The Dr. John Delony Show - I’ve Been Struggling With Porn Since I Was 10 Years Old

Episode Date: February 20, 2026

On today’s episode, we hear about: A young man struggling with porn addiction A husband wondering if he should tell his family about his wife’s affair A man whose wife is moving across the country without him   Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 🔥 Reconnect every day. Download the Together App. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Head to Beam and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy, and focus start tonight. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Get an exclusive offer with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Go to Dutch Pet and use code DELONY to get $50 off a year of vet care. Go love your pets! Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—Go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.     Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This ongoing addiction that's been happening since I was around 10 years old. Pornography? Yes. It's like, it feels kind of consuming, like something that's kind of taking me over. Once I give in to it, I dislike myself more. Dislike is not really a truthful way to say that, is it? What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show.

Just talking to Kelly off air about data. I like to look at data and listen to it and believe it. She is like, nah, I don't agree with it. It's just numbers and reality, but whatever. And right now she is giving me the universal sign of love, which is a wave minus most of the fingers. But on this show, I won't do that to you. If you edit that part out, you aren't as courageous as I thought you were, Kelly.

On this show, I sit with hurting people trying to figure out, what's the next right move, unlike Kelly, who's just mean to people. So let's go out to Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Baton Rouge and talk to Lane. What's up, Lane? Hey, Dr. John. What's up, brother? Yeah, so I just wanted to talk to you about this ongoing addiction that's been happening

since I was around 10 years old, and that was the first time I ever experienced that. And then once it happened, I want to more of it. What's that? What's that? What's that? Pornography? Yes, pornography Or nudity of any kind

Okay Yeah, so Like that was the first time I had ever experienced it And then over the years It just kind of got worse And became more part of my life That I just continued to deal with

So How old are you, yeah I'm just looking at I'm 22 Bro, this is a courageous question You're asking I just want to tell you Like shout out, I'm proud of you

Thank you I appreciate that is a knife in your spirit isn't it yes very much so paint me a picture of before when you're fighting yourself

and after after what after you're done consuming pornography what do you feel I'd say when I'm first tempted to do so it's like it feels kind of consuming

like something that's kind of taking me over, like something that I... Oh, that's a feeling that I'm desiring. And then once I give into it, then after I come out of it, I dislike myself more. Yeah. Dislike is not really a truthful way to say that, is it? No.

What do you feel? I feel shame. Yeah. Grossed out? Yes, grossed out. I hate that, dude. It's almost like another guy, right? Exactly Yeah

What's life look for you right now Like what do you do? You go to school You work in What are you doing? Well, I'm working full time With my dad right now He's a salesman

Of a door and window company And I'm working under him To try to do what he does Do you enjoy it? You like it? Yeah, I do enjoy it a lot Yeah Are you good at it?

And then I'm involved in Yeah I'm getting better at it Working daily Trying to learn under him Very cool Is he a good guy good role model for you?

Yeah, absolutely. He's always been there for me whenever I needed him. Does he know about this? Yes, he does. What does he say? He says he's proud of me for taking a step toward a change. So when you envision your life minus pornography. Let me just say it this way.

So like a rudimentary definition of an addiction, is a behavior that we continue to engage in. despite negative consequences that we know is bad for us we keep doing it over and over again. Mm-hmm. Right? When you picture your life

with this thing removed, paint me a picture of what that life looks like for you. I would say more confident, more willing to engage in conversations, less fear, more willing to do what I want to do, or even be able to feel what I'm wanting to feel. I feel like it drowns me out,

like it takes away from my potential. Are you coming at this from like a moral stance, like you think this is wrong? Are you coming at this from like, there's been a lot of, a lot of like what I would call secular podcasters and media, like people who aren't like, aren't really worried about the morality of pornography.

