The Dr. John Delony Show - I’ve Kept My Diagnosis a Secret (Should I Come Clean?)

Episode Date: August 13, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: -          A young woman wondering when to disclose her mental health struggles -          A man unsure if it’s time to confront his mom about their past -          A son hurt after being left out of the family vacation Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Need to talk to someone? BetterHelp is virtual therapy when it’s convenient for you. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. These are the BEST sheets and towels in the world. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Getting lots of spam calls? DeleteMe can clean up your online presence for you. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Find peace every day. Hallow is the simplest way to slow down and get your head right for the day. Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial.  I have Helix Midnight mattresses in EVERY bedroom in my house. Get 20% off when you visit Helix Sleep and take the sleep quiz to see what you need!  I took Thorne supplements way before I worked at Ramsey. Stoked that we can work together now! Get 25% off for LIFE at Thorne.    Head over to Poncho Outdoors to try the best outdoor performance shirt for yourself!   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I was unfortunately diagnosed with schizophrenia. Is it wrong of me to keep the secret from literally every single person that I know? We live in a culture now that says because we have social media, you have to tell everybody everything all the time. And if you're not, then somehow you're a liar. And that's false. It's just not true. What's up? going on this is john the dr john deloney show i'm so glad you're with us taking your calls on your mental and emotional health and your relationships and your kids and whatever else you got going on

in your life go to john deloney dot com slash ask a sk love to talk to you on the show all right let's go to jacksonville florida and talk to eva hey eva what's up hey hey how are you dr john i'm great how about you i'm great what you say lady um so i kind of like wrote something just so i wouldn't get you know kind of jumbled up um is it okay if i just kind of like read that to you you could do whatever you want yeah like let it rip read it up okay got it okay i'm kind of nervous sorry no i don't be nervous you're good what's up okay so by the way i also know telling somebody hold on i know that telling somebody hey don't be nervous is like when somebody's depressed and you're like ah just cheer up or

somebody's anxious and you're like just don't worry about it so i know be as nervous as you want to be you're good okay so last year um i was unfortunately diagnosed with schizophrenia wow how old are you i'm 25 i just turned 25 like yesterday okay before you keep reading happy birthday before you keep reading what usually there is a whirlwind of chaos in the years leading up to that type of diagnosis Yeah, tell me about your life. So I feel like I live like a relatively normal life. Like I go to college. I have a steady job that I've been at for probably about three years now.

Awesome. I own apartment, all those things. I've been medicated for like the last year. So ever since I found out, I've been consistently taking my medication. Awesome. I don't really get symptoms that often anymore. They'll sometimes peek through if I may. like missed like a dose or something. But other than that, like my day to day is like pretty

normal. Um, I also never really experienced like the typical symptoms that you think of. Like, you know, when you think of somebody who experiences schizophrenia, you know, they're like hearing voices and like seeing crazy stuff and stuff like that. Um, it's not really been totally my experience. Um, my schizophrenia manifests as more so like delusions, um, which is like way easier to but it's still like extremely stressful. Give me an example of one of your, what I would call, and this is kind of jargon,

but one of your classic delusions, one of the ones that loops on you a lot? I would say the worst one that I had was that like the people closest to me were all plotting against me. Like plotting to hurt me in some way, either physically or emotionally. And I just was,

it was just really, really bad and it was causing serious problems with, like, my partner and my family members and stuff like that. So does the medication turn down the dials on that hallucination? Pretty much completely. Outstanding. That's amazing. Hey, can we just celebrate?

What a weird little sliver of history we live in? Right. I know it's pretty weird. It's like when I take my medicine, you know, I feel completely, like, I feel great. You know what I mean? Awesome. Awesome. I will tell you, folks with bipolar 1 and schizophrenia, especially those who present as you do,

those who take their medication regularly, which is hard, right? Because there's seasons when you feel good and you're like, I don't want to take it anymore. I just quote unquote, want to be normal, whatever. Those who do can live a really great life. Yeah. So I am proud of you for a year of staying on. good for you, Ava. That's amazing. Thank you so much. It's been really hard.

I know it is. I know it is. And I know it's frustrating, especially when you have like two weeks or three weeks of feeling great that you're like, oh, I'm quote unquote cured, which I don't like that kind of language, but like I'm somehow. I feel that. I know. But it's that, all right, I got to do it again. And I got to do it again. So, man, good for you. Yeah. All right. So what's your question? Go back to reading. So my question is, is it wrong? of me to keep the secret from literally every single person that I know. I feel really, really guilty lying to literally everyone close to me, my friends, my partners, my family. It's starting to make me kind of feel like a bad person, but I'm also like really, really

afraid of like the stigma and what people think of me because I feel like when you think of the word schizophrenia, it's like a really skisphrine. It's like a really scary word. Like, people think the worst thoughts, you know. I know I did. And I just don't know if I should continue to keep it to myself or, like, is that okay? I really, really have been struggling with it lately and I don't know what to do. A, you don't owe anybody anything.

