The Dr. John Delony Show - I’ve Had a Crush on my Husband's Friend for 5 Years

Episode Date: September 15, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman crushing on her husband’s friend A woman wondering how to tell her sons to stop giving her gift cards A man trying to overcome the fear of being fired Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.  Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

How do I get over a crush that I have had on my husband's best friend for five years? Rut, Ruh, when you say crush, what does that mean? You fantasize about this guy, you accidentally brush up against his arm. When you're sleeping with your husband, do you imagine him? Like, what, give me the level of crush. What does that mean? What up? This is John. Welcome to the jungle. We got fun and games right here talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships and your marriages and your kids. Whatever you got going on in your life. I'm here to talk to you. Go to john Deloney.com slash ask and fill out the form. We get hundreds of requests from all over the planet every day. Love for you to write in about what's going on in your life and we will get you on the show. It's got to Los Cruces, New Mexico. I know where Las Cruces is. I got some wild adventures.

in Los Cruces before. Talk to Ashley. Hey, Ashley, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm doing great. How are you? I'm doing good. Super excited to be talking to you and also extremely nervous. I'm glad you reached out. What's up? So my question is, how do I get over a crush that I have had on my husband's best friend for five years? Neither him nor my husband. Yeah. Neither one of them know that I have these feelings and I just I really want them to just go away but I feel like there's something underneath it that keeps it there

so that's my question today oh man I've got lots of thoughts tell me more about it tell me what it is about this guy that like let me back up when you say

crush what does that mean you fantasize about this guy you try to get near this guy you like to you accidentally brush up against his arm when he's walking like tell me what crush means so i don't do any physical contact with him other than like an occasional side hug um when you're sleeping with your husband do you imagine him like what give me the level of crush what does that mean okay no i don't fantasize about him in a sexual manner um i do find myself kind of wondering what it would be like so he's a very adventurous

kind of person and he'll go um like he'll go hiking or he'll go fishing or he'll go fishing or he'll go up to Colorado for the weekend. And it's just very spontaneous and very like off the wall kind of thing. And so then I catch myself wondering what it would be like to go do those things with him, to be with him going fishing to, you know, essentially, I don't know, kind of create a life that I don't currently have. So those are the kind of fantasies that I have. But it's never like a sexual thing. I don't fantasize about what he looks like naked or shirtless or what it's like to kiss him. It's just more kind of like. I think it's my way of escaping my current life, just kind of fantasizing what it would be like to go with him to do those things. Gotcha. So I guess there's two things here. One, I want to relieve you from what maybe feels like a moral failure

or like you're not that you're doing something wrong. If you are in the presence, this is me included, by the way. If you're in the presence of some guy that's just telling you about the adventures he's been on and the this is and the that's and then I went and climb this and scaled this and hunted that there is I'm attracted to that like there should be my wife laughs at me about my crushing she's like you crush on everybody about everything like the whole room should feel a little bit more alive when an adventurer walks in that's why dosaki's made the most most what is it the most whatever what was the thing the

The most awesome guy in the world? Amazing. The most amazing guy in the world. Is that what it was? Most interesting guy. That's why they did that, right? Because it lifts a whole room up. And so if you're listening to these stories and you're like, my gosh, this guy's awesome. I want to really, like that's normal. That should be that way. The next step is when you start world building. Right. Whether you're world building in the bedroom, whether you're world building, like, God, I wish my husband would just be. leave me like i would love to go out on these adventures with this guy and then it becomes escapism but it becomes a secret that sets the middle of your living room which is i don't like the life i have that i'm co-creating with my husband and that turns into i'm not alive in my

house anymore and that turns into one day this guy text you and says hey can you come over and help me with something right you get what i'm saying so you know that's i don't ever want to put myself in a compromising position to do that. I really try to just keep myself in check. I'm like, okay, you know, like this is, this is not real, these feelings, you know, this is not something that you actually want to pursue because I have, like, done some really deep delving into my own brain and like, okay, what is it that I'm so attracted to this guy about aside from the adventures that he takes?