They're just like, dude, it's bad for you. brain. Tell me which path you're taking here. How are you coming to this idea like, I want to not be a part of this anymore? I'd say mainly from a moral standpoint, because I'm a Christian, and I'm deeply involved in my church. But then the other side of it is also the indications and everything that's involved with the psychology behind it and how it affects, especially young men. Yeah, there you go. So it's all of it, huh? Yes, it's all of it. Okay. So I can give you some, like some tactics, okay, some stress. And they're proven over time if you'll do them.

All right. But before I do that, I want you to spend some time asking yourself a couple of bigger questions that you're not going to be able to answer all at the same time. Okay. Okay. So question, the big question number one is, what does, what if pornography works? If it works, what is it protecting you from? and so if you look at pornography, alcohol, drugs,

if you look at them like a crutch, what ailment in your legs, is it your ankle, your knee, your calf, what is it helping you get through your day from? Because what I like to say, not about all addictions, but especially when they become pathological meaning, when they take over your life

and they've quote unquote lost their utility, and they just run things now, which is what you're describing, okay? But I always want to ask, what does this protect me from? How is this serving my body? Because the truth about alcohol is it works. It takes away pain of loss. And then it will eventually take everything from you as well. Okay.

Or often for guys who struggle with pornography, there's a sense of aimlessness, loneliness, purposelessness, there's a lack of lived aliveness inside of us. We don't have lives outside of the computer that bring us excitement, joy, fun, adventure. We're living dead, soulless lives. And so pornography serves as a,

as a pathetic little, bump in excitement absent from the real the real world. Okay. Right? So here's the thing.

You could throw away your phone. You could throw away your computer access. You can just get rid of it all. You could extract this poison from you today in a large part, right?

Now, we all know you can go find it wherever you want to find it, right? But you could smash your TVs, you could disconnect your Wi-Fi, you could get rid of your phone to go to a flip phone. You could do all that today. But the question I would ask is, for most people who struggle with addiction, that leaves them not whole, it leaves them hollow.

Do you get what I'm asking? Yeah. So I would ask you, where do you have real in-person live relationships that you have adventure, spark, life, we don't have to keep secrets, where you have a gang? Where are you putting yourself in really awkward situations where? One of the things I, I, I, I, One of the things I lament the most for your generation is you'll probably never spend an entire movie, not paying attention to the movie at all, just trying to get in the right position so you can maybe hold hands with somebody. Right. There's a sense of aliveness and silliness and play and just like, ah, that is completely extracted from culture now. Yeah. And so it's asking, where are you putting yourself in those situations where you can meet real people, real.

real romantic interest, real humans that make you uncomfortable, that make you nervous, that fill you up, like, where is that? I would say my church is probably in one place as of right now, because I'm in a in-between position in my life where a lot of my friends are off in college, and even if it's the college in my city, it's just I don't really have a big group of friends as far as meeting, new people and getting out and doing things. Like I have a core group of friends that I've had for years, but it's not, I guess, in the way of we're all growing together.

It's just we're all kind of hanging out. That's right. So if you want to stop a thing, whether it's alcohol or it's pornography, one of the core things you have to do is surround yourself with people who don't do that thing. Yeah. And when it comes to pornography, that's damn near impossible, dude, right? I look at the stats on young men.

It's like in the upper 90th percentile. It's hard. Or at least a group of guys that will call each other out. And I'm going to quote the great Brne Brown here. Shame eats secrets for breakfast. So the second thing I want you to do is to commit to a small core group of people, whether that's your dad, whether that is a gang, what's a couple of guys? It's some people you trust at your church.

I'm not keeping any more secrets. I let myself down again last night. I looked at pornography again yesterday. I downloaded all the apps back and logged back in and yada, yada, I did that yesterday. Okay. And we're going to stop living this secret internal life that nobody else knows, right? We're going to begin, it's called congruence. We're going to bring together the secret parts of us and the whole parts of us into a unified person.

That doesn't mean that you're going to walk in and announce that to everybody because that's unwise, right? It's unsafe. Yeah. But I'm going to have a core group of people I don't keep secrets from. With the good stuff and with the bad, when you make a big sale, your first big crushing sale, you're going to call those same guys.