Okay. Okay. And if you have, I don't know, like cancer, if you've got any sort of, any number of things, schizophrenia, you don't owe everyone in the world. We live in a culture now that says, because we have social media, you have to tell everybody, everything all the time. And if you're not, then somehow you're a liar. And that's false. It's just not true. We don't have any decor anymore.

I feel like I'm lying to people, which is why I feel guilty. you are not okay okay i want you to a always double down on keeping a of a safe okay and i want to tell you that over time secrets will kill you they'll burn a hole through your spirit and so having people that you can share this with that you trust and that you care about especially those who are you're going to need if you don't have it already what i would call an accountability circle somebody you can say hey have you taken your meds this week

you're going to desperately need that over time all right and so letting people in not everybody because that's madness and not people who are going to use this against you when you apply for a job you don't have to say hi my name is Ava and guess what happened to me guess what I you don't have to do that

okay you may if you're working at a certain kind of place and talk to the HR director because they keep things confidential and say, hey, I want everybody to know. I want you to know. I'm taking medication. I have a diagnostic and I'm working really hard and I've got things under control. And I'm working with a with two sets of professionals. I got a counselor. I got a psychiatrist and I'm on it. Just want to let you know. You could do that if you wanted to. If you felt safe doing that, I would feel safe doing that where I work, not everybody has that, and that's okay.

Right? If you're dating somebody seriously, yeah, absolutely, they would need to know. I think that would be honest and fair. Okay. If you have one or two family members that you feel safe with, great. I don't want to paint with a broad brush, but I will. Often, folks, with your diagnosis, did not come from stable family systems. No.

Okay? and so there may be nobody in your family that's safe or maybe you have a sibling that's safe but it may just not make you feel like you can walk on firm footing by all your family knowing okay yeah you're not a liar you are somebody who is taking care of eva okay okay do you have two or three close friends or associates or a romantic partner that you would feel safe telling this to? Yeah, I would. I'm just afraid. Okay. The way you described it to me was really well done. I have schizophrenia. I've been diagnosed with schizophrenia. I don't even want to use the word have. I have been diagnosed with a symptom cluster that presents a schizophrenia. I'm going to

commit to getting re-evaluated every two to three or four years. I've got an incredible team that gave me some great medication that's working amazing. And obviously, you didn't even know, friend or colleague or family member. You didn't even know. But also, I want to bring you into the inner circle and let you know if you ever see me kind of withdrawing or starting to talk a little bit more about, hey, they're watching us, right? or they're listening to us that you have permission to say have you taken your medication

yet yeah because one of the things that is scary for people who love somebody who maybe is diagnosed with schizophrenia diagnosed with bipolar is they want to love and support especially when things get tough and they don't have an avenue forward and so you when you're well when you're feeling great and you have a season of taking your meds um You give somebody permission that if you show up and you haven't showered for three or four days or you haven't slept for three or four days, they have a pre-established path already arranged with you on how to lean into them. Okay. And by the way, that will give you an anchor point, a little bit of an exhale,

knowing you're not holding this whole thing all by yourself. Yeah. But hear me say this directly. You are not a liar for being careful about who you take. okay okay now you told me do you feel in any way that i've judged you no do you feel like i don't like you no do you feel like i have communicated any way that there's something wrong with you and that you're not going to be a contributor to our crazy little world we live in no okay give other people the opportunity to do that too okay all right

I cannot tell you how proud of you I am. Thank you. And did you get diagnosed by one person or more than one person? More than one. It was a process. I was misdiagnosed a few times and then they got it. Okay. And everybody feels at peace there?

Yeah. Okay. It is 2025 right now. I want you to put a little star in 27, maybe February or March. of 2027. Okay. And I want you to commit with your provider that you want to go through a reevaluation process again. Okay.

And here's what that does for you. It keeps your well-being and health front of mind, and it's just going to be something you have to hang on to. One of my oldest friends in the world is in a wheelchair. He has to think through things like what restaurants I'm going to go to. Do I have access to him, right? He has to think through parking. It's to think through different things. And I wouldn't wish that on anybody, but that is his reality.