And I don't know, he thinks, well, he thinks I'm smart, which is a big one for me, because I guess in a lot of ways, I feel like my husband doesn't value my opinions or my thoughts on certain things. But this guy will ask me for advice on things in his life or what he should do in certain situations. He thinks I'm funny. he thinks that I well he encourages me in my personal endeavors aside from my family and my husband like I own my own business and he's very encouraging in that aspect um he thinks the things that I have already accomplished are pretty awesome and he asks me questions and he's very interested in things that I have done personally um and he just I guess it just makes me feel seen and heard in ways that I haven't felt in years.

It's the two magic words, seen and known. Yeah. And those form the foundation of any sort of romantic, friendship, any sort of relationship, work employee, do I see you in front of? Do I see you as a separate being than me? And then do I take the time to get to know you? And then the next one is, do I celebrate you? And only after I see you and know you and celebrate you, do I have permission to challenge

you? And often, especially in a long-term marriage after several years together, it just goes straight to challenge right right and then somebody comes in and's like dude this is awesome and your whole body lights up like a Christmas tree right yeah yeah exactly and I kind of get these like you know like that weird pit in your stomach when you meet somebody for the first time and you get nervous around them and then I kind of like okay I got to excuse myself from this situation because well here's here's the thing you've done all the hard I mean you've done all the easy work you haven't done the hardest thing okay which is take on

head on the challenges inside your own home. Right. Well. Unless you have. I have in certain ways, but there are challenges

that I just I really don't have any control over. So for the past six years, my husband's drinking problem has just, it's gotten really bad.

Okay, lead with that next time. Lead with that. I'm married to an alcoholic. Right? Yeah. So, hey, it just kind of seems like it's getting worse, too. Well, it probably is. And it becomes this weird dance where he's drinking to escape his life

and suddenly you start creating a new life to escape your life, which pulls you further apart from each other. So he drinks more. Like, it's a recursive thing, right? It works in tandem and suddenly you'll end up on two different islands across two different planets. Right. But fantasizing about somebody else in another world and what I would say over putting more weight on positive things said than may even be in reality is a way to avoid dealing with I'm married to an alcoholic. I don't feel safe in my home.

I don't feel loved in my home. Because that's the choice. That's the place that you got to park. Can I stay in this relationship? I would say that you're pretty much spot on. We've been together for going on 13 years now. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter, doesn't matter, doesn't matter, doesn't matter.

Are you safe right now? Yes, I mean, he's not physically abusive. When he gets to a certain point in his drinking, he can get verbally mean, but he doesn't ever hurt me or the kids or anything like that. It's just, you know, 85% of the time I'm home alone with my kids because he's at a bar. Keep going.

And I just feel so alone sometimes. And I feel like I've done all of this by myself. You know, he used to tell me how much he wanted a big family. And we've accomplished that when we have five kids. and um but i feel like okay why did you want such a big family if it's just going to be me by myself all the time with them and you're never here present and when you are here you might be here physically but you're not here emotionally that's that's what's going to say

he left you a long time ago actually he still sleeps there but he left you and the kids a long time ago it definitely feels like that and you've said the words feels like feels like which tells me you're in an ecosystem that has taught you that your feelings cannot be trusted yeah

I would say that that's probably accurate okay you're not crazy your husband's left you the question to be answered now is who are you going to be moving forward I have no idea okay that's the question to be answered

are you going to be a woman who cheats on her husband I don't want to be okay I never wanted to be that person I know I know and I'm asking it this directly and I know it feels assaulting it feels heavy right like I'm asking this direct because I want you to take ownership of what happens next because right now your whole life is being done to you

yeah i want to have this many kids well okay i'll create this i'll create this picture for you i don't want to be there i feel like this is nuts but okay i'm gonna keep drinking and hang out at the bar with my friends you do all run your business and get no support and no celebration and by the way take care of five kids as a single mother i'm gonna spend our money i'm gonna go drink bye i feel's not right you just be quiet this is how this is going to go Well, and I mean, I don't, I don't just let it go. I have said multiple, multiple times how much that I'm not going to put up with this, how much I can't do this. I know, I know, but you do, and he knows that.