Okay. The third thing is you've got to put up some significant hurdles in your life. It could be getting on some of those sites that will send all the websites you go to in a certain week to your dad or your friend or to a group or something like that. It could be just getting rid of your smartphone for a while.

You may have to have it for your job, so I'm going to get myself, like I don't trust myself of social media. I can't control it. I can't. So I have two different phones. And one of those phones stays off most of the time in my work bag because it's a tool for my job.

And so it might be that I have a tool for my job as a window salesman. I've got to have a smart phone to access the forms and the whatever's. But in my day and day out, my friends have a flip phone number. I'm going to cut off access for a while. Okay, I got you. You know what I'm saying? You're going to have to decide to put up some really big hurdles so that if you're going to violate the commitment you've made to yourself,

you're going to have to go through a lot of hurdles to do so. Yeah. And the current pornographic ecosystem is so gamified and it's so simple that the friction of access is so thin. It's just, I mean, it's everywhere. It's everywhere. It's everywhere. And then the last thing you're going to have to do is create a, actually you have two things left. Create a series of habits that you're going to begin to do small habits. It's not huge crazy things. I'm going to work out an hour every day.

You're not. I am going to go to the gym every day, even if it's for 10 minutes. If going to this church is not helping you, I'm going to find a group of people that I trust, that I can be open with. Because right now it sounds performative. It doesn't sound like you're surrounded by people in a faith context that are celebrating you and challenging you. It sounds like a theater troupe that everybody shows up and they act their part and then they go home and they live their regular lives. Is that accurate or no? Yeah, I would say for a lot of people, yes.

Okay. Now, there's definitely certain people that I look up to, but as far as people my age, there's not very many people that I would say that I can rely on with this kind of information. Okay. Probably just a few. So your goal is, I got to find some. If there's a local essay group in your town, if there's a group in a local church that meets or whatever, I'm going to plug into that group.

Okay. And I don't have to buy every thing like hook, line, and sinker, but I'm going to go get around a group of people who are trying to do the same thing in their life that I'm trying to do. Okay. And then here's the last thing. You said, when did you stumble on this stuff when you're 10? Yes. Do you have any sexual abuse in your past? No, I don't.

Thankfully. Okay. And you're 22. So this is going on half your life, but this stuff was baked in pretty young. Yes. I'm going to challenge you to go get a counselor in your local area. Okay. Okay.

Yeah, that's one thing I have not done yet. Okay. And I've talked about it, but it's never, just never done it. Okay. Here's the overarching theme, bold steps, white knuckling it, no pun intended, trying not to do this thing and then exploding and then being hating yourself and then that cycle, you've done that long enough, man. You've got to be exhausted, right?

Yeah, for sure. So let's just try some different things. Because that's not working. It doesn't mean you're weak. It means you're wise. But I want you to start reimagining your identity as I'm a guy who doesn't look at pornography. I just let that be your identity. And that will reverse engineer a bunch of behaviors you have.

I don't go to that movie. I know that for some friends of mine who are like sober, they can have a beer. They can be at a place where there's alcohol. I've got friends all over that go to bars, they don't ever drink. I also have friends that just can't be around it. Great. It's awesome.

Know yourself. Some people can go see whatever movie and that's not going to send them home into a spiral of pornography. Great. Cool. Some people, man, once that switch gets flipped, it's on, man. So know yourself. But make a bold commitment. I'm a guy who doesn't objectify people.

I'm a guy who doesn't look at pornography. I'm a guy that doesn't support those industries. I just stay away from that. stuff. And so here's what must be true in my life. I'm surround myself with these people. I'm going to put some really big hurdles up. I'm going to go do the inner work that I got to do to figure out what I do I feel so dead inside that this gives me a little bit of aliveness. And for you, it may have been going on long enough that it's even exceeded that and you need to get some true help with an addiction, with an addictive disorder. But I want to tell you all that.

