is it?

There was a six and now a 10 or 11 year old little girl. I'm going to act for her. Because here's the thing, if they kept that quiet, who knows what else they've kept quiet. Exactly. Yeah. And I'm not going to sleep like that. And so if I'm in your situation, I would probably send an email out to everybody's or to your parents and say, Mom, Dad, I've

thought this through and I can't be quiet about this. I'm going to give everybody seven days. And if there's a public, if there's no report made of this, I work with kids, I'm a mandatory reporter. I'm going to do what I'm supposed to do. Yeah. Yeah. And period. And it might cost you the next 10 Christmases.

Fine. It won't be, it won't be you that did the wrong thing. Yeah. See what I'm saying? You'll have to live with some of the consequences because you've got a picture of this great family that all the things and all the memories and yada, they will have made choices that led up to this moment. And here's the sucky thing.

A day of reckoning will come. It's still out there. Yeah. Because that six year old at some point goes, why didn't anybody protect me? Why didn't anybody do or say anything? Why am I still a 10 or 11 or 12 year old little girl at this Christmas party with those same guys? Well, she does live in a different state, so thank God she does not have to see them or be around them. But I, yeah.

But you get what I'm saying? Yeah, I do. I do. Yeah. All right. I hate that this fell on you. How old are you? I'm 24.

How long have you been married? Three years. Three years. Your husband's fully got your back? How long have you been married? Three years. Three years. Mm-hmm. And your husband's fully got your back? Oh, yeah. No, he was livid. My husband is not an angry man.

I've never seen him angry. I've never seen him yell. I have never seen him this mad before. I was shocked. Yeah. I married a good man though. Good. Good. And he married a good woman. It's hard. Here's my visceral response. I got an eight year old little girl.

And the thought of her having to carry the weight of a family secret because none of the adults had the courage to say anything, I was shocked. I was shocked. I was shocked. I was shocked. I was shocked. I was shocked. I was shocked.

I was shocked. I was shocked. I was shocked. I was shocked. I was shocked. I was shocked. I was shocked. I was shocked.

I was shocked. I was shocked. I was shocked. I was shocked. I was shocked. I was shocked. And the thought of her having to carry the weight of a family secret because none of the adults had the courage to say anything makes it like I'm having trouble catching my breath right now. So forget the adults, forget the perpetrators, whatever. They were 14 and 15. They were still kids right and I I I have some compassion for Children who perpetrate on children

But we're gonna think about that little girl right now who is still very very young right yeah, yeah Yep And maybe mom and dad tell you some more of the story, but I think it's important for you to say, hey, I'm not sitting on this anymore. Yeah. And hopefully, here's the thing, here's what I hope. I hope that maybe your parents gain a new level of respect for you and it's indicting to them in a good way. It might's indicting to them in a good way.

It might be indicting to them in a tough way. We should never have told you we can't keep secrets, fill me secrets with you. You're right. I don't keep those kinds of secrets. And how dare you put that on me? And I've sat on it and sat on it and sat on it and I'm not doing it anymore. And it might be that you and your husband go on a trip for Christmas this year. Y'all start making your own Christmas plans.

You invite some of your students' families over, I don't know. Y'all have a rando Christmas just like the Delaunees have a rando Easter. Y'all do something, but it's gonna look different for you this year. I'm sorry. But I would give everybody a warning. In seven days I'm making a report. Hopefully I'll do the right thing. Christmas time is here. Parties, buying things, being said

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Three months for free. Hallow.com slash Deloni. All right, let's go out to Hawaii and talk to Paige. What's up Paige? So I was having a discussion with my sister about politics. Now, you know, I live here in Hawaii and she lives on the East coast. I know it shows I was dumb. It was really, it's all good.

It's all bad move. Okay. But so our relationship has been over the phone primarily for the past 15 years. Oh, wow. And yeah, so we don't see each other in person. We talked, we were talking about every two two two or three times a week, okay? So calling each other all the time so, of course we start talking about politics and

The topic of abortion came up and I am very pro-life and she is not So I made I made kind of the remark that I think abortion is murder. And she said, well, I guess I'm a murderer then. And that was the end of the conversation. We haven't spoken in almost three weeks now. And so I don't know how to call, like she hasn't called me. I haven't called her. I don't know how to even, like she hasn't called me, I haven't called her. I don't know how to even call her.