And as soon as he can just say, yeah, it's just my life and I want to get on about it because I want to go to the concert, then there's less, it's still inconvenient, but there's less that pressure, right? I have to help him go to the bathroom when we're out. So he has a whole bunch of jokes geared up for when that has to happen. Like, it's just a process. It just is. Neither of us want that, but it is what it is. And so we make the best of it, and then we go on to the show. I want you to have that front of mind because this is just kind of.

going to be what you um what's in your in your heart in your head in your mind in your body it's just going to be a part of your life and so let's make peace with it and let's go do the next right thing you know what i'm saying yeah but dude awesome i'm proud thank you and can i give you one more thing before i let you go yeah this is just between me and you okay okay got it and a couple of million people listening but just it's just me and you okay okay okay one day do you still see a counselor yes okay i want you to run this by your counselor so don't take this just from me but here's an exercise i would love you to consider in your journey to this diagnosis and in your journey to finding the right medication and going in and out of doctor's offices

and counselor's office and probably school counselor's office and probably school disciplinary boards and all that mess. I want you to write a letter to 20-year-old you, and this is a letter of love and forgiveness, because you've probably done some things that haunt you, right? Yes. Yes, okay? I want you to forgive her,

because now that you have some data, that 20-year-old you was going through hell, and she needed a lot of compassion that nobody around her even knew how to give her, especially you, right? Yeah. I want you to make peace with that girl who was struggling and let her know in this letter

that 23-year-old you, 30-year-old you, now is on a new track and is doing some amazing things that are going to bring healing to the entire trajectory. Okay? Yeah. I'm proud of you for the journey you've been on

and for the work you have done, gangster, Ava. Awesome. Stay on it. stay on it and stay on it. I'm proud of you. Thank you so, so much for the call. All right, when we come back, a man is struggling to confront his mother about his past. Everywhere we turn these days, everyone's talking about AI or our data privacy or hacking or whatever. Listen, right now, scammers are using fishing attacks.

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That's join delete me.com slash deloney. Go check them out. Let's go out to Baton Rouge, or as Kelly calls it, Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and talk to David. What's up, David? Hey, Dr. John. What's up, brother? I was just trying to find out what the next right move is. Me too, dude. You go first, so then I'll ask you mine. All right. Go ahead.

All right. So I have a question. Should I try to open up about the elephant in the room of my relationship with my mom, even though I know she will probably deny any wrongdoing? How old are you? I'm 22, 23. Sorry, I forget. I get it mixed up with my wife sometimes. I'm 23. Okay. And you're married? Yes Just a quick aside You're married pretty young Which I love

Why did you decide to get married Well We kind of grew up in a A kind of niche Like conservative Christian culture Where it's pretty normal That people are getting married Before their 20s

Is it niche or is it culty Or kind of both Maybe a little cultic But maybe not enough to be an actual cult It's cold to Jason, okay Very cool And I don't regret being married that That early and it's been an amazing two years

So Oh, so you're already two years in Yep Wow, good for you man Congratulations, too Thank you I got married young too Not as young as you

But I got married young too I just I have a soft spot In the heart for it so All right so what's this elephant In the room It's like A lot of past trauma and I tried to think of a way to just answer that quickly

because I know you probably would ask that but it's more the more I look at it, the more it's just patterns of the way she treated us but I did write down some examples if you would want some. Yeah, we'll get to those that you wrote down but you said there were trauma. Give me a couple of bullet points. Okay, so it was basically an environment

where us, the kids, were never good enough. And we would constantly get yelled at and punished for not, you know, cleaning up the way she wanted to. If she was stressed, she would make sure everybody else was upset with that. And then later in life, it ended up leading to my sister leaving the house when she was 19 because of similar issues. And then my mom and her had this conversation that I never heard, you know,

I've heard both sides, and they both say different things, but basically they're not in contact. And one of the big things that she did was she told me and my little sister that she would kill herself if we ever did what she did, if we ever did what my older sister did. Is it part of your religious heritage that 19-year-olds don't leave the house? That seems common across the board. Yes. We grew up in the under like the IBLP type stuff where it was like the umbrella of authority. So if you do anything that your parents don't want to, it doesn't matter how old you are. As long as you're not married, you're under your father and mother.