I'm proud of you, I'm proud of you. 22, getting a handle on the stuff. Awesome. Let's try a whole bunch of different stuff and act boldly. Proudy, man. We come back. A man asks if he should tell his family about the affair his wife had with her boss. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Sometimes it can feel like everyone else's lives, especially their love lives, are little perfect hallmark movies. But here's the truth, whether you're married, dating, or single, everyone is still figuring out how to do relationships.

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All right, let's go. Let's stay here in Nashville, Tennessee, and talk to Andrew. What's up, Andrew? Hey, Dr. John, how you doing? I'm good, brother. What are you up to? Oh, just living the dream, working away. Anytime somebody says they're living the dream,

they're for sure not living a dream. I mean, a form of a dream, you could say. There you go, nightmareish kind of thing. So what's up, ma'am? Yeah. So I'm wondering if I should tell my family about the affair my wife had with her boss about a year or two ago. Whoa. Why do you want to tell your family?

I guess I would say it's, I really don't know. I don't have a good answer on why, per se. Let me poke and prod here. If your family is where you would go, if they're your safe place, if they're your safe place, if they're your gang, and they're the place where you're celebrated, then the place where you're challenged, then the place where they grieve with you in healthy ways.

Maybe. But if you're feeling alone and you want some people on your side, if you're feeling a year later, still embarrassed, still mad, and you're tired of them being nice over the holidays at her, and they don't know how bad she really is, and you want to even the score, yeah, don't do that, man. Yeah, I definitely wouldn't say it's the second thing.

And I come from a big family, and so I would say that there are portions of my family where they are my cheerleaders in my safe spot. And so. But what would telling them get you? Like, why the call? Why do they need to know this? That's a good question. How will it aid in you and your wife? I'm assuming y'all are staying together?

Yeah, we, I mean, I guess a little backstory will help. She told me about the affair in summer of 2020, had been going on for about a year or so. when she told me she had already ended things cut off all communication blocked him everything changed jobs

I mean I knew something was going on never really confronted her about it but when she told me we kind of both sat down and as you say that was turning the lights on in the room

and we just dug into a lot of stuff dug into my part of why her marriage wasn't working dug into her part and really put in the work and so I don't know what's the state of your marriage now I would say that we are moving

towards the best marriage that we want to have and best marriage we can have. Are you committed to that? We both are committed to that. Yes. All right. You're local here. So I'm going to hook you and your wife up with two tickets to my money and marriage event on Valentine's Day weekend if you want to come. Be my guest. Okay. Is that fair?

That's, you know, we were actually talking about if we could make that happen this year. I got you. I want you all to come. Okay. I'm also going to hook you up with a year of my Together app, which is a new app I created for couples who are just trying to rebuild the thing, to strengthen a thing. There are micro habits for a better marriage. Things you do every day. Gotcha. Awesome.

So hang on the line after that. Now, why in the world after coming out of the fog, the sun came back up and y'all are trying to figure out where the road is, do you think, you know what? I'm going to tell my family. That's what will help this thing. I guess in a way I'm kind of looking for a shoulder to kind of... That's exactly what I was thinking. You sound lonely, dude.

Yeah. Yeah, that's kind of how I'm feeling with this. Yeah. My wife also comes from a big family and she told two of her sisters, who she is very close to what happened. One, because her sister had also had a... her spouse cheat and it ended into divorce and so it she was looking for a shoulder and I guess yeah it is just I'm kind of I've I guess I am just kind of feeling alone and working through this

so there's this there's this part after like you go to the doctor and the doctor says hey you're 50 pounds overweight you got to lose some weight and you'll talk and you come up with a plan and then you go meet with a personal trainer and you're like, yes. And then you go to your first three workouts. And you're sore and you can't really, but it feels like your pants are already fitting a little bit different, right? Right.

And then you look up six months and you're just doing the same thing. Yeah. And there's a mundaneness to it that feels like this is boring. This isn't the right path. This isn't fun anymore. It's lost.

It's energy and it's got to keep getting up and doing the same things towards. that goal that I want. And I'm convinced that that is the reason why people fail in nutrition. They feel in their marriages. They fail in their jobs. It's just success in anything takes a whole lot of daily, boring, next right things. Yeah.