And I do, but it's just, you know, where do I go? I have five kids, and my business is okay, but it's not sustaining enough to take care of me and five kids. I know. And it's just like, where do I go from here? I know. it's the terrifying reality that millions of mothers and wives face every day this is not how I drew it up no not at all

and this is what in the agreement we made but you sound like a strong woman who's had a bunch of this is the line and he just steps over that line and you move the line again then you move the line again which he hears behavior as a language he just hears you like she just needs to bark at me for a while that i'm going to go on about my life and so what i'm telling you about making taking ownership i want you to take ownership of the choices i'm about to make am i going to be a woman who fills in the blank who cheats on my

husband and if that's going to be your next move okay am i a woman who is going to call my mother and say, or an old friend and say, I need to come stay with you for three months with five kids, that's a tall order, but that's what I got to do right now while I save up some money. I don't know. Are you going to be a mom who just says,

I'm going to ride this out for the next six years and get two of these kids out of high school and get them over to E&MU there in Portales and get them to school, and then I'm going to make them. Like, I just want you to take ownership of what happens next. Right.

And it's a way of saying, okay, I'm done letting my life happen to me. And it might be that taking ownership means I have to make a three-year plan for God's sakes because that's just the economic realities of where I find myself. Yeah, it could be. But you're on a slippery slope to become somebody you never wanted to become. And I just want to, like, I'll be here. right now i'll be here in the middle of that i'll be here when you come back like i'm gonna love you

and i'm gonna want success for you but i just see that path or you're gonna bury yourself in the middle of your living room and i don't want that for your kids either because i don't want them to lose another parent too and i say bury yourself you're gonna take all of your feelings and fears and frustrations and you're gonna shove them so far down in your chest and you're just gonna muscle through the next minute of every day and your kids are gonna say i didn't know my dad because he hid behind a bottle, and I didn't know my mom because she hid behind her rage. Does this sound fair?

Uh-huh. And that's probably how you grew up, too, isn't it? Actually, no. No? I love being wrong on that one. My dad was awesome. It is awesome. So good. He didn't really even touch a drink until I was out of the house.

um this was not his this you know i didn't grow up with this kind of life and so you know i always hear you say that we marry our unfinished business and i'm just kind of like okay then what the heck did i marry because this is not at all how i grew up um and i don't i don't understand you know the i guess some of the choices that i've made the things that i've allowed to continue like marrying your unfinished business is a is we call it a trope like it's right a lot but it's not gospel I mean it's not it's not a scientific fact okay and there people break their legs people have accidents people get sick people take a drink and take another one at work and then like they find themselves really struggling years later I mean life happens okay so I don't want you

You're on beating yourself up for the choices your husband is making. I do want you to take responsibility for what happens next in your life. I just, you know, I don't really have anywhere to go. I have no money. I am, I don't know, essentially stuck, I feel. and I don't want to uproot the only life that my kids know to possibly put them in something that's even more chaotic and crazy and... Like what? I don't know, like, the household of a single parent.

You know, just the fact that, okay, you know, if I do leave my husband, if we do separate, I don't really trust his judgments. and, you know, what kind of people are going to be in and out of my kids' lives, you know. And so what you're doing is you're pre-imagining a situation? Yeah. And you're trying to solve for it in the present. That's called anxiety. Well, I think that would pretty much sum up my life. Yeah, I know, I know.

I know. here's here's I think you're and you might already be there okay I think you're in need of a yellow pad from Walgreens for 79 cents or I don't know with inflation maybe $8 now but like a yellow pad and a pen I'm going to send you a couple of things just for you I'm going to send you a copy of building a non-anxious life my book and I want you to use the questions in the back of those chapters as a map I want you to write down the answers to the questions in the back of those chapters because it's going to paint you a picture the secret behind that book is it begins to distill down what can i control and what can i not control period and so i want you to write i want you to go through that i'm also going to send you fpu financial peace university the digital class that the eight or nine videos that you can watch at home on your computer on your phone digitally that will help you build a a roadmap for financial freedom.

And there's just going to be some very, like, stark, like, here is the reality of this. Here's the reality of this. And then I want you to, I'm going to send you three months with my friends at better help. Counselors, okay? And they're licensed counselors. They can meet with you on your phone or on your computer because I know you've got to work. You got five kids. And you don't have time to leave and go see a therapist and then leave and come all the way back.