I don't even know what I would say. Like I don't know where, do I ignore it? Do I address it? I had no idea about this. I probably wouldn't have. So you're assuming from her comment that she has had an abortion? Yes.

What makes you think from that comment? that she has had an abortion? Yes. What makes you think from that comment? Well, if I think abortion is murder, and then she said that she would be a murderer, then I... I think that's a leap. I guess I just, yeah. Yeah, it could be. It could be, and it also could very much be like, well then you're, I guess, like intellectually,

right? I guess I hadn't thought about it that way. Yeah. And I, all I have to say is either way that, hold on one second, am I missing something? Do you think I'm crazy? Yeah, we all think that, all we all believe the same thing that Paige did that that's what she meant. Oh, okay. So I like working at a university for 20 years. I'm this is my every day of my life was these big philosophical debates and like guess I'm just evil that and so I just took it as that's just that's the world I lived in was everything was ideas and trafficking ideas and

Everything was all my friends. We're always sparring all the time 24 7 365 So I took that very much intellectually I guess I'm a murderer then like if you if you believe that abortions murder and I believe it's not I guess I'm a murderer then Everyone in the booth like looking at me. you can't see them, they all are on your side. They're like, no, she just admitted to you that she had an abortion and she feels completely isolated all by herself. So here's what's really important.

It doesn't matter what I think or anyone in the boardroom thinks. That's your sister and you love her and your sister is hurting and I would reach out and call my sister. Yeah, I mean, I feel like she weaponized it though. Like she just threw it out there and shut down. Yeah, but hold on. She feels like you just weaponized one of the most painful experiences of her life. True. True.

Yeah. I am. Yeah. And maybe one of the scaredest, alone times of her life. And she's always wondered if her sister would be by her side during this time, during the season, during these memories or however long or however Whatever how old it might be 20 years old. It might be two weeks old. Who knows? um, and

But she hasn't talked to you about it and that's allowed her to keep a fantasy going that y'all are on the same team That you would never leave her side And now you called her a murderer Yeah, so she feels the exact same way. And that's why people are always asking me my takes on issues and sides and outside of very few things, I don't give them because I'm way more interested in sitting with hurting people. And that's why I and by the way, I have done what you have done more times

in my life than I can count, which is to be very vocal to a person about an issue, not thinking through that the issue has a very personal end sometimes. And I can think really, really passionately about an issue and still love you, right? And that's why I flipped the conversation. Now I only talk about issues after I've connected with the person. You get what I'm saying? And you have to ask yourself, can I be friends or sisters?

Can I be in communication with someone who's had an abortion? If you feel strongly that you cannot, then so be it. If you feel like I don't care what my sister's done, she's my sister and I'll go to the ends of the earth to make sure she feels safe and loved, then I'm getting on the phone Right after you and I get on the phone

And you can tell her hey, I haven't slept. I haven't been whatever I was talking politics and talking issues And my sister's hurting and I'm sorry Yeah, and I'd start there Okay You go I'm saying oh Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, she doesn't have to tell me any of the details. I don't need to know, but I just want her to know that I'm on, you know, I'm still

her sister. Like she's still my sister. Yeah, yeah. What I'm telling you is there may be intellectual differences. There may be vehemient, passionate disagreements. But if you believe that, I think your sister needs to hear, there's not a thing you can do and a place you can go that I won't love you and you're not gonna be my sister.

And if you ever wanna share your story, I've made it a not a place where it's very hospitable place for you to tell your story, if you ever wanna hear it, I'll hear it, I'll listen. And you might get another side share your story, I've made it a not a place where it's very hospitable place for you to tell your story. If you ever want to hear it, I'll hear it, I'll listen. And you might get another side of that issue, right? You might get another side of the conversation. It might not change your mind, but it might bring compassion into it.

Yeah. That make sense? Yeah, absolutely. What are you scared of? Like knowing it's somebody you talk to all the time, it surprises me you haven't called her. I know, I know. So my position kind of comes from, I had a friend growing up and her parents made her have an abortion. And she said, you know, we were crying together and she said, my parents made me kill my baby.