And if you don't have a group of people with you in your life, it can feel boring and overwhelming. Yeah. and some people like to light matches just to get some excitement back yeah so as for me and my house i would not tell my family here's why i have a very protective family yeah and if somebody hurts their son they are a burn it down first ask questions later and i love that about them yeah and i would not want them to be forced to choose between the mother of their grandkids and their son. And, I mean, we've been together for ever, my wife and I for a million years. And so, like, that would be more destructive.

What I would choose to do is to get some guy friends, get a counselor, get some people I could talk to in my life about the boringness, the lack of life, the, hey, what do we do next? The, I just feel like this is getting heavy now. I'm finding myself going back into old patterns that we talked about aren't helpful for our marriage. That's what I would do. But I also want to hold space for, you might have an amazing supportive family that would hold both of y'all through this

and would say, how can we love you and do all the right things? That would just be a rare family. Yeah. Or you have a big family, and you isolate two people, and you're like, I can tell them. Well, then you're asking them to keep secrets from the rest of their family.

And that's a tough thing to do, to ask of somebody, right? Yeah, yeah, you're right. You're right. And so it's just you reading the situation, but before you go do a thing, is ask yourself, what am I trying to solve by doing the next thing? Right.

Okay. That makes perfect sense. Perfect sense. Are you becoming a guy that you respect? I'm really working on it. Tell me about that. Kind of just going through the last year was one of those years where everything that was normal to me kind of blew up. My dad's a pastor has been a pastor my entire life.

the church that we had been at for most of my life, we had to close our doors. And honestly, that was also a big contributing factor to a lot of the hurt in my marriage. because being the pastor's kid, it was, hey, there's something to do. I got to do it. And my wife did not sign off on that, was not comfortable with it, told me many times, hey, I don't want to be here, I don't want to be here. And so that happened last year, and so since then, I've really just been kind of digging into a lot. of things in myself.

So like I said, I am becoming a man that I respect, but it's been a rough year of it. Very good. And often we find out who we are after things burned to the ground. Yeah. And it's an honor to talk to a man who's suddenly with the clarity of the closed doors of a faith community or of a purpose he thought he had that was over

overarching everything else. Suddenly you hear your wife's, her voice in a different way. The last few years she said, hey, stop choosing your dad over me. Stop choosing your childhood obligations over me. And now you hear it, and you're like, oh, I missed it, man.

Yeah. And lots of people quit. And you're not quitting. That's admirable. I'm proud of you. Thank you. The thing I want you and your wife to spend time doing, and we'll talk about this at the retreat,

but ask yourself, who do y'all want to become? As a united gang. Okay. Who do you all want to become? You want to become the fun couple, the reliable couple, the safe couple,

the exciting, you all get to decide. Yeah, yeah. And then create a list of action steps that help you get there. Keep the picture of who you'll want to be front and center. I got you. Yeah.

I can do that. You got to get a gang. And there's a lot of cool guys here in Nashville that I've found this city in particular to be really welcoming. And like, yeah, come on in, dude. I'm pretty in a unique way that I have been experienced in other places. So that's your mission, man. But sit down and have a year. In fact, you know what?

Wait for a few weeks and come to the retreat. Tell your wife, sign them up because I'm going to put y'all through as a part of this retreat. the same process my wife and I go through, which is, is the new year. Who are we going to be this year? And how do we go about building that thing up? And hang on the line, I'll hook you up with some tickets, and I'm hook you up with the Together app, the Microhabits for a Better Marriage app.

We come back, a man asks how to support his wife's out-of-state job without pushing her away. If you have a dog or a cat or both, I want you to pause this podcast and go to, Dutch.com slash Deloni and check them out right now. Dutch is a telehealth veterinarian service that saves you a lot of time and a load of money. I've got pets, you've got pets. Caring for pets is such a challenge, and this is why I love Dutch.