And so if they don't want you to move, then you can't move, basically. Wow. that is a twisting up of the honor your father and mother to a new level which is you do whatever they say for as long as they say it yeah yeah that's i hate that for everybody um yeah so tell me tell me why oh let's just say this no it doesn't based on what you've told me it doesn't make any sense to quote unquote confront your mom because there would be two things to play here either you're confronting her because you want to heal this relationship and have her a part of your new marriage and your new life and if you'll have kids and all that um and it may even be an extension of your religious heritage which is she still gets a vote and how we run our our marriage which i'll disagree with but is what i mean y'all do you there's no so that's number one i want to heal this thing and she's proven to you over time that healing or

working together or having a a relationship that is one of equanimity is not anything she desires she is your boss she tells you what to do and when to do it and how to do it and anything other than that results in threats screaming yelling or even um threats to take her own life or the other reason you'd want to do this is because like i'm 23 i've been married two years it's time i stand up for myself. And I understand that, but I would much rather see you stand up for yourself with your actions and not just say something to have had said it. Does that make sense? Yes. Could I add a little bit of context to that? Add whatever you want, man. Yeah. All right. So about five years ago, I did start, you know, kind of standing up for myself,

and I was in counseling at the time. And he told me it was probably a good idea. to move in with my dad because they had just recently divorced. And, you know, she made a lot of assumptions, like when I was bringing things up, like, well, I wouldn't have yelled at you if you were a good kid. Oh, how dare you be depressed? Let me stop you. Let me stop you.

Let's don't go back five years anymore. You're talking about a woman who is unwell. Okay. And maybe she was trapped. in this religious cult-adjacent niche group or whatever, and she has been squashed and silenced and whatever her whole life. And who knows what her dad did to her, right? And so I'm not giving her an excuse,

I'm just saying even going back to those moments, a mother that looks at a kid and says, how dare you get depressed? Or maybe you wouldn't be depressed if you weren't such a bad kid? That's the end of the conversation. there's literally nothing else to say there because that in and of itself is

it's so out of bounds it doesn't make any sense to continue the conversation yeah and when you get and you when you I'm going to use a gosh an example I don't like to use here but it's just the first one that popped into my head okay

I can't even count them I could probably sit down and get up here a paper out and count them but i've had too many students over the years at the universities i've worked at either attempt to take their life or to actually go through with it and die by suicide okay and i can't tell you how many people whether it's parents siblings or other students and friends um and faculty members etc who are trying to figure out why why did this happen and usually the result of that i mean the bottom line of that question is what did i do wrong what could i have done. And there are some things people can do, etc. But I always used to tell folks, if you're

trying to reverse engineer these things, there's not a rational response to an irrational act. And so you're not going to find the math problem, generally speaking, that you can lay over A plus B equals C here. And so what I want to tell you is it's irrational to look at your teenage son and blame him for his biochemistry and his life experiences it's irrational to look at a son with anything other than compassion who's hurting as he's heading into a new marriage it's irrational and so you trying to find rational responses to that is just a waste of your energy and it's pulling precious resources love time attention connectivity from your brand new marriage man and i'd love to see you re-diver that energy into something productive

and making sure this cycle stops with you and your new wife. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. And I know this is even more complicated because God has wound all up into this. And by the way, where's your dad and all this? My dad is now like separated from him

from her living separately and kind of we've both talked about how we both kind of feel like there's that denial and gaslighting of like I never said that I never did that you're making this up the devil is using you to attack me and things like that you've got an unwell person you both have experienced the same person and I would hope with you and your dad not in a gossiping or attacking kind of way but you can both realize oh we have a shared experience here we're both not crazy and once you realize I'm not crazy

then the onus is on you to go do the next right thing and so based on your past you've tried this your dad has probably tried this over and over your sister tried it it now makes you irrational to think that you can sit down and have this magic conversation or this magic confrontation

that will produce anything other than more of the same I guess I kind of just want to get rid of the guilt I feel of feeling that way about my mom. Yeah, the greatest gift, the greatest way to dispose of that guilt is you go through an exercise of mercy, of forgiveness. Forgiveness is for you, not for her. I'm not, I'm no longer mom going to carry all of the cinder blocks you put in my backpack growing up. I'm not carrying them anymore. I'm especially not going to hand them to my new wife to help me carry,

and I'm especially not going to hand them to my children. And mercy is just assuming the most positive intent. I have no idea what you went through mom as a little girl in this niche tradition, as you call it. I don't know what you went through. I don't know what demons and scars you have, but I am going to opt out of this dance. and so I want you to choose guilt every single time because what's going to happen is you're going to start to resent this woman you probably already are there

and that is an exhausting way to live your life you get what I'm saying yeah I guess I half like going over there to her house a visit but part of me doesn't like the obvious walls up right do you know why you like going over there? Because there's a...