They're going to hook you up for three months for free. And I want you to start seeing a regular therapist who's going to help you sift through all, of these things flying at you and begin to make some concrete next right step so i got you with some tools okay sister but i want you to hear me say you feeling trapped is real you feeling alone in your own house is real you're about to make a decision you're going to regret because you're going to become somebody you don't want to be that's real too and how good it feels to finally have somebody see you and at least pretend they know you and know that feels good too all this stuff is is you're not crazy you're not crazy but you are at an inflection point and I want you to own what happens next even if

it's being still for a year or two years while you make different plans even if it is staging and intervention for your husband whatever it is I want you to own the next step you call anytime and we'll get you back on the show thank you so much for honoring me by sitting up as pulling up a seat at the table coming up a woman wonders how to ask her son for physical gifts, for real gifts, instead of just gift cards. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Everyone is talking about therapy, therapy, therapy these days. And I often hear folks say, I don't think I've had any major traumas in my life.

I don't know if I can use therapy. Listen, this is really important. Therapy isn't just for people dealing with major traumas. It can be for that, but it's also a valuable tool for anyone looking to improve their mental and emotional well-being. I see a therapist for both the big challenges from my past, as well as helping me navigate the day-to-day challenges that pop up. Many of you should consider therapy too. And if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp.

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and for no extra cost. Talk it out with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloni. All right, Huntsville, Alabama. Let's talk to Bonnie. What's up, Bonnie?

Hi, Dr. John. What you say, lady? How are doing? We are doing great. It's a gorgeous day. Fantastic. What's up? How can I help you?

You sound delightful. So I wrote in when I received an email from a local spa indicating that I had been gifted a massage. The problem is I don't enjoy massages, yet this has kind of become the go-to gift. that I received from my adult son. So my question is, can I say I'd like something else enough with the massages, or do I just need to accept it graciously and stop being a jerk? Oh, Miss Bonnie, there is levels underneath all of this. What is it?

What's the real question you're asking? So the bigger question is, do I accept the time and attention that I'm given by my adult children? Or is it okay to ask for more? Because my philosophy so far is just to take what they give and build my life and be okay with it. But it makes me sad sometimes. Yeah, but the only reason you would land there is that at some point, you did not have their attention or care. Well, I mean, I think consistently, I'll send a group text. Easter lunch is at 1 o'clock at your Aunt McMurray's.

Nothing. I get literally, like, and I don't expect them to immediately respond or, but you can't give me a thumbs up within a 24-hour period. Do they show up to the lunch? Less than half. We had a, fewer than half of mine came to the lunch. But it's even bigger things. I had one of my sons is in the military, and he was seeing a young lady on the base.

They decided to get married. You know, it was just going to be a courthouse wedding. But he brought her home, And, you know, we did a nice lunch. And about six weeks before the wedding, I called him and just made sure that that was the right date because I was about to book my room. And he said, oh, Mom, we broke up last month. I mean, it's like, you can't call me and tell me. It just feels like I'm so far removed from their lives.

There it is. That's the question. That's the question. I just I don't know I don't want to be a burden I don't want to push Bonnie you are their mom

why do you feel like a burden well if it's a burden to have to respond to text and if it's a I mean with going back to the massage I've said in multiple conversations, you know, that's not, just not really my thing. I find them awkward. And yet I still continue to get them, which makes me think, okay, they just don't really care if I like what.

They're just checking off a box. And so I don't. Don't blow by that. Let's sit in that for a second. Are you married? So I am married. Their father died in 2017. So I am married, but not to their father. Has things changed since you got married? Yes. Okay. Have y'all ever had that next conversation?

So I have asked each if they liked my husband and consistently the answer is, oh yeah, he's fine we just don't know him yeah that's not the question that's that's an easy question that's an over there question okay what are they going to tell their mom no we hate him and what are they going to say to you you raised you raised Alabama boys they're going to say yes ma'am he's he's kind we just don't know him we just don't know him is southern for i don't want that dude around me I don't like that guy. I don't know. You know what I mean?

I mean, there's a lot in those little southern. I just don't know him. Yeah. The bigger question here is, I miss my boys. Yes. And I want to know what's going on in your lives. Is there something I've done that's made it hard for all to be around?