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telehealth. Go to Dutch.com slash Deloni and use code Deloni to get 50 bucks off. a year of veterinarian care. That's their best offer of the year. That's a Dutch.com slash deloni, use code Deloney. C-site for details. All right, Denver, Colorado. Let's go out to Matthew.

What's up, Matthew? Not much. How are you, John? I'm good, homie. What are you up to? Oh, I'm sitting in the parking lot of my work talking to you. Ah, man. I hope nobody's filming you.

All right, so what's up? I hope not. Well, up front, just the question, my wife has made a decision to move for a different job. And I have a child here that's graduating school in another year and a half, so I'm not leaving. And just want to delve into how to best navigate that whole process, keep things strengthening in the marriage rather than weakening in the time that we're going to be separate. Do you all have a built-in reunification plan? Yeah, so a little bit of background. The move is to Florida where her mother lives.

She works for the VA and doesn't like the VA situation she's currently working at. And it's really grinding on her emotionally and just kind of suck on the life out of her. So she needed a change, but really wants to finish up her VA retirement. She's prior Air Force as I. The plan's always been to move back to Florida. and this job opening just became available. So it was a little quicker. So definitely the plan long-term for us always has been to head that direction anyway.

It just kind of timing-wise with a job opening came a little sooner. So there's definitely a reunification plan. So it's not like she said, hey, I'm taking this job. You can come with me if you want. I'm out of here. This was part of your long-term plan. It just got accelerated it a little bit. That's, yeah, accurate.

Okay. And why are you staying? I've got a 16-year-old high school junior. I'm divorced, so I can't leave with the child. Her mom lives here. So I have to and want to stay here for my child until she's done with high school. So how has the conversations been with your wife? Well, initially, when I wrote in back in December, she was still mulling over the decision. She's accepted an offer now. The timing is still a little bit up in here. conversations have been fine.

I think she, like I said, it just really burned out on how she feels she's being treated at the current place. And so I want to respect that. I've tried to make it clear to her that I want her to be able to find a work environment that she's able to thrive in and feel valued in, but always tried to make it clear to her that I didn't, wasn't looking forward to her being gone. And there have been some times when we were having a little, you know,

whatever, a little tip or whatever. And she's like, oh, I'll bet you'll be happy when I'm gone and not here to be nagging you on. And whatever. Don't you even say that. Yeah. But sometimes people say those things. Sometimes people say those things because they mean them, but oftentimes people say those things because they're trying to force some sort of artificial distance to make the separation easier. Could be.

And so I hold a lot of that pretty loosely unless somebody comes out. Oh, yeah. with, you know, clear. My wife and I twice have moved at different intervals. And never for a year and a half, but we did it for six months, two different times. When I took a job at university, like before the term was over,

one time she was finishing her research, one time I was finishing, right? One time we did it well, one time we did not do it well. Okay. And it's, I guess I would say, is both of y'all being committed to this will be hard and this will be uncomfortable, that will be a feature,

you're not a bug. So when things are hard and when things are uncomfortable, when things are inconvenient, that doesn't mean something is wrong with the greater relationship. That means we're just in a tough season right now. It's winter and we're going to have to work coach

and that's no fun, but it is what it is. Yeah. And so putting on the calendar as much as possible, a, like, I guess say what you need

and say what you want. More importantly, say what you want and you all are going to have to navigate those things. I want a Zoom call every night. We're married. Or I don't really care about that. Two or three nights a week, I want us to make sure we're resuming.

I've already purchased six months worth of plane tickets. We're going to see each other. Yep. Or we're not. We do have, right? Yeah, we do have plans for me to try to get down there for hopefully like a week out of every six weeks or something. I have a little bit of remote work opportunity. Maybe that I can be doing there too.