She's still my mom. Yeah, there's a nine-year-old boy still wondering what you did that was so bad that she turned on you. There's a little bitty kid inside of your chest trying to solve her. And if you've ever listened to this show, I've said this often,

the work you have to do is to let that nine-year-old boy off the hook. He never did anything wrong. It was nine. He had a dad who didn't get involved to protect him and he had a mother who was very unwell and he had an oppressive system that said god set this up this way that is that is strike one strike two strike three on a little boy trying to make his way in the world and so your work moving forward is not to try to solve your mom it's an insolvable

problem your work moving forward is making sure this never happens again Here's what that means in real life. That means A, I want you to write that nine-year-old boy a letter. And I want you to read it out loud to your new wife. And I don't want you to skip the part where your dad just ducked his head and let your mom talk to you this way. I don't want you to skip the part in the letter where the church leader said, yes, this is exactly how this is supposed to go.

I don't want you to skip the part where your sister broke free and your family system blamed her for it okay i want you to let that nine-year-old boy go have a good time and you're always going to want to have peace with your mom that it would be nuts to not want that and you're not going to get it and there's a lot of grief there because it's not supposed to be that way. Moms are supposed to be right or die with their boys, right? You hear what I'm saying? Yeah.

I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry all across the board. But I want you to begin to working on your new marriage and talking through like those fun hard, scary, playful conversations that are, who are we going to be in our marriage? Because I don't want to do that. And who are we going to be as parents? Because we're not going to do that. And then you'll have some bigger questions to answer. Like, are we going to stay in this faith community that teaches adult children that your main mission in life is to do whatever

your mom and dad tell you to do for as long as they tell you to do it which i'll die on this hill is different than honoring your father and mother it just is and does that mean you have to have a big i would not recommend a big send-off cutoff party here i just wouldn't you can do that if you want to i wouldn't recommend it what i recommend is you and your wife saying hey what does christmas look like this year what does holidays look like what does weekly gathering gatherings look like and when mom calls and says hey y'all coming over for lunch today you say hey mom we already have plans thank you so so much for the invite we've got plans with some other friends from work from our community from our new church we've got some friends and so we're going to be

hanging out with them i hope you have a great day i can't believe you're abandoning me oh thank you for sharing that with me mom i'm going to let you go and you're going to feel that not in your chest and you're going to put your fist in your chest and exhale through it and it might weigh on you all day and then you're going to go hang out and you're going to practice doing life with new people and when your dad wants to complain about your mom hey come on over here let's talk about whatever

hey dad where are you man where are you and have that conversation too but I want you to do your best to begin to face towards the future because the past is what the past is and going back to conversation when you're 18

and going back to conversation when you're 13 they're helpful if you don't know why you feel the way you feel right now as an adult you do and so now going back is just a way to hit yourself over and over and over again and you've been hit enough man emotionally psychologically probably physically it's time to orient yourself to the future man

thank you so so much for the call I want to help out your new marriage I'm going to send you the questions for humans couples decks and the intimacy deck i'll send you several of those things and hook you up with those i want you to begin building a new marriage man i'm excited for what comes next for you we come back a man wonders how to reconcile his relationship with his parents and set healthy boundaries this show is sponsored by better help life can be a mess relationships can be hard and work can be chaotic and stressful and when your relationships and your life and your life

and work all collide, your mind and your body, feel it. There is a ton of data showing how workplace stress and especially workplace leadership, your boss, can have a major impact on your mental and emotional stress. And most of us can't just quit and we can't just take a vacation from work every time we want to or think we need to, but we can start with small steps to help manage our life and our work stress.

The first thing we have to do is keep our bodies and relationships strong. And you know the drill, exercise, sunlight, eating right, relationship check-ins, and when you need someone to sit with you and help you navigate things moving forward, getting a great therapist to help walk alongside you can be a game changer. I know because I see a therapist myself. If you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online, which means it's affordable and convenient. And to get started, just fill out a short online survey to get matched with the licensed therapist. And as the largest online therapy provider in the world,

BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a wild diverse variety of expertise. And BetterHelp has an app store rating of 4.9 out of five stars based on over 1.7 million client reviews. So manage your workday challenges with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloni to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloni. All right, Indianapolis. Let's talk to Brent. What up, Brent? What's going on, Dr. John? It's an honor to talk to you. It's an honor to talk to you, man. How can I help, ma'am?

Hey, thanks for taking my call. So, big question I have for you is over the past few years, my wife and I have been working on boundaries with my parents, just establishing healthy boundaries for us as a family. We have three kids, and my mom has a fairly abrasive personality. let's just put it that way. What does that mean? And my, well, she's fairly toxic in a lot of ways. I know, but what does that mean? Um, give me some examples.