Because it really would honor me if you told me. What are you talking about? Mom, we don't, we think you're a great. Okay, but it would mean the world to me, if you would just respond to my text with a thumbs up. Okay. Which, by the way, I have, I can't, I could not even guess how many unread messages I have.

And I leave them unread for one reason. So I don't forget them. Because I get so many text messages in a day. Right. And it may be they don't want to clutter up a group text or they got it and they forget or they weren't going to go anyway, but the group text isn't the, who knows? But there's that next step that says, all right, we're in a different tier. I recognized I brought a.

new man into this relationship our relationship that's not dad i get all that i miss my boys yeah and i guess what i would ask you to do is for the last what is it 2017 so last eight years right nine years there's been a increasingly faster tornado inside your chest that's spinning faster and faster and faster and because you keep putting things out there that you think are real clear signals hoping they get them and they run right over them or they blow by them the story that you've told yourself is somehow they don't like your new husband somehow there's something wrong with you and when you put something out without being super clear it just confirms what you already believe about yourself that i'm a burden to these boys yeah and i would not continue to

live like that for your sake and for their sake i would choose to enter into into some sort of, hey, I want to just talk with each one of you. Okay. Do they live in your same community or town? Do they live all scattered across the country? So they live an hour and a half away. Okay. That's close enough to go have breakfast with mom.

I'm a drive up on a Saturday or a Sunday and just I miss my boys. Yeah. And to sit down with them and say, hey, like, and how old are you? I'm 57. Okay. Even if you said this, even if you said, I'm in the back half of the third quarter, I'm staring at the fourth quarter of my life. I would love to know how I can love you guys best because I miss my boys. Even if you just as the parent took all of it.

How can I best love you guys? Okay. And eventually it will come up. Hey, here's some ways you can love me. No more stupid massages. I don't want some creepy person's hands all over my body. Ew, right? But there's a way that, listen, so in therapy, there's, we call it the one-up and the one-down position, okay?

The one-up position is typically, not always, but it's typically male. and it's very much my house I get what I want like right very much that just loud and aggressive I'm gonna get my way okay there's also the one down position which is typically not always but typically has a very feminine energy to it which is oh okay well you guys just go y'all go to dinner and I'll just um y'all know I don't like that place but that's okay I'll just eat the the dairy queen napkins in the glove box I'll be fine right right and that's how you you're, that's how you're entering into this. If you say in a, like, just get, don't get under the boat and don't try to get on top,

just get sitting a seat on the boat and be like, hey, I'm your mom. I don't want some other creepers hands all over me. Ew, they will get that image in their mind and they'll laugh. And then also say, I realize that y'all have so much going on and thinking about old mom's present. It's just like, but it really makes a difference to me. Right. and then when you do that you're being what they call vulnerable

because they might say you got it mom and they might forget next year yeah they might forget and that's scary to think and as a son I forget I don't want to but I do

I do and I love my mom to death I love my sister to death I love my brother death and I forget does it make it right doesn't make it good it kind of bums me out that i'm that way but also i would love it if she doesn't listen to the show but if my mom was to say hey this is what i want and it matters to me that you most moms go it's fine it's okay even

when it's not yeah yeah and i think i've been i think that's kind of the i think that's the I have taken. Yeah. Let's be right in the middle of it. These are your boys. Okay. And whether they want to believe it or not, they need their mom. I hope.

I think you're right. I hope you're right. Listen to me. I know I'm right. I know I'm right. They may not, they may tell you, all right, mom, then here's the deal. Also, we don't want. want your vote when it comes to us ordering a margarita at dinner or on our pants being to

who knows and only you will know if that's how you know if that's how you are but you're a good Alabama mom you're supposed to comment on everything that's just part of this is part of the deal i don't think i do i know i'm just messing with you i'm messing with you but but i do think that I might have a bit of a martyr mentality. Oh my gosh, you just said it. I wasn't going to go there, but you said it. Hey, listen, if you lead with that, oh my gosh, I'd be amazing.

Boys, I'm such a drama queen, and I'm sorry, but I miss my boys, and I want to know, I'm getting on the back half. Yeah. And I realized I brought some other guy into the picture and made it weird, but it is what it is. I love him. He's my husband.