And so that's, I have a lot of, I was like 14, she was 16. And I have, so it brings up that story for me and that emotion. And so I just, I don't, I didn't want to go there. Like I don't want to revisit that feeling. Gotcha. And I think your sister may have wished once that you would sit with her like you sat with your friend. Yeah.

I didn't even know. Right. That's exactly right. you sat with your friend. Yeah. I didn't even know. Right. That's exactly right. That's so frustrating too. Yeah. Like it's also frustrating to be like, why didn't you tell me? Like I talked to you all the time.

Why didn't you tell me? But I think it's, I think it could be one of two things. It could be that she was, didn't, it wasn't, it was her story to tell and she didn't feel it was the right time. And also, you have to look in the mirror and say, have I been a hospitable place that she always knows that no matter what, she can come talk to me.

And that's on me. Is that 100% guaranteed the truth? Maybe not. Maybe not. Maybe she's like, no, I'm just a jerk. I like keep that private and I just threw it a grenade at you. And you might talk to her and she's like, no, I made the total jerk. I like keep that private. And I just threw it a grenade at you. And you might talk to her and she's like,

no, I made the total right decision. I don't have any problem with it. Maybe that's it. Maybe she's just trying to rub it in your face. But let that story emerge. Don't make that story up about her and then hold her accountable for it. And to everybody out there,

this isn't just you, to everybody out there, this isn't just you, to everybody out there, there may be an issue or a thing that's like, I'm cutting you off, but I cannot tell you, I can't even, I can't count the number of conversations, particularly with parents I've had over the years, who because of a particular issue or a thought or this or whatever,

have come to me when their kids are graduating college or at the end of their college term and said the words, I would do anything to have that conversation back. I would do anything to have those three years of silence back. I was too, as the great Dr. Phil said, you want to be right or you want to have a relationship? Is that fair?

Yeah. Will you do me a huge favor? Will you let me know how the call goes? Yeah, I will. And do me one other favor. If she doesn't answer what she probably won't, don't shoot a text message, send a voice message.

Okay. And actually send this text message, listen when you're ready and let her hear your voice. And say what you need to say. That's a good one. Is that fair? Yeah. All right. Hey, by the way, she's lucky to have you as a sister. Oh, thanks.

I wish you hadn't said that. I wish you hadn't said it like that. Actually, I don't. I'm lucky to have her as a sister. There you go. And I don't think you saying what you think politically is a bad thing and you taking a stand on a principled issue think politically is a bad thing and you taking a stand on a principled issue for you is a bad thing, it's not.

I think the only error here is when she hung up on you, you didn't pick the phone back up and call her right back and go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm not losing my sister over an issue, I'm sorry. Yeah. Or I turned a deep pain in your life into a political issue, Am I doing that? What's up, what's up?

Hey, Dr. John Delaney here. I am stoked to be coming to you live with my friend Dave Ramsey on the Money in Relationships Tour. You, the audience, are gonna get to vote right from your seat live and tell Dave and I what you want us to talk about. You can pick from topics that impact your life the most

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So grab your tickets today at ramsysolutions.com slash tour. That's ramsysolutions.com slash tour. All right, we are back. Hey, listen, I'm excited to share the episodes of the Dr. John Delaney show. The show that we spent months trying to figure out the right name. We just call it the John Delaney show. Is now available a week early in the Ramsey Network app.

If you're tired of waiting that extra week, you can watch and listen. You can watch full episodes and you can listen in the Ramsey Network app. You can download it anywhere you get apps. Google Play Store thing, the Apple app. If you go out in the woods and like put both hands on a tree and just like call the spirits, I don't know how you get the Ramsey. You can just get it anywhere you get apps.

You can get it. And you can, let's see here. Oh, you can hear what calls I'm taking next early and free by clicking the link in the show notes Go check it out and the 50 days of Christmas deals Go right now where they go to Ramsey solutions comm slash store St o re you can get building a non anxious life on atomic discount and you can get questions for humans couples It's gonna be on super sale and all the other ones. Questions for humans, intimacy.

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