Well, you know, she, she makes comments to my wife that seem to drive a wedge between us at times. I know, dude, you're like, what are they? Well, you know, if, if, you know, she'll make comments like, you know, that we parent our kids a certain way that makes, it obvious she doesn't approve of, right? Things like we coddle our kids or, you know, just little comments here and there. Okay. You know, issues with them seem to kind of bubble up

and smooth over the course of a few years, right? But recently, they kind of reached a boiling point with me. as they left us out of the annual family vacation. So my wife and I have been pretty upset about it, and it's really difficult to be around them and just act like nothing happened. And I'm just looking for a little help on maybe where do we go from here. Yeah, so I'm taking your word for it.

I was trying to pry a little bit, but I'm taking your word for it that, like, saying, like, here's an example. you have a son yes sir all right let's say your son is four years old and son's crying and y'all are just letting him go to sleep

and mom are y'all going there to hug him and mom says you just let him cry and you say well we're going to go in there and hug him oh y'all are just coddle on that little kid he's going to turn into a brat right there's that which is annoying and that's kind of

some people's like personality, but it's my kid. I don't really care. Right. I'm assuming that when you say abrasive and toxic, there's more than just that. Because that stuff's annoying and that stuff's just whatever. I would never let my kid wear that or that music they're listening to is that. Okay, whatever. You get your opinion. You get your, you could say what you want to say, but you're my parents and I'm going to move on with my life. I'm going to take your word that there's probably more than that. You just don't want to talk about on air, which is fine. Tell me about what you did when you found out there was this family vacation. that they purposely left you out of. What did you do?

Did you call your dad? Did you call your mom? I did not. I stood on it for a few days and just, you know, I was really upset by it and very angry, you know, about that and at them. You know, we saw them a couple weeks later and, you know, everybody just kind of act like it didn't happen. You know, someone made a comment like, hey, we missed you guys.

and it just felt it just felt very fake like you missed us but we also didn't get an invite and yeah but you were fake too you know my sisters and I don't have you were fake too because you went along with it absolutely I did

yeah and so are you I would guess you're equally disappointed that you got left out for some reason and also equally disappointed in yourself for how you respond is that fair absolutely yeah so do you have

have a sibling you could call or is your dad somebody that isn't going to fly off at you? I could probably talk to a sibling or my dad about it, you know, and I've made comments to my siblings in the past, you know, like, hey, I would never go on a vacation with, you know, in that scenario, in that situation, you know, with mom and dad or whatever. And, you know, but things change over time. And it still feels like, you know, we still not, still trying to reconcile why there wasn't even an invite, right? Because in the past, there was more extravagant vacations, right? Cross-country trips, you know, out-of-the-country, things like that, that we were just kind of excluded from due to the size of our family and when, you know, the stage of life

we were in. But that could be my perception, too. But let me paint you a different picture, though, and just something to hold in tension, okay? Your mom, and your dad, I'm just going to throw them in the same bucket, even though that may not be fair. Your mom and your dad both know that y'all don't appreciate their quips and comments about how you and your wife are parenting. You've told even one of your siblings,

I would never go on one of those vacations. They've not invited you in the past, and the story you've told yourself is because of life circumstances and time. Well, they have invited us. Okay, even better. So they have invited you and y'all said no And they invited you again and you said no

Is there a possibility That they thought The thing they could give y'all Is what you've been asking for for so long Which is to not be out and about with us Because it sounds like you want to keep being asked And you want to be the person in the one-up position To say no or yes

And maybe they gave you the gift That they think you've been asking for Which is just to be left off the list I never thought of it that way I mean the way you're talking to me it's like man they hooked you up they didn't bother you with an invite this show yeah

and all this to say is the part that that concerns me the most is not that it's not you got left off it's not that you've said no a whole bunch of times and there's a miscommunication it's that for whatever reason you either think your mom and or your dad could not have this conversation

or you're scared to have this conversation. I don't know what the gap is, but the... I think it's a little of both. Okay. I think, you know, it's... My mom is... Have a personality that it's impossible to have a conversation with her unless, you know, you agree with everything that, you know, she says.

Sure. And that makes her, like, 90% of mothers across the world, right? Like, all across all planet. That's fair. That's not how you make that meal. That's not how you do that. that's just that just is right and so yeah um now i hate you can't have i hate that you can't have a substantive conversation but that is what that is um i keep wanting to go back to you though

what do you want to accomplish by a further conversation because it sounds like you and your wife got what you really wanted which is to be left alone yeah and i guess i just felt like i felt like i hurt them some way right like did you I never intended by declining in the past to hurt them. And did I finally hurt my parents enough where, like you said, they just left us off the list? It might be hurt or it might be when the kid knocks on my door trying to sell me another box of cookies and another box of cookies. And I say no every year. I'm not trying to hurt them.