Okay. Let's make that as concrete as possible. otherwise it's really easy for that to be like well maybe next week and then maybe a week after that and suddenly you look up and it's been four months yeah and it just gets challenging and um every every couple's different so you all work it out the best you can but um just committing to some strategic routine in some shape form or fashion that we can both anchor into as a proxy until we get back together and then maybe even a fun I don't know

fun might be the wrong word but who do we want to be over the next 18 months yeah yeah like do we want to both just put our heads down and get through this year great and or do we want to be sexy long distance couple

do we want to both meet in Dallas in a hotel and be like hey who do we want to be the next month and a half I mean the next year and a half you know my vote on a couple of those probably but. But I mean, it's, it's, everybody gets a vote. Yeah.

And I think the deeper question is if she has transitioned to a place where she's saying, I won't, I won't, I'm not, then your marriage has deeper challenges to it that I would want to address before you all spend a year and a half apart. Yeah. I don't think that's the case. We've, you know, been married eight years and have had certainly some struggles with adjusting to a family of four of my kids and her not having any kids, have been married before and taking our knocks up and down that, but I think we're overall in a pretty,

pretty good place. Right. And we're both feeling positive about this, but I'd like the idea of intentionality in terms of interactions and what we want this to look like and know when it looks hard. I sometimes wonder things I can do to minimize her need ever to. worry about me doing something I shouldn't be while she's gone. Does she worry about that? You know what?

She strangely enough worries about it with my ex-wife, which is not a thing at all, ever, a chance. She's like, she's going to start pushing boundaries. I'm like, oh, maybe, but I don't really, I'm not, there's nothing to do there. There was a time, though, some years ago where, and she probably wouldn't want me to bring this up on this call. She'll listen to this later,

but she probably wouldn't say this out loud. But there was a time a few years ago where I had an inappropriate texting thing going on with somebody at work, and we worked through that, and she has moved on from it, doesn't bring it up or hold it over my head or do anything like that, but I can't imagine that it doesn't play in the back of her mind

in a situation where she's going to be gone for this long. And I just want to be very forthright and being able to do everything I can to make sure that that's not something that she's, you know, just having to try to swallow him. Yeah, I think it's just, I mean, that's a great example of let's leave with no secrets. So if there's nagging concerns, if there's logistics like paying the bill or who's going to write this check, or I'm going to make sure I will be in charge of the taxes and the lawn. Like, making sure those things are, let's talk about everything.

Okay. But then let's save some space for what are you scared about? Got it. And let's mitigate some of those fears. I'm afraid we're going to look up and we haven't slept together in seven months. I'm afraid of that. Yeah. Yeah, me too. All right, let's put some things on the calendar right now. Let's get online and buy the tickets right now to avoid that. I'm afraid that fill in the blank. You're going to create a life in Florida without me. And then when I get there in a year and a half, I'm going to feel like an intruder in my own marriage. Yeah, I could see that. So whenever you come down to visit,

we're going to have a breakfast routine. You're going to vacuum. You're going to do some of the domestic stuff. We're going to help out. Like, it's being intentional about these things that we're scared about, things we're nervous about, and just committing, we're not going to have any secrets.

Makes sense. Yeah. And there's something, again, I don't want to play trades. It's not a this for that. that, but, man, there's a way, it's not, I wouldn't wish it on anybody, right? A year and a half apart is a year and a half apart. That's hard. But man, there is a way to have a lot of fun,

especially the technology we have now. Yeah, absolutely. I think so. And we should be able to have enough time and resources to be able to visit each other and so forth. I think. But I mean, start an inappropriate texting relationship with her. Yeah. Right? And, And tell her, hey, when you send me a random text about how hot I am or what you want to do to me when I get home this weekend, like, text me that on a Tuesday afternoon. Like that will mean a lot to me. Even if she has to put it in her calendar, send dumb text to husband. Right. Right.

I get accused of dork is her description for me when I send those texts to her. Yes. Yes. I would like some dork texts back, right? But it's being honest about, hey, these things would be huge. I'm going to once a week just send food to the house, and that's going to make me feel like I'm participating in your life a little bit. But I just want to cook it home.

I know, can I just send food once a week? Yeah, you can. Right. I'm going to, let's do some of those things that make liveliness and fun. How can we inject fun? How can we inject life? How can we inject adventure into this 18 months? We're going to be spinning apart.