But how can I love you guys in this back half? Okay. I want to be around my grandkids. I want to see, I want to know your lives. And you can point at one of your sons and say, you dummy, you got, you broke up right before your marriage. Like, call your mom. Right.

You're allowed to say that. Okay. And he needs to be a grown up and say, Mom, it's not good for me to do that because you go scorched earth or you ask a thousand questions or like, let's have that honest conversation. Yeah. Yeah. Because, man, you, you, gosh, if I could, if I could snap my fingers and wish anything for anybody, it's that parents and kids, especially adult kids, could just reimagine their relationships right now. I think people, I personally think people are drowning because they're cut off from their family's origin for a thousand different reasons.

Yeah. And sometimes rightfully so, but sometimes it's just like this. It's just this weird distance that happens and nobody knows how to get back. and so they send a massage because they think that would be nice for them and you're like, I hate this and nobody knows how to say, and then just takes one person to get in a car and say, uh-uh, we're going to breakfast. You're my boys and I love you. We got half, I got half a life to go still. And I do it individually, not as a group. I would. Okay. Or, I mean, you could do it as a group. It depends on how homogenous there. Me and my brother and my sister are so different that

that would be awkward. Right. And one of us would just dominate the whole thing. But you know your boy, they may all be just awesome together, right or dies, and you can do it all at one time. Okay. And that might keep you,

if you did it all at once, that might keep you from them, from their text throughout about you on the, off to the side, right? Okay. Which, by the way, every sibling group has that, so just it is what it is. Yeah.

But just letting them know, I love you boys so much and I miss you. okay and then just hold a tiny little space in the southeast corner of your heart for them to say mom we're just too busy yeah i don't think they will but i would rather you know that and grieve that then every day keep ginning up that story that there's something wrong with you and you're unlovable and what if i try this what if i try this i'd rather you just head right into the scariest conversation and have it okay and god almighty if you can cure yourself of martyr syndrome please write that book,

you'll sell a billion copies. Billion copies. Well, I haven't in 57 years, so it's not looking good. Wait, just day one. Day one. Hey, you've made my whole day, Bonnie. Thank you so much for calling me.

I'm really, really grateful for you. And by the way, if moms and dads across the country will reach out, and by the way, about the by the way, if moms and dads across the country will reach out to their aging or adult kids and have this conversation and be willing to hear feedback without snapping or trying to cover it up or

and just saying words, I'm sorry, or you're right, or there was more context to that, but here's the do it, you're right. If we could just say, I'm sorry, and I forgive you, and will you forgive me, and how can I love you? My goodness, we're talking about a culture that has absolutely been revolutionized. We come back, we talk to a man who wonders how to move on after getting fired from his job.

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Hey, how are you doing? What's up, man? I'm doing great. How about you? I'm hanging in there. What's up? well one thing I called in is about a year ago I got let go for my job and I still have a lot of anxiety and fear after losing that never had that happen before I feel like I was performing well and everybody was surprised that I was getting let go

where I was at it was total shock to me too and so I don't know how to move on from that and I tried to work through it but still hits me every other day every day did you ever get a reason why um they said it was a restructure reorg

but um it was felt pretty personal um a lot of other people my position or level got let go as well so it wasn't personal

it wasn't personal it was a whole band of it felt it felt like it was for me specifically but I don't proof on that and that's a that's kind of something i'm trying to get over because it i did not have a good relationship with that boss at the time he was fairly new okay okay um what have you done in the last year um so i uh relocated um to uh or i'm looking relocated to a different area um trying to start well we paid off all of our debt relocated to a new area and trying to get money

safe to buy a house and start our family um which is that's a good part but it's just in my current job where i got a new job i'm trying to work to that still because i see every little thing like if i do something wrong i'm going to get fired yeah i think here's a deal i think i think i think you're right to feel that you're not crazy you're not crazy yeah It's one of the reasons why I'm so adamant about people doing whatever they can, even drive crummy cars, even live in smaller houses, rent. I'm so adamant about people not owing other people money. Yeah.

Because getting fired has two things. One, the research says losing your job is as psychologically devastating, can be as psychologically devastating as losing a loved one. And so hear me say, you're not crazy, man. and you're supposed to be anxious about that. If you lost a good friend in a car wreck and you were in that car, you'd be nervous to get in cars and drive for a while.