I'm just saying here's my place right now. and then if the person who knocks on my door is trying to sell me cookies catches me in a low moment I'll buy the whole thing I'll eat all of them I've listened to your show long enough I could envision you doing that

yeah I'll hammer them dude I can get after some Girl Scout cookies so all I'm to say is like it here's the thought I'm having you're creating a bunch of stories in other people's heads and then you're responding to those stories that may or may not be true

and the only path forward is right through the middle of them. And so if you think you hurt your mom and your dad, the integrist move is to sit down with your dad. And if your mom can't hear it great, sit down with your dad and say, Dad, I think I screwed up. You've invited us on three or four or five different family vacations, and I've told you no every time.

And this year I was kind of gunning and ready to go. And y'all didn't invite me. And I realized, y'all probably didn't invite me because I've made it clear I don't want to go and I messed that up man and I'm sorry about that if that's what you really believe well I think there's more layers

just like anything right and part part of the problem I think with me is I still become that old me that I hate when I'm around them right my wife and I have done a lot of work through counseling and through you know just trying to be better than

what our human nature allows when we're parenting and things like that and for some reason when I'm around the family, it seems like I'm that child again. So can I challenge the work you've done? Yeah. So what I would suggest is maybe I've done a lot of discovery, a lot of uncovering. What I would challenge you is, is the real work is now continuing to show up if that's what you want to do. and practicing being somebody new.

Yeah. And I applaud. Dude, it's brutal. It's brutal. It's brutal constantly saying in your mind, you don't get a vote. I love you and you don't get a vote.

I love you and your guilt or your anger or your rage is for you to hold on to. I can't hold it for you. All of that's hard. But that is work 2.0. I want you to do this. I actually was working with a married couple recently. I did this exact same thing. I want you to get a picture of your mom and put it in a small frame.

I want you to get a picture of your dad and put it in a small frame. Okay? And I want you to put it on your desk at home, maybe even put it, go out on a date with your wife and put it at the table. put those pictures up and i want you to cut eyes at them and say hi mom and dad we've invited you on this date to get your opinion on what we're going to do this summer and little jimmy is struggling with sleeping and so we invited you to the table to drop your opinions in on what's happening and when you do that you'll realize how silly the whole thing is and there's a physical

practice of taking that picture and putting it down and saying i love you but you don't to vote here. Every time you're about to yell at your wife or your kids on the way to Grandma's house, pull that picture out and say, hey, Mom, this one's for you. Hey, Dad, this one's for you. And

the data says that that sort of interaction, the yelling, it evaporates. Because you realize I am geared up with nothing to do with my wife and my lovely kids. Right. Right.

But there's something about carrying those pictures around and letting them like hey mom and dad um we have three kids and we're trying to reimagine our sex life we wanted to invite you all to this conversation and you'll both go gross no you don't get a vote and you turn the pictures down or maybe you take them off the table completely and then hey we are doing a budget this month and we're trying to figure out between getting new shoes and whatever and we wanted to invite you all to this conversation no you don't get a vote on this one hey we're thinking about getting a dog well What do you guys? No, you don't get a vote.

Hey, we're thinking about coming on Christmas. We don't have the money this year. We're exhausted. We're not going to, you don't get a vote on this one. And it's just a form of practice. Just a form of practice. But you've done the, what I would call the discovery work. And it's hard work.

Like when you dig through past conversations and you sit with the therapist and you talk about it. And you and your wife spin over and over. And she says, I don't really want to do this. And you're like, all right, I'm going to tell them. we can't make the trip this year you're you're starting the discovery practice now i want you to enact it and if you don't want to enact it ask yourself why am i so at 40 years old almost halfway through my life why am i still inviting people who have hurt me so badly to the table to ask their opinion on what i do next and you're going to have to do one of two things either begin

to practice work 2.0 which is acting your way through this and feeling it and choosing I want to yell right now and I'm not going to because it's not about them or hey kids we're all going on our own vacation this year and where's grandma and grumps where's grandma and my dad is my kids call my dad grumps and so that's why I just slipped out there but where's grandma and granddad like where are they well we're taking our own family vacation what do you guys want to do and we're going to begin planning that way but you get to decide those paths. What I would tell you is just sitting where you are with your foot on the gas, just spinning and thinking and thinking and thinking and feeling and feeling and thinking.