And then do we have a vacation? Do we have a coming back together ceremony? Do we have a thing that we're going to mark this reunion when it happens? Let's put that on the calendar. Let's start saving for it or whatever that looks like for your all's resources situation. Yeah. No, I like adventure. That sounds like a good way to sit down and try to build that in.

And after focusing on all the details, like you said, making sure he was paying the bills. and when we're planning to visit and stuff, but building some extra fun and adventure into it that seems maybe a little bit more second nature when you're together. Yes, yeah, that's it. That's it. It is these things that we take for granted,

the touching of your arm, the eye roll, the shoving you in the kitchen when you say something dorky, the whatever. How do we build those things in electronically for a short season? I don't think it's sustainable long term, but for a season we can do anything, if we're honest about it. Most couples don't talk about this at all.

They just say things like, I'm going to miss you. I'm going to miss you. We're going to write. We're going to see each other all the time. And without specifics, without logistics, it doesn't happen. Or they get really specific about, I will pay this bill, you pay that bill, etc, etc. And then they never get to the romantic relationship, adventure, fun, play, sexiness. That's just supposed to, quote, unquote, take care of itself.

And it doesn't. It just withers on the vine. So let's be intentional about all of it. It's awesome. Best of luck to you. and your wife. I'm glad she found a place where they'll respect her and care for her. That's awesome. And, man, I can't wait to hear how this 18-month separation goes. Separation's a bad way to say that. But I think y'all can turn it into something magic. If you do, I'd love to hear about it along the way because you can encourage listeners who are in similar situations.

Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. If you ever come over to my house, you're going to find a whole bunch of cool stuff, but you're going to going to also find one main theme, my family loves cozy earth. They're sheets, pajamas, blankets, towels. Cozy earth is taken over my house. Why? Because they're incredible. They're comfortable and all of their linens last. When you wash the towels a couple of times, they don't turn into an old rag. They stay true. They're amazing. They're awesome. Listen, getting into my bed with cozy earth sheets, it just makes me smile. Even when I've had a bad day, I just go, ah, seeing my my wife and my daughter smile when they're wearing their pajama sets. That makes me smile.

And on all the sheets, all the towels, listen, Cozy Earth offers a hundred-night sleep trial and a 10-year warranty. So there's no risk to fill your house with Cozy Earth gear. Try it out for yourself. Go to cozyearth.com slash Deloni and use code Deloney and you'll save up to 20% off your entire order. That's Cozy, C-O-Z-Y. CozyEarth.com slash Deloney. Use code Deloney. Trust me. bring cozy earth into your home. You're gonna love it. All right, we're back and Kelly, your beard looks nice. Thank you.

You're welcome. And your voice got deeper. Told you to stop inhaling the marlboro reds as much as you do. I don't know what to say to that. So Alex is driving for Kelly. She is looking over his shoulder in her favorite seat. It's the seat of judgment. But she's sitting behind him right now.

I'm a hostage. I'm a hostage. Am I the problem? Yes. Kara asks, am I the problem for wanting to get my own place instead of moving to a place with my boyfriend? We always wanted to get a place together, but he doesn't hold jobs and is laid off right now and doesn't seem to be seeking another job.

I've decided I want a place on my own and maybe we can live together later on the road. I probably could have told him, but now he's saying, I'm self-centered because I want my own place for now. No, he is the problem. Get your own place. Listen to yourself. listen to your yes listen to you know no I'm like I want to scream

run run run but no get your own place for sure get your own place 100% get your own place was that clear what do you think Alex I agree uh yeah I had nothing to add I think it's kind of silly to get

move in before you're married anyway so there you go um it's strange for me that the producer doesn't have quote unquote something to add because Kelly always, always has things to add. Well done, Alex. Appreciate it. You produced the crap out of this show today.

It's good. Thank you. I haven't heard the final product, so we'll see. As long as Keeler hit record and Ben hit record, we're going to be all right. Love you guys. Bye.