It's just part of it. And so you're right to have your antenna up at your new job. You don't know anybody there. You're in a new area. You've just, I mean, you're a year out from just getting the rug pulled out from under you. You're right to be nervous. Okay?

You're not crazy. I want to solve, I want to go at this or solve this, if you will, in a couple of ways. The first way is, as y'all are working, on it I want to build in margins so if and or when this happens again it's annoying it's not devastating yeah and so having six months of your expenses in a checking account somewhere or a high-yield savings account it just lets you walk a little bit um more firm this boss doesn't get to dictate your life because you you can just say like bye dude and then you only have to deal

with the emotional part. Now, that's going to be a big stress relief. I think by, I think, September, I'm working with my wife, but August, September will have the six months. Oh, dude. I'm telling you right now, that's a major, most people don't understand what a game changer that is. Yeah.

An absolute stone game changer. That's number one. Number two, is there an old employee there or somebody that could fill you in on some stories or et cetera? Because I do think there's something important about being reflective. Yeah, I talked to the old employees, though. The guy who actually let me go and a lot of other people who've been there for a long time,

he got walked out of the building about three months after I got walked out. That's usually how that goes. Have you ever, I guess you don't have any interest in going back? No, I relocated. I'm actually, there was a couple I call them Godwinks that I got from that. I probably wasn't, I don't know, supposed to be there. I'm in a job that's actually a little. lot better now. Oh, fantastic. Fantastic. And so

just still trying to fit in there, but just relocated to, I think, a better area too. And so it's a godwink, but it's just still an uneasy feeling because I'm not used to, I see that as a failure, not used to feeling like that. Yeah, so if you had tried to run a big project and you were an architect and you built a building and it fell over and the engineers, everybody

did exactly what they are supposed to do, but you're designed collapsed under its own weight I would call that a failure if you were a closer in game seven of the World Series and some guy hit a home run off of you then you failed in that mission here it sounds like you were a part of a situation

where somebody hired a bad leader and that leader just started mowing people down and so quickly thereafter that leader got walked out of the building and so I think the fear is less that I'm a failure and more oh this is what the world is this shaky and most of us walk around thinking the world is way more certain than it actually is.

And so it's reorienting to, oh, man, like, you can be working really good and producing for your company and you get the wrong leader and they'll just cut you. Even if that leader gets fired a few months later because the company's like, whoa, what are you doing? You're getting rid of all of our good people. And so there's something about distancing yourself from the character part of it. And I always want to be reflective. Is there something I can do differently next time? One of the most important conversations I ever had was I really wanted a job at the place that I was working.

And it was an executive role. And at the time, the president was a friend of mine. And he said, you're too volatile, Deloney. You are a quick mind and you're a great leader over here and you take care of all these emergencies across campus. You're amazing at your job. But to come up to this next level, you're too volatile and I really had to do some soul searching there I was mad I had my feelings

hurt and he was right so I worked really hard to be more still less anxious all the time so ask and see if there's anything to be reflective on and then I guess the last thing I would tell you is start keeping track of every time you get nervous okay yeah and I want you to write it down okay and here's why I'm doing this you might feel nervous two or three times in a day but at the end of the day

when you reflect on your day it might feel like I was nervous all day yeah and actually it was just a few times when somebody said hey I need to talk to you real quick and your heart was like

oh this is it I'm out I'm out I'm getting fired I want you to write that down yeah okay 9-06 and can I just be honest honest honest with you I've never been fired from a job I've seen the writing on the wall

at one or two places but I've never been fired okay yeah to this day when I get an email it says hey let's come meet I need to see you at 430

dude my heart is off to the races I got an emergency fund like I got a house that I don't have a mortgage on like I've taken care of my long tails and I still am like

oh no here it is here it is here it is right yeah and I go have the meeting it's always something funny or silly or even if it's serious and then I go to the car and I exhale and say thank you for trying to take care of me body I'm okay

that's a good point because here's what I don't want you to do when I after a year of being anxious over time you start going to war with your body I don't want to do that don't do that just exhale and say dude thank you for trying to take care of me I'm good

I got six months of cash in the bank we're in a new town this is a good company they're good people and if you get nervous go ask your boss tell your boss hey I got canned and that guy got fired I might just check in with you is that cool I can do that do you have that kind of relationship with your supervisor

yeah I do it he's a lot better dude if you could do that just be like hey I'm gonna check in every once in a while this is my drama queen real quick I bet your boss would be like that's fantastic I love that kind of relationship with one of my leaders. That makes sense?

That makes totally sense, yeah. And if you want to be a super gangster, write your boss, your ex-boss the one that fired you, write him a letter, don't mail it. But write him a letter and tell him how mad you are and tell him how you altered his life, how he altered your life, I mean,

and then tell him, and by the way, it has all worked out better than any of us could have imagined. End the letter with, you no longer get to live rent-free in my chest. Bye. I wish you will. And there's something about that exercise of letting that anger and rage onto that paper followed by.

I'm moving on and things are better than I could have imagined and ending it with, what am I going to do now? You no longer get a vote in my life. You had your vote. Good, yeah. Does that sound cool? That sounds good. I tried to do that, have a funeral for my job and everything, and then I just,

I couldn't let it go still. There you go. I don't want to have that cord is all pumping all the time. That's right. That's right. I'll try, I'll work on this. Yeah. And there can be silly things like making sure you sleep, making sure you eat,

making sure you're out moving around and going for walks and things like that. I mean, all that stuff's important. And sometimes that when you get anxious, you might find yourself scrolling a lot more, staying up later, watching a movie, and then another movie. And then another movie you're playing video games, whatever your drug of choice is having a drink. and then another drink. And so it's always good, brother, always good to step all the way back and look at your life. Hang on the line.

I'm going to send you a copy of building a non-anxious life. It's my number one best selling book. I'm going to send it to you for free. And I want you to just use it as a roadmap. Having a funeral is awesome, but you also have to deal with the executioner. And writing that ex-boss a letter and just saying, you're out. Like, you did your worst. You messed up the year of my life.

We moved and whatever. And it has worked out incredibly well. And today is the last day You get to be in my life And then just start writing down When you have those attacks I'm feeling like it's called coming down That's not

And then hey boss My last job was real janky The leadership And so I'm gonna come in And just touch base with you every once in Because I'm a little bit Paranoid And hopefully your boss

Is a great person of integrity And he'll smile Or she'll smile And say of course anytime You check in I want you to feel safe here Because we're glad you're here Thanks for a call brother

You're right back All right, let's get cozy. You guys know that I love adventures and I love being out there causing mayhem, but I'm telling you, by the end of the day, I'm ready to shut it down. And when I do, I want my bed soft and cool and ridiculously comfortable, which is exactly what cozy earth delivers. Cozy Earth has amazing bamboo sheets that are made out of viscos from bamboo. They're super breathable.

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because your bed should be more than just a place to sleep. It should be your happy place. Cozy Earth makes that possible. All right, Kelly 2.0, something cool happened. What is it? Adrian from Tampa, Florida. She wrote in and said, My husband and I are big fans of your show and had the pleasure of meeting you last year when we visited Ramsey headquarters. Listening to your advice has truly helped us improve our communication. After 21 years of marriage, we're learning to be more open and honest about

our needs and have started asking each other, how can I love you today? My husband recently mentioned wanting the questions for humans, cards for couples, and it was a fun surprise to tell them that I had already bought them. Your show has been such a blessing to us, so thank you to you and the team. That's awesome. I love hearing that when people listen to the show and they slowly implement some things into their life. It's fantastic. And good work to you all in our gang on the team. Not you along here, country boy. I'll even let you have a king you're into. Thanks to you guys, man, because y'all don't get to go on the road. I was on the road for the last like three or four weeks just hammering it man i tell you what getting to see people

in airports and gas stations um i mean one a m walking off off off off time square in new york and a couple stops me at one a m i mean what y'all's work y'all are doing is making a huge difference out there it's awesome pretty cool man and for everybody listening thank you all so so much don't forget to share and like and subscribe and thumbs up and i don't know just tell the overlords. I like this show. I don't know how to work. Tell your car, I'll probably sign up for you too. But hit those buttons. Makes a huge difference. Love y'all. Bye.