It's just digging a deeper hole. And I want you to begin moving forward. Thanks a call, my brother. I'm proud of you. We'll be right back. All right, Kelly, so you have an article you want to share with me. Yes, so I found this article that I thought was really interesting, given some of the calls we take on the show, that more than half of the top 100 mental health tick talks contain misinformation gosh i would have thought it was higher than that over half of them what what is read the the top couple of lines in that article well so this says that um out of 100 videos that this is from the guardian that the guardian took 100 videos to share them with psychologists psychiatrists and academic experts and 52 of the 100 videos

offering advice on dealing with trauma, neurodivergence, anxiety, depression, and severe mental illness contained some misinformation and that many others were just vague or unhelpful. So 52 of the 100... Great. 52 of the 100 were wrong,

and more than that were just vague or unhelpful because it talks about how more people are turning to social media for mental health and that most of these videos or I don't say most a lot of them have these quick fix claims and says those seeking help are confronted with dubious advice

such as eating an orange in the shower to reduce anxiety I'd never heard of that one you haven't duh clearly I should the promotion of supplements with limited evidence base for alleviating anxiety

methods to heal trauma within an hour Did you know you could heal it that quickly? No. Yeah. And guidance presenting normal emotional experiences as a sign of borderline personality disorder or abuse. That's scary. That was frightening. Well, I'm kind of in a catch-22 here because I have a show that goes out on the internet.

I guess I would hope that anyone who listens to this show don't think any of this stuff is a quick fix, right? and I guess what I would tell you is if you are Googling or you're scrolling through TikTok or through any of these social media platforms let me put it this way I use social media as a point back to this show so you can hear the whole show and that hopefully would point back to

a book that gives you like a long walk through about how to pull some of this stuff apart um anybody who says you can heal from some of these things in five minutes or 30 minutes or just do these two quick things or i've always pushed back um and you can scrub social media the work that i'm on you're never going to see me say the five hacks for i just don't believe in any of that stuff um and so yeah that's tough tough tough tough tough because i'm in that ecosystem but i'm trying to be a voice of reason in that ecosystem. I guess I would just ask anybody who's struggling, if your body is anxious or your body's depressed or your body is trying to get your attention all the time, don't go to TikTok for a

solution. It's just a, don't go to any of these social media platforms for any sort of solution. What you may go for is a reference point. Where is somebody I can trust? And it, I mean, Kelly, It's just such a mess going there sometimes. I mean, you can... Eggs are good. Eggs will kill you. Eggs have cholesterol.

Just eat the white parts of the eggs. It's just so hard to get any sort of good information there. Yeah, I don't know that I have a great... I don't know. What's the solution? What do you think? I don't think that, well...

I don't ever do diagnostic information on the channels. And so, how about this? Anybody who says this, um the hacks nobody wants you to know or the secret to or the what the what big big whatever food pharma media what they don't want you to know then you're probably getting nonsense or if anybody says you how to fix a psychological issue or an emotional challenge in one hour in two minutes it's nonsense it's going to be nonsense sorry i cut you off kelly what do you think

No, I think it's just, I mean, you can talk about mental health on there, but there's no quick fixes. No. There's no eating an orange in the shower. I don't. Don't eat in the shower. Yeah. Ew, that's weird. I mean, it's so super weird.

I may have done that before, but like don't make it to practice. Right, but I don't know why. It was therapeutic, but I was eating ice cream and I was sad, right? It was making me feel better in the moment, but it had long-term negative ramification. I mean, sometimes it's good to know, to go to, I understand the pool of social media and that you know you're not alone. And there's a community to be found. And I'm not the only one that feels this way.

And maybe someone has some ideas as far as you should go see someone who helps with this or here's something that has helped me, more sleep, finding a group or whatever. But these, with most things in life, finances, relationships, anything, there's no quick fix. No. And by the way, you don't want a. quick fix. No, because that means you're not doing the work. Yes, and that means that your body is just going to try to solve this problem in another way. So, yeah, I guess, what is it, is it Chris Williamson, my buddy Chris, or maybe Lane Norton, Dr. Norton, it says, like, your healing is in the work that

you're scared or afraid or unwilling to do. There is no quick solution. Dealing with anxiety is really taking a life inventory and sitting with people and saying things out loud. Dealing with grief takes months or years and you have to be brave and say it out loud as the woman in this show earlier who's dealing with schizophrenia takes tons of stops and starts and painful experiences and decisions you wish you could have back and broken relationships to finally exhale and plateau on a place where now I've got to do the work the rest of my life man getting well is an adventure and just anyone who tries to sell you a hack to that is just selling you that hacks are not real stay with us and just remember you're worth the long journey love you guys